75: You Are The Danger
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we are i know you're excited garth i am i'm excited kevin just told us

what this episode is going to be. And I got to tell you, folks, we got a banger. It's a winner. This is a fun one. It's a winner. I mean, we don't need to get into it too much, but you're going to get a payoff to the first call in this episode. This is one of the fun ones when the follow up happens right away. And then we have Kevin produced it well. We have like a great production. And God, he's easy on the eyes. And we have a less so or more so since marriage question.

willing to have a debate i like it more i think kevin's handsomer since marriage because he stopped caring he stopped putting it out there as much but i'll say before before he was a little bit more of like a hunter and he had a little bit more of like blood under his nails established yeah now he's kind of like there's a lot of good hunting in these fields and i was like i know but you used to be the hunter

Yeah, there's a calmness to the energy, though, and I'm into that. Kevin, I agree. I hear that, too. I went to the gym for the first time in six months, and I think I'm out for the rest of the week. I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, and I'm like, I'm calling it. And that was Monday morning. Yeah.

So, Gareth, I guess we were both wrong. No, yeah. Maybe he was never hot. Now I'm questioning the idea of this one. 20 minutes, he's out for a week. The people next to me were like, you're not supposed to breathe like that. I'm now imagining a marshmallow in New Balance. Yeah.

he's kind of with like weird shorts on some hair on like the white part of the legs just passing out like i you it's always funny when you see terrible form at the gym like kevin just kind of letting it like work him a little bit like it's also so funny on instagram where you see certain weirdos in the gym doing like really weird where i don't know if you ever go down the road of like it'll be like what's this fool doing oh yeah

It is so funny. The certain maniacs doing gyms. Someone just like uses the barbell as like a sword. And you're like, what?

It's just like that. Nobody. I love Jim maniacs. Oh, just not lunatics. Lou. Absolute lunatic. The other funny thing that's happening right now in Jim culture is the amount of people filming themselves working out. And then the amount of people getting mad at people filming themselves working out.

I'm like, it's becoming this entire battle. Yeah. Well, where would you be on that? To me, I wouldn't be mad either way. I hate the film in the cell. I hate the filming. I hate the filming. I hate the filming. I hate the filming of that. I hate the film. I hate when I watch people film themselves eating. Same. But that's because we're men of a certain age. Because we're right. I'll tell you why. I hate it, but there weren't cell phones until I was deep into college. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, I was like, I remember when so I remember when a friend wanted to bring a cell phone on a road trip and I thought it fundamentally ruined a road trip. Yeah. And I was like, the whole idea of this is based off like the beatniks where you're driving around. If we have a phone, we're

Then we're just geek stick doing errands. Our errands taking us from like Chicago to Cincinnati. Yeah. Kerouac would have written it on his like iPhone. Yes. They all would have been like checking sports scores. You nerds. I was in like eighth grade when the phone came out and I was like, what is this technology? It's crazy. You were not. But we had a great episode. That hurt my feelings when it started. I got to say Garth, that was some good acting. I went like, oh my God.

How old am I? I thought I was like a year older than him. And you're fully aware that you are a year older than me, but you're still about that. But in that moment, my stomach dropped, because this will happen every once in a while. I'll be like hanging out with somebody from our business, and they'll say something, and I'll think we're peers. Yes. And they'll go like, yeah, I mean, what was crazy, man, is like, well, I loved the 90s, but I was born in 91. And I'm like, yeah, you're born? You said born in 91? Right on, because I genuinely remember 91.

Or you drop a reference and they're like, so who's that? You're like, cheers. Cheers was a sitcom. We loved it. Kevin, what'd you wear in the gym? I had a long sleeve Chicago tee and shorts. Wait, you're wearing a long sleeve Chicago tee right now? He hasn't been able to get out of the outfit since Jake. He's been bedridden.

Different long sleeve Chicago T. The thing that what you're talking about really bothered me too was the guy in front of me, in the row in front of me, did like a gym selfie and I realized it too late and it was kind of like catching Bigfoot where I was like, my mouth was like way too open and I was like,

Fat squash. I'm totally in the background just looking disgusting. If someone could make an app that can find you and delete you from other people's photos, I will pay hundreds of dollars. That's a pretty good technology. I also like that he's not going to thousands. He's stuck to hundreds, which I appreciate. It makes him attractive. He knows how to do a budget. Guys, thank you for listening.

All the stuff we ask you every time. We got a Patreon. We're on YouTube. We're on a regular whatever. Thank you for sticking with us. We're nearing 100. Great. And guess what? Let's do something really special for 100. Yeah. Maybe a live episode. Ooh. Maybe 100 is live. We're going live. Fuck it. We're going live. Kevin's face. Oh. Maybe we do 100 weekly.

We do it live. It's like a we pick a night like a weekend night or whatever it is. And we do like a two hour banger. I like that.

Kevin, I like that. But not live. We don't have to go to like a theater. We do it at like HeadGum Live. Yeah, right. Just live for our cause. People can call in. We do multiple calls. I like that. But 100 is a big deal. It is. It's crazy. It's gone very fast. We're going live for 100, folks. We're going live. Without further ado. Hello. Hello. Hey. Hey, welcome to the show. How are you doing today?

I'm doing good. Thanks for having me on. Well, thanks for calling in. We appreciate you. Without you calling in, we don't have a show. We just have me and the Garf Man talking about our outfits from Dewar. Not a bad show, though. Maybe a bad show. Not a great show. Maybe a bad show. A fun conversation. A dewcast. A dewcast. Can we get your name, please? I'm so sorry about that. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Blake. Blake. And where are you calling from, Blake?

I'm in the LA area. Explain, can you go a little bit deeper on that? We've done this before, but are you actually in LA or is this going to be you're outside of San Francisco?

Oh, no, no. I live in Brea. I don't know if you know that area. Brea Improv. Okay. Brea Improv. Yeah, exactly. I live actually real close to that. Do you ever go there? Sometimes, yeah. But the show's not about us. I'll tell you what it is. If you want to know, go to garethrennads.com. You're the best. Brea's a mall. Okay. Well, Blake, what are you calling about? What can we help you with? Okay.

Okay. So this is not serious at all, but I'd be lying if it, if I said it didn't bother me a little bit. So I figured the stakes are high. Thanks for sitting. I want to let you know, this is pretty much nothing. And,

I'm surprised you guys picked me. I also don't think it's that funny, and it'll just waste 18 minutes, but keep talking about your doer jeans, fat boy. I lost a banana. Oh, hold on. If you lost a banana, the first thing you got to do is go look for the banana. All right, Blake, where are we at here, buddy?

Okay, so quick backstory. You know Brea. So right next to the improv is a UFC gym. Respect. And there, it just opened. They offer jujitsu. And I'm someone who's always wanted to try martial arts. So I thought, you know, good opportunity. My wife's been super supportive. She's like the most supportive person I know. So she was like, yeah, go for it. Like she's been down for...

me getting private lessons, dedicating time, that whole thing, you know? Sure. That's not the issue. But the issue is,

And if I'm being honest, I thought doing jujitsu would make people think I'm a bit more badass than I am. Facts. Specifically, my wife and my friends, I thought, you know, they might think I have a little bit like street cred or whatever. You are the danger. Okay. Well, we'll get to why Jake is wrong for this advice. Hold on. If Gareth keeps talking, I'll rip his head off, man. Pop it off. Put him in a rear naked choke. Triangle his arms.

Stop looking at me like... Stop. Stop everything you're doing. Sorry. Yeah. All right, so, Blake, so... That... Your doer shirt looks like a gi to me. I can do a tie that way. Anyhow. There you go. There we go. Didn't you hurt your back stretching at the... Many times. Okay, Blake. No reason to be nasty. I'm a bad man. You started. You said you were going to put me in a rear naked choking triangle. All I see is that face just going, cat, cat, pop. No.

Break your limbs. What are you talking about? What is the guy I was just talking to? I'm in my doer jeans. He's talking about a UFC. Okay, anyway. So Blake, what's happening? So you're starting. You want to go to the UFC. You thought everybody would see you as tougher, which I agree with. But what's happening?

So it backfired completely. I get made fun of for it all the time by my wife and our two friends. Blake, how old are you? I don't think we asked you that question. 27 to 32. Yeah, I'm 29. Okay. All right. Way better than what Jake was doing.

jake 45 joining yeah by the way you're in the wheelhouse starting time yeah you're okay 45 is a tougher start and if this is this is what's great about this call if this is sad for you yeah it's even worse for me it's really sad let me ask you a question b man uh you white belt what stripe you wow what stripe you hurt okay see see that's part of the problem i'm just a white belt i just started six months ago okay um what are you doing you're like yeah

That's the one they just give you. Yeah. Everybody technically is. You are technically a workout. I'm at the same level. So, Blake, what are they teasing you about? The fact that they're afraid of you because you're the danger? Nope. Well, like, you mentioned gi. If you don't know, it's like kind of like the, it's like a karate outfit, if you will. Yeah, of course, it's the gi. But, uh,

They call it pajamas or bathrobe, or my wife will refer to it as, like, costume. It's bright blue. It's a great burn from your wife. Costume. My wife called a friend. My friend was once, he came over with his motorcycle, and he had a leather jacket on, and he had the shoes and his boots, and she goes, oh, my God, look at him in his motorcycle outfit. And I went, like, you can't do that. This is not what we want to hear as alpha dogs. Yeah.

Okay, so she's calling it your little outfit, your costume, and that doesn't feel right. Blake, have you considered really fast throwing on the ground, putting a rear naked shake and making her tap out? No. Throwing her arm in a fucking triangle and making her cry and go, how's my outfit feel now? After you've said that, do you feel like that's sound advice?

You know what I feel like? Here's what I really feel like, Blake, and this is what I've learned from being in the jiu-jitsu community, the MMA community. You're talking at a really alarmingly fast rate. You realize that, right? Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Go ahead, Blake. That's cool. Are you saying that's cool to what you said? That I know that line.

You're not allowed to have that reaction to what you said. Well, you didn't have it. Because I wouldn't. 99% of the audience just had the reaction. They go, wow, Jake's cooler. And they go, yeah. Most people right now are going like, there's so many heads and hands making contact right now. Protecting their neck from me choking them out. No. Okay. All right, Blake, keep going. I'm sorry about Jake.

No, but yeah, I mean... I would kill that little boy. That little boy versus me in jiu-jitsu? Jake, just to be clear what's happening in the studio now. Kill him. Because you really let Jake's fuse. He's now pointing at a picture of me. I'd beat up the girl too. Yeah, let me walk you through what's happening. Jake is pointing at a picture of me at five years old

and saying that he would beat me up and then he just said the girl who's also in the picture approximately five as well he'll take her down as well this is a 45 year old man saying that yeah and guess what they're technically white belts too but i got my stripe blake back to you so uh and i'm touching my shoe too much i'm gonna call you out on it thank you it's a disgusting trait that people are getting mad at least of your problems during this segment fair

Kevin, this is a great first call. It's absolutely horrifying. You set me up on a bad. Oh, it's terrible. Everybody's getting choked out. So, Blake, your wife is making fun of you because you're an alpha dog. She's a true beta.

She's afraid of your power. Your two friends have never realized that you are now a silverback gorilla. They're trying to cut you down to size by calling it a, why don't you go to the fucking jungle and go to a silverback gorilla and say, nice costume. You wouldn't do that. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And like, you get it. I mean, you know, some moves like I've, I've showed some of the moves to them, you know, trying to impress them a little bit. It looks crazy. It looks intimate. It,

They look intimate. Yeah. And so there's a lot of jokes loaded there as well. I hear what you're saying. So, you know, I'd be the first to admit. Some of the moves look a little intimate. I'll agree. Well, the whole thing. I mean, Jake, you hurt your back stretching. Let's just...

I mean, I could keep banging that drum as many times as possible, but you went to the gym to do your jiu-jitsu, and you were stretching, and you threw your back out. That happened, right? You're the guy who's comparing yourself to a silverback. Yeah. Well, silverbacks never hurt their back stretching. Okay. All right, Blake. So, okay, so...

is the problem basically how do you get some respect around your house? What is the specific, by the way, Blake, I fully relate to you. You're a true alpha dog. I respect you. You and me are speaking a language that Gareth can never understand. Now, your friends, they don't understand you and I'm not saying this like it's a cult, but your wife doesn't understand you, but you are going down a very interesting path. I think you should continue down that path. It is a path for warriors, not guys in their little cute outfits. You are, that might close it out. And it's cute. But,

not guys who are the president of their own Garfield girl fan club. Gareth is starting a Jake. Now you realize you are entering weird levels. You are now fully inventing things that you know are not. What can we help you with collar? Yeah, I guess my main thing that my question is like you kind of alluded to this, but like

how can I get my wife and my friends to like, maybe even for a moment, think, damn, Blake is kind of a badass. Like, okay. Oh, he could totally take someone in a street fight. Okay. I'll tell you what you don't do is tell them you call the podcast whining about them, not respecting your martial art. No, I've got a pitch and it's wild, but it's real. Okay. Here's what you're going to need to do.

First of all, you don't talk to him about what happens in the gym anymore. The gym's Vegas. The gym is Vegas. What you do in that jujitsu, Matt, is between you and your jujitsu brothers and sisters because it is genderless. I have been tapped out by ladies. I've been tapped out by gentlemen. It is a genderless community of animals. Second, you need to get a new outside friend, possibly somebody from the gym. I think we're talking to him.

I think he's giving the advice right now. My ass ain't going to Brea. Here's what you need to do.

You need to stage an altercation. This is, Jake, you have fully, you have slowly during this call, I mean rapidly, but still somehow kept circling the drain and every time I think you're going down it, you keep finding a new bottom. You're telling me this isn't a good idea, Gareth? I'm telling you that this is the idea of someone who has been oddly defensive since the second that this call started because he probably paid $15 for a white belt and that's probably

Probably the peak of his jujitsu career. A man who, again, threw his back out stretching. Kevin. Stretching. The activity you're supposed to do to not throw your back out, you threw your back out during. Can we do a match, me and Gareth, for the show? Yes. Only on Patreon. I will. This little geek. So here's what you need to do. Blake, I mean this seriously. And it's a wild idea. But here's the difference. People can tease martial arts all they want.

I wrestled a little bit in high school. You can tease that too, right? But guess when they stop teasing? When you're out at a restaurant or in a park and somebody comes up and starts messing with you guys and then you very quickly say, back off, man. And your wife looks at you and like, hey, and you go back off. The guy pushes you. You have done a choreographed dance where you get him into a rear naked choke on the ground and the guy goes, I'm out. And you go, well, I'll hold him.

Then walk away, motherfucker. He leaves. She looks at you like, what? And you go, how's your day? For me, that's just a regular Tuesday. Okay. Like, Gareth is going to hate it because Gareth is the guy who gets tapped. Look, look, I'm the guy who's for hire to go to a park and do this. $30 an hour. You could get more than $30. The downside to this is,

Is that obviously if your wife finds out that you are lying, you then become a worse figure in the house. Agreed. And your friend. So that's why. Well, go ahead, Blake. What do you think of that idea? Well, I here's the thing. I love that idea. Yeah. And honestly, like I'm definitely leaning towards that thing. That's my only option right now. Yeah. But part of the issue is my wife and my friend.

Our black belt in kickboxing. Are they listening to this podcast? Your wife is literally a, she's Ronda Rousey and she killed the actor in the park. She's right. So the bad news for you is you're thinking, well, then we'll wait to air this. Yeah. We'll, we'll air this in two years. We'll do a followup with them after, if you really do it. I have another little snag that my, uh, one of the two friends that I'm mentioning, he started doing some YouTube work with you guys.

right around the corner like like this month so he would also maybe hear this sooner so like very inside this yeah so we we can hide it from him too to be quite honest with you okay no here's what you got to do with him he's got to be part of it oh okay but so he's got to be well you know we could do uh you could if you wanted we could get him in on it and

And what we could do is you could have like a little party at your house and he and you guys have a couple beers and you two fight. This is it. So, Blake, this is it. Are you? It's Joshua, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's who you're talking about. Yeah. By the way, we're loving Joshua. We're loving Josh. So here's what here's what you need to do. And we'll get in touch with him, too. We'll send him this. You guys start getting in a bigger fight about this.

Jiu-jitsu or the show or the show okay it starts getting nasty He goes you know something like shut the fuck up you say I'm just gonna tell you in my community We don't talk to each other like that because those are fighting words. He says in front of your wife What are you gonna do about it bitch boy you go? I'm asking you not to push my buttons I am the danger he goes

you're a little bitch boy in your pajamas you just like to roll around with other people's butts in your faces you geek you go that's it in two moves you get him to the ground he goes i tap and make him tap like wait i tap i tap and then go never again and then afterwards make him say i respect you and you go this is over you shake hands he goes you are an alpha dog and blake is this something you're actually going to do life would be boring if i never did anything kind

kind of out there, right? So I'm like, there you go. I want you to check out, have a barbecue. Yeah. Check out on YouTube, a short film I made with Derek waters and Nick Jasanovic as warning called signed, sealed and delivered. Hmm.

it's this premise. It's what Lizzie Kaplan did. It goes sideways. So watch that as a little warning of what not to do. But Blake, follow up with us, man. This is a big one. And don't, and when people, if other people outside of your friend group or your family, you know, poke a little fun at you,

don't ever take on the demeanor and the attitude that Jake had in this because it very quickly became a little scary and Jake seemed fragile over nothing. I didn't feel scared at all. No, no. I didn't feel scared at all. Scary as in like you've lost a friend. And so just remember that, you know. That arm is vulnerable. I would just have to get in like this. All right. Put the thumb up. Lift the hips. Cat. Thank you for the call. Thank you, guys. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

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Hello and welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You've got Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds and the hunk in blue, Mr. Cavman, recently married. Can we get your name, please? We're going to go with Hank for today. Hank! Great fake. Hank, and how old are you, Hank? I am in my 40s. 40s. And where are you calling from, Hank, in your 40s?

From the great state of Massachusetts, the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Well done. Good pivot. All right. So Hank 40 bash, what can we do for you today? So I am a seventh grade teacher. Um, and I don't know how familiar you are with seventh graders. They don't love going to school. I teach English. They especially don't love going to English class sometimes. Um, and I try to start my class every day, just in a way that's fun, engaging, um,

Usually not related to class, something to get us talking. This year, my students became very interested in my outlandish opinions and stubborn takes on things. Okay. And so they asked me to start something called Hot Take Tuesdays, which every Tuesday I would give them my...

opinion on something, I would rant about it and they get to respond. Love this. Great. The problem has become, this has grown out of control. Most Tuesday mornings, I'm frantically trying to think. Okay. Yes, yes. Without the eyebrows. Right. Every Tuesday morning, I'm frantically trying to think of a new hot take, a new thing to get them riled up. And the more I build on it, the more they expect. Mm-hmm.

They have not let me get out of it. I've tried sunsetting it. I've tried forgetting it for a Tuesday. I do not know if you have ever had to face a 25 angry seventh graders before because you neglected to come with a hot take. That's a no bueno situation. It's also no good. No, there is a only certain amount of outrageous takes as an individual have. All right, so you want some pictures on some new hot takes?

Because I'll tell you what, Hank, Hank, I'm going to tell you what we're not doing. We're not getting you out of Hot Take Tuesday. I might. I'm not, because Hot Take Tuesday is great. I hated seventh grade, and I hated English. If I had Hot Take Tuesday, I would like it. Well, the reason why Hot Take Tuesday is great is because, A,

You've obviously created something popular, but also for the kids, it does. It gives that I would go to the bathroom every you just want a few minutes away from class. Great. Hot take Tuesdays are great. So what is the specific question that we can help you with, Hank? And can rather than call you Hank, is there a last name we can call you now that you're the teacher? Can we call you Mr. Churchill? Yeah. How about Mr. H? Mr. H. So, Mr. H. Mr. H. What is the specific question?

So originally my idea had been, well, I teach seventh grade. I just needed a bank to get through the rest of the school year. However, I have recently learned I will be going on to eighth grade with the same students. They do not know this. So I now need to either come up with an entire year's worth of how do I come up with hot takes or...

Or something new. Drop the hottest take on them at the end of the school year and then hopefully come in next year and they are not demanding me to rant about Crocs or ketchup. But so let me ask Mr. H, what are your thoughts on Crocs?

Crocs are the dumbest thing that have ever been invented. And if you want to really fight with a room full of seventh graders, tell them that they have taken the worst part of two foot wear, no heel and the top, and put them into one. Oh, come on. I don't want to push back, Mr. H. And Mr. H., what do you make of ketchup? Yeah. Ketchup is the grossest condiment one can have. It is just tomatoes and sugar.

And it is nothing else. And no reasonable person should be putting it on anything. I'm addicted to hot take Tuesday already. What is your, what would you say is your most controversial hot take? Gotta be ketchup for seventh graders. We'll catch about everything. Crocs, crocs hit them. The food takes hit them pretty hard. Another problem that is that they have grown now. My,

My most recent hot take Tuesday. Are you guys familiar with what is called Mukbang? Yes. What is it? Mukbang. No, it is. I'm probably with you on that. Mukbang is basically on YouTube where people eat eating, basically eating on camera. What's your take? People eat a lot of it. Mr. H, what's your hot take on Mukbang?

Well, it was not a hot take on mukbang. I accidentally made a mukbang because I, at 44 years old, had revealed to them I had never eaten a mango before in my life. What the fuck? What's your hot take on mangoes? What? Well, it started as a hot take on mango jelly beans. They're gross. And then the kid said, well, what about regular mangoes? And I said, I don't know. What are you, a slaw? How have you never had a mango? What's your hot take on fruits?

See, now there is a hot take on fruit. Strawberries, great. Honeydew melon, fantastic. Watermelon, get out of town. Honeydew over watermelon. What's your hot take on veggies?

Oh, I love vegetables. Big fan of vegetables. Kids should eat more vegetables. Every vegetable you don't like, you're going to like when you're older than an adult. By the way, Mr. H, you're my favorite teacher. You know why his hot takes are great? There's a stance. He's got it. It's clear. It's a take. It's great. So the question today, because I could play hot takes with you my entire English class. Might be a side podcast, but yeah. Hot takes. Yeah, hot takes with Mr. H. Hot takes with Mr. H.

By the way, that's a podcast. Not a bad idea. So the question is, is next year you're going to eighth grade with the same kids. They love Hot Take Tuesday. They love it. I don't think there's a world that you get rid of hot takes. Yeah. But for, I have an idea. Let me pitch you something, Mr. H. I got one too. So here's what I would pitch to them. And you pitch it, your hot take on the last day of school is, I am going to be your teacher next year.

but we are doing something fundamentally different because you are no longer babies in the seventh grade. You are young adults of the eighth grade. Each week, one of you is assigned the hot take platform, but you need to write something

a little speech of your hot take in essay form and then read it to the class on a Friday and we as a community take you down because for seventh graders it's all Mr. H but in eighth grade

I took a year. I trained you. It is now time for your written hot take. Completely where I was going. Yes. That, I think, is the move. You're going to take the workload off yourself. The kids like it. You still get to have the discussion. You still get to have a hot take on their hot take. Which you will.

Oh, I will. I think that's the way to do it. You franchise it out. What do you think about that, Mr. H, of defranchising it out? See, I like the pitch. I like the pitch. What's your hot take on the pitch? Yeah, what's your hot take? Hot take on the hot take pitch. I like the pitch, but you've got to be really delicate with seventh graders. I think that they will find a way to get angry. Okay, but explain that. They will find a way to get angry at it all. And they just want to build.

They like, so the mango thing, my last video, I had to eat a mango for the first time on camera in front of them. Can we get footage? They are demanding. I can send it to Kevin. It comes in a couple of different parts. Is that okay? Yeah. I'm asking this lovingly. Why? Why does it come in different? Yeah. What is that? What happened? Because I had to use a, um, well,

We use for school. I can't remember. I don't want to give an accidental plug to whatever the program is. Are you on your lunch break right now? We are on school vacation right now. What's your hot take on parent-teacher conferences? My hot take? Well, I'll tell you one hot take on parent-teacher conferences on kids that I can't give my seventh graders if you want to hear that. I do.

that your seventh grade kids are pretty much just you drunk. It's a great, amazing, great hot take. It is. Um, that is what teaching seven. If you wonder, if you have your own children and you wonder what they are like at school. Hey, Mr. H, what's your hot take on hot takes? They are exhausting. They are, um, my hot take on hot takes is they're exhausting. They also have to be done right. I used to choose, I did stand up comedy for a few years. Yep. I can tell. Um,

I know the value of having something crafted versus just rushing through it. Okay, I think here's the problem with our initial pitch, which we both signed off on, is it might feel like additional homework. Here's what I'd say. Why don't we do it? You say this to the kids. You...

After the year of hot takes, you've run out of your own hot takes. So what you're doing is every Wednesday or after hot take Tuesday, you get class submitted hot takes. And that is sort of audience submitted. The class submits things that you could do a hot take on. And that way they kind of feel like they're involved in it. But you still get to have the wheel.

What do you think, Mr. H? What's your hot take on that? I have already pitched that to them, and they come up with nothing. And in fact, their response to that idea from me was, it's your hot take. You need to have the opinion on something. To which I said, well, then we won't have them. And you are really. I'll tell you what's happening. So can I tell a quick story that is shows me as a kid version of Moe from Three Stooges? Cannot wait.

When I was in maybe a little bit younger, I think I was fifth grade. My buddy Kent and I got in a lot of trouble in school. And the school therapist was kind of a hippie guy named Mr. Dithart, D-I-T-H-A-R-T. And he realized my mother was in the hospital with my sister. Kent's parents were working. We didn't we were alone a lot.

So the, they thought we were getting in trouble for attention. So he said, come to my therapist. He was a cool dude. This was the eighties. He was still connected to the late sixties, early seventies, hippie vibe, cool sweater, big beard. And he said, how about this? You guys feel like you don't have any control. So the next hour is your hour. I'm not the boss. You're not the kids. You're the boss.

So either me or Kent said, we appreciate that, Mr. Dick Fart. And he had a ball in there and a little hoop. And we go, can you pass us the ball, Dick Fart, so we can shoot? And he said,

i would rather you not call me mr dick fart and we said it's our hour dick fart and it went so sideways for him and so funny for us after the one session he said i don't need to see you two guys anymore and his experiment was over the look on his face where you immediately hacked his beautiful plan with dick fart

Well, obviously, Dick Fart I didn't think was coming at me right away. And you realize I'm being cool to you. Pass the ball, Dick Fart. All right, we're not doing this again. I'm going to give you 15 minutes and send you back to school, you little pricks. And we were like, feels more right. Later, Dick Fart. So, Mr. H.

you're in a spot where you can't keep doing hot takes is what you're saying because if you could, you would just be doing it. Yeah. I got another pitch. Go ahead. Correct. Okay. Okay. Why don't we do this? We're done. We're retiring it. We're no longer doing hot takes. Hate this. What we are doing, it's not great, but what we are doing is still giving you the platform to have a bit of a rant

but it's no longer going to be just generated by you. What if you do, every week you bring in an in-the-news story that you kind of rant about? So you find a weird story from the news, which there's tons of. You bring in that weird story, you walk the kids through it, and you kind of rant on that. Mr. H., hot take on that. I like it. I'm honestly thinking that the best direction is...

Again, they want the stupidest. They're not interested in the news. Well, but I'm talking about man holds up liquor store with alligator in Florida. I think we're going in the wrong direction, Mr. H. and Gareth. I think they're... Call me Mr. G, please. It would be Mr. R. Okay, that's better. Thank you. Dick fart.

I became Dick Fart. Yeah, Dick Fart. Oh, man. Get out of my classroom. So here's what I'm thinking. And I know this. Look, I'm not pitching you something easy. But guess what else isn't easy? Here's my hot take. Go. Eighth grade ain't easy. Go. Seventh grade is easier. If you were teaching the same seventh grade, you keep hot take Tuesday. The unfortunate reality is, you little brats, you grew up over summer.

You do one Tuesday. I do the next Tuesday. A different student does the next Tuesday. I do the next. So you've got to incorporate them doing them because that is the beginning of getting ready for high school. That is that is a fun way to do an essay. You have your thesis statement. My thesis statement is like mango jelly beans are disgusted.

Paragraph one proves it. Paragraph two proves it. Paragraph three proves it. And in conclusion, they are disgusting because of all said reasons. That is what you're learning in eighth and ninth grade. You're just showing them how to do it in a fun way in seventh. The hot take for them is, I know you don't like it, babies, but mommy and daddy are done cutting your chicken because you're in eighth grade.

Guess what? There was an era where your parents wiped your butt. Then one day you wipe your own. Hot takes, half yours, half mine. When you get to high school, it's all your hot take. And this is your first hot take of the year. Yes. The first hot take of the year. Yes.

The first hot take of the year is how you wanted to stop hot takes. They wouldn't let you. So here's the hot take on how to hot take it. Guess what, Mr. H? Here's a frigging turn. When they all go, no, no, we don't like it. And you go, here's another hot take. You'll be graded on it.

Your hot take gets a grade that goes towards your actual grade and will be on your freaking report card, babies. Well, that is a great way to maybe present it as a are you in or are you out? Either we are. You don't give them an option. OK. All right. Then, yeah, I like that. So then you prove it and you go, now, am I making you guys do them all? No, I do every other one. Mr. H, this is a good solution, but it ain't comfortable.

No, I mean, again, I teach middle school, so I live in discomfort. I'm on board with this, too, because I tell my students all the time I am the most stubborn old man already they will ever meet. And this is just I will prove it. Yeah. And then here's the catch, because most likely in a full year, each student's going to have to do two or three hot takes when their hot takes get better at the end of the year.

You know it. Then the final day, you give your hot take on an assessment of their hot takes. How about this? We do the hotties where you're giving awards away for the best hot takes. Yes.

I might change the name of them. I don't know if I'm going to call them the hotties as I call kids up to the front of the room. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. Well, you guys enjoy your weirdo world. Mr. H, that's why you're you and he's Mr. R. And Mr. R doesn't teach at his school. He lives in a jail cell. And Mr. R also doesn't feel bad when Dick Fart tries to shame him. Mr. H, you're the best. Good luck, Mr. H. Thank you. This has been fantastic.

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Hi there! Hi! Hi, welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know you've called in before, we know it's a follow-up, but we have no clue what it's about. So maybe you can give us a quick refresher on who you are and what's been going on. Yeah, absolutely. My name's Blake. I called in last time because I started doing jiu-jitsu classes and I thought...

People would think I was badass, but it backfired greatly. Jake's yes stopped so fast. Jake was on the yes. I was. Now, Jake, do you even remember, because you definitely connected hard to this call just because it was about jiu-jitsu. Do you have any recollection of what the specifics are of this? Yes, his wife and his buddies were teasing him.

And we said, you and another friend, we're going to do a fake battle. Yeah, you're going to set up basically set up a fight to show off your badassness. Yeah. So what happened? Well, so we did that. So I I texted Josh, who you guys somewhat know. And he I said, hey, I've got this secret mission. I called. We're here to help.

And before I could even tell him, because I sent that and I was like, let's talk. And then he told his wife right away, because it was going to be like, I was going to try to trick both his wife and my wife. Which is right. Like you were right. He was. Yeah. Thank you. Josh. Instant crumble. So, so yeah, then it transitioned into like, okay, let's get Cass. Who's my wife. And so we started building a plan and.

I'm so glad I pulled them in because it was way more complicated and stressful than I thought it would be. But yeah, so they tapped the shoulder of their brother-in-law who is a cop and also does jujitsu and he's definitely... Gareth, a lot of law enforcement though. Go ahead, Blake. Cool. He's definitely a... Jake, you threw your back out stretching at a jujitsu class, right? I just want to... Because we brought...

Hey, Blake, sorry about Gareth. He likes to repeat the same stuff. It's a tip. No, no. I just want to make sure. Gareth, I know you got to move to go do your 15th podcast today, but we're trying to move forward with this one. Blake, go ahead. Okay, go ahead, Blake. But Jake did hurt himself stretching. So just remember, yeah. You're not talking to... Judge Dredd pulled his back while trying to touch his toe. Well, yeah, so we pulled him in and we started planning. We decided we'd drive to him. He's like a...

an hour away from us. But we were going to meet at a park

And I started sending him moves of what I was going to do. And you're doing this. This is trouble. It's hard to text the jujitsu. Do you know, you ever see those old diagrams of like how to dance from like the 40s where it just shows where the feet are moving and you're like, I don't think I can figure out the waltz from this. I'm not going to learn this way. I literally at one point,

I sent him a video and said, I'm the black belt, just so he understood which one, which Pfizer I was. Oh, Blake. Oh, my Lord. Well, Blake, it already sounds, I mean, you've told us already this doesn't work great, but it doesn't sound like you put your back into it. No, it worked. It worked. So what happened? Okay. It definitely worked.

Basically leading up to it was, I'm not kidding. One of the most stressful things ever. I was not sleeping. I was just doing jujitsu in my mind 24 seven. It was quite a ride. And, um,

So we told Cass that we were going to go do some mini golf in Corona, which doesn't sound sexy at all, but it worked. Convinced her to go out there. Was she at all like, what? Why? And you're like, we got to go now. There was, yeah, there definitely was a lot of questions, but she was like, she's down for anything. She can rally. So she was just like, yeah, let's do it.

Good person. Good person. We like her. And then, yeah, so I had a class the day before and I had my coach film me doing the move and I sent it to Josh and I said, hey, do you think this would work? And I thought it looked cool. He replied, is it possible to do it faster? And I rewatched it with new eyes and I look like a turtle stuck on my back moving in slow motion.

Is that the move? The move is you're going to be on your back? Is that what? That's what it started with. Yeah. There's a lot of great offense from your back, Gareth. Yeah. Thank you. Please, Jake. I got a bike. But then I decided to just do something a little simpler. So, hey, we go there.

and we decided to get boba because I sent a video to you guys. If you watch the video, you'll understand some of the context, but we're going to have Josh do a trick shot throwing his boba into a trash can. So that way there's a reason to film it. And that's a very Josh thing. We call him Joshy McBuckets. He's

He's kind of doing bits, but he also likes to do little trick shot things like that. So we get boba. We're at the park and I see their brother-in-law. He looks scary. He's got a mustache.

He's wearing sunglasses. He's wearing like a big jacket, which I told him to wear a jacket. Like I hope and I'm not in real life, but I hope this guy just unleashed fury. You elbowed him accidentally. He's like, you little bitch. And just laid hands on you. He could kick my ass, man. Beat the life body out of Corona. So why did you tell him to wear a jacket? Was that for identification?

No, he just showed up looking tough. Unfortunately, it would make jujitsu a little easier if he was wearing a jacket because... Oh, you must do Gi. You must do Gi. Yeah, I do know Gi. We really, I mean... Both work, both work. Just a big debate in the community. He had boba first. Just relax.

Okay, so he shows up. And then Josh hands his phone to his wife and he's like, hey, film me doing this trick shot. And he throws it and the trash can's right next to their brother-in-law. Josh nails the shot. It hits the tree and it splatters. The ice, the boba is flying everywhere. And so his brother-in-law stands up and he's like, what the hell, man?

Dude, what are you doing? And so he starts coming at me. You said something like, I'm the danger. We should have worked it off that. Sorry, Blake. Floor is yours. I tapped in. I tapped in.

And so he's coming at Josh and he pushes Josh. And that's something me and Josh talked about is like, it can't be something like I, he can't come after me. Otherwise it feels like a pride thing, but I need to be able to protect Josh. Right. Right. That's why we do this martial arts, my brother. And I, I come up, I say, Hey dude, calm down. I put my hand on his, his chest to like kind of push him back.

And while I'm doing that, I grab his collar and then he pushes me and then I get him into my guard. Do you want to translate that?

Please, Blake. Thanks, Blake. Please don't. Blake, please do it for us. Please don't ask Jake to train for us. Go ahead, Blake. Actually, now wait. Brother and brother, I respect you. And by brother, I mean male and female or any gender because the jiu-jitsu community is all-inclusive. Jake. So rather than brother, I take that back. I'm going to say fellow practitioner. Hold on a second, Blake, because I'm starting to wonder if Jake even knows what that means because he's being so giving that I can't even.

I feel like it's a smokescreen because he actually doesn't know what it means. So Jake, why don't you... The reveal, Derek, is I've never taken jiu-jitsu. And I'm like freaked out. Like, I don't know, man. I took one. I was stretching. I hurt my back. I do have the uniform. I wear it.

a lot. So Gareth sees me, but I've never gone back. Aaron, you're just wearing it around the house and your wife's just kind of like, are you going to sit there and drink beer in your gi all day? Well, real talk. I went one time and it was a junior class and a nine-year-old almost broke my arm and I tapped out. And I freaked out on it. I freaked out and I said, I'm going to sue you. I literally am going to sue you. And I did try to pursue a lawsuit. I represented myself and went sideways in court. I threw my back out while giving my testimony. Because I went like, yo,

guilty! I'm gonna put the system on trial! So, in all seriousness, guard is when somebody is within your kind of legs, so you have them in total control. It's essentially like the way I like to put it, Gareth, is like a spider leaves a web out and catches a fly. That fly is in that spider's guard, baby. It's

Fleur's yours again, thank God. Yeah, so I do that, and then I flip him over with a sweep, and then I get him in an arm bar. Great. And then he's like, he's yelling, hey, stop, stop, I give up. And then he sold it in well. I hope maybe off air you guys watch the video because I think you'll enjoy it. And then he storms off all mad. Wait, quick pause, Kevin. Is this a video we could post? Yeah, I have it.

Okay. Can we watch it right now? Yeah, let's just throw it up right now. All right, hold on one second, Blake. We're going to give it a watch and then our audience can watch it too for these audio ones.

You'll understand what's happening. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, I'm so sorry, dude. Dude, what the heck? I'm sorry. Are you an idiot or something? He's got it all over me. All over my jacket. This is really good. What's your problem? I'm sorry. No, you're sorry. I'm sorry, dude. What are you... Dude, you're not supposed to wear such a jacket. He honestly is doing a stupid thing. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, shit. Ooh, the danger came in. Ooh.

Ooh, got him right in the garden. Nice sweep! Dude, nice fucking hard bar! It was boba. Dude, it was not intentional. Dude! Fucking Blake. Oh! Dude, that is actually... I cannot believe how well that went. Right?

Right? Yeah. Welcome to jujitsu, Gareth, you dork. Stop, Jake. Shut up. None of that is about you. I'm talking about pulling it off. I'm talking about his moves. Very cool. Thank you. That's great. So what is the aftermath of this? Now your wife still believes this is real? I'll tell you the aftermath. 10 straight hours of hot sex with Blake and his lady.

Jesus Christ. It's called the jujitsu gasm. Oh my God. She tapped out.

So what happened, Blake? The next part of the video, which I'll just explain, basically we sat Cass down and what we talked about beforehand is we want her to say the phrase basically, that was badass or like, yes, that was cool or whatever. So we kept keying her up like, wow. And they were like, Blake, that was so cool. What was that? Was that jujitsu? And she's like frazzled.

she's more frazzled that we're not as frazzled and we're like yeah that was crazy and i was like but was that cool and she was like yeah blake that was badass but like that was crazy and then once we got the phrase we told her and she she like healed over she was like it blew her mind it was awesome and then quickly she's like well who was that guy i said oh it's

their brother-in-law, she knows of him. And she's like, oh, so he could have kicked your ass. I was like, wait, no, no. See, Blake, I got to tell you, I probably wouldn't have ended it the way you ended it. Yeah, I would have basked for a few days. I think you got to bask for a little bit longer, but...

But the execution was great. And I will say, even though she is laughing a little bit, she did understand the reason practitioners do the martial arts. Exactly. And that is nobody ever wants conflict except for little geeks like Gareth who are just like little chihuahuas who bark all the time. But the rest of us in this world, we look to avoid it. But when it happens, Blake...

You handled it the way you handled it. It was really good. Your lady might be making jokes. She's not feeling jokes. Go ahead, Gareth. The floor is yours. I don't know why you keep treating it like a chess match where you're punching the clock. But I also, my favorite line obviously was, it was Boba, dude.

Way to go, Blake. And you got a good friend in Josh. Actually, we like that Josh is part of our show because you got a good friend and a guy who will stand out there and just be a little beta for you. Blake, you kicked ass. Yeah, sort of. You fake kicked ass, which is kind of weird. That's a kick ass for our show. A fake kick ass means you really kicked ass. We appreciate it. We'll post the whole video, and we got to get on to the next one, man. You're the best. Appreciate it. You guys are awesome. Thanks, Blake. Thanks. Thank you, buddy.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.