118: The Queen’s Off Duty
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And we are...

We got a Monday episode. Everyone hates the Mondays except for listeners of this show, Jake, because this is where we help. And I will say, having just done some follow-ups, come on. I agree. Admit it. We've got to run. Well, yes. We're helping. Also, Gareth, if you remember when the three of us went over our stats of what we thought, Kevin and I were way more positive. I...

I was operating from a place of fear. What is your actual number that you think our hit rate of not that they do it, but they do it and that it works? Let's all go around really fast. I mean, somebody calls in with a problem. Follow ups. Follow ups are a 70 percent. Seventy five. I mean, everybody. I mean, of the ones we air of the ones we air, which is most I would say.

I would say 63%. 63%. They take the advice and the advice works. To some extent, yes. Okay. I think so. Yeah. Shark?

Yeah, because I do think there are sometimes people like, that's crazy. I'm definitely going to do the most insane thing. And then we never hear from them again. Yeah, I think that's right. So I think 60s feels accurate for all of the calls we've ever done. I think that's right. Yeah. But I think I would say 60 to 65% too. I think that's a fair number. But I like the qualifier of to some extent.

Because they might say, I did the thing. Yep. Then they said no. But then because of it, this other thing happened. Which we just dealt with as well. We pitch something. They do it. Maybe it falters a little, but it leads to the conversation or the moment that. And that to me is. We get credit for that. Yep. That's credit. That's ours. We take it. That bell is rung. 100%. So enjoy the show.

I hope we have a follow-up on this one after all this setup, which I'm sure we will. I hope it's a victory. I hope it's a victory. Better be. Without further ado...

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Just wanted to give you a heads up that starting this week, we're going to be releasing the video episodes only on Mondays. So there will still be the audio versions on Mondays and Thursdays, but starting this week, video just on Mondays. I know sometimes we have calls that have images and videos that we watch. I'm going to be pushing those calls to the Monday ones that will have video going forward. So I just want to give everyone a quick heads up there and enjoy the episode.

Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you so much for having me. Well, thanks for coming on. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Meredith. I'm 26 and I live in New York. What part of New York? Agareth is in Albany. I am. Crossgates Mall. It's exciting. I'm in Manhattan. What section of Manhattan?

I'm on the Upper East Side. Wonderful, wonderful. Well, Meredith, 26 years old. What do you do in Manhattan? I'm a social media manager for a company. Cool. You and Caitlin just became rivals. All right, Meredith, what can we do for you today?

Okay. So I am moving in with my boyfriend. I'm actually leaving New York. I'm moving in with my boyfriend in Washington, DC soon. He's already in DC and I'm obviously in New York. So he's been really, really helpful with like touring apartments, setting up logistics, all that kind of stuff. And,

And everything is going really well, but there's just one hiccup. He wants to hang a huge plaster swordfish in our apartment. Fuck yeah.

It's an exact replica of the fish, of a fish his late grandfather caught one time. Oh my God. It's been passed down in the family, but it's massive. It's like eight to nine feet long.

Oh my God. So, I mean, my boyfriend has been really chill about like decorating and tells me he doesn't really care what we do, but like, this is his one request. And like, I want to honor his grandfather, but I don't want our apartment to look like a seafood restaurant. Um, and his parents live nearby and I just don't want them to come over and think like, I'm the mean girlfriend for saying no to the fish, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. So I,

I guess what I'm asking is how can I find a compromise that like keeps the peace, but eats the fish off the damn wall? Well, keep the fish off the damn wall. An eight to nine foot swordfish is egregious. Disagree. Thank you. All right, Jake, sit in your corner for a minute. We'll call you in a minute. You're about to have it.

I would say you've got two options and then we'll bring in the weird closer. Jake's probably going to throw our way. I would say there's one of two ways you could do it. You can offer up the compromise that we pitch or we can go at him and make him want you to stop doing something as well, which then leads us to negotiations.

You're going old 70s Bush classic. You know what I'm doing? I'm fighting the bushfire with the bushfire. Now, Jake, you're on the side of the swordfish, a rare take and position. Of course I am. Okay. Because I have sons.

Because I'm not a goddamn fool. Stop with the voice of sounding like you're reasonable. Yes, because you're not. Because I'm not a goddamn idiot. Okay, this is what, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is aggressive and insane. Meredith, what is the name of this great upgrade you've made in life, this partner of yours, this angel of a man, this gift from the Lord that has been put into your lap? What is the name of this prince's name?

His name is Caleb, and he's a huge fan of you, so I don't know if he'll like it or not. Well, guess what? I'm a huge fan of Caleb right now. I would like to wrap my arms around him, whisper in his ear, you've put that fucking swordfish on the wall. You hear me, son? You hear me, son? You keep that fish on the goddamn wall. You're on it.

You honor Papa. Jake, it is nine feet, you psychopath. You know what I say then? That's a full wall. Like, that's a wall. Meredith, I'll tell you what a problem would be. You ever been to the Natural History Museum in New York? I know you have. Yeah, nobody lives there. You know that whale? You know that whale?

Even that's too small. I like the whale in the museum. Yeah, even that's too small. Not in our house. I would love that whale in my living room. Jake, you recently revealed that you want a backyard full of concrete gorillas and turtles. Kevin, at the beginning of this call, I texted you something. One second, Meredith. I bought something yesterday with Eric Gettles and Gareth. I was going to text you. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Fuck. Where are you living? That's my backyard cabin that I built. This is going to be part of my pitch. That's my office back there. A rhino head? I got a plaster rhino head. We found it at a thrift shop yesterday. Yes. Jake. So here's my thought.

First of all, Meredith. Are you calling the show? You should call the show, Jay. How do I get that rhino head to be nine feet tall like Caleb's? How do I get a full rhino in my little weird tree house? How do I convince Caleb to sell me the, I'll pay anything? I'll pay anything. So I was in this shop with the great Eric Edelstein yesterday and we were walking around and we saw the rhino and he goes, fuck man, I know you're walking out with that.

And then he said something. You're surrounded by enablers. You need me. You need me to go out with you. No, you think I'm going to listen? No, I know you're not, but it's just, it's just to have it in your head. So here's what he said. He said to the woman working there, cause he's got a barn in his backyard. He uses as an office. And I built a little office in my backyard. And he said, she goes, you're going to buy the rhino.

And I go, of course I am. There's no question about it. I'll be taking that rhino. I'll be walking down the street with that rhino in five minutes.

And then Eric goes, I bet he puts it in his back office and doesn't even ask his wife. And I go, you're dead right. So here's what I'm saying to you right now, Meredith. Maybe the nine footer in the living room is not the best moment or not the best placement for it, right? Maybe above the bed is too much. Maybe that's not the panty dropper that Caleb thinks it might be. But perhaps there's a room in that little...

That's your problem. You can call in. I'll give you advice. Never mind. I'm not going down that road. Meredith, it should be. It should turn down. Nine foot is a powerhouse of the sea. That is a powerhouse of the sea. Jake, focus. You said swordfish, right? What's on the nose of that fucking thing? Nice, powerful fucking... That's sex, man. Jake! That's the good stuff, Garrett. Just a sword, man, going right through you in a good way. That's sex, man. That's sex, man.

Here's my pitch in all honesty, enough of this nonsense. Do you have a little room in there, a little office that he, the space that's going to be more, maybe a nine by nine. You have a space where one of the walls is nine feet. You do. And what is that room? Is that a TV room? Is that an office? Is that what?

It's so it's my office. So I'll be working three days from home. So it's my, and I don't really want that in my zoom background. No, that shouldn't be in your office. Cause that's the wrong vibe. That's not what you want. Right. But so the way the layout of the apartment is, you got the living room, you got the kitchen, you got the bedroom and you got your office. Is that correct?

Yes, we do. I will say we do have kind of a long hallway going into like where the kitchen and living room is. It's leading you to a fucking restaurant where the fish is. No. I just feel like if I want to decorate it and just put up photos of us and family, I just...

I just don't see a world where like the fish goes with like black and white photos of us. Cause it doesn't. You want to know why? Cause black and white photos, you guys belong on your phone. A fish belongs on your wall. That is the most backwards shit I've ever heard in my life. Nothing.

you could put this if you could put a nine foot swordfish in your phone i would do it there too but it only is a little photo like black and white photos of you guys being together at central park get the fish on the wall jesus christ i've never seen a human lobby on behalf of sea life like this is insane look obviously meredith okay

Jake represents the ego of Caleb, which we're glad he's flexing as often as Jake is. We don't know that. We don't know that. This is crazy. I feel like Jake's going to be on Capitol Hill in two weeks in a suit defending swordfish. I would if I could. I would if I could. Here's what I would say. Okay. You've got a couple options. One is.

Is you can offer up the idea that you're going to take a picture of Caleb with this swordfish standing upright like he caught it. And you're going to do, Jake, if you roll your goddamn eyes at what I'm talking about right now, I will find you. This is out of control. And I know where to find you. It's some weird taxidermist offering top dollar for some weirdly stuffed fish.

Possibly. Okay? So we offer that up as a compromise. Okay? If he doesn't like that, or we don't feel, here's what we could preface it with.

Maybe you go do a Jake and go to some weird ass shop and find some weird ass animal thing. Okay. And then you put, listen to the way, do you hear the tone shift? He doesn't even know where I'm going. I got places in New York. I'll take it. It's deep in Queens, but I can get you some cool shit. You know what? You want a family of boars? Hey, Mary, I come from a family of guys. We don't know the guys, honey. We are the guys. Okay.

I'll get you a fucking zebra by the end of the day. It's stuck. And it's not a real zebra. It was a horse. But I swear to God, to the naked eye, it looks like a fucking zebra. But I'll get it to you $700, $800. $350. I got a guy who paints horses to zebra. Honestly, fuck it. Put a kid on it. The kid will have no idea. Honestly, he's got no problem. What if you turn your living room into a rainforest cafe? Oh, I got turtles if you want that. We can do that. No, it won't.

It might look a little bit like a Greek restaurant at worst. No, it's not. Listen, Jake, no. So go buy a weird thing and put it in the living room and see what he says. And when he's like, no, like what if you got like maybe something that is so feminine that it almost kind of washes away whatever he's going for.

with this thing. You can just like maybe you could get like a mannequin and put it in like a flapper's outfit and just have that there. And when he's like, what? Be like, this was how my grandma used to dress. But here's the here's. And that starts the conversation, Meredith, of how odd this is that we're holding onto relics from our grandparents to take up space in the apartment that's for us.

Meredith, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Meredith, that Gareth has no love of his past relatives and the people he came from. I'm sorry. And I'm really happy for you that the partner you chose, Mr. Caleb,

Because guess what? One day we will be those grandparents and we hope that people care. This is crazy. I hope my rhino heads on someone's wall in 70 years. Your head's going to be on a wall. I would hope so. That's how I want to be buried. Meredith, why don't you just put a covered wagon with gold nuggets in there, right? Just like your ancestors used to have. So Meredith, what were you about to say before you were so rudely interrupted by Gary? You rudely interrupted me.

I was going to ask Jake. So, okay. If you don't like the ideas Gareth gave, then you're saying hallway, but like, how can we make it like not be as flashy? Like, is there a way? Okay. How about this? Hold on. Hold on. Gareth. Didn't you hear her say Jake? Yes. And I'm worried about the tone you already have. I got a question for you, Meredith.

We know these apartments in DC are way bigger than the ones in Manhattan. That's just a real estate joke. Oh my God. It wasn't a good one, but it was one. You're right. You're right. Yeah. But it's one of the, it's like a cute comment about real estate. If you were talking to you right now, you'd be furious. Not yet. Not when I'm about to finish. Oh God. All right. Can I ask you a question about that DC apartment? Yeah. How big is that bathroom?

um well we have two so you didn't say that before i mean they're like they're like decent size um now we're talking you got kind of like a his and hers yeah kind of yeah do i have to make the entire bathroom fish thing in his hold on gary please shut up gary shut up you shut up curly

Listen to me, Meredith. And I say that affectionately. Not like, listen to me. More like, listen to me. You just shouted. Yeah. Well, I needed her to listen to me in a mean way. Here's what I'm saying, Meredith. Thank you. The his bathroom. What about if the walls got painted baby blue? What if there were a couple of seashells for the light switches? Some nets. Maybe get an actual mariner. Yeah.

A full-time mariner who could lay in your bathtub. Maybe you hang up fake lobsters in the corner. Hey, maybe Caleb dresses like the Gordon's fisherman for the rest of his life. Hey, Meredith, all of a sudden, that's a panty dropper. Yar! I mean, that is an idea. You're eating my fish. I got a fish for you to eat. Yeah, but the idea, Meredith, of his bathroom

He can do whatever the fuck he wants with it. But you're saying your bathroom is yours and then the shared space is ours. And wherever he wants to put it in there, that's his. You know what? Okay, look, Meredith, he's obviously clinically insane. What he's offering is as maybe as good as it's going to get. I would also say you could do this. You could also, if you wanted to tee up this conversation,

Let him have a little bit of a pushback on this living room swordfish plan that nobody would co-sign except for Jake, who all of a sudden seems like he's maybe part buccaneer.

And let it go up there for a minute. And then let one of your friends come over and go, oh, my God. No, Garrett, some of us don't change with one or two people saying, oh, you know what I would do? They go. You are a sassy little mall child today. You know what I would do? My fear is.

I would go like this. Somebody goes like this. Ew. I'd go, you don't like it. They'd be like, no. I'd go, then get the fuck out. Pack your bags. Pack your bags. Don't let the sword nose hit you on the way out when I shove it up your ass. Crazy. Carol, get out of here, Carol. This is her friend. Ex-friend. Okay. But that's what I'm afraid of, Meredith. Yeah. If you hang it up on the wall, it's not coming down. I,

Because you got to put holes in the wall. That swordfish is heavy. We're talking about probably 85 to 140 pounds. I would guess probably even over. It is a nine foot swordfish. Might be full of just stuffing though. Well, you'd be surprised this rhino head was light.

Yeah, I'm probably 15 to 25 pounds. Yeah, nobody's like asking questions about the rhino head. It seems to be weird. But the lion I got is a good 85 to 115 and that will throw you back out. But I got a horse that's probably 12 to 15 pounds. Okay, so good stuff. So Meredith, what are you...

You just talked. You were about to say something. So what do you think of this bathroom pitch? I cannot fucking believe that I'm going like, all right, throw it in the bathroom. If there is a second bathroom. There is. There's a him and I mean, you could just say to him, you get your swordfish in the bathroom. Weird lover.

Yeah, that's true. You know what? That is sounding really good because if I do put it in a living room and I have like friends come over and comment on it, I, a lot of his friends are like you, Jake, and that they'll be like, this is awesome. I gotta say beach sand to hang out on Meredith. A lot of your friends are going to say the same thing.

Oh, I don't know about that. And that's what's going to surprise you. And that's what's going to surprise you. And guess what, Meredith? You're going to wake up one day and you're going to go, I fucking love this swordfish. Yeah. If that happens, Meredith, put a pillow over your head and go to bed for the rest of your life because that's not somewhere you need to be mentally. So, Meredith, what are you thinking? Are you going to do it in the bathroom and see what happens?

I kind of do want to put it up in the bathroom, but I also want to like make that his whole bathroom's personality, if you will. So like really go in. Yeah. Get a lobster tank, throw some lobster, make it a red lobster. But I think Meredith, that's your pitch to him. As opposed to saying, you can take this gross swordfish, which I hate and put it in the bathroom. You go, I had an idea that could be really fun. Why don't we turn this bathroom into like the ocean swordfish theme and

and make everything about honoring it in there. And that's more your bathroom. The other one, I'm sure yours is in the master bedroom. You'll go, that one will be mine. And the little weird side one will be the swordfish bathroom. But the swordfish bathroom is also the one for guests. Yeah. So it'll get a lot of attention.

Yes, exactly. We can even put like a little light overhead on the, yes. Highlight it. Yeah. Meredith, you said he was a fan. You could say you called in and this was something that look, if I'm going to have a swordfish, I'm not putting it in my living room. I'm creating a swordfish shrine.

That's good. You could also have a little lantern that kind of goes on and off and maybe a little man in there who throws water on people. I got a dummy in my garage you could use. Yeah, if you want to buy cheeks. I got to tell you, it doesn't smell great, but we're talking about a bathroom, so it should be fine. Yeah, you're going to be fine. That's not going to be an issue. Meredith, will you send us a photo when...

By the way, does the swordfish have a name? Because when I got the rhino, Eric's first thing was he put his arm around me. First of all, he said, this is the year of the rhino. We are the rhino. And second, he said, is it me? He's become Bill Walton. He's the best. And then he goes, and then he goes, second, is it me? Or is that fucker's name Horace? Oh my God. I don't know what's crazier, the stuff he says or how right he is. I feel the same way.

I was like, yes, it is the year of the rhino. We've been reading about rhinos. And second, the fucker's name is definitely Horace. Oh my God. And so will you maybe ask him if it has a name and say, what would I would like to do if you're comfortable with it is turn that bathroom in a shrine to James or Jerry or Cynthia or whatever the name of the swordfish is going to be.

Okay. Yeah. I like that. It doesn't have a name right now, but it will. It will. It will. I think you're going to win big. It will. Don't worry. Trust me. This is totally normal when you're having a swordfish bathroom chat. I promise you, don't be scared. All your symptoms are normal. It's just absolutely normal. This is part of how we heal.

No, not he, old Gareth. Grow. This is how we grow. We start off as the Gareth and we end up as the Calebs. Oh, Christ. It's salting me through a mounted swordfish. Okay, Meredith, I think that's pretty good. I cannot believe that in summation we're now pitching that this swordfish the grandpa caught now goes in Caleb's bathroom and we're going to nautically theme it. But here we are.

Sure you are. I'll tell you what. The things you do for love. Absolutely. But here's the other thing, Meredith. Let's say you and Caleb, I mean, let's just get optimistic. Let's say this fucking thing works. And let's say the move from New York to D.C. just tightens the bond. And all of a sudden, in a couple of years, you're getting married. And a couple of years after that, you got kids. And then all of a sudden, you're moving out of D.C. And you're in some house near D.C. that works for both of you. And just for your growing family, you need the more space. And then let's say you go like, well, where are we going to put...

let's say we call him Horace. And then all of a sudden you have a room for, maybe it's in the basement of the house. And then the kids grow up with it. And a big part of their childhood and their friends coming over is Horace is on the wall and it becomes a thing. And then one day, God forbid, it's going to happen. We all get older. Who's going to take Horace.

And then all of a sudden this happens again with one of your future kids' lives and their kids. And all of a sudden it's a wonderful thing that Gareth goes, I don't like the way it looks. I just want to curl my hair in the mornings. Thank you so much for the call. Bye, Meredith. Thank you. Thank you, Meredith. You do not just cat's cradle a sword for a kid. All the best. Thank you.

I would have the swordfish if I could perm his hair. Get out of here. We'll talk to you later, Meredith. Thank you. Thank you. Follow up. Bye, Meredith. Jake's a problem. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye, Jake.

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It's I'll say it. We're a little rusty. It's been a minute, but we're going to dust ourselves off and we're ready to help you. I'm Gareth Reynolds. I don't even remember how to do these. You're joined by Jake Johnson as well. I'm so sorry. What's your name? Where are you calling from? How old are you and what the hell is going on? So my name is Kira. I'm 35 and I live in Connecticut.

I just left Connecticut yesterday, so that's exciting. I'm aware. I was at your show last night. Well, unfortunately, we're not going to talk about how fantastic that was. Okay, Kira, what's going on? What can we help you with? Okay, so I work at a Renaissance fair. I'm one of the cast members there, and I worked there for about...

six, maybe seven years, but I've been there for a little while. And it's always been a little bit of a problem, but the past couple years, particularly, but especially this season, there's been a market uptick in the number of people who also work at the fair. Wow.

who kind of insist on talking to me as though I am my character, no matter what else is going on. I'm in the green room. I'm behind the scenes trying to just decompress for a little bit, or it's before we've started, or after we've closed, and I'm in street clothes, and they're still talking to me like I'm my character. I just kind of want a way to gently...

discourage that without coming across as like, you know, a fun fucking bitch. Oh, right. Nice little world we're in here. Well, let's do this. What is it? What's, can you tell us a little bit about your character just so we can maybe start from there and get a little backstory on who that character is? Sure. And I think this might actually be part of the problems in the past two years because I am now the queen there. Hmm.

We're honored to have you on the show. Wow. Okay, don't blow this. Okay, so now you're the queen, and that has to be a part of it. What kind of queen are you? A just queen? A young queen?

a young queen? I try and be a very warm and open character. Um, a lot of, a lot of people at fair, particularly, uh, kids really, really like me. Like I'm, I'm really, really good with kids in the like 12 and under. Um,

sort of age range. As far as like my actual character, I'm kind of a big goofball. That's why I like doing the fair. I like, I like being paid to be stupid. Sure. Care. Welcome to our life. Yeah, we can really, Jake Johnson here, co-host of we're here to help. So I got, this is the Garth did a really nice job. And so have you care and setting this one up. I got one big problem with this call and that is why not lean in?

Because, and here's why I say it, but here's why I say it, Kira. Here's why I say it. Here's why I say it. You're not like an insurance broker.

You're in a Renaissance fair dresses, the goddamn queen. And people are showing the queen, the respect that the queen deserves. I'll tell you what, if I was a court gesture or, you know, one of the guys who was in one of the pubs and I was about to, you know, get punished and I saw you behind the scenes, I don't want to go like, Hey Kira, did you pay your, you know, Geico insurance? I want to walk by you and just go, hello, queen. I've been in some trouble. I hope to be released of my punishment.

And all we need from the queen is like, don't talk to me, my servant boy. Jake, have you ever worked with someone who won't drop character on anything you've done? Yes, you. You text how much you love us and miss us.

By the way, all right, if we're going to open it up, never even a thumbs up or a reply to any of those ever. But yes, I have, Gareth. And I've also been there. Okay. Well, but it's different. So like, for example, New Girl, I'll just use the obvious one, is we would just act like those characters. And Max and I just went to Rhode Island on that gig where you showed the video. Yeah. But

while we were in a restaurant in Providence, like, so for example, we're on the plane and the flight attendant, I say to her, hi, do you have any snacks? And Max, as if he were Schmidt goes, he cannot eat dairy. And inappropriate. And then I go like, she goes, oh, you can't. I go, no, I can't. And then I go, do you have a banana? And he goes, that's outrageous. And she goes, I don't, but I have a plum. And he goes, he will not eat the plum.

And I'm like, we're just committing to a bit that's just for us. But it made work more fun. It made the flight more fun. So I would say, Kira, if your answer is hard, no. We'll figure out a line or a joke to get you out of it. Gareth will have something that'll be clean.

and get it out fast. But the other side is just a pitch. Have you ever considered fully leaning in and your job starts the second you get to the fair and your job ends the second you leave? There are times where like if I'm in a better mood, I'll sort of like, I'll sort of smile and nod and go along with it. But part of the problem is

That when people are committed to talking to me in character, they're really sort of hamming up the fact that I'm like what they want to do is they want to continuously like bow to me and they do this thing where like they bow and they won't.

get up until i like release them i have to tell them like oh you can recover oh you can rise like please go about your business and i'm just like jake's like i'm in heaven baby that's a hilarious tuesday morning um and you know and i just like i i kind of just want to you know eat my snack in peace okay or whatever all right here i gotta pitch i gotta pitch i gotta pitch

Refer to yourself in the third person sometimes. And when you want privacy, when they bow, go like this. The queen will be left alone now to eat her Ritz crackers and cheddar cheese. The queen will not be greeting you. The queen will be in silence for 15 minutes. So go away and drink your Sprite elsewhere, Jared. And so you are putting the rules and the boundaries as the queen, but you're not breaking their fun in the world of the Renaissance Faire. Garth?

I like it. I'm similarly thinking that, well, I have a couple ideas, but one is that when you're in the day of the Ren Faire, you command that if you take your crown off, people treat you like a regular person.

So maybe that helps establish a little bit once you guys are done with the day, it gets normal. It is super weird to have people bowing at you, like, regularly. I mean, have you ever tried to just go, right now I'm Kira, don't do that. Have you ever done that, or do you feel like you have to just kind of, like, be nice? I try and, like, be nice about it. I've tried sort of being...

Guess irreverent with it like somebody will come up to me like oh you're mad and I'll sort of do the like shabra kind of like hand signal at them and I'll be like what's up, dude, and they don't really seem to get that I'm Trying to pivot they think I am what is shabra? The joke, you know, we're like you have your thumb and your pinky out and you know shaka. Yeah, I

Yeah, like the aloha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That means hello and goodbye. Okay, so just to try to get to the middle of this one, you're 100% not wanting to lean into this? You want it over? Not all the time, every single day. That's fair.

What if you became a really mean queen? But that's leaning in. I'm not against that. Have you tried that? Couldn't that be fun? Couldn't you be a mean queen and then that would just put people in a position of being a little more worried to upset you? I don't know if I'm super comfortable with being mean to people, just in general with who I am and also my character. Last year, I very firmly cemented myself as

The People's Queen. Last year, I got up on stage and I read the Communist Manifesto to an audience. Queen Marx. Okay. Well, what do you think about the two pitches we laid out there? Any, I mean, any inklings? I like the idea of, you know, like when I take off my crown or whatever, like I'm just me. Yeah. And I do that. It's like you punch out.

Yeah, I do that. But people do it when I'm in street clothes at the end of the day, too. I'll tell you why. Of course they would, Kira, because I would nonstop. If I worked there, I would only refer to other...

as their title. I would play the status game. Remember that card game, Asshole, you used to play? The best. The best. The feeling. And I would always take it too far that when I was the king, I was the meanest so that when I was the asshole, you could punish me. But the game of... This tracks so hard. But the game of it is when you're the vice president...

If you're not kissing the president's ass, you're not playing it well. So that as soon as it's determined, your VP would be like, what a wonderful game of asshole you played, my dear president, so that they don't punish you and so on and so forth. So you're saying you don't want to get into this game. So how about a sign?

Or, you know, I was going to pitch a business card. A business card, I think, is really good that you can just hand to people that literally says the queen needs her silence. Because why take away the joke? You've already said you're a goofball. You're the people's queen. So rather than going like where they go like, hello, your highness, you going like, hi, it's actually Kira. How are you, Samantha? And they go like, that's killing joy. You could hand a sign that says the queen is on break.

Off duty. Queen's clocked out. I like that. But also, rather than off duty, what's something that the queen would do? The queen is in her quarters. If you want to talk to her maiden, Kira is here. Off throne. I like off throne. Because you can't, let's say Queen Elizabeth, right? If you're around her, you can't just walk. Oh, yes. I was given a different example. I know.

Jake, a little respect for the queen, please. No, we're talking to Kira. If it was the queen, I'd give her the respect. Wait, what? Now you're doing it, too, calling me the queen. Yes, we're all a little starstruck, Malish. I'm sorry, queen. I'm sorry. Please go ahead. Apologies. My friend here is a simple pauper with a fool's mind. He simply doesn't understand. He's a foolish little man. He has the brain of a boy. I knew of that as Jake, too, unfortunately.

Hey, that's during the game and off the game. This is the other thing I would say. I like that. I mean, I think what if you also, when someone bows at you when you're off duty, take note of it, and the next day in character say, my dearest Benjamin, last night when I was done, you gave a bow when I was not the queen. Going forward, please do not do that. I'm just regular. Right. But we're creating a weird line here, Kira.

The line is so weird. But you're saying while I'm at the fair on the queen backstage on Kira and you guys now need to know the difference. So is there a world that the crown is off? Can you take, can you change clothes on break or can you throw a t-shirt over your outfit? Could you get like a double XL shirt that when it's off, it just says like, I am not the queen. I am Kira.

Or a hat instead of the crown? A hat that just says, there's no crown, don't bow. I could probably figure something silly like that out. I can't change out of costume because I'm wearing like 15 curtains worth of fabric. Incredible.

Can we get a picture? Yeah, can we get a picture? A picture? Yes, my lady. I'll bow down to it. You'll have to forgive my foolish friend here. His head is full of pond water. He's a simple, foolish man. I would love a photograph of the queen. He ate a cow turd the other day and called it chocolate. So I think we're leaning into the world here of...

A shirt, a sign, anything in there you're liking at all? Or Kira, my queen, what are your thoughts? Because we're just a couple of court gestures. Fools, at best. I like the idea of some sort of silly, stupid...

shirt or something like that that's you know like you know like a like lifeguard off duty but it's like queen off duty or something by the way that's that's pretty that's pretty clean i like that big shirt that says queen and there you could have a crown with a big circle in the red and it says queen's off duty yeah i like that by the way

Kevin, that's a Leah shirt and we're going to make a lot of money off that because every mother in the world is off duty. My mom would have worn a triple XL to bed and gone, the queen's off duty. I'm like, you're not the queen's. Off duty. Okay. Get your own chocolate milk. But you're literally near the fridge.

Off duty. I'm off duty. Read the shirt, Jake. Read the shirt. The queen's off. Then you just have to go like, oh, shut up. As there's just like pork stains on it and cigarette holes. And then those will get really popular in like frat houses or just some guy wears a shirt where he's the queen. He's off duty. I mean, we might we might have a real merch winner here. No, but I definitely think if Leah can make one for that would be great. Yeah. Yeah.

Like we can provide this for you. And at least that starts the vibe. And then you might have to do a couple more course corrections. I think that's right. But just in plain language, that's probably a pretty good start. Yep. Yes. What do you think? Yeah, I like I like I like the shirt idea. All right.

Queen's off-duty shirt coming your way. And then will you send a photo with it on? I sent it to Kevin just now. Let's see what we're on. Holy shit. Whoa, this is fucking legit. See, this is your problem. It's too convincing. You're too good. I gotta say, just fucking lean in. And that fucking king is spectacular. That king is perfect.

It looks like he needs a Prilosec, though, to be quite honest with you. How do you and the king get on? Is there tension in the castle? Yes. We're besties. The person who plays the king, they're a huge goofball, too. And I'm sort of the straight man, and they're sort of like the over-the-top guys.

What happens when somebody tries to invade your castle? Who has the iron fist? That guy in red or orange? The weird beefeater guy? Or is it the king? Or is it the queen who's almost violent? Who attacks the people? Oh, it's definitely me. Wonderful, wonderful. And queen, what do you call yourself? Is it Queen Kira?

No, my character name is Beatrice. Beatrice, of course. And the king's name is, of course? Alfred. Of course. A bit. I wouldn't say of course. Sounds like the name of a butler, to be quite honest. I agree. Problematic that it's synonymous with Batman's errand boy. You're like, it's either Alfred or his...

King Robin. King Jeeves. Jeeves. Kira, we're going to send you a shirt. Let's see how it works. But I think you can get yourself out of this with the right shirt. And then follow up. Let us know if that starts it. I think that'll just be a good first step. You know, I mean, it's definitely a strange problem. But let us know how that works. And we could punch it up if you feel like it's not going great. We'll get you that shirt.

Awesome. Thank you. Yeah, I'll definitely let y'all know the success to failure ratio of the shirt. Please don't. It won't be successful. We're at about a 20% hit rate. But we do have a bell now. Yeah, we do have a bell. That's right. Thank you so much, Queen. Goodbye, my queen.

Thank you. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. No, thank you. Thank you, queen. Thank you. It would be an honor to lick the bottom of your shit. Take it easy, Gareth. Absolutely. Hey, Gareth. HR. HR, my king. Yes, yes, of course. I need to report to HR, my king. Gareth, don't talk about licking anything with our guests ever again. I won't stand for it. No, I'm just saying. Kevin, mute his ass. Gareth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, now! What?

You'll be eating. Hey, hey, my man, that's enough. Okay. Kara, thank you for the call. You'll have to. Bye.

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That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help. Hi, it's the Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on August 19th. It's called Noah's Ark, the story of Margarita Man, and it is the first call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello.

Hi, welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow up, but we don't know anything else. So who are you and what was your first call about?

I'm Jackie and I called about a really tall family volleyball team that was disrupting our league. Never letting us win. Yep. And we, uh, wow. What did we pitch? Ringer? Did we pitch Ringer? You pitched Ringer. You pitched the banana, the distraction technique. Oh, right. There are some good ideas in there. Well, Jackie, what happened?

So we got a few emails from ringers, but we were worried about the team chemistry. So we did bring in ringers, but it was actually my cousin's volleyball team that came to play for us. They're very good. Okay. So they came to play. We also added in fake injuries because we were worried if we were there with a big train section, I'm showing the photo. We got a photo of a guy in a neck brace.

That's my fiance, Sam. So we had neck braces. We had like little things for our hands. We like taped all our fingers together. So we all looked really injured. Okay. So just to be, just to be clear, just cause we're catching up. So you guys brought ringers in, but then for your main players, you had fake injuries like bad wrists and neck braces so that your ringers could kick the ass of this one competitive family.

exactly we didn't want them to be like you're here why aren't you playing which they did say to us we were like can't you see we're injured we're in a horrible accident as a group so now jackie we gotta know how to go our ringers did win but it was an incredible game all the way up to like two points apart we were getting really worried like if we brought these ringers in and we don't win but

but they did end up winning the family was really mad good great okay interesting so this is a wild one so you guys brought some ringers but the fucking family's good and they played a battle okay so then what happened to the how did they express their discontent what was their anger

So after the first game, they're like looking around and they came up to us and they were like, oh, so are you guys, are you all here? Can you play? And I was like, well, we're all injured. And they were like, what happened to you? And we were like, we got in a bus accident. Like we were on an outing and we all got hurt. So, and they were like, are you okay? We were like, well, obviously not. Like, look at us. We're not okay. We can drink. This is wild. It's wild. I'm curious.

Were you trying to seem like you were lying or were you just like you all wanted to be there and you thought this excuse was bulletproof?

We really wanted to be there. We brought a lot of our friends and we wanted to support my cousin and we really wanted to see them lose. And my cousin was like shocked at how upset these people were. They were just like so visibly upset. He's like, this is such a good game. How are they not having fun? And I was like, cause they love to crush people. This is wild. It's great. One guy, he brought his mom to watch.

And I heard him say to her, like, we're playing the worst team tonight, so we're definitely going to win. Well, now you know it's Mama Jean who created this group. Mama's tough. Mama's mean on them kids. It's very good for what we're going for because that is the rhetoric of a villain. Agreed. We're going to kill these moms. We have a bad guy. You know what I actually do all of a sudden? I feel bad for them. You imagine Mama on the car ride home.

how mean she was to them. You're falling prey to the mama part of this. This is a group of assholes. That's right. He probably didn't talk to them the whole way home. Hurt people, hurt people kind of thing, right? Yeah, exactly. We built in one more thing to our plan, so I texted the league organizer and told him to give that team the points because...

you know we had the point wasn't to for us to get the points the point was for them to lose you got the points anyways what are you guys complaining to me about you know you just did your jacket you just fucking checkmated them yeah you went like this you guys got the points but you know you got your fucking ass kicked in the sand yep enjoy your little trophy you yeah you lost checkmate you lost

And even though the trophy is going to say you won, you only won because it's a not very good league. And what you did was you beat them and then you like were like, all right, whiners, here you go. You beat them and then you beat them. I think that's perfect. It was so fun to watch them get smashed on. My cousin's team is so good. So that's what I did.

So that was just like a cherry on top. This is wild. How do you feel about it? Do you feel like this is like, you know, here at the show, we like to know on a scale of one to 10, can we ring the bell? Where would you put this advice, how it played out and how you guys feel now that it's over? Ring the bell. Ring the bell. Yes, for sure. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. For sure. Ring the bell. Bingo.

Well, listen, I think this is our best case scenario. But let me ask you a question before we go, because we're kind of out of this wanted to feel good story. When you look back at this story, are you proud of yourself? No.

What do you feel like? Are you like, I dealt with some villains and I got a victory. When you look back and the dust settles, how do you, how do you retell this one? I was a little worried because my dad was texting me like, you can't do this. This isn't right. And I was like, dad, you don't even know what you're talking about. And after it's all said and done,

I don't know that they learned their lesson, which is what I really wanted. So I'm hoping in the weeks to come that they'll confront me because we're all magically not injured now. So I'm thinking if we see them up at the bar soon and I'll just say, didn't it feel good to have a competitive game? So I think once I have that final little quip, then I can say, yeah, really good. Yeah. I think you're right there. And you know who else's dad texted him that Buzz Aldrin.

Thank you, Jackie. Bye, Jackie. Bye. Thank you guys so much. Bye. Great stuff. Thanks.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.