86: Seeing Past The Piggies
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back on a Monday for another show inching towards 100. That's right. And Jake, listen, Mondays are tough for everyone. So we're here to help you get through the toughest day of the week. That's what Garfield says. That's what Garfield says. It's interesting, actually. That's a good segue into something I wanted to mention, which is, uh,

I have rats in my place. Oh, no. And one would think your cat would maybe be an ally, but no. I have them in a crawl space. Underneath the house? No, in the above crawl space, small attic thing. The way I sort of learned about it was I just heard...

It was actually someone who was staying at my place looking after my cat. And she was like, yeah, I think you have like rats or raccoons or something. And I'm like, what? And sure enough, I started to hear it like you just at night would just hear like clawing.

And so I talked to my girlfriend's uncle. I talked to my cat. My girlfriend's uncle is like a exterminator guy. And they were giving me advice, but I'm like, I don't want to set traps. So I called the guy and he came out. You didn't want to set traps? I didn't want to go into the crawl space where there were rats. Oh, you didn't want to physically. Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like as like a. Humane thing. Yeah. Well, I did start. I did start asking for humane options. I wouldn't do the poison.

No. Because poison, then some other animal's going to eat it. Then before you know it, you're going to kill a poor coyote. Totally, yes. Did not want to do that. So went with trap traps. And the guy starts, yep. And he starts with peanut butter. And I was like, that's it. I was like, every step of the way, I was like, I feel like I could do this. But it didn't work. He's like, the peanut butter's not working. They love it. Smart rats, by the way. So then he goes, all right, we're going to have to step it up. And I'm like, okay. And he goes...

Snickers. And I'm like, what? You got a little snicker addict. Yeah, so I'm like, okay. I'm waiting for the thing where I'm like, you're a professional. And I think we caught one. One? Yeah, but there was more. So I'm pressing him. I'm like, dude, they're still there. I'm in town for a very small window. And he goes, all right, we're going to have to go nuclear on these fools. Yeah.

Thousand grand bars. Slim Jim. He said Slim Jim. Slim Jim has a goofball. So, Garrett, this is when I knew you were in trouble. You said exterminator guy. Yeah. The term is just exterminator. Just get a professional exterminator. Well, I did not get a professional. I got like a stone college student who is just thinking rats are what. Going through a vending machine. Yeah. Yeah. He's just. All right, man. Let's go for it. Let's do a white powder donuts because I know that would get me in a cage.

I bet you he's just using the budget and he's just like, it's a right. And he's eating this. He had, this is what he has at home. Yes. He's like, you know what we should do? Chinese food, leftovers, Chinese food from three nights ago. My wife says I can't eat anymore. I think it's some weird noodle thing. I don't know, but it wasn't delicious. Orange chicken deal, but it wasn't great. So they love that. Have you gotten the rats out?

Uh, in the process, there's been a couple more. So we've gotten a couple more. I had a neighbor who had this problem in the crawl space. Do you have an, is your place old? Uh, kind of old. Yeah. Cause here's the problem. This, the guy who, my buddy had a house that was a hundred years old.

So rats are very intelligent, like crazy smart. Yeah. These fools have been in that crawl space for generations. This has been passed on from my grandparent to grandpa. So they're like a fucking,

fucking slim gin i'm leaving you the attic yeah well they know every entrance what you're gonna have to do is you have to get rid of all of them then you've got to seal your house by the way they're just getting fatter they're just becoming more stronger because we're feeding them slim jims and snickers yes but you're going to have to the amount if you're going to fix this i don't the amount of seal that you're going to have to do

You're going to have... It's basically like a little mesh netting that you have to put... Look around the outside of your house. If you see a tiny crack, they're in. That ended up being part of the plan. Mm-hmm.

Is that they're coming in and out through those holes. But you can't have an exterminator guy. He's a guy. You need an exterminator because this is a hard job. Yeah, no shit. That's why every time he came back... First of all, I was like, buddy, why don't we just start with all of these things? Like, you keep asking, like, all right, well, now that it's crazy, we got to do Slim... Start with Slim Jims. Did you pay him or is this like... No, this man has been paid...

Well, for what he's doing. Hold on. Let's hear a number. I don't want. Why? You referred to him as a guy. Who cares? What's the number? Like $700. For the whole thing? Yeah. Get a real exterminator.

It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you, Gordon. It's going to. You got ripped off. You got ripped off. I know. I know, dude, we should put subway sandwiches in there, but here's the trick. I just eat four fifths of it. Well, the weird part is sandwich. I took a peek up there the other day and one of the guys he'd hired was living in there. He just eat it. Oh,

I was like, we're going to need more Slim Jim. Trent's in the ad. I got Trent's. I should have got it Mike's way. That's on me. Gareth, you're going to be on the road. Where are you going? Oh, Jake, you can go to garethreynolds.com to see me in Chattanooga, Tennessee, June 18th, June 19th, Nashville, June 20th, Huntsville, June 21st, Atlanta, June 22nd, Atlanta, June 22nd.

26, Pottstown, Pennsylvania. June 27th, East Providence, Rhode Island. June 28th, Boston, Massachusetts. June 29th, Springfield, Massachusetts. June 30, Rochester. And then 5th and 6th, I'll be in Toronto, Canada. GarethReynolds.com. And Kevin, how's the weight loss going? So I told my personal trainer about it and now he's really invested. So when I'm doing like

15 reps on like 12 he goes let's win that bet yes uh can we have the trainer come into an intro i'll ask him yeah eli he's really cool yes that sounds fun uh without further ado everybody enjoy the show

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Just jumping in really quick before we get into this episode. We look at a few pictures throughout the recording. So I'm putting links in the episode description for when those parts get discussed. You can just tap on the link and it will take you right to that spot in the video version so you can see what we're discussing. That's it. Enjoy. Hi.

Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, absolutely. My name is Beverly. I'm calling from Fayetteville, Arkansas, and I'm 29 years old. Wow, that took a turn.

It's a new girl thing. You know this as a cast member. Oh, right. When we do 29. Yeah. No, when Max does it. We can do it together. When we did it, though. No, no, hold on. Oh, God. We're not going to go down that road.

All right, three, two, Beverly, what is going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, absolutely. So I just got a new job. Woo-hoo. Congrats. I started last week. With this new office job, I have a little bit of a hurdle that I wasn't expecting and is pretty horrific, and I really need y'all's help with it. Let's go. My cubicle mate every day after lunch...

For Walt for lunch, she takes a walk outside and then she comes back and she removes her shoes and her socks and she airs out her toes in our shared cubicle space.

I'm going to share the picture that you sent. Oh, okay. Oh, fuck me. Oh, Beverly. I believe in no free toes, but this felt like essential footage to share with you guys. Footage. Is the smell part of this? The smell is definitely. I mean, again, I live in Arkansas.

It is humid here, and she's taking a lunchtime walk. There really is an odor. There's an odor, and if you can notice, I was trying to be as fly as possible, but they're not staying underneath her desk. Can you pull up the pic one more time? Yeah. You guys, no one else is freaking out at the office. Everyone plays it cool. In one of the pictures, you can see someone standing in the background. Right on the carpet.

Yeah, crazy. Oh, OK. So walk us through. So

My guess is the question is, is what do you, how the hell do you handle this? Right. Yeah. Are you a mind reader? Have you done this before? Um, yeah. So basically about a hundred episodes. Yeah. I've listened to everyone. Well, we're thank you. We appreciate you. We appreciate you, Beverly. You're one of the good ones. Are we talking directly to her? Are we going over like, Hey, like what do we value in a cubicle here? Like, what do we like? This is our shared space.

I've talked to my chiropractor about it. I've talked to a lot of my friends that there's a lot of people in who are like following along who are very invested. I was like, I've talked to my chiropractor. She's baffled. Exactly. Exactly. Anyways. So I guess my question is like, who do I go to? And then after that, like, what do I say? Like, what are my next steps? This is too much. So.

We're going to be able to help here for sure. Right. Oh yeah. Yeah. We got, I already got some weird ones. We can get you out, but save those first. Cause we're going to get there. Let's just get a little bit of backstory. Beverly. She's not your boss. Is she? No, no, no, no. But she is, she has more seniority than like half of the people in the office. But that doesn't, she's not the boss though, but she's been around. So in her eyes, you're in her house. Right. Yeah. So it's like a hazing.

Nope. It's just, it's like her point of view. She's been there long enough that you're working in her living room. Yes. Okay. And she's so comfortable there that she's like, who cares? You know, nobody's ever cared. Now, um, question about, let's give her a name. How about a fake one? So we don't offend her. Of course. All her diamond. So what's diamonds personality like? Um, she doesn't really have an inside voice, but always has something interesting to say. Um,

and she um i don't know we're still getting to know each other it's honestly like it's hard for me to see past the loose piggies you know what i mean so maybe that's it like maybe i need to like get to know like her more i just feel like this feels like a really big roadblock

Yeah. It's tough. It's like hiking. She's been time outside. We talked about that. I don't know. Gross. I wish she did. Yeah, it'd be great. It's just gross. I, when I fly, like if I'm on a long flight, I will go shoes off, but I will hide them. But when I see people go shoes and socks off. Yeah.

That to me is like, what is going on? That's just a bridge too far. It's really bad. Yeah, my skin is crawling. Yeah. First of all, I think because, like you're saying, you kind of want to preserve the job. You don't want to rock the boat. I don't think you want to confront this head on. I don't think you want to go above her and complain. I think we've got to either die hard, shoot the glass, or we've got to...

Just come up with ways that would dissuade her from taking her shoes off Gareth you want to start pitching some stuff of how to get her out of this as we're trying to figure that one out so Here's the first one that I would say is just a way to dissuade her a little head-on And that would be to say that you're seeing spiders that you've seen a few spiders That you think you got bitten by a spider at work and

What about releasing a rat? Yes, but I think what's good about a spider is that she can't... First of all, if it got connected to Beverly, she wouldn't get in trouble. But here's what I'm afraid of with that. Right, there's cameras in the building, so like... Yeah, okay, we're not going to release a rat. You can't ratatouille. You'll be the weirdest.

But so here's then we need something more than a spider. And here's why. Because she could, she could not connect that to her feet and be like, Oh, disgusted.

Okay. So you want to hear the other specials? Yes. I think what you could do is if you wanted to try to out weird her, you start clipping your toenails in the cubicle. Holy shit. Best response we've had in a while. Holy shit. You sort of go like, you invented a locker room. I love the locker room. Yeah.

Yeah, we're in the locker room. This is a party. So, Gareth, we had a call similar to this with a man who flossed in the living room. Yeah. And we talked to his wife about clipping. That makes sense because we're at home. God damn it. Beverly's at work. It's but this woman is making it home. But the woman is not the boss. No. OK. I think I think there's got to be a slide. I like spiders. I think there's something there to say like here's another one. Go ahead. You start Parmesan in the floor.

Oh, my God. Classic. You start putting Parmesan on the floor. We can't keep pitching this. We've cut this out of 65 out of 80 episodes. Maybe this one will stick. I'm telling you, someone is going to Parmesan the goddamn floor. By the way, Parmesan on the floor is a great idea.

Yeah. Parmesan it a little water on it. She'll start to feel a little footy film. Yes. And she'll start going, what the hell? Here's here's one be on Parmesan. You're talking post her exercise or feed her out. You're eating spicy Chinese food or Mexican food with weird hot chili oils. You spill it on the floor. You tell her you're really sorry as you're cleaning it. You rub it in all over her area and it's hot oil or let's get weird.

You break, you tell, you drop a glass and you break it. And you say, this is really good. You go like this. Hey, you get there early. You get a really thin wine glass or some water glass. Yeah. I should be arriving to work early with wine glass. Fair enough. Any sort of thin glass that breaks. Yeah. If it's cameras, they can't see you break it. And if it drops more than three times and it doesn't break, you're a weirdo.

Well, you know what you could do is you could get that fake breakaway Hollywood glass so that it actually shatters everywhere. You shatter it, and when she comes in, you can... And there's blood everywhere. You could say... Beverly, it's fake, damn it. Pump the brakes, Beverly. Pump the brakes. It's not a horror movie. Let us drive. Fake blood everywhere. Fake blood everywhere. I thought we were going to Hollywood. No, we don't want fake blood. There's been a murder. No, but I think this idea is something...

What if you did this, Beverly? You got one of those fake, you can get it on Amazon, I'm sure, breakaway glass so it's easy. You fill it with water, you accidentally knock it, it breaks everywhere. You clean it as much as you can. When she comes in, you put a note up

that you say, sorry, broken glass in this area because it's carpeted. Can't get it all. Be careful. No, that's like really good. I feel like I need to introduce another character, but if we don't have enough time, then we don't have time. Beverly, we have time. Um, the receptionist or like the, she like Lords over the building, uh,

And she notices it's like a picture frame is like off kilter and she'll like send out a mass email to everyone of like who did this to the picture frame. And she's always checking if the housekeepers are doing their job and like going in very tedious.

So I would hate for someone to, you know what I mean? For like him or Tim, we'll call her Tim, um, to get onto someone else because of a mess I made. I understand. But I also hear where you guys are coming from and it's goofy and it's fun. I understand. But you're right that it's going to make the receptionist get really OCD, be really tough on the janitors. Everyone's life's going to get bad. And then, uh,

diamond's going to be walking around shoeless. How about something like this? An anonymous note to the receptionist saying, just so you know, there is a coworker in your neighborhood.

floor in your building walking around shoeless rubbing their feet all over everything there has been word that there might be athletes foot spreading i thought you would want to know because i expected more from you right from and then the receptionist goes like

We got a rat. Yeah. Tim's going to freak out. Everything's got to be perfect. The picture frame's got to be perfect. And you just go like, and then all of a sudden the answer is no. And then it's a battle between them. And then you could sit back and go like, I don't even know what's happening. Another one. Hop on.

Two thumbtacks in the carpet near where she goes barefoot. Home alone-er. Home alone-er. We're not... Hold on. Home alone-er. Why don't you throw a paint can at her head and burn her with an iron? Home alone-er. Tar and feather the woman. We can't inflict pain.

How about this? Wet the carpet and shock it. Electrocuter. Home alone-er. How about this? I got one. Okay. This is in the world of the nails. Don't wash your feet for three days. Get your feet smelling yeasty and disgusting. We all know it's not far off. Within 30 hours, all of our feet are the feet of an animal.

Really cook those sons of bitches, Beverly. When she takes her shoes off, you take yours off. Your smell has to be so intense that she goes like, ooh. You know what I think we do on that one? We parmesan your feet.

Why not tonight and then let them cook for Parmesan, your socks, and you wear the same socks for three days and you're joining the locker room and you've got little flaky Parmesan smells. I mean, I honestly think there's something to if I did if I did something where I took my shoes off and somebody else did in their feet were disgusting and I thought mine were fine.

I would put mine on. And then if they put theirs on too, I would be like, let's agree to disagree. I'm just keeping these on and they keep theirs on. Yeah. Yeah. So we've got some options for you and I want to kind of hear where you're at. This doesn't necessarily mean the end, but we got the world of spiders. Right. Coming from down on coming from down under.

spiders from down under. We've got the idea of maybe put like a mouse, get a field mouse, put it in your purse. When her feet are off, just put your purse on the ground, let it crawl out of your purse. We've got the Parmesan cheese. Just put Parmesan cheese on the floor, I guess. Hope the camera doesn't catch you. Because if they catch you,

Yeah, but if the camera catches a rat coming out of your bag, they're going to have some other questions too, Jake. I agree. I noticed you punched up your pitch and post a little bit, by the way.

I have a soft version of that, which is just like casually saying like, did you hear about the mold on the carpet or something? Oh, Kevin, thank you. You always come in. Yes. All right. Look, we all love Kevin, but Jacob has been working hard for the month. It's a bit, it's a lot. It all changed with my, with my, my mom said that thing. I'm more Kevin. Now there's this idea that Kevin, Kevin, there's a perfect amount of Kevin. But there's, there's a perfect amount of Kevin.

So then we've got this idea of breaking glass, which you didn't like. Right. We've got the, we've got the idea of the anonymous note to the receptionist. And I love that because I also love a good gossip and I feel like that would really travel well. Ooh, what about the building? Right. What about, what about a few random notes on pieces of paper that you leave throughout the building and create like Johnny bananas did in the challenge and

Hell yeah. Earlier season just creates chaos, create chaos, get people talk.

But that the problem, the issue I find there is that, you know, you don't want her to be attached to the chaos. If she if the chaos gets traced back to her, then everything in the bathroom, leave it in the bathroom. I'm leaving the notes like if I'm typing them up so they can't see my handwriting. Agreed. Right. And that's all the other notes are like in the kitchen that are like clean up your shit. Sure. And different things like that. And you know where else you could leave them? You could leave them while you like reach into the fridge, leave it in the fridge. So no cameras are watching that. Yeah.

And the note says, have you seen the stinky toes? Ooh. Put those little piggies away. Put those little piggies away. So Beverly, what do you think you're going to do here?

Yeah, I honestly love the note idea. I could get to the Parmigiano-Reggiano idea if I knew where the blind spots were on the cameras. So those are the two directions that I'm feeling that are the most me, that are the most like true to who I am and the most like realistic. That's good. Here's two ways, two things with the Parmesan pitch. But I think if you like note, go with it.

Two things you can do with the Parmesan is nobody's going to fucking go back. These cameras probably delete their footage after 24 hours. So nobody's going to be going back and CSI-ing the cameras to see where the Parmesan came from. But if they do...

So embarrassing. You haven't met Ken, but I hear you. Okay, here's the way to cover it. One day for lunch, you're going to Sbarro, you grab a slice, and you fucking load up a tray with Parmesan, and when you're sitting at your cubicle eating it, you're fake...

You're kind of emerald. Yes, you're just, yes. You're dumping it every, you're a sloppy eater. Worst case scenario, you're a little sloppy Parmesan piggy. So your thought, Beverly, is you're going to put a note around? Are you going to actually do this? Well, now I'm thinking spiders. Now I'm thinking spiders post Parmesan sandcastle.

Wow. What a twist you've thrown our way. So what does that mean? Spiders walk? I'm just thinking like, okay. So I usually get to work like about 15 minutes before she does. So I can do something like along the lines of like, Hey, like, I don't know. I'm kind of like not really a critter person, but I feel like I saw something crawling around our cubicle. Good.

So why don't you just early in work while on camera pretend to see a black widow under the table, take your shoe and kill it and then go like, whoa, whoa. And then everybody all day, you go like, I killed a black widow right under Diamond's desk. I wouldn't even kill it. You saw it and you got a picture of it and you looked. And when she comes in, you have a Google image of a black widow up and you go, I literally this is literally what I just saw on our carpet. A black widow. I just I just Googled it. This is what was on our carpet. Right.

I threw my, I was like trying to hit it with my shoe, but it like made a move. So there is like a black widow here. I'm pretty sure. Oh my gosh. We have a ton of ticks here. We have so many ticks. And she was just talking about how she just got a new dog and they went hiking this weekend and they like had to get all the ticks off the dog and they don't know if they got them all. Good. And she's freaking out about ticks. That's good.

Yes. So that's great. You live like this. Hey, I just want to let you know, I saw two ticks in the carpet this morning. And you say it when her feet are off. You do that Beverly as a favor. You go like this. Hey, girl, be careful with your feet off. I literally saw a tick right in this right where you were this morning. She'll go like, yes, ew, gross. And I go, I'm telling you, Diamond, check yourself. But I would keep those shoes on.

That's good. There we go. Because I care about you and I don't want you to have Lyme disease. Because if you get that in your foot, that could lead to Pan's disease. That could be real bad. Plus, someone put a note in the fridge about the ticks. Also, there's a ton. And then she goes, maybe the ticks are here for all the Parmesan, all the Parmesan that's everywhere. I like a Parmesan pizza. There's a rat coming out of your purse. All ideas are the best idea.

Home alone. Beverly. And then all of a sudden, when she says that, a bucket of paint hits her right on the face and she falls into a Christmas tree. And then you go on a little zip tie out of there. And then Beverly just runs three feet, goes to her knee and goes, yes. And keep the change, you filthy animal.

Beverly, we appreciate the call. I think Tix is it. It took us a while, but I think we all nailed it. Yeah, for sure. Good team effort. Thank you guys. And then follow up with us right away. Yeah, dog. All right. Y'all have a good one. You too, bud. All right. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

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Hello. Well, hi there. Welcome to America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Don't look it up. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. Kevin is having an espresso. He's a super weird guy. Can we get your name, your age and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, of course. My name is Savannah. I'm 32 and I'm calling from Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, beautiful. Great place. OK, what's going on? Let's jump in.

Okay, great. So I'm calling in because my now husband, then fiance at the time, and I did engagement photos together. We planned a big, beautiful wedding that we didn't end up being able to follow through with because of unforeseen circumstances. And so these engagement photos are kind of the only memento that I have of that time for us. Okay.

So we did them in a really scenic location. It was beautiful. And when I got the shots back, I was really excited. But as we looked at the shots a little bit closer, you can see a very clear outline of my husband's penis in almost every single shot. Oh, my God. Wow.

First of all, Savannah, congratulations. It'd be a lot worse if you couldn't see the outline. Well, we'll get into it, but it also depends on the outline size a little bit. But it makes me think that it's decent.

Because because you're seeing it in a photo from kind of, you know what I mean? Gray sweatpants. And you see right away and you go like my guy, darker pants. Yeah. I'm saying this as a friend. I'm saying this as a friend. Sometimes I go to the farmer's market. I'm like, I shouldn't be showing off. What am I? Can I buy a pair of shorts to put on my sweatpants? Why? I didn't realize I see who they were. So, Savannah, you question for you. What kind of what was the big wedding that didn't happen? Just out of the fun of hearing about it.

Yeah, it was. We planned a beautiful wedding. I did all the things. I rented all the packages, you know, nothing in the world. Especially.

Yeah. Nothing in the world of weddings is cheap. And, uh, you know, it was kind of unforeseen circumstances, but we, we ended up having to cancel. And what we did instead was just like a really intimate elopement that we didn't plan that. I have no photos from, no one enjoyed it. No one was there with us. Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do in the photos? What were the big photo days? So we did it. It ended up being, um, we went out to this place in Clarksville. It's called Dunbar cave. Uh,

And it's just, it's a beautiful cave scenery. And with the photos, it's like, unless you have a close-up of our faces or a shot where we're facing each other.

Yeah, we couldn't do them. Exactly. If I had a nickel for every time a big old dick ruined photos, my man, I would be a millionaire. Jake, Jake, Jake. Sorry. This is the call I wish my wife would call in. I know. Every guy, this is their dream. Your big dick ruined photos. Let's just out it. Savannah, he's got a hog. Yeah. Right?

Did you guys see the picture? I sent in a picture. No, there's a photo? I didn't know you sent a picture. Yeah, I sent in a picture this morning. I asked him not to put it on YouTube, but I wanted you guys to be able to understand what I was talking about. No, we'll react to it. Can we blur out his face and put it on YouTube, turn him into a star? That's not a bad call. You can blur out both of our faces and put them on YouTube, maybe. That could be the wedding photo. I don't want to do it. It's no shame to the photographer. I was too embarrassed.

embarrassed to ask her to fix it. I assume that she obviously noticed it. It feels like a user error, like I messed up picking out our clothing possibly. But, you know, basically what I would love to ask you guys is, is, um,

How can I honor these photos? They're all that I have. I have the few that I can use, but what can I do with these pictures to kind of honor them, whether it be like a silly fun way or something that I can do for he and I, but right now I'm just sitting on them. Hold on, we're seeing, oh my God, we're seeing him now. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow. You guys see what I'm talking about? Yeah, completely. First of all- You know what he needed? He needed to be in a pair of MeUndies. What?

Yes. Me undies. Me undies. The only pair of underwear that'll hide the schlong. Me undies. Don't show it off. Show it off behind the closed doors. We needed some me undies on this guy under those khakis. So the photo is a lovely couple walking in the field. He's wearing some brown khakis for those who aren't going to pop over to YouTube. And you just see his hog. You just totally see that dick sitting out there. It's very clear. It's not subtle.

The term third arm comes to mind. It's a major player. It's a major player. I'm not going to say... We're not talking about the biggest dick on planet Earth, but we're talking about a solid hog. Yeah. And it's making an appearance. Savannah, we're just explaining for our audience because they might not be able to see it. So, yeah, we're not talking about, like...

Oh, God, the Internet's broken. But we're saying, yeah, there is a decent there's some decent stuff going in that wedding package. We're not we're not saying, oh, God, the Internet's broken. But we are saying put a ring on that, Savannah. Yeah, we are. Lock that hog up in the barn. Yeah, we are saying you married the right guy. Belongs behind a cage. He's going to walk into this.

Yeah, you are saying maybe throw something over that hog because it's terrifying. We're saying in the 1800s, your husband would have put in some sort of public wooden cell and people would have thrown rotting vegetables at it. I mean, he just, yeah. Because it might be a witch's dick. Because honestly, it looks like something a wizard could cut. Exactly. It looks like a spell was put on his dick. And that's all we're saying. That's no man's dick. That's a wizard's dick. That's...

And that's all we're saying. Yeah, we're not saying anything bad. What we're saying is we're really jealous. He's got a great penis, and good for him, and shame for us. I mean, we're not there. Truly, every photo I've ever been in, I do the same stupid smile. I do the same hand expression, and I just pray to God that my dick pops through my pants, and it's never happened. Yeah.

What we're saying is if Jake and I were to have a shot like that, we would need five to ten minutes of warm-up prep, and we might get three-quarters of the way there. And we're also going to need mango. An early sponsor. Call back to the early listeners. So, Savannah, the question is, how do you honor these photos? Because it is a full-body shot. Part of it is it seems like you guys are frolicking in a field.

And what you want to send to family members like grandparents and mothers is the, the innocence of a frolic, not what happens after the frolic. And that is that hog comes out and you try to make babies together. Right. So what do you think of a very simple, let's just go, let's start right down the middle of a Photoshop. Yep. Yeah. You do see. And I thought about this too, is like, sometimes you see forums online where people post pictures and be like, can someone help me fix this?

And they put insane things that I didn't think about that. I haven't thought about having someone else take them and Photoshop them. I'm not able to do that myself. No, not you. Okay, I got it. Yeah, but like a company, because all you got to do, they can now, I mean, AI can make entire movies these days. I guarantee there's some program that can just blend a shade of light. I mean, I know as a fact they can. Yeah, you need a prick shrink.

You know, I had to do it for, I made a little movie and the whole movie, my big old dick was in every shot. It cost us in post, thanks, Garrett. In post-production, it cost us hundreds of millions of dollars because they were like, this movie is not about Godzilla's dick. No, that's why we lost money, Garrett. Every project I've ever been in that's lost money, it's because my big dick, they had to blend it.

out. It's true, yeah. I know. The Post is a nightmare. Every job I didn't get as an actor, it's simply because they called and they said, of course you're better than Joaquin Phoenix for this part. The problem is your big dick is going to cause us a fortune in Post. Jake's not going to be able to walk the line. He's going to trip over it with that schlong. So, Savannah...

The I think the very clear get out of Dodge of this is to look for a company that blurs it out. But I think we should pitch some other options. Yeah, I think that because, well, first of all, we don't know if that's possible. So that is so I would I would say that that's the first port of call. And we can even, you know, when this airs, we can have people reach out if they think they can.

you know, get a hog eraser going on. Maybe we'll do this one fast, Kevin, and we'll see. Because then what we can do, Savannah, if you're interested. So this is to Savannah. If we do this one right away and somebody writes in, we can't.

I guarantee they're not going to just be weirdos with this dick. You actually, you might want to go to a real company. Yeah. The more we talk about this, the more I think that we could just, it could just be weirdos who have a wedding photo fetish. Yeah. Yeah. I would say find a company. Don't go, don't go to our listeners. It does feel like professionally modest dick pics.

Yes. I think that's exactly right. I wonder if there's actually a company because the way you just said that Savannah, you know how many photos there are where a woman's nipples popping out and she's like, God damn it. It was my, it was my wedding. I was with like my seven best friends and my sister. And then, you know, Grace's nipples were popping out in every photo. So there's a company that comes in. Of course it is.

You know, all those like spring dresses, all those like linen outfits, those like, you know, Miami style weddings where everyone's in white. You know how many hogs you're seeing on the beach there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're seeing six out of the 10 guys. Their hogs are in the photo. Wild pigs. And you go, I didn't. I wanted this wedding photo of my beautiful wife and I on this boat. I didn't want six of my groomsmen's hogs in every photo. There's a company for that. And guess what? Yeah. Cacky lackey. And guess what, Robert? What?

I'm willing to put $3,500 for 33% if you want to partner up. You and me. I'm Barbara. Let's go. Hog picks. I love the deal. And I think what we need is we need a hog eliminator. I am the hog eliminator. Easy, Barbara. Barbara, listen to yourself. Like hungry hippos. Barbara. Barbara. Barbara. Barbara. I'll eliminate the hogs. My parents aren't from America. Are you doing short pink again? Yeah, sorry. It's a trope. So that's the first pitch.

Here's another pitch. Can you just redo some pictures? Can you guys get in your Sunday's best? Can you go out somewhere? Can we find a way to maybe hook you up with someone who is, you know, going to give you a discounted rate? And can we just get some redo shots? How long have you been married? That would have been, we just would have hit two years in March. So I think that would maybe be an idea if we... But it's different, guys.

It is. Here's why it's different, because Sweet Savannah does not have pictures of the actual wedding. And so you could redo it. But there was something about that era, something about them together then. And it's hard to recreate that. It's hard. It's a reenactment.

I don't think it was hard. I think it's just big. It's crazy. Can we, is there a, don't get, don't even get me started. Is there a way Savannah with these photos and maybe Kevin, you could pull that one up again. What about just, we crop them all. Can you screen share with her, Kevin?

She's on the phone, so no. I can screenshot and send her what I just did. So here's a very simple solution, and it's not perfect, but I actually might do this over the Robert and Barbara Company dick erase. I would just say you crop these photos and you see what you got when you pushed in, because here's what you don't want to do. You don't want to lose the joy you guys had. You don't want to lose the optimism you guys had. You want to capture that moment.

I just say push in. You got to push past the hog. I think we put it out. We see if we can get maybe some Photoshop help. I think, Jay, it doesn't look that bad. I mean, it really doesn't. I do feel like you could do a recreation as well. But I also think there are probably some of the solves we're pitching right now are are easier.

So Kevin will send that to you. But what do you think about like what do you think about those? Those are very basic pitches, but those seem to be like the easiest way to. Yeah, but Garth, we're not going to go crazy. We're not going to be like, all right, just like a pirate. And, you know, yeah, I mean, we're just trying to cover a hog. Yeah, I look, the problem's fantastic. There's no notes on the problem. So so what do you think of the only problem with this one is us?

We didn't need to do Shark Tank. Well, we really I mean, we both just were like, let's party. I agree. It's a great call. And he's and congratulations again to both of you on your wedding and to him specifically. I hope you many a son. I hope many a son. Many a son. Yeah. So what do you think? I mean, we're pitching basically Photoshop. We're picturing we're pitching cropping in on the picture, pushing in.

And lastly, if you want the real Hail Mary, we're pitching Arisha. A recreation, yeah.

yeah all of that makes sense i think those are the most like the easiest solutions uh i think what jake said about pushing past the hogs and just taking the crop i haven't messed with them but if you guys are looking at them and they look better or they look like that as a passable solution i guess that would work savannah beyond beyond passable there it's a good photo when you yeah the photos are really great i mean genuinely and

And then what were you kind of thinking when you called it? Because we're giving you a pretty run of the, I got another type thoughts, but I want to hear Savannah. Will you save it? Garth? Yeah. Savannah, what were you kind of thinking in the zone when you were calling? What were you hoping to hear? Well, I was kind of wondering if, if there was a way that I could take these pictures and maybe use them in a way that as they are to still enjoy them, but maybe something that might,

honor them, but it may be something that has to be just for me and my husband, but just ways that I can still use these pictures. And like you said, Jake, appreciate them in that moment for what they are and, and get kind of capture that, but still, you know, not just have to sit on them. I have a couple of shots, you know, that we can use where we're, like I said, facing each other, they're close up to our faces. I really like the scenic shots and I, and I like the way that they turned out and I love the area that we're in.

And I just like to be able to use them. But yes, so that's what I was thinking. So Savannah in that really fast, you can make a pick. You can make one of those little like Apple books where you put them all together in a book that's not that expensive. And you could send it to all his friends and your friends and every single photo has this dick in it. It's almost like a Where's Waldo for everybody.

So it's meant to be funny, but they are pretty shots. But you celebrate the fact that you allow everybody to have a huge laugh. And in every single photo, there's another dick pic. This is what I was going to this is what I was going to pitch for for for friends and family who you don't want to acknowledge that reality. What I was going to say is you could what if you put a little text over it?

That's what I was going to pitch. Or married. Yeah, like our special day or the date of the wedding or something like that. And then what you could do for the version that Jake's talking about is you could just put little hearts over it. You can even call it a heart on. Yes, but you could also do hitched.

And you do it like it's a banner, like a wedding banner. And it just goes right over the dick on each one. Yeah. I do think even if you do the hard on thing, I think part of the fun then is do one where

The dicks are just out in the open. Sure. I got to tell you, if a friend sent me that book, I would die laughing in every page because then you get to tease your buddy and be like, your dick ruined your wedding photos for Port Savannah. And then you look and it's like you guys by a river. And I'm like, I don't see the dick. Then you push in. You go like, there's that fucking hard. There it is. You found a way, my friend, to ruin photos. Yes.

That's great stuff. I think that's fun. And I think it like you're saying, if you want to do that big panoramic one, throw a little fucking text over that suite for that. And then you could send that to me with the wedding date. Just right there. Nothing crazy, but just a little something. And then if you do the one where the dicks revealed the book is, as you guys can see now, you guys all know why I married him.

Yeah. Yeah. I like that. So everybody goes like, I don't get it. Like she said, we know I married him. He's sweet. He's funny. They're loving. And then when they see the photos, they go like, oh, the book title could be it ain't his personality title.

title so savannah now i feel like now we've given you advice in a lot of zones what do you think you're gonna do i like it i like the i like the hard-on um like your pitch i i love the at the book idea i think we'll start with the hard-on and i can i can play with it a little bit and try to try to edit it um but i think making up the book and having it

even if it was just for us, would be totally worth it. Yeah, totally. Can you please send us one for Kevin's new studio he's putting together and we'll have it behind us as like one of the stuff we've got. Classic. Yes, yeah, I'll do that. Great.

And then go ahead, Garth. Well, I was just going to say, and then if you feel like you want to follow up on any of these other versions that we've pitched, let us know. But we definitely want a copy of it. And it's probably worth doing a follow up when we look through the copy with you just to see how it all sort of shakes out. And will you also if you do the hard on where you're just putting a heart on the head of his penis in every photo, would you please send us that too? Please. Yes. All the stuff.

All this stuff, Savannah. We're invested in this. And you know what would be great for the follow-up is if we can get him on too. Oh yeah, I still love that. Yeah, we just want to, you know. And if you guys ever split up, will you give him my number? We want to go out with him. Thank you for the call, Savannah! Thanks, Savannah. Thank you, guys.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 79 called Mama's Boys with Even Pam. That episode came out on May 16th and it is the second call from that episode. Enjoy the follow-up. Good afternoon, boys. How we doing? Can I take a guess? Let me hear it. Golf? That

That's it, baby. Beautiful. Way to go, Jake. He knows that, baby. You know it too, Gareth. I mean, the baby's back. Let's go. What happened with the tournament? Okay, wait. Why don't you tell us your name and why don't you just real quickly reestablish what was going on. He needed to win a tournament, but he didn't want to practice at golf. Yeah, so he had to go up with ways for him to actually win.

And it was something about your mother. Yeah. Nino, of course. And your mother, uh, sews the winner on a jacket and you wanted that jacket. Is that right? Nino? That's it. You got it. All right. Okay. So Nino, what advice did we finally give that you were going to take about how you were going to win a golf tournament without getting any better at golf? Where did we end up on?

So to start a little drama between the two boys ahead of me, with one of them. Yeah, right. Coming with an aggressive Rodney Dangerfield attitude slash attire.

and really attract the boys on the group. Oh, yeah? Let's dance. Yeah. And then keep giving them drinks and try to counter mine with a couple of waters and white claws along the way. That's what I'm telling you, Nino. Are we talking to a champion? We are unfortunately not talking to a champion. However, I have exceeded my third place, and I comfortably sat in second at the end of the tournament. Wow. First time for that.

Walk us through how the hell that happened. Yeah.

Well, the two boys that we thought were the top of the – we took care of them, and then there was a – Did you kill them? A little silent assassin we didn't plan for. Nino, Nino, Nino. Nino, you jumped. You jumped. How did you take care of them? They're in the Hudson River. They're dead? Nino. We don't want to talk about it. We beat them pretty solid, and then there was a silent assassin. So you just beat them at golf? Yes.

I bought a lot of alcohol too. So tell me what, in terms of what plans you did, walk us through what happened. Don't feel like you got to rush to the end. So the weekend starts. Talk about what plans you put in and how they went, please. So I was going with the drama between the two of them to start. However, on the first round, it was the two of them, myself and my father.

And I started with a little, you know, Jay said, your driver really has been showing up lately. And Jay just looks at Mark and goes, I never said that. So that fell apart like a whole two. I love that. Any drama? They're like, no. I just, I backpedaled. I didn't expect that. And I was...

That was gone real quick. By the way, that's a nice lesson to the audience. The way to handle drama is just if somebody's trying to start shit, just go to the other person and go like, that didn't happen, right? I also think in our plan it was like you're supposed to whisper it to the one. You don't do it in front of everybody. Yeah, you're not like... I guess I thought that was... That's kind of how it started.

But it didn't work. Okay. All right. Okay. And then we went for the booze. We buying rounds at the turn, flagging the cock girl down. I'd grab a drink for myself. Pressure water at the same time. Maybe keep going. Work great for day one. Jake, you want to say it or you want me to know? You go ahead. What's great is.

Our advice was you don't drink and you swap it for water. And what you took from it was every drink. I also have a water. Well, that's also the part of the problem for round two. I kind of had to go to the bathroom with the waters. And then I was fine. Yeah. You know, the plan, you know, the plan. Remember the plan? The plan was that you, you rope a dopam.

I don't know. I told myself. I told myself. Yeah.

It was, yeah, that plan kind of just, I thought, oh, well, I'll just get drunk, and we did. Okay. All right. So the drama didn't work. You did it in front of them. You said, like, the driver's not working. They both go, no, that didn't happen. You went abort. Then rather than you get them drunk. You had one water. You had one water, forgot to drink the water, and everybody got drunk. Okay. Yeah, that's accurate. Okay.

And then did you do anything with Rodney Dangerfield? I came in pretty hot on day two with the exaggerated outfit.

to a flaw. Well, I didn't think so. I thought I killed it. Wasn't well received by all. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm showing the picture. This is not Rodney Dino. No, no, no, it's not. I went a different route a little bit. You had a pajama outfit with dress shoes. It looks like a three-year-old got a beard and got to go golf. What do you see there? What do you like about it, Nino?

Well, it was easy to figure out what I was wearing that day. It all matched. Okay, so... I mean, he's wearing a short-sleeve, matching pair of shorts, rubber ducky ensemble to a golf course. So day two, you're... By the way, drinking. Drinking hand-to-hand. So everybody's getting drunk. You're in that outfit.

I'm still wondering how we get to number two in this tournament. Yeah. I think the other boys just kind of fell apart, and I took advantage of it on the day one when I was washing out with waters. Got a nice little early lead, and then started trotting away from there. Well, here's what's good. We can't consider this one a win for us. No, it's not. Okay. He didn't win. We didn't win. But here's what's amazing, and I will say, we could have won. We really could have won.

If I just think if Nino had stuck to the full on drink swap, we could have won. But we again, what we love about him is is that he is kind of only a quarter did our plan. But I think if we if he had fully stuck to the system, we would we would I mean, we were already in striking distance. You're not wrong, Nino. Fuck, man. We got the second place in this tournament.

by getting drunk still. We didn't even really do much. We just drank two waters. Yeah, that's accurate. My mom's still disappointed in me too, so it's definitely not a win anywhere. But look, nobody is mad at second place.

But I think next year you have to execute the water swap. We got to get a championship. I think that's right. I think we need to, okay, we did it this year. We learned maybe that we actually could do this. Yes.

So this is a, but Garrett, this is a win because guess what? Nino, we got it. We took a big step toward the championship. You go back to like the, the early bulls or any great dynasty. They never win the first big year. They always get knocked off in like the Eastern conference finals and it's all intense and you hate the rival. Then the next year you make a big adjustment.

It's like the Packers. So this was, you went from nothing, you said you were not even close to winning, to you snuck in second place. Second place. I did. How far out of first were you? How far? A buddy came out of nowhere that we didn't know was coming, who is very good and

booze and being obnoxious didn't really take him out of his stride. Well, here's what I think we do, Jake, and you tell me what you think about this. I think, look, we don't need to make any active moves right now. I think we schedule another follow-up two months ahead of next year's tournament, and we see what kind of shenanigans we can pull. And some of the shenanigans might just be Pep talking Nino into actually just sticking to the water plan for a day or two. I think that's right. That's accurate.

I like that. We can work with that. It feels like we made the refresher. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe I will have enough time for a lesson or two along the way. Couldn't hurt. I think that makes sense. Nino, we appreciate the call. You're a lot of fun, and we're excited for next year. Congrats on the outfit. Thank you, gentlemen. Thanks, buddy. Looking forward to talking to you. Have a good one, boys. All right, bud. Thanks. Bye.

Hey, everyone. The original call from this follow-up is from episode 80 on May 20th. It is the second call from that episode, which is called Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield. So if you want to listen to that original episode as a quick refresher, go for it. Hi. Hi.

Okay, welcome to America's number one podcast. We're here to help. How are you doing? I'm good. You got Jake Johnson. You got Gareth Reynolds. You got Heartthrob. KB. By the way, Kevin weighed in yesterday. He's three pounds lighter. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What is your name? Where are you calling from? What's your age, please? My name is Sarah. I'm calling from Utah, and I'm 23. Okay.

Beautiful state. But we don't want to do the local stuff. What's going on, Sarah? What can we help you with? So this is an update. Ooh. Ooh. Cheeky. Yes. I don't know if you remember, but I lied to my husband's little cousin about not giving away my leopard gecko. Oh, yeah. The gecko. You say yes. Yes.

Of course. This one was genuinely stressful. Yeah. So, Sarah, remind everybody of the details of your story, what our advice was, and where we're at. So, the details of my story was I got a leopard gecko. I told my husband's little cousin that he could watch it while it was gone. He got really excited, started breeding roaches to give it. I got rid of the gecko, and when...

The little cousin asked me when I was going to drop it off. I just said, I leave on the 20th and didn't tell him I had gotten rid of it. So we came up with buying him one. I didn't want to be out $300. So I wanted to make sure his parents would want to buy it off of me first.

Didn't Garrett say something weird like create a puppet of one or something? Don't sound like me. A doll. Yes. Is that right? Sarah, keep going. It's weird when I hear my pitches back and I'm passing. The other option was just to tell him it died, which we both felt really weird about. Oh, no honesty. Of course not. So what I tried to do, what we landed on was I was going to see if the parents would want to buy me

the gecko off of me and then I would buy another one and then just transport it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I did. I texted them. I said, hey, I'm thinking about getting rid of the gecko. Would you like to buy it off me now? And they said, well, we think we're probably going to wait till like his birthday before we get one, which isn't till like December. So me not wanting to be out $300 and not wanting to have a gecko, I decided to go with it died, which was probably a

a little bit sussy after I actually

ask them if they wanted to buy it from me. By the way, Sarah, not a little bit suspect. You said, do you want to buy it from me for $300? They go, we're going to wait. And you go, well, either way, it died. Did you leave any time? How quickly did you say it died after that initial conversation? Gareth, they didn't even finish talking. Because that's why. They stepped on each other like you and me do. She goes, they go. Both have the little dots. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

They go, so it's currently still, we're not interested until the, died, it died. It's dead.

Well, I just checked anyway and it's dead. So it's irrelevant. So how long, Sarah? What happened? Walk us through it. It's a good question. Well, I called you guys like a week before I left or two weeks before I left. So I asked them if they wanted to buy it because I went to look at the geckos and get all the set up. So I texted them weeks before and then they said no. Then I have an avoided personality. So I didn't.

I didn't tell them it died till the night before. Oh, you waited till the night before? Sarah, you should have called back. Yeah, you needed us. The night before is a crazy move to the little cousin. I was just going to say, it's as far as... Santa died on Christmas Eve. That's exactly what I was thinking. Exactly.

That's literally saying, like, how do I tell the kids about the tooth fairy? And you go, really bad news. And they go, like, I put my tooth under the pillow. And you go, tooth fairy died. Died. I just saw the body. It was tiny. It's gone. It's gone. But it was a brutal death. Didn't die of natural causes. So your teeth are now just nothing. Nothing.

Sarah, can I show the screenshot of the text exchange? We'll blur the number out. It's so funny. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah. He definitely didn't believe it. Okay, let's see. Jake, you want to read it or you want me to read it? You read it, please. All right, so here we go. Hey, this is Sarah. Sadly, my gecko passed away last night, so I won't be able to watch him this week while we're away.

Oh, no. So sad. Yeah, she ate some of her substrate and got impacted. And then no reply. Well, that's a common way leopard geckos die. So I was trying to, like, give a reason. So, Sarah, one thing here on this, because that was a great excuse. You didn't just say died how, I don't know, heart attack.

You gave a very good way these things die. They never responded. No, no, not good. Never. But later that day, I get a text from my mother-in-law saying, oh, I heard about your gecko and I'm so sorry. I'm sharing the screen on this too, Sarah. Oh, my Lord. Okay. So here's another text exchange. Two people on this one.

This one is from the mother. The mother-in-law, yeah. I'm so sorry to hear about your gecko, lizard emoji, and then a picture of flowers, which I guess is as nice as getting flowers. And then I believe you...

It's my husband. And then your husband, the hero, comes in and writes sad, sad day, crying face emoji. Sad, sad day. Like it's D-Day. I think Sarah did a really good job. And maybe I'm reading this wrong. Maybe you guys. Yeah, I feel like they buy it and it's over. And the reason the family didn't write back is they got to deal with, you know, little cousins. They go like, fuck. All right.

He's so excited about this goddamn gecko. Then they're thinking, we got to go buy a lizard. So I don't think they were thinking, what a terrible lie. They said like, God damn, this little lizard died on the worst day possible. Then mother-in-law wrote, the only question I have about the family, and maybe this is a Utah thing, but is sending flowers a pick of them the same as actually sending flowers nowadays? If so, that's insane. I will send a JPEG of photos to everybody I know and then get credit for it.

That'd be great. That'd be great. If you could do that with any present. Yes. Just be like motorcycle. Do you love it? Yeah. Hey, my man, I got you an Xbox. I sent you the photo. I sent you a photo of everything in my room.

So, but Sarah, where are we at? Did you win? Did you lose? This is a heck of an update, but I don't know to celebrate or feel bad for you. Well, what is your vibe, Sarah? Do you feel like you got away with it? Well, I haven't seen them in person yet. The dot, dot, dots really threw me off. Oh, what do you mean? They started to and then stopped?

well no the in the text if they said oh no so sad fine but they did oh no dot dot dot yeah they did like uh oh no but so what is what is that dot dot dot what is that well there wasn't a question marker so what does that mean will you read the problem text punctuation i know it's so hard to read but i to me it's a little more like okay it's like that yeah

That's what you think so too, Sarah? Yeah, yeah. Oh, because my response... But I overthink everything. My response, because I do really wild punctuation in my text sometimes. I'll do a dot, dot, dot before the word. Sometimes I'll do like a hyphen, hyphen. Yeah. But what are you trying to say with a dot, dot, dot before the word? Not thinking about it, my man. Just the fingers are going fast. You know what I mean? Okay, well, that's weird. No, the dot, dot, dot is...

a pause to me so it'd be like so sad dot dot dot tough day you know it's like basically you're writing a script and you're like parenthetical beat here's here's what i think you would want to read this is what you'd want to read oh no exclamation point that's terrible period

No worries, obviously. You're right. We just hope that you're okay, exclamation point. Sarah, how old is the person who put the dot, dot, dots? Has to be like 50. Okay, then you're in the clear. By the way, Kevin, I think you might be right. Yeah. I think it's more of just because then they told their parent, like the mother-in-law,

The mother-in-law seems to be believing. She's believing for sure. Look, either way, here we are. I mean, there's not much you can do now. The goose is cooked. Maybe there is, Garth. The gecko's dead. Maybe there is. Whoa. By the way, you just started a new Christmas tradition. The gecko's dead. The goose is cooked. The goose is dead. The gecko's dead. The gecko's dead.

And we got three presents left before Santa dies. So, Sarah, is there anything you're looking for at the end of this? Are you done with this? Do you want one last? You're trying to prove a point. Where are you at? How do we end this? For some reason, I just figured once I told my...

my husband's uncle, that it would just die there. But the fact that he told the rest of the family, I feel like now this is just a lie. I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Yeah. I could guarantee a win here. Are you saying we got a win or you're going to pitch? I'm going to pitch. I love you. Sarah, this is now going to be in your family forever. This happened. This might come up in six years.

So we got to figure out a way to just keep you bulletproof. Come December, you gift the little boy a gecko. Okay. So nobody talks about the one that died mysteriously after you tried to sell one. There's no conversations of like, Sarah's a super weird lady. Well, okay. She's a generous lady. But then I'm out $300 still. You're out $300. Yeah, but guess what? You got to buy him a gift anyhow.

No, I don't. He's my husband's cousin. Well, so here's the thing. Okay. By the way, facts. It seems like you rather... I guess you're comfortable with the situation over spending $300, which is totally fair. I got something. The show will buy the gecko. Whoa. Okay. For $300. Okay. You know what? The show...

We will use some of that goddamn rocket money.com. And what if we bought the gecko for the kid in December? Kevin, you're the dad of the show. Can we buy a gecko? He's not the dad of the show. He's about 20 years younger than us. He's my dad. Stop it.

The dad of the show. You're two decades older than him, Gareth. Jake, first of all, I play young. You know that. Stop it. You do. You look young, too. Stop it. I thought he was our boss. No. He's not our boss. No. Kevin's not our boss. Gareth, the way we look this way is one thing. If you saw us behind, there's just a huge glare in front of our ball. Kevin has a full head of hair, but back here, you and me, it's just bright white, just reflecting the light right there. I thought.

I thought he was our boss. No. If we can't afford a $300 gecko by December, we have bigger problems. So I'm going to say yes, we can. Okay, so then here's how I say we frame it. The way I say we frame it is that you buy it now.

We'll reimburse. Hold on. And you say to them. She doesn't want the gecko all this time. But let's get as much out of it as we can. You say, hey, just so you know, I've been so bereaved over this. I've replaced the gecko. Oh, Gary.

Sarah, come on. Bail me out. Everyone's laughing. The problem is we're still selling our house. The problems why I got rid of the Echo are still very much in my life. Hold on. Cancel the house sale. You're not selling the house. You can eat away in a year. Back to planet Earth. Sarah.

I would say you can bring up to them later talking about November. If you guys in there, or you could say, if you guys are still thinking about it, you know, that could be something that maybe we could get as a gift for them, but it would be, you know, I really miss our gecko. I'm still really sad about it. It'd be nice to have one in the family. You can even send that as a text to them to which they could then even say like, Oh, that's really sweet, but that's okay. Just to really button it up a nice thing and,

End it here. No more gecko talk. What do you think, Sarah? Are we out of line? No, that sounds like a good plan. Are you going to do it? Yeah. I mean, you're getting a free gecko. I'm not trying to be rude, but your attitude for getting a free gecko, you're pretty muted right now.

What I want to see is some fist pumping and some... Well, it's not like we're giving away like a Honda Accord. We're pretty much Oprah with lizards. You get a free gecko. You get a free gecko. Everybody who calls in today, we're getting you a gecko. Oh, God. We're under. We're in the whole $5,000. So, Sarah, will you let us know what happens when you follow up with them? And if you decide to go this route...

we'll get you the money for the gecko. Sounds like a good plan. And the way we're going to do it, we're not just sending you money. We're doing it really weird. You're going to send us the receipt from like geckos.com. Yeah, we're not going to get screwed. You're not going to screw us. And then we really want to know that this gecko is going to this little guy. We want to see the gecko with today's paper, period. We're not idiots.

Now, if you want the free gecko, just take a picture with today's paper. We're not dumbasses. Sarah, we appreciate the call. Thanks for following up. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.