Questions You Aren't Allowed to Ask
Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Deep Dive
Why does the woman still struggle with her identity as a gay person after 19 years with her partner?
She still struggles with her identity as a gay person due to deep-seated shame and guilt from her past, which includes an eight-year affair while she was married. This has made it difficult for her to be open about her sexuality and relationship, even in public settings like holding hands.
Why did the woman wait eight years before ending her marriage and moving in with her partner?
The woman waited eight years before ending her marriage and moving in with her partner because she was deeply conflicted and felt a lot of guilt and shame. She wanted to make sure her ex-husband and children were taken care of before making the transition, and she feared the social and familial consequences of her actions.
Why does the woman feel conflicted about telling her daughters the full story of her relationship with her partner?
The woman feels conflicted about telling her daughters the full story because she fears their judgment and the potential impact on their relationship. She also worries about the social stigma and the burden of revealing her past actions, which she feels ashamed about.
Why does the woman feel that her partner has been in a crisis of legitimacy from the beginning of their relationship?
The woman feels that her partner has been in a crisis of legitimacy because she has never fully acknowledged or officialized the relationship. This has led to a lack of recognition and respect for her partner's role in her life and with her children, causing ongoing tension and resentment.
Why does the woman feel like she needs a 'coming out ceremony' at 50?
The woman feels like she needs a 'coming out ceremony' at 50 because she has never fully embraced and publicly acknowledged her identity as a gay person. This ceremony would help her own her story, reduce her shame, and legitimize her relationship with her partner.
Why does the woman feel a strong need to protect her daughters from her past?
The woman feels a strong need to protect her daughters from her past because she is afraid that revealing the details of her affair and the complexity of her relationship will cause them pain and confusion. She believes that keeping the past a secret will shield them from the negative consequences.
Why does the woman feel that her partner is treated like a child in their relationship?
The woman feels that her partner is treated like a child in their relationship because she often takes on a parental role, making decisions and managing daily life. This dynamic has led to a power imbalance and a lack of equality, which has contributed to the lack of intimacy and affection in their relationship.
Why does the woman feel that her partner needs to step up and be more adult-like in their relationship?
The woman feels that her partner needs to step up and be more adult-like because she wants them to take more responsibility and initiative in their relationship. This includes being more involved in daily life, being accountable for their actions, and showing more affection and intimacy.
Why does the woman feel that her partner's lack of self-belief is a major issue in their relationship?
The woman feels that her partner's lack of self-belief is a major issue because it affects their ability to take action, make decisions, and contribute to the relationship. This has created a dynamic where the woman often has to take on more responsibilities, leading to frustration and resentment.
Why does the woman feel that she needs to own both the good and bad parts of her story?
The woman feels that she needs to own both the good and bad parts of her story to fully embrace her identity and move forward. By acknowledging her mistakes and the positive aspects of her relationship, she can reduce her shame, take responsibility, and create a more balanced and authentic narrative.
- 19-year relationship built on an eight-year secret affair
- Shame and secrecy affect intimacy and family dynamics
- The impact of societal messages on the couple's shame and hiding their sexuality
Shownotes Transcript