121: Started Italian Ended Transylvanian with Eric Edelstein
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There were two elves. There were two elves. There were two elves.

*outro music*

- And we are back! - We are back! - With a cut intro that we're not going back to, G-Man. - Woo! - That's a good B-side. We'll put that on Patreon. - When you screw up your own intro, always a great start, always a great start. - That's a good one. All right, I'm gonna tell you one quick thing that happened, and it's the craziest thing I've seen. I was actually,

I taught I think I was talking to you quickly on the phone, Kevin, when I first saw this. What is it? I was driving through Arizona. This is like a week ago. Oh, yeah. This is going to sound Jake. This is going to sound Bergey and.

You're gonna be like this is Steve Bergey. Yeah, okay. Just please listen to me by the way I talked to that King today. He's coming into town soon. Oh Wow great. Uh never bad. The town is better when Steve's here great. Um, there's less work I'm just driving down the freeway and I see this is gonna sound crazy I see a plane coming in for a landing. This is an Arizona coming in for a landing and it's not moving and

What does that mean? It means it wasn't moving. And your reaction is right. What does that mean? That's crazy.

I'm telling you, I saw a frozen plane. Frozen plane, not moving. Kevin, you're believing Gareth saw everything correctly, was totally sober, was not sleep deprived. Your thoughts on this setup? My theory was he was moving at like the same speed as the plane and it just seemed like neither were moving because he was like, holy shit, dude, a plane is hovering above me. It's not even moving. But this is the theory.

Okay, but hold on. Hold on. That's interesting. This is the theory, right? I had a show that night. I brought this up. But, okay. So that's what a couple people were saying, and that's what some of the stuff said online. So I ended up having to go turn around, and as I'm going down the freeway, I see the plane moving again. This is after like 30 seconds of it not moving. The plane starts moving again, goes in for a landing. All right. Eight minutes later, I'm coming back down around because I'm trying to find my hotel. And as I'm coming around...

I see another plane not moving. Different plane. Now, I understand you look and I'm just stop. Another plane. What's my direction? I'm listening to a story that I've not heard on the news. They don't want you to know. Well, I haven't heard it online.

It's out there. The theory is basically what Kevin said. It is the craziest thing I've ever seen. And this is what I'm going to say. It is not the way that I was driving because sure, maybe for a minute, if you're like, oh yeah, that plane looks like it, but it's moved. These planes, that life is a hologram and there was a problem with it. Thank you guys so much for listening. We appreciate all the feedback. We love you guys so much. Thank you guys. Bye.

Hi. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Taylor. Taylor? Where are you from, Taylor? I'm from Marietta, Georgia. So your name is Taylor. You're from Georgia. And you are on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, who one time, last time we did this, I called Gareth for no reason. I'm still embarrassed by that. Yeah, it's like how my dad would say it when I was a child. Is that right? Yeah, his accent's all messed up because it was England and America.

Maybe that's my thing. No, I don't think it was. And then you've got a special guest from the movie Self Reliance. Mr. Eric Edelstein. Welcome to the show, Eric. Hi, I'm America's character actor and I'm here to help. So Taylor and Eric.

So Taylor, what can we do for you today? What is the problem? Okay. So the problem is, is I love my in-laws, but we have a little bit of an issue. So my husband and I are about to spend a week with them and they're in charge of the meals and everything. And all they eat is red meat for every single meal.

No sides, no nothing. And my husband and I rarely eat. No, nothing. Just red meat. Are they wolves? For every single meal. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, that is insane to just be like, here's your meat. It's intense. It's like what zookeepers do.

Okay, so red meat. You should open their refrigerator. Okay. Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Breakfast? And they'll even save the fat. Yeah, they'll save the fat from the night before and pour it over the meat the next day just to add a little more. Just, you're not using hyperbole. They literally, for breakfast, expect you to have red meat. Yes. Their whole refrigerator is an entire house.

Okay. With fat poured on it. Okay. All right. I'll get over this. Let's keep going. Well, the nice thing is however long this happens, you don't have to worry about them that much longer because they're not long for this world with a ton of light. Yeah. You know how they want to be. Yeah. Taking care. We want, when we pass, we want you to eat us. Yeah. Okay. So keep going, Taylor. So it's meat every meal. You're going to be with them for a week.

Yes. And we don't want to offend them, but they even freeze butter and put it in their coffee to add more fat. So Taylor, we're with you. They have a different type of diet than you. We're going to move past that. Where are we at? Is the call? What do you do for food while you're there?

Exactly. I need advice to be respectful, but not eat red meat for every single meal. Okay, because I'm going to say this. You might actually have a... It seems like you got three beefy guys on this call, but here's the truth. Gareth is basically vegan. Well, vegetarian. Vegetarian, but you were vegan for a while. I tried it for a minute. There was a while you used to party, and then you only drank juices for a while and got very skinny. Yes. Thank God I've left that behind. Eric has cut out sugar.

I'm basically vegan with fish, like salmon. And I don't fuck with octopus after watching my octopus teacher. And I'm a guy who used to have a cheeseburger and fries and a beer every day, and now I don't really do red meat, and I don't really do dairy. So here's what I'm going to say. All three of us,

have entered the world where you're that guy around other friends and you have to say, I don't eat that, I eat this. So Taylor, is this kind of about looking for advice to not offend mom and dad, but for fuck's sake, you're not eating butter and meat for breakfast because it's too much for you. Exactly. Coffee and steak for breakfast is like... It's too much. Like Joe Rogan would be like, pump the... It's too much. Right.

Well, he's eating like lean elk, Joe. He's not eating frozen butter. Can you pack elk? Yes. And it's Georgia. Okay, that actually tracks a little bit. It is a wild problem. Let me ask you this. Well, they live in Alabama. What does your husband think of this? Oh, that's interesting. Does your husband think this is strange or is he like, why are you weirded out by this? I think he's with Taylor. No, he also thinks it's strange because we eat maybe...

Red meat every two weeks. That's good. I got to have a part. I'm ready to pitch. All right, go. I think this is a clean one. I think we all know what this is. Yeah. I think what it is is I think you're going to eat more red meat than you usually eat. You are a visitor. So you do eat meat. So when your father-in-law cooks the big steak, do the dinner. But I would bring groceries and I would say that you guys are on a certain thing where you have your own section of the fridge. So it's no disrespect, but this is the kick you're on. Right.

Okay. How do you feel about that? Because if you don't love that, I have a way to maybe use that for a different pitch. Do you feel like you can do that with this coming up so soon? I feel like they're really excited about it. They've been doing it for a year and this is the first time they're in control of all the meals. So they're going to want us to

to do it with them. Right. So they really want you to eat their food. So I really, that's pretty much a lot that they talk about. Okay. So I think you might have to grin and bear this trip, but I think Jake's pitch is good, but we need to think of that as for the next trip. Now, I don't love, hold on. This is a big trip. Well, I mean, a week of meat?

You enjoy meat week. I mean, they're excited. It's going to be weird if you show up with celery and be like- But what would you do, Garf? You don't eat meat. Well, they would know that. So what I would do is I would get ready for ridicule, which I'm very used to, and I would just sit there while people are like, how's your corn? Ha!

We're going to end up eating this guy. And I'm like, ah, it's very funny. Let's talk about, I'd go to a man, I'd be like, the NFL, people would be like, oh, he's all right. Even though he just eats trees. What I would say is, and I hate to make it a fib, but sometimes a fib is good. I would say in between this trip and the next trip when you see them,

One of you has gotten some advice from a doctor. I would say do it now. I love what you're doing. We don't have time. A whole week of fucking butter for breakfast? It's crazy. I think you could be okay being like, you know, I have butter in my coffee this morning. Hey, Taylor, what do you think of you and your husband lying and saying that you had a blood work done and they said, and this is to say to mom and dad, you guys do you. But you went to a doctor. Do you guys have kids?

No, no kids. Are you considering kids or no?

Yes, considering. That's good, too. Here's what I'm going to say to Grandma and Grandpa. That's for future. Here's what I'm going to say to Grandma and Grandpa. You're going to say you went to a doctor and they said for fertility reasons. Oh, wow. Oh, my. The meat right now for your blood makeup, Taylor, there's something about it that is making it a little bit trickier. And you go like, look, we're dying to make you guys grandparents. Right. And I'll tell you what Grandpa's going to say. Stay away from the goddamn butter, honey. Well. Because I will.

on a gram, baby. I think that's great. I worry that this leaves your husband on an island, but I think we might be so close that this might be time to not worry about friendships. I think you might have to leave your husband who's probably used to eating like an owl. He can eat some. Yeah, he can eat some. Yeah. He can eat some, but I think that that is great. That's a great direction to take it. But he could also, hey, Taylor, in terms of your husband, who's this a bigger issue for, you or him?

Me, 100%. Okay, great. And your arteries. Yes. But I think for him, it's like when your wife gets pregnant and you have a baby, you both get fat, right? It's something that happens. So in solidarity with you, he could say to his parents,

I got to eat this smoothie for breakfast because of Taylor. But I would love to have pork chops at 7 a.m. I'd love to have coffee with bacon in it. I'm not an idiot. I'm a normal guy like you, Mom and Dad. My wife wants to have a baby that doesn't weigh 31 pounds at birth. And so, Taylor, what do you... She doesn't want to get a D-section. What do you kind of think early on about a lie? I feel like I could do it. I just...

And then they would feel sorry for me and they would just have to keep growing. No, it wouldn't. I think you could do a small one. Okay. I think you have a couple options. You can either for this upcoming trip sneak meals and just not eat as much as they want to give you.

And then for the next trip, really tee this up. Tee this up so that their fridge isn't full of extra chops or whatever the fuck they're called. But when's the next trip? Two years from now? No, a year minimum. How often do you go down to Alabama, Taylor? We see them pretty often. Okay. I would tee it up for them. But maybe we could go out to eat. We could plan a meal out. Great. That's great. I got to go to you for a second, Taylor, and then remember where you're at. I don't.

I already lost it. Same, same, same. I don't even know. I get it. Who is she? I don't know where we are. Oh, meat call. Go ahead. Um,

Taylor, we could go down a lot of directions, but we got to tap into you. Where are you at right now? What are you kind of feeling? I feel like I could somehow just eat a little bit at every meal to please them. Maybe I could bring stuff to make a side dish and actually excited about it. And then they wouldn't want to offend me. Like I don't want to offend them. I don't know. I feel like if I lie, I'm going to laugh.

Okay. So the lies. So if the lies out and it's just bringing stuff, but you don't want to lie to get to what you're eating,

Then you just got to bring other. Eric, what do you do when you go someplace and they want you to eat more if you're going back? Well, what I love about because, you know, you're describing the madman that you met that ate everything, drank everything. Why now haven't had a drink in seven years? And that's after being on Drunk History and everybody trying to. It has allowed me to build boundaries that I love. And I think, yes, there's the lying, but you're going to be in a web of this and going back soon.

I will also say my time in the South, Southern hospitality is a real thing. Yeah. They're real friendly. They want you to be comfortable. And I think this is an invitation for her to kind of be honest here and say, I just need vegetables. My doctor said it. That's a white lie, but like to continue going down there eating insane amounts of meat. Now, all that being said, the last time I had meat was when I was in the South.

was when i went to visit my uncle pino in alba italy and because we were honored guests every meal they kept bringing us steak tartar and i know you do it how does this sound here's the steak tartar here you go kind of transylvanian but i was sitting there eating raw meat with egg and swallowing like a pill and my wife was doing the same and

And he has this amazing cook. And then eventually I see she's not eating it. I'm like, oh, what about you and the tartar and rye? She's like, oh, I'm a vegetarian. So then that was kind of an invitation for me to say, I'm so honored that you're bringing me this raw meat, but I'm actually kind of hilariously vegetarian too. And it allowed me to build a boundary. What a great job for a cook when you're not actually cooking. No, it's just throw the raw meat and rye. So Taylor, here's where we're kind of at.

We're kind of at like a nice, sincere version of you create boundaries with your in-laws from Alabama and you say, like, I just want to eat a little bit less. That feels like a very easy solution. And if you had it, I don't think you would have called us because if you're in a situation where you could just talk to these people, I don't see you emailing a podcast for help.

I think right now you're afraid of the solution because the fucking solution is dangerous because sometimes you got to walk through fire to get to the zone you want to be in. So if you're going to say, I'm just eating more vegetables. Well, why the fuck are you calling us?

The reason you're calling us is, you know, they're not taking that. And you're going to be drinking butter in 10 days and you don't want to drink butter in 10 days. So I'm asking you to pull up your big girl pants and tell a fucking lie. Yeah, there we go. All right. You're telling me you're going to laugh. Yes. I'm telling you, you're going to die from the fucking mess.

meat juice. Am I out of line here? No, you're in line. She's out of line. I don't mean that offensively, Taylor. I'm sorry. I got a little spicy. Taylor, do you want to drink fucking butter or do you want to have a smoothie? You gotta pick. But she's saying she's going to laugh if she lies. Lying is not intuitive as it is to us three. Let's just be honest here. I like the blood work. You like the blood work. I can do that. I can't do the

fertility and all that. Fair. So then all you've got to do, and here's what I would even do then if you're afraid of doing it face to face, there's an easy move and that is an email. And that is, I think tee it up. Hey guys, FYI, so excited to come. I mean, if you want, we'll help you write the email right now. Yes, please help me. It, it might also help if your husband does the email.

Do you think he could do that? Yes, I agree. Okay. I think if your husband does. I think he could do that. Yes. So I think an email from your husband, and we can write it, but I think the email is from your husband just giving your parents a heads up that you've kind of turned a page. Garf, I'm going to start writing it.

Okay, I think that you've sort of turned a page and if he wants the sidecar that a little as you're kind of you want him to be eating a little bit healthier. No, no, no, because then you're judging their eating. Okay, yes, right. Taylor, here's what I say you do from him. What's his name again? Or what name can we call him? Butcher. His name is Jay. Jay. Jay goes like this. Hey, mom and dad. Can't wait to see you. So excited.

Just got some news, not dramatic, but Taylor got her blood work done and was recommended. They're going to be hungry when they hear that, by the way. And was recommended. That's what we call dinner, blood work. Was recommended by her doctor to eat less meat, more vegetables and tofu. Yuck. Yuck.

Yes. Great. But what we're thinking of doing, because we're excited about what you guys are doing, she's still going to have a few of the big dinners because she wouldn't miss it. Yes. But we're going to bring some stuff that's more just for her. But we wanted you to know, don't be offended. Yes. We're thrilled to be there, but we just have to do this right now. That's great. She's a little disappointed. So let's not push the better options. No, you could tell that you wrote self-reliance. That just came out.

so easily. So Taylor, what is... I think that's great. And Kevin, we can even just send her that audio if she's interested in transcribing that. But now Taylor, where are you at with that? Yes, that was perfect. I think that is perfect. And then you do the thing where you bring stuff up and while you're there, then you can do the talk of saying like,

you know, I'm excited about this. I'm a little bit healthier. And you don't have to judge them. They're doing their life. But you now have your own corner that they can judge when you're gone and go, well, you also, what I do a lot of times is diffuse it by putting, you know, by going like,

I'm this is so annoying. I like you don't need to go that far, but be like, I know it's like it is tough, but I'm trying to figure it out. You can have like a complicated relationship with it, not to the point where you feel like you're lying, but you're just sort of could also do Garth. You could do the like the what's your father in law? What are we calling him? Let's just call him daddy. You could say like, oh, daddy, that steak looks so good. Yeah.

Oh, it smells so good. Are we in a Tennessee Williams novel? Yeah, Daddy was crazy. It just hurt the piss. Daddy, I don't want the raw meat today. Oh, that...

Daddy's deeply closeted. Can't give me my frozen butter. That buttered coffee smells like angels, Chris. Oh, my God. No, Taylor, I was just talking about Daddy and then Ma. It's 1874. The war has been tough on this family. Close the windows or we'll dust the dinner. Look outside. It's more meat. And so what do you think about that, talking to Daddy and Ma after your husband sends them the letter?

Do you think we're in a zone you're going to do, Taylor? Yes. Yes. I think I can act like I'm really disappointed I'm missing out a little bit. I think that's what I want to do. Complicated feelings with it. Yes. So what we're going to do, because on this show, we don't like to just chase our own goddamn tail like they do, you know, back in the day, right? We're trying to get something done here. So Kevin's going to send you the email. And could you send it after you send it to him? Could you have your husband take a photo of the scent?

So that we know what happened. We can follow up with you and we can get a little update. And find out their reaction. And yeah, their reaction could be really helpful. Maybe we'll bring you back on to see what, you know, daddy and ma had to say about this. I think we're good to drop the names probably by now. We'll just say you're in-laws. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But just whatever Mama and Pop-Pop say. Ask Peepaw. Peepaw. I was looking for Peepaw. Yeah, ask Peepaw. Yeah, thank you. I was like, I know I'm close to it, but it's not Daddy and Mom. I feel further away. But yeah, I think that's right. Now you feel like this is good? You're good to go here, basically?

I think this is great. I will give them a shout out. They both have lost a bunch of weight doing this diet. Sure. Yeah. So last, last but not least, cows lost a lot of weight too. To take us out of this call a little bit.

Do you want to hear from Bill Walton? We have him in studio. Yeah, Bill just actually has a podcast here. He just walked in. He was overhearing a little. Go ahead. Look, my second year with the Trailblazers, they did an intervention with me because I wasn't eating meat. This is real. John Wooden hated this.

but I dug down. Sure, my legs broke constantly over and over again, but the truth is I didn't hurt any animals, and neither will you, Taylor. You tell Peepaw and Meemaw you have boundaries now and use Jake Johnson's lies. She'll still eat some meat, though, Bill, just to be clear. Yes, oh, well, fantastic. We love this. Have a little bit of meat. I do now, too, and my legs don't break all the time. Yeah, great. So, Taylor, I think this was a really special moment. We also had...

We had the great Walton come in here and close it off. Unreal. Will you please follow up with us? Of course. Thank you guys so much for your help. Thank you for the call. We appreciate you, Taylor. Yes. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye. That was awesome. Look at you.

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Hello. Hey, can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm going to go with Joy. Hey, Joy. Hi, Joy. Where are you from, Joy? I am from Hamilton, Ontario. Ontario. Nice. And what can we do for you today, Joy? Yeah, so I am a head coach and a player on a women's ringette team just outside of Toronto. On a ringette team? We play like the...

Yeah. Okay. What's the donut thing? It's basically like hockey, but instead of having a blade on the end of your stick, it's just a stick. And then it goes into a ring instead of using a puck. So it's like if Quidditch met the ice?

I mean, I don't want to call it that because I enjoy it. And that sounds like an insult. Okay. All right. Whatever. Okay. So it's a game. Okay. Eventually I'll see a photo of it and I'll get it more. Yeah. Okay. So you're a head coach of Ring It and a player. You're the Pete Rhodes of your team. Because you're gambling. Head coach and player. Yeah. I love that role. Love that role.

Thank you. It's the lowest level that like we play in the lowest level of competitive. So we still go and travel and play against other teams in the region. And last season, we really kind of tanked. Like we only won one game out of the 20 that we play throughout the season. And it was pretty, it was, yeah, it was pretty bad. And it was also surprising because we do,

We do have a pretty good mix of players. Some people are really good and they just play in the low level because they don't want the commitment of having to do a bunch of practices. We don't practice. We only play games. And some players, of course, are actually not as good. But for the most part, we're, I would say, pretty competitive, except for the fact that we have a not so great goalie. So it feels like our goalie is kind of like...

letting us down. And we had a lot of disgruntled players. So as the coach, I felt like it was time for me to see if there were other goalies out there. And so I reached out on Facebook to some people and I did get some interest. And now my problem that I'm hoping you can help me with is how do I tell my current goalie that we are replacing her? What's your current goalie's first name? I'll call her Emma. Emma. And who do you want to replace them with? Can we get a name?

There's actually two girls. I'll go with Sarah and Michelle. I have a pitch. I did, too. Is it the same? I bet it's the same one I have. You go first. Well, I think... Give them poison. Kill them. Melt the ice and then make it a swimming thing. All right, what's your pitch? I think that this is what NFL teams do with a kicker.

They will bring in a couple people to compete. And you just go, look, it's competition. I mean, this is what it is. It's probably going to hurt the feelings a little bit. But if you are like... This ain't Kumbaya. This ain't summer camp. Yeah, if you're like, look, we won one game last year. Fucking bring it. So we're going to bring in a couple people. And as the head coach, you're looking to win. So we're on the same page here, Joy. And I think what you've got to do is you bring all three of them out. Yep, three at the same time. You do a full-on competition where you do like...

100 shots each. Top two are on the team. Bottom one's out of the top two. Who's your starter? Do it again. Yep.

Make them compete. I agree. Iron sharpens iron. I don't think this is one where we get weird. We make up some weird story about a leprechaun fell out of the sky. It's not a bad pitch. I think we go clean here. Joy, you take this goddamn team seriously. And when somebody goes like, I think the way you handled Emma was bullshit. You go, I think winning one game was bullshit. Yeah. If you, if you, if you'd like won a number of games, I mean, you won one game. Or if you were replacing, cause you're like, I don't like Emma. No,

No, the one game we won, it was when we actually had a different goalie. Come on. What's going on here? Yeah, Joy, as the head coach, you know what you're looking for? And I don't disagree with you one bit here. You're looking for two people to blame when the team gets mad, and we'll take the fall. Yeah, no question. You can put it on, yeah. Blame it on us. Blame it on the show. But this is an open competition. You know if you're a bunch of hunters and one hunter doesn't catch any of the meat

You know what at a certain point you got to do? Eat that hunter. Nope. Eat what you kill. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what? We're out here in the woods. I'm carrying this back. I'm eating and you go like this. I get the liver. Yeah. What? Walking around with me? It's getting strange, obviously. I mean, I think the thing is it's a goalie.

If this was like a player, like just someone, you know what I mean? You can kind of sub them out a little bit. A goalie is so essential. And I think a goalie knows they're essential. And then you won one game and it was the game where Emma didn't play. You know what you could do, Joy? You could do a competition, bring the whole team there.

And get everybody cheering, hopped up, get everybody excited. So it's as if it's a game where your defense plays defense, your offense plays offense. So you feel how the goalie would feel. And you have some version of prizes. So even the person who loses gets a gift. It's a fun day. It's not you're out because we hate you. And it's the other two are alternatives if anything ever happens.

If they want to try to find a way on the roster as another spot, there's a possibility. But this is a you make a statement to the team. We won one game last year. Next game, we're winning five. Who's in? Who's out? I got. OK, right off of that. Yeah. What if you do get the whole team there? They watch the tryouts or whatever. However, you want to do it. Survivor, don't turn it into a vote.

And go ahead. Yeah, hold on. I'm just thinking of a different pitch. Here's why I say that. You're going to start getting in with this group of people. A lot of hurt feelings, a lot of BS, a lot of politics. This ain't about we don't like Emma. This is about the numbers. You might be our best friend. We might love you. We have to win games.

It's true. I mean, I'm just thinking of a way to take the direct onus off of you because she's the head coach. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, that's what it is. Joy, are you going to do a competition?

Yeah, I think, I think like we've talked about renting some ice over the summer. So I'm wondering if maybe we could just get like the whole team plus these new goalies out and we could just let like, I can then be, um, make the, make the final decision, but I can also get some feedback from the players too and say like, who did you guys think was best? And then we can. Yeah. But I also, I think, I think you make it in a world joy where you take away the conversation of who did you think was the best? Here's the beauty of sports.

There's an answer. So if one woman saves six out of 10, one woman saves eight out of 10, a woman serves one out of 10. The fuck you talking about? Who moved the best? Well, I mean, there's you know, I think look, I think pretty much Jake's right. But you could say I mean, look, you can say open it up to the team. You're open. You're listening. You're a good coach. You know what I mean?

So maybe that's it. Maybe you do a competition. Maybe you make it a little bit of fun. Maybe you try to do something with the three competitors there. You make it a little bit of gamemanship for them. Maybe each one can make a speech beforehand. Yeah. You thank them all. You send out the email where it's a, you turn it into like a version of a, like a TV reality show, like squid game.

You turn it into something where you're like, this is going to be fun and crazy. The three goalies each get a specialty shirt. I competed in the first ever ring. You know, what's it called again? Ring it. Ring it. The death of two goalies.

I also let's cap the day with some pizza so that everybody has a minute to just kind of decompress and everybody finishes. You guys go out to your favorite restaurant. You drink a bunch of beer. The two ladies who did not make it are welcome. Yeah. What do you think, Joy?

Yeah, I think that's a great idea. Yeah, that's, I mean, it kind of fits in with like the idea we had anyways of getting some ice over the summer just to like keep in touch, but it also will help solve the problem. And I think in that email, you make one bold statement and you say, no matter what next season, we need to win three games.

Okay. If you're the head coach of a loser, well, guess what? You got to start somewhere. I mean, but that's like, he's the head coach. But listen. I'd be like 10. Look, we want to go from one to 10. What's a number that you feel fair, Joy?

And the reason I say this is it's going to help with this competition because you're telling everybody. Nobody's asking. We leave it all out there this season. We're getting 1.5. We're getting three wins. But what's a number that you feel fair? I would say five. Okay. All right. Moving from like one, like 10% up to like 25 feels like a pretty good improvement over the summer. Joy, I have an idea. There we go. Something happened. I have an idea of how to do this to make this feel even cleaner. You say the subject email is...

Summer get-together. Next year, we need to be a five-win team. Every position is up for grabs, including mine. It is a practice battle royale. You then do a secret ballot. Survivor. Survivor. Welcome back.

And here's why. They could vote off the goddamn coach. And here's what's going to happen, Joyce. 95% of the positions are going to stay the same.

And the goalie might switch, but you might have to play with fire. Here are our options for you. Play with fire, open everything up, turn it into survivor, ask for a five-game season, or two, just a goalie competition. The players are invited, take them out for pizza. Joy from Ontario, head coach of the Ring It team. What are you going to do?

I think I'm going to go with the competition for goalies only because, I mean, not that I think I would get voted out, but that just, I think could end up with people's feelings getting hurt. Great. And then can you follow up with us afterwards? Yep. Let us know. And then are you going to put in there how many wins you guys want next year? Are you going to drop that?

I'm going to try to say I really want to win five games next year. Let's try to make it happen. Because I think part of this show, if you follow up with us, and we hope you do, is your record next year is important to us. Yep. We want shirts. Yes, I will. I will follow up for sure. Thank you so much for your help. I'm a big fan of the show also. I've been listening since day one. That means a lot to us. Thank you very much. You've got great taste, and we appreciate it. Good luck. Thank you very much. Thank you.

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I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Well, tell us what you want to tell us. The floor is yours. You know how this show works. We're at nearly 100 episodes, or at this point when we air it, we're past 100, so go ahead. Gotcha. Yeah, well, I'm Bo from Portland, Oregon. I'm 37, I think. And, yeah, every other month I host a poker game with a bunch of my buddies. Do you ever call it Boaker?

No, I don't. Thanks for calling. Hold on. It's just an option. What did we have for a while that lady was going to go like, remember we had some sound? Okay. Bo, Portland, 37, poker, floor is yours.

Yeah. I host it in my unfinished basement that we affectionately call the dungeon because there's only a hanging light over the table. But I've got a pool of like 15 to 20 guys that I'll send a text out whenever we're going to do this. And I've noticed that a lot more are ghosting and we're only getting, you know, six to eight regularly. And so I'm trying to think of some ideas that would create some more excitement and, you know, good

the people coming we're novices so we're not trying to you know make it by the way oh sorry to interrupt i just saw your poker room it looks awesome i'm not kidding you i i played uh when i was making the movie i was making a movie in atlanta and one of them what its name is it's a great movie well i can't i think it was let's be cops but i can't remember oh i thought there was a couple let it right there was a couple of them in atlanta um but

uh one of the guys on the crew talked to me about poker and we ended up going to an illegal poker room behind a subway restaurant and in the back it looked like this but there was like a weird security guard with a gun in the corner and then like 15 boxes of domino's pizza

Wow. It was a nearly perfect evening. And you're getting those illegal gambling room vibes in here. Yeah, it definitely looks like where people who are incarcerated would play. It also looks like somebody is going to get murdered there.

Yeah, it looks like a setup. I would say my only note is put some tarps down. It looks like a murder is going to take place. So, Bo, the kind of question is you used to have 15. It has faded down to six. How can we get excitement back? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Let me ask you a real question. What's going on with that game? Because it's probably not the e-mails.

I don't think people are like, I love the game, love the weird room. His email wasn't exciting, and that's why I'm bailing. What kind of games are you playing at that poker night? It's just text. But we're just doing either a tournament, like a freeze out, no limit hold'em. We have done some bomb pot.

Omaha stuff. But for the most part, a bunch of novices and a lot of fish, you know? And so we want to make sure they keep coming ultimately. And what's your buy-in? What's the stakes of this? Are you guys playing for nickels and dimes or are you playing for real money? Well, we're doing like 40 to 50 bucks. We're trying to keep it up.

Nothing terrible, but like you know you'll if you win you'll walk out with like 250 or so pretty good pretty fun for a bunch of people just starting and then you got to be honest with us because there's something missing in this equation and something we found in this show is later things get revealed that will go like oh well that makes more sense if at one point you had 15 and now you got six what the hell's going on at that game you got somebody at that table who's really annoying what's happening.

No, my main rule is no assholes, except for me, I guess. So we keep it, but I mean, most, the pool group are all dads. That's one of the issues. Okay, that's hard. And so what, so I was in a weekly poker game with my dear friend, Jeff Baina, who hosts, and it started at 9 p.m. and it went till 5 in the morning. Jesus Christ. It's the best. It's crazy.

I mean, by 2 a.m., a lot of people leave, but then there's just a few degenerates being like, should we put them all in and play flip a coin? Oh, yeah. Flip a coin. Oh, you want to play guts again? Yeah. Rock, paper, scissors. But what happened with kids is I can't do those nights. So what are the hours of this game, Bo?

We're going about 8 to midnight to 1 if you make it to the end of the tournament. Pretty good. Gareth, what are you thinking here? I'm feeling like I don't have all the info, but I think he's giving us all the info. Well, I don't know. I mean, I've been in poker games. I never played as much as you, but you would just kind of like interest with just Wayne or you would find another game or I don't know. Eventually, I did have to say to a guy who kept sending me texts, hey, I don't need to be on this anymore. Yeah.

I would say it's maybe less... I would say you can have a two-pronged approach. One is stoking it for the people who are already on the text, and the other is...

Maybe you need to find some new people and maybe there's a way to make it a little more interesting. I know Jake likes what he sees when he sees the the place where it looks like you've been locked up for a weekend and he thinks that's enticing. But maybe you want to come up with a little bit. I agree. I might be I might be the minority on that. So I would say you could do a couple of things. One thing you could do is you could send out the like.

the kind of veiled threat of the like, hey guys, we're only getting six people, so I think I'm going to kill... You tell your core six, hey, I'm not killing the game. I'm just trying to get these guys to come back. I'm thinking of killing the game unless we start to get the numbers up. Another thing you could do is you could ask every person who's playing the game to bring someone with them

You also you could try to get like some kind of sponsor. So every week you're going to get like some free thing, like every week, like Jake said, Domino's Pizza. I mean, did you hear how excited this grown man was about Domino's Pizza? It's not it's a low bar. It's been over 10 years. I'm still talking about that. It's not going to take much to make the people be like, man, it's worth it because look, they have little Caesars or whatever the hell. That's a good question. Bo, are you are you providing food and drinks?

I provide, usually I'll get pizzas and then bring your own beer. Okay, I mean...

What do you think about it? There's a couple of people who are sober and there's a couple of people who only partake in 420, things like that. We do have this thing that we do that's come up. I was thinking maybe there's more bits that would be good, but we made it where if someone messes up dealing because everybody shares the dealing responsibilities, they have to take a shot of rumblement. I don't know if that helps.

So I got a question for you. Is this a group of friends or is this just a group of weird dads who your kids go to school together? It's the core, like the core, like six or seven would be close friends. And then the outside are our parents or people that we've, you know, you're trying to fold into the, it's, I gotta say, if you, I think your, your group is a six or seven night and a six or seven shorthanded poker game is a great game. And if you get extras, awesome.

But it sounds like you've got a group. I would say maybe as a way to add extras, you could do every week is themed like you could have a Kathy Ireland theme. Right. And so wild first poll. What is our Kathy Ireland night? We're just doing what? Kathy Ireland posters. What are we doing? Cover those white walls with posters of beautiful Kathy Ireland. Kathy Ireland is the first poster.

Did nine-year-old you just jump into the mix of this call? I saw a Midwestern basement. Kevin, do you even know who Kathy Ireland is? No idea. Look at that little baby. He doesn't even know Kathy Ireland is you old weirdo. But you do, Gareth. I do, and I think it's a great idea. Thanks, buddy. She's gorgeous. Gorgeous. In every way. She's the greatest. Ha ha ha.

but something that though, something there's a theme each week and the first couple of weeks you do it. And Gareth is right that the walls are a little boring that maybe you could throw stuff on the wall. So people go and part of what their experience is, it's like, well, it's a fun night and Bo does a little bit of work. You could do cowboy night where it's got a Western vibe. You make it really cheap and easy. Maybe we say that,

Before the game starts or after the game, someone wins the night. So someone gets 20 bucks for best cowboy, for most obsessed with Kathy Ireland. Superlatives. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a little bit of a play on that could maybe be a way to stoke it. I also think... Go ahead. No, you go. I also think we could maybe make a little fake ad for him right here to send to his buddies, and then his buddies could send this to a couple people, and we could just be like, hey, look...

You like poker? You like partying? You like pizza? You like prop bets? Bo's basement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really interesting. Now, but here's... Yeah, so here's my question. We could do that for sure, and I think we do do that for sure. But, Bo, are you going to do any of those things like prop bets? Because...

If we're advertising for something and people come and it's just seven guys and you're like, I got two pizzas. They're like, this was the same thing. But then two guys did a podcast video. What's going on, man? Are you okay? It could amp up the sadness, sure. But are you looking to make changes to the game? Or do you just want a little hype fun and we'll see if we could bust your numbers up a little bit?

Hey, I'm open to either. I love the video, the advertisement to send out. And that could be like, as I introduce new people. Hey, look, we're podcast famous. I like the idea of the theme nights too. And I could even throw it out to my buddies. Like, hey, look, you're in charge of the theme. I think that's fine.

You could also, you got that TV just kind of lurking there like a real weirdo. What you could do is on that TV, you could do something. That was a dig. That was a dig. We're here to help. We're not here to hurt. I'm helping. But you could like, let's say it is Cowboy Night. You put on the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Let's say you want to have a Charlie Bronson evening. Kathy Ireland nights. Kathy Ireland nights. And let's say you're obsessed with the theme of Kathy Ireland and you won't let it go. You could throw necessary roughness on the old screen behind. Necessary roughness is it.

I have a question. I think that's a lot of fun. Yeah. Something I heard recently from a friend who's a pretty active poker player, like a faux pas he's been seeing is like people kind of conversation killing the vibe a little bit of like talking to, like telling a really long story in the middle of it. How is the flow? Is it like too much poker where people aren't seeming to have fun or is it too conversational? There's no such thing as too much poker at a poker night, Kevin. That's true. Yeah.

Is it too much poker there? It's pretty lax for the most part. We make the blinds like 30

30 minutes because I know people are going to talk more than play. You know what I might do, actually, Bo? I got to jump in here because this is something Jeff Bain, his game, who hosted, we had a lot of conversations about how you get hurt doing jujitsu, Garth. Yeah. Just stretching the shoulder. Yeah. Well, some guy keeps calling me a bully. That's just like... So you're pretending to be injured? What's your idea, bully boy? Ha ha ha!

Go, boy, boy. Gaslight. Bullying. Saying gaslighting while gaslighting. Here's my idea. You could send a group email out to everybody and get privately...

what they would want out of this game because some people like poker nights where they're like you know we'll just all put in five bucks and we'll just play like i've been invited to games where people go like dude it's just a lot of great people and i'm like yeah are you playing i go yeah they go dude we'll do like a ten dollar buy-in and we'll talk for hours and i'm like i can shoot me in the dick pat yeah i want to stay up till 5 a.m well i'm doing this because i like the game of poker so if it's on you and you're in the

I'm not listening to a podcast. We're playing poker. Finish your hand and you can talk if you're not in the hand. But some people like the opposite. So I feel like you need to figure out what your game is. You know what this, you know, your game needs, Bo? A goddamn identity. What are you hosting? Your basement is so vague that

There's no theme. Your game is a bunch of beginners, but you're playing, but you're talking, but you're doing 30 minute blinds and the buy-ins 40 bucks and you can win 200. And some people come, some people don't. You got a couple of pizzas. God damn it, Bo. What are we running on? You call it the dungeon? Then turn it into the fucking poker dungeon. Am I wrong, Garrett? No, you're not wrong, but I mean. I'm not saying anything though. Yeah, you kind of went nowhere. Uh, yeah.

No, I don't think it's a bad idea. I think it's still kind of under the same thing, though. It's kind of basically like, look, you want to make it more of an interesting event. I think I know that when I would go play poker, I would pretty much want to play poker. That's not to say you can't have a smoke break or a weed break or a shot break or any of that shit. But you want to kind of keep it focused. You just are in a white room with a TV and a bunch of chairs. It looks like an insane asylum. I think you could spice it up a little bit. Start to theme it.

You know, if at the end of every game someone throws in five bucks...

The next week, you can have a good thing of food there. It's not just going to be pizzas. You can change it up a little bit, make it a little bit more interesting. I also wish your third break was, you said shop, but I thought you said shop, and I was down inside. Yeah, shop break. Everyone goes online. Everybody stops, gets on Amazon, and buys three trickens that we really love. Yeah, get some shorts. I think that's cool. But keep going. What were you finishing? Well, so I basically think that's the move. You can make it a little more interesting, and you tell your friends, hey, look,

find a person bring a person in let's just kind of get the numbers up a little bit because obviously you want more people there hey bo can i ask you a question yeah what's your dream poker night walk us through it and i'm not talking about what you have i'm talking about what you want what does the room look like what's the vibe what's the game what's the buy-in what do you want bo

Yeah, I mean, I'd like the buy-in to be a little higher, but I'd like 10,000. Hold on. So hold on. The buy-in a little higher. What would you like the buy-in to be? I think a fun buy-in with people who are committed would be $75 to $100. Okay. So let's say $100 buy-in. Okay. Let's just talk. We're talking. We're talking. Keep going. So you want 10 people there, $100 buy-in. That's what you were saying? Yeah. And are you playing just hold them? Are you doing dealer's choice? What are you doing?

I like the idea of it mainly does no limit, but then once a round, it alternates where then it's a choice where they can make something wild card or change the game. Just sort of keep it spicy. You know what could be fun as a way to get this going and increase? Because what you need is you're going to have your core people, but you need a few just gamblers.

What if you did, and this is not exactly what you said, but this was the first thing that came to my mind. What if you sent an email that you're doing a one night tournament only, $100 buy-in, first 10 people. You can't go more than 10 on a tournament because it's not a two table thing. Winner takes all.

After the tournament, you can do wild games or whatever you want, but you are doing a tournament with set times. So the people coming in are actually coming in to win because if you win that night, you get $1,000.

And then those people with you have on the on that TV screen, you've got the blinds clock. You do it like a casino. If you go to a casino, there's a screen that tells you all the stuff in a tournament. And when the time goes off, it goes like beep. And that means blinds change. And people go fucking Bo just threw a tournament in the dungeon. That was fun as hell. And maybe you could do two tables, three tables at some point. And you got 60 people down there. Go ahead. I like it. And I think there's some exclusivity to it.

But I also want to say to our listeners right now who have no idea what Jake is talking about. What matters isn't the specificity of poker. We're trying to solve a boat problem. Blinds are money. And that's important, right, Jake? It's how you raise the money. But what I like is 10%

It makes it exclusive. Ideally, what you have is you're turning people away and it's first come first serve every time you send the text out. I kind of like something like that. What do you think of something like that, Bo? Just to get a little bit of heat and get the people who want to play that want to play and get the dead weight out of there rather than beg them to come. They're dead weight. Cut them off the body. Jake's mad at these people, but I think that's right. Bo? I like the exclusivity aspect of it. Yeah. Okay. And so what about sending an email where you say we're doing a poker night. Poker night?

a tournament style first 10 are in after that if we can get to 20 i'll have two tables but i can't guarantee that yeah especially do you have another big table you got the room in that basement it's very weirdly bare could you throw another table and some chairs down there i've got a table in a and like a little cover that i can i've done two tables before so yeah and so then poker night as many if you get two tables then the top two people win yeah

I like it. What do you think about that? So have we helped at all? Are you taken with the idea, Bo? I like the exclusivity. I like the winner takes all and then have a little more regimented. I've got a blind timer already that I throw up there. So that's good. And I also like the theme night aspect. I have a pitch for the stakes. The winner gets to, they're all dads, right? Yeah, for the most part.

The winner gets to pick which other dad has to watch their kid for a night. Jesus Christ. That assumes you trust the dad. That's why you get to pick. So here's what we're going to do, Bo. I think we've helped you a little. I think we're a little bit all lost in the dungeon. So let's end this with, we're going to do a little commercial for you that you could send to your friends to get them there.

And tell us if you get any more numbers from it. And also, Bo, feel free to jump in in the commercial. Now, Jake, do you want to go general about it? It's got to be general. OK, let's not do the 10. Let's just say because I don't know if he's that excited about that. I agree. So he just wants the poker. And he wants it to work. He wants it to be fun. And Bo, are you committing to stepping up maybe thematically and you're going to have something playing on that TV in the background?

Oh, yeah, 100%. What are you going to put on that TV, Bo? Give us a couple ideas. We've done around Christmas, Die Hard, since that's the best Christmas movie. We've played soccer games, football games, depending on what's playing. Would you ever spend the money and get a UFC fight?

Yeah, I would. But here's the thing, Jake. We don't want it to be too exciting. I think about when I walk into those bars and I see like Under Siege playing and I'm like, that's just the right amount of goofball to keep me in a conversation. That's right. How about 90s commercials?

Oh, don't hate that at all. Don't hate that at all. How about just YouTube Kathy Ireland? I again, I have you talked to her recently? Is there some has there been a change? No link, brother. No, definitely. It's coming up a lot. I feel the same way in it. No, no. In a troubling way. All right, but we're going to make a commercial for you right now. Kevin will give it a little bit of the magic sauce, the added after the fact. But what we're going to do is we're going to say we want more people at your game.

Do you have a specific night of the week that you're doing this? I generally do it on a Saturday. Saturday at what time? 8 o'clock. Okay, great. All right.

You ready, Jake? I think so. All right, here we go. And away. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, 8 p.m. at the dungeon. That's right. That's what we're calling Bo's Downstairs. Now, listen, we've heard the evaluations. People are saying it's a little weird. It's a little white. It looks like heaven's dungeon. Okay. Hold on. What? A poker game with a little weird, a little white.

Yeah. People say the game's a little weird. It's a little white, but we got to say the room, my man. That's not my note, but I'll go in that direction. Okay, fine.

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, 8 p.m. at the Dungeon in Oregon. You like poker. You like Bo. We're inviting you to what some are calling poker night. Not everybody. We understand that Bo's basement is a little strange. The walls are a little white. It looks like where you go when you're in trouble. And that's going to change. That's going to change. That's going to change. It's Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, 8 p.m. at poker night.

That's right. We're talking about a variety of snacks. We're talking about themes. We're talking about potentially having Kathy Ireland videos. Do you like Kathy Ireland? Pogernight, 8 p.m. at the Dungeon in Portland, Oregon, at Boho's. If you don't like her because you're young, that's understandable and that's fine. None of these guys are young. What we're looking for...

Clearly an older guy's poker night. Stop talking, guy over there. What we're looking for is people with friends to bring a couple people to Bo's poker night. We might be doing tournaments. We might just be goofing around. Who knows what we're going to do, but we're going to have Steven Seagal movies playing in the background, and we're excited for you to join the revamped, redone,

reignited Bo Poker Night. What night of the week is that, Jacob? Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, 8 p.m. at the Dungeon. So reply to this text and join us for the new Bo Poker Night. Not everyone's calling that. I would say C+. But it's fine. It feels the equivalent of Bo's Poker Night. I'm not going to accept that. Bo, what do you think? Is that going to help you advertise at all?

I think you will. I love it. I think the other guys would get it. Let's see what we can do. And then let us know how it goes. We want you to have a pack night. What's your dream number, Bo? You want 15 people, which is a weird number. You need 10, right?

I like to attend good because it's one table. And then if you get 11, you don't have a game. But then what we're talking about is then we're talking about saying like, hey, man, hit me up next week. We're trying, you know, you can start making it feel a little more exclusive. And the first 10 I'm in. And if we get more than 10, we got to wait till we get 16 so we can have two tables of eight. Yes.

Yeah, I like it. Bo, good luck in that dungeon. Kevin, what do you got? Kevin, you opened your mouth. I was going to say, maybe like a wife swap instead of a kid swap. Okay, take it easy, my man. Thank you so much, Bo. Sorry about that. Thanks. Sorry about Kevin.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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