119: You're Just the Guy Who Talks
44:04 Share

Have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha living in your fridge or how Birkenstocks 250 year old sandals are still cool enough to be in the Barbie movie? Or why nearly every house in America has at least one game of Monopoly?

Introducing the best idea yet. A new podcast about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with and the people who brought them to life. Take Super Mario, the best-selling video game character of all time. He only exists because Nintendo couldn't get the rights to Popeye. And the McDonald's Happy Meal? That idea first came from a mom in Guatemala.

Every week on The Best Idea Yet, you'll discover the surprising stories behind the most viral products while picking up real business insights along the way. We guarantee you'll dominate your next dinner party after listening. Follow The Best Idea Yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Best Idea Yet early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Pulse.

Let your imagination soar with Audible. With stories across every genre, from expert advice to fantasy, you'll be inspired to imagine new worlds, possibilities, and ways of thinking. Listening can even lead to a positive change in your mood, habits, and overall well-being. As an Audible member, you'll get to choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog, including bestsellers and new releases.

There were two elves. There were two elves. There were two elves.

And we are... Me and Jay. Yeah, we're going to be lean and mean because the Garf Man is in San Francisco doing a show. If you want to see him live, go to garethreynolds.com.

uh shark man's wearing a chicago flag shirt which i love i got the chicago t i got the haircut that is now turning into awkward bang level which is uh i became nine years old so fast with the bowl cut it's tough when did you uh get the cut uh like a week or two ago um but it very quickly uh is now just like child bangs which is tough but you know i'm surviving it's never ideal

No, it's tough. So we got a fun show, guys. We appreciate you listening, sticking with us. And let's just get into it without further ado. You don't have a password on your phone? You don't? I mean, if it does, it takes a long time to get to it. Interesting. You go instant password? Yeah, I just, yeah, yeah. Right away. Second the screen goes dark, password.

Don't fucking touch my shit. Yeah. All right. Can we get your. There's nothing good in there. That's what's sad. There's going to be pictures of you in the dummy naked. Get a password out here. I want people to look at it. So it turns me on. Can we get your name, age, if you feel like it and where you're calling from and then your issue, please. Sure. Jamie, 39. And I'm calling from central Pennsylvania. Oh, nice. Centralvania. What's going on?

So I originally had written in about a problem that I was having, which has since taken a turn. But my first problem was that I was hooking up with this guy just casually. And he was like, he's really into running and working out. And he started making me do like, or asking me to do like really crazy runs before we'd hook out. And then I would. So I thought maybe I needed to like out crazy him. But anyway, I,

That since has finished. And now, um, sorry, sorry. I was having wine before this. That's fucking great. Um, this is your first call though, but that's not what this is. Okay. She broke up. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Because this all happened really fast. So anyway, go ahead. You're drunk. So anyway, um,

I thought it was all over. But then I find out that he's kind of ghosted me. And it turns out that he's back with his ex. This has all happened within like a week. And she got her hair done with my best friend who lives across the street from him and was trying to kind of get, I think, some information about the situation, which she wasn't giving. And now I kind of am wondering if...

I just leave it alone or like do I stir the pot? This is an insane set. Do you get it? I think yes. Okay. Can you explain it? Sure. A lot has happened. Yeah. So originally she was hooking up with a guy who was working out a lot. He liked to run all this shit and he wanted to do it before sex. Is that right?

Correct. But would you shower? Was it like the sweatiness? Oh, well, here's a really good thing. He built this outdoor shower at his house, which we refer to as a spiral because it kind of looks like a seashell. Fucking this guy could fuck me. I would run three miles for this. What does he think about jujitsu dummies? And I'm not talking about me. He might. He might.

I have one in his basement. This dude's cool as hell. Just keep Jake in his basement. Is this Mel Gibson from Lethal Weapon? Hey, Greg, you want to wrestle? Fucking sounds awesome. Okay, so he used to do that. You, to combat that, decided you were going to work out before sex too, something like that, or you did your own workout? He would ask me before hanging out, he'd be like, hey, why don't we run? The one time it was this 10-mile Appalachian Trail race.

trail run and then how'd you guys i was like well i guess i'll do that and i just like kept saying yes to these crazy things that he was offering and this was this was like four play two sex i think yeah this is just what he's in so anyway does that but so then he goes sir but so how did then did he break up with you or did you break up and then he goes how did it end

So there wasn't really a breakup. It was like we were hanging out. And then here's the odd thing. So he lives across the street from my best friend. Right. And her son...

saw me over there one night and I waved to him but then he said to her that he saw this other girl there the night before and knew that it was his ex and I was like well that's confusing because I didn't know that situation so it turns out that he and now is like fully back with this ex because she confirmed that in getting her hair cut

With my best friend. So he moved on. He's an athletic, weird guy. You guys were kind of dating. You had a weird breakup. He got back with his ex. He's or she is sniffing around your friend for info on you. Is that correct? Did you say that? Yes. Yeah. What are the details on that? And there was really no breakup at all. I mean, it wasn't... We were just like... It was very casual, but I like...

I mean, we had we were just hanging out at the same time that they were apparently, which I mean, I don't know. I guess that's fine, but it kind of feels weird. Well, it's not respectful, but it might just be his thing. No, it's strange, but it happens. Yeah. OK, so your problem is essentially how do you solve the problem of his ex who he's now back with sniffing around trying to find out info about you through your friend? Is that the problem? Yeah, that is the problem. And also, like, I mean, I know he said a lot of

unhinged things about this ex and I mean I could use that but to what benefit to what benefit what's our goal here great question I guess I just do feel disrespected how do I like become more respected in this situation also realize he's a guy who has like a shell shower outside who cares I got two pitches okay

The first is, how do you feel respected? Just, I would fucking move on. You know what I mean? Like, I would just move on. It's always very difficult, but I would just move on. The second thing is, if you want a little bit of subtle, odd revenge, I would have your friend, I would give her some crazy shit about you to say that's awesome. I totally agree. And so plant some seeds so that when this, his new and ex...

is sniffing around. Have your person tell her awesome shit about you. She's a gymnast. I would go the other direction. Okay, go. So here's what I would actually do. Okay. You be the friend and I'm Jamie's friend. You're sniffing around. I'm his new and his ex. Yes, exactly right. So yeah, I was... Man, so you knew Jamie, right? Oh yeah, Jamie was one of my best friends. What was...

What do you think that Mark saw in her? Like, I'm just so curious. I know it's none of my business. Well, I mean, Jamie's crazy. She's like,

Literally fucked everybody in central Pennsylvania. Every disease one could get from sex, Jamie has. Oh my God. And I know when they were together, they were like swinging with 50 people, like disgusting stuff. Like, you know, I know, actually I shouldn't be telling you any of this. I'm so sorry. I should know that because I'm getting out of this, but the Jamie I know was like,

this girl goes to truck stops oh my god anyway so good to see you not for the food bye great alright flip rolls I'm gonna give you my version okay um hey hey um such a stupid nothing question go ahead we're friends girl

So I guess my longtime boyfriend. Yeah, Mark, yeah. Yeah. Had like a little fling with a friend of yours, something really nothing. I think Jamie and him went out. Jamie, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What was that? Do you know? Because I wasn't around for that. I don't know. I mean, I just know men go crazy for Jamie. Like that has always been a thing with her. You know, she's a former gymnast, so she's super flexible. So guys like that.

Me too. She has an amazing body. Same. I've been said this. It isn't about you. You asked about me. I didn't ask about you. You asked about my relationship with Jamie, which is what I'm telling you about. She's modeled a bunch. Me too. Yeah, but again, that's sort of like really insecure for me to keep. A lot of people say I'm beautiful. Like if we were to do a role reversal, I bet that your version of it, you would want me to kind of just be like simple. Right.

And so I'm just kind of telling you the simple version. I know, but I would maybe let me do the, you know, let me get through this a little bit. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So just kind of sit there a little more than you are right now. She's super flexible. She's not making it about you. She could put her head behind her foot. So could I. It's the same thing. I'll do it right now. It's a trick. It's the same thing.

Agreed. It's the same thing. She does a lot of yoga. Me too. She teaches yoga. Me too. She hangs out. She's really like so fun. Same. She's great with board games. She knows, she has great movies. She knows everyone in Hollywood. She has money. Yeah. She does really, she's like such a great joke teller and a storyteller. She reads a room better than anyone I know. She can paint. Same. She can sing. Bitch. One time I saw her train a wild elk. Okay. I've wrestled a whale. Wait, guys.

Okay, so those are two versions. The version is we make you seem like you are not someone to be involved with or we make it seem like someone she's really upset he was involved with. Here's another one. I mean, obviously, I think I would go with the one where I...

I sound amazing. You know, a lot better. A lot of disease. Where are you in a truck stop? Here's here's here's another one. Jamie, I'm actually being serious about this because what we're trying to do is we're just trying to fuck with her. Yeah. Yeah. And we're also trying to fuck with him a little. They disrespected you. Let's disrespect. Yeah. OK, here's another me. The gossip. Your new girl. OK, so what do you know about Jamie? I don't even need to pry, but we used to be very close. And then I got to know her a little bit and she's a little scary.

What do you mean? Like dangerous. What do you mean dangerous? Like remembering that she. Legally, I can't get into it. What? But like she is a, you don't want to be on her bad side. Yeah. But she's doing a lot better now. I believe she's out of her legal trouble and she's trying her hardest. Mark slept with her. Just be careful.

Yeah. Okay. I should go. What? But here's the thought of that. Yeah.

Just stop asking. Get away from it. She'll bring it up to him and he'll go like, "Why you ask him? I don't know. She's not dangerous." Here you go. Here's one more. Real quick. This one will be fast. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. I just did Pilates and I sing and I go back and forth. Let's get to the meat of the matter. What do you know about Jamie? Well, I actually can't talk about Jamie, which is not her original name. I have to sign an NDA and so does anyone who's friends with her. Sorry.

When do you want to get your hair done next? Why? I can't get into it. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's nothing too bad, but...

I had to sign an NDA. Most people do. She gets it notarized. By the way, Jamie, that's pretty interesting. I like that one. Right? It's easy. It's quick. And then when she laughs, your friend just goes like, I'm kind of being serious. Yeah. No, it's an NDA. Yeah. Like, actually, that might seem funny, but it's actually true. It's not. And then when she asks her boyfriend, he goes, I didn't have to. Then if he reaches out to you and goes, what's this about? Ghost him. Yes. Yes. Because.

Because you're then just asking a question where he's going to go, no, I don't think that's real. When they reach out to you, ghost. Yep. Yes. All right. You're going to do it? All right. I like that. Yeah, I can do that. That seems way easy. I just have to get my friend to be on board, which she would be. It's easy. It's an easy one to pull off. And literally, it's so easy because her whole play is, I honestly can't talk about it anymore. Yeah. You're joking. You're joking.

Fine. Then I'm joking. I honestly can't tell that to the notary. Yeah, but you could also, she can just say, yeah, I can't talk about it. Are you joking? And then she could go,

So you want him to get your hair done? Yeah. Yep. And make direct eye contact and move on. So this woman goes, what the fuck? She goes to her boyfriend. Who the fuck were you fucking with? And he goes, this is not real. She said he had the whole thing. I don't know what you're talking about. He texts you. Hey, long time. Was there something about an NDA? Never respond. It's great. It's great. I think it works great. Thoughts, Jamie, are you going to do it?

Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love that. I can do that. I'll just send, I'll send them an NDA in the fucking mail. No, no, no. Yeah. But also what do you think about saying you were, what about also that you do hang out at truck stops and you got some diseases? Easy, Jake. Don't push. Go to the NDA. No. Go to the NDA. Jamie, I think this is great. Will you follow up with us? Yeah, let us know. Yeah, absolutely. I will. Thank you so much. All right. Bye, Jamie. Bye. Thank you. Thank you.

This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointment with them online. A dear friend of mine uses ZocDoc all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gil Buchanan!

Wow, Jakey Johnson, it is unbelievable to be back. Honestly, I've been doing nothing but core work. We are out of time. No, no, no, wait, hold on, wait, listen. The way ZocDoc works is you can find a reputable doctor or physician within your area. You can book the appointments immediately. There's no more waiting awkwardly on hold with the receptionist. You know this hold music, you're going, what's going on? And then every 30 seconds they go, blah, blah, blah, someone's going to come back. Hey, just get me to the doctor. But you don't need to do that anymore with ZocDoc.

All right. We're talking about booking appointments with tens of thousands of top rated patient reviewed, credible doctors and specialists. So do me a favor. Go to Zoc.com. Zoc.com. No, I'm rusty. Go to Zoc.com.

God bless me. Go to ZocDoc.com. No, I got it, Jake. Leave me alone. I can smell the bourbon through the Zoom. I'd had to because it's after six. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H.

And we're brought to you by Alma. We obviously on this show give out advice, but it's a little tongue in cheek. But if you have a therapist, had a therapist, used one in the past, whatever it is,

You know, it can be pretty difficult to find someone, pretty difficult to find the right fit. You're sifting through hundreds of options. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's the person you want. So that's what Alma does. Alma basically helps filter the therapist through search engines and ways to

To get a therapist that you want to have. Alma can help you find a therapist who gets you. I do think therapy is more impactful when you feel heard and understood. If you want to talk to somebody, Alma is there to help you find the right someone. It can also help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. Over 95% of therapists at Alma accept insurance.

People who find in-network care through Alma save an average of 77% on the cost of therapy. It's also very easy to get started with Alma, which helps some of these websites get really tricky. Alma can help you find the right therapist for you, not just anyone. Visit helloalma.com slash heretohelp to get started and schedule a free consultation today.

That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help.

And we're brought to you by Philo. Oh, we've talked about Philo before. Philo's got great current seasons of shows that I can't miss live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. It's got shows like The Office. It's got Martin. It's got Friends. All these things. We've talked, and Jake and I have talked about some of our secret passion shows that they have on there. Love After Lockup. Do not sleep on Love After Lockup, people. Get involved with it, okay? I agree.

I'll never forget the guy who kept the salami in the bathroom. See, now I got to get back into watching it at Philo. Best of all, with Philo, you can get all this for just $28 a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment.

Also, don't forget that they have a library of more than 75,000 movies and shows. You heard me right. All of which I could save and rewatch anytime for the whole year. So go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's P-H-I-L-O dot TV to start watching. So when did you quit the boy band, uh,

95 degrees. Because they're hotter. Or no, they're cooler. Was it cocaine that got you out of the group? No. When did you decide to make your comeback? No, no, no. Well, first of all, you remember the solo stuff. I don't. Will you remind me of the title of the album? Well, I did a... It was called Water Sl...

Was that the song? Oh, I honestly thought you had planned a bit, Gareth. I was going to die of excitement. I thought he had come up with hold music.

You just said the solo. If that went and you did a song to match this 90s hip-hop attire, I would have, Gareth, fainted of happiness. If you saw the inside, if I was wired, my heart went like... If you then took out a chain and went like, Baby girl, I will always love you. I wish it was gold.

Hello. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake Johnson and you're on with Gary G. Yeah, G-Pop. G-Pop. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? And sadly, I look the same always. Yeah. Sometimes fatter. Always the same. You have almost like a Batman outfit. Yes.

Dewar shirt? They're almost done, caller. Okay, sorry. Name, age, where you're calling from. I haven't seen you in a little bit. I'm Caitlin. I'm 32 and I'm calling from Detroit. What's going on? What can we help you with today?

So I'm going to throw a lot of details at you. I started telling a story back in college to sort of break the ice with a new group of people. It was a story about how I was made fun of in high school for being overweight. I was nicknamed Lardass. And then I ultimately got my revenge on my bullies by starting a bar for Ram. Yes. Stand by a pie eating contest. You told them stand by me. And then you saw a dead body. An ace was there. One of your friends had a burned ear. Yeah. And he had a bad childhood. His father was

in the war and then there was a fat kid who ran over the bridge and then you guys got leeches on your penis. What was that? They all got leeches on their balls. Yeah, on not their penis. Okay, great. Maybe their penis. They didn't show what it was. I think it was balls. Okay. Either way. Okay, so you made the lard-ass story from the hit film Stand By Me. Great movie. Great movie. Your story, you told it as an icebreaker as yours.

Yes. I assumed that people would know that I was stealing it directly from the movie, but I guess people my age don't really know this movie. So everyone believed me and it just was one of those things where new people would come into the group and they'd ask me to tell the Lardass story. And I just spent my whole college career telling the story. And, you know, my close friends knew that it wasn't true and would also just put it out there to make people laugh. So it was always just a

a fun little thing. I would just say it to random acquaintances and it kind of helped me loosen up and just make friends. So jump forward 15 years, I'm in my 30s. I'm living in a new place and trying to make friends. I'm involved in some organizations where I sort of like meet people very quickly and have a short window to be somewhat

memorable if I want to turn it into a friendship. So recently I thought, let's just give this a shot. I will do this story once again in a low-risk environment. And it did not go well. It didn't go well. It was very awkward. And no one thought it was funny. No one...

No one thought it was being stolen from a movie either. But it just didn't go well. And so I need help just keeping the basics of the story because it's a beautiful story and turning it into something that's quick, funny, and believable, but also casual enough in any environment. Can you help me with that? This is wild. There's a lot to break down. A lot.

This is wild, Caitlin. Do you want me to do it through a song? No, okay. Late 90s, early 2000s. I do. And it should start with you like this going, baby girl. I want to be the talk guy. That was the first time and possibly the last time that I come in right before the chorus again. I loved that guy.

That's the guy I also wanted to because I knew I couldn't sing. It's the best part. Caitlin, back to you. We could do that. We're going to unfortunately be riffing on this all day. Caitlin, I think that... Okay. Well, the first thing is I feel like you got away with murder by just taking the story. Can I be...

A little bit of a grump for a second. Yeah. You want to be in Jake mode? Well, hold on, Caitlin. You swear to God this is totally real. No one has ever said this is real. I'm a little surprised by that myself. Now, 32 to our age. Yeah. To my age. Yeah. You could be 23 right now. I am. I am.

32 to my age. That's a big jump. Nobody has caught you when you told this said the way we caught you right away. Yeah. You've been telling this since college. You swear on everything that's holy. Yes. The first time I told it, I waited for the reaction and the reaction was, oh my God, you ate raw eggs.

- I forgot about that part. - So I'm gonna now lean in because the reason I didn't engage right away was I thought this might be a phony premise, but I'm gonna believe you. - Okay, I buy that you did. Yeah, I believe you. - I buy that you did it. - I believe you. - I believe that. - I wonder if maybe in your new setting,

Maybe some of the people just haven't told you. Like, I feel like if I was introduced to someone and they led off with that, I wouldn't go like, that's from stand by me. I'd go like, this is someone I shouldn't be close to. They're crazy. That's interesting. Caitlin, what do you make of that? Can you counter that point? Is there a chance they knew the movie and they just thought you were weird?

Yeah, it's possible. But I will say that my closest friends and my husband don't even know this movie. Wow. But it's I mean, I hear you that people around this movie is was a very large. But it might be an age thing. The people you work with, who are you pitching it to? You got any geezers? Gareth Sage?

No, I mean, they're all pretty much in their 30s. Yes, Garrett, this might be a thing. Your looks age. This might be an age thing. It might be. So let's lean into it. It's insane for us. I have one other question. Were you a fat kid? No, I wasn't. Oh, okay. It's just as a former fat kid. Same. A little appropriated.

Like they're taking our glory? Well, a little bit. It's still in valor. It's a little bit. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I didn't need all those fun-sized Twix bars to just sit here and have somebody pretend they live my heroic life. I didn't hate taking my shirt off at the lake for somebody else to get crying for it. I didn't go to every pool party in a black shirt and swim in the shallow end. Now you're teasing me. No. How fat were you? Shirt and pool big? No. I was shirt and pool size. Oh, you were? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's interesting. I mean, it wasn't like they were bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. It was embarrassing. Anyway, but you did what you did, Caitlin. Okay, so basically you're asking us for a new Icebreaker story, and I believe you were like, why don't we pitch on the other one? What are you – are you asking to tighten up the classic film story? But I feel like don't be telling that one anymore. But will you just refray just because we're a little wild, as Eve Johnson would say? Mm-hmm.

would you re-pitch the question and then we're going to stop riffing on our looks, our fatness, and our age title for a podcast? Sure, that's great. And then we're going to try to help this situation. Part of the reason we're doing this is this is a wild one, Caitlin. Yeah. This is hard to wrap the old needle around. I am...

I'm just looking for not really a new story. I think it's great that nobody has caught on to this, and I'd love to just keep it going until somebody does, or even if they do, that helps me make friends too when somebody else knows this movie. But I think it comes off as a little bit awkward and depressing, and maybe there's some way that this can...

sort of twist and be more simplified. I got a pitch. To still be a fun story, but not as uncomfortable. Go for it, Jay. I got a pitch, Kayla.

You tell the story of when you were 12 years old, you and a group of friends saw a dead body. And you walked down some tracks to get there and it took you three days and you guys all lied and told your parents you were sleeping out. And in seeing it, it was the moment you kind of grew up a little bit. And those four friends, you've never had friends like that in your whole life because nobody ever has friends like they did when they were 10 years old or 12 years old. And then behind you, your husband goes, let's go. And then the kid goes like, we're going to swim. But what you're saying is,

I went, we had heard in the local news when we were growing up that there was a missing person and we found him and we saw he had been hit by a train and we...

We went down there, and when we were there, there was a local gang, and there was this bad guy, the toughest guy in our town. He wanted to find the body because he thought there was a reward, and we thought there was a reward too. Then when we found it, he came out, and he's like, it's ours, and my buddy pulled a gun on him and literally said, when the bad guy said, the bully, the gang member said, you can't kill all of us, this fucking kid, a 10-year-old kid said,

Just you, Ace. I got one bullet for you. I mean, that's what do you think of that as a story? Yeah. What do you think, Caitlin? I mean, I think it's a it's a brilliant story. It sounds like it was written by a famous author. But is it? I'm sorry. Are you accusing Jake of plagiarism? No.

From the movie Stand By Me? Caitlin, I cannot believe the holier-than-thou position you carved out for yourself when Jake told you to pitch the movie Stand By Me. This is a shocking show. Hey, asshole, let's focus on the story that I tell from Stand By Me. The flashback. The lie within Stand By Me, probably.

But what do you think of that, Caitlin? I have nothing to stand on here. Nothing. What do you think of that, though, Caitlin? I don't dislike it. Because maybe you've outgrown the Lardaz story. Well, I also think what you might be running into a little bit is that...

cultures shifted a little and maybe a story about a big fat person being teased doesn't have the same kind of humorous resonance that it did. You're right, Garrett. Guess what? You're 32, so college takes you to 12 years ago. 2024 minus 12 is 2012. We're in a different galaxy. We've crossed a different time. So guess what? Your story hasn't changed. The world has. Yeah. You know what the world wants to hear now? Dead body. I honestly... Listen...

I do. Well, you seem very married to your story that, again, is from a movie and not at all yours. Jake's version of Stand By Me is better. I would also and I would say I would caveat. I like Jake's pitch as far as like that is to me seems like another good icebreaker. And I would also just add to it.

Prep yourself for the moment when someone might be like, let's stand by me. All you have to say is, stand by her? Or you go, I've been using that as an icebreaker for 15 years and you're the first person to ever get what I'm doing. Prep yourself to make it like, I'm not crazy. I've been testing people. What do you think of, Caitlin, what do you think about just...

12 years post the start of this lie, the world has changed and so is the story. And we go to a different part of the movie. We could go to the end part and that is where they find the body. You could tell the story of you and some friends were crossing this big bridge and you were going on a mission and a train came and you had to run the other way. And you were the heavyset one. And what would they call Gordy?

Gordo. Wow. Yes. I loved the movie. I did too. And then you say like, but you were the last one and you were on all four, but there were these wooden planks and they were like, Gordy, go! And then your best friend came back and was pulling you and saving you, but you couldn't stand up and they were like, stand up! And you were like, I can't stand up! And

And literally you had to jump off the side of the bridge seconds before you're hit by a train. And you're like, so all I have to say to that is don't go on train tracks. And they go like, that's a wild story. You're like, I got a bunch of them from that movie. I've been that life time of my life. What do you think about telling the train? Oh, what about telling the leeches story? You and a group of friends went in a thing and there were leeches all over your boobs and your vagina. Yeah.

We thought we were becoming women that day. But all of a sudden you went in there and then there were leeches everywhere and you saw them in your underpants and you fainted. I, Caitlin, well, what do you think, Caitlin? I don't think leeches in my pants is a great icebreaker. Just just I'm curious. How did you how did you get into the lard ass icebreaker in general? Like you meet someone and you're just like, yeah.

Like I would, like you have a, you're like, let me tell you a little story. Let's do it. Gareth and Caitlin, you guys want to do a little role play? Sure. Should I get my knapsack or should I just do it here? I would say do it. You're just left Florida. Your boy band just broke up. I just got.

You went back to Florida. Okay, okay, okay. I left boy town? You asked Ron, the guy who formed your band. Who got brought up on charges and has since passed away. Different Ron. Okay. And you said, like, I'm ready to come back. And he said, you're almost 50, man. It's over.

And you say, well, I just got out of jail for cocaine possession and racketeering and I need money. So let's do this thing. I've written some songs. They said you were just the guy who talked before the song.

Okay. So, Caitlin, you and Gareth are going to talk, but will you do how you've actually done it in the past so we can get a sense of this story? You're just the guy who talked. What a bad role. I've written songs. What a bad role. I was thinking I could sing. You just talked. You're so good at this. Okay. Oh, man. Sorry, Caitlin. All right. So, Caitlin, how would these icebreakers start? Can you give Gareth a little starter? Sure.

Yeah, just like, you know, where you're coming from, like where most of the time we're talking to people who are transplants. So like, yeah, where you grew up is usually how it gets started. Okay. God, Polly Cy guy. He reminds me of my soccer coach that I used to have in Dubuque. That's where I went to high school. But anyway, yeah, I just yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would be guy. Well, you know it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of corn around there, right?

Yeah, we were surrounded. We like to say we were cornered. That's what we would say back there. But that was just kind of an in-house state joke. But it felt like you were going to say something. Do you know Iowa?

No, I just, I've been through Iowa a few times, but I'm also from a small, small place. Went to high school and farmland and don't have a lot of great memories from there. But yeah, yeah. So grew up. Yeah. All right, cool. Well, it's good to catch up with you and talk to you. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, well, yeah, I know. Farmland's crazy. Got any good Lardy House stories? Got any stories about where you were? Got any Scar stories? Got any stories from the movie Stand By Me? Me and my friends one time saw a dead body, Caitlin. No, I mean, yeah, we grew up in the farmland. I mean, you know how it is. You had to make your own fun back then. Are you from around, are you from a small town sort of vibe?

Yeah, yeah. There were a lot of interesting people I went to school with. I definitely got bullied a lot by some people. I used to be a little larger and they'd call me lard-ass. Oh my God. No, no, don't feel too bad for me. I ultimately got my revenge at a piting contest. It was a whole thing. What was the whole thing?

So after a couple years of just this endless bullying, I decided, you know, I got to get back at these people. So I entered into my school. Ring their doorbell or something? There was a fair in the back of the school grounds, you know, that kind of thing. You're from a small town. You get it. Yeah, we had back school fairs.

Yeah, yeah. And I decided before the contest, I would eat like a dozen eggs and as much of a bottle of vegetable oil that I could just down in one sitting. I got my stomach all mixed up, went in there, started eating pies. And the moment I felt it rising in my throat, I just let it all out.

I just let it out everywhere. Blueberry pie all over the table, all over the participants next to me. And it started what I now call the barforama. People started barfing on each other. The bullies that were sitting in the front row were barfing into each other's hair. People were throwing up into each other's hair? You tell us at work? Yes, a lady barfed in her purse. What?!

Caitlin. Caitlin. Caitlin. I gotta go. I'm gonna drop out of college. You can't be upset by that. No, no, no. It's the barfing part. It's like a, hey, I'm camping with eight friends. Here's a banger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like a... Can you spell your name with a K or a C? Yeah, I think this is just...

I think it's a different environment, a different... Big. If you tell this story in college, when you're all having a couple beers, I'm going like, if I'm 19, I go, that girl, Kayla, is cool, dude. She's lard-ass, man. She barfed everywhere. If I'm at a work event... The room needs to be primed

Yes. Like the idea of meeting someone being like, huh? Can we do another one? Now I'm going to be opposite you, Caitlin, at work. And will you tell a different part of that movie at our meet and greet? Okay. So, Caitlin, how you doing? Doing all right. How are you? Good. Excited to be here. You're from here, yeah? Yeah.

No, no, I'm actually, I'm from a small town back in Maryland. Ah, neat. Cool. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Really weird little small town. Just a couple thousand people and some wild things happened. Oh, yeah? Like what? Yeah, it was a good place to grow up. What kind of wild stuff? Oh, man. There were a lot of things that happened there. But this one summer, my really close friends and I, we actually...

found a body out by the railroad tracks. What? I just overheard. Get out of here. I'm sorry, the DJ at this event just walked over. Hey man, keep playing the hits. Alright. Keep playing the hits. Any requests? Anything that's not 90s, man. It's 2024. It's going to be an issue.

It's going to be a bitch. Dude, when you did that, your jewelry made so much noise. Yeah, I'm clanging. Clanging. Sorry, back to you, Caleb. So you saw a body in the woods?

Yeah. Well, we kind of went searching for it in fairness that we read about this kid that had gone missing and, you know, kids over the summer, you get kind of bored and we thought we'd just go on this, this journey to, to try to go find this body. And, um, definitely wasn't, wasn't as, as a fun as we thought it would be. It's a little scary to see a dead body as a kid, but you know, pretty, pretty cool journey getting there. What happened to the kid? Uh, he, unfortunately he was, he was hit by a train. Ah,

And then did you like call the cops? What happened? Well, yeah, eventually we got in contact with the police, but we had to take the train tracks there and go over this really tall bridge over the water. That's cool. It was just a scary time. You guys like Ace of Base? You are Ace of Base. That's what it is. You've come from Europe.

That's the real one. I should have come over. You've come from Europe. So, by the way, Caitlin...

Pretty good. I think that if I'm at a work thing and I hear that story, I think it's really interesting. It's really wild. It's a big icebreaker. I like it. It's not you barfing on people. Yeah, it's crazy. Your other one is very... It's aged out. For whatever reason, it's insane. I have another pitch. I like that. I think we're good to go. I'm from Poland to the United States. Basically, what if you guys... Two minutes. What if you guys figure out another... Germany. Germany.

But if you I why you could also take the story from another movie if you wanted. It seems like you like to plagiarize for movies for your own life. So some pitches in that direction would be you could tell the something about the ring.

Maybe you and your friends used to watch a video that would kill people seven days later. Little Shop of Horrors, there was a big plant where you had to feed people to it. Ghostbusters, you and your friends stopped ghosts together. You could do the River Wild, you had to end up, your river guide ended up going crazy on a whitewater rafting summer trip. Back to the Future, you were friends with a weird scientist, he made a car that could time travel. E.T., you guys find a little alien. Goonies, you guys were trapped in an underground treasure world.

Pretty Woman, if you want to be a little more adult. Or my last pitch for you is, and I don't know why this one jumped out. My other podcast, The Dollop, there's crazy American history stories. And one of the fucking funniest ones is this dude who just walked backwards and everyone was like, this guy's a hero. You could be like one summer you got in the paper because you walked backwards for like

three weeks or so. I also heard of This American Life about these kids who were 10 years old who rode a bike from like two states away and they did it in like 72 hours and they got in the paper. So, Caitlin, we've given you some ideas. I would personally lean towards just doing a different version of the movie, but it's not about me. I like that too, by the way. I'll co-sign that. What are you going to do?

Yeah, I think I'm going to have to do a different story from the movie. I'm still a little bit tied to just the vomit because it kind of shows that I'm weird. So if other people...

all of the shows that you're weird, then it's like, okay, well, that's fair. So I just, you know, I'm trying to, to attract like-minded people, people who would not that I'm someone who had started bar for Emma, but maybe. So I, I think, I think you're right though. It's, it's not the right story for seeing a dead body and going on the tracks and getting leeches. That also shows you're weird. I'm weird. And I would go, Caitlin's cool. Can you throw up when you see the dead body?

Yeah, maybe you eat a piece of it and it makes you sick. I just really need to vomit in this story. Thank you for working on it. Let us know how it goes. Yeah. Because if you find that this isn't working, call back and we'll keep pitching your weird. But also, do me a favor and just try, even though I know in your heart you want to stick with the Lardass story, just try the dead body story.

Try it. I think you're going to like the results. It is a little like stand-up in the way that you've got a new bit, and you just need to try it in front of a crowd to see if it works. As Men's Warehouse would say, you're going to like it. I guarantee it. You're going to like your new story. You're going to like the way you look. We guarantee it. We guarantee it. So just try it. I think you're going to get a great reception.

You saw on the paper a boy went missing. You found the body. Don't be afraid to bring an ace. Don't be afraid to bring in your friend. Gordy had a gun. You know, you could launch into it, too, by saying you just had read something in the paper about these kids finding a body. And it actually just brought up this story. Yeah, I think that's right.

Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. All right. I will give it a shot. Thank you, guys. All right. And then, Gareth, with a little bit of 90s R&B soul, can you take us out? Caitlin, I understand you were in love with another story, but that story is dead and gone right now. You need to figure out a new story that works for you. And what if that story was standing right in front of you, getting ready to be added to your repertoire? Would you tell it to go screw itself, or would you give it another shot? Give it a go! See you, Caitlin. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, a place that has, Squarespace has been incredible to our show. We have built many a website. Yes, we honestly, there are so many problems we've solved. And if we didn't have Squarespace, these poor people would be out there without their parties, without their lies that we're corroborating. Many things go on with Squarespace. They're introducing a new design intelligent from Squarespace, combining two decades

Decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential. Design intelligence empowers anyone to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. There's invoicing, an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business. You can invoice your clients and get paid for your services.

Listen, it's all happening at Squarespace. We love them. They've been here for us all the time. And again, you can also just go there and build a website. It's very easy. They make it very easy. So head to www.squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code gil sent me squarespace.com slash gil sent me.

And we're sponsored by Greenlight. You know the deal with Greenlight. As your kids get older, there are some things about parenting that get easier. Jake? It's a way to teach your kids about money management. If you got kids, you know how important that is. I wish I had this as a kid. I had no... Also, I didn't get allowance, so it wouldn't have mattered. I was going to say, yeah. My Greenlight would have been empty.

Like you said, your dad just hit a $100 bill around his place every now and then. My green light would be like, once a year, I'd be like, how do I deposit a CINO? But I think it's great. I think it's a debit card, and it's very easy for the family. We're able to manage it. We're able to do allowance that way. And the kids have been able to take control of their finances in a way that I have found very exciting.

Yeah, like the Greenlight app also includes a chores feature where you can set up one-time reoccurring chores. There's a lot going on. So sign up at Greenlight today and get your first month free when you go to greenlight.com slash gil sent me. That's greenlight.com slash gil sent me to try Greenlight for free. greenlight.com slash gil sent me.

This season, get premium technology that inspires joy from Dell Technologies. Bring your most intensive projects to life with our most powerful XPS laptop. The XPS 16 delivers supercharged processing for enhanced productivity and freedom to express yourself with a dedicated system for AI-enabled apps.

Performance-class Dell PCs and Intel Core Ultra processors deliver a dedicated engine to help accelerate AI. Shop smarter on dell.com slash deals and enjoy benefits like fast, free shipping, Dell rewards, system configurability, and expert support. You can't go wrong with tech for everyone on your wish list. When you get a Dell PC with AI, it gives back.

So shop now at dell.com slash deals.

Hey everyone, it's the shark the original call from this next follow-up aired on september 5th It's called put some jeans on that baby. Jesus and it is the third call in the episode So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher go for it. Enjoy Hi Hi, welcome back to the show. Uh, we know you're a follow-up, but we have uh, no other information So why don't you tell us your name and what your first call was and uh, and where we're at

I'm Amina and I had called about the jet skis. Oh, Amina and the jet skis. The jet skis were just sitting in the driveway, right? Yes. Yes. Your husband? Yeah. Yes. You wanted to sell them. He wanted to keep them, but he wasn't going to fix them. Yes. And we pitched, you pretend to have them sold or something.

or you know homeowners we did an email from april on the floor yeah okay and so what so so amina please walk us through what we pitched what you did and where we're at with those goddamn uh jet skis all right so i had sent him an email from a fake email address

as if I were the HOA. And then it took a while for that. And so I CC'd myself. And I talked to him about it. I was like, hey, you know, I got this email. What do you think?

And he just got mad and he was like, I don't know why the fuck they're telling me this while other people in the neighborhood have this and that. Sure. He's got a point, by the way. I know. I'm with him. I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I would be angry too. So it kind of stayed quiet for a little while, but then the episode aired and

Yes. And so he heard it. He heard the episode and he hadn't said anything to me. And I was like, I don't know. I feel like if he had heard it, he would have said something to me by now. But he just kept it a secret. And he had showed everyone the video and was talking about it. And then finally, I approached him about it. And he was like, oh, yeah, I heard it.

So my plan was kind of foiled, but at the same time, he is working on getting rid of the jet skis and the car. So he heard and still has the jet skis.

Yes. So in this isn't we don't read the conclusion. Yeah, there's no bell ringing. We've not. We tried. We did the letter. He didn't respond. Yeah. Honestly, he was right to go. Why are they worrying about my fucking yard? That guy over there has a fucking jet ski to the enemy of this solution is the popularity of the show. Yeah. The the enemy is the enemy. The enemy is the enemy.

Now, Jake, what's happening right now? Just so we're all... Kimball Slice on the UFC one time said, the enemy is the inner me. But I guess... The enemy is the inner me. Sure. Oh.

How is, yeah, we're all a little, are we supposed to be, what are we supposed to feel? Because do you feel like that is tracking with the jet skis? I'm just looking for a way out. I thought so. And you know what? I should have let you go. Well, listen, Amina, we are sorry. We always want to ring the bell, but you know, what can we do? Dan, the jet ski man is going to jet ski. He won. He won. He won.

Yeah, he did. Now lean in and enjoy those jet skis and hopefully Dan fixes them one day and you get to go on a lake. He is planning on getting rid of them at least. Okay. So when he gets rid of them, let us know. And also, what's he charging for them? I got space in my yard for two weird jet skis. Nope, we gotta go, Amina. I've talked to Jake's wife. He's not allowed to do this part of the show anymore. Thanks a lot for the call, Amina. You can put it...

All right. Bye. Don't tell Jake on this. He's not allowed to do that. Can I get my jiu-jitsu dummy to ride one of them? He's got a rhino head in his office. We got to go. Thanks, Amina. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.