Be a Better Dad with Dr. Binyamin Rothstein and Linda Kreter
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Welcome to Wise Health for Women Radio with Linda Prater. Women are pressed daily to give more, learn more, and be more, often at the expense of mind, body, or spirit. Each week with intriguing guests and topics, we'll bring you fresh ways to view your limited time, encouraging a shift to new, healthier perspectives. Wise Health for Women Radio, helping women thrive. And now here's your host, Linda Prater.

Good morning and welcome to Wise Health for Women Radio. I'm Linda Crater and we have a wonderful discussion today with Dr. Binyamin Rothstein, a physician who has now turned to being a coach for young men. He's still obviously a physician and a wonderful healer. But there are some things that have moved him.

to become a coach to young men about how to be a good father. And we just passed Father's Day, and frankly, almost every day should be Father's Day and Mother's Day and Parents' Day. It's an amazing job for everyone to do.

But there are some principles that sometimes people were not exposed to growing up. And so I'd like to welcome Binyamin to the radio show. Good morning. Good morning, Linda. Good morning. Always good to be with you. Thank you. Likewise. I was thinking about our show before we came on and.

I mean, you have so many vast experiences and you know how to raise a large family of loving sons and daughters. And it's amazing. But here's an overarching question. Do those with good fathers, more often than not, go on to be good fathers? Yes.

Or I know some on the contrary view where someone did not have a good father and then vowed to become a very good father, to fill the void that they had. What's your feeling on that? Well, actually, the answer is, you know, yes, you have a good role model.

then you're going to become a better person as a rule. And there are some really wonderful people who had lousy role models, and because of that, they said, you know, I'm going to be not that way. I'm going to be something else. I want to become better. And it's very important to understand that people's journeys, you can encourage someone to break the pattern, break the mold, and become a terrific dad without having a terrific dad on their own. And you can do it. People can do it.

I do believe they can do it. I think it's such an interesting time to be living right now, watching while there is so much controversy in the world, a lot of values of civility, even discussion points are fraught with, I'll call them potholes. You don't want to fall into a pothole. And so we're being careful in a way that I'm not sure we've been aware

except individually sometimes. And yet there's some truisms that we always need someone who loves us, who supports us, is your go-to person. To some people, that's a parent, to other it's a friend, to other it's someone in the clergy. It's very different, but we

We need to have the integrity and values that are supported. And I think when we look at, we're mentioning fathers today specifically, when we look at the number of fatherless households, it's really grown. It's frightening. And it's not just fathers, even when the fathers are present, I mean, they're in the house, but not present for their kids. They don't know how to be a dad to their kids. They don't know how to relate to their kids. Right.

And so it becomes a snowballing effect. People are trying to accomplish, do something, and their family comes to take second place. Or perhaps they can do something. So escaping into their phone or escaping into their little mini world, they just come take second place. And so there's so many seemingly normal, great guys around.

I'm a couple of guys in my community. I remember many, many years ago. And they're good guys, smart, had a nice income, married, stable. But they were awful fathers. Define awful father for me. Well, they would embarrass their kids, disappoint their kids, yell at their kids, inappropriately discipline their kids. They would belittle their kids. They just weren't present. They just weren't there. And

I saw it happening in front of me, but I didn't know what to do about it. Like a deer in the headlights. What do I do? And so, you know, I watched it and as well, their kids are not going to interfere. It's not my life. It's their life. You know, that kind of storyteller selves to avoid responsibility. And so now all the kids are just struggling so horrifically. All ones are doing well. The ones who rejected their family entirely. And it's so pathetic. It's so universal. Yeah.

One of my favorite stories, I've dealt with hundreds and hundreds, many thousands of kids now. I'm on those track after a while. All around the world, my travels and places around the country. And I like talking with teens, like late teens, early 20s. Those who are troubled, those who are struggling. And so I would talk to them. And after a while, I was talking to hundreds of them. I started asking them a few basic questions. And the question was interesting. I asked the question, did your father ever hug you?

And Angel almost always a no. Interesting. So touch was absent. It's a hug. It's an embrace. It's something that a father does to a child, that a mother can't do this for a child. Mothers can't, but a father's hug is much more powerful, much more reassuring, much more...

empowering from a father and from a mother. Well, as a daughter, I agree with you. I mean, I remember hugs from my father as just feeling like a super safe place. Right, right, right. And it's so often that

I remember one time we were living in Israel at the time, and my daughter brought one of her friends home from school to, you know, spend time with us over the weekend and so forth. It was very nice. And she told me, me and my daughter, we gave her a big hug and a kiss and talked to her. And she says to her, my daughter, a friend says to her, we'll call her Debbie. Debbie says, my daughter says, your father hugs you? Of course. And she was like, mystified. We're talking, they don't know for dinner, we're talking a bit.

And she couldn't get over that fact. She says, you know, when she comes home, father sit down on the couch and look at her and talk to intently and speak to her and just that and the other. But never touches her. And what struck me so powerfully, she says, you know, my father never hugs me. Next word got me. He says, I wonder what's wrong with me. My father won't touch me.

But that is often the case, don't you think? Not with her, but kids reflected, what's wrong with me? I'm not worthy of being hugged. And so it just set off like flares in my head. Oh, my gosh. These kids think they're worthless. They're broken. They're damaged and not worthy of being embraced by their father.

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at your schedule and really help you to deal with tough issues. As Binyamin just shared, if you are taking on responsibility for something that really is not something you could control yourself,

Finding someone who's non-judgmental, who can talk you through what is your responsibility, what isn't your responsibility, how to move forward with more confidence, where to take it on your shoulders and where to not. Most of the time when we talk to ourselves in the mirror or to our friends, we're

We're just talking to people who have a narrative or an understanding of us. But when you talk to a therapist who is not tethered to all of the things that, you know, to make you feel good, but to help you find out and discover things to allow you to trust yourself better.

Because trusting yourself aligns with your values and the more you practice it, the better you get. I know that I benefited from therapy for those very reasons because you're not certain what is you because you are a commonality throughout your life. You're always present.

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That's H-E-L-P by visiting betterhelp.com forward slash wise and you'll get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com forward slash wise. It's so interesting. And today, Binyamin, bring us back to this faulty assumption that this girl had. What's wrong with her?

Yeah. Kids don't understand what's wrong with their parents. Kids look to their parents as gods, you know, how we treat our kids and kids perceive us. That's forming their entire life. And it's so interesting. I know some kids with really, really dysfunctional backgrounds, and they really have a hard time faulting their parents for some very bizarre behaviors.

Because they can't imagine their father or their mother being defective or having a problem. It doesn't make sense to them. Matter of fact, when kids realize their parents are flawed, it can be very shocking to a child. I laugh only because one time when my daughter said to me, but, you know, why? And I said, well, oh, if I gave you the impression that I'm perfect, please let me correct that wrong assumption.

Because we're not perfect. We're so flawed as parents, but we're just doing the best we can. Usually address that. Usually part. I get that. Yeah. Usually, you know, in the four principles of being a terrific dad, the consistency, the awareness, mindfulness, all of that is so important. And we slip up. We're going to slip up. We, we all, I might include, we all make mistakes. Um,

But I find that kids feel heard, accepted, loved, and supported. They really do quite well. The slogan is, you don't need to be a perfect dad to be a terrific dad. Oh, I like that. We don't want to be perfect dads, but you can be terrific even though we're flawed. Kids accept our flaws if they know we care about them sincerely and we're with them sincerely.

Once we have that relation with the kids, things will kind of flow. They flow nicely, actually. So tell me about this. You know, you are a physician. I've known you as a physician for a long time. And this has obviously been of interest to you because you love working with teenagers and youth and young families. And, you know, you're surrounded by terrific people. And so as you were creating...

Benyamin is running a program called BeATerrificDad.com, if you want to go find out more information now. I'm sure you took a look at these youth groups that you work with, your community, etc., and you said, you know, there's a couple things missing. Is that how this began? Well, it really began with looking at my patients, because my patients were

Just people and people do things even though they know it's bad for themselves. They know it's hurtful, destructive. They still keep doing it. You know, I know I should, but I know I shouldn't. But I call it the big butt syndrome. That took me by surprise. OK, great.

And so, but I watch people and they actually have a subconscious self-loathing. And they end up having, is it self-loathing? They do things that they know are destructive and unproductive to their lives. And not like because it feels good because they just actually enjoy almost as self-destructive behaviors. Is it self-sabotage?

It's more than sabotage. It's like they enjoy the pain of that. They enjoy not doing the right things. Well, where does that get learned? That I feel is because they don't feel loved by their fathers. That's where it came from. They feel loved, accepted by their fathers, self-loathing, really, really, really. I mean, we all have flaws, issues, and some of us get angry at ourselves. I'm not talking, I'm talking kids who have self-loathing and do something that's really, really,

Really awful, really bad, dumb. So self-loathing, are you talking low self-esteem or worse than that? I think it's, I'm not worthy. Oh boy. Okay. That's a big one. I'm not worthy. Because what I found is if your parents, but the fathers, the kids don't feel loved by their fathers. They really don't feel worthy of much.

rejected by the old man, they really feel unworthy. We feel unworthy and what's the point? And, you know, some of these guys grow up and become very successful, but they still have that self-loathing inside. They still create dysfunctional families. It's something I trace back to the fathers. And a lot of good guys, they just don't have your father. Nowadays, especially,

especially nowadays to be a good father is almost, it's so hard. The roles are so mixed up and you're so backwards. It's very confusing time. It sure is. So I'm going to tell you another story. Something you didn't expect this story. Okay. One of my daughters going through a difficult stage in life for their family. And she was looking and struggling, looking, looking, trying to find what's happened. What is her role in all this?

her husband had his issues, she had her issues, but what's her role? What's her role? And she went through all kinds of programs, stuff and so on. And she stumbled onto a book. And she's a reader, she's objective, she can look and really be, she's very intellectually curious. Mm-hmm. She read a book, and the book was a very, very, maybe it's still a controversial book, by Laura Doyle called The Surrendered Wife. Okay. And people think surrendered means submissive. It's not. It's surrendered. No.

And so she took, you got it, look for the book, took the program and she started metamorphosing. She became a different kind of person. Her husband started changing also, you know, like if you're making chicken soup, I'm Jewish chicken soup, right? Chicken soup, chicken soup. And if you change it, it can have an onion. You put a, uh, put an apple in there. What happens to the soup? Changes. Everything changes. Everything changes.

You change one ingredient of a mixture, everything changes. If one person changes, the whole family has to change. And so she got into the program. My wife got into the program also. And she developed the program. She took it and worked at it and changed it a little bit. It's now called Relationshift. And she's a very popular coach. She coaches a lot of women, a lot of courses she's given. My wife is awesome. All my girls, all of them got into this thing. It's so fantastic. Yeah.

And what we noticed was that there were several factors. One, the women did not know how to be women. Well, it's been confused for the last 40 years. Roles were changing. We were told we could do it all. But it's really, in my opinion, and this is controversial too, you know, it's really impossible to do it all. We have to sometimes, but it's not the ideal way. And so I...

I applaud your daughter for help. I've read a million self-help books myself. I can't say one moved me as much as what you're talking about. But there's often just one thing to shift. And it, as you said, changed the ingredient and changed the outcome. So it works for daughters too. Right. So...

Then the story gets better now. Okay. Very interesting because she began to talk to women, my wife, and they're all talking. Now I'm getting feedback, what's going on and people making changes, but they got a problem. Now here's a little side point. When you have a relationship with a teacher and a student, in the transmission information, who is more important, the teacher or the student? I would venture to say the student. Correct. Correct. A good student makes a good teacher.

If you really want to learn, your teacher will step up to the plate and really work harder. If you try to teach somebody, get a willing student, nothing more gratifying for a teacher than a willing student. Right. And so what happened was the women learning how to receive from the husband. Women taught for the last 40 years to give and take in charge and be powerful and direct and clear and be really all these masculine traits. What's left for the man to do?

And the men have been emasculated in the media and in the, what do you call them, advertisements. Everywhere. And there's just derisive speech and people kvetch at each other. And it's very unattractive. But I've watched it get worse in recent years, maybe because people were holed up during the pandemic or whatever it might be. But I've also seen some breakthroughs where people decided their priorities needed to shift.

And so they did. So what you're talking about is so interesting. What are the four principles? Let me finish one story, one second. Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. So what we discovered was, first of all, men cannot be men because women weren't being women. And what you can't give is no one to receive. So a shift occurred. And I'm hearing about these guys who are lost. They have no idea how to be a man, how to be a father. They're lost.

And so that's how the program really, after hearing all these stories, I started, this is really, it's on my, on my, I like this kind of stuff anyway. It's my thing anyway. So it just really worked out well. And so, and then also the new male role model of masculinity is like, like Andrew Tate, you know, which is the cream side, even for me.

Well, what I find, though, is when we start to talk about words like toxic masculinity, I mean, it's the antithesis of what we grew up with in terms of.

and values and my parents were marvelous. They were both strong, warm, embracing, wonderful people. So I was blessed with a wonderful childhood. I wondered later if it was better to hit those horrible challenges that I ran into later in life and

Or if I would have done better if I'd had a few knocks on the head growing up. And I've come to the conclusion, no, I had a wonderful foundation. And that's probably one of the only reasons that I was still standing after a couple of the things that went on. So a good childhood is important. But those who didn't, all is not lost.

No, no, it's not. I was lost, but you got a program out. Put these guys back on their feet. Okay. So I'm in the forefront of four principles. Principal number one about being about respect. There's two parts to respect. First part is respectful of yourself, your limitations, your gifts, your talents, your needs. And that's also about a man's wife and his children. What are their limitations?

gifts and needs. So if I ask my wife, "Rifka, I need some help with my computer. Can you do this?" It's no chance. It's not fair. And so, you know, there's a respect another person's limitations. Don't expect what they can't do. Why would you do that to somebody? And so respecting yourself, what you can and what you can't do, what they can, what they can't do, and also being respectable. A man's got to walk his talk.

You can't be, you know, saying, do as I say, don't do as I do. It doesn't work. You got to be respectable. It has to be, you know, someone's kiss and look up to. And then that's the first principle. The second principle is mindfulness. Being mindful, how you affect those around you, how your attitude, how your speech, your actions affect those around you.

When a man comes home from work, he can't be coming home and bringing his garbage from work to his home and expect to have a loving family. You know, his wife doesn't want to hear how much the guy screwed up and got in trouble with it. She doesn't want to hear it. You got to come home. First of all, don't come home hungry. Coming home hungry, you know it ain't going to be good coming home hungry. It's a bad idea. So eat before you get home. Have something to eat before you get in the house. Relax, take a deep breath, come in the house.

Come in around your family as though you want to make them feel good. And so you be mindful of how your behavior affects others. I was at someone's house recently and the fellow comes in the house and takes off his shoes and drops off another floor. I said, I never saw one do it. I heard the stories. You really do that. I was like shocked. I was laughing and shocked at the same time. What was their response? He quickly put his shoes to the side where they belonged out of the way.

All right. Like a child. All right. But it's totally mindless. Right. Things off. Walk on the table. Leave the plates on the table. Put your plates in the kitchen. Clean up a little bit. What do you mean just walk away from your mess? What's up with that? Mm-hmm. You know, guys, if a woman's doing the laundry and he puts his underwear inside out. I mean, something simple like that. I mean, it's silly. But turn it right side out. Put your clothes. Make it so it's easy for you to take care of things. Make it easy for the next person to do their job.

be mindful how you impact others around you. It's interesting too, because sometimes full roles have shifted these days. Sometimes it's the man doing the laundry or the man doing the cooking, you know? And so as long as everybody's comfortable with the roles and feels it's equal or at least fair, I think you can shift those things, but you have to communicate them.

Right. I mean, it's not I just took a pick up on some typical, you know, traditional roles. Both my sons are marvelous cooks. And it's a matter of, you know, how you working out, do other people and how you come aware of how what you do affect others around you. That's the most important part. So being mindful is very, very important. Mindfulness. You know, I talk to your kids. Are you proud of your kids?

I know one father. He cannot say I'm proud of you to his sons. And what they can do. He cannot say I'm proud of you. So what do you think? How did you find that out? I heard him. I thought, oh, what's up with this? And he wouldn't say it. I said, OK, you know what? I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. He just beamed ear to ear. Never heard it from another from another man. And so there's being mindful what you do affects people around you.

So that's the second. The third principle is the most important of all. Okay. The biggest deal is clarity. Being clear on your values. What are your values? I tell the men, I talk to men, women talk, but I talk to men and say, listen, guys, your life is governed by your values. And I know your values are about how you behave. You can't tell me value this, you do that.

Can't tell you value you value honestly, yet you cheat other people in business. Doesn't work. Is you aim? And so if a person's values are how you live your life, you got to prioritize value sometimes. But what are your values? And be clear in your values, expectations, your goals in life. What are your goals? Being clear. The clarity is what makes people say, oh, we know what's going on. We know what dad's all about.

Oh, no, Dad will never go for that. Forget that nonsense. And so a person's values have to be made known. Well, if a behaviorist tells them this is my value, they should know. Fidelity or perhaps charity or perhaps God-fearing or perhaps compassionate or perhaps faithful.

Give me some of the break. I made a whole list of values we can have, all kinds of values. Health. Is health a value for you? What are you about? And there's no right and wrong. Just list your values. Be clear on what your values are. Discuss your values and look at your values and gather together a lot of all your values. What is what you're about? So that's clarity. And the fourth principle, here comes the toughest of them all, Linda. The toughest principle of all of them.

And what do you think it's going to be? Kindness? Nope. Warmth? Nope. The value is the fourth principle is consistency. Ah, that makes sense. It is tough to be consistent. Consistency. This is who I am. And I say what I mean. I mean what I say. I follow through. Good. I follow through. And I'm this way. You can rely on me being this way on a regular basis. Okay.

You know, I think there's, I mean, all of those are super valuable. Where would you fit in something like a person who can never say they're sorry? That's never their fault. Well, that's a value. Okay. That's what I figured you'd say. Because it's so interesting because when I've talked with people who do have dysfunctional families and

There's often someone who just thinks they're never, never wrong. And if it is, well, you must have caused them to be that way. And so it's a shifted, you know, blame kind of thing. And that's something that often people do need help with because they're just not very good at seeing themselves. I think self-awareness is lacking sometimes.

Yeah, well, this is something, another very important detail in working with people. People a lot of times are in denial of what they really like, who they really are. The fatal flaw of therapists of all sorts is not talking to the spouse, what's really going on here. The person to say, you know, can blame or others have good excuses, good stories, but what's really going on in the other person's perspective? Most of the very few of us are really truly objective about who we are. And so,

Like they say about always being right. I'm very humble. I take criticism very well. They can make more excuses, right? But everyone knows it's not true. And so when you have someone who would get another opinion and says, yeah, well, listen, Bob, no, it's not true at all. You're defensive. And you may have to be aware of the fact that you're defensive. So it's very, very important when I'm coaching men, dads, if you're a father, kids have a mother.

What's mother saying about you? And what's the family saying? What's going on about you? I can talk philosophical, all these highfalutin ideas and principles and so forth. But on the ground,

I need to know what's really going on in the ground, what's really going to happen in reality, in real time. What's really going on between you and your kids and your wife. And people will tell you. I've heard stories how people, you might as well saint these guys. Oh, my gosh, they're so wonderful. And then they're, everything's wonderful. You talk to the family, and oh, my gosh, the guy's a monster. Wow.

Well, I call it the Instagram or the social media highlight reel. The part that's shown to the world is like the tip of the iceberg and the rest of it is underneath. So I think nobody can really judge another's family. A therapist can, you can as a physician, as a coach. I mean, it makes a difference. But what we present to the world is often not what we present at home.

And it's that dichotomy, I think, that confuses the family members. They hear other people say, well, so-and-so said these wonderful things about you. And you're like, but they've never said it to me. And so I think there's the clarity, the consistency. All of those things are so important. That's the mindfulness and the respect. All of that is keeping it consistent.

If it's not cogent, if it isn't congruent, if it doesn't all come together, then you just create confusion and then miscommunication. That's my take on things. At best, at best, you get rebellion, you recreate all kinds of things people do just to cope with that incredible confusion.

just that kind of their brain but but but but but i'm supposed to lie to cover up but why should i lie but it just goes crazy goes crazy yeah you hit the nail on the head um and walking your talk it's hard to do be called in your shots really hard to do but you know what life humbles you at a certain point and it may take that you know being humbled to have someone realize that

I need to work on me because you can't change other people. You can only change how you respond to people. So I'm curious, how have you found men to be receptive to what you're offering? I get three different levels of maybe four different levels of answers. Some say, thank you very much. I'm fine. I'm doing a great job. I'm a great dad. I do. I'm fine. Thank you very much. I'll see you.

That's one answer. Others say, yes, very good points there. I like it. Very good points. You really presented good ideas. Good ideas there. And other people will say, I can't do it. Not for me. I can't. I'm a loser. I can't. It's hopeless. No chance. No chance. OK. And others will say, yes, I'm making changes. I'm inspired to do this. They don't.

Um, the goal is when I bring these things to the forefront for men, they should start thinking and asking questions. What happened overnight? It takes time. It takes time to get the idea, make a small change. And I'm trying to point these guys out. Let's find this work. One small thing can change. Let's change one little thing. Here's the big picture. All these things to do. You can't do it all. Not at once. Anyway, it's a lot. There's a lot of course letter program on this platform. A lot of things to go there. Um,

Some is information just good information do this don't do that kind of stuff. Mm-hmm But other times it's I want you to think a little bit what's going on. What are you doing? What are you doing to your family to yourself? Look at the step back take a look and when a few guys step back take a look Maybe someone to say yeah, I can make this change I can do this I can do this and so it's a it's a long process men are very hard to Humble

I think people are very hard to humble unless you're predisposed to know that you can always improve. I think one of the things that I believe helps people is being curious. You don't agree? No, sorry, Linda. You're much more comfortable being vulnerable than most men will ever be. Okay, fair enough.

Men have a hard time being vulnerable. Me, vulnerable? It's like death. Vulnerable? And John Wayne, baby. Okay. And women can be vulnerable, and men find it very hard to be vulnerable. So I need to make it safe for men to be vulnerable. Listen, we're all in this together. We all have these issues. Come on, guys. We're all in different areas. And so it's hard for men to be vulnerable and to admit it. To admit it? Yeah.

That's very interesting. I agree with you when you put it that way. I guess I just have learned the most when I've been vulnerable, when I've been on my knees, I've learned the most. And so I think that the surprising thing about just deciding that you want to be better is that you become better because you're allowing it. Linda, I hate to say this to you, Linda.

Obviously not enough. You're such a girl. I'll take that as a compliment. That's fine. You can put on that tough gestalt around you all you want. Okay. But the idea of being that vulnerability, that softness, that ability to say, you know, okay, and understand where personal growth is necessary. It's a magnificent trait.

And men have to develop that trait. Interesting. It's okay, I'm not perfect. It's okay, I can learn, I can grow. It shows on my greatness, not on my weakness. And a lot of guys don't realize putting up a defensive shield is on a weakness, not strength. When you're afraid to accept and hear and grow and learn, that's weak. That's not strength. That's more or less a trauma response. Right. Interesting. Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid we're about to run out of time, but I want to make sure people know where to find out more about your program. And you go to BeATerrificDad.com. Is that correct? That's right. And, you know, I think if we all... I think when we look back on lives, we often say we either remember all the good things or we're the people that remember the bad things. And...

Maybe this is me being a girl again, but I go with, I mean, I tend to submerge or erase or have processed things.

the negative things, because it doesn't make you happy. And not that happiness is the goal, but being enlightened and aware is. And so what you're talking about with BeATerrificDad.com is being aware, being the best dad you can be. It's only one of your roles, but it's a very important role. Yeah. Anything you'd like to add? Yes, the guys, listen, there's a...

The four principles, they're freebies on the website. Listen to them. Check it out. See what you think of it. Give me feedback. Email me if you like. I'll respond to you. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to grow. It's okay you made a mistake. It's okay to say I'm sorry. It's okay to move forward because that's how winning is done.

You sound like Rocky. Thank you so much for your time today. And you are a terrific dad. And I think most men aspire to be terrific dads. They just don't know how. And so you've made it simple to find out more, to have discussions, to have you as a coach and to improve one of the most important roles in a man's life. So thank you for your time today. Pleasure.

As always. Excellent. We'll talk again soon. Take care. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in today. You can find more shows at wisehealthforwomenradio.com.