Ep 66: Luck of The Irish
01:16:24 Share

Woo!

Hey, folks, here we are. Happy St. Paddy's Day. Top of the morning to you. Luck of the Irish. I love it. Kiss me. I'm Irish. Are we just doing costumes now? A bunch? Where does it end, Matt? Mother's Day? What are we doing? I'll dress as a mom. I don't care. I can be Octomom.

We'll have eight kids. How you been, man? Good, good. I'm excited for a drink. I love St. Paddy's. It's the last racist holiday. You can go all in. I guess the gay pride parade is pretty offensive.

Not to them. Not to them. Not to them. But it's every stereo. I like the stereotypes all in one place, all in one day. I'll tell you, that gay pride parade, you ain't getting to the comedy cellar that night. No. They're blocking that whole way. It's a huge cock block. You cannot get past that parade. But I go every year. I live like a block away, and it's a fucking ball. Balls.

But yeah, good times. It's a lot. But St. Paddy's, Fitzsimmons has a great fun fact. He said, if you look at St. Paddy's Day, nine months later, all these kids are born.

Because everybody fucks. All these Mick's and O'Reilly's and whatnot, they all bang on St. John's Day. Damn, Jon Stewart had a great bit back in the day about St. Patrick's Day, the parade. He would say, you know, they won't let the gays march in the parade. And he goes, yeah, because you don't want anything to mess with the dignity of that parade. He goes, when you're peeing behind a dumpster, you don't want some gay guy checking you out. That's a great bit. Great bit.

Well, in honor of the Emerald Isle, the Blarney Stone, we got our old pal Jamie here doing some cocktails. Well, what do you got for us today, Jamie? That looks horrible. I'm going to put it out there. That doesn't look good. It was requested to do boozy shamrock shake. By who? Who requested this? I think Peter's. I think Peter's.

Are you Irish? He just wants the cookies. That's why he did this shit. I was concerned, but you know, like I came on here last time doing the coquito. So like, I'm just the person who does the sweet. Oh, not the whipped cream. I just came from a pizza judging contest. I'm going to be shitting my pants. Yeah, you might.

You live like people think Americans live. They go eat pizza all day at a contest, and then they drink shakes for dinner. Do your best, guys, you know? This is a lot. For a Jew, you deal with a lot of dairy. Well, yeah, but you know what? That's the thing. I made it, so it's not the Mickey D's kind, so I was able to get...

Like oat milk involved in white vanilla ice cream. You know what? I'll say this. My order for coffee, I go usually a little oat milk on the side. Whole milk is my second favorite. I think oat milk tastes the best. It's the best. You got me on oat milk. I love it. It's good. We got a little carried away with almond. Almond kind of sucks. Almond's not great. Coconut's not good. It's a healthy option, but it's not the best tasting. Is it even healthy? I don't know.

Who knows? Milk is the ultimate tease. For years, people were like, are you drinking all your milk? Strong bones? Bill does a body good. What the hell happened? That was all disproven, by the way. It's full of fat and bullshit and cholesterol and all this stuff. And it doesn't help you. I was watching a Mad Men where Roger Sterling has a heart attack and he's like a giant thing of milk.

Because they're like, this is good for you. Okay, kids. Oh, look at that. Oh, geez, the pants. Look at this. Oh, my God. Nice. A lot of green. Woo, this looks delightful. The cherry, and you put like little sprinkles on there, too. Oh, yeah. This is the vibe. This is the shamrock shake with vanilla vodka. That's what's in there. Oh.

And a tiny bit of creme de menthe because that's what it calls for. But I didn't overdo it because I know you guys don't really care for the mint. I don't like mint that much. I know. Mint is so... Mint chocolate chip? Get the fuck out of here. Too much. And it's strong to do creme de menthe. Like a little bit goes a long way.

That packs a punch. That's a lot. That's good, though. This is a weird one for St. Paddy's. I thought we would just do Irish whiskey because you would never drink this shit at St. Paddy's. This shit kicked out of you if you ordered this. You're not wearing that either. It's a special day.

But yeah, no, you're right. Nobody would order this. But no, wait, what's in this again? Sorry. This is good. So we have the vanilla ice cream, and I found the 300-calorie Max Vanilla Ice Cream. Oh, yeah. I did vanilla oat milk. Oh, we're going to lose a toe. Vanilla vodka. Uh-huh. A little bit of that creme de menthe. And green food coloring. That is one. It's the healthiest thing in here. Yeah, exactly. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I wish you were my mom. Mmm.

Yeah, apparently these have been around since like 1970. Oh, okay. Did it start as an alcoholic drink or is it? No, it was, you know, the Mickey D's drink. It started there. Oh, is that right? Yeah. So it's just. Oh, Mickey D, McDonald's, Irish. Never put that together. Yeah, Ronald McDonald, red hair. There you go, ginger. It was just a green vanilla shake, really.

They just needed to be festive for the holiday. Yeah. So it was just a seasonal treat, like the McRib. Yeah, exactly. There's a little bit of that in there, too. Yeah. All right. You know, in Chicago, they dye that river that runs through Chicago or whatever, they dye that green. They have their own St. Patrick's Day. That's how big of alcoholics they are in Chicago. Yes. And what's that awful shit they drank that shot-

Oh, I know you're talking about Toray. Matt, I'm sure you can find it. No, it's like, it's god awful, but I take a shot every time in Chicago. Yeah, it tastes like...

My Lord. My Lord. That's it. It's so bad. It's like cough drops. You make a face after it. Like you just found out you were adopted. It's that. That's the taste. It's like terrible. Yeah. It's rough. It's horrible. Multiple times. I'll forget I've had it. So I'll be in Chicago. They're like, you gotta try my Lord. Someone will send it to me on stage. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I take it. I'm just like, kill me. Right. And the reaction gets a laugh. And then, of course, years later, you do it again. You're like, oh, I've done this. Yeah, exactly. Uh,

Oh, yeah. Look at that. There it is. The Chicago Green. I love it. A lot of Irish over there. It's all shamrock shake. Yeah. Yeah. That's why the people there look like they do. No, the Chicago people, man, are some of the, I would say, like, great crowds. Top five comedy audience in the country. Easily. Easily. And what a great city.

Oh, one of the best. Segregated quite a bit by a great town. There's some issues there for sure. Hearing a white guy say that, I already hate myself a little bit. Chicago's lovely. Yeah. Go to the south side. Yeah, great time. I can't put it down. I know. It's going to be a problem. Yeah. This is a wood-killed Patrice. Ah!

Well, he was at O'Neil. I actually saw him at the Irish show. I saw him there, too, at Comics. I think we were together. That was, what, like 11 years ago? Maybe more. Maybe more, yeah. Sean Donnelly hosted. That's right. That was a great show. Yeah, Patrice, RIP. One of the best in the biz.

I can't stop. You do the thing that roasters do, you know? Like, remember, like, whenever you roast someone, you're like, anyway, this guy looks like a fucking pig. But, uh...

But he's like, honestly, you're one of the best guys I know. I love the sincere part of the roast, the tone shift. Also, I hope your kids get aged. But anyway. Salt of the earth. Geraldo used to do it, and it was really half-assed. He'd be like, you suck, you're a hack, I never liked you, why are you famous? But yeah, you're doing a great work. You're doing a great job on that. He was so half-assed. He would just roll through that last part. The best.

Yeah, but that is damn good. You made a hell of a shot. I couldn't make that in 20 years. You gave me an hour and a half. I couldn't make that. I did right before I came down. Did you want a side of whiskey with that? I mean, I might need it. I can't believe I'm- I know, it's a lot. Usually you get like a Coke back or something to cut the taste. I might need whiskey just to cut the sweet. Cut the sweet. What kind? You like this one right here? I'll fuck with some Elijah Craig, Mark. You want to do a little Elijah? We got a seat for Elijah. Cut.

Hell yeah. Is that a Jewish thing? It is. What is that? Passover. Passover. Good job. Mark, well done. Who is Elijah? Eh. All right. He was in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Ah, okay. Anyway. He's a guy who you hope shows up. Okay. I call him Dad. Anyway. Anyway.

But anyway, man. The vodka cuts this pretty good. I was in Sacramento all weekend. Oh, fun. Great club. Shout out to Omar, Amber. Great, Molly, great room. Great room, great staff, great crowds. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bitch of a flight, but. I connected in, I get this, I connect in Seattle. I get. Why? Oh, gracias. Gracias, because there weren't many options. So you go up and then over.

Yeah, but I got upgraded Delta One on that shit. So I'm lifelike. Guess who's sitting next to me? Chris O'Connor, the comic. The comic. Yeah. The Shane Gillis friend? Wait, who am I thinking of? Yes, that's him. Yes, yes, sorry, sorry. We're calling him the Shane Gillis friend. They live together. Same building. Same building. Sorry. I've done his podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great guy, funny guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, we had a great time coming back. It's like, what a surprise. You're next to a comic, and then...

We're chatting for the first part. Then I was like, we should do a movie. And we're both talking. He knows a ton about movies. So we're talking movies. Oh, wow. And then I was like, I want to see something I haven't seen. He goes, me too. So we're like scrolling through. We've seen a lot of this stuff on Delta. He goes, oh, the last duel was good. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll do the last duel. And then he's scrolling. I'm like, you ever see Sexy Beast? He goes, no. So he's watching his. I'm watching mine. Then we have like a little talk. It was like perfect little flight. That's like a sleepover almost. It was like a sleepover. He was in one?

He was a Delta One? Wow, good for you, Chris. You got to up your game, Mark. I guess so. You got to up your only flying with Delta status. I know, I know. You got the reserve card. Stick with him. I got it, I got it. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I bought my last Delta flight with the reserve card, so I'm getting the points and everything. Good.

But yeah, wow. What'd you think of The Last Duel? It was good. It was good. It's heavy. It's like Rashomon. Right. You know what's cool about that movie? And spoilers here. I mean, first off, so you're seeing it from other people's perspective. Yeah. And it's like, so you have to see a fucking rape twice. Yeah. So you're like, this is brutal. And it's also like this, I can watch this on a flight. I know, that's true. The woman was incredible. She stole the show. What's her name again? Jodie Comer. Is that what it was? What was her name? Last Duel, Matt.

She's amazing. It's kind of a feminist movie. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And it's still- I got it. Jodie Comer. Jodie Comer. And it still is relevant today. Yeah, dude. And there's some badass action in it. That last scene was, you're like, that's fucking Gladiator Ridley Scott. I know. Pulling out some stops. Yeah. And Matt Damon's got the Theo Vaughn hair for some reason in it.

Pull up a picture. Tell me he doesn't look a little bit like Matt Damon in The Last Duel. Well, it kind of looks like Theo, right? Yeah, yeah.

It is a good movie. Wow, he does. Holy shit. Yeah. Oh, man. I think that guy's in Rascal Flatts. But yeah, great movie. But Sexy Beast is a hell of a movie. Very stylized. Great fucking movie. Killer acting. Tense. I love that movie. I loved it. So tense. Yeah, man. That movie, there's a lot of crazy stuff in The Last Duel. I mean, some of that shit, I mean...

So it built well. Yeah, it was a good flick. Very good. People shit on Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, but they're fucking awesome, man. No, no. They make good shit. They do. They do. They know what they're doing. I mean, Ben Affleck made that trash...

movie where he's the bartender. Oh, did Clooney recommend it? I got eight minutes in. It's brutal. Bummer. It's a bummer. By the way, our pal is hosting the Oscars. Schumer. Schumer. Amazing. I've been writing jokes for all weekend. Really? Yeah. That's fucking exciting. Who knows if I'll get one on, but I'm throwing them at her. Yeah, Amy, Wanda, and Regina King. Who is it? That sounds right. Maybe Regina Hall. King. Hall. Yeah. King. King.

No, Hall. Hall! I had it. Damn. Should have stuck with my guns. Yeah, that'll be fun, but I got 18 jokes about being a Karen. I got all kinds of fun stuff. Every joke, I'm sure, is too harsh for the Oscars.

But me and Salicus, we were watching some old Oscars just to get some reference. Wild jokes. Like which ones did you watch? We watched some one like 92, Billy Crystal hosted. Crazy jokes. I'm trying to think of some, but it's like, holy shit. I can't believe they said that then. Yeah, wow. It was a different time. Different time. No one watches anymore, too. It's kind of like people are over that shit. I know. Because you know what the problem is? Yeah.

it got too preachy. It did. And it's like, we always knew actors took themselves seriously, but like no one's watching for an actor's opinion. No, that's the time. Like, look, I admit it's hilarious that Marlon Brando trolled the Oscars by having a native American woman read like that's hilarious. But when it becomes every actor being like,

Thank you. I got this award. But like, listen, there's a lot of people hurting out there. Yeah. But just fucking you. You read lines. I know. I know. Exactly. It's brutal. It all turned into a big activist thing. Except when Polanski won. That was shocking. What? When Polanski won. 2003 or something. Yeah. And they all booed him.

I mean, why not? You nominated them. I know, exactly. I don't get it. But yeah, you're right. It became like a pat yourself on the back festival instead of movies. Yeah. You know, it should be about the great movie. What's the best movie of the year? And now it's like, hey, are you being nice? There should be a separate category, best woke movie of the year. And then there should be just like best movie. Genius. Great call. And then there should be best comedy.

And there should be a best comedic actor. You guys don't respect. I've said it before. Eddie Murphy for fucking Nutty Professor. Like, that's harder than what a lot of dramatic actors are doing. I agree. I agree. Yeah. There's a reason why a lot of comedic actors go serious. But no serious actor really goes comedy, do they? Yeah, Ryan Gosling's great in comedies. But he can't do a Dumb and Dumber, can he? Jeff Daniels.

Ah, good point. He's a serious actor. Yeah, all right. Good point. It can be done. It can be done. I guess De Niro did it too. Fucking hilarious. Meet the Parents, Midnight Run. Yeah. All right, I take it back. But he's kind of doing him in Midnight Run. Right. I mean, like Mark Wahlberg in a comedy is still Mark Wahlberg, right? True. Yeah. Well, Mark Wahlberg is so silly. Ted is great. Ted's great. Remember we watched it in Vancouver? Love Ted. Love Ted too. I didn't even see the second one. Oh, good. The first one was fun. All right, I'll watch it. Ted too is darker even. They go harder. Yeah.

Man, these kind of actually work nice together. Yeah, it's not a bad little pairing. Yeah, this is the best pairing since Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. I'll tell you. Hooray. Yeah, I had a little as well. All right. Yeah, you're having some whiskey too? The flavors are going together. Oh, you're mixing it up? Well, yeah, I had a little bit of both. I like these hats. Yeah, the hats work. I feel like Laurel and Hardy here. This is great.

Isn't it weird that people wore these in public at some time in history? Yeah, speaking of Delta One, so I had an awkward moment. Me and the lady went down to the Virgin Islands. Ay-yi-yi-ya! Great time. The only problem is I was telling Jamie they roll their sidewalks up at like 9, so we'd be hammered at 8.30, like the whole city's shutting down. Damn. So you just got to go back to your hotel room and sloppily go down on each other. It wasn't pretty. But...

Great time. Beautiful views. It's a direct flight from Newark. You're in paradise in three hours. Can you get more opposite of Newark? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And right when you get off the plane, they're like, island time. You got the ladies in the full yellow dresses shaking the maracas. You're like, oh, shit, I made it. And I flew there from Omaha, by the way. Brutal. But my point is...

On the flight back, I got upgraded and she didn't. And what do you do? Well, I took the upgrade. What am I going to do? You guys have been together long enough that that's not a thing. But if this was a new couple, you would have had to be like, no, I want to be with you. That's a good point. That's a good point. Here's my, what's the word? Yeah. When you make...

Compromise. Here's my compromise. Not a good sign that it took him that long to figure that one out. Here's my compromise. So I was in the fourth row, which is the last row, and then it hits to Delta Comfort or whatever. She's in Comfort right behind me. There's a curtain, you know, got to keep the plebeians out, the scum, the peasants. And I would eat half the food and go...

I hand it back. So I was helping the poor. You see, I was charity. So that kind of helped it. That helps. Yeah. I'd break off half the cookie and give her half. That's something. That's something. I said, you want to come up, sit up here for a minute and I'll give you some wings. Wow. She didn't want to come up. Yeah. It was,

Was the trip good? Great trip. Great, beautiful place. The beaches. It's a little more lawless there. You know, we're so, we got regulations up the ass in New York, you know. You can drink outside. There's people playing music. The beaches are insane. It's great. Sounds great, man. The food. We got a catamaran. We went out into the ocean. Ha ha.

That's fuck. A lot of boozing during the day too? A lot of boozing, a lot of boozing. You sent some beach pics. It looked nice. Yeah, yeah. I was hammered at all those pics. But you're just sitting there on the beach getting drunk and so people kept texting me like, why are you responding so quick? You're on vacation. I was like, I'm just sitting here on the beach. Yeah, I know. I think I was one of those people. I was like, dude, enjoy yourself. I know. You respond to all my texts like that. I would tag you in something on Instagram. You'd like it immediately. I'd be like, Mark, come on. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I forgot a book too that was a bitch that's a big one a book on the beach is pretty nice huge hard to beat that hard to beat a book on because the sun is hard with the phone you can't get the glare off and everything but the books are so heavy I get a kindle kindles are worth it you have one yeah I got paper white paper white yeah that's what they're called yeah yeah it's good you got a kindle I don't maybe I'll get a kindle it's worth it no I have a refurbished one it's just I forgot I

I got a good rec actually. Okay. The book Mindhunter by John Douglas, who was an FBI profiler. There was a show Mindhunter. I saw it. It was a good show. Great show. So you know a lot of it then. Yeah. But it's pretty cool. Some of the shit in the book is like crazy, dude. I mean, he was one of the first like legit profilers. Yeah. And I mean, there was one story about he just knew a guy had a lisp. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He was like, I know this guy's a lisp. And they're like, how do you know? He's like, I know he's insecure about something, and I think it's a lisp. And he was right. He's like, I can't be certain, but I have a feeling. He just trusted his gut. There's another one where a woman went to the bathroom, and her son got, she was in the bathroom for a long time in a public restroom, and the son got kidnapped. And they were questioning her, and he was like, I got a feeling that she didn't,

that he's not kidnapped. I have a bad feeling. And at first she said my son was kidnapped and he's like, they never say that. They always say my son's missing. They don't want to admit to themselves that the son was actually kidnapped. Then there was another thing where he's like, why would she use a public restroom for that long knowing she had a son out there? It's insane. Then another thing, like his midden came in the mail. He's like, that's not what people usually do when they abduct. It was like too many things. Right.

And he caught her. Yeah, and then she killed the kid. Whoa! Because she had a new guy who was like, I want to, you know. I love that. I want to go to the discotheque. I don't know, something like that. Yeah. Or he didn't want a fucking kid. It's crazy. But there's a lot of crazy stories in it. It's pretty cool. Rachel Feinstein was like, you got to read any John Douglas book. He's the fucking man. She got me on the show, actually. That was who wrecked it to me.

Mindhunter was the best Netflix show. Killer. And they just killed it. Did they? I mean, it didn't come back. Nah, yeah, good point. Two seasons. I don't know what happened, but. And they brought that sexy CEO lady in at the end. Yeah. She was pretty. And that guy Holt, whatever his name was, that big guy, the beefy guy. Yeah, yeah. That guy was awesome. He was great. He's in Nightmare Alley.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. But he's, yeah, that guy is awesome. Nightmare Alley, that's where you got to go to get an abortion in Texas. That's one of my Oscar jokes for humor that got turned down. That'll make it on. Yeah, exactly. I don't think that one's going to make it on. Although it could be like one of those, ooh, you know? Yeah, and a bunch of women saying it might be a little different. That's true.

I went for it. It's cool. Yay, man. Mix it up. Mix it up. You got to do it in their voice. They had Tina and Amy Poehler one year, right? Wasn't that the Oscars or was that the Golden Globes? I think both. Gervais did such a good job with it. It's hard to top Gervais. Hard to top Gervais. And they should have hired him just to get the buzz.

If they would have hired Chappelle or Gervais, everybody would be so angry they would watch because the numbers are through the floor. It could be a fun. It's kind of like how. Like hate watching, you mean? Yeah, like Mr. Potato Head's like, we'll say we're genderless. Yeah, M&M's. The Oscars brought to you by Mr. Potato Head and M&M's. Those are the sponsors. That would be you. They could host. Let Mr. Potato Head host it. Caitlyn Jenner presents Dave Chappelle hosting the Oscars. That's the show. Yeah.

There's an ex-Oscar presented by Trump. What the fuck? Dude, I watched Power of the Dog. It's fucking awesome. Killer. Loved it. That's a great movie. Great Western. You know my theory about Westerns? What? Well, I just think they're so popular. What is it? Yellowstone, Old Henry, Power of the Dog. There's another one that just came out that's blowing up.

We're so tuned into these phones that you watch Western. It's on the open range. It's no electricity. It's horses. It's enemies. It's territory. Primal. Something badass about riding a horse. Oh, you ever done it? You've never got on a horse? A horse? No. Woo!

I'll go fucking Christopher Reeve on that thing. Are you kidding me? I'm not lasting. I had a riff about how Putin rides a horse shirtless and how it's like a badass thing. One of my riffs was like, can you even picture Biden in a shirt on a horse right now? It wouldn't be powerful. You'd be like, dude, get him off. He's going to get hurt. That's true. I can't picture Biden on a tricycle. You know? But-

Maybe we'll get you on a pony. We'll start you low with a pony in Central Park. I'll hold the reins, and then we'll get up to a real horse. But it's scary. I always used to say drinking and driving is crazy, but imagine drinking and driving a horse. How horrible would that be? And all these cowboys would be shit-faced all day. Yeah, well, the car is never just going to turn against you. Exactly. The horse has a personality. You've got to break a horse. Right. Right.

You gotta break it. That's like a whole thing. You gotta break its spirit, right? Yeah, a little bit. That's kind of a bummer. It's kind of fucked up. Although, as far as animals go, it's one of the better treated animals, right? That's true. It's better to be a broken spirited horse than just a fucking dead cow. Dead cow, yeah. If I was a cow, I'd just start walking to India. Get me to the sacred land. But you're right. Then they get a sugar cube every now and then. Every now and then they fuck a farmer. I've seen the documentary. Or they get fucked. Or they get fucked.

But I feel like a human dick is so small that it doesn't hurt him. Yeah, you're fucking the horse and the horse is like, this is doing nothing for me. Are you in yet? We've all heard that one. You're like, oh, you fucking size queen. Fuck you, Seabiscuit.

I just saw that on like an old Jerry Springer thing, like a documentary on Hulu. It showed like, I married a horse. Yeah. I brought a horse on Jerry Springer and like kissed it and talked about fucking it and everything. It's just a normal day in the 90s. That guy was a working actor. He had his head shot. He's like, this will propel me. I'll be the horse guy. Woo.

Yeah. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. I rode a horse when I was in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, so I had to ride horses. But my first time getting on a horse, I hopped up. The horses are so tall that when you're a kid, you hop up. And I had too much momentum, and I rolled right off the other side. Cracked my neck. It was brutal. What? They're so tall. You forget. Yeah. And then you don't know how to gallop it, and you're supposed to use your legs to hold your body up. And I didn't know that, so I was just sitting on it, and it just...

My balls are smashing on the saddle up and down, up and down, and I eventually just fell off. Damn. It's wild. Damn. Your footage of that?

I wish. Have you ever seen dressage? No, never heard of it. That's what Mitt Romney would do with the horses. It's like horse ballet. Oh, really? I think I have seen this. Yeah, yeah. And they kind of dip down and pop back up. For those of you who think riding a horse is too manly, give this a whirl. Those equestrian ladies are pretty hot, though, with the brown pants.

I have a friend that bought a horse. Oh, yeah? Instead of a car, yeah. What? That's a terrible, because that's how they advertise cars. They're like, this has horsepower. Exactly. But a lot of horsepower. Yeah. Yeah, what do we got? We got an ad here. You got to hate the YouTube ads. There we go. Skip ad. Is this the dressage? How do you know about this? Because it was like a big thing that Mitt Romney did. Oh, binders of women. Oh, look at that little sidestep.

There you go, sister. That'd be great if this turned into like you got served and the horse just was like, you know. Yeah, I need a moonwalk or something. It is a pretty horse. I mean, these are beautiful animals. It's majestic. And I like that it looks like it's been in there for a while. It's got like the shin guards. Yeah. Looks like Patrick Ewing. I think they sleep standing up because their muscles are so strong that they don't even feel it just standing there. Yeah. That's what I've heard.

You ever seen a horse on its side? I don't know. Yeah, I have no idea. You have? Okay. Maybe I'm wrong. Sleep standing up. Oh, but they do sleep lying down. Oh, shit. Never mind. They have the ability to sleep standing up. Okay.

Well, one time my brother was in the Peace Corps in Africa. Oh, there you go. So we went to visit him. Oh, this is kind of sexy. Look at these little sexy positions. If you had to bang a horse, which one are we looking at here, Mark? Are you going wide? Are you going a little caramel brown? I like that caramel. Remember Hotel's joke, a horse is the best animal to have sex with because you know you always have a ride home. That's one of the classics. That's a great one.

So yeah, we went to Africa and me and my dad are walking down the beach and these African kids roll up with horses and they go, whatever. And they're like, give us some money and we'll let you ride the horse. And I was like, oh no. I was like 19. I was like, I don't know. My dad's like, let's do it. Let's do it.

No saddle, nothing. And my dad rode down the beach like a badass because he grew up on a farm kind of. And then I jumped on one and it bucked me off in like 10 seconds. And all the kids laughed at me. That's a scary one. That was scary. The wild. Wild African horses. Holy shit. Do we have any footage of that, Matt? Pull up some footage of like horse rodeo. I mean, that looks fucking brutal. Yeah, those black kids were laughing at me. It reminded me back. I was like, I'm back in public school.

That looks insane. Well, that's crazy. Rodeo. It's amazing that still exists. I mean, that's like... Heath. Heath. That is bananas. Eight seconds. I think it's still the record. Oh, geez. Hopefully it does better with the ladies. That is crazy. Look at that. Unreal. I would love to go to a rodeo. Those people exist. You forget about them. Rusty Allen. Damn.

Look at that, man. It's hilarious they're just so committed to the hat. Maybe a helmet would be a good idea, right? That's true. As a lady, does that do anything for you? It's pretty damn manly. Not the horses. The mechanical bull, I've seen some competitions in that that are impressive. Like a bar? You're more impressed by that than what they're doing? She likes bars. I feel bad for all the animals. I don't know.

Oh, that's a good point. No one's getting hurt on that one. These cows would rather be like chilling, eating grass. They get these horses fired up right before they send them out. They go, your mother's a whore. So they get all fired up. Oh, my God. Look at that. This is just bull riding here. I mean, this guy, you know, that'd be great if he could do that, but he just, he fucks for like two seconds and comes. I know, right?

Every woman's got to make fun of him. Oh, my God. Like, imagine that life. Oh, yeah. Like, you get older. That's no joke. That next morning...

Like, I'm sore from flying. I know, right? And I was in Delta One. Yeah, you're eating cookies and drinking beer. Look at that. Oh, I got kicked by a hoof. And we're like, they don't recline all the way. The horses start stomping him. Put your mouth on the curb. I'm like, my charger doesn't work.

That's so true. We're such pussies. I had that this weekend. We're such pussies. I know. I know. Oh, dude, I was in L.A. I did a Corden set doing those shows. Oh, yeah. Let's hear about Corden. It's kind of fun. It was, yeah.

Yeah, it was a good time. Oh, she won. She won one out. It was fun. Yeah, we did... It's weird doing late night now, though, with all the COVID tests you have to take, all the forms you have to fill out. You kind of don't want to bring anyone. Oh, good point, yeah. So yeah, it was a whole thing, and then...

Our buddy Ian Carmel was a head writer. He's the best guy. Good guy. Yeah. Funny guy. Oh, yeah. Super funny. He's on the show now. He does like the riffing with Corden now up top. Is Nate Fernald still there? I don't know if he's still there. He was a writer when I did it. Yeah, he's a funny guy. Very good writer. Very good jokes. Corden does a thing that's so cool that not a lot of late night hosts do where he'll come out and he'll be like...

You guys, this is not a normal situation for a comic, so you better bring it. Not every late night host does that. No, no. He's a sweet guy. But he's like, you better laugh, and they bring it for sure. Oh, that's nice. Did he chat with you in your room? Yeah, yeah. Very nice. He was, I don't know if I should say this, but he came into my room and he was like,

It's good to see some real comedy. I went to the improv the other night. It is Hack City. And he's like a little cute British guy. So he's like, it is Hack City over there, you know, with the accent. And he was like, every joke was, what the fuck? And am I right? Fuck me. Holy shit. No punchlines. I was like, this guy gets it. Yeah. But crowd was hot. That's the hottest crowd in late night. He's like, it's all hacks. Am I right? It's all bullshit. No, yeah. He's a very cool guy. He really is. Yeah.

Yeah, man. I did a couple improv sets. I did three, actually. Oh, nice. Improv's fun. I love the improv. I like the improv. Great room. Good there. Ran into Santino there. Hey. Followed Dane Cook. Whoa. This is LA, baby. This is Los Angeles. Wow. What was that like? He had a funny one. He closed it. I didn't really catch all the set, but he had a funny one about murder. I was like, yeah. All right. He was good, yeah. Did he do like an hour or something?

No, he did. Actually, I've heard that he goes long and he was like, got the light right off. Okay. He was one of those dudes that like Chappelle for a while was doing like five hour sets. Exactly. There's no point of this. No, no. Five hours. Like think about watching a great three hour movie. Yeah. Like watching The Godfather straight through. You're like, that was a lot. Yeah, of course. And this every frame.

Were thought about. Yes. Yes. And there was not a demanded reaction. Good point. Like, it's very crazy to me to do. It's crazy that people do that. I don't get it. It's a little self-indulgent. It's a little selfish to the staff. The staff wants to go home. Sure. You're doing six hours. Come on. It's a lot. It's a lot. But to each his anal. You got any recs?

I got a weird one. Hit me. All right. So I was in Sacramento as well a couple weeks ago, and something about California. I just want to have a nice craft beer, and I had an Anchor Steam. Woo!

You ever had Anchor Steam beer? Yeah, it's good. Man, I love that beer. That's in my top three beers. Something about the bottle shape. What are your other favorites? I like Sierra Nevada. I like Anchor Steam. I like Pilsner Urkel. Pilsner's good. I love it. There it is. I love that beer. I just said, I got to tell Sam about this beer. It just hit the spot.

So good. Yeah, Pilsner. I'm a Pilsner guy all day. How about Dogfish Head? I like Dogfish Head. That's a good beer. Yeah, Dogfish Head. Coney Island, Pilsner's good too.

So yeah, there's some great beers out there. Beer is not your go-to though, and it's not mine either. We're more of like liquor guys. I'm like an old man now. I have a beer, like one beer at the end of the night. I'm just like, I sip it. I cherish the beer. It's so weird. Whereas I used to drink 20 of them. Oh my God. Yeah, it's like we used to, it's like jerking off four times a day versus like becoming older and you're like, let me light a candle. Yeah, let me do a bubble bath. Let me enjoy myself.

Yeah, jizz of my own stomach. Exactly. You're a stomach jizzer, huh? Oh, no, you're hand. Stomach? I'm hairy, Mark. No, it's not. I'm hairy. Oh, good point. You're going to turn into a whole scotch tape situation. I think I'm going to jerk off of my stomach. Who does it? Who's that fucking lady? They're just laying down. People do it. DeStefano said he did it.

Yeah, you see. Yeah, but he's a hairless. He's hairless. He's one of Hitler's Aryan little boys. Oh, he's half German. That guy, Hitler would have loved a Stefano. Yeah, but that's like putting gum in a cat. You know, it's just hairy. It's a bad idea. Tangled. No, it's not good.

All right. All right. But yeah. Well, what's your rec? My rec. All right. I mean, I got a few, dude. Oh, I got one. All right. I haven't seen you in six years. Book of Mormon. Oh, come on. It's so good. I took my mom. I just seen it too. It's still going. Yeah.

It's still going. Oh, I thought it was over. No, Broadway's back. And if you're in New York, you should see a Broadway show. I will. I'd love to go see it. Dude, it's fucking hilarious. My mom was the loudest person laughing in the theater. I mean, I don't know why I'm saying it's a surprise. It's Trey Parker and Matt Stone. But I wanted to see it forever, and I just never got around to it. And yeah, it's incredible. All right. I'll go see it. It's so fucking funny. Are tickets crazy? They were pretty expensive. Because Broadway's back. I feel like it's going to hike up. There's an app I'll show you after.

I wish you showed me. Yeah, you got an app. I got an app. Yeah, no, it's so many good songs. There's one song in particular. That the people in the village sing? Yes. I mean, the premise, just to give real quick, the premise is they're Mormons and they're going on their mission and everyone wants to go to the church.

Everyone wants like a cool place to go. They're like China. Oh my God. Or Japan. Yeah. You know, France. And he's like, I want, and the main guy is Mormon. So he thinks Orlando is the nicest place. He's obsessed with Orlando. But, uh, but he, they end up getting Uganda. Uh,

So that's the whole play. That they're in Uganda trying to convert these people with horrible lives to become Mormons. Got it. And these villagers sing them this whole song. And they think it's like a Kuna Matata, the chant. And it turns out they're screaming, fuck you, God. Oh. And like, we all have AIDS. Yeah, they're all yelling, we have AIDS. Wow. Wow.

It's dark shit. I love it. I sent it to my mom with the lyrics so she could really see it. And she was like, oh my God, thank you so much. I was listening to it on the flight. And part of me was like, look, I'm not superstitious here. But I am listening to Fuck You God while on a flight. Maybe I should switch the tune. Yeah. Wow. It's phenomenal. All right. I'm in.

Yeah. You never saw it? I never saw it. Well, first of all, Broadway. When this was on Broadway originally, I was broke. It was insanely expensive, too. It was the biggest thing on Broadway since The Lion King. But now I feel like I can go. And it was Bobby Moynihan back then. Remember? No, it was Josh Gad. Josh Gad. Sorry. I get them mixed up. Chubby brunettes. But yeah.

All right. We have to call a man a brunette. Yeah, what do you say? Just say brown hair. Brown haired. He's a brunette. Yeah. I don't know. It sounds so like kind of dainty for a man. Blonde works both genders. But brunette sounds, I guess it works, but it's just, you know. No, you're right. Anything with et. Et. Brunette, dudette, chubette. Dudette. Yeah. That was a section of clothing when I was a kid, chubette. That was husky for boys and chubette for girls. Should we do some news stories? We've never done this on the pod. Oh.

He doesn't have anything ready. Should we? I mean, we don't have to. We could do other stuff too. It was Matt's idea to break out some news stories. Could do a peeve too. I could do a peeve. You want to do a peeve for us? I got eight peeves. I got a lot of peeves. I had nine today. I got so many peeves. Oh yeah. I got so many peeves my dick doesn't work, I'll tell you. All right.

We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Relationships take work. A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about. We'll go out of our way to treat other people well, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? For me, working out or buying some new sneakers is an investment in myself. This month, BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself.

We're in therapy. We go to the same guy. It's necessary. Clean out the garbage. Your head has all these horrible thoughts splicing your childhood, traumatic experiences. You're a wreck. You're a mess. You need therapy. Get out the garbage. Whether it's hitting the gym, making time for a haircut, or even trying therapy, you're your greatest asset. So invest time and effort into yourself like you do for other people. Tell them how

BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. Maybe you got a weird boil on your face or something. You're weird, you know, you don't want them to see that. You're all set. Yep. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours.

Give it a try and see why over 2 million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp, and listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash drunk. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk. You got to do this. It's therapy. Very important. Take care of yourself. It's going to change your life. Hear, hear.

Oh, yeah.

And then I discovered Fannable. Fannable has tickets to everything. There's no fees. The price you see is the price you pay. I mean, that's pretty big, honestly. Not only are those prices transparent, but they're almost always lower than anywhere else I look. And for any hot ticket like Coachella, a Laker game, or Dave Chappelle, Fannable is always the cheapest option. Nobody goes to live events anymore, so why buy tickets alone? Fannable, although if you do come to a show alone, there's nothing wrong with that, honestly. I love that.

Someone tweeted me about that the other day. They're like, I want to, is it weird? My friends bail. Is it weird if I come alone? I said, no dude, enjoy yourself. And you know what? The guy made new friends at the show. I sat with these guys and they were tweeting me too. So you end up having a great time no matter what. Um,

I called you March.

March, March, Normand. Tell them how to do it. Oh, yeah. And Fanimal has amazing customer service. Don't take my word for it. Check out their hundreds of five star reviews. The next time you need tickets, go to Fanimal.com and sign up with code DRUNK.

Get on it!

Hey, hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Geology. Geology is on a mission to make men's skin care a breeze. Take a 30-second diagnostic quiz, tell them about your skin and goals, and their team of dermatologists will design a regimen just...

for you that is shipped directly to your door. It's that simple. Geology only includes ingredients that actually make a difference to your skin. No junk. We love geology. Look at this skin. We got good skin over here. We're doing all right. For a couple of booze bags, we're doing pretty good. Yeah, I mean, we're working toward a red nose. Yeah, right? But until then. Until then. And also the stubble helps cover up half of it.

But yeah, our foreheads are solid. We're all right. Okay. Their 30-day trial includes all four of their products, everyday face wash, vital morning face cream, repairing night cream, nourishing eye cream. The easy routine equals easy results. Get on it, fellas. Head to geology.com slash drunk.

Make handsome.

A habit. Ooh. That's my Don Draper voice. I like it. Doesn't everyone want geology? All right. I want to blow you.

All right. All right. Here's one. I'm with Danny Jollis. Very funny guy. Good coming. We're in Sacramento. Yeah. Really smart stuff. Yeah. And also a great hang. We're in Sacramento and we go to Old Sack, which is cool. It's kind of fun. You got to do it. Old Sack. We find a cool little brunch spot and I go, oh, what's the, can we get a table? And they go, we have a two hour and 45 minute wait. And I'm like, just say you're full.

Don't fuck two hours. It's like literally hitting on a married woman and she's like, I've been married for six and a half years. Just say unavailable. Yeah, it's a good point. You think I'm going to wait three fucking hours for breakfast tacos? Good point. We don't need the full. Who's going? I'll wait. I'll wait. By then it'll be dinner. I know. What are you, crazy? Yeah. Yeah, good catch.

Infuriated me. Yeah. I'll tell you. How about this one? My lady does this one, and I hope I haven't done this peep before, but I'm laying in bed sleeping, and she goes, you awake? Are you awake? Well, I am now. You woke me. I wasn't awake. You can't just ask, are you awake? I thought the peep was going to be, she tries to get food for me when I'm in first class. It's pretty rude. Ha, ha, ha.

Now that's a definite peeve. I am. I'm awake now because you woke me up. I'm your girlfriend in my relationship. Oh, you're a waker? I'm the one who's like, are you? Because I'm the one who's always up. Ah.

And I'm just annoyed that I'm alone. At that point, I'm like, come on. That's her, too. No, it's, look. Yeah, you would be the dude. I could see you falling asleep easily. No, I mean, I don't sleep well, so that's why I get so angry, because when I'm asleep and you wake me, I'm like, it's ruined. I'm done now. Oh, my God. It's hard to get back to sleep. Yeah.

So are you awake? Just look at me. I'm snoring. You're doing the thing that wakes a person up. Exactly. Gah, drives me crazy. It's like when someone hits you, like, that hurt? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It'd be like if I was pissing and there was water, there's urine hitting the bowl, and I'm like, you pissing? You done pissing? No, I'm pissing. Ooh, I don't like people. Here's a peeve, and you just made me. People who...

are pushy when you're peeing. If you're in there a long time, I'll give you the aggressive knock. Sure. But if you're in there peeing and they're aggressive, I'm like, hey, I just got in here. Right. Give me a second. I'm just getting warmed up. Pacino.

And now you can't pee comfortably because now you're like, oh, shit, I'm rushed. It's a bad pee. It's a bad pee. It's like Chris Rock's joke. You ever try to rub one out real quick and somebody's knock on door like that's a bad jerk. It's true. You want a clear head with a urine or a jerk. Yeah. You don't like pushing out a pee because at the end you get that little sting. I hate the sting. Awful. In other words, a pinch and a piss, too. A pinch piss. How about this one?

This is a comedian thing that drives me crazy, and I'm going to hurt some comedians here, but I'm done with it. I hate it. You should stop doing it. The comic who goes, so, you know, it's some arbitrary thing like, I just turned 33. Oh, no claps there. Like, no, we don't care you turned 33. Who gives a fuck? It's a worthless age. It's not an accomplishment.

And you just turned. It's not even your birthday. Like, get out of here with that. Yeah. When you're saying nothing. Yeah. Just going applause hunting. What are you doing? I won a gold medal in the Olympics. Oh, okay. Okay. Hey, I killed Bin Laden. All right. There we go. Now we're talking. Team six gets applause. Yes. I'm not applauding for you turning an age. Another one. Some of you get this in the crowd. It's my birthday. Hey, if I'm talking to you and if I'm doing crowd work with you and you say it's your birthday. Yeah.

I'll fucking buy you a drink. That's whatever you fucking need. But if you just yell out, it's my birthday. Hey, guess what? We all have birthdays. Bad people have birthdays. Serial killers have birthdays. Am I supposed to celebrate for them too? Exactly. And this is why you're in a comedy show, not your own fucking party because you have no friends. They're usually with friends. That's true. But don't come to a comedy show on your birthday. I'm sorry. Hey, here's for your fucking birthday right here. There you go. For all the birthdays. Don't yell it out anymore.

I got another one for you because it's raining outside. Yep. Nearly fucking melted in my leprechaun costume. Uh-huh. But is that leprechauns? They're gremlins. Gremlins. All right, never mind. You can't get them wet. You can't get them wet. Much like Jamie. A little bit more of this. Wait, wait till I have another one of these. There you go. That's kind of like you're in a Western. You see the guy go for the gun and you're like, ah, he got me. Shit. All right.

It's raining outside and I'm like, you know, walking behind people. I don't use umbrellas. I'm not an umbrella guy. Me neither. I'd rather get wet. Same. If it's fucking pouring, I'll be crafty with my moves. Yes. I don't like the umbrellas. I always lose. What's the point of an umbrella? It's another thing to carry. Then it stops raining. You're the jerk off. Because we'll sometimes be out of the house for hours. Right. So I don't like that. Slow walkers in the rain. Oh.

What are you doing? What is that? It's raining. What is that? Crazy. I'm dodging umbrellas like the Matrix out there, by the way. It's great. Those pointy things. We got to stop the points on the umbrellas. It's insane. What is that? Why are they so pointy? I don't know. I have that clear dome. The dome is nice because it's individual. Yeah, you don't poke people in the temple.

Right. These people are out there with a giant, it's like throwing stars. It's like a weapon. Yeah, I saw a guy spinning one. I was like, what, are you trying to fucking kill me? I know, exactly. So yeah, I'm with you on that. New York in the rain. It gets pretty tense out here. How about this one? This is annoying when people go, you see that? You see that movie? Let's just make up a movie. Hey, you see that movie, The Brown Bear?

I don't think I saw it. You know, the brown bear with the bear? Yeah, I don't think I caught it. You saw it with Matt Damon and Bill Cosby. I don't think I caught it. That was a good one. Although, honestly, I slept through most of it. But, you know, you saw it. I'm like, I didn't see it. Get to the point of the story. I don't care about your story anyway, but now we're off on me making sure I saw it. I didn't see it. Sure, sure.

What a crazy thing to be like, you saw it. Come on. I know you saw it. It was everywhere. I'm like, I didn't see it. Yeah. No, it's annoying. The pushy needs you to just be on board every step of the way. Just tell the story. Tell me the thing about the movie. I'm ready. The brown bear. This is fucking good. You see? You come around on these. I mean, I'm just drinking a fucking pint of ice cream.

I felt like it was wrong. I came from a pizza contest where I had to eat a ton of pizza. There you go. And now I'm like, I mean, this is going to be... My toilet is going to be begging for its life when I get home. Oh, yeah. You're living the life of a nine-year-old. You're eating pizza all day, and then you're dressed in a costume and having milkshakes. Later, I'll play with trains. Yeah.

That'd be great. Mm-hmm. Should we do some news stories? Let's do it. All right. I got two work. Oh, boy, Matt, why do you have to pull this one? Victoria's Secret Down Syndrome model. So Sophie Giroux is the first model for...

For V.S.? Oh, Victoria's Secret. It wouldn't be me. Oh, yeah. With Down syndrome, is it okay to be sexually attracted to a mentally handicapped person? Well, it better be okay because I've already finished. But my point about this is, first of all, she's got a mild case, I'd say. But also, I feel bad for the girl who didn't get it.

The girl auditioned and was like... Was it all Down Syndrome people? No, I think it was open casting. So the girl who didn't get it is like, what? I didn't get it? Who got it? You don't want to know.

She's very pretty. She's pretty. She's some real eye candy, and I heard that's what they paid her in. But, you know, that was it. That's all I've got. I'm out. I'm out. I'm pulling out. All right, what's the next story? What's the next story? They're trying to be very woke with the modeling. Yeah. They've got a vitiligo model in sports. You're going down all the way. What are you doing? I saw that. An alopecia model, too. Oh, they got an alopecia? Yeah. Damn. You should text her. I heard she's down to fuck.

I have to create a disorder for the next casting. All right. Metaverse boxing match. Khabib versus Max Holloway. So MMA stars fight in a virtual boxing match held in Facebook's Metaverse. Khabib has been retired from the MMA since making the promise to his mother when his father died unexpectedly. This is his first fight since March 2021. Khabib won the exchange.

Mostly put for, yeah, this is so weird. It's weird. I worry about this shit because we're already lazy. Everything's already delivered to our house. Uber Eats. And now we're going a step further with like porn is now meta and we're going to start going into a meta comedy show. We're going to be out of work. Well, I think, yeah, I mean, this is like, this is going to show what big pussies we become too. Yes. Where it's like, oh, you want to take it outside? Yeah.

And by that, I mean to our computers. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'll fucking, I hope I kick you. I don't know how my demo character is yet, but I think it's good. Exactly. You talk about riding horses. Now it's going to be like, yeah, I ride horses, and then put the goggles on, and they ride a horse. It's not the same. You need the touch, the feel, the risk.

Yeah. I don't think comedy is in danger. I mean, we saw that with the pandemic. People want to. I hope you're right. I don't think so. I mean, cut to a year later. We're like, I hope you saved Mark. Yeah. Because people don't want to leave their home. What do we have? We're all going to be buying green screens real soon. What else? Weird Daniel. Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter will be playing Weird Al in a new biopic.

Oh, wow. Opening act, Emo Phillips. That's cool. Hey, I love Emo. Love it. Yeah, that's... Holy shit. It's so weird because he's like a serious actor and it's just not who you would think would... It's like if... My friend does his makeup. Oh, yeah? I haven't seen it yet. Whoa. Wow. It's like if Daniel Day-Lewis was playing Baba Booey. You're like, what? What?

I love Weird Al, but it's just, it's like a weird thing. Look at that. He looks like a cross between. He's kind of got a little bit of. I'm trying to think. Who does that look like? He looks like a guy who you pay to fix your TV, but he ends up jerking off in the bathroom. Doesn't he? It's a weird look over there with the Weird Al face.

Great head of hair. I guess he's kind of got a little screech in him. Yeah. And it's if screech fucked Ron Jeremy, maybe. But good for Radcliffe because he's going to get a grade. If that happened, it wouldn't have been consensual. I'll tell you that much.

He needs a style change, though. He's so in debt to Harry Potter, and he's so known as that. He's got to cut loose. Yeah. Looks a little pedophilic. Dude, I loved Weird Al like, eat it, eat it. The food album was the best. Food album spam. Killer. Bangers, dude. I met him. He's the sweetest guy. My baloney. I'm bad.

All the 80s stuff. I'm fat. I'm fat. Yeah, so good. I'm really, really fat. He owes a lot of credit. I mean, dude, Beat It is the cashiest song. Oh, yeah. Eat it. Eat it. Oh, Amish Paradise, too. Amish Paradise is brilliant. Yeah. Pretty fly. Did we skip some? Oh, wait. Lowest grossing movie. Z... I've never heard of this. Z-Y-Z-Z-Y-X Road. Is that a new gender? All right.

$30 starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore? That's not possible. $30? Holy shit. You would think that the producers would just buy a few tickets to kill her. What the hell? Yeah, people hate that Heigl. They don't like her. Yeah. Sizemore, I love. She still looks good, though. She looks great. Whoa. Damn. Okay, I'm thinking about renting this already. Yeah. Wait, now maybe not anymore. It does look a little shoddy.

Where'd they shoot this song? Who named this movie? Flip phone? Yeah, the name is what killed it. I think Elon Musk named the movie after his daughter. Yeah, this looks...

This is like the Blair Witch Project. I mean, this is like a shot horribly. It's very grainy. It's very camcorder-y. You could have made way more money if it was just her in a bikini for a while. That's true. Even Sizemore in a bikini might have pulled more money. Because you'd be like, wait, what? Yeah, exactly. I'll click on that. Sizemore had a run. He had a run, saving Private Ryan. He went to rehab, though. I think, yeah, I heard he put him back. He'd be a good guest. I would love to have him on.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this looks like shit. It does look bad. We got Grillo, top size more. I got put behind Grillo. Yeah, I think people just don't like her. I guess. Well, Anne Hathaway's working. Yeah, I would say absolutely. Anne Hathaway's... People don't like her, too. Isn't she an Oscar winner? I mean... She is. She's fucking working. Yeah.

I think people just don't like Anne Hathaway's essence or something. I think it's more like where it's like her, they think they just actually don't like. Yeah, Hathaway's got a little let me speak to your manager look. And also it's like she's very like she's such, I don't think people like actors who are that much actors. Yeah.

I think they want you to like, she seems like she, the way like Pete Buttigieg seems like he was made in a lab for politics. That's what she seems like she was. She does. Pretty. I can't get that one out because of your fucking ice cream shamrock shake.

What else do we have? Did we miss anything else? I feel like you went by some, I think, Matt. Weird Al. Oh, yeah. Look at that. All right. Love is Blind. Season two of... I've never seen this show. Season two of Netflix. Reality series about finding love without seeing the other person premiered last week. Can love really be blind? Are they blind? I'm sorry. No. They're in different rooms. They can only hear each other.

There's a guy on... No, there's not a great payoff if they're actually blind, Mark. They're just like, I don't know what you look like. And at the end, I still don't know what you look like. There's a guy on this season that seems mental, though. Oh, really? Somebody said on TikTok that it seems like...

He's what big would have happened in real life. Like he made a wish and he's actually eight years old because he doesn't really seem like an adult. Oh, interesting. Interesting. I got to say. What's his name? Pete Lee? Oh, this guy. The one that Chris is talking about. We love you, Pete. People say you look like him. Oh, yeah. I can see it. Oh, yeah. Look at that. He's got a little vibe there. He's special. I will say if you're hearing a lady and not seeing her, that's kind of the worst of everything.

Oh, wow, they wound up together. I took a stretch. I took a leap. No, no, no. That was funny. I was looking at the picture. That was good. Should we do another story? What else? Olympics. I forgot the Olympics were on. I just don't care. No one cares. There's a doping thing, and I'm like, I don't care. I will say, I can watch curling for three days. Really? You just like her hair. It's like...

I don't know. It's relaxing. Eileen Gu and Zhu Yi, both born in the United States. That's what I call my jazz. Eileen Gu. It's a girl. Born in the United States and decided to compete in the Olympics on the Chinese team. This has caused some anger from groups upset. Them turning on her. That is a weird move there. I don't love it. There's so...

You would think you just want to play for... But this is also kind of like part of this new progressive thing where like, will I identify as this? Right. But it's like, but you were born here. It's weird, right? It's a little weird, but I guess obviously they're Asian descent. Of course. Yeah. But yeah. I mean, that'd be weird if they were like, you know. German. Yeah. I just want to play on China really badly. Did you hear about the skier with the frozen penis? What? Pull it up. Pull it up.

There's a skier from the Olympics with a frozen penis. Did it freeze in the race? I didn't read the story, but the headline got me. They found it inside his body. I've heard of a frozen egg. Remy Lindholm is the name. Wait a minute. At least he's hard. Damn. Did it freeze out there?

Oh, Matt agreed to that pretty quick. Remy Lindholm, Winter Olympian, suffers unbearably painful frozen penis after cross-country skiing race. So the race was that long and it froze his cock. I like that it says unbearably. It's like, yeah, I think frozen. You had me at frozen penis. It doesn't sound good. Good point. My feet fall asleep. I'm like, fuck. Oh, yeah.

Damn. Wow, look at his face. He's got ice on it or something. It's funny to be going down the hill being like, my dick. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Man, frozen cock. I've never heard of this. Yeah. How about that? Frostbitten. Yeah. Frozen cock. Sounds like a Thai dessert. All right. All right. Well, fun news stories. We got a new little segment here, folks. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Any peeves? Oh, we did peeves. Oh, we did peeves. Wait, how far in are we? I don't want to go to a bit too early.

What are we at there, Peters? 55. Oh, jeez. We're fucking rolling. That flew by. That flew by. I mean, I got a few ideas here. Frozen dick. Who knew? Frozen dick. Hey, that was a good new segment. Yeah, I like that. Good segment. Really seems to good. All right. All right. What do you got? Any bits we should try? I got a bit. I got a couple ideas. What do you got? All right. Help me out with this one, you two.

So it's, you know, I hate how divided the country is. I hate how splintered everything is. Isn't it weird that we have two news stations that tell you the same story but with a different take? Like, just tell me the news. The news should just be facts, black and white. Tell it to me. Why do I have your opinion, your spin? Thank God they don't do this with the weather.

Wouldn't that be horrible if they had two different weathers? You know, like, let's check. We're going to the beach tomorrow. Let's check the liberal weather. Hey, it's going to rain all day because you fuckers won't take climate change seriously. And somehow this is Joe Rogan's fault. What the fuck? All right, fuck this. Let me check the alt-right weather or the right-wing weather. And they're like, hey, grab your boots because it's a 100% chance of storming the Capitol. All right.

I don't know if that's anything. They'll be hailing and hiling. Oh, this is good. You like that? I don't know. Is it a stretch? Have you tried it yet? Have you tried it? It's fine. I've tried it, but it's a lot. It's a mouthful, so I haven't really said it smoothly. Hailing and hiling. That kills. Yeah. Hailing and hiling, but I don't know. Is storming the Capitol, is that connecting? Did that not hit?

It does okay. I don't think everybody's getting it. A lot of people don't want to watch the news anymore. They're too depressed. That's true. Who doesn't know about the Capitol? That's like, come on. I know about that. Storming. I figured I had a connection with the storm weather. Yeah, of course. All right. That totally works. All right. I'll keep it then because I was nervous about it. I like that. I had a bit. I don't think it's the same, but it was about how-

I was working on how when you're arguing with your girlfriend, it's like you just can't find middle ground. It's almost like if a person...

she only watched Fox News and I only watched CNN. And then, of course, we can't agree on a reality. This is your show and this is mine. Right. I think it's different, though. That's totally different, but that's a good angle. Yeah, yeah. It's so true. Because two people watch the same story on the news, but different channels, and they have a completely different take on it. And then we both find therapists, and my therapist thinks that CNN's pretty good. She's like, well, my therapist only watches Fox.

Right, right. You know, it's like, yeah. You find people. You start aligning yourself with people who just agree with you. Exactly. You watch CNN. They're like, this Kyle Rittenhouse guy is crazy. He comes here with a machine gun. And you watch Fox News. They're like, this hero is, you know, whatever. Tucker Carlson's holding him like a baby. He's like, look at you, little baby. Little baby Kyle. So it's just weird. Like, I don't know.

You could also do this with sports teams. Like, oh, we're for the Bengals, so we thought they won. I love how you called them the Bengals. What do you call them? The Bengals. Oh, Bengals. They're the Tigers. Oh, sorry. The Bengals walk like an Egyptian. Whoops. All right. Well, I also love... Shout out to the Rims. They win the Super Bowl. Mark's favorite sports team is the Cars.

All right, what do you got bit-wise? I got a couple ideas I can't crack. So I have one. I don't know if I've run into this before. I knew a kid who committed murder growing up. Did I tell you this? Mm-mm. Okay. It was a big news story. He murdered a woman. I know him well, but I knew him well enough that it was shocking. On purpose? Yeah, dude. Oh, wow. He strangled her. It was horrible. What? Yeah, it was a terrible, terrible story. And...

I was talking to a friend about him and my friend, because we both, we actually weirdly met through him because he just like had a thing at a bar and we met and I was like, he's one of my, this other guy is one of my best friends now. And it turns out I know other people that know him. But the murder guy, I played hoops with him a few times. We weren't close, but like, it's shocking. Yeah. So the angle is, I'm on the phone with my friend.

And he's like, man, you know what I knew when that guy was a piece of shit? He told me to come all the way uptown to see a movie. And then he bails on me five minutes before with a three-word text. And I was like, well, I got news for you. You got off easy. I don't know if you heard what happened, but he's not doing in time in prison for being a bad movie buddy. And then there's this angle of like this other guy was like, well, you got to visit him in prison. I was like, no, I wasn't even that close. And he's like, well, you got, I mean, you can't be a fair weather friend. I was like, if the weather's murdering people.

I think it's okay to say fuck the weather. Right. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how to do this part, but if there's a hurricane, you evacuate. Yes. If you stay put, you're a fucking idiot. That's good. Yeah, you don't go into the storm. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. I don't go into the storm thinking like maybe it's changed. I don't know. It's been a little while. Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be nice if there was a weather report on how your friend's doing. Like, is he still a murderer? Ooh, that's good. Weather on, girlfriend weather app. Yes, yes. I think that's an old, is that a bit? No. I thought you had that bit about girlfriend weather where it'd be nice if you could check it.

Not me. I tried a bit. I never did anything with it. Like how you, I wish like their stories were like calling an Uber and you could be like, all right, eight minutes left. And then you're like, then you look down, you're like 16 minutes now. How did that get longer? You know, I never did anything with that shit. That's good. Really? Yeah. I liked it a lot. All right. Then you could write the story at the end. That's funny. Yeah.

The murder thing is so crazy. That's insane that happened. Insane. Horrible. You know a murderer. Horrible. Yeah. At least he was caught. Yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if you knew he was a murderer and he was still out there? He's like, do you want to hang out? I'm like, I'm not seeing a movie with you. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. Maybe your friend's lucky he bailed on the movie. He might have been next. I'm like, how angry did you get with him? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you're like, I was going to go visit him, but I choked. All right. A little dark. That's a heavy premise, too. Is it heavy? Because you're dealing with a death. Murder. Yeah. Fuck. Man, but that's great, the movie thing. Maybe. You know, like... Yeah, I like what you have about the...

cable news like how like thank god the weather it should just be facts tell me what's what maybe there's like a really uh really right wing there's like a newsmax version of it and it's like it's like uh it's like you know uh you're jewish you're burning in hell and you're like jesus right right oh yeah wear sunscreen because you're going to hell yeah yeah that's funny

Is there anything about how when you were a kid, I'd watch the news to see if I could go skateboarding the next day. So I'd watch the weather, and then it would say, it's going to rain all day. Then you'd wake up in the morning, it was sunny. And I'd be like, Mom, it says it's going to rain. They're like, you can't trust the weather. Those guys don't know. That's interesting. So yeah, now that feels like the news. They're like, this guy's a racist. And you're like, well, let me read the story. You used to hear, this guy's a racist. You're like, oh my God. That's crazy. Don't you wish the news...

had the same pull as the weather where the weather's like, it could change. It could change. You know, Fauci's like, why can't I get that? Exactly. Maybe there's something about that. I don't know. Yeah. I always said Fauci was like the COVID groundhog. God. Anytime he pops up, six more weeks. We're all getting sick of him. I think so.

I think there's going to be a hell of a documentary about this in 10 years. This whole COVID. Hopefully it's 10 years. I think it's two or three. Might be two or three. Even better. Yeah. A lot of shit's going to come out. Although, aren't we all sick of this shit? Oh, yeah. I'm going to Wuhan next year. I got a gig. Yeah. They got a good funny bone there. I'm playing the Wuhan funny bone. Yeah. My features are bad. It's a wet market over there. All right. You got any bits?

I had something that... Wait, seriously? I mean, if you want. Oh, shit. All right. I mean, it's real. So I lost my virginity one month after 9-11. Oh. Terrorist? Exactly. Are you able to forget? Okay, so that's the thing. Was it two towers or one? Write the bit for me.

for me. Sorry, sorry. No, yeah, so it was just, I was a vulnerable time. He played hacky sack. He had a lazy eye, so clearly I just kind of picked whomever because I just didn't want to die a virgin. Right. Yeah, there was like that whole thing of like never forget for 9-11, but like with that, it was like I didn't want to remember, so like never remember. Ah,

- Ah, that's similar, yeah. You kinda nailed it there. - Something there, yeah. - Is he nine inches or 11? All right. - Yeah, there's something there. - There's something there. The whole forgetting thing. - Let me block it out. - I'd love to forget. - Yes, I'll block it out. - Please help me forget. - Right, he was the first responder maybe when you called somebody. He showed up first.

I like it. Remember Luzia Virginity was a... That was a big deal. Maybe like afterwards he evacuated the building. Oh, that's good. There were no Jews in the building. Yeah. All right. There was a lot of rubble when he left. There was rubble and fire. He ruined it. Everyone had the like...

suffered from like the aftermath oh yeah yeah i had the long-term effects right i'm sick now yeah i deserve like compensation or something ah oh yeah compensation i like it you're traumatized from the experience you got in a cab went uptown were you guys here for that yeah i was in school yeah whoa midtown yeah wow yeah i remember i had a teacher give us a pop quiz the day of

And we knew that we were under attack. It was crazy. I remember being like, are you fucking kidding me? Wow. Yeah, we were furious. Damn. And my dad picked me up. We all lined up to donate blood. But that's New York. It's like the lines were too long. Everyone was like, we'll donate blood, you know? Yeah. It was more like, it's not like you need that much blood for that shit. It was more like, we're fucking here. Yes, we're helping. Yeah. Community. Community.

I remember the Greg Giraldo bit about like he knew the terrorists didn't win when he saw his first bachelorette party after 9-11. Just a bunch of women like, I don't care what those fucking Mexicans did. Oh, that's great. I do remember that. Yeah, a lot of like brown guys and like Indian and stuff like that. They were just fucked with hard after even in New Orleans.

That got ugly. Yeah, it was ugly. It was awful. A lot of black comms were like, they're the new N-words. That was a big bid after 9-11. All right, well. Well, any dates to put? When did this come out? Oh, we got dates. When we pull up our shit, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, how's the beacon cooking? I think we're done. Oh, my God. That's incredible. I think there's like...

10 to 15 singles left. Okay. It's just singles, but I think we're, I mean... Is that what they plugged on? I mean, by the time this comes out, it'll be sold out. Is that what they plugged on? Corden? Yeah, but... That's a good plug. Yeah, it's a good plug. He was cool about it. He was like, oh, it's the best venue, you know? Yeah. That's what they... They say the beacon is like the Wilbur, almost, for New York. Yeah. All right, I'm in Tampa, Florida. I'm in Louisville, Kentucky. I'm in...

Dania Beach, Florida, whatever that is. I'll be there too soon. Oh, nice. Paramount Theater in Austin for Moon Tower. Phoenix, Arizona. Addison Improv in Texas. I love that club. I go every year. Classic. Classic. Great club outside of Dallas. All kinds of fun dates. Out to lunch on YouTube. Special stand-ups on Netflix. Give it a whirl. Check out the Patreon. Wow.

We got Columbus Funny Bone, Salt Lake City, Wise Guys Comedy Club, Great Club Brea Improv in California. Beacon Theater, I assume, will be sold out unless we edit one. I don't think we will. Nashville, Tennessee, Zany's, Albany Funny Bone, Toronto. We added another show there for the Bluma Appel Theater there. And we got East Providence, Rhode Island, The Comedy Connection. We got all kinds of shit coming up.

Yeah, can't wait to see you guys on the road. Tampa, Cleveland, all that bullshit. And probably Chicago soon, too, so keep an eye out. Hey, yeah, Chicago, Raleigh, fun stuff in the mix. What do we got on merch, Peter? Is anything cooking? Oh, it's cooking. Oh, yeah. Look at that. We might be drunkpod.com, or we might be drunk, yeah, we might be drunkpod.com. Look at us. We're adorable in those tuxes, man. We have a website. I had no idea.

I didn't know this either. Look at all that merch. Koozies, t-shirts, coasters, bottle openers. Oh, whiskey's coming soon. Oh, that's right. I just did Hey Babe and I plugged the hell out of the whiskey. Hell yeah, dude. So it's coming. That'll come out in a while. But yeah, we're going to be selling some hot rye, folks. So buckle up.

All right. Thank you. Hit the website. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Make sure to review us. Follow the We Might Be Drunk Instagram. Follow us. See us on the road. So much good stuff cooking. Good stuff cooking. You might have a special. Who knows what's going on. Jamie, what are you plugging?

I have shows in New York. Definitely the March 6th and 13th. I always post on my Instagram, JamieSamanthaLynn. Oh, there you go. It's spelled the Jaime way. J-A-I-M-E. Got it. Got it. And website or anything? No, not yet. Help me. Insta...

What's that? Insta? Did you do Insta? Yeah, Jamie Samantha. Oh, sorry. I've been drinking. All right. We love you guys. Keep telling friends about the pod. Happy St. Paddy's. Stay safe. Luck of the Irish. Top of the morning. Paddy, old blue-eyed devil. What are the... I don't know any of the Irish stuff. We did an Irish cheer. Put up an Irish toast at the end there. We'll say it here on the screen. Just play us out with a dropkick Murphy's or something. Yeah.

Boondock Saints is overrated. Awful. Awful movie. I posted that on an Instagram story and I got so much hate. Like, fuck you, that movie rules. Exactly. All right. To all the days here and after, may there be filled with fond memories, happiness, and laughter. May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. Woo! Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad. Boy, these guys aren't known for their rap skills.

Always spit on your dick before you get hard. Yeah. That's a weird one right there. Holy shit. If you're going to have sex with Victoria's Secret model, go for the Down Syndrome one last.

Maybe in heaven with a full half hour before the devil knows you're dead. Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and live every day as if it were your last. I mean, all right, we're getting a little cliche here. Leave frozen dick. Why are people always dancing like no one's watching? At some point, people are going to watch. Yes. You might want to work on those moves. I agree. I'll tell you. Yeah.

May we all be alive at the same time next year. Jesus Christ. This guy's getting a DUI. The last one's just, I hate you, Mom. You're like, Jesus. It's crazy. All right, to all the small dicks out there and the patio potato. That's a great Brian Kiley joke. And, you know, I am really Irish. My blood, what do you call it? Blood type? Blood type is O apostrophe.

Great joke. That's good. He's good. He's got some great ones. He's got some classics. He's like, my name is very Irish. Not as Irish as my friend, Potato McSmallpenis. Oh, that's classic. Now I'm just doing his act. All right, all right. You're all right. Thank you, guys. Top of the morning. Take it easy. It's a bender. It's close. The bird is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here at noon. I remember.