[Patreon Preview] Ep 9.5 Bloody Mary & Bloody Mary: Last Round
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One more drink, more drink, and for sure we gon' stink. I'll be in your pricks to catch up for a few riffs and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two. Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two.

Hey, hey, here we are, folks. Patreon coming at you. The real fans in on the ground floor. Thanks for coming. Thanks for the emails. Doing Geraldo bits off camera for a second. Greg Geraldo, if you haven't heard his shit, man, damn.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We can spout off those bits. I wonder if there's other comics out there who can do that with Geraldo. I mean, we just did 13 Geraldo bits, word for word. The Siegfried and Roy one, because, you know, he just died. But, like, the bit about the gay lion tamer who hooked up with another gay lion tamer, like, that's brilliant. Legendary. The fact that we all missed that premise, and it was right there in front of us, you're like, god damn.

I know. Even he made the little silly shit funny, too. Like, he's like, America, we're obsessed with food. We're so... Everything we make into a food item. Your house burns on fire. Mmm, marshmallows. That's so good. So good. He was so good at being silly, but then also...

You know, having brilliant social commentary I mean, the one about Kim Jong-un How sure do you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea? Like, holy shit, that's like That's as good a political one-liner as I've ever heard, you know? Completely, and again, just sitting right there Nobody touched it We're all just like, he's got a haircut, he's cute But that was such a smart way to go with it So good, so, so good I mean, he would have been great at like Twitter and shit too, probably Oh, yeah Think about like Hedberg on Twitter

I mean, yeah, he built for that. Him, Stephen Wright. Yeah. Amazing. And that was just all tweets. Rice is great when you're hungry for 2000 of something. That's a perfect tweet. But then, but it's all, it's that much better because we know his cadence. So it's not a great tweet without, without his, without knowing his standup. So his standup makes it so much better. Good point.

Should we read a couple emails? Yeah, we got a ton here. My mom's actually waiting for her laptop, but I told her, hey, sit down, sister. We got work to do. But she's looking at me. Shut up, lady. All right, here we go.

I got one joke and a peeve from Taj Gross Jack from Salem, Oregon. I hope I said that right. Hey guys, my name's Taj. Love the quarantine tapes and was stoked when you guys started the pod because I thought it ended. Here's a joke and a pet peeve coming at you.

Everybody's going, whose dick do I gotta suck to get a vaccine around here? All while prostitutes are going, whose vaccine do I gotta take to suck some dick around here? That's good. I like it. I like it. That's a good joke. I like the little, I like how it's, you know...

Yeah, I like the spin. That's clever. I like it. He flips it into the prostitute perspective. I like that. And then his pet peeve is when someone asks you for a favor in the form of you should. Like, you should buy me a drink or you should pick this up for me. My internal thought is always, I should meet better people. Thanks for making 2020 bearable, guys. Cheers. That's great. You should is fucking annoying.

I hate that You should Yeah I don't mind it when it's like Oh you should see this movie That one doesn't Because that's not like a hard favor Right That's a wreck That's a wreck But when it's But when it's You should Like You should grab me a drink That's like fucking The asshole husband In every fucking You know Yes That's the guy who like You're like Oh you gotta leave that guy In every movie

Yeah, I had this friend growing up in New Orleans in high school He would go, dude, you know you want to buy me a drink You know you want to lend me 20 bucks Come on, dude, you know you want to give me a ride to the airport I'm like, why would I want to do that? Just ask me You know you want to Not even you should, you know you want Not only should I, I have to enjoy this Yeah, exactly It makes you hate the guy and not want to do it You should, you know you want to is fucking funny

Yeah, brutal. Awful. Wait a minute. Matt Salicus sent us an email, but you go. No, read Salicus first. He goes, one-liner from Sat Malacuse. This podcast needs a sponsor, an AA sponsor. Love Salicus. Nice one, Sally.

He'll never hear this because there's no way he's doing Patreon. I bet he is. Really? That's Sally for you. He's a weird little slippery douche. I bet he's on here. He's a sweet guy. We got a pet peeve from Jeremiah Saunders here. Hey, guys, Jeremiah, you guys are the best. Love the pod and all the specials. Here are a couple of my pet peeves. Forgetting my mask every time I walk out the door and go for an errand and not realizing it until I'm halfway down the road. Oh, I've done this. I hate it.

That happened to me. I don't get it. Like you, you're so, I think you have a lot on your mind. So you just leave the house without a mask on. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then you, I mean, dude, it's fucking, uh, that is stressful. Honestly. I went into a bank without a mask on and I was getting these dirty looks. I'm like, why is everyone looking at me? I was like, Oh fuck. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Yeah. Yeah. Which is so funny to think like five years ago, you go into a mask with a bank with a mask on. It's a different tune. Yeah.

But yeah, that's true. We've all done it. As long as you show the, oh shit, you know, you show the remorse, I think you're good. Yeah, but it is one of those things where you're like, there's parts of our brain that are just shut off, I think due to stress right now. So it's like, it used to be like phone, wallet, keys. Now it's phone, wallet, keys, mask, Purell. It's like, fuck, how much do I need in my coat?

I know, I know. It's a nightmare. And then in the summer, do I have to wear cargo shorts now with all this shit? I know. I heard a woman say something interesting because they had this big thing about how, hey, men, cargo shorts are out. Stop wearing cargo shorts, like Style Magazine. Stop wearing cargo shorts. And all these women were like, ugh, guys in cargo shorts are such dorks. They're losers. And then one guy wrote like,

Can't I just wear a cargo short if I want to? And one woman wrote, it'd be sexier if he just did it and said, fuck you, instead of, can I do it? And I always remembered that. So just do what you're going to do. Yeah, we talked about Sandler last time. Do what's fucking feeling right. And guess what? If women don't like it, they might like your confidence, I think. Yeah, I think so. I think so. And we'd all know what you like, ladies, if you tell us. Also, there's a cargo short wear, and then there's a cargo short personality.

Right, good point You know what I mean, there's a difference It's like if you're like a cargo short type of dude I think that's a little more off-putting than just a dude who wears cargo shorts Yes, well said, well said If that makes sense Well, you know, you ever work on like a movie set or whatever, a TV show There's those grips who have the cargo shorts or a handyman He's got eight set of nails in there and a T-square and screws and a hammer

That guy looks like a badass because he actually has cargo. That's well said. He needs them, and that's cool. Yeah, you can't judge a man's cargo shorts until you know what's in the pockets, ladies. Am I right? I think Machiavellian said that. Walk a mile in my cargo shorts, then tell me what the fuck is up. Yes, yes. What is it? The 48 Laws of Cargo Shorts.

All right. We got one more from this guy, Jeremiah. Here's another one. My old lady not understanding why I love comedy and other things she doesn't like. Who doesn't like comedy? What the fuck? I understand not being like a diehard comedy nerd, but like who's like, I don't like to laugh.

Yeah, yeah Great Patton Oswalt joke He died laughing, he died doing what he loves Like yeah, who doesn't like laughing? Yeah, well yeah, that's so true And then when I have a great counter-argument for her I end up looking like a fucking idiot My pet peeve, why? I don't get why My pet peeves consist mostly of forgetfulness And my inability to say what I want to say When I want to say it Anyways, love you guys, keep doing the Lord's work And go fuck yourselves, comedy, Jeremiah

Yeah, comedy. Yeah, that does annoy me. Like, you ever, like, get in an argument with someone you're dating and you try to quote your therapist and you misquote the therapist and you end up sounding fucking dumb? I could see that. I've done that many times where I'm like, that's not what he meant, I don't think. Fuck, but it's already out. And now it's clear that I got punch-ups from someone.

Yeah, and then when you fuck it up, you can't be like, hold on, let me get this right. They just go, hey, you fucked up, now I'm going to keep yelling. They don't give you a second chance in an argument. I always love when they have something in the holster. I was just watching that Sopranos, I was telling you, where Tony is giving...

Carmella a ton of shit For having the priest sleep over She tells him the priest spent the night And Tony's like I don't fucking understand Why this priest slept over And then as she's walking out the door She goes oh by the way your therapist called Her name was Jennifer and Tony had lied That it was a guy so she's like oh shit That's such a woman move to fucking let you think You got her and then turn around and be like Oh here's one for the road And the episode ends with Tony being like Carmella please Ha ha

That is such a lady move. God, that show is good. So good. All right. Speaking of ladies, we got a female email here. A female. Sure. Says Angie G. Oh, nice. I think she emailed us already. Yeah. Let's see what she got. All right. Reoccurring star. Hello, gents. Email from the ladies.

I watched the movie Good Time by the Safdie Brothers, directors from New York. Yeah, it's a great movie. And I highly recommend you get on this hidden gem. Never heard of it. They're the guys who did Uncut Gems. Oh, okay, okay. Safdie Brothers. It's with Robert Pattinson is the star of it. It's a great movie. Yeah, it's completely nuts. It's a total thrill ride, and it keeps going in directions you don't expect. It's very well done.

They seem to enjoy the throw. I mean, uncut gems is a fucking taint Turner. Like you're just like freaking out the whole time. You're like, you're so tense. I think I would enjoy it more the second time. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was so stressed out, but I loved uncut gems. And I think, I think Garnett was great in it. You know, it's crazy. Like a pro athlete was so funny in it, you know, so funny, but boy, it was tense. I mean, everybody's like, it was so tense. I couldn't enjoy it, but I'm like, but they were trying to be tense and they pulled it off. So to me, that's a win.

Yeah, no, it was definitely good. I remember seeing it with my girlfriend and she fucking, she is an anxious person. She fucking like hated it.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm anxious. I liked it. I liked it too. And it says the movie starts with a guy from Queens pulling his mentally challenged brother into a bank robbery and then pure chaos ensues. It's crazy. It's like the movie Collateral, which I also love. Great movie. Where one guy has a really long and awful night. The movie has a grungy city vibe throughout. You'll be panicking from beginning to end. Many people in the movie were first-time actors and I absolutely loved it.