131: It's Grandma Time!
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Kevin, you were just off camera talking about another episode you really liked. The guy who shit in the woods and his friends called him out on it and he wanted to like get back at him. I'm just looking through some of the calls and then they're like one here. And I shout out to our associate producer, AJ, who writes some of these one just called magician bullshit. And I know exactly that was with Eric Edelstein. And the guy was like, yes, he was good, though. Okay.

Yeah, he was great. People like fully committing to weird is just so funny with the show. Exactly right. Mr. Gareth Reynolds is back and better than ever. We're just started. Are we in the middle of one? We are. What do you got? Well, Jake, it's it seems like recently you've you've captured America's attention with your weird yard plans where you want to have a pool full of turtles and gorillas. Yeah.

And you know what I'm talking about, right, Jake? How your yard's becoming a weird mausoleum, you understand? A weird sort of little zone of dead animals. No. You don't remember this? I can't hear you. I'm just seeing that cat staring at me from behind you that's literally bigger than your head. Jake, I saw something the other day and I thought of you. Oh, baby. And I wanted to give it to you in person, but I don't know the next time we'll be in person. Oh, baby.

but I got you holy shit Gareth that's not a joke that's incredible so I got you Gareth you want to describe it I don't like it it's I don't want you to like it it's I love it how would you describe it eh it's it's big it's a balding Bigfoot it's half gorilla man yeah half big but that's not fully Bigfoot I don't think do you

I kind of do. I think it's a Sasquatch, but he's really, he's, he's bald, which I love about it. A little planet of the apes too. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and it's a halfling. So you can kind of, you could, you could, you could put that on a fucking tree, my man. Yeah, buddy. Let's look at your wheels turning.

I wish that if I was here right now, God damn it. It'd be right here, man. It'd be a fucking two shot. I'm excited for you to have this. Thank you. You're very well. I like it. I love it. Well, Jake, it's where did you, where did you get it?

Where'd you see it? I got it at, I can't remember. I was just at a random garden store. I can't remember where the hell it was. Yeah. I appreciate it, man. It's truly beautiful. Well, Jake, I'm on your side when it comes to turning your yard into a really weird little animal area. And hi.

How would Gary, how would Steve respond by you giving me something that's probably Bigfoot and not him? I'm going to tell you, this is what I found lately with Steve stuff. It's the reaction. You're not expecting Steve loves Bigfoot. Are you ready? This is what I think you do.

Oh, buddy, I don't know if you want that in your yard. That could beckon some evil Bigfoot, which is a thing. They're dimensional travelers, brother. That could be a portal. I don't know if you want to open that can of worms. The other turn could be this.

I don't know why you would send that to me. I'm not a huge fan of Bigfoot. I don't believe in Bigfoot. I find there's nothing interesting about Bigfoot. It is simply in a, it's a very mainstream occult opportunity for people to discuss. That's what I'm talking about. It's like, it's like that where you'll be like, oh man, how cool are aliens? It'll go, they're there to distract you, buddy. There's no such thing. There are rips in the fabric of time. Yeah.

That I love. Or he'll go, aliens are wild. He'll go, yeah, they're little green things that exist in movies and pop culture, but not in the 15th universe. He's drunk and high, and he's telling you this. Oh, wait. My chicken's burning. Without further ado. Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? I'm doing great. Can we get your name, please?

Yes, so I'm going to use the name Chelsea today. Chelsea today, okay. And where are you calling from? Vermont. Vermont, Chelsea, Vermont. And about how old are you, Chelsea? 27. 27, so I got bad news and then I got good news. The bad news is Gareth Reynolds is not here today because he's doing a live show in Alaska.

The good news is, is my brother, Dan Johnson is. You get it, Chelsea from Vermont. You won the lottery, baby. You won, baby. You won. So you got the older brother, the man, the myth, the legend, the king himself, Mr. Dan Johnson. What?

What's up, Chelsea? I had to get here. When I heard that there's just a possibility of Chelsea from Vermont at 27, I literally begged Jake. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. I begged him to be a part of it. He was saying to the shark, wait, Chelsea, Chelsea, put me on. She's a 27-year-old, right? Come on, please, Jake. Come on. I never asked for anything. So Chelsea, Vermont, 27, the floor is yours.

All right. So this story kind of starts many, many years ago. So my grandmother has always been kind of a mean girl in my life. Wow. That's a surprise. I didn't see that coming from neither. Neither. So she's four foot eight of terror.

Wow. Stop turning me on. Is she with us? Yeah. So all the way back to when I was 12 years old, she's always just been extremely mean to me just randomly. Like, I don't do anything to provoke this. I mean, for instance, like one time she walked into my house and stared at me and asked me, are those real?

In terms of your breasts? My 12-year-old boobs. Wow. So it's just progressively gotten worse over the years. It's just weird comments. It's not normal. Not normal. Not normal. My grandma cooks baked cookies. This one doesn't. So then recently, I am seven and a half months pregnant. Hey, congrats. That's awesome. It's my baby shower.

Yeah. And so she comes up, I hadn't seen her in a little while. So I was like, Oh my God, Graham, you're so tiny and cute. Like I missed you. And she goes, yeah, you've gotten really fat. Wow. You've gained a lot of weight. And for instance, like I've gained like 15 pounds to begin with, but okay. I'm pregnant. Like I'm allowed to. That's not a lot. That's not a lot. And

So then I was like, oh, actually, I haven't really gained anything. And she's like, well, it doesn't look like it. So at this point, I'm like, okay, I guess I'll just leave her. By the way, she's also 4'8". Right. Let's not forget, that's a very little grandma. Your grandma should be a touring comedian. Exactly. Yeah.

Your grandma's in the Golden Girls. She's the Italian one. What are you talking about? You're short. You're fat. You're ugly. So she walks away and goes up to my dad and is like, oh, yeah. I mean, she's got the big belly, but her ass has gotten huge. Wow. She's definitely Blanche. No, Blanche is the flirty one. Yeah, she is. Yeah.

Yeah. She's not Rose. All right. She's back to Rose. Who's the old one? Rose. Rose is the Italian. Yeah, she's Rose. She's Rose. Can we call your grandma Rose? Sure. We're right ahead. Okay. Nice. All right, Chelsea. So you got a mean old grandma. She calls you fat. She says you have fake boobs and she bullies you. And she's for it. Okay. Yep. And my question is, how do I make her...

stop being mean to me this is or do i like how do i is this like does she think we're in a competition how do i get out of that i don't know this is easy go ahead dan i didn't think it was easy but you go ahead no this this is like grant me and grandma advice 101 okay right here's what you do because listen rose she is consumed with envy chelsea

She's wanted everything that you are since you were born. Ooh, Dr. Dan. Right? I mean, it's obvious. Shave Dr. Phil's mustache, put it on your face. Dr. Dan's here. Oh, I got to shave my head then. Yes, exactly. So here's what you've got to do. You've got to say to Rose, you've got to go right up to that four foot eight ball of venom. And you've got to say, Rose, I forgive you.

Because I understand, Rose. I understand. You can't be me. And it's okay. And I forgive you.

She will melt like the Wicked Witch of the West instantly. And she'll bake you cookies the next day. Next caller, we're done. So Chelsea, that's an option. The other option is I say you get in a roast battle with her. I think she goes, you've gotten fat and you go like this. I honest to God think you're shrinking. Yeah, go like this. You're the littlest person I've ever seen.

From your point of view, everybody's gaining weight. You're shrinking. Okay. All right. Then you're holding a drink, put it on her head, and you go, oops, sorry, I thought you were a coffee table. Put a golf ball on her head saying, I want a tea off, sweetie. Yeah, literally, I'm sorry, honey, I thought you were a tea. What do you mean?

I think I mean, I could definitely come at her with quite a few things just because like she used to date all my dad's friends when he was in his 20s. So there's definitely comments I can come out with. But it's depending like I don't want to ruin, you know, my family. Wait a minute. So is she is she your father's mother?

Yes. And so she dated her son's friends after. Actually, my parents met because she was dating my mom's brother. Oh, man, this is getting super fun, Chelsea. Yeah, I agree. Super fun. I've watched these videos. I'm not proud of them, but I've watched them. I don't like that I've watched them, but I have watched them. They're interesting. Yeah.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I'm doing it for shyness. That's why I got to watch the video a hundred times. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I don't know how to press the U-porn. I meant YouTube. So you got a crazy grandma, Chelsea. How does the family feel about this woman?

Um, it's, it's definitely interesting. We all kind of just like debrief after she leaves and have give up all the comments that she's made. But your family just keeps ticking. You guys just all keep hanging out together. Yeah. She comes to everything. Incredible. And what's her, what's her age? She's late seventies. I think. Late seventies used to hook up with her son's

friends, insults everybody. She's like a, it's like she's a villain. And so your question is, what do I do now? Attack the villain. Yeah. How do I, is there a way to put it out?

cut off this and cut off the head of the snake yes this is like joe and good fellas or this is like joe pesci and casino casino yeah yeah yeah and he's ruining vegas for you and you're de niro so here's where we're in a little bit of trouble chelsea because if you go hard at rose grandma rose here and your family doesn't now you're just in a weird fight with an old lady

Right. I think you need to rally the entire family because of the birth of your baby. That's actually smarter. Right. And maybe you go to everybody and you say, Hey guys,

You have two options. Either we say, we don't want this continuing anymore and we're icing you out. So when she says a mean comment, you all go like at the same time and drown her out. Or I've got an idea. Let's do this. When she makes a mean comment, treat her like she's a roast comic and everybody cracks up.

That's it'll confuse her. She'll go like this. Well, you're as a mother, you're not a good one. You're just a fat stump. And if everybody cracks up and you go, Rose, you killed me on that. You're the best. I love you. Thank you for the great advice. That's better. Right. That could confuse her. Cause then she'll go.

everything you're doing everything wrong and you crack up and you go you're the best i love you so much i really do i don't know what i would do without you thank you for the great advice yeah so chelsea we've given you some things here where are you at right now what do you think and what path are you interested in i think almost treating her like she's a rose comic is very possible i think just like laughing at her as if like the things she's saying aren't actually serious

So that maybe she thinks like, oh...

Wow, maybe that was kind of off the cuff. And then Jake's right, but one way to add to it, if you come up with your universal catchphrase, like, oh, snap, or like, there goes grandma. Oh, yeah. Oh, grandma's gramming. Yeah, grandma time. Grandma, what if you all go grandma time? And then...

- Chelsea, what if you treat it like it's an 80s sitcom and whenever she does a thing, she's the like crusty old grandma. Everybody cracks up and you go like, "Grandma time." Then in front of her, you're telling the other siblings the really funny joke she made. - Yeah.

So then I walked in and I was breastfeeding and she said, your boobs are disgusting. And then everybody can go, it's grandma time.

What do you think of that? Look, it's a weird pitch, but there's a world. This could work. I just, I think like really just making her realize what kind of like a little bit of a joke she's acting like. Yes, I think it's possible. You're turning her into a clown. Right. And just to quickly go back to something we kind of blew by. If she ever crosses the line with you, Chelsea, feel free to say grandma.

Why did you date my dad's friend? By the way, agreed. That's right. But so Chelsea, now do us a favor. Walk us through what you're going to do.

Okay, so she's going to say something mean. It's just going to happen. She's probably going to say something like, oh, you haven't lost that baby weight yet. I'm like, oh my God, that's so funny, Graham. Oh my God, did you hear her? Jay, did you hear her? She just told me I didn't lose the baby weight yet. That's crazy.

I would even say go bigger. Yeah. Much bigger. Yeah. You want to know why? And I'm going to tell you why, because that I could almost feel your feelings got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. I would take away all, I would literally treat her as if the joke is she's the funniest person on planet earth. I would consider falling to the ground laughing. Yeah. And I would, when she goes like, you haven't lost the weight, push her, get her to say the really mean line, go, what do you mean?

I mean, you've gotten bigger. What do you mean? I mean, you're fat. And then when she says, oh, you know, you know, you could also do.

you could have a little bell or a little like a air horn. And whenever she has an insult, somebody goes, and she goes, what is this? And we go, every time you do one of your classic grandma time burns, we get, we celebrate things. Yeah. Yeah. And she does when you, you throw a little confetti in there and then she goes like to your dad. Well, you've always been useless. Yeah.

And if you guys are like an alcoholic family, you can take a shot every time she insults you. By the way, don't even say if you guys are. They're an alcoholic family.

That lady doesn't start that group and everybody comes out going, I'm healthy. I'm good. Just a seltzer water for me. Are you in the program? Nah, I just don't. I don't need to drink at a family event. I just need to. So Chelsea, what do you think about really heightening and going for it? Like making it weird?

I think it's a good idea. I think it's very possible. I'm not sure I could get away with an air horn. She might freak out a little bit. But I think I could definitely heighten it. And if I get other people in on it, we can scream grandma time or something. And you know what you could also do? You guys could all get together and mention all her greatest burns that she's done to you over the years and have signs. Yeah.

Like, are those real? Are those real? You can make t-shirts. And so she realizes they're treating me like a fucking joke. And then what she'll probably do is get real nasty. And then you guys have to really double down on the laughing. And then I think she's going to realize there's no win here and maybe get nicer. To follow up, Jake, look, let's get serious for a minute. Talk to me.

What are bullies most afraid of? Derision. Derision?

It's called making fun of them, Jake. Like if you make fun of them. I'm going to hang you from a flag. I'm going to shove you in a locker. I'm not afraid of derision. I'm afraid of my stepdad, Steven. So if you mock a bully, they hate it. They hate it. Yeah. So Chelsea, will you please follow up with us with what happens with this one?

And I promise you, don't just don't go soft. If you're going to do it, you either go a hundred miles an hour or you don't do it. Yeah. You can't live in the middle on this one because then she, you're going to be in her spider web and she's just going to kill you. And everyone in your family is going to chicken out.

Yeah. Yeah. And if I look weak, she's going to, she's going to, she's going to pounce. She's going to kill you. You aim it for the King. You best not miss this. That's exactly right. And you're not going to miss. No, Chelsea. You got it. It's been a while. All right, Chelsea. Thanks, Chelsea. All right. Thank you. Bye. See you. Bye.

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Yes, it is important because, Jake, a lot of people were raised with parents who didn't do anything like this. They would just hide a hundred dollar bill around their place and let their kids find it. So listen, sign up for Greenlight today at Greenlight dot com slash Gil sent me. That's Greenlight dot com slash Gil sent me. And try Greenlight today. Greenlight dot com slash Gil sent me. Hello. Hi there. Very soft spoken.

You okay? Yeah. Okay. Well, something's wrong. We know that. We're going to fix it. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Yeah. You're here with Gareth, and you're here with guest helper Vic Michaelis. Now, Jake's not here, but you're not going to need him because we feel really good about what we have going here. We've solved a couple problems off, Mike, and we're ready to solve yours. So what is your name, and where are you calling from, and what the hell is going on?

Okay, great. I'm Erin. I'm from Ohio. Okay. So my problem, I... Let me set the stage. Are you in the library, Erin? You might be our most soft-spoken caller. I'm sorry. Am I too soft-spoken? I can't show you. Your yell might be regular to us. Probably would be, yeah. There you go. I feel it. All right. Keep going. Sorry. That's it. Yeah, you've hit a really great zone. We're really cooking a little earlier. Okay, what's going on?

Okay. My office is at the front of our building, kind of facing windows that look out at a bike rack, like up against the sidewalk. And there is a gentleman that goes out to smoke and he kind of hops slash sits, leans up against the bike rack. And then during that

His pants fall down. Fall down? Pretty much. Are you talking we're seeing half crack? Yeah. Okay, because it got kind of cartoony. Multiple times? One time? Yeah. Is this a thing that happens or happened? It happens every time it goes off the smoke. You're seeing crack? Yeah, like a lot. 75%? Yeah.

Um, sometimes. Yeah. I mean, he doesn't like go smoke in that spot every time I'm assuming because I don't see him sometimes. But every time he goes out, yeah, like his pants. Do you ever call it the bike crack? It'd be fun if you started doing that. I'm just if we don't solve. I love that. Make a sign. Yeah. We might be on the solve. OK. OK. Destination bike rack. Yeah.

It's like angel wings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right. So keep going just so we get the full problem out. Okay, so you're seeing a lot. You're almost seeing a hole. And then keep going. Yeah, and I mean, it's not up against my window, but it's in my face. I mean, I'm working and look over and that's what I see. So I guess just what to do about that. I don't know what to do. Do you know where he works?

Yeah, he works on the second floor of my building. I work on the first, obviously. Do you know this person's name? Like, do you know who this man is? No, I don't. Other than... Could you find out? Maybe dox him and then email his family would be my thought. Just right off the bat. I like a soft dox. The family part's not going to do... I mean, that might help. What I would make... This is my first pitch, okay? Okay.

My first pitch is that get a picture from a place that isn't your office so that he can't go, oh, you took it. And so just get a picture from a different vantage point and then go to the second floor and put up a picture of it just on the door into the second floor that he'll see. And then kind of that gives awareness. What I don't like about it is that it kind of

You know, kind of like it is like a little doxy, which, you know, I mean, this guy's just trying to enjoy a heater. And, you know, he's not he. I bet you. I think the thing with ass cracks as someone who has been called on it a number of times is it is way more is out there. You think? Oh, yeah. Yes. I've been told many times. What's going on? Are you OK? And I'm like, I'm good. And people like that's very presentation. I just feel a little more comfortable with the pants.

I don't I'm not a waste. Garrett, is it you? It is me. I started smoking again. And I love I love the feeling of a cold steel. This is a loved one calling in to let you know that they know that you're smoking again. No. But I do think like I my guess is to put my myself in the pants of this guy. I bet you he does not know how much crack he's showing. I have another pitch.

Okay. Okay. I want to hear this because then I have two pitches also. Okay, good. I'm ready for yours. And I, by the way, I think we're going to need them based on how I'm pouring water over one of my head already. No, you're doing such a good job. You're doing such a good job. I'm listening to these pitches and I'm like, that's it. You're enabling me. I think you get, go to the Goodwill and get five belts.

and on the bike rack put a sign that says three belts so we don't see ass crack i kind of had that thought like give him a belt like just find out where his desk is and just put a belt it's gonna seem erotic if you're not careful vick what do you have go ahead

Okay, so my first pitch is in a similar vein to that pitch, except I would argue, and I'm saying this with so much love, because again, I can't express what a fan I am, Garrett. It's a little passive aggressive, I would say. Whereas like, I would say my first thought is...

Maybe if you know sort of approximately what time he's hanging out down there. I don't know how you are with confrontation, but I also think there's a soft and kind way because you can't be the only person noticing this at this point. Are other people in the office starting to talk about this? Well, that's the thing. So like my office kind of sits at a weird like corner and I don't think other people can unless they're like walking out of private hell.

Yeah. But this potentially could be something that other people are noticing. And I would say if this is a person that's like not taking that much care in a moment like this, there's probably other ways in their life that like maybe they're falling apart. Who knows? They just want somebody to notice them. I this is not just a smoke break issue. This person is unaware of the day to day crack style. Yes. Do me a favor. We have to employ this tactic on the show from time to time. Please.

Aaron, I want... How do you feel about the confrontation pitch, the soft confrontation? Because I think you could just go down there and be like, hey, I don't know if you know this, but, like, your pants keep falling down. And so, like, you could either... It's so bad. You could employ the belt situation. But listen, listen, hey, hard, immediate. Tough situation up top, right? But maybe that, like...

Maybe all of a sudden this man's life changes. You know what I mean? He's like, oh, I wasn't even thinking about that. It is the pointing out the booger in the nose. I mean, it is what it is. It's like, do you let the person sit there with the boogie all lunch or do you go, hey, get it out of there. Let's move on.

Maybe this person has been desperate for a promotion and they haven't been getting it because they've been showing ass to their boss constantly. And then this is the thing that's like, oh, now all of a sudden their trajectory in life is changing. I like that. I feel pretty strongly about this. I definitely think we're all talking about the next mayor of wherever you are. Well,

Can I do my second pitch quick? Well, I kind of want to see Aaron try to confront you in this situation and then we can move on to your second pitch. So let's give all the air to your first pitch that we can. Aaron, do you mind approaching Vic as yourself and Vic as the crack master? And can we see how that plays out? Do you feel comfortable giving that a shot?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I'll actually do it, but I will. Give it a shot. Thank you for being brave and trying. Be brave, try it. Okay. So am I just walking up to him? Yeah, so Vic is, or this guy is sitting on the bike rack. His ass is exposed. He's having a cigarette, and you're doing a cold approach. Okay, excuse me. Hey, you're Aaron, right? Whoa.

Oh, yeah. Hi, what's your name? I'm so sorry. I'm Mark. I know this is weird. I'm such a huge fan of yours on Slack. You're always so funny in Slack and so thoughtful. And you always remember people's birthdays. And I just wanted to say, I've been having a really tough year. My wife left.

And my kids aren't talking to me much. Sorry. These days. Sorry. And I just wanted to say that like your little funny jokes on Slack, keep me going and they make me feel seen and noticed. And if I think, I think if one more bad thing happened to me this year, it would be my 13 threes in. So I just wanted to say thank you for keeping me laughing. Fuck. Oh my God. Yeah. Sorry. What were you wanting to say?

There's no way that I could possibly. Well, Erin, I mean, we didn't know what this poor fellow was going through, to be quite honest. So I think we've all learned a lot. Yeah. So I think maybe be a little easier on him, actually. Yeah. I would pull his pants down all the way and be like, that's what I like. Let's see. Let's see the bottom. All right. What's what's pitch to Vic? What do you have? Quit. Wow. That's a tough one. Quit. Quit.

Erin, are you in a financially stable position where you can leave your job over this guy's ass crack? No, no.

not hard i actually i'm sorry gareth no no do you have blinds aaron do you have a way to block out the sun um yeah i do i just like to keep them open because i'm not a vampire but yeah oh i have a suggestion aaron do you know how like sometime like gas stations or buildings have those things for pigeons so that they can't like rest on top of them

Yeah. What if we bought... Sounds like she's opposed to this one already. That was a feeble yeah. What if we place some of those on top of the bike rack so he couldn't... Well, we can't cut him, but this... Listen, I'm the... Aaron, you're talking to Gareth. Gareth Reynolds, we're here to help. I'm the guy who made Parmesan-ing the floor. I mean, the viral moment that it is. I got a new one. Margarine the rack. Okay.

So what you can do is an hour before he goes for heater time, you take some margarine and you grease up that rack. He's going to feel the grease contact and that will stop the lean.

Yeah. We have a problem immediately. A person that does not notice that their ass is out constantly is not going to care that there is butter all over their ass. Aaron, I'm going to call our show to deal with how little you're reacting to our pitches. I have my own problem now. No. Let me tweak one of Vic's a little bit. And Vic's. Please. Let me tweak it. Do you smoke?

No. Do you vape? No. Okay. Okay. I think what you got to do is send a mole out there. So either you buy a Juul for the day.

or you find someone you work with who smokes, you have them go out there at the same time as this guy, and you say to him while you're striking up a conversation, hey, your butt's super out. Do you know that? And just fucking rip it off. Yeah, I actually, I like that idea. I think I know a person that would probably do that for me. Who is this person?

Just another person I work with that I know that's not. Do you have their phone number? Are they at work right now? I don't think I have their phone number. You don't. If you want to soften it, we could call this person and give them the pitch with you. I don't think. No pressure, but we will do it. No pressure, but I already am bringing up their image.

Okay, well, look, it sounds like you're opposed to that. I think we've got to... Are you going to do this? Are you going to bring this person into the fold? I think I will. I mean, I definitely don't feel comfortable, I don't think, actually telling this person myself. I think if it's a fellow smoker, it does feel like saying you have a booger in your nose at lunch versus, hey, I am here from the first floor. We plead with you. Yeah, I agree.

Are you going to do it? I mean, we kind of talked about versions of the heads up. A note in what way? A note handed to this guy when he's on the rack, when he's doing the crack rack? Taped on the rack. Be like, hey, if you smoke here, I see your ass every day. If it's not a kink thing, maybe cut that out. The issue there is that if it's specifically for her office, he's going to be like, oh, her. I would be worried that...

I mean, I get the vibe from Aaron. Oh, and then you write from somebody who's, somebody who's, it's not who you think it is. From the third floor. From the third floor. Put it on the third floor. From a friend on the third floor. Yeah, yeah. From the third floor admirer. All right, Aaron, well, we've thrown a lot at you. So what are you going with officially?

I think I will just make someone else tell him. I think that will solve... I mean, hopefully it'll solve... Maybe he doesn't care. I have a feeling... He has to feel like air on his butt. I'm telling you, it's not... That's not... Maybe. But this guy's comfortable with it. He's not...

He he he listen, he knows some is out, but he's also like he's probably my age. And we're from like the crisscross generation when you had the pants. You know, we put our pants on back. I put my pants on backwards once and went to a movie. I mean, that happened to me. So I think thank you so much for saying that. I know I was wondering if you were from the crisscross generation. Well, I need to. And a lot of people are asking and I've been pretty mum on it. And here we are. See me, world.

Daddy, I'm going to make you. If your friend asks and it still seems to be an issue, we can get your friend like a very high precision squirt gun to maybe they could slide by and get a couple shots and that kind of like shoot them away, perhaps. Yeah, we can definitely shoot a squirt gun in this guy's asshole. That's not a problem with it for the show can make that happen, Aaron.

Well, Aaron, why don't you go with this? See what happens. See if your friend will do it. And if it doesn't work or if it does work, let us know. But I think and by the way, I think the best way for your friend to approach this person when he's having a cigarette with him is go, hey, can I ask you a question? I just think comedically it would be great if instead of ask, they said ass. So that's all I have for you. We're brought to you by. Oh, I love that. Oh, sorry.

I thought it was going to Squarespace. I thought we were going right into Squarespace. I apologize. They just canceled after that. I understand why. I really understand why. But they were great to work with. I wrote in. I was pretty offended by that. Yeah, no, look, that was a huge error. I made it. I own it. Let's live on. Come on. Good Lord. Okay. All right, Erin. Well, thank you. Keep us posted, okay? Okay, I will. Thank you. Erin, Godspeed. Good luck out there. All right. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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Hey everyone, it's the shark. This next follow-up is from episode 126 of the podcast just from like a couple weeks ago The episode is called shirt title merch business with cat reitman And it is the first call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher go for it. Enjoy Hi Hi there. Welcome back. So we're here to help america's number one package. Don't look it up um look

We know you're a follow-up. You have the shark. You have Gareth. There's no Jake right now, but he's here in spirit. But will you tell us your first call, and then let's hit your follow-up. Yes. My first call was about a dance class at the gym where there was some unwanted partner dancing. Yes. Yeah. So you guys had pitched some ideas, and the one that I went with was to do the knee brace.

where I pretend every time she comes behind me that my knee is hurting.

I was mocked for my pitches on this call. At the end of the day, mine stood tallest and proudest. Okay, so you were basically going to wear a knee brace so that this kind of person was not going to sort of come up and dance with you specifically because you had an injury that sort of meant you needed to be more in control of your body than someone else, basically. Yes. I will note, because it's important to how it all turned out, that one of the ideas at the very end was to kind of like pass her along to somebody else. Mm-hmm.

uh like deflect her to someone else being the target so okay so the plan was the knee brace last week uh there's been two classes since i first called in that she was there so the first class i brought the knee brace in because i didn't know if she was going to be there and i figured once she comes in class i'll just put it on and you know act yep but she can't she came in and she wasn't

dancing with me. And so I, I think I realized the problem and the problem is probably me that I was maybe sending mixed messages because so what I did was instead of grabbing the knee brace, I, um,

Didn't give her much attention. I said hi. I was polite, but I didn't give her, like I said, like attention. I didn't follow up on any conversation. So, and it worked. She didn't dance with me. And there was one part of the class where everyone got into a line because it was someone's birthday. And we normally do like a snake opposite side. So this would have been her. Bananas.

It's really fun. You should come. It's really fun. You're invited. Where are you again? I'm in Texas. Oh, okay. All right. Well, I might be there in March, so we'll see. Okay. But keep going. It's not about me, even though I try to make it about me. That's okay. Uh, so this would have been her perfect opportunity to victimize me and get behind me. But instead she got behind me for a second and then she went over and danced with somebody else who was kind of alone and

on her own in like a different part of the classroom so she kind of deflected it kind of got deflected okay that was the first class okay that was the first class second one was today and i thought okay i think maybe yeah it was me because you guys kept asking why you why you and i in retrospect that was the right question because i think i was giving too much

to her, um, just attention. So today I did the same thing. I said hello, but I didn't give her any extra attention and she never came to dance with me. So hopefully it doesn't feel great. Cause I also, also I'm kind of going against my normal behavior, which is to talk to people, but just with her, right? Not like, it's not like with everybody.

Right. Yeah. No, but see, I'll talk to other people and they don't get behind me and try and grind behind me. Yeah. Yeah. No, that what I'm saying is that it's kind of you're kind of icing her out a little bit. It's not like you're not like a real negative person in the class. You're just not giving her everything because, quite frankly, when you did, she took it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, again, it'll be something that I have to get used to, I guess.

Well, look, she's finding other targets. I mean, if you're talking about your problem was that she was kind of ruining the dance class for you. So you now have given her a little less. She's maybe picked up on it, but she should, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, just kind of the nature of your two personalities. You don't want someone who is just taking your dance class away from you. And she'll do that if you give her. And look, she's found she's found another host. So she's now sucking the nutrition out of another cadaver.

You know, let her do it. And it's their job to figure it out. Believe me, either they'll be calling the show or you'll be selling them a knee brace. One of the two is going to happen. Yeah, it's not my problem anymore, I suppose. No. No. And you did it in a way that is like, look, we give like crutches as to how to get to somewhere. You didn't even need it. So we're not going to ring the bell.

Oh, maybe we know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't don't do this. We don't take these sort of half rings. We're not going to do a half wrong. You solved it with a pass. Yeah, we pointed out some things that you maybe needed to have some deeper thinking on. But yeah, you didn't. Our specific pitches were not taken. You found a more holistic view.

I'm happy for you. I'm bummed for the show because we're not ringing the bell. But that's good. Are you enjoying dance class again? I am. I am getting used to not...

Being as friendly with her. That'll be hard. But yes, I think you guys, you definitely helped me because I didn't see that it was me giving an instance. We're not ringing the bell. Stop it. Stop making it about us. And you're talking to the guy who makes it about himself all the time. No, I don't. Sorry. Sorry. I've only had coffee.

I were happy for you. And that's what matters. And stick to your guns. And that's not to say, you know, after a few of these classes, maybe go have a bite to eat with her after or something like that. Oh, sure. Still good. But but don't open the door again to the dancing. You go to dance class to make yourself happy, not someone else. Don't let someone steal your joy.

Thank you. I appreciate that. All right. Thanks again. And not ringing the bell, but that's not your fault. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.