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Happy birthday, America. USA, we've never been better. And we're back, Jake. It's America's birthday, and I'm going to celebrate America. Do you remember, I don't... Do you remember we spent a July 4th together, probably 15 years ago, on a hike? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've talked about it on this, and there was explosions. This is our anniversary, and that should have been a good...

That should have been a good sign that this podcast would be really weird when I needed five stitches in my foot. Right. And you and I went on a long hike together. Yeah. And when we got down, I took off my shoe and my sock was red with blood. And you were like, you hiked the whole time like that. And I was like, it's been good to see you, buddy. Speaking of long hikes that were unnecessarily painful yesterday, my I have a Tesla, which I hate.

And I do. Yeah. I got it because my kids really wanted it. And I leased. So I was like, it's three years. It'll be fine. It'd be nice to not pay for gas. The car does so many stupid things. One of the stupid things is they don't have keys.

So everything is, it's, you got like a weird credit card and then it's your phone. Right. So at first you go like, that's really cool, man. Like no key, even though we've used keys forever. And they've been going good. It's, that's not an issue. Keys are okay. Yes. Everything was fine. I, uh,

I don't want to say it because I'll get teased, but I went to jujitsu yesterday. There's nothing funny about that. You're trying to get into fighting in your mid-40s. You have a fake locker room with a little sex doll. And I was running late. Not a sex doll. Sexy, but not a sex doll. And I was running late, and I left my phone in the car. It happens. Who cares? Sure. We've all done it. Sure. You're excited to get in the gym and hurt your back. And I did hurt my back.

Real bad. Bully. And long story short, the class ends and I go out and my doors were locked in my car. Oh boy. Because my phone had overheated in this stupid Tesla and shut off. Shit. And my wallet was in my car.

Because why do I need a wallet when I'm getting beat up in a jujitsu mat? What am I going to tip them afterwards? That's officially getting wrong. Like, how are you doing? Like, I don't know. And then I have money to pass. I'm not bringing any money.

So I then had a life moment that really got on top of me. I didn't have a phone. I didn't have any money. I was wearing what Gareth would describe as a very embarrassing outfit. Yeah. I was over for bullying. I was over four miles away from home. And it was also 98 degrees. And I had a little hand towel for sweat.

And I just walked home. Oh, my God. Well, what are you going to do? Gareth, this was the crazy thing about technology. There's no pay phones. I was going to walk up to a stranger and be like, can I use your phone to call my wife? Don't you have any friends from the class who just whooped your ass and could drive you home? Maybe they could go to the locker room and hang out with a little. Thanks for tapping me out. Go to your bang dungeon. Roll around with your dummy. Bully. Thanks for tapping me out. Not only is my technique bad and my body's bad. My body.

Moves are back because I locked my phone in my car. Too humiliating. This was an ego play. No, honestly, what happened is the thing closed right after me. They took everybody left.

Because there was so much blood on the mat. I was one of the last to leave. And so I had this really wild moment of we don't have cell phones. Back in the day, I was like, we used to have pay phones you could call, Colette. You imagine if somebody got an unknown number? We'd get spammed so much. I'm like, there's no chance my wife will answer. She doesn't answer when I call. And she'd be right. Yeah, no. She actually has a higher probability of answering when you call from a pay phone probably.

And then I had this thing where I was walking down the street. I was so dehydrated. And I thought like, I want to walk into a store and ask for water. And in LA, there's like such a homeless issue. I'm like, no one's going to give it to me. I'm in this weird sweat outfit with a towel on my head asking for free stuff. I'm like, this world is insane. You need to find free, like dog water dishes that they'll like put in nice. So, you know, what I really did was buildings that had water. Tell me the hose. Oh my God. I,

I hosed my own head. I hosed my towel. Jake, you are famous. The idea that I potentially could be driving through Los Angeles and be like, it's not great. Is that?

Jake Johnson, sweaty, with a towel over his head, drinking from a building. And then people driving by would go, I don't think so, because that dude doesn't have anything going on in his brain. He has a towel on his head. Also, I was wearing water shoes, because I couldn't find my shoes at the last minute. What are water shoes? They're shoes you can go in and out of water in. My wife got them for me, and I've never worn them. Jake, are you saying, like, aqua socks? Yeah.

You are all linked out the screen. It was bad, Gareth.

In aqua socks? It was bad, man. It was a bad scene. Why are you going to jujitsu in water? Because my man, I was running late. I just had to get there. But why are those even sandals? I'm going to be honest because there was nothing available and I'm not going to take my socks off to get choked out. So I just needed something that was sockless and these were just in like a drawer. And I was like, that'll do it. And they were too tight and my feet –

It was awful. Found you. Anyway. Four miles. And in the heat. And then you walk in and what is Aaron's like, what are you doing? It had been over. So it was over a three and a half hour adventure. And she was like, I've been calling you. What is going on? And then I went like,

I locked my phone in my car. And as I was talking, it was like a mirror. I was like, this is what this poor woman has to see for 20 years. And she was like, are you okay? And I was like chugging drinks. I'm like, super dehydrated. And she's like, ugh.

It was honestly a moment where if it was a movie going back to the wonder years, it would be at that moment. I realized I've made a mistake in marrying. This isn't who my life should be with. If I'm sick in the hospital, when I get older, he has control of my decisions. Do you know Aaron's phone number by heart?

1-900-HOT-MUSHMALL. Anyway, listen, happy birthday, America. Happy birthday, America. Enjoy the fireworks. Be safe. Also, if you see me walking down the street and I'm sweating, just throw water at me. Throw water at me. Film him. Only film him.

Kevin, what do you got about episode 100? Come wild animals, right? Thank you for saying that. My studio's coming together. The construction has officially finished. All the gear's coming in now. So it's going to look great. And I'm brainstorming some ideas with our crew. We got here to help production group techs popping off ideas. So a lot in the works. Very exciting. I got a Patreon extra idea. What if we have a contest, Jake?

where there are 15 questions we answer, and whoever knows more about Kevin without researching it, he'll follow on Instagram. Okay, but let's do a bet that matters. That matters to me. Okay, fine. He doesn't follow us. Who cares, man? Jesus, you are a hope guy. You've changed. Maybe I'm going to stop following you, Gareth, just to trigger you. What is your deal? Just to hurt Jeff. Jake, I'll call the goddamn show.

But I like that idea. One of the things we should do. How do we get those questions? We can't write the 15. We don't know. Come on. Kevin could just give us like 15 questions that he thinks are pretty vanilla that we should probably maybe maybe things he's talked about over the course of the show. I think that's fine. OK.

How about we do 10 so it's a clear percentage? Great. And then the winner gets a follow. Great. I love it. Thank you, everybody, for listening. We're very excited. Enjoy the fireworks tonight if you're in America. Enjoy the fireworks and then also enjoy the fireworks later tonight because I was talking about the show. Also, watch out for your animals tonight. The fireworks scare them and they run and they go and there's more lost animals tonight. It's a wild thing. Very true.

Very true. Lock them up. Put them in cages. Lock them up. Well, I don't know about the cages. Just keep an eye on them. Either way. So last but not least, as Bob Barker would say, lock them up. All right, everybody. Hi. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Have you ever considered reading a book, being like a book narrator? Good voice. What's that voice of yours? Good voice.

Oh, really? Thank you so much. We hear a lot of voices. We hear a lot of voices. It's a good one. Yeah. It's a keeper. Can we get your name, please? Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's Ellie. Ellie. It's my niece's name. And where are you calling from, Ellie?

So I'm going to do a broad reach and I'm calling from the New England area just to protect the guilty and the innocent as it were. And Ellie, what's our age range? Are we 8 to 15? Are we 20 to 35? Are we 40 to 60? Are we 71 to 100? We're

We're 32. 38. 8 to 15 would be an interesting age range, but no, I'm in my 30s. I'm 35. Right in between us. Nice. Okay. All right. And in what field do we work in? There we go. I currently am a second year law student. Oh, okay. So we're...

So working towards a law degree and a law profession. Interesting. I respect it. Okay. And let's say someone's asking for your lunch order just real quick. What are you going to go with? I hope this is wild. Three hoagies, double beef. Just a pile of lamb. Yeah. And next to it, lard. And then three carrots. Ellie, what do you like to eat for lunch? That's an interesting question, but I kind of love it. It's a Steve Berg. Yeah. Oh, that's why. So we're definitely going to go either...

Mexican food or Indian food. Great. And then if we're still feeling hungry, we're going for ice cream. Right. What the hell? The day's over. Hey, Garrett, what's your favorite lunch?

Well, I'll tell you what she said. Mexican. I was like, Oh, that would be great right now. Remember when we used to go eat pupusas? Yeah, for sure. 99 cent pupusas. Those are the best. Let's circle back on the lunch. Okay, sure. All right, Ellie. Well, why don't you tell us? Because I was about to answer. I know. Ellie, your problem today. And it's not us. I'm here to help you with lunch. Thank you. So I mentioned that I,

I am a second year law student, but I'm calling in to ask for your advice today because I am having issues conveying the fact that law student and legal professional are not the same thing to my family. So I will go back and visit my family members and immediately I am just

bombarded with legal questions. Free law advice. Legally, I can't answer. Like, I legitimately, like, there's a character in fitness tests that says I'm not allowed to give legal advice. So, not only do I say this, you know, I can't give you advice. It's just not something I can legally do. I don't even feel comfortable. But that has

yielded no positive results. Of course. I got to tell you, Elliot, it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop me either. It wouldn't stop Gareth. If we had a second year law student here, we'd ask questions. And when they said, I can't legally say you go, where's the joke? It's just us. Yeah. So I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit, I'm just trying to clarify. I'm in the woods a little bit. I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel. You're a second year law student, but everybody in your family asked for advice and you're sick of the advice. Is that correct?

it's not so much that, um, that they'll, they'll ask, they'll ask him for foreign certain things that only a lawyer can do. Like they'll say, can you write my will? And I say, you know, one, I legally can't. Oh, so they think you're already. Okay. So you're the only kind of connection to the legal world and you're not allowed to do these things yet, but they keep asking. Will is quite an ask. Are there other weird asks you've gotten? What, like at what clip are these coming at you?

If, you know, someone that they, that my family works with or someone they know has a question, they'll be like, Oh, like, let me talk to my daughter because you know, I'm, I'm, I'll have the answers because I'm law, I'm lawyer adjacent. And I have to be like, actually, you can't keep doing that because you're not obviously not similar. But when you start doing comedy and getting on TV, everybody wants to pitch you SNL sketches.

The worst is when you're a stand up and someone's like, I've got a skit for you. Well, I don't do skits. Well, I mean, a lot of times I will. I used to get a lot. You know, I was in line the other day. This would be a good thing for SNL. I would go. I'll send him a packet.

I'm not there. Also, they don't want an unsolicited sketch idea about a bagel shop from an 80-year-old woman. Is that how it works? Yeah, it's not how it works. I started to do this. I started to push them because my mother would do that a lot. She'd go like, you really should do something about Uncle Nigel. And I'd go, okay, what is it? I'd be like, how deep do you want to get in this game? That's fun. It sounds like what I used to get. It sounds like one of your plays.

Don't call him plays. So, Ellie. Make them ups. Don't call him plays. I'm older. I'm 40s. So, Ellie, what is the specific question? And you got to take control. I'm going to tell you why. It's just Gareth and I and we're feeling wild. Yeah. It's not going to. You're a second year law student. Can I ask some law advice from you? How do you shut us up? Legally. No, you may not. Now I see the problem. Come on, Ellie. It's just us. I don't know if we're legally. You may.

- I'm not allowed to give her advice. - Yeah, exactly. - The more I think about this, I think her ask is quite inappropriate. - Yeah, so Ellie, what is the specific question? And then, and I don't know if you know this, but a character I played on television went to law school, passed the exam, and then in the funniest realization when we were doing bits on set one day, we realized, wait, he passed the exam and then decided to work at a bar and sweep floors?

I think it was Lamorne who was like, your character's an idiot, dude. This is season five. What are you doing? This is horrible. Yeah, actually. Wait, I passed it? I didn't fail. I passed. So what is the specific question? Not only that, but your character passed the California Bar. Yeah, it was the hardest. That's right.

My brother passed the California bar and said the same thing. He's like, wait, this idiot who can't spell rhythm passed the California bar? And I was like, yes, and then chose to clean dirty dishes. Not an idiot. So, Ellie. Not an idiot. He's an author. Ellie, this is not about us. Yeah, stop it. I got to give you some legal advice. Take the reins. Yeah, no. What is the question, young lady? We are wild and spazzy.

now. Kevin hates this call. Oh, hates it. Kevin misses the papoosa part. I'm about to be the judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the judge is going to be you're going to get hung up on and just put on Patreon. I sentence your call to Patreon. Oh, no! Anything but that! So, Ellie, what is the question? So, my question is, how

How would you both deal with this? I guess, what advice do you have for someone who's tried reason? I've tried logic. Allie, I know exactly what I would do. I got three. Go ahead. Awesome. I would give really bad advice. That's one of mine. And when they said, like, would you write the will? I would write the will like you're a goddamn idiot. And then they would call it a bill. Yeah. And then they would go like, what are you doing? And you go like, well, I have I told you I'm just a student. Yeah.

So I think the will should just be money goes around the merry-go-round and they go, huh? And you go, what do you want from me? I'm a student. If they go, what would I do in that legal situation? You go, well, like I've told you, I can't legally give advice. I haven't finished, but here would be my suggestion. Don't give the money back and run. Yeah, that is a way to go. Just get the word spread that you're terrible at legal advice to the family.

I mean that. Yeah. What else you got, Garth? Well, that and that one you can have a little fun with. Yes. That one you can really be like, look, I think you go the treasure route. Make someone sleep in a haunted mansion. Do you want me to write the will? Yeah. Put it in a big treasure, make a map and throw it in the ocean. Or yeah, just like write on crayon on the back of a restaurant menu and just like send that to them as a PDF. So could you maybe just show your family that you're a bad second year law student and they don't want advice from you?

I think it would be interesting to kind of tweak it a little bit and, you know, do what you're saying, which is like write an absolutely outrageous will. Yeah.

And that could never be actually seen as a legal document and just pass it off. You know, even jokingly say, like, this is the best that I can do. It's not legally binding and I'm a student. And whatever you write, spill coffee on it and then scan it and send it with, like, a ketchup stain and, like, a coffee stain on it and be like, here you go, came out pretty good and spell good G-U-D. Yeah, so that's option one. What do you got option two, Garth? Okay, option two is what you could do is...

You could tell your one of your parents. And this is just a way to spread the word through the family that someone you went to school with just got in a lot of trouble for espousing legal advice that they were not allowed to. Bard. Yes. Bard.

barred from the bar. And so you could say you just so so and be stressed out and be like, I feel like bad because I've given our family a couple bits of legal advice, which I shouldn't do. Spread the word to everybody. Yeah. Never tell anyone. It can never happen again. Yes. A fucking student in my school just got kicked out. Yes. You don't even want to tell your family directly. I think a parent would give that like.

extra that's bold you know how parent is you know i have parents we all have um so that's one i only have one keep going my dad that's pretty your father lives on forever your father love you big fella why'd you kiss your two fingers jake and show them to the sky let your mustache rain down on all of us all right so bard is a really interesting one yeah i got one okay charge them um

That's a great one. That puts you back in kind of your original predicament, but I think if you come up with a number that is pretty high, it's pretty good. You be a family member, I'll be Ellie. You know I love the biz. Let's do it fast. We don't need a whole bunch of setup of what you were doing before you got to the scene. That was some good potato salad. All right. Hey, Ellie, can I ask you a favor real quick? Sure. How was the potato salad? Where'd you get it from? Oh, my God. It was so good. I never thought I'd like it with raisins in it, but someone pulled that crafty move, and I'm never going to forget it. The judge is looking at his watch. Okay.

Christ, why do we invite that guy to these things? He's always with us. It's really tough. Um, so, all right. So I was in a parking lot the other day. Someone backed into my car. Oh, is this legal advice? Yeah. They don't have insurance. So hold on one second. I just have to start the clock because I do have to charge you. It is $425 an hour. No, Ellie. But I need a $5,000 retainer. Ellie. But that's for the first five hours. So if you want to do this, uh, you could just make the checkout to me, uh,

And it would be $5,000 a sec. Do you want to proceed with this or do you want to drop it? Because I've asked you nicely a lot. It's just a simple insurance. I understand. It's just what I do. No, I'll figure it out. Okay, thank you so much. How was that raisin again? Really good. Checkmate. Do you see what happened there, Ellie? Checkmate. You see? Bobby Fisher did. Yep, he really did. Yeah. Because the person's going to go, she's an asshole. But you know what you're going to say? You're an asshole. Yeah. I put a boundary up. You jumped over it. I kicked you in the ass. I like that one too. What do you think of that, Ellie?

I got one more. Let's get the one more and then we'll see what you want. I'm actually loving all of these. You're going to get four and then you're going to decide. The next one is the next big family event, picnic, whatever the fuck it is. You wear a shirt that says not at all a lawyer. Yep. Put the vibe out there. Okay. So now here's what you got, Allie. We're going to recap and then the floor is yours. Okay. Number one, you give bad advice. Okay.

Uh, then the word starts to spread that Ellie might be a dope. Yep. Don't count on our family lawyer. Uh, number two, somebody at your school got barred. You're very scared. Spread the word. This can't happen to you. Three, charge them for next family event. Wear a shirt, a hat, or a pin that says, I am not a lawyer. I cannot give advice. Please stop asking. Enjoy the chicken salad. Ellie.

What are you going to do? So I think that I'm definitely just the idea of having a shirt like that is amazing. So, and then I like, so I think I'm definitely going to get the, the shirt and wear that the next time. Cause I think that's hilarious. Oh, you're going for more than that. Right. I love it. I'm going for, I'm going for with the side of two, one in three. How you put that? Well, yeah,

So while one in three definitely have their merits, there's still like that issue that it might come back to bite me. And I want to make sure that when I can practice that people know that I can.

I give fair fees, which is another like legal responsibility thing in that I, I'm, you know, I'm a, I'm a good attorney, but I think that, you know, saying that someone was, was barged from my law school and like just really freaking out about it. Um, which,

It's something I can definitely latch on to. Ellie, let us know how it goes. But also, you might have just started something here. And that is referring to how you're doing it as if it's a restaurant. Yes. And you are making a thing. Because you said, I'll take a four with a side of two. Yeah. I think that's going to be something we're going to pitch a little bit. This is a restaurant. This is your menu. What are you choosing to eat today? That's very good. I like that.

Ellie, Ellie, we rest our case. Ellie, we rest our case. Full circle. You're a contempt of this. You're a contempt of this podcast. Thank you for the call, Ellie. Thanks, Ellie. Thank you so much. Bye.

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Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. Hello. So weird to be here. Oh, my gosh. I think it's weird for us, too. Yeah. Welcome to Weird Here to Help. Well, what can we do for you? Take over. Tell us what you want to tell us. The floor is yours. Here is a picture of a chimp.

um okay so i'm gonna have you guys call me luann um i am from well real housewives um i am from wisconsin nice yes we're there luann we're in wisconsin um i don't know how specific to be uh southwest sure southwest okay what's what's the biggest city near you in the southwest

Lacrosse. I'm from the lacrosse. All right. Lacrosse. And what's your real name and where are you actually calling from? Would you like my address? Just your social security, please. All right. We just want to get into it.

Long story short, I met this girl when I was in high school. She was nice, but like really weird. But also I was really weird. So it was fine. I viewed it more as like an acquaintance situation. But as the years progressed, it became very obvious that she it was like a monumental, important friendship in her life. Yeah.

I was hoping that when we graduated, which was in 2013, that it would naturally die as high school friendships do. But she has not let it die. And I, for about a decade, have been getting once a week Instagram messages from her.

And in this decade, I have responded. I went and counted this morning. I've responded eight times in a decade. But they continue to come once a week. So I've pretty much been ghosting her for 10 years. And I guess my question is, is there any way without me being a total a-hole that I can let this die and end this friendship? Or at least like maybe once a year. Good question. That's a good question.

So, Gareth, will you break this one down, just do an old school recap, just because it's the first of the day, the coffee's just hitting and I'm just waking up. Well, okay, we have quote unquote Luann calling from somewhere in Wisconsin. And how do you kind of manage a friend who thinks they're a really good friend of yours, but you don't really care for the friendship at all? And as

As far as inconveniencing goes, it's really kind of minor because it's just like you're getting a message a week and there's really nothing. It's so easy to avoid, but you're just irritated by it, which I get. You're just like, stop. It's kind of like...

It's a little bit of like nesting in your world, which just feels annoying. Yeah. So how do you kind of, how do you rebuff it? I've got an, I got an easy one. Okay. God texts. Do what? What text? Overly religious texts. God, G-O-D texts. I don't think that's going to work because I am overly religious. Underly religious texts. Is she, is she?

Well, okay, so part of why I think this friendship spiraled out of control is because when we were in high school, my mom invited her to our church, and we drove her to church every week for four years. Okay. So now you're a Satanist. You're only going to message the people who believe in the dark lord. What are her politics? I have no idea because she only sends me Harry Potter memes.

I don't know. I don't even know her. It's been a decade. OK, OK. So the path you're kind of going down a little bit, Jakey boy. Yeah. What if you start kind of spamming her?

with something it doesn't need to be political or religious but it could be like a weird charity like you know now you're trying to like save turtles yep i kind of there's always something gareth when when friendships break and a lot of them for a lot of people happened in 2020 yeah but it's when one person goes i'm not trying to be crazy but and then you respond with i hear you man tomato tomato i'm not going down that road and they go let me send you 40 texts about it

And by around the 15th, you go, how valuable is this friend? So we can go in any direction. I like what Gareth was saying about turtles. We could also do anything. It's just you become... Isolated quote-wise, that's a great one. I like what Gareth said about turtles.

Kind of sums up doing a podcast. With me. Gareth, with everybody. With me. Okay. All right, keep going. Where are you going? So this idea of if it's not religion, if it's not politics, what's one weird thing that you could pretend to be into and pretend to send a group email that she's just part of it, that she has to go,

This woman changed. I don't know her anymore. I don't want to be in her life. I don't like this. And all you need to do is once a week, Friday at 5 p.m., send another weird one. I don't know why I'm initially leaning towards geology. Sure. Hold on. Crazy boring. Information about rocks. Go on. Sure. Go on. I mean, I'm already boring myself. Luann, what could that email look like?

I think I would have to do like a medium amount of research first, just collect a bunch of rock facts and then just once a week, just share what I've learned about sediment. Sure. I think that's really nice and boring. It's super boring. Yeah, it's definitely, it would be annoying. Kevin, what do you think? Kevin, what are you thinking? You lean towards the camera. Kevin, you're, you're, you're weird about your Instagram. You don't follow Jake or I what's your gut?

I couldn't stop thinking about my high school geology teacher wore socks and sandals every day, Mr. Jarvis. And I was wondering if there is some sort of narrative you could create about someone else maybe that you keep bringing up. Yeah. You know what that made me think when you said talk about somebody else? One really boring thing that people do is when they're talking about somebody who you don't know, somebody else in their life.

So one thing you could do is you could bring something up to everybody in like a group email that like a geologist, something with rocks you're really into. And then she would write back like, yeah, Luann, so excited you're excited. And then you'd be like, but what you don't know is that her mother –

is dating a guy who's a postman. And then a, I'm not kidding. You get AI to write it. You go 15 pages. Maybe we flood her. I like flooding the market. Right. Just with words. We're trying to, I, here's another angle. Um,

What if you just hit her back with like 30 dolphin emojis every time she writes or like something super weird where she's like, oh, she's like lost her mind a little bit or something like that. I think part of what's good about this, too, is.

Is it kind of gives you a little bit of a game within it now? Now, instead of just feeling like irked by whenever she messages. Yeah. You're going to try to find what stops her from doing it. Yeah. What about gibberish texts? Lean on the keyboard. Yeah. But also like literally start doing a regular response where you say like, hey, really nice to and then do it like Mad Libs.

Just the weirdest word in there. And then she can't. What about this? What if you start writing back? Do you have a dog or a cat? I have three cats. Why don't you start writing back from the perspective of one of your cats and be like, this is Luann's cat. Yeah. She might love that. That's well, but there's something about the email. I like the energy of this woman. There's something about that. That could be really interesting.

What if you wrote overly long emails about the interpersonal relationship between the cats? And when you think you're done, do three more pages. But like about their relationship with each other and about how like it's been really strange lately when like Wiggles isn't doing this. Like Tiger Lady is getting very mad at her. And I think it could. And you just go deeper and deeper into the great cat. Yeah.

Thanks. So this woman has to go. I think Luann is off the deep end. I don't care about her cats because what you're looking for is you want her to dump you. Also, another one, you could just copy the message she writes you and paste it back. That's interesting. Oh, how about this? What if you just reply all I farted?

That's good too. Every time she emails you, you just write back, I farted. This is a Instagram DM, right? So this is just to you. Okay, all right. So Jess, when she DMs you, you just write back, cool DM, I farted. Or like tootin' so hard. If somebody said to me, if I wrote an old friend, I wrote a whole thing about my life and then said, what's up with you? And they wrote back, I farted. I would go like, did you get hacked by a 10 year old? I would say our best approach here is

for you to pick four of these and let's just start going down the list and give each one a three week run. And the cumulative effect of this is she's going to be like, boy, Luann Lester, God damn. Yeah. What if every time I would guess what I think so too. What if every DM you wrote back? I'm a turtle. Yep. Man. I honestly, a half of these, I just feel like she would do herself genuinely. Yeah.

Say that again. What does that mean? She would do herself genuinely. She would say she's a turtle to you. She'll be like, awesome. I'm algae. I could see myself sending her a meme and her responding. I farted. Maybe be best friends with her. She sounds cool. What's the downside of this cool lady? Something that gives me like the, the very, very small annoyance is,

is when I send a friend a meme or a link or anything, and they respond, ha ha, I saw this. Like, just that realization that it takes the excitement out of like, I can't wait to show this to someone. And they're like, I already saw this. If you could hit her back with maybe not every single one, but 90% of them of like, yeah, I saw this. I think she might be like, why even send these? She's seen them all.

And then you have the obvious option, which is that you either just totally ignore it, you muter, or you just fucking go nuclear.

I mean, we could all just do that. If you're looking for a normal response, you've come to the wrong place. But we assume rationality has left the building. Yeah, I mean, that's why you're calling it. Before, we used to say, like, well, there's always a path. We've been doing this for a year now. You don't want that path. That's why you're here. One thing you could do is, and this is a long, weird play that could work.

You could respond back to her with specifics that aren't her, but the same name. And then she writes back like, I don't think we went to a water park last weekend. And then you can write, who is this? And she goes, you know, Stephanie Ann. And you go,

Stephanie Ann who? And she goes, and then you go, Oh my God, from high school. We haven't seen each other in like a decade. I'm so sorry. There's people, there's a friend of mine who I see. And I literally thought that was you. Then you go like all the best. Yeah. So nice hearing from you. Hope you've been good in the last 10 years in your life. Like go kick butt girl. Love ya. All right. Last pitch from me.

Google bad foot injury and just send back a picture each week of a really gnarly foot injury. Yeah. You could not have picked anything more specifically horrifying to me personally, and I do kind of love it. Why bad foot is so specific to you? I think feet are so gross. Oh, interesting.

Interesting. That's a great idea. That's about growth. All right. Well, look, I mean, we have kitchen sinked you. I think I don't know. What do you think, Jake? I would say the idea here is to just really start working through them. If they're working, then abandon them. We have a ton of options. So then, Luann, let's go to you. What are you going to do?

Yeah, I very much like the return the spam idea. I think I could really get chat GPT to work for me and get some long messages going about something dull. I like the turtle business. I like the dolphin emojis. I like the gibberish. I like the cat. I like it all. I'm going to try a lot of things and see what happens. Can you follow up with us and send us screen grabs of what you're doing and we'll block out the names?

Yeah. And let us know which one is kind of working the best. And if it goes sideways, call back because it might. Absolutely. You know, this is a this is a high wire act. Absolutely. Absolutely. And again, there's always the option of just ignoring which you've forgotten. What have you forgotten? What show you're doing? I have to be quite honest. Are you now, Tony Hale?

Are you Biff Whiff? Hailing. Who cares? I don't know. I would call your dad. Yeah.

Yeah. Why would you do this? You don't have to do it this way. I love when someone like Tony comes in and like, what are you doing? We're like, oh, sorry. We go nuts. Yeah. I think we need to talk about this person in a real way. Are you okay? And I'm like, hold on. So take the gumball, put it in your butthole. Do you have a costume shop near you? Luann, we appreciate the call. Keep us updated, please. Yeah. Let us know. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on June 10th. It's called Seeing Past the Piggies and it's the first call on this episode. If you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi. Hi, welcome back to the show. My goodness, happy to be here again. It's been a long time, it's been a long time. Remind us of who you are, what your problem is, and give us a gosh dang follow-up.

Oh, man. Here for that. My name is Beverly. I am calling from Arkansas. And it was about a month ago that we chatted last about a certain co-worker with a certain habit of removing their... Did you say co-worker? Oh, I think I did say co-worker. I think so. Get it trending.

So this was about the woman who you worked with in a hot office. She takes her shoes off and Gareth suggested Parmesan in the floor, which was still an all time favorite for me. And so what did you do? What's happening? Walk us through it. Where are we at? Yeah. Well, I just want to say, I really appreciate, I really appreciate like the validation, um,

um from you guys and from the here to help just like community so i just want to shout everyone out for that yeah i'm here for that yeah of course um so what i first did is um i there was someone with like stinky food in the office and so i asked her oh my god like do you do you smell that like are you you know and she she responded with it she doesn't really have a sense of smell

Interesting term. Or shared space. Right, of course. And it just kind of eliminates any of those pitches about like anything smelly or out thinking distinct. So then I try. Parmesan is more about the texture. True. Parmesan is more about the texture, but I would also suffer because then it would also be like, and I, you know,

You know what I mean? You ever heard of a war where one side said, like, there were no casualties? Yeah, it's true. Not reality. Not reality. But keep going, Beverly. You're always talking about war, Jake. Thank you for pointing that out. Embarrassing. So then I tried the whole thing of... Bully. Keep going, Beverly. Ignore them. No, it's okay. I'm here for this. We're here for this. So then I tried the...

I tried the thing where I was like, Hey, I think I saw like something crawling around. Like I'm not really a critter person, but I got a little freaked and like, I know I'm having this conversation with her while her shoes are off, of course. But I was like, I know you like to take your shoes off. And I just want to make sure that your toes were protected from like any sort of like spider or like whatever. Um, and I had to review the podcast notes actually before I,

I said that to her to see what they said word for word because I was so nervous about it. By the way, first of all, thank you. Most people don't take any of our advice. You took notes. You get a 10 out of 10. Second of all, thank you. You guys are my therapists is how I'm treating this. Dangerous, but keep going. It's so dangerous. My next follow-up will be how to find a new job because I will be getting fired. Absolutely. So to which she looks at me just like super straight face and says, oh, we have spiders here.

And I was like, okay.

So we're not bothered by spiders. We don't really have a sense of smell. And then I was like, I just need to get curious here. I need to ask a little bit more about the why behind the what, like get to the root of the issue. Hopefully. Do you ever want to co-host an episode with the way your brain works? Yeah. Goddamn genius. Oh my God. Are you messing with me? Well, thank you. You're doing a woman with a real brain. Oh my God. Um, they,

Then I asked if she'd ever had any incidents with her shoes off. I have an ally in the office and he was helpful in this conversation of just trying to make it feel like more casual. And the ally and I found out that

Simon, she essentially introduced the lifestyle of going barefoot to us. So by asking her these questions, she told us about how this is all a part of her life perspective of strengthening her feet and her legs.

And so she goes on to explain, no, I don't need that energy. She goes on to explain like the shoes need to have no soles or no heels. I've heard about these people. They cut their soles out of their shoes and they keep their shoes on so they can go into stores.

Right. I know this girl, Gareth. And she picks up her shoe to show me about how the toe needs to be an extra wide toe. Again, she picks up the shoe because she's not wearing it. And she shows it to me and she tells me that she loves to wiggle her toes around. And I'm like, sadly, Diamond, I know that not because you told me, but because I've seen you freaking do it like in our cubicle.

Them's be fighting words. Did you say that? Did you kind of go with like a real like... Were you kind of... I mean, were you kind of like that aggressive? I'm not saying anything, but according to my ally, my face was saying everything. So I...

Yeah. So now I kind of realized that I'm not up against the strange habit, but I'm up against like a lifestyle. Right. Like it's just it just feels a little different. It's obviously still goofy, but it feels like a little bigger than that. And so I was like, I need I need like a physical barrier for her feet.

Peanut butter and jelly. No peanut butter and jelly the floor because she, she doesn't have smell, but text. What'd you try? I got some like Arm and Hammer, like carpet deodorizer. Okay. And, um, I get to work before diamond does. Yeah. Essentially a Parmesan, but like my nose wouldn't be bothered by it. And I, I, I sprinkled it all over her side of the cubicle. Great. And it looks obnoxious. It's very, the floor is white. Um,

She now tracks it and wherever she goes, she tracks it with those. Right. Right. And that day, like she doesn't say anything about the white floor, but she also doesn't take her shoes off.

And it's fantastic. So it like solves the issue. The next day, because we think it's so goofy that she hasn't said anything about the white floor, my ally asks her, what's going on in here when I'm like not in the office? And she responds with, well, Beverly is...

scared of the spiders so she's put down some spider deterrent in the cubicle to keep the spiders away great not like the not the reason why but like still like we got what we wanted right and then yesterday you guys i do the same thing and she comes in and she takes off her shoes and i sent in a video and that has what has heard on this follow-up because i just sent it in this morning because i was so bummed out can we see the video coach yep one sec

It's just really fast. It's just her feet. It's her feet walking back into the cubicle without any guns on. There's a big community for this. What's interesting is that it worked and she didn't even say anything to you. She assumes you have a spider phobia.

Oh, fuck me. What the fuck? And I just want to say, we have consecutively had 10 days of heat advisories here in Arkansas. She is dedicated. She's dedicated to her lunchtime walk, to picking up trash, making the world a better place. I love that, and I want to cheer her on for that. But this is tough. It's good. It's just the feet. It's the bare feet. You know what we got to do, Beverly? What?

I think you got to go to one of the higher ups and ask for a new office and say, you love Diamond. She's great. Just say it's grossing you out. Yeah. You don't want to make this a big H.R. thing. You don't want to get her in trouble. You already have laid the foundation with the fact that you saw spiders over there. So it's not going to look like you're directly saying because of what she does. No. Also, I just say, like, I'm asking one on one to move.

Yes. Yeah. And you go, I don't want this to be about her. But you tried to fight this war with a we're here to help method. She's greater than our ability to stop. I could get like a doctor's note from my therapist. We can write a doctor's note because we're the therapist. We're doctors. Yeah. And we're not going to keep answering emails where people are saying we're not. We are doctors.

But by the way, should we do this for almost a year? You know what we could do? We're doctors. You know what we could do? Would you actually take this to your boss? Because we could write a thing. I would 100%. So why don't we write something from Dr. Johnson and Dr. Reynolds and Nurse Bartelt. Nurse Bartelt. And even... Go ahead. No, say it, Gareth. We could talk about how Nurse Bartelt doesn't follow us on Instagram. No.

And we could say that she needs her own space from this as her therapists. And when you are moving, if you can.

We just it's all about the spiders. You don't like spiders. You're arachnophobia. So just to clarify where we're at, because I think Gareth and I are going to sell something, but I don't know if you want to buy it. We're thinking of writing a letter to your boss and addressing the feet. But what you say to her is it's about the spider when you move, if it

Are you comfortable with that? You guys are addressing the feet in the letter or spiders in the letter? You can't say to the boss, my client needs to move because there's a spider. You get fired for being a maniac. We'll give you one of each. Could we do one of each? Is that okay? Or is that like a extra? I don't know what you guys charge for that. No, it's another $50. But we'll do one of each. Are you subscribed to the Patreon? Yeah, are you on Patreon?

Not yet. Well, that's... Okay, second one's patriotic. Well, for $5, you'll get 30 letters. We're writing notes for our patriots. Yeah.

And also a magic cloth that you can hold up to the YouTube screen and touch us. Absolutely. But we'll write you one of each. We can do this. And then you pick. And why don't you hand that to one? You pick which one and you tell your boss and you say, look, this is just, I've been talking to my doctor about this and this is where we're at. But just to talk about the spiders one for a second. If we're saying our client needs to move because there's a spider, then

The spider is not in one area in the office. That spider is everywhere. Right. But if we say our client is very arachnophobic and she saw two spiders in that area, she says she is comfortable just moving to another section of the office. Then her boss is going to think she's a fucking nut. Imagine being the boss there, Gareth. Yeah, it's now. But imagine being the boss of this.

Our client is really uncomfortable because the woman next door has a lifestyle where she doesn't wear shoes in the Arkansas summer and it stinks. And it's gross. But the boss knows this. Like the boss, like she's literally wiggled her toes at this boss and he doesn't do anything.

What about just going straight up to the boss and saying, Hey, I know it's wild. What about going straight up to the boss and just saying this, Hey, we all love diamond. I do too. I'm not looking to ruffle any feathers. Uh, can you move me somewhere in the office? I'm away from those bare feet. Cause it's gross to me. I think that's like an actual play. It is talking about spiders in a letter. Yeah, but you're used to living inside of the nuts.

It's not crazy to be like, I don't want to be next to someone with bare feet. If a grown up wore a diaper, if a grown up wore a diaper at work and dirty it, you're allowed to say, I don't want to be around them because I smell dirty diaper. You don't have to say, I don't want to be around them because there's not because there's a scorpion in the air. Not a bad pitch. Not a bad pitch. Have Bev wear a diaper.

Not a bad pitch. The woman has smelling issues. She'll just be sitting in her own filth. Tell you what, if I see someone sitting there in a tie-dye, I don't care what it smells like. I don't love it. Beverly, here's what I honestly think you need to do here. And this just takes courage. This takes courage. This takes guts.

And you can do this. You need to walk up to your boss alone and say, can we have a meeting one on one? Private. Meeting. Meeting. And they'll say, sure, is everything okay? And you'll say, everything's fine. Then you got to say- Can we call the feeding? Yeah, go ahead. I love working here. I am not looking to lose my job. I love all the people's personalities. I'm very happy.

I have an issue where sitting so close to diamond because she is shoeless, but I do not want to offend her. And I did not want to make her feel bad because I value her as a person. Can we do something secretly between you and I, where you move me to another part of the office? Uh,

so that she can continue her lifestyle and I can continue my lifestyle because my feet should be covered in public. And she already thinks I'm afraid of spiders. And I saw some over there. So I'll easily be able to say it's just I would say let's just drop the weird spider thing. No, we're sticking with spiders. It feels like it confuses a very simple good cover. But what do you think about that, Beverly? I think he's right.

Yeah, I just want to say with all of the episodes that I've listened to, like this feels like actually really helpful. And like, you guys are really zoned in on what you do here. So out of 10, what would you rate us? Well, thank you. You're still on the path. But it was a weird compliment, Gareth, because she always said of all the ones I've listened to, this one's the only one that's only kind of good. Jake, hit her with the rating question.

Out of 10, Beverly, zero means we've done a terrible job. Ten means we've totally solved your problem. What would you rate us? Because this is a positive, so it's for sure more than a seven, yeah? So what would you rate us? Yeah, for sure. I'm going like a 15. Oh, my God. The scale didn't even go that high. The scale didn't even go that high. But by the way, Beverly, what are you actually going to do? Yeah, I'm feeling like I would love like a hard copy letter. That just feels like it would be like so like –

The oomph that I need, the courage that I need to go and talk to my boss. Why do you need that? This is goofy.

You're going to hand the boss a letter as opposed to just having that very clear talk? Don't you think like having something to like hold on to and hand over? It's a fake letter. It's a paper trail. It's a paper trail. If you went to your therapist and the therapist said, my client's uncomfortable. Also, if I'm your boss, I'm going like... Beverly, this is Dumbo's feather. You don't need the letter.

You have it inside of you to go there and have this conversation. You don't want a paper trail. Cause it's going to make you seem worse. I think you just say it's going to hurt you. Yes. But take a deep breath and just go in there and say, look,

Look, I am not complaining. I love being here. This is not a squeaky wheel deal. No. But can you move me? Her feet. I don't love her feet. I have to think about feet. And you know what he's going to say? You guys, is this something I'm doing today? Yes. This is something you're doing after lunch. Oh, my God. This is something you're doing right after you hang up from us. You are walking in and you're talking to her. It's fresh in your head. This is the moment. Do not overthink it. Each day is going to get harder.

Just put on 8 Mile. Are you on a cell phone right now? Yeah. Start walking in. Oh, my God, Jake. We're not going to matrix this. Start walking in. Jake, you're going to freaking get me fired from my job. I know. Okay, then I don't want to do that. I want to get you. No, you're not. Okay.

I'm leaving the parking lot. Okay. So here's our advice. Our advice is go into the boss, have the talk. If you're afraid it's going to make you lose your job, do not do it. And again, if the boss puts up, if your boss is like, what are you talking about? Be like, you know, I'm just saying it's cool. We'll figure it. Just. Yes. I don't think it's a crazy. Right. Not to say that. And if there's room to move you. They'll move you.

Okay. Do you guys want to be on speakerphone for this? No. Yes. Oh, Jesus Christ. I do. Do you think your boss is going to see that you're on speakerphone? Yeah, we don't want to. If that's going to rock the boat, I don't want to do it. Because if she catches it, then I think she's going to be like, what are you doing? Ready to go. I agree. Ready to go.

I'm just kidding, you guys. I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. Oh, my God. Goodbye, Beverly. Beverly, let us know how it goes if you're going to do it. I think you're Diamond, by the way. You have no shoes on. We just entered your world. You sent a video of your own feet. Okay, thanks, pal. Bye, buddy. All right, let us know. Bye. Okay, bye. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.