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We are
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a fun episode for you today. Yes, we do. Just you and I again, like we promised, the solos. This is like the acoustics. Go ahead. Kevin, you're telling me to put my headphones on. Why? Yes, there is someone in the waiting room. Okay. At this point, I'm not sure. Are you sure? I have a feeling, but I'm not sure. I do think...
It's weird when Kevin fully dupes us. Yes. Well, Kevin said before, let's do another solo intro. And I said, we've done a few. I think we're out of ideas. Our last one was kind of weird. It might be unusable. And he goes, trust me and put your headphones on. So, ladies and gentlemen, here we are. Kevman, take the lead. Eve, can you hear us? Yes, I can. Mom! Eve, sweet Eve. Hey, Mom, how you doing?
Okay, I'm really kind of sick of hearing your voices, though. Wow. Because I've been listening for days. What a hello. Welcome to the world. Wow. So, Mom, have you really been listening a bunch? Yes, yes. I listened on YouTube by accident. By accident? Well, I was looking for something, and I saw you guys. So I said, why are they on YouTube? And, you know, I just hit it.
but i keep getting the same ones over so mom really fast last time we talked on the phone and i said would you maybe call in it was because you had some notes and the things you told me i said tell this to gareth too but you said we were getting too wild yeah uh you didn't like the guests so the floor is yours mom what are we doing wrong these maybe we'll call these eve's notes i like that i
I think for one, and today for sure, I was 100% positive that Gareth really does the intros 100% better than you do. That's a great note. I mean, Eve, I was a little worried that you were going to come
with some tough notes, but I think that's a great note. Explain what you mean, Mom. You do. Thank you, Eve. What Jake does is when you guys get really crazy, especially with the guests, where I'm like, I feel like my kids are in the back seat. Yeah.
threaten to pinch them if they don't stop yeah and you used to pinch us so hard so eve let me ask you this when i think jake's getting a little too wild do you think if i pinched him that could help i forgot about the fucking pinch she used to go if you just put your hand down it would frighten him we used to be in the back seat this is very 80s and we would all be like doing jokes and she would go like enough and if we wouldn't she would reach her hand back if she grabbed any sort of meat
Don't lie. You weren't doing jokes. You were either picking on Rachel or you and Dan were going, were being so obnoxious. Jokes. It was unbelievable. They weren't, they weren't,
It must have been so distracting when you were trying to drive and have this like sort of little yapping Jake. There was a time that people were passing me and just looking at me. And Jake was in the back seat with a friend of his. And I thought, oh, they're looking at the kids and thinking they're so adorable. And then a woman pulls up next to me and says, those little morons, they're throwing blueberries at every car that goes by.
See, that is very much what it's like trying to do an intro with Jake. So, Mom, first of all, you think... Well, I'm telling you, Han went back there. I don't care, friend or no friend, he got pinched. I bet it was Kent, and you probably pinched him, too. I did. Back in the 80s, parents could kind of hit other kids. You were throwing blueberries at cars. But hold on, Mom, we got to get back to the notes. So, you think I'm bad at intros? When...
When he's better at intros, but you're really good at when you're doing the jokes, especially with guests, you know, you have people on with you that you, Jake, then slows it down and goes back to the guest. So you, you have told me this, you hate when we do too much about us and not the caller. Is that correct?
You usually say what happens, which, you know, I'm like, come on. If you'll ask the guest a question and then you're the people that are on with you start making jokes and all three of you start joking and the person starts to answer, you know, but you guys get off on your tangent of we're so funny. We're so funny. Well,
Well, then Jake is the one that always says, all right, let's get back to like you think Jake does that competently. Yeah. He does that more than you do. Yeah. No, that is bad. Well, by the way, I'm tired from caring him during the intro at that point. I mean, I'm a little. Well, that could be. Yeah. When Derek does the intro, we should focus on the the background.
The people seem really relaxed. Oh, you mean the intro of the show or of To the Caller?
To the caller. Oh, to the caller. Yeah. I agree. I definitely, I think both. I do very well. And so what, what else could you give us notes for the show, mom? Cause we got to get back to the commercials. They're too long. The commercials are too long. And what do you think of Gil Buchanan? I, it took me a couple of shows to know who the fuck he was. Now that you know who he is, what do you think of him? Hey,
Doesn't feel great. Mom, we got to go. But while we have you here, I want you to please give us really fast other notes. Oh, I got one more thing that really you should think about. Okay. You have to bring Kevin in a little more. Really? Nobody's giving that note. Yeah. Why are you just trying to be nice? Cause he helped you technically. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. There was a time, two times he came in and it was funny. I mean, not like, like there was a woman and you know, I can't remember, but,
The woman was saying something and you guys were disagreeing with her. So she went along with you and Kevin came in and said, wait a minute, two minutes ago, you were all against this. It was hysterical. And what's your note to me then mom. Now, mind you, we're trying to make the show better. So you're helping me. I just didn't like the, when you brought somebody in, you don't like the guests. So which, which guests did you not like? You know what? The,
The women are better than the men. I agree. This is my child. You have to remember. You have to remember the collar. I'm going to pinch you. You have to what? You have to remember the collar. Okay. That's all. Remember the collar. Don't. Jake. By the way, Jake's throwing blueberries at Kevin. He even is wild over here right now. All right, Mom, we appreciate you. We're going to let you off the line. Thank you for the note, Steve. Love you, Mom. Bye. Bye. Without further ado.
And hello there, caller. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name, your age of where you're calling from, and I'll memorize all that. Okay. My name is Emily. I am 26, and I'm from Austin. Well, Emily, we're going to get into your problem in a second, but we also do want to tell you we have a very special guest today.
This person has not worked in film or TV. She's not an author, but she is a fantastic woman. She used to enjoy drinking a lot of wine. Not so much anymore. My mother, the beautiful girlfriend, Pam Reynolds is here. Don't say X. Jesus. That's
That's unkind. All right. The on again, off again, the will they, won't they of we're here to help. The Pam and Jake storyline. That's just keeping the audience on fire. Not Jess and Nick, Pam and Jake. Emily, you have my mother, Pam, joining us. So, Pam, do you want to say hi to Emily? Yes. Hello, Emily. Okay, great. Hello. Okay. So, Emily, you know the deal. We're going to help you. Pam's probably going to pitch in. What is going on? What can we help you with today?
So a little bit of backstory to kind of,
Before I get into like the actual problem, I have a very big irrational fear of butterflies that started whenever I was a kid. My mom took me to the Houston butterfly exhibit and one of the butterflies decided to, you know, go for my ear and eat, you know, my earwax. And that freaked me out really badly. Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, this isn't real life.
Yes. Oh, my God. Emily, Emily, the butterfly might have gone near your ear. It wasn't attacking your earwax. That's little kid irrational stuff. Yeah, did a professional ever weigh in on the reality of that? Or did it just say it was trying to land on your ear like it was a perch? No, it was the scariest thing. But how old were you when you were attacked by the killer butterfly? Five? I don't know.
I don't know. I want to say between like eight and ten. Did someone confirm that it was after your earwax? Because I, again, I think. I have no idea. Okay, so I think. I have no idea. It's just terrifying. Basically, a butterfly went on your ear, Emily. And you have been holding on to this fake reality. But we're not here to shatter that. No, it's not a fake reality.
I don't think they eat earwax. Emily, here's what we're saying. It's not a fake reality that a beautiful butterfly landed on your ear. It might be a fake reality that it attacked your ear and tried to eat the earwax out of you. Yeah, I think he's right. Definitely deny.
Okay. All right. So, you know what, Emily, we're on your team. So when you were younger, you went to Houston and you were attacked by a butterfly. Continue. Yes, I was attacked by a butterfly. But anyway, so my problem is one of my friends from high school is getting married in November in a butterfly atrium. What?
for you. This is a nightmare for you. This is my nightmare, literally. So I'm over here thinking, how the hell am I going to attend this wedding without losing my shit? Okay. So really quickly, just to recap, so Pam is fully with us. I'm with us in the audiences. Emily, you're 26. When you were eight, you were attacked by a beautiful butterfly.
You avoid that to eat your brain, tried to eat your brain. You've avoided them when they're around. You are not afraid to move away from them. This is a as real of a fear to you as like a shark in the ocean. Is that correct? Yes. OK. Your friend is getting married. Is it an important friend? Yes. We have been friends for over 10 years. So you have to go to the wedding. What's the friend's name?
Sarah. Sarah. So Sarah's getting married. You cannot be the psychopath and not go because of butterflies. But they're getting married in the home of your enemy. A bunch of butterflies. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, I hear you. I mean, there's going to be a lot of butterflies inside of this place. Everywhere. And there's going to be a moment where the people who cater and host this event puts a little fan on to get those little fuckers flying. Yes. Because everybody's doing this for the gram. Yep.
And they want all those colors around you guys. So your enemy is going to be everywhere. Yeah. My first piece of advice, clean your ears. I think we're done. I think we're done. Clean your ears. Thank you so much for the call. Do not. Yeah. I mean, you don't want to. Yeah. You're just like, come on. You do not want to tempt them. And so, Sarah, will you put into your. I'm sorry, Emily. Will you put into your words what your exact question is now that we got a setup of this?
Yes, my exact question is, how am I going to sit through this beautiful ceremony without losing my shit? Yes, understood. Well, it's hard. Do you have any phobias, Pam? I don't even know if you do. No, but I did want to say something to Emily. I think she'll be quite pleased about this. When I was little, this is really horrid. I don't know whether even Garfield knows this, but I used to trap butterflies in a fishnet.
And then I would pin them on a board. So I punished the butterflies on your behalf, Emily. So I'm quite happy to hear this. I'll tell you the weirdest part of that story is it's made our affair even hotter. What are you talking about? I don't know. But all of a sudden the idea is you torturing and pinning a beautiful little butterfly. Pin me back, Shazzy. Yay!
Sweez on my wings. I'm trapped, Mama. Leave this weird-bodied toddler alone. I want to pin through my heart. What? I want to pin through my heart. But what I feel, Emily, is that I've punished butterflies for you on my behalf. Why would you do that? On your behalf.
I don't know. Were you studying them or you were just sadistic? No, I was just sadistic. She also used to eat dog biscuits. I did. The pink ones. Again. Jake, shut up. Ruff, ruff. Christ.
This doesn't help you, Emily. So we need to solve your problem. And I think to you, this is so real. And it's and it's. Do you believe that the butterfly was eating her earwax? I believe Emily believes that. And I think that's a very political way of. So here's where it actually it actually happened. And it sounded like squelching.
So Emily, we're not going to go deep into the world of when a butterfly landed on your ear because we're going to just believe you. It's like a Batman villain origin story. Yes, but here's what I will say. There's a lot of these fears. I worked with a woman who was afraid of bananas. Oh.
my mother's taking that very i like you i bet you like her how does that even happen well emily the way the way you're judging her yeah is possibly the way others might be judging you i gotta say i love the color on emily right now i'm like what a weirdo but here's what i'm gonna say here's what i'm gonna say emily
When we got to the job, it was a movie. We were actually in London, and she was in the hair and makeup trailer, and we all had a talking to from the head of the department saying, could you guys please agree and no one brings bananas in the trailer? And knowing me, I was like, I won't push on this, but I have to ask her. Yes. And she said she has no idea why, but when she sees a banana,
It's the same as if another sees like a serial killer. So she's like, I can't go to the fruit section of grocery store. Yes. And so what's it like? But so the reality is at first I was laughing and then she had a great sense of humor about it. And she's like, but the truth is it's very real.
So then when we got to know each other more as buds, she's like, I hear why you're laughing and I get it. But this shit is real. So there are there are also clips on like Maury where someone's like, I'm afraid of pickles and someone chases them with a best clip. It's a great clip. More is a piece of shit. But those are the best clips. They did it for a reason. So I'm going to actually pitch and I'm going to it's going to seem like a bit, but it's where I was going either either way. Exposure therapy. Yeah, I'm going to call that the Maury.
Okay. So Emily, here's what I think you got to do before this wedding. You got to get yourself around a bunch of butterflies. A lot. Not a bad call. And you got to find an environment. You have to go to this atrium by yourself.
And you got to maybe bring a bottle of booze with you, get a little whiskey drunk and walk in there and let these creatures come around you. And if you panic, leave and go back. But do it alone. Nobody needs to see this display of insanity from you. Garth? I think that's pretty good. I think so. Just to be clear, the wedding is also in Austin at the atrium, correct? Houston? No, it's in it's in Dallas. Oh, okay.
at this place called Texas Discovery Garden. Okay. I was thinking my initial gut reaction was like, all right, before this wedding, I'm either going to take some Xanax or get a little drunk beforehand and just like, you know,
I think that's a good idea. I think having a cocktail or two is not a bad idea. I would also call them and say you're calling on behalf of your daughter who you're bringing to the wedding just to cover your tracks. And you could say, she has this fear. Is she going to be okay? Do the butterflies attack ears? Is there anything I could say to assuage the fears of my daughter? That's the first prong. The second prong is you're a little lucky because...
in wedding fashion or attire, you're okay to kind of wear a little bit of a mesh over your face. So you can kind of veil it up. So I would wear an outfit... You're not allowed to wear a mesh net. You're allowed to wear a little veil-y thing? No, the bride is. No, but you're allowed as an attendant. You can have a little mesh-y thing, right? No. All right, wear a beekeeper outfit, okay? If you don't want my advice, don't call... Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm getting hot. My mother's here. So, Emily...
There's the idea of Xanax and alcohol before. That's not a solution. That's just a wedding. And I wouldn't go with both. It's a terrible solution. But I also don't think it's problematic. I would say for sure have a couple of cocktails.
Oh, definitely. I would maybe have a Zanny. I think, listen, if you need it, have it on hand. Yeah. Right. And consider it like going into your cocoon and you're going to come out on the other side, a beautiful butterfly ready to party in an atrium. But Garth, we have not given enough pitches. I was I think. Well, where's my notebook? First of all.
You're noticing an issue. I'm not your dad. Get your own information about it for me. Get your own dad. Get your own dad. Well, you try. I might be Pam's daddy, but I'm not your dad. Jesus Christ. Stop. I like my mesh pitch. I will say that. You know what you could also do if you wanted is you could probably is the whole is the after party. The after party is I could be at the atrium. The after party somewhere else. Right.
No, no. So I think it's just for the reception or not the reception, the ceremony. I bet you could find a way to. No, you got to go to the reception. So, Emily, I hear where you're going, but you got to go to 10 year friend. So what are you what are you really afraid of? Let's talk this out for a second and let's do what Eve says I'm good at. Let's get back to the call. Good. So, Emily, walk us through and don't try to be funny. Try to be real.
What are your fears? And this is something that Dr. Phil would do on his show. Emily, what do you think is going to happen?
It's not like what I think is going to happen. It's that every single time I'm around a butterfly, my initial gut instinct is to run as far away as fast as I can. Okay. Just to get away from them. Okay, so Emily. Because it's like the flutter. Okay. Uh-huh. You don't have to go back there. I can hear you're already kind of getting a little. All right. So Emily, tell us. Goddamn fluttering. Let's go back to you for a little bit. Flutter. What else is really scary about a butterfly? The flutter?
I don't know. Their long mouth, their eyes. I don't know. It's just, for some reason, it just freaks me out. I just don't like them. But I can see pictures of them, and that's fine. So walk us through, okay? It's the wedding night. You're in a dress. You sit down. You look up. You see a bunch of butterflies everywhere.
Yeah. Where are you at now? I am internally trying not to scream and run. Okay. And then the butterflies start flying around because a fan comes on and there's a bunch of butterflies. Let's say 5,000. He started with a big number, by the way. That's way too many. No, Emily, you can't determine how many butterflies. There are 5,000 butterflies flying above your head. I want you to close your eyes right now. We're going to do a little session here. Will you do me a favor and actually close your eyes?
Yes, they are closed. Now I want you to take a deep breath in and out, in and out. You are at the reception, Emily. A bunch of your friends are there. Your dear friend, Sarah is getting married. You look up.
There are 10,000 butterflies. Hold on. Sorry. That was immature. They had some babies. They had some babies. There are 10,000 fucking butterflies everywhere.
Now, Emily, I want you to look up at the butterflies and in your head say, you're just a beautiful creature on planet Earth and you don't attack anything. You don't kill anything. You eat nothing but like pollen, probably. Yeah, you're flower bait. You are harmless and your wings are gorgeous. Would you say that to the butterflies out loud, maybe?
I would say that to the butterflies, but then I would also be like, you can be beautiful and gorgeous over there away from me. No, the butterflies are coming close to you. I want you to imagine a six foot butterfly right now. Oh boy. Walking up to you. Hello.
Oh, that's what we're going to do. All right. So this is real now, Emily. Keep your eyes closed. Now, Emily, I want you to do this sincerely. I don't know if it's going to work, but let's go. We might. I want you to have a real conversation now with your eyes closed. Picture a real butterfly. What colors are its wings? Blue. Blue. Right. What other colors are there? Um.
I guess like some yellows. Okay. Do you really, is it, what do its eyes look like? Is it scary? If it's a six foot butterfly, absolutely. They're pretty big. Okay. So then now I want you to take that six foot butterfly and make it tiny, like the size of a butterfly. Okay. Can you now see it? It's still blue and yellow. It's got the big mouth though. Can you, can you visualize that butterfly a hundred percent?
Mm-hmm. Okay, now next to it, put another butterfly. And that butterfly is the first butterfly's mother. Can you see that one? Yes. What does that butterfly look like? The same color, I guess. Okay, cute. So it's a mother. I like that. Now, I want you to tell that butterfly and its mother that you're afraid of them. Okay. I think both butterflies should obviously have an English accent, no? Of course. Okay, so...
Emily, I would like you to express your fears to these butterflies. All right. And please be honest with us because we're going to get to the other side. Don't worry about our feelings. What's going on? I see how beautiful and harmless you are, but I am unfortunately afraid of you. But Emily, we mean you no harm, darling.
I'm aware of this. It's just the movements and it's just, I'm terrified, irrationally terrified of you. But you've come here for a ceremony and we're also a bit terrified of your movements and your gesticulations down on the ground. We're not so different, us.
But I promise you, it's all right. Right, Mum? Yes, yes. Go on, say a little more to Emily. She's freaking... No, please don't worry. Yeah, don't worry. Put the fucking mic next to your fucking mouth then, Mum. Shut up. Don't be so rude. No, we're having a conversation. I'm the fucking butterfly's dad now. Oh, God. Where are you from? I'm your stepdad, son. And I'm the fucking butterfly that Emily should be afraid of. What are you doing? God.
I'll whoop your fucking little ass if you talk to my fucking sweet... You're messing up the... Go away. Fuck, Emily. Stop. I'll eat her fucking earwax out and I'll fucking eat your brain out, son. Remember when you started? What was it about? Put the mic in front of her face. Dear, are you all right? I'm all right, thank you very much. He talks to you like that again. I'm going to whoop his fucking ass. Emily, I'm not sure when it's... Thank you. This is what I have to put up
with now that i'm here now that i'm here and i'm your fucking man you'll never put up with it again i don't know where you're from i'll wrangle his fucking neck off i'll pop it off i think australia yeah you might be very close i think we need to pin him on a board i would love to be pinned on your board and maybe i'll pin you back i'll have two fosters
You can pin me and I'll pin you. Sass loves me. I think so too, dear. Come on, wait. All right, Emily, Emily. Let's get rid of the fucking boy. I'll kill Emily. I'll eat her brains out. I've got my pins. Oh, baby, I've got my pins. Jake, Jake. But I bet your pins are sharper. Jake, Jake, Pam. Okay, all right, Emily, Jake, Jake. Whoa, that's some method acting, Pam. Anything helped or happened there? Emily, where are you at? Was that helpful? Jake, Jake.
Stop shifting. I was wondering if I could just say something that I thought might help Emily. And as I'm in America and I listen to Jake, I think that, do you think maybe some, just a little session of counseling? And while I've been watching the television here, I think you can phone people.
That's this podcast. You're pitching to her this exact show. She means real. I mean real once, and she could perhaps have an hour or half an hour twice before the wedding to see if that would help her. So, Emily, this is the first time our advice to you is going to be go to a real therapist.
I think your advice, I think honestly out of all of it, I think Jake's advice is the best advice. Which is? I would go to an atrium. I would go to one. I would get it out of the way. It's almost like before you go do a big show as a stand-up, you got to go hit a couple open mics. I would go there, get the butterflies out, and...
and go and experience it. Get that sensory overload out of the way once or twice. That's right. And then go to the actual wedding. You'll find a lot more comfort. Emily, considering you have to go to the wedding and you're going to have to deal with this.
Will you do us a favor and just do a practice run? I like that. Where you actually go to an atrium, bring one friend with you. Yeah. Literally for that. Maybe a friend who's going to go to the wedding. Yes. And take two Xanax. Sure. So just so you're around them, tell the people who work there so they can put one of them on your hand. And will you actually do me a favor and think of Pam's voice?
Every time you see a butterfly. Block out, Jake. So, Pam, will you just say really quickly, Emily, you're safe and I love you. Emily, you're safe and I love you. Now, every time you see a butterfly, will you think of that voice, Emily?
Yes, I will, because that is a very nice and comforting. And every butterfly on planet Earth. Make sure you've got clean ears as well. But every butterfly sounds like Pam, OK? Or just take a cork board with one pinned on it and show it to the others and say, if the rest of you get out of line, this is what happens. Emily, will you do us a favor? And as much as it's gauche, will you film yourself being around these butterflies for the first time for us? Oh, please, please.
I will. I will definitely film it. Oh, please actually do that. Please go to the internet and have your friend film you. I'll film it. I'll film it and I'll tag you guys. Last but not least, we're going to leave on this, but Pam, could you send Emily out as a butterfly with some parting words? I will. I will. Emily, I...
I love you and I wouldn't hurt you. And my wings are just so beautiful and fluttery. And I'm so attracted to you just to make you feel comfortable. Pam, I feel the same way about you. All right, we got to go, Emily. Thanks so much. Good luck, Emily. Your wings are so beautiful and I'm so attracted. Take care, Emily. Thanks a lot. We'll see you later. Bye, Jake. Bye, Jake. See you later, Jake.
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Good afternoon, gentlemen. How we doing? Wow, this is, is this the best I've ever heard a guy start? It feels like we're called in his podcast. Good start. Sir, who are you and where are you calling from? This is Nino from just outside of Boston. This is exactly where I would have said, if you had said to me, guess where this guy's from, with the way it started, I'd have been like right around that zone.
Nino? I get that. Nino. N-I-N-O. All right. All right, Nino. Well, you know the deal. We're here to help. You got a problem. What is happening? All right, boys. I think this is a pretty easy one. Every year, my father hosts a giant golf tournament for about 16 guys, and we always went to North Carolina. This year is the first year we're going to Tampa. I always end the tournament right around fourth, maybe fifth place. My brother has won it at least three times.
I've never broken third. Now that we're going to Tampa, I'd really like to kind of earn a higher spot. We leave in May, so I don't have any time to take any lessons. And the kicker is my mom stitches initials of the winner on the sleeve of a jacket after every victory, and she's let me know every year that I'm nowhere near the top. Okay. If I may just...
If he's trying to get us to get him to win this, I'm already like. I also like that he said this is an easy one. And then he's already been like, there's no time for lessons. Anyway, I got to come in first. So I guess our pitch is, Nina, you got to murder everybody above you. Cut up your brother's arm. Yeah, you have to injure everybody. All right, so keep going. So your mother does the initials. You always come in fourth or fifth. Your brother always wins. You never broke in third, and you're looking for a better seat.
Yeah, I want to know, besides cheating, how can I earn a higher spot in the squad? Kevin, are you trying to make it impossible for us? I love this one. Nino, let me ask you this. Do you think there's anything the two guys, I mean, I think, have we ever golfed together? No. I think maybe we played the par 3 once.
We're not good. Yeah. No, but hold on, Nino. Let's go back to you for a second. Cause you're a funny guy. You have a good take on this. Talk to me. Uh, what kind of world are you thinking? So it's a heck of a setup. Uh, and I'm with you, but when you said this should be easy in your head, what kind of ideas that you have that we can maybe pitch on your, yeah. And that we can maybe pitch on your pitches.
The initial thought was I wasn't going to get any golf advice from you two. Right. Right. So I wasn't looking for that. I was looking at, this is a long weekend. We go, we get there Thursday. We come home Sunday. Okay. I'm seeing why I got a, I can ship away at him. Is it taking them out a little extra for a few beers at the end of dinner? Yeah. I'm getting tired, but that's, I mean, we get some big boys from Houston coming up. I don't think that does it. I understand what you're saying. So you know what it could be. And I don't know this group.
And I don't know if this is going to work, Nino. I don't even know if it's a good pitch. But I'm just starting the ball rolling. But, Nino, don't get quiet here. You're the third guy. We need your help on this. What if you created some sort of fake drama between the guys at the top and you added a layer of pressure? Like you say to somebody like your brother. Who's number two mostly? Number two would be my buddy Jay. Those two fist fight for top. So you say to your brother,
Hey, real talk, Jay's been talking a lot of shit about you. He says you're a chokemeister. He said you're not as good. And he said there's no way your game is going to translate down to Tampa. Then you say to Jay, you go to Jay and you go,
I got to be honest with you. My brother was making fun of you. He said that. Pitting everyone. Yeah. And so you add something I did during frizzball days. Yeah. Yes. When another team gets hot, you just have to turn up the temperature, Nino. You're the best guy at this. And here's why, Nino. Skill-wise, you're at a four or five. Incredibly average. Yeah, average. But we're not talking about professional golf players. You know what they can't do?
They can't play great when pressure's on. So every single moment you start saying to them, hey, Jay, my brother says there's no way you're hitting an eagle here. Every time there's a putt, you go like this. Hey, to your brother, how much you want to bet he misses it? So every, and no one's paying attention to you because you got them all battling each other and you're just quietly fucking hitting the ball. But they have put in their game
into a pressure cooker, so maybe they all take a step down. How do you think of that as a start? I think that's a perfect sign. Regardless of what we come up with next, that's what we're leading with. To be fair, Nino, and God love you, but to be fair, that's the only pitch so far, so we would have to be leading with it. But I like that you're a great guy. I'm a ninja. I like that. I think there's definitely a mind game there.
My first thought was off of what you said. Get them fucking hung over. But let me ask you this. Do you guys drink while you're golfing?
Very much so. Okay, so I think let's lean into that game a little bit. I mean, you have the great inebriator. You're Boston guys. You're in Tampa. I think you've got to just get everyone more drunk, and you fake drink a little bit. He's got some big boys down from Houston coming. But I think instead of hungover, let's actively get more intoxicated for the actual game. I got another pitch, Nino, and this is getting weird.
Good start. Let's go. Let's hear it. The top four guys, can you steal their clubs? Or fuck with them a little? No. Okay. Because here's what I was going to say. You could return them after, but if they're using club clubs and they go like, I never even used this driver. Should have kept a better eye on your stuff. I like that. You know, just the idea of or...
You just do something. You replace their balls with weird ones. You find like a you find that you get online and you find like golf balls. Yeah. Tees that snap easier. So that you just you go like you start looking at you, Luke, go to all their clubs at night and you put like a weird oil on them. Yeah. Just so that when they hit, they go like, what is happening? Or what if you found a way? What if you this is crazy?
But what if you like hired someone to follow you guys around the course and shout Baba Booey before someone swung? Oh, I have an idea. Hire someone. What do you guys do? Are you guys in Tampa during like in the middle of May? No. It might be touring. I'm not. No, I will not be anywhere near there. I got something. By design.
I got something and it's a real weird one and you might just be the guy to pull it off. Okay. This is what we're looking for, boys. So supportive. There's like, I feel like I could be like, you know, put poo in your hand and throw it at your brother and be like, hey, I like that we got some ideas up on the board. You know what I would like? You know how we have the lady with Gareth puns who goes, oh boy. After every good one, I would love Nino's. I like where we're going with this one, boys. I like where we're going with this one.
anything we're gonna have to stab your brother like he's caesar i like i like i like the beginning of this let's close up so here's what i'm thinking man and this is a real weird play but we're just i like where we're headed but we're just trying to get a victory out of this one right you create you have a girlfriend you got a wife where you at i got a wife yeah okay so you got kids no okay this is good this might work
You start planting the seed. Give us a name for that wife of yours. Alana. Alana. You go like this. The beginning of the tournament. First night drinking. I'm in a shit situation. I was going to pitch something like this. What's going on? And you go, Alana's with another guy. This is great. And they go, you got to be kidding that. And you go, hey, I'm still in love with her. And they go, I've never been lower in my life. I'm a loser. I never win anything.
You plant the seed within them that they, when you're not around, go, do we let the fucking guy win? You know, you've never been lower. The second you make them come up with it, you go, I swear to God, she's fucking this other guy. And then they go, you're leaving her and you go, I'm just a wet noodle. What am I? I'm going to stay. What do I got? And they go, have a little bit of self-respect. And you go, I never went nothing in my life. I'm middle of the road. I'm a fifth place finisher.
So then you leave, your brother goes, Jesus Christ, I don't feel right beating him. They all go, how about we do this? We keep two scores, the real score and the Nino score. When you get the victory, you go, the victory is real. You get the initials and then you tell them later, you go, and I hustled you because golf is a mental game and you guys are mental babies and I just beat you. I like where I'm going with this one. What do you think of that as an idea, Nino?
I think that's a tough one to throw over the fence with the boys. I don't know. I got you. Well, my version of that was going to be that throughout the game, you're escalating the problems. So, again, in this one, you are...
sort of ruining the game to win it because you would be like, oh my God. Yeah. I hired a PI. Yes. They're at a movie together. They're making out in the back and then you go up with full focus and you do your best while your brother's like, man, I feel so bad for my brother. And then, you know, you could say in the middle of it,
I just feel like I haven't won anything. I'm not a loser. I'm a loser. I've always been a loser. Because I'll tell you what. I think bringing home the jacket will really win her over. Yes. But for real. And then you could say partly one of the things she said is you never win anything.
Because what you're trying to get is what you told us from this setup. I'm a loser. Is you're not going to take any golf lessons. No. You don't want to cheat. I mean, you really – it's a pinhole we're trying to thread. You're saying I'm trying to figure out a way to win a golf tournament but not get better at golf? Yeah. Without improving. Without improving. So the only way to do that then is you need to find a way to get the guys who are better than you to let you win. Absolutely.
as an act of kindness to which you then rub in their face and you say, you were kind of the wrong guy. I tricked you for the victory, but I still think the victory counts. You reveal that once you're about to putt the last one. You go, hey, boys, I should let you know a little something. Everything with the wife is perfect. And then you hit a par and you go like this, and I just got mom's initials. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's all you could do. What do you think of that, Nino? Yeah.
My only concern is I've known these boys for a long time and I don't think they give me an inch. It doesn't matter if my wife's cheating or not. They're still going for the jugular boys. Understood. Okay. So then I think we got to lean into drama.
Yeah, I like the drama pitch. And here's why I say that, because it's hard to hit when there's a lot of pressure. Now, do you guys watch each other each hand or each hole? Yeah, if it gets backed up, the group behind will watch whoever's in front of them, definitely. So one of the things we might have to do if the drama thing doesn't work is you just got to get really petty.
And you, everybody who's above you in the ranking, you got to follow them around, talk a lot of shit, have an air horn and just call fouls. I can't do that. And you're not allowed to pick up this. You can't pick that up until you put your ball down. So what do you think? They know we were talking kind of drama, right? We're maybe trying to get everybody drunk, but these are big boys from Houston. They already drink.
I brought up the idea of stealing the clubs, which didn't seem exciting. We talked about this idea of the wife left you that slowly gets revealed that you hired a PI throughout the game. You're saying it's not going to work. We're also talking about the idea of
you know, essentially being the clown on the Apollo. Yep. Whenever they're trying to do something, you're the Sandman. You just, you dress weird. You make weird sounds after you do the, you do the Caddyshack. I was just going to say, if you're the Rod, you show up like Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, you Rodney Dangerfield. You Rodney Dangerfield the game. That's actually a great pitch. You have a radio. Have you seen Caddyshack? You must've. No,
No, come on. Okay. So do you remember when he would like, even he had a speaker in his bag? Yes. So everywhere he went was a little bit of a party. Yeah. What you could do. Anyone want a cocktail? You got to be like that. But I have like that. You should get a free bowl of soup. Oh, looks good on you though. No offense. So yeah.
There's a world where you just Rodney D the weekend. You have to become a force, a personality force. You're a bit like John Daly. Oh, I have an idea too. Yeah. Because here's the catch. We're giving you good pitches for the weekend, but those guys are going to kill you at golf. The Rodney Dangerfield pitch could, if I mean. I have an idea. And this might be the only way you're getting mom's initials, which seems to be the end all.
Yeah. What if you talk to your sweet mommy? You tell her that you're going through a big depression and you really need the initials in the first place. I don't know. With her other son in the mix, I don't think she's... She won't break. She doesn't want to be in cahoots. Gotcha. Well, how about this? Listen. Kevin, what if we got Leah to do it? Yeah. Oh, my wife is a professional embroiderer. Do you want to ship the jacket to us? Yeah.
And what if we just faked it and you showed up with a first place? What if you wear it for the weekend? So it's sort of like you're manifesting. Yes. And you're saying, you're saying, how do I get first place without getting better? Well, you don't. You just say, you know what you do? You just lie and say you're first place. Yes. And you should post about it.
And you should really lean into it. And I also still think I would Rodney Dangerfield it as well. And because you're Rodney. And that involves drinking. Your bag should have a wet bar in it. You should always be like, hey, come on, have a Mai Tai. So what do you think about just pretending you've already won and this is your victory tour? I'm probably going to steal the jacket and rock it at least for the weekend. Yes. No matter where I'm sitting in the leaderboard. And then combine it with a couple other things that you guys pitched.
Is he accepting the last pitch? Because we're offering to make you a faux. Well, it's hard because you would have to send it here. You'd have to get the jacket, send it to Leah, embroider it, and then send it back. Yeah. Yeah. We can do that. We can do that. Hey, Nina, can you get your hands on the jacket? I don't know. I don't know where the jacket is right now. I've never held it. So, you know, we need from you.
We need to, we need you to get the jacket, send it to Kevin. Yeah. And we're just going to embroider that you've won. And that's the way we do this. How do you win a tournament without getting better? You don't. Yeah. You just say you want, I mean, you, the right away you, you told us improvement in your game was not an option. So, so what do you think of that? Nino? Is that in the realm of possibility?
I love it. And if it was realistic, I think I would just put all my chips into that. I just don't know if I can get it. Okay. And then if you can't get it, what are we doing? I think we're building a shit ton of fake drama. Okay. I'm going to get a few G&Ts for the crew. Maybe I'll drink up a little White Claw, kind of keep the pace, but not as aggressive. Okay.
And then really build into the fake drama and then just Rodney. I love it. I think you can also, you also, the fact that you're going through personal drama can justify why you've become Rodney Dangerfield. No, it's not his personal drama. He's creating drama between. Oh, you're doing the shit talk betwixt. I'm going to turn them all against them. And so how are you going to. So I would start that early and I would start the idea that this year in Tampa, the competition's different. And yeah,
everybody is talking a lot of shit so that there's just a real bad vibe in the air between one, two, three, and four. And under four, everybody's having a blast.
I mean, that really you really have to go for it, though. But yeah, that seemed and I would again get him fucking drunk. You stay sober and get them all that. I mean, it's an all hands on deck. If you can't improve your game, if that's not part of this. Here's another possible way, Nina, that I don't think would work, but it could work. Maybe you try to convince everybody that winning doesn't matter.
And that the fun of these tournaments is getting wasted together. And it's kind of a D bag move to take it too seriously and be like, you know what? We're all kind of talking about. You say it to everybody individually in the top four, you say like the rest of the group is saying like, you're getting too competitive.
And everybody loves you, but you turn it into a fucking asshole. I actually like that a lot. What if night one you do a toast where you talk about something that's maybe not as cliched as the real winning happens off of the course because of this? It's important that we spend this time together growing our bond. This group's not going to buy.
Maybe not. But then I like, I like that followup of being like, each guy being like, you're a bit of a. So I would do this, you know, one-on-one to like your brother. I'd go like, Hey man, just letting you know, like everyone says you're getting to be a bit of a fucking prick. Yeah. And they go, what do you mean? They go, they think you think you're tiger woods out there, man.
Enjoy yourself. Just by the way, say hi to somebody once in a while. Nobody gives a shit about your score. Yeah. And then go like, hey, I know you think you're good, but against real players, you're dog shit. So fucking ask somebody about their personal life for once. You're losing out on people who love you a lot.
And they go like, no, I'm not. I'm doing everything right. And they go, you're so focused on winning, you don't realize you're fucking losing the whole weekend. And then you're out there trying your hardest. And what about this? Because, look, none of this might work. What about if at the very end, the winner, you in front of your buddies...
Put down one bet to see if you can play against them in a one-shot game or something like that for a winner-takes-all shot. You might want to, again, have the wheels greased a little bit by alcohol. But then you say something where you're like, for all the marbles, I'll bet...
You can't hit this there or like a trick shot. So you work on like a trick shot where you're like tapping it or something. Who can hit it the further without it dropping on the ground? You just tee that up for the very end. Make it an intense shit talk. And again, you're fourth or fifth. Nobody's going to be intimidated by you. You might be able to jump up. It gives you your best chance. What do you think?
I like that. Didn't even think of, see, this is why I called you boys. This is what I was looking for. You know, you've been a tough case, but something like that might be the move. So what do you think you, you, I think that, okay, I'm going to go for the, the, the drama and the excessive drinking. Yep. Yes.
If that doesn't work, I'm going to have something in the bag. Yes. What it is yet, I have no idea, but we'll work on it. Well, think about it. You know golf better than us, but think about it and let us know what that's going to be because that could save your weekend. What you have to do, and this is what I do to Gareth on bets. This is true. This is why I said Jake's perfect for this. So what you have to do on that is you don't have to jump everybody. You have to find something with the guy who's number one that's triggering. So what I'll do with Gareth is like,
I'll want to make a big bet about like he wins every year, the dinner and the hundred bucks. So I'm like, how do I recoup? So I know I'm trying to get to a Super Bowl win, which is hard. Even if you're a good team, it's just hard. So you got to have a lot. You have to be better than every other team and play well that game.
So I will start my texts in a kind of basic zone going like, yeah, they're pretty good. They're a lot like the cowboys. They go far. Then he'll go, the bear suck. You're hurt. You're triggered. And I'll keep going. Then we'll be talking about something small and I'll go,
Yeah, I mean, they're fine. They're never going to win a Super Bowl. And he'll go, oh, they could win a Super Bowl with this group. And I go, they won't do it by 2025. And he'll go, they might. And I'll go, I'll put $1,000 they don't. And then he'll go, yeah, man, you never know. And I'll go, money where your mouth is, big boy. And he'll go, I mean, it's a Super Bowl. And I go, I'll put $10,000. They're not going to do it. And then he'll go, fine, $1,000. So if you do that with the first person, what you're betting on, Nino, is you go,
If I do this, which I'm so much better than you, your dog shit at this. I'm so great. I win the weekend. And they go, no, I won the weekend. You go, all right. So you're afraid you don't think you could do this. So you're making them risk the initials. Yes. And then you just got to hit that putt. Yes. And even if you don't, I mean, this is your best shot though. But what you then give yourself with the loss is if I lose, I take off my clothes and I streak the golf course or whatever. Sure. We got to start wrapping up. Nino, what do you think of that, buddy?
I like that. First time there's been a side bet for the jacket. Never happened before in 13 years. Yes, I think that's your best bet, and that's a side bet for the jacket. Yep. Hey, does Gareth really fall for that same setup every year? You know... Yes. With the Super Bowl? Well, every... No, and no. It's not fall. You almost got a tattoo of Brett Favre on your leg, and I almost got nothing. A long time ago. Thanks so much for the call. Love you, boys. Love you. Take care. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This follow-up is from the April 4th episode of the podcast called Rangers Range. It's the first call in the episode. Enjoy. Hello. Hello. I'm sorry, who did you say one second to please? Someone got scolded. Hi, you're on. We're here to help. This is a follow-up call and we heard you say one second off phone and we're just, we kind of want to know who you're talking to please. I'm sorry, one second. Oh, oh, I apologize. Oh, that's okay. But who were you talking to please?
Oh, that was my boss. You one seconded my boss, you bad lady. So this is about a pink slip. One second, Carol. I'm calling a ridiculous call-in podcast with two idiots. I have to let two morons know how it worked out. Turns out you're an emergency room nurse and the doctor is like, Scalpel? What?
One second. Who are you? And what's... Remind us of your situation. We don't know anything. Yes, my name is Elaine, and I'm the one who had the mom that was willing to fight a deer. Oh, yes! And remember, Gareth, we made the...
We made the recording for her mom about the really scary deer. Oh, right. Yes. Mom should not go in the woods. You're a ranger, right? Elaine. Yes. Yes. All right. Walk us through what happened.
So just to be clear, your mother, like what you were worried that your mother had a deer. What did your mother want from a deer? She wants like feed deers and walk around and find antlers and other people are feeding them. And Elaine's job is to keep people away and then her fucking mom's going to do it. So we made a fake kind of news broadcast about how there had been some crazy deer shit going on. Also, now I know why you could say to your boss one second. Yeah.
because it's a bear you're out in the middle of the woods you're like this anything like we all we got is time out here yeah you're living in a tree like a keibler elf um okay elaine so what's up
Yes. So the voice recording totally worked. She fell for it completely. I did some really good. Yeah, I did some really good prep like prior to sending the email. Like I called her a couple of days before and was like, dang, the deer are just crazy right now. Yeah.
And then sent the email and she completely fell for it. She was telling all of her friends. What was she saying? Yeah. That they're just feral deer. Like, they got to look out. They had the crazy deer. The only thing that she was skeptical of was Ranger Rick. Like, you guys used the name Ranger Rick. And apparently that was some character of her childhood. And she was like, really? You guys have a ranger family?
Rick? I was like, yep, sure thing. Interesting. But she bought everything else.
Did you play? I now remember it at the end that we did an extra take where Gareth was really wild. Did you do the first one, Kevin? Did you send her both? No, I think just. OK, OK. You just sent the good. OK, never mind. I was about to question how crazy your mom is. Yeah, because it was like the deer was like a shark or something. All right. So, Elaine, you played this for mom. Mom bought it.
And then what happened during the visit? Yeah, she came out during the visit and it worked, but she was still just hunting more of the woods for the deer shed. So definitely still staying away from the wildlife, but she still is set on finding a deer shed. And I think this worked for this time, like this time around, but I called her last night
And she's still like, no, I think I could fight a deer. I think I could take one. Like maybe next season I'll be doing it. Well, then I'll tell you what's going to happen, Elaine. Is next season we're making another one. And we're now saying that that deer had some babies and there's about eight of them right now. Because what's happening here with your mom and it's a classic situation.
Uh, but this is a, a wound that's too big for a bandaid. So we just threw one thing of gauze on it, taped it up and we held it for this trip, but that dam's going to break. Yep. And next year we got a white whale. I mean, you know, we'll do next time. Maybe it's Kevin.
When we do this again, let's have a special guest on it too. Maybe like Lamar. Oh boy. We'll see how that one goes. And we'll start, maybe Elaine, every year we'll heighten with your mom and see how far we can get away with it until the day breaks. That's hilarious. Every year we will up the stakes of this. I would suggest that in either the next one or the one after Ranger Rick has been ruined and killed by a deer.
That's got to be like the third one. Yeah, yeah. Once we're starting to push it a little bit. And I think, by the way, if we have Lamorne on the second one,
It'll be over. We'll get somebody else on the second one. Okay, yeah. Lamorne will be on the one where the deer attacks us during the broadcast. Right, right. We have to go on with Jillian Bell, too. Jillian Bell. Yeah, right, yeah. Jillian Bell. Oh, man. Elaine, appreciate this follow-up. This is just great. That's great. Such good work in setting her up before. We're glad it worked a little bit on this one. And, I mean, you just...
We threw you an alley-oop and you dunked it. Yep. And we will continue to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Couldn't have done it without you guys. I appreciate it. Couldn't have done it without you. And you couldn't have done it without us. You know what? Of course. Let me get a little bit nature and smart, but this is a symbiotic relationship. Ooh, not parasitic. Yes, Elaine. We both benefit. Big word. Yes, yes. That's what we do here. Yes.
Elaine, you're the best. Thank you. Awesome. Thank you, you guys. Have a great rest of your day. You too, buddy. All right. Bye-bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.
All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.