133: Never Leave a Chicken Unattended with Steve Berg and Arden Myrin
46:52 Share

Why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because

Because maybe you only bought two wreaths but have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the advent calendar. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season, Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS, and more through Instacart. And enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

- And we are back, Jake. - And I think this episode's gonna be fun, Gareth. - Why is that, Jake?

I'll tell you specifics just whenever you're ready. I'll tell you why. Cause we got two calls and a followup. What if it was that right? You're married to that. Oh, at least I said it.

Kevin has no choice. You know what I'm starting to set up? Our national anthem. People who are going to help me with the national anthem. Great. Yes, because the San Francisco Giants reached out and they said, if I know right, I can sing the national anthem at a Giants game. Well, what do you mean? Get it right. If I'm not an embarrassment when singing the national anthem. So would they test it?

I believe there will be a submission. Yeah, that makes sense. Because you can't make it. That thing can't be a joke. Like you can do a first pitch as a joke. You can do the seventh inning as a joke. Roseanne Bard taught us that you can't do the national anthem as a joke.

No, people take it seriously. I take it seriously. I completely understand not wanting to mess that. I wouldn't want to do a bad version of it. It's funny, actually, because when we talk about, like we were just talking about Kat Reitman on the show. So how I met her was on this horrible show called The Real Wedding Crashers. You beat me for the part? Of course, I was better than you at it. And it was, okay, so we did a bunch of press.

And one of the things we did was we were going to throw out the first pitch at a White Sox game. But what they wanted was they were like, you'll be a bride and groom. And it was like I was. So she was in a wedding dress and I was in like a tux and we were going to go out to the mound and I was going to start to throw it. And then she was going to stop me, take the ball and throw it. And, you know, so it was kind of like a dumb. I mean, again, everything was stupid with the show. So.

So we were like, yeah, great. So we got flown out to Chicago. We were there. We were in the guts of the stadium. And I'm saying to her, I'm like, do you know how to throw a pitch? And she's like, nah, I mean, yeah, I do. And I'm like, they take it very seriously. She was not that interested. They were like, do you want some warm ups, whatever? We were just hanging out.

We go out there. We kind of do it. She takes the ball from me. And I mean, she throws it two feet in the dirt so hard and they start booing so loud. And she was back. Especially at Comiskey. Yes. And she was she was there. Like, why are they why were they booing? And I was like, it's like a thing.

If you'd ask my dad, he'd say she could be a better pitcher for the White Sox. Yeah. Worst team in the history of baseball. Yeah. And they're not doing it like the movie Major League. They're not trying to sell it. No. That just happened. Yeah. Which is pretty wild. There's no montage. No. Well, when it was happening, I thought, like, I bet there's going to be some reason that

That they're trying to go to Nashville or something. Right. Then I talked to my brother, who's, you know, a lobbyist and into the kind of inner workings in Chicago. And he's like, no, they want a new stadium. Oh, that's the wrong way to go. Like, we want tax dollars to help pay. What'd you produce? The worst baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball. We're tanking for a new place. You're like, no, your strategies, man. You've got to be like fun for the city. Yeah.

I look at certain photos. I'll send them to Edelstein because Eric's so into going to games. Yeah. And I'm like, the idea of going to Comiskey to a near empty stadium sounds so fun to me. Yeah, I agree. I was just going to say. If I was still in Chicago, I would take business meetings there. You're like, what do you want to do? Like, hey, let's meet on this. How about you want to do 2 p.m.? They go, where do you want to meet? You go like this. Let's meet behind home plate at Comiskey. Tickets are like $10.

We can have a table there. We'll talk at full volume. The catcher can hear us. He'll take notes. Yeah, what's going on? Oh, the angels are up by six. Have you ever heard of Mike Trout? He's literally right there. Michael? You're like, whoa.

world are you in it'd be fascinating i also love edelstein's ability to go to everything like that is so dead within me yes same with me the idea of being able to just go anywhere is just it's like going somewhere to me yeah is a big deal i agree in speaking of when uh when i went to see the eagles at the sphere yeah uh

One thing I didn't mention before, but it's really weird about that venue is the lights are up so you can see everybody.

So strange. Joe Walsh, I guess the older ladies love Joe Walsh, right? He's the only guy there who the, all the ladies still like the rest of them. And you guys are cool as the Eagles, but Joey Walsh, I guess there's something cooking with that old timer, but he would, he would, he would do his, he would get to the mic and be like, all right, now we're going to, and you would see like 11 women. They were all in like the same kind of outfits.

would stand up in certain sections and do like sexy dancing, but you could just see them. So my brother and I are like sitting in a section and you'd be like three ahead, eight seats over. There's a lady sexually dancing to like witchy woman. And I'm like, this is wild, man. If I can dim the lights, I'm dying.

That is a weird element. That is a very weird element. Look at footage of Grateful Dead and company. You've got all these people doing the Grateful Dead dance in full lights.

That's weird. That shit is meant for the dark, my man. Yeah, that really is. Dancing at concerts when you're a fan, that's for a dimly lit air. And probably tripping. It's not the time to be sharing your experience. Or pretending you're tripping like you're in a dead show and you're doing the tripping dance simply because that's what people do now. Yeah. You're dancing as if you're on drugs only because you've seen video of other people dancing that way. That's the future. Not how a human dances, my man.

But my only note to the sphere, dim those lights. Oh, great. Well, listen, we got no notes for this episode because it's a banger, right, Kevin? Or dim the lights on the episode. Yeah, do as a favor. Watch this. Listen to this in a dark room. Without further ado. Hello. Hello. Hi, what's your name? My name is Steve.

Hi, my name is Bridget. Great name, Bridget. Well, I'm guesting here with your boys, Jake and Gareth. Excellent. It seems like you may have an issue you want to bring up with us. Care to share? Yeah. Do you want to get any more information, Steve? Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Where are you from? I mean, sorry. I'm learning. Where are you from, Bridget? Care to share is special.

First of all, thank you for asking me where I'm from because I've been rehearsing in my head. My name is Bridget. I'm 39. I'm from Metro Detroit for a couple hours. And I didn't want that to be wasted. Well, Bridget, you nailed it. Are you close to Royal Oak? I am about 45 minutes from Royal Oak. Great, great, great. Good stuff, Steve. Stephen, finish this off. What's the last thing to say? Well, uh...

Bridget, are you enjoying spooky season? No, that isn't it. That's what I'm saying. What can we do for you today? Oh, what can we do for you? Do you care to share? Do you enjoy spooky season? It's like what a six-year-old would say when he came home from school. I mean, I am. This is my time. I hear you. Oh, my God. Hold on. What?

I can't, Bridget. Bridget, I just, I'm so sorry. This call is chaos already, but let me just tell you what's happening. But we're going to get it back in order. We'll get it back. Absolutely. We're going to get on track in a minute. Gareth, we're going to air this one second. Let's just move on. I,

But no, we cannot because Steve, once again, has left the call, run away because he's got a rotisserie chicken that he over-oiled that set his smoke detector off again. Okay, so now, Bridget, back to you. What can we do for you? God almighty. Thanks, guys. So...

I am a real estate agent in real life, my day job. But you may have heard that the economy isn't great. And because of that, I decided I, last year, wanted to get a job that would kind of supplement that income. And I decided to get my CDL and drive a school bus for the district that my kids are in. Cool. So...

I've been doing that for just under a year. And I'm really like, I'm killing it with the elementary kids. Like they just think I'm hilarious. They think I'm great. We get along wonderfully. But the middle school and high school kids, I can't connect with them. I don't know if you've met like teenage boys before, but they are the scariest creatures ever.

on earth. And so my question is, I want to be respected by these kids. I want to be able to be like, hey, sit down or hey, stop swearing or hey, could you not walk up and down the aisle while I'm driving? But I also want them to be like,

No problem, Miss Bridget. You're so cool. We're going to listen to you. And right now I just am paralyzed in fear because, again, teenager. I get it. So I'm going to do a quick recap to get Bergie back in it. Can we find out, though, did Steve, what was happening there again? The chicken is just smoking. It's an olive oil problem. I took it out. We'll finish it later. It didn't work out. Never leave a chicken unattended is what I just learned. Title.

- So, Bridget is a school bus driver at her kid's district. She's killing it with the middle school kids. - Yeah. - But the junior high and high school kids aren't showing her a lot of respect. And the high school boys are swearing, walking around the aisle while she's driving. And she's looking for ways to one,

have authority where they listen, but two, maybe be respected because she's cool. Is that correct, Bridget? You got it. It's the elementary school kids that I'm killing it with, middle school and high school. They're tough nuts to crack. Awful age. I was such a brat when I was that age. That's tough. Same. They're not physically threatening. They're just being disrespectful verbally. Yeah.

Yeah, and not even to me, like to each other. And so sometimes I'm like, hey, guys, could you chill it on being terrible human beings to each other? And they kind of like, look at me like, yeah, you really do. We're gonna listen. But Bridget, do you say chill it?

Yeah, that's a problem. I'll tell you what, gang. You just triggered the inner 10th grade brat in me where if a bus driver goes like, hey, could you guys chill it and be cool people? I'm throwing a spitball at you. Cool down. So this is my problem, right? Like, I don't know how to talk to these kids. And I'm certainly not going to come on and be like,

Hey, like Sigma, that's a thing. I don't even know what that means. Like, I'm not trying to be like them. I get you. But I don't want... I'm 39. I don't want them to be like, oh, our old bus driver is still late. 39's not old. You're kidding. I get this. I think...

It's 10 years older than you, Gareth. There's two. Wow. All right, Jake. Have fun. Have fun with the old made-up town that you're running. That's funny. Cute. Anyway, Bridget, here's what I'm going to say. I think there's two ways to attack this. One is to incentivize, and the other might just be to appear cool. Can you decorate your bus at all? Is that allowed? Yeah.

Yes, and so I will tell you that I do cater to the elementary kids because they like me. We're done with that. So right now I have... Okay, okay. We've won. Right now I have...

some halloween like gel cling on things and i have steve i know i know it's embarrassed i'm embarrassed to say it no it's awesome no it's not oh i thought i thought there was groaning i thought there was groaning like there was okay no bridget it's not here's what it is it's it's young so it's making it feel like it's a kid's thing

And it's also the demo you've won. Yeah. If we're going after the high schoolers, then we're going after the high schoolers. If you've already got the young kids, the young kids are sweet. They're fine. If this call is really how do I get high school boys to show a little respect? Because if we try to set too big of a net out here, we're not going to get anything. But we can get the high school boys to show you respect.

Okay. I'm all ears. So I would say the way to do it with that age, the biggest mistake you're going to make is to try to get them to like you. Like and respect for teenage boys are very different things. They're never going to like you. They don't even like themselves. They definitely hate everybody around them. Yep. They hate their parents. Everyone. They hate everything. Their bodies are changing. Their minds are changing. They're fucking know-it-alls and they hate everything.

So them being like, you know what? Fuck my dad. I also hate my lacrosse coach. But Bridget, the bus driver, has cool stickers. Not in a million years is that the third thing. Not in a million years. But you know what it could be? I hate my dad. He's too hard on me. My lacrosse coach sucks. And there's so many rules on the bus. Fine. Follow the rules, Trevor.

I think there is a way to... I had a teacher in maybe sixth grade

Because I was a little shit. And she was like, if you're well behaved in my class all week, the last 10 minutes of Friday's class, I'll let you tell jokes in front of the class, do whatever you want. And so I was a choir boy for that week because I knew I was incentivized for the last 10 minutes on Friday. So is there a way to maybe like...

I mean, you are kind of true. It is like a way to what Jake is kind of saying. It is kind of a way to like treat them almost like peers. If you're like, look, if you guys want to be shits all week, whatever, you can do that. But if you guys have a good week, nobody's walking while we're driving all that stuff. X pitch. I don't have it, but I hear what you're saying at the end of the week. So Bridget, for you, what is it the kids want?

So I will tell you that the first week of school on Friday, at the end of the week, I bought suckers and I just said, hey, there's suckers on the dash. If you want one, take one when you get off. And that was pretty well received. A lot of my school kids were like... Pandering, pandering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, guys, I'm desperate. But by the way, the reason I say that... But Bridget, the reason I say that is...

That's a sign of weakness. And they're going to run with you're like this. Do you like me? Would you eat this candy? No, I'll take all the candy. Yeah. It's also candy for this age is not the way it is for. But the young kids love it. Love it. But I think that is a solution. Like to me, I'm like, I mean, I can't even speak for yourself. Oh,

I actually have candy written down on my piece of paper. Candy will work. Yeah, that's actually before the show even started. He had that written down. That's what's burning in his stove. He's just calling candy chicken. I put olive oil on a bunch of Skittles. It was a nightmare. I'm making my own Toothy Pops. So, Bridget, you gave candy suckers to the kids. And what was the reaction?

So, of course, elementary. I mean, 10 out of 10. Loved it. High school kids, honestly, a lot of them were like, oh, thanks. Yeah, the sweet kids. Yeah, because a couple of the boys, I was like, hey, there's suckers if you want one. And they honestly may as well have told me to go to hell because they just...

Yeah, they just walked off the bus like, are you serious? Yeah, Miss Bridget, I want to suck on a sucker like I'm a four-year-old sucker. Pass. I'm 15. I'm smoking cigarettes this weekend. The only thing I'm going to put in my mouth is a vape. I know. And I think I'll get fired if I pass out vape. No, you're not going to. But I have a real pitch. I have a real pitch. I have a real pitch. So you tell the high schoolers,

Uh, here's what I need on the bus. It's not a lot of rules, but it's coming down from my boss. You got to stay in your seats. Uh, now if you're moving around, it can't be while I'm driving to, we can't be cussing. There are kids of different ages. I know it's 16. You could swear and you're cool, but I got 10 year olds on this thing. You can't do that.

So that cannot happen. I don't want to report you. I don't want to go to your parents. I don't want to go to my bosses, but I will start it immediately. That cannot happen anymore. But I'm a parent. I haven't been a bus driver my whole life. This isn't my life's passion. So let's do something. If you guys follow the rules all week on Friday, high schoolers control the music.

Okay. It's so good. Go like pick a song that now we can't have songs that are like gross or vulgar, but if you guys want to bring in a mix,

And I control the thing. Friday, we blast music. But if one person blows it on a Wednesday, then you go, hey, everybody, we're not doing music this week because Trevor decided to walk around the aisle. So none on Friday. I basically what I had and my hat on that would be

If they don't get it to the point where that's going to happen for them, you pick the music and you put on like disco or something to further incentivize it. Plus it makes you kind of like a fun villain. Yeah. You could also play music every day.

And you pick so that it's just low going. And then on Fridays, you say, we can turn the volume allowed and have some fun, but I need the high school, my elementary school and my middle schoolers are cool. I need these high school boys to step up. I think you leave it music list so that Friday is a real event. Yeah, that's fun. It's, it's a big deal then. And then if they get to pick the songs, it's funny. It's fun. What do you, I will say this and I don't want to be a naysayer, but I,

i mean i'm guessing 90 of kids have earbuds and they're already listening to their own music so you've got it right wrong so music's gonna be a problem but i do like disco ball there we go but i mean it but turn it into like it becomes like the party bus here's what i also just thought yeah are you familiar with the silent disco

I am familiar with the silent disco. Yes. I'm wondering if there's a way that you can maybe incentivize that. So it's like the kids who are good get the silent disco on Friday, but

What is the silent disco? It's where you hand out headphones. But she's got to buy all the headphones? But whatever. It's not going to be that. You buy a few pairs of headphones, and the kids that kind of win MVP for the week get the headphones. Do you think a high school boy wants to be part of a silent disco, or would he go...

If he goes, hey, a bunch of the elementary schools and you, Trevor, you know what I would do? Thanks. And then I'll go like this when no one was looking. Get the fuck off of me. I'm cool. All right, fine, Jake. We'll just put porn on. Are you happy? What? Sorry. I'm just. Are you? No, I like I like the angle of the playing the good cop and the bad cop at the same time. I don't think you have to go full lean on me. Morgan Freeman on the kids and like threaten them because I mean, high school kids are scary. No, no. I want everyone.

at the end of the day i want you to have fun i want you to joke around with your friends whatever like i i'm definitely not um hard on them but when it's just like the f word every other word out of your mouth i'm like come on guys honestly it's too much here's something you could do now it's a little devious i don't know if you get in trouble but you could put like a fake recorder at the front of your bus

And saying like, hey, there's been complaints from some of the other parents that there's been some like really inappropriate things being vulgar, inappropriate things and mean things being said to us. This is not my control, but now I have to have this recorder. Although if you get the school may have an issue with. I've got something that's going where Steve is going on this. You from a smallish town? Yeah. Okay. So you probably have a connection to the cops.

Sure. Yeah. The liaison officer at our school is super nice and parks in the bus garage. What's this fellow? What's this man or woman's name? What are we calling this officer? We're going to call him, we'll call him Jim. Jim. I would have Jim get on the bus and go, I've heard complaints from families about people walking around in the aisle, vulgarity around kids, general disrespect.

And a school bus, this belongs to my county, my department. Not having a seatbelt on, squaring around kids is a vulgar ordinance 101.395, punishable by a $500 to $1,200 fine and whippings in a town square. Standing up without a seatbelt is ordinance 91394.

uh punishment is 800 to 1200 and two nights in jail uh there will be no on this and then he points at you and he goes this nice woman right here is your boss if she gives me one complaint about any one of you that's the rule of god be careful

And then he goes, I don't want to come back on this bus again because then you're going to see a different guy. I got arrested by the ordinance officer at our junior high. His name was Officer Friendly. He pulled a gun on me when I was in high school. Those guys get very real very fast. And I literally went, Officer Friendly, chill out, chill out. I knew you when I was a kid. Hands in the air.

So those guys get very real, very fast. I love the way that Jake didn't. There was not a gap between pitch and rationalism. Like reason why? Well, because I was thinking like at first you're going to go, I'm not afraid of that cop, which I wasn't. Guess what?

I got afraid of that cop. Yeah. So if you've got the cop on this bus, at first the teenage boys are going to be like, man, shut the fuck up, officer. And then you're going to go, Officer Friendly is a scary dude. Yeah. I don't want to go to jail. Officer Friendly handcuffed me to a wall with my arm too high and I said I hurt my shoulder and he didn't care. And I was like, not friendly. Yeah.

The name Officer Friendly is amazing that he pulled a gun on you. Not friendly. I can't believe he pulled a gun. You probably had it coming. Yeah, is it weird that I'm automatically on Officer Friendly's side? Yeah, I'm sure you were doing something. But Bridget, what do you think about that as an idea that you bring in the cop to lay down the law and then you are good cop and they are bad cop? Yeah. I don't hate it. Right? I don't hate it.

I just been nervous that they're going to be like, again, this, I just want to be cool. I just want them to stop it with that. That's not going to happen. You're not, you like to give away suckers and have stickers. And what was the term you said? Chilling or whatever. Chill out. But is there a way, is there a world where we do that on the a, and then as soon as friend, as soon as officer Jim leaves,

You say, look, I know that was a lot. Let's make it. Boom. Why don't we do this? You guys got to follow his rules. But if you do follow his rules, we get to do the thing we were just kind of talking about. Someone picks the Friday soundtrack for the ride home. Because I and you guys, you go like, guys, I don't want this to be lame. I'm looking to have fun, too. So let's just do this. Let's all be very controlled Monday through Thursday and then Friday on the way home. Let's enjoy our weekend. Yes. And guess what? Bridget's cool.

I honestly... Go. All right, don't make fun of me, but what about rope lights or something around the top of the...

the ceiling. What? Is that lame? No, like lights. Yeah, I don't think decorations are going to get you any mileage with teenagers, if I'm being honest. I don't think so either. They would with me, but I'm a different kind of teenager. You mean not a teenager? Well, I'm saying if I was. Easy, okay. I'm uncomfortable with that number. But I...

there goes my chicken i do well i'm chicken i i do think this is like really a super solid plan one you're making him you're gonna look so much cooler and nicer compared if this cop does the job and commits to the bit i think you are in great shape and then i think if one of the teenage boys stands up rather than you go like this trevor trevor come on man you got to get like don't do that

And then you go, if he goes, sorry, you go like, and then you could say like, Hey man, that's my ass. Yeah. Because guess what? It wouldn't just be you. It's me too. So I need you to stop doing that. And then you go, they go, all right, sorry. And you go, if one person tell like, come on, man. And then it's us versus the fucking popo. Just create the popo to be the bad guy. And you're fucking one of them. You're just 39 and whatever.

Not that cool, but you're them. You're changing the narrative though, because I think this is the way to go. I see this working like gangbusters. Because I see all of a sudden as the kid, you're like, Bridget's fine. She's cool. She's not up our asses. I wouldn't try too hard. I wouldn't do the lights. I wouldn't give them candy. I wouldn't be overly friendly. If a teenage boy walks in, don't say hi to him. Do not ask how his day was. Don't remember details. He's not going to go,

you know what? That was really sweet. She remembered I had a math exam. That's going to just be weakness. This is jail culture. So you're, you're not a punk. They're not taking your commissary. You're right. Because the first day of school, I, I accidentally missed one of the boys stop. So then the second day I was like, okay, I'm going to get this stop. And I got it. And he comes up and I was like,

Look at me, huh? Second day of school, remembering where you live. And he was like, huh? Yeah. By the way, he had no sense of humor. Your comment was perfect. That's on him. Yeah. It's also hilarious to miss a kid's house. Yes. I don't know what the plan is. One job kind of thing. I mean, honestly. You know what I mean? Like, come on. Just like that kid's like, cool. What's the plan? All right. Just jump over that little river. I think this is pretty good, Bridget. I would say...

So there's a good A side, there's a good B side, and I think you can play it, you know, like you're once that happens, you're rewarding the kids because you don't like the stuffy environment the officer. I think that's exactly right. So I would go with it. I mean, what do you think?

i think i'm gonna do it yeah i appreciate it never would have um crossed my mind it would have been suckers and party lights jesus christ i really mean this thank god you called yeah and honestly the cop i i think the cop the school cop is going to love this role like he's like uh yes please i get a flex on some kids you bet i think that's why they take their job

Just remember, Steve almost burned his house down with the same chicken twice. That's true. That's true. At least I'm not Steve is what you're saying. Correct. Yeah, sure. It could be worse. You could be me. Bridget, we appreciate it. Please follow up with us when you find out what's happening with the cop. If he's in, let us know because this could be really, this could be a big one. Keep us posted. I'd like to know every development. You got this, sister. Okay.

Hey, thanks, brother. I appreciate you guys. All right, Bridget, go get them. Bye.

And we're brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc makes it very easy to compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Without getting into it too much, when my mother comes to town, we really, and it's not a knock on the UK healthcare system, but we really take advantage of ZocDoc. We book her multiple appointments. You find them so quickly. You find places that take your insurance immediately.

Truly, if you call, not only are you on hold listening to weird music, sometimes these doctors will be like six weeks out. ZocDoc makes it easy. You just you're able to find we found great doctors for her. And I've done it for myself, too. You know, we're talking about booking appointments with tens of thousand top rated patient reviewed, credible doctors and specialists. There's filters. You can find proximity insurance, all.

All those things that become a worry when you call a doctor and you're on the phone. ZocDoc gets it done so much faster. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H.

Makes you think of Gilby King. This episode is brought to you by Philo. Philo's got current seasons of shows that we all love, like A&E and MTV. It's got Discover. It's got TLC. There are classic shows like The Office, Martin, Friends, shows you can watch over and over again, Mad Men, Orphan Black, 75,000, 75,000 movies and shows.

You can rewatch them over and over again. We've talked about the hits. Let's talk about some of the weird ones. It's not a big deal, but I've watched a lot of Love After Lockup. So has Jake or Life After Lockup. Either way, you're watching these people. No, Love After Lockup too. Look, these people get locked up and then they find love. Just go.

Please just go watch. It's important. Best of all, with Philo, you get all of this for just $28 a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world.

Dare I say a literal world. It's not a literal world of entertainment. So go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's philo, P-H-I-L-O dot TV to start watching.

And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love and adore Squarespace. We want to have Squarespace as a guest on the show, but they have repeatedly told us that it's not there's not a person, but we would love to meet the guy or the woman, whatever it is.

Look, they legitimize your website. My website is Squarespace. Kevin's website is Squarespace. Super user-friendly. Many of our callers' websites are Squarespace. Yeah, we did the wigs and suits. They were Squarespace. This woman called and she'd been lying to her boss about taking cooking classes while she was going off and doing some more naughty stuff. Yeah.

We helped make her a website that was so legitimate, her boss believed she was taking cooking classes. You think we're putting in 40 hours of work to do that? No! We're using Squarespace because they make it that easy. Squarespace. We're talking design intelligence. Squarespace payments. Uh,

Connected to your social and multimedia accounts. It makes it easy to sell content. There's SEO tools. All these things that I'd say 30% of our listeners are going, that intimidates me. Not anymore, it doesn't. Because Squarespace makes it easy. It's like having a translator with you.

It makes you legitimized in the website world. You need a website. Just ask Kevin. So join us on a Squarespace journey. Head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil.

Hello. Hello. Hello there. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Sorry, Arden. Can we get your name, your age, where you're calling from, please? My name is Jordan. I am 40, and I am calling from beautiful Bloomington, Indiana. Oh, gorgeous. Driven through it a bunch. Listen, Jordan, Jake's not here. He's a Hollywood hotshot, but you know who we do have? I know the type. Who do we have? Disgusting.

We have in his stead our guest helper, fantastic, has her own podcast, which I've been on a bunch, but she has a lot more stuff coming up. But the host of Will You Accept This Rose, the fantastic Arden Marine is joining us. Hi, Arden. Hi, guys. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Karen. Hi, Arden. Hey, girl. Jordan, is there something you'd like to say to Arden? Felt like you were...

I'm starstruck. I'm almost speechless. There you go. Well, that's going to be shitty for the show. All right, Jordan. Thanks, Jordan. Why don't you tell us what is going on? What the hell's up? Well, I have a father-in-law problem. Okay. But thankfully, it's not the typical type. He's a great guy. Love him. Love my in-laws in general. But he is absolutely terrible with the remote when we're watching football together, with the rewind, the fast forward, the pause. Yeah.

It takes five hours to watch a game. He can't find the right spot after the commercial. Sometimes he forgets to fast forward through the commercials and rewinds at the wrong time. And I can't text my buddies while we're watching. How are you? Is he pausing? Are you starting the games late? That's why he's able to fast forward through the commercials. No, he's pausing. Usually pausing where?

Just at a random point, like, oh, let me pause and go get another drink or go to the bathroom or get the snack. He's building up time in those go to the fridge pauses. And then when he's trying to skip the commercials, he's going too far. I mean, I'll be honest. He can skip the commercials. Oh, and you're just sitting there because you're not comfortable being like, Hank, let's fucking go. I do, but... Jordan...

May I call you JoJo? Yes, you may. I'll answer for him, yes. Okay, JoJo, listen. I'm going to be honest with you. I am your father-in-law in every television situation. JoJo, I'm sorry. I'm the bad. I am the nightmare remote operator. I'm the, like, we got to pause it. I am a nightmare to watch something with and have me be in control of the remote. So I want to— You're talking to somebody who's psycholog— I'm playing the part of your father-in-law.

father-in-law right now what's his name okay perfect his name's charlie okay i'm charlie right now um okay well listen that's tough to hear too arden i'm not gonna lie um but it's not my best quality it's not no but there's so many surrounding it so it's okay um okay charlie keep going is there more to this or is that basically where we're at

I mean, that's the crux of it. I can't text my buddies while we're watching the game, which is a crucial part of it. I can't check Twitter. I can't check the store. And it takes five hours to watch a game. Does he know he's bad at it? Because I know I have shame around it. I panic and I'm ashamed and I'm aware. Does he know? No, no. He has no shame. Jordan, what do you do for work, roughly? I work for the school system here.

Okay, I have a pitch that's obviously a lie because those are so helpful in situations like this. Do you want me to go, Arden? You got something. No, I like it. I felt like you were channeling something. I was into it. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to say that you say there's something for the school for this football season where there's a group of kids who you need. Hold on. I'm so sorry. Jose, stop it.

Sorry, he's clawing at one of my favorite chairs. It's a new thing he's doing. Anyway, back to the advice from me, who clearly is a professional grown man who you should be listening to. Yeah, obviously. I would say that there's something either in a teacher's group or there's something you're doing with a group of students where it's important that you are able to communicate live with them. So you have to ask him for...

The next six weeks when you're watching a game to not pause it, because it's not only that the game will get a little ruined for you, but it's also important that you can communicate in real time with a group of people. And then maybe after you do that for a little while, he'll kind of get the hint that this is a better way to do it.

I'm a big fan of lying. It's big. It's important on this show. I am a big fan of lying, particularly if you're sparing somebody's feelings. Sometimes it's the easier, kinder way. I think good relationships are built on lies. Babies. It's a baby lie. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. A little white lie that's like, he doesn't need, look, he's a grown man. You know, he's probably over 65, I'm going to guess. Like, he doesn't need to have his wrists lapped. Charlie's doing his best. He's psyched to hang out with his buddy. You know, it's Charlie and Jojo. Like, so rather than like,

He's probably excited that you're over. He's like, I get a little ADD and I'm like, I just want to keep settling in and get my snack. It's like, so I think maybe I like the white lie of something that you can include him in is that you can have a decoy friend text you. And like, I don't know. I like this so that he doesn't need to at this stage in the game is no reason to call him over. Overwhelm him with the terms.

Say, and Kevin, you can jump in here because you have a pen twitch.

But why don't you start saying stuff like we got a live stream on Twitch? It's me and a group. We have, you know, stuff like that where you're going to see his eyes kind of gloss over. And just once you see that, that look in his eyes, you've won. And then you just say, so if possible, if you got to get a drink, you got to take a whiz. You do it during the commercials, which, by the way, is how it should be anyway.

Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Yeah, that's what they're there for. I have a pitch, Jordan, that might be a little tricky. Two words. Drug him. Second, remote. Is it possible that you could have a little pocket remote when he pauses for the commercials? Then you're back to driving. Like, you can't. And he would feel... No, I actually kind of like that. Yeah, that's what's up. Can you just say, hey, do you mind if I fast-forward through the commercials?

Or I wouldn't, I wouldn't even cop to it. I would just hit play when he pauses during commercials. So he's not missing the game. And then when he is like, what the heck? He's like, I don't know. I, yeah, I went to the bathroom too. It was playing when I came back or something. I think you have X, you can only do it so many times, but maybe you can get through a couple of games. Um,

with a little pocket play. Sounds inappropriate as I say that out loud. Pocket play? Everybody wants to pocket play with Charlie. I love watching a home game and doing pocket play. Who doesn't? There's nothing like pocket playing with your father-in-law. Don't let him know I'm pocket playing. Yeah. Okay, so let me ask you this. What are you watching? What is the device that you are watching this on? Yeah. It's like a Roku TV.

I would guess that I, I use Apple TVs mainly, but, um,

What I would guess is that there's probably a way on that remote to change what the buttons do. I know there is on Apple TV. You can start fucking around a little bit. You could also third option. You could change right when he goes for that early whiz. You could go there and change what rewind does and what play does and just make it so the remote's a little backwards to him. And then you could take over the remote and use and be like, let me do it.

I love that. But that might be a little complicated, too. Well, last time I was there, I had to fix the TV. So he sees me as like, I know how to make it work anyway. Well, there's also a way where you can scapegoat that a little bit into some problems. Like you can say you could.

You could claim there, like, if he were to skip a part of the game, you could be like, damn it, this remote's doing that again, because I think the remote jumps further ahead than you want to go. You could make it seem like the tech is the issue. I like that. And then you could maybe get the remote. Either way, we're talking about a coup. I like that. I like the coup. A Roku coup. And I do think there's also a way you could come in and be like, oh, man, I got a hard out. I got to meet...

Casey at five down at fucking Pep Boys or whatever. Yeah. Like, obviously. But like, I have a hard out. So like, if you don't, I'm going to, like, you might just always have to have a hard out. You got to fast forward through shit. I like that. What I also like is Arden's take on what men do, which is that we're all going to probably meet at Pep Boys around when it closes. She nailed it. And fight. Absolutely.

I got to go meet Casey down at Pep Boys at five. We're eating sandwiches with spaghetti in them. I just thought you said meet Casey at Pep Boys and fight. They need a fight club at Pep Boys. Hey, I'm going to go meet Casey at Pep Boys and beat his ass. I like that. I like that. Okay. Well, Jordan, there's a few things there. There's kind of coming up with the hard out.

There's the second remote. Rokuku. There's the fake. There's the Rokuku. There's the fake live stream text version. Um...

that i that's pretty much it those are pretty much i'm blaming on techno you get the second remote or blaming on technology yeah the sort of scape the scape remote go ahead the language i would use for that jojo is there's an operating system update and just blame it on that oh these operating system updates keep screwing me over very legit yeah yes

Yeah, I like that a lot. There's some options for you, JoJo. So what do you think you're going to do? Where are you leaning? Yeah, JoJo. Yeah, I think the blame the software, blame the tech thing

combination of those two, maybe second remote. They definitely have more than one of the same kind of remote in the house, so that could possibly be a little play, too. And you've got backup things. If that doesn't work, you've got a B plan, which is important. You know, the more that I... You could get a remote that controls basically everything. What you might want to do is get one of those, and every time he does something, shut it off.

Just shut the TV off and do that three times and be like, I don't know what's going on, but I think maybe we just leave it now because, you know, it's better to have it be like, you know, like whatever. We missed two seconds. Then it fully shut off. Yeah. Yeah. But either way, Jojo, I think that's very well. It sounds like you've got what you're going for. So would you like to say thank you to Arden for all of her help, Jojo, and your new nickname?

Yeah, I mean, next time I'm down at Pep Boys with the boys, I'm going to have to let them know I'm JoJo now. Yep, that's right, JoJo. The Pep Boys! That's what we are. JoJo and the Pep Boys. JoJo and the Pep Boys. That's my favorite musical. And JoJo, really quick, I know we're about to wrap up. Roku has this incredible entertainment trivia, movie trivia game on their app, on their Roku thing. If you need a little icebreaker with the old man,

Go through and see how many. If you get 10 out of 10, it's kind of a big deal. My wife and I spent way too long doing it a couple weeks ago, and it was a blast. So a little icebreaker if you need something to chat with. I feel like Kevin's just getting some Roku cash on the side. That was such a... Just use promo code SHARK, and you'll get like 10% off. It's very clear what's going on. It's very clear what's going on. All right, JoJo, keep us posted. Hopefully this works out for you, buddy. All right, will do. Go, JoJo!

Joe, Joe, Joe. Bye. Bye.

All right. We're brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Spark something uncommon this holiday season with the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Look, I can. This is a great place to go if you go to Uncommon Goods. If you don't know what you're going to get somebody, I cannot recommend it enough to go to Uncommon Goods to get an idea or even find that thing.

It is just it's like walking through an amazing store online. They scour the globe for all these original or handmade, you know, items you'd never think of. And I ordered a few things from it because there were just things I was like, oh, it's perfect for my mom or, you know, like whoever you're going to get it for. Yeah.

Truly just a great place to go either find it or spark an idea. And when you shop on Common Goods, another thing we love, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't be like, oh, come back tomorrow. Do it now. Shop now before they run out.

♪♪

And

And we are brought to you by MeUndies. Big fan of MeUndies. Fall is that special time of year for everyone out there that loves a good lounge. From lazy weekends spent on the couch to curling up in bed, you know, on a chilly day. Look, it's pretty straightforward. MeUndies is the place to get underwear. I have a number of pairs of MeUndies. I have, I'm not going to lie, Kevin, one pair has glitter on them.

Cool. Yeah, it is cool, and I'd love to show them to you. You don't have to. We're co-workers. You are legally committed now. Please stop talking. Styles for everyone. MeUndies has a cut for every butt with over 20 different styles and 100 different colors of prints, like the glitter ones I'll be showing Kevin shortly. Versatile loungewear, unmatched comfort.

And another thing we like is they are responsibly sourced, something you should really pay attention to. They use sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers. So listen.

Don't just sit there uncomfortably. Sit there comfortably. Be your most comfortable self this fall with MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash here to help. That's MeUndies.com slash here to help for 20% off plus free shipping. MeUndies. Comfort from the outside in. By the way, when I show you them, Kevin, they will be 20% off. Turning your camera off. They will be 20% off. Do you understand what I'm saying? And I'm not talking about the price point.

And we are brought to you by Mint Mobile. Look, you know what we're here to help. We love to help, and we love to help with giving people deals. How good was that, Kevin? Very good. It was great. But we're not here to back-pat me over how awesome that was, because Mint Mobile is awesome. Look, Mint Mobile is $15 a month wireless when you purchase a three-month plan. So...

We at We're Here to Help were like, is this really true? So we switched to Mint Mobile. And it really is that. It's $15 a month. The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with the old provider because, you know, they're trying to get you. You're probably not on your wife. I'm not going to get into it.

But to get started, go to mintmobile.com slash here to help. There you'll see right now all three month plans are only $15 a month. Not a lot of people know that Ryan Reynolds and I are brothers. So that's why I'm biased. But I also like it on its own merits.

All the plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk text on the nation's largest 5G network. Can use your own phone with any mobile plan and bring your phone number, which is the best part. I mean, there's a lot of best parts. It's a tie for best parts.

all of your existing contacts. Not that you would really worry that they would try to break up your preexisting relationships, but find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help.

Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash here to help. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 GB on unlimited plans. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. ♪

Hey, everyone. It's the Shark. I just wanted to say really quick, if this is your first episode, thanks for listening. And if this is your second episode, thanks for coming back. If this is your third, the original call from this next follow-up aired on August 22nd. It's called The Donut King, and it is the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hey, how's it going?

Hi, welcome back. We know you called before. We know we probably solved it, but can you tell us your name and what your first problem was? And then, Jake, at some point during this, we should talk about the fact that Kevin is wearing a shirt that has his initials monogrammed on it. What's your name, please? So my name is Drew, and I run on donuts.

Oh, my God. The runner. Donut Drew. So, Drew, walk us through where we're at, what happened, and what we pitched, what your question was, and where we're at now.

Yeah. So basically, I was the guy who ate lots of donuts and did reviews and stuff. And I was trying to figure out like what my rules have to be. So you guys didn't so much as pitch it, but you basically gave me a challenge, which was hit a new stop every month. Keep doing reviews of just like the stops I normally go to, but make it a point to hit a new stop every single month. So I've been doing that.

Great. How's it been going? Pretty awesome. So right after it aired, a whole bunch of people started following me on Instagram, and I just got a ton of recommendations. So I wrote all those down. I have them all for any time I leave the state. I now have spots I have to hit in every single state if I ever travel, so that's pretty awesome. Great. So you're becoming the full-on donut man.

That's, that's the goal. Yeah. And then the other benefit is like, I've been taking my son with me more and he's, he's turned into the donut prince. I've been getting into donut hole and stuff. By the way, this is nice. So the community has reached out, giving you more donut places. I remember now that you had like a great big chart, correct?

Yeah, I have my personal spreadsheet with everything. So the spreadsheet's getting bigger. You're now going out of state and you're using it as a way to bond with your child.

Yeah, which actually kind of created a new problem because my kid is two. So he's not the best with speech. And when I asked him if he wants to go get donut holes, he says, Duggar instead of donut. And then I say, do you want a chocolate one or an apple one? What color? And he says yellow. And then he keeps saying he wants a yellow hole. So we're not going to start on this one. We're not going to start on this one. If it's beneath me, you know, it's bad. I would say this.

Lean into the child on the social media as well. People love kids. Maybe the day that he says donut, it's like your social media's version of him taking his first steps. I think Jake's right. We solved this problem, right, Drew? Oh, yeah, 100%. Ring the bell. It's a win. It's a win. Bell's getting rung. Once again, thanks, Caddyshack. It says we're here to help on it.

That's great, dude. We appreciate the call, brother. Yeah, congratulations. Good luck and keep doing what you're doing. And good luck to the Donut King and his heir apparent. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Thanks, bud. Yeah, take care, guys. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

Hey everyone, I'm Dan Licata. And I'm Nick Nanny. And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme Jan now on HeadGum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian-Americans. That's right. But if you're not Italian-American, you can listen to, I guess... I suppose we can let you in, cut you a deal. We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook? Nana or...

Or mama. Who you got in that fight? Nona or mama? I mean, I can't say bad about Nona or else she'd smack me across head. We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne Diamond. We got Edie Modica. We got Mike Hanford. And our wife, Severo. So subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.