Ep 79: Foursome with Joe DeRosa & Ari Shaffir
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Hey, we might be drunk, folks. Here we are. We're here. Hold on. Bow.

Wow. That's unpleasant. That was a threefer. Yeah, that was too much. Sorry. That was like the three godfathers, but only the third godfather. Yeah, yeah. I had Chipotle earlier. Did you? Yeah. I love Chipotle. Do you go sour cream or cheese? No, I don't. And you still fart like that? No dairy. Respect. Thank you. That stuff does nothing. I know you're trying to sober up right now. This shit does nothing. You don't think, huh? Have you tried it?

I have. I've been drinking a thousand of these. It's given me so much false hope. I always think this stuff's going to cure my hangover. No. I always think it's going to prevent the hangover. What does it do? It just fucking fills me with sugar and I'm still hungover. Yeah, the sugar's a bummer. I didn't know there was a lot of sugar. Is that right? Not a ton, but enough that I'm like, eh. Eh.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, look at that. Let's see. I'll stick with coffee and keep shriveling up. Yeah, diuretic, by the way. Diarrhea, I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you, this stuff gives me a ton of diarrhea. I spray the bowl like a fucking salad, I'll tell you. It's a Pollock movie in there. I'll tell you. It's all right. Sally's back.

We missed you, buddy. Google bitch. Good to be back. Good to have you. The only guy who was rocking Hawaiian shirts when they weren't cool, then they were, and now they're back to not. Good to have you. I'm going to ride it out. You look good, man. Hey. Feeling good. We think you're cooler than Ron Jeremy. We don't care what you look like. Fuck those comments. Hey. And you never raped, so we'll give you that, too. Yes. He can't get it up.

Oh, this is a classic photo. Those are the, that was like a play on of mice and men. These two. Is that what it was? Yeah. Because they're real gangster types. Yeah, yeah. But I think the little guy and the big guy. Oh, okay. But yeah, they were like, how you doing, C? Yeah, Muggsy. Yeah. Yeah.

The tiny gangster. Yeah. Funny how gangsters changed throughout the years. It was Italian, and then it went to black, and who knows where it is now? Jewish? Maybe Madoff? Well, it was Jewish before Italian. Was it? Yeah, yeah. Sure, man. Really? What?

And Jewish boxers, by the way. Hey, we were tough. Yeah. Oppression is a hell of a motivational tool. Sure. Yeah. You don't see a lot of Jewish boxers these days, though. No, they're too busy killing it financially. Yeah. They don't need to box. Fucked up back. Bad neck.

Just enough about myself. I know. Can you imagine the Jewish boxing league at the end of the day? Like, boy, where's the ice pack? Yeah. He's out for five to seven weeks with bad allergies. Yeah.

Yeah. Quick, we need some Claritin D. He's fading in this corner. Shlomo's going up against Derry. He's ruined. Ding, ding. One, two, three, four. Oh, fuck, my diarrhea. Well, he lost because it was a drafty boxing ring.

More Jewish stereotypes. All right. Now... All right. Yeah, man. How you doing? Oh, you started like you had like a thing. Now, here we go, folks. What are you... You're trying to kill this hangover? I'm trying... Well, I'm trying. We had a long episode with another guest. We really drank it up. So I got the...

The granules at the bottom here, and I can't get them all in, and I want to make sure I get all of it in one gulp. Yeah, dude. So you got to mix it up, or they stick. Keep that load all over your fucking chest. Yeah, they stick to the bottom. Here we go. Keep swigging it. Keep swigging it. And here's the money shot, folks. Ken, yes, he did. Good job.

Should I have that stuff too? Yeah, there's one left. I know, but there's no water. They can get us water. They got interns here. Hey, interns. So what's going on with Elon Musk and Twitter? What do you think? I gotta say something first. I found something. Please. It might interest you. You guys friends with Dave Smith? Yeah. This has been making the rounds. I haven't seen him in forever, but I always love Dave. Tweet from 2017 is making the rounds again. Oh, really? Yeah, here it is. He was a smart guy.

I love Twitter. He's not dead. Oh, yeah. He's dead. You should buy it then. Is this a different Dave Smith? Same. Comedian Dave Smith. Okay. Because his avatar is a bald guy and he's a good looking. Zoom in. That's not the Dave Smith we know. It said comedian Dave Smith. No, it's probably him. It's probably a joke. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Interns. Good water really seems to kill. Now I get why Bill Clinton liked him.

Is that him? Look at what Ham says. He's too young. Wait, I'm sure it's him. Okay. It's a common name. What do we know? You should. That's true. You should buy it then. How much is it? Whoa. 2017. Dave Smith's a smart motherfucker. He knows his stuff.

Is that him, Dave Smith? That's not him. Uh-oh. What does the bio say? Host and producer. It's not the name we know. It's not the name. It's not the same Dave. Different Dave. I like where your head's at. Sorry, bro. Yeah. Damn. I like where your head's at a lot later. Oh, my God. Not even drunk yet. I wonder if ISIS ever said that. I like where your head's at. After the old beheading. What are we doing here? Look.

Liquid IV. Concord grape. Ooh. What Concord? Just give us grape. What are we doing here? Is anyone looking like, man, it's not Concord. Right, right. Just regular grape. Yeah. We'll be okay. Well, there's white grape and then there's red grape. Why has it got to be a white grape?

Just saying. All grapes matter. Grapes of breath. I sidelined us from the Elon Musk talk. Oh, sorry. We're all over the road here. Yeah, you did. Elon, I don't know why everybody's so upset. Well, we don't know what's going to happen yet. I think that's the whole thing. It's like, why don't we just wait and see? We don't know if he's going to make it better. We don't know if he's going to make it worse. Can it get worse? It's funny when people are like, why is a rich guy got to buy Twitter? And you're like, I don't think the people who own it right now are dirt poor. I don't know if you know who's running Twitter right now. Good point.

Also, Bezos bought Washington Post. Nobody seemed to care about that. I think people cared about that. Oh, did they? Okay. I feel like I'm seeing more heat on the Twitter buy. I mean, people just need shit to be mad about. They really do. It's like, man, you know Bezos is like, where do people bitch about me, Twitter? Cool, I'll buy it. I

And they'll keep bitching about me? Love it. This is activity. Yes, it's more press for Twitter. This has got to be the most expensive vanity project of all time. Like the pyramids probably cost less than me. I don't know, have you seen Waterworld? I actually enjoyed that movie. Dennis Hopper. But yeah, you're right. This is 44 Bill we're in here. Just for ego. Maybe he thinks he can spin this.

What if he sells it for 48? Well, he's obviously a smart guy. He's got something up his South African sleeve, I think. I think something's cooking here. What do you think? I don't know. I don't know. But maybe he'll just buy it and burn to the ground just to be like, hey, I own this bitch. Yeah, I've heard that. I don't think that's a smart financial decision. No. Like, here's 44 billion. It's probably not. But he did say, you know how the algorithm is designed to...

hate and fighting and feuding. And he said he's going to take that out, which is kind of nice because I feel like this whole country is being divided by just this. Ah,

It'd be hilarious if you just write, like, hope everyone has a great day. And you're like, wow, 45,000 retweets. This is weird. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That'd be nice. But can it stand? Who knows? No, negativity wins on these god-awful platforms, I think. Yeah. I mean, even if it's not outwardly negative, look what it takes off on Instagram. It's not something that's like, hope everyone has a great day. It's like a woman jiggling her tits or something. Sure. Well, it's not inherently good what we're doing. I mean, look, I don't hate it.

But TikTok, what's popping off? It's like food and shit like that. But you mentioned a thing from TikTok earlier. What was your thing about, you said you saw something Bourdain. It was a positive. I think TikTok and Instagram are more positive than Twitter for sure because I think those videos will be more...

upbeat than just a quick... Something about brevity on that and just words. I don't know. Yeah, and it's very... For some reason, people with Twitter feel it's almost if you got like a mental illness...

What's the word? Concentrate. People are somehow willing to just talk about their mental illness and just let it all out. It's almost like a concentration camp. Yeah, that was less mean than Twitter. More pleasant. But yeah, people will just open up on Twitter and be like, I think this, I think that, I'm crazy, and I'm willing to show it. Whereas on Instagram, you're like, oh, it's a sunset. Oh, it's a small dog or a fucking cat on a wheel.

Cats on a wheel, dude. Can't beat it. Fucking love that shit. Are you pulling up Twitter porn right now? I was. All right. Twitter's got great porn. I will give them that. Bouncing boobs. It is weird. You can just see like porn on Twitter. I think I follow one porn star in there just because like she followed me and I was like, yeah, she's a famous porn star. Let me give her a follow. And then I'd be in line at the grocery store. It's like all joke, joke, joke. And then one porn star like, I'm like, I'm a Gristini's. I can't do this. I'm in line. What are you doing to me? I know.

When I got drugged or whatever it was, my friend with me, Andrew Youngblood, was like, I'm like, call my agent. We can't do the shows. And he took my phone and he put it up to my face. It unlocked it. And then he's like, okay. And porn just came up. Really? He started laughing because that was the last thing I looked at. What genre were we doing? I think it was MILF.

MILF is a go-to. Yeah, I love MILF. Love MILF. MILFs are great. They like it. I want a woman having fun. And MILFs seem to be having fun. And also, I think young is just creepy to me. I can't jerk off to a woman younger than me.

Really? Yeah, it's weird to me. I know, but you're getting older and older so that your window is closing. Soon it'll be 60 and up for me. Yeah. Just got to keep it. There's something creepy about young women in porn. I don't like it. Well, young. Even 20s. I don't want nothing to do with it. You don't want a 28-year-old porn star? Nah. Hmm.

I don't mind 28. Give me someone whose dreams are completely over. That seems safe. I like that. Now, that's a genre. Yeah. That doesn't even have to be MILF. I don't want MILF. I want crushed dreams. Yeah. I want a bag lady or a cashier or a lady who works at a sewage plant. MILF all day, for sure. All right. What is it about MILF? Why do we like MILFs? Well, my mom was rarely around.

So maybe that's something. And you feel like you're giving back a little bit. Like these MILFs are probably... That's not what it is. They're probably out there just trying to get laid. I don't jerk off when it's charity. Here's what I think it is. I'm never like, wait, do you have any UNICEF porn? It's not charity. I think MILFs are like dudes in a way. They just want to get pounded and we want to get laid. There's no story. There's no bullshit. There's no bullshit. What are we? Are we dating? Is this going to be something? Is there a future? No! We're trying to get...

You almost finish them just like you're done. They take a puff of a cigarette. They're like, get out of here, kid. I don't have time for that shit. What? MILF doesn't have time for that. I love that. That's hot. They got to do the dishes. They've got a kid to worry about. Yes. I don't have time for this bullshit. Go pick up your son from soccer practice, you whore. Yes. And they want it and you want it. That's the character I was doing. I would never speak to a woman that way. You're pointing right at me. I was pointing at you, you fucking whore. You're married to a MILF. Wait a minute. Okay, there you go.

I mean, I would, I just call her, you know, your wife. Stacy. She's a lovely woman. Yeah, I would never call her a MILF, Mark. Is MILF a compliment? You fucking pig. You fucking horrible. What? No, he's asking, is it a compliment? That's what's tough about. No, I don't think they want to be called a MILF.

By the way, MILFs, you ever speak to someone and they're like, I'm a MILF. And you're like, how old are you? Like 34? And you're like, oh, come on. MILF is supposed to be like mid-40s. But if you were at your daughter's or son's elementary school picking them up and going back to your house and a lady was like, oh, Sam, Mr. Muriel, everybody thinks you're a DILF. Yeah. Wouldn't you be flattered?

no because i don't want to fuck these kids no no the the teachers saying the teachers yeah not the kids i mean these are five-year-olds i'm talking everyone's saying that you're a one hell of a sex teacher i'd throw it back on them i guess i think that's a difference between men and women right there is a dilf is a compliment of milf is like uh-oh where are we at here i mean look any of it's like you're like fuck i'm old anything that's just saying you're gonna be dead soon doesn't feel great

You can be a young mom. I'll tell you what's even worse. You're a real jilf. Grandma? Yeah. But I think as a grandma, you're like, I'm still fuckable. That's true. I think there's a couple there. How about a gilf? Gilf is even more impressive. Puerto Rican? We're going to get there. Yeah. This 101-year-old grandma loves to fuck. By the way, the oldest person on the planet just died. 118. 119. Oh, really? Maybe it was 118. Would you?

Oh, man. Well, pull her up. Let's see. Tanaka, I think it was. Yeah, dude. Asian? Yeah. Yeah. Japanese, maybe. Uh-oh. Is it 118 or 119? I don't see. She's seeing some shit. I know she is. Oh, yeah.

There she is. 119. What was her secret to staying alive? Yeah, they always have good secrets. It's always some horse shit where you're like, they're like, every day I drank bathtub gin. And you're like, I don't think that's... I think you might be an outlier. I don't know if that's... I know, it's all genetics, but they're like, I shot heroin in my ass every day. And you're like, oh, maybe I'll try that.

Tanaka. Let's do some news stories, man. Pull up the news. Yes, sir. Let's get some fucking news stories up on this motherfucker. Hell yeah. Oh, look at you. You got your stuff. Stop looking at this. Oh, sorry. Shout out to Tanaka. You'll be missed. 118. Stop Asian 8. What's the oldest you bang?

117? It depends on the colostomy bag. I don't know what's going on at that age. It's a whole... I fucked like a... Me and a friend took a couple gals home once from Playwrights Tavern and they were pretty...

I mean, these were like... I don't know how they were. I think they got out of the asylum or whatever you call it, the old folks home, and had a night out. But they were old. You hooked up with them? Yeah, and I remember banging one, and she had this crazy vagina. And she was like, I got surgery on it for my third kid. And I was like, ah. Nice. This is some good pillow talk here. We had a bad amusal after. What's that? Can you describe the vagina? Well, I was...

Going to town, and it felt different. It felt filleted, if you will. It felt... Fillet of fish. Yeah. Let's go to the news. It was strange. I can't describe it. We were both drunk. What do you got, Matt? All right. The so-called Croydon cat killer is alleged to have killed and dismembered and mutilated 400 cats. Hey, we got guests. Oh, shit. Surprise guests. Oh, my God.

What is this, a sitcom? Are you Kramer? You coming in? Take that chair. Are you doing the bar? I'm the wacky bartender. Yeah, make a drink. He's not mic'd though, Matt. We need to get him mic'd. Oh, yeah, good point, good point. Well, you look good, man. Do you want to make us a drink up here? And we need some ice too then. Do you want to make you guys a drink? Let's do it. All right. You got the craziest genes, DeRosa. First of all, you're 68. Matt, we need ice too.

You drink every day, you eat KFC, and you look amazing. Oh, I've been on a diet. I've been on a diet. I started eating clean food that I make myself. Wow. Only drinking tequila and not drinking every day. Well done. Good for you, man. That's a step up. It's great to see you, man. You're glowing. Let's get him mic'd so we can get some of this stuff. This is good stuff. Sorry, man. I'm sorry. This is what this studio's turned into. It's like a hub.

Please. We're looking for it. Well, you got two right there you can use. We just drank out of those. I mean, come on. At this point, we all have... We all have HPV anyway, right? Yeah.

He's getting the ice there. But sorry, he's the producer. You know what he signed up for. Yeah, yeah. We're talking about the cat killer. Oh, okay. Yeah, so the police carried out a three-year investigation into the cat killings, but have yet to make an arrest. The killings are still happening. Whoa. How many cats has he killed? It says upwards of 400 mutilated. Wow. Wow.

Don't fuck with cats. That's like 3,600 cat lives right there. That's horrible. That's terrible. That's true. What is going on? People want to kill cats. There's like a real epidemic where people just, you know, the don't fuck with cats guy would put them in a bag and suck the arrow. It's evil. It's evil. This guy's murdered more pussy than Pete Davidson. Woo! Woo!

Am I right? All right. No, that's terrible. You can't just kill cats. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, I mean, I saw the play. It was pretty rough. But they always land on their feet. They'll be fine. Uh-oh. Sorry, Matt.

This poor guy's working overtime because he's running an insane asylum here. What are you doing? Everybody thinks a drinking podcast is a good idea. So they start producing it. This guy's coming in and out being like, yeah, all right, guys. That's great.

A wacky, a wacky, dude, this is the wacky neighbor. I know, right? Good to have you. And you have your own bar, and then you gotta come here and sling drinks. Hey, it's all right, it's all right, you know? Check out Joey Rose's, Lower East Side, Manhattan. Thank you. Good sandwiches. What do you guys want, a whiskey? I don't know, whatever you... Keep it going with whiskey, because we had a couple of whiskeys earlier. Ooh, a Gentleman Jack, is that what we're doing? That's a single barrel, Jack Daniels. Ooh, that's the good stuff. You can tell by the fancy bottle.

Give you a little on ice. There's something floating in these glasses already. It's pretty gross. That's my career. It's all over. Floating. I don't know what it is, but I'm not looking forward to this drink as much as I was the earlier ones. I don't blame you, dude. Look at this Mount Gay. What is that? That's where Salicus lives.

I don't see a tequila over here. It's gotta be something. Oh, here's Reposada. Come sit down right there next to Salakis. I am. I'm just going to pour a drink for her. What'd you do with Ari?

He, this fucking kid. He left? He's like, we got to do this. We got to do that. Or he's the kind of guy that's like, do you want to hang out tomorrow? And you're like, yeah. And then you have to call him. Yes. So what is the plan that you have in mind? Right, right. What was your idea? So I get here. I'm walking into the studio. He's like, I'm shit-faced. I'm going to get pizza. Let's wait 20 minutes before we crash. I go, no, I'm here. I'm crashing now. Yeah.

And then he caught me out there. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't go in yet. I go, why do I have to go in when you go in? He's like, okay, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. And then he went and got pizza. See, this is the part of Ari no one knows about. You know, the bathrobe, shaky old man Ari. It's all fun and games. He's in China. This is not happening. He's dosing Burt. But he's actually, I need a break.

I can't handle it. I'm wearing a diaper. Thank you. Thank you. You good over here? You sure? Let's do another news story. All right. He's a father. All right. Another one. We have two different sets of news stories. We're going to do one on the other app, too. That's your mic right there. Oh, he mic'd me with this thing. Oh, so you're fine. Are we good with just that, then? You like him here, Matt, or you want him on the bench?

Okay. The Georgia man, a Georgia man is accused of stuffing his grandmother in the freezer and leaving her there to die. She wasn't dead, I guess. Wow. Robert Tincher III told police that he heard numerous bones break when he put his 82-year-old grandma in the freezer. Wow.

Jesus Christ. Who's picking these stories? Matt, what the fuck is wrong with you? Holy shit. What are you doing here? That's a horrible story. Grandmother, that's a big freezer, though. You got to hand it to this guy. Or she's a tiny woman. Oh, that's true. I think it's both, right? You got a little grandma in a large freezer. I bet you it's a reaching freezer, which is a term I learned after I opened a sandwich shop. That's the freezer on the floor where you open the lid like a fucking coffin. Ooh.

I know those. That's what the guy in, did you ever see that movie with Jack Black where he's married to Shirley MacLaine and he kills her? No. Oh, that's a great movie. Yeah, the Richard Linklater movie, right? True story. Yeah, yeah. He put his wife in a reach-in freezer. That's right. Because he could fit a body in it. And he was like, everybody loved him in the neighborhood. He was like a town hero and he turned out to be a fucking psycho. Bernie? That's it. Yeah, that's a fun flick. Never saw it.

I heard of it. Weirdly fun considering how dark it is. Dark. There's a real guy. Texas guy. Yeah, there you go. Damn. I think he sold cars. He... No, he ran a funeral home. He ran a funeral home and it was an odd tale. Most of the people... It's one of those movies where they do it like docu-style and they enter... All the scenes are cut in with interviews and...

Actually, you know Dudley and Bob, the radio guys in Austin? Yeah. Dale Dudley. Yeah, yeah. He's in it. He's like one of the people in the interviews.

And I was talking to him about it and I go, dude, some of those people are some of the best actors I've ever seen. I was like, I don't even know who they are, but they're so real. And he was like, no, dude, those are real fucking people. Oh, wow. That like knew the story and shit. He just, he goes, he just mixed it in with like actors and stuff. And he mustered the, how do you think you're going to get away with that by putting someone in a freezer? He gets away with it for a while. Yeah. Until you're going for tater tots one day and you're like, I can't take it. Right. She's hated. His wife is hated.

So he gets away with it for a while. And why is she so much older than him?

That's part of the weirdness of it. He seems gay. She was rich, I think. Yeah, she's rich. It's a very strange story. Yeah, but Linklater's from Austin, I want to say. I believe so. Because Dazing and Fuse is Austin. So is Slacker, right? So is Slacker. He's all about Austin. He was on Austin before Austin was Austin. He's one of the reasons I moved to Austin. Oh, you moved to Austin? I lived there for a year. When I got out of college, I studied TV production in college. What?

Yeah, and I thought I was going to do that for a living. I thought I was going to, I don't know, fucking edit or I don't know, something. Yeah. So I moved to Austin to do independent film because it was when that boom was happening and the two guys out of Austin were Linkletter and Robert Rodriguez had just put out Desperado. Whoa, whoa.

So I thought, I'll go to Austin. And I got there and they were like, yeah, buddy, get in line. Everybody wants to work on these movies. Still a fun town, though. I mean, for a young DeRosa, that's a fun place to meet gals, get drunk, and eat tacos.

Yeah, I had a blast. Made lifelong friends. Hey, there you go. Yeah, I don't regret it at all. Good for you. I commend anybody who goes somewhere in attempts of a dream. You go to New York, you go to LA, you go to Austin, you go to Chicago, whatever it is. You went for it. Depends on your dream. If you're slamming women in freezers, it's a shitty dream. Yeah, yeah. It's a bad dream. That's true.

Maybe his grandma was a cunt. All right, let's lighten the mood to this next story. All right. Jesus Christ, man. A transgender Rikers inmate raped a female prisoner. What the hell are you doing? Wow. Women's section of the jail and has been sentenced to seven more years. Ah, that's it?

Yeah, seven years for... So it's a dude who's transitioned to a woman. Still has her penis. But went to a women's prison. And raped a woman. Wow. There's no good option if you're trans in prison.

there's just not really a good option yeah no i mean but what's fucked up is now like they're gonna let her stay in a female prison i know right like that's exactly the thing everybody that i mean like i get it when people are like stop worrying about shit happening it's not gonna happen but this is the rarer case where it did happen you got to send her now to a man's prison but then she's gonna get raped like crazy oh yeah there's no

- But here's the rule. You wanna go to a female prison, you gotta cut the dick off. That should be the rule. - All right, I'm with that. - Mark 2024. - Who pays for it? The state? - The government, the state. And we keep the dicks. - Or you gotta have a chicks with dicks prison.

You gotta have a section. Now that's a porn. Yeah. I'd watch it. This is like Juana Mann meets Oz. This is a dark Juana Oz. She goes by Diamond Blunt. I'm sure this is a Hasidic Jew, obviously. Or an Asian Jew.

I like how they sentenced her like seven more years of raping. It's like your reward, your punishment is a reward. Yeah, yeah. You're back in the hen house. This is damn good. What is this? Single barrel? Yeah. Good stuff. I don't like what I poured. Sometimes a tequila has too much of a vanilla flavor. I agree. When that's the case, yeah. We might have something else. No, it's fine. I'm a big boy. I'll finish it. There you go.

It's here to do a job. I mean, it's not, you know. It's such a happy dropping. I'm so happy to roast you. I know. I'm happy to see you guys. I'm thrilled. You look great. I'm thrilled. Thank you. You both do as well. But you guys never really looked bad. Well, you're one of the few guys who's down for a hang. Most people go, hey, you want to do this? And they go, I got eight shows. I got a podcast. I got to travel. And you're like...

What time? I love it, man. Yeah, I always held the hang as important as the work. Hear, hear. Which is why, you know. We combine the two. Yeah. You know what, though? That's what I always liked about you guys. Like, you guys were part of a, you know, we talked about this a little bit last time when I was here. But you guys were sort of part of the class, like, I felt like right after my class. And your class had...

A much more... Flippin' sounds negative. I don't mean it negative. But a much more flippin' approach to the worry of showing up. I'm still going to use that word. Yeah, I can't think of another word. But you weren't quite as concerned about showing up to shows like Drunk and having fun. Yeah, yeah. I envied it because when I started, there was a lot more sober guys in squares. Really? Well, dude, I came up under...

Well, first of all, they were sober guys. But you had the extremes. You had the fucking animals. You had the Atels and the Stanhopes and the Giraldos. Well, they were a class ahead of us. Okay. But Atel and Stanhope and Giraldo, who I did hang out with many times...

They were not the norm. Like, they were sort of the rarity. And they're also all prolific as fuck for guys who did that. They were. Even more rare. True. They were. They were. And then also, too, though, the guys that were in the class immediately ahead of me that I looked up to, none of them drank. Patrice didn't drink. DiPaolo didn't drink. You know, if he drank, he didn't drink. But he didn't drink. You know what I mean? Colin didn't drink.

He had Burr. Bobby didn't drink. Burr started... Me and Burr started to drink together. Wow. But Burr would always blame me for making him drink. Which, you know, but like he was not a guy... So my point is, is like... And the guys in my media class, Jay didn't really drink. Right. Marina didn't drink. Like, it just wasn't around. And then I was always envious...

Most of my hanging was done with you guys. I would hang with you guys and Soder. Right. Nate. Nate. Yeah. You know? And I remember you, like, showing up to Caroline's, like, I'm so hungover. Fuck it. And I was like, man, I wish I had the balls to do that. Like, I would, like, hide it. Really?

Oh, really? Yeah, I would always be scared. I couldn't. It was so bad sometimes I couldn't hide it. Oh, my God. Yeah, Caroline's also, the free booze was. I know. I mean, they would make, whoever was bartending there would be like a legit, like Johnny or whoever would be bartending there, be like, oh, there's like a good bartender. I'm going to get fucked up. Oh, yeah. That was the land of milk and honey, that place. Louie was the guy. Yeah. Louie was the Puerto Rican guy that bartended at Caroline's. Oh, yeah.

He was sort of a stocky guy with glasses. He was really boisterous. Yes, I remember. He would spin and dance and stuff as he was making drinks. Yeah. He was the fucking man. It's sad. That stairwell. I used to walk down and be like, this is going to be great. It was so exciting. You were in Midtown. It was that, you know, you go into the diamonds, all different colors, and that green room. We owned that place. And now I go down there, I'm like, what is this, a museum? It's a library? Yeah. It's weird now.

You could smoke cigarettes in the green room back then. It was a fucking... It was crazy. We got the tail end of the Wild West. I mean... We got the tail end of it. We caught the tail end of... I remember going out with a tail in the East Village.

Oh, my God. Before, like, oh, my God, like, just you were going into the depths of fucking hell. Like, at 5 a.m., the last remnants of, like, the after hours. Sure, Mars bar and shit. Oh, my God. He'd, like, bang on, like, a sliding garage door, and they'd slide it open and let us in. Ha, ha, ha.

What's the password? Yeah. Like wild. I'd be making out with chicks I just met doing coke with them and shit. It was a scene, man. It was fucking the city's losing its edge, man. I was I was coming back.

I was leaving a bar, like fucking closed the bar this last weekend. It's 4 a.m. Trying to get a cab. There's no fucking yellow cabs left. For some reason, it's $60 to take an Uber two miles. Yeah, I know. So I'm like just waiting. Guys are stopping in the street. A guy goes, all right, how far? I tell him where I'm going. He goes.

It's 50 bucks. I go, that's it's two miles, dude. It's 5 a.m. He goes, he goes, he goes, fuck you, you piece of shit. I go, I go, fuck you. I'm hammered like you fucking you motherfucker. We're both going at each other because you fucking cheap piece of shit. And I was like, $40. And he goes, all right, fuck you. $40. As I'm getting, he goes, plus tip. I'm like, you motherfucker. Yeah.

So funny, dude. So what'd you give him? 41? I wouldn't do it. Whoa. We kept fighting. Good. I kept walking. Good. That's a rip off. And then I ended up taking an Uber for 65. Yeah. He showed me. The principle. I've tried to- Congestion fee. There's a peeve. Outrageous. They charge a congestion fee at 5 a.m. Outrageous. Unless the guy had COVID, there's no fucking congestion. Yeah, exactly. What part of town were you going to? I was going to Midtown.

Upper West, basically Lincoln Center area. And they're fucking... And where were you? In the village? No, it was like 15th Street. That's not even two miles. Not even two miles. That's insane. Two miles exactly. You should have trained it at that point. I should have. It was like 5 a.m. and I was fucking...

I wouldn't fuck her out that time on the train. Not these days. There was a time. That's true. The train's wild now. Motherfuckers stepped us on the train. Yeah, show them, Sal. He's got a fucking switchblade over here. Get a little pepper spray going. Yeah, bud. He grew up in Brooklyn. There you go. Yeah. Not fucking around anymore. Get that knife out. Don't let that Hawaiian shirt fool you. He's not easy breezy. You see a dude in a Hawaiian shirt take a knife out, you're stepping back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's like Hunter Thompson shit. Yeah.

That's awesome. I have a big knife under my bed now. I have like a fucking Rambo knife. I have a Rambo knife under my bed because I was like, I need something in here in case somebody, you know, like it's fucking nuts. It's possible now. Yeah, it's fucking wild. Also a good way to get rid of a lady after one night stand. Like, have you seen my knife collection? She's like, forget breakfast. I'm out of here.

No, this city's gone down the fucking toilet. I love it still, but goddamn, what is happening? It's my favorite place on planet Earth.

Like it, I'll never. You like it like this? When it's dicey? A little Thunderdome? It's all right. I like it always. It's exciting. I feel like we're in a Grand Theft Auto video game and it's kind of fun to see. It does feel like you're going up against a boss every once in a while. You're like, this dude's fucking dangerous. Yeah. You don't know which way to go. Just as my brother were trashing the city, my brother and I are shitting on how the city's gone downhill. Right as we're staying in the West Village, we just see a dude chasing another dude with a pipe. And I was like, that's kind of fun. Yeah.

Keeps you engaged. If you've got bad ADD, a dude with a pipe chases you, you're going to focus. You're on your toes. Yeah, no, I agree. I agree. I...

I like it in all variations since I've lived here. And I do want more than ever now, I would like to buy a place in like the stick somewhere so I can go from one extreme to another when I need to. That seems fair. That's good. But that said, I can't imagine there will be a time in my life where I don't have something in this city that I'm renting or spending time here. Like, I just can't imagine it. It's the best...

in the world. I say this about Austin. I say it about New York. There are very few other cities I would say it about.

No matter how homogenized it becomes or how much things go sideways or downhill, it is still light years beyond any other city. Of course, of course. And I love Philly. There's a lot of other cities I love. Philly's great. Chicago's great. Yeah. There's a lot of them. Denver's fun. Austin. Yeah, it's just like this is one of those places where it's like no matter what happens, you're still...

It's just the fucking best. It's the best. Somebody put it well when pandemic was happening. I think it was Ian Lara. And he was like, people were like, the city's changing. Everybody's moving out. And he's like, New York doesn't care. It's always going to be here. It's always going to be the best.

It goes up, it goes down, but it's not changing. It's the same shit. It's just New York. It really is. It's like when people say, I'm fucking out of here. It's like New York's going to be okay. Even with the office space, everyone's like, well, what about the offices?

New York will find a way to survive. They'll figure it out. Trust me. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a part... The city's like a part of nature at this point. Yes. It'll adapt. Oh, the offices are going down? Guess what? Those will get turned into apartment buildings. Something will happen where it survives. Yeah, or like the world's first 36-floor nightclub or something. Exactly, yeah. Something insane. Dude, you got to go to floor 33. It's crazy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But no, dude, that's... I swear to God, I'm not being maudlin or poetic or anything. I swear to you this is true. That is the sentence that started...

me opening Joey roses with Paul Italia. We were sitting on his roof. We were looking at the closed buildings and he said, he said, Joe, mark my words. The survivors are the ones that stay. Everybody jumping ship. Forget it. Don't pay attention to that. The people that are going to survive here are the ones that stay in and see it through. And he goes, so if you ever had an idea, now's the time. Whoa.

That was literally the sentence and the sentiment that started it. So it's exactly what we're saying. It's like someone's saying the same thing in Ukraine right now. It's like, today's the day we open a sandwich shop. We need a sandwich shop here. Cupcake place. This is it. Joey Rose's keys. You're totally right, dude. I love these. I can't believe I still haven't been there. We're going to go. It's great. It's so well. It looks great in there. When you get in, you just want a high life and a shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we wanted it to be.

174 Remington, folks. Tuesday through Sunday. Maybe we mend up there at some point tonight. It'd be nice. I'm down. I'm down. I got 11 o'clock at the cellar. Oh, dear God. Which room? What?

VU. What was that sound that you just made? Sorry, I went all over the place. Are you a duck? VU's not a bad one at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday. VU's fun. They're animals. I like VU. I like VU a lot. I mean, I like all the rooms. The lighting looks beautiful in there now, too. It's like if you get a tape from there, you're like, this looks fucking beautiful. Yeah, it's a good... That's a great room. They're all good, but it hurts sometimes. You're like, I got a 1 a.m. at the Black Cat Bar.

Yeah. That's a tough one. In between setups, you just hear. I know, right? You hear a vacuum. Can you make that cocktail a little less loud, please? All right.

I know. Trying to pursue my dream. The worst is when you do the VU, you kill it. You go up to the Fat Black, which is eight feet away vertically, and you eat shit. It's the same material, eating shit. Yeah. And the VU is always spitting in the Black Cat's face because you're hearing the VU music playing as you're on stage at the Black Cat. So true. The VU really throws its nuts around. The VU is pretty epic. VU and McDougal are the two best. They're my two favorite rooms. Can't beat it. Comedy cellar, man.

I actually like... For that run of rooms, I actually prefer... Village Underground. The VU and the Blackout Lounge. The lounge is good. I have grown to love the lounge. Well, when you do an hour in there, it's great. Oh, the hour's all right. Yeah. I've really grown to love the lounge. And I love the downstairs room at the stand. That has had so many bombs in that room, though, dude. Those are my favorite places. I've run...

Once I saw Colin Quinn would run hours there, I would always beg Liz. I was like, I feel like after Colin, I was one of the first guys to just beg to run hours in there. Sure. Like, how else am I going to write in the city? And I would just bomb there so much. So I started to fucking hate the room, but it kept you honest.

I used to bomb there until they made it a legit regular room. And then something in the air in there changed when it was just a Monday night room to like do your, what'd they call it? New jokes. By the way, shout out to Will Silvins for starting that show. Will's been on the show before. I mean, started a show that literally was like, Hey, New Yorkers fucking bring new material. Like encourage us to write. Fuck.

Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. Ironically, all the people who need to write are never there. But you know who you are. That is interesting, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. That is interesting.

But yeah, there's still some great comedy rooms in the city. I like all of Gotham, but downstairs at Gotham, I love that little room downstairs. I love it. I love Gotham. Downstairs at the stand, I love. Yeah. VU Lounge. I like the cellar. Don't get me wrong. I just prefer the VU and then the Black Cat Lounge.

I love New York Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. Especially Fourth Street, too. I love that room. Killer. Both New York Comical Booms are pretty, they're both kill rooms. They're great. Yeah. Those are awesome rooms. And then after that, you know, like, Caroline's is a good headlining room. I don't fuck around. I don't go, do you guys go to the Strip or Stanton? I don't ever go.

I don't. I'll do private shows at the strip. The strip really blew it because they had Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld use them in their specials and they didn't parlay that into anything. It's like people were showing up, tourists were showing up like, this is the room. Right. And they didn't parlay that. I mean, I just did West Side Comedy Club and it was pretty good. It's a solid room. If it's full, it's great. I like it. Yeah, I like it too. You get a cool crowd. It's like that dewy Upper West Side crowd. I love it. I like that. I never did it before.

It's a good layout. I'd open for Bill Burr there once. It was sold out. It was bananas, but it's his people. All right. It's a cool room. Nice. Gina ran it for a minute. Gina said. She works at the cellar now. Yeah. Well, who knows? She's all over the road. Yeah. David tell it the best line on it. She's worked at so many clubs. He just walked up to her and he goes, eighth club's the charm. Ha ha ha.

she was dying she was laughing so hard it's like man that is so good he just can't not churn out gold the guy cuts deep he cuts real deep in one sentence he'll cut you to the core yeah yeah jesus christ man oh my god that's so fucking funny so good holy she told it to me i was like god damn that's good that's good and it's simple

Eighth clubs the four words. It also shows that how aware he is. He saw her. Oh, she worked here. She worked here. She worked here. And he put it all together and put it out in four words. That's love right there. Burning someone like that is love. That's love. I'm paying attention to your life and I'm teasing you. You got that right. That is love. I got a nork. I got a nork. All right. That was quick.

I got a Mark Norman joke. I ran this by you years ago. It's just a premise, so there's no punchlines. Lay it on me, Fetty. But the punchline, I mean, the premise is perfect. The impression, the cadence is perfect. I'm not going to be able to do the voice very well. All right. But this is a perfect Mark Norman bit. Premise with no punchlines. Ready?

You're going to remember this, I think, when I do it. Ready? I was doing this in the shower today. You don't know what I was doing in the shower earlier. Yeah. Premises, clothes shopping. Okay. Yeah. Did you ever go to the bargain rack? Jeez, that stuff is cheap. Did you ever go to Old Navy? Whole store is the bargain rack. Did you ever go to the bargain rack at Old Navy? Holy hell, they're giving it away. That's not bad. That's a perfect Mark Norman premise. Yeah.

There's no punchlines, as I said. I'll take it. I'll take it. You're close. You got one line away, and that's a killer bid. Thank God it's the old Navy. You don't know what the new Navy is charging. I don't know how to write jokes like that. How about this? How about this? Okay, bargain rack, bargain rack. I went to the bargain rack at Old Navy. It was Old Army. Okay.

All right. All right. I don't know. I'm thinking out. I'm spitballing here. But I like where your head's at. All right. I saw Emmy Blotnick on stage the other day. She goes, she just walked up and she's like, I don't know. I'm thinking about buying Twitter. And I was like, oh, I wish I thought of that. That's a great line. That's a funny bit. I love little lines like that. Did you ever see when Brendan Walsh used to go on stage? It worked every time. He would go on stage and he would open with, he'd go, Jesus Christ.

you don't know because you're in the show. Gene Hackman just died. I love his bed. Yeah, and the audience would be like, what?

And then he'd be like, I'm just fucking with you. And then we'd get this huge laugh. And I'd be like, none of you realize how much you love Gene Hackman. He did on Conan. It killed on Conan. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And also, how the hell is Gene Hackman still? He is 90-something. He's still going. He's still going. And he looks great. He just retired, yeah. Yeah, he doesn't act anymore, but he puts out a statement every few years where he's like, I'm doing good, everybody. I just don't act anymore. Welcome to Mooseport. We'll not define my end. Yeah, right?

Yeah, he's great. Gene Hackman just fucking ruled for so long. But such great movies. Oh, oh, God. French Connection? Come on. French Connection rules. Fucking Unforgiven, dude. Unforgiven. The Conversation. Royal Tenenbaums. Royal Tenenbaums. Heist. Enemy of the States Underrated. I never saw Enemy of the States. That's a good movie. Yeah. With Will Smith? Yeah, pre-slap. He's sort of like reprising his role from The Conversation. Yeah, pretty much. Uh-huh.

Well done, Sally. His second to last movie, I think, is Royal Tenenbaums. And his last movie is Welcome to Mooseport, right? No, Runaway Jury, Behind Enemy Lines. I don't know if that did well. What was Runaway Jury? He was in Behind Enemy Lines? That was a John Cusack vehicle out of New Orleans. That was when Cusack was still doing like...

weighty stuff. Yeah. By the way, he's got a great line in Tenenbaums when Danny Glover is fucking his ex-wife and he comes up on him like beefing and he goes, easy Coltrane. Yeah, yeah. I love that

Yeah, yeah. That's like an Attell. Yeah, no, that's so funny. Well, technically, his last movie is the release of the Richard Donner cut of Superman II, so he went out on top. All right, all right, there you go. Mooseport. Lex Luthor, for Christ's sake. Yeah, I just got the box set. Oh, Get Shorty was killer. Oh, that's right. This is a really good run right here. Okay, Jay.

Wyatt Earp, Quick and the Dead. Come on. Oh, yeah. Birdcage, right? Postcards from the Edge. Bit of a dark period here. I'll miss it, Bernie. Another Woman. That's a great Woody Allen movie. Hoosiers. Hoosiers.

Classic. Classic. We haven't even hit his street cap. Can you rewatch that though? You're like, this white team is not winning this game. Yeah, yeah. Let's be real. That's fantasy. You're doing running jump shots. This black team would fucking kill you. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Lord of the Rings was easier to swallow. That's so funny. The Poseidon Adventure, this guy's been there all. Holy shit. That's an honor. Wait, who the hell is he in Young Frankenstein? Yeah, who is he in that? I don't know. I mean, look it up. He's not the monster. Scroll up. Thank you. That's Peter Boyle.

Blind oh, that's right. He plays the blonde. Oh, yeah, is that right? There's few movie stars who wasn't traditionally good-looking Yes, like leading men types. I mean I agree like De Niro I guess Dustin Hoffman you could say also is not traditionally good-looking but sure, but he's cute He's got a full head of hair. He's a cute Jewish. Well, you know, he was originally Gene Hackman was originally mr Robinson in the graduate whoa, and he got fired because he

I think Dustin Hoffman, Mike Nichols played mind games with you. And Hoffman's like, I'm going to get fired. No, Gene Hackman's like, no, I'm going to get fired. And he's like, no, what are you talking about? You're great. And he goes, I'm too young. He's like, I'm like 10 years older than you. I shouldn't be playing Mr. Robinson. And Nichols was like, get him out. And he fired him. Whoa.

Michael Nichols seems like he was a dildo. He was a real dick, I think. Genius, but a dick, I think. Yeah, I think he was a very brilliant guy. But I've seen the interviews with him later in life. And the way he was talking, I was like, oh. I don't think I would have liked that. You're like the original alt comic. You're so sensitive about everything. The way he did that movie with Gary Shanling where he played the alien, remember, in the 90s? Yeah, what planet are you from? Dude, he wouldn't let him do like...

extra takes i'm like you're dealing with a fucking great comedian really and you're fucking the movie up because you're not letting him breathe interesting movie sucks it sucks but i mean do you only think it could have been maybe good if it was directed by someone else yeah well yeah or let let shanley and those guys do what they're gonna do exactly i mean this is a great run here he has a disease that made his hair fall out when he was like six mike nichols

So that's peace. Alopecia? Maybe. Jeez. Better not joke about that. Or is there another thing that's like alopecia? I don't know. I thought it was something else, but he's wearing a wig.

Yeah, I mean, Nichols, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? Did you ever see that movie? It's a fucking masterpiece. I got to watch it. That's right. Catch-22 is good. Tour de Force. Yeah, this guy's on fire. Working Girl. I jerked off to that. Regarding Henry? Come on. Regarding Henry. Birdcage. Damn, I didn't know he did primary colors. Birdcage.

Travolta played Bill Clinton. Oh, he did Closer. That's right. Closer. Closer's fucking good. That was hot. Oh, Charlie Wilson's War. Wow. Did you ever see that? I saw it. It was amazing. Oh, dude. Do you like Philip Seymour Hoffman? I love him. I can't believe I haven't seen it. Bro, it is in my top five Hoffman performances. Really? Top three. You got to watch it. What are the other two? Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights and Magnolia. Magnolia.

I would go Boogie Nights and Big Lebowski. Such a small role, though. It is. Both of them are small roles. You know what's an underrated Hoffman performance? MI3 as a villain. Oh, yeah. He's fucking amazing in that shit. He was fun in that. Wait, what other film? Give me the Philip Seymour Hoffman list. I want to rate Capote. Capote? Yeah, but it's not a... I don't enjoy the film, though. Book is good. It's a good movie. I'm saying, though, for my favorite Philip Seymour Hoffman performances...

I'm not putting Capote in. Oh, I love God's Pocket. Did you ever see that movie? Before the Devil Knows You're Dead? Yes. Awesome one. God's Pocket. Have you ever seen Schenectady? That's what I call my fleshlight. Yeah, Charlie Kaufman. My therapist loves that movie. God's Pocket is great. John Turturro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Richard Jenkins. Fucking love Richard Jenkins. Best post 9-11 movies.

25th hour and The Visitor. Richard Jenkins and The Visitor. Amazing. Yeah. For like that post 9-11 vibe. I'm going to give... All right, my top three. I'm going to give Boogie Nights...

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All right. I'm going to say Boogie Nights. Happiness? No, it's too gross. What? It's too gross. Whoa, I like that show you were in. Which one did I just say was my... Oh, Charlie Wilson's War. Yep. And I might go State and Maine as my third. I saw it when I was too young. I don't think I appreciated it enough. It's Mammoth, right? It's heavy. It's Mammoth. Yeah. Alex Baldwin. Oh.

No, but it's Alec Baldwin's in it and stuff, right? Yeah, Alec Baldwin fucks 16-year-olds in it. That's like his vice. They have to keep covering it up. Mamet's got a new movie out now, right? Who? Mamet? No, his play is American Buffalo. I'm going Thursday night. Oh, yeah? Sam Rockwell, Paul, and Lawrence Fishburne. I'm going Thursday night, 7 p.m. Do you want to take this chair? Yeah, I can't wait. No, no, Matt. Sit down. You need your computer.

All right. Holy shit. What else is above State and Main on the IMDb? Amy Mann is so fucking... That's a good one. Oh, Punch Drunk Love. He's great, but again, small role. Who? Oh, Long King Polly. He's great in that. Rain Drops. Hold on. I got to give a Long King Polly its props. He's amazing in that movie. There's this scratching of his fucking back hair. Oh.

Against this guy's chest. It's amazing. No, that's not him, though. He's in Strangers with Candy? Oh, yeah. The basketball with... I don't remember. It's the guy they're playing against. It's not Philip Seymour Hoffman. But Philip Seymour Hoffman is equally as disgusting in that movie. There he is. Get that up. Pull it up. His face was against the guy. He keeps going. He kills him. He keeps going swish, and there are none of the shots. Rain Man. Can I say Philip Seymour Hoffman's biggest problem is... Rain Dance. Rain Dance.

We've all played with this, dude. Is this Manhattan? Yes. Or it's supposed to be, at least. I don't know if it actually is. Love a ball hog who sucks. Yes. Raindrops.

Old school. What makes it even better is his form is kind of right. Yeah. And it's still horrible. Also, the shot they're showing is so off from the shot he takes. It's like a slam against the backboard. He has arc. Man, he's good. Whatever happened to him? He didn't know that your tolerance goes down. Ah.

You gotta ramp up, Philip. This is like every rom-com in the 90s. That's the one. His face goes... She's really cool. She did this. Baldwin's great in this too. Best rom-com, Zerosa.

Annie Hall. Annie Hall. Hannah and Her Sisters is my favorite movie of all time. You love that movie. Really? Yeah. That's a great movie. 10 Things I Hate About You. My favorite Woody Allen. Love Actually. Jesus. The Brits. I want Gay Polly. What do you think? You got a few?

Anything with Drew Barrymore? High Fidelity. High Fidelity is great. That might be the best one of all time. That's a good one. When Harry Met Sally is great. The TV show was awesome. Oh, Harry Met Sally is amazing. That's a great movie. Yeah, it's amazing. Classic shot. Great shot.

What else? They suck. They suck. Palm Springs is pretty good. Too much ROM, not enough COM. Right. COM is out. Good point. Something about Mary is technically a ROM COM. It's so good. That's a great movie. Wedding Singer? Wedding Singer's great. Wedding Singer's a good one. You know what's a decent comedy is Saving Silverman. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, I like Saving Silverman. That's fun. Yeah. Um,

Moonstruck, of course. Oh, Can't Buy Me Love. Holy shit. What a premise. He goes and fucks housewives. Say anything. The remake of Can't Buy Me Love was just Nick Cannon. Just the black Can't Buy Me Love. What? Is there a remake? Yeah, Nick Cannon did it. Really? Kevin Christie was in it. Can't Hardly Wait is a great one. Nick Cannon's in it? Jew repping Cannon. This is crazy. I love Nick Cannon. He's right about the Jews.

Dude, the day after the day the Ukraine war broke out, there was a picture of Nick Cannon performing at Caroline's and I just retweeted. I was like, can we get some good news today? And he just follows me right after I tweet that. I'm like, God, can't you make any jokes anymore without the lead of the masked singer coming after you? That's so funny, man. I'm not anti-Semitic. I follow Sam Morell. What the hell?

Pretty in Pink. Old John Hughes rom-coms were great. Yeah, yeah. Pretty in Pink's a great one. They were teen rom-coms. First Point Blank was great. That's not a rom-com. That's just like a great movie. Some Kind of Wonderful. Punch Drunk Love is such a weird... First Point Blank is so fucking underrated. I think I might love rom-coms. With all these numbs. They're amazing, dude. That's some great ones. That's some bad ones. When you were an aspiring director, your first movie was always one of two things. Is he apartment rom-com? It was either a heist...

It is. I guess so. It's a great rom-com. Which one? Which one? The Apartment with Jack Lemmon. Billy Wilder movie. I'll be honest with you. I think in its own way, The Odd Couple is a rom-com. That's a buddy movie. That's a buddy movie. Yeah, but it's a buddy movie. It's a rom-com between two men. Swingers is a buddy movie. Love Letter, I see. It's a rom-com with no penetration, Mark. It's two guys that think they're not going to make it, making it in the end. You know what I mean? Okay, okay.

So Hoosiers was a rom-com? No, that's not a... I don't know. Midnight Run was a rom-com. The Accused is a great rom-com. Schindler's List, rom-com. Beverly Hills Cop, rom-com. Wait, what movie were we just talking about, though? Serenipity? No.

Along came Pauly. Are you drinking straight tequila out of a martini glass? I am. It's the only one I could find on short notice. There's many glasses up there. There's a glass right there. Glass over there. Glass over there. I didn't see them all. What kind of pizza did you get? Kosher pizza. Whoa. There's a kosher pizza place right around here. You're really running with this new show. It's really shitty. What's on it? There can't be meat or cheese on it. There was cheese. It's one or the other, I mean. Oh, yeah, right. Did you bury the plate?

That's all I know about Jewish culture. You were a Jewish Hebrew school kid, huh? Yeah, Orthodox Jewish. You went all in. I went to a seminary. Yikes. Israel, two years. How was it? Great. Was the falafel incredible? The falafel was incredible. And the bread, it was just fresh every day. Falafel Eshtenor. How'd you dodge the army?

Don't tell them your father's Israeli. That was the prime directive. Do not say your dad is from Israel. They will draft you. Wow. And get out before you've been there for three years. Damn.

Yeah, and claim your effect. Pussy. God damn it. I'm hungry now. I'm hungry. I kind of like the mandatory army thing. I don't want to do it, but I think it might be good for the... It makes everybody feel like you're part of the country. Exactly. In theory, it's great. In theory. In theory, communism is great. In theory. Wow, in theory. Hey, in theory, comedy is great. Yeah, true. That is true. That is true. What a shit fucking gig. Ha ha.

Hey, we're having a blast right now. No, this is fun. This ain't comedy. This is podcasting. This is fallback plans. This is what we should have been doing the whole time. This is drinking with your buddies. Speaking of which, you got a special you're recording, which we're all confused about.

I can explain. I knew I was going to get shit for this. I knew I was going to get shit for this, but yes, I'm shooting my new hour special. I'm proud of you. In Houston at the Come and Take It Festival. Secret group. Yeah, at the secret group. Andrew Youngblood is the joint. Yeah, May 19th and May 22nd, a Thursday and a Sunday, one show each night.

Come on out. It's very few seats. It's a 200-seater in there. Not even. No, I'm doing the small room. Oh, the box. I'm doing like the tight room. 27 seats. It's going to be incredible. Is that where you did our show, Mark? Is that where you did our skank fest show?

Oh, one of them. You jump around in there. No, no, no. Our pre-Skankfest show, Me, You, and Shane. Is that that room? That's the big room. He's doing the small one. Wow. Oh, it's going to be tight. Yeah, it's going to be great. So I'm doing Thursday. Then I go to Austin and do four shows at the Creek and Cave on that Friday and Saturday. Oh, nice. Then I come back to Houston and do the second taping of the special on the 22nd. Interesting. So it's going to be a weird thing, but very cool. So yeah, that's it. New hour. It's called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. Oh, good. That's nice. Joy Roses. Poetic. Poetic.

I saw it on a book and I was like, I'm going to call my special. That's got the nice negative tone. I didn't give you a sandwich shop. But yeah, I'm excited. But yeah. So anyway, that's it. All right. What got you to hunker down and go, fuck it, I'm doing an hour special? Because I, you know, like all of us probably, I had the skeleton of whatever the hour was before lockdown, right? Sure. And...

I, you know, slowly started to do comedy again and write some new things. And then I went on the road. And then when I went on the road, I remember sitting down one day and being like, all right, I'm going to go fucking crazy. Like, I need to write like 20 new minutes to like fill out what this skeletal hour was because I'm plugging all the holes with old stuff.

And I had never released the other stuff. So I did that and it all worked and it just congealed. And all of a sudden this hour that I was like iffy about from before the pandemic became this much more elevated thing. Nice. That I was very proud of. And I started doing it and it was just working. And I was like, I need to do this. I need to record this like now. Like this is, cause it's very like of the time. It's very, you know. And that was it. What are you playing, man? I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you a rose garden.

Oh, there you go. I didn't even know it was a song. What a bomb outfit she has on. I would wear that. Should I dress like that in the special? Yeah. I had to look at you to see if you could pull it off, but I think you can.

it's gonna be awesome look at those glasses who is this bitch i'm sure a lot of our listeners know joe stand up but he's hilarious thanks guys i've been trying to get you to stand up for 10 years the one joke i always quote from you is uh i think we might have been a throwaway joke but it was uh everybody talking about how great uh europe is compared to america oh they've got this they've got that it goes yeah you know what they got in europe that we don't have in america

ruins fuck europe there's no air conditioning that's great it took me a second you guys are sweet thank you i appreciate it thank you guys i love you i quote your bit about tolerance all the time he's like everybody thinks they're so tolerant tolerant don't give it away it's like that's a closer oh that's oh really yeah that's a great bit special that that oh yeah okay okay all roads lead to that bit okay all right manager

The Depression album you did? Depression Auction. She said it was her favorite CD of all time. Rogan's manager said that? Yeah, it doesn't mean you'll be on. You won't ever be on again. But he did say that she was like, I loved it. I couldn't stop playing it. Really? I loved it so much. Yeah. Where the hell has she been?

handling a multi hundred million dollar career are you still smoking Marlboro Reds is the question I quit smoking a few months ago good for you I remember you were it's always rough when you see a young guy with Marlboro Reds I was never a Reds guy though I was a Winston's guy for a minute get your head out of your ass Winston's fuck off for a while

you're not better than us winston's are trash what are you talking about sounds classy though yeah no winston's i don't know pull up winston's is a cigarette that you pack on the back of a slave those are winston's these are not classy oh what am i thinking you're thinking like dunhills yeah dunhills yeah dunhills are classy yeah winston's are like cowboy cigarettes you're right i'll take it back really

Yeah, Winston's are not. Winston sounds like a waspy name, though it still sounds classic. Winston? It sounds like you're a butler. You know Winston? You know who smoked Winston's? You know who smoked Winston's? And I know because I knew his daughter for a while. I was friends with his daughter.

Josh Brolin smoked Winston. That's the kind of guy that smokes Winston. Like a grizzled piece of meat. I love that guy. That's a fucking man. Ever since Goonies, that guy's fucking rocked. I knew his daughter thought it was cool. Yeah, she worked at the stand for him. She's the best. She's so fucking cool. Super cool. He was in the double Marvel thing where he was Thanos, but then he was also the bad guy in Deadpool. Wow, interesting. Yeah.

There he is. I had video. I never met him for as long as I was friends with Eden. I never met him. But Eden used to watch my dog when I lived in LA because we were friends. She would do me the favor. And one day I was somewhere and she was taking care of my dog. And she started sending me all these videos. And it was Josh Brolin playing with my dog. Whoa.

The fucking dog is like spreading peanut butter on his nuts. You're like, Jesus. He was at the stand once just hanging out. And I went up to him and I was like, hey. And I bombed horribly. And I was like, how about that show, huh? And he was like, get away from me. Wow. I bombed horribly. You fucked it with Brolin? I tried. I tried. He gave me the wave away. It's funny because Brolin is not anyone we any of us dream about talking to. But when he's there, it's like, oh, cool.

Oh, yeah. He's awesome, man. Dude, I was there one night. That's banging Streisand. Yeah, that's right. James Brolin. I could have said married instead of banging. That would have been nicer. Amityville Horror. James Brolin. I mean, that's a legend. Dude, look up James Brolin's hair now. It's insane. Great hair. What's it called? I was there one night. Terrible crowd. Oh, my God. In the back of the room. Edie Falco. Whoa.

I went on stage, had a decent set, but the one who was carrying it was Edie Falco. Whoa. She was like, yeah, she was like really laughing. I was like, that lady is awesome. She gets it. She gets like what we're all fucking going through right now.

I mean, it was a rough fucking crowd. That's the only person. When you see her in the crowd, that's the only person I care about. Isn't it funny when you see one celebrity in the crowd? Venus Williams was in the audience once at the Village Underground. Everybody was looking to their left the whole time. Is she laughing? Was she having fun? She was having a blast. Venus Williams was? Wow. Robin Compton.

That's awesome. Like Snoop. Look at Josh Brolin. He looks like Alan Havy. Look at that hair, dude. That hair is not insane. He only got Barbra Streisand because he looks like he has a good 401k. Barbra looks like Ron Perlman.

I love when people try to tell you a young Barbra Streisand was hot. You're like, fuck you. She had moments. She was hot, you. She had clear skin. That's it. She looked like a fucking big nose honker. I love the nose. I love the eyes. This is the one clip that's going to get pulled from this podcast. Look at that. It's Ari calling Barbra Streisand a big nose honker. Look at that. God damn it. She's pointing where she's headed. She does look like Ari. In Ari's defense, she looks like Ari. Guess what? She does. I would fuck a young Ari Shafir. He had a career. How weird is this?

How fucking weird is this? Same thing I would say if I fucked Barbra Streisand. This is not happening. I remember I asked Eden once about it. I was like, Eden, it's kind of weird. Like, I just realized this. Your grandmom is kind of Barbra Streisand. And I was like, I know she's not like your, like, by blood grandmom, but she's like your grandmom by marriage. And I was like, is that weird? And she's like, well, you know, it's me. She's just Barbra. And I was like, God, that's like...

Even as many famous people as we've all met, you can't wrap your head. I can't wrap my head around. Of course. Who's the weirdest person in the crowd where you're like, fuck, this messed me up? I had the lady from CSI in the crowd. What's her name? Which one? You know her. The CSI gal. She's kind of milfy. She's older. She's pretty. Abby Crutchfield. No, that's a comedian. The lesbian one?

CSI lady. The lady from CSI. CSI where? There's so many CSIs. Susan Sarandon. That's her, the first one. What's her name? Marge. Marge Helgenberger. Oh, I thought she was more famous. Elizabeth Shue? Marge Helgenberger. Elizabeth Shue, dude. I wouldn't even know who that lady was if I met her. I saw her and she was glowing. She was in the crowd at John Franklin's, Joe Franklin's.

Oh, man. Remember that fucking disaster of a show? That's a bad pick. Give me a good pick. She's clearly attractive. We have one night in the belly room. You've done 400,000 shows. This is your name? Okay, well, I did the Patrice benefit, and Adam Driver was in the front row. Was he laughing? Yeah, he was awesome. One night in the belly room, Jon Bon Jovi was there with a guy from True Crime. What's his name? True Detective?

The main one. McConaughey. What? McConaughey. McConaughey was bombed, heckling everybody. We'd all finish our sets. But like fun or no? Not fun. Okay. Go to the green room. Jon Bon Jovi would come back and go, I'm really sorry for my friend. I really apologize. One after another, he would come out and apologize for McConaughey. Wow.

We're being bombed. I fucking bombed. This is my worst one. I bombed at the Boston Comedy Club in front of Inspector Deck from Wu-Tang Clan. And he's my favorite Wu-Tang member. That's your favorite? I turned to him in the middle. You contrarian fuck joke. No, I love Inspector Deck. You love it?

He's awesome. He's awesome. Joe will always be like, what's a non-obvious choice? No, no. Inspector Deck is awesome. He's great, but I'm just saying, RZA, JZA, Ghostface, that's who you go with. Deck, in my opinion, buries everybody. I love the entire Wu-Tang Clan. I'm not shitting on anybody. Totally. The only comparable lyricist to Wu-Tang is Method Man to Deck. In my opinion, he's that above me up. Maybe I don't know enough about him. Joe likes the new Star Wars more than the old Star Wars. Yeah.

Deck is triumph. I bomb atomically. Like, that's the most famous Wu-Tang verse ever. Oh, that's him? Yeah, that's Inspector Deck. Anyway, he was in the crowd. I was bombing so fucking bad. Oh, this is very familiar. Yeah. No, you know all the songs from Wu-Tang. This is the big one. M-E-T-H-O-D is the big one.

This is pretty hard, though. Yeah. All right, cut it. We got to pay for royalty. I was bombing so bad that I turned him in the middle of my set and I go, Deck, I don't know what to tell you. Wow. And he left, I believe, during my set. Oh.

He goes, this guy's going to talk to me afterwards. I don't want to be here. Yeah. Good save. Shit. Damn. Wu-Tang. That's crazy. Yikes. Hey, guys, where can people get these shirts? We might be drunkpod.com. You got that right. And we got the glasses you like. Dude, I remember I was in Tampa once middling and...

This is years ago. Side splitters? Yeah, and Chris Jericho is in the crowd. No. The wrestler. Isn't he the one that killed his wife? No, it's Chris Benoit. That would have been a better story. He was the man. That would have been a much better story. Sam was like, do something about your life. This motherfucker's going to kill his wife or some shit. He's got bad energy. Now, uh...

Now, Chris Jericho was hammered. And years later, he did my MSG show. He's cool as fuck. Really nice guy. But he was wrecked during the show. And I was like, he's going to fucking ruin my set. Like, I think he's going to. He's so drunk. He's laughing so loud that it's like, I can't not address this. But I don't want to address it because I'm a fan. This is weird. Right. And I got off just as it was about to turn. And I was like, thank God. Who headlined?

A guy named Tim Wilkins. Wait, I've heard of him. Really good dude. It was so many years ago. He crushed. I mean, it was like... He's one of those road headliners. Road headliner. Or like, B.C. room headliners. And you're like, happy to feature for them. Murder. Yeah, feature for them. And then awesome. I remember I was staying in the condo. He would like, come by to check on me. He would just be like, how are you? He would just hang. Wow. He was an awesome guy.

And I remember getting off being like, thank fucking God. Yeah. And he kind of came out at the end just stumbling. It was cool as fuck. Wow. Oh, there he is. I don't know.

Is that him? Yeah, that's him. Oh, wow. It's amazing those B-level headliners that were like pretty much all really cool. Oh, he was awesome. I know. I loved him. They might have a bit of an alcohol problem. I don't think he drank. I think it was just, you know. But like they were all pretty fucking respectful and like, hey, let me give you a little bit of advice, but otherwise do your own thing. Yeah. He told me a great story. Actually, I remember he told me he opened for Geraldo.

many years ago. Jim Geraldo or Greg? Greg. Okay. Greg. Geraldo Rivera. He featured for Geraldo Rivera and he said, Geraldo just tore his act apart.

And it fucking made him work his ass way harder. It was like, man, it was the best thing anyone ever did for me. And you're like, man, it's crazy. The hazing back. I don't even know what to call it, hazing. But I remember Jesse Joyce telling me a story about one time Geraldo goes, what's up with your shoe? Let me see your shoe. And they were on the balcony of a hotel. And Geraldo just threw it over the balcony. Oh. And Jesse was like, all right. And it landed in the pool. And it's like, I'm the opener. That's what you do. It's so funny. Because this is funny. It's like, but actually, I have no way to get home now. No.

Yeah, there's a lot of that. I get how it's funny. Yeah, and that's also one of those jokes. It's funny, but now I have to go to the airport with one shoe. If you do that joke to somebody, you have to be like, I'm going to buy you a new shoe. Let me buy you a new shoe right now. I guess so. That's a real like, come on, dude.

it's my fucking shoes even the slapping that this is a very new york thing is slapping the food out of someone's hand on the floor that was big it's big but also it's like fuck but it's like oh if you can't afford a slice of pizza like here's five bucks go get it yourself bitch but it's at least like i'm out out money i would never do it to a young kid that couldn't afford it i would only do it to like like a friend or like me you wouldn't have to give me the money with a young guy you'd have to give them i would only do it to a close personal friend right only in there i would only be in there could you

I mean, do it. Like I did it to Voss in Austin and I was, and we were both laughing so fucking hard. You know what I mean? Like, it's funny. Yeah. I remember Bobby just stuck. I forgot who it was. He just took his finger and stuck it in their drink. And I was like, it's so fucking disgusting. So Patrice said to Jason Andors, we went to Jay's christening at the comic strip.

Classy guy. Who's christening? Isabella's christening at the comic strip. Jay got his kid ordained by God? At the comic strip. Oh, my God.

I heard he got bumped by Seinfeld. Hold on, 10 minutes more. He got bumped by Seinfeld's abortion. He's Jewish. No, but he... So we all went and Jason Andors got the last piece of cake and Patrice... And it was free cake. Like, who cares? But Patrice goes...

Is this your cake? Is that good? And stuck his finger down into it. And Jason Andrus was so mad he was going to hit Patrice. That's the best. He was so mad. I was like, Jason, it's like free baptism cake. Who gives a shit? If you're mad enough to strike someone, you've done the right thing by getting them that mad. Right.

It's pretty soul crushing. I was at a moon tower years ago, maybe South by, and I was looking at my notes and I had all my jokes and Bobby Kelly swatted them all. They all went, all went scattered. And I was like, fuck, this sucks. Older comic. Can't do shit. Can't do shit. Make sure it's someone you're friendly. At least Bobby, you're friendly with. I had a guy do that to me once. Well, like it was like a comic. I didn't really respect. And I wasn't close to, and he just smacked the notes out of my hands. I was like, I don't even know you, dude. That's got to know. You got to know where you are with the relationship to ball. Dude,

I in LA when I first moved to LA and man he got like legitimately mad at me I was at a I was at a party at UCB for something and I was talking to Kamal Nanjiani it was before he was famous

He was a fun guy. Yeah. And he had a book. He had like a notebook with him, like a little notebook. I guess he was doing a set earlier. And I go, hey, can I see that? And he handed it to me and I threw it across the room. And he goes, go pick that up right now. I love the line in this thing. Yeah, dude, he got dead serious and he goes, go pick that up right. And I go, no. And he goes, go pick it up. I go, I'm not picking it up. That's the joke. Fuck you. I'm not picking it up.

And a girl that worked at UCB saw it happen and went over and grabbed it and came back and handed it to him. And she turns to me and she goes, real mature. And walked away. No, I'm a comedian. I'm not mature. And I was like, guys, it was a joke. Like, Jesus Christ. And he was legitimately mad at me for it. Get on all fours and get it with your mouth, Joe. In my cast in Pakistan, that is the biggest insult you can do. Damn.

That's hilarious. I thought Kumail's stand-up was really funny back then. He is. He's hilarious. And he was a fun guy to drink. I'm not snogging him as a dude, but he's a real man. And he is the guy to go to on advice for steroid use.

He is shredded. He looks insane. If you need to know what it's like to be in a Marvel movie or how to take steroids, he is your guy. I love when he showed his new body. He's like, listen, you got to be a dietician and work out. I'm like, and?

Some people just don't fuck with that. I saw a Ted Alexandra one when I was brand new. I was at the cellar eating, and I saw Ted sitting next to Patrice and a couple other guys, and he was wearing a weird sweater, and they all went to town on his sweater, and he goes, eh, and he got up and changed seats. He didn't like it. I didn't know we could do that. I didn't know that was part of it. Opt out. Opt out and move. Here's the thing. At least Ted, though, just was like,

Eh, it's not for me. He didn't go ballistic. I had... I don't want to name names because I like the guy, but a guy. Harvey Weinstein. We were making... I was at a table with Keith and Norton and there was another... It was at the Cellar and then there was another table of comics who all worked there.

And me and Keith were like making fun of their table. And I very loudly was like, ah, your table stinks. This is the better table. You know, whatever. Dumb, stupid shit. Yeah. And this comic got up to go do his set and leaned into my ear on the way downstairs and goes, you feel like a fucking big man now because you make fun of me? To all your fucking comedy friends because you'll do anything to be liked, right? You'll do anything to be fucking liked. I walked upstairs and I was like, what the fuck, dude?

And then he came up to me later and he's like, dude, I'm sorry about that. I was just, I'm not in a good mood. And I was like, yeah, no shit, dude. Wow. Jesus Christ. Comics do that a lot. A lot of comics. I've had a lot of comics lose their shit on me. And then the next day be like, that was really uncool. And I'm like, yeah, thank God I'm in therapy. And I'm not fucking crazy like you two. Or we would have been fucking throwing fists. It is the best when a comic goes to you and goes, hey, I was weird a lot. I'm sorry. And you're like, okay, great. It's okay.

It's over. Thank god you caught that. I didn't spill it. You wanted me to spill it, but I didn't spill it. I had a comic get in my face like a week ago and basically say, let's fucking go. Let's fucking fight. I can't say his name. Wait, can we mute it? I'll say it after. Just like you want to say yours, we'll say both after. Judy Gold wanted to fight me. Judy, let's fucking go. It's 50-50. It's 50-40 you'd win.

I don't know. I'm going to flip it in her favor. I forgot so fast that I made a rule that I didn't want to say my name. You did the exact thing. I was like, who was it, Sam? No, I don't want to throw his name under the bus. But it was literally a week ago and he was like, let's fucking, he got in my face. He was like, let's fucking go. And I was like, wow, am I going to have to fight this? Like, I'm going to get my ass kicked. This sucks. By the way, the guy that does that is never the guy you think it's going to be. No.

You would think in your head, you'd go, "Lewis Gomez." And it's like, no, it wasn't Lewis. Lewis actually laughed really hard. Lewis is protecting you. I remember one time Mark and I were at CB's and some guy's screaming at Mark. We're all bombing. Mark is kind of, remember that at CB's Comic Con? Yeah, of course. Of course. And Mark can't get shit because the crowd's horrible and one guy keeps heckling him and Lewis gets in the guy's face and goes, "Pussy!

pussy and the guy's like ah and lewis goes you and me outside right now and he drags the guy outside in front of his girlfriend he goes pussy and the guy's like ah and he goes you fucking bitch he just humiliates him in front of and i was kind of like i'm really glad that guy's on our side gotta love that you have an on your side

That's amazing. But anyway, this guy gets in my face. He's trying to fight. And I'm just like, hey, man, let's calm down. It's not a big deal. And he was like, it is a big fucking deal. We go outside. I have to wait. And I'm like, let's talk it out. And after like 20 minutes, he goes, I was way out of line. You're right. That's good. That's rare. It's so big to be able to say that. I was wrong. I'm sorry. That's big. I got off stage once. This is a work environment. This isn't the fucking hood. I know. Exactly. It was Joe Mackey, wasn't it? Joe Mackey. Yeah.

Dude, I was sitting on my camera once to film my set. I had to make a tape for somebody. And Steve Byrne was on stage. I'm only saying this because he handled it right. But like, I was... Steve Byrne. Yeah, Steve Byrne. Great guy. I love Steve. Level-headed guy. Sweet guy. Yeah. And I was like setting it. And I was like, all right, let me press record. Waiting for him to finish. He already has the light. And then he gets off. He's like, who the fuck is filming me? And he grabs my camera. It's me.

I'm on next. I would never do that to you. I'm not doing anything. I'm sitting at my camera. Wow. And then I did my set, couldn't tape it. And then afterwards, hey, man, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know. Thank you. Yeah. Immediately ready to be like, I'm sorry. I thought it was something other than a word. I really regret you posting this meltdown of yours a second ago. Right, right.

You came off crazy. Comedians might be a little unhinged. A little irrational. As long as they come to the conclusion later and you're like, hey, just watch it next time. Give it a minute before you swing on me next time. Yeah. Because we're friends. That's the thing I had to tell this guy. I was like, you consider me your friend? He goes, yeah. I was like, then don't try to fucking fight me. I know. I saw Rogan do this once. Somebody goes, hey, Doug Stanhope has the same bit as you. I think he stole it. Joe just goes, no. Oh.

Oh. Well, I think he's like, no. He's like, you're not going to convince me Doug Stano is suddenly a thief. No. Because that's what they want. They want you to get worked up and go fight somebody. Because I don't know the situation. You're wrong. Yeah. Gross. By the way, it's like there's a million fucking, we're all going to land on the same shit sometimes. Let's not fight. I know. A week after the Chris Rocks left. Yeah, they baited.

They love it. They're like, we're action figures. And somebody tweeted like, hey, Hannibal, Norman's talking shit because I got drunk with Hannibal. I told a story about it and he listened to it and he was like, shut up. Fuck you. And I was like, thank God. He listened to it too. Yeah. I just outright go, nah. Yeah. The way these dumb dicks that do nothing except write to people on the Internet. They don't. Trying to start shit. Yeah. Try to start shit. They don't create anything. They just listen and try to start shit. Yeah.

Yeah, they're... Seems like maybe theft has happened here. It sounds like a conspiracy theorist trying to connect dots. I know. The problem is they never retract. They never retract. I had a guy go, you stole this joke from Mulaney. And I'm like...

I don't know. Maybe he's got a similar joke. And I looked it up. Mine was from 2011. His was from 2015. So I write him that, and he never wrote back. Yeah. How about you go, hey, you're not a thief. Adrian had one. You stole this from Bobby Lee off a podcast. And she's like, well, mine was on the David Letterman show, which is not around anymore. So it was nine years before this. Right.

So you think, I stole it, so now go accuse him. I heard Bobby Lee did his on Tom Snyder. That was a fucking lost show. I got into it. I am embarrassed that I even responded, but I got into it with a guy this morning. This morning? You can't do it. You can't do it. I woke up. Yeah, I woke up, and I was just making coffee and looking at my phone, and I see this tweet, and the guy's like...

The guy's like, you know, can somebody please replace DeRosa on Taste Buds? What? It's your show. I know. He doesn't know. You guys are gold together. Thank you. It's a great show. Thank you. Thank you. Perfect pairing. Thank you. And he's like, he's like, he doesn't understand when he's being an asshole to everybody. Like, whatever.

But he listens. Yeah. And I wrote back and I was just like, I just at first I was a dick and I was just like, you don't get it. It's above your head. Like there's plenty of lowbrow entertainment out there for you and everything. And then he's like, you're a fucking hack. Like, wow. And then I wrote back and I go, listen, man, I'm paraphrasing, but I go, listen,

I'm actually going to try to talk to you as a human being right now. That's fun. Why do you listen to a show that you hate 50% of? It doesn't make any sense. I just don't understand. I'm really asking you why. This is self-torture.

And I go, it would be like watching the Marvel movies just for the Thor scenes. But you hate the Avengers. I was like, there are other avenues to get your Sal fix. Good point. A lot of avenues. And he was like, oh, Joe, I'm not talking about your show, Simple Joe. You're so dumb. I'm talking about you. You fucking hack. And I go...

No, dude, I'm trying to talk to you like a human being right now. Well, the problem is you can't. I mean, the problem is you... Well, exactly. These people have too much access to you where it's like... Back in the day, you would just hate a guy and just be like, I don't like that guy. Now it's like, hey, I don't like you. And we're like, oh, why don't you... We can't even entertain that shit. So, exactly. And then, like, I have a bit about this in my new hour. And I finally just said to him, like, I just go...

You know what, dude? I tried to talk to you like a person. I go, you have borderline personality disorder. There's something wrong with you. Like, you should try to talk to somebody. You're diagnosing your followers. Yeah, I go, there's something wrong with you that you feel the need to be mean like this. Yeah. That you get enjoyment out of it. This is what it's called. You should find help. I hope you happiness or whatever. And he's like, oh, simple Joe, you fucking hacked it. And I go, no, dude, I'm serious. Like, I hope you find joy in your life. Like, there's something wrong with you. Yeah.

And then he kept doing it. And I go, look, dude. He's not going to let go. He's not going to go like, well. You're just like, yeah. And you're just like, what in the fuck is wrong? Like, I'm like, and I just finally, I go, I've spent too much of my time on this dude. I'll see you later. Like, whatever. But it's so not. This is why Metzger said he prefers Facebook over Twitter. Because he goes, on Twitter, you write a joke. Someone else comes in and goes, hey, you suck, whatever. And he goes, spatially, they're equal. You write a tweet, he writes a tweet. He goes, on Facebook, you write a tweet. And then they have this idiot.

bitty little line at the bottom, which is way smaller because that's where you belong. Right. You're nothing compared to the fucking artist who's doing it. Right. That's why I like Sam Murill. That's true. No names, but plenty of times at the back table, Sam Murill, drunk or not, will go, hey, I don't like you. Right.

Go away. You're not doing it online. You're doing it man to man. I love that you did. I didn't know you did that. I love that. Occasionally. Very rarely. Someone's got to be horrible. And folks, this is to the booker.

No, that's awesome that you do that. Seriously. It's very rare. You got to really push me. But then they go online and blah, blah, blah. But who cares? That's on them. That's on them. Sam handles it the right way. Go away. Get the fuck away from me. I don't care. You just can't. You can't respond to people. You can't. You just can't.

I never look, I never look at the, I really, if I look, I looked at the Simon Rex comments on that episode because every comment, every message I got was like, I love this episode. So I was like, all right, let me look. So I looked at those comments that were so positive. I almost never look at comments. Well, Simon did this episode and people loved it. Everyone loved it.

He seems like a really nice guy. I love him. He's a mensch. And he's got amazing stories. Oh, great. He also listens to this. So he just came with like... He was so prepared. That's awesome. He killed it. So much better than you guys. Really. I rarely look at comments. Comments are not... Because if they're good, you don't believe them. And if they're bad, they make you feel bad. No, it's bad. So that's the problem. The good ones, you're like, well, that's not real. And the bad ones...

bring you down. Jay said it the best. He goes, the comments are people who are like Stern comments. He goes, they're for Stern. They're going to watch every episode. And they go, I hated this episode. They're not hoping Stern watches this. They're just talking to each other. They're fans. They're watching every episode. And the people who like it aren't writing. No one's like, I love this. Yeah.

I love this episode, whatever. They just go, I hate this, and then move on. The good guys aren't writing. Yeah. And also, guess what, man? It's a free show. You're going to like some episodes. Enjoy the takeoff. You're not going to like others. We're doing our best. We want this to be a show that people like. Yeah, that's why I like the Edinburgh Free Fringe, because people are like, this sucks. They're like, just leave.

You've paid nothing. Take off. Yeah. And it's the same to a podcast. It's like I've said that to certain fans where they bitch. I go, oh, I'm sorry that we're giving you free entertainment every week. Go fuck off. Yeah. I wish I could be like, what do you want? Like too many ads. It's free. You fucking twat. Go pay five bucks a month for Peacock, motherfucker. Yeah. Like fuck off, man. All you're hearing now online is you can affect comedians if you write. Ha ha ha.

If you message, everyone message Joe, Simple Joe, right now. Simple Joe. Oh, Simple Joe. I was drunk when I wrote that. Simple Joe. I am Simple. A drop in from Simple Joe. Well, we're all obsessed.

Success with reaction. That's our whole job as stand-ups. To hear laughs. Hear laughs, hear a groan, see where we're at, see what we do. It's all feedback. So comments are a throw us off. I agree with that. But I would say my new stance in all this is I'm tired of feeling afraid of

Let's all be honest. I hate black people. None of us are not reacting to trolls because we want to be the bigger man. We're all not reacting to trolls because of a fear of what it will bite us in the ass with. So you interact with a troll. Once you unlock that door, it's a whole world of mayhem. It's not good. But my point is, and that's part of my point.

it's part of it is every troll is amber heard it'll feel good to trash them for a second but then in the end you're like i should not but here's the thing it's not even trashing them it's just it doesn't have to be at least right it's any interaction where i don't agree with you the troll mentality is i'm going to go harder now yeah so eventually it's going to lead back to fake review bombings or whatever the fuck it is to hurt you in any way they can that is where it will end up and

And I'm just quite frankly tired of living in fear of that. A taste buds anthrax package. You know, like, yeah, I'm like tired of it. I'm tired of being, I'm tired of going, well, God forbid I speak my mind about this because that group of fans then will come after me and do this to me. Right. Or these people will get my personal information and post it. Or these people, I have an album coming out and they'll ruin the reviews or whatever the fuck it is.

I'm tired of living in some marginal fear of what these fucking animals on the internet will do where it suddenly takes away basic decency and human interaction. If anyone, and I'm not being cliche, I hope I'm not at least. If somebody says to you, if somebody said any of these things to you in public, you would never just walk away. You would say, Hey man,

Why are you saying that right now? No, no, no. Let's talk about this. You're trying to reason with... You're unreasoning. But there aren't that many lunatics out there. Based on what you're seeing on the internet, do you understand what I'm saying? You never would encounter that many lunatics ever in a day. Have you been on the one train lately? Shh.

I'll tell you this. I am a troll, and I enjoy trolling. But at least you admit to being a troll. These people think they're normal. No, they know they're trolls. I disagree. They know they're trolls. The point is to get a reaction from you so it doesn't matter what I say. If it's like, what are you weird about? Your glasses? I'll make fun of your glasses. Oh, that's a non-starter? Your pants are tight. That's not working? Hey, I hate Egypt. That's not working? Curly hair is dumb. Until I get something to fucking get a rise out of you. I had a problem with every one of those things. Yeah.

Telling something out of you. I don't care because I'm a troll. I'm just trying to rise out of you. But your thing is, your thing is, is I'm going to make outlandish jokes that piss off people that are being way too sensitive. Yeah. And you're not going to make them at anybody. You're just going to make them publicly and watch people just react. Yeah. There's a big difference. That's not what I'm talking about. There's a big difference. I'm talking about people that seek you out to say things personally to you that are in a certain way personal and are

we have to play this whole game of be the bigger man. Don't respond. If they, if you respond, they're getting to you. How many times will you write something back to a troll and they'll go,

bro, all I care about is I got you to respond. Fuck you. And you're like, you're like, no, dude. Like, I'm just so sick of it. I'm just so sick of it. After all that Kobe stuff that everyone's coming at me, like death threats and shit. And I had fun with it. I was like, at some point, like, well, I know this is happening. So I wrote to my friends. I was like, hey, if you guys got a standup clip, the eyes are on my Instagram. Yeah.

We can get some eyeballs. That's smart. Yeah. And so Michelle gave me one. A couple of you guys gave me one. Monroe Martin was one of the guys who gave me a clip. So I put it up and people were calling him, I mean, really dark, racist. Really? In defense of Kobe. In defense of Kobe, yeah. Calling him a coon, like old style shit. Amazing. And Monroe's like, he didn't have a dad, so he's his own dad. So he's like, hey, let's meet up.

let's fucking fight if you want to fight they're like oh i didn't mean it like that right yeah monroe didn't take it at all i remember i was right after ari did that we were leaving the stand i was like oh i'll go to the cell with you i was like taxi i'm not i'm not taking this walk with ari it was right when i moved back to new york and i remember walking around with ari and like because we lived in the same neighborhood we lit like two blocks from each other

So I hung out with Ari a lot right after that happened. And I remember every time somebody would come up to me like, are you Ari Shaffir? I'd be like, oh, shit. And then they always were like, I love your stuff. And it's like, what?

Yeah, in person it's always, I love your stuff or bird is fat. It's never anything bad. There you go. Oh, simple, Joe. I don't have any problem with that. But I mean, am I making, I don't know if I'm making sense. You can't talk to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. You talk to him because you think they're normal and then they're not normal. I was like, oh, my bad. You got me. Congrats. But you got to think like the way I'll make a joke about Amber Heard or Elon Musk or Trump or whatever.

They think they're doing that to us. This is my doctor. And I'm like, oh, shit. What's he going to tell you? Drink too much? His liver's bad. Oh, simple, Joe. Your liver's fucked. Oh, shit. But you got to remember, you had a TV show. You're on whatever, you know, YouTube. Like, you got a million views.

They think they're just talking to a celebrity or something. They think they're talking to a web designer. They don't really think they're actually talking to you until you respond like, oh, shit. But imagine all the jokes we made about Biden or Johnny Depp or whatever or Will Smith. It'd be great if Biden really responded to a couple of them. Yeah, what if Amber Heard wrote back like, hey, that's actually really hurtful. I'm like, oh. Yes. I mean.

And they think that about us. They don't think we're going to write back. But we're fucking comedian retard drunks. Would any of you roll the dice and sleep with Amber Heard? Yes. Of course. She's clearly a good pussy. Clearly got great fucking sex game. I think we're all in agreement here. Yeah. I mean, do it for the story. It's not even a roll of the dice. It will be the top five sex games ever. Cut to four years later. Oh, Sambalari.

You fucked Amber Heard and she ruined your life. Hoping she does OnlyFans to pay the legal bills. Really? That would be fun. Imagine afterwards we're like, what did you think was going to happen? She wasn't going to go off to the young court? Like, I don't know.

She blew me so well. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, she's a good looking lady. She's not that hot. Really? She's hot. She's attractive, yeah. She's not like, oh my God. Which was the worst decision, that or Mordecai for Johnny Depp? What do you think? What? I think maybe Secret Window. Yeah, she's like good looking. That was a Polanski film. Really? Johnny Depp annoys me. Honestly, he was slumming when he was with her. Come on. Yep.

She's fine. She's got a track record. She's got quite a list of dudes. Who else? Mark.

Elon Musk. No way. She fucked Musk? Oh, yeah. For a while. I think DiCaprio. I'm looking at James Franco here. Oh, Franco. That's who I'm talking about. Wow. He got in trouble, too. No one understands what actresses are. They're just fucking everybody. Sure. Elon Musk said after something that toxic, he had to buy Twitter. He had to stop people talking shit about him. Right, right. Oh, there they are. Look at that. Wow. Wow. She's a small lady.

All the actresses are tiny, I feel like. Well, Uma Thurman's, I think, 6'1". Tom Cruise is like Rogan height. Oh, yeah. I guess Nicole Kidman, also tall. Tall. Tall cup of juice. Australians. Should we do the rest of the news stories now or no? What's the news stories? Oh, yeah. The ones you sent me were funny. Yeah. Why don't we do a bit? Oh, here's a good one.

Brazil police find over $3 million worth of Nazi memorabilia in pedophiles' homes. This is great. While the suspect was already being arrested on child rape charges, he is now facing additional counts of racial discrimination and illegal possession of firearms. I like how this was not a story for just fucking children. Oh, he's got Nazi memorabilia? Oh, this is real.

Also, who does the appraising of Nazi memorabilia? This is three million worth. This isn't just your- It's the worst episode of Pawn Stars ever. Yeah. It's the auction house going, say it's three million. Can you imagine- Why should we suffer? Your boyfriend is a Nazi and it gets worse. Yeah. He's a pedophile. I mean, I feel bad for Kumia, but-

It's right around here. Damn. What's the deal with Nazi memorabilia? The Nazis went to South America. Argentina. Oh, wait. The boys from Brazil. Was that that? Close enough. Argentina is where they branched. Yeah. I played for the Argentinian Jewish League volleyball team. They canceled when I was in Israel. And it was like, could somebody form an Argentina team? And we did. And they chanted for us because we didn't know what we were doing. They're like, Argentina. Argentina.

Do you guys want to do bits instead? Nah. Fuck off, Salacuse. I'm just trying here. Go back to the news. This is Nazi stuff. This is good stuff. Scientists just found that several anti-5G products meant to protect people from cell networks emit dangerous radiation. Ooh.

You got to love that. You got to love someone who goes out of their way to protect themselves, something that we all do, eats it in the end. Yes. The items, which include necklaces and sleep masks, emit low levels of ion radiation. They can be dangerous if worn consistently and permanently damage the tissue and the DNA. How about that? It's like an airbag that kills you. It's not supposed to happen. Right. It's like it'll stop you from a crash, but it's got asbestos in it.

Do you guys rock sleep masks ever? Planes once in a while. I love them. They do the job. Blocks out the light. It's great. And they feel like you're being hugged like an autistic person. I love it. There's something in it. Yeah. My dog, I used to have a Chihuahua and it was the most annoying dog. And you put a little thing on its chest. It was called a thunder jacket. Thunder jacket. You know about it? Yeah. And they were just kind of. Yeah, Bannock gets one. They love it. It's a hug. It's a nonstop hug. It's a hug. Instead of barking, they were going, duh.

Yeah, exactly. 37 jelly beans. I think that might be it for the news. No, there was another one. Mugshot? No. You sent me some. I had two. Oh, we went to a few before you got here, Ari. Oh, the Rikers. Oh, there's a whole new set of news stories that Matt sent us. Should the Rikers admit you? Yeah, well, what do you got on that? I mean, I love cheating to get ahead. I love cheating to get ahead.

Listen, Chael Sonnen won a fight against somebody and he held onto the cage as the guy was trying to lift him up. And the guy was like, well, you should have been deducted a point. And he said, if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. Damn. And this guy is getting his rapes in. Damn.

He's getting it in no matter what. And he goes, I don't know. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. Whatever it takes. And the swimmer, good luck to you too. Leah Thomas. Sure. You're winning fucking medals. You're not going to do that as a fucking dude. I don't know if we need to compare Leah Thomas to this guy. They're both the top of the game. At Penn State, it's right there. Your second best. This woman, whatever. No one's going to care I said guy for that one. It's a rapist. Yeah.

Matt, did you send him the other news stories? Yeah, Salke's. You should have gotten some other news stories. Did you send a new one, Matt? There it is. Thanks, Peters. Let's see what we got. Florida Bride and her caterer? Yep.

allegedly served cannabis-laced food to unknown guests. Several of the unwitting guests became so stoned they had to be hospitalized. Listen. Listen. I'm not against dosing. Because that's usually the only way to get some people there.

You got to go against their will. It's fine. It's just weed. Or it's just Molly. People are hospitalized. No. The mistake they made. I made a mistake with Bert. People eat a lot at weddings, Ari. I made a mistake with Bert. I didn't get his wife to.

And I made this guy. Once they started calling the cops at that point, it goes, guys, guys, you're on weed. He should have just told them you're on weed. We've all done it. Mark and I are not potheads. So we've taken it. We've been like, what the fuck? Oh, dude, it feels like it's never going to end. The edible is a different ballgame. It's a six hour to 12 hour trip. I wouldn't need to be hospitalized, but I'd have to go home and rethink some things. Yeah.

Kim Congdon got me at Skank Fest. I saw that on acid. Yeah. And I mean, it's not like I haven't done acid where I'm on a fucking dork. But like I was fucked up on acid and I opened up my hotel room. They put me in and it was a fucking view of downtown Houston. And I opened up the windows, floor to ceiling. I got all my bedspreads, brought it over to the window. Wow. I just chilled for like five hours just staring at the city. Damn. It was great. But I couldn't hang out with everybody. Negative. Positive. Negative.

It was a fucking great vibe. You made the most of it. Thank you. There you go.

See, you've been dosed and you've dosed. That's true. What's good for the goose is good for the anal. All right. All right. A man allegedly threatened to bomb the Merriam-Webster offices over the dictionary definitions of girl and woman. You know what's good about this story? It could either be a conservative or a liberal. It could go either way. You're right. You're right. That's true. Where you're like, is this a dude who is like, a woman is born a woman? Or it could be a guy who's like, how dare you? Say it's a woman born a woman. How dare you try to define what a woman is?

It really is. It signifies who we are now. It's not just like I'm against it, but like I'll threaten to bomb you over. I don't agree with you over words. Well, which one is it? Can we figure that out? What is it? Uh,

Is it a blue-haired lady or is it a guy in a golf shirt? It says the bottom. This new Batman movie is going to have a really shitty villain if Joker is like, you guys need to – why did I bomb the hospital? Because you guys aren't up to date on gender identity. Okay? Cis cucks. Right, right. Here's what I said. Women with a deficit of female include of relating to or being the sex that typically has a capacity to bear young or produce eggs.

And having gender identity that is the opposite of male. Again, could go either way at this point. No, no. It could be right or... Which one is it? I think it's a psycho lefty here. Could be the other way. It's California. It could be either. It's got to be. Yeah, it's a good point. Couldn't it be like, no, it's not typically having a gender identity that is the opposite of male. It's a chick. I'm guessing psycho lefty, but I didn't read this article. I don't know. I'm guessing psycho lefty.

I mean, always one photo and we'd figure it out. Yeah. Hey, Peters, do we know? All right. It's going to be a lady who looks like Matt Peters. That's my guess. Yeah. Which you don't want to see. Oh, Simple Joe. Good to have you back, man. Oh, we're going to call this episode Simple Joe Bourbons. There you go. We got to do a Patreon stuff. Oh, that's right. What? Three in a day? Episode?

It's a full-time anal. Oh, my God. God damn it, dude. You got a photo, Sally? Oh, yeah. No, let's just do this last story. It's too good. Oh, this is so good. I read this earlier. Take it, JoJo. Match the crime to the midget. Oh, mugshot. Black DJ accused of wearing blackface as Arizona PTA event by woke education leader says he was horrified to learn of their complaints and initially thought it was a joke.

So he did like a 70s throwback DJ thing and he wore a wig and they accused him of putting on blackface. Turns out he's a black guy. How can you be blackface if you're not even talking about the face?

We gotta make sure Joe is a mic too. Oh, Joe needs a mic. Here, switch back. Why? That's the point. They thought he was being racist and like a white guy dressed up. So they thought his actual skin color because of the wig was makeup. Interesting. So if you're black, you can do blackface. Do you see, this is how headlines read by the way now, like rambling children.

DJ accused a blackface wearing blackface by a woke person at an event because they got confused by it. It's like what the fuck happened to like succinct. Yeah, it's like hey, turns out a bunch of losers were wrong. Yeah, that's the story. Hey, losers wrong again. After the woman was corrected and saying no, this is a black guy. Let me guess what she didn't do. Go, oh shit, I'm an idiot. No, she said still. It's wrong. Still. What? Let me guess, white woman?

Dude, all my Amazing Races stuff, when I told people, like, this is fucking wrong, what happens to Mexicans or whatever, it's like they have to go out of their way to work. And I'm like, oh, those are actually all paid actors. We gave them 50 bucks each. We're actually giving money to the Latino community. It's a setup. And they go, still. Wait, still? You thought I was delivering Mexicans to INS, and instead you think I'm doing a sketch and you're equally angry? Yeah.

Not even like, well, a little less, I guess. You know who's jealous black people get to do blackface? It's Justin Trudeau. Yeah. You saw this. That looks pretty good. Blackface with no repercussions. That's her. And that's the blackface guy. And that's the complaint. And she said, can we see her quote? Like her reaction quote? Yeah, I'll look for it. Sorry.

It's crazy that they won't let go. White people are getting mad at black people for blackface now. It's bad. The arrogance of the liberal white is incredible. The arrogance to go still. Instead of go, shit, I was ready walking up the wrong tree on this one. Damn.

I accused a black guy of putting on black makeup. Turns out I thought black skin was the same as black makeup. I'm an idiot. No, that can't be. It's just, it's unreal. It's un-fucking-real. That's bad. We've gone to a backwards land. We should wrap up because we've got to do a Patreon. Yeah, yeah. Wait, is wrap up like... We should end this. Oh, I thought you meant we all do a wrap.

We all do. Yeah, we're all making raps. Look at this. Let me be clear. A black man apparently in blackface is an entirely different discussion than a white person. However, I did not state that the person was white. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. It was assumed that my intent, and perhaps it was, but nonetheless, looking on his Facebook page...

It seems at the very least he is in darker makeup. If not, he's not in any darker makeup. You say he put on darker makeup. No, lady, that's his skin. It's not your place to say it, you stupid liberal white twit. God damn it. We got too much time on our hands. We gotta send this lady to a boot camp or a sweatshop. She looks like a fucking...

comedian who goes after fucking white dudes all the time. Easy there, big fella. I'm not going to get into who it is. Plug some stuff. Taste Buds. Skeptic Tank. This comes out in a year and a half. Taste Buds on YouTube. And then, of course, our taping May 19th and 22nd in Houston, Texas at the Come and Take It Festival being held at the Secret Group in Houston, Texas.

uh, one show Thursday, one show Sunday. And then in between those shows on Friday and Saturday, the, the 20th and 21st, I'll be at, uh, the Creek and cave in Austin, Texas. Uh,

All right, and Taste Buds is great. Mine is Joe. Thank you. One of the worst guests of Taste Buds. I love the show. I can't stand Simple Joe on that show. I know, I know. So simple. I love you guys. Every clip is gold. It's a great show. Skeptic Tank, Ari Shaffir, love it. You're sweet. That guy got a lot of air time, that troll of yours. You gave him a lot of air time. That's what they want.

I know. I got to get a new website. Look how much better yours looks. I just redid mine. What are you kidding? This looks like a 1998. This is Squarespace? Yeah. Mine's Squarespace. What am I doing wrong? You have lack of education. You're fighting with trolls. That's the difference. Look at mine. Those are the old days. Angel Fire? What the fuck is that? HTML over there. Angel Fire. I got to redo my Squarespace site. What the hell is this?

Wait, Ari's got a slow-down show. Ari will be in Jacksonville on May 12th through the 14th. You're not on mic. I got one right here. Oh, okay. May 20th through the 21st in Kansas City and Austin in May 24th through the 29th at the Creek in the Caves. My special take is to live the 12th. It'll be out in the summer. Hell yeah. YouTube? We'll see. I just shoot them first and then we figure out that. I don't want to get distracted while I'm filming. Well, Netflix is through the floor, so we'll see what happens. Maybe I could buy them. Yeah.

All right, all right. I'll be at... Wow, that's a beauty. That's a fucking gorge website.

You gotta make that bigger. Looks as good as your cock. Yeah. What are you doing in Denver for one night only? You're not doing the fucking. I'm at the Paramount one night only. The Irvine Improv. Keep going. Keep going. Addison Improv in Dallas. Bricktown in OKC. One of the best clubs. One of the best new clubs. Great new room. Love it. Love it. Laughing up in Poughkeepsie one night only. Keep going. Keep going. In Bricktown.

Santa Blanca, Phoenix, June 1st. You were just there. I was just there. Chicago at the Vic, Cleveland, Agora. The Pentagers in Minnesota the night before me, June 16th. Yes, Minneapolis, come on out. Chicago, the Vic the night before me, June 17th. Irvine, you got to go faster. Come on, there we go. Red Bank, New Jersey, Houston Improv.

All right. Laugh out loud in San Antonio. Sammy the Bull. What do you got? Providence. I got Chicago taping a special at the Den. Six shows. We're taping all of them. Beautiful. Beacon is sold out. When is the Beacon? Beacon. We passed that shit, dude. That was... Congratulations. You already did it? No, but we're back live. We're moving studios. This is a beautiful website, too. Toronto. Thank you. I didn't do it. I had nothing to do with it. Toronto. Toronto.

Fucking Houston, West Palm, San Jose, all that shit. Y'all see around. Dania Beach. Love you guys. Yeah, fun room. Samorelle.com. Great frames. WeMightBeDrunkPod.com for merch. Thanks for popping in. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Two special guests today. Yes. And we had Salamanca. Hell yeah. Amazing. Looking good. Thanks, boys. Google bitch. We love you. Suck dicks. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit about me.

This woman doesn't remember her true.