How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy
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Hey, my friend, male and welcome to the male Robin's broadcast. Are you ever just gone about your day and then add, nowhere comes this thought and it's not just that. It's like this thought.

Just get stuck in your head and then you get the sinking feeling in your gut and you start to fill yourself brace. It's like your paralyzed, you feel in your body, you feel in your mind. And next thing you know, your spiralling that thread.

And I know you've been reading a lot lately because you've been writing in and telling me about your dread over the election. Well, it's Normal to fill yourself brace in these moments of uncertainty. IT doesn't have to be that way.

You don't have to live like that. And today you and I onta stare down that dread that you may be feeling, the thing that you may be bracing for. I'm gonna dissolve IT with three big takeaway.

These are simple tools you can apply in your life right now. Whenever you feel yourself brace. I know there's a lot happening and there is a lot on your shoulders right now.

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Each your friend male, and I am so excited that you are here with me. IT is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And if your brand knew, I just want to take a moment and welcome mute to mala s podcast family and thrilled that you're here.

And I know that you're the kind of person who values your time and you're interested in learning about simple ways you can improve your life. And I love that you chose this episode because we're going to talk about a topic that feels heavy, but we're going to pack IT in a way that is gonna so empowering. And I wanted to talk about the topic of dread for a number of reasons.

And the first reason is because here in the united states, there are two things going on the people are getting. One is the fact, that is, the time of year will return the clocks back. And so IT is literally dark at four o'clock in the afternoon, as this for I live, and people dread this.

The other thing that's going on right now is where in the middle of a very contentious election, and I gotten just say right off the bat, we are not another political conversation today. This show is a respect from all detention and politics and scary news that's going on globally. But all of these things with that, you're listening in the or you're listening in a country where there's contentious politics or your torn apart by war or there's something going on in your family.

We all have experiences where there are things going on outside of us that feel way beyond our control. And in those moments in life, whether it's winter coming, whether it's something extremely important like an election, and how it's going to impact people and their rights and what's gna happen and how IT impacts the economy at a national global level, these are really important niches. Maybe you have somebody in your family that's gotten a health diagnosis or you have or maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with somebody mabe you're breaking up with somebody.

Maybe you need to talk somebody about they're drinking. Are you worried about him? Maybe you need to give somebody feedback at work. We have a huge test, your presentation coming up and you're bracing and you're dreading IT. I wanted talk about this experience that is extremely Normal and IT happens more in your day than you realize IT, which is bracing and dreading something that is happening around you, whether it's global, whether it's national, whether it's citizen al, whether it's in your family, whether it's at work, whether it's in your love life. Have you might just be the fact that you send a text to somebody a couple days ago and they haven't responded?

I had this experience recently that made me think about this because my human and I went away, and we is the first trip we've taken together where we've gone away for more than a long weekend, no kids, no friends, no kind of work to do while we're traveling, no family to visit. First time Christina gone away for more than three days, a long weekend in twenty eight years. But the last time we did this, we were going on a honeywell.

And so we go away and, you know, we went some more spectacular. We went all the way to bali. And IT sounds so sexy and I was absolutely amazing. It's a place of always to go.

And one of the great things about traveling for work for so long as I have a bug in airline points, like that's the only good thing about traveling for work. And so we go all the way to indonesia. We have this fantastic time where we do nothing.

We run a scooter, were driving around in the jungle. We are doing yoga classes, were reconnecting. Turns out I really like Chris.

I can know after thirty years ago, we really like each other and really excited now about all the time that we can spend together. So we're flying back and we have to take two flights. This is like a twenty six hour trip.

And i'm just talking the amount time we have to spend in planes. So we fly from indonesia to dubai and these planes, i'm like a kid on this, but these are the biggest planes I have ever seen in my entire life. I had never been on a plane that's a double decker.

I didn't know there were planes that have staircases. I be that's unbelievable. And so we get onto the plane, and like both planes, both ways are double decks. Like it's literally like walking into a shopping mall that lifts off the ground and flies.

Like IT is just fantastical to me that human beings have figured out how to take something that big and get IT off the ground and keep IT in the air for that. What I mean is just mind blowing. So i'm just super excited, right? And i'm not a nervous flying at all.

I've flown so much. I've gotten ten over my fear of flying. And so we are on the fourth flight.

We've got indonesia. We have had our amazing trip. We have flown the first leg back.

We change planes in dubai. I know we have tons of fans that listen to the showing dubai. So hi, lot of you set allow in the airport through about indonesia too.

Lots of fans. So, so fun to meet you guys. We are on the final flight home.

I am so excited. We are three hours out from landing A, J, F, K. We are on the double decor.

Like I thought like this is so fun, Chris, next to me. And the cool thing about a plane in this big, these suckers don't move. Like, this is like flying on a stick of button.

I mean, this sucker is cutting through the air. There is no bounce. There's no nothing.

There's nothing. So we are over iceland. Hello to our fans in iceland and all of the sun, the plane starts.

But like it's like you're on a boat, you got a light shop, right? Not a big deal. This is to feel like you got rollers come on.

So it's now like at this sensation. This seems the size of a shopping mall. I mean, this is a big object for IT to be go and up and down rollers in the sky.

And that's one trick that I use when they're turbulences. I just close my yes. And I think about being on about chop the water shop here all son, the captain is like, can please check your sheet, check your, please check your sheet.

And there's a and I like one of these people that type per visions I like, is that alarm in their voice? I'm detecting A A little bit nervous when that happens. I start looking for for cues and i'm looking as the attendants are racing down the IOS for hints of nervousness.

Are they concerned? Do they look scared? And there was definitely, you know how like when if you've ever value parked your job, your car, and you come out to get that and there's the valley job where they sort of thought to get the car, they're not like running this was faster than a valley trut.

So little bit of speed in there. And I like, okay, slightly concerned. I okay. Because why are you slightly concerned that we've gone from light shop to this shopping mall in the sky is now starting to go up and down?

I wanted tell you, this is the worst turbulence of everyone in of my life. This plan and this soccer er is huge, is literally swinging left right through there. It's not even going up and down. It's like you can see IT swirl ling, and this is when I realized, oh my gosh, hellner the hurricane. This is probably all that wind.

Now, the worst part of this, other than the fact that witness happens and you feel like the trace bouncing and people's luggage bouncing ing, and the planes kind of going through like weird things, shapes and stuff, the pilots are not saying anything. And I would just like to make a public service announcement to every airline and every pilot who may be listening and every pilot in your life. Please send this to the pilots in your life and to the people that work at the airlines.

Could you please train pilots to just give us a heads up because, you know, this is coming. And if you simply just said, hey, everybody just want to let you know we're about three hours out from jfk and due to the you know, hillner, we got some strong winds and I think we're going to go through some a pretty significant shop and rock for the next two of twenty five minutes. You could just strap in, and for the safety, like in a calm, smooth village voice, I would have no problem.

I put my headphones on. okay? You've told me the time. I don't have to worry about this. I now know with a certain level of certainty that we will survive.

The pilots know this is coming and the pilots are actually in control and they're warring us about this. But when this stuff is and there's that and there's that nervousness, literally, I need to be wearing a dip at that point. Like I am like like what is happening.

And if you ever noticed that the second that they make that announcement, you're like, I now need to go the bathroom, but now I can't get out of my sea and I am trapped with my batter. And the fact that I have to have the right because I literally feel like i'm about to die and that's exactly what happened. I I didn't pop myself, but I I started bracing.

And the worst, the turbulent Scott. And the more time that went, the more I just went south in my head. This suckers going down.

I am never going to see my children again. Why do we go to indonesia in the first place? We didn't need to take a vacation. I should have say, like, i'm never going to see my daughters wedding or meet my grandchildren. I'm never gonna black. I just literally just go south and i'm in full on brace mode and the interesting thing is my husband's s been meditating for fifteen years.

The man was sitting there like a who is statue with his eyes closed and his hands in a moda as i'm having a full blown brace, i'm about to die moment in icy, which goes to show you something you can choose, how you respond to the things that are happening around you. Chris was not allowing himself to get concerned. I, on the other hand, was spiraling and in a state of bracing dread and just like, oh, my gosh.

And the thing that's interesting about this is i'm a very pragmatic and rational person, very logical person, even i'm super emotional. I could think in my head OK this has been out just the talents and or the winds from the hrc, ane. And the likelihood is ex.

But I can't grasp those rational thoughts when I allow the thread in the brace to take over because i'm now convincing myself about to die. And the fact is that there is nothing I can do to change what's about to happen. I can't fly a plane. I can't changed whether I can change with the pilots.

We're gonna the only thing I have control over in that moment when I brace and bread and fear takeover is what I can do and how I feel and what I allow myself to think about and what I do in that moment and see crease so calm made me go, okay, let's just take a deep breath. And one of the first things that I did, because this is one of the things i've learned over and over and over again, not only the work that I do with all of the people that we talk with on the podcast, is that there are approaches in situations where there's a lot of uncertainty. And again, if we go back to the broader topic, i've just uncertainty around you and what you can control and what you can control.

And even when everything is major high stakes, like a very big election or a country turn apart by war or a wedding that you need to call off, or a diagnoses or funeral, even in those situations, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. And what I have found in my life is that I am very easily hydrant. I brace, like I can slam on the brakes and hit the bracing and do the alarm is Better than I, but lights like, let's go.

But IT doesn't help me. In fact, he hurts me. And the worry that consumes me and the death spiral of the thoughts and the racing heart and the stress and the bracing and the whole mechanism, that is your mind.

And then from the neck down your body IT actually hurts you in those moments. And that's what I found over and over and over again. I have avoided breaking up with people for over a year because I couldn't not move through the read.

I have avoided getting out of bed at the worst moments of my life because I couldn't through the thread. The dread is not the problem is that you allow IT to consume you. And I I want to talk about the fact that there's another way to meet these moments.

And what happened on that plane is I tortured myself for probably ten minutes, and I death ripped Chris hand. So like my wet, sly me sweating. Now i'm grabbing the poor man.

And I like, basically, not only if I like snapp ed amount of his moderately and his his meditation state, but i'm almost most like breaking the digits on his hand as i'm gripping IT. He kind of stabs out of nothing like I really scared and he's like, let's breathe. And so he did this technique with me.

You may know IT, it's box breathing. It's just a simple technique. I even know this.

And here's the thing, when you start racing and when you dread something, what we're going to talk about today is that your physiology, your neurology, your psychology, everything that you know, and you can access your tools, but the tools work box, breathing is for breast and hold IT for breath. Breathe out for for breast, hold IT for for breasts. But IT, that's all that is. Four, four, four, four is a box. So is like.

And I started counting one, two, three, four old, one, two, three, four out, one, two, three, four old, one, two, three. And so we get into this rythm. And the thing about box breathing is IT signals to your body that you're okay because you're slowing your breathing and when you're bracing what you'll notice and if you've ever had to break up with somebody that walk up to their apartment or up to the public caffe that you're meeting them at because you know you don't want to be alone when they explode IT you and you want to be able to get out there after you've had the conversation and said what you need to said you you to go you don't want to be trapped were there um that walk up oh man.

You don't even breathe on the way there because you're bracing walking into a hospital to have a procedure, you're bracing turbulence on a plane, a bracing, waiting for election results, bracing, waiting for winter to calm, bracing. Very Normal experience. But i'm here to tell you and teach you what you can do in moments when he feels like the world despite rolling out of control or your family is or your heart is and your red what you need to face and you're scared about how things we're onna turn out or you're avoiding IT because you don't want to have to face IT.

There's another way, there's a Better way. And there are simple tools we're onna teach you today that I use when I can remember him and that you can use because i'll tell you what happened with the plain. Nothing like the captain, uh, came on and you know, he started talking and and the cocaine came on and he started talking.

And really like a sorry about that, like super casual, like what i've been sitting here, literally i've got i've got a movie in my mind that you guys are freaking out and you're so busy touching all the dials up there. They get no time to make an announcement for the Normal people back here who are literally freaking out and planning their funerals and texting everybody that they love. I love you, I think, which I did.

I send the I love you chat in the family. I'm so proud of all of you didn't want to worry them by saying I think the plane is going to go down like you don't want to do that, right? So i've got this like whole story in my mind that wasn't true.

They're just up their bouncing right in the waves and doing, I don't know what they're like sorry about that we're looking for and next, you know, we got ten more minutes. I'm good with that. I let go of Christ's hands and it's like crumbled up now because i've been like death ripping IT like iron man.

He goes back to the motors and the meditating. And I put my headphones on, and I start listening to my book again. And that's how quickly you can settle yourself if you understand the wave that comes and you understand that you have control and you understand how to settle your body, and then you pay attention to the input that you need so that you can read, direct your own thoughts.

Yes, you will be hydrant. No, you do not have to stay there. And in fact, I don't want you to because you bracing doesn't help that actually hurt you and you have more power when you learn how to settle into these moments and stay present and come and focus on what's within your reach and what isn't.

And that's exactly what are ongoing to talk about today. So don't you go anywhere because I want to hear a short word for responsbility. And when we come back, i'm going to introduce you to my colleague, fill and we are onna unpack this incredibly interesting, an important and deep topic about dread.

And i'm also really excited because at the very end, we are going to answer some of your questions. Our inbox has been filled with questions from you around the world about the things that you are reading. And it's one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this, not just what's happening here in the united states.

I wanted to talk about this because this is happening in your own lives around the world. And so at the end, we're gona dive into some of the top themes and questions that we're seeing from you at melrose in stock com flash podcast, which is where you can submit your questions. So let's hear a word from our sponsors.

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If you get a post purchase survey, say you heard about cozy earth from the male podcast. Welcome back, friend. Male, I am so glad that you're hear with me today because you and are going to unpack this topic of dread. And I wanted to talk about IT because of just kind of the I know just like the emotions that are happening in the us.

Right now, but also because of what you are writing in about and what's happening around the world and the things that everybody dreads, from the little things like getting out of bed in the morning to the big things like a big diagnosis or the state of politics in the country that you live in, like there are so many things that make you brace in life. And so we are talking about this as a team. And there's a new member of our team named phil, who has joined us as a producer.

And he started sharing a story about something that had happened in his life, that was personal, that related to dread. And so I was like, phil, how about you hop on the mike with me to my our morning? Let's talk about this and is like, game on. Let's go. And so fill, welcome to them about this forecast.

Thank you with an hour, mal.

So fill, I would love to start with, why don't you just kind of share the story about what's going on in your life that had you feeling the sense of thread?

sure. So you know, my father, a very stolid guy, doesn't kind of tell you when he's having a problem, just gets on with a day. But he started to take a turn in his health, wasn't feeling very good.

And eventually we got an answer, and the answer was he was diagnosed with cancer. This was about a months ago. Now the doctor told him it's very treatable and immediately allowed any dread he had in the moment about that just by giving in the facts. But then he said, let's do a pet scan just to make sure IT hasn't .

spread okay.

that's like three weeks away. You don't go right into the hospital and get the pets can you're on the less you way.

Okay ay, so now let's go to that moment like what happens for you fill when, okay, your dad gets a cancer diagnosis, everybody tenses up and starts bracing. Okay, now it's a treatable cancer. Now were relaxed. Now we're back into the pet scan. Like what what happens for you and dread .

hits you right so well in that moment, the diagnosis to begin with your brain immediately goes to the worst case scenario. Yes, this is IT. It's going to be horrible, all of that stuff.

But I try to take control very quickly of that by saying, you know what, I have no control over that. He doesn't have control over that. But lets see what we can control, right? And what's that is paying attention to your doctor.

It's shutting out the noise from what the medical site say online. It's maybe not even listening to your friends who are well intention but might be leading you down the wrong path vice. It's focusing on the parts of your health that you know you can control eating right, going for a walk, meditating, and that's all you can do.

That's true. So when they said pets can and now you got three weeks of the unknown, what happens for you and you feel yourself dreading.

well, I go back to that place where I was initially. I go back to that read of, oh my gosh, this is going to be horrible. It's gonna the worst news ever.

And it's just like training a muscle. I very quickly try to take myself out of that and go back to what can we control. And it's the same things. You know, now's changed between the diagnosis and the pet scan. It's take care of yourself and we'll see what .

happens and what happened.

Well, the results came back and the cancer has not spread.

and that's fantastic news is huge. But what did you notice when you got that news?

My shoulders dropped. I took a deep breath. I was here at the studio. I was in the elevator going downstairs. I got the text from mom.

That's a beautiful visual. Because I also see, as an elevators going down, I see your shoulders dropping and the bracing dropping and the kind of x sale. Because even when we try to rationalize these things and focus on other things, our body still braces, right? And so there are two tools that I think are just we're going to keep coming back to and i'm going to keep reminding you as you're listening, there is the tools that fill is talking about where you are reminding yourself to focus on what you can control.

And then there are the tools that are from the neck down, which is learning how to drop into your body and calm your body state from one of bracing. I think it's really interesting that you're using all the intellectual tools to keep your mind focused on what you can control, which certainly helps. But at the same time, your body is still in a race mode, whether you realize IT or not. And that's where the second tools come in of understanding that this is both head and body and learning how to use even just the breathing technique that I described when I was on the plane of breathing in for four seconds, holding IT for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, holding IT for first, second step box, breathing signals to my body that we're okay, even though I was terrified the plane was gone to go down. IT just allows that elevator in your nervous system to slowly lower so you're not subconsciously breaking.

Leave IT to you to find the perfect metaphor in you were the one .

of the elevator dude yeah but .

I hadn't even made the connection and that such a beautiful way to put IT um and and you know the doors open, locked outside IT was a nice Sunny day and IT was like being in a new reality see.

I think that is a beautiful piece to the story fell because that is what's available. Even though I was in that plane, and for probably tend to fifteen minutes, I was swirling in my head, imagining my funeral, imagining the fire rip. And I get really dark.

I'm like, okay, is this thing exploding? Is this gonna a ten minute free fall? You know, my husband is very stoic, like you. And so as I turned to him and I, I complex, cared, and then he held my hand, which helps.

And this before the box breathing and like, I rely scared, were going to go down and literally turns from you, like what you'll be unconscious at the last ten seconds. And like what he went with with this is your way to relax. Now my ears are up on top of my head now, i'm like, readily bracing for this.

But IT was win the box, breathing for in hold, IT for out hold, IT hold increases hand. And then starting to visualize truly that things were gonna OK. And visualize a the open doors, the Sunny day, a future state that allowed me to drop in to that moment.

I'll try that. The plane kept bouncing and swinging and doing all these crazy things. But I was in a physical state film, just like you were when the doors opened on the elevator and you walked out to a Sunny day.

And I think that's a thousand percent what's available to you in any situation where you feel like things happening around you are out of your control, studying yourself and your physical body and trying your best to focus your mind on things you can control and done an optimistic outlook because, you know what, if IT does work out, we're so quick to jump to the negatives. Like i'm thinking about dying on a plane. You're thinking about your dad.

What is IT about our parents? By the way, I just have to take some thinking about my father. He had this, a situation where he passed out on a golf force.

My parents, they didn't tell me, and my brother, they going get a checked out because I worried about vertical. And they have an incidental finding where the guy has an intact aneurism. And now they're going to university of michigan to do this massive brain surgery.

They're gonna literally take the top of the dog and off. And it's amazing what what doctors can do and literally clap an aneurysm before IT explodes and kells m. And then they're going to put the log in back on and staple IT all together.

So my parents are going through this film for two weeks and then they pick up the phone and they are like, what? We got something to tell you. We didn't want to tell you to. We to, we knew for sure, but dad needs brain surgery, and he has an annuals that could explode at any moment, like what you can live events for two weeks.

The the line from parents, soft. So we didn't want you to worry. Yes, as if you're not gna worry about you do find out.

yes. And then be mad. That didn't tell me.

And I am really bracing because now the sounds really terrible, but I can see both sides. I don't know. I think that's a common experience.

Just a quote I found from dali lama, who was a smart person just talking about how from.

right, right. So I love this quote from the dali lama. If a problem is fixed ble, if a situation is such that you can do something about IT, then there is no need to hurry. If it's not fixed ble, then there is no help and worrying, there is no benefit and worrying whatsoever.

And that's actually true because unless you're worrying about IT so that you can solve the problem and come up with solutions, worrying doesn't fix anything, is just really frustrates you and stresses you out and keeps you stressed. And there's a study from coral that found that eighty five percent of the things that people worry about actually never come to pass. And of the remaining check, I think this is the even more important thing.

So if you think about the fact that eighty five percent of the stuff that you worry about, that you probably then start dreading, right, never even happen. So what a dragani c waste of time and energy. What a sad thing to do to yourself in your life.

But here, I think, is the even more important thing to lean into because I know you might be listening and you might go, yeah, but fifteen percent things do come true. Male, so what about what you know? How do I know with the thing that i'm worrying about is actually the fifteen percent that come true or the eighty five percent that don't?

Well, here's what I want to tell you of the remaining fifteen percent i'll give you this, that actually come true, that you're worried about. Seventy eight percent of people find that the thing that you were worried about that chAllenge is easier to handle than you expected and that you learn something valuable from IT. That's incredible, which means the worrying actually didn't help you with that anyway.

And so the things that actually happened, the majority of them, you don't even need to be worrying about because it's easier. Then you think, and you're gona learn something from that anyway. And so if you can face uncertainty in these moments, not with bracing and thread, but with the ability to go, okay, i'm gonna able to handle this, and i'm going to learn something about this, then you are able to show up differently and focus on the things you can control, what you think, what you say, what you do. And that's prety cool, really cool.

What if IT all works out?

What if IT all works out?

And no matter what he does, because worst case scenario are gonna, you're going to learn something true. That's an awesome way to .

to look at things. And so I feel like that's a tool to the next time that you feel a situation coming up and you feel yourself dreading IT embracing, you've already presumed is going horrible, which means you're gna get hydrant and you're gonna gn your thoughts and actions and feelings with IT going horrible.

And the truth is it's always just uncertain and that creates an opportunity for you to learn this incredible scale of living with uncertainty and coaching yourself through these moments by saying, well, if, if, if we're uncertain how it's gona go and how could I know at the funeral? Hasn't happened yet. We don't know the diagnosis yet.

We haven't had the break of conversation yet. I haven't done the presentation yet. I don't need to dread this, but I can create room for uncertainty, as I said here on this plan.

Or is I prepare for this presentation or as I walk to that person's apartment, knowing that I need to sit them down and tell them that this isn't working, if I can keep myself and uncertainty, that I can keep myself in the space of, what if this all works out? What if this is, even if it's bad, IT works out. Even if this is uncomfortable, IT works out. You stay there. And now you're building this extraordinary skill that we all need in life of navigating these moments and instead of bracing and assuming the worst and just like hy jack and get actually staying steady, wow, that's a really good insight.

That sounds to me like when you do let dread take over. Are you almost manifesting things going wrong?

It's bigger than manifesting. Now it's a good word. This is a super interesting topic.

So there's a couple things happening when dread takes over because dread is literally anticipating the worst and when you start to focus on the negative, IT triggers you to go from a state where are really present to the alarm system in your body going to fight flight or freeze. This is evolutionary. This is hardwired in you.

IT is a defense mechanism that actually protects you. And IT keeps you, in many ways, alive. And I can tell you right now, like if the fire alarm went off right now in this building and we smell smoke, the fire alarm inside your body and my body, body would also go off, fight, flight, freeze, like, run, right? And we would literally run out of this place.

And if we were running out of this place, there is no way you and I could do a math problem at the same gun because your body's wiring takes over to keep you safe. And that's why this is kind of bigger than manifesting. It's actually hardwiring in your body.

There is something that uh, a lot of experts have come on the show or if you're interested neuroscience to talk about this negativity bias in your mind. Your mind is wired to magnify things that are negative or things that are scary or things that could go wrong as a attempt to try to protect you and to keep you safe. I have work on a, on a hike.

Your mind is likely to spot the rattle snake over there because it's dangerous versus the leaf is turning orange, which is beautiful. Because if your brain can see the rattle, snake IT can keep you away from IT. And that's a good thing, except for when you start to feel the sense of dread and bracing and being in this mode all the time, where all you can do is think about what could go wrong or beat yourself up.

And so what happens is you don't just manifest the negative. You put yourself into a mental, physical and spiritual space that is very negative, and that overrides your ability to think, to problems solve, to become, to be present and back to your word, manifesting. Because you're in a negative state, and because your energy is bad, and because you can actually tap into your thinking and because you're now spiralling, you actually do create more bad.

Because you're living in this mindset that everything is falling apart and you also can't take the proactive steps to make things Better. And so yes, it's partially just the hardwiring. And I do think that when you get hy jacks like that, you attract more negativity.

You cause more negativity because you can meet the moment. And the truth is, if you recognize what's happening in the moment, you can absolutely train yourself to go, oh, this is what mal was talking about with fl. This is that moment of dread.

This is where my shoulders are going up. This is where I feel myself progressing comes, i'm stressed. I don't have to do this.

I can settle myself with breathing in, for for holding IT, breathing out, holding IT. I can just do the box breathing. I can tell myself what if everything works out.

I can remind myself there are things I can focus on there within my control. I can remind myself that if I get a good nigh sleep, instead of drinking entire bottle of gin right now, because i'm nervous that probably helped me. I can remind myself that even though i'm stressed out, I can prepare for the speech.

I can eat a healthy dinner, which is going to help me in the thing I need to do tomorrow. I can remind myself that even though i'm terrified of the conversation, that i'm dreading, that i'm going to get through this. And this is important to break up and do what I need to do, even though it's going to hurt somebody or they're gonna disappointed.

And i'm drawing this. And so that one thousand percent is why this matter so much. IT doesn't change the orrible ble thing. Like, I think a lot about the moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friends funeral.

You know, any time you go to a funeral, you read IT like, as for something you don't want to have to do. And in this particular case, IT was also somebody who had died by suicide and was a very, very close friend of ours. And he was like the second father to our daughter and IT just was horrific.

The of. And I remember just bracing and feeling like I don't want to do this. I don't like this can't be what's happening.

and. I ended up just sitting down and settling myself. I I remember IT like IT was yesterday, and this was probably godless fourteen years ago. I remember I didn't have a Brown on yet.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my pants on, and my shoes were on the floor, and I just SAT there, and I put my hand in my heart and I said, it's gonna OK. You can get through this. You need to be present for his kids and his family, and you need to be present for your kids and your husband because they love them too.

And getting into this mode where you melt, leave your body and you're not present for this celebration and mourning of this person that so many people love. That's not the way you want to show up right now, even though this this shit really hard. And so I remember just conciousness I don't know, I don't think I knew about box breathing back then, but I just kind of instinctive ally put my hand in my heart and just said, we're going to get through this like no matter what happens today, we're onna get through this.

And I want to be present for his kids and I want to be present for him, and I want to be present for my kids and my daughter in particular, and just settling yourself and reminding yourself that even though you don't want to go through this, you are stronger than this moment and being present for IT and moving through IT in a way where you are connected to yourself. And you are reminding yourself that you are going to be OK and that you're not going to go through this alone and to just keep showing up and to believe that's how I settled myself and got through that woman, because had I allowed all of that to consume me, I probably wouldn't remember anything about that day or anything about that moment. And IT was an absolutely breathtaking celebration of him and I remember every single detail and I was able to show up you know for my daughter in a way um that I wouldn't been able to if I had been just dreading IT. And so I think there are these moments where you're deeply scared, like I was on the plane or maybe your dad was when he got the diagnosis, or my dad and mom war when they got his diagnosis, where you nurture yourself. And then there are these moments where you need to rise above this thread because you actually have to shop for someone .

else no matter what. I feel like IT builds resilience and your tip to show up. Tip, give yourself that, that courage, that trust that you can make .

IT through.

You look back on that service for your friend now, it'll never not hurt to have lost him, but how do you feel knowing that you were fully there for one of the most difficult moments?

嗯。 I'm definitely really proud of myself, like I I think I would have been. You know, this is a weird thing.

I think you need to do what you need to do. But IT IT would have been really self I should be to allow my own upset to consume me. And everybody needs to mourn the way that they need tomorrow.

But I also often times, at least when I think about my own past, there are a lot of things that I allowed get to me, that I kind of feel like we're mine to be upset about. This was one. But you are capable of rising above these moments.

You are capable of showing up in ways for other people that really matter. You are capable of docketing sucked into drama. And you are certainly capable of recognizing when in life you're in control and when you're not and what you're in control of and what you're not.

I love this. This feels like a great moment to hit the pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share if your words with you, please also share this with somebody that you love, because this is part of the hardwiring of human beings. But IT doesn't have to control your life or run your day to day.

And for too many people, especially based on what I am seeing in the in box from those of you listening to the show, this is something that is dominating your data day life, this feeling embracing. And so share this with people they care about and don't go anywhere because filling, I are going to be waiting for you after a short break. And a little bit later, we are going to beginning to your questions.

And I know you're going to see yourself in the people that you love in the questions and in the answers, and you're going to want to hear IT to stay with us. I'll be right back. Did you know that if you shave, one third of what you remove is skin? what? I had no idea.

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Honestly, it's sucks. All I wanted to is forget about IT. But my gosh, it's like the reminders are everywhere.

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We are unpacking this topic of dread and giving you very simple tools to help you take control of what you can control in those moments in life. Or you feel yourself brace, or you feel yourself worry, or you feel yourself starting to get really gripped about what's happening over there. And we're teaching you how to come back to the power that always have in here.

And you know, i'll go back to the plain story that I told in the very beginning um there have been times of my life several decades ago where I was on a plane that suddenly drops and then the airbags drop and then they start swing in which they don't so on those cute videos, you know, and then the air conditioning starts to condense. Some people start crying and screaming. You your life flashes before you rise when that happens.

And I was lucky because when that happened, I was over in a matter of two or three minutes and the pilot came on and just said, wow, we just hit a huge air pocket. Sorry about that. Really scary hope.

You know, we're not we're going to state a lower altitude. There's nothing wrong. You don't need to wear the error masks, but I just want to go over the safety instructions again. Whatever we land in, like thirty minutes, in those thirty minutes, I took sock of my entire life and I realized there were a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change.

And if you are in a moment where you have kind of one of those experiences where you really the thing you're dreading is whether or not you're going to make IT, it's incredible what a reality check that is of how short life actually is. And in a moment you're going to realize what matters. And what matters are the people that you care about and the state of your relationships, and whether or not you are showing up and whether or not you are loving and whether or not you are loved, whether or not you are prioritizing friends.

The other thing that shows up is your relationship to yourself and how you feel about yourself. And at the time I didn't like myself that much. I have a lot of work to do.

And the other thing that shows up is how are you spending your time and do you enjoy how you're spending your time? Because IT is such a limited commodity that you have. And I realized at this moment in my life that I did not want to be a lawyer anymore.

Like this is a huge defining moment for me. And I got off that plane and started making changes. Now fast forward to the plane story from the opening, which honestly, this was way more terrifying.

Then even the plane dropping and airbags dropping in two minutes of this is over. And the reason why this one was more terrifying is because I didn't know what the heck was happening, was going on for a long time. And the difference though is once I got control of the dread, I and I got peaceful with the truth, which is there's nothing I can do.

Here I am in a giant shopping mall flying through the sky that is bouncing around like a traveling through the air. Right now i'm holding my husband's hand, who is my favorite person on the planet, and i'm really proud of myself. And the only thing that I have, that I am worried about right now is that i'm kissed off, that I wouldn't get more time on earth at this moment in my existence, that I wouldn't get more time with my kids, and that almost like kinds anger and realization, like i'm ough doing out like this.

And even if I didn't, i'm really proud of the personal I am, and I can hang my head on that. Like there is something around that moment that also just dropped the dread. But if you are going in the work in the morning or you're getting a conversation because you know you need to end the relationship or you know you need to give somebody is some difficult feedback because you want the relationship to get Better, or if you're dreading a healthy diagnosis, that's like a wake up call.

Because read literally can be these moments where you assess what's actually important to you, and you can use that to cattle le yourself in a different direction. And if I bring you back to like the topic that we were just talking about, the reason why I wants to talk about this today regarding the U. S.

I, if you're dreading what's happening in this country or you're listening somewhere around the world and you're dreading what's happening in your community or in your family or in your part of the world, that's a sign that you care deeply about this. And while you might not be able to control what's happening in the larger sense of things today, there is no doubt there are things you can do. There is no doubt that IT just takes one person to change the world, to change your community, to change your school system.

And that overwhelm, and dad can galvanize what you do next and what you commit yourself to. And that's a really important thing that i've noticed in my life in these moments like they really show you what you care about, whether it's you dread a presentation because you care about doing well at work or you dread this conversation where you have to have a very hard conversation with somebody you love. But the reason why is because you actually value, you love and you value honesty and you value integrity, or you you value yourself enough to know that the love that you're getting in this relationship is not the love that you deserve, that you deserve something else, and you're willing to stand up for that.

And that dread is an important thing that basically is okay. I am a person that cares about myself, and I care about the person about to break up with, because, you know, I still like them, and I don't wanted, disappointed, but I gotto care more about me. And so I do think these moments of bracing, actually, if you're willing to slow down and not let IT hy jack you, you can unpack the moment and truly connect more deeply with the things that you care about.

You care about your mom and dad, that's a big sign, is find more time with them. I care about my family, the plane situation, woo. I was wasn't thinking about work.

I was thinking about my parents and my husband and my children um and my friends and I wasn't thinking about the Normal stuff that make me like not fell. I was thinking about the things that actually matter, and to me, that's the gift that's available to unrated that you are learning something about yourself. And regardless of how things turn out, use that information to guide the kind of person you show up, as in this next chapter. As you know.

through this thing, I love this.

So where I want to go now is to some of your questions because there has been an absolute just it's unbelievable how many of you are using the word read. We literally went and search dread, and so feel we've collected a ton of emails of all different types of things that people address. What are some of the topics? Just to give us a wide a rain?

The shorter answer is a lot. No motivation, uninspired fear of telling my parents things gone to let them down. I'm an empty nester um dating again, going the wrong direction at work with my career, spending vacation time with my in laws and .

on and on and on. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Tip the iceberg.

right? Well, let's just jump in. What do you want to start with?

Well, I want you to check out this one from nikole.

Okay, great. So nikole is a listener who is twenty four years old, and she's writing in because he has been single for a long time. For the past two years, SHE used to be a serial data fill, and then was like, forget this, I am just gonna take a break.

And he said, being single these past two years has been the best thing i've ever done for myself. I think that's really cool. actually.

I love that you took time to be single. You did not even worry about finding somebody just killed with yourself that super cool. But here comes the downside.

I am now so hyper independent and control. Being single at the idea of dating again, or changing my life up to incorporating, makes me want to to run and hide under my bed forever. Actually, I have heard this from soul, many of our listeners and their twenties and theories.

And here's what he writes. SHE literally writes that I wish we had more discussions around the shame women feel they're twice for not prioritising dating. The hook up culture SHE goes on and on and on and then he says, is that really the worst thing to dread the day you have to start dating again? Because let's face IT, its slim pickings out there asked any any woman on dating out.

So here's what I would say. First of all, I don't think you are ready to date all because IT sounds like you just love being single, so don't even add IT in IT feels like I should but the piece I want you to take away is you used the word dread. Dread means you've already decided it's going to go horrible.

All i'm going to tell you is switched the word uncertain. You don't know how it's going to go and you don't have to. Beyond the apps, you can talk to people in your data day life.

You can tell your friends that you're open today. You don't have to do with that way. But when you use the word bread, you've already assumed it's gonna horrible, which is why you're bracing, which is why you're avoiding IT.

And when you get to the point where you say this is something i'm interested in, i'm uncertain about how it's gonna go. Do you feel the freedom in that? And I think that's going to help a lot.

Um i've got one here that is about having a husband that is negative. My husband generally only tells me bad news about his job and his day. He's not making nearly as much money as I do.

I encourage him to listen yourself. Improvement books and pod capet refuses. How do I navigate this negativity but still be supportive? How do I keep my love for him when I feel dread talking to him? Oh, boy. OK.

So can you imagine I think we ve all of you i've been in i've been in periods of my marriage and i've certainly been in relationships where I dread the person that I was walking through the door. sure. Yeah like you just it's a terrible place to be.

And so you're bracing for the negativity. I'm going to tell you to do something opposite. You ready? First of all, live in uncertainty.

Maybe he'll be in a bad mood today. Maybe he won't. And you have to use the let them theory.

You have to, you have to let him be in a bad mood, and you can also start like, I don't like what I know based on the research is here, trying to tell to be positive actually just makes me negative. You, because what I know about the research is that trying to change someone else doesn't work. So if you try to make a positive, it's just gonna make him more negative.

If you try to make him listen to self improvement, uh, it's only going to make a more resistant to in. And so here's what I want you to understand. Everything that we've talked about.

You have the ability to shift this in yourself. Part of the dynamic is you bracing and your mindset going and your nervous and stem going. And so I would recommend that you do the box breathing.

I would recommend you start to talk about uncertainty. And i'm going to give you one tool from let them theory book, ask your husband. How do you feel about your attitude about your life? Or i've i've noticed that you're really leg down how you feel about things.

So instead of just getting a report, just ask him an open and good question because IT gets him to start to talk about the conflict that is feeling first is just complaining about IT. I write about this extensively in the book. Um it's a technique that gets somebody out of their negative state because what's happening with your husband, if he hates his job that much, he dreads going.

He wakes up every morning in a state of thread which what makes his mindset negative, which makes his body brace, which makes the entire day at work negative, which then makes them come home and talk to you about IT. And so until he stops bracing and he recognizes that he wants something different, nothing's changing because people only change when they feel like changing. And one of the things that this conversation is revealing is that dread is something that is a natural, instinctive us that can hijack your experience of life.

And I think a lot of people dread going to work. But what you don't understand, when you're the one dreading IT, is that you have power. This isn't the only job on the planet. And the more you stay stuck in the state of dread, the more likely you're going to stay in this job, which is ironic that the thread keeps you locked there. And so your openness, your shifting, your ability to create space for him to figure this out for himself will also help him shift IT melo.

we're setting the clocks back. The seasons are changing. We're getting a lot of questions about dealing with seasonal depression, dread, getting up in the morning .

because of IT. Oh, I relaid. I hate turning the clocks back. If I ran for president of any like country or city, what this would be like, my number one thing, you know, like a high school or middle Green, like mice, cream in the cafeteria, be like my, one of my initiatives would be, he, no daylight savings.

I hate IT, but here's the thing, dread the darkness and dreading the winter months and dream the cold is IT helping. No, why? Because what have we learned about dread? IT actually locks you in a state that IT is going to be horrible.

And here's what I want you to understand. Through your own actions and attitude, you can make IT Better. I'm not saying that seasonal depression isn't a thing because that is a very real thing, and I absolutely struggle with that deep in the mood and looking outside four thirty P M.

In vermont and already almost dark, and just thinking, I can't live here another winter, right? I can have not doing this to myself again. But there are things you can do.

There are things you can do. And so instead of locking in on read, winter is coming, right? Game thrones, winter is coming. I want you to loosen, and I want you to start to think about, what can you do? What can your routine look like?

How can you shift the time you go to bed, the time that you wake up, the things that you do during your day, the things that you do at night? How can you map out a new plan for this season so that it's not just the drag light box out? Here we go.

Let's breathe for the long winter. everybody. IT doesn't have to be that way. You can focus on your thoughts, your actions, creating a new routine, doing a little bit research. If you have the ability to create a plan to get away and go visit a friend that lives in a nicer place and go on a road trip, do IT these things help?

If you know, another thing that I think can help a lot is if you're ever wanted to take a painting class, or you ve ever wanted to learn a new skill, sign up for a class at night, get yourself out of the house, these sorts of things help. But the more you say I dread IT, the more you going to feel locked into negativity, and the less power you're going to feel that you have and you do have power. Even if this is a diagnosis that you're dealing with, you still have power.

I do want to end on this question from nora about dreading getting out of bed and dreading starting the day. And can you talk more about how we can talk ourselves into getting up immediately when we feel like crap and are dreading our day? So there's two things I want to a cover in this, and this is why I want to end on this.

The first part of this reading, starting your day, is the tactics. And there is no Better tactic for solving this problem. Then, using my five second rule and counting backwards, the moments, the alarming, five, four, three, two, one, and moving and getting out of bed, and just starting the day, you can wake up and feel dread, embracing an anxiety and overwhelm, and you can still start your day.

Five, four, three, two, one, two things can be true. You cannot feel like doing IT. And you can fight for three, two, one, do IT. And the reason why this matters is because movement shifts your emotions, and getting going helps you keep going and lying in bed, and lying in the dread, and lying in the overwhelm, which is something that I and very familiar with. It's something that I struggled with profoundly, especially as somebody that has had a lot of anxiety in the past.

And the five second rule and counting backwards, five, four, three, two, one, was something I created precisely to help me when the alarm rang, and I felt dread and IT pined me into the bed. And I would just lay there and rot in my negative thoughts, in my emotions. So five, four, three, two, one bomb, just like they say, nothing good happens at a bar after midnight.

Nothing good happens at a nike club after midnight. Nothing good happens when you lie in there, in bed, consumed in read, kk, five, four, three, two, one, get up. That's a tactic.

And that is gone to help you. And you may need to use that every morning of your life for fifteen years, like I have. I still use that to get out of bed.

I had to use that this morning to get out of bed because we had a huge workday and a lot of exciting news. And I was so emotionally drained. And plus, I ate a double stack hamburger with cheese fries, and then I had an ice cream cone and gene tonic.

And then I went to bed to talk about bad rut. I got IT. When I woke up, I was like I to use my own stuff.

Five or three, two, I get up because I ve got to go talk to fill about dad. That's the tactic. But here's the bigger thing I want to say to you, if you read your day, that's an opportunity to take a look at your life.

You were not put on this planet to wake up and read your day. There are things about your life you need to change. IT might mean that you need to take your mental health and your physical health more seriously.

IT might mean that you need to take sleep more seriously. And my simple rule for Better sleep, as if you want eight hours asleep, spends nine hours in bed, just not an hour of IT in the morning, dreading your day, right, takes time to fall. A sleep might mean that you've got to change IT up might mean that you've to have a hard conversation that you've been avoiding. why? Because you read IT might mean that you got ta make some changes to your morning routine might mean that yeah have to ask your family to step up a little bit so everything's not on your shoulders.

And I guarantee you, if you go through your day and you list all of the things that you write about your day, you'll notice that there's lots of places where you embraced in small ways and where you have negative opinions and where you think this is just what IT is and there's nothing you can do about IT, which is why we brace, which is what you've learned during this conversation, and it's how you lose your power. And the truth is you're not stuck anywhere. You're not stuck in a relationship.

You are not stuck in a dynamic with your family. You are not stuck in a job. You are not stuck with the current state of your health.

You are not stuck with your mindset. You are not stuck with your current morning routine. You is a human being, are hardwire to change. But if you continue to dread all these small things, you are keeping yourself locked in something that doesn't work.

And so I think that moment where you wake up and read the day you're waking up into, I think that moment where you wake up and read the day waking up into, is one of the greatest gifts that your life could give you, because it's a gigging tic. Wake up called that there are things that are not working. And IT is time that you wake to help up, metaphorical, physically, mentally, spiritually.

And you start doing the work to change IT. I want you to look at your life and look at the things that you read and understand. These are just things that are uncertain.

But here's what I am certain about. You have the power, and you are capable through your thoughts, actions in your attitude of changing anything for the Better period, full stop. You cannot convince me otherwise to stop racing, stop dreading, relaxed into this.

Look at what you need to change. Look at what's within your control and focus on that. And I think you're going to be shocked at how much more powerful and calm you feel no matter what's going on on.

And in case someone else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you. I believe in your power to create a Better life. And I just love that this topic was so deep and so useful on global levels, on personal levels, in small moments, in big moments, in annoying moments and scary moments.

And i'm absolutely thrilled that I got to impact this with you and with filled today. So I will see you in the very next episode, and I cannot wait to hear what you ve got out of this one already. I'll see in a few days.

Are you a stoic kind of guy?

I try to be. K, I don't think of myself that way. I think of myself is thrilling .

to be a stoic. Okay, what is happening? It's literally .

wind and rain.

what? This is a reminder from the universe that, you know, there's only certain things you can control. They got a dumb truck that they have a construction crew.

They have uh, a uh uh, special forces grade airplanes and helicopters. Slang around today are reminding us why would we get tense about what's happening out there? It's trash day here, everybody.

Yeah, is that enough? okay? You want one more? No, I may do one more. Okay, here you.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licence therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional.

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