123: We're Aging Like Presidents
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And we are back on a Thursday. Without further ado. Oh, no. We got two callers. You're going to love this thing. And hopefully we've got a follow up.

Jake, what's your favorite part of one of the calls today? I gotta say I like the problem and I like the pitches. Yeah, you're very supportive. Are you asking what I like about it? Yeah, I mean, I like the problems. I like the panner. Yeah, I like the back and forth a lot. The back and forth's important. I feel like we finally found it on both of these. And I think the audience who likes the show is going to like it. We paired them together because they're a winning duo. If you were to say the theme of mine, I would say...

Romance and second chances. Yeah. Well, I would say I'm fighting for it. Ooh, shark. What would you say the theme is of these two calls?

I was going to say don't give up. That's kind of like second chances. Well, you're a little different. Yeah, a little different. But again, it's OK if they all make sense. They're supposed to. Remember that. Remember that. We're not just doing generic openings. These are specific. Exactly. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to our show. We really hope you enjoy it. We appreciate you sticking with us without. We love you. Further. Say it.

Hello. Hello, welcome to the show. We're here to help. You got Gareth and I. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Zach. Zach, and where are you calling from? That will be Plainfield, Illinois. Ooh, Plainfield, Illinois. You know it, Jake? I've heard of it. What are you? Right outside Naperville. Oh, yeah, I know it. Kevin knows it for sure.

So, Zach, we're going to say from Illinois, what can we do for you? All right. I think Gareth will have a little bit more fun with this one than Jake. Okay. We'll see about that. A little bit of background. I am a huge nerd. I love Batman. This is a Gareth call. Shut up. I love Batman.

I have Batman tattooed on my calf. I named my son after Robin. We'll get there. Okay. I named my son after Robin. Well, after Robin. His name is Grayson Richard, which is Dick Grayson backwards.

I'm having a daughter in December. Her name's going to be Ivy after Poison Ivy. And then my son's going to be four in December. And there comes my issue with I'm a huge Batman nerd, but I think he loves Spider-Man more. Oh, man. Okay. Okay, so...

Okay. My question is exactly how do I get my son to love Batman more than Spider-Man? Oh, wow. Jake, are you legally allowed to comment on this? I think my comment would be congratulations for finding a woman to give you two babies. Yeah, honestly. You pulled it. That's a woman. Throw a crown on her head. Give her a big hug. She saw the Batman tattoo and still banged you.

She's like, I love this guy. She's like, he's losing sleep over. He's trying to make my son a Batman. But I just love the guy. Here we are in Blaineview, Illinois, and it's working, man. It's working. It's so funny to have...

Such a niche passion. And to have your son just go in the opposite direction. He has to, Zach. Yeah, I know he does, but I've tried everything. Like when he got his big boy bed, I bought him the Batman bed. He gets all the Batman action figures. He's four, my man. He's four. And by the way, it's probably like...

It's too much. You didn't let him come to it on his own. You're forcing it down his throat. It's like a chore. See, part of me would think that it's like a sports team where it's like, if you kind of brainwash them young enough, it'll work out. Yeah, unless you go so hard. You went hard. You went bad. You have the tattoo. How did your son find out about Spider-Man? How did this happen?

I honestly think, in my personal opinion, I think Spider-Man just has the better kids show. On Disney+, you got the Spidey and his friends. The toys are just great. So, Zach, what is it you like about Batman? What do you connect to? For me, personally, I think my love for Batman came...

just knowing that he doesn't have superpowers and he's still able to like make a difference in the world. And that's kind of like what I aspire to be. I have no superpowers, but I can still be a good person and make a difference. I think that's really nice. That's really sweet. I think that's nice too. Zach, we didn't get your age. What is it? 27. Okay. And what do you think makes Spider-Man interesting? I think Spider-Man is just like,

so relatable like he is like the younger superhero he's like even like the new like i guess tom holland movies he's in high school and like going through that type of stuff i think i mean even kids i feel like can just like relate more than to a a grumpy old man that is all about vengeance yeah now i got something for you okay if batman was walking in an alley and saw batman would he want to hang out with himself

Batman's a loner, you know, a lone wolf. I know he's a sidekick. Yeah, yes, but no, he's a lone wolf. But if Batman was walking down this dark alley and he saw a younger, relatable Spider-Man, maybe the two of them could bond and become great friends. Do you think that's possible? It's definitely possible. Now, I'm not talking about them playing like Parcheesi together, but what if there was some, you know, a crime occurring?

And where I'm going with this, Zach, is... Zach is like, this is some real tough questions, Jake. I don't know. I like it. And look, I know this isn't comfortable, Zach. This is hard stuff. Nobody's comfortable. Nobody's comfortable. Nobody feels good. Nobody likes this. But maybe you didn't give birth to Batman Jr. Maybe you gave birth to Spider-Man Sr.

Oh, man. Zach, that's not the reaction. I know it's not the answer you want. Not the one I wanted. Okay. But you both can't just be like Batman freaks together. Then he's just you, Junior.

He could tell you what he loves about... He's more like a Nightwing freak because he's named after him, you know? Oh my God. What's Nightwing? That's Robin when he grows up. You do not want him to be Robin to your back. Look, that's the opposite of why you have kids. Let me tell you something. He's my sidekick. But you don't. No, Zachary. Zach, hold on, Gareth. You do not have... You're my partner in crime. You don't have... You do not have kids so that your kid could be your little beta sidekick.

That's not why you have them. They are their own. Take my mantle. You know, Robin never takes Batman's mantle. He does in the comics. Sometimes Zach, you don't want a Rob fair. You don't want a Rob. You don't want, there's one thing we can all agree on. No Robin. Yeah. No,

nobody wants a robin nobody robin come on that's like it's like puberty batman we don't want that but so hold on do you want you kind of said something different in the prep the premise and now you're saying something different here or maybe i'm wrong you wanted him to love batman is what i thought but now it sounds like you want him to love robin would your dream be to him get a robin tattoo on his leg

I have the Robin tattoo as well. I have a son for him since I named him after Robin.

So you would love him to get a Batman and Robin tattoo and be like, my dad's Batman and I'm Robin in this tattoo. I'm like, I've worked for my dad and hand him stuff. That's not the dream, Zach. How about when he's 20 years old in a bar and a woman goes, you really like him? And he goes, my dad's Batman and I'm the kind of weird sidekick. Honestly, it will be something that is getting removed while talking to a therapist. Okay.

But if he had a Spider-Man tattoo or something he loved and they go, you really like this? And he goes, more so, I really connected to my dad and we became friends over our love of these characters. Come on, Zach. What do you think? I just feel like you're legally obligated to say that.

You're not wrong. I will say that Jake, it's not a bad theory because this is madness. Jake, you are leading him in a very Spider-Man direction. Just for the boy. Just for the boy. I am. Well, Jake, I'm not telling you that. Jake, I again, I'm going to have to I'm going to have to bad cop it. OK, go for it.

I think, let me say this. I think what you're saying makes a ton of sense. And, and if no, no, no, buts, I think, well, but you know what we got to do? We took an oath on this show. We have to help Zach. We took an oath and we have to pitch. You're totally right. You're right. So if you want to, I don't know if you have anything, but I'm going to give you Zach some pitches in the direction of,

of trying to get your kid back because right now he's falling in with the wrong crowd yeah and uh we need to get him we need to get him back so i'm gonna i'm gonna throw i'm gonna throw some fast pitches your way okay i got one after the fast pitches okay because i hope it's good because what i'm gonna tell you about my pitches is i don't think

I think maybe one of them works. Go. And I have like five. Go. All right. I'll end with the one that I think works. But before we do it, let me just give you some honorable mentions. Here's the first one. Lean into it, accept your fate and just get a Spider-Man tattoo and pretend that you parented your child in this direction. But I don't love that. Another one. What if when you're out one day at the mall,

You stage this and walk through an alley and we do our own origin story of how your son can become a Batman fan. And we fake that someone shoots you in the stomach. Like I said, I like the beginning, hated the end. Hate that Zach liked it. Yeah, so do I. It's a red flag, Zach, and it's my pitch. Big red flag. Okay, here's another one.

Let's just etch-a-sketch it and shake it. Another kid. I know you said you got one coming. Let's just throw numbers at it. Have another son. Try to get him in that direction.

Or dare I say this fake a spider bite and show your son the real side of a spider bite. Not superpowers. It's well, I see it. She some real problems swell up a little bit, you know, maybe need an echo and something like that. Show him that a spider bite doesn't work out the way it does in the comics. And my last pitch would be because Batman really does.

I need to find a way to... You put a bad singer on a guy's coming out of a cave with a billion dollars and a bunch of toys, saves everybody, and then has a great body? Yeah, right. As a weird butler. You're biased. Yeah. You're biased. Say hi to your butler, Zach, if you're doing the spider bite routine. It is amazing. The last pitch I would have is throw a... I used to do this at kids' birthday parties. I used to show up

I used to dress up like superheroes for kids' birthday parties. Order him a Batman. Ignore his wishes and order him a Batman and just see what happens. I got something for you, Zach. Okay. What's your guys' bedtime routine? You guys, you're reading stories. What do you guys do at four years old? How does this kid get to bed?

Uh, yeah, that's a, that's a, that's the hard part is my son to bed at four years old. Um, but we do read them stories and we give them a bath. Okay. So reading stories is what I was hoping for. So once a week, most likely Sunday night, you tell your wife, I got it.

And you improvise a story of the great Batman that ends with a to be continued so that he goes like, well, then what happened? And you go, well,

You'll have to wait till next Sunday to hear the greatest story ever told about the legendary Batman. And in those Sunday nights, you're telling him all the stuff you learned in the comics and you're building him up to be the greatest superhero of all time. All he's thinking is, is this is a story with my dad. I'm liking it. And after about the seventh Sunday, he's going to go, I actually just know so much more about Batman. The way you get a kid into sports is you just have the game on.

I really like that. Let's take your temperature. I have an add-on to that, too. Okay. So where are you at with our pitches? What do you think of that, Zach? I actually really like that because it kind of gives me and my son something to bond over and then make them excited for the next week. That actually really sounds...

Like a great idea. Like I do read them like a it's called Bedtime for Batman. Like it is a children's story, but I do like making my own story from what I know. So that way he's actually like, oh, what happens next? I think that's a great idea. I think that will also you could you could be talking about what you love about it so that he can understand what's so great about it through your love of it. As well as you could kind of cater it to his other loves. If you're sort of you could kind of make it relevant to his little world in a way, too.

Yeah, make Spider-Man get captured and not be the bad guy. Let's pump the brakes, Zach. Slow down, Zach. Let's pump the brakes here, buddy. Nobody's killing Spider-Man. Here's what I would add. That's our point. When I was a kid, my brother for my birthday had a guy he worked with do a Kermit the Frog impression.

And it blew my mind and made me like Kermit the Frog a lot more. What if on these Sundays you have a voice memo from Batman to Zach every week? Just a quick line. Just something like, you know, like, hey, Zach, I heard you're really brushing your teeth. You're doing a great job. Enjoy tonight's story. Was that whole pitch just for you to do a voice? No. Kara. No. No.

I'm SAG after eligible, but no. So are you pitching Zach makes a voice note as Batman? Or he gets someone else to do it.

So you'll do the first one and then you'll flake. Who's he going to be? I'm not suggesting. Is he hiring on Cameo? I'm a busy guy. Stop this. Look, what? 50 bucks a pop, we're in. No, I'm not suggesting it's me. It could be me. I'm not suggesting it's me, but someone around you have, or you could even do it, Zach. You sound a lot like Batman, but you could just, I think that adds a personal flair that maybe brings the kid in a little bit more.

I think the big key on this, Zach, is he's got to know what you love about him. But then I will say this. If you do this for three months and he goes, those stories are cool. Got any Spider-Man stories?

Let the kid be himself. I disagree. That's when you tell the story about how Spider-Man passed. Yeah, I think that's when I hire a cameo of Jake saying that he loves Batman more. Yeah, I love that. You think Jake's a cameo? Yeah, find me a cameo. Your premise is difficult.

Hey, Zach, we appreciate the call. This is a lot of fun, buddy. Thank you. Yeah, good luck, Zach. I appreciate it, guys. I appreciate it. See you. Have a good one. Bye.

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You can't go wrong with tech for everyone on your wishlist. When you get a Dell PC with AI, it gives back. So shop now at dell.com slash deals. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, where you're calling from, and what your problem is today, please? Yeah, my name is Austin. I'm 28, and I'm calling from Maryland. All right, what can we do for you, Austin?

Hey, so I am a teacher here in Maryland. At the end of the last school year, my athletic director came to me and was like, hey, we want to do an e-sports program. We've never had one. You have experience, which I do. We think you'd be perfect to start it. And I said, great, I would love to do that for you. And I kind of laid out some expectations you might need. He said, no problem. We can find the money. We'll help you out. I said, perfect. So fast forward through the summer now.

I meet with a bunch of people looking at where we should play, how we should do it. I get a quote for some computers.

I take it to him and he goes, we cannot afford to do this out of pocket. We're going to need a fundraise. And I'm sure you have had your experience with school fundraisers, either as a student or neighbor, parent, whoever. And I don't want to do just like candy bars, cookies, overpriced goods. I need something that's going to shake it up a little bit because our goal, our price range is a little lofty. I'm afraid those things won't

Get us there. Okay, so esports, you're starting an esports league at the school, and esports are video game sports, yes? Yeah, yep. So we need some computers. We need mice. Did you say you need mice? We need... Did he say mice? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what I mean. Like a mouse. Yeah, yeah. Come on, lab rats. I've never heard of them referred to as...

plural mice before. Actually, I hear what you're saying. Yeah. I've heard mouse like we need a bunch of mouses. We got it. Yeah, I think you're right, actually. Mice? I think you're right, Gareth. At first, I thought you were yucking it up, but I think you're dead right here. I think it's called mice is a little weird. Multiple mouses is what I would go with. We need a lot. What are you going to say? Multiple mouses? We need about 50 mouses. It's weird. It's not...

great either but i've never heard someone refer it's true you're right it is meant to be it's meant to be singular we need mice and you need chairs well first what's really weird and maybe this is just an age thing but you're doing video games as a sport in high school it's in is it yeah yeah what are you guys playing yeah yeah what are you guys playing kevin and i are gamers i what's

What's the game, Austin? The Gamer Squad. I played Smash in college. Hell yeah. So we're going to do Smash, Super Smash Brothers. Who's your character? And then a lot of the kids want to play Overwatch. Yep. I love Overwatch. Jake, just so you know, that's where you've overbooked an Airbnb. Gareth, you're my age. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. We smoked cigarettes and played sports in high school. Jake, Kevin and I are talking to Austin right now. These guys do eSports and vapes.

yeah yeah that's right but i also kevin so kevin have you ever played over lodge or you're just the smash brothers guy hold on jake we'll be right with you it's overwatch my guy yeah yeah all right all right all right back to you you're trying to get money for video games to be a sport what what is the number you guys need to get this esports league at the high school

Sure. So for the six computers, the six monitors, the six mouses that we're going to need are 10 grand. 10 grand. 10 grand. Okay. Thank you. And then if you guys, so do you guys do like, is it like regular sports? Like do you do tryouts and somebody doesn't make the video game league? That's a good question. That's brutal.

You don't even get to play video games? Wasn't that the whole salvation for the kid who didn't make the other teams? For fuck's sake, man. Let these kids win. That is tough. You're out, man. You don't get to play. I'm like, I'm in this community because I'm fucking out. I'm not an athlete. That's why I'm here. You're also not a gamer. You're the seventh best. We have six computer screens. It's like, I'll bring mine from home. I just want to be in this community. Sorry, you don't get a varsity jacket from playing video games.

This is wild. It is crazy. It's gotten crazy. The fact that it's in high school is crazy. Every kid, if they want to be in an eSports league, should be a varsity. Well, unfortunately, that's wrong. We're going to have one team. We'll do subs. You'll do subs. Can you imagine telling your parents? My hand. My hand. My hand's cramping. My hand's cramping. All you need is someone to get hurt on the top six and you get your opportunity. Yeah, yeah.

Can you imagine telling your folks what's going on? How's school? Or like telling your grandparents? What's going on at school? Things are really good. My grades are, I'm getting C pluses, B minuses, and I'm a sub for a video game. We're in the finals. I don't know. What sport are you playing? We're playing Smash Brothers. Candy Crusher. I'm playing Candy Crush. It's a race game where I'm Luigi. Oh, interesting.

Your grandpa just. Could you imagine what it's going to be like when we're grandparents, what these kids are going to say to us? And then they're going to get mad at us for having a bad attitude, being like, I can't support this. I can't even imagine. Honestly, bad stuff. Well, it is funny when you start to feel out of step with the culture that surrounds you. Like musically, that happens a lot. I'm sure it's different with kids.

But a lot of stuff, I'm just like, like my phone all the time. I'm like, how do I get that? Well, I'll tell you what. So I just went to the Olivia Rodrigo concert and the breeders opened for her. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. That's what I my wife and I are getting fired up. And they started playing their hits. Yeah. And I was like, man, if they were rocking this in ninety nine, Lollapalooza would be shaking. Yeah.

And all of a sudden it was like, no, they did a great job. But like people were still, I'm like, man, you blink your eyes. But anyhow, this isn't about us getting older and Kevin staying the same age. Not you, Gareth, because you're definitely aging like a tomato, man. You and me are sitting on the shelf in the sun, my man. We got mold all over us, old boy. Quit dragging me down with you. You fucking geezer, dude. Kevin and I are...

Kevin's shirtless. He's looking good. You and me look like a couple of fruits that have been left out for two years. Stop bringing me down. And we have no preservatives, Gareth. We're just aging, dude. We're aging like presidents, old man. We're going to be seeds. It's going to be great. So, Austin, you're trying to figure out a way in the town to raise $10,000 for video games? Yeah, and I think the problem is really apparent. I think a footnote to this, too, is our community, a lot of our students are high-need.

in that a lot of their families are not wealthy or have a lot behind them economically, which also kind of adds another wrinkle. I heard you mention something about using their own

Yeah. So we would want to foot the bill entirely. So that way the kids don't have to bring anything. Yes. You mentioned like using known setups. I explored that idea, but there's like an equity piece that we're gonna make sure that everybody has an opportunity to play if they want to, or at least try out. I think that's fair. Here's what I'm thinking, Austin.

Rather than go around, because you're dead right, a bake sale is not going to do it. You don't want to go around to some grandma with a muffin and go, we're trying to raise money for what? For kids to be on screens more. They might give you money to not do this league. But it's the beauty of an online community, Austin. You could raise money from somebody in Brazil.

Right. So we just need to get some version of a Kickstarter thing that your school needs to be in this e-sports league. What other schools are you playing? Do you have a rival? So we're going to be the only e-sports league.

program in the county which is why i think they're pushing really hard to start it they want to look really good but but we have a cool rival yeah come on you don't need to play so we we're looking at national at national teams to play online oh okay so you're trying to win the state yeah yeah yeah yeah or like there's a couple leagues that have regions and the nationals yeah nationals okay

Well, I think if you're going to do like a Kickstarter or whatever, some version of that, I think that's the right way to fundraise. Like Jake's saying, you can go anywhere with that. And my gut is that, you know, the way you're going to have to do that is you're going to have to like...

You know, you're going to have to be stunty. You're going to have to do that. You, Austin, or you and another teacher have to make a video. You get. Yeah, you guys have to put it on. You have to put yourself on the line like you'll have to do certain things to hit certain tiers. Have you discussed anything like that? I hear what you're saying, because we could pitch in that direction. Let me pitch on something really fast before we get to the tiers. But I think the tiers is right.

Okay. But what I thought you were going there that I started getting excited about Austin is we need to make the players in this league stars. And so we got to make, that's like a way to look at it too.

You know, because then part of it, and you could get involved with like the drama department at your school and you could do like a, you could connect. But the idea of like, what's that show where, you know, somebody's saying, oh, the voice or one of them where all the chairs turn. Yeah. You could have them in like just a chair. And then like you get like a Chicago Bulls announcer voice where you're like, like, he's five foot three inches tall. He's walking around at one pound.

He's about 85 to 90 pounds soaking wet. He's got the fastest fingers in this county. We're talking about blank. And then he turns around and he goes like, donate now if you want to see me take nationals at Candy Crusher. Yeah, because I will crush your dreams. Everybody gets a nickname. Everybody has a style. And then he can do it almost like Brady Bunch with the eyes where he can go like, you think I'm an animal? Let me introduce you to.

Sarah and then all of a sudden Sarah like comes in and was like I love Candy Crush yeah right something like just so you can maybe get a little momentum of this team and then throughout it all you go back to like but we got a big problem here you turn it into like an 80s movie if we don't get $10,000 they close down the dojo you know you call the room they're gonna do it the dojo or something like that and they're shutting down the dojo why because you guys are too good your fingers are too fast you play it too high of a level

I like that. I think what you could do is if you made something like that, we can share that on our social media. We'll post about it for sure. And then I think also in conjunction with that, what you could be doing is trying to drive people from that to a GoFundMe.

And on there you can have tears. Yeah. And then we could do the tear system. Yes. You can do some gifts, some stunts like, all right, you know what? You can have a virtual cup of coffee with the team or you can the team will play you in a game of your choice. Or, yeah, they'll check. Or, yeah, you could do stuff like that. Like, that's kind of the other thing. How about one of the tears? And it will do a high tier for this.

but if somebody gives X amount of dollars, they'll get on the conversation and we'll get on a zoom with them and you and some of the players. And we will introduce them to the players, the show, and we'll put it all on the Patriot. We'll just thank them. Yeah. I like that for sure. That's got, well, that that'll be the big ticket. That would be fantastic. We'll do one of those, but then one of them has to be, uh, meet the players. One of them, they get to play with the players.

One of them. Oh, one of them. How about this? You name the dojo after that person. So it's like the Gareth Reynolds dojo. Whoa. Right. Sure. I just got chills. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll buy the whole thing right now. Garrett's writing a check for $10,000. It's going to bounce, by the way, Austin. This check will be bouncing. I'm just so fired up. We could create tiers like that. I got you. Go ahead, Garth. Well, I like all that. And then I think, Austin, as the coach, as the leader, you should lay it on the line for a couple of these things, too. If someone donates, let's say...

Or how about this? If you reach half, if you reach $5,000, you do this. When you reach $7,500, you do this. And what could the this be? I'm glad you asked me that, Jake, because I do have some pitches. And Austin, I want you to remember before I get into these, some of these are going to make you a little uncomfortable. Sure. That's the idea. Okay.

But this is what this is in the world living, man. It's 28. You know, social media. This is the game. OK, some of the stuff is not going to be great. Sure. The first thing I'm thinking is you could have an eating competition. These are going to get worse as we go on.

Um, much to what we just went through with Kevin, the shark, he just lost some weight. You could put, you could say you'll lose 20 pounds if you get to X amount of money. Now it's going to start to get bad. Um, a polar bear plunge or something where you get into a body of cold water for like five minutes. Um, I think, uh, I got one actually go. If you guys can get to the $10,000, you shave your head.

I like that. How about this? Oh, shave. Somebody at the school had pitched that and I think it's a good idea. How about this though? Go ahead. Just to put a hat on a hat. Why don't you shave your head and then you'll spirit gum your head hair to your face and make it look like a beard and you'll make a video thanking everybody. Ha ha.

By the way, I thought that was going to be more a bit for us, but that would be great. Yeah. Call yourself back. I think that'd be funny. Yeah. Yeah. I'm into the tears. I'm into our. Yeah. So I saw here, here's tears. The first tier you donate, you, you get to meet the players, right? And if it's not a parent or somebody, you know, from somebody else, you do it over zoom.

If it's somebody who gives a hundred bucks from whatever and they want, no, how about this? A message from the students. I think that's right. Treat it like a cameo. Yeah. So tear at a hundred bucks. Okay. Yeah. Message message, message from the team, thanking them specifically. They can even talk about some specifics, just like a cameo. 100 to 500. Oh,

What's another thing we could do that's close to that? Because the higher ones are going to be the biggest donor at the top of the thing, whatever that is. Oh, we'll do it like an auction, Austin.

At the end, when you get to the 10 grand, whoever has donated the most, that's the person who will meet us on the show. And if they don't happen to be fans and they just gave money for the thing, even funnier. Yeah. Better for us. They'll want to get off the plane. And they're like, who are you guys? And we're like, it's called We're Here to Help. And they're like, I'm here to create an e-sports thing because my kid wants to play. You guys are weird and you didn't help? Fine. Okay, so number one comedy podcast in America.

Here's a tier for donation. They need nicknames. Like when you watch these players, don't the e-sports players, they all have like, you know, it's kind of like and one where they'll just be like the executioner. OK, if someone don't donate X amount of money, they get to give the player the nickname. So like Sarah becomes like whatever. Yeah, that's fun. They get to they get to pitch on it. You might enter a dangerous zone from a rich bully.

Well, we cross that bridge when we come back. I agree with that. Yeah, we cross that bridge. Yeah, we can't be careful. You don't want to be geek number four on the eSports team because one rich guy has just got a bad humor. I want Sean to be called the alcoholic dad. All right, buddy. Thanks, sir. Thanks for donating. We appreciate you. But so we got some tier ideas for you. We got a finish for you. We pitched a video where the kids become characters. Austin,

What are you going to do? Yeah, I think doing the GoFundMe page with the tiers is really, really good. Getting me involved is really good. I like getting the players involved because I think it shows it's more about them. I don't want it to necessarily be all about me, but it's for them and we can do that. Yeah, I like the tiers. The only concern I have, sending the message in to kids, that might be a little touchy.

Okay. Like meeting them one-on-one with like an adult. I see some securities concerns there. Well, we could do the cameo. We could replace it with like the cameo. We send it to them. There's like no interaction between the two of us. We can just do that. And then here's something you could do for the school at the school. Does the school have a football team?

Yeah, we do. Does the football team matter at the school? Is there a sport that matters the most at the school? Like what's the team? What's the best team at the school? I would say football matters. Basketball probably matters a little bit more. B-ball. Okay. So here's what I say you do. You challenge the coach of the basketball team to a race and everybody at the school has to spend two bucks to watch it.

And the proceeds go half basketball, half e-sports.

But you get then the basketball team and the e-sports team playfully talking trash. You start building up the hype of the e-sports team. You got your six e-sports guys and, you know, shirts being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. You make it like a pep rally vibe. And then you do the big race against them and you do the idea of winner takes all. And maybe you talk to the coach before and you say, we're trying to raise this money so he can be part of the game of it. So you guys are trying like, uh,

Craig Jones just did this jujitsu thing where he did this whole tournament. And one of the things he does jujitsu against like the women's champ. And they were like talking trash the whole time. He was being really, it felt like it was really weird. And then in the end you realized she was in on it. They wanted to raise awareness for, Oh, I'm like, Oh, that turned out positive, but it was really weird stuff. He was like drinking whiskey before the match. Well, so like you and him are in cahoots.

I like that. And I would say, listen, we're charging $2 a ticket to raise.

A race is good, but maybe, again, maybe we spike the punch a little bit on that one. And why don't we say the race is maybe you're trying to do first one to do five laps around the gym. But every time you do the lap, you have to chug a big glass of milk. Yes. And you could do the spin thing around a baseball bat. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you make it really hard. You make it really hard and funny for the students.

Or you do a thing. Oh, here's another thing you could do. You try to get sponsored in the town where everybody's got to give you like five bucks a lap. And then what the lap is, is a big crazy thing where you have to chug milk and do all this. So you're basically getting 25 bucks per family. You do five laps total, but that'll add up, man.

Yeah, yeah, and we do pep rallies quite often, so we could probably insert that in. Yes. But it should be silly and ridiculous as opposed to just like, I'm doing a 5K. Who cares? Yeah, make it nuts. Make it weird and funny. And then film it, and that's part of the, you know, the GoFundMe. It's part of what we could share, too. Agreed. So, Austin, to what Jake was saying, I mean, it feels like we've thrown a lot at you, but basically, why don't you just give us your exact plan real quick so we can...

we can wish you on your way. Yeah. So I think we make the go fund me page. Uh, we can make other sort of social media pages to get out there. I can be the front of all of that. Uh, we can work on the tier system, the highest being, and it's really great. You guys are doing this. I really appreciate you both meeting you guys. We have a zoom call. Um, and then we can do like the dunk tank. I think it's really good. The kids will really like that. Um, we can even add like the race as an incentive to that too. Um,

And sort of like, if you want to see me do some ridiculous things at this pep rally, we got to donate this much money. And we can do that. That's right. And then I think I, and then I can send you guys like the videos and the pictures and whatever you guys need. Yeah. And then I think it ends with you. And when you hit your goal, it ends with you taking the kids out for a milkshake. Right before you do that, you will have shaved your head and you will spirit gum your head hair onto your face and you'll take them out for a public milkshake with your weird beard.

Yeah, yeah. All right. So, Austin, do us a favor and keep us in the loop, okay? Yeah, let us know, okay? We'll help you out. Yeah, I will for sure be reaching out with the updates. All right, buddy. Thanks, Austin. Go get them. Cool. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it.

This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointment with them online. A dear friend of mine uses ZocDoc all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gil Buchanan!

Wow, Jakey Johnson, it is unbelievable to be back. Honestly, I've been doing nothing but core. We are out of time. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

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Hey, hello. How's it going? Good. How about you? I'm doing freaking awesome. Great, man. Well, thank you for the call. You're on the podcast. We're here to help with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. How are you doing today? I'm fantastic. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, we're happy to have you. You mind telling us your name, your age, and where you're from before we get into it? Yeah, sure. So my name is Ben. I'm 40 years old, and I am from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

What brings you to the call or the show today? Yeah, so I'm calling because I have a house in Grand Rapids and my yard is pretty much overrun by chipmunks. I mean, they're freaking everywhere. Like, literally, like I walk down my stairs and I see one sitting on my front porch like almost every single day. And it drives me bonkers. Chipmunks? Yeah.

Chipmunks, yeah, like little rats. Give me a number. Are we talking 10 chipmunks? Are we talking 100 chipmunks? God, I would guesstimate probably anywhere from 40 to 70. It's hard to tell them apart. Wow. So these are a lot. Everywhere you look, you're seeing chipmunks.

Everywhere I look, my front yard, my backyard, they dig holes all over. So I have like little holes in my yard. My wife sprained her ankle in one of them, which is pretty awesome. Is this a neighborhood problem or a Ben problem? I think it's a neighborhood problem because I was talking to one of my neighbors about it. And this is this like...

Midwest, middle-aged woman who seems like super casual, super nice, and we're talking about it. And then she goes on to tell me how she took care of the chipmunks in her yard, which I don't know if you know how people take care of chipmunks oftentimes, but that is frequently with basically just like a bucket that you fill with water. You build a little ramp.

put some like peanut butter out there. The chipmunks climb up, they fall in and drown. They walk the plank to the. Yeah. Yeah. The peanut butter plank. I know. No shit. Right. And so like this Midwest, like, granted, it was kind of in the Bible belt of Michigan. So it's very conservative or like this, but sort of like this,

Christy, little lady, is telling me about how she's killing chipmunks in mass, basically, in her backyard. So I don't want to do that. My wife was, like, appalled. Right. I understand that. I get that, too. So what we're looking at, Ben, is you have a chipmunk problem, but you don't want to murder them. And the question is, do we have any idea of how to do that? That's a tough one.

This is tough. You guys are from the Midwest, you know. So I'm going to lead off with something a little bit interesting here. And this is a real thing. So when I bought my house here in California, we had a family of raccoons that had lived under our house. And it was a generational problem, the owner said. Meaning that when the one family moved out, one of the kids decided to take over the area.

And they just would not leave. And they were big and aggressive. And when we first got here and I got photos of, I think I posted on my social media when I first came in, but I would go to my back door and there would just be a bunch of raccoons standing on two feet staring at me. And I was similar in that, like, you know, I'm not going to kill them. I wouldn't be against somebody grabbing them and removing them, but who wanted to be after that?

So I started asking around and the advice I got from somebody, which was really interesting was leave music alone.

on 24 7 where they are because they don't like that sound and then when they leave uh gate up the areas because you don't want to gate them up and trap them so i just i literally just put music on non-stop for a few days and it annoyed the hell out of them and they found someplace else so

There is a world where you create, you find stuff that's really annoying for chipmunks in your yard, like lights. I'm sure they don't, you know, either lights, sprinklers, some weirdness in your yard that chipmunks don't like. Yeah. And you kill them with annoyance. Yeah. You, you chipmunk the chipmunks. Ooh, there we go.

Now, Ben, obviously my first instinct is put shirts on them and get them singing, but that is the eight-year-old solution. And I have a grown man. Thank you for understanding. Let me ask you this. I'm just doing a quick little search here on Chipmunks. Is your yard dirty?

If you say you're not sure, easy solution. You're a filthy guy, my guy. Clean up. It's not dirty. After I finish eating Burger King, I throw the wrappers out my window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say define dirty, but no, I don't think it's really that dirty. Let me ask you this. Is there yard debris or, say, wood piles or grass clippings or sticks or things like that?

Nothing close to the house. Like we live, we back up to woods. So, and I have a fire pit back there where I have a wood pile and stuff like that, but that's pretty far away from the house. Okay. So what I'm reading is also that chipmunks hate peppermint, garlic, and hot spices. Do you think they're eating things in your yard? Is there any way to tell that? I mean, they're digging holes, but that might just be recreational.

So they are, they eat all of my wife's tulip bulbs. So she planted probably a hundred tulips last fall. They're just like awesome. Yeah, they're just gorgeous. We've created a buffet for them essentially that they love. And I bought like a spray to your point that is supposed to deter them. And I sprayed it everywhere and it worked for like a week on their back. What is a natural predator for a chipmunk? Is it a coyote there?

Probably a coyote or like an owl or a hawk. So you know what I would consider doing? And look, it might be running a mile to go a block, but I would get a bunch. I would try to go somewhere where you buy coyote piss.

Oh, that's cool. Oh, yeah. Right? Because... I could sell you some of that, too. We could do that offline. I got a bunch. I overbought. Because one thing you could do here is, you know, the chipmunks, it sounds like you don't have a filthy backyard. It sounds like they do have enough food to eat and they have enough storage there and they're in their neighborhood, so they're not going away. And I also read that chipmunks are prone to stress. So they're little anxious creatures. And so...

If you put something there, music or something that leads to their anxiety, they're going to go to a more comfortable place. I think what you've created and you don't realize it is a resort. And I think you feed them. You called it a buffet. I think they know that there's a murderer next door. And I think they know that Ben's a pushover. And Ben, what's your wife's name?

My wife's name is Dana. And I think they're staying at the Ben and Dana resort and they're as happy as they could be. And they go every once in a while, the manager comes out and gets mad. And who gives a rat's asshole? So it's what Dave did on Alvin and the chipmunks, not to keep returning to that trope, but you're for sure the Dave. And if you remember that show at all, they go in his house and they take over his life. And in the end, they bring a lot of joy. And so you got two options. One, open the door and make friends or two,

Stop turning your place into a resort and make their life stressful and uncomfortable. I would go with coyote piss. I would go with music. I would go with spotlights. Anything that they just go, let's find another area. And then your neighbor all of a sudden has 70 extra checkbooks. You don't want to peanut bucket them. No. Here's my favorite thing. Here's my favorite thing that I read just now, Ben, and I'm going to toss this hat into the ring, is...

Throw hair clippings all over your yard.

Why? It says that that sort of makes them think that you're dominant in the yard. And that also just sounds like a good time. Yeah, but hold on, Garrett. If you're going to say something on this show, you got to back it up. We both know that. You can't just read a headline. How would throwing, in your opinion, hair in the backyard show dominance over chipmunks, man? Because you're not the kind of guy who just believes everything you read.

Absolutely not, Jake. And that's why I would back it up with the nitrogen in human hair breaks. Offer your plants a natural fertilizer boost. I'm sorry, my throat is getting a little dry for some reason. And this is a Mississippi State University study by the Journal of Hort Technology. So I think that tossing some hair around your yard might scare them off a little bit.

So I'm going to recommend you and Dana either go to the supercuts or just trim it down to the base and toss your hair all over your yard. Worst case scenario, you have a hairy yard. So Ben, we're going to wrap this one up. We've given you some pretty mild advice on this one, but the way we like to finish is ask, what do you think you're going to do about the chipmunks and did we help at all? And if so, what are you doing? Well, so...

The hair idea is interesting. I shave my own head, so I do it every couple of weeks. So I think probably within a month or two, I'd have enough hair to make a difference. Probably with 70 chipmunks, you're going to need about 25 years, my guy. Yeah. So I might try that. I think I'll go with the annoyance route. That sounds fun. I can be annoying. Yeah.

We'll figure out, because when I was researching this as well, I found you can buy like vibration sticks that stick on the ground that kind of like send out. They sell vibration sticks on a lot of sites, buddy. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, I'm not going to tell you which site because mine were expensive. I know the ones. You know.

So yeah, so I think that's the route I'll go. I'm hoping it works. I'm hoping I do not have to drown them. No, I don't think you're going to need to. I say really annoy them for a while and take your place. Everything you think about when you're in your yard is make it not a chipmunk's paradise. Yeah, that's the goal. My wife has her way. I won't bite them in. No, you're not doing that. Ben, thank you for the call, buddy. Yeah, thank you guys. Bye, Ben. All the best. Good luck. Thanks.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.