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Gareth and Kevin. Jake, Kevin, we are back. Here we go. Well, Kevin, first, your lovely wife. Thank you. We just got an email last night. She's creating more merch. Kevin, the floor is yours.
New merch comes out on Monday. We have a couple of very new, exciting items. Leah's been cooking up for the last few months, and we all looked at them last night and gave her the thumbs up, so keep an eye out for that on Monday. And I saw Gareth. Gareth is in a fight with somebody in his hotel room, and he didn't want us to see. Yeah, you went like this. No.
No, because, man, okay, yeah, so I'm in Chattanooga, and I put the privacy thing on, and the maid just walked in with bold confidence. And to see this set up is, you know, not great. Wait, with the privacy up?
It's a button and I hit the privacy. The privacy button is on. But but it wasn't it wasn't on the door handle thing. But yes. And sometimes, first of all, those things don't stick on doors well, but also sometimes with the privacy button, I think it resets at a certain point during the day because I had recently a maid walk in when I was so embarrassing. Naked yoga. Wait, is that a true story? Swear to God.
Put some underpants on. Kevin, can we send them some me undies? Yes. They hadn't arrived yet.
Why would you do nude yoga in a hotel room? Because you're alone. It's because it's your own little... I'm not going to get into it. In my room, I'm like Martin Sheen at the beginning of Apocalypse Now. It's not okay. But is that true? Just about true nudity? Yeah, you just... Are you on the floor? A towel. Oh, a towel. Okay. There's a towel. There's a divider. That makes more sense. Okay. That on the carpet in a hotel room with the sweat? No, no.
That is gnarly stuff, my king. But it was still bad. It's pretty gross. So my hand gesture was very like, please no. Yeah. I'll tell you what's really changed hotels for me, and I haven't shook it, is I saw some video where they did a blue light. And the amount of semen.
on like the bed covers. I was like, and mind you, they might've heightened it for whatever stupid thing I was watching at five in the morning when I was going through like a weird phase. But now every time I go in there, I'm like, now I got to think of like some random comedian doing naked yoga. And I'm like, what have you guys done in these random rooms? That's,
not but if but you but yoga but you Gareth if it's one person then you got to assume it's thousands of people I'm not assuming it's you I'm assuming it's the semen on everything is this is nasty and we have a caller in the waiting room so talk about our guests sorry so we have Derek Waters is coming in today Derek Waters is one of my closest buddies I love the guy he is the creator of drunk history he
He is an unthinkably funny dude. We were in the same group when we were first coming up in LA together, and I love him. He's hilarious. I think you guys are going to love these calls. And Garf?
I would say watch Drunk History if you haven't, and without, further. No, we also have Luca Jones coming on, who is also incredible. He's really funny. He does a call with us. This was earlier, so we didn't do interviews with people, but we got some really funny calls, and that's why we put them together. And I think you're going to really enjoy it. And without, further. Further. I do. I do.
Hey everyone, producer Kevin. We look at a few pictures once again throughout this episode. So if you'd like to see exactly where those pictures are in the video, just click on the link in the description and it will take you right to the images we looked at. Enjoy the episode. Hi. Hi, how you doing? Hi.
I'm good. How are you? I'm doing great. I have a very old friend with us. And that old friend is not just Gareth Reynolds. Hello. It is the creator of Drunk History.
It is the guy who helped launch my goddamn career, as well as probably like 30 people. Yes. Many friends of show. It is the many friends of show. It is what we used to call this the man with the spider web, because I used to be able to go to an audition and say, and I told you this, but I'd say out loud, hey, you know, Derek Waters and about three heads would pop up. It is Mr. Derek Waters.
Hey, how are you doing? Yes, I'm good. Nice to meet you guys. Yeah, so this will be a special one for me and the show. I love you, buddy. Love you. Thank you. So, Derek, I love you guys, too. I love you. Thank you. I love you, Derek. I love you, Derek. I like you a lot. Hey, everybody.
Kevin, I love you, man. Derek, I love you. Jake, love you back. I like you so much, man. I've got a lot of affection for you. All right, man. I'm just not ready for love. Love you, Kevin. It's only been 20 years. Okay, that's crazy. It's a crazy thing. I love you, Garrett. Oh, weirdo. What a creep. Just do a call for God's sake, would you? You can't get this asshole affection. Disgusting. Derek wants a little... Our first...
Guess yeah smart our first guest to ask for a pen and paper and so can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm Maddie Maddie. I'm Maddie and with a D or T D at Maddie How old are you Maddie? I'm 19. Oh, you're just a friggin kid. Yeah, you haven't even started this game Yeah, okay, and where are you calling from my mother's womb? Oh, you said New York. Oh
Yeah, but I live in Florida. Like, I'm just here for school. What school are you going to in New York? I go to Stony Brook in Long Island. Oh, nice. And where are you from in Florida? Gainesville. Gainesville. Tom Petty. Is that where he's from? Yeah. So you're from Florida, and what are you studying in New York? I'm doing marine biology. Wow. And what do you want to do with your degree? You want to look at whales? Easy, Jake. That's a good question. Jake, very familiar with the ocean, obviously.
Just really flexing that muscle. What do you want to do? Look at whales? What do you got? So let me tell you this. Watch out for the sharks. I know everything about the ocean. You know, a lot of those fish can't breathe on land. So Maddie from Florida, living in New York, studying whales from Gainesville. What can we do for you today? Yeah. So my mom won't stop buying tarantulas and like other. Okay.
Because it turned out I got one.
I got one as a pet, and I was excited about it. I love this show. Maddie, I'm sorry. Maddie, just give us a second, because you really did just fire off a fucking banger. And you're moving on real fast, because when someone says my mom won't stop buying tarantulas, it makes me feel like I'm watching a Jerry Springer episode, and I just turned on the channel, and that's what's at the bottom. You know what it actually does? It brings me happiness.
It's such a great problem. We just found a treasure chest and I'm so excited to open it. And I think that's why I love the collars and the base for this show is because you guys are as much lunatics as we are. Yes. All right. So this is happening to you, Maddie. How old were you when you first got your first tarantula? Yeah. I think it was like two years ago. So like 17. Okay.
Okay, so you're 17. But that was the first family tarantula. How do we normalize the word tarantula one minute in? What was the tarantula's name, Matty? Yeah, your first tarantula. Can we get a name, Matty? Hold on. In post, John, will you do this? Every time the word tarantula is mentioned, would you do a counter? A tarantula counter. Absolutely. So really quick question. At 17, what inspired you to get a tarantula?
Honestly, I watched a video and I thought that they were cool and they would be a fun pet. They are cool. And how long do tarantulas live? Is the first one still alive? Are these like turtles? Yeah, so the boys live like five, six years, but part of the problem is the females live like 30. That is a problem. What a great little system the female tarantulas have. They've got it figured out. They're also very fragile. If you drop them, they'll break.
That is true. Wait, is this true? Yeah. Not shatter, but you'll scale them if you drop them. Right, okay. Shatter would be great. Jesus. Is that a glass? It's my vase. It's a spider. Careful, don't walk here barefoot. I dropped a spider. Aren't spiders whole thing is that they like go on a little string and go down? Yeah. You can't be like, ooh, I'm coming to scare you. Well, why do you think...
broken that's why they have the string they say otherwise yeah yeah so there's ceramic female tarantula lives for 30 years the boys are five six it seems like a fair split and so is the one you got at 17 are we talking about a boy or a girl oh that's a girl oh so you're on year two you got 28 more years what's her name uh responsibility well i'm naming
I named him Finn before I realized it was a girl, and then I never changed it. Finn. Finn's a cool name. So one day your kids are going to be taking care of Finn, okay? And then what happens after that? Your mom sees Finn, picks it up, realizes it's cool, and wants to buy one?
Um, kind of. Cause you can't let Span neuter tarantulas, right? I can. Let me know if you need me. But would that be an issue if you got a boy and a girl? Cause you have a bunch of baby tarantulas. Well, they all stay separate cause they would eat each other. I got you. They fight. Okay. So keep going. So then you got Finn. The family thinks Finn is cool. Then talk to us about mom.
So she has like a prescription for Ambien and whenever she takes it, she shops online just about whatever we were talking about. So she just ordered a bunch of tarantulas. Maddie, when did this start?
This starts like maybe three months after we got done. Okay, so two years, three months. No, one year, nine months. Okay. You added, you need to subtract. Can I just say, has anything tragic happened in your family in that time?
That's interesting. Was there a big trauma? Is she filling the void of her grandpa dying with tarantulas? She's trying to fill the hole inside with a thousand tarantulas. We all watch horrors. We all watch intervention. We know where it starts. Is this a, the music goes like. Mom didn't hug her. Now she has 800 tarantulas. You've heard it a million times, Maddie. It's a very relatable issue. So really quick, Maddie, can we get some backstory on mom?
Sure. Is mom with dad? Where's mom at? Yeah, she's with my dad. How's mom and dad? How's that relationship? Has it been under any strain since you started throwing tarantulas into the relationship? Yeah, does daddy like those spiders? No, they're good. They both like the tarantulas. It takes forever to feed them because you have to individually feed them. So they make cute little baits out of it. Oh, wait. Hold on. So are you the youngest? I am. Maddie.
And can we get a home? Guys, you missed the you have siblings. No, she's the younger. I have an older brother. Right. Now they're the baby house. Mom gets a bunch of tarantulas. She needs to feed. This one's named Maddie, too. Yeah. And their responsibilities. They last about 30 years. You know what you think in 2024 when you have a baby? Well, I'll be paying this for about 30 years. Right. Because it used to be college. Now it's about the length of a female tarantula. Yeah.
Well, what do you think of that theory, Matty? Is mom trying to hold on to you and your youth by buying tarantulas on Ambien? Are you 10 tarantulas? And let's not overlook the Ambien detail. I know. It's a delightful twist that I never heard in the Ambien disclaimer in the commercial. May buy tarantulas. Ha ha ha!
Diarrhea, comma, dizziness, comma. Do not operate machinery while on Ambien. Do not try to buy tarantulas. You will buy spiders. Do not buy tarantulas. Don't buy tarantulas. All right, Matty, we're back to you.
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's been a problem before. At one point, she ordered plants, and they were coming to our house for like six months. Yeah, but different. Okay, so mom just takes sleeping pills, drips out, and buys weird shit. So now one thing we got. Yeah, so now one thing we got. We got a little backstory on mom. We know a little bit about Maddie. We know emotionally what it could be, possibly. Now, the question I think we need to know is how many trans flows does mom have? Yeah, I'm excited. I haven't counted, but I think we're around 25.
Oh my God. You haven't counted. Maddie, is this real life?
Yes, 100%. I'm going to need you before we're going to take a little moment. And when Derek first walked in today, what did you say, Derek? About the validity of callers. How many are real? Or how can you tell if they're real? And so then I said, well, what we'll do at a moment that's crazy is, and this is what I'm going to ask you, Matty. Will you, next time you're at your mother's house, and it'll be before we air this, will you send a photo of the tarantulas? With your face in it.
Yes. But so that we can post during the video of this on YouTube at this moment, the photo of all the tarantulas, we will know the facts. If that photo never comes, but this one feels very real. This feels very real. I'm not questioning this at all. I don't either. But that'll be part of this, so you will see the tarantulas. So mom has roughly 15 to 30 tarantulas.
Correct? Let's call it 30 tarantulas. Okay, all right. Where are they housed? What are we putting? Do they have a room? Individual cages. Individual cages. Yeah, individual cages in my parents' room, like on shelves. In your parents' room. This is incredible. Do they have friends that come over? Do they know? Les? They know. We have...
We have some friends who won't go into the rooms with the spiders in them. What's the trepidation all about? Wait, so now let's get, so now we're all set up. Yes. Maddie, what is the question for the call? I guess it's just like, how do I make sure she doesn't buy more and in any ideal world, maybe like rehome some of them so I don't have to deal with them in 20 years. It is a great, I'm still absorbing the problem. The problem of your mother being a tarantaholic is,
is very difficult to process. But here we are. So we're talking about how do we stop further tarantula purchases and how do we probably get rid of some of the tarantulas? Yes. Yeah, because she's really attached to them too. Of course she is. But she's attached to them. So what does she like? She's like holding them and I mean, there's 30.
So she's taking them out. She's holding them. Your father's also holding them. They're probably in that. They might be in the room tarantula banging. I don't want to take it to a gross place. I'm going to throw this out. Yeah, go ahead. Maddie, you know, a lot of things happen when people go to college. They find themselves. They learn things about themselves. There is a couple people in the past that have gone to college and come back with arachnophobia. Ooh, I like that. Ooh.
be diagnosed with arachnophobia and say you can't come into the house anymore because i'll tell you what mom wants more than 30 tarantulas maddie 30 maddie at least one is that possible she would rather get rid of 30 tarantulas for one maddie 30 maddie's is a great pitch we might not be able to achieve she wants 30 but i think that is an excellent starting pitch maddie and that is
You are feeling afraid. So when you go home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer, you go, there's so many tarantulas, mom, that I don't feel comfortable being in the house. I'm going to go to a fucking Holiday Inn Express and she'll go.
No, not the one off the highway. You're engaged. I feel safer in that neighborhood where they're literally smoking crack than being around 30 tarantulas. I like that. And if you wanted to even. OK, let's say that doesn't work. I like that as a starting point. Right. What else you got? You fake a bite.
And that pushes, that forces the hand a little bit more into the rehousing. Or that starts it. So you fake a bite with your, do you have yours in New York with you or are they all in Florida? They're all in Florida. Okay. You got to do it there. You fake a bite and then you say, now I'm afraid. Okay.
God, it's just, their room sounds like where Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie banged. Yeah. It really is. What is the aesthetic of the room? Is it like a regular parent's bedroom with 30 tarantulas? I know it's not tarantula themed. They don't have like misters. No, but are there like, you know what I mean? Is there like a black light? Do they have a strobe? It's not like in an aquarium when you look at the penguins and you're like, you don't hear like, whoop, whoop, whoop.
I'm not suggesting you have a zoo. They're not doing that shit. And if they are, I've never had a bigger boner in my life. Do they have vials of each other's blood around their necks? If I could go on a one-night stand with a woman and go home with her, and we walk into a room and there are 30 tarantulas, dim lights, steamers, smoke machines, monkey sounds, and you go like, what?
the fuck and she goes like let me slip into something more comfortable i've never been more turned on in my life i definitely am not leaving no i'm like this is incredible i feel like i'm literally in the fucking jungle now what if she says to you she while you bang she wants to put a tarantula on your back for it okay all right just curious where your line is even if she says should i take one out past the truth is i wouldn't go in that bedroom because i'm a sissy maddie that was a fake thing for the podcast i'm scared i'm afraid of spiders
Maddie, Maddie. So we've got a fake a bite fear of spiders in that world. What do you think would really happen with your mom? I don't know if she would believe it because I'm kind of the one who pushed for the spiders in the first place. Okay. Okay. I don't think you're wrong. So I've got a question for you. What about having a heart to heart with your mom about her tarantula addiction?
Oh, yeah, like an intervention? An intervention. And going, look, honey, we all love tarantulas. How many are you going to have in this fucking house? You going to have 500 tarantulas? They live for 30 years. What is the end is a very fair question. And it is fair to say. What's going on? I would think three tarantulas is a lot of tarantulas. It is. Yeah, and then you go, some would say 10 tarantulas is too many tarantulas. You're talking about 30? And you go, mom, when does it end?
and get her actual sober response. Also, let me ask you this first. Do you think dad likes this or dad is tolerating this? Tolerating. Probably closer to tolerating, yeah. So why don't you get dad on your side for this intervention then? He's not going to want to stand up against the woman who just bought 30 tarantulas. What do you think, Randy? Does he have...
I don't know. I can maybe get my brother on my team. Okay. I would go. I think dad would do one of these. Hey, you know, the reality is I think she's happy with her tarantulas. So let's not talk about the tarantulas. Let's talk about anything. House in New York. And you'd go, dad, you live in a house of 30 tarantulas. And he goes, hey, it could be worse. How? It could be 50 tarantulas. Which there will be, by the way. Your wife, what could be worse? How could it be worse? Your mom could leave me.
I'd rather live with tarantulas than live alone. Maddie, can I ask you, has your mom, when you like, mom, what is at the front porch? Is she like, yeah, is she embarrassed at all? Because I'm thinking maybe you have in your glove box
If these don't work, you go to Ambien and you say that that's an issue. Yeah, yeah, because that is the issue. If Charlie Sheen called it the devil's drug, I agree. It is awful.
What if we went to Ambien and said, like, you're creating a bad situation? This is a lawsuit. What if this shuts down Ambien? What if this got rid of Ambien? So, Matty, I think where we're kind of leaning is go to your brother and
and have a come-to-Jesus moment with your mom about these spiders because she's obviously got a hoarding issue. And I've got to say, like, I can make some calls to people at A&E. We could have a camera crew there by, honestly, Monday morning. Tarantula hoarders? That's the best episode of hoarders I've ever seen. Yeah. What if now we try to convince Maddie to keep them so we can make a show? How about you do it? I've got a question for you. So, Maddie, here's something you could do. Here's a pitch.
You could post online in Craigslist Gainesville, free tarantulas. Oh boy. Must prove that you're going to be a loving home. So it's like, you know, you have puppies, but people,
But people want tarantulas. Free tarantulas in Gainesville, Craiglist. I mean, that's every day. It's like get in line. Yeah, yeah. But if there's not one, it's a hot market. When everybody thinks Gainesville, you think reptiles or tarantulas, right? So I bet you could get some interest. And then what I would say to mom is you go, hey, mom, what's the end goal with tarantulas? And I'll tell you what she's going to say. And I'm 75% confident she's going to go, oh, I mean, I don't want 30.
I already have too many. And she goes, I just, I feel so sad. And you go, well, I found 18 people who are willing to take them. And then you'll only have 12. And she'll go, well, what?
You just said you have too many. So I have found homes. These are the people. This is the situation. They're all coming today at 6 p.m. to get their tarantulas. Then you can have 12 and you never buy another one. Is that good, mom? That sounds pretty fair. Then your mom's going to have to say, I miss you! When you moved out, my life ended!
New York's changed you. And why'd you have to go so far? I want to know. I'm going to take a sleeping pill and buy 40 tarantulas. What do you think? What number of tarantulas would you be comfortable with, Maddie? I don't know. Maybe like 10 and under. I don't know.
Ideally. I think Jake's pitch kind of works into that a little bit. What you could also do is you could also donate. I bet you could find an insect place, obviously, in Gainesville. Or schools. If you found a place that will take 20 in, like an insect place, you could maybe have an insect
area named after your mother as an homage that would make her feel included and special yeah so in honor of yes uh your mother these have been donated to blank yes now i don't know if there's a hot market for tarantulas because they're probably easy to make they're not like you know they're not like panda bears where does your mom buy them from great question um
There's a guy named Jeff with a G-E-O-S. She doesn't even know. Jeff, uh...
Some guy, he's like, man, every night at 3 a.m., I get about five orders. Hey, honey, Linda just bought three more tarantulas. Give them to the girls. Waking up the next day, going to your email and being like, oh, God, Troy, I just bought four more tarantulas last night. I don't even remember it. So, Maddie, what do you think about looking on Craigslist? What do you think about looking at different...
insect places or whatever schools or any place that would take them even a place that might take them and dissect them science stop it um anywhere that you could unload these you do the legwork you and your brother go to mom and say mom i think you got a problem and we have a solution and we gotta stop buying friggin tarantulas is that something you might try
Yeah, I think finding somewhere if I could like donate them, that would be cool. But I think you have to do the homework on that and it's got to be local. I don't know if they have tarantula,
you know what are they called where like i don't know all like beagles that don't have homes they all go to like a beagle whatever yeah like a yeah rescue a beagle rescue if they have tarantula rescues if not we got a show sanctuary was a sanctuary is what i was looking for but you could also look for like tarantula uh sanctuaries i'm sure they would also have some reptiles down there they have some weird lizards and some like dragon with three legs
So I would look in that direction. And then you got to confront mom because this shit's going to get out of control. She's going to keep doing it. Yeah. And the idea of having a thousand tarantulas, honestly, pretty soon what's going to happen is the Gainesville police are going to go to your house. Because if I'm a neighbor and I know some weird lady has 50 tarantulas,
And I talked to her and she's all fucking knocked out on Ambien. I'm calling the police. Yeah. I'm calling the goddamn police. She is not shooting straight. Her eyes are all fucking fuzzy. She's in a gown outside. She's got tarantula eyes. Yeah. And I go like this. I'm telling my wife that fucking weirdo's got about a thousand tarantulas in that house. I'm having it knocked down. Yeah. So Maddie, you're doing this because you love your mom. We got to get rid of those tarantulas. Yep.
I can't wait to see the tarantula counter. The fact that we've said tarantula so many times that we're not even laughing anymore. But I mean, it's really just jumped into our verbiage. Maddie, we appreciate the call. Good luck. Good luck with these tarantulas. Yeah. Thank you. Seriously, Maddie. Good luck at school. Yeah, good luck at school. Stay focused. Appreciate it. Thanks, buddy. Great call. Bye. Bye.
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This is wild. I'm a teacher on my lunch break and I feel like I'm a kid skipping school. Yes. Smoke a cigarette. Yeah. Throw a rock through a window. Jake, easy. I'm going back to my school days. Can we, so before we start, I used to throw rocks through windows. Yes.
A lot of them. I got in big trouble, too. I wonder why. It was awesome. Are you proud upon that at school? It was awesome to hear the fucking crack. Yeah, sure. It was satisfying, man. Felt like you were doing something, man. Sure. We've got a special guest on today, the creator of one of my favorite shows. Yes. Of all time, actually. That was created in the Rowena apartment, 3120 Rowena Avenue, getting drunk together.
Me telling you an Otis Redding story. Me thinking I was blowing your mind. And the next day you're saying, hey, can I come over and have Jeremy Conner and we'll film you telling that story? That is such a great origin story for a show that did so well, too. For it to just be...
For you to be drunk talking bullshit and for Derek to be like, this is perfect. And then I said, why do you want me drunk retelling it? And he goes, because I want to have actors reenact it. And then I want Otis Redding to be behind you and say, what were you saying? Then you just shake his head like, this never happened. And that was the beginning of drunk history. You've got the great Derek Waters on the call. Hey, hey, hey. What?
- Thank you for being a teacher. Thank you for being a teacher. - And in many ways, Derek, you were a teacher. - Oh, thank you. - Spreading knowledge in a different way. - So can we get your name please?
Yeah, I'm Sarah and I'm calling from Seattle. You are Sarah calling from Seattle? Yep, that's it. And you are a teacher and what age group do you teach? I teach high school English. Oh, can you show them an episode of Drunk History? Yes, it's related to English. What was the most English? Do you have like great writers on that you can get in the history of somebody?
I'm sure you did something on Faulkner. You did something on Hemingway. I bet you did all those guys. I don't remember. Yeah. Eric was drinking very good too. Yeah. All right, Sarah. We did Shakespeare. There you go. Show them the Shakespeare episode. Will you show them, please, would you show that class an episode of Drunk History Shakespeare so that you can be the coolest teacher of all time? Because it is history. It is. I would love to. And then when I get fired...
I can call back and you can help me find a job. Jake will come to Seattle and we'll throw rocks through the windows. So what is the problem? What can we try to help you with?
Yeah, so it's book related. You got the three right guys for that. Combined, we've read eight. Congratulations. Yeah, my nickname is Audible. Yeah. And how do you spell reading, Sarah? Ready? And Seattle and book and related. Because this is chicken scratch. Yeah.
Okay, so it is book related. This might be more up your alley because the problem I have is someone in my neighborhood keeps taking books from the free little library and ripping them up.
Oh, what the fuck? What a piece of shit. Specific books or just random? Yeah, great question. Might be political. Yeah, I wondered that too, but so far there's no pattern. It's like any and every book. It's a nutter. Not a raccoon? No.
I don't think so. No, I knew. But I'm also wondering if it could be a raccoon getting in there. I don't think a raccoon's jumping into that library, opening up the door. Have you seen them? Yeah. The little bears. Trash pandas. Love them. I do love them. They are the funniest of all animals. They're fantastic. They're very funny. Not with rabies. Agreed. I'll take them with or without. We've got a generational raccoons by my house.
and they come and eat our outdoor cats food and i've had so many standoffs with me three raccoons where they're standing up and i'm doing the yeah yeah and then realize you motherfuckers aren't afraid i love i've changed my tone they also can't see you well they can hear i mean i'm right in front of them okay they can also sense the other thing they hate is water so what you do water guns
water very smart this is can we film this i mean it sounds like this could be some great content for the show or just for us to enjoy called fuck you raccoon jake out there trying to get rid of raccoons by shouting at them and then using water guns yeah yeah but this is only after i drink a lot now we're back to you sir sarah so these book we're we're we're in the neighborhood are these books how like are how high is it uh you're you're leaning into the raccoon i just want to know let's
who i want to take out as a kid i want to see that it's too high for a kid like could it be a teenager just trying to be funny is it one of those because we have some in our neighborhood is it one of those like little poles that kind of goes about four feet high and then the top is a little box with a glass door and you open it and there's a cute sign that says like neighborhood library is it one of those yeah yeah it's exactly one of those and it's
Not mine. It's at the end of our block. So it belongs to one of our neighbors. But it's just like that. A little pole with like a little house, little box thing. And how are you being notified? She's just going up and seeing the books ripped up. Well...
Whoever is doing it is not just ripping up the books, but then they kind of sprinkle the pages along the sidewalk. Yeah. True piece of shit. Son of Sam. True piece of shit. So I got my first pitch. Okay, go. Oh, okay. Uh,
You're going to have to go a little bit backwards financially to go forward and catch this creep and humiliate him. He's pitching. I also have a similar version. Go ahead. Ring camera. Yeah. I was going to say, even though... Put a camera in there. And then you get the images of his fucking dorky face reaching in, and you post them all over on every corner, the black and white photos. Especially around the free library. And you say, wanted this fool to stop ripping books, you...
Red or alive. Red or alive, Derek. Thank you, Derek. Jake was going to gloss over that. Thank you, Derek. I know. I had to stop him. But also, Sarah, I think out of this picture, you make...
him the cover of a book. Oh! And he sees his own image. And I like the idea of making the book, like a cover with this person's image on it called whatever the boy who tore the books. Because if he rips that up, it is a real serial killer. Yes. So he can rip up his own face. In terms of paying for this camera, as a teacher, your thoughts are probably not, I want to spend about $200 on this camera. Yeah, I love buying my own supplies. You could go around to every...
every neighbor and say, this is what I want to do. It is a wireless thing that we charge. Well, I'm willing to charge it and come back. We're only leaving it up at night. Can everybody pitch in? And if everybody on the street spends $10, then we could have this and we could fix this problem. And I bet everybody will get really excited about it. It will be comedically community building unless you get to the one house where somebody goes,
Huh? Someone's ripping up books? No, the other way is you realize it might be a neighborhood mom or dad who's just a weirdo. Yeah. Yeah, I used to be a detective. Well, that's kind of my worry right now is because I'm starting to be distressing all my neighbors. Like, I was at the little library yesterday and someone across the street said, anything good in there? And I was like, why do you want to know? What?
why so you can rip it up and throw it everywhere now i feel like i some community building might be good i'm starting to like go the opposite direction and i don't want that derek sarah um no derek you said you used to be a detective i used to not anymore but i'm just gonna ask some power questions here we used to do in the force get ready um who owns this house that uh has the library
um oh you don't even know their names like are they a married couple is a single man or woman i i don't know them personally i don't know their names but it's an older an older woman kind of like a grandma level but she's a little reclusive i'm afraid she's like beautiful library hold on sarah i'm detective uh colombo's got something i'm just afraid of um
let's just call her grandma, might be regretting putting the library in her front lawn and does not know how to get rid of it. So Derek's giving you a profile. This is the Agatha Christie. Her and a raccoon.
This is the wildest spin you can imagine. Well, I wasn't loving the pitch until I heard that the raccoon and her are in cahoots. And now I'm actually... No, I just think she doesn't know how to say, like, you know what? It was fun for a year. Yeah. But since Lawrence passed away... She could take it down. Yeah, but the raccoon doesn't communicate like that. I mean, come back to Earth, Jay. Derek's pitch is...
an older woman put it up once and gone, rather than just take it down, she rips up the pages and scatters them all throughout the neighborhood? - She needs excitement, Jake. - I just wanna be told I'm wrong. I wanna take that out of the equation. - Jake, you got that? Okay. - So this neighbor that said, "Find anything good in there," tell us a little more about this.
This is why we spend too much money on detectives. I've always said that. Too much money on detectives walking around asking questions that are not getting us to the end. So let me ask you another question. What's the best donut in the area? Do you have any good sandwich? This neighbor that said, find anything good in there. What did he or she say?
Yeah, he said anything good in there. And I will admit I've never seen this neighbor before. Interesting. Thank you. Was he in a cat burglar outfit or something like that? Did he have a bandit mask on? Is that the guy that has the fuck books necktie? Yeah. What does that have to do with anything? Yeah, he has a tattoo that says, I hate books and I rip them off. Wait a minute. We're trying to get to the end here. Enough. Yeah.
So, all right, Sarah, hold on. I got to get us near. I don't know how much of a, I don't know if there's a better version than trying to give her a camera. I agree. I just, I don't know what else you could do. There's like other weird things. But,
But that one is the best A to B. You need to catch this person doing the act. And most likely it is at night or at weird times. Do you know what time? Any idea what time this happens has to be at night, right? She can't know because she's at work during the day. Who's watching a fucking book? Go ahead.
It's usually on like a Thursday or Friday by the time I get home from work. So I don't know if it's happening at night or in the afternoon. Okay, but it's end of week. Someone's grabbing a book and ripping it up. We're going to try to get you. Listen, I think let us see if we can possibly get you a camera somehow. If we can, I think you do the Jake community level organization. Yeah, I do too. I also think after that, you could kind of, if you wanted to get real weird and pull some stakeout shifts.
And a few people could order some pizzas, grow some mustaches. Let me finish. Grow some mustaches. You let the wife and the kids know you're gone for a little while, and you're watching this. Look, I love a fucking big pile of red pistachios, too, but she's a teacher. I know. That's why you got a community. There's a community. Sarah can't walk around to a bunch of people and say, hey, want to do a stakeout with me? I wouldn't get too crazy with the community. Hopefully, we can do the camera because everyone's a suspect. Yeah.
You know what we could do on our show? Hell, I think she might have done it. Why don't we also... It's the perfect cover to call in a show and be like, hey, there's someone ripping up books for his... God damn it, Sarah. Where were you the night... the last time the books were ripped up?
I'm sorry. Sorry, Sarah. Sorry. I've had two big coffees and no food. I'm sorry, Sarah. You're just excited that Derek's here. I'm having a good time. Your tone is all over the place. I'm having a good time. You're auditioning for Drunk History 2. It's still in production. It's over. It's not over. He's got a new show. He needs a new face.
on the show. Jake, you had a good run. Let some of the next generation get involved. I mean, you're younger than you. I'm a kid. After that monologue, you're going to go, if you think that's funny, imagine me drunk talking history. Derek, remind me to tell you this story I have about Einstein. It's fucking hilarious. You see how wild I was with my weird pitch on that show? What if I get Derek out to drinks and I tell him the Otis Redding story?
So, Sarah, I think in closing, here's where we're at in reality. I think you've got to do the camera. I think there's a world where I would start going around to the neighbor, seeing if you could just raise stuff. I don't think this stuff is too expensive. You should get the cheapest of the cheap. And you get one that's motion censored. So once it opens, it goes on. I bet you can find one of these on Amazon for under $100. I mean, the show could do it.
Yeah. I mean, we could do it. Do you want to just buy her a thing? I mean, it's the way that I hope everyone is suspect and then we could actually get. So here's what we're going to look into. Give us a week.
We are going to try to find a sponsor to do it. If they're not, then we will send you something that you can put in there and we can try to get to the bottom. Does that sound right? That's amazing. Thank you. You're welcome. And as a businessman, I fucking hate my partner. Sarah, more than anything, I'm playing a fucking. Sarah, what I just did was you should have seen part like Jake's eyes died a little bit when I.
Just an out of pocket. He goes like this. Well, why don't we spend all the rocket money money? Hey, rocket money. Right? Yeah. Hey,
Hey, Sarah, we're going to help you get to the bottom of this. We're going to catch this son of a bitch. And when we catch that son of a bitch, we're going to put him on this show. Absolutely. Derek? Oh, that'd be awesome, yes. And we'll print books with his picture. If we're going to print the books, well, you're going to print the books. And no, Gareth, we're not paying for that. And we've spent enough. We're not made of money, Sarah. We're a podcast, not a syndicated TV show. Does your school need any laptops or iPads? Because I guess we can just do that. Well, yeah. If this is buying back some of the karma from all the windows you broke back
Thank you so much for the call. Bye, Sarah. Thank you. And we're also brought to you by Babbel. Jake, we've talked about this before. Babbel is the science backed language learning app that actually works, saves you money. You don't need to hire a tutor. It's 10 minute lessons handcrafted by 200 language experts, helps you speak another language. So
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Hello. Hello. Hi. We're I speak for all of us in that we're great. And that's not just Jake and I, but also our guest for this call. Luca Jones. Luca Jones. Jump. I like you. You want to intro yourself? Yeah. Take the reins. I.
I'm Luca Jones. What's your name? All right, great. Luca's got it. What is your name? What is your age? And where are you calling from? By the way, we might have to start a lot of episodes with I'm Luca Jones. What is your name? I'm Luca Jones. What is your name?
All right. What is your name, though? My name. My name is Ashley. I am 30 and I'm calling from Nashville, Tennessee. Look at you knowing what we're gonna ask, Ashley. You are a fucking pro's pro. Do you ever feel like you're a townie there? And do you call a Nashville Asheville ever? Are you like, it's my city? Do you ever do that?
Can we cut back? Maybe more like assholes. Like, get out of here. He's saying he's your Ashley. Asheville, Nashville. Got it. I'm sorry. She said she wanted to get... Do you ever call yourself Nashley? I'm Luca Jones. Can we start over? It was more Trashley in my college. Trashley? Wait, your nickname was Trashley? Only for a select few, but yeah. Absolutely not something I'll use. And how come you were called Trashley?
Um, I love a good Malibu back in the day. So I would really just. Wow. So when trashly gets to drink in another part of your personality comes out.
Yes. I get it. Can we just admit that we wouldn't have gotten there without my Asheville? Hey, Gareth. And maybe you could call it Trashville. Shut up. All right. Does he have credit? He does. He does. I'm Luca Jones and I was wrong. OK, great. Here we go. Thank you, Luca. All right, Ashley, what's going on? What can we help you with?
So my question is, am I an asshole for not letting my husband name our son Garland? Okay. Am I an asshole? Garland? He wants to name your son Garland. As in like Judy Garland? Yes. Well, kind of. Walk us through some backstory. Contact does matter a little bit. Okay. Take your time. But.
By the way, Ashley, let me just say something really fast. I agree. Because Gareth gets annoyed at me when I get annoyed. But I want to say you introed it perfectly. I knew you were going to say this. You did the three things we always ask. You're a listener. We respect you. Second, you said, here's my question. You gave us the log line.
I'm into you, Trash Lee. Please continue. I've listened to every single episode. I am a diehard. You're fucking awesome. And you're making this show more fun to make. So the floor is yours. Thank you.
Perfect. Okay. So my husband's name is Garrett. Like, Jared and Garrett kind of smushed together. And he's named after his grandpa's name is Gary. So it's kind of like an homage to Gary, but something different. And he wanted to keep the tradition going. And it was a hard no from me because I'm not naming my son Garland, respectfully, to anyone named Garland. I kind of agree. Yeah, I agree. Keep going. Okay. Thank you, because he...
Like really wanted to name, like make it like a family name. So his second option to that was Johnny, but I kind of vetoed that one too, because our last name is Johnson. So like Johnny Johnson or Johnny,
I'm just not doing it. So the family last name is Johnson and the grandpa was Gary. He's Garrod. How did we get to Garland? Because if you mush kind of Garrod. The family tradition is to mess with the name a little bit. Yes, to kind of go Gar something.
G-A-R something. G-A-R. Boy. If only there was like a great name that started with a G-A-R and you could just toss in the mix. Real talk, Ashley, for a second. What do you think of Gareth? All right. What? Jake. Gareth Johnson. Okay. Jake. It's the alt title to this podcast.
It's amazing. I'm glad I could provide that. Come on, Ashley. I'm Luca Jones and I'm dying for him. He vetoed that one though. He doesn't like it. What's up his ass? It's kind of difficult. Like,
like his name like people are gonna i'm sure gareth you can speak to that people probably get it wrong and call you garrett oh yeah whatever like oh it's been hell yeah i've called him once on this podcast gar gar gar you said that's sort of like okay so why why do you want why do you want her kid to have that name
because it's there's there's misery you know misery loves company let's let's really let's drag the child through this i mean and it resulted in me having a strong exterior you would say jake always calls me the man of the show luca luca my name my name was like made fun i grew up in like uh uh suburban chicago mostly and like sorry and then yeah thanks and they were like uh
They made fun of it all the time. And I wanted to be like Brian. And then when I grew up, it was okay because Luka Doncic plays in the NBA. Great player. What was the turn when you started liking the name Luka? Because I've only known you as an adult. Luka's a cool name. No, as an adult, it was a cool name. But as a kid, it's hard. Oh, real hard. Well, it's also that nobody...
would ever get my name right. Like, they'd never seen my name before, so it became very difficult for, like, a teacher. But we're kind of, Ashley, going into the world of a boy named Sue, right? So you name a kid Gareth, you name a kid Luca, you name a kid Garrett. The kid is going to go through some stuff with that name that will give them character when they're older. And or trauma. And or trauma. But you, Ashley, are saying you want to avoid that. That's what my husband said. Right, but you want to avoid that. Well, he said that he didn't want...
I just, I don't even, okay, not that I don't care. I've had a name picked out and it's really cool and it kind of makes him sound like a little cowboy. Well, you're biased. Hold on, let's hear. Garland.
Garland Johnson sounds like a prohibition doctor that gave his friends whiskey. That's so specific. And you're right. Well, you can't do that anymore, obviously. By the way, Trashly, I would love to drink with you in Nashville. If you come to Nashville, I would love to do that. When are you going to be there, Garland? Tomorrow? No, keep going. Keep going, Trashly. All right, Ashley. I agree. What name is a cool cowboy name that you came up with?
Okay, so we went with Plot Twist. He's already born because I just felt bad, like, in hindsight, because both names he liked were after his grandma and grandpa. So you've named the kid. You already, you took control. But I was feeling really bad. Like, I feel kind of guilty about it because he, like, really wanted to, like,
Name it after a family member, but we went with Walker, and his middle name is Adkins, which is his Grandpa Gary's last name. And I feel like that's a kind of fair compromise, right? So his name is Walker Adkins Johnson.
So you're thinking Walker, Texas. So now I understand the question. Your question, which I like that you said I got confused. You said, am I an asshole for not allowing my husband? Not, he wants to name him this. What should I name him? Yes, I have it. And if I am an asshole, how do I reprimand the situation? You pop out another and let him name it. So for starters, let's just talk it out for a second.
Does anybody, and look, shoot from the hip, let's be honest. Does anybody think she's a bit of an asshole for not allowing the family G-A-R name to be a tradition? Because guess what? Walker Atkins-
The grandpa's other. Yeah, it's close, but it's not the GAR tradition. That tradition was killed with this. But this is also in Nashville. So that's like a fine. Oh, yeah. Walker. Walker Johnson's going to work just what what was what was Garrett's reaction? Was he happy with Walker? How did he take this fight?
i mean it wasn't his first choice but he's a big football guy so in his head walker johnson sounds like a good yes yeah a great football nfl name okay it would be it'd be a lot of things he could be an mma guy he could be an artist he could be a musician he he's probably not gonna be a doctor no i don't want a doctor to go like hey i'm walker johnson well you're like spread them like in los angeles you know i mean like yeah he could do like weird medicine
Yeah. Like Reiki. He could do Reiki. Yeah. He does a lot of cupping. Walker Johnson goes, well, cup. Walker Johnson, brain surgeon. No, pass. But I don't want Walker Johnson doing cupping to me. But if Walker Johnson lives in Malibu and goes like, dude, your energy is out of fucking line, man. Let me put my hands near your ears. I might go like, your middle name is Atkins too. Like, this is a cool thing. Yeah.
In this weird galaxy. Oh, because Atkins. Are you going off Atkins? Like losing weight and only eating meat. So that's like a doctor name, right? It's a way to get less fat and eat a lot of cheese.
You're carrying around a lot of extra blood weight, so we're going to let some of that out of you. But Ashley, your question is, am I an asshole for not allowing the name Garland? So we need to know, husband was not happy with it, but he deferred because of sports. So where are you guys at now? Is he liking the name? Is he not liking the name? Has the home vibe changed? It changes with a baby, but has it changed because of the name? No. I feel like it feels right now.
now, but just that he's a little sad that he didn't get to like carry on his tradition. And like, it's like his mom's grandpa. So it'd be like his mom's grandpa's name is in there too somewhere. I got you. So here's my, here's my, here's my pitch. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you won baby one.
He wins baby too. Yeah. That's, that's, are you going to have, my parents did that. Yeah. Which was, so, uh, what if he picked up Garland again? Hey, at a certain point, you know, here's what I got to say. Yeah. This and this we're living.
That's a loud motorcycle. I think that was Walker. That was Walker. Was that Walker? I can speed it by. No, that was baby number two, man. Fucking Garland. By the way, Walker's eight years old right now. So here's what I got to say. Here's what I got to say, Ashley. He's into it. He's a dad. He cares. The kids ain't yours. They're not just yours. They're both of yours, correct? Correct.
So if you got Walker Atkins Johnson, that's your cowboy name. Baby number two, you create the middle name, let him win the first name. And then you're in a bad, my first name is Mark. I was named after an uncle. I've never been it, but I am Mark, but it's my mom knew from the beginning, it's always going middle name. So you could let him win. You could say when you're pregnant, honey,
Our baby's named Garland, but you know, because you're calling the show, we're on your team. Garland's real name is going to be like, what do you want to know your next kid? By the way, everybody does call Jake Mark here in town.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a that's a little Hollywood inside stuff there. Anyway, sorry. I feel honored to know that. Well, don't tell anyone. We're not going to record this. I like the idea that you what you could do. Yeah. Is like the baby could be called Garland. But you you say it goes by this or something like that. I also have a I have another pitch if you want it. But what do you think of that? Of course. I'm not going to lie.
I'll say I'm going to do it to your face, but I'm totally not going to do it. Respect. Garland is horrible. Respect. You don't have to. I mean, by the way, like, I'm all for family traditions, but, like, uh,
That's like a little silly. That's like a jokey one almost. Garland? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Not the name. The pattern. The pattern. It's not like just naming after. I totally agree. But this is what I would do. It's important to your husband. Yeah. So you're probably not going to be able to talk him out of what he views as like a name tradition. So what I think you do is.
Why not say Garfield? Why not Garfield? Why? Yes. What do you think of Garfield? Well, no, hold on. This is what you do. I feel like that's the same, but just a different. But you call his bluff. You come up with a G.A.R. name that there's no way he'll want. Garfield named Garfield or Gar Gar Gar. I have a boy name here under G.A.R. Names Guard G.A.R.D. or Garda.
Or Gardenia. So you could pitch an awful GAR name. I think it's a girl one. But there's a bunch of them. You could pitch a dog shit GAR name and make him say no to it. Yes. But what if he says yeah? The downside. Well, then if he says yes. That's way more fun. I think he would chicken out. I think he would call the bluff. That is the call the bluff. There is a version I have a pitch on that that is a potential call the bluff. But when I first thought of it, it was something else. Okay.
There are certain football players right now that have names like D apostrophe Ferguson, right? Or D apostrophe something. Okay. What you could do is you could do Gar apostrophe, then the name you want. Yeah. So like, let's say you like the name Walker and his little brother is Jack.
It's Gar apostrophe Jack. And they go, Gar Jack? And he just goes, it's just Jack. Sounds like someone who robs your car. It sounds like it's like a Gar Jack. Or Gar John? Listen, those are awful. And I think it still pitches into what I'm saying. Just be like, look, I want to honor your tradition and give him dog shit. But be serious. Be like, what about Gar John?
So that he'll be like, you mean be serious in tone? Yes. Be serious in tone. In earnest, make him feel like this is all in earnest. So put it in his court. So it would be like this. So, okay, Jake, you be him. I'll be her. Okay. So I'm the husband. Yeah. So listen, I really thought about the idea of Garland. Thank you. And I love, I don't love that name. Actually, let's do this. Luca, you're, you're him.
Okay, ready? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I still don't love the name Garland. I know how important that is to you. Yeah, it's a family thing. I know, yeah. But I do want to honor that. You do? Yes, of course. Babe. So I've come up, babe. Thank you. Babe, thank you.
Because I realize we named Walker Atkins like that was. Yeah, we did. Yeah. It's working. This is working. Relax. But here are a couple ideas I have to honor your tradition. OK. OK. OK. The first one is Garfield. I love you. Sorry. Good. I love you, too. The first one is Garfield. Now, I know that a lot of people are going to think of the cat. Well, I'm thinking of the president. Wasn't there a president? Yeah. He was shot. He was assassinated.
So that's bad, too. Could be bad juju. Well, no, the cat's not that bad, but keep going. I just worry that people will be like, hey, he hates Mondays. He's going to ship the other cat to Abu Dhabi. Seems like a fun thing to talk about. The other one, I think, what if we take a name that I like, like John, and we give you the G-A-R homage? So the name is G-A-R apostrophe John. Gar-John. Gar-John.
Oh, I see. Yeah. So Gar John. Why don't we go? Okay. So I got another idea. Or we could go another traditional name. We could do like, you know. Or we could just go like Gar Fuckface, right? Yeah. Oh, are you doing? What are you? Are you being like? You're fucking with me. I'm not fucking with you. You're trying to get around. You're trying to get around. I want a divorce. Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Wow. Gentlemen. Ashley, be careful.
Ashley, that's the lesson. Do you think there's anything worst case scenario? Do you think there's anything in that that feels like it could be between you and the mister? If you did this? Yeah, because he's pretty funny. I think we would keep it going for a long time. In my head, I would just have the name.
that I've decided and that we're going with. - But do you think if you played a game of chicken with him with this name, where you did Gar-John or you did Garfield. - Gar-John is great. - But if you leaned into Gar-John, Ashley, and then all the way-- - Imagine hearing that
a from your spouse how about guard john with an apostrophe with an apostrophe in the middle that's an apostrophe that makes it clear to everyone we're compromising in the back of your head you know you have a great two other options with regular names yes with atkins being also his middle name so you've created a new tradition and that is great atkins is the middle name as a connection to the family so that in the hospital when the baby's born
You're both playing this guard John game and then you go in my gut of guts. He just doesn't look like a guard John. And then the emotion he's not going to. Yes, but also he might. Nobody would. But also, Ashley, when your husband watches you go through this whole process of labor, what the man's job in that is really easy.
What the woman's going through is a lot of torment, pain, pressure, everything to make the family bigger. In that moment, you say, so what do you think? Do you want to go with Garjan or do you want to hear a couple other pitches? Tears are in his eyes. He's holding little Garjan. He just watched you go for 20 hours and he'll go, what do you think? And you go like.
What name do you like, Ashley? What's in the back of your head that you would like for baby number two? I only have a girl name. What is it? So hopefully it's Monroe. Monroe. So do you go like this? We could either name her Garjon or Garjone or Garjone or Monroe. And at that moment, I'm willing to bet a million dollars. He goes, Monroe's pretty.
That seems like the perfect solution. Yeah, I don't think you can lose. But you go all the way to the end. Go ahead, Lucas. Monroe, by the way, I think can work across the board. I don't think you need to. Do you really? So you don't feel comfortable with a boy named Monroe?
i think walker monroe could actually i don't know i've actually kind of been no just one row for the second yeah i think monroe is the middle oh yeah yeah yep as a set yeah yeah uh now what do you think about can continuing the atkins as the middle i'm not opposed to it yeah so i think i don't know if monroe atkins doesn't flow as good though so ashley here's what i'm going to say and i say this now as your friend
You're a tad of an asshole. And here's why. Because you're not... An asshole. But you're not... And I don't say that as... Look, look, I'm an asshole. Oh, I'm a huge asshole. I'm delightful. Well, so... But what you're doing here is you're making it so he can't win. So if you just want to dominate and pick the names...
Then you could also just lean into the fact, going back to the, am I an asshole? And you go, yeah, I'm an asshole. These are my kids. I have better taste than my husband, and I'm going to name our children. And he married you. He loves you. He's in. So he's going to go, what are the names? And he'll go, deep down, my wife's a bit of an asshole in SteamWorld. If you don't want to be a bit of an asshole, you got to give him something. I agree. And the something doesn't have to be Gar-Jone. I give him a middle name. I think what Jake's saying, listen, you have the asshole card in your back pocket. Okay.
OK, so you can at some point just fully lay down the law if you have to. I would offer up the G.R. solution, like we're saying. And he's going to pass. Most likely he'll pass if he doesn't pass. And somehow you're going into labor with Garjone is going to be your next child. Yeah. During labor, I think you pull the Jake pitch of the doesn't feel like that. Monroe would be better. He's not going to say no to that. How about this? Middle names do not matter.
Right? We all know that. I don't even have a middle name. So middle names, by the way, you've got some people with the funniest weird family middle names. And when they get older, even as kids, they don't get teased, but they get laughs and bars with like Steve Berg. His middle name is, what is it? Tristan or Cindy or something? No, I think it's like, it's honestly,
- It's probably like Lydia. - It's like, no, it is. - It's a woman's name. - It's when he brought out his ID or something. - No, no, he just like one day said it and I was like, what? - We were talking names and then he goes like. - It is like Kristen. - He's like. - Mine's Lydia. - Literally, he goes like, it's, you guys are gonna be out for a while. - It's a traditional, it's a Nordic name for a man. And you're like, what's going on? - Let's Google it. So what I would say, Ashley, is I would play with the idea of the chicken until you get to the hospital
Then, because that's fun. You said he's funny. You guys are going to enjoy that game. Oh, of playing chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of the, we want Garjohn. We want Garjohn. Or Garfield. I can go Garfield. And then in the hospital, when you've got Monroe, maybe have a backup plan. You should have also talked to him about this. So he also likes that as the alternative name. Yeah. In the hospital, you go, what I would love to do is while I'm looking at this baby, I'm seeing Monroe Garland Jacksonville.
johnson i like are you seeing it too go ahead luca can i go just one level deeper yeah so i can get on board with that yeah oh well then it's all but like but i'm just thinking like your dynamic with your husband uh what's his name we haven't got there what is it garrett garrett oh garrett garrett that's right so um is it that you kind of get your way on certain things anyway and he's like pretty fine with it or more than fine with it i
I feel like it's the opposite. I am just so kind of like not opinionated on so many things that I'm like, yeah. Well, there you go. Well, there you go. No, wait. Gareth is shaking his head now. I mean, I feel like... Listen, I love you. You're great. She's great. But I feel like you're wearing... You lied there. I feel like that's what you want to believe. Or just not self-aware. Yeah. I feel like you want to believe that, but that's... Well, if that's true, if that's true... Then you win here. If that's true, then you're like, can I just...
Can I just have a name? Give me one. Please. So, Ashley, what do you think about playing chicken for the fun of Garjone or whatever you want, and then in the moment of you just went through giving labor, the baby's trying to breastfeed, having a hard time. Does it have a lip tie? Does it have a tongue tie? How are you going to do this? Your nipples fucking hurt. The baby's sucking on them and pissing you off. Your body feels like shit. You just are eating up.
ice chips and you're like, oh, my feet. Again, the nipple is very sore. I don't know if you... And you're in a world of trouble. I would love to talk more about my nipples on the podcast. They're very sore. Yeah, mine are sore right now. They hurt. But Ashley, you're in a world of trouble. And at that moment, you say, can we please go Monroe County?
Garland Johnson and I think what he's gonna say is would you honestly do that for me and you'd say I would love to and therefore you both win and then we answer the question is am I an asshole and the answer is fuck no you're not because you gave him what he really needed not what he thought he wanted right yes or even if you are you overcame it in this moment
And you weren't. Yeah. Because nobody needs your first son to be named Garland, but to have the family name carried on through a middle name is not only not an asshole, but it's kind to his family and his goofy-ass GAR tradition. Super common. Which is a great start to a name, we're all saying that. So, Ashley, where are you at? How do we end here? What are you feeling? We're for sure going to play chicken because that's hilarious. Okay. Depending on...
The first name we choose, I might be okay with Garland. Okay. Or I even said he could name it after himself. I would get on board with Garrett more than Garland. So you just hate Garland? He said no. Well, you want to break his family tradition. No, she's okay with the G-A-R. No, no, but if it's the same name, that's not the tradition. That's not the tradition. Yeah, yeah. So do you want to hear other G-A-R pitches? I would love some if you have them. I'm just off the cuff. Garnish? Garlic? Garlic?
Garbage. Wait, have we started? So go in there with seriousness with some of those names. I will give you garbage. Yeah, I was thinking we could call it garbage. How about Garbage Johnson? Or the one I want. I already got that name covered. That's been my vibe since 1981. I'm fucking Garbage Johnson. He can't have that one. Yeah, there'll be a lawsuit. He can have garlic, but he can't touch fucking garbage. Yeah, garlic. And you can
pitch, there's hyphens in these and they're just fun. They play. I literally can't think of how about how about rather than Garland? I can't either. It's how about rather than Garland, you pitch as a middle name, Gareth. That's great. That's perfect. OK, so, Alistair, I think we got a game for you and it's the game of chicken with giving them Gareth. And if you name a baby boy, Gareth, well, I'm on the show. Would you please tell Gareth because it would make him very,
very happy can we get a baby announcement with little gareth i'll send a gift i'll send gareth will send i'll be sending gifts every birthday and if it happens and it works out this way can we get a baby announcement of little baby gareth we will post about it every year on his birthday as long as we're doing this show we'll have a little celebration for little baby gareth please can we do that actually give me this a call is me calling you now i feel like
Ashley, thank you for the call. Thank you so much, guys. Love the show. Thank you.
Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. The original call for this next follow-up is episode 10. It's called Spaghetti Again with Damon Wayans Jr. And it aired on September 18th, 2023. It's the second call on that episode. So if you want to listen for a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi, welcome to We're Here to Help. Is this your first time calling or is this a follow-up?
This is a follow-up. Oh, great. Tell us everything. Walk us back to where we were, your name, the call, the solution, everything. Sure. So this is Rose. We spoke way back in September. I got in on the ground floor of the podcast. I called because my then 10-month-old son, his daycare was requiring a uniform. Oh, of course. I remember this. Right.
And the uniform made him look like a target worker or something. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. I had told you guys khaki pants and a red shirt, but I was wrong. It was khaki pants and a blue shirt. So unfortunately he did not. So like a best buy employee. Much better. Geek squad. Yeah.
Exactly. Yeah. He's been fixing laptops all over daycare. Well, yeah, your suggestion was basically like lean in, get him a wallet, maybe a beret, paint him a mustache on. Wow. Great advice. Kind of lean on him.
All the way in. And we did. I mean, I didn't do the facial hair or the wallet. That's the right call. We got him cardigans. We got him socks that matched the uniform. So we just kind of went all in. And honestly, jokes on me, having a uniform has been fucking awesome. It's so nice to not have to pick an outfit every morning because now he's in...
like the summer programming of daycare and they get to dress down every day. And now I have to like assemble an outfit every morning and that's not super fun. So I was wrong. The uniform has been great. Okay. And you've enjoyed playing. And so this sounds like a win for us. Pretty,
Pretty much. Yeah, for sure. Easy. I mean, it's not a home run, but it's a single. It's not a home run. Can I show the guys the picture and I'll block out the face on this caller? But Gareth, it's on base because it was an intentional walk because there's a power hitter coming. It's on base. It's on base.
Yeah, but it feels like kind of a we're on base. Oh, he's very cute. Look at that cool cat. Look, it is so that guy. You dress them like he goes to college.
It's so funny to make a child wear a little uniform, but it looks great. It looks great. Yeah. This feels like super cute. It's hilarious. I just bought like basically 10 of that same T-shirt and like a bunch of similar Batman. Yeah, exactly. It's like a cartoon. If you opened up his closet, it's like the cartoon characters where it's just all the same outfit lined up one after the other.
But so all in all on this call, Rose, the initial thing was, I'm so sick. I hate these uniforms. We then pushed you really lean in. You leaned in only to realize I kind of like the uniforms. Yeah, 100%. Excellent. And it's a win for us, like we're all saying. Yeah, Rose, we appreciate the call. This is a great follow-up. This is a feel-good story.
Yep. Yeah. And like I said, I've, I mean, I've been a fan now since I called in, I tell everybody that I'm in the New York times because they referenced my episode and that article with you guys. So it's been like wins, wins all around. And thanks for sticking with us since September. Yeah. Appreciate it. I'm on YouTube now. I was pre YouTube. So now I'm here with all the bells and whistles. What do you like more of the YouTube or the audio? Here we go. Ah,
I mostly do the audio because I listen while I'm driving, while I'm cooking, but then depending on the
I watched the Hannah Simone one just because I'm a big New Girl fan, and so I tuned into that. And now that you guys are showing pictures, I always go on to look at the pictures. I was just going to say, can I make an assumption that you went to YouTube to see the outline of the man's penis on one of our most recent episodes? 100%. Figured you did. Most people did. Oh, my God. Without the picture, it did not do it justice. I agree. I would not have...
And Rose, what'd you think of those pictures? Yeah. I, I, yeah, I mean, I felt pride for her. I felt good for her that that's what she married into. Yeah. I think we all felt the same way as a community. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I don't know. It's tough. I was a little tough to hear how, you know, welcoming, you know, because to me, I go, oh, it's a little big. But I guess we haven't heard that yet in the comments. So I'm waiting for a call. I'm going to go gross. Yeah, gross. Yucky. Too much. I want no indention on the pants. I want to I want to feel like it's barely there.
And then Gareth and I will fight for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, nothing below the zipper, please. That's what I want to hear. I'm looking for like an invisible nub, my lady. The micro. Something to push. Yeah.
Well, now you guys just have to only wear khaki pants on YouTube and let everyone see what's happening there. I think it would knock our already low YouTube numbers even lower. Pardon the pun, but we're looking to get them up. Rose, thank you for listening. We appreciate the call. Yeah, thank you, guys. Bye. Bye, guys.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeith. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.
All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.