BLIND DATE GONE WRONG! -You Should Know Podcast-
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I'm sending my brother money directly to his bank account in India because he's apparently too busy practicing his karaoke to go pick up cash. Thankfully, I can still send money his way. Direct to my bank account.

Yes, I know I'm sending to your bank account. Western Union, send it their way. Send money in-store directly to their bank account in India. Services offered by Western Union Financial Services, Inc., NMLS number 906983, or Western Union International Services, LLC, NMLS number 906985, licensed as money transmitters by the New York State Department of Financial Services. See terms for details. The You Should Know Podcast. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You Should Know Podcast, episode 113. Round of applause, please.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Hey everybody, welcome back to the You Should Know Podcast, episode 113. We are 11 days away from our first show in Boulder, Colorado. Few tickets left, but we want it to be packed out in every single show we go to, every single city we go to. We cannot wait to get on the road to do this tour, to wrap it up. Again, we are not going to do another show until 2025, and we are 11 days away from that first show. Oh my God, the excitement here at the You Should Know team to touch all of you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Good morning. Just like shake hands is what we meant. Good morning to you. We love you. So get your tickets. First link at the top of the description. We love you. If you are new here, if you haven't already and you look below, you can see that subscribe button. Is it pressed? You are wrong. If you look even more below that and you see a comment section that fulfills with your name, guess what? You're even more on going to fill that out. We're going to a million subscribers by the end of the year. With the power of you, we can do it. We love you guys so much. We cannot wait to see all you in 11 days. Now on to the rest of the episode.

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We got co-host Cam back in the studio! Oh, it's a peaceful entrance this time. Um... Imagine... Um... I used to try to do that as a kid. Never felt anything. Meditate. Never felt it. Adult? It's like... I was gonna say something crazy. It's sad? Sex for the mind, but... Oh. So good. I like how you're starting off spicy. To sit there and just really think. And really just kind of...

I can't meditate. So one thing about me, I've tried to. Anxiety.

I can't meditate the anxiety. The brain is like a pinball machine of negativity. I'm like, right now there's a scorpion going up my tail end right now and it's going to poke me. It's going to go in there and it's going to feel my lower intestine, play with my lower lumbar. Good morning to you. If a scorpion was inside of you playing piano on your L4, you might as well die. What's the worst bug to have crawl in you? Uh,

unwarranted. That old ancient Egyptian scarab, I believe it's called, or something like that, from the mummy films. You are fun at parties. You are the guy that brings a guitar to the party. That's who Cam is. I bring a guitar. I bring luggage. Yeah, you bring guitars to parties and you're trying to serenade people, but everyone's like, get this freak out of here. I bring guitars to a party that I'm sipping on like a smearing off ice. A red apple ale. Oh my...

They're all right. I'm not going to lie. Red's is like one of the wine coolers, one of the little sippy joints that I never had. First time I did it, I was like, yo, this is literally adult apple juice. Yeah, I'll tongue punch an apple ale. I will absolutely gargle a Red's apple ale. You know, I read a thing about goats.

whenever I was coming to the studio today. I've been on an animal kick. So if a lot of the things I bring up are animals, I've been watching the animal planet like I'm going to start a zoo. You know what I mean? I learned, and now I hope no creeps that are listening or watching to this take this and go home with it and try to do their own research because you belong under the prison if you do. You're scaring me now. Goats. Okay. They're adorable. They got the same muffins as humans. What did you just say?

What did you just say? Found out goats got the same bison. Good old same chicken meat. They got that same platypus. A goat has a platypus of sand drug. Yeah. Where are you finding these? Online, you can find anything. Anything that tantalizes your mind, you can find something to heal you. Okay, excuse me, koalas, and excuse me, just YSK fam. Yeah. Who figured that out? It has to be asked. It has to be asked.

Who the hell figured that out? Who was looking at a goat and said, it's been a long day. I don't like how CJ's noting down something we said. Goats have the same muffins. Goats have the same hoo-hahs as a female. As a human being. Who saw a goat and lit a candle? Who saw a goat and put on Keith's sweat?

Putting on key sweat, the livestock is nuts. Oh, my. What the hell? I just thought I should share that information. There's a lot of things I'm learning. A lot of things you should keep inside. Internalize the piss out of that one next time.

I'm the guy that's fun at parties. You're the guy that gets escorted by the rest of the guys out. They're like, hey, he's got to go. You're just like, dude, what? Goats got the same box as females, man. Wait, you know what's animal planning? They're like, get him out of here. There had to be a couple goats at P. Diddy's parties. I try to meditate. All right. Speaking on goats. Okay. I have a would you rather for you. Oh, God, Cam. Oh.

No, not in that same context. Not in that same context. The human. I'm like, would you Ruby Rose? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We're going off the track. We're going to get a call from the sponsors. Here we go. Here we go. Good morning. Would you rather be able to control all four elements? Earth, wind, fire. So I'm Aang. Water. You're Aang. You're Aang with hair and not a cool forehead arrow tattoo. Thought about it. Anyway, would you rather be able to...

If I ever had a forehead arrow tattoo? If I ever had a due date, I'd get one. What? You'd go bald and get a size 130 font arrow right there. I don't think you understand it. What are you saying? What are you saying? I don't know if that can go in. What are you saying to me? What am I not getting? If I had a due date. I get it. The hair would be gone. I would get one. You'd get the... Yeah, because why not?

Thank God, rest your soul. Okay, would you rather be able to control all four elements, earth, fire, wind, water? Yes. Or control all animals? Oh, oh no, I would definitely control animals. Because I'm not responsible. You are not Steve Irwin. He was a father figure to us all. I don't give a damn. There's no way you're picking animals over the elements of the earth. Because that's too much...

and I am bad with responsibility. I'm not saying you gotta throw a rain cloud over St. Louis. I'm saying you can control it whenever you want to. No, I'm saying big tsunami over there in Japan. That's where they have those, right? Is that racist? They have them everywhere. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I just remember the last tsunami I heard about was over there. Okay, there's a big tsunami in Japan. They call Peyton Hart and they're like, hey, I need you to slow that down. I'm like, I got to get on a flight. You're not a vigilante. You don't become a superhero with your tower and your globe light. With great responsibility comes great power. All right, Uncle Ben.

Alright, Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben got murked. He did. I'm saying you have the power within you. No one else knows. Okay. You can control all elements or all animals. Like, do you think you'd be able to beat me in a battle if you could control all animals and I can control the elements of the world? I would call my hippo posse and I'd be like, we got a problem down here in Dallas. Okay. What do you think would happen? They'd get you. Sinkhole. They're gone forever. They're burning in magma. Kim.

Are snakes animals? Yeah. Okay. That's a bad question. Horrible question. Okay, but you would be so messed up. Falcons, hawks, snakes, scorpions, hippos. Tornado. Tornado earthquake flood. Okay, but how much? Tornado earthquake flood. Okay, but you can't do that here. Say we're right here. I control it. But say we're right here. I can control an earthquake and I can control a tornado. You can't control... Oh, so your birds are going to go, let's go get that...

They just get sucked up. They're gone. Your hippos, oh, go get them. Okay, okay, that's fine. That's fine. They fall down on the earth. You call a tsunami over, I have shark friends finding Nemo. And they're coming to get you. They're like, oh, we're accelerating the stream. Oh, they're accelerating the wrong way because now I flipped the tsunami back to the water, dumbass. Okay, but you had so much responsibility at one point. That's so much responsibility. But if we had to battle to the death and we're just in the streets of Dallas, you can control all that. What are you going to call it? A city bird?

Hey, go peck the shit out of that guy. City birds are the most vicious birds. And I go like this. Wind gone. He's going to go right into a building. That's fine. Snap. That's fine. Even if you win the battle, I win the war. Because guess what? You have a dog, right? Aren't you Theodore Roosevelt? You have a dog, right? Yeah. All right. So you win that battle. As soon as you go home, you want to snuggle Ruby. She takes your goddamn tongue out of your mouth. If Ruby could even get close enough to my mouth without me being able to just go... Oh, God.

Oh. I would never. I love my dog. I'm really engulfed into this scenario, people. I'm sorry. I would never. But if I... Ruby. But you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. She comes... You know how you like to do that weird thing where you mouth her snout? Does she... He mouths... You mouth her snout. I did that one time as a joke for you. You mouthed her snout one time. I said, you know what? You're licking too much. How do you like...

Discord! Discord, baby! Okay, I'm saying, you go to mouth her snout, she's taking your tongue and your molars. She's... Okay. She's gonna act like the dentist from last episode. You can control the animal. You don't have this super serum inside of her. She's still a nine-pound, crooked, chubby, adorable chawini. She can just become a saber-toothed tiger. You're like, she takes your molars. I'd go, get the f*** off me. I'd be like, get off me! And she'd go, you could be like, attack your father with all your might. And she'd be like,

Okay, that's that's a good would you and you're gonna sit in your house and I'm gonna go let's see Let's start a fire on the first floor. Let's go tornado. I don't think that's how it works. I

I control elements. That are already existing. Did I say that or did you add your own loophole? I control fire, water, earth, wind. Earth, fire, water, wind. So that means I can just have a giraffe come up here right now. Yes. That's not good. It should be what's around you. Okay. So you can do an earthquake. So I can do an earthquake and a tornado. Yes. You can get pit bulls to chase me. Good luck. Good luck. Oh, oh, oh.

Gone forever. I'm not going to lie. I might have lost that one. Yeah. I might have lost it. That's a good one. Would you rather? But you set me up for failure. You set yourself up for failure. You had first pick. The You Should Know Podcast.

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dot com slash YSK. That's rocket money dot com slash YSK. One more time for you. It's rocket money dot com slash YSK. Now on to the rest of the episode. If you can control like the elements and like water in the ocean, does that mean you can control the Internet?

That's not an element of the earth. That's not one of the four states. No, because the Wi-Fi is in the water. That's what I always heard. What are you saying? That's what I was told once a time ago. Once a time ago, that's what you heard? Dead ass. I was reading comments when everybody was making fun of me, and they said that there's wires under the ocean where the internet's at. BP oil spill. Obama's... That happened under him, yes? And it messed up the Wi-Fi a little bit. Our internet is underwater? I'm actually pretty confident in saying that. That I've heard that there's wires...

So you're saying that you heard that. That's fine. No one gets demerits for hearing something. The validity is where you're going to get struck. No, I'm saying, well, I can't, I can't, I can't really rebuttal on that, but I've, I was told, can you look that up CJ? Do you believe that? Can you look that up? I do believe it because where else would the internet go? Above water. Actually anywhere above water. Hey, go home, throw water on your PC. Is it going to work?

That's not what I mean. You can't Google Chrome under the ocean, but I'm saying the power of the internet is under the ocean is what I've heard. Thank you! I told you! Since when do we have water Wi-Fi? When can we open up QuickBooks and get our accounting right in the middle of the sea?

So when the hell did that become a thing? I'm telling you, I know some shit. I thought every country just had their own shit. Like, Russia had Russian Wi-Fi and internet and electricity. So why isn't all the wars about water? It seems like the water is pretty powerful. Land is where you make money. Water is where the Wi-Fi is. The world's controlled by Wi-Fi. But we still have our own power grids and stuff. You can control the Wi-Fi. What if we cut off power? I genuinely don't understand that much. War frightens me, honestly.

Could you imagine, like, if we were teenagers in the other countries when we invaded? Yeah. Like World War II. Yeah. That's terrifying. Don't know what that was about. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about the World Wars. It's always confused me. The assassination of French Archduke or whatever his name was. Whatever the hell. I said this, I think, on Patreon, but Abraham Lincoln would have been fired in, like, the 2000s. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Abraham Lincoln would have been in a G-unit music video. Abraham Lincoln would have been on some Comedy Central Rose Battles. He definitely would have had a nice hat, jackass. He's like, four schools ago, your mother was slurping. I'm saying in the comedy roast. Because he's still going to talk out his mouth. I thought you just meant... No, but he's going to be roasting if someone made fun of his hat. Abe Lincoln would have been...

He would have been appreciated by the culture. He would have been on some t-shirts. He would have had a great after party. Oh my God. He would have been like, try the moonshine, Charles. He would have been in a nice suit and he's on this patio and he's like, beautiful day. That's how Avalon could be the shit. You know, until I was about 12 years old, I thought Martin Luther King was a president.

That's a genuine fact. You want to know what's sad? I think so many people thought that. I think so. That reminds me of that little girl meme. She's like, it's Martin Luther King Day. What did he do? He saved us from our sins. She was like, he cleansed our sins. Bro, no, I think a lot of people thought LK Jr. was a... Let's talk with some respect here now. He's the reason you're here today. And Mel K...

I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to say it. No, but Martin Luther King definitely goes down on my Mount Rushmore of people. For me. Martin Luther King, LeBron. Hey, bro, you don't have to. I'm not trying to backpack your sorrows and fit in. Hey, is it? I have a beautiful wife. Thanks to him. I saw this on Twitter, but Mount Rushmore is like the biggest writing of all time. What do you mean? Like a man went up there and carved four men's faces.

Like that's crazy. That's the biggest glazing ever in the world. Oh my god. Like he was like, how have I never thought of that? He got every detail. He said, don't move. When was Mount Rushmore made?

Is that a pyramid thing as well, like aliens? Okay. Isn't there a conspiracy about Mount Rushmore? I don't think it. I don't think so. I think they have ladders and little hooks, kind of like a wall art in Dallas. Was that just— Like that 90-foot little Nas X that's been staring at us for four months. It's kind of like that guy. But instead of just screen printing something, he literally was like, talk about the skill, though. Talk about the skill. Was that machines or man? That was man. When was it made? 2020.

How many? 1927? Oh, we were free. There were some machines. Always confused about that.

I mean, not fully. Free, but not integrated. Not integrated. Okay. Yeah, we had different water fountains. Yeah. Mount Rushmore is the biggest glazing of all time. Biggest glazing of all time. Holy shit. That's so funny. Like, imagine. Like, was that... I wonder if that was government sanctioned or that guy was just like a big fan. But why don't we... Why don't we... If he was just a solo guy that owned the mountain, he's like, I love these four fountains. And he's just climbing up there. Bro. Bro.

Okay. Do you think... Sorry, can I say just one thing? Harnesses are like one of my greatest guilty pleasures because it hurts, but it's also a little fun. It jiggles it around, but keeps it a little, you know what I mean? That's all I have to say. So you love a good gravity rope at Main Event. Oh my God. You love it. You're sitting there. I'm like, anybody else want to rock climb? It's like seven days in a row. They're like, no. You're like, all right.

That was my favorite toy as a kid whenever I was learning how to walk. No, you know those little bouncy things they put you in? You've been strange since the jump. Yeah, that's why all my underwear are so tight. They do right up. And we have the same underwear sometimes. Not the same pair, but like same brand. Yeah. Mine are fine. Yeah. Yours always end up real close to home. Yeah, it turns into a thong in about two to three businesses. I'm starting to think you're like, all right, hold on, I'm going to pee, y'all. You're just like...

What would you do if I was fixing something in the studio and I bit over and I had a thong on? Honestly, what would you do? If you bit over and you had an actual thong on. Yeah. Like a little stringy John. Yeah. That'd be tough. I'd have to document it. I'd try to document it without you knowing and then I'd probably just...

Absolutely fire your ass up. So you... I think concern would set in before anything. Yes. That's no doubt. But it's kind of sad that I wouldn't be too surprised. Like, I wouldn't be too caught off guard if you just had a beautiful red pair of panties on. Okay, but what if it was during a live show? Now we're... And we're on stage and that's when you noticed it. At that point, I'm cooking with grease. I am... It's going to be a six-minute monologue of me and you just...

No, not you. Just me in the crowd flaming you. So you wouldn't talk? I would demand you to pull your pants down and take your shirt off. You wouldn't talk to me during intermission and be like, hey bro, I saw that and I'm going to talk about it? You would just straight up talk? What if it's a personal thing? I wouldn't even look at you in intermission. I would avoid you. I'd say, I hope he remembers this shit. I can't talk. I'd go right back out and still be like, red pant. It'd be like a roast session at that point. That's fair. If you had a red thong. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. What were you saying? I don't even know. I don't even know anymore. Oh, do you think they would ever change Mount Rushmore? No. Or is that like, that's stuck? No.

Like solidified, never can... Holy shit! What? Is Mount Rushmore actually real? Name three people you know that have seen it in person. No one.

Erosion is a thing. Erosion is a thing. They probably do some things to protect it. Oh, they probably manufacture it. They probably embalm it a little bit, put like Aquaphor on it. Like Vaseline. A little bit of cocoa butter. There's like... They're like Abe's looking a little ashy today. Let me put some... Is he on it? I believe so. It's him and three whites. Oh, Abraham Lincoln and his wife. They're all white, yeah. Hey, you love Abe. I'm telling you. Uncle Abe. Yeah. What's the four on it?

It is George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. Those are four bad. I don't know much about either of them. I think I couldn't tell you much either. I couldn't tell you. George had the crazy grill. Oh, yeah. He had like slave teeth in his mouth. Wood. Yeah. Yeah, it's a sick. Nasty times. Yeah. Nasty man. I don't even want to touch on that. I don't even want to go on that. I have a question for you. I have an answer for you, baby daddy.

I like that. You broke them. A little too much. Jeans lifted. What are you looking at? I just saw what you were looking at. Jeans lifted a little bit. Don't look at my camel. They became high waters out of a sudden. Don't look at my camel. These jeans are perfect. You got a goat bison. Okay, hello. What's an appropriate, like, when can you fart in a relationship? Like, what's an appropriate timetable on that? Okay, ideally, I can get it out fourth date and be confident. Fourth? But...

What are you budding? Why are you budding? Fourth is already insane. There was a time. No, you didn't. I met a girl. First date. No, you didn't. First date. And I never go for front hugs first date because I don't want crotch to leg and I don't want titty to chest. It's too intimate and it makes me uncomfortable. But she was shorter than me and I guess she had like an iron bra or something. And it stabbed me.

And I get nervous guts anyway, you know what I mean? No, you don't. And it was one of those ones where you might stick two fingers and check on yourself, you know what I mean? And you got to go wash your hands after that one. You sit down, it's a little muddy. No, no, no, no. And the way that one... No, no! This was your first time hugging her ever? Yeah, in the restaurant, like, I was waiting for her at the table, so we were around where we were going to dine for the evening. I stood up, and I said, oh, my God.

You're thinking, no, this cannot be. She put her Teflon bra in my stomach and it released some bowels. Silence. 20 seconds. You know how long 20 seconds of silence is when you first meet somebody? You front hugged a young woman. Well, same age. We were like 21. As she's connecting with you, all she can hear on the back end. No, it was one of those ones where if you were to get a whoopee cushion and fill it with water and stomp on it. Wee, wee, wee.

No, you f***ing know you did not. What? How? Oh my God, how did the date go? There's no, there's no way she appreciated your company after that. There's no, but did she stay? Oh yeah, she's the same. She drove 45 minutes. Oh my God, she drove 45 minutes and you shit on her right when you meet her.

No! No! She did not deserve that. Oh, no, but neither did I. Now she's eating Caesar salad inside a pink eye, just cruising. I didn't tell her to penetrate my sternum. Okay, yeah, what kind of bra was she wearing? I don't know, but she could have been a Viking in 1812 and survived. Vikings were way before that. Way before that. Way before that. She would have been the main character of Troy with that bra on. Okay. Oh, no. She would have won a mean joust with that one on.

What is she- does she work at medieval times? Is she in uniform? You're acting like this bitch had full blown like a chain link armor on. It felt like it or she had some sharp nipples. Alright, I'm so sorry. I have two questions. Okay.

Did you actually go to the bathroom afterwards? Oh, yes, but I waited for the water to come and about three to four minutes of conversation because at some point I was nervous about the eskrim in my drawers. No shit, as you should. Because I have sweaty ass syndrome. I get ass sweats when I'm nervous. She wants me, she'll have me. You know what I mean? I get ass sweats. You share a bed with me, you're going to wake up with maybe a fungus. Hello, good morning to you.

So now that you told me that, what the hell? What was the icebreaker into the conversation? You stand up. You go, hey, how's it going? And then you go, oh, you want to wait for the water? How do you transition back to talking? There's not much you can say to save yourself at that point. You get stiff as a board. As soon as that happened to me, I said, oh, deadass. It was like this. No, you didn't. He said.

It's one of those is like, you know, what can you say? You know what I mean? What can you do about that one? Oh my god. I can only imagine just like roles reversed. You hug a grown girl. She's like, I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, get out of here. Buy your own chili. And she wasn't one of the cool girls that's like laugh. And you know, the messed up part about me is if she would have like tried to make me feel better and shit herself, I'd be like, you nasty.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. You just tore your ACL. Oh, my God. That's so... At least I'm honest. Oh, okay. But I have a question, too. Piggybacking off of that. You've never really experienced this, bro. Because you got committed to a relationship, you know, your first one, which is great. It's not my first one. Stop saying that.

First time you got feelings. Not first one. First good, long-tenured one. Yes, I was like, damn. There's no basketball team around. The You Should Know Podcast.

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ultra soft what am I supposed to do I love Kleenex and I've been dealing with some allergy symptoms you know that I'm a sniffly guy and and it helps a lot thank you to Kleenex for sending Kleenex ultra soft tissues and I love the fact that they're hypoallergenic it's so it's like a little it's like a little beautiful little blanket for your nose for this allergy season grab Kleenex and face allergies head on now on to the rest of the episode you never experience this but I know a lot of guys and a lot of girls go through this when they take their first vacation right I

I experienced that. Or you... No, actually not first... How the f*** do you think I don't experience that? What? No, because you had time with your girl before. You spent years with her as friends. Not first vacation, but the first time you stay at your significant other's house. Okay. What's the poop situation? How do you go about that? Because I have almost had to go to the hospital after staying at a girl's house or her staying at mine. So you clogged your intestines for the sake of this meetup? Hey, Kim. Ooh. When I poop...

Mute this. It's like... No, your shits are absolutely... They are energy sucking. Like, they take... They literally bring your mood two notches down. Yeah, so... If you're rocking at a nine, feeling the vibe, if I smell your poop, I'm immediately at a seven. Slightly above mediocre. Like, I'm barely making it through. Oh!

I damn near want to leave at this point. But you know me. I'm almost so blunt when it comes to stuff like that. It's almost like I'm ignorant. It's like I'm a serial killer almost. I will literally poop. I will tell you I'm going to poop after I shake your hand.

I'll be like, hey, what's up, man? I got to go poop. I'll be right back, though. I'll make sure to wash. And I'll go and do it. Because, okay, but when you poop, you sometimes have okay poops to where it's not, you know, you can hide. Yeah, I don't have to turn on a mixtape. You're sitting there making sure no one can hear you. My code name in the bathroom is Oppenheimer. Like, I make bombs. You know what I mean?

And so I've had girls over, and they're like, I'm going to stay for four days. And I'm like, oh, I'd love to. Four days, I'd really like this girl. On that fifth day, you're getting your stomach upset.

There's been times I've literally curled up on day four and I'm like, I need you to leave. I haven't said that, but in my head I'm like, hey, I got a meeting or something. Oh my God, you're like forcing her out with like anger. Yeah. She's like, this has been so fun. You're like, get the f*** out. She's like, just get out, get out! I can name at least... The second she leaves, you're like... Oh, that's a good one. Whenever you're needing your stomach, you've had to...

You've had to pizza dough your own stomach. You don't pizza dough your stomach. You've never had one of those where it's hard to get out. Poop talk. We're back. Where you're like, right here, that's my move. Oh, it feels good now. I could get one out now. I could light this whole room up. You use your elbows to aid your poop.

Well, my stomach is lined with McRibs. So, you know what I mean? The digestive tract is begging for help. I've, honest to God, I have never even thought of that. Let alone, I haven't even, that's never even been an imagination. A comprehension. I can't even see that. So, you've never spotted yourself? You go like this. Yeah. You're cooking a little stuff. No, it's down. It's down. You're rubbing it down. You've never spotted yourself on the toilet? The most I do is get on my tippy toes and blow really hard out. I literally go...

It just kind of falls out of me. No, I've... You've spotted yourself. You've bald eagle. Oh, yeah, you're just like one of those right there. What? A whole Thanksgiving turkey could go up that, how open I am. I'm so sorry, dude. Your insides are probably screaming. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. I think the funniest movie that could ever possibly be made...

The movie Inside Out? But in your brain. Oh my god. What would it be? Oh my god, there'd be so many things wrong with it. Your main character, your main character would be in a gray hoodie like this. No! I never thought of that. Oh my god, your alter ego, the little f***er that finds all these weird thoughts and be running around. Hey, this isn't real life, y'all. We're in a simulation. And he's just running by. And then your main guy is like, I'm cold.

Oh, wait, what would your... Name my character. Oh, I don't know the names, but it'd be like Sorrow, and then like Creativity would be the little weird shit with the clipboard running around. Um...

It's like logic. Logic would be a good one for you, but it's like always getting picked on. It's like always getting hit from the creativity and hit from the low minutes. It's like he's on the command ship. He's trying to work and he's getting bullied and shit. Your anger is like a passive anger. It's like a little guy, but when you finally get angry, he grows to like eight feet and he's just like, move, and he moves everybody.

Oh my god. Oh, Payton Inside Out would be a fantastic film. Oh my god, but oh, if they got on that elevator and they went down, they'd see a nasty place. It'd be like slums. It'd be like nasty, just dirty, like milky slums. They'd be like, what the f*** is this place? And then you'd be like,

You're a little intestine character. You're a little guy that controls your shit. He's like, he's not a real guy. He's like a... So, okay, work with me. I'm here. They go down the elevator. Yeah, I'm in the stomach. Logic, creativity, knowledge, they're all working. Anger, they're all going down, right? They go. Immediately, they're like... Okay. So then, they start traversing through this disgusting place, right? And it's just brown everywhere. Dude, it's wasteland. But then, out of one of the walls, out of one of the walls, dude, I go...

He like self-forms out of a wall with two eyes. And he goes, it's going to be a while. He goes back. He's literally like this. They're walking. They're like, what the hell is this place? He's like, you don't want to know. And he comes back. He's like, we haven't had a vitamin in three years. They're so bad. They're just dead and poisoned. Oh, my ribs. My ribs. It's a little gravy.

It's a little graveyard in the corner there. They're all dead. There's like it's all skeletons, but they all have name tags It's like b12 vitamin D in the corner Oh my god, I need to go hire an animated artist shit. Oh my god if anybody knows anyone please make that for me Oh, you know, it's funny though. Oh, you're roasting me. Oh, mine would be why no stand up. Oh

What do you mean? Face the middle camera. No, pull them shorts down. Pull them pants down a little bit. Show them them drawers. What about them? Show them the drawers. From behind. Oh, they're the tri-colored ones? No. There's a big streak down the middle of that sweat. Oh, there is? And I'm a little cakey.

I stopped by the baker. I am absolutely wet. Have you ever walked by the mirror and turned yourself on? What are you saying? What are you saying? You've pleasured yourself? No. Just turned yourself on. Yeah, like you walk by butt naked. Are you clothed? Oh, you're butt naked? How about say you're like, that's a damn good jacket. And you're like feeling yourself? And it's almost like it's somebody else? And you're like, that's not it. You've been alone for too long.

turning yourself on. You've never walked past a mirror and been like, oh shit. I'll walk past and I'll be like, damn, looking good. And then I walk right out. And then your head gets a little light. Why do I feel like you're having a whole conversation? No, you'll look at yourself. You're like, do you feel your nipples? Nah, I'm not trying to complete a mission here. No, I'm not. No, it's just like you walk past yourself. You're hanging a little lower than usual. You're freshly trimmed.

The bushes are gone, the trees looking bigger. And, oh my God, okay, the time it happened, I was out of the shower, and I love myself wet. And I have great down lighting in my bathroom. And so I was, it was like, we could have filmed something in there. You know what I mean? You definitely struck a Randy Orton. You got out and you said... No, I'm telling you, you go, you're like sizing yourself up. You're like...

No, I don't look good open because the pits are like drapes. Oh my god. No, but like, and your head gets a little light when you look at it. What does that mean? The blood's leaving it. It's traveling south. Extendo clip, extendo draws. Did your girl leave me? Oh my god. I swear this will be the last one, but when you do that, your little creepy guy, he comes out and he's just like...

His name's Sensual. His name's Sensual. You start looking at yourself, he's like, it's my turn. He clears it out and he's just like, starts going like that right at the command center. Oh. Oh. That is a... You turned yourself on. I have. I have. It was during a dry streak, but anything could have done it. You know what I mean?

Anything? Anything. Like that goat talk? No, no, that's sick. Speaking of animals, right, I told you a lot of the things I'm gonna- God, you've been watching too much Animal Planet. You've spilt another beverage. Hold on. Can I fix my shit? Go for it. Fix your webbing. Oh, oh, oh. It was like a whack-a-mole. You said- You definitely said whack-a-mole with an H in there. You said whack-a-mole. I almost choked on a loogie. I almost choked on snot. Okay. Okay.

A lot of things I was dreaming about... What are you saying?! A lot of things I was dreaming about... You said a lot of things I was dreaming about... It wasn't even you! Oh... Okay, I need to take a sip. I've been having a sore tongue recently. I don't know what that's from. The back of your tongue is sore? Happens... I think I slurped... Oh! Discord back! 1-1! Are you chewing on marbles when you have a sore tongue?

My god Shut up. Oh My what's that? That was like what it was like a that was like a ruler of spit It was like one 12-inch like thick what do you think I've completed but thank God for Kleenex. I've never learned I've never learned about my nose. No, he's grossed me out. Oh

I didn't want a plate of that shit. Oh my god. I'm more of a dabber and wiper. I snot rock it when I need to be really clear. You did it two episodes ago. Some white boy shit. That's what? That's what? Alright, let me see you blow your nose. I can't. Exactly. I feel like I'll bleed. Can you please blow your nose? I think that'd be great.

Please try it. It's a lot of mouth when I do it. It should be none. Wait, all that noise y'all make when y'all blow y'all's noses is y'all's nose? Yeah. Holy shit. Y'all are like little trumpets in the nasal. Just clean up. Oh, oh, oh no. Oh no. Your shorts are so crooked. They're so crooked. They were so crooked. Your back pocket was like in the middle of your...

I'm talking about my underwear. It's your whole setup. I can do everything right now. What does that mean? Oh, we got to stop. I can do it all. We got to bring it back. You are crazy. We got to bring it back. We got to bring it back. You are scaring me. I can do it all. Who are you? Are you Thanos? Honestly, honestly, honestly. You're so wet.

You're so wet. Shut up. Alright, go. Get out! You look like a sick cat. You're f***ing... I almost dropped my drink. Oh my god, I thought that was snot. It's getting fake. I thought that was snot. Are you shitting? You almost kicked your... Bro, can I blow my nose out? Don't f***ing look at me. Alright, we'll try to blow my nose. Here we go. He's laughing. Oh my...

What in my mouth? You just go... I can't. There's tears on the bridge of your nose. Go like this. There's literally tears all over that. I can't do it. I can't do it. Okay. Oh my God. Keep going. We gotta keep going. Oh my God. Okay, so what I was saying about animals, right? Yeah, right. I think cows are the guardian angel of the world.

You know what I mean? What does that mean? Like, I can't think of another living species that gives us so much other than a cow. Think about it. Think about it. Beef, steak, Wagyu, milk, cheese, ice cream. All that's from the nipple and the body of a cow. You know what I mean? And okay, now if you think about it, right? I bring this up a lot.

How I think that everything we eat is not real. There might be some real chickens. There might be some real things like we eat, right? There's not enough. Like I said, there's not enough chicken to make all these chicken wings. Yeah. There's. And tenders. Exactly. There's definitely not enough cows to make all the steak and cheese and yogurt and ice cream that we have. I don't know. Okay. So like, but a chicken has to like cows can make multiple things of milk, which can make ice cream and yogurt and cheese and stuff like that.

But the beef is like, you got to kill them to get the beef. Exactly. I'm saying the cheese and the milk and stuff. That could be a multiple time thing. Are there just cheese cows? Are there just yogurt cows? Are there just ice cream cows? I don't know if there's cheddar cattle out there. Like just specific, specific. Matter of fact, how do they make the difference? Like, is there Colby Jack cows? Is there little mixed cows running around just popping out spicy shits? Just spicy milk?

Milk? That's post-op. There you go. That's post-op. Okay. You bring this up a lot, and you're the first person to ever bring this up to me, but the first f***ing weirdo... Put your finger down. ...to ever go to a cow and stroke them. Yeah. To find glory. Bro, they're... Wait, is that just... Sorry, keep going. What? Is that just women cows you can do that to? Or men cows got them titties too? I think men have nipples too. Utters. No.

They don't? You ever think about how long a cow's nipple is? I haven't ever touched one. It's like a bullet. It's like a 50-cow bullet. I'd flick a cow nipple. Oh, no, no, no. I'd flick a cow nip if you gave me the opportunity. Are they hairy? Sorry. No, they probably feel like a little leather pin, like a bullet, but made of leather. Yeah, I was about to say something strange, but it definitely got canceled. All right, I don't think we talk about this enough. Like...

I get your... Okay, I'm sorry, but your feet right now are despicable. That is a ninja boot on your foot. Look at it. It's like you're about to go do crime at night. All right, careful. Stop. I get... Like, I'm saying that. Yeah. Cow's the guardian angel of all animals, okay? Bless the cow. Blessed be thy cow.

But, what, like, how do people make milk? Who was the first guy to make milk? You gotta be a little psycho. Like, he just...

And then he started putting it in mason jars. And then he was like, if I drink this, I'll have strong bones and teeth. And then he said, go tell Randall to go get his wheat. Let's grind it down and make Cheerios. It's a legendary, little psycho, a little creepy invention. But I think that's most people that made all... Like, what's the best invention you can possibly think of? Like, I'm saying...

Air conditioning, touchscreen on a phone. Like, think about that. See, I'm different than a lot of people. You went to, like, technology, right? Clearly. Like, touchscreen, cool. Full self-drive, cool. How about the f*** that made a doorknob? You know what I mean? Like, that's the person we need to celebrate and have a f***ing Macy's Day parade for. You know what I mean? The doorknob? The doorknob guy. Like, that guy sat down and was like... He said, I'm tired of moving the whole door. He said...

Got them. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. Like the f*** to make, like, carpet. You know what I mean? Like, what were they walking in on before? Gravel? And wood chips? Everybody's home was concrete. That would suck. Everybody was walking around with blisters. That would suck. And this guy was like, let's make some fur and put it on the floor. Yo. That's the people we need to celebrate. You are, you're terrifying. Your thought process is insanity. Okay, what's another, like...

Like the person, like, I gotta think of, like, the person to make a seat. The first person to make a chair, dog, like, everybody's legs are tired. And he was like, don't worry. He's like, man, I'm over this shit. And he's just like.

He's like, my name's Jaren. This is what I do now. Bro. Oh, my God. What about like... Okay, I'm trying to think of something funny. Like a tie. Who's the first guy that tied a tie? He just took extra shit and was like... He was just like, now I'm better than y'all. He's like, now I can do a job interview. Now I can go do taxes. What is a tie? Like, who thought... Like, who was like... It's probably somebody that had extra fabric and they made clothes and they were just like... It was like a fashionista, but way back when they said...

And just made that shit. Like, the person, like, light bulb, that's cool. We get it. That's very cool. The fuck would I make a balloon? Like, somebody was really the life of the party. You know what I mean? They were so just cracked out when they're like...

Dog, what would be nice? Little floating little balls. Little floating balls that can feel good and you can pop them. Like, what a creep. Like, that's impressive technology right there. That's impressive inventions. Okay, and now what's honestly got terrifying, the small inventions deserve their credit. Honestly, probably more than the big ones. Yeah. But to think about the people that made the plane, like the Wright brothers. And they were black, yes. Are they? Yeah.

You looked at FCJ, the Wright brothers are black. Of course you don't think so. No, I'm not saying that. You're like, they could never. I'm not saying that. Don't say that to me. I'm saying I didn't think they were black. Are they black? I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure because we made peanut butter too. Yeah, they were white as hell. Who is the two black brothers that made something? The Tuskegee Airmen. That's them.

That's the... Those are the black pilots. No, I'm pretty sure black dudes made the... The Tuskegee Airmen. That's them. Didn't they have a movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Regardless. Isn't that the one where... No, that's pilot. Great debaters. I was thinking about when Denzel got drunk on the plane and killed a bunch of people. He was a pilot. You haven't seen that movie? It's called Pilots. It's a good movie. I've seen Great Debaters. Journey Smollett, I believe her name is. Jesse Smollett? The one that got beat with a Subway sandwich?

I don't. I think it was a woman. It was a woman. You're speaking of a man, correct? Speaking of a woman. I think that's her name. Regardless, think. Imagine. Amelia Earhart. Can I say it? I don't know what you're saying. I don't think you should say it. If you're questioning that much, you should keep it. You should keep it in shot. What are you saying? Say it at this point. Say it. What's the deal? What do you mean? Why is she in textbook? Did she fly like the whole ocean? Oh. I thought she just got lost. Can we talk about it?

She's like, no, that's offensive. It's just because I'm a dumbass and I'm ignorant. And I think, I think she crossed like the, one of the bodies of water and women should be celebrated more because they had more backs against their walls and they had to go through more hurt. Oh my God. Scared. They had to go through more hoops and hurdles. They did. They did. Women have to go through more hoops and hurdles. So their accomplishments should be celebrated because they had to go through a lot more than men did. Right. Right.

I didn't know she did something other than get lost. That's why I was confused. What body did she fly over? Bermuda Triangle, right? She got lost in that little wizard. No, God, no. At the Atlantic. Wait, she wasn't the Bermuda Triangle girl? Second person, first woman. First woman. So, Amelia Earhart, I'm not trying to... Don't clip that, you mother... Don't you goddamn do it. Her, Helen Keller, and Frank. All of them...

It was hard for me growing up. I was like, which one did what? It's like the twisty candy. They all just keep twisting. And that's the school system's fault because they didn't appreciate women enough in the school system. Spit your bag, P. And so what were you talking about with the black pilots? I was saying, you know who else went through hoops and stuff like that? Do you know who else?

Wait, what are we... What are you saying? Do you know who else went through hoops and trials and tribulations? Who? The Tuskegee Airmen! I'm just kidding. I wanted to say it one more time. Okay, yeah, but you're right. They mentioned the plane. I'm saying the plane. Think about the psych... Like, bro, I'm starting to really get there at your theory. They had to be under an influence. Heroin. No right... No sober person's gonna go, I just want to be up there. And just like, how can I stay? Exactly. It was like wood and like...

Hell no. And they were like, where'd they get the gas from? How do you have the access to that much gas? How did you even start? How'd you pump those air tires up? Who was the first person to even find out oil was like this source? It could be flammable and then use it for everything. Like all the way back to like torches and stuff. When did they know to start dipping in oil? I feel like a lot of that was by mistake. That's what I'm saying. Somebody caught on fire and they're like... Is every invention either caused by an accident or an accident...

makes you realize there's a problem and you can salute like yeah problem a lot of inventions are problem solving yeah and that's fantastic but like the day ones and that's why the big inventions aren't like a bro a computer a computer is literally a tool that is made from less than tools all the way back to the rock well that's why entrepreneurship they say don't reinvent the wheel make the wheel better you don't have to make something new you just have to make it better and that is science so back to goat

Why do we lose our hearing when we stretch good? When you get a good stretch. Am I the only one? Do I need to call a local doctor? You do it too? Oh, I've never stretched and lost my hearing, Cam. You never hit one of the ones where you turn into a dog for like four seconds. Your legs start to roll. My eyes roll. Really?

Yeah, but I'll literally... You could be having a conversation with me. Like, hey, Cam, what's up? And it's like, oh, everything's... It's gone. No, I can hear the doorbell ring. Hell no. My shit, it's like death. I have never... That's a real thing you go through. I think you're going to be surprised in the comments. I've had you stretch so... I think it's something like you're putting...

You're almost stretching everything you can and subconsciously your ear ducts are like... They're like closed. Like Ruby. But I'll have ear ringing about 30 to 45 seconds after my yawn or a big stretch. My ears will ring. See, I think that's more concerning than what I'm saying. Like I stretched and I lost for a second. You stretched a little too hard. Now...

Huh? I'm sorry to keep going back, but it's your people. They clicked an alarm. They said something's wrong. Something's wrong. And they started hitting the alarm. And I've had, okay. You remember we went to the pool last week? Yes. I, I, my shit is like a snow globe in my skull right now. What does that mean? I'm going like this. I can hear water. And now like my earlobes are a little sore from that. Like I, I, I'm genuinely concerned. I go to bed dizzy.

I wake up wet. You need Dramamine. What's that? It's like motion sickness. I think I just need to get something out. Some eardrops. You might have, I mean, there is, that's called swimmer's ear. I don't know how to swim. I know, but I'm saying you went underwater. It's called swimmer's ear. I got drowners ear. It can like, it gets like caught back there. So you need to get roughed up a little bit. Not like a, not like a fight. I've been in more fights than you have. That's what I said. Not like a fight. I'm saying like someone needs like,

I think a way to overcome that water fear, only in a pool. I'm not suggesting this. I'm saying say we went back to the same pool about four feet deep. Someone needs to just...

Just knock in. That's why. What do you gain? You think that's going to help my fear? Maybe. Or make me not want to go in the pool with you radical weirdos? You probably will never want to come back now that I say that out loud. And it's not a fear of the water anymore, really. I mean, the ocean, yes. Yeah. I have a fear of that because what is that? What's going on in here? I cannot see this. This is not my home. I don't like it. I was not made with flippers. Yes. So it's more of like I don't get a pool. I don't understand it. It's not fun to me. Did it feel good?

No, that shit was an ice bath. Cam, when I told you... It was an ice bath because we were in the hot tub first, you jack wagon. It made me just have a wet cashew at that point. Like if somebody were to examine me... A little sun-dried tomato? You'd have to cut me open to tell me what I am, you know what I mean? There's no way you could tell... What? But then you get back in that hot tub. That sucks. That cashew is growing to a bamboo tree. Can I make an announcement about that hot tub? Let's hear it.

Did you shit your pants while we were in the hot tub? You sick, vile, insidious person. Because we went to the hot tub first, right? And I was at a different part of the hot tub. And it was just regular hot tub. But then we went to the pool, came back into the hot tub. That second time in the hot tub, I was in a different position. I was about 6 o'clock on that hot tub. And I didn't know there was a jet right there. So my ass was getting blasted in that hot tub. And it opened me up. It made me loose. Oh, wait, no.

Your ass... Verbatim. My ass was getting blasted, so it opened me up and made me loose. This is what came out of your mouth on the internet forever. Oh my god. I was talking about... I was talking about a hot tub jet. That's fine. That's... Oh, they know how to clip. They know how to start at one spot and stop at another. You ever did that as a kid? I'll get my ass blasted. Now I'm saying it. Shit. We're the Ass Blast Brothers. Oh my god. The Ass Blast Brothers.

We could have a cartoon. We were the Ass Blast Brothers. You ever did that? You face forward at a jet? On a jet? No, stop. Stop. We're all curious at one point. We all did. We all tried to figure it out. We're like, put those through hell. That can't stay. No, that can't stay. Just keep it. Just mute it. Imagine. Oh, my God. I swear to God, he did. What?

Okay, we're back. I said some things that we can't say. Okay. But we all did. I thought this theme of this episode is animals for whatever reason. I think you would have the strangest mating ritual if you were an animal. Like, above all animals. Your shit, like, if I got just transferred into a bird or something, I'd be very industry average. I'd do the, like, whatever. Bare minimum. Whatever's supposed to happen.

Like, whatever gets her right, whatever gets her in the mood, I would give it to her, right? But you, you as a bird, you'd be like, you'd be pecking shit. You'd have one leg up. You'd be like, you'd be like a creep. I'd be too self-conscious to mate as a bird. Oh, my God. Because say you put, you're supposed to put your wings up, right? Yeah, show her a good time. And you're doing this. You're showing your colors. You're like, I'd just, I'd be too self-conscious. I'd like half look at her and be like, you'd be the best.

I'm like, you're sitting there, your crush is on the same branches as you, you're just poking the tree. You're like, damn it, I want to do it, but I can't. And then you go, and she's like, and then you start, you're like, oh, it's working. You start going faster. Yo, what if you were like a lemur? I did not mean that. I did not mean, are lemurs a part of the monkey kingdom?

I didn't mean... Are they... Lemurs are like little desert rats. I don't... Lemurs are way closer to monkeys. I think a lemur's a monkey. So you just made me a lemur. What if you're like an elephant? How do you think elephants mate? I'm certain... Something with the tusks. Something with that. They'd probably windmill that. Whoever has the longest helicopter. Okay, what if you were a...

Like a lizard. How do lizards mate? I'm not sure, but let's see your interpretation. If you were a lizard, how would you mate? Think about everything you know about lizards. Not much, but work with it. How much slime I could trail across. They have slime, no? So you're essentially... I'll try a wet I could get. You're essentially climaxing...

No. Leaving it on the ground for her to see and enticing her. Whoa, freak, no. You said slime on the ground. No, that's a part of my goo. Like, just my body goo. So now we know, in your mind, every lizard is just slimy. I thought lizards were slimy. Geckos, dry. Komodo dragons, dry. Oh, you know what I would... You're thinking like sludge. Who are the ones that hide? The camouflage? Chameleons. Okay, I would be the best chameleon because of my social anxiety. I would be like...

She walks into her chameleon house she steps on the rug like

She goes, what the? Hey. I wanted to ask you out. It's like, sorry, I couldn't talk to you. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Chameleon was perfect. Holy shit. I'd be a great chameleon. Oh, chameleon was perfect. Oh, my God, bro. My balls are wet. Oh, my back is dripping. Oh, my God. So you've never turned yourself on? No.

No, I mean, no, not like that. I've never got out of the shower. First off, I often leave the shower disappointed. Like, I don't, no matter how hot I turn the water, I don't know what it is, man. I just, I know what I'm there for. Again, I'm very, I'm very just to the point, I'm here to get clean.

I'm not here to play around. I'm not here for field day. I'm here to get clean and get out. How long do you shower? My showers are very efficient. How long are they? I'd say no longer than like five to six minutes. No way you're clean. I swear to God I am. What do you wash? Everything.

In five minutes? Bro, people, if you like to enjoy the hot water, that's fine. I'm never going to. There's sometimes I take 20 minute showers. If I got the whole music going. But on average. And I'm really just chilling. If my objective is I left the gym, I have an hour till I got to be to the next thing. Don't give me a scenario. I'm saying on average. On average. Regular day. Regular day. If I'm just trying to get clean. That's what I'm saying. I don't have like a, I'm either taking an enjoyment shower or.

That's where I'm going to do everything. Shampoo, condition, beard wash, maybe shave a little bit, sit in the hot water field. Fantastic. A regular shower. I'm in there for six minutes max. See, I have DNA issues. You have nasty issues. I'm just automatically nasty. I spend at least 35 to 40 minutes every shower because... I'd love to see your water bill. You absolutely don't care about the ecosystem. Oh, is that an ecosystem thing? Bro, what are you doing? Okay.

Again, if you tell me it's relaxation, it's excused, that's fine. First, I poop. There's no way. So you poop in the shower? No, right by the shower. Like in the toilet. With the water on? Yes. I turn on the water. I get hot and I close all the doors and I don't have the vent going because I want to be in a sauna.

Yeah, that's fine. Like a steam room. That's fine. Right? And you poop on your phone. You're definitely seeing about 30 TikToks. I'm on TikTok, right? I'm reading comments. I'm looking at tour tickets available right now. There you go. I'm looking. Yeah, 10 minutes. And then I go into my, I'm butt naked, right? And then I go to my, my, my, my sink and,

And I go over my thing like that. I'm bent over. Mirror's in front of me. And I have the phone like this. And I'm connecting it to my HomePod that you bought me. And I'm putting a podcast on. I'm putting a podcast on. Okay. So I got to get to the podcast. How long does that take? I'm not done. And so I'm still going. And then I go to my Instagram. I go to my Twitter. I go to Snapchat. I go to my text.

That time, shower is scorching, right? I can get a tan in there. Then I get in that shower. Then I spend about five minutes rotating around, getting all of me wet, getting real lathered, getting nasty, right? And then that's when I get... And then I get my first, like, fingertip or, like, dripping wet, and I'm getting a little pruney. Okay. That's when I start painting. I make art on the wall. You think I'm... I swear to God, this is what I do. Every shower, I'm painting. I don't have my hair wet yet because that makes my eyes hurt. So I make... I'm painting...

I'm making sculptures. I'm doing things. I'm drawing you. Stop that. Stop that. And then that's whenever I'm like, okay, now it's time to get the soap. So I'll get the soap on my hand, of course. I'm getting my webbing. I'm getting everything, getting my crack thin.

I take all the soap off, and then it's another five to ten minutes. I'm getting sexy. Get nasty. Finish my art from earlier. You're getting nasty to a podcast. This is a weird thing. I'm getting too nasty on the podcast? No, I said you're getting nasty to a podcast. Oh, yeah. There's not even sex music in the back. Shout out to Rory and Maul. Yeah, you ever seen them? You're over here. And this is a thing I do in the shower. Do you have a thing you always do when you walk in the shower? Like, the first thing I do...

I let the water hit my chest. I opened my mouth and I spit on my door so I can see myself through the mirror. I used to do that a lot. Now I walk straight in and let it immediately hit my chest and then I walk straight into my face and then here. And then when I'm doing music, like I have music playing in the shower, I'll have like a good song going and say the mirror is this camera, right? And I spit right there so you could see

I can see myself. I wet my hair so it's nice and dangly. The earrings are glistening in the light. My beard's wet. And I'll hit one of these and I'll look at them and be like, rap like that. I'll be like, like a light. Yeah, yeah. Like a light. Like a light. You just bite, you bit your own lip. And that's when I get turned on.

Okay. Let's get Dr. P. Oh, no. We're breaking this down. So not only is your 40-minute shower, 10 minutes of art, 12 minutes of shit, and 4 minutes of podcasts and socials. So if you take out the little kid time, you take out the podcast and the poop, you're now sitting at about a 14-minute shower, which is reasonable. Why do you have the water? You understand water can get hot in about 30 seconds. Yeah. Well, you're rich. You have a better water system than me.

You want to play those jokes? You can shower on three different levels, buddy. I can't. I know, too.

Why do you have the water on? Why do you have the water on for that long? It's a mood. Anything with my brain, I have to set the mood for. To eat, to do anything. CJ knows how he lives with me. We went to McDonald's. I didn't eat it for an hour because the mood wasn't right. I wasn't feeling it. That pisses me off. It's just some of the mood thing. Eat the damn food. Clean your damn body. I get in. I immediately get soaking wet. That takes me 30 seconds. I take the conditioner. Put it in my... Boom. Conditioner in the hair. It's letting it soak. Face wash.

Letting that soak. Then I get the body on my scrub, not my bare hand, you nine-year-old. And I actually let it lather my whole body. By that time, I'm three, three and a half minutes in, and I start to wash everything. It's not a fair comparison because your mind is so wicked.

My mind's wicked? You have to go do something. You just said you bit your lip after spitting at yourself, making Picasso Bob Ross art of me naked in the shower, rapping to Drake. Yeah, it's a thing I do. It's my pleasure time. And CJ knows about my, I have to set the mood. Like sometimes I can go eat next to CJ sitting on the couch, like watching something. And sometimes I have to go to my room because that's what the mood is.

I have to go to my roommate and sit on my bed. It's just a mood thing and I can't control it. I feel it. Power to you, buddy. Speaking of moods, let's help some relationships. What do we got, Secretary Cam? All right, Dr. P. We've got one. Okay. Are you ready? Yes, always. Dear Dr. P. Hello. I went to the Austin Live show. Thank you so much for coming. Hey, good to see you.

Buy your tickets, still didn't get involved for the rest of the tour. With my ex. Oh. And we had a very good time, if you know what I mean. Oh, y'all got nasty in the show. Laughing my ass off. Now I'm pregnant. No, no, no, no, no. We got her pregnant? Oh. Well, we didn't. Well, we set the mood. It's all about the mood. Wait, so he was getting a little blood flow during the show. Yeah, at what? What was he? What caused that? It's an awesome person. He was like a straight, yeah.

So one, shout out YSK, but that's it. Just proof that you're the best love doctor in the world. Oh my God. So there's not really a cry for help here. Actually, there might be. Break it down. Maybe we're not seeing what you're seeing. We don't have the vision. Round of applause for the first live show, baby.

I think by legality, that young, if it's a man, that young man, that young baby, if it becomes a boy, middle name has to be Cameron, Peyton, Michael, or Steven. Yeah, it has to. One of the four. It has to be. Cameron's not really a middle name. Michael, Steven, or Peyton. And, okay. Yeah, what are you seeing? What are you seeing, Doc? What are you seeing, Lorde?

This might have to get cut. Speak it. And this is not Peyton talking. This is Dr. P, the best love doctor in the country. The best f***ing doctor. Speak it. What was she... What are you about to say? Okay. Now you know where I'm going. What are you saying? I just need to know where her... What was she thinking about during that time? She just came off the show. Hopefully. Hopefully.

If so, that baby's mine. Okay, I'm joking. May I speak? I'm joking. It's Dr. P. It's a comedy podcast. May I speak? Yes, sir. Thank you. Hopefully, hopefully, it was the liquor. Little Jack Daniels. Whatever. Little Angel's Envy. I don't know what that is. Hopefully, it was a fun adult alcoholic beverage night that led to lovemaking, hence the child. Reproduce it. Oh, and happy Mother's Day.

Yeah. If it wasn't, if they were sipping that Aquafina, they need to fill out a questionnaire. They need... We might have to talk to Gabe about that. We might have to talk to the legal department and see if we can get custody. No. I'm kidding. I'm completely kidding. 100% y'all is kidding. Congratulations. Facts. That is...

That is a, that's our first baby. We're dads. We're dads. We're dads, man. We're dads. We're dads. Oh, you're wet. Yeah, you are too. God, you're sagging and your shorts are still crooked. Alrighty, um, that was... Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P! Dr. P!

Don't ever do a beat over my whisper. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. All right, guys. Another great episode. See you in 11 days. Cam?

Thank you so, so much. Coming back, episode 113, another wild-ass episode. We are 11 days away from our Coloradians, our Coloradians, whatever you are in Colorado. 11 days away. Go grab your tickets. There's a few left to the Colorado show. God bless you. Something got in my throat. There's a few left in the...

There's a few left to the Colorado show and to the remaining of the cities, but Colorado is the first stop. Boulder, Colorado, May 31st. We're going to see you in 11 days. We absolutely cannot wait to be there. We love you so much.

tickets first link in the description right there below go ahead and click that grab your ticket we are not touring again till 2025 it is going to be a minute so we want to see you this summer anyway confuse the casuals get your good karma with this week's secret code and that is IOP IOP

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Get us on everything. See you on everything. We absolutely love y'all. And remember, see you on tour in a couple days. Remember, one night at the club is the only way to get home to Christmas. And we will see you next time. Two weeks in a row. Hello? Goodbye.

Okay, you say, I want some breakfast. Your so-called boyfriend says, we got eggs in the fridge. Obviously, when you say breakfast, you mean McDonald's. Definitely a side-eye situation. Bring home the bacon, steak patty, or others with a BOGO for $1 breakfast. Only in the app. Limited time only at participating McDonald's. Valid once a day. Must opt into rewards. Visit McDApps for details. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.