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God can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no edge entity, you need boundaries. What? I don't need your likes, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things, things, things. Child.
It's the girl time with the delegation for me. Okay. First of all, I love kicking it with you all. Getting to know you and getting all up in your business. Okay. In the best way, of course, because you know, I am first of all, president. Okay. Head usher, the chaplain and the secretary.
usher board at Mind Your Business Ministries. And today is no different though, because I want to learn more about Marissa. I get to hang with a fellow delegation member, Marissa Craft. She's a mom of twins, a special education teacher, and has a dope blog called Mommy Me Time. I'm sure sis is doing amazing in all of her roles, but I want to hear it from her. Most
Most importantly, I want to hear how she keeps hanging in there after disappointment. Let's learn together, girls. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing amazingly. I'm trying to figure out how you're going to get the two twins to be quiet while you podcast. It seems impossible. Well, this worked out because they're still at daycare. Oh, won't he do it? Otherwise, we would just add them in as co-hosts and everything would be fine.
They would take over the whole episode. Boys, girls, boys. What's your mix? One of each. One of each. Are they your only children? Yes. You better in there and just go and knock it out. Just go and double it up. How's it been? Good. Well, it's been good so far. Yeah. Well, so, so. So, so. Yeah. What does that mean?
Quarter one of 2022. Threw some loops, some turns in there. Quarter two is definitely looking up. All right. So it's been good now. Yeah. We're going to see how everything pans out. What made you want to be a co-host? So I wanted to be a co-host because your platform is also like what I like to do. I like to empower women. And I feel like we're on the same type of vibe. Yeah.
Yes, I love God. I go to church, but I also like, you know, this kind of music over here, too. I, you know, I have a side that I may roll my neck every now and then. And I feel like women need to see everyday women in the same light. Like I'm a regular nine to five working single mom of twins. And I feel like there's so many women out there that think that is not possible. Yeah.
I want it to be that voice for those women on this podcast. Okay, well, that's what we're going to do. Okay, Marissa, I feel like...
There are times when we feel within ourselves, first of all, it's Mental Health Awareness Month, which like, first of all, we got to just give big ups for mental health and taking a moment to acknowledge the different trials and triumphs and obstacles connected to just showing up in life. And I feel like one of the areas that keep us from showing up in life is the fear of disappointment because of previous disappointment, right?
And I just wonder when you hear that word disappointment, what like memory comes to mind first for you? And what did you learn from that disappointment? My first is my career. I just shifted careers right now. I was a teacher, special education teacher, and I just shifted into becoming a behavior analyst.
of disappointment was when I approached my then principal and she said, no, like flat out, no, like you can't go. That was like disappointment, like, whoa. But what I learned from it is later on, she came back and was like, I heard you wrong. I misunderstood. We can do this, this and this. And what I learned from that was,
If God opened that door, nobody can shut it. Like I was disappointed in a moment, but it all worked out. So I have to just trust the process of what's happening. So basically, so that fast forwards to now, I have faced the disappointment in a relationship loss.
It's hard, but I know based on things that have happened before that I've gotten through that have disappointed me, that this too will help me. I will see a light at some point. So don't dwell on it and just keep going. Do what I can do and not worry what someone else has done. I love that I'm torn between trying to learn from you about
disappointments that end up working out in our favor versus this idea that like this last disappointment or a disappointment I had is so great and so large that I literally don't think I can handle another disappointment. Like, have you ever been just at your capacity for disappointment and been surprised that you actually had more capacity for disappointment than you thought? Yes, currently, right now.
Every day I learn how strong I am and how disappointment isn't the end. This is I'm just disappointed in a moment. I'm disappointed at what happened. But what I've also learned is I'm disappointed because that was my plan. That may not have been God's plan for me. So I'm learning to trust that it's all cloudy right now. It's real cloudy over here. Okay.
But I'm trusting that my disappointment is going to lead to God's redemption. He's going to redeem me and put me in a place where I'm going to look back and be like, that was it. I got it. So I'm just trusting that right now because all the things that I've pivoted through in life,
Yeah.
All right, Marissa, you preaching a little bit because I don't know if you heard what you said, but I'm going to tell you what you said, Marissa. What you said to me right here on this here podcast is that your disappointment and your trust in God can live in the same space.
And a lot of times we think if I'm disappointed, I can't trust God. Or if I trust God, then I can't be disappointed. But there is freedom in coming to a place where you realize I can be both. I can be disappointed my plan didn't work out. I can be disappointed the relationship didn't work out, that the business isn't taking off. And still trust that at the end of the day that I am on a path that connects to good if I am willing to trust God in the process.
and allow myself to be spirit-led. You preached, you preached the word. - Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's just, it's hard. Now I don't wanna give people-- - No, it's ugly. I ain't even gonna lie to you, it's ugly. - This is a day-to-day constant.
battle with myself like continuously telling myself good things and trying to keep the positive because at this point I'm not by myself I have children you know I have to keep going I have to I have a career and I have things to look forward to so I try not to dwell on the disappointment and like you said we can know that we're disappointed but still trust him that's like our parents when you were little you were disappointed your mama told you you didn't have that restaurant money yeah
but you still trusted that she would feed you, you know? So it's one of those things, like it's a constant battle, but it's worth it. - I wanna talk about you saying that you talk back, that you're having to coach yourself through this disappointment.
And I think a lot of times we speak about the coaching, but we don't always talk about what the voices are saying. And I feel like there's something powerful and liberating about someone who's listening, understanding that those thoughts are running through someone else's mind to the thoughts of you didn't have what it takes or I told you that wasn't going to work out or this is forever going to be your story. Can you tell me what are those voices saying that you were speaking back to? Yeah.
You weren't good enough. You weren't smart in this situation. You don't deserve love. You're a statistic.
You can't have it all. Yeah. What's wrong with you? Like I even, you know, those questions that I think a lot of women deal with, whether it's disappointment in a relationship or disappointment in a career and a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be romantic. Yeah. You can have disappointments in friendships. Like, you know, it's just those are the big voices. Like, what did you do wrong? Why? Why me? Yeah.
Why me is one of the biggest questions that I have to talk back to.
So, yeah. I recently went through a disappointment. I think what was supposed to just be a feeling became a state for me. So in one of my messages, I was preaching and I misspoke because when I speak, I get nervous and I start talking fast and then I'm just like out there. And I said something when I was speaking about like when God created Jesus. Now, God didn't create Jesus. Like Jesus was a part of God from the foundation of the earth, right?
But in that moment, I was just like in my zone and I was talking, I was speaking and the social media pulled a clip and that clip was out there. And people were like, you know, there was a lot of people were like blessed because like most people are not thinking about theology. People are there to receive whatever word is there for them. But there was someone that was like, God didn't create Jesus. Where's the sound doctrine? She shouldn't be up there preaching. And in those moments, it confirmed every insecurity that I have about speaking. Yeah.
And I thought to myself, this is exactly why I don't want to do it, because I told y'all like I'm not perfect. I told you I'm not going to do everything right. And like you have no business doing it. And so like I was living in that state where like I didn't want to preach. I didn't want to speak for a few weeks because that had resonated down in my spirit so much.
And I think I finally came to a place where I realized that I can reject it with the same strength that I take to receive, nurture and cultivate it. And to give myself permission, like if I really think that like I'm not perfect.
and that I'm going to make mistakes and that I'm going to try anyway, then don't allow myself to punish myself for the times when my imperfection shows up. And so that self-compassion has helped me a lot when I've been disappointed with myself. It's one thing for other people to disappoint you. But when you find yourself disappointed in yourself, it does take a lot of work to roll up your sleeves and work through it. I think for me, self-disappointment is the worst. It's ugly. Yeah.
Like for me. Yeah. I do seek. I do like I like validation from other people. So when I don't get the validation that that's a struggle for me. I am now disappointed in myself because I wanted it. So I'm trying to teach myself, like, don't even want that. One thing I've learned to do is stop asking things that are going to hurt your own feelings. Oh, my God.
It sounds so simple, but it is like truth, gospel. Yeah. Like, so that's one of those things with me seeking validation or seeking answers. Like, you don't need the answer. It's just going to hurt your own feelings. So I'm having to shy away from that part of who I am because then I'm disappointed because I thought one thing and now it's something else. Or I hope for something that now it's not it. And now I feel like,
You dummy. Like, you know, like, girl, you knew better. Yeah. So that's one of the that's a thing that I think a lot of people struggle with. And they just don't know to say that. Can you remember the first time that you felt like disappointed in yourself? Like what was happening and who was in your life? And did they help coach you or did they reaffirm your disappointment? The first time? Like the first big time. Maybe it's not like the first ever in life.
I mean, this isn't like big. No, it is big. Don't say it's not big because if it came to mind and you remember it. I remember like I was an athlete in school and just being I knew I was going to get to a certain championship for track and it didn't happen because I got disqualified for a dumb mistake. And I was disappointed because I was up here, but
My mom, let me tell you, that woman, she literally was like, it's okay. You've accomplished this, this, and this. You're already going to this championship, just not for what you thought you were going for. Wow. So be happy in the moment. And that's kind of her now in my life. Like with the current disappointment, my mom is still like...
It's okay. You're going to get through it. You've done this. You've accomplished this. That's one thing compared to all the other things that you are doing well. So I think it's one of the things where we get so stuck on that one disappointment that we forget all the things that we've accomplished.
And that's me. And my mom is one of the people who like gets me back together. And I don't even think she knows it. I don't even think my mom knows that. But she's like that person for me. Oh, you have to call and tell her that. You have to let her know because like she may not know that she has that value because you're right. I feel like we need people in our world who help us to see the full picture because we are disappointed about a moment. But someone has seen a lifetime.
They've seen a lifetime of us overcoming. They've seen a lifetime of us healing. They've seen a lifetime of us limping until we can walk and walking until we can run. And it is easy to get trapped in a moment. But when you zoom out of the picture, and maybe you don't have those types of people in your life all of the time, which is why for me, I think through podcasting,
prayer and meditation, I'm asking God to help me see outside of this moment, to look beyond the disappointment so that I can trust that this is going to pass too. Yeah, my one thing lately has been to release me.
Like, God, release me from this disappointment. Release me from this feeling of needing answers. Release me from the pain. Like, release that for me. Let those shackles go so I can go find my peace. Because that peace is something that I can't even describe. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's me right now. That's my prayer like daily. It's just whatever I feel like is holding me back, release me from that. Whatever's causing me to be sad, release that from me. Like, you know, and even the days where I don't know what it is, I just say release, release it.
So, yeah, I think that I love that word release because it makes me in my head. I think about literally shackles being broken off. But I feel for me, at least, that the moments that I have been released from disappointment weren't necessarily instantaneous, though. I have had instantaneous moments where I just clicked and I got it. But it feels like the release happened.
little by little, that the key is turned slowly but surely into the direction of my freedom. And that key is turned by the moments throughout the day that allow me to feel something beyond disappointment. So I
I honor those moments where I'm in a disappointing season, but like I discover joy or I laugh or I ate something that made me feel good or I got in a good workout in spite of the disappointment. And I have found that focusing on those moments where disappointment had to release its hold on my life has helped me to see that like this disappointment's not going to last forever. So like what are some moments that you're having in this season that you can tell is like the key being turned on
on those shackles so that disappointment can let you go? My kids are like amazing. My son randomly just, mommy, I love you. And there's three. And I'm just like, I love you too. My job, I love my job. I work with children on the autism spectrum and the little things that they do, the little things that they learn just helps me just like, oh my God, like,
You know, it's turning that key. Friends like random messages, like just kind of just turns the key to like, girl, you got it. You you're doing good. It's OK. I had a friend one day tell me like Marissa, literally like check, check, sit down, think about it.
This is one thing compared to like you're a 29 year old. Think of what you've accomplished. So like little things throughout the day, my career, my kids are like the biggest like turn. They're all innocent children. And the innocence of a child is just like.
It's refreshing. It is. I feel like my son is the reason why I survived my disappointing seasons, especially as a teenager, because he didn't care how old I was. He didn't care that I didn't know what I was doing. I just brought so much joy into his world whenever I turned around the corner. And it gave me this sense of gravity that I matter and that there is a reason to keep pushing and moving forward.
Yes, like the random things like they do, like go play outside and mommy, I got you a flower. Yeah. You thought about me when you could have been doing all these things outside. So it's just like, you're right. My children are like my strength. Like the little things they do just show me like I matter and I'm doing good. Like I'm doing a good thing. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to be honest. My schedule is often filled to the brim with meetings about meetings and making decisions based on meetings. And listen, I'm not complaining, but the truth is that the potential for burnout is certainly there.
And I know I'm not the only one that has felt this way. The threat of burnout is something that is ever present and hanging over our heads. Whether you're bouncing around with the babies or you're going after that degree, building that business, there are moments in life where you simply say, I have had enough.
That's why this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. For me, therapy has given me tools to use to cope with the stressors of trying to balance my work and personal life instead of worrying about if it can ever be balanced. I believe having access to therapy to gain better coping skills is the key that opens the door to taking better care of yourself and so many other endless possibilities.
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Do you find yourself when you have experienced a disappointment, like dissecting the disappointment, like trying to figure out like and then X equals Y and Y then turn to Z. And then if you take that and carry it over, like how do you break your mindset from sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper trying to figure out how did I get to this disappointment?
Listen, I do. I break that whole thing down like algebra problem. Like, I need to know this don't add up. What happened right here? You should have thought about that red flag when you saw this. You should have.
girl you remember so and so said this you should have remembered that and he oh look at that text like I literally and I feel like that's a problem yeah I think what like a part of me tries to think that it's like noble like I'm trying to dissect it so that it can never happen again but like the reality is is like sometimes you just show up in the trashiest version of who you are and sometimes people are just trash and you just have to accept you know what I
think freed me when I was going through that like I'm never going to preach again and I don't deserve to preach and Lord why you choose me and choose somebody else season is I think one day it did hit me I was like there's nothing I can do about it now like I'm sitting up here I can't replay it I can't change it I'm not gonna issue an iOS press release about it like there's nothing I can do about it now so now what you gonna do with what's left right you gonna take me or you're not yeah this is it this is my offering
That is so true. That goes back to what I said earlier about stop asking questions. That's going to hurt your feelings. Marissa, stop breaking stuff down. Because I will create. I go as far as creating scenarios. Okay, don't wait. Talk about this. First of all, I want you to know Marissa is giving Eve. Because how are you sitting down? Tell me about it. Listen, it's bad. So if I break this down and I don't have a concrete factual answer, I create my own. Wow.
Which is even worse. Make it make sense for me. Give me I need an example of you creating your own. Let's see if like if I just don't know, like if I ask you a question, like if I say, Pastor Sarah, what are you doing or what you do yesterday? And you just kind of go nothing.
But I'm already in my mind. Something has already happened. I will literally create. Pastor Sarah was over here because she didn't text me back. And I have to talk myself out of it. Marissa, what? Girl, you just made that up. Stop. Stop.
I'm wondering why we, because I'm good for a story. I will make up a whole. I'm good for a whole. And this is what they were thinking. And this is their intention. I'm good for a story. Why? Why do we do that? What is that? Is it control? Hold on. Hold your thought. Don't let it go. They say I'm oily over here. Girl, you was cute to me. They say she look like she's about to fry some chicken on her face.
Good? Okay. All right. You got your answer? Did you hold on to it? Can you ask the question again? Yes. Okay.
No, I'm good for a story. Like, I will come up with a whole story in my mind. And I'm trying to figure out while you're speaking, I've never asked myself this, so we're going to do math together today. Like, why do we do that? Is it like a need? Is it control? Is it like, oh, okay, for me, I think I know what it is, but I want to know what it is for you. I think that I am so uncomfortable with...
with the unknown that I will take a conclusion, even if it is a fabricated conclusion, over waiting for the truth. And that's trash. Listen, you literally said my answer. I have a problem with the unknown, which I think goes back to having to have control. If I have control, I know the unknown. I know what's supposed to happen when it's supposed to happen.
But if I don't know, I need to know. And you're right. It is trash. Garbage. I think I read this somewhere, like that control or the need to be in control is a trauma response. So like what in your life made you feel out of control so that now you feel like you have to control everything? We just got deep. Kala Yonla, we're going deep. Oh, girl. Let me see. What happened? I have no idea. Let me think. Hold on.
I don't, maybe, when I was younger, like my mom and dad were always together, but my mom worked a different shift. And I can remember always, like she worked like a second shift and my dad worked first. So like at night I was more with my dad.
And I can remember making up stories that my stomach hurt to try to get her to stay at home. And I think I wanted to control that thing. I remember she would come to games. And my mom was always present. She just worked a different shift. So I think I wanted to control when I saw her. I wanted her when I wanted her. So maybe that's where it came from. That's the thing that sparks my mind the most.
Well, if you think about it, because it's like control is avoiding something. Right. So maybe there's look, I don't know. I ain't been to nobody school. So just rock with me and we're going to see what the Lord say. But maybe it's like trying to avoid feeling abandoned. Yeah.
So if I can control it, then I am controlling this wound or this fear of abandonment. The only reason why I say that is because my therapist was talking to me about me like overcompensating as a mother. And she was like, where did that come from? And I was sharing with her that like, you know, my mom...
She worked, when she was present, she was very present. But when they were like building the church and she was traveling with my dad, like she was gone and she was our sense of stability because my dad was almost always gone. And so like she was the sense of stability. So when she was gone, our world was just,
you know, totally shaken. And so I think part of the reason why I show up the way that I do for my children, even though it be OD sometimes is because I'm trying to let them know, like, I'm here. I'm never going to leave you. And she's like, you're teaching them a lie though, because you are going to leave them. You're going to go to work. You're going to travel. You're going to go out for dinner. So it's better that you teach them to make room for all of who you are than to teach them to just depend on you. Wow.
That's my life. Thank you. Yes. I feel like I overcompensate. Like...
Being a single mom, there are things that I have to do. I have to rely on certain people. I got to go to work. So just a couple weeks ago, my daughter was sick and I had to like, I still had to go to work. Now she went with, you know, grandparents, whatever. But I, I'm mom. I felt like, oh my God, she's going to be so upset. Like, I just started feeling all the guilt, all the guilt. And it probably does stem from
Like you said, my mom was present when she was present. But now that I'm a 29-year-old and I'm a mom, she had to work. She didn't leave me with just anybody. She left me with her husband, my father. I was a bad, you left me for dead with him. I was with my daddy. But now that I'm older, I see that. Like I see, and I think it also probably stems from
The friends I had growing up, it was the opposite. My friends had mom. Okay. Yeah. My dad was like, dad, like he took over. Like all my friends, they will call him and my mama, like before they call me, um,
Well, I think maybe that was a thing. Like, because all the women in my life are very strong women. And I think that helped that also caused me to overcompensate because every woman in my life, mom, grandma, aunt are all very strong, independent women. Yeah. So I think I battle with that too. It's like I'm at a season like, yeah, I'm independent, but sometimes I just don't want to be. Yeah, just take care of me, please. Please.
No, that's funny because that original disappointment shows up in your present parenting, just like it shows up in mine. And I think that
And honoring the power of that original disappointment is so important to see how is this still showing up? Is it still showing up? Because when my therapist got finished with me, she was basically like, so you base whether or not you're a good parent on an eight-year-old's perspective of what a good parent should be. And I was like, first of all, I don't pay you to snatch my edges. That's not what I paid you to do. But yeah, yeah.
Yeah. You just, you just, yeah. Glad these are covered because you got me. That is so true. Wow. Isn't that something? Just out here. And it's humbling. Yeah. Because we both know we have great moms. So it's not a dig or anything. So that's the weird part about this whole thing. Like. Yeah. Because when we were in therapy and she asked me about my mother, I was like, oh, no, we good there. We, we don't have no issues there. And she was like, let's talk a little bit about you. I was like, we're good.
We're good. Like, but yeah. So, and she is, my mom's an incredible mother, but children are selfish. Like that's just like, that's just point blank. We're just, you know, you're selfish and you want all of what you can get from your parent. And so when you don't get that, unless you change your perspective as an adult, you will carry the disappointment of a child and,
and punish a parent or punish yourself and the way you show up based off of that original sin that you perceived as a kid. So...
a strong, independent woman, but sometimes you don't want to be. Aren't you so glad that we're finally having permission to say, like, I don't always want to be the strong, independent woman. Like, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't always want to. I'm also at the point where sometimes I don't want to be the strong friend. Yeah. Talk about it. You know,
I got in trouble. I posted about being the strong friend and talking, telling people like, I don't have the capacity for that. And a lot of people was like, this is selfish. Like, why would you be that person? No, no. Like sometimes you mentally can't take on somebody else's, you have your own thing going on. Sometimes I'm not the best person for you to ask for advice because I'm going to come from a place that's not right. I'm going to tell you something bad. Yeah.
Because I'm in a different headspace right now. So I appreciate my small group of friends because they know we kind of it's an unspoken thing. Yeah. You got the mental case. Hey, are you able for me to say this to you? Right. And we all like acknowledge it like it's a thing. That's even like in life when things are going on. If I'm in a moment, sometimes even if I'm down, I don't want to talk about it right now.
Give me a moment. Yeah. And they respect that moment. I think that's important to have those people in your life as well that respect your boundaries of when you're ready. Yeah. When you're available. And they all know, like Marissa says, she don't want to talk about it right now. We're not going to talk about it right now. And when she's ready, she will just openly start talking about it.
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I appreciate that you are able to say, I don't always want to be the strong friend or the strong woman and to not be disappointed in yourself for not wanting to be that. Because I think that there have been times in the past, I think I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself.
where I have felt like I don't want to be the strong friend, but I got to be the strong friend. Or am I letting them down? Am I now making them disappointed? But I've come to a place where like, I have accepted that like, I don't have a cape all the time and I need help. And I, you know, for me, especially here, cause I'm in Los Angeles and I don't have like,
Like, you know, I think in a normal scenario, like sometimes you just take your kids over to your sister's house. You call your grandparents or whatever. I don't have those things. And I'm finally coming to a place where I can say, like, listen, I can't do everything. I need help. And to not feel like it makes me less than. So can I ask you a question right there? Yes, go for it.
I am currently in the same situation. Okay. My kids' grandparents and things are an hour and a half away. Not that far. But... However, on a day-to-day, they're sick, you know? Yeah.
How did you get to a place where you're okay with asking for help? Because I have not gotten there yet. I feel like this is my responsibility. I got to do it. And I have friends here. My parents, you know, all their grandparents and stuff are like, just let us know when you need help. And it's just like, I don't think I'm just going to call you guys. So how did you get to a place where you're like, okay, I need to tell somebody I need help? I was really stressed and overwhelmed.
And I realized that I was trying to keep up with an idea of who I am at the risk of abandoning the truth of where I was.
I felt myself like losing myself. I was joking with a friend, but I was like low-key serious. I was like, I see why people pass out from exhaustion because you just keep going and going and going. And like you think you're at the grocery store and all of a sudden you're on the floor because you didn't take the time to say, I really need some help. And so I learned to open my mouth and to not allow...
The idea that someone would think I was irresponsible. That's the one thing about being a single mom that like, and I still, even though I've been married to my incredible husband for almost eight years, I still have single mom tendencies. And I think you want to prove that like, you got this, like I got this. I can raise these kids by myself if I need to. I don't need your child support. If you send it fine, if you don't, we'll figure it out. Like you live on the defense of,
But you're not allowing yourself moments to be honest about like, this is hard. You know what I mean? I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to leave him at the fire station, but it's hard.
And I need a weekend and sometimes scheduling a babysitter when you don't have somewhere to go just because I need a mental break. Like the kids don't have to be sick for you to need a weekend to figure out who you are again or to go have fun with some friends again. And so I think for those single moms who are, you know, committed to proving their responsibility, that you also have to prove that you are responsible with your soul.
and responsible with your health by allowing yourself to rest. Great. That's amazing. That was awesome. That was, that was great. I feel like it didn't land though. It feels like. Yes, it did. Because so my, I take time for myself, but my time is like different. I don't feel like I need to call you.
just because I want to go somewhere. But they go on the weekends, but it's at somebody's request. I don't call my mom and say, "Hey, mom, I need you to keep the twins this weekend." That's not me. But when they do go, I do take time for myself. I do do things for myself. I guess my problem is when I'm at that moment, like you said, that stress, that wit's in. I struggle at that point of saying, "I need help."
Like, well, let's break it down. Why can't you do it? Like, because it crosses your mind because it crosses all of our minds to be like, so-and-so said they would help me, but I'm not going to do that. But is it because I don't want to bother them? I don't. I don't want to bother them. I don't like being a burden. Right.
Oh, we getting good. This is going to be a part two podcast because we're going to talk about this. Okay, talk about it. I don't like being a burden. Like, I feel like if this is my issue, I need to deal with my issue. And I think it goes back to like, sometimes, like I said, I don't want to be the strong friend. I don't want to always have to take somebody else's baggage. So because I know that on my side, I don't want to always have to push my responsibilities on someone else.
So I feel like I don't want to be a burden. I think that's where that's where mine comes from. I don't want to be a burden. These are my responsibilities. I need to figure it out. I hope I can say this the way that I hear it in my head. But I think that when we continue to show up as a strong friend, even when we don't want to, that we struggle with asking for help from other people because we don't trust that their yes is their yes. Because absolutely.
Ours is not always ours because we don't have integrity in how we use our energy, resources or time. We don't trust the integrity of another person. So if someone says, if you need anything, just let me know. We already like I'm not going to ask you because when I say that, I don't mean it. Like if you need something, call me last. Call me. Don't call me first. Call me.
call me last. But if we actually reserved those comments for times when we mean them and really want to show up, then we would trust when other people say it to us because it is their responsibility to be honest about whether or not they can do it, whether or not they can stand by their word. And there will be times where they can't do it. And we hope that they say no in those times instead of giving us a yes that grieves them in the past. So I
think having more integrity in how we support others will help us receive support from others. But I ain't nobody. And I don't know if that made any sense, but I think it's something to it. That definitely made sense. It definitely made complete sense. Like,
Sometimes, like, I feel like sometimes when they say, like you just said, let me know if you need anything. I will help you. And I just feel like you're just having manners. You're just being nice. I'm in Georgia. I'm in Georgia. You're just having manners. You're being nice. Yeah. I don't know if you really mean it. Like, I told a friend, which is one of my best friends from college, and she was like,
Marissa, let me know when you need help. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you have so much other stuff going on. She was like, no, let's correlate our schedules so I can have. And I was like, nope, not going to do it. I'm not going to do that. I was like, I'm going to be honest with you. The best way for you to help me is if you just randomly one day say, I want to keep the twins. Yeah. Like to me, it's like, oh, she wants to see the children. But you asking me, like, do you need a break? I will probably say no. Yeah. Yeah.
That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. You're making me say stuff that I didn't even think about. I know, right? No, I'm over here. But I will tell you, I think part of what helped me with that is that I stopped...
saying what I didn't mean. Oh, okay. So, Nandria Glover-Tawwap came to the Woman Evolve conference and I'm going to jack this up. But she basically said that, you know, we overextend ourselves and then volunteer to be even more stressed by saying, let me know if you need anything. And to your point, so when I saw her at the conference, of course, we have a lot going on at conferences.
I see her. I'm like, thank you for coming. We're so glad you're here. Can't wait to hear from you. If you need anything, let me know. And I was like, well, that was me being hospitable. That's what I'm supposed to say. And she was like, or you could say, if you need anything, reach out to my assistant. If you need anything, just reach out to your contact so that you are mitigating people coming to you. So sometimes we don't even redirect people to the people who can actually help them because some
Sometimes we need to tell people, if you need anything, I want to tell you about BetterHelp. It's this space where you can go and you can talk about your... If you need anything, let me tell you about a discount that is happening so that you don't have to ask me money. Like, no, we got to be the solution to if somebody needs something. I agree. I agree. I'm going to practice that. Intense practice. The first step in practicing it is meaning it when you say it. Yeah.
Yeah. I think I have gotten to a point now where I mean it more because all my friends have we have gotten on the same place of like, we tired. We want to take the capes off. We're tired. Yeah. We're tired. All of us. Because I feel I feel like one thing that helps me, though, mentally when I go through things is I surround myself and I feel myself with people who get who feels me. Yeah.
So like I I'm around friends who speak positive, who don't want to constantly gossip and talk about negative things that make me sad or wants to give me the drama or the tea every day. Because the more you feel yourself with that, that's what's coming out. Yeah. So I also feel myself with different books that are motivating different podcasts that like help me to remember and to think of all the good things, to think of all the positive things, because.
That is either you're going to sink or you're going to swim. Like, and I don't want to sink based off of a song. Yeah. I don't need to surround myself with people who are constantly calling and giving me information that's not good for me. Yeah. So I'm like, I feel like as women, we have to take control of our own mental state sometimes. Absolutely. Like, it's easy to go through a breakup and cut on K. Michelle and Mary J. Blige. For sure. Yeah.
But at some point you need to cut her off because she's going to have you out here. She's going to have you for the streets. And now and now you're trying to be different. She's going to have you for the streets. She's going to have you calling somebody, send a text message. They don't get you anywhere. Like so I'm I have learned to do that. Like I feel myself. I surround myself with people who want to see me win. Yeah.
Which is amazing in itself. So I feel like I trust my friends when they say I can help you. I just learning to like accept it. I think it's my problem is accepting the help and not allowing it to make you feel like it is an indictment on your parenting or your ability to be responsible. Yeah. You got to remember you're human. You know, at the end of the day, I'm human. Yeah.
Child, I could talk to you all day. I have an advice question. This podcast would be two hours long if I let it because you got the juice. Can I tell you something? Of course. I call you Cousin Sarah. Oh, you didn't tell me it was a family reunion. If you... I'm on the podcast listening to Cousin Sarah in the car.
Well, hey, cousin. We're vibing. I should have known this because we're related, guys. Duh. We forgot. Okay. I've got an advice question for you, cousin. Okay. I am 22 years old. I am a very sensitive and emotional woman. I believe I have a huge heart and I expect others to treat me with the same respect.
With that being said, I constantly find myself in the same situation. I am always there for people, even if they have done the worst to me. This naive moment, someone I love hurt me, resulting in me hurting them back. But in this case, I forgave them and they won't forgive me. My question is, should I let this person go or should I continue to hold on and keep trying?
So I guess I want to ask her, what would you be holding on to? Yeah. I think we have to she needs to realize, like, you cannot expect somebody to do the things that you do. Yeah. You have she has to let go of it. Sounds like she wants that person to mirror her. And we're all created differently. Like, yeah.
Nobody's going to care the way I care. Nobody's going to do what I do. So you have to release the thought of trying to control what someone else is doing. You will never, you will never control the way someone else reacts. So I think she needs to release that thought, that feeling first, because I feel like she, she's only holding on to so that person can forgive her because she forgives. Yeah. And I guess I also will add to the fact of,
When you retaliate, what did you gain? What are we gaining from retaliation? It's an ongoing back and forth game and nobody wins. I think when you win is when you stop. You step back and say, I'm better than this. I've forgiven you. You can't forgive me. I understand. I appreciate you. See you later. I totally agree because if you're...
If you are seeking someone's forgiveness and they are in a place where they are unable to forgive you, then their unforgiveness is affecting your journey of healing. And you have to be willing to ask yourself, how does their unforgiveness affect my ability to heal? And what barriers or boundaries do I need to have so that I can continue to heal while giving them space to forgive?
you know, sort out their unforgiveness. And I do think there's a difference between someone who hasn't forgiven you, but wants to forgive you, which means they have a goal in mind versus someone who has decided like, I just can't get over it. Because if someone says, I just can't get over it, then you need to give them space so that you can move around them. But if someone is in a situation where they say, you know what, I want to, I don't know how, but this is what I want to do for the sake of
us being together, then I believe that there's space then to talk about, okay, well, this is how your unforgiveness shows up and hurts me. What can I do to help you? There's more compromise available to you, but I would not just stay somewhere where someone's unforgiveness is affecting my ability to heal. You got to move on. That's my two cents. It's hard. It's hard, but it's okay. It's going to be harder to stay in that and trying to
win over their forgiveness control or manipulate them into forgiveness because that's what we do like what can I do now to make you forgive me but forgiveness is an inside job yep it's a personal decision yeah Marissa you're everything and I love it thank you thank you for doing this with me
This was awesome. It's going to help so many people. And I feel like I need to like force you to send a message asking for help for something. Can you bring me some groceries? Can you bring me some milk? Can you come get the kids? I want you to practice. I want to hear a testimony service about you asking someone for help.
Okay, I got you. You promise? I'm going to do it. You promise? I promise. I promise. Okay, because cousins don't lie to each other. I was going to say cousins don't lie to each other. Okay? Okay. Thank you. Take care of yourself. You too. Bye. Bye.
Marissa says, I want to thank you for emailing us your story, your energy, your heart is infectious. I feel blessed from having been in your life. If you guys want to join me in a family reunion next time and let me know how we are related, uh,
please reach out to us at podcast at woman evolve.com. All you have to do is send a one to two minute video about why you should be my next co-host. Even if co-hosting isn't your vibe, but you want us to get in your business, send your advice question to the same email. I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon.
I'm not going to stop. I think I love it, love it. Never underestimate.
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