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What's good? It's Colleen Witt and Eating While Broke is back for season three. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeart Radio. We're serving up some real stories and life lessons from people like Van Lathan, DC Youngfly, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, and many more.
They're sharing the dishes that got them through their struggles and the wisdom they gained along the way. We're cooking up something special. So tune in every Thursday. Listen to Eating While Broke on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Presented by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Yo, it's Big Bank. Check out my podcast, Prospective with Bank, on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Each and every Monday, Prospective with Bank podcasts will feature individuals, all walks of life, who come together to share their unique perspective and engage in enlightened conversation. This podcast will explore all types of conversations from everyday people, your favorite celebrities. Every Monday, listen to Prospective with Bank on Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple
God can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no edge entity. You need boundaries. What? I don't need your likes. I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things.
Hey you. So listen, I have been so excited about the conversation we have been having about sisterhood all month long. One of the things I love about these conversations is that it gives us an opportunity to explore the beauty, the complications, the frustrations, the triumphs of sisterhood.
I knew that we could not have a conversation about sisterhood though without getting an expert in the mix. Okay, so I have asked Dr. Love McPherson to join us. She has over two decades of mental health experience. She's a captivating speaker and amazing author, but most importantly, she is someone who recognizes that she was born to do the very thing that she is doing right now.
Let me tell you why I want her to be a part of it. Because in sisterhood, sometimes you need a third party to help translate. I am reminded of Martha and Mary and Martha was busy. Jesus was visiting and she was doing what needed to be done in the home. Mary sitting down at his feet.
She goes up to Jesus, she's like, "Hey, why don't you do something about this?" And Jesus translates for her exactly where her sister is and what value and honor she can take from the position her sister is in. Different expressions of what should be done in any moment, different postures for how they were showing up in that particular moment. And yet because of translation, there was a level setting.
I'm hoping that as you are watching this or listening to this podcast, that you have an opportunity to bring to mind one of your sisters. Maybe you guys didn't share the same household. Maybe instead you met somewhere along the way of life. I want you to take a moment and bring her to your mind. What do you enjoy about her? What do you love about her?
Where are you hopeful that you all will stay connected? Where are you fearful that you all could grow apart? You can bring your truth here. You can be safe here because Dr. Love is going to lead us into loving her in every stage of life. Let's go.
Dr. Love, I have a question for you. We're diving right into it, okay? If your older sister could introduce you, how would she introduce you? You have this incredible pedigree with all of these dynamic achievements. You're a world changer. You are a viral superstar. You are...
constantly featured on different news programs. You've got books and resources. Your social media platform is a resource within itself. Anytime we go in there, we have had therapy. But your sister, who's seen the whole story, if she could introduce you, how would she introduce you? I would hope that she would introduce me as friend.
Because you have a choice of your friendships. And sisters, I didn't have a choice. We were raised in the same house no matter what. But at the point in which you choose someone, and if she chose me, and she has chosen me, and I have chosen her, I would love the honor of being called her friend. Have you all always been friends, or do you have to work into that? That's a good question. I was just telling my daughter about this.
I have eight siblings. My oldest brother is 10 years older than me. My youngest brother is 10 years younger than me. And so there's a wide span. I didn't really know my older sister until she started dating. And because I was with my brother, so I'm out... He was a football player and things. He's one year older than me. So we would just play ball all the time. I just grew up playing ball. And so...
My sister, once she started dating, we started talking. And that's when I started relating to her. She was in high school and I was kind of right there in eighth grade or something like that. And freshman and senior and things like that. That's when we began to form a relationship. But once we formed a relationship, it was absolutely inseparable. Wow. Wow.
Okay, so we're talking about sisterhood all this month at Woman Evolve. And I love that we have you as a relationship expert who's not just focusing on romantic relationships, but relationships in general. And one of the things that I have discovered in sisterhood is that it can be sometimes challenging to watch your sister go through something that you can't protect her from, that she's not wanting to accept your advice about.
How do we handle the moments in life where our sisterhood is more sisterhood than friendship?
You know, I think that we have to, first of all, separate ourselves because what can happen to us is that we can feel a sense of rejection when they don't do what we want them to do. We want to control the relationship and control their behaviors. But there is a season where you just have to accept and you have to not always offer unsolicited advice. You have to sometimes just rest in patience.
their foolishness, rest in their bad decisions. And then just still honor them because there's a season where they will come back out.
And you need to be that voice where they say, I remember when I was going through this, that person was there. You'll never forget the people who abandoned you. You'll never forget the people who stood by you when it wasn't even popular to stand by you. And so I think that at the times where there is not popular to stand by your sisters. And, you know, I categorize that actually in three parts. You stand.
You stand by your sisters through the I will nevers. When you say, I'll never let this happen. I'll never do. The I will nevers is a personal vow that you make unto yourself. But what happens is you guard that. You don't allow God to guard that. You guard that with your own thing. And that is an act.
to fear and it comes, those vows come through pain. It comes from hurt. Somebody hurt you or betrayed you. I'll never let a man do this to me. I'll never let a person or a female do this to me. The other one is the I can'ts. You have to love your sisters through the I can'ts where you feel like, yes, you can, but the insecurity shows up. You have to still be there for them and love them through the I can'ts. And then the rebellious stage is the I won'ts.
And the, oh, I won't. Nope, I will not. I will not. And sometimes you just want to walk away. But those who are really called to be your sisters and those who are your sisters, you have to stay with them through all three of those stages of their lives that will show up at some point, usually in everybody's life. Okay, now I'm going to ask you a very deep question.
Why? Like in a world where we are encouraging boundaries, where we're talking about whether a person is safe or unsafe, if we have someone who we have been in relationship with, whether they're sisters because we're family or sisters because we've been friends for a long time and we notice that they're going through a season that is damaging, what is the fine line between supporting them
But now that I'm supporting you, it's also discouraging me. Like there's a difference. I think like, how do you discover that line? And then how do you create that distance?
and still maintain sisterhood, or can you? You can because you have to define your boundaries. Because at a point in which your toxicity is affecting me and I'm not birthing on the earth what I need to be birthing and bringing into fruition what I need to be bringing into fruition, then I have to separate myself. And this is the thing. A lot of times we look at that as being harsh. But guess what?
God says unconditional love. He will give you unconditional love, but he never promised you unconditional relationship. He has a whole hell for people who he's not in unconditional relationship with. And so he will separate himself. Why? Because he doesn't love you? No, it's not because he doesn't love you. It's because his assignment is because of who he is. So when you know your assignment on the earth, you've got to protect yourself.
your assignment, you've got to protect what you have been called to do. And if that means to separate yourself and put boundaries there, you absolutely must do it because of what's on your life. Okay. That helped us. That helped. Well, I do think that at the end of the day, I think in the highest version of ourselves,
Especially as women. I feel like female relationships, friendships are just as romanticized as Prince Charming and finding the one and having sisters. And then you have people who have complicated relationships with women. Sometimes it's because of our own trauma coming to the table. Sometimes it's the combination of trauma or a person who's just underdeveloped in an area where we have grown. When we talk about underdevelopment in an area where we have grown, especially as sisters,
How do we maintain honor even when it feels like we're outgrowing someone without being arrogant? You know, first of all, let's look at this. Honor, actually, there's two types of honor. There is ascribed honor and there is achieved honor. Mm-hmm.
And so ascribed honor is nothing that you have done to earn it. You could be born in the royal family and we have to honor you, not because of any achievement. Achieved honor is something that you've done. This is what trips us up all the time, especially on social media because we're comparing ourselves and we're searching for achieved honor.
And we're comparing it to other people who have achieved higher. Yeah. And that can be a distraction. Now, when we're talking about ascribed honor, because it's nothing that you have done, but it is because of who you are, what you're looking at is sisters who don't see themselves.
And because they don't see themselves and they can only see you and see what you are, then that's when the toxicity shows up. That's when they turn on themselves and but expect you to stay loyal to them while they have turned on themselves. Mm.
They want you to be loyal and trustworthy while they are betraying themselves because trauma will distort how you see yourself. Once you take off the ascribed honor of being born and being made in the image and the likeness of God. Now, let's think about sisterhood, first of all. Let's just look at our sisters. First of all, there is nothing that you can look at on this earth differently.
in human form, in buildings or whatever that was not produced through the portals of a woman. We are the surrogate of God. That is an ascribed honor to us. Whether we are birthing children or birthing visions or birthing conferences or whatever the case may be, God ascribed honor to us. So first of all, we all have to look at our sisters with the ascribed honor that God did.
That as the portals of humankind. Okay. However, when the person has lost their image and has been defeated by the lies, just like in the garden, if they've been, they have lost their sense of who they are, you can't give it back.
And a lot of times we will take too much superpower upon ourselves as though us, we will love them back to life. We can't love anybody back to life. We can love them, but their life has to come from God. We cannot assert the
and what the Holy Spirit is here to do. We can't take on that kind of thing. They have to come to themselves and rise up. But as far as what you're saying is, how do we separate and fill...
kind of almost like not feel guilty for setting boundaries. And like not judging them. Because I think that happens a lot where we're like, you know, I just outgrew the relationship or, you know, they're so immature. And I think what you're saying really relies on a sense of compassion for that person, a sense of grace for that person, while also maintaining the boundaries that keeps that person from inflicting harm on you. Yes. And this is the thing.
Check your heart. As long as you are honoring them in your heart, but separating them in relationship,
You're good because there's two places. You know, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will not allow Satan to speak in my ear that's forsaking and turn my heart against you. Now, we make sure that our heart is not forsaken in judging our sisters because we don't know what they're going through. But at the same time, we're still, because of our assignment, we still have to protect until they get their. And so here's the thing.
When you talk about sisterhood, when you talk about friendships, first of all, a lot of times we just take that friend and we just generic it. But there are different levels of friendship. And the social media has definitely muddied the water. Yeah. It has muddied. So they're friends by default.
You're my friend just because I happened. You were hired at the same company as me and we work in the same thing. You're my friend because you just happened to be my sister and you were born in the family. You're my cousin. You're not really my friend. You're a friend by default. You're not even somebody I've chosen. It's somebody proximity. I was close.
forced to be around. Now, don't get that confused with your sister friends. The sister friends are those people who know where the bodies are buried, okay? And they got you. And so what I'm saying to you is at a season where you see the woman is evolving, you've got to evolve with it and say, okay, that was a beautiful season. I hope I've imparted
what I needed to in that season, but now things have got to shift and things got to change. And when it changes, if you stay there, guess what's going to happen? You will lose the grace to be a good friend and you will do more damage than good anyway.
Get us together now. Losing the grace to be a good friend. Absolutely. Because now you're irritated. You're annoyed. You can't even serve this person well. Not only that, you will trigger their past traumas because your rejection, your lack of availability, they will see it as abandonment. They will see it as neglect. If they had that in their background, then you will trigger that. It will feel the same. So you will literally traumatize your friend when you don't. People have asked, oh,
I'd love to mentor you. I'm sorry. I wouldn't do you grace. I wouldn't do you well. And so I'll have to turn people down because I know even when you want to be my friend, if I don't have the time, I will absolutely harm you before I will help you. And so I have to really be very intentional about all of my relationships. And at the point when you can't, you need to stop. That's good. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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Okay, so there has been a transition that has occurred in my womanhood where I have gone from seeing my mother as just my mother and seeing her as a sister, a sister in the Lord, a sister in life, a sister in parenting.
That is a transition that I recognize I'm fortunate enough to have that not everyone else experiences. But I know that you have adult children. And so I am curious, what is it like for you to see your daughters who you were once, you know, raising and guiding and rearing and maybe to a certain extent still are. Right. But to see them transition into womanhood and to see them woman to woman and not just as mother daughter.
It has been awesome for me to see this, but let me tell you something. It has been very intentional because a lot of times what happens is with mothers, sometimes we don't know how to separate a relationship with a child in a relationship with an adult. And that has to be a very much on purpose. As much as I am a relationship expert, guess what?
My daughter is married. Tiffany is married. And I do not give unsolicited marital advice to them. Is that hard for you? Do you have to bite your tongue or that comes easy for you? It really comes easy because my mother did this too. And people would come and want to know about relationships. And she never, ever gave us unsolicited advice. So it's easier when you've seen something happen than when you're trying to overcome like an over-parenter, somebody who's intrusive.
And so it does come easy because it's just what I've—that's the only thing I know. But it has been intentional. Now, let me tell you something. As I'm watching them, I actually—some of the things that I see is, you know what?
You actually, love, you worry too hard during those teenage years sometimes. Wow. I remember when they were going through teenage years. Let me tell you something. It was messy, okay? Yeah. And I remember...
typing up, I just, you know, computers were just coming out back then that for home use. I typed up some stuff and put it on the wall and I would just go to the wall and stand there and said, my, great will be the peace of my children because they are taught of the Lord. I would just sit there and just recite the stuff, you know, and I mean, you look and say, well, plant things like, oh, she's going to be this and she's going to do this and she's, and
all of these lies and fear and things like that. And you can have the ability to act anxiously. So when I see that my daughters love God and my daughters are moving forward, and even though they're still like me, we all go through different things. It's still refreshing to know that God is faithful. Yeah.
God is faithful. And I think that because of that, that privilege of perspective, I cherish it now. And I encourage people, when you see that little girl, don't judge her. I don't care what she's going through, at what stage of her life she's in. Keep your mouth off of her. My mother taught me this. She said, she raised eight kids, and she says,
And we're all in church, right? So she says, I'm not going to out you, but I'm not going to cover you if you do wrong. I'm not going to lie for you. Wow. And so she said, but I'm not going to, she said, I'm not going to go and testify about you. She said, because of this, she said, I have, I have, my love can cover you.
And even remember, she called it when you was climbing Fool's Hill. And she said, but my love can cover you. She said, but the other people, theirs came. So I am not going to destroy you while you're young.
with my words and outing you. I'm going to let you because there's another call in the next half of your life. And so I'm just going to cover it, keep my mouth shut. But if somebody say you did something, I'm not going to sit there and lie. Can you remember the first time that you like looked at your daughter and like, that's a woman right there. Like she, that's a woman's stuff that she's doing and who she has become. Like, can you remember that transition? I've got
I'm a bonus mom to two girls, and they were on the edge of adulthood. But the girls who I birthed and I'm watching them transition, I'm just wondering, will I always see them as these precious little girls, which I'm sure maybe in some way I will. But will I also see that moment where they've fully stepped into the fullness of who they are as women? The easiest one to see would be my youngest daughter because she's birthed my daughter.
adoring grandson. So I'm telling you, I'm like, oh, she can do no wrong. You just keep mothering. But I love how she mothers. I love that she wants to take it to the next level. I love her involvement with them. So when I watch her mother, it brings me joy. Tiffany, when I watch her in business, because I've always been in business, so she's kind of, you know, when I see that, I say,
And I see her working with her clients because I'm not her only client. And when I see her growing her business and doing what she needs to, that brings me joy. And seeing her in her relationship with her husband. And so that has brought me joy as well. So, yeah, I can't remember the exact moment.
But I think the moment that I get is like ongoing. Yeah. Okay. So that brings me to my next question because both of those things, whether it's your daughter with her business or your other daughter who's just had your grandson, I think it speaks to the ability to give a woman space to grow, change, and transform. And as it relates to sisterhood and really continuing to honor one another in the different stages of life,
When we see someone expanding into an area that we never thought that they would be in or into a person who we never thought they would be, the grief of maybe losing the friend that we knew. Oh, so good. You know, maybe they got married, maybe they had children, they are in school, and the connection is not as tight as it once was. I'm wondering, what do we do with that grief? And how do we...
adjust to a new way of being sisters when life has changed? You know, you have to stop. And if you're grieving somebody else's success, you do have to stop and say, hey, do I have some abandonment in my childhood?
Even if it was just a death, even if it was a parent that was not there, even if it was a parent that was too busy to be there, are you experiencing the same level of pain as this person is too busy for you or is not present for you? Is this what you're re-experiencing and therefore you're responding to that? Because a lot of times when somebody does not have the ability to
To celebrate your successes, it's because your success brings them some level of pain. And a lot of time that pain is not just the present pain, but it also speaks to the past pain. So your success is their loss. Their loss. Absolutely. But a lot of time that loss has been compounded.
Yeah. You have to you have to see. It's not fresh. It's not fresh. It's not fresh. You're resurfacing something. But guess what? When you resurface that, it's for a reason, because if it's down in their amygdala in the you know, where the trauma center is, then God wants to get that up because that's your autopilot.
If your autopilot, if your default settings is that and you don't even realize it's there and it's lying there, you need that excavated and out of you and healed. And so that you can actually see, no, this is my game. Because as I began to celebrate my sister, as I began to allow her the wings to fly, then, you know, but.
Here's the thing. When you were asking me about my sister, my sister is actually content with what she's doing. You know, she's just content with her life. She's not competing. She's not any of that stuff. If she were, then it might be some problems, you know, but she's just loves to celebrate me. So I love the fact that there is no competition, that she's where she wants to be.
and where she wants to be is not anywhere near where I am but she's still content okay so now I have like 18,000 questions to ask you because discontentment and sisterhood does breed envy and jealousy it does and
And, okay, so that's one thing. I need a notebook. I'm going to start taking notes on my phone because, baby, we got questions. Okay, so we have the discontentment that produces envy that makes it difficult for us to have sisterhood. And then there is a type of sisterhood that is only strong as long as a person stays down. Oh, yeah.
Is that the same thing as discontentment or is that control? Like, help me understand why we can only be sisters if I'm suffering, if I'm in pain. But the moment I start to feel confident or begin to have a sense of awareness and purpose, now your goal is to remind me how much of who I was or how much I need you. Are those two things connected or do you see them as separate?
Well, sometimes they can be separate, sometimes they can be connected. Let me tell you when they are something separate.
A lot of times what happens is this. When we have a low sense of our own self, because remember, all relationships, every relationship is going to be first affected by your relationship with yourself and how you see yourself. I cannot honor you more than I honor myself. I cannot see you more highly than I see myself. So what happens is this. When I don't see myself as acquired, ascribed honor. Wow.
Then because I've done nothing to earn it, I'm searching for the achievement, but I can't match your achievement. You don't have to match my achievement that you have been ascribed honor if we can get that part now. But if I haven't, because trauma is distorted, how I see myself or whatever the case may be, my life right now is not does not look like I am honorable or I am doing things right.
This is what ends up happening. We feel that we have to form relationships off of people who need us rather than want us.
And so we have codependent relationships. We will attract men or husbands or children. We will keep children down and beat them down just so that they will be dependent on us. We will pick men who don't have jobs and who need an apartment and bring them in and take care of them. We will pick friendships who...
they can't pay rent or they're feeling down or they're depressed and you just giving them a word and you praying over them, you will do find people who need you
and because you don't trust that you have the glue to be wanted. And therefore, when that person has the options, and this is the thing, you're talking about a sister, but I'm talking about parenting as well. That is probably the place that every parent has to come to, which if you can say your mother is your friend now, but this is the thing. Every parent knows this.
While you're in my home, you need me. I'm paying the bills and we'll remind you. I'm the one who's doing this. I'm doing this. You have no options. However, when you have an option to choose me, there has to be something in the past in that relationship that I have done to make you want to come back to Thanksgiving meal. That want to come and visit me. That want to receive my call.
Why? Not because I put you in a guilt trip because you want. The same happens in relationships. Because now that you have the option and you're doing better and you're looking better and people are seeing you differently, will you choose me? We go back to the soul that we talked about. We want to control people's soul. I need you to choose me.
But you don't control people's soul. And the way they choose you may look different at different stages of their life. I still choose you, but my time does not allow me the same luxury as hanging out for five hours with you. Five hours?
The amount of stuff that I have to accomplish in five hours. Or the nothing I want to do in five hours. Yes, exactly. If I got five hours. I want to do nothing. Do you know how many Netflix series I could catch up on? Right, do you know? Yes. And so it looks different and they are different is fearful because different can be read and misinterpreted as different.
We're not this year. You don't want me. You haven't chosen me because see if you're cognitive, you have cognitive distortions. You don't even know what that you're rejecting the person. And this is what happens. Rejection is a big deal. When you talk about rejection of, you know, between sisters, um,
Rejection happens, the person who fears rejection the most, those are the people who reject the most often. Because they're expecting to be rejected, so you'll see them walking around without being friendly, kind of expecting it. And you don't know how to read through them. And those who are dealing with that, like, oh, maybe she thinks she's this, or actually you're fearing rejection. And so what ends up happening is you will reject the people that you want to accept you.
Wow. And call it, they reject you.
Okay, so, all right. Do you understand what I'm saying? I do, I do. I think it's so easy to try and take that definition and ascribe it to a person I know, but I think to ascribe it to my own personal development, I think when I felt the most rejected, the most unwanted, the most dishonorable, that I, it's crazy that God has allowed me this opportunity to serve women because at the end of the day, I,
I was so envious of women who looked like they had it together, of women who had done things the right way, of women who were excelling. And I know now that it was a reflection of how discontent I was within myself. And so I...
I can imagine that I definitely carried myself with some get away from me energy based off of the fact that I was afraid that proximity would lend me to rejection again. You know, sometimes I still, okay, therapy, here we go.
Someone asked me at a woman evolve event, they were like, how does it feel to be so beloved? And I was like, I don't like it. Like my initial reaction is I don't like it. And I think it is rooted in my experience with rejection and the fear that like people can love you one day and walk away from you the other. And so on one hand, I love it and honor it, but I don't trust it.
That is so important that when you say I don't trust it because you've been traumatized by it. Yeah. The same people. And that's why I say you won't forget those people who treated you some kind of way when you were at your lowest. But this is the thing. This is the trick when you don't trust it. Even when you were at your lowest.
When you were off putting or isolating or whatever your energy was that you was feeding out to people, they thought it was because you thought you were better. They thought it was because you were the daughter of Bishop Jake. They thought, you know, they assumed things about you simply just you of a dad. They assumed things about you that were not true while you were better.
pulling back because that's not what was going on internally. So we're wrestling with people and when you bring it all to the table, none of it is truth. It's just a bunch of lies being fed into our ears. And so we have to do this.
We don't have to trust people. Love trusteth all things, believeth all things, but it believes what the Bible says. It believes in your ability to recover. And that's what you have to really believe in. Even if this person now at your level, now think about this. Trauma says, I remember this.
When the whole place, I was somebody and then I was nobody. I remember falling from grace, right? Okay, so you remember that and now it's your status. It'll say, what if it all falls off today? Well, guess what? You are not your 13 year old self. Let's put this in perspective.
how exactly what would you fall from? What exactly, how much would you truly lose? Because some of this you do because it's your calling, not because you wake up every day
I don't wake up every day and say, love Vic Pearson. Let's go to the TV. Let's go do this. I do this because this is what I'm called to do. Right. But I'm really loving those five hours in bed if I could. Right. And so what I'm saying to you is you will be you. They don't have the same power over you, the same ability to topple you.
Even at your knowledge, your anointing, your ability, what you have, it just doesn't feel it won't be the same. But trauma won't tell you that. It'll say you will go on and experience the exact same thing. And we will fear that. And it's just not true. Whatever.
Whatever. Okay. That's my way of saying I'll take that marinade on it when I don't have lights and cameras in front of me. But heavy on the whatever. Okay.
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How intentional do you think it is for us to really take the time to celebrate the women in our lives who are showing up in ways that maybe they don't see?
I think sometimes as women, we can become so used to all of us doing what needs to be done, doing what we have to do that we take for granted and as normal the supernatural strength it takes to be a woman. I'm thinking that this morning I was getting my makeup done and a fellow mom, school had just started, and she was telling me how she was like rushing out of the door and she was, you know, the sun's got...
he's got football practice, I think. And so she's like, he's at six and these are seven. We're rushing and we're getting here on time. And I was like, girl, I understand. Like, cause I'm like giving my list, but neither of us,
take the time to really be like, you know what? I'm proud of you. Yes, maybe it's the basics. Yes, you had to do what you had to do, but at the end of the day, I know it wasn't easy from firsthand experience, and I just want to tip my hat off to you for out here doing the hard things that no one else could do, would do, or want to do, but you're standing up to it. How often do we need to do that with the women in our lives? We need to do it regularly, not only to the women in our lives, but to ourselves. Okay.
And when you make it a habit of doing it to yourself, and I'm gonna tell you why. It may sound technical, but you have to pay attention to the fact that this is the truth. God knew how he created us, and there are certain things he told us to remember.
Remember about ourselves. Remember our positions and things like that. Why? Because we have, I think it's 75,000 thoughts every day. 75,000 thoughts. And we have, our brain will function it. We have the capacity to hold the entire store, the entire internet. But at the same time, 50% of what we learn today
We dump within an hour of learning it.
So our brain chooses for us what it wants us to remember. And usually it's negativity bias. It tells us, remember the pain because you don't want to have to experience that past pain again. Remember this. That was bad. Remember this was bad. It's always trying to protect you on purpose and only on purpose. Will you remember to do the good things? It will dump it within an hour. You will have gone through all of that this morning and
And by the time this evening, you will not have celebrated. You will not have congratulated yourself or others because it has dumped it within an hour because the next hour you're back to doing making more decisions. You're back to working it. So what you have to do is on purpose. Remember, think on these things.
Remember, this is the creator of you telling you, I know I created this brain better than AI. It is a system that is greater than any computer. I need you to be very intentional about what is programmed inside of you in order to reach your maximum performance. And I am telling you, to reach your maximum performance,
You must on purpose take notes to just like those, the emails you're sending out every day with the fasting and all the things. This is intentional. This is what I want you to think on as you're preparing yourself. And as they make that a 40-day habit, as they're approaching, that's what's going to happen. You reprogram. This is what you think on. This is what you pray on. This is what you meditate on. This is what you listen to. Think on these things. Don't let it dump out of your brain.
And then you continue on autopilot, never show appreciation to yourself. And therefore, you don't even have a habit of appreciating others. And so make sure that that is an intentional behavior that you cultivate within yourself. Whatever. Whatever. I think I'm going to use that one.
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It is my belief that when you have experienced trauma, especially when you internalize it, I guess often when you externalize it as well, that the hardest person to be a sister to is the woman we were yesterday.
the woman we were at our lowest, the woman we were when we were making the mistakes. I like to call it Eve behavior when we knew better but didn't do better. And often we do try to achieve our way out of it or ignore it, pretend it all together. How do we reclaim unity within ourselves by becoming a sister to the darkest version, most angry, most bitter version of who we are?
Oh, that is such a dynamic question. A lot of times when I'm working with my clients, what I'll do is I will take them back to their seven-year-old self or their 13-year-old self or their 20-some-year-old self. And I will ask them to look around the room. A lot of times they say there's a domestic violence or something like that or things are happening. And I'll say, look at your seven-year-old self. What is she thinking?
They're not in tune with their seven-year-old self because they're so busy looking externally. Because other people have forgotten to scan them, they have forgotten to scan themselves. Because it has been normalized to dismiss how you're feeling about me knocking your mother up against the head or somebody shooting your brother.
Because we've become that child was conditioned to just get up and keep moving. They forgot to stop and look at themselves. And I will make them go back and say, look at her eyes. What does she need you to do? And I need you to walk into the room and talk to your 13-year-old self or talk to your 7-year-old self and tell her what she needs to hear. And I'll make them get down and hold her.
And tell her they love her. And a lot of times that does bring you to tears because you have gotten so used to how people treated her and how you saw her. You've got to look at her different because let me tell you something. If you didn't have your 13 year old self, you would not be here today. Those ladies who show up, they say, you offer hope.
Because you were them. You understood. You understand their pain. You understand their traumas. And so if it wasn't for her, if it wasn't for her understanding certain things, and your ability to not pretend she never exists, then...
You'd never be who you are on this stage. It was her who got you here. She walked you onto that stage. She walked you to this point. You've got to honor her for that. You have got to appreciate that she did not stop right there and fall right there, but she kept moving. The tenacity, the prayers, the godliness, the determination to move forward is
How can you not honor a 13-year-old like that or a 7-year-old or a woman who went through that type of public divorce? I'm talking about anybody. And so you have to stop. You have to pause and see when life and things have turned on you, but it has brought you to this place. You've got to go back and say, I love you and thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Hold them.
Look into their eyes. Thank you. I feel like that portion of it is going to, this podcast is going to be what someone replays and replays and helps to deliver them from the bondage of shame, of fear, of the future. Yes.
So thank you. Thank you for that. It's been such a pleasure. Okay, no, wait, before you go. Can you tell me the woman who has been the most influential in helping you to reclaim your little girl? I would say it would be my mother. My mother was so instrumental. And I think that she helped me reclaim her in all of her teachings.
But also I would say it started before I knew it. It started in my childhood at my birth because she named me love. And she named me love because of her love for my dad. But I was able to reclaim it by actually one day God said to me, "What is in your house?" And I knew there was wisdom in my house.
And people would say, oh, I was just talking, saying stuff my mother said and things I've normalized in my home. And people would be taken aback.
I had to stop and see there's value in this even on relationships because my mother always talked about relationships. That was just a normal conversation in our home, and I thought everybody was having conversations about relationships. And when the influence on my little girl who, on the schoolyard, who got tired of people saying love and making faces, and somebody says, what's your name? And I said, Gloria. Mm-hmm.
And I remember standing in a crowd like a couple days later and somebody was saying, Gloria, Gloria. And I wouldn't respond. And she hit me on the back and she said, Gloria. And my friends, I broke from the circle and my friend said, her name ain't Gloria, that's love. Yeah.
I didn't appreciate it. The little girl didn't appreciate her name, didn't realize that my mother saw something in my name. She saw something in me. And so she's able to help me go back, reclaim my name, which is my purpose, which is my ministry, which is my anointing and my call. Yeah. What do you hope that she knows about her inspiration in your life?
I would hope that my mother would know that she has succeeded in the generational legacy of leaving a priceless gift behind. That all of her work and her ministry and her prayers, even her confession that I have not birthed one child to populate hell.
That all of those prayers, everything she spoke over me, everything she encouraged, everything she took from me, and in the many hours of making me memorize 1 Corinthians 13 chapter, the whole chapter, not verses, and doing all of the chapter learning, it all paid off. Mm-hmm.
Now, your mama was in love. She had eight kids and she still named you love. Like, it's one thing to name the first one love. I say that all the time. I was the sixth child and she named her love. So I knew that. Baby, I don't want none of that.
Honey. I'm not going to stick around. The kitchen is closed. Listen, okay, we got to find, we're going to name a business love, name a car love, but I don't know about these children. Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your heart and the work that you do. We're better. And thank you for this opportunity. It's been such a pleasure to be just,
with you and to watch you grow and to watch your ministry manifest and for you to be a part of the wounds and the bruises ministry like I am. Yeah. And to see you doing that and the chastisement ministry,
that you are offering what the blood has prepared for the people and what Jesus' blood did. We cannot just skip it and cross over to the healing ministry, physical healing. We've got to go through, get all of the goodness that he paid for. And I just love that you are building conferences on the healing part that he did. Thank you. Absolutely.
Dr. Love, it was an absolute pleasure to glean from your insight and expertise. I appreciate you taking the time to teach us how to give our girls their flowers, but also how to give ourselves our flowers. It will stick with me what you said about going back to visit that little girl within and being the best big sister to her possible.
I can't wait to hear how nurturing one another's growth and development unlocks the potential of sisterhood in your life. Make sure you drop us a line on the socials or even send us an email. We want to hear how you're honoring the sisters that you have within reach. See you next week.
What's good? It's Colleen Witt and Eating While Broke is back for season three. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. We're serving up some real stories and life lessons from people like Van Lathan, DC Youngfly, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, and many more.
They're sharing the dishes that got them through their struggles and the wisdom they gained along the way. We're cooking up something special, so tune in every Thursday. Listen to Eating While Broke on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Presented by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Yo, it's Big Bank. Check out my podcast, Prospective with Bank, on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Each and every Monday, Prospective with Bank podcasts will feature individuals, all walks of life, who come together to share their unique perspective and engage in enlightened conversation. This podcast will explore all type of conversations from everyday people, your favorite celebrities. Every Monday, listen to Prospective with Bank on Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple
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Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for an even more behind-the-scenes Scandal.
stories with Unpacking the Toolbox. Listen to Unpacking the Toolbox on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.