155-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
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Test, test. Jeans, jeans, test. Jeans. I watched that Criss Cross video on MuchMusic. Yeah. Remember Criss Cross? Megan, jump, jump. Yeah, of course. One of them died this year. It's not bad. Now that I watch it, I hated it at the time, but I was like, it's kind of a peppy little number. I loved it at the time. Yeah. That was my favorite shit. That was cool. I almost wore my pants backwards to school.

I don't think Top Dog or Charo would approve. No. What's up, little mommy, mommy, mommies? Check it out. I'm right now. I'm in Toronto. Oh. If you're listening to this on the wonderful Friday that it came out, there might be a couple shows that I pop up on tonight. Follow me on Twitter, at Tom Segura. I'll tweet about the shows. I'm up here with Joe Rogan and Brian Callen. So...

Come see me, T-Dot. That's what's up. That's what's up. Also, Columbus Oh-heasy, September 27th. Oh-h. T-Nuts, myself, Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe. We're doing a Death Squad super show. That's going to be awesome. That's the 27th. Get tickets. And that kicks off a huge thing that Tom and I are doing. Starting the 29th, we go to the Star Dome, Birmingham, Alabama. Roll Tide.

September 30th, Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee. We have an announcement about someone who's not going to be at our Zany's show pretty soon. October 1st, Atlanta Punchline. October 2nd, Charlotte, North Carolina. My first time going back to North Kakalaki. Do you know I've never, oh wait, I've only been there for your friend's wedding. Yeah.

My friend, you mean Casey? The dude? The dude whisperer? October 6th, we wrap it up. We go to Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. And that's a show we're doing both the podcast and making stand-up jokes. And then I go on alone without my jeans. October 9th through 12th, Syracuse Funny Bone, Syracuse, New York. October 16th through 19th, I just added the Des Moines Funny Bone in Des Moines, New York.

Oh, okay. All right. Well, I go to... Good one. Comedy Foxwoods. Don't fuck this up. They get mad, right, if you fuck it up? Don't fuck it up. It's a very specific way to say it. I don't want to... Hold on. I don't want to screw this up. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Now, hold on a second. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, it's like a pot. You know what I'm saying? You know...

This is embarrassing. But look. I know what it is. I got it. Comics at Foxwoods. Comedy Club and Casino. Duh. That's October 10th through the 12th. That's what's up. If they still allow you to show up after not even knowing the name of the place. Way to go, Gene. All right. Well, that's that. That's what's up.

Come see us, all these shows. We need your support on this little mini tour, guys. Please come out and see us. Oh my gosh, yeah. And then Twitter, at Christina P, at Tom Segura. Follow us there. I know some of you are mature people not on Twitter. I totally get it. But just follow us because that's where we announce stuff. We drop episodes. We make things happen there. We make it happen? Yeah. We make it happen? We make the happen. Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoop.

What are you doing? What's going on? I'm saying you said make it happen. So I'm making it happen right now. I'm trying to find this article so we can talk about the North Carolina story. Yeah. I have to find it. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. No hoops.

No BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month. We use Mint Mobile at the studio, and I can personally attest to how easy it was to get set up with our unlimited plan. To get this new customer offer,

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See Mint Mobile for details. You ready to do this? Yeah, we got a lot. We got so many fun things to cover. All right, let's do this. I put a gun up to my throat, dude. Damn. I was about to broke down. But, dude, I wrote that last night. I had a front page. I had two pages. Front page was the one. Dude, I have proof. Like, all right, you can ask these niggas.

Sorry, I'm sorry, honestly. It's all good. Y'all use, in San Antonio, y'all use the word niggas a lot. People use what they want to do, you know? It's fucked.

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Smash.

But when cash involved, I gotta pass it. Five in the morning in a town car. Airport, bam, cause the bands call. Feel like a 49, no fucking dick. Trying to get my stacks looking like midgets. Do it over and over like a bad bitch. I just wanna eat. Wait for the hook. It's the bad, it's the bad. Oh yeah. Bad business. I'm a tad vicious.

Exactly like a parody video. Like this is a Lonely Island. Yeah, I know.

This dude's serious 100%. And the video... I'm writing lyrics, man. Yeah, the video is equally stupid. Oh, yeah. If you Google it, it's Roach gigs. Or you could also Google pussy magnet. It's so... And he doesn't look like a guy that's a pussy magnet. You don't think so? Just so you know. What part is... Is it like his white guy jerry curl? Yes.

It's just a swimming pool in the back. It's like a house in the valley. It's not even like a ballroom. I don't want to pray.

Status thing. Put him on the fridge. Put him on the fridge. You know what I'm saying? Put him on the fridge. He a pussy magnet. Why you talk about pussy? Because I love to smash it. Because I love to smash it. The creativity that went into, why do you talk about pussy? And then I'll answer you. You ask why. You ask me. And then I'll say, because I love to smash it. Put it on the fridge. Meow. That's her pussy talking. Meow.

What a fucking dumb song. That might be the dumbest song of all time. Mm-hmm.

So, Kreation, I'm a huge fan of her work. We all know Gucci Gucci. And Bumpin' Bumpin'. And then the White Girl Mob, she was a part of Split Up, and now they're all doing different things. You know so much about the White Girl Mob. I follow Kreation on Twitter. But yeah, so Pussy Magnet, she does a little cameo in it. And it's a horrendous video, if you want to laugh. It's probably the most...

offensive video uh worse than two life crew i don't know what do you say tommy you're a huge fan of two life crew well i don't know you can it's not as funny as their stuff right it didn't have a sense of irony there's no irony in put it on the fridge yeah put the magnet put him on the fridge it's a magnet yeah it's different i mean why you like a pussy

You have to answer me. Because I love to smash it. There you go. He just likes pussy. I like... But he also likes big ass and titties. By the way, what I love about our opening clip about...

Oh, sorry. So this is Lil Debbie, who was part of the white girl mob with Creshawn. She split off. More talent. More talent from that whole family in Oakland. I got bitches, you got bitches, tell them bitches come over. If they ratchet, let's get ratchet, pick them up in the room. I got ratchets in my living room till six in the morning. And when I finish up this weed, man, I'm sending them home.

I got bitches, you got bitches, tell them bitches come over. If they ratchet, let's get ratchet, pick them up in that room. I got ratchets in my room till six in the morning. And when I finish up this weed, man, I'm standing alone. I got ratchets and some bitches. Coke lines, no soft drinks. Ben Franks, that green dank, wet pussy, pink tank. Bitches in my crib, I got these ratchets in my mousetrap. I put up in that Rover, that dark tent, all black.

This is fucking horrible. But I do like Lil, I'm sorry, Lil Debbie, L-I apostrophe L Debbie more than I like Roach Giggs song.

Because I feel like Lil Debbie has a kind of swag to her in the videos. She does. The video is totally offensive to any black woman alive. What the fuck, man? I mean, as this person commented underneath it,

You gotta love white girl using black women as status props. Yeah. What is happening in this video? Well, and I guess... Jesus. I mean, you're probably the aficionado on this lingo. From what I understand, ratchet means like your weave is kind of messed up and your nails aren't did. Well, it's just like... It's kind of janky. It's a replacement word essentially for ghetto. Like that's some ghetto shit. Oh, it's ratchet. It's ratchet shit. It's just...

Yeah. Yeah. It's just a new word for that. Yeah. So this is a little, I mean, if I were a black woman, I'd be horribly offended because it's like these, of course, quote, ratchet girls dancing and they're wearing like Budweiser bathing suits and they're just, they're good. For a white woman. For a little Debbie in the foreground and then they're just dancing on a rooftop doing the splits and like shaking their asses and stuff. Yeah.

It's horrific. What's happening to the world we live in? Why does this girl have a music career?

Lil Debbie? Now, you said that V Nasty is doing her own thing now, right? Well, from what I understand, yeah. Well, I know that Lil Debbie and Crayshon have beef, and that's why Lil Debbie started her own thing. I think V Nasty may have split up with Crayshon as well, but I'm not sure what her music is. I didn't do that research. Well, it looks like V Nasty, man,

Her fucking videos have crazy views. It's a lot about... Okay, so White Girl Mob is from Oakland, these three girls, and they're three white girls who rap. And a lot of their themes center around weed, alcohol, more weed. A lot of weed. And then getting high.

Yeah. And then Gucci, I guess. I don't know. And Gucci. And like fashion. Yeah. This is V Nasty and Lil Debbie. Okay. It's called Gotta Ball. Cause they're also ballers, right? Oh, right. Yeah. The thing about them, it's such a calculated look and you know what I mean? Yeah. Everything. Yeah.

What is this shit? You know what I don't... Can I tell you what I don't like about... There's a lot I don't like. Yeah. But what I don't like about this particular... Like when I click like this. Yeah. I don't like when somebody...

talks like I'll whoop your ass, because they do, when you can't and won't. Right. I just don't think... She's basing that on...

Almost knowing that a guy is not going to hit you back. Don't act like you're a tough... Right, and I agree with you 100%. However, in this case, I've done my research. Look, I've spent a lot of time alone in hotel rooms. V Nasty's been in jail. For what? I think stealing stuff. She's probably fought in jail, right? And also, little Debbie has a pretty checkered past. These chicks are kind of...

Messed up, you know? They're messed up. It's a little for real. But don't be, you're not physically imposing. You're not going to threaten me. She's not going to beat up a dude, yeah. Yeah. You talking like you're going to hurt somebody physically, it's stupid.

Well, I think it's stupid in all genre, right? No. Threatening violence. No, because if you can back up your threats, then you can get away with threatening violence. I guess, dude. I just, I don't even listen to the words. But I mean, like guys who really commit violent acts. Right. That's why you go, okay, well, you can talk about that because you're a violent person. Because you've done that stuff. Yeah.

It's interesting. I'm not saying I encourage you to be more violent. I'm saying you have the credibility to be violent. Right, you can say that stuff. Yeah, when you're like, I'm a bad bitch. No, you're not. Shut up. Grab you by your stupid face. I wouldn't fuck with V Nasty. I wouldn't fight her. I'm not suggesting that you should. I'm just saying that I'll smack the shit out of her. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Shit, I didn't know it was like that. Okay. All right, maybe you should write a tune.

I'll smack the shit out of that bitch. Horrible. You're horribly untalented. Oh, jeans. I kind of like the music behind Ratchet. Yeah. And I do like creation. I have to say I do like Gucci Gucci. I still have that on my iPhone. Can I spend the night, bitch? That's her. That's bumping, bumping. Dance floor is bumping, bumping, bumping. I said, can I spend the night? That's so funny.

I still think Crayshon is the most talented of the three, of the white girl mob, personally. I feel you. I hear you. I'm rolling with you. Let's talk about this. How did you stumble upon this kid that we played in our opening clip? Yeah, he's a special one. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Very fruitful on the internet this last week. He's so young. He is such a baby-faced kid.

young white kid who is being interviewed on camera by a black guy. And this is just important to note because it applies to this video. And the young kid is super high going through some paranoia explaining some of his delusions. I mean, we played just a little bit of it. Here's a little more of it. What's up? Let me know about it. So that was the black guy.

Oh, okay. Thanks. Just so you know who's who. That wasn't the white kid. Just because our listeners can't see the clip. Yeah, you can't see. Yeah, it's theater of the mind here. Gangster. I want to keep it... That's the white kid. Straight? We need to get his light. Good show, homeboy. Fuck it. I am... They're shooting at night. That's so ridiculous. Now, it's funny. The black guy loves this kid as...

as on-camera talent. Can I tell you that, first of all, you asked me where I got this from? Yeah, yeah. Just Google drugs. Okay. I was looking up this guy that was high on Molly, and then it led me down this wormhole of the best drug videos ever. So type in crack. That's how we found the guy from last week's, last episode's opening. Yes. Meth. I think this kid was smoking meth. He's smoking meth. Right. Yeah.

And this is what happens when you smoke. But they're shooting at night, and that's why you hear the guy say, get in the light, because there's street lights. He's trying to get him into the light so that he can see him. Not into the light of Jesus. Right. I have proof right here. What's up? I want to be known. I'm a graffiti artist. Straight up. I smoke weed. Me too. I want to do what the fuck I want to do with my life. Today...

I reached your fucking nirvana. I am 16 years old. Look at my fucking face, motherfucker. Check this out. You reached nirvana? I spray paint...

I don't give a shit. I feel you. Fuck this shit. I have proof that a spirit from the outer being is watching me, dude. Look at my fucking eyes. I am not... I need more light. You gotta come look this way and look into the light. Last night? Yes. I put a gun up to my throat, dude. Damn. I was about to broke down. But, dude, I wrote that last night. I had a front page. I had two pages.

Did you hear what happened there?

Huh? Do you hear what happened? Casey Kasem got in there a little bit. Casey Kasem got in there a little bit. Fucking Blue Band. Blue Band did that. So he's really out of his mind. You know, he's kind of freaking out. He's talking about the aliens. He's in Nirvana. The aliens are watching over what he's doing. He wrote crazy shit on a journal page. Yeah. And then he's like, I put a gun to my mouth.

And then he drops an N-bomb to this guy. He's like, sorry, dude. He drops his cool persona. He's like, I'm sorry. That's the best. That's the best part. I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean it. Then the guy totally diffused. He's like, it's all right, man. Everybody says that around here. Dude, I have proof. You can ask these niggas.

Sorry, I'm sorry, honestly. It's all good. Y'all use, in San Antonio, y'all use the word niggas a lot. People use what they want to do, you know? People use what they want to do. I feel you. Go ahead, continue. It don't matter. I'm a god. Continue. Whoa. Wow. Who the fuck is that? That's a woman. That's so weird. You said weird? That's so mad. That's so pounds, dude. I'm trying to change this fucking world. Fuck that. Hold on.

Hold on. You 16? That's so foul. He's like, oh, shit. You know what's fantastic about the interviewer is that he really knows how to egg this kid on. Yeah, of course. He's a great interviewer. It's genius. He's like, oh, he's really encouraging it. He used...

The number one rule of being a good interviewer, which is celebrate who you're interviewing. Yes, and if you will. Absolutely. So if it's, you know, you're beautiful, you're so hot, or you're so cool, you're the fucking man, whatever it is about that person, you give them that so that they go, I feel good right now. But my favorite part about when he slips the N-bomb is even in his whacked out state of meth-induced lunacy, he realizes like...

Oh my god, I just said the N-word too. I'm black, I don't have any freaks out. It's the best. Where... I'm sorry. I swear, I was possessed today. Okay, let me hear it. I don't give a fuck who's trying to stop me or what's trying to stop me. That's my little brother. I'm going to do what the fuck I want with my little brother. Alright, check it out. Like, this was like... Alright, this I have right here, this is proof that a spirit is watching me, right? Yeah. This...

These are papers. This right here was not here last night. I swear to fucking God, dude. I did not draw this. Just so you know. It's drawn right there. I wrote a front page of when Nirvana hit me, but I went to Lazy. It's fun, right? Yeah. Drugs are fun. Today's drugs, I mean, I... Or maybe it's because we didn't have the internet when I was a kid, so we didn't get to see all the fun things that happen when you do severely harsh drugs. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's pretty exciting. What happened to the, because we just got an email about this. Yeah. About the guy. Where's the guy? Ratchet. Ratchet. Where is that? Ratchet. I couldn't tell you. I'm not sure about that. What's it called? What's the video called? Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant like where is he located in the world? No, no, no. I'm about to tell you.

Hold on.

Whatever you're planning, wherever you're going, we're here to help you get there. Banner Health. Exhale. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash campaign to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash campaign. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. So we got an email. Rag'em, rag'em, rag'ball. Rag'em, rag'em, rag'ball. Oh, no!

We got an email from Sarah. Sarah. You ready? I'm ready, yeah. I love it. Just wanted to drop a quick sad note that Rackham, Rackball, Funny Chicken Willie James is actually dead now. He died. Oh, what a shocker. He lived in the town. She went to college in Athens, Georgia. Go Dawgs. And anyways, she wanted to let us know.

Isn't that funny? Isn't that wonderful now in this amazing world of the internet that we can play a random clip of a guy I just found on the internet and someone can email us and go, oh, I know this crazy lunatic. Yep. And you know what? I can tell now it makes sense he's jumping between the hedges. That's what those bushes... What's your name, man? Willie James, or better known as Fuckin' Chicken. Ha ha ha.

As Allah Rackbar. Hello, Rackbar. Instead of Akbar, he says Rackbar. That's what it is. Show them who wants to hide now and stank and kick it. Rackle, Rackle, Rackle. Here's your favorite part. Rackle, Rackle. Rackle, Rackle.

There you go. I do like that part the best. Horrible. So, I'm trying to find this update. Hold on, guys. I had to switch my phone around. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. But anyways, yeah. What's her name? I just said, emailed us. Sarah Swan also said she loves Chargers of the Game. And I just wanted to point out.

There's a new episode up. I have Robert Littall from Black Sports Online and Justin Reed from WSB in Atlanta. We talk a lot of NFL and college. So please check out Charge It. Charge it after the game, man. Okay. What are you doing? I have to look for this. What?

We have so many emails, sorry. I'm trying to find what update I had on Nashville. Oh, yeah. This is what we were saying. We were alluding to this earlier. All right, yeah. So we alluded to this earlier that somebody who we thought maybe would be at our...

We wanted to come to our Nashville show. It's not going to be there. What do we know? Well, here's what I found out. Matthew sent us this wonderful email. Stevie, not in Nashville. Oh, where is he? Oh, dear. He is drumroll.

Incarcerated. What? Stevie? Oh, no. Can you believe that? This is the best. And Matthew writes, oh, and if you click criminal history, you can see the good stuff. He's a real piece of shit, but people changes. Stevie, uh,

He's under the Tennessee Sex Offender Registry search right now. Looks like he's balding a lot more. He's got the same glasses on, which is nice in this shot. Is he balding a lot more? Can I see that shot? Yeah, take a look. Oh, my God. He doesn't look too good. He doesn't look too good. Oh, no. Yeah, he's gone downhill pretty fast. Oh.

Those glasses are the same glasses. Same glasses. How do you do that? He's got a really long, like a billy goat beard going and long hair in the back. Mm-hmm. Ball top. So he's back in... Do you want to read his charges to the audience? Sure. So this is... Yeah, he's messed up, guys. Criminal history here. Okay.

It looks like he's still a full-blown retard in my book. He has not changed as yet. Well, this obviously isn't the entire history because this has 2010 sex offender registration violation first offense. Oh. So it means... In Tennessee. Well, no, but this is his first offense since being registered. It's 2010. Okay. In other words...

After the film, he was served prison time. You get out. You're a registered offender. And then he has a slip. Then he committed an offense. Description, disposition, guilty plea, lesser charge, received zero years, 11 months, fine, cost paid, suspended, blah, blah, blah. Then 2012, it says sex offender registration violation, third offense. So there's not even the second one in there. What was that? I don't know. Um...

But so he has it. We go right to a third offense. And then a few months later, he's charged with tampering removal or vandalism of his monitoring device. That seems to be the most recent charge. Well, he's definitely not leaving his house to come to our show. Guilty plea. So I got to tell you, hard to believe. Not really. I don't believe it.

Oh, it has his address here. Maybe we shouldn't. Homeless. That's what it says. Let me see. Let me see, Stevie. Come here. People changes. Not always, buddy. Wow, this guy is a real piece of shit, huh? Yeah. Wow. Predatory criminal sexual abuse. He drinks. He does marijuana. Do you think he still does?

Oh, yeah, I'm guessing. Do you want to read his charges? Didn't I just go ahead? Oh, yeah, you did, but it doesn't say what it is really for first offense. It doesn't specify, because in the state of California, we have our Megan's Law website, and it's real neat, because you can see exactly what the piece of shit did, like lewd and lascivious acts with a minor, forceful penetration. So we don't know what he's really doing. People get mad.

Well, the great state of Tennessee is harboring our boy. Good luck to you, Stevie. We hope you see the light. Yeah, get it together, man. Yeah, buddy. Maybe you should try to stop. But when he's on that marijuana and whiskey, he gets crazy. Yeah, maybe dial that back a little bit. Maybe it'll change your behavior. Yeah.

Yeah, he's not okay. All right. Also in the news, I feel like we almost need to build a jingle for this now because it's so ridiculous. This kid deserves a fucking jingle and then a jingle across the side of his fucking head. We need like a piece of shit alert. If anyone can make like a bullshit alert sound or something like that.

All right, guys. A few of you have sent this in. Breaking news. Guess what? Jaden Smith is being a retard once again. This is the latest. This is an Us Weekly. There's a number of tweets that he sent out. Oh, really? Is it even more than what's in Us Magazine? Okay, why don't I start here and then you want to read? Start with the September 5th one. Do you have that? Okay, well, here let me read the article. We'll start there and then we'll work our way back. It's exhausting. Jaden Smith.

hasn't properly learned the rules of using capitalization in sentences. Nevertheless, the After Earth star, son to Will and Jada, brother to Willow, blah, blah, blah, thinks school is very uncool. Last week, the budding singer and actor,

took to Twitter to rant for some reason about school education and the general rules of modern society. So here's his first one. I wish I had, I could step into his mind to understand how highly he thinks of himself. I feel like we have a, I feel like I have a good idea. How delusional. He's so highly delusional. Well, let's, let's let the listeners. Okay. And this is all, um, he capitalizes the first letter of every word in this tweet. Just so you know, it goes, um,

Quote, people used to ask me, what do you want to be when you get older? And I would say, what a stupid question. The real question is, what am I right now?

Okay. The karate kid started again. He continues. So stupid of you to ask that question. It's so fucking stupid. All the rules in this world were made by someone no smarter than you. So make your own. Right. And that's supposed to be... I mean, you understand that when he writes these, he feels like I'm so prolific. It's a lot of 15-year-old delusion going on here. Maybe some pot. I'm thinking...

No, you're not pot. I don't know. I'm thinking some drugs. I think it's just, I think I'm awesome. He's just, listen to what I just said. Yeah. He's so deep. All those rules. People made those rules.

Make your own rules. Well, not even that. He says that you're made by someone no smarter than you, which I kind of, I don't know. There are people that have been much smarter than me that have made some pretty cool stuff. Like Benjamin Franklin, that motherfucker got lightning in a bottle, invented everything, and was one of our leaders. He was smarter than me. I'm going to give it to Benjamin Franklin. Well, here's one thing I will bet to Jaden, that the people that made those rules

Smarter than him. I think so. Here's my favorite one. School is the tool to brainwash the youth...

And then he adds, which is very conflicting to me, education is rebellion. So then what is it? If school is a tool to brainwash the youth, then how is education rebellion? It would almost be... It doesn't even make sense. Not being educated would be rebellious. Correct. Education, yeah, this is stupid. Do you know who thinks the same as Jaden Smith, though? Who has the same opinion? He's the only dad I've ever known, though.

Somebody who doesn't like education himself. Or dentistry. He does not like school. I'm smart. I know what to use. Him and Funky Chicken would be geniuses in Jaden's world. Maybe Jaden could get Stevie to think like him.

This is my favorite part, too. This is my favorite one. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Don't just think about what he's saying. Think about how you know Jadam must have felt as he expressed this to us. If newborn babies could speak, they would be the most intelligent beings on planet Earth.

Oh, dude. I see what you're saying. Dude, I know what you're saying because society, man, the man takes it away from you. You're born knowing everything, man. A baby is like a free spirit. Yeah, man. Doesn't have any judgments. Yeah, man. Doesn't have any preconceived notions of how things work or operate. And then stuff like learning to read and doing math, all that stuff fucks up your brain, bro. Yeah, man. You don't fucking need it? If just babies were running shit...

They would be the most intelligent people around. I love when people say that bullshit. Just watch a child. A child's curiosity. A child inspires me in ways. I see my cat doing what he does. I see my child in the same light.

So this is the addendum to this wonderful thought. If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. So true, Jaden. So true. So true, little 15-year-old boy. Everybody get off your phones and go do what you actually want to do. I agree with that. Okay, do what you want to do. That's meaningful. But I don't think we would have a more intelligent society if nobody went to school.

And not that I'm saying that you have to go to school to be smart. I don't think you have to be formally educated to be intelligent. But I think it's good that some people do that route. Like my president. I like that Obama went to Harvard. Didn't he go to Harvard? And Michelle? Law. Yeah, he was Harvard Law. Harvard Law Review. The guy was a genius. All that stuff matters to me when you want leadership. So...

Here's the craziest part. So they interviewed, this is a quote, a parenting philosophy from Jada. This is a direct quote, the Smith family quote. I think that specifically in African American households, the idea coming out of slavery, there's a concept of your children being property, right?

And that was a major part that Jada and I realized with our kids. This is Will Smith telling Hot Living Magazine recently. We respect our children the way we would respect any other person. This is my favorite. Things like cleaning up their room. He would never tell a full grown adult to clean their room. So we don't tell our kids to clean their rooms.

What is that? I don't understand that. I guess the link, he's making the correlation between how black people were considered property as slaves, which is true. And then he carries the logic to saying that we don't treat our children as property of us, meaning we don't treat them as slaves. Like, you should do this and do that. So we don't make them do things like clean their room because that's an extension of slavery. That's so fucking dumb. What's his logic? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's so crazy.

That is so profoundly stupid. It's so crazy. Now I see why this kid is fucking dumb. It's not Jaden's fault. It's mom and dad who are nutbags.

And here's the other part. By the way, Obama, Columbia University degree, and then magna cum laude Harvard Law. See? You know how fucking hard it is to get into Harvard Law. But it has no impact on his intelligence. The schooling, it's not tied into anything. And Michelle was Harvard Law as well, I believe they met at Harvard. P.S., do you know what I love about Barack Obama?

is that he started out a community college kind of guy and he worked his way up, which I have even more admiration for. She went to Princeton and Harvard Law. But you don't want those people making decisions for our country, do you? You want a guy who didn't finish high school. We should be clear that just because you went to those schools doesn't mean...

that you're great at what you do. And he certainly has done a lot of things that a lot of people disagree with. I don't think he's doing a particularly phenomenal job in a lot of things right now. And so I'm just saying that the two aren't necessarily correlated, but it does...

It does influence and impact people when you have... I definitely... Listen, I want my rulers, I want my people making decisions to be super educated. I want them to be book smart because you got to know history in order to make history. So I think that stuff is logically coherent. You know what? There's this other thing I read about the Smith family, which is so ridiculous. That they dress like assholes all the time? That's the other thing? But their audacity is they started a school. Did you know this? In the San Fernando Valley where I grew up,

They started like a new think type of school where they, you know, had like unorthodox educational methods and they dumped millions of dollars into this ridiculous school in the Valley. And of course it closed like last June or something. Cause what, what respectable parent is going to be like, yeah, I want the Smiths to educate my kid. So crazy. So this kid doesn't have to go to school though, right? I highly, I bet they're one of these like,

We don't need homeschool. He's so smart. We just give him pride. He just does what he wants to do. Jaden just does what he wants to do. It's so crazy, man.

It's so fucking crazy. He's on such a different level than these other kids. Can I tell you my prediction for Jaden? I love parents like that. They're like, my kid's so different. You get that a lot with young, like with babies. They're like, he's just really smart. He picked up that thing and he just knew what it was. Right. And then he just started to gnaw on it. But he knew that he was gnawing on wood. It was really interesting. Everyone thinks their child is the most gifted. I totally understand that. He's 60 months old and he's just...

eating hair out of the trash. It's amazing. Yeah.

But my prediction for Jaden, mark my words. Yes. Okay, the level of ego and delusion at 15. It's crazy. I do think he's going to spin out. I think we're going to see him in rehab by 18. Because I do think part of this is drug-fueled. I think that he's... You do? Yes. Because the level of delusion... It is. It's unnatural. It's amplified. This isn't normal celebrity kid delusion. This is a little higher cranked up.

Rehab by 20, he's going to go out like the Corys by the time he's in his 30s. I think he's going to go downhill real fast. Thank God he has probably a $100 million trust fund. I know. Because that guy, his dad has so much money. How much do they have, those two fucking... Will Smith has been at the top of the movie star charts ever.

That game for like 15 years now. Pretty long time. So unreal. Like he's a guy who got, you know, I mean, he obviously got paid on his TV show, but then... The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! TV money is always better than movie money unless you are above the line. If your name is above the title, that's when movie money is crazy. He became a guy like that about 15 years ago and then...

He now not only has his name above the title, he also produces the film. So he makes extraordinary money. Are you saying he's a writer, producer, director, singer, songwriter? He actually is the guy that does all those things. He really is. He's one of the guys. I know. He's one of the few guys that is all those things. And I got it, honestly. Yeah. I like watching him in movies. He's great.

He's great. I like Men in Black. All right? I think he's a fantastic movie star. He's a super talent. Good looking guy. He's really talented. But why does everybody in the family, why does his jizz have to be talented? Why? They insist on this shit, man. I bet you she has a big hand in that. Oh, I know what I think you're right. Our kids are not like other kids. That's right. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

She holds this family together no matter what. Like, she condones him cheating because whale's gonna do what whale's gonna do. Remember that whole... You gotta look yourself in the mirror. Yeah. Remember that? Yo, yo. She knows. She knows what's up. You go, look, if you can look yourself in the mirror. And that guy interviewing her was like, uh-huh, something's wrong. She sounded like Claire Huxtable right there because Claire would kind of get saucy like that too with Cliff. Hoagies. Yeah.

Cliff, you know you have high blood pressure. You cannot be eating them hokies. All right. You can have a pudding pie. So, um, it's

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uh, ridiculous television shows and ridiculous people in show business. I look, I gotta be honest. I, I almost had a goddamn cardiac arrest when I saw, I was flipping through the TV and I saw that of all people, of all the people in show business, of all the very funny, talented people. We know a lot of them, millions of people, the fucking shaky jeans, uh,

Michael J. Fox has... This has really been in you. Oh, I hate it. Michael J. Fox is starring in a new sitcom. Yeah. Why? Why do we have to... I loved him in the 80s. I loved him in Teen Wolf. I loved him in Back to the Future. He's sick. He looks terrible. And I don't want to watch a guy who's obviously struggling with some debilitating... I don't want to watch it. It fucking bums me out, man. I

And give a sitcom to any one of our friends, or to us for that matter, not to fucking shake you. You want a dishwasher? Dishwasher. There's a good reason Michael Henry needed to go back to work. You know what I'll do? I'll call my wife on her cell phone, and she will straighten this whole thing out. What? No, 911. No, I didn't call 911. You know what I did? I called 917, but I missed out. My drugs haven't kicked in. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Hello? Hello?

Staying at home was just too dangerous. I'm fine. I said I was fine on the phone. Doesn't matter. We have to respond. Since we're both here, can I get you to sign an autograph? My uncle's got Alzheimer's. I've actually got Parkinson's. He looks really rough. He looks terrible. And so...

This is a stupidest fucking, the premise is like, oh, we're basing it on his real life struggle with Parkinson's. Who the fuck wants to watch a guy with Parkinson's making a joke of it? It's such a bummer. It's like, is someone with cancer? We're going to watch that one. Like he was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma, but he's back. Like, no, no, no. Let him rest. Let Michael J. Fuck sleep this off. He clearly wants to do this.

I don't want to watch it. Who the fuck wants to watch him shaking around? I can't even understand what the fuck he's saying and everything. I don't want to watch it either. I don't want to watch it. It's hard to watch. I feel pain empathy for him. He goes, like, that's a lot.

It's really weird. For 20 years, he's poured everything he had into work. Now he pours it all into us. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. No, now, so it looks like he's a newscaster. He's not playing himself. Wake up, wake up. Yay. A lot of people who soon as they set the table. Are you wearing that? What are we, driving a Zamboni to school? In the Grapes of Wrath, Ma and Pa Joad escaped the Dust Bowl.

This is his fake family on the show. My dad's condition is the dust bowl of my family. I'm failing you. What? The whole thing was manipulative. You can be my hero, daddy. I beg to differ. He's from Pennsylvania. He's not as funny as he thinks he is. He wears hats like they just fell off a shelf in a store. And whatever way it landed on his head, he just keeps it like that. You're just going to let it sit like, what? It's a hat. Oh, my God.

It looks so bad. Enough with the kale. We get it. You're white. You put those things away. You're sharing the kids. What's up, Aunt Leigh? Oh, my God. You catch more flies with honey. You're going to give the flies diabetes. Yo, 5 o'clock news. We love you, bro. Thanks, man. Thanks for that. There's no one who doesn't love you. Harris. And you get the whole... He delivers all the lines with a shaky head. God. You know...

Well, there's just not enough actors. There's not enough young up-and-comers. They need to give Michael J. Fox another fucking show. Hey, I got a pitch. I would rather watch the funky chicken crack guy than Michael J. Fox try to deliver. And listen, I have nothing but empathy for his illness. I am not shitting on this man's illness. Believe me. I know it's not a joke.

But to watch him on television, it's very difficult. And I don't know why they just go, just stop. Just stop. Stop it. Stop being on TV.

Like when Dick Clark had his stroke and he was still insisting on doing the Rockin' New Year's Eve. And you're like, what are you doing? Why are you still on television? What's the problem? What do you mean? What's the problem? Please stop it. There's a guy that you don't even know about.

Well, this guy you know about. He has a show coming this fall. This guy's amazing. I would watch that every episode. This guy has a... And the Parkinson's jokes? How many Parkinson's jokes can you write? Like, hey dad, what are you doing? I'm just shaking around. What are the awful jokes going to be? This guy is...

He has a television gig now. It's just so weird that he's allowed to talk on TV. Who? Which one now? His name is Lee Corso. Yeah, welcome back. He does football.

Portrait in your life. You can encounter people like this guy who we should take off TV now. Stop it. Well, and especially if your job is to communicate with people, if you can't talk and you can't communicate effectively, you can't do the job of being on television. Of course. So same thing with that Morley Safer. He looks like a fucking droopy dog. I don't know why he's still on television. At least he just looks like it. Like...

Yeah, he can still talk. Yeah, this guy... Poor Michael J... I mean, just rest. God damn it, man. Just fucking take a nap, bro. Yeah, these guys, I totally agree. I mean, I've been watching...

game day and it's like you listen to this guy let's see if you can pick up 40 noradame michigan games and we've been here for six years this is the last time michigan and noradame are going to play here let's take a listen to what the michigan coach had to say about that his speech is really right notably worse

He had a stroke. You're watching the game. You're drinking a few. It's hard to pay attention anyway. This is the pregame. And they're saving him now. So now when he says things, the other guys interject. They're like, right. Good one. Like they're...

And this is a coveted job. This should go to somebody who's... I get it. You have contributed a lot and they've let him have a couple years on the air since his stroke. And it's like, all right. Now you're not even sure what you're saying. Yeah, and if your beloved sports figure in the audience doesn't want to say goodbye to you, I understand that. Yeah, it's just...

It's, you know what it is? It's narcissism. It's narcissistic. It is. It's self-indulgent and have some fucking dignity. You know, when beauty queens age, for instance, nobody has seen, what's that broad, the blonde one, Brigitte Bardot.

Brigitte Bardot was one of the most beautiful women, I think, of all time. And you don't see pictures of Brigitte Bardot. You know why? Because she got old and she got fat and she knew when to step out of the light. She knew when to go, you know what? I have a wonderful legacy. I'm going to let that legacy speak for itself. I'm not going to tarnish it.

There's no reason to keep going when you're past it, man. Just fucking hang it up. Yeah, I mean, I feel like... God damn it. They put Kirk Douglas still on TV. Oh my God. Stroke. I don't think a stroke is anything to laugh at. I'm saying that like, that's when you don't perform on television anymore. Why are you on television? Yeah. I mean, there are days when they don't do my hair right and I don't want to be on television. Right. You know when the hair lady fucks it up, you're like, I don't really want to be on TV looking like this.

But to have a straw and the audacity? Oh, my God. Is he dead yet? Is he dead? Thank God. Get the fuck out of here, Dick Clark. He was really bad. I wish I had a...

Clip of him speaking. What a narcissist. That Dick Clark was such a narcissist. And people bought into that phony bullshit. America just ate that up. He was like, New Year's robbery. Like, he's the lamest fucking guy. He was terrible. Yeah, he's real funny. Is this when he was...

Doing it still? I think he was still doing it after a year. It's my honor to welcome back right now Mr. Dick Clark. Dick? Thank you, Ryan. I'm glad to be back with you again. This is my 37th year at Times Square. The party, it's for you and me. Are you ready?

What the fuck are you saying right now? You know who I would prefer hosting it? It's the lady with foreign accent syndrome. Oh, yeah. I'd rather listen to her. I saw New Year's Rockin' the Evo. Yeah, do it to her.

Put on your party dress. It's a New Year's Eve. This is a new year for everybody. You celebrate. We got countdown. Ten. Nine. Ten. Seven. Six. Five. Three. Two. One.

Honestly, I watch television. I try to watch it. It's un-fucking-watchable. I feel like network television, at least, is such garbage. It's such a garbage dump. I have not actually heard my voice in a conversation for nearly three years now. Three years now. Oh, three years now. Yeah, I mean, this guy...

It was just to me, what's even funnier is how fired up you were about this show and how you're going to watch. The only one who misses you, Mike, you should come back to work. Are you forgetting why I left the rolling chair thing? Do you spend your time worrying about the worst case scenario? And it actually happens. You've lived it twice. And with that, I leave you the same way I have every night for the last 11 years. Stand for New York. Nightly News is next. Come on, just think about it.

it's so maddening this is and this is what the network's put on as opposed to anybody else working in comedy right now any one of our friends we've had on this show would make a better tv show than this fucking shit pile uh michael j fox crap isn't it isn't it like absurd it is absurd it is absurd it's maddening and we pitch shows constantly and they're like no but no

knows you guys everybody loves michael j we know that's exactly the sentiment we know old shaky jeans but we don't know you like so he's familiar and that's why 100 makes me want to give up coming this fall to cbs stephen hawking your favorite dad and scientist dad come in what's that dad

This, the Parmesan needed to coming this fall. My favorite wheelchair dad. Um, so awful. And if it's successful, it's going to spawn more series of like people that we don't watch anymore. Coming back. Dying people. Yeah. Like the sick and dying sitcom genre. Uh,

We have to watch fucking fat Kirstie Alley come back. Didn't they try to do that when she loses weight, she gains weight? They tried that last time where she was like, I'm a fat actress. And the thing was like, I'm the fat fucking pig. I'm super fucking fat. Right. You remember her before she got fat. But now she's back and she's fatter than ever. How many calories are in this?

Watch her get even fatter this season. You know... On Fat Fucking Pig. I love it. Who do we bring back? I like the love boat. Remember when Julie, the stewardess or whatever, Julie was all coked up back in the 80s? Like, we bring back Julie now. You know... And she's all fucking dead and sick looking. I like when guys are bloated and boozing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who I really liked? Was the guy... He was on the first Dr. Drew rehab show. And he was in Greece. And...

He's dead now. Yeah, he's dead. But if he hadn't died and he was real angry and like on a lot of pills and in a chair, everything hurts. So funny. Him on... And then he would cry too. Oh.

That would be a funny show. I'd watch that. And like, they just keep pumping him full of drugs every episode. Yeah. And then they do the next episode where they put him in withdrawal. He's like, I said, give me the fucking coffee. And he's vomiting on himself all rageful. Yo, fucking cunts. I was in Greece.

Yeah, or if the, or if, what I would love to see is like everybody that was on those 80s shows with severe drug problems now. Yeah. Like the cast of Different Strokes, if they were all alive, would be fantastic now. Yeah. That's what they're going to do. That's the next step. Taking like the facts of life, bringing 2D and, and,

Fat fucking... What's her name? Fruity and Rudy. Fruity and Rudy jeans. And they all come back. And Blair is fat and old now. And Natalie is just a thousand pounds in a wheelchair. Mrs. Garrett's long dead. But they still have her dead body there. And they stick dildos in it when they walk by.

Wait a minute. Her dead body is on the kitchen table. When they have an argument, they have to fuck it with a dildo.

Wait, that's not for network TV. Yeah, and they fuck it with a dildo. Okay. With a mouth strap dildo. Wait, wait. Wait, but is Tootie on roller skates? Yes. She has to wear the roller skates. And she has heel-dos on. Oh, I like those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are dildos on the back of your heels. No, I got it. Thank you. I figured it out.

I put that together. Or chill those. Or why don't we do Fantasy Island? That midget's dead. You know, the guy Herbie Villachess. All the midgets died. The only midget alive is Webster. He's still alive. Yeah, because... Emmanuel Lewis. What you talking about, Willis, is dead. Dead. Emmanuel Lewis is alive.

Let's get a sitcom. Why doesn't he have one? Hey, you little black, cute son of a bitch. You remember how cute and black and little he was. He's still black and little. They could do, the promo for that could be like, blacks are the cutest when they're small. And guess who never grew up?

It's your favorite little black cute kid. He's a human puppy. He's 48. Yeah.

What's the premise of his show? Well, it was Mammy George. Everyone's like, you're an adorable... No, his new premise is like, everybody's like, I want to adopt a black kid. And he's like, I think I could trick them into thinking of him. Wait, because he's been unemployed for so long that now he needs to get readopted by another white family. Another white family. And he has to pretend to be a kid. And so now it's trendy. It's super trendy. Oh, right, right. So he sneaks in. I love this. He gets a...

a flight to Namibia and then he sneaks into an African orphanage. Oh, I like it. Yeah. And then, like, he has so many adult vices that, like, he smokes and watches porn. Yeah.

And he has to hide the vices all the time. And then this family, a rich white family, comes to adopt an African kid. And he just knows how to like... Cute it up. Cute it up for them. So he like bats his eyes. And he says like catchphrases to like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're like, oh, he's so cute in black.

and black. And they see him smoking and they go, you're smoking? And he thinks that he's fucked, but he's like, I watch American movies. And they're like, it's our fault. And they feel bad that they got him. He's like that smoking kid in Asia. That baby. He's pretty fat now. He is fat. He's not getting the nutrition he needs. His belly's so distended and swollen from hunger. He's like, yeah, that's exactly right.

And then they bring him back to America. Yeah, and he's got bitches coming in and out of his womb that he's got. So the whole premise is that now he's got to live his awful adult life, like his degenerate adult life. Yeah. He's basically Red Band. He's Red Band. Right. People call him to collect debts. They're like, where the fuck are you?

And he tells them, like, to me, he's like, they're like, how'd you get this house? And you do have money. He's like, nah, man, I got it tapped in. Nah, man. He talks like that. I'm 11 years old, man. I would watch every episode. And what do we call it? New Webster? Or? This is, it's called, This is Your Last Rendezvous. This is your last rendezvous. No.

Your last rendezvous starring Webster. We got to pitch this. We got to remix every old sitcom. Here's how we walk in. We walk in and the studio's looking at us. We go, what's cuter than a black kid? Before they get attitude, what's the cutest thing? And they're like, yeah, black kids are the cutest. Webster, he's back. He's blacker and cuter than ever. He's an African kid. He gets adopted.

Give us six seasons. Go. And they'll be like, absolutely. You know what? Webster is the cutest. You're right. We all loved Webster. You loved him in the 80s. You're going to love him in 2013. I love pitching him this idea as a...

where we can really push it. So funny. This show on Showtime or HBO. The best show on television. For sure. God, why do we say this on air? We need to write this down. This is just like our other movie idea. I know. You know what we should do is start programming an entire network with all of our awesome ideas. It is. But they all revolve around making fun of black people. Webster, what do you think of... It's your last rendezvous. Do you like it? Wait.

We have to spread it out. We have to mix it up. Oh, and porn stars. We like to make fun of girls who are high and giving blowjobs for money. Yes. We like porn stuff. We like porn sounds. I think of all the sounds we've been playing, I like this one the most lately. Oh, my gosh. It's really nice. I gotta pee real bad. All right. That is our show.

A big shout out. Hopefully I will see Mr. Hazardous this weekend. This is a song, I Don't Wanna Lose Ya, from his LP, Dangerous Goods. Hazardous, everybody in TDOT, I hope I'm seeing you as I'm in Toronto. Anyways, thank you guys for listening.

Have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We'll be right back.

The forgiveness We all know real hip hop ain't on the radio Cause if it was this year surely they'd be playing yo Not being egotistical that's just how I feel We could be successful without signing a deal Fuck the glitz and glamour it's all about the love That we have for this art form it's like a drug Squad up stand strong as a unified force Keep this momentum going and throw the fake off course

I

I don't want to lose you if I did. I'd be bored as shit. I'd no longer be recording it. I need it like a fix. I'm hooked like a chorus on this hip-hop shit. My mic grips a cobra's like Nora. My Jones goes deep into the bones. A beat plus a pen and pad, I get into a zone. Turntables, a mixer and a crate of vinyl. Chop it up

with faders and dials sampling from obscure sources and dusty ones produce rhythm patterns with fat and crunchy drums record the vocals mix and master in the sound insane studio I'm a disc crafter and sorta like a pastor on the mic master foresight clown rappers have me laughing all night they don't treat her with respect but I do so I'll never lose her the next room here is where I do her

I don't want to lose you.