Ep 42: Mojito Bros
01:17:47 Share

We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit, have peeps, wrecks and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk, yeah

Here we are, folks. We're back. I know last week was a sad and somber one, but we're here. I got a Hawaiian shirt on. Sam's wearing sweatpants. The beer Jew is cooking. We're rolling.

I like the outfit. Thank you. Thank you. I'm wearing sweatpants, too. I feel like it's still hot out. I'm like, when's this summer going to end? So I throw on a Hawaiian. The Hawaiian is... I don't think I've ever seen you in one. I wore one here. Did you? This exact shirt. Yeah, yeah. All right. But... Well, I got to pay attention. They breathe. They breathe. Yeah. It's weird when people say... What can breathe? The shirt? A wine?

Yeah, wines can breathe. Things that aren't alive. Yeah, that's true. I almost made a horrible racial joke. But let me think. What's the guy's name from Staten Island? I can't breathe. What else can breathe? Sheets can breathe, you know? This comfort, it really breathes. Yeah. Wine can breathe, yeah. I can't breathe when my mom nags me.

Do I tell her? Yeah, Norm can't breathe. That was my segue. Ooh. Sorry. Norm, you know, this is how good the comic Norm was. Is it like no comics made jokes about his death? That's true. I saw one and it was pretty great. What was it? It was, man, who would have thought Artie Lang would outlive Norm Macdonald? Yeah. And I was like, that's fucking great. We all thought that. Yeah. That was Artie Maness. Funny guy. Damn. That is, well, you know what's crazy is Artie is like,

I listen to Artie's tribute to Norm, you know? He did a little special, and it's like the first time I've heard his voice, and Artie sounded great, so you're like, fuck, I hope Artie gets better. Yeah, yeah, he's still lucid and funny and all that. I just, he looks like hell, but he's still with it, which, thank God. Do you think about Norm? It's crazy that Norm would just go on these late night shows.

Like you rewatched some of this stuff. It's like Chadwick Boseman where you're like, oh, we had no idea that he was just showing up to do all this work feeling like, dude, I can't imagine that. I know you get a crick neck. You're like, I'm canceling the wedding. Oh, I thought about that. Like if I had cancer and I was on the road, my opener would be like, you better laugh. I have cancer. That

That would be my opener. Right. Yeah. He was stoic. He totally hit it. He didn't want the glory. Ah, fuck it. You know, I got cancer, but I was, I've listened to like 900 hours of norm stuff just to mourn and commemorate, commemorate, commemorate.

Is that something? Sure, yeah. Yeah, he always had commemorative coins on Fox News, these weird old people gifts to get the plates, America plates. The coin is weird. Yeah. It's like, can you imagine being happy? Like, Dad, we got you that George Washington coin you and I own. You're like, you mean a quarter? Yeah, give me a whore. You got me a quarter? Yeah, what are we doing here? Yeah. You got me a quarter. Yeah.

The commemorative coins. Speaking of coins, who's that cum guzzler out there on the beach every Saturday with the metal detector? That guy's still around. I was just in Florida. I saw that guy.

It's so weird. I know. Get a job, you hobo. Do they ever find good shit? Never. You're better off going to a pawn shop or something. Yeah. It's crazy. It's a weird hobby right there. It's a weird, sad hobby, but it's like a scratch-off ticket. You never know. Holy shit. The beard Jew comes through with a short-sleeved shirt. So this is a mojito? Yep.

What is the garnish here? Is that basil? Mint. Mint. Yeah. Basil. Geez. I'm a real idiot. What is that? Carbonara in the drink? Yeah. What is that? Marijuana? Yeah.

Yeah, wow, that's a beautiful looking mojito. I'm not a big mojito guy. They're a little sweet for me, but you're so good at making drinks, I bet I'll like it. Yes. I took the sweetness off for this one. Did you? You make a man's cocktail. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's kind of like the last days of summer. We want to commemorate them.

Here, here. That's why I got the shirt on, too. I love it. I love it. I like it. By the way, I don't know. Has anyone ever thought about this? The only two groups that like super sweet drinks, women and black people. They're the only two. Everyone else hates them.

Some men like them. You see dudes with Mountain Dew. I don't know. I mean, look, I'm at a lot of comedy clubs, and I got the black table over here, and I'm like, that's a lot of blue drinks on a tray. Blue drink with fruit and umbrellas and all that. I'm like, you're the toughest guy in here. They're keeping that electric lemonade going. Yes, yes, exactly. I will tell you, I remember Mike Yard, who's a really funny comic. Funny comic. And a great dude. Tough guy, too. Oh, yeah.

I believe East New York. And some Jamaica in there. Yeah, like tough dude. And I remember one night he ordered a Bailey's Irish cream on the rocks. And I was like, ooh. Like I kind of gave him some shit for it. He goes, I could still kick your ass. I was like, yeah. Yeah, you can. But afterwards you'll be celebrating with a Bailey's Irish cream. So...

But yes, you could still kick my ass, Mike, without question. That is a silly argument. It's like, hey, dude, you're wearing women's underwear. Well, I could beat your ass. But yeah, you're still wearing women's underwear. That's the point. But all right. Yeah, you're just ribbing your friends. Yeah. Let's try this. Here, here, mazel. Ooh, good clink. Nice glass. These are thick glasses. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Dude, you have got a gift. This is fucking magical.

Tell him how to make it there, bear! So basically it's just, uh, technically it's 1.5 ounce white rum. We're using Bacardi today, but we also have a Mount Gay Eclipse, which is also very nice. Mount Gay! You want to go for like a silver rum? You don't want to be at the bottom of that mountain. That mountain's broke back. And then it's just some lime juice, some simple syrup, and...

Shake it up. Muddle the mint in there. Shake it up. And top with soda water. Wow. I've had a lot of mojitos in my day, and that one is the tops. Best by a mile. I'm not a big... You're a mojito guy? Not really. No. You knew what we were drinking today, and you were pretty excited for this one. Well, I knew if the beer Jew was cooking it up, it would be something special. And this is special neats. That's why I'm going to drink it slow. Yeah. Yeah.

Shouldn't drive. But yeah, yeah. Wow, that is great, man. You make it just right because you're right. There's a lot of people lean on that sweet, what is that? That squeezy thing you put in there. The syrup? Syrup. Simple syrup, yeah. Yes, the syrup. That's basically you're covering up bad ingredients. I've heard they do that at bad sushi restaurants. I hear they say if you're at a bad place, don't order the spicy tuna because they're covering up old tuna with the spicy. Oh.

That's what I say when I haven't showered. I'm like, it's a little spicy. Sorry there, Mrs. Spicy crabs. Yeah, that's a salmon skin. You know what I hate is the epidemic with the sushi now, and this wasn't around back when I was banging, is the gooey, saucy, aioli shit on top. They have to put that mayo. Spicy mayo? Ah.

I think they went too far. I feel like we're fat Americans, so they're like, gotta give them more sauce. Gotta give them more, like, give me the goods. Well, just get the special rolls. Just get the regular rolls. Oh, maybe that's my, because I like a special roll. Yeah, I like a special roll. All right. But you're right. If they go a little, if it's too wet, you're like, what are we doing here? Yes, yes. Sushi's like the opposite of a woman. If it's too wet, we got a problem. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't know. I'd rather wet than dry. My girlfriend was so wet the other day I had to put her in rice. All right. That's my updated Rodney.

You know what? I go back on that premise. I was trying to spin something quickly. If you're too wet, it's pretty good. Pretty good. I said opposite of a woman. There you go. That's what I said. I'm sorry. You got it. Yeah. Somebody did a there's so much norm stuff out there that somebody did a norm to Rodney late nights. Oh, wow. And you could see the idolized Rodney and you can see the influence like Rodney would come out banging on the couch and then they cut the norm banging on the couch. And you're like, whoa, I see it.

Really cool. It's weird though. This is a weird criticism of Norm and I mean this as a compliment. He was so much better on the couch than when he was just such pure stand-up on the show. Yeah. Because Norm was doing such a high level of comedy that he needed a guy to set him up. Interesting. I think. I mean he was doing this. Conan called it like

A high wire act. Yes. And that's kind of what it felt like. You need a guy to be like, what are you doing? Like Conan knew how to be the straight man. Right. Like what Carson and Dangerfield had, Conan and Norm had.

Wow, that's a great call. Even more so, I'd say, because Carson really just had to be like, just set up, Rodney. Conan had to kind of be like, what are you talking? He had to really, he got to make it like a buddy comedy. Exactly. He obviously loved Norm and wanted Norm to keep going, but you have to be like, you're crazy.

Wouldn't you be nuts? But it's all part of the show. That's what people don't get. This is all entertainment. People go, what's wrong with Norm? He's doing the thing. He's being funny. Well, there was the one where he's in character. You ever see the 2006 interview, Jon Stewart and Norm? Where Norm-

Norm is making a joke about the crocodile hunter who has just died. And he's like, that guy had a hard time getting life insurance. He goes, yeah, I'm a crocodile hunter. And he goes, he was made at the ripe old age of 44 as a crocodile hunter. And then he gets killed by a little fruity fish. That's what he says. They must have been furious. Like, who killed him? Frank? They're like, nah, it's a little fish. Man.

Man, he was so good at comedy. Like, you know when they say you have to know the rules to break them? Yeah. He had that down because he had a Weekend Update joke where Johnny Cochran, you know, in the OJ trial, put on a knit cap and it was like showing that it couldn't fit OJ because it was too big on his head. And he goes, or as OJ refers to it, my lucky stabbing hat. That is just so funny. It's like funny concentrated. Like the orange juice, the frozen stuff, there's no adding to it. There's no water mixed in. It's just,

man, that's funny. You're so right. Like he would, he would just, it's almost like he would just say the thing. Like it almost wasn't a joke. Like how we sometimes forget. Sometimes you see a joke simplified and you're like, Oh, that's the joke. Right. But when, when there's fat on it, you're like, ah, he cut out all the fat. It was just, it was, you're right. It's funny. Concentrate. Yeah. Yeah. He had it. Uh, concentration camp. I mean, he's just, uh,

on another level. And we could do an hour. I just want to say three things. Yeah. Check out Norm on this. Dennis Miller, uh, appearances are unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. That one's great. Uh, and it's how you talk about how Spade loves cock and all that. It's great. And then he's, he's great on Adam Carolla show where they break down Kenny Rogers songs.

Kenny Rogers has some dark songs and they break them down. Oh, and I had another one. Oh, and Conan does a tribute to him and it's fucking touching. How he's like, get Norm here. We need Norm. And they're like, he doesn't want to come in. And he didn't realize he's just dying of cancer. But they're like, why won't Norm come in? What the fuck? And that's what you learn. Like, everybody's going through something. He's like, does Norm not like me? Is something going on? You know, so...

Norm, he said Norm was the number one request when Conan started a podcast. Like, by a mile. Like, why haven't you had Norm on? I wonder if it would have been as good, though. Because the crowd really, what made Norm so good is that he just didn't, he knew how to, like, he worked them in a way where it was like, almost like a boxer. Oh, yeah. It was, yeah, he was, he was.

Probably the best panel guest ever. Probably, yeah. Because it was so damn unpredictable. Yeah, like Rodney was great joke, great joke, but Norm was like, I don't know what he's going to say. I don't know where he's going to go. Yeah, it was Rodney. I mean, I'm not taking it. Rodney is a fucking genius. Oh, yeah. Rodney, the greatest. One of the greatest.

But, you know, damn. Yeah, we got somber again here. All right. We got a lot to talk about. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough loss. Well, one more for Norm. Yes. Here, here, my hero. Mm-mm-mm.

I really do see your influence. Oh, man, it's huge. Huge. And, like, Conan had another great point, and I'll leave it alone. He goes, Norm got fired for making jokes about a murderer. And then he went on the ESPYs, and he made jokes about these athletes who were kind of pieces of shit. And he got scolded for it. And everybody's, like, in comedy is like, I'm a hero. I'm against racism. I'm against homophobia. He's like, we all agree with that. This guy got in trouble and actually...

She was a hero. Like, he was actually pushing against and got in trouble for it. That's a hero. Well, the ESPYs, it wasn't... I mean, he was making fun of OJ again, right? He was making fun of, like... He was making fun of Jerry Jones. He would attack...

He had a bullshit meter and he would attack people that he thought were getting away with something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But then he got in trouble. He got fired for one of the great comedy jobs. Can you imagine getting fired now from SNL for making fun of a murderer? Exactly. What's the equivalent? Like Robert Durst is going to trial. You can't make fun of Robert Durst. Yeah, yeah. He's friends with the head guy. Which you're like, well, that could be again. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Now how spineless. I mean, they were spineless in like another direction. Then now they're spineless and like they're always living in fear. But usually it's a fear that protects them. Not like don't don't fuck with me. Right. Right. Great point. So true that the fear is still there. It's just changed directions. Yeah. Interesting. All right.

All right. All right. Sorry. We can go down a normal rabbit hole every week for the rest of this pod. You got that right. But yeah. I'm showing it to the lady who's bored by everything and she's like howling. It's so fun to watch. Yeah, he's a beast. Beast. But you're kind of right. The panel is really where he shined. Shoned? Shined. Shined. Well, he...

I had watched another one that was like Nick Swartzen, Sandler. Oh, I saw that one too. Closeted Gay Band. Oh, my God. So many good. Oh, that Closeted Gay thing. What a brilliant twist on that. Yeah, it was great. Mm-mm-mm. Damn. It's also cool. Bill Burr's got a tribute. Conan's got a tribute. Saget, like all these people, Artie Lang, they all just went deep. Saget directed him in Dirty Work. That's right. That's right. I always forget that Saget directed that one. Mm-hmm.

So funny, the guy, America's dad, the squeaky cleaniest guy of all time is the filthiest guy on the planet. You know how tall he is?

6'4". You got it. 6'4". That's a tall motherfucker. I opened for him once in Vancouver years ago. Very nice guy. Yeah. I've heard he's a sweet, sweet guy, but his act is literally like jizz in my ass, fuck a kid. Actually, I didn't open for him. It was like a theater gala type thing. He hosted it. So I went on after him, actually, and it was all, oh, man, look at that. Oh, jeez, sorry. We started talking about Saget, all the holy things in here fell apart. Yeah.

All the wholesome pictures. We got to get rid of that one. What the hell is that? I don't know what that is either. Yeah. Tell these fans to start sending in some knickknacks so we can patty whack. Yeah, we got. So, yeah. Give a dog a bone. Remember, Gotham Studios, if you want to send us booze, if you want to send us, you know, stuff for the studio.

Yeah, please. Please send it over. I mean, yeah, it's like a fucking Red Robin in here. You know, we're going to have a trumpet and a bowling pin. You picked the saddest fast food spot. Red Robin. Peter, she did a great job with the studio. I'm just saying. It looks like Rochester in here where you're from.

We got to get out of Rochester. All right, let's get back to Mount Gay. Where were you this weekend? I was in Philly. I was in Millersville, and then Philly had my buddy Shafi hosting the Millersville Gary Veeder featuring, and then it was a two-person show.

Me and our boy, two morose Jews for the price of one, brother. Hell yeah. We had a great time. It was great. Yeah. You got little Jew, big Jew. Yeah, it was fun, man. We had a great time. That's great. How about you? Where were you? One of my favorite clubs. I love Philly as a city. You ever walk around that Rittenhouse? Beautiful. Beautiful. There's pretty girls and the fountain and it's so lush and all these cool restaurants around there. It's great history. Good times. Gary and I are walking through the park and there's a guy playing...

He's playing Elton John on the guitar. And we just walked by. And as we walked by, he goes, Sam, how were the shows this weekend? Whoa. That's awesome. That was pretty cool. That's great. The artist stopped to talk to the artist. It was nice. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm not tipping you. But no one has cash anymore. That's become a hard gig. Good point. I guess someone put a Venmo there. That's true. But who's going to open their phone? That's a whole thing. Yeah.

Yeah, I had the guy. You ever have the guy outside of Chase Bank doing the door open? You're like, all they give you is 20s. I know. What do you want me to do here, Dickless? I got no, I can write you a check. I was going to call him Dickless, too. Well, I mean, it's a bad system. It is a bad system. I mean, you might as well be that ice cream guy with the, you know, like you got to make change here, buddy. Well, that's a tough thing if you're homeless now. Like we're going way digital. Digital, yeah. You know, so. . .

If I was a stripper, my name would be Cash App. Just put a tattoo. Venmo. Venmo.

Yeah. PayPal, everybody. Oh, yeah. Man, this is a good drink, dude. So good. Once again. And you look fresh. You look non-hungover for the first time in your life. Yeah, you got the hair slicked back. Look at that. I already got a haircut. Just because I've been working seven days a week, so I got to do something to look not...

Ridiculous. Yeah, women told... Oh, women. A woman told me that if a guy has a little bit of shine in his hair, they go nuts. Yeah? Yeah, I think it's... Because it means that they're together, probably. Exactly. And it goes back to that old school Draper thing, you know? Like, you gotta... You're a man! Yeah.

It's funny, women want the Draper type, but they don't want the Draper type. They want Don Draper, but they don't want what comes with Don Draper. Right. Yeah, that's true. It's kind of like craving a cheesecake, but you don't want that after effect. Yeah, I think that's how life is. I mean, look, you want to bang Carmen Electra, but you don't want to have a sandwich with her. But you don't want to be done for either. No. Yeah, that's true. You don't want to be done for.

I would love to be Dennis Rodman. I think in the 90s I want to be Dennis Rodman. I think now... You put on a wedding dress for a photo shoot? I don't think so. But that was... Rodman was like...

He was like fucking with people. He was great. That's how great Rodman is. He's not even trans. And he's like, I'm going to dress as a woman for the attention. It'll be a thing. But that just raises the question. Obviously, younger people and people in the know and the media have to push boundaries. I'm trans now or I'm whatever. It's got to go the other way because if you go so far this way, eventually someone's going to go, I have no tattoos. And we're going to go, dang.

You know what I mean? It's got to go like somebody's going to show up in a business suit and a job and no piercings and be religious. And we're going to go, this guy's a fucking rock star. Yeah, you're right. Eventually there's going to be like a census thing where someone's like he, she or they. And they're like she. And they're like, hmm. Yeah. Whoa. A little edgy. Yeah. Interesting. She's going as a woman. Good for you. It's all cyclical. Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. You're right. It is one of those things. I used to have a bit about this, but it was like how if you're a guy and you like get your eyebrows done, your friends are like you're a pussy. But if you become a woman, they're like you're a hero. Like how it's like you've got to go all out. You can't you can't give like a little bit.

Yeah. It's like if you get a haircut, right? Sometimes like we're not assholes, but if you get a haircut and you go to the comedy cellar, someone's like, ooh, someone got a haircut. Yep. They just start tearing you to shreds. So true. Or the worst one, they go, I see you got a haircut. And they don't say if it's good or bad. They just are like, you got a haircut. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you know what I never got? Oh, no, somebody has a great bit, but I can't think of who has the bit, and I feel bad because I want to give them credit. But some guy had a great bit he's like, I got broken up with. And then you walk around New York, all you see is men and women making out everywhere. And you're like, ah, geez, what the fuck? Get a room. God damn it, get out of here. And then I saw a gay couple making out, and I'm like, good for you. That's kind of how it is. Like with certain groups, you got to be more supportive.

It's a funny take. There's so many new couples in New York because it's a city that you just see so much PDA. I know. Also that, it's also like a vacation destination for people. So that's also like we're on vacation. We're happy. True, true. You also see the unraveling. You also see the unraveling. Yeah, you see both. Yeah, nothing. I mean, I've seen so many girls crying on the subway platform just like trying to hide it. And you're like, damn. That was after you talked to them. Yeah.

Yeah, I did my act. But yeah, it's true. I think we're just out of our apartments. Our apartments are the size of a beer juice dick, so you got to get out. It's so small. And then, you know...

I'd say if his dick is 500 square feet, he's doing all right. That's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah, but no kitchen. His dick's got a kitchenette. Kitchenette. Kitchen's in the back. Yeah. Cool. You take off your pants. Your dick's got a walk-in closet. That's pretty cool.

Now get back in it. Yeah, yeah. Philly, though. At least no flight. What did you drive there? We drove. It was, yeah. That's nice. It was one of those hotels where you're like, anytime there's a wetty in the hotel, you're like, I think I could do a little bit better than this hotel next time. Oh, yeah. It's like, I hate being that guy, but I'm like, dude, they're screaming on my floor at three in the morning. I'm like, can someone, they're like, we'll send up security. Wow, you're the guy now. You're the shut these people down guy. Well, I think- Karen alert. I'm not-

Come on. What happened? You just let them fucking go wild? Yeah, put on a podcast. Let the kids be young and fun. By the way, they were my age. They weren't kids. They're at the wedding. They're drunk. Vito was furious, too. I'm happy I'm with old Jew man energy. He was like, this is unacceptable. I'm like, it is unacceptable. Picture Vito in a carton with a pipe and a leather-bound book like...

Oh, he was furious. He's also a dad, so he just gets up at 8.30. Oh, right. He just gets up at 8.30 because he gets up at 8.30. Sure, sure. And then he's texting me at noon. He's like, breakfast, I'm starving, please. You can eat. Yeah, right, right. But you want that road lunch together. You want the hang. Yeah. Wait, were you at, I mean, it's already over, so were you at the Sinesta? I was. Yeah, that's where I was, too. Not great. It's a little.

It's a little cheesy down there. It's a little nightclubby. Yeah, it's not great. Not great. I'll tell you what I don't care for. Here's a peeve. Ruth Chris's Steakhouse. See how hard it was for me to just say right now? Get a real fucking name for your steakhouse. Well, I got a little pushback because it's from New Orleans. Okay, well, it's a stupid name still. It is a stupid name, but here's the rub. Dry rub. But Ruth was...

Was this crazy old coos who worked under the thumb of her husband. He opened a steakhouse. They have like five kids. He walks out on the family. Yeah. Back in the day when you could do that and there was no Facebook trail. And he walks out on the family. So this poor lady is in the back.

cooking up steaks alone with her children, like trying to keep the restaurant alive because they got no other income. They're freaking out. So she grows it into this giant, huge, like five-star steakhouse. All the big wigs are eating there and everything. And then she makes a chain, another chain. It's this insane story of like a, you know, independent woman who got screwed over, who makes it big. And it was called Chris's Steakhouse. And she's like, it's Ruth's Chris, motherfucker. I got a better idea.

I know. I agree. Ruth Steakhouse. I know, but she's got a bone to pick with Chris. I get it. And then he came back like, can I get some royalties? And she's like, blow me. You come stay. And this is mine now. You left me in the kids. The kids hate him. I could be butchering this whole story. But if I made a movie, you know, we got to have a female lead and a female superhero and all that shit. That would be my movie. That's a badass story.

Pretty cool story. That's true, yeah. Back there with one hot plate making steaks for like 10 guys and the little boys are...

You know, they're in little tuxedos trying to keep the place alive. Crazy. Down in New Orleans. Amazing. Yeah. Look that up there, Matt. Look, the stakes are good. I just hate the name. Hate the name. And it's attached to the hotel, which doesn't help. Doesn't help. And it was just like a party. We were just like, come on. Now, did you get sloppy at all?

I mean, look, we did three shows on Saturday. Oh, God. So it's like I've gotten good at starting with coffee on that first show, then transitioning into vodka. You need to figure that out. There is an art to that three show, because I did three that night, too, and you maybe have a beer on the first one, and the second one you're like, hey, give me a vodka soda, and then by the third one you're like, shot, shot, tequila, let's do it.

And then it's over. I did one shot on stage. Nice. The green tea shot, which is whiskey and peach schnapps. Pretty solid shot. Not bad. Not bad. I don't know where you stand on that there, sloppy jalopy. As far as the taste, it's pretty good. It's surprising that it actually does taste like green tea. It does. I'm a chamomile man. I like to get fucked up. That's like Staten Island's favorite shot.

Really? Oh, really? Yeah, like I used to work at a wedding hall there, and that was like all we made. As long as it's not Fireball. Fireball had a moment in the sun, and I'm glad it's fizzled. Fireball's a devil. I don't like it. The devil! Cinnamon has no place in alcohol. Agreed. I'm just not, like, I like cinnamon. Sure. I think it has its purpose. I like Big Red, man. Yes! I'll fuck with cinnamon.

Dentine Fire. I'm all in. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is good. Best cereal. That's your number one? I mean, you're eating cubes of sugar, but you can't beat it. Give me your top five sugar cereals right now. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I like Pops.

Damn, what? Pops. Just those yellow corp pops. They're underrated. I like Lucky Charms. Weird ones. All right. Lucky Charms. Oh, yeah. That's an overrated one, too. I'm eating fruit. I'm eating marshmallows for breakfast. Just give me all marshmallows. What are you tricking me with? That's how life works. You got to have a little struggle with your rewards.

You're turning this into a philosophical conversation. You got that right. Yeah. You got to have a little rain, then some sunshine. You can't just go all sunshine. I want a blizzard, baby. Yeah. A marshmallow blizzard. All right. We got three. What else? By the way, Ted Alexandro's joke, how all the horrible, what do you call those, like

What are those called? God damn it. Like a hurricane or earthquake. Hurricane mudslide. Mudslide. Natural disaster. It's like the menu at TGI Friday is unleashing its wrath on the universe. That's a great joke. Great joke. Love Ted. They're all drinks. Hurricane, mudslide, and the other one you said. Love Ted. Mm-hmm. So, all right. Yeah. Okay. We got three. What else? I'm blanking on a lot of them, but I'll throw Fruit Loops in there. Love Fruit Loops. Love a Fruit Loop. It's a classic. Classic. Classic.

Golden Grahams? Cracklin' Oat Bran. That's my number one, baby. What? That's grandpa food. It's good grandpa food. Oat Graham? What? Cracklin' Oat Bran. Matt, am I crazy? You guys not do this? Anything with bran, I'm out. Oh, it's sugary, though. It's really good. Oh, okay, okay.

Cracklin' Oat Bran's my fuck. That's a game changer right there. I've never even heard of Cracklin' Oat Bran. We're having it one of these episodes. This is delightful. That sounds like soul food. When I was growing up, there was Cracklins. What you're supposed to do with the Cracklin' Oat Bran is you take the spoon and you light a flame underneath it. No, I like that.

I think Life is underrated. Life is okay. It's okay. It's not in the top five, but I want to give it an honorable mention. All right, I'll give it a mensch. I don't like the name Life. I think it's too dark. Life sucks. You should try their other cereal, Hospice. It's terrible. Yeah, right? Life support. What else? Oh, Cap'n Crunch is killer. It is good. It does fuck up the top of your mouth. It does get a little chunky up there, but Cap'n Crunch peanut butter. Woo!

And we're really going full black tar. Yeah.

Reese's Pieces came out with a cereal and it was bananas. Peanut butter puffs. Peanut butter puffs. Best cereal on the planet. That's my number one. I'm changing it. Damn. All right. So I'm thinking what else? Frosted Mini-Wheats. How do you feel about that? I love Frosted Mini-Wheats. I like how they get a little gooey at the end. Me too. I do enjoy that. I'm 100% with you. I just saw a guy. There's a guy on TikTok. I forgot his name. He's a black guy with an amazing voice and he just ranks food. John Legend. John Legend.

He ranks food and they're funny as hell. And he does cereal and he shits on...

Frosted Mini Wheats. And I got to go against him on that one. I love. Oh, really? If you know that guy's name, put it in the comments because he's so funny. He's on TikTok. He's got a huge following. He just does. He just ranks food. Oh, OK. Well, you know what ain't bad either? There they are. There's the Reese's is Smacks. Also, first of all, they look like we're talking drugs here. Well, I know they look like little twats. They look like little vaginas, but they're also like to rub one against my nose. Yeah.

I like to rub my guts with my dick. But yeah, they look like tiny clams and they taste pretty good. But yeah, the name is horrible. That guy looks like a dealer though. Look at him. He does. He's got the hat. He's just like, he's like, all right, quick. Pay me quick. Ha ha ha ha.

sugar smack. You know, we forgot. I'm sure we'll get shit for forgetting. Count chocolate is pretty good. Oh, yeah, that's old school. Boy, good call. Is there anything else we forgot? I didn't like the cookie quiz. Honey bunches of oats is great. But that's not like the sugary thing, but

It's got sugar in it, but they play the whole we're a health food, but it's not healthy. It's the same deal as life. Yes. Life is better than that in terms of like I think it's healthier. But you know what they do? It's like the kind bar shit where it's like covered in caramel. Oh, yes. But they're like, this is a hell of a – it's a fucking Snickers, dude. It's a Snickers with a cool wrapper. That's it.

And it's called Kind. Kind. Wait a minute. What is that one that's got a funny name? Is it Honey Bunches of Oats? There's one where it's got a funny name and they say it in the commercial and everybody goes, ah. It's like a joke. Oh, God damn it. It's a funny name cereal. How do you feel on Wheaties? Wheaties stinks. It's all right. It's just cardboard with milk. I guess cardboard's okay. I don't mind it.

I remember when getting on a Wheaties box was a big deal if you're an athlete. Like, he got a Wheaties box. Of course, of course. Bruce Jenner. But I don't think if you put fruit and sugar in a cereal, it's already out.

I don't like when people put the, like, Honey Nut Cheerios is good on its own. Yeah, it's overrated. Frosted Flakes is overrated, too. Frosted Flakes sucks. That's just sugar and cardboard. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Just give me the cardboard. I need sugar on cardboard. Kix sucks, too. Fuck you, Kix. Kix rocks. Kix. Yeah, K-I-X, too. They thought they'd been really hip. Yeah, yeah. It was okay. It wasn't horrible, but you know what? You were never excited.

Right. Cheerios is solid. I mean, you got to put a strawberry in it or it's boring. To me, that means you suck. You know what's interesting? It's like Apple Jacks. Apple Jacks was something. A little too apple-y for me.

There was one with a funny name. It's gonna kill me. All right. Honeycomb? No, no. Those sucked. Those sucked. It's weird when... You know what's fun about the cereals, though, is you see they try to do the different brands and stuff. Yeah. But it's like cocktails. The classics survive. Yes! You know, like Negroni, Manhattan, right?

But then French toast crunch. Who fucks with that? I tried it. I had a bender on that. I'm not going to lie to you. Is it good? It's pretty good. I went to Vegas and blacked out and had it. But it's okay. It's probably the most innocent Vegas blackout story ever. I woke up with milk all over me. Empty bowl, empty spoon. But yeah, yeah. Dead hooker. But yeah, it wasn't. Oh, tricks suck. Cocoa Pebbles is solid.

only because you get that chocolate milk at the end. Yeah, that chocolate milk was a bonus for sure. Oh yeah, Trix. Trix wasn't bad. Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids. Why? That was the worst marketing of all time. Yeah. What'd you say? The best milk was from the Reese's

Oh, yeah, grape milk. You had peanut butter milk. It's incredible. Why didn't they ever make – they made like strawberry chocolate milk. They made, you know, obviously chocolate. They made vanilla. What is the peanut butter chocolate? You're very right. Nesquik, listen up. That's gold. Peanut butter milk? I just had a shake the other – I'm a big milkshake queef, and I had a peanut butter milkshake, and it was dynamite. Is that your go-to? Well, I like chocolate peanut butter mix, but they don't always have it. Sometimes you get a little banana in there. It's kind of nice.

Peanut butter and bananas, nice. I get that in my smoothie, which is basically a milkshake. Should we make peanut butter boozy milkshakes? Oh, don't tease me. Now it's two vices. Now you're hitting sugar and alcohol. There's nothing like a blender in a podcast, dude. Yeah, right? This is dangerous. I'll try it.

Don't you just want to get to theater level comedy where we just don't hear a mixer in the back? Oh, yeah. That's all I want. A blender. Those are the best when you're doing like a small show. You're coming up, 12 people in the crowd. You hear... I'm like, fuck. I would kill to hear a laugh over that. Story of my life. How about this one? You're doing like a good set. You're rolling. You hear like, oh, some motherfucker got an email. You know, I hate that. There's always something. Or just the phone ringing. The phone.

And then no one knows who it is. Everybody's doing this shit. Oh, God, sorry. What are we, in Boca Raton? I thought I was in a fucking real city here. Come on. Yeah, yeah. I had a weird one this weekend. I was in West Palm Beach. Oh, jeez. That club's pretty nice, though. It's a beautiful club, but here's the clinker. They're short-staffed. Every club is. So every show is starting like an hour late. I'm like, what are we doing here? They're like, we got eight servers. It's 500-seater. I'm like, oh, yeah, good point. So the 430 started at 530. Yeah.

What's calm. Oh, yeah. A lot of geriatrics. You had a hip crowd there, though. No, they were cool. And that little shopping center is pretty cool. Yeah. And I hate to shit on Florida. I love Florida, yada, yada. But...

You got to be tight and you got to be bold in there. If you got any kind of like smart, subtle shit, that's out. You got to just bang them over the head with something, which is it's it's horrible. But and it's an exercise and it's a lot of work, but it's good to like see where your act is at.

um banger wise you know you're like that's a banger that's a banger that ain't a i thought that was that ain't one so it's interesting for that like leno used to say he would follow prior at the store back in the day and he said i thought i had an hour i had 20 wow because you couldn't fuck around after prior because they just saw him interesting yeah sometimes though i guess it depends because we've all followed like rock or chappelle sure seller and uh

Sometimes they just see the famous person and they're like, vacation is made. And they're like, all right, we'll give this other guy some energy because we're in a good mood now. Yes, yes, that's true. Phil Hanley still has the greatest line. What did he say? I mean, I'm building it up, but it was like, this is five years ago. It was Louis, Rock, and maybe Chappelle. It was like some gigantic crazy list. And Phil goes up after, which is always terrifying as a young, non-famous comedian. And he goes...

Ah, the big four. I think he said something like another one. I know. Oh, yeah. Something like that. Something like that. But yeah, it's perfect. But yeah, yeah. Phil's always great for his killer zinger. A zing. God damn. So how was West Palm? It was good. I mean, I got to tell you, that's what's so cool about the United States of America is

I did a private gig in Nashville, flew to Nashville the day of, did a great gig for a movie festival. They hired me, private gig, whatever, corporate, whatever you want to call it. Went out with the whole team, got drunk, fell asleep, woke up, took two flights connecting, got all the way to West Palm, and you're just in sunshine. I'm in a hotel. I'm overlooking the beach, the Atlantic Ocean. Pacific? Atlantic. Pacific.

Atlantic. Yeah. Yeah. Atlantic. And just like, oh, my God, it's the coolest thing about comedy is just like those curtains open. You're like, wow, this beautiful city. It's like Ferrari and Maserati is going by. And those cool roofs with the orange. What do you call those? Shields? Shillings?

Shingles. You know, that's Spanish style. I think they're called shingles. I know that's also a disease. I don't know anything about cars, so it could be anything. No, no, no, no. I'm talking about the houses. Oh, the houses. You know, that Spanish style houses with the, give me a, it's like a white kind of, that's it. That's it. That one right there.

Those shingles. Like all the houses look like that. It was just beautiful. And you're just like, wow, I'm in a whole nother world. Not to mention it's fucking Florida, which is the, you know, the bath salt of States. And they're all just fucking wild. And everybody's having a great time. And there's iguanas everywhere and Cubans and Jews and old people. Great time. Did you see this guy on, on Tik TOK, who's just knocking on really expensive homes. And he's like, ah, you know, I just was admiring your home. How'd you make your money? Oh,

Oh, I had that exact idea. Did he really do that? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that was like an idea I had, but I never did it, so good for him. How does that go? That's great. Well, people are like, you know, I did real estate. Yeah, they just tell him, but it's like, it's kind of ballsy. I know. I had that exact idea to just go up to him and go, how did you make your money? Like, they have a nice car, and this guy did it. There's a guy who does that with cars as well. Ah!

ah, damn it. See, I feel like they're scripted though. Cause they're always like, you're that guy from tech talk, right? I'm like, how do you know? Like, I know he has a lot of views, but how do you know? Like, interesting. I saw it in like a news story. I didn't see it on tech talk. I just saw it like a, an even bigger, made it to the news. Yeah. You know, uh, although not even bigger, she's getting way more views on tech talk. Good point. But, uh,

Yeah, oh, by the way, I was in Philly all weekend. There's people wearing the comedy T-shirt that you sell. All right. Comedy. I'm going to start my own. I'm going to go after a joke. I'm going to go humor.

I'm going to start my own thing. Humor. That's great. No one's taking humor. That's great. Although anytime somebody refers to themselves as humorous, you're like, you're the opposite of funny. I know. You wrote a cartoon for the New Yorker in 1993. Humorist. Yeah, humorist. That is the opposite of... That's like saying, is that lady pretty? She's interesting. Yeah, humorist is like...

It's like pretentious but not funny. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. Let me get that last queef out of there. Sip it up, buddy. I'm on a little muscle relaxer action, so I'm going to try to stick to one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, humor. I like that. Give me a peeve. Well, we were talking earlier. I got a couple peeves if we really want to sink our teeth in. But we were talking earlier, like obviously Norm passing, all this shit with the goat, the goat. I'll post a photo. You're the goat. You're the goat. There's no goat. Enough with the goat.

You're killing that term. I mean, it's like we gave gold medals out to 18 different people. You know, it's a gold medal. It's one guy gets it or one gal.

No, enough with the goat. Yeah, it's like you're killing that term like it's a goat in Mexico. Yeah. You're killing it. Stop killing it. I'm with you. It's like goat for everyone. It's like goat is greatest of all time. You don't use that for everything. Yeah. It becomes watered down. Completely. And I think that's kind of just how things are going. We have to reach for the... Louis had that bit where he's like, he's a genius. Like, no, no. Genius is this insane level of intelligence that's very rare. And you're like...

You brought a cup to the barbecue. You're a genius. Or that's hilarious. And he's like, no, it's not hilarious. You fucked the guy's wife. It's funny, but it's humorous. It's like Tom Brady. Everyone's like, he's the GOAT. And you're like, yeah, he's the GOAT. But you can't use that on other quarterbacks now. He's the GOAT. It's over. Exactly. I'm with you. I'm over GOAT. GOAT. Enough with the GOAT. How about P-GOT?

Pretty good all time. Pretty good all time. P-G-A-T. I know, but pretty good all time? Yeah, and all time pretty good. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Something like that, or like, you know. Every now and then he's D-Solid. E-N-T-S-L-I-D.

N-E-N-T-H-S. All right. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah, I like that. People just became obsessed with it. I walked by a bar in Philly called Goat. Everything's fucking goat now. It's funny because the goat is getting no love. It's just that term. Goats are still like, I'm getting fucked. I'm out here trying to... Farmers are fucking me in the ass. I'm just trying to eat some grass. Sometimes I'm eating a burger. I'm like, this cow is the goat. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all very confusing. Goat cheese isn't bad. It's all right. It's all right. It's overrated. It's overrated. It's overrated. If you get an omelet and they're like, it's spinach and goat cheese, you really want cheddar in there. You really do. Yeah, yeah. Get out of here with the goat cheese. That's another overrated. That could be a segment overrated. Overrated. I like it. We Might Be Drunk is sponsored by BetterHelp. What's standing in the way of achieving your goals? A lot.

Figure it out with BetterHelp. You know, look, I'm in therapy. It's been very, very big for me. I love it. He's definitely helped. Oh, yeah. I just talked to him. Yeah? Yeah, great guy. Great therapist. BetterHelp is therapy for the 21st century.

Sentry BetterHelp is professional therapy, all online. It's all remote. Do it from the comfort and privacy of your own home. Flexible schedule, phone or video calls at your convenience. Get a good match. They will put you with a licensed therapist who is right for you. That's the most important part of therapy. You need someone to feel like you can talk to them, who gets you. It's fast. When you sign up, you can start talking to your therapist in less than 48 hours. No waiting around. It's affordable. You didn't have to be rich to pay for this. It's fast.

and financial aid is available. This is great. And now you can send messages to your therapist anytime. Paul, what about Bob? Bill Murray. Great movie. Great movie. They'll get back to you in between sessions. Don't like your person? If you want to switch therapists, you can do it anytime for free. Trust me, it helps to have someone outside your world to talk to. It's easy to schedule, affordable, and will take a load off your shoulders. Over a million people have taken charge of their mental health. Join them. Tell them how to do it, Mark. Oh.

BetterHelp has a special offer for our listeners. Visit BetterHelp.com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com slash drunk. Sign up for BetterHelp to start living a happier life today. Just try it, folks. You don't like it? Don't keep going. Nate Bergazzi, Jerry Seinfeld. You're both kooks. Get some therapy, you chooch.

What else you got? We're brought to you by Sheath Underwear. Sheath, I'm wearing it right now, I think. Hell yeah. Let me see. Nice. That's it. That's it. Hold on. I'm wearing women's panties. Forget it. Keep going.

We love sheath. Sheath is the best. Keeps your balls off your leg. Two pouches, one for your dick and one for your balls. Keep the ammo separate from the gun. Supportive, sexy looking. My girlfriend, it's her favorite underwear. How much I love mine, it's crazy. I love it. Love it. I wear them constantly. You have your underwear that you look forward to wearing. Yes. And then you have the others you're like Swiss cheese undies. My balls are going to dip in the toilet. Yes, good mark. I'm getting old.

Shout out to that classic Geraldo bit when his balls dipped in the toilet. Oh, yeah. The idea for Sheath came from its founder, U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton, during his second tour in Iraq. This is an American hero, guys. Hell yeah. Support this awesome veteran-owned company whose founder is a big, big comedy fan. Tell them how to do it, Mark. Yes, I love Sheath. I love Robert. Get on there. Go to sheathunderwear.com and order with promo code DRUNK.

to get 20% off your first order and Sheath Underwear's 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear and let them support your balls. Woo! How about this one? This is a peeve that happened to me this weekend. You ever have the guy, and I'll try to act it out. You ever have the guy do this? Do you mind if I have a sip of this? And he already took it? He already took it!

The guy who does the thing and then asks if it's all right. I'm guessing this happened in Nashville or Florida. Florida. I feel like people aren't doing this shit in New York. Maybe not. You know, the guy was like,

getting like a glass out of your cupboard. He's like, do you mind if I use a glass? You're like, we already took it out, Dickless. Like, you got to ask before you take it out. Dickless is like your new insult. Oh, sorry. I like it. I'm trying to clean it up. Dickless is good. Yeah, dude, I'm with you. I don't like people grabbing your shit. I feel like it's slowed down a little just with COVID. Like people are not as bad, but like,

Yeah, no, I'm fucking... That annoys me. I hate when they're doing it and they're in the act of it and they ask if it's alright. Somebody will throw a blanket over their shoulder like, can I use your blanket? You're like, you already took it. Well, this one's about your girlfriend. Yeah. Use that blanket. That doesn't make it right. Well, I, you know, yeah, I don't like it because you know why I don't like it? Because it's...

It's just who that person is. So if they're like the type that would just take a sip of your thing without asking, then they're doing a ton of other inconsiderate shit. Yes, yes. And then they cover their ass by going, is this okay to be polite? But I don't like a politeness if it's just a,

It's just like a filler. You don't mean it. You were polite after the thing. It's not polite. It's not polite. Polite is out. You just forgot. Yeah, it's literally like cutting someone off in traffic and being like, oh, do you mind? Do you mind? That's exactly what it is. We had a drunk driver on the road driving back last night. Oh, yeah. And it was like fucking scary. He was like swarming. Oh, yeah. Thank God I was with Gary Veeder, who's like nervous Jew behind the wheel. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like, I'm going to stay behind him. I felt we were in French connection for a second. I'm like, this is crazy. I've been on a few rides with Vitor, and he gets angry. He's got road rage. He's got the baby seat in the back, and he's like, I'm going to follow this guy. You're like, fuck this guy. Forget about it. He swerves in front, goes to his window, pulls the guy out, starts fucking wailing on him.

Oh, I got a Veeder story. Tell me if I've told this because it's a doozy. I love Veeder. One time, me and him did a gig in, like, I don't know, Midtown. And we had to do another. We were both on a show at Eastville on 4th Street. So we're going Midtown to downtown. We get in this Uber. I mean, we get in a cab, a yellow cab. This is seven, eight years ago. The cab was, like, $22. Veeder is doing the credit card. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Accidentally tried to tip the guy off.

10 bucks tipped him 100 bucks yeah have i told you this no but that's i just it's happened and so the cab he's like he's like oh shit can you reset it i accidentally gave you 100 on like a 18 ride and the guy was like i don't know how to do i did that and the guy and vito was like well i'm not giving you 100 as a tip and he's like i don't that's how that's the machine and he was clearly full of shit and he just wanted that money but vito's like okay well i'm gonna sit in this cab

until you reset it or give me my money. And I'm like, dude, I'm on in like two minutes. We're already at the club. And he's like, you can go in. And I'm like,

I don't want to leave my friend here. So I went in, did the set, came back, and sat back in the cab with Vitor. And they're just sitting in there like this, like a Mexican standoff. Wow. Or a sit-off. And eventually the guy was like, he's losing all these fares because he could have been on driving. It's been like 45 minutes now. So eventually the guy was like, all right, all right, and he reset it. Wow. And I was like, man, Vitor, what a badass. And that is the origin of Israel and Palestine right there. Wow.

Yes. Oh, thank you. Oh, perfect. Woo, baby. Love it. All right. It still tastes good, but it's not alcohol. Yeah, dude. Goddamn. Props to Vitor. Vitor, I mean, he's four foot one. He's bald. He's got glasses. But that guy will take a stand. He's in good shape, too. Great shape. He's kind of ripped. When I met Vitor, he was a boozy pothead. And now he's like a dad in great shape and just...

He's got like an SUV. He's got a house in Jersey. He's really come together. I love his joke about how his wife caught him checking out another woman. She goes, I don't care, Gary. Just don't be so obvious about it. So now I sit in the bushes with binoculars. I don't care if I come flush. Great joke. He's got some of the best classic one-liners. How many guys or gals are doing...

Hardcore, one-liner, set-up punch, big laugh jokes. It's pretty rare. It's rare. He's old school. It's like an old school comedy style. Look up Vida Las Vegas. Yes. Wherever you get your comedy albums. Great album. Spotify, iTunes, whatever. Check it out. He's great. Banger after banger, I opened for that album. We had a wild week in Vegas. But yeah, killer, killer album. Liz produced it. Damn.

Yeah. So good. Shout out to Liz, comedy seller. She's been getting a lot of love from my doc. I think she stole the movie. Full capacity. You know, the New York Times guy, Jason Zineman, wrote, Liz steals the whole thing. Amazing. That's great. That's great. Made me smile. I sent it to her. Yeah, love it. I'm getting messages about the movie, so I can't imagine what you're getting. People are liking it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Full capacity on YouTube, baby. Shout out to Salacuse.

Eric Scott, Marlon Craft for the music. Your buddy, the drum guy, too, has been killing it. Oh, is he in it? He does the drum sound track. What?

Incredible. Good for him. That guy's great. He loves comedy. He's great. And who else? I mean, I just want to leave anyone out here, but full capacity on YouTube. It's already over a hundred K and it's just going to keep on rising. It's a great time capsule for, uh, you know, New York city in this weird kooky time. We're living on Harmon, Ryan Devere, uh, Jason cash did some additional editing as well. Uh, shout out to everyone for that. Josh Harmon. Uh,

You got a peeve? Did we do a peeve? I got a peeve. It's when people just tell you that they're tired. Ha, ha, ha. I got a problem with that. Guess what? We're all tired. It's New York. You're either tired from work. You're tired from the energy. You're tired because you have kids. You're tired because you have kids.

Or, you know, you just got laid off. You're unemployed. You're tired because you're looking for work. Yep. You're homeless. You're tired because you're homeless. We're all fucking tired. Totally. I'm 100%. And everybody uses that's like a go to excuse. Like, get out of here. Push through. I want to meet the guy who's like, I'm tired, but I don't care. I still got shit to do. We're all tired. Get out of here. How often do you meet a guy in New York who's like full of energy? Never. I never meet that guy. Never.

That's a great point. Because if you have any, it's zapped you of it. You're done. Yeah, yeah. We're all tired. Nobody cares. You telling me you're tired doesn't help the situation at all. So what's the point? Yeah. I get it. It sucks. We've all been tired. But you're here, so you got to do the job. I'm sorry. Yeah. Tired. Good one. Yeah.

We're always... That's such a... And I... This is a pet peeve. Now we're getting into a butthole here. That's my new term for a rabbit hole. Because I don't even know what a rabbit hole is. So I'm saying a butthole. It's a hole for rabbits. I don't know any rabbits. I don't know any rabbit holes, but I know buttholes. All right. All right. So...

I was gotten in this big butthole with somebody and I forgot my point because I'm all excited about buttholes. I think you can go deeper in a rabbit hole than a butthole. I think that's where it's coming from. You don't know my friends. Either way, I don't want any hair. All right. Get it, hair? Okay. Fuck. What was my point? Butthole, rabbit hole. What did you say? That I'm tired. Tired.

But you had to think. Nobody says we're full of energy. Oh, I got it back. So we're, I don't know, what are you, 35? Yeah. Yeah. All right, 35, mid-30s. I'm 38. All these guys who go, and gals who go, well, I'll tell you nowadays, you know, I go home at 8, and I...

And I watch TV, I put on pajamas, and I take it easy. Like, they're bragging about how boring their life is. That's a big thing now. Like, I'm not even talking about COVID, pre-COVID. Oh, yeah, you know, me and the lady, we call it a night at 7.30 now. We're sitting in bed reading. I don't even want to go out. It's like, shut up, you dork. Get out there. Come on, live. We're young. We're still young. We're youthful. 40 is the new 10.

yeah no i'm with people that are like really proud they're so proud i napped four hours today how cool am i like like you're a fucking loser you nap four hours get out of here i can't nap i can't nap either i don't nap i coffee up too much to nap yeah yeah and i just lay there like childhood you know thoughts uh this guy hates me you know i can't nap i panic about a lot oh yeah we're both neurotic just thinking stewing to me a nap is a nightmare

It's not like I can just, these people just fall asleep. Like, oh. I'm so jealous of those people. You ever on a flight and the person next to you just like conks out and you're like, must be nice. Must be nice. Then you wake up, the plane lands. You're like, oh, four hour nap in. Plane's done. I never had to worry about the flight at all. I mean, Jesus, you guys don't know what you have. Oh, when the plane hits terrible turbulence and the guy next to you is asleep and you're like, oh, you motherfucker. Ha ha.

You just missed the whole event. Isn't that crazy? We're contemplating death. This could be it. Here it gets going down. And then some motherfucker slept through the Sully flight. I guarantee you. How about that guy? You know, just like... He's got dreams. Just dreaming about rabbits going down a hole. Yeah. Peaceful. He wakes up on the Hudson Bay like, what happened? What'd I miss? Oh, great. We're on an inner tube. What a life. Yeah. Think of any wrecks this week. Hmm.

My recs are getting weirder because I want to branch out a little bit. Here's a life hack that someone taught me that I've never forgotten, and it's great. We go to a lot of hotels. I don't know how relatable this will be. We're in a hotel every weekend. Every weekend you're in a hotel, there's an extra roll of toilet paper under the sink in the bathroom at the hotel.

Take that extra roll because you're not going to use a whole roll. Wait, your record's to steal? Yes. I'm not stealing a towel. I'm not stealing a TV. Take that extra roll. Just sit in there. The maid doesn't notice. She just goes, oh, we need a new roll in here. Next week, Mark is going to go, just go into a bank, wear a ski mask.

Just say, give me your money. They're not using the money. Well, you take the roll. You just put it in your bag. You put it in your suitcase. You don't even think about it. Now you're at home. You get back home on Sunday or Monday and you're like, man, we're low on toilet paper. Thank God. Now you never have to buy another roll of toilet paper again because you've stolen one way weekly.

I mean, if it works for you. I've done it for 10 years. It's never failed me. Mark, I think you're addicted to stealing. Wow, this is pretty light if we're talking stealing. It's light. I'm not getting the chair for this.

Yeah, I should. Maybe I'll do it. I'm just saying it's practical. They got the extra roll. It's like taking the soap. You wouldn't call that stealing, would you? Bad soap, though. It's not great soap, but I use it. I thought we're all using the soap. I mean, I use it in the hotel, but it's not like... I bring it back. I'm not going full Gilbert Gottfried or Howard Hughes here. I'm just saying there's an extra roll of Charmin. Throw it in the bag. Don't even think about it. Just pick it up. I don't think it's Charmin. I think that's shitty toilet paper, too. What?

If you're in a decent hotel, they're not going to give you the sandpaper. The Scott toilet paper is terrible. It's not great. It's not great. It's just fucking... You got to flip it over five times. What is this? Well, what are you? What are you, shitting blood here? I don't know. No, but I just... I want to make sure my finger's not making contact with my rabbit hole, so to speak. That's a good point. That's a good point. It's a real briar patch down there. But...

We got to get a bidet. That's what we're really saying here. Bidets seem more attached. I know. Everybody's got a bidet but us. Bidet people, send us something, will you? When are you going to pull the trigger? Well, I'll eventually kill myself. But no. I was talking about your high school reunion. No, I think I may want to hit my first mill. If I hit my first mill, I'll get a bidet. How about that? All right. Let's make a pact. All right. All right. We both hit a mill.

I'm going to go to your house one day on Thanksgiving. I'm going to see you had a bidet and I'm going to go. He made it. You can get one at 750. I think, I think you're fine. They're not expensive, dude. It's gotta be a grand with all the money you're saving on toilet paper. That's not bad. That's not bad. Give me a bidet price. I'm talking a decent bidet. Don't give me a good one. Not one of those like $400 ones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm talking to real nothing from like Afghanistan or anything.

I can't imagine their bidet-ing, by the way. It's a different setting for women. Yeah, it just stabs them. Okay, so that's my rec. Take the toilet paper out of every hotel, but it's not relatable because not everyone's in a hotel every weekend. I think for most people, a hotel is a big deal.

Yeah, I'm not a big... I mean, some of these hotels I got to get a buyout at this point. Do you feel that way too? Yeah. Really? I've done it once or twice. I'm not a high-maintenance guy, but... Me neither, but some of them are just crappy and you're just like, well, this is quality of life. I'm on the road constantly. Totally. And then some hotels are like...

30 minutes away from the club and you're like what are you doing here yeah that's insane that's insane it's like my half my day is getting to the club then you get you have a few drinks you got to get all the way back and that's ubers and it sucks oh wow they see these are not i'm talking about the thing you can strap to the toilet this is like a fucking we want to strap on mark's trying to get pegged after shit yeah i want to get water peg water peg that's a great name for a bidet yeah you get the freaks on board you ever uh you ever do a water pick

What's a water pick? It's basically like a little machine that shoots water. I don't think it's as good as flossing, though. They say it's better for you. I don't know if that's true. I don't know. I did a water pick for a while, and it really gets some chunks of poo out of there. Yeah? All that ass eating. I had a couple of corns and peanuts between the molars. All right. This episode's jumped. We've jumped the shark a while ago on this one.

How about, okay, I got a rec for you. How much is that? $42? Yeah, but that can't be a good, you need a good one. That is a steal. No, the toilet paper's a steal. Yeah, Charmin. This is, is this, 42 bucks can't be legit. That is low. You got one? Uh.

I know someone who has one. It's a heated one, too. I don't need all that. Heat is nice, dude. In the winter? Once you felt it, once you sat on a warm, internally warm toilet seat, you won't forget it. All right. You won't go back, dude. Yeah, it makes sense. It's like stealing toilet paper. You're like, this is... So you think the... You recommend the heated bidet. Okay.

And how was the bidet? Did you feel clean afterwards? Yeah, it's nice. The only thing is that who, I think it was like Tom Segura or somebody who was talking about, he's like a no-wiper. They were talking about, Bert and Tom were talking about how they both have bidets that have gotten addicted to them. Yeah. But Tom is a no-wiper.

Wow. So, like, in Italy, like, they don't even have toilet paper rolls. They just have the bidet next to the toilet. Yeah. And then you just, I don't know, you get up and you just walk away with, like, a wet ass. I don't understand that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how that works. I still, like, I'll still, like, dry myself off, you know?

Yeah, I mean, my asshole, it looks like Sam's eyebrows. It's just covered in hair. It's like shag carpet down there. He has to tweeze the middle of his asshole just to make sure it doesn't get any blockage going on. Exactly, yeah. You need a bidet with laser technology to clean that area. Yes, yes. The non-wiping is a little ridiculous. I've never done the bidet. I've never either. You...

You wet the butt and then you do like one wipe. So you still need some toilet paper. So there is like a good amount of pressure to it. So it'll like, you know, power wash you out. And then also they have like circulating ones, which do a whole little like hurricane in your butthole. But aren't you a drippy mess after that? That's what I'm saying. Like, I like to just dry myself off. Yeah, give me a dry. Actually, there are other ones that have air, hot air. Ah, you see, now I'm in here for 20 minutes. It dries you off.

Alright, what are you saying? Oh, no, I was just saying they should make one that has a voice with it as it's going up your asses that you've been a very bad boy. Yeah, I don't want to...

I don't want the air fryer too thing or the dryer. Yeah, what you got to do? You do that shit under there? I don't want that on my ass either. So much stuff to look into as an adult. It is better for the environment. It is. Using less paper, paper, paper, paper all day. I mean, years of toilet paper you've used. Yeah. Years. Years. So many. Thousands of trees. Look at how many trees have gone just for our ass. I know. No, see, that one's a grand. Yeah.

But that's a toilet. I'm talking about the attachment. No, it's an integrated toilet with attachment. Yeah, I don't want the whole thing. I already got a toilet. I live in New York. My toilet's 900 years old. It's from the 18-whatever, you know, Tammany Hall shit on that thing. You ever read those articles about how rats will run up through your toilet? Oh.

That's rough, right? I remember during the flood in New York. You've never seen those? If you're on like a low floor, it could happen. It's so frightening. It's so frightening. You'll never... Not if you're Richard Gere. That's what I've heard. He's like, you're finally home. It will... They will run out of your... There are articles about this in the post. And it's like, I'll tell you, during the flood in New York, I heard like bubbling from my...

uh toilet and my girlfriend goes what was that and i was like nothing i swear to god the rat was my first thought i was like a rat just came up my toilet i'm gonna have to explain this one terrifying apparently chuck berry r.i.p he got in trouble for putting a camera in a women's toilet oh wow to look up which is like

Dude, I get it. We all like naked ladies, but this is the view you want? You want the shitting and the perioding and the pissing? Like, what are you, crazy? Well, I don't understand. It was like a hidden camera thing? Hidden camera, and he got busted. For his TV show? No, no, no.

That's a hell of a pitch. That does not fly on ABC. He's like, guys, I've got a sales pitch for you. Yeah, that's the worst Impractical Jokers episode yet. But no, he had his own nightclub because he was a rich celebrity. And he put a camera in the women's bathroom. Oh, my God. And he got busted for it. But he went to jail, I think, for that. But it's just a weird...

That's what you want to see? Like, dressing room, okay, there are women taking their shirts off. This is not the right takeaway, Mark. Well, I'm just saying. I understand spying on women in the shower, but not in the toilet. I'm not approving. I'm just saying I understand it. But the toilet one, you're like, I don't even understand where your head's at. I mean, some guys are into shitting stuff. Odell Beckham, whatever his name is. Yeah, I don't. I mean, just that's crazy. There's like a Law and Order SVU about that. And you're like, this is what you're in. I mean, that's like a dark, dark thing.

Oh, yeah. Isn't that the German shyster films or whatever they call it where they shit on the chest? It's a genre. It's not blockbuster. Genre's a grandiose term for the shitting. What's your favorite genre? Do you like foreign films? I like pooping on the chest. That's kind of my thing. I mean, it's technically adventure. It's a foreign adventure, but yeah. That's a Kyle Kinane joke. He's like, what do you want?

What were you watching? I was like, oh, I was catching up on some cinema. It was a foreign film, Russian teens, you know. Yeah, exactly. Che had that great joke. He's like, I like to watch action films, porno. I call them action films. I'm butchering it, but yeah, yeah. There's shit movies out there. That's all I'm saying. Should we do bits? Yeah, yeah. What's a bit you're working on? All right, I got one that... Now, these...

By the way, I just got to give you an honorable mention. Your tag you gave me or whatever, your premise or hell. The butthole thing? The butthole thing is like killing. And I'm bittersweet because I'm like, thank you to my friend for giving me this great twist on the bit. And also, damn, I wish I had thought of it. You know that feeling. Sure, yeah. Yeah, so it just lights out. It's like a new banger in the act. Love having a new bit that's coming up.

You know, I look at my act like trail mix and you got an M&M in there. Oh, thank you. So here's one. I got a lot of raisins in my new act. Yeah, I got a few cashews. So now this is a joke I thought of two days ago while in the shower. And I don't know if it's anything I've never tried it on stage. Never, never said this out loud. So this is raw. Raw.

We got a new football player, openly gay. Yeah. Whatever his name is. Quarterback, I think. White guy. I forgot his name. What is it? We need the name. But he's openly gay, which is, I think, the first NFL openly gay. Michael Sam was openly gay. I think he had a... Was he NFL? He was on the Rams for a minute, I think. Ooh, bad choice of names there. The Ram. But, all right. So...

Whatever the guy's name. Carl Nassib. Michael Sam came out as gay before he was in the NFL. I think that was it. I think that was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. All right. So now I'm trying to think of some other gay football names, but I can't think of any. I got nothing. All right. So the gay football player, he's openly gay, which to me is great and good for him and all that, but...

It's impressive to me that he hid it for so long because he was a gay player for all these years and he had to tell everybody and come out. But I'm not even gay.

And I've played football and got called gay the whole time. You know, I've been called every gay word in the book when I have my horrible throw. So, like, this guy is gay, actually gay, and hit it from football players. Well, you want to stand at the radar with your sexuality in football. Just be really good at it. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. There's no homophobia when you're fucking throwing touchdowns. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. The proof is in the anal. But like, it's fascinating that he's so good at football that no one even thought he was gay. I'm so bad at football. Everyone thought I was gay and I'm not.

He is gay. And then also the fun idea of this statistically, what is it, one in every ten men is gay, like your old joke? Something. Or one in every eight, whatever it is. So that means we've had a ton of gay players over the years who just never came out. For sure. And also, I mean, some come out after retirement. It must be tough to have that kind of scrutiny, you know, when you're playing. I bet it's... Also, another angle of the bit is...

Gay is one of the few groups, like oppressed groups, that can be hidden. Jew can kind of be hidden. Gay can be hidden very well. Gay Jew, very hidden. Very hidden. Yeah, that's way in the closet. But gay, you can hide. No one's ever like... No one ever said in the 50s during segregation, like, I was black the whole time. You know what I mean? Like, you can't hide black. You can't hide, you know...

Hispanic or Asian. You can hide gay. So that's something interesting there. Like you can't, no one on the team was like, I had no idea that guy was Asian. One of the only groups people are bigoted towards with a big reveal.

Big reveal. Gender reveal. Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah. And it doesn't change anything. Like they're like, oh, he's a gay player, whatever. Who cares? As long as he's making touchdowns, who cares? But no one in like in the 40s in like the school segregation was like, ah, I tricked you. I was black and I graduated. I was black. You know, it could be something there.

Yeah, they're like, get him. They're like, shit, he is fast. That's crazy. Right, right. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. It's a fun idea. I'll noodle with it. Something about how you can hide it. There's something interesting about how it's the only group that you can kind of hide. Yeah. Yeah.

And then there's so many jokes about football being super gay, like they're in the shower, they're doing a huddle, they're hut, hut, hut. I'm like, that's all been touched. It's all been done. Been done, and I don't want to get into that world, but I feel like there's something where you can hide it, and I've been called gay, and I'm not even gay, and this guy is gay, and he hasn't been called gay. He had to come out. That's how good at football he is. I'm so bad at football, I'm like, no, no, I'm straight. I have to prove to them I'm straight.

You're fucking a woman. They're like, we still don't believe you. Yeah, we've seen your throat, your spiral. So that's my idea. There's something there. There's something there. I'll play with it. Email me if you have any ideas. By the way, our fans are funny. I've gotten a few tags out of some people. Oh, yeah. Remember to email us at wemightbedrunkpod at gmail.com to join the Patreon, which is growing. Patreon.com slash wemightbedrunkpod. Yes. Yes.

Let me tell you, I'm working on a couple. I don't know if I've run this on you back in the day, but I can't quite crack it. Part of it's hitting. Hit me, baby. I have a whole thing about canceled versus cancer.

And it's kind of like canceled versus, like canceled, you know, I say with cancer at least people are rooting for you to come back. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? No one's doing that when you're canceled. True. Get well soon. They do that for cancer. They don't do that for canceled. Right. But they should. You should get well soon. Right. Canceled is almost like it's cancer that the people anoint you with. Yeah. You know, the people give you cancel. Life gives you cancer. Right.

Yeah. And it's like one of the lines that is hidden, I say, you know, there's stages for cancer. There's no stages for cancer. There should be, you know, said something messed up at an office party. Treatable. Fuck the stepsister. Terminal. Oh, that's good. Stepdaughter. Stepdaughter is better. You know what I mean? That's good. Yeah. Treatable. Yeah. Yeah. And you can get.

I guess some people have gotten out of it. You can get out of cancer. Like, he's a cancer survivor. He's a cancel survivor. Well, either way, you're kind of a survivor, right? Yeah, completely. If you get out of it. But the thing with cancer is if you survive cancer, people are like, hell yeah. If you survive a cancer, people are like, good for you, but...

Stay away from me. Or something. There's still a little bit of residual, like, I don't know about this guy. We don't see anyone who's going through chemo out at a restaurant. Like, you've got a lot of nerve showing your face. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, you almost would rather get cancer. I wouldn't. But maybe for the bit, that'd be funny. Cancer's beatable.

Either way, if they find old pictures, like, he had a cigarette from 1982. Yeah, yeah, right, right, yeah. You see a guy smoking, you're like, dude, you gotta relax, you're gonna get cancer. You see a guy looking through child porn, you're like, dude, you gotta relax, you're gonna get canceled. There's symptoms, there's ways to get it. I don't know if I'm looking at someone watching kiddie porn, I'm like, you gotta chill out, man. Bad example, bad example. Ha ha ha.

Bad example. But I think you're onto something. I love jokes like that. To me, that's very Carlin-y. And you get to point out things in both. I think that's big. That's like a big bit. You can blow that out. I like that a lot.

Oh, maybe that could be something with like there's the cancer ward. Wouldn't that be nice if it was a cancel ward? You know, it'd be the funniest ward. You're like, hey, look, Louie's here. Yeah, Shane Gillis is over here. Yeah, that's fun. The cancel ward.

Oh, yeah. There should be different words. Yes. You finally make it to the worst segment. You're like, Cosby, shit. I'm not coming back from this one. Also, you got throat cancer. You got bowel cancer. You got brain cancer. There's different kind of canceled. I'm finger canceled. Yeah, yeah. He said retard. He said or he had caught child porn. He, you know, fucked a 14 year old, whatever it is.

There's different versions. Yeah, there's stuff to play with here. I'll take this one on the road. I love it, I love it. There's a lot to play with. Come see me in, I'm in St. Louis.

Indianapolis, Springfield, Missouri, Chicago, Denver, Phoenix, SF, New York coming up. A lot of fun stuff. Dallas, see me on the road, Buffalo, samuel.com slash shows. Mark, where are you going to be? Wait, is SF back? Are we allowed there? Yeah. Oh, great. All right. We got to do some of these, by the way.

Oh, shoot. Yeah. Let me do these before we... I'll do the plugs first. I'll do the plugs. All right. I'm all over the road. I'm in Nashville this weekend. Zany's. We're adding shows. I love Zany's. I love Lucy. I love that town. Let's get kooky. Then we're in Madison, Wisconsin.

Also adding shows. Love that club. I've done two albums there. Love those Greek ladies. Rochester, New York. Hometown of our producer, Matt Peters. Think about doing Dr. Grins. What do you think? It's on the table. I'm putting the pressure on you. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's one of those one weekend fell through. They're like, do you want to do Dr. Grins? And I'm like, eh.

It's your weekend. Yeah, it's my weekend. That'll be quick and painless. I like Michigan. Yeah, Michigan's cool. Portland, Oregon, and healing. It's great. You got that good madcap coffee.

It is that good coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always a goddamn wedding in that fucking building. I know. Laugh Boston coming up. Brea Improv out to the West Coast. Vancouver, baby. Oh, damn. New Orleans. Royal Oak, Michigan again. Atlanta. Buckhead Theater. And that'll be it for the year. So let's get kooky. Let's say hello and let's hug.

And make sure, leave us a nice review on the iTunes thing. Sure. Do it up. Podcast app, whatever you're doing. All right. Damn, I had something at the end and I forgot it. Either way, thanks for listening. Get on the Patreon. We just sent out a ton of signed postcards. There's tears, there's queers, there's fears. Horrible band from the 80s. And thanks a lot. Praise a lot. Keep it coming. Keep drinking.