Dear Life Kit: My family stresses me out around the holidays
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I think we can all agree the holiday season is an intense time. I think that for a lot of people, it is extraordinarily joyous and wonderful and magical. For other people, it can be painful. And I think for a vast majority of people, it's all of the above.

That's Daniel Olavaria. He's a licensed psychotherapist. And he says if you are going into your family gatherings this year with some apprehension, that's understandable. But maybe you could also see this moment as an opportunity. To say, hey, there's this like undercurrent of tension or frustration or resentment that I've been carrying for a really long time. This can be a chance to work through that, especially if we walk into that conversation intentionally.

You don't necessarily want to have this combo over Christmas dinner, but the feelings you're having could be a catalyst. In any case, on this edition of Dear Life Kit, Daniel talks with reporter Andy Tegel about how to navigate the tensions that come up when families gather. And really, his advice is helpful for any time of the year. Because, let's be honest, that fight with your sister? It didn't start last week.

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Okay, Daniel, here is question number one. Dear Life Kit, my younger sister is graduating college in December, and my mom is planning a surprise family trip to celebrate after the graduation. My mom originally invited me and my partner, but now she's hoping that only I will come. I've been with my partner for over 10 years. My partner and sister are good friends, and my partner has even helped fund some of my sister's education. I want to tell my mother I won't be coming if my partner is uninvited.

On the other hand, I don't want to take heat for ruining the family trip. Plus, I do want to be able to celebrate my sister's graduation with her. How should I handle this? Signed, Bae Got Bumped.

Okay, Daniel, big yikes is my first reaction. Who is in charge here? Like who ultimately gets to make this call? Is it mom or is it our letter writer? Yeah. You know, the first thought that I have actually speaks to the question that you're asking, which is that do we view this relationship as immediately adversarial and a power struggle or is there room here to be collaborative? Yeah.

Some things that I would want to understand is, is there clarity within the family of the role that this person plays in the reader's life? So the one conversation I think the reader might want to have with their mother is about overall larger expectations for family gatherings, family trips, as it relates to the partner. When we go on a family trip, this is my family.

Right. I know that it can be tough to imagine that like your kids are grown and that like our family is expanding, but that's what's happening. The other conversation though, that I would be having is more specific to this actual event. I would sit down with your mother and I would say, I want to understand. Originally you invited my partner and then you mentioned that you would hoped that I would come by myself. Tell me a little bit about that.

The reason we're asking this question is because I can immediately imagine a couple of scenarios here. One is perhaps it's a financial issue. The mother is intending to pay for it and did not think about the financial burden that would involve including the partner, is maybe even feeling a little bit embarrassed about that and is saying, "Hey, why don't we just like sort of streamline it here?"

Or maybe it's the mother saying, man, I really didn't realize the last time we did a trip of just me with my kids that it was just going to be me and my kids. And I want to have some of that time before we go into this next era of this larger expanded family unit.

The more that you understand about her motivation and asking that and making that request, the more that we can design solutions that meet that need. So if it's a financial issue, maybe it's a conversation that you have with your partner about contributing financially to the cost of the trip.

Or if it is about mom really sort of yearning for yesteryear, this time where it was just her and her kids, you can empathize with that and talk about planning something that is just mom and her kids, you know, which feels fair.

Yeah. Okay. So everyone needs to get clear on the relationship lines. Not everyone has a vacation like this, but I think it's a really common experience to feel stuck between a romantic partner and your family. And it's not always easy or possible to make everyone happy. Um, advice for us on how, on how to manage between those two poles. Yeah. I think that, uh,

Especially in emerging adulthood, it's important to remember that things will not always stay the same. Things are going to change and evolve. And so if you've spent this whole lifetime with a certain family culture and a sense of when I talk about my family, this is who I'm talking about.

When you are creating and engaging in a romantic relationship that becomes meaningful and a source of stability for you in your life, whether that involves marriage or not, I think it's important for people to have clarity around what that means for them. I talk about relationships as being you are creating an organization that has never previously existed and you have to create your bylaws.

Oh, I love that. Right? And so that is hard. You know, like that's hard work. And it's like super critical so that people don't find themselves in situations that are deeply uncomfortable and hurtful decades into a relationship. The fun of being a grown-up is you get to make your own rules. The hard work of being a grown-up is you get to make your own rules. That's exactly it.

Question number two, Dear Life Kit, every holiday season, my father-in-law sends an annual newsletter to friends and family with updates on all his grandchildren. This is the fourth year in a row that he has neglected to include my younger daughter in this newsletter. He mentions the accomplishments of every other grandchild. My daughter feels hurt by the repeated omission, even though we all believe it is somehow unintentional. It pains us to read accolades about other cousins while she is teaching in a graduate program and receives zero recognition.

My father-in-law is having a birthday celebration soon, and my daughter wants to bring it up, but doesn't know how. She also wonders if anyone will even remember who she is at the party since she's been left out of the family news for years. Signed, Ghosted by Grandpa. Okay, so this one stings in such a strange but specifically severe way for me. Daniel, what are your initial thoughts?

Yeah, I could understand why Gossett is feeling so hurt by this and confused. No matter how old we are, we really crave and wish for a sense of protection and affirmation from the people in our families, our parents, our grandparents, aunts, uncles, you know. And so it can be really especially confusing and hurtful when we feel like we're not getting that attention.

you know, in an ideal world, we would talk about this after year one, you know, um, we would catch this early and we would presume noble intention. We would say, Hey, I just noticed that, um, I was sort of missing on here and I just wanted to check in about that, you know, why that was. And, um,

We might even give them a little bit of an out. You know, I wonder if maybe like we haven't gotten a chance to talk so much about what's going on in my life. And, you know, maybe there's opportunity here for us to connect more because I have some exciting things that I would love to share with you. And I'm sure you have like a lot of fun things that I would love to hear about, too, in your life. Right.

Be super casual. Guess I haven't taken you out to lunch this year, Grandpa, or something like that. Yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah. If we want to have a conversation with father-in-law slash grandpa, I certainly wouldn't wait until the birthday celebration.

I would encourage having that conversation, I think, in private and giving a chance ahead of time to talk about it in a place where there aren't so many competing needs and competition for attention. So having it ahead of time feels really important.

And the other thing is feeling like, will people even know me at this upcoming party? Because I've like not been included in this newsletter. So something that I would maybe offer for you to consider is having the parent who wrote the letter in, send out an email to the family ahead of the gathering, just bragging.

Without her having to

toot her own horn. Exactly. Sometimes we kind of get stuck in a period of time in our families where we have like that cousin who will perpetually in our minds be eight years old and then they're like graduating from high school and you're like... I am the cousin. Yes. I am the one that is eight years old. Yes.

You know, like, when did this happen, right? And so I wonder if there's a possibility that for Grandpa, they sort of have never updated the internal software to be like, this, my granddaughter's like a grown-up doing things

grown up things in the world right um there's always the possibility that there was an intentional choice being made here if it is i think it's important for people to remember that our success and who we are is not determined by the validation that we receive from other people and certainly not from the people who are not involved in our day-to-day lives and um

That there's plenty of other sources for you, both internal and within your close circle of people, to receive that validation in the world that you live in day to day. So, so true. All right, let's move on to question three. Dear Life Kit, I recently cooked a big birthday dinner for my son. Despite our best efforts to make him comfortable, my father-in-law didn't attend. He's a creature of habit and he enjoys his recliner.

After dinner, my mother-in-law packed up almost all the leftovers to take home to him without even asking. Would withholding leftovers encourage him to come next time? Signed, Krabby in the Kitchen.

So big picture first, what's the best approach for dealing with family members that are all take and no give? I feel like we all know somebody. Yeah. I think this really speaks to like know when to fight the battle and when to cut your losses. Ooh, okay. You know, is that plate of food worth the battle? And honestly,

Almost always when it does rise to this level of feeling like you have to do something, it's actually about something else. It's not really about that plate. Right. And so you understanding what that thing is so that you can figure out for yourself what a solution in this actually even looks like.

Absolutely. Yeah. So, I mean, we don't have a lot of information here, but it's sounding like father-in-law is holding back for some reason. And Krabby is feeling protective about food for some reason. Yeah. There's two sort of questions they're asking, right? It's like, how do we get him to the next gathering? And how do I protect feeling taken advantage of? Hmm.

And so if you actually want the father-in-law at the next gathering because you miss them, then say that. Talk to him about it. Let him know that it means something to you. I'm not really getting the sense that the sort of yearning for father-in-law is a part of the element here. I think it strikes me more as feeling that there's a sense of duty in family to be present with one another for some of these things.

and feeling maybe a little bit of an affront that this person is opting out of that. That's certainly a valid feeling. What I would maybe ask them to consider is how important does it feel to them that the person is there at the gatherings?

Maybe it would be preferable, but not sort of essential. And if that's the case, maybe what you can do is work with their spouse, the mother-in-law, work with mother-in-law to piece together before everyone eats a leftover plate for father-in-law so that there are some boundaries asserted around this is how much you take, you know, and then sort of call it a day.

Yeah, negotiate beforehand. And you're getting to the exact question that I had, which is, what can we ask of our family members? You know, we all have different expectations of family gatherings, different needs. But if we're taking time and effort to come together, should everyone be required to try to connect? We can ask whatever we want to ask.

but also recognizing that people are allowed to make choices and that if we are feeling like, well, I always extend myself and they don't, that that might be a moment of self-reflection for you around what is the reason you extend yourself? Do you extend yourself because of the expectation for reciprocity or do you extend yourself because that's what you wish to do? That brings you joy. Yeah.

Oof. That one hits a little too deep. Okay. Daniel, are you ready for your last question? Yes. Let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my dad passed away two and a half years ago, devastating our whole family. A year ago, my mom started a new relationship with a widower. Lately, he's become increasingly involved in our family in a way that feels invasive. First, he started attending holidays and family celebrations. Then he started joining our weekly family dinners and intimate birthday dinners that have traditionally been just us.

Daniel, first thing for me...

Is it okay to just want your mom to yourself after a big loss like this? Totally. And I'm so sorry about their loss. And to sort of get to the meat of what they're saying, yes, I absolutely think you can bring it up. And I think there's a real opportunity for understanding and empathy here that will ultimately set the family up for success in the long term. And what we hope are many, many years to come of being able to enjoy each other's company and share memories, including those that involve their dad.

And I think it's natural to feel a sense of anxiety and maybe even dread about these sort of markers that indicate that we are in a new era, right? Absolutely. Because it feels like you're leaving something behind and it feels perhaps even like your joy that you're experiencing in this new sort of

cobbled together pseudo family unit might even feel like a betrayal to your father. So what I would say is, I think it's really good idea to have this conversation with your mom

that says we're really happy that you are getting a chance to feel a sense of companionship and a sense of joy in this new relationship. We also find ourselves really grieving still the absence of our father. Sometimes that can be made a little bit more present when your partner's around.

I would really value some time where we can be with just you. Yeah, absolutely. And something that you touched on, Daniel, is one of the reasons family gatherings around the holiday season or at any time can be so difficult for a lot of people is because it can intensify those feelings of grief and loss, make the absence of loved ones feel sharper. Do you have any last advice for us on how to hold those feelings and still leave space for new experiences, new people for joy?

Yes. I think that traditions and rituals are an important part of our human experience and something that we sometimes overlook. And so I think when we're missing people and when we are grieving, it's important to have a sense of community, talking with people.

exchanging memories with people who also loved those people. And so maybe it involves playing a game that that person loved to play and you all do that every year together. Or maybe it's about going through old family videos or family photos and introducing those people to your children. Um, you, you spoke to this earlier, but we get to decide what, um,

our family sort of culture is, especially as we grow in our own families. And so thinking a little bit about what you want that to be and how you want to incorporate the very living memory of these people who have passed on because their legacies continue and you get to keep that around, not only for yourself, but for the other people in your family, including your own children. Hmm.

The hard part about being a grown-up, you have to make the rules. The great part about being a grown-up, you get to make the rules. That's exactly it. Before I let you go, we ask every guest of the show for their very best piece of advice. I would love to hear yours. Embrace possibilities. I think uncertainty is really scary. But the other side of that is that we often can't even imagine how good things can be.

And along with your preparation for guarding against the worst, that you open yourself up to the absolute best. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you so much for having me. That was LifeKit reporter Andy Tegel speaking with psychotherapist Daniel Olavaria.

For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on caring for a grieving friend and another on preventing hangovers. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org.

This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from David Greenberg. I'm Mariel Seguera. Thanks for listening.

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