91: I Talk You Talk with Jameela Jamil
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And we are back, Jake. With a guest. Kevin. With a guest. Punk with a chunk. We are back. Little less chunk. Um...

We have a great episode today, as always. But we have the great Jamila Jamil with her podcast, I Weigh, joining us today. I've been a fan of hers for a long time. Same. She comes on and just crushes. She's great. So funny. Great energy. She also, we talked to her for a little after. Very interesting. Some wild stories about that place. What happened to her during it?

Yeah, I think you will be surprised. So we're hoping that this will get, you know, all the good place fans because we've got some insights that you're not going to get on entertainment tonight. No, Mario Lopez isn't getting that. He's not breaking this news. No, absolutely. And that's actually a smooth transition because I'm living in hotels again where Mario Lopez lives full time in the hotel TV. And so today I'm in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, and I get a knock at the door.

And and it's the police. And shocking. Right. You know, I thought I did. I did. I did have the do not disturb on. So I thought the may maybe. Yeah. Was ignoring. And apparently, yeah, it's not a barrier for the. Can you imagine the cops, Karen? Yeah.

It's room 412. It's room 412. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's got the do not disturb. It's on the handle. It's on the handle. Let's go to the front desk and they can call him and see. No, it's do not disturb. All right, all right, all right. We'll wait until he exits the hotel tomorrow. Go to the window. Go to the window. Well, okay. So they're like, you're the comedian? And I'm like, uh-huh. I hope so. I was like, oh, boy. And, uh.

And they basically... Did you have a second in your head where you're like, I'm the Lenny Bruce of tickles in Pennsylvania? Well, I... What did I say that just broke the bank? I'm doing a little bit of crowd work, but I also was talking government a little. The fact that they were there with a comedy warrant, I was like, oh, boy. Yeah, I was a little bit like, what did I say? Yeah. Thinking back to my Twitter or whatever. But...

Earlier today, I was shooting a promo for my Boston show. And I was shooting and like Luke is in his room. And we were like, oh, it'd be funny if I like am waiting outside your window. We're on the first floor. So I'm like, I'm waiting outside your window. And you open your curtains and I'm there just doing my Boston promo, just like a creep, you know. And as we were finishing it, he's closing the blinds and I start banging on the window like, come to my show, come to my show. Something like that. Did it one time.

And apparently that was enough to scare someone. And then the cops were at the door. And then he's like, and then so they start kind of almost investigating me like comedy court. He's like, and you're a comedian? Uh-huh.

And, uh, and what kind of comedy are you doing? And I'm like, they kind of have to, I don't know if they need that part, but it is very interesting how quickly I was like, I do, you know, I do stories. I do observational, I do crowd work, you know? And then, um, and then it's like, you know, and then I, and then, so I'm like, uh, if you guys want to come to the show and right away, both are like, yeah, probably not. Um,

And I was like, okay, so we're learning our roles in this little interaction for sure. I had a thing where I was in Dublin doing an acting school in college for a little bit. And I had a roommate named Brandon Voss, who's still one of the funniest guys I've ever been around. And we had all the other students were below and above us. And we were just looking for attention one night. And so we pretended to have a big domestic dispute between us.

And he was yelling and I was yelling and we, you know, we were little in our twenties acting school. So we like dress the part and I was wearing like a little, like, you know, white tank top and, you know, we're screaming at each other, pretending pans are going. And what we thought was, uh,

And we had like set it up in class that we were arguing a lot. We were pretending to be like a little twosome. And we were thinking like, you know, some girls from upstairs would be like, are you beating up Brandon? And the Dublin police came.

But we were so committed to the thing that when there was knocking, I went like, what? And he in the background was like, just open the door, you animal. It's like David Mamet. Yeah, well, we kind of like in our game when we thought we were not sober, we thought we were so funny. And so I go like, what? And they go like, open the door. And I open the door and it's these two young Irish policemen.

But Brandon in the background was asking, like acting like, oh, and to transition from that with police, that it's a game. Oh, yeah. It's not their line of work. So they were like, what's going on? And I was like, I was like, oh, this is a total misunderstanding. They're like, is it? What are you doing? And I'm like, pretending to be in a verbal dispute with my roommate, who's truly a good friend. And he's like.

Can we come in? I'm like, yeah, it went on. We couldn't get out of it. Then I felt like I was lying. Then everything we were saying, I'm like, I am telling the truth, but now I'm nervous. And he's like, so you guys were just you were pretending to drop pans on the floor. And I'm like, this sounds insane. But yes, right, officer. We're fantastic actors. That's the crime. We were so loud that we scared people all for nothing on a Wednesday night because we're idiots.

And I was like, I wonder what percentage of cops have to deal with stuff where they get there and they're like, this is all for nothing. Well, you know, that was with the body cam. I was like, if anyone reviews this footage, they'll be like, what a sad man. By the way, fuck your promo of you banging a glass doing a bit. If you can get that body cam footage, that's your promo for Boston. I was just going to say, I should have started doing a promo into the body cam. If you got that.

You'd be like, I'm really sorry. I was just doing it for the Boston Tickles on the 14th. By the way, garencrenalds.com. Still tech is available for Rochester. If somebody could pull that off. You know, you could actually pull off fake body cam and have Luke come to your door. That's funny. But I would never go soft on it at the end where you let everybody know, like, this is a silly joke. Do it actually. Try to make it look real. Yeah, I get arrested. Just release it. I might not make the show.

All right. Well, anyway, listen, we like to laugh here. Go watch us on YouTube. Go subscribe. Tell people we love it. We live for it. Keep emailing the show with problems.

This is its own ecosystem, guys, and we love every minute of it. Jake, anything else? I think that's a nice way of putting it. I agree. It's become its own thing. And we're nearing 100. Kevin, can you tell the great people what you're planning for 100? I am planning a very big live stream featuring Jake, Gareth, and myself. And it's going to be- Bad salesman, dude. I mean, honestly, the name- By the way, I said it yesterday.

We got really big names. Literally us. We got the host and the producer. And we hadn't talked about having guests on it until now, but you really sold something to these people that we were not planning. Yeah. Now it shows that we don't have guests. Special guest, Gareth. Special guest, Jake. And also me, Kevin. Featuring from the podcast. Come on, man. Come on, man. I'll work on the pitch. Yeah. We are going to do it live. Live?

We're going to do it. We're going to do it. A live stream on Patreon. It's going to be long. We're going to get a lot of calls. We'll have a cocktail or two. We're going to let it rip. And it's introducing Kevin's new home studio. I call it the studio. I'm excited. Because he's a hunk with some chunk. By then, he'll probably be a little less chunky. Without further ado. Okay.

1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Is that all right? Perfect. Okay, great. Hello. What was your name again? Sorry. Kevin. Nice to see you. Kevin. Hello, Kevin. Nice to see you. Hung of the show. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recently married. Caller, can you hear us? It's tough for me to hear. It's shit. It's shit.

I had to tell you that. I saw you with the what's your name routine. Slow down. Nice. He's called for it. Actually, I've got a wedgie. The old what's your name. Oh, that's your move. Yeah, yeah. And now Kevin's throwing his wedding ring out. Wow, Jesus, Kevin. Through his shoulder. Recently married. You pulled the old trick. Let me pull this out of my ass. My asshole just ate my granny pants. Erections down.

Or you see Kevin and your asshole goes like this. Crank it. I need like a bow. All right. All right. Caller, are you there? Yes, I am. Hello. Can we get your name, rough age and where you're calling from, please? Yes. My name is Woody and I'm 37. And I'm calling from Alberta. Yeah, Woody.

Like Woody Woodpecker. Woody, is this the real name? I'm calling from Alberta, Canada. Is this the real name? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was going to say, if you're going to come up with a pseudonym. Best name. Yeah, truly. It's great. It's very Alberta. I wanted to say it was real, but yeah, let's say it's real. Okay. Well, Woody, listen, we all support you and your name. That sounds like a pseudonym. Listen, you have Jake Johnson. You know him. You have me, Gareth, obviously. But we have a very special guest today. A guest helper. Oh, yes, Jake. Yes. All right.

Our guest helper. Well done, Jake. You know her from The Good Place. She has a podcast called Bad Dates. Please welcome. Slow clap. Jamila Jamil. Hello. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining the show. Thank you. The kind of woman whose butthole eats her granny panties. Yeah, like it's spaghetti.

I'm a huge fan of all three of you, so that's great. Oh, great. Hi, Woody. Hi, Woody. Before we start, Woody, and we're about to get to it, but of all fake names, why Woody? Because I'm calling about my best friend, and I decided to call her Buzz. Okay, I got you. Because of our dynamic. Okay, I got you. Okay. So Woody- Yeah, I did a Toy Story thing. Respect, respect. I was thinking you were doing a Cheers thing. So Woody-

Woody, the floor is yours. You're in Alberta. You're 37 years old. Okay, well, here's why I'm calling. My best friend, Buzz, is an incredible lady. I love her so much. We've been best friends for almost 19 years. She just has one kind of thing that she always does that I always tell her it's gross. She always says, you're high strung, leave me alone. And it just continues. But the other day I had a breaking point. I got into her car and it's full of used tissues, like naughty little...

And they're in her cup holders. There's one I can see hanging out of her, out of her cute little sweater pocket. They're everywhere. And I'm just like, bud, can you move some of these so I can put my coffee down? And she moves them. And then, you know, I'm just thinking this is getting bad. Really quick pause. This episode is brought to you by Kleenex.

It is. We are quite literally sponsored. If you're going to litter your car with... Don't do it with a... No, don't do it with a regular tissue. Do it with Kleenex. Kleenex. There's nothing better to litter your car with than Kleenex. Wait, wait, who is the person who is... Buzz, her best friend, 19 years. Okay, Buzz, best friend. 19 years, uses Kleenex all the time.

A woman or a man, because those are very different uses of Kleenex. She's a woman. She's a woman. Okay, okay. Does that help? That is better. It's slightly better. I agree. Not necessarily, though. I'd be more likely to swallow one than the other side. Wait, hold on. I'd love to see that contest. Where is this happening, by the way? Welcome to the first annual tissue swallow. Woody, hold on one second. No, no, no, no.

I actually would rather not swallow either. If we're going to normalize the initial instinct, oh no, all of my intrusive thoughts are happening. If we're going to discuss the initial instinct, it's like, ugh, snot. But if it was jizz, then you think, oh, that's worse. But then actually, if you think about what people are willing to swallow...

That's true. Then they're more likely... It's more likely to... I'm sorry. No, that's actually a good point. No, stay, obviously. But I do think Kleenex has dropped as a sponsor based on the last part of the conference. But...

The idea, if you had a male friend, hold on, that filled his car with jizz Kleenex, and your response to that is just, do you mind moving it over a little bit? The answer is no. If I got in someone's car and there was jizz Kleenex, you're an animal? How are you telling the difference? That's the question.

Load size? Hardness. Hardness. Yeah. So you're touching the tissues. I'm touching them. I'm playing around in them. It's a little bit of CSI. I'm making a snow angel, a little jizz angel in them. Yeah, tasting them. So Woody back to you. This one's jizz. So Woody back to you. You get in the car with your friend Buzz. There's Kleenex everywhere. Full of snot. Yeah. Keep going. Full

Full of snot. You guys have already given me help by giving me perspective that it's not jizz. Could have been worse. I'm already happier. Okay, sorry. Okay, so we have a friend with a sinus problem. Yeah. She blows her nose a lot. It's Alberta. It's cold. It's pretty cold. I mean, like, and I can relate, right? And I understand the need to maybe carry a tissue and dispose of it when it gets full, I guess. Right. But the thing with my friend Buzz is...

she'll use them until they're disintegrated. So we went into the store and she pulled up this sad little Kleenex that was begging to be thrown away. And she wiped her nose. And I saw a really cute guy checking her out, see this happen and then physically shut her and turn the other way. And I was like, as a single and looking friend, I mean, should we just maybe decide when we use our tiny gross tissues? Do we, do we maybe just,

think of a time that it's good to throw them out. Do they have a use limit? Like I'm not trying to not shame her, but I also want to know if I can help her maybe regulate this thing. So hold on Woody. There's a few different problems that I'm hearing. So, okay. Well, I mean, they're all the same problem, but there's different, there's different roads. There's different routes. That's right. So,

She uses a lot of Kleenex. She leaves them in the car. That's a problem, too. She uses the same Kleenex so often that they become little disgusting rags. Go ahead. Do we think that this is why she's repeatedly ill? Because she's taking these old tissues that have old bacteria on them and then shoving them back up her nose. It's not just giving like she's just had the same cold for several years.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's such a good point. Oh, yeah. But then the third thing is if she's a filthy woman. Yeah. But the third thing is she's using them in front of potential mates. By the way, can I just say, let's say you're attracted to someone in the grocery store. You see them do this. This throws you away. This makes you go, no. To me, I'd be, no, not me. Really? Yeah. I'd be like, not great. If anything, I'd feel like, oh,

more pain especially interested yeah it's what I'm getting if I give you five dollars can I get your old rags you what oh it's a good that came out way too fast it's because I've said it because it's the name of my memoir it's a podcast I do

Can I buy your regs? Hey, can I buy your regs for five bucks by Garrett Reynolds? How you doing, honey? I'm with you. You are. That it shouldn't be a deal breaker. But hold on. If you see someone using an old tissue, that might be the only tissue they have available. They didn't use their sleeve or their hand. I'm like, that's what someone had. Sometimes we all have an old tissue on us. Yeah. If I saw someone buying toilet paper, I wouldn't be like, oh, she poops. I'm out. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

You were just talking, you're in a grocery store, you see somebody, let's say you're single. Yeah. You're looking to mingle. Okay. You go, fucking hunk and aisle four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hunk sees you and goes, babe and aisle three. You pass each other again. Yeah, yeah. You're doing whatever little moves you do, the granny panties wedgie move you like to call. He's doing whatever cool moves he's doing, pretending to lift up heavy stuff. You guys are doing the dance. Yeah. You turn a corner, you see him. He has a disgusting old rag and he's blowing his nose. You're thinking-

Don't care still in what state do you think the single world is in that's not the deal-breaker? All right, we have actual murderers out there. I'm fine. He didn't use his sleeve He didn't pick his if I saw him pick his nose Then I'm done. I'm at that that to me about same scenario. You see that same guy. He blows a huge fart, huh?

That's hysterical. I'm immediately in love. I don't love that move. That's objectively. It's questionable decision making. Or he bends over, blows an accidental monster fart. You're thinking this? That's too far. No, that is too far. But hold on. Everybody has gas. No, but my boyfriend and I are actually, we are nine and a half years in. We've never farted willfully in front of people. There's probably still romance in your house. There is still romance in my house. Yeah, of course.

And you definitely have. You've just been very delicate. I said willfully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Willfully. I said willfully. You've waited for like the gunshots and John Wick and you've been like right now. You both. Yeah, both of you are just. When you're asleep, it's like Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Right, right. But I think that. That's right. But we refer to them as thoughts. It's like, I need to go out to the balcony to think for a second. Yeah.

And then one of my favorite things he ever said was, you need to leave the room right now. And I was like, why? And he was like, because I'm worried that this thought is going to turn into a memory. LAUGHTER

And I was immediately so in love with him. I was like, this is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. That's a great philosopher. Yeah, really, truly. So Woody, we're going back to you for a second here. So can you walk us clearly through what you think buzzes big issue with these Kleenex as specific as you can? And then what is this the question we can help you with? Yes.

So I think, yeah, because I think what she's doing is she's maybe letting them dry down. She's a very waste not want not kind of person, which I respect all the time.

for the most part, right? Exactly. She's saving the planet. Stop it. For the most part, I'm with her. But I'm just thinking maybe I can encourage like a youth limit because I think if I saw someone blow their nose with maybe a folded over Kleenex, I'd be like, okay, you know, it's cold season. But if it was like this little deal, it's this little disintegrated just crying for help

tiny little thing and she balls them up. She gave me a sweater. I washed it. I unzipped the pocket, put it on, put my hand in the pocket. You guys, there was a balled up snot rag in there. I'm like, my friend, they're everywhere, right? So I'm just like, can we maybe just regulate it? I just kind of want to help her. I want to help her so that when someone gets in her car, there's not eight or nine little snot rags. Maybe she just has one. Maybe it's

lightly used, you know? The used snot rag in the aisle when a hot man's looking at her, I don't give a shit about that. I'm fine with that. We have to do what we have to do when we are out in the wild. However, the stored up tissues in her car is fucking foul and unacceptable for anyone to have to contend with. That is a, like, I don't, like, even, I think even Greta Thunberg would be like, there's a line. There's the line. Remove your, remove your bacteria, like, like,

your sodden bacteria laden rags from my eyesight. It is a, it is something that we shouldn't carry too much shame about, but I think, you know, I think our society has gone and I've been part of this cause I've been like a mental health warrior. I'm like, shame is really bad for us. We've gone too far.

We've taken too much of the shame away and we need to bring a little bit, a little bit of it back. By the way, I'm not going to tangent to her. I'm 100% with you. And we need a little less gratitude. A little less gratitude. We've gone a little more shame. We've gone really far into the no shame, all gratitude. I'm like, look around, guys. Have a little less gratitude, a little more shame. But I'm going to pitch on you. I'm going to pitch on you. And I'm going to actually go with where you're going on that with the rags are getting gross. It's a little bit much. Yeah, yeah.

Woody, I got something you could do that could be an easy solution. Okay. New friend. Really genuinely bad pitches, both of you. We're trying to fill in your pitch. And it was written like it was in a script where it's dual dialogue. You guys, you paste it like comedic acting pros. Thank you. You can live in a two-shot there. You don't have audio. We got it. So here's my pitch to you, Woody. Okay. Bandanas.

So, you know, in the old West where you would have like a, or like a, you know, maybe it's not the old West, but an old timey movie. You're talking about like a handkerchief? Handkerchief. Yeah, the handkerchief. Handkerchief's a fucking...

fucking gross no interesting i thought that was gonna go different i like definitely thought you were gonna get excited when you hit that anchor anchor all the dialogue feels scripted now that you went with hanky but you don't think that's the solution no well disgusting they are what about like old world where everyone would go like this blow put it back everyone died at 26 yeah it was a horrible time we were shitting in sheds yeah interesting i

We're not shitting in sheds anymore? We're not. We have indoor plumbing. You do? Jake? Mr. Money Bucks over here. Jake! What? Everybody's got a shit shed now. Moving on.

And Jake has an in-house. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out what he's talking about. I just don't think we need to glamorize the era of the plague. I think that's too far. So you're saying don't do, because that was going to be my big pitch. I thought we were going to get out of here. Right. You don't think a handkerchief or multiple handkerchiefs is a good move? No. Well, we're dealing with a person with a problem. A hoarder. We can definitely

with a hanky solve the huge issue which is the seat well it's still problematic did you have a pitch did you oh my pitch is she's so mad by the way you got so mad at my pitch that now you're thrown I'm just horrified by handkerchiefs I really I can't like they are they are to be for like a woman's tears and a woman's tears alone the minute we start to take it down south to the nostrils I am

- Interesting. - Absolutely not. - Would that be a deal breaker? - It doesn't just have to be a woman's tears. It's just that often that's in the movies how they would offer. - How about in a grocery store, you see a hunk IL-3, he blows his nose in a handkerchief, puts it back in his pocket. - Filthy. - Deal breaker. - Fucking filthy. Not a deal breaker, all right?

Sounds like a deal breaker. No, no, no. I'd still go out with him. I would still go out with him and I would encourage him away from it. It's not the same as nose picking. Nose picking is a statement to society. What is the statement? It says, I don't give a fuck about any of you. And we like this. Yeah. It's like, I am an animal. I quit. And I like that about myself. I'm done. And that's fine.

And you can find another animal. I never got turned on by a nose picker until this moment. Now I like the trait. If I saw aisle three, a lady picking her nose, you're an animal, you don't give a fuck. I'm your guy. Yeah, just walk up to her. May I? I have a visceral reaction to that. But for me, my pitch is just, I think it's time to buy your friend like a little trash can. That's what I say. A car can. And it's a strong hint.

It's a hint where you're coming packed with a solution, you know, just like, hey, how about we take these tissues and we just move them two inches over into this little trash can. And then when the trash can fills up, we empty the trash can. We don't stick it in a coffee cup that also shouldn't still be in the car. So I've got something for you, Woody. What are you thinking about that pitch? Because if you like it, I got a pitch on that pitch, but only if you like the car can.

I like where it's going. I do. So can we do something? Jamila, if you're comfortable. Right. Can you... I just pulled a wedgie out of my arsehole at the beginning of this chat. Well, we can amend that to buzz if you wanted to use that as a hanky. So you've just got, as I was hearing you describe the cash can, you've got like a great narrator's voice. Right. Can you maybe...

You could play this for her as you give it to her, but a quick description of what the car can does, what she should do with her Kleenex, so that Woody doesn't have to go, hey, Buzz, I got you this because you're disgusting. Here's blank. It could go, I want to play you something. Give me an idea of what I'm saying. Well, you're making her feel comfortable with the move. Hi, this is a car can.

What a car can is used for is old Kleenexes getting put inside. When you use a Kleenex, you put it in a car can. How often do you get rid of a car can? You have to clean it out every two weeks. This is a lot to ask of me. It is a lot. Give me a sound bite and I'll say it in my narrator voice. I'm not your monkey who came here to dance for you. I am a guest. That's true. A guest monkey who dances? Yes.

Because those are the best guests. It's a $50 bucket pair. I am not wearing a little waistcoat. Then can we do this? Gareth, can you try to do Jamila's voice? And then if you don't like it, will you jump in? Yeah, of course I will. So this is going to be something we're going to send you this clip and you can play for her. You thought your role was hard. This is impossible. We're going to send you this clip and you're going to play it for Buzz as you give her the little car can. Is that something we can get you to agree to, Woody?

Brilliant, brilliant. If you get the impression of me wrong, I'm going to flick you in your dick hole. Will you spread your legs and sit closer? Yeah. Wait, what? Oh, gosh. My underpants have just gone up my arsehole. Pretty good. God, it's good. Pretty good. So this is going to be the beginning. You're going to play this in three, two, one.

I'm sure you're wondering what is this that I've just gotten you. Well, it's what I call a car can for your Kleenex. Look, you're a great friend of mine, you always have been. But every time I get in your car, the passenger seat looks like it's a teenage boy's dresser covered in little jizz rags.

That's why I'm asking, bear with me, that's why I'm asking you to always dispose of these horrible tissues in this car can. The car can is going to help you take a step into the 21st century. How often do you have to... And we ask that you empty the car can once every three to four days unless it's filled up early because of a lot of extra snot. Pretty good.

Jamila, thoughts? I thought the shoulder action was a lot. This is audio. It's audio only. I gotta say, pretty good, though. It was very good. Pretty good. Extraordinary. Extraordinary accent. I need to smoke. And that was really intense. And Woody, do you think you'll actually play that for her? And then would you follow up with us? Tell her it's me. 100%. Great. Great. So excited. And you're a no on the handkerchief, yeah?

Big, big, big. We're going to move on from that. Thank you so much for the call. Yeah. OK, bye. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. So people are traveling a lot during the summer. And if you're looking for a place to stay or go to Booking.com, stylish hotels, family friendly resorts. I told you yesterday, Jake, I was driving back on a brutal trip.

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I have a lube story that I will, I don't have to tell right now, but I- Let's hear it. Okay. Well- One second, caller. Sorry. You're going to hear a lube story. I, um, it's not, it's not- Oh, okay is a really great response. Wait, really quickly. Can we get your name, please? Yeah.

Danielle. Danielle. All right. And then Danielle, here's a lube story. Okay. So it's adjacent to your story, but I get gifted strange things. Sure. By brands who,

who want you know me to like promote things on in on instagram sometimes and about 10 years ago uh a big famous condom company sent me um an advent calendar at christmas of different flavors of lube wow and it was like she's 25 days and then a partridge in a country so i um so i was single very single at the time and wasn't going to be using it and gave it to my beloved

roommate who was a woman and she emptied it out because she doesn't want to look like a crazy person if she brings someone home and be like oh it's going to open day number 12 hello December 9th she emptied them out so she's talking 25 lubes and puts them in her nightstand and the next day our house gets burgled

And our landlord lives on the bottom floor. So he makes it up there before us. And I walk into the apartment and he's in her bedroom. And whoever's been there has emptied out her drawer just alongside the bed. And now she looks like a maniac. Oh, no.

Your landlord? That's a great story. 25 different bottles. Kathleen's lube is fine. He didn't take that, thank God, so she could still. That is a great story. And then watching her try to explain it was my favorite thing. So I was like, no, because it was an advent calendar and it was actually, it's not mine. It's not mine.

It wasn't mine. He was like, you have nothing to explain, which is the worst thing he could have said. But it just triggered a memory of that. You're going to have a great December. I beg your pardon, caller. Sorry, Danielle. Now, that's a loop story. So, well, cat's out of the bag. We have a guest helper today. You have Jake, you have myself, and you have Jamila Jamil from The Good Place and from Bad Dates Podcast. So can we get your age?

and what's your lube experience just so we can have that on record oh i'm 32 and uh i prefer not to answer okay that's sure that's fine and daniel where are you from that's a lot of late yeah that's a lot of i'm in south carolina south carolina and uh what's your sign uh i think i'm a libra i'm october a lube red you say sorry i heard no libra october and what kind of music you like

I like alternative. Alternative. Give me what's like, what's a good alternative band. Who's your favorite band? I like blue October. You what? The band's called October. You're born in October. You know what I'm talking about? What's going on here? What's going on here? Can't stop thinking about October. October. What's your problem? October. My problem is I always say October when I get nervous.

My problem today is October, October and October, October and my roommate, October. So Daniel, what can we do for you today? 32 South Carolina and a bunch of Octobers. Yeah. Oh, so my husband is super patient. He never asked for anything, but he also never makes the listening sound. So, you know, when you talk to somebody and they kind of go, Oh yeah. What? Yeah. He doesn't make the sound. And so I tell a story and at the end it's just silence.

I love this. Sometimes I'll say, like, hello, and then he'll say, oh, yeah. And, like, I've even sat him down and said, like, most people make these sounds. Wow. Please just say something so that you can...

I know you're listening. I feel you on this one. I hate a silent listener. You feel like you're bombing. I hate a silent listener. Make a fucking sound. I think you guys have a unique perspective because your job requires you to elicit an audience response. I'm not trying to be a stand-up comedian to my husband or anything, but I

I'm trying to have a conversation. Wait, so are you saying that even at the very end of the story, so you're not just not getting that, oh, interesting. You're also not getting any, are you not getting any reaction at the very end? Does he just stay still like a stone? 95% of the time. Is he having a health episode? Every time. No. Or he's just one of those, and I've been around these, they're, you'll finish the story and they'll wait for you to say something next and it's just silent. Yeah.

Right. When I was growing up, I used to do that for my mom, where I'd be getting in trouble about something that happened a lot. So I'd just be staring at her and she finally started saying, I talk, you talk. Because what you're basically saying is like, get into it. There was a Native American practice of waiting for one minute.

after someone else has finished speaking to speak so that it didn't feel as though the entire time the other person was speaking, you were waiting to respond. It means you're already processing what they've said. That conversation is so fucking ancient. You know what the term for that was in that community? The not Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. Okay. We're all having a laugh. Danielle is your husband, Native American. We had a good joke. Everyone's having fun.

Some of us are taking some shrapnel, but we're here. Everyone quiet. We're here to solve Danielle's problem. So, Danielle, just to catch up so we're all on the same page. Your husband, what do we want to call him really fast? October? We can call him Anthony. Anthony. Call Tony. Do you mind if I call Tony? Tony from the neighborhood. Call him Tone. So, you talk to Anthony. He does not make any sounds.

When you finish a, and you're not a standup comedian, but a story about your day, you get nothing but blank stares from him. He's patient. He is listening, but he doesn't make any sounds and it's driving you. Yeah.

and Daniel, I'm with you on this one. Up a fucking tree. You're going nuts. Wait, she's confronted him about it. So what did he say when you confronted him about it? Nothing. He just sat there. Yeah. A minute and a half later, he went like this. Okay. Has he ever spoken? Is he alive? It's burnout. We can have burnout. So Daniel, that's a great question. When you confronted him in the past, what did Tone say? I mean, he's like, oh, okay. I can, like he said he could do it. Um,

But I mean, it hasn't really happened. I think it's like a habit you need to break, you know, because it's kind of like if you haven't done it your whole life, it's just unnatural, I guess. Now, after the minute and a half of silence, is it clear Anthony's been listening? Like if you tell a story about your day afterwards, does he take a pause and go like, want to get dinner? Or does he respond and you can tell he's interested, he's listening? Yeah.

It's kind of hard to tell sometimes, but I mean, I can ramble. Hold on, hold on. This is a different problem. Does he have headphones? Does he speak English? That's a great question. Is he real? Is this an apparition? Is he in the room with us right now? Yeah. I would love it if the reveal is he didn't speak English. That'd be great. He does have a big family, so maybe he's used to it. And he's very shy. Can he with his hands make a perfect box?

Is he able to do that? Can he go like this? And does he, like, do a lot of tricks with umbrellas? Is he kind of French? Can he make up? Does he wear a beret? Because you might be married to a genius. It's just you didn't know. He's just a performance artist. It's very likely. Yeah, the sudden gust of wind seems to overturn.

When you finish talking, does he do like a finger up, like one more thing, but he doesn't talk. He's seen a lot of parks. Very good at charades. Yeah. Put money in the hat. He's got a hat in front of him, I'm sure. Okay. Put a couple bucks in and move on. Marcel. Name Marcel. Well, there was another issue I had before, and then it took like three years, and then we finally resolved it. Basically, like anytime I was in the bathroom, he would always have something to tell me or show me something. Like my son learned, and I was like, please, not now.

or he's like hopefully he found ted in the shower so i'm showering and he doesn't know how to communicate well he's just he's off with his time he's off with his time he doesn't know when to do he doesn't know when to do talking yes you know he just it's a timing issue yes yeah so do you think maybe if you told him a story while you were in the bathroom this is that he would then be more communicative with you do you think it could be a location thing if that's a turn that it's a great solution

It really is taking your two problems and putting them in a head. And combining them. Yes. You know. But then she's got to do all of the emotional labor. Well, but whatever. Okay, but wait. Does he ask follow-up questions when you tell him a story? Sometimes. She can ramble. Not too much. But he is listening. It's not like he's like... That's what she said. He is. I listened. And I mean, the way that I communicated to him about the bathroom thing was like, I mean, I told him like, oh, please, like, stop doing that. Ha ha. But then...

But then he didn't take it seriously. So has he taken that and then become silent for the rest of his life? Do you think he took an oath, a vow of silence after you told him that because he was embarrassed? And what you're witnessing now is punishment for having asked him to stop speaking to you while you're pooing or showering. This has been like our whole relationship. Have you ever told him a story that's amazing? And has he reacted or is he Teflon?

He's pretty tough one. Wait, okay, wait, wait. I have a follow-up question just to add on to that. Have you ever seen him react to someone else? Is this just a specific you and him thing? Is he really animated with other people or is this just a thing that he does with other people? Have other people noticed it about him?

He's also pretty silent with other people. Right. Okay. So it's not personal. Again, he comes from a big family. So I wonder if, I don't know, like maybe you just kind of close your mouth so that other people can talk. So, Dania, I had a neighbor who, when I used to live in Atwater, he was an old guy. He would come to my fence and just talk at me. Like Wilson. Kind of.

And he, I realized pretty quickly, he wasn't listening. He was just talking at me because I tried to form a relationship. So what I would do is as he was talking to me, I just started saying random words to test him. So he would come by and go like, well, if you're going to be digging out back there, you got to go to two feet from the fence. And I would go salami and Turkey with a bunch of cheese. And he would go, yep.

but it's got to be two feet in. And I would go, pepperoni pizza. Yeah, this is so funny that this is your version of the story, whereas he's going back to his wife being like, the man next door is a learning difficulty. I just kindly ignore it and do my best. I love the polarity of your experiences. So, Danielle, here's the pitch on that. I would like you to try a test with him.

And that is, I would like you to stop a story, mid-story, with no conclusion and nothing happening. Stop, and after a minute and a half, if he goes like, yeah, pretty interesting, then he is not listening. Great. So if you start a story where you go like, so I went, I was just at this restaurant when I was with my friend and we were eating and what was really interesting, and then... They serve Martian meat. Or you don't even finish. You just literally in the middle of it, stop. If there's a minute, and then he goes like...

Yeah, well, I was glad you spent the time with Cindy. He's not listening. Also, you could try the same thing, but a more extreme version of it, which is tell him something fucking insane. Yes. You know, and just see if then you can get a reaction. Like, tell him something real. Tell him you robbed a bank. Make up a crazy story. Tell him you kidnapped someone and they're in the attic. Tell him you were on a bus.

And someone pulled a gun on the bus driver. Tell him the plot to speed. And on the bus, once it went above 50, it couldn't drop below. Otherwise, this fucking bomb would go off. I think that's right. But I think if you do that, you can't change your tone to make it seem exciting. Use the same tone. Start a story where he goes like, hey, honey, how was work? And go like, it was really good. The weirdest thing happened was that there was a dead body and

three of my best friends and I went to find it. We walked down by the tracks. There was a guy named Ace who was a little bit older than us. He pulled a gun on us. We saw the body and in doing it, we realized that the best friends I'll ever have are the friends I have right now when I was just a boy. And later in life, I became a writer. And if he takes a pause and goes, pretty good. You're like, homie, you

I just told you to stand by me. This is a major issue. But you can't then go like, and there was a bus in there because then he'll have to pay attention. Well, you just go and then someone pulled the gun. I mean, I can tell you the story of speed. But yeah, I think that's pretty good. I would. Well, what do you think of that, Daniel?

I think I'm going to try doing the thing where I stop halfway through a story. Okay, and see what happens. And then see what happens. Does he tell you a lot of stories? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I would also maybe fight fire with fire. And the next time he tells you a story, just sit there blankly and then just start reorganizing the spoons. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah.

And just see what he does. Because if he's like... Because that's how you can maybe show someone empathy. So not show someone empathy, like force them, forcibly force them to empathize with you by putting them in your shoes and showing them how strange it looks. Because it does sound like he was just in a big family. He's not the most outgoing of that family. And...

he has picked up the pattern. It sounds like it's probably quite an innocent thing and you just need to show him how strange it can feel. And feels horrible. There's also a thing that we could do because I think this is interesting. I think fire with fire is interesting, but there's a fourth technique we can do. And that is if you go to a taping of a live studio show,

They have a sign that says laugh. They have a sign that says clap. And it's just telling a bunch of tourists who are a little overwhelmed that this is the funny part. Yeah.

This is where you're supposed to react here. You could have a sign that says, hey, Anthony, make a sound. And in the middle of your story, every once in a while, hold it up. Yeah. So that he goes, oh. And then you could have like buzzwords. Nod. Interesting nod. I go, breathe loud. I have one final question. Danielle, is he one of those people who after something funny is said, he just with a stone face goes, no.

That's hilarious. The worst. Fucking worst. No, no. He'll laugh at something funny. Okay, great. So then, okay. So he's not dead inside. No, he's not dead inside. He's in there. You just have to encourage him out via shame. So, Daniel, here's where we're at. Game play example. We can test him. Stop mid-story. You can movie plot him. You could shame him with fight fire with fire.

You could audience work him, have a sign that gives him cues to react. Danielle, the floor is yours. What are you actually going to do? The most likely thing I'll do is probably stop mid-story and see what happens. But I might try being silent if he's telling me something. Yeah, I like both of those options a lot. They can work together too. And I do love my husband very much. That is evident. And it sounds like he's a lovely man. Quiet. Quiet.

Yeah. That's better than too much. Believe me, I don't get that complaint in relationships. Boy, I wish you'd talk more. I wish I got quiet more. I know. Oh my God, I had a throat infection recently and I lost my voice and I couldn't speak for about two weeks. And James came into my room and he was like,

He was like, I thought I'd like this, but I actually didn't. And he was so surprised that it hurt my feelings. Different reaction from my wife. She literally will say, do you always have to be making sounds? And I won't be aware I'm making them.

And yet you're mad at me for my energetic dialogue. We hate most in others what we see in ourselves. Wow. Listen to you guys talking over each other. Thanks, Danielle. We missed our two shot. Bye, Danielle. Bye, Danielle. Good luck. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Hello. Are you laughing? And did you just say this is insane? I was laughing, yes. And did you say this is insane?

Yes, I also said that. Yes. Who are you talking to and what's insane? Please come back to it. We're here to help.

Oh, who am I laughing with? Oh, I'm laughing with my husband. And what was insane was how much my hand was shaking because I was nervous. Oh, but you've called in already, though. Because I was shaking. Yeah, I know, but I'm scared again. Okay, scared again is a good title for the follow-up. Can we get your name, and why don't you kind of reset us on what your first call was about and then where we're at now?

Okay. So my name, I gave you a fake name. My name that I gave you was Woody, but my real name is Jess. And I called about my friends Kleenex and snot. Oh yeah. She left a bunch of snot in the car. The snot rags were all over her car. Yeah, she did. She left a bunch of snot in the car. And what did we, your real name is Jess, you said? Yes. My real name is Jess. Okay. So Jess, what was our pitch on a Kleenex filled car? I couldn't remember what that solution was.

Your pitch was about hankies, which I thought was interesting, but we veered away from that and ended on a garbage can for her car. Right. That's pretty solid. Which she had already done before, but this time, yeah, it was solid. She had tried it before, but it kind of didn't really work. But this time, I bought her the garbage can and I wrote on it, Jam Jam says it's fucking vile about her Kleenex as a little bit of peer pressure from Jamila Jamil to clean up all her Kleenex.

Okay. What's up? So, yeah, so it's been going really well. Her car's been uncharacteristically clean, so I would call this one a success, guys. Hey! There we go. Ring the bell, Kevin. Ring the bell. We could use it. We got one. She has been watching me really closely. Like, if I scratch my nose or anything, she's just on me like a hawk. Like, are you going to wipe your nose on your sleeve or do you have a secret Kleenex somewhere? So she's been watching me and it's

It's allergy season, so it has been a little tricky. But the other day I said, I'm going to go in this store and just blow my nose really quickly. And she reached in her backseat and grabbed the biggest thing of Kleenexes. I was just like, here, take one. You can keep it in your purse. Like this girl is a changed woman. OK, because they're hypoallergenic. I don't know if you know that.

That's great. Kleenex are amazing. We love Kleenex over here. Not hyper allergenic. No, no, that's for the lunatic blowing their nose. That would be a true idiot who would say that in an ad. Only fools would call Kleenex while doing a Kleenex ad hyper allergenic. It'd be strange. But that's great. That's awesome.

Yeah, it went really well, guys. Thank you so much. Hey, it was like a real win. Also, there's no reason for a shaky hand for this follow up. Yeah, this is smooth sailing. Yes, we've done a couple today and this is the best one we've had by. This is a clear. This is calm, smooth hand. Here's the follow up. It worked. Problem solved. This is the premise of the show. We call in and pitches get fixes. Yeah,

Well, I've got a steady hand now. I'm happy. This is a big win. All our follow-ups have been losses. All we do in follow-ups is people go, okay, so we didn't follow anything. But the problem's worse. And now there's legal issues. And we go, hmm, very cool. You heard the disclaimer at the end, right? Listen to that again. The premise of this show is that it works sometimes. So this is smooth sailing. It does work.

Yes, you are a success story. Feel confident. We feel confident. This is a win. Please don't now say something where you go, well, the part I didn't tell you is blank. Yeah. Yeah. You have anything like someone because she was blowing her nose or something like that. Do you have an unfortunate turn on this story or is this just a happy one?

The only turn is that her car has also been really clean and smells good. So it's been momentous. It's been, it's been great. It's a new leaf. So what we like to say on this show is pitches get fixes, but snitches end up in ditches. Right. And we, and you might be curious as to how that's applicable to this call, but you know, some of it works and some of it doesn't. The point is we have solved your problem. And, uh, and,

And we're very glad, Woody Jess. So thank you for the call. Thank you for the follow-up. Thank you. Nice victory. Good win. Good win. Good win. Let's take this all as a big win. Oh, thank you. I hope my friends call me that now. Yeah. Woody Jess. Thank you so much. I'm so glad. And I'm glad to be Woody Jess now. Okay, good. Thank you. We appreciate you. Thank you, Garrett. Thank you. That's it. We're going out. We're getting out. We're getting out. We're getting out. We're getting out. I'm mad. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Love you guys. Thank you. Bye.

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Hello. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help.

Are you is this your first call or is this a follow up call? I'm a follow up. OK, I got that wrong. It's a betting man. Why don't you? It's a good thing you don't bet, Jake. And when you do it, you bet. Yeah. What? Why don't you tell us your name and what your first call was just to kind of set the foundation? So I'm one of the Emily's that called. I noticed that there's a lot of Emily's and I was a boot party girl.

Oh, right. Oh, DiStefano, we pitched on your big boob party. Yes, you were getting surgery and you wanted to have a real coming out party for those boobs.

Yeah, and it was actually a very interesting episode because everything we kept pitching, you kept being like, yeah, but I want to do more. Like we were pitching like a burial for your old boobs. There was a lot and you wanted to go bigger as you're prone to do. Yeah, my friends listened to that and they're like,

Yeah, I just don't think they knew who you were, Emily. They didn't understand who they were talking to. And so, Emily, now walk us through post-call what you did, what the party went, take your time with it.

Don't jump too far forward. I love all the details, please. Okay, so let's just say we had big ideas, right? We had big ideas and we had big plans. And I like to have big aspirations, but I don't always fully follow her with them. Sure. Because, okay, so we did have a party. Okay, so first I got the boobs done. Sure. Which I have to say, the best advice that I got from the podcast was actually from, what was his name? Chris. Gareth Reynolds. Okay, Chris.

Oh. No. Great laugh. The post-surgery advice? Yes. Top notch. Top notch. It was... Can't be missed. Okay. What did he say? I don't think we remember specifically what his advice was. He said keep everything like...

at a level where you can reach it because you can't reach up. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Solid. So I would have been hungry. So I got those puppies done and then came time to celebrate. And most everyone that I was inviting was like,

kind of out of town. So we went for more intimate settings. So I had a couple girlfriends come over and they kept, well, they tried to bring their husbands first of all, which was, I had to say no. And then I greeted them chest first. So they got to enter the house and take a look at the goods, assess them, tell me what they thought about them. When you say you greeted them chest first, how is

That, what is that? Just a hug. Just a hug. Oh, topless. Oh, wait, topless? Oh, I misread that entirely. Okay.

People came to your party and you just had no top on. Yeah, exactly. So you were happy with the outcome? Oh, everyone's happy with the outcome. Everyone. Polling's never been better. I digress. Okay, so then I bring my friends in and then we paint portraits of breasts. Fun. And then...

Yeah, it was a nice little idea. And then I brought my kid up from upstairs and I had her judge them, which was a little weird. How does she feel about them? She loves them too. These are the best boobs I've ever seen, Mom. These are wonderful. What a turnaround. Unbelievable boobs. You went from saggy zeros to heroes.

That's basically what she was in. Okay. No, she was into it because I decorated the whole place looked like boobs, like boob balloons, boob cookies. I missed an opportunity with melons for a fruit plate. I could have put two melons there. There's next time. But anyhow, so kind of a chill night. Okay. Okay.

But then, I don't know what ended up happening, but have you guys ever seen that show? It's like on Out TV. It's called like Naked Attraction. Yes, it's crazy. Okay, it's insane. So we spent 45 minutes trying to figure out how to watch it, and then we finally did figure it out, so we had to commit, and then we watched that show for like two hours, and that was- What is Naked Attraction? Really fast. We'll get back to this thing, but I like the title of that show. What is-

Okay, well, I mean, Gareth might have a better idea. Seems like he watches it a lot. But it's like naked people just come out. Well, no, you're behind the screen and then they'll show you like the bottom part and then they'll keep taking like a panel off until you see the person's face. And then you...

Judge who you want to go on a date with by their body, not their face. It's graphic. Really? Yes. It's like full on when the first panel is removed, you are seeing a penis or a vagina. Wait, really? Yeah. Just because I'm a man of science, what network streamer is this on? I'm just curious. I'm Mr. TV Guide. I'm Mr. TV Guide. I've seen it in England. Okay. I saw it on Outlander.

So out TV. It's crazy. And you basically like you start removing the face. The face is the last thing you see.

And that's after you pick who you want, right? Am I right? What an embarrassing turn. You pick somebody based off their crotch and then you see their face and you're like, I'm excited to get Chipotle. Yeah. Still I'm excited. Still I'm excited. Kind of. Yeah. It's weird. It's definitely a show I've watched and been like, eh, nope. Yeah.

But yeah, you're seeing some stuff. Are you allowed to talk while they look at your dick? No. You can't try to sell it? No, I can't. Now bring it up to the stage. I was just in a cold plunge. Yeah. Shut up. Okay. So Emily, do you have any picks from this evening? Anything that shows what the party's vibe was? But Jake, can we also say that- I made a video. Oh, I'd love to see the video. Yeah. Well, we pitched a tremendous amount of stuff.

And what ended up happening was she painted and then tried to get her TV working for a half hour and then watched two hours of each other. And Gareth, that's what I call a victory for us. We did it, baby. Okay, let's have a look. Actually, you know, I would say at least six people got to fill up the new boobs. So it is a victory. Sure. Absolutely. There's no audio, so we'll describe what we're seeing here. We don't need audio. We're seeing balloon boobs. Boobs, they look like eyeballs, but, you know, they're boobs. What?

There's a lot of them. A lot of balloon boobs. Yep, tons of them. One didn't have the nipple colored in.

Now we're looking at the food, which is tit cookies. Fun. We're here to help. Lots of boobs. Lots of boobs being painted. And I do think I saw a child. Pictures of boobs. More pictures of boobs. Pictures of boobs. You guys holding up your boob art. Clearly you've painted. And there you go. That's it.

And you didn't show us where you guys were trying to work with the HDMI cables, which we appreciate. Well, Emily, congratulations on the new breasts. I'm glad you're happy. The party seems like it was a lot of fun. You are now in a new world, and we appreciate you calling in. Yep. Go get them. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye.

Hey, everyone. This next chat with Jamila is an edited conversation. And if you'd like to hear the full thing, it's available on the Patreon. Maybe this line from Jake will entice you to check it out. Enjoy. Speaking of masturbating while sinking on the Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also read when you got The Good Place, you'd come out here to be a writer.

How's that transition? Because I've heard people like you and we've always been actors, comedians, improvisers. How do you jump from that and how hard is that transition? I was a radio DJ, right? Okay, so let's just be very clear. I was not a writer yet, nor was I. I was a columnist. That's what I would write. But I was not a screenwriter. I came out here with a show that I was working on. I got signed to Three Arts based on that show. Okay.

And then... And this was going to be... You were going to host it or was this... No, no, no. It's a sitcom that I still have been sitting on for years because I have an analysis paralysis. Like, I don't know what to do with it. But you came out with this product. But I just wrote it and presented it to someone and they sent me to 3Arts and 3Arts really liked the idea. And then...

The manager at the time was telling me that it's easier once you have a profile to get a show sold rather than coming from nowhere, from England, having never written anything before. No one's going to trust you to be at the helm of something like that. And then an audition came in for an annoying, overly tall Indian English woman. And it just felt quite obvious to my managers that that was me. Yeah.

And so they pushed me to do the audition. I didn't want to do the audition. I didn't think I was going to be an actor. I didn't think I was funny enough. You didn't want to do it because you thought it's just not for you. No, I just have such respect for acting. And I love movies and TV and comedy so much. So I was like, how dare I do this? Even think I could do this. And I went to the audition and I fucked everyone. And I got the job.

Good work. So you did have the high air. Welcome to my same path, a new girl. Yeah, yeah. It's the only way in. You're playing Schmitty? Yeah. Come on in. Yeah. Lamorne? Yeah. Come on in. And then they go, you know, other actors don't cast it. I'm like, you fucking rat. Coach has to do all that for nothing. Lamorne couldn't even cast it. No, Lamorne came on the show after you. Well, this doesn't even make sense. Well, now my decisions seem crazy. Now I know.

- I don't really have any transitions that are thoughtful. I've just been like jumping through life. I've just been running for my life. - Well now you really- - Is that I really have, like I was an English teacher who got scouted

and went to an audition and then got one of the biggest jobs in British television hosting the biggest teen youth programming. It was kind of like TRL but over the weekend. - From being an English teacher? - From being an English teacher. And like a model scout and I was like painting, decorating and worked in a video. I had so many jobs in that period in which I got introduced to the idea of media. I had never dreamed of being on TV. I'd never thought that was like a life for me. I only went to the audition because they had free sandwiches that were from

which was a very big deal 15 years ago. It still is. Yeah. But 15 years ago, that was, it was Soho House. Bougie. Yeah. So I never thought I would get anything. And so since I've been allowed in, I've compared this before on my podcast to being a wedding crasher and just like, I'm in here now. I'm just going to steal all the shit

that I can before someone recognizes me and throws me out. And so I've just been running for my life being like, sure, I'll try radio. Sure, I'll try writing this. Sure, I'll do this. Yeah, OK, I'll try acting. And now as the wedding crasher, you have to leave the wedding, which is never how you think it will go. Yeah, you're going to go fuck off. I know. I'm just well, I'm just taking a little break just to kind of recalibrate and write. I love the idea that a manager tells you the move to get your script through is to get famous because I

I think that advice came to me too, but the hard part was, you know, the part. I agree. That sounds like a great plan. They wanted to bring bigger writers on and I didn't want anyone else to touch the idea. So it was like, if you want the power to not have a bigger name, become the bigger name.

And I didn't know how I was going to do that. I thought maybe I'd do that by hosting because that's what I'd done in England. But then The Good Place came along and... Which you're great at. Yeah. Thank you. It's a great show. And how was that experience for you then with no acting experience? Because that's a killer cast. It was so intimidating. They are so fucking talented and funny. I had...

honestly, severe gas. And that's how I got through. Is that true? That is true. Because you went like this when you started talking about it? No, because I have like a somatic memory of it. It was incredibly intimidating. And obviously they are all such geniuses. And it was such a masterclass. But I had never been, you know, spent time in America before. I was straight off the boat from England and I had an English constitution. American food is made of

pure poison and evil. And so, but it's delicious. Just got to get used to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I hadn't gotten used to it yet and I was eating everything they had at craft services. Like I gained a minimum of 15 pounds every season. I would have to wear, I would have to wear all my clothes completely open at the back. Right. That's great. Like an apron, like a pinny. Right. And so it was just like, yeah, just arse out. Yeah.

So I could never do like running scenes from behind. I would just have to do everything mostly up front. So I was just farting. Really? The whole time. There are specific scenes in which I can see I'm farting. No one else can see it, but I can see. Sorry, your producer wants me to leave. What's a big scene that you remember? Okay, so I know the exact scene. It's season one. I'm walking in to...

you can play this actually when it's happening, but it's season one. I walk into my living room and Jianyu, my partner is there and he's made a painting of me and it's three me's in the painting and I'm supposed to walk in and have a big reaction to it. And I did, but I'm supposed to walk in just like one line, but I have to keep stopping and clenching.

And Mike Schur is like, stop stopping. Just like we don't have time. Just like just walk in a straight line up to the painting. And I was like, I just think for dramatic purposes, it would be more effective if I were to. Stop farting. Stop farting. And it's because Kristen Bell is so small that she's actually closer to my bum hole than I am. Well, yeah. You know, just like that's just science. So it's physics or something. But it's, you know, so she's there and I'm up here. So I'm like, it's going to hit.

her before it hits me and so at the very least I need to take that hit first and not like number one on call she can't get that she's an icon she's an icon I can't I can't fart now Kristen Bell so I just had to keep stopping they had to do like

105 takes until i finally was able to walk in um so that's one and the other one this is about the weirdest story sorry it's a great it's a great behind the scenes you know what it did what it did is smelled the place it meant that my fear was directed there to my bum rather than to my talent so i wasn't thinking about whether i was talented or not i was thinking did anyone

anyone smell that? It was completely brilliant because then it meant that I was totally, totally loose as an actor. I was so uninhibited in that role. I took so many shots that I would never have taken. Because you were... Yeah, because I wasn't thinking about it. I didn't overthink anything. So I think IBS

is underrated or whatever it was that happened to me. It was some sort of gastric issue. IVF is also a sponsor. Yeah, we'd love to have them too. We have them. Yeah, we have them. It's a really weird sponsor. It's super weird. The disease is a sponsor. But I think just have something worse going on and then you'll be able to act. You make 100% of the farts you do. Yes. Yeah, right. That's good. I love this.

That's great. And then did anyone know you were doing this on set? No, no, nobody. Okay, so this is a big reveal. Extraordinary. I mean, they heard about it sometimes. I think people thought I was quite unfriendly because I spent a lot of time away from the cast.

Is this real? Genuinely. Sometimes they would. But I was just standing back. Afraid you'd drag his head. Hold on. I would just stand back from the cast chair sometimes. I don't know what's real now. No, I'm serious. I would just hang back from the cast chair sometimes. They were like, oh, this British girl. We get it. You're proper. She's too good for us. And I was like, I'm. She shit her pants. That's why she's over there.

You're saying the reason you didn't socialize with the cast? Just season one. And then I got... Okay, you did. I... What do you call it when you...

Calibrate. Oh, you calibrated. Oh, okay. Sorry. Calibrated. Like, you know, I adjusted to American food and I was fine. Okay. Right. I will never look at the shy cast member the same way. Yeah. Just know that the whole of season one, my asshole's open. Just know that. Anyone who's watching it. So anybody check out The Good Place season one and you've got some fun behind the scenes. Yeah. If I look like I'm really intense, it's not talent. No. And lastly, before we let you go. I can't imagine if that's the last thing I talk about.

talk about before I leave well it's just like you to drop something like that and take off I don't feel like I've aged since I've been here because

Because I'm so full of preservatives. I'm not sure that I'm going to decompose when I die. Well, let's see what happens in eight months when you come back and be like a nine-year-old lady and go, I'll take the work now. And we go, too late. Were there any scripts that were sent our way? What the fuck happened? Where was that babe who left eight months ago farting up a store? We need to get her farting. Fill her up. God, I think that's the key to my talent.

This is quite a revelation. It's sad. It's the key to America. Gas. Gas. Yeah. We appreciate you coming on the show. Oh, I had such a nice time. It's really nice to meet you. Sorry for everything that I said. No, you were great. Good luck on the road. We'll see you back in three months. See you then. Yep. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.