How Many Times Can I Forgive You?
Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Deep Dive
Why did the woman receive multiple calls about her partner's infidelity and hidden son?
She received a call in May about her partner being in a relationship for two years and having a 14-year-old son she didn't know about. Four weeks before the session, she received another call revealing he had been in a sexual relationship with a friend.
Why does the man struggle with trust and vulnerability?
He grew up in a family where emotions were not expressed, and he learned to hide his feelings and needs. This has led him to compartmentalize his life and relationships, keeping different aspects of his life separate and secret.
Why does the woman feel a sense of disgust and betrayal?
She feels betrayed because her partner has repeatedly engaged in affairs and has been dishonest about his past and current relationships. She also feels humiliated and unsure about her own judgment and the reality of their relationship.
Why does the man continue to have multiple relationships and affairs?
He seeks emotional nurturance and a sense of being loved, which he did not receive in his childhood. The affairs provide him with a stage where he feels important and valued, and the sex is a way to turn his emotional needs into an adult experience.
Why does the woman still have a deep connection with her partner despite his actions?
She recognizes a golden heart in him and believes he is capable of change. She also feels a strong emotional and familial bond, and they have two children together. However, she is also conflicted about staying due to the potential for further betrayal and the impact on their children.
Why does the man have a hard time expressing remorse and acknowledging his actions?
He struggles with deep-seated anger and unresolved grief, particularly related to his father's death and his mother's illness. He also compartmentalizes his life to avoid feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed by his emotions.
Why does the woman feel responsible for the state of their relationship?
She feels a sense of shame and self-doubt, questioning whether she missed signs of her partner's infidelity and whether she could have prevented it. She also feels a responsibility to provide a stable home for their children.
Why does the man choose single mothers as his partners in his affairs?
He is seeking a motherly figure who can provide the emotional nurturing and love he did not receive in his childhood. The sex in these relationships is a way to turn this emotional need into an adult experience and to avoid feeling like a child looking for a mother.
Why does the man have a hard time integrating his past and present life?
He has a history of compartmentalizing his life, keeping different aspects separate to avoid emotional pain. This has led to a web of secrets and a veiled reality where no two pieces of his life have any contact with each other.
Why does the woman feel torn between staying and leaving the relationship?
She feels a deep connection and love for her partner, but she is also deeply hurt and uncertain about whether he can change. She is also concerned about the impact on their children and whether staying would be a sign of weakness or naivety.
- Discovery of a two-year affair and a 14-year-old son
- Partner's compartmentalized lifestyle
- Woman's feelings of humiliation and betrayal
Shownotes Transcript