232. Why do we hate criticism?
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s.

Being criticized, whether it's at work, by a partner, by a friend, on the internet, it is never a pleasant experience. It can leave us, I would say, quite indignant, quite angry, shocked, embarrassed. Maybe you want to hide away. Maybe you're quite anxious. You're thinking that someone is disappointed in you. Someone doesn't like you.

I think it's only fair that we have that reaction. Our ego can be quite fragile. It's quite a sensitive being and it's sensitive and fragile because it's trying to protect us. But sometimes what our ego thinks is best actually isn't helpful. Being able to take what you need from feedback and override that immediate emotional reaction can actually provide us with so

So much knowledge, so much information, so much power. And it's why I think that we need a new approach to handling criticism that doesn't essentially throw out the baby with the bathwater. And that is exactly what we are going to discuss today. The biggest reason, personally, this is just my opinion, but the biggest reason I find that people struggle with criticism, and I will include myself in that category, is because we don't understand our reaction to it.

We tend to only process criticism emotionally rather than logically. And that means that it becomes a highly tense kind of situation rather than one that is quite neutral.

alongside that, you know, for those of us who are naturally just more sensitive to criticism or we feel like our sensitivity is a fault that we have, we actually tend to get into this cycle of avoiding feedback at all costs, whether that's in our jobs or in our relationships, instead of really understanding why it is that we personally feel so intense about it and why it is that we feel the need to avoid feedback or

I think understanding where your aversion and your hypersensitivity comes from, because it is something that some of us are almost just born with. And, you know, understanding why that's the case or if you weren't born with it, whether it came from a hypercritical upbringing, a past relationship, a fear of rejection, whatever.

I think that can be really empowering. And the same goes for really anything that we discuss. When you understand the origins and you have the knowledge and the information to understand your brain and your personality and your reactions better, suddenly the thing that felt very dangerous and scary and hostile to you becomes something that you can kind of

know better. So we're also going to talk through how we can develop a healthy approach to feedback, how we can hold space for both our emotional and our logical reaction. And also when you actually don't need to listen to someone's feedback, when you don't need to listen to someone's criticism. Let me just say as the

someone who works on the internet, there are a lot of people who want to pass pretty cruel judgments. And those individuals and those situations aren't, you know, they're just, they're not worth a second of your time. They are not worth it. And sometimes I think our hatred of criticism and feedback is

comes because we see all criticism as being this very cruel negative thing. But there is a distinction, an important one, and I want to give you an easy method for figuring it out. It is a big episode today, folks. It's definitely, I think, one that I'm going to come back to multiple times when I need it. So I hope that you learn something. I hope that we can dive into all the psychology that you're wanting to know, all the research that

behind this ubiquitous topic, this topic of criticism. Without further ado, let's get into it. I'm going to go out there and make a pretty huge statement to begin with that not a single person on this planet likes being criticized. Even the people who claim to or who are like seemingly open to feedback, they welcome it. Let me just say, no matter how often you are criticized, no matter how used to what you are, it's still...

Stings because human nature is to almost feel a little bit threatened or to bristle when you seemingly are criticized or are put down or your mistakes are revealed.

Even those of us with the thickest skin, we will still wince at hearing that someone is displeased, doesn't like our work, finds some fault with our character, disagrees with our behavior. I want to make it very, very clear that that is quite a natural reaction, right?

Interestingly, I think that's also the reason why we sometimes hold off from giving constructive criticism to others as well. You know, you've got a friend who's like pissed you off or a co-worker who continually frustrates you and you complain about it to your friends over and over again. But you know you're never going to say anything because part of it is that we have empathy for

for the pain and the sting that is created by criticism. We don't want to put someone else at the receiving end of that. And maybe in a similar vein, we don't want someone to then throw criticism back at us. If you want a really cool study detailing this,

There was a series of three experiments conducted a couple of years ago, and basically the researchers put around 1,200 participants through this real-time scenario where they were asked to complete a survey. And the survey was actually being administered by someone who was a member of the research team.

And as they're completing the survey, you know, the participant would look up and see that the, you know, the person who was observing them, who was conducting the survey, had food on their face or had lipstick on their teeth. And it was very, very obvious. And out of those 1,200 participants, only about four of them said anything. No one wants to be the critic anymore.

Even if we think it might be helpful because it's awkward to say, you know, I've noticed something about you that is embarrassing or unappealing or unappealing. And I think it's our like empathy for someone else and knowing that if we were in their shoes, we would feel deeply embarrassed and awkward. So criticism like whilst it might be helpful, we have this weird relationship with it.

The reason that we truly hate criticism though stems from our ego. You may have already guessed that. Now when people hear ego, often they conflate it with arrogance, right? You know, someone who is high and mighty, who is full of themselves, who believes that they are very impressive, they have a big ego. But actually our ego isn't about our self-opinion. It kind of is, but it's more about how we mediate our internal feelings with

...with what's happening in the outside world or externally. And this was Freud's original idea of ego. He was the... I don't like to say creator or the founder. He was the discoverer maybe of ego. And how he saw it was that it was a control center for our self-esteem. And its job was to basically integrate what other people might say about us... ...their opinions, the feedback that we're getting...

and what we believe about ourselves, basically pulling us into check. It is responsible for maintaining a sense of self.

And when we receive criticism, this is, of course, seen as a threat to that very sense of self. We have a natural desire to feel good, to feel good about ourselves, to think that we're the shit. And therefore, there is like a natural discomfort that comes with the insecurity and the negativity that often accompanies criticism, right?

So, you know, when your boss says, well, that's not really what I was after, or a friend tells you that they're upset with how you behaved and they really think that you should think about your actions or some internet troll says you look ugly, you know, says you have an annoying voice. I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting. But basically in those situations, our immediate reaction is to be quite agitated, to feel threatened and to feel upset and

Because our unconscious defense mechanism is to protect our ego. And the way that we do this is kind of detaching from the criticism or maybe even finding a way to lessen it. This may include, you know, discrediting the person who is criticizing you. Like, you know, why would I listen to them? Like, I don't respect them and therefore their judgment becomes less important.

We also justify our mistake or our behavior based on the context. We might ruminate over it. We might take it incredibly personally. We might withdraw or we can actually use the criticism as motivation. We can engage in some reflective, selective processing and take the positive parts on board. That is 100% the scenario that we want.

But is it the scenario that happens? Not really. Not all the time. It honestly takes practice to have a healthy approach to criticism, which is naturally a lot harder for some, especially if you are someone who is highly rejection sensitive or just sensitive in general.

criticism, even when it's constructive, can feel a lot like rejection because it can be perceived as someone saying that they are displeased with you, that they dislike you. And whilst it's only normally about some small thing, something that's maybe even arbitrary, when you are someone who is quite sensitive to rejection, you take that small thing and you make it huge. And it makes you start to believe that maybe they don't like you as a whole.

This is, of course, faulty thinking. But if you do have that intense rejection sensitivity, you cannot override that first thought. It is very, very hard to not follow your instinct.

This rejection sensitivity, it's really, really common if you're someone with ADHD because we know that ADHD often leads to hyperfixation, meaning that we get stuck on this point of criticism, we cannot break away. But it also makes it harder for us to regulate our emotions towards particularly upsetting situations.

And this is one of them. Obviously, you don't have to have ADHD to be quite rejection sensitive, but there is quite a quite a connection.

The result of this, though, is quite extreme and it often looks really extreme to others. You know, maybe they can, they get a bit frustrated with criticism and then they can sweep it under the rug or they can just move on. But if you're someone who's quite sensitive to it, you're going to suddenly have really intense anxiety around the situation. You might not want to see that person again. You might avoid them. There's extreme sadness, anger, not being able to stop talking about it, even when you can

tell that other people are moving on, that kind of thing. Actually, it can be really annoying because I think some part of you might know that it's not that deep, right? You know, the person was just trying to help. You have your excuses, you have your reasons and you want to handle it positively. But that rational approach is once again overridden by a deep anxiety, a deep fear, a deeply ingrained instinct, right?

I actually think I see this most often in relationships because obviously when it comes to love, when it comes to connection, there is so much to lose. When we care about something a lot more,

Any criticism related to that thing always seems to take on higher stakes and it takes on a new level of importance because we don't want to lose them. We don't want to lose our partner or our boyfriend or our friend or our girlfriend. So, you know, if your partner is like providing you with feedback after a fight or they say, you know, I don't like how we went about that. I don't like how you did that. I don't like how that made me feel.

Your brain is going to take that and go, okay, so is this a bigger problem? Is this indicating something more that I'm not seeing? Are they going to break up with me? You see how the fear spiral goes? You know, I used to be someone like this because I

I think I had a real fairytale image of love where the other person, the person you're with, adores you and they adore everything about you and you can do no wrong. And so criticism made me feel like, okay, so obviously we're not meant to be together because true love is meant to be perfect. Very short-sighted.

I think the other reason why criticism in relationships was something that I was particularly sensitive towards was because my first boyfriend would always criticize me to kind of push me away when he didn't want to speak to me for a few days. Like he would, it was almost like he would deliberately get mad so that I would not want to see him so that he could have space and he would time it, time when he wanted space with the

the criticism, right? You know, it's crazy the things that we tolerate at any point, but especially when we're younger. And over time, I think I came to realize that it really created a complex for me that criticism is something that can be weaponized. And it always has some ulterior motive to it. This person wants to hurt my feelings. This person wants to get away with something. There is no way that they could be helpful.

Here is the thing that I have since learned. And hopefully you already know, but if not, listen, listen up. I think feedback in any relationship is actually one of the key ingredients. It's super important. I actually personally now believe that a relationship can't survive without it. And you know my saying, I think you don't truly know someone until you've had to have hard, vulnerable discussions about something that you would rather avoid. Criticism is part of it.

The alternative to that and the alternative to not bringing up your concerns in a constructive way, constructive being the key word here, is resentment. And I think that resentment is a much more toxic addition to a relationship than feedback. Resentment will poison everything. Feedback might just injure your ego, right?

To me as well, the reason that I think we need to be more accepting of constructive criticism is that it shows that you are prepared to fight for something. It shows that even if it's uncomfortable, you actually want things to get better.

You want, you know, this other person wants you to improve. They want you in their life, in their workplace, in their friendship circle, in wherever. But again, there is that sensitivity such that, you know, even the most kindest, gentlest of statements can grow teeth and hair and become monstrous in our minds.

So there's one final reason or contributor to that sensitivity that I want to mention. And it has to do with family and criticism in childhood. I don't think there is a single episode where I do not reference childhood wounds in some form or another. But it is a huge factor when it comes to our relationship with feedback. I'm going to ask a question here.

Or just kind of a hypothetical. Have you ever met a parent or like witnessed a mom or a dad who is just so insanely critical of their child and will not cut them some slack? Like their child meaning, you know, under the age of 12 even.

So I've got a story about this. I used to babysit these kids and I'm going to be quite critical myself here, but their parents were a lesson in everything I did not want to do when I raised my children. Everything was about grades. Everything was about routine, meeting their expectations. And if they didn't, they would literally put their children down in front of me.

I remember once there were three children and the mother said in front of me and her three kids pointing to one of the children that he was just going to have to work harder because he was the dumb one. Literally said that in front of me in front of her child. And I was gobsmacked. Honestly, I wish I'd had a bit more of a spine to say something, but I was quite young at the time.

And it just literally was, it was insane to me. These kinds of hypocritical parents we know now can lead to such a shame cycle when it comes to feedback.

And there is a psychologist who explains this really, really well. Actually, I think he's a psychiatrist. His name is Dr. Barish. And he is an expert in childhood shame, guilt, criticism. And back in 2012, he wrote this amazing article to do with children who are over-criticized as children. And I'm literally just going to quote directly from his explanation because it's so spot on.

In many families, overly criticized children and hypercritical parents get stuck in a cycle. Criticism and punishment lead to anger and defiance or secretiveness and withdrawal. And that just leads to more criticism and more defiance and more withdrawal.

As these cycles escalate, parents feel increasingly justified in their criticism and the disapproval of their children, whereas the children, for their part, feel increasingly justified in their resentment and their defiance. Parents might say they never listen, the child says they just don't understand me, and they develop a poor relationship with feedback, beginning to become very sensitive to all forms of authority or all situations in which feedback is provided.

So, complex relationship, right? But again, if you are receiving a lot of criticism as a child and that's such a negative, overwhelming experience, eventually you're only ever going to see feedback and criticism as a negative and overwhelming experience. And another outcome of this is, of course, self-criticism, right?

You're probably like, oh yeah, wait, we haven't even talked about that yet. Like this is the missing piece. The reason being, and the reason I'm kind of quarantining this discussion between self-criticism and outside criticism is because we have done an episode on it before. I think it's episode 109. Why are we so hard on ourselves? So that one is more about self-criticism. You can listen to that after if that's more relevant. But yeah, it's really important to say when we feel repeatedly criticized, especially in

um from someone that we care about like a parent like a partner even like a teacher eventually we can take up that role of the critic ourselves we become the bully we become the person who will not allow anything but perfection who can be almost emotionally abusive to ourselves

As one article from 2022 explained it, when we continually receive negative social evaluations or judgment, social rejection in the form of negative feedback, that can actually become very much ingrained so that we inevitably continue

kind of project that pain onto ourselves alone we don't need someone on the outside saying oh i don't like you i don't like this you're doing this wrong you look hideous you're always going to be a failure whatever the criticism no longer comes from from outside it comes from i don't like inside the house you feel criticized enough that you become the critic i just think we have enough to deal with in this world that just we cannot take up that role

We cannot be the one who shuts ourselves down before anyone else even has the opportunity to do it. We also, I think, miss out on valuable information when we develop an aversion to criticism. You know, feedback and criticism, we're going to get into the distinction, it can actually make us better. And that's something that I think you only learn the older you get. And I've come to find that when we start to handle criticism from others more selectively and correctly...

then we actually gain a lot of truth. When we begin to be quite light in our reception of criticism, our inner critic also begins to get a lot quieter as well. So you have these dual benefits. Not only does that inner critic in your own head begin to be silenced,

you also begin to grow and your self-concept becomes more impenetrable. So it's not like every time you receive a correction or, you know, some feedback, it's like punching a hole into your self-concept.

you can kind of hold it in your hands and take it for what it is. So I really want to talk through this healthy approach to criticism and how we can kind of, what's the word, kind of decide between the good stuff and the unnecessary stuff. What can be discarded from the criticism that we're receiving. We're going to talk about all of that and much, much more after this short break.

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They also have the smoothest cream formula and leave you feeling fresh for 24 hours. Check out some of their best-selling scents, Fresh Cotton and Sea Salt, Ocean Mist and Cherry Blossom. We all know that taking care of the planet means taking care of ourselves and Wild makes it so easy to swap your everyday deodorant, body wash and even lip balm for a more sustainable alternative. Their cases are

100% reusable with compostable refills meaning no more single-use plastics I have the B case for my deodorant and I just need you to go online and see how adorable it is like I never thought deodorant could be so decorative and smell this good wild is truly shaking up the throwaway culture of everyday bathroom products with refillable products that actually work

Get 20% off your order with my code POY20. Go to wearewild.com and use code POY20 at checkout for 20% off all products or head to the podcast Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast to find a direct link on my link tree. Enjoy. Your relationship with food and your body can affect every part of your life. If you're worried that your eating or exercise habits are disordered or you're struggling with your body image, you'll want to check out Equip. Equip

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If you want to break the spell that criticism has over you, you need to find the distinction between criticism and feedback. And I know I've been using those quite interchangeably and it might seem easy enough, but I think a problem with being critiqued

really begins to get out of control when we conflate the two such that, you know, even when we receive helpful tips and tricks, they become really insulting in our minds because we're on high alert because we don't know the distinction between

As annoying as it is, at some point you are going to screw up or do something wrong. And you can continue to make that mistake despite people trying to help you and correct you. And, you know, you could even jeopardize your relationship, jeopardize your job, jeopardize friendships. Or you can break the cycle and you can push back against the instinctual hostility we tend to have when we're criticized and make changes again.

I think seeing criticism as an opportunity rather than a finality, rather than something you can't move past, is quite liberating. But firstly, yes, we do need to know what we should be paying attention to versus what we can rightfully be frustrated by and upset at or just ignore. So let me give you the five essential differences between criticism and feedback.

And I want you to think about a previous case in which you have received a criticism or a piece of feedback, whether it's from a boss or a friend or a family member and see which category it falls into.

The biggest thing for me is that criticism is going to focus on what someone doesn't want you to do, but feedback is going to focus on what you can start doing. So for example, criticism might be like, well, I hate when you do that. I hate when you wear that. I hate when blah, blah, blah. Whereas feedback is like, oh, in the future, maybe you can wear more comfortable shoes. In the future, maybe we could have this discussion a different way. Future focused.

And that's the second part. Criticism is focused on the past. Criticism is focused on the future. What do we actually want to improve rather than getting really stuck in the weeds of past mistakes? Anyone who is only interested in going over and over and over the past as a way to make you feel bad isn't actually interested in seeing you grow.

Criticism is also focused on weaknesses, whereas feedback is building up strengths. So someone who gives you feedback might be like, hey, I really liked how you did it this way, but maybe you could do it better this other way. Whereas criticism is, I hated how you did that full stop. That was terrible. That was bad. And, you know, you should feel ashamed. This is your weaknesses without any room to really improve.

And that's really the fourth point here. You can see how a lot of them really bleed into each other. Criticism is, you know, quite harsh and it deflates you. It makes you feel shallow, empty, bad about yourself. Feedback, although it might present you with stuff that you don't really want to acknowledge and you might not particularly like about yourself, it does inspire you and it does aim to make you better.

Criticism says you are the problem. Feedback says we can make this better together. So that's the final distinction. Is it individual, in which case it's criticism, or is it collaborative, in which the person may also be acknowledging their mistake?

You know, I always I do think about this a lot in the work context because I think that as 20 year olds, that's where we get the most feedback. And I think about it like when your boss goes, oh, when your boss says to you, maybe I didn't communicate that as well as I should have.

And they take some of the accountability and they realize that it's a joint, mutual, collaborative affair. That is when you know you have a really good boss. And that is when you know that you have someone who isn't just out to criticize you because of insecurity, frustration, anger, without actually wanting you to get better. And that final point, again, is what really nails it for me. Yes, sometimes people will use examples from the past. They will question things that they'd like you to stop doing.

But there is no point listening to criticism about something that you cannot improve or change because it shows that the person who is telling you those things really isn't interested in letting you show them otherwise. They are interested in seeing you fail. They are interested in scolding you like a child, but you cannot improve from that environment. You know, there have been papers written on this, especially when it comes to childhood and adolescence, that children

Children who are scolded rather than given instruction for what to do differently often end up feeling more intense shame and it actually worsens the problem behavior in the first place because again, it creates an environment where they're not given an alternative. You are not given an alternative other than this failure or this mistake.

So I think the same goes for us in our 20s. You cannot become a better person through shame. You only end up policing yourself to become smaller when that's the case. And so when someone only wants to insult you or be emotional about something or take something out on you or is unrealistic, I actually don't think it's useful for you to listen to that.

So make sure you can identify the difference between feedback and criticism. Feedback is valuable, criticism is not. Now, if you are in a scenario where someone is, you can see giving them the benefit of the doubt is attempting to give you feedback, but it's sounding distinctly like criticism. I think you do have a right to correct them and ask for clarification.

And that clarification could be, what do you actually want me to do in the future? What is the room for improvement? What in the future needs to change? What actions specifically? You're allowed to ask for more information because otherwise all that happens is you're frustrated, they're frustrated. Nothing actually changes because you don't know what each other want. So that is my second biggest tip for handling criticism is

is to actually look for actionable things that you can do and articulate to the person who is providing you with feedback why that's going to be important for you to know. Why, you know, maybe you don't have to say this component, but why, you know, the criticism is unhelpful, the feedback is helpful. The third component to dealing with criticism is really to try and detach and segment your reaction.

Here's kind of what I mean by this. You are going to have two reactions with anything. The instinctual immediate reaction, which is often based in fear. It's based in insecurity and defensiveness. And then you wait 10 minutes, you wait half an hour, you wait an hour and that smoke begins to fade.

And what is revealed is your true feelings. Your second reaction is the one that you can trust, because in that time, your rational mind kind of switches back on. And now there is space and there is distance for you to be heard and for that part of your brain to be heard. And often that's when you realize that this logical, often humble voice is the right one to listen to.

The problem in my mind occurs, and I've definitely, definitely found myself in this situation when your illogical, instinctual reaction has been allowed to dominate and has been allowed free reign. And often that means that you jump the gun. You know, you bite back. You are dismissive. You are angry. And later on, you wish that you'd held your tongue.

Sometimes I think that I have a lot of grace for people who go through that. Sometimes it's unavoidable, you are only human, but it can leave you worse off, especially when it becomes a habit. So my advice for overcoming this is to recognize that our reactions are often what hurt us more than the criticism itself.

And to actually have a system in place for how you're going to respond in those situations that can override your instinctual reaction. So this may be a series of strategies around staying silent.

noting to the person that you're happy to discuss, but you are going to take time to respond and to think and you're not going to do so immediately. I also really recommend go for a walk immediately after, not with your phone, unless you want to call someone that you trust. And maybe that's actually better advice. You know, you need your phone to call someone, but you should get out of the house. You should detach from the situation physically and

In order to get the emotional distance as well. Jump on the phone with someone you trust and talk about it. Talk about it. Because when we stew, when we isolate, when we ruminate. That often prolongs our negative reaction to criticism.

And it results in less improvement overall. So you do need to get out of your mind. You need to get out of that space. You need to get out of the repetitive thinking and either discuss it or think through it in a productive way with someone that you trust, calm down for a second and then return. I hear all these stories all the time of people who are criticized or given feedback and

and just go into a fury, do things that they regret and ruin their...

their lives you know where we see it a lot is with road rage that is like a prime example like it's not just frustration it's our ego and it's our aversion to feedback to the honk of the horn to like you know the person getting frustrated with us and people do the dumbest things trying to protect their egos and trying to assume that they are right

We aren't going to be those people. I'm sorry to say it. Hopefully that's not disappointing. But I do think that emotions have a beautiful place. They don't have a place when it comes to rash decision making, especially of this nature. So it is okay to take some time and to segment those reactions. Identify the first reaction and then wait for the second reaction.

Often as well, this is the time when you actually see that this feedback is actually an opportunity, not a threat. I also find that projecting almost a happy front to feedback makes it an easier pill to swallow. Feeling threatened by criticism is a passive response.

It is a natural response. It's the instinctual response, right? But being open, being almost like artificially welcome to it, almost cheery, that is an active response. And it brings back a sense of control. Like, yes, I'm opting into this conversation. I'm excited to learn. I'm the one who wants the feedback.

Can you see how that's a bit of a mindset shift away from this very dark, hostile, aversion, avoidance to criticism? So accept it graciously, recognize what's feedback, what's criticism, ask for the specifics so that you can actually improve, detach and be honest with yourself about whether you're going to be better off or worse off integrating what they've suggested.

You can't just shut down anything that's not praise because then you couldn't live in this society. And you're missing out on so much that is of value. People do know more than us. People do notice things that we don't. So there is a knowledge there. There is a truth there. There is information there that is kind of a gift at times. The final element of this that is worth exploring that we've touched on a little bit is

is really beginning to have a clear understanding of who deserves to give you feedback because there is an important difference between someone who loves you or who wants you to excel or who should be giving you instruction and you know for lack of a better word a hater.

This is something I manage a lot being someone who, I hate saying this, but I don't know, but who has an online presence, right? I have a job that is based on the internet and it's something that people ask me a lot about when they find out that part of my job is making content or when a video goes viral or whatnot.

They will always ask, like, how do you deal with the criticism? How do you deal with the hate? Because you are going to get a lot of nastiness for the smallest things from very insecure people who I assume just get some kind of weird pleasure from being cruel or they want to make others feel the way that they've been made to feel in their lives. Maybe it's a little bit less lonely knowing that someone else is going through it.

If you want a really interesting study about this, there is one that is quite well known from 2014. And it basically looked at the interaction between trolling, cyberbullying and personality. And it found that amongst their 300 or so participants, mostly young people in their 20s, those who were like more likely to engage in hateful behavior online. And when we're talking like hateful in terms of like racism or sexism or homophobia, more so like

just trolling and just saying cruel, stupid things. The people who are more likely to do that have a low self-esteem, some of the lowest that they were seeing in this cohort. But they also had really high levels of sadism. They enjoyed hurting others. So not the nicest people in the world, definitely not those who we should trust to give us feedback. But yes, like you get trolls and you will get people who don't understand you.

And I went through this period around May last year. Oh, this year, actually. Wow. Time flies. But where I was just getting a lot of new followers and new engagement and new listeners. And it felt like every hour someone had an opinion that wasn't particularly nice. Some of them were really superficial and they were based on appearance. Like, you need to fix your smile, fix your clothes, fix your skin, lose some weight. Which was just like, oh my gosh, I'm going to be busy if I've got to do all those things. But yeah.

But then there were others like, you know, I don't like that you didn't include this perspective. I don't like that your microphone wasn't loud enough. I don't like the ads. And it was important for me to see that there is a distinction there. There was people who were like, no, I'm genuinely trying to be helpful.

And then there are people like this woman who literally... This sticks in my mind. This woman was like, oh, I think you're money hungry and greedy. And that sticks in my mind. That person is not trying to be helpful. She's giving me an opinion on my character, not knowing me. And so the really valuable thing that I took away from this was... A, you have to be able to distinguish again the feedback and the criticism. But B, you actually just don't have to listen to everyone. And in fact, I don't think that you should...

Because when you become a sponge for everything said about you, you begin to take on the behaviors, the opinions, the judgments, the expectations of others. You become a reflection of what others don't want you to be rather than who you want to be. So here is my final reminder amongst this discussion, amongst our need to accept criticism and

You have to remember that the only person whose opinion matters the most is yours. After that, you know, family and friends do come into it. I think you should listen to about 85 to 90% of what they have to say. Then, of course, there are people who you're dependent on, like your boss.

your co-workers, your landlords maybe, people that you respect who don't know you very well like a professor, maybe even a casual mentor and then at the bottom of the food chain, at the bottom of the ladder are people who don't care about you, who don't know you, who are strangers, who are internet trolls, who are acquaintances, someone you met at a party once or twice. Those people, the feedback they give you, I think is

is rarely helpful if it's cruel in nature. And as much as we are trying to keep an open mind and we want to grow through what we're going through, we want to grow from what people have to say, this is my rule of thumb. If you wouldn't let this person sit at your dinner table, if you wouldn't welcome them into your house, if you wouldn't ask them for their advice, don't take their criticism.

You are going to be doing yourself a huge favor. You cannot let unnecessary judgments take over your mind because it's like a virus. It's like a sickness. So truly, if you are placing too much value on the opinions of others who do not care about you, who will never care about you, you end up having firstly less room to hear your own inner voice, but also less space to actually hear from those who care about you.

Because the loudest voice in the room is sometimes going to be the meanest. And that is going to be the person who actually isn't trying to help you. It's important that you know the difference. And that you actually have space mentally, cognitively, socially to flourish without the shame, the embarrassment, the insecurity of listening to what every person on the street has to say. Because I don't think those are fertile soils from which to grow. So...

In summary, when we're talking about how to handle criticism, I do want you to truly commit to seeing feedback as a good thing. Don't try and fight against it. But also do be aware of when, you know, judgments are unusual or cruel or when, again, they're just not actionable because I don't think that person is actually committed to your growth and to your success.

There are definitely questions you should ask yourself when it comes to whether this person is someone I respect enough to listen to, whether they are actually here to be constructive or whether they're not. And you do have to kind of answer those questions for yourself. But if you can also try and find a way to segment your reaction and find a way to emotionally regulate and process criticism before it overrules the rational, logical part of your brain, then

I think that is also an amazing, amazing tool. Detach from the situation, find your calm place, detach from the situation physically and then return because criticism is harsh. It does feel like rejection. It does feel naturally threatening. So if you are someone who is struggling with taking things on board, really do get in the habit of practicing how to

disconnect and remove yourself from the emotional component of a scenario like this one. I really do hope that you have enjoyed this episode. I think that is all that I have time for today. I've been rambling. I've been rambling about criticism about internet trolls. What's new? I love to talk about it. I love to just like, you know, put some flourishes of that in there. And I do just want you to know, like, it's okay to not, it's okay to not want to accept the

The things that people say to you that sometimes feel harsh. So if it's something that you're trying to adapt to, you have taken an amazing first step. And I really do wish you the best of luck, whatever environment this is in.

If you want a follow up to this episode, if there is something else around this that we have not discussed that you think people should know, please feel free to reach out to me at That Psychology Podcast. We are always taking episode suggestions all the time, all hours of the day. So if there is a topic you want to hear, please, again, we would love to hear from you.

make sure that you are following along on apple podcasts or spotify and leave us a five-star review it would really make our day wherever you are listening we read them all and we appreciate them all i'm saying we it's just me i appreciate them all i love them all and again thank you for listening until next time stay safe stay kind please be gentle with yourself and we will talk very very soon

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