114: Forrest Dump with Pete Holmes
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There were two elves. There were two elves. There were two elves.

We are back. Moe and Robert, back in the saddle again. Moebert.

What a great time we have today, Jake. - Yeah, we have the great Pete Holmes. He just left and we decided to do his intro

Now, because we're high on Pete. Yes. We have great calls. Wild as as. And I think you pointed this out. If Eve's will even listen to this, your mother, will she? I think she's still listening. OK. You said you'll probably you think she'll find this one while he has.

Um, we have a wild, two wild problems and, uh, and the show gets wild. Pete is so funny. What I loved about him coming on our show today, cause I did his podcast and which is you made it weird. Yes, of course. Sorry. I thought you, I thought you were asking me a question. I didn't know the answer to it first. I felt your nervousness. What have I done wrong? Uh, but what, what Pete, I really like him on, cause I'm just getting to know him is,

He'll go from really funny, really jokey to big ideas really fast. Yeah. Even before I got into stand-up, because I did start late, I would watch Pete and be like, this dude is hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he's great. So, yeah, listen to his podcast. He said a lot of people listen to your episode of You Made It Weird. We did a good one together. Check it out. Which is good, and I'll probably have been on it by now by the time this airs. So go listen to me on it. Apparently, it's not as popular as Jake's episode, but, you know, I enjoyed it. You're doing the thing that you do. What, making it all about me? No. Pretending you're doing it so bad. Setting a low bar so that I jump over it. Stop it.

But enjoy the show. And as usual, share the show. Check us out on YouTube. Tell people. Check us out on Patreon. We have a Patreon. Check us out on Spotify. This podcast. Everything. But without further ado. They're fake, right? They're fake. The calls are fake. The calls are all fake. These are actors. This is like Frasier. This is very much like Frasier. You watch at the end. It's like, that was Sean Bean. That was Sean Bean.

Hi, Jake. I'm having a problem at work. You are actually the caller. You start winking at me aggressively. Hi, where are you from? Boise, Idaho. I love Boise. What district? District 9. South Africa. Oh, my God. This is a guy who lived in Idaho. You mean what voting district? Yep, that's right. Are you gerrymandered out there? No.

Have you been gerrymandered, babe? I don't know. Hello, caller. Hello. Hi. What's going on? This is very casual. It sounds like a Netflix murder doc, and this is the 911 call. It sounds like a Tiger King call from jail. Hello? Oh, no. Hello? I hear a knife hit linoleum. Sir, obviously you're calling from the penitentiary. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name and what jail you're calling from, please?

Hi there, yes. I am in Milwaukee cell block here. Whoa. And we're going to change the name. We're going to go with Jesus. Jesus is your name. You're calling from Milwaukee. Guy changes his name, picks the King of Kings. I like the cut of your jib. From the King of Cities as well. Milwaukee, gorgeous. A lot of great people from there. And you're wearing an old-style hat. I am from Milwaukee originally. I'm very proud of that. Jake loves it too. Sir Jesus, you're on with Jake and Gareth, but you're also...

on with not only a fantastic advice giver, and we're excited for Pete to solve the problems, but a great comedian. Trump. And a host of his own podcast. He needs to. You made it weird. Give it up for Pete Holmes and Donald J. Trump. It's great to see you. Wonderful state, Wisconsin. I believe you all voted for me. Best president since Lincoln. And let's give it up for Al Pacino, too. I am also here. Yeah. How you doing, boy?

Nailed it! How are you? I love Wisconsin. 100%. We turned it around. Okay, what do we got? All right, what's going on, bud? I have a very, very interesting issue here. Like most people, every morning I wake up, I have my coffee, go to work, and I take my morning deuce. Just like most folks. Doogie Howser, MD. Morning deuce.

Don't give me a ha-ha. Just give me silence. While I'm sitting in the stall. Hold on. While you're sitting in the stall. The stall's interesting, too. Twice a week, at least, a person who sits next to me in the office comes strolling in as well. However, he is not sitting in the stall next to me. He starts brushing his teeth. And now, all I can think about, I'm done going to the bathroom.

But this guy's got my food particles in his mouth. Jesus. I like how intense. Sounds like you're in the stall right now, by the way. How intense you pitch this. Hey, Zeus.

So this gets a fake name. You take poops. How are you in the cone of shame? I hate to say this, but sometimes I defecate. The fucking guy brushes two first while you're doing a two for that guy is the guy. He's got to call in with a fake biblical name. So, hey, so just so we're on the same page, you wake up, you drink coffee, you get to work, you go to the bathroom when you first get there. Yeah. Two days a week.

A guy comes in there and brushes his teeth while you're doing this? At least two days a week. Okay. And it's not just some guy. It's the guy who sits next to me. So he comes in the bathroom, he brushes his teeth, then you guys sit right next to each other and you're thinking, I'm taking a dump, you're brushing your teeth,

Is your question, what do you do? How do you move on? Sounds like you're already killing it. You're making this guy taste the rainbow. You know what I mean? You definitely have a power play on this guy. You're shitting in his mouth. If you ever have an argument, you go, oh yeah? How's that aquafresh tasting? Because I'm adding a fourth stripe. Who?

I'm adding a fourth stripe to that aqua version. Pete, who's this guy? This guy. He's in between. My name is Phil. Phil. I live in Queens. Yes. I have a roller skating rink and everybody skates for free. Phil, the guy who owns the roller skating rink. Yeah, I own it. And everything I sing sort of rhymes. Rink and free. Close enough. Have some fries. Don't have me on your podcast. I'll ruin it. My mom would say, he was real wild. Oh, yeah.

Eve will find Pete wild. He hates wild. She gets really mad when Gareth and I are too wild. She will go, that guy, Pete, he was wild. You guys are wild. She says, Damon Wade's junior ruined New Girl, and she calls him Draymond Wayans, and she goes, he was just so wild on that show. I go, I thought he was really funny. Too much. Too wild. So, all right. I'm going to bring it down for you, Mom. Don't bring it down for your mom. So, Jesus. Jesus.

We're trying to get to you here. So coffee, dump, guy brushes, you sit next to each other, floor is yours. What is the specific question? It's a very interesting setup. Yes. How do I tell him? Hold on. What character is about to come out? It's a new guy. I think he's wild. I'm sorry. It's just we got a new guy. We got a wild character. Let him out. Let him out. Free him. Oh, you're telling me there's no secret poop one seat of bathroom in your building? Bullshit.

Is that Phil? That was Phil again! Oh my God! It was Phil, the roller skating guy. Even at the rink, we got a one-seater. Okay, so you gotta have it for the differently abled! He surprisingly was. For the differently abled! I don't say disabled! Everyone's abled!

This is a surprise. Yeah, I did not think from Jersey roller skating. Didn't buy the turn. No, no. First note, it's all directing. So, Jesus. So what is the specific question we can try to help you with today? How do I tell him?

Or do I not tell him? It's driving me nuts all day. Okay, so this is on your mind a lot that your dump is going into his mouth. Your poop crop duster. Yes. It feels like a recycling. Interesting. It's a human centipede needs dental care. So this is something that you think about a lot. Do you guys have any sort of a relationship? No.

Yes and no. Okay. So just work. We have about 30 years apart from each other. He's older than I. But in another way, you're very close, aren't you? Name of this character. Because listen to me. You are eating my poo-poo. So you say, even though there's three decades between us, you do eat my DNA. What's your name? My name? Yeah. Oh, my name is Charles. My wife calls me Charlie. I tell it don't.

You're Phil's dad. Phil? Is it Phil again? I think it was Phil pretending to be Charlie. It became Phil. It wasn't at first. Phil. Okay, so. Phil is. Phil changed. It was Charlie. Yeah, right. Yes. Pretending to be another guy. It was Phil. Phil feels the pressure. So, Jesus. So, your coworker is 30 years your senior. Oh, my God.

You don't have an overly close relationship, but you do small talk. You go to the bathroom every day at work. He comes in there, brushes his teeth. The question is, do I tell him? What do I do now? I'm seeing so many solutions. I feel like a beautiful mind. There's so many solutions. Well, Phil said one. You're telling me there's no secret poop bathroom where you work? Yeah. So quick thing. Is there a secret bathroom?

The secret one-seater? There's one. We are downtown Milwaukee. There is. Beautiful. We have the whole floor, but there's only one restroom. Okay. Oh, shit. Okay. Two, Pete. You mean you can't go to another floor where there's a secret one-seater bathroom? Can you go to another floor? They're not quite as nice as mine.

Okay, so now you want a nice... Now he's adjusting my lifestyle. I don't want to have to do that. By the way, I don't disagree. I don't disagree, but he did call a podcast. Yeah, but he's not... Listen, here's where I'm with him. He's not the one brushing his teeth. No. I know you don't really have... His problem is he's trying to be decent. Yeah, he's having a big... But he doesn't want to go to the second floor. He's like, I'm taking a dump. He's not that decent. He wants to help, but not down a flight of stairs. Exactly right. Yeah.

I have another solution. Go ahead. Take your dump at home. Home bowl advantage, we call it. Yeah. What about, why do you take a dump when the first thing you get to work? That is a little great. Because I can only shit when my friend brushes his teeth. It's a thing. Also, why do you only poop when your company is paying you to do it? I like that move. Jesus.

Why not take a dump at home? That's half the reason. Yeah, that is half the reason. Oh, because part of it is you're getting paid to poop. I'm being paid. Yeah, stick it to the man. Yeah. Okay. It's a dream. Fuck you for giving me health insurance, you say. All right, beautiful mind, what else you got? What was that? Pooping at home, secret bathroom. Three, why would you tell him? There's no issue.

Let him enjoy it. If he likes your homegrown potpourri, let him inhale it. Uh-oh, Phil. The potpourri. I don't know. What do you got? Well, go ahead, Garf. I don't know. I think I would have to bring it up in some way. Again, I mean, if it's a

a problem for him then he's obsessed with it you can't unthink this here's what i would do what about if what about a fake out what about if you're saying that he pretty much is on your trail why not go in there sit down and just don't drop the deuce at all he comes in he brushes his teeth you get up you do a long hand wash he'll leave after brushing his teeth then you return are you

Indirectly pitching that you think the guy is brushing, waiting, and watching. I don't know, but it's been brought up. Because you're pitching that the other guy, the old guy, goes like, there goes his morning dump. There goes my...

There's a little bit of free toothpaste on its way. The only reason you do a fake out is that once he's done brushing, you can then go back, dump out, and go. Then you release the hammer. I tricked him because he's following me. Well, actually, I think we're on to something there, actually. I think you're sort of middle of the road, not so great pitch. Did open up an area that is going to be helpful here. This guy, the middle of the day office toothbrushes are a type.

Yes. Are they not? Yes. Not quite filled. Are they not? Yes.

This motherfucker's doing it at the same time every day, Jesus. Just tell us your real name, you piece of shit. This guy's doing it every day at the same time. He's doing it after lunch. Right. So if you watch him like a stakeout when you eat pistachios. You're a drunk. If we found out Pete was drunk, that would be the greatest thing in the world. The green juice was gin. I'm juiced. I'm juiced. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.

Joe, stop. He's in rehab in a week. We just read about it. I'm just saying there's no way this guy doesn't have a schedule. You learn it, you adapt. I don't drink, but Phil does. Hold on. I don't have a problem. Phil does. It's Phil who does all the drinking. So, Jesus, do you think because...

Pete and Gareth are acting like we're going in a good direction here, but I think this is a wild idea. Do you think this guy is purposefully brushing while you're dumping? I'm not suggesting there's a fetish. But if you're saying a fake out.

Yeah. You're faking him out because you're like. Well, it was brought up that more than twice a week, this guy is brushing while he's shitting. Yes. So one comes after the other. So this guy's seeing him go to the bathroom and he's like, I should go. So he says back to you, is there any truth to this? Because this would open up a whole new can of worms. This is a different thing. The guy you work with. I suppose. You talk. It could be. However, I believe they are just coincidences. That's what I thought. Yeah.

So the fake out is then, in essence, just a weirdness. I'd still like you to try it for two days. Because it's just a coincidence. So now you're sitting on a toilet bowl. Gareth, imagine he gets caught. What were you doing? Sitting in here while you brush your teeth. Yeah, exactly. Could a courtesy flush solve every problem we're having right now? Not a bad call there. Could a courtesy flush? Not a bad call there. What about that? Flush as you go, Jesus.

flushes you don't give him a chance to brush the particles that helps him yeah who else are we trying to help jesus jesus hey jesus i wonder who else we're trying to help jeez are we cleaning a spot where there's no stain jesus i gotta pitch go jake i gotta pitch and i think i'm being real on this but i'm not positive okay that's interesting um

Net positive? I'm right. I don't know if this is a real pitch, but in my heart of hearts, I believe it is right now. Okay.

I think you need to tell him that you feel uncomfortable that he's brushing while you're taking a dump and that maybe he can wait until you come back. Because he might be an older guy and he's just not thinking about it. The older we get, the dumber we get. You start forgetting stuff. You get in your routine. He might be thinking, my teeth always hurt. I got these cavities. I got to remember. After I eat, I got to brush and floss. And he's not thinking. You're eating my poo, man.

I'm also going to say let him go first. If we're going to have the conversation, say, would you please brush first? But it's hard because after that morning coffee, that is knock, knock, knocking. It's knock, knock, knocking. So, Jesus, do you think there's a reality here? And if so, do you think you could approach him and say, hey, friend, I say this. How are you doing this? Act it out. Jesus, can you act it out? Oh, boy.

He's the guy's name, Phil, by any chance. We're all hoping it is. Okay, here I am. So is there any world, before we get into the reenactment, is there any world that you would possibly do this for real? Because if not, we could have a lot more fun just doing voices. You can't just go up to him and you should maybe frame it as a...

You know what's crazy, dude? I know you brush. No, I think it's got to be right after it happens. Yes, that's what I mean. You both walk out and you go. I don't know how you do that. I couldn't do that. It would embarrass him. Have you noticed you always brush your teeth after I take a dump? Or you just say. Then he just turns red. Or you say, hey, man. All right. Hey, sis, can I give this a shot?

Do you want to be the older guy, Pete? Okay. My name is Gene. Gene sounds a lot like Philly. Maybe. Gene's going to be a whole different guy. Okay. And Gareth, I'm sure we're going to find somebody for you. I'll find somebody. Hello, my name is Gene. Oh, that's good. I can't wait to brush my teeth today. Great. All right. But something's wrong. There's something I usually see that reminds me.

How long have you been sitting on this park bench, Gene? What story do you need to tell to start this movie? Because this is the beginning of a movie. Forrest Dump. This is Forrest Dump. Something. Okay. I'm now Gene and I'm at the office. You just got back. I was dumping. You were brushing. And I go, hmm, that was minty fresh. We're just back at these seats. Ah.

It's time to do what I do. Yes. I want to see what else Gene does. He's a real mystery to me. He eats my shit and he's weird. My mouse hasn't been plugged in my whole career. Oh, well. Hey, Zeus. It's going to get weirder. There's a hole in the desk I've been banging.

okay hey jim enjoy i'll see you tomorrow yeah yes yes were you just in the bathroom yes um were you brushing your teeth every day you know i was taking a dump that's a little gauche oh that's a little wild i guess taking a dump

Do you mean a BM? Sorry. I'm more of a BM man. I just wanted to let you know that I was taking a BM while you were brushing your teeth. And I just wanted you to know that I think we're on the same schedule. And I just want you to know this. And then it's up to you. But out of human respect, it's up to me. You're brushing while I'm BMing. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well...

Wouldn't it make more sense for you to wait? I always brush my teeth after lunch. No. I'm not going to make any changes. I don't know why. Have you considered going down one flight to the secret poop bathroom? I'm not going to change my schedule. So you care about me, but almost zero. Almost nothing. We're in a danger zone here.

So is there any world you would bring it up to him? But if he comes back like that, we don't have a lot to stand up. No, we don't. We don't. The best case would be... My God, thank you for letting me know. I will wait. I will wait. Gareth, what do we do here? I'll tell you. I...

A lot of this lives in your head because the truth is this guy is not. So he's not repopulating your office with your poop from his mouth. I think it's more of a phobia versus a reality. I do think what Gene just brought up might be the move. I know you're uncomfortable with the different floor move, but it seems like that will remove the problem. If you do want to have the talk.

I think it's just as simple as saying like, hey, man, just so you know, all good if that's what you want. I get it. But that's kind of gross. Or we incorporate mouthwash. Or, oh, mouth. What do you work? What is Scopa sponsor? Well, no, not a fix. But Listerine. Ninety nine point nine percent of germs and plaque that live inside your mouth. Hey, so what about fart sounds?

Let him know. The Beach Boys album? What about heightening it? Farting in the bathroom is throat clearing when someone doesn't know you're behind them. Yes. Just a little. So what's basically happened is. It's a little trumpet solo that does. But that's what it is. He's in there. He's brushing. He's 30 years plus. All you got to do is go in there. When he goes in there, just go. Nope. And he'll go. No, no, it'll be like this.

My God, what have I been doing? So you're Gene. Yeah. You're in the bath. Can I step in with a note, Jake? The feed isn't over! Fine, you're Gene. Keep going. Okay. Oh, really? You bastard. Oh, God. Oh, God. Ouch. Ow.

I actually think we could win here. Are you okay? No. Run. Jesus. Get out of here. Would you do us a big favor? They have a stick on the floor below us. Would you try fart sounds? Give us one. Give it a... Nice.

I like that. Let me know something about your personality, that choice. Agreed. That it wasn't wet, it wasn't crispy, it had one part. And his diet. And your diet. Here's another question. Here's another thing. Go. Real quick. Real quick. Yeah, yeah. I want to myth bust it. I want to myth bust it. Yeah. Does toothpaste really absorb? Is it really like a tofu-like material that takes from the atmosphere more than just breathing? Yeah.

Gene comes in and pee-pees. He's breathing. He's breathing. Is he getting your poop particles? Are we worried about breathers? Or is it just brushers? I think it's... What about yawners? Who will stand up for the yawners? The hiccup people. Who will stand up for the hiccup folk? Pete Holmes checked into a rehab facility in Malibu County. Under the name Phil House. Cool breezes. He is doing well.

Cool breezes! Pete says Phil is doing great. UTA and his manager are very supportive. Unlike Elizabeth's shoes. Unlike Elizabeth's shoes. Sorry, I really had to get out one of the hiccups. No, as you should have. I think, to your point... What about the gum community? What does that mean? You told me you were done. Chewing gum? You go in a bathroom chewing gum. Are we worried about this motherfucker? By the way, everything you're saying is right. These are all disgusting. Just too loud. No. It's just too loud.

- Yeah, no. What if the same guy went in and brushed his teeth every day while you, or ate gum every day? So I don't think it's that one guy is just specifically doing the same thing and he happens to, if a guy came in while I was taking a dump and went, pop, pop. - Is he blowing bubbles? - Yeah, then I would go, hey man, you're in there doing that weird bubble thing in the mirror while I take a dump every day.

You're on the train tracks. I'm the train. We're banging into each other. To some extent, I think that MythBusters' point is right because I think the way it works is when you flush is when it spreads itself. I think when you're just sitting there, I think maybe some of this just lives in your head, Jesus.

I want to know poop particle theory. Yeah. So, Jesus, do we have a sign? I will say Jesus hung up long ago. By the way, it was Kevin the whole time. He just got he wanted to be here more. So here's where we're at on this one. Try to go to the other floor, which you said you didn't want to do. I'm not mad at it, too. You're going to keep doing it because you're getting paid to dump three. The idea of why even tell him. But we're telling him because there's a moral issue.

Not a big moral issue, but a little one. Are you closing in on four, which is yours, which is the right solution? Which is? Fart sounds. Four? Fart sounds. The Great Beach Boys album. And five? Talk to him. Five is a risky one. Five is a risky one. Five is last call. Have you ever talked to this guy? Five's Carson Daly, guys. Have you ever talked to this guy? We know how that worked out. Do you ever chat with this motherfucker? Yeah. You do. What's he like? What's he like?

He's a grandpa. I mean, he's a grandpa. I think you got to talk to that's what, when you said 30 years, he's an older guy. He's not thinking about it. Yeah. So I think big fart sounds are going to wake grandpa up to the, put him back in the reality of what he's doing. Jesus, would you ever talk to him about this? And if so, are you willing to wear a wire? Please? I think I'm leaning towards, uh,

Big fart sound. Okay. I would add in some of your own personal Adam Sandler from back in the day. Oh, make it like you're under duress in there so that he doesn't want to be around this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus, can you do us a favor and...

take the floor right now and actually run us through what you're really going to do next time he's in there brushing so we can get a sense of this. All right. I think it'll be a bit of door open. Oh,

And then maybe a courtesy flush. Yeah, I forgot about the courtesy flush. I would say if you're going to do it, it was excellent. You did stop too soon. Bigger too. I would say, could we do it again? And just go a minute straight of farts and let's go bigger. Let it be gross. You're trying to get him to leave. Okay. So he walks in the room, you hear the door open and the brush starts. Okay.

I'm just realizing it's Monday at 2 o'clock. He's doing this at work.

It's two o'clock. By the way, I, you know what? I got my real pitch for, you know, and I'm dead. Now I know this is right. You do fart sounds. Then after you walk up and you go, Hey, Carl, sorry about all those farts. Uh, I've had some stomach issues and he'd go, Oh, that's what happens in the bathroom. And then you could say, what were you doing in there?

And he goes, brushing my teeth. And you go, well, I was farting. Oh, I'm sorry, man. We should probably coordinate it. That is so good. Can I pitch on the page? Hey, man, you go back to your desk. Hey, man, I'm so sorry. I took a number two while you were brushing your teeth and farted. I would never do that if I knew. Yes, that's that's on me, man. So introduce the idea that it's to him and you're being apologetic. And if he says no problem, good.

God bless. And then next time, next time it's dude's time, you say to him, hey, I'm going to go in there. Are you brushing your teeth anytime soon? That is it. And then you go, give me five minutes. And he'll go, thanks, buddy. I'm actually thrilled. Yes. I can see why this is a popular show. I'm thrilled at the closure of this real solution. So now, hey, Suze. It's real. But hold on. We don't know yet. This is where it becomes a mystery. All right.

Are you going to do this? And the caller goes, fart sound still works for me. Are you going to do this? Oh, it's this one. I think that was 100% if I felt like. Okay, so when you do this, can you try? There's two options that we're going to need from you.

One, can you record the fart sounds on your phone in the bathroom so we can hear those? And two, can you record the conversation you have so we can at least hear your end of the start of it of you saying, hey, man, sorry about all those farts. Well, you might not even need the fart sounds. Yeah, use the farts to initiate it. Okay. I would say the farts lead to the beginning of the talk. It helps the show. Yeah. So can you...

Shut up. I'm just helping. Can you? It's weird. Can you try to do that? And if you can record some of it, if not, just follow up with how it went. I think the apology. Yes, I could do that. Man, thank you for the call. You're going to get out of the woods on this one. I believe it. I believe it too. Thank you. Take care.

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The thrill of the real. I know it takes a minute. Hi, caller. Welcome to here to help America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, age and where you're calling from, please? My name is Catherine. I am 28 and calling from Nashville, Tennessee. Beautiful.

All right, Catherine, I'm not going to lie. You have Jake, who's fantastic. Me, I'm middle of the road. Fantastic. You have a killer joining us today. Host of his own podcast, which Jake has been on and I'll be on soon. You made it weird. We have Pete Holmes joining us today. Also a man of a thousand voices. There we go. Pacino Trump. Phil. Phil. So, Catherine, what is going on and what can we help you with?

Well, thank y'all for having me. So about a year ago, we moved to this neighborhood where there's a lot of stray cats. Sure. I live on like a one street road and there's probably 12 cats that live on the street. Okay. And our neighbors... Gareth has not seen a problem. No, why so few is my question. Are these stray cats? Yeah. Are these housed? These are stray... You're saying stray, right? They're all stray cats. Okay. Yeah, all stray cats. You want a gumbo recipe or...

Just kidding. I love cats. I'll tell you what you don't have is a rat problem. That's true. It's true. You got to look at the good. There you go. Oh, yeah. It's the circle. Phil. Phil. Phil. It was Phil. Catherine, the floor is yours. 12 straight cats, one street. Yes. And our neighbors all...

all, you know, love the cats and everyone takes care of the cats. And there's like some people have got little houses for the cats to stay in. Everybody feeds them. So when we moved on the block, we also started kind of taking care of the cats and feeding them. Yeah. And so there are a few cats that have started becoming less feral, I guess, and more friendly with us. So some of them will come right up to us.

like wait for us when we get back from work and some of them will let us pet them and a couple of them have moved into our backyard but they just came into the backyard and they permanently live in the backyard i think this is how most people get their cats though right sort of yeah i mean this is the naturalization we have two cats yeah jake has your cat you just was in no you mean jose in an alley meat is weird but no an ex-girl meet him in an alley it's

Steve Burke told me that you had a... Wasn't he solving crimes? Meet him. No, I meant with a tinder. With a fishbone. Yeah. Gareth, you had that crime and you were trying to solve it and you met that cat. I think you're thinking of a cartoon. Now, anyhow, I'm going to be in rehab in a week and a half. With Pete. No, so I thought you met the cat because it was in a gutter. No.

No, I was in a gutter. No, my ex-girlfriend was like, he's going to get euthanized today and brought him home. I got you. Okay, so I met him. So, Catherine, basically... That's chill. Yeah. It was one of those texts where I was like... This girl sounds real chill. Seems like a real sweet woman. You might want to get back with that woman. What emojis were in play? Well, I did write back, kill him. Kill him.

I'd call your bluff, kill him, send photos. Put him in an alley. Maybe I'll meet him later. Put him in an alley. I'd love to meet him. The first cat. Beautiful cat. Little paws. Very quiet. Walk around. Doesn't wake you up. Catherine.

12 cats, two of them. Interesting. Two of them have started coming to your backyard. I'm not seeing a big problem yet. Just seeing an interesting cat. That's not really the problem. The cats, they are friendly, but they are still feral cats. So they don't,

They don't want to be adopted. I've kind of tried, but they will. They'll come up to us and I've tried to like trap them in the house and keep them, but they don't really want to be kept. They're outdoor animals. Unless you have an outdoor world for them, like you could build a little, and I know this because we've done it, like a little hut that they have an easy in, easy out, and they get fed enough, they'll come around. But these little cats want to live out and have the adventure of a lifetime. So I've kind of done that. Okay. But the problem is,

So I have been letting them in the house, but they don't want to be trapped in the house. They want to be able to leave the house. So I have been, I have like a sliding door and I put a jam in the door so they can come and go, especially like when it's storming outside and stuff so they can come in. But the problem is the cats aren't the only ones that

I guess, our home. And so we have other animals trying to get into the house now. And for example, a couple of weeks ago, I had left the door cracked for the cats to come in and sleep in the living room. And I woke up and there was a possum in our house. Oh, shit. So that's the real problem. I want to take care of it. Oh my God. Oh God. We just got shown an image of the trash possum. Paul Giamatti is...

There's a photo for anybody who's just listening. There's a photo of a really nice looking kitchen and a beautiful possum and a possum in your garbage can. Yeah, I hate this. And the garbage is all over the floor.

I'm going to solve it right now. Close the door. It's going to be a new record. Close the door for the show. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Close the door. Close the door. The cats won't give a shit. Close the door. They don't want to be in. They don't want to be in anyway. Well, you are using the verb trap pretty often. Stop trapping wild animals into your home. Or become cooler with possums. Yeah. Yeah.

Possum's just a cat with a different tail. Possum, an angry cat. And out of feral cat and possum. What's so bad about having a pet possum? That guy's dying to be in your eyes. By the way, now that I'm looking at it a little longer. It's like a magic eye. It was one thing at first, but now I'm just seeing a winning situation. Let me get a zoom. It looks like he has a cold beer. Yeah.

Look at this guy. Look at this guy. Yeah, he seems like the coolest dude ever. So, Catherine, you leave. Oh, is that gross? Well, let me ask you, Catherine, why won't you close the door?

so part of the reason i won't close the door is because the cats have now become accustomed to a certain standard of living right and so they expect to be able to come inside so i'll hear them screaming at the back door so all right hold on hold on katherine i gotta i gotta clean this up a little bit just for my own brain yes you live you moved in a neighborhood there's a lot of stray cats the stray cats do not want to live in the house

You've started forming a bond with two friendly cats. They meowed the door. You let them in. They don't want to get trapped. So you've decided to just leave the door open. The problem is, is other animals like a literal huge possum has come into your house in your kitchen. A tail that looks like a witch's finger. It looks like a Star Wars thing. It's disgusting. So...

Your specific question is what, Catherine? How can we... Because I know what I would do. How do you get a possum to purr? I know what I... My instant thing is you got to close your door. Yeah. But what is your specific question here? And then we could see, because we are on your team. We're your friends. We're going to help you here. You want the cats in the house, but not the possum. So what is the specific question? I guess the specific question is...

If I want a solution for the cats that doesn't involve the possum, what would you suggest? Because I'm out of options. I've given them outdoor houses. And they don't go to the outdoor houses.

Possums love them. Yeah, they don't want those, though. And I do feel bad for them. I do like them. Yeah, I get it. Well, is there a superstitious shape that a possum won't cross through? Yeah. So that's, I mean, it's hard because, I mean, it's not like there's certain music a possum would enter the house to. Corn. Corn.

Is the possum the same size? I'm just spitballing. Is it possible to have a tiny door that's only cat-sized? A possum will get in. So you've created a real danger zone, Catherine, because the possum knows there's food in that box.

So that your house is just a weird box to that possum, but it's literally been in your garbage. So that's a food source. It's never, it's going to teach its kids inside that house next to that weird black dishwasher. That's generational wealth. It is.

This is for this possum community. Not only did you not hurt the possum or relocate it, you let it probably eat until its fat ass was full and walk out. How did you get the possum out? He's never been full. She fed him. She threw Reese's Pieces until it walked out. She cut up a cat. Or she's going to go, I didn't let him out. He's watching TV right now. He bit my husband. He's sitting on the couch next to me. Have him.

Have him on for the follow-up. He has a gun pointed at her while she's on the phone. Stop calling me, Todd. So, Catherine, how did you get the possum out? So, you know, if you know anything about possums, which I didn't until this close encounter, I guess, but they freeze when they get scared. So when I went downstairs, I got that picture and I sent it to my husband who was out of town. What a text to get while you're out of town. Honey.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I'm in the middle of a meeting. There's a possum. I can't solve every problem. Honey, I have an issue. You got it. There's a possum in our kitchen. Fuck! Well, in that time, the possum, they freeze when they get scared. Yes. And he froze and he fell behind that garbage can. Oh my lord. He played dead. Yeah.

And then I had to take the garbage can out and I went and got some fish from the fridge and I put it on a plate for him. And I knew she did. Yeah. You fattened him up. And so then afterwards you did what? You gave him fish and what did he do?

I would come downstairs like every 10 minutes and slowly move it closer to the door because he'd freeze every time I went down there. This is my favorite movie of all time. You guys are my favorite buddy comedy. Yeah. Your solution is such a problem. I'll tell you what, it's very sweet. It's very sweet. But I'm going to tell you, as the possum, which I relate to more. Of course. You have shown me.

That you will leave the door open for cats. You don't want me. Who cares? I'm in. Then when I eat your garbage, I have a disorder. When I get scared, I pass out. I'm not psyched about that. Everybody knows that's how we mostly get relocated. But what I'm telling my friends, this fucking lunatic, I wake up, there's a bowl of fish. So I eat the fish. He comes down, scares me for no reason. I pass out. As you do. When I wake up.

The fish is still there. It's like a legend. It's like a myth. They're going like this. Oh, sure, Ronnie. She gave you a bunch of fish and you passed out nine times. He goes, I swear on my life. And he goes, I'll tell you what, the door's open right now. I'll go in there again.

So you are creating a really problematic relationship with this little son of a bitch. I need to know how annoying the cats are. Are they like keeping you awake? What kind of meowing are we talking? Screeching, meowing, clawing, scratching.

Yes. How adorable is it? They do cry. I worry that it is bothering the neighbors sometimes. That's how loud they'll get. So here's what I got. I am emotionally attached to them. So I wonder if maybe that makes it sound louder. Well, you care about you. You're obviously a sweet human being. Here's the solution. I have it.

Have a baby. You will give zero fucks about any of these animals. Have one baby and you will hear them crying and you will laugh and throw, you'll flick lit cigarettes at these fucking cats. You will give zero shits. When you have a baby, the pets go from number two to number 102. It's so sad, but true. Let this be the way. Let this be the way I've spoken. The baby will be crying. One of those cats should just walk out there and go, ah! Ah!

But, Catherine, we're here to help you. You're in this spot. Gareth, what do you got? Your hand went up. Well, I mean, honestly, I feel like the possum came in when you weren't home, correct? But the door was open. Yes. I think the solution here- No, I was asleep. It was at night. Oh, at night? I can't be leaving. I just think in general, the door being open 24-7 is not good policy. Hold on.

Hold on. You just turned me into a 50-year-old dad for a second, young lady. You're opening your back door and going to sleep home alone? My husband's out of town. Let me just crack the door. You know what I love about what you just did, Jake? You can't.

If a possum could get in, so could a burglar. It's Jim, the possum burglar. What are you talking about, Catherine? She's got fish. She'll get out a robber. It's possible. Wait, you can't leave the back door open and pass out when you're home alone. No. And a tray of fish ain't going to help a crook, I'll tell you. It might.

You're going to scare him? The crook's going to pass out? He wakes up, and then he goes, she goes, a crook came in. He got scared, passed out. I left all my jewelry by the door. Wait, this is why they call them cat burglars. They can get in spaces left for cats. Well, especially with the griddle. Oh, I didn't know that.

It's not. Yeah. Well, because they're quiet, I think. Yeah, probably. Maybe. And if you push them off, they land. First of all, Catherine. And you can see their buttholes. Yeah. I don't think that is. No, it's true. A cat burglar. They're all black outfit. Black, you know, knit cap. You can see the buttholes. Perfect buttholes. A little cut on the booty. You can see the butthole.

And what I like about it is you can see the butthole. Now I'm talking about the pinkest of the pink. At my roller rink! Oh, Phil! Phil jumped bodies! I'm Phil Standen. I just do Phil when the real Phil didn't show up. But hold on. He was needed. For starters, Catherine, we have to have a schedule when that door locks. Am I wrong, Catherine? Wait, what was it? Sorry. So...

Sorry, a giraffe just came in my living room. Sorry, I'm distracted. I was putting out a bowl of jello for a giraffe. Sorry, there's a hawk in my shower.

Let me just open some of these windows. This is the premise of Dr. Doolittle. You are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so close to being the kooky lady that's friends with the animals. She is. And if you could hear him talk, they would just be like, we take advantage of you. If you said your husband when he was out of town, it's because he's a screenwriter and he just got that way and realized he doesn't have ideas and this was the past, this was how Dr. Doolittle was. You got Jumanji'd, lady. You've been hard Jumanji'd. So I don't think we could pitch...

on real ways in a real world. We can do bits about what a cat might like that a possum wouldn't. We can't do like music.

They all like the same stuff. They're wild animals. They like free food and warm places. Do possums have a different sleep schedule? They're nocturnal. They're nocturnal, so they sleep during the day. Cats don't sleep during the day. So one of the solutions is we keep it closed at night. I think in general, I think in general, a good coffee. Squirrels. Any animal can get in your house.

Trump's in there. You thought I was going to be, you know. Trump's in the basement. I don't understand the rats coming. You got some tasty garbage, Catherine. The way I have the door set up right now. Hmm.

It's open enough for a 15-pound animal or smaller to get in. I have a new solution. I did too, actually. Go. All right. Radioactive ooze. Let them all be exposed. You become their sensei. Now you got some teenage new ninja possums. Your splinter. Your splinter. I have a pitch. I have a pitch. Jake will be your shredder.

Shredder. Jake's a major shredder. I always thought Shredder was the good guy. He's out there with the brain. Catherine, here's what I'm thinking we could do. Breck. Because you don't want to take the obvious advice of keep your door closed. So it feels like we can get out of this call and at the end you're going to go, yeah, but I feel bad. And then you're going to have a possum issue, which leaves us to no growth, no gain, no change. Here's what you can do.

You can train these two cats to come through a higher window and you could create a cat door that is higher elevated than that possum can get to. And the way you do it is the same way you train a bear in a circus to stand on two feet. Electricity. Nope. A little bit at a time.

So you take the two cats, you're petting them. Then you put their food up on a ledge. Yeah. Then they get up there. Then that window ledge, open it. Then when they know how to do that, that ledge is where they cry to.

That door never is open. Yeah, the door being open. Never is open. But the window starts getting open. Then when they know that, then you build a cat door there that only they, with their weird little cat bodies, can jump straight up. A cat can go from zero to six feet. A possum can't. Possums three at best. Possums pass out when they see people. These are things that aren't going to make it in 100,000 years.

This is the end of the road for these creatures. I mean, he is opening a beer in your trash. Yeah, but they got a couple generations left and they're done. It also looks like he's holding the door open and as soon as the picture was taken, he was like, and good day. I said good day. Oh, you're still here, huh? That would work, but possums get scared and pass out when they see people. That's right. But I think that's pretty good. I would also say as you're in the mood of that, as you're on the road to that transition,

Just if the cat's meowing, let the cat in. I think having the open door policy is going to only get you into trouble. And especially at night. I mean, that's just fucking ludicrous. Someone needs to step in and just throw some water on this situation for you. You can't just keep your door open all night. I mean, you are going to wake up some. I mean, it's just it's bad. So, Catherine, what do you think about the it's unrippably bad? It's just you're like, I'm going to wake up. Yeah.

It's unrippably bad. It is so bad I can't even rip about it. It's a punchline-less problem. Well, it's why I went back to the window because I realized he's just saying it's really bad. Yeah, it's really bad. But there wasn't a solution. No, my solution is that you play. Close the door. Well, if the cat meows, you open the door. Just like a regular relationship. But she's saying what happens if they meow at night? I think you make a better cat house. Yeah. But you're saying they don't like the cat houses.

Could it be because they're not high quality? But you're also, if you build a cat house, you're going to get the possums in there. So what do you think? That is the main problem is that the possums and raccoons like the cat houses too. So I think that's why the cats don't like them. Catherine, what do you think about the elevated entrance window? The EW? I like that one. I had not considered that. I think it's good. And I do think I could train them. Yeah. So here's what you have to be, Catherine. A little tough at the beginning. Because guess what?

The door is now closed to animals. Say it back. The door is now closed to animals. Say it with a little conviction like you believe it. It is all true. Say it like your fingers aren't crossed. I think I'm just feeling like the door will be closed to animals. Say it like the possum is into the room with a knife to your throat. If I can figure something else out. Wait, what did you say? You know? Say it again. I said I feel like I could commit.

to closing the door if the cats have another way. So I see a window right behind that sink. Does that window, is that a window going to that blue door? Does that open? Yeah, that'd be perfect. Now we're talking. I can see it right there. So we have a solution. If they meow, you open that, you have your fish, you say, come on in. Catherine, if you let them in the door, you're literally going to have possums in your kitchen like you have. It's madness.

Could one of the cats be hired like a customs agent? It's pretty good. There's glass. Jason Bourne.

You know, cats come up, you check their little kitty passport, you stamp it with your paw. Every once in a while, Possum comes up, he's wearing cat ears. Nope, not you. No, he faints. I knew it! You can't get past customs, man. They show you pictures of human beings to see if you faint. He's a cat, let him in. I have global entry, he screams. So, will you start doing the window entrance for real? The cat window.

Yeah, I think I could do that. I do. So you don't love it. He doesn't sound convincing. You said, I think I can do that. I do. Rather than, yes, I do want to be a Ventura, but somebody needs to do you. Do you want all these animals in your house? No, I don't want. So what solution? What solution do you want? What do you these cats don't want to live with you, Catherine? They want to come in and mooch from you and leave.

They don't. Catherine is a sweet lady. She tried taking them in. These cats do not want to commit to you. Yes. They're just not that into you. Yes, it's true. Catherine, listen, I got to give you the harsh advice. They're not as into you as you are into them.

You're just another door. You're just another door. And they also let their possum buddy in. Who do you think told the possum? Yeah, they started blabbing out there, bragging and blabbing. I actually do this to my wife with our raccoons, but I pretend the raccoons don't respect her as much as she respects them. And they talk to me about it because she like feeds the cats and the raccoons will eat it. And she'll go like, oh man, the raccoons got all the chicken. And I'm like, they don't respect you, Aaron. What?

When you're not around, they tell me about it. They'll be like, this white lady just gives us chicken all day. She's an idiot. And I'll say to them, she's a really sweet lady, guys. Don't treat her this way. And she goes, she just puts this out and puts this out. She's a goof. She's a goof and a goon. What is the natural enemy of a possum? That's my last... People. Just people? Yeah, humans. Is there something that possums hate but cats are okay with? People. Okay. So higher...

Hi, Catherine. Do you know any security guard? 24 seven. Well, what do you think, Catherine? I mean, it's not I mean, it seems like it's the best solve. Yeah.

I just don't know if she's going to do it. I'm going to try. I'm going to try to get them to go through the window. No, it's not try. They're not going to do it unless you force. They're not going to go like this. You know what? You're bringing up a lot of good points. I'm going to learn a whole new skill as opposed to just walking through this door, getting all the fish I want, coming and going when I want. They will adapt. Yes. If you say. Okay.

- You don't get any food unless you jump. - Well, at least give it a shot. But I think they will, for the comfort of your house, they'll probably adapt. - Wait, what if there's something that cats can climb but possums can't? - Yeah. - Yes. - Like a texture. - Ooh. - Like something, it's a Google away. Some ramp that's easy for cats. - There are like little cat tunnels. - Yes. - Like what if they're kosher and you grease it up with like pig guts? - Right. - Yeah. - And they're like, "I would, but I don't."

But I'm gross. Heaven is worth it. But Catherine, all this is going back to an elevated cat entrance that I'm just not convinced...

You're ready to do. It's like we're talking to somebody who has a drug problem and they're going like, of course, I'm going to stop. I just take my guidance for pain. Yeah, but also not today. So, Catherine, we're not going to hang up until we hear a hammer in the head. I'll close the door tonight. So will you say tonight? How about during the day? Jake, I'll quit these cigarettes, but I'm going to finish the pack first. Let her finish the pack. Okay.

No, Catherine, your door should not be open to wild animals. Yeah. Well, it might be good to get a couple cats in and let them back out through the window so we're establishing a new port of entry. Oh, I thought. I bet they would do that. Catherine, what does your husband say about all this? The husband's made up. He likes the animals. I think...

He doesn't like them as much as I do. I think he would prefer for the door to be closed at all times. I'm going to wager that however enthusiastic about the animals he seems, that's 10x reality. Yeah, I think he is. He's doing that because he loves you. And at night he's just thinking like the George Harrison stabbing. Just like anyone can just come in and just stab my lung whenever they want. You found the riff. Yes. And I don't know if I did that. So, Kathleen, I'm going to say from this show...

You called in, you're asking for advice. We're going to insist you take it. That door is not open to animals. If you open it, I need you to make a real promise and you're going to call in a follow up and just admit the loss.

And then we're just going to, we're not even going to, we're not going to get mad. You're just going to say like, if you say like, I'm going to get sober on Friday and then you party, you got to come in and go like, Hey everybody, I don't have a hundred days anymore. That's okay. And then we are going to start over. But if you open that door, if an animal walks through that door, you need to call back and you need to say like, Hey, my name is, uh,

Lauren, I'm from Catherine. Lauren was the last one. That's why I always keep a notebook. And you got to say, I opened the door to animals and I have a problem and I can't stop. That's right. I don't care if cat fucking Williams comes to your door. Meow. Ain't no one coming in. Meow. Meow. What do you think about that?

I can do it. Send us some evidence. Door closes. If you break, you do it and you call in. Okay. Okay. And I can do it. And whatever technique you start doing to get them up to the window, we would like evidence of that. Okay. Thank you. All right. All right. Good luck. I'll report back. Thank you. Thank you.

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That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help. Hey everyone, it's the Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on March 11th. It's called Craggly Hand with Darcy Carden, and it is the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Shark, you do the intro on this one. Here we go.

Hello, this is the shark. Hello. Welcome back to the show. We have Jake and Gareth with us. Can you remind the guys what your name is? Maybe an interesting fact about yourself and then tell the guys what the original call was. Yes. Interesting fact. I do burlesque. You do ballet? Burlesque. Oh, burlesque. The sexy ballet. Cooler ballet, yeah.

Okay, that's cool. And then can you remind the guys what your call was? Yeah, so I called you because me and my sister were on the same swing as at. All right. With Darcy.

What was the color? Oh, she had, your sister had craggly hands? Yes. Yeah. Right. Okay. I'm having a little hard time hearing you, but now I'm putting it together. So you and your sister, you found out you're on the same swingers up and you didn't want to go to the same party and the idea of her craggly hands grossed you out. Is that correct? And then what was our suggestion of what you should do? Oh my God. It was,

He made a lot of suggestions. Sounds like us. But I know he said talk to her, but it was just hard work. And then I got my partner too, and we were just trying to make like –

more like little suggestions and they just, I don't know, it just went weird. But so a couple of months ago, I was actually doing a burlesque show and my partner was waiting outside, waiting to see it. And he got a tap on the shoulder and it was then that

And they looked like they'd been up all night. And we actually knew that there was a swingers party that night, like a massive one. It's like a saints and sinners ball. And they said, oh, what are you doing here? And they didn't know that I did burlesque. So he just broke the ice and told them. And they're like, oh, that's great, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, oh, well, what are you guys doing here? You guys look like you've been up all night. And...

They're like, oh, nothing. Like, they went really weird. Anyways, he just went out with it and goes, oh, I heard that there was a big swing party last night. Did you guys go? Ha, ha, ha. Anyways, my sister just went red in the face and she's like, nope, got to go. And it's just been fucking weird from then. So that's what happened. You're welcome.

so i think yeah so just to catch up for us i think we probably didn't recommend talk to them knowing us right we probably did something stupider than that maybe darcy said talk to them but i guarantee we said something really banger i think there was a pitch of like coordinating

Like, let's go out to dinner in another place. And when they said yes, then you were going to go. Yeah, yeah. And so essentially, you didn't do any of it. You talked a little bit. Your sister denied being a swinger, and you guys are still just holding your breath, hoping not to see each other's genitals at a party. Is that correct? Yes, sir.

Pretty much, yeah. All right. Well, guess what? Thank you for calling. Well, I think this is what I think. I think it's like at this point, run the risk. And if it happens, it'll shock the system. Yes. Well, I mean, she's not going to listen to us. Yeah. Just do your thing. If you happen to see your sister at a swing or something, please call back. Yes. Right. Tell us what happened. We need a hotline. Yeah. We need like a 911 for the show.

But it sounds like you're still in the same pickle here, and good luck. Yeah. Is that correct? Or am I misreading? So nothing's improved, but you didn't really try anything. Have you and your significant other gone to a swingers party recently? We've been to them since we've talked to you and stuff like that, and we've had people over, and we're crazy kids, really. Yeah.

Sounds pretty high. Yeah. Sorry. Okay, well, look, I mean, I would say keep us posted if there's a development in the direction of improvement or non-improvement. But for now, it seems like swinger stasis. But it's nice to hear from you, and it's nice to hear you're still cooking. Yeah, it's nice to hear you're still swinging out there. Yeah, it's time on TV.

Nice to hear from you. We appreciate you. Your first call was really fun, and this is fun, and hopefully we talk to you again. Yeah, we really love the Swinging Lifestyle. Jake and I are both into swinging, so. Not accurate. Oh, sorry. If you're ever here in Australia, I'll take you out. I'm sure my girlfriend would love to hear that. All right, Jess. Thank you. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye. All the best. Bye-bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.