Ep 4: Tito's Soda & Teremana Soda
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Yeah. Sweet. Hell yeah. Tampa, Tampa, Mark. Oh yeah, baby. It's wide open. People are moving here. I don't know, man. Who knows what the future holds, but people are living for today and it's a, it's no one is scared down here. It's wild. Oh, I hope they're a little scared. Cause I don't want old people to die, but shit. Sure. Of course. But the size is, is there, the capacity is 110%. They're adding seats. What's that's horrible. Yeah.

It's wild down here. Larry King came to your show. That's where he got it. Larry King, Dr. Drew. I talked to Bert Kreischer. He said like,

All these people are getting it now. And it's like, it's just so weird. It's like, it's locked down, but people are still getting it. So you don't know what the hell to do. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I, I, I have to address the mustache as well. Oh, please. We're all terrified. I know. Look, I was in the shower. I had a full beer and I was like, I'm it's time. It was getting itchy. Start shaving.

and runs out of battery i have like the full i should have kept the full fucking thing i could have looked like tampa but it was like all the way around it was horrible and i had to trim away but you know i'm not i have very sensitive weak skin i'm fucking breaking out i whittled it down to this but i fucking look like i look like freddie mercury you look like super mario over here you got a full stash and it's too

One time to Mateo Lane, we did the roast battle thing, and I said, you look like you have Freddie Mercury poisoning. That's great. No, dude, it's, yeah, it's nothing. Anytime anything un-COVID related happens that's shitty, I'm like, this isn't fair. Right. I know, I know. It's a nightmare. This whole thing's annoying. You heard they're vaccinating people.

grocery store employees now. They deserve it, man. They do. But those guys are getting laid more than us. They're like on the front lines. They're working. This is the first time grocery store guys are getting laid. I saw a guy in a Gristiti's hat. I was like, this guy's just, he's just wearing that for the pussy. I could tell, you know? He's got the vaccine. He's got a job. He's killing it. Saw a Fresh Direct guy with two models, you know? This pussy's fresh, direct to my face. Yeah.

Rub hub, indeed. Oh, you got like a real to-go glass in the club. Well, I wanted a real cup, and they were out of to-go cups, so I got a Tito's and soda. Oh, we got to talk about our drink. Oh, yeah. Bert Kreischer's from Tampa.

I'm in Tampa, so I got a Tito's and soda in honor. And it's a great, just refreshing night-ending drink. It really is. It's also like a Real Housewives drink, but it's also like a Weight-Watching drink, but it's good. It's so good. It's so light, and it's bubbly, and the vodka's not bad. I put a lime in there. It's all you need, folks.

I did a similar thing. I'm a little embarrassed now that we're still on the same page here, but I'll show the bottle first. I did a little tequila soda. Oh, nice. I did the rock stuff. I got the Terra Mana. Ooh, what's, I don't know Terra Mana. It's like, it's like what Clooney had with Cosamigos. The rock has Terra Mana. Ah.

A bottle's like $20 cheaper than Casamigos. Casamigos is great, but it's got a lot of play now. So, Taramana, it's like $35 for a bottle in New York, so I'm sure it's cheaper wherever else. That's great. Good. Mix that with a little... I do the Spindrift. I like this stuff. It's got a little... I love that shit. Yeah, dude. I got a little cranberry raspberry action. Ooh. Nice touch. It's fucking nice, dude. I do a lot of the... Sometimes I'll do a little vodka with the lemon black tea one. Oh.

Almost like an Arnold Palmer type thing. It's nice. Oh, man. That's a great drink. And I used to love... I might be... I'm older than you. So did you ever have Clearly Canadian? Oh, I love that shit. Oh, man. I used to love that shit. That was back when... It was like sugary seltzer, but it was really good. Yeah, it was a good way for a kid to transition into seltzer.

Like the Elliot Page of Seltzer. But man, I used to love that shit. And that was back when nobody was doing that. Now they're everywhere. Clearly Canadian was like, I'm gay. And then Seltzer is like, I'm now a woman. That's how you do it. Yes, exactly. But that's a great, it's a great mixer. So a good call there. And I got the Krusty the Clown mug too. That's pretty good. Sounded more like Mackie. But what'd you do for New Year's?

I did a gig in Brooklyn. I did Shafi Hussain, our buddy, did a show outdoors. It was great. Heated tents. Just worked out new shit. Brought Rachel Feinstein with me. We hung out, worked out new, had a few tequila, had a few Bud Light mangoes. Hey, that's great. Husband, the fireman, Pete. Oh, I love Pete.

It was fun. It was a good time. But New York is killing me because we tried to get dinner after the show. It's like 930. All right. We're walking around Brooklyn. See like, like all these cool restaurants. You're like, oh, let's go in one of these places. Literally all of them are like, we can't take you anymore. I'm like, it's fucking New Year's, dude. I know. It's I get that like the early curfew, but even I know it's a pandemic. I know like, look, we're being very careful. Like, but

The fact that this city closes down at 10 is like one of the most heartbreaking things. Never thought I'd see the day. And also coffee shops are closing. You used to get like eight or something for a coffee shop sometimes. It's like four now because they're like, yeah, no one's buying coffee past four. Right. He's closing down, you know, so it's killing me.

And it's cold out. That's the thing about New York. Like you'd always go like, all right, it's freezing, but I'll get a cup of coffee. I'll sit inside and write or listen to whatever podcast. Now you can't go inside. It's ruined. So what do you do? You got to stay in your apartment. It was brutal. We were walking around for a while and we found, you know, we've got like a pizza place and we're like, can we just like sit in your little heated area? And they were like, no.

We had to just like sit. This is being homeless. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Basically, I mean, we had money and we, you know, it's not homeless, but you know, but it's crazy what the city's become, man. It's just, I still love it. But the late night thing kills me. Like two bodegas by me that used to be open. One used to be open all night. It's closed at like eight now. Yeah.

It kills me. It's the worst, man. It's not worth the money. I get it. They don't want to stay open all night for that money, but damn.

I never thought I'd see the day. Like I went down to New Orleans for Thanksgiving and I was like, well, New Orleans, there are a bunch of degenerates, animals, that's going to be wide open. And they were shut down, which it's the right thing to do and all that. But I'm like, I never thought I'd see this. Like Bourbon Street was pitch quiet. You could drop a pin. It was insane. It's like the party animal from high school and he shows up in like a V-neck and a wife and he's sober. And you're like, dude, what the fuck?

What the fuck happened to you? I know. And you're, you're like proud of him in a way, but you're also like, dude, you're, you're in finance. What? You married a Mormon. What? It's crazy. Bourbon street. Wasn't supposed to work with numbers, man. Bourbon street. She was supposed to be a fuck up. It's a, it's a bummer. Yeah, exactly. Great way to put it. Charles, new Orleans, like the magazine street. It's like, those are like party streets. Those are like where the action is. So it's completely. Yeah.

You know, bourbon, bourbon's the guy who doesn't wear a condom and now he's like selling Trojans. It's weird. It doesn't, doesn't add up, but I get it. It's crazy times. Yeah. It's rough. So how was Tampa side splitters new years? I mean, it was great. We, we did a, we did a couple of shows and I did the countdown and the girlfriend came on stage and like gave me a glass of champagne at midnight. And then we did the arm thing and drank it. And,

You know, you try to stay safe. You try to wear a mask and all that, but it was mayhem, and then there's drugs, and, you

you know uh they they lock the door that's it's you and the staff and it's uh it's a it's a quite a brouhaha you just you just i just picture you with a switchblade in your mouth and a fucking syringe wrapping around you're like you try to keep it you know cool yeah i had a needle somebody's like what are you doing i'm like it's the vaccine don't worry but yeah it was uh it was wild then the next day you're hung i puked i haven't puked since 88 yeah

We went after it. I puked in the parking lot of the hotel. I drove driving. It was bad news. Luckily, it's an eight-minute drive. That's a trash move, man. A parking lot vomit. And there's nothing worse than you're hungover, you hate yourself, you're ashamed. The next day, the sun is shining, and you go out to get in the car, and you see the vomit. Ooh, yeah, that's rough. Eye-opener right there.

That's like seeing the blood after a murder. You're like, fuck, I did that? That's horrible. Yeah, exactly. And then you see the vomit, you get in your car, then you go drink during the day and hit the beach. And was it hard to do the shows that hung over? Well, here's the thing. I don't know why they do this, but there was no Friday show. So Thursday was New Year's, you go nuts, and then we had Friday off.

So it was perfect having a girl down here. Cause like we hit the beach, we got the, there's no like, Oh, it's almost showtime. I gotta, I gotta go honey. It was just all day, all night. Yeah. It's it's the, the hangover now. Like I I'm having to like watch it a little just cause the hangover pandemic hangovers are like next. It's a new level of depression where I can't, I'm like, I'm like, what am I doing? I'm too old for this shit. I'm a fucking loser. I,

Yeah, I'm panicking a little bit when I get that anxiety that's like I fucking meditated the other day I don't meditate. I'm not a meditator. Yeah, well you got to do what you got to do by the way worst worst James Cameron film The Meditator. Is that a real movie. No, no. Terminator joke. Yeah, that would be horrible but yeah, I'm an idiot.

The hangovers now, it's next level. It used to be I'm queasy, I'm puking, I'm mad at myself, I have shame. And now it's like anxiety on top of depression, on top of questioning your life choices. It's the 30s, man. It's a whole new level of hangover. Yeah, it's rough, man. I got to watch it a little bit. I'm trying to get back in it. My neck was out for like two months. So I'm just getting back into shape. I'm just like...

figuring out how to it's hard to get into shape in a pandemic because everything's fucking i know thing like literally you know i don't know it'll it'll get better it'll get better we're we're we're the we're at the beginning here of like the end i think beginning of the end i think you're right and also you were a basketball guy you were a uh i've been playing outdoors yeah oh swimming is killing me that was my thing well swimming is so good for there's all these health benefits and i was i was hitting the gym twice a week i don't want to be ripped i just like to

You are kind of ripped, though. Well, it was like a mental thing. It's like this discipline, and you're getting in the zone. And then if you break the chain, you feel horrible, and you got to get back into it. And I'm at my house now, like, let me lift this paint can for a minute, or let me hit this water jug. You're just trying to find heavy shit. I'm looking at my girlfriend. She's put on some weight. Whatever it takes.

It feels like lame Rocky is what it feels like. He's like going to town on a fucking... I'm looking at a Cornish hand. I'm like, what could I do with this shit right here? I don't know. A game bird? Can I do anything with that? It's brutal. It's hell. I was doing soup cans. I was doing literally soup cans on the floor trying to just figure some stuff out to strengthen my back. It's embarrassing. Yeah, whatever it takes. It is embarrassing. Somebody should do a video of that. Like,

home workout like you got the crushed tomatoes you know you're going over the head with a can or something that can be fun it is yeah and it's you know the thing is though it's like that's a great point because all these kettlebells and dumbbells on Amazon are sold out because everyone fucking was like I need weights

Yeah. By the way, who's getting more of a workout than the Amazon guy? He's got to deliver those kettlebells. So he doesn't realize that he's lifting weights literally on a delivery. That's like the Hedberg joke. He's a drug dealer. I don't even know it. He's a bodybuilder. I don't even know it. That's that fucking Hedberg joke. Damn. Hedberg is too good, man. What do you think of Joe List's theory about Hedberg is the ultimate feature?

Fuck that shit. Are you kidding me? He's the best deadpan one-liner guy ever. Are you kidding me? I don't know. Stephen Wright? Yeah, they're both up there.

Here's the thing about the one-liner guys. If you're going to be a one-liner guy, I'm talking Demetri Martin, Steven Wright, Jeselnik. Your persona has to be that big. I left Jeselnik off. He's great, obviously. You have to be a persona to be a one-liner. It has to make up for the fact that you're not

moving and you know acting out and and the jokes every word has to be so uh precise and meticulous like your whole exactly has to be so figured out uh yeah i mean hedberg has some some albums where he's just fucking bombing these are albums yeah totally totally also stephen wright only had that one album is my only thing true he had a new one later the first one is a it's one of the best albums ever that's amazing

I went to a diner that said breakfast anytime. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I mean. Incredible. Genius. I went to a convenience store. It said 24 hours, but they were closed. And he's like, I thought you said 24 hours. He's like, yeah, not in a row. Genius. They had some jokes on there that like blew. I didn't know you could write jokes like that. I lost my socks. I called information. I mean, come on. So good. Like next level abstract shit. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Yeah.

Who writes that and is like, that's a joke? Why is Steven Wright not on Twitter? He'd be fucking destroying Twitter. He's too good for it. He's too good for it, yeah. Twitter would ruin him. They'd be like, I'll give that a favorite. Fuck you. Although, Emo Phillips, great one-liner guy. He's great on Twitter. Great one-liner guy, great on Twitter. And another guy, proving my point, you got to have a big persona if you're going to be a one-liner guy. Yeah, one-liners are tough, man.

They are. I was a one-liner guy when I started for the most part, and it's just like, I just was like, I can't write hours like this. Yeah, you need a story every now and then. You need a chunk. You need a POV, you know? Well, not a lot of very personal one-liner guys, because how would you be? Good point. Good point. Personal is a big one where everybody's like, you got to be personal. You got to talk about your life and your family. But Carlin...

Not very personal. I never heard about his daughter or his marriage or anything. In his book. In his book, he writes about it. But you're right. Yeah. Last words, he talks about it. But not in a stand up. Brian Kiley, amazing one liners. Watch his Letterman's. Jimmy Carr. Oh, shit. You're right. There are some great one liner guys. Although I will say, you know who is kind of I mean, we've talked about him on the podcast before, but Nick Griffin has short jokes and is very personal.

Oh, good point. Good point. He's like probably as close to as what you get as like a one liner guy who's who's like kind of bearing his soul, you know? Yeah, that's true. He lets it all out and pretty clean. Like he'll throw a shit in every now and then or a fuck, but it's it's only when necessary. He he could do he could do an hour clean easy and you wouldn't notice.

That's a good point. Yeah, it's great when it's like it doesn't matter. When you're like watching a guy and you're like, I couldn't even tell that was dirty or clean. I just knew it was good. Bargatze's got that. He's just a good comic. You're not like, he's a great clean comic. He's just a killer comic. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I remember I did a show with someone once and I was laughing so hard. I forgot what clean comic was before me, but I was laughing so hard. And the booker was like, I didn't think you'd like him. And I was like,

the fuck are you talking about? It's comedy. It's like, I know. I like to laugh. I like good jokes. What is like, I think people make an assumption that you're only going to like people similar to you where sometimes it's the opposite. Usually it's the opposite. Yeah. I,

that's what's great about norm is norm is pretty clean and he's like this brilliant guy like the dog walker the hobo with the dog joke that's all clean ah it's a guy with a classic classic his last letterman was killer with the germans fighting world war ii fighting the world all that was gold what uh do you have any pet peeves this week oh geez uh here's the thing that happened that i want to run this by you yeah

This I'm going to sound like an asshole. I sound like a cunt, but yeah, they're boarding the planes back to front now because with COVID and I've never had more points and I want to use them. I want to get on first, but I'm boarding back to front. So I got to wait. You got a first class ticket and you're waiting.

Yeah, I mean, if you were just some, like, rich, shitty guy, I'd be like, fuck you. But you put in your time to get those miles. Like, you earned them. You're a road dog. I get a little annoying with status on flights because, like, we fly so much. Right. Like, I want to be in the Delta Club. I want to fucking... I know! I want to, like, hang out. You know, status flying is, like...

I want comfort if we're going to be flying this much. And we ate shit for years doing the road. We flew Frontier in spirit, no offense to those airlines. But, you know. They're the worst. They're the worst. They're the worst. I mean, how many times were you, I was in that back seat where you're like, all right, fuck it. I made it finally back here. But, oh, it doesn't recline because you hit the bathroom. Totally. How many times did you fall asleep face first into this tiny thing where I'm like, this is like, this should be illegal. Yeah.

This is like in Guantanamo. This is how they sit people. Why is my back so fucked up? My frame, for one thing. Probably that I never lifted weights to improve my back. But a third thing is all the travel. That's really what it comes down to. And yeah, I'm not going to ever begrudge

a fellow comedian for complaining about travel conditions ever. - I mean, yeah, and look, we're low maintenance. We're not these diva guys, but like I finally got all these points and these miles put together after years of road dogging at Funny Bones and Cincinnati's and you name it. And then we're now boarding back to front and I'm like, yeah, right when I get to this gold, I can't use it. - But not for now. I mean, not forever. I mean, it's a thing, right?

Yeah, it's a COVID thing, which, and look, I get it. It makes, it actually makes more sense, but Joe listed a great point not to bring him up again, but he's like, why don't planes? It should be like a baseball game. When you show up, you get your seat. It should be, I hate this, like boarding zone ones, like, look, open the door, let people come and go as they please. And then we'll take off. That's not a bad point. It's not bad. It's his point. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't hate it. I'm with it. You know why they do it? Because these come guzzling Nazis with their capitalism have to go, we can sell more because people want zone one. So we can get another 20 bucks out of this guy at the last minute. Oh, they take shit away every year. I mean...

I've read some statistics how much they save by like giving one less olive in a snack thing where you're like, oh, like you think about it, you're like, well, I guess it's a lot of money when you think about it, but also fuck you. It's a fucking olive.

Yeah. And I mean, they do the same with the olive. They do it with the inch. Like I remember a seat used to be pretty big. Now a seat's like three or two inches smaller than it used to be. And just, we're getting fatter and the seats are getting smaller. Not just fatter or bigger. Like look at, look at who played basketball in like the sixties. Yeah.

The center was like six foot three. Now they're like seven five. And it's like, why are the seats smaller? We're bigger. I think sometimes when I see pro athletes and I'm like, what about the guys who missed out? What if like Shaq? What if Shaq...

wasn't a basketball player. And he was just like some dude that worked at Barnes and Noble. And when he flew, he's like, I guess I got a sick coach. Like, are you fucking kidding me? That's a great point. That's a great, or he'd have to buy two seats and it would ruin his income. Yeah, you're right. That's a great point. And it's fucked up that I'll tell you tall people and fat people, the clothes are the same price, I think, which is interesting. Like a shirt for a fat guy and a tall guy is the same as a shirt for a skinny guy and a short guy.

So that's kind of nice. It's big and tall.

Oh, they have their own store. That's the store, big and tall. Are they more money? Because it seems like more fabric would... Look, real estate, you're getting more square foot, you're going to pay more in rent. Does it work that way with fabric? Kid's shoes, the same shoes are less expensive, so I would assume that if it was more, yeah, it would probably cost more. Also, if it's more custom-made and rare, which... True. You have a size 20 size foot, yeah, I'm going to assume you got to pay more for it. I don't know that for a fact. But

But that's kind of unfair that you're just born that way. You didn't do anything. And now you're fucked. It's a good point. That's kind of unfair. It's it's I mean, you're a minority in a way you're tall, by the way. Giants. Giants are a minority. Giants are a minority. And so are little people. Yeah. Yeah. They're really minor, but they get I feel like little people can have they have more options.

Like a little guy on a plane. Wouldn't you rather be a giant though? I would rather be a giant. Good point. Good point. At least a giant gets laid, I think. But a little person on a flight is first class no matter what seat he's in. That's true. It's all leg room. Yeah, but now you're just breaking down the little person to just flying. That's the problem. You're right. What about in the grocery store when he needs a giant to grab him from the top shelf? Good point. You're a little person. You can only drink bottom shelf liquor.

Well, I guess the point is in life, there's perks to everything and flaws to everything. True. I think I'll still take the giant because in my mind, I'm a giant. I can make the NBA. I just got to get a free throw down. I'm in. Right. It's more than that. That's not true. But yeah, I just think a giant, you have a better...

all around yeah yeah it is funny how like certain things are status like i see a giant dog in new york and i'm like in this fucking city you know i don't get that it's great well they must have a decent place or or right that's what i'm saying it's a status symbol a small little dogs people are like everywhere in new york i'm like no it's because we have smaller apartments in new

Right, right. It's almost like how fat in the Renaissance was a sign of wealth because you could afford all that food that you're so overweight. And that's the same with dogs now. You can afford the space. That's true.

That's a good point. Interesting. Yeah, it's funny how fat used to be. Although fat is still powerful sometimes. Like Tony Soprano, you're like, that's powerful. Good point. Good point. If you're like so fat and you're also successful, you're like, well, that person just doesn't care and they're fat. And that's kind of ultimate power. Hey, yeah. Not caring is the ultimate power. Going back to my robe bit that you helped me with. It's all about power. But yeah, you're right.

But you're going to have more health issues, but you're just like, yeah, I'm that rich. I'm that comfortable. I can make it work. Yeah. That's a good pet peeve. Let me go. Oh, you got it. I want to hear your pet peeve. You go first or whatever you're going to say. Well, I was going to say back to the tequila thing. Yeah. I've been sitting on this. You mentioned Clooney. You mentioned The Rock. Did you hear Clooney made so much money that he...

10 of his friends a million dollars each? I heard it was 14. Oh, was it 14? I could be wrong, but I thought it was 14. Yeah. Wow. What a guy. If you got the money, like...

you know, why not? Right. I, yeah, I think he made 500 mil. So I hope it wasn't like everyone in oceans 11 and then like three other friends. It wasn't like all his friends. Yeah. Matt Damon doesn't need it. Maybe the little Asian guy might, but Jesus, but I heard he gave it to like high school friends and college friends. I mean, that's the shit dude.

Can you imagine, like, fuck Oprah's look under your seat? He just blew her out of the water. Yes, you're right. He gave them all suitcases, like, out of the movies, where they flip it up, and they flop open, and it's just cash. It'd be so great if they got tailed and someone robbed them. Now that's an Ocean's Eleven. The Ocean's Fourteen. He's like, who's doing it? Ironically, it's Andy Garcia. That's who got you back. Stole the money back. Right, right. Yeah, that's a whole other movie.

But what a cool dude. Yeah, what a fucking dude. Clooney is, I just watched an interview with him and he's talking about Out of Sight, which I think is a great movie from the 90s. Soderbergh, I think. Soderbergh. And he's talking about how he and Soderbergh could not make a hit. Like they both were like dying to make a hit. And people were saying like Clooney's not a movie star, which like it's hilarious. If you look at him, you're like, the dude's Cary Grant. He's a movie star. Yes.

He's like as movie star, but he's also just like got it. Like, how do you not see that he's even on ER? You're like, yeah, this dude fucking rules. Like, yeah. Great actor and good looking, but they were, they were, uh,

He was saying Soderbergh and him could not get shit. No one wanted to work with either of them. And then they kind of just teamed up. And it's like, well, look what happened. They fucking out of sight. Also, I don't think did that well at the box office. But it got so much critical success that it didn't matter. People were like, oh, this is a great movie. Great movie. Cheadle is a killer. Albert Brooks. Brooks. Ving Rhames. I mean, come on. It was such a cool, stylized movie.

Yeah, Steve Zahn's underrated, by the way. So underrated. Great actor. Saving Silverman. That thing you do. Great comedic actor. He's great. Yeah, that movie ruled. I love that movie. I love movies like that where they actually give a shit. I know the box office doesn't care, but any kind of movie like that where it's very artistic looking and you can tell the director has a vision.

And the dialogue kicks ass. Like, the opening scene... You should just YouTube this if you haven't seen it. Clooney robs a bank, and the way he does it is so fucking evil and with a smile. It's so, like, not how you think of him. Where he just is...

He's just telling this poor little bank clerk, he's like, if you don't put the money away, I'm going to shoot your friend in the head over there. That's my friend talking to your friend. And of course, he doesn't even know the guy. That's not his friend. This is just a shtick. By the way, shtick was a Jewish way to talk about a bank robbery in history. That's his shtick. That's his little routine. But the way he delivers this is like, it was badass. It was like a cool, cool scene. Super cool. And

Oh, shit. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, so cool. I read this article about Clooney because you want to hate the guy. Not hate him, but you want to be like, all right, let me find a flaw in this guy. He's too handsome. He's too suave. But he's...

obsessed with directing he wanted to direct so he got into hollywood just so he could direct which i think is so cool like he said i'll do facts of life i'll be the handyman literally the handyman on facts of life which is just some rinky dink sitcom and he just worked his way up slowly and then he directed good night and good luck and it was like a great movie yeah that's all he wanted to do well before that i think he directed confessions of a dangerous mind oh yeah that's right also a really cool movie i mean yeah he's great i love the guy

Yeah, and Sam Rockwell is another killer that no one talks about. Ah, he's doing fine. People talk about him. All right. I hope.

he's he's doing great he's doing a lot of shit i hope so i worry about these guys he's looking at me where i'm like do people know about this guy he's doing great he's in fucking he probably works more than he can and then he can fill his schedule his agent's probably like dude you're good i hope so i hope so sam rockwell really i

I don't know, I mean, he's not like, he should be on TMZ or Front Page News, a variety, Moon is killer. First off, if you're on TMZ these days, you either cheated or you're dead. So you don't wanna be on TMZ. Good point. He was in Charlie's Angels as the villain like 20 years ago. That was like, he's working. He's been working forever. Good. That Martin McDonagh movie with Francis McDormand, he's working everywhere. That's right, three billboards or whatever. Yeah, he's in a ton of shit. Good point.

All right, all right. Thank God.

I turned to my aunt there. I'm like, I've never heard of him in anything. And I'm like, he's in 18 movies last year. Dude, Moon. He's in like, go to his IMDb and you're like, this dude's in every movie. That's true. You're right. Seven Psychopaths he was in recently. Yes. He's just that good. He just like slipped into a role. No, he's fucking awesome, but he's doing fine. He's not, I'm not worried about him. All right. If they're not at the top of the Forbes list, I'm like, oh, this guy's struggling. He's probably homeless. I'm worried about him.

No, he's all right. But it just feels like if you've got a liquor now, it used to be like in the 90s, Michael Jordan opened a steakhouse. Holy shit, he's made it. And now you got to have a liquor.

Oh, Jordan had everything. Jordan had a cologne. That's true. It smelled like dog shit. Jordan just like... That was like the 90s, I feel like. Just put your name on fucking anything. Yeah. Well, the sneakers were such a hit that I think he was like, what else? Let's keep going. Sneakers are like the all-time biggest. I mean, because he was with Nike when Nike was shit. You saw that in the doc, right? Yeah, that's right. That's right. Isn't that crazy to think Nike was like...

a middle-of-the-road shoe company. That's insane. It's insane. Zion got into... No, it was Steph Curry. Under Armour? Yeah, he got a fat deal. But that's the way to do it. Everyone makes fun of him because his sneakers do look like geriatric nurse shit. They don't look great, but that's how you do it, man. I think. The 90s were like, throw your name... I was thinking about this because

Because remember Bill Hicks had that famous bit about how Leno is a sellout because he did Doritos commercials? Yeah. And literally now if Bill Hicks were a comic, he'd have a podcast where he'd be like, all right, fuck the world, fuck Trump, fuck everyone, fuck Biden. Adam and Eve. AdamandEve.com. Ha ha.

All your dildos and sex. He would do fucking anything now. You're right. You're right. That's so true. I guess he shat on Leno because Leno was like at the, he was on the Tonight Show already. He's like, how much do you need? But I still think about that where it's like,

fuck it man who gives a shit at this point i know once i saw david cross do alvin and the chipmunks i was like all right this is the like altius kind of like uh on the fringes guy ever and he's doing chipmunks like come on the guy's trying to pay his mortgage you know david cross gave shit to every comic in the 90s who did i know like that and now he's doing alvin and the fucking chipmunks come on man exactly they all they all

fall through because you got to pay the bills and you want a boat or you want a house in Catalina, whatever it is. So I get it. Who's the joke on really like, oh, fuck you sell out. You're like, I'm doing, I'm hocking Doritos so I can have a helicopter.

Yeah, it's fucking dumb. I don't get it. But I also think, like, now I see Kevin Hart on TV so much where I'm like, I'm watching the Knicks game the other night, and his ad played literally every break to the point. I'm like, I got to mute the TV because it's making me fucking insane. And then I'm like, he's getting paid every time that comes on. And I'm literally like, he's getting paid so much that I'm like, I can't hear anymore. Stop it. Yeah, he's a guy where I'm like, I get it. You're 5'1", you're hustling, but like...

Take a breather, man. Like I like to work with. That's why he's that big, dude. I guess so. Because he was, I remember I was like, I remember I was on, what's that show in Indianapolis where they fucking hated me? Crackers? Yeah, but what's the morning show they do? Oh, Bob and Tom. Oh man, so I'm bombing on that shit. And he called in to promote a new movie. It's like, he's like, he's, that's how he's wired. He'll call the local Indianapolis show and,

Oh, my God. That's how you that's how you get that successful. You're like, you know. Yeah. I heard a story about him back when he was like a young comic in Philly, like just starting to headline. He would stand outside after his show. He'd kill. Then he'd sit outside after a show with like a Marvel composition book and go, hey, if you like the show, write your email down.

And I'll email you next time I'm in town. And so, you know, a hundred people would write their email down and literally he would put it in, you know, by hand one by one. And then next year he would hit them up again and they would come back out and he would sell out everywhere. I tried to do that after I heard him say that on Marin, I think. And I tried to do that. And I got, I got bored.

It's insane. One by one was a lot. And also, like, it's a fucking insane... You start trying to look at people's handwriting. You're like, is it a three or an A? Right, right. I've seen people do it with, like, the iPad, but now it's like, just fucking follow me on social media, man. Don't make me... Like, I have to do... We have to do so much shit that...

that the people that came before us didn't have to do like jerry seinfeld didn't have to cut up clips and get them captioned and be like like find like the amount of content that we have to put out to stay relevant now like i don't want to hear it from our fucking elders dude i don't i get it man i mean i love the guys i respect them but like i don't want to hear it you were able to tour with the same fucking hour

No, you do one tonight show or one whatever Leno Letterman and you were in like Letterman. Not one. I shouldn't say that. But like that was that was the social media was TV. That was it. You do an evening at the improv. They were gatekeepers, but still like, dude, I feel like we have to do like the amount of Carson's it used to take to be a star. We have to do like specials now. Oh, that's good. That's a good way to put it.

I think you're right. Like Bill Burr said it best. He's like a special is now just an advertisement for the road. Like here, if you like some of this, come see me on the road where the special used to be a special. This, it was almost like a movie. Like, here we go. This is it. You get popcorn. You'd call your friends. You put on HBO and you watched it. Now it's like, here's an ad for,

for my road shit come see me on the road that's a good point i thought of a carson bit that this this would never work with anyone but a comic but like you ever going down on your girlfriend and she's coming and she gives you the little motion up to come up and fuck yeah that's like the equivalent of the carson like you made it to the couch yeah yeah right that's like that'll that'll never make a that'll never make a anyone but a comic even smile or like that's my one yeah see i never got to the couch when i eat a girl out i just get this

Yeah, perfect. Which is what he used to do when he didn't get to the couch. But yeah. Oh, I got it. I loved it. Yeah, only a comic would get that. So what's your pet peeve? We went off on a whole nother tangent. I got a few. I'm trying to think which one to do it with. Here's, I think this might be mine. So, all right, I'll try this one. Meditation is, all right, I'm trying it. It's very hard. I know you're not into it.

I tried it. I really gave it a real shot, like 10 tries and I can't do it. You're too restless, I think. That's my guess. Here's my thing. I tried. I even called, you know, I talked, I textless and call him, but I, we were texting for a while about it. And I was like, tell me what to do. He's in a TCM. I'm, I'm very base level beginner.

TCM, Turner Classic Movie. What is that? I know it's transcendental. Yes, it's a Humphrey Bogart meditation. It's when I do Edward G. Robinson, you go, she? That's how you meditate. That's my mantra, see? Right, right.

Well, what is TCM? TCM is Transcendental Meditation. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So I'm doing very base level shit. I'm doing like Headspace, the app I just started. And look, it drives me insane. Some of the, like I'm there because I have bad depression I'm trying to deal with. And, you know, you have this crippling depression and the guys are like, this is for depression.

notice everything in your room. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, yeah, smells. I'm like the smells I'm here because I'm fucking miserable. You want me to like, I'm going to be like, what is that? A takeout Chinese? I'm cured. Thank you. Right. Right. Yes. Yes.

My leftover is great. It drives me insane. So that's one. Yeah, that's one that's driving me crazy. The whole like feel you notice everything in your body. It's a pandemic, dude. I can't. I haven't been exercising. Like it's like literally everything that's like triggering my fucking mental illness already. Yeah.

I'm with you. I mean, they go, listen, do you hear the fan? Focus on the fan. You're like, I hear the fan, but I also hear the hobo in the street yelling, and he's talking about the aliens and the Jews and whatever. And you're like, this is not helping. Notice all the sounds. What is it, a black Israelite? What the fuck was that?

is he in the hallway how'd he get here right right exactly it's exactly new york maybe it's not the best place to meditate you hear sirens and shit yes gunshot but then you have that moment where you're like well maybe they're worse off than me and that maybe gives you a little boost but it you know it's uh that's not bad it's it's a lot right now i'm gonna stick with it as long as i can but uh try it i guess but yeah it's

There are a lot of them. There's some for creativity. I just want to like, I think the focusing on the breathing, I get that. I can, I can get down with that. That's good. But it might be a bit, maybe you have this bit, but it just seems weird that you have an app for meditation. The phone is the whole struggle with frustration and addiction. Is that yours? No, it's not mine. Oh, okay. But yeah, like it's just weird that I'm going to the phone again.

to escape but i'm back on the phone it just feels counterproductive like literally everything is in the phone the the dating apps the yes the email porn twitter everything everything negativity whatever just pictures with my pictures with my mom it's all there yeah good point

Yeah, so meditation I think would be my pet peeve, but I'll stick with it. I'll stick with it. They say it takes practice. I'll report back. What about a rec? Any good recommendations? Oh, baby. Well, this is going to be a weird one. Hit me. I love it. I'm going outside the box here. We usually do movies, music, documentary, whatever it is. It's anything. It's what we make it. All right. So it's a drink. It's one more drink. It's a boozy show.

I got to recommend, and I wish I had one on me. There's a, you know, there's White Claw, there's Bud Light, whatever, Seltzer. There's all these weird ones, but High Noon. I drank it all Christmas. It's a great, it's not a Seltzer beer, whatever you call it. It's a actual vodka and Seltzer drink. It's not like a malt liquor. It's actually liquor.

And you can get it at the corner store. They have it? Yeah, it's the same shape. It's like the skinny can, but it's a great, great substitute where you actually are drinking a cocktail in a can instead of just drinking malt liquor, which is White Claw. They're really whittling their way into the corner store. I feel like some of those corner stores weren't allowed to sell the hard liquor. They were only allowed to sell the beer. And now they're kind of finding ways in. Right, right. It's a good way in and like

A lot of people think these White Claws are healthy for you. It's just corn syrup and other shit and chemicals. It's still bad for you. It's just better than beer, fat-wise. Less calories, right? Less calories. But this one is actually a liquor and a seltzer in a can. And I can't recommend it enough, and the hangover wasn't so bad. I don't think that's healthy.

Well, I'm not saying, you know. This one's actually hard liquor. All right. Probably still not healthy. There's no chemicals, though. It's just liquor and seltzer, and we're moving on with our life in a can. It's not like, it's not trying to trick you. Yeah.

yeah i don't think anyone with the white claw people i i hear you i don't think any of them are health junkies i don't think any of them are like wait a minute you know i think girls like them like women like them because they're low-cal well they're good they are five tonight they're fucking great they haven't the club oh yeah i mean all the clubs have them yeah that's great beach all that shit now white claws

Damn good. You know, it's good when like every other brand is fat you and your shit. I see Corona. I see Bud Light. They're all stealing it. Yeah, they're all stealing, but High Noon's a little different and they taste great. And I had like 10 of them. The hangover is not that bad. It's a little more pure. It's still shit. It's all in a can, but it's liquor and not malt liquor with flavors.

That's interesting. I'll give it a go. Yeah. I mean, I like making my own shit, but also it's a good idea. Sometimes when you want to go to the, when you want a drink on the walk or something, it's kind of, yes, especially pandemic man. It's getting cold, but I'll tell you these New York shows.

It's crazy. We're still we're still keeping them going. They got the heat lamps on people. I like the outdoor vibe. So it's kind of still feels guerrilla style. So kind of exciting to me. So totally. I'm sticking with it. I did that phantom power. I know it's not New York, but that phantom power joke and PA on your recommendation. And it was like people out there with blankets as barrel fires as heat lamps. And they were great.

It's great, man. I, I, the outdoor thing is like, I mean, I think after this pandemic, I'm done with it forever. So I'm trying to be like, let's really enjoy it. I don't think I'm going to be hitting people up for the rooftops once the comedy cellar is open, but, uh, no, we did our time. Do you think that, I think one good thing about the pandemic and I hate it, I'm ready to get out. It's a, it's a bitch.

But we're going to appreciate the shit out of everything. Every diner hang, every restaurant, every bar night, every flight, everything. It's just going to be special again. I agree. Yeah, I saw this Buddhist saying. I'm paraphrasing it, but it's something about to have extreme joy, you must have extreme pain as well. And I'm kind of like, I didn't need this much joy, dude. I would have been happy at like a three or four. I know. I didn't need...

You know, it's not like we didn't enjoy these diner hangs to begin with. We loved every minute of them. Oh, dude, I feel like how many times we text each other like we have such good lives. We were like we did. Yeah, we were grateful. I feel like that's a good point. We had gratitude. We'll be even more grateful. But I mean, how often do we like text each other like we just hung with one of our heroes like we fucking we paid attention. Yeah, we were present.

That's true. Well, we had such normal lives. We're very normal guys. That's what I love about comedy. Now I'm getting drunk and I'm spitting jizz here. I'll go one more. Why not? There you go. One more drink. This actually feels like hanging out. I love it. This was a tall glass here and I'm at the bottom and I had a bunch of white claws, but

This is what's great about comedy, and I know this has been said before, but Mick Jagger is never going to see some guitar player at a bar and go, we should hang out. And yet we've hung out with Dave Attell and Seinfeld and Bill Burr and all these fucking legends because comedy is so much less pretentious than everything else.

And we're normal guys. Like, you meet these actors and they're fucking cunts. They're the worst. You're like, you're not even living on Earth. You're so out to lunch, these actors. And you're right. There's still a connection to like to bar life and still like, yes, some of the bar life is very interesting.

egalitarian. You're all in the bar together. There's something that's very everyman about bars. That's kind of what I love about them. It's called a pub. It's public. That's the whole thing. Public. And there's something about once you become too famous, we always say you're not funny anymore. Usually. There's a few exceptions, but when you're too famous, a lot of times you're not funny because you don't have a connection to reality and...

you know, a lot of actors are weighted hand on foot, hand and foot, and you're just not a person anymore. You don't, I mean, I'm not saying, of course these actors like work for their shit. So many of them work for their shit. I mean, that's a type of rejection that's, I think to me, more painful than what we do. Good point. The waiting around,

and all that shit. Yeah. But like, we at least can make our own opportunities. We're like, shit, a pandemic. We'll start our own show. You know? Right, right. Like, there is something cool about that, where as actors, you kind of have to wait on a show. Like, I watched this thing, and it was cool, but it's just so weird. Like, it was Christine Baranski, Meryl Streep, and Audra McDonald. They sang a song from Company, the Stephen Sondheim show. And it was on fucking Zoom. What the fuck?

Oh, really? And it was cool. They were all incredible. I was like, shit, I didn't know Meryl Streep could sing. You're like, fucking A, man. Wow. But they all had amazing voices, and it was a cool production. That is cool. But it's on Zoom. But they're still doing someone else's words. Like, we can still kind of make them. Right. You know, like, and that is kind of cool. And there is something about...

how accessible comics are that it's good and it's bad like i'm sure yes every once in a while i go a little crazy i'm like but then i'm also like i do like that i know who's coming up i do like that right that guys ahead of us know about us it's like there is something and i i'm sure it's all the same in different art forms different mediums or whatever but uh there is something in comedy where like they really a lot of the legends are pretty cool

Yes. Yeah. The funny ones are usually cool. It's funny how the mean ones are always like, I always thought you were a hack anyway. But isn't it amazing how they're like shitty to you on the way up and you're just like, I'm going to pass you, dude. Like you're fucking. It's weird. It's weird. I remember someone did that to me at the strip once at the comic strip. I was auditioning and they did like an American Idol style thing. And they just like trashed the auditioning comics. And it was a hell gig. I had to wait.

for fucking ever you know and that auditioned me so many times this trip it's crazy these clubs wanted to be so fucking loyal i know so badly on the way up and i still have love for this trip because i'm like who cares it's all sure i still love it but like some of the shit they put you through and then you're getting critiqued by like a fucking like a restaurant host basically like who are you're not gonna be around man i know

So then, so then one of the, they had comics sign up or something like in my head, like what comics in their fucking right mind are signing up to critique other comics? Like it's so uncomic. Like what? Right. So anyway, I remember a comic I didn't respect was like, eh, little hacky. And I was like, you're the fucking, I want to be like, you're the biggest fucking hack I've ever seen. Of course. Yeah.

And, yeah, and another guy was like, eh. And then I remember I auditioned again the week later in two comics I respected, Judge, and they gave me love. And it's like, you know, it's so fucking dumb. There you go. The people that are shitty to young comics on the way up, it's like, that's on you. That's in your fucking toxic world.

You're insecure. It's projection. They're all projecting. You know, like I have some doubts and I have some thoughts. So I'm going to put that shit on you. It's all fucked up. It makes me sick. And you see these celebrities now, like Wonder Woman or whoever the fuck is doing these like black and white. Yeah. She's doing these black and white things. All these actors. Imagine. Yeah. And you're like, Oh,

That was rough. And I get it. They have good intentions and maybe they're donating and all that. But they're out of touch. They're out of touch. Of course. I don't know her. I don't know. I mean, like, you know, like, I know she's also done a lot of good. Like, I'm sure she's inspired a ton of little girls. There aren't many female superheroes. The funny thing is, I didn't even see Wonder Woman, but...

From what I saw, like, there's so few female superhero movies. I saw Birds of Prey. I thought that was a good movie. But that movie, fuck it. That's like an edgy female superhero movie and it fucking bombed. Ah, interesting. I think it bombed because it looked a lot like Suicide Squad. And I think that was horrible. But it was actually a good movie. But yeah, with Gal Gadot, it's like...

It's just that I'm famous. I'm surrounded by people like she's gorgeous. She's surrounded by people who are just like, let me do this. Let me, let me dab your head here. Let me, let me do your hair. Make sure nothing is wrong at any time.

Maybe you need a pimple sometimes. Yeah, that sinks in. But, and look, my point is, I'm not, I don't want, I don't know why we got off on her. I'm not trying to single her out, but like, I'm just saying the out of touchness is comics. Our whole job is to attack that and not be that. And, and,

and fucker and joke about people who do do that. And that's what I love about this business. The good comics call out bullshit. Yeah, we call out bullshit. We make fun of that. It's policing kind of pretension. And some comics, let's be honest, they get wrapped up in the celebrity. They get caught up in it, yeah. Well, yeah, absolutely. But you said it very well, policing pretension. And there's something about it like,

The idea that like, I'm sure people are talking about this to death, but the idea that you singing, imagine like the country's bleeding money. People are out of work. Small businesses are crumbling. I know session. People are pressed out of their mind. She's like, what if I sang a song?

you know it's like there's something tone deaf about that so right it's like it's a lack of awareness but then also like it feels arrogant and yes it is a bummer when you see comics pop up in that shit because you're like ah you're better than that and you know better than that completely completely or maybe you're not who the fuck knows yeah maybe you're not and it tends to be the funny ones the funniest comics are the ones who are

kind of void of that like no matter how much you do to them you praise them you shower them with compliments and money and fame they it's still in there there's that like how many times you put on a leather jacket and you hear every voice in your head going yeah you look great but what are you kidding you can't pull this off you're not gonna go out you're gonna go outside with this thing you what are you fonzie get the fuck out of here we'll give you a pass during a special but other than that go fuck yourself go fuck yourself it is there's something about comics uh

that we're like almost supposed to be the kids that didn't get into the party, I think. - Yes, oh completely. - We're like on the outside, like I know a guy just let us in. They're just like, sorry, you're not. - Yeah. - I remember Quinn once said, we're supposed to be the losers.

Yeah, that's why we're funny. And it's like, I don't know. We have to be like fucking losers, but we don't. But we shouldn't be the winners of the winners. And that is like, yes, that keeps when you're winning. What's funny? Unless unless you're like delusional, unless you're like like Danny McBride winning or something. Yeah, that's funny. Or Rodney Dangerfield winning words like that. It works if you're like in back to school or some shit. But like, yeah, yeah, it usually it is a hard pull off.

It's also Rodney looks the way he does. That all factors in. I remember Julie Louis-Gervais had a great point about Kramer. She's like, he thinks he's the funniest guy in the room. And he's like this unemployed hipster doofus with high hair and a shirt from the 40s.

That's why he's funny. He thinks he's the guy, but he's not the guy. And we all know he's not the guy, but he thinks it's like Tom McCaffrey. He's cocky. And he's a, he's a fucking Joe Schmo from New York. And he thinks he's this hot shit and that's fucking gold. Those of you that don't know Tom McCaffrey, great joke writer. Brilliant guy. New York guy, but he talks like a Valley girl for some reason. He'll be like, I'm awesome. Right. I'm so good at comedy. That's how he would talk. And he would do jokes. Like I just, uh,

I just read Jenna Jameson's autobiography. The movie was better. He was great. I mean, such a funny dude. Such a funny dude. Such a great joke writer. Plus he had the persona. That's why like, you know, people always say, oh, good looking comics. They don't work. They don't work. And you're like, they do work. If you're smart enough to know about like Daniel Tosh is a good looking guy, but he's like, I'm going to go.

in on that. And that's why he's clever. That's why he made it. You brought up Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She's gorgeous. She's still beautiful. Yeah. She doesn't age. Funny's funny, man. That's the other thing. But she is playing, even on Veep, she's playing a fucking mess. She's succeeded to the... It's funny. It's also just inherently funny that you were the Veep. That you've ascended to the highest level

Oh, wait. No, you didn't. Great point. You're right here. So, yeah, I think she's so good at just like still being self-deprecating and still being, I mean, she's incredible. I love Julie Louis-Dreyfus. I was on Colbert with her once and I was so bummed I didn't get to meet her. What? So bummed. No, she's a beast. That was like, it's rare that I'm like, I need to meet you. Yes. Just a hello. Oh, God, that kills me you didn't meet her. We didn't cross paths.

Wow. So many hours of my life have been watching her and just been in awe. You know, I mentioned the Bisk. I mean, I know all, I know everything. I've watched Veep, I've watched Seinfeld. And she was on SNL for like 10 minutes. Legend. Legend. Also, rich kid. Her dad's like an oil tycoon. Oh, but no, beyond rich, beyond rich. They're like, are they Vidal Sassoon?

I don't know about that. Somebody Google that. Give that a go. I don't know about that. We don't have anyone here. I thought he was like an oil guy or a ship magnate, something like that. She's great. She's great and hot and rich and still funny. I love her. My rec, I've been telling you about this. I don't know if you got on it yet. Rick and Morty. I got to get on this. Okay. Let me tell you something. First off. Please. Please.

The show is great. I think the fans push people away. The fans are annoying. The fans of Rick and Morty. Yes. Or religion. This is a real Catholic church of a show here. And no, it's fantastic, man. It's like, it's so out there. You know what I love about it? It's basically quick rundown. It's just like,

a grandfather who's the smartest guy. He's the smartest guy in the world. He's a genius scientist. He's created portals that can go anywhere, other dimensions. He's also funny as shit. He's quick with a one-liner. And he takes his grandson on all these adventures. And...

Just so many great plots. And the idea that... I think there's something about all the chaos and disorder in the world right now. The fact that this guy's in complete control of all of it and no one can beat him because he's this omnipotent type of being is providing a lot of comfort right now for me. Interesting. And it's really...

Dan Harmon created it who's fucking brilliant the guy is so so fucking funny yeah highly recommend highly great premise just just hearing the premise because I've watched one or two and I was like it's okay and I don't know if I get it what am I missing because I was like the jokes aren't amazing but I think when you're like oh it's a grandfather delivering a joke I was like

I think I was missing something. Oh yeah. I was, I was walking with Ryan Hamilton, our buddy the other day and Ryan goes, Ryan loves the show too. And Ryan goes, yeah, the grandpa almost is like a tell to me where he's like this kind of wisecracking guy that keeps winning. Like when you picture a tell on stage, you like, he never loses in even the slightest, you know, even a joke misfires, he saves it. And that's kind of like what the grandpa does. He's like this genius, uh,

but he's he farts and he burps there's like no you talked about no pretension like that's what that show has for me where he he has the wittiest lines but then he'll like fart and you're like it's so rare a guy just burps while he talks it's fucking interesting it takes your second like is he burping and you're like oh they just have a guy who burps so right okay all right all right i'm in i'm gonna do it i'm in on it

Is it, there's a pilot though. Is it on YouTube or where is it? HBO max. Okay. Okay. I have that. All right. I'm going to do it. I'm going all in. Best streamer right now. All right. I'm in. Oh, and I watched soul on your recommendation. What'd you think? Give me the honest. Very, very good. I really liked it. Pretty good. It's.

I saw Nikki Glaser tweeted, soul was okay, which made me laugh. Because it's like literally every person I see is like, it's the greatest movie I've ever seen. Right. I know, I loved it. I'm not saying it's the greatest, but for a kid's movie, it's pretty damn deep. I'll tell you this, it doesn't feel like a kid's movie to me. No, no, that's how good it is. I'm like, what fucking kid is into this movie? It's like about death. Afterlife, souls, all that metaphysics. Yeah, it's crazy. That's my critique. It didn't feel like a kid's movie.

I enjoyed the movie I'm just saying I watched this movie about death and purgatory and accepting that your life is over and giving up on your dreams it felt very much like where we're at right now yes I watched it with Ryan Hamilton again and Ryan even commented as he runs down the steps to go into the jazz club he's like

That may as well have been the comedy seller. Exactly. So the fact that he has to like give up on his dreams and it's like, you have all those moments where you're like, this will be the time that I figure it all out. And it felt very, it felt very relevant, especially now. Somebody had a great point. I was talking to him about soul and they were like, it kind of just completely negates religion.

You know, it's just like there's an afterlife or there's a there's no like heaven or hell. It's just like we're souls. This is how it works. And I was like, oh, shit, you're right. Never thought about it that way. Interesting. Yeah. That's weird for some kids, I'm sure. Yeah. I just it didn't feel like a kid's movie. Like I get how like even up as a kid's movie, even with that fucking depressing opening. Oh, yeah. But but then you think about it, like all those movies have some weird plot.

parental shit or like yeah it's like bambi even going back or like uh lion king they all have something yeah yeah my guess is how you how you introduce a kid to all this stuff let me ask you a slightly offensive question while i have you we're talking about kids movies somebody told me fievel goes west is a jewish kids movie never heard of it what five years

The mouse? I don't know it. Wow. Okay. Maybe not then. If you don't know it as a Jewish fella, I feel like you would know it. I'm not the spokesperson. I know, but you grew up in that era. I never heard of this. Fievel Goes West. Wow. Okay. I might have seen it when it came out, but I was five when this came out, so I don't...

I figured that was right up your anal. Bible Goes West. What was your go-to movie as a kid? What was your favorite kids' movie? I loved Aladdin. Huge Aladdin fan. Interesting. I liked him. I liked that Robert Williams was in it. It felt like actually a funny movie for kids. Gilbert Gottfried? Yes, Gilbert, Robin. It was great. It was a great combo. So there's comics in it. So I always loved Aladdin.

But let's see. Go to, I mean, I grew up fast with, I watched Animal House when I was like five, you know? What? I was way too young. My parents had a- You don't even get it though at five. You're like, what am I watching, right? I just love the fact that these guys were living life and going crazy and all that. Yeah.

It says so much about you that you watch Animal House at five. Caddyshack, all that shit. I love Bill Murray. He was my hero. What about Bob? Bill Murray was my guy too. That's interesting. Like I rewatched Groundhog Day and I was just like, man, I loved him so much. Like,

I still love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just like cool. We talk about like, it's funny how we just shat on comics for being cool. Cause I do think Bill Murray had like a cool vibe. It was always like very like, okay. Like it was always, it was always like, he'd always say like, go fuck yourself without saying go fuck yourself. Yes. Yes. He was kind of a cunt, but you loved him, but he was an every man.

but he was smarter than everybody, but he was also depressed. I mean, he had so many layers and he could just deliver a line and you felt like you were in on it and they weren't. I mean,

It was brilliant. Yeah, I remember quick change. I love how much this podcast just devolves into movie talkers. We're both fucking nerds. We're both movie nerds. But I remember quick change. I loved when I first saw it. Love it. Love that one. What about Bob is funny as shit, too. So funny. But as a comic, I'm so insecure. I got to get a laugh every 10 seconds. I got to have punchlines out the ass. And he could just milk it and sit in it. And I loved it. And I think I'm kind of like in awe of that.

Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, sometimes we got to sit in it. I mean, we're both, I think, similar in that way where...

We both need that bam, bam, bam. Yeah. And sometimes you got to just say, no, let me, because I think we see some of the problems. You see some of those guys that take too much time and we're like, I don't want to do that. Yes, exactly. But when you do it just right, there's nothing better. I mean, like, I think Freud would say laughter is a release of tension and, and there's no greater release than when you make them work for it a little bit as an audience. So like, yeah, I think Murray kind of mastered that. Yeah.

Well said. Yeah, great point. What do you think about now with like younger people, like my girlfriend is seven years younger than me and movies to her, you know, we quote Goodfellas, we quote Bill Murray, we can quote Moshe.

most movies, movies had such an impact. And she's like, oh, I never saw this. I'm like, you never saw Coming to America? She's like, I've never heard of it. I'm like, oh my God. I had to show a girl Coming to America, yeah. Yeah. And then you turn to that dude, you're like, oh, I'm just the dude. Like, I'm that dude cliche. Like, you need to see this movie. Yes, yes. I'm like, you've never seen Pulp Fiction? Pulp Fiction, like, changed my life, changed the way I looked at things in the world. She's like, I've never seen Pulp. I'm like, oh my God.

Our buddy Ronan Hirshberg, I was talking to him today and he said the funniest thing to me where he said, you know, I'm alone in this pandemic. I'm alone. So I'm just watching great movies. He's like, that's what you do when you're alone. You're not going to like shit on a movie by yourself. Like I'm not going to say it alone. I was like, oh, that's such a fucking great point. That's a great point.

So he's like, I'm just watching like Citizen Kane. And you're like, that's kind of, it gets boring when you're only watching greatness. You kind of want to watch like something you could, you want to watch like Point Break every once in a while, you know? Right, right. My point is- You need nachos after a filet every now and then. Oh, of course. And there's nothing better than watching like

speed with someone I think speed is a good movie but like yeah it doesn't better than watching a movie like that and just like I mean Keanu's acting in that movie like he's gotten way better that wasn't like Pete Keanu yet you know good point yeah so it's like you can still kind of shit on the acting a little bit I kind of I kind of what's the line again

pop quiz hot shot pop quiz hot shot oh dude jeff daniels is in it for like five minutes and dennis hopper is the villain i mean that movie's all over sandra bullock is like a young starlet that movie's great i saw that in the theater sandra bullock yeah dude dennis hopper is a villain so fucking funny oh yeah what do you do what do you do there's a wildcat behind the wheel wildcat

uh cameron from ferris bueller's in that he's like the annoying country guy i love him dude succession yeah great actor underrated pops up everywhere too he would like pop up on sitcoms even when he wasn't where he was in like scrubs city spin dude he's great on spin cities right he's in a great episode of justified too he plays uh he plays a complex character for one episode it's great but uh

Yeah, dude. Something about those shitty movies, too. But I've definitely dated girls where you have to be like... I'm not an annoying guy to date, but there's a couple you gotta see. I'm sorry. I know! Come on! What are you doing? It's like saying you never heard this Beatles song or you never heard Stairway to Heaven or, you know, like an Elvis tune. It gets weird after it's part of American culture. Goodfellas is a must, although I'll die on this hill. Sopranos is fucking way better, dude. Ah...

Well, it's a different animal. It's a different animal. But like when you got that type of animal, like it's like, OK, it's like we're talking like a little animal. I found a way bigger animal to weigh more meat. Why am I going back to that little animal?

There's more me. I mean, you could, there's seasons, there's years and years of development, character and psychology, a therapist. I mean, imagine you have a therapist with Joe Pesci. Goodfellas is incredible and I'll always love it. I'm just saying Supremacist is like my favorite thing, but I do think like, yeah, Godfather's incredible. Godfather 2 is incredible. Like you rewatch some of these movies.

uh i mean i was with salicus the other day he just was like just watch the opening to mean streets again i was like all right fine i've seen it yeah that's why i'm like yeah it's pretty fucking cool i mean like you relive some of these 70s movies where they're like hey we're gonna breathe we're not gonna yes now instagram it's like i gotta hit him it's a real i gotta hit him in 30 seconds and then yeah you look at taxi driver and you're like all right

You know, I'll take it. It's so true. It's so true. But by the way, can I ask a dumb New York question? Yeah. Again, I've been drinking. Yeah, me too. Okay, good. I'm not alone here. I'm going to be gone by the end of this one. This podcast is going to do damage to me. Yes, same. By the way, I think we're eight hours in here, but I have lost all sense of time. Who cares? We'll go long. Who gives a shit?

Salacuse is my guy. He's your guy. He knows his shit. He's the man. He's an artist. Oh, buddy, if you don't know, he directed my last special up on the roof. It's on YouTube. He directs a lot of Mark shorts on his YouTube channel. He's a good buddy from New York. He's a great guy. I actually got to see him tomorrow. Oh, nice. Yeah.

I'm writing a show with the guy. He's a killer. He's great. He's funny and he's a great dude. And he's got an adorable new Boston Terrier. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Good for him. So we have a similar sense of humor. He loves like ONA. He loves Patrice. He loves all that shit. So he knows his stuff. And he's a great portal into the real world. He's got a wife, a kid. Yeah.

But he's still like an artist. So he's got like a toe and everything. But I love it. It's something I love about him. He's a sensible artist, which is hard to find. Yes, exactly. But here's my dumb question. He grew up.

He's older than me. He grew up in Brooklyn in the 40s or whatever. And you grew up in Manhattan. Yeah. Is there a New York connection at all? Or is that some bullshit that I made up in my head? Absolutely. Oh, really? Are you kidding me? Yeah. Well, you never know. It's instant. It was absolutely instant. Yeah. I mean, we hit it off immediately. I mean, through our mutual friend, Jessica Pilot, who is...

was a Colbert booker and produced Larry Charles new Netflix show and has done a million things. But like,

I'm just saying for the listeners here, but she's a, she's a shark. I love her New York hustle energy. And yes, talk about a New Yorker, a real New Yorker. And then she introduced Matt. She's like, you'll love him. He's a New Yorker. It's the first thing she said. I mean, yeah, man, I hit it off instantly. And then when we were talking about the new special, the up on the roof special, he's literally to talk about New York, he's going, it's going to look like a, like a punk version of Manhattan, Manhattan.

like the opening of Manhattan. And I was like, you're talking my language now. You know, like this is what I want to hear. That's a great way to put it. Great blurb. And then right as he said it, he goes, it was his city. And I turned to him, I go, and it always will be. I mean, that's how we fucking hit. And I was like, that's how I knew he was the right guy. I love working with him. He's the best. I mean, he's the best.

See, that's a New York thing. The opening to Manhattan gives me chills. Same, same. It's so fucking beautiful. Yeah, no, there's an absolute New York connection for sure. By the way, is that Wagner?

Wagner no it's uh Gershwin wrong German yeah you know it's public domain so you can buy it what oh it's so old when music is that old yeah because we were gonna use it but it was just like what who are we kidding yeah yeah up on the roof everyone's like all right come on

This is going to sound racist, but hang tight. Every fucking, every pre. I'm giving a discretion. What do you call it? Disclaimer. Sure. But it's not racist, but it's going to sound racist. As a white guy who grew up in a black neighborhood, you realize black people started everything, like rock and roll, blues, hip hop.

So I get some kind of white hope in classical music. Cause I'm like, thank God this wasn't stolen from a poor black guy. Like Elvis is just doing black shit, you know? Oh yeah. Justin Timberlake, they're just doing black culture, but then you hear classical and you're like, all right, they got whitey could come up with something. Jesus Christ. I'm not saying it's,

In that way, I'm just saying it like, you start to wonder as a white guy. I think you're just saying it in a way that you want to bring stuff to the table. Yes! Exactly! I was watching an interview with these basketball players today, Jimmy Butler, Bam Adebayo, and Tyler Hero. And the first two guys are black, and Tyler is a white guy. And they're talking about how they can't swim.

And Tyler here says, I can't swim. And they're like, oh, all right. You're one of us. That's how they brought him in. That's great. You can roll with us. I was like, ah, it's kind of fun. I love that shit. Yeah. That's, that's what it's all about. I'm all about connecting and everybody gets weird when you bring up race, but I want to connect. No, I get that from you as like, as, as road dogs, we want to do every, every city, every, every market. You want to do red state, blue state. You want to, I mean, like,

There's comics that want to play to their crowds and there's comics that want to build their crowds. We want to turn people. That's how we came up as comics is doing those hell gigs where you're like, let me see if I can turn them. Yes, exactly. And even outside of comedy, I don't want to get to a place where asking questions is considered...

or offensive or whatever. I just want to like, I want to learn. I want to get to know. And the only way to get to know is to talk and discuss. And I worry that discussion is like off limits almost now. And I grew up talking shit with guys in my neighborhood. I went to public school. That was all it was like, what's up with this? What's up with that? You know, they'd be like, what's up with Nirvana? And I was like, what's up with, you know, this public enemy or whatever the fuck.

And I think that's a better way to be, but we get dicey. It gets in a dicey territory. Private school, but the same shit. We had the same conversations. Yes, here, here. It's fascinating, like asses. I think that's a whole black thing. I grew up in the 90s, it was all tits. You don't like asses? No, I do, but it wasn't a thing. And I think black guys brought that in. It was all tits.

I grew up more of a tech guy, for sure. We all did. But now it's like, I'll say this about the asses. It's getting a little out of control. Like you see some of these Instagram people and it's like, it's like this. And I'm like, all right, it's not supposed to be shaped like, like that. That's like, yeah.

it's a little aggressive is it not it's a bit much and i don't know if any can't be healthy one of those instagram she just died we talked about that another oh that's right that's right yeah so they go it's like everything you go too far you know pita's like hey you kill a cockroach is like killing a a monkey you're like well now you're going too far you know it's the same with asses all right we've gone on the rails here we're on the rails what give me a newspaper story a news story oh geez you got it

All right. So I heard this is a horrible joke and I feel embarrassed to say it, but it was a, so a new story came out about how no one has had sex in space ever. Okay. And I thought, well, the people of the challenger got fucked.

All right. I'm embarrassed to even say it, but that was my one-liner. You throw a lot of the pun stuff on Twitter, but it's clever and it works. I mean, it definitely is. That's a good joke. Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's a fun joke. That's not one you're bringing on stage, but that's a good social media. That's a good, like, Twitter post for sure. Right, right.

Right. Oh, well, we both had a Casey Anthony joke. What was yours? Yours is way smarter than mine. Mine was very A to B. Well, I mean, dude, it's fucking Twitter, you know? Yeah. New York Post. Let me read the actual headline. It's, Casey Anthony launches private investigation business in Florida. You can't write a better setup. Jay Leno. Did you hear about this? Yeah.

Casey Anthony. Right, right. So, of course, you're like, well, Florida, that's funny right there. That's funny right there, yeah. The meat of it is, oh, I wrote, I heard also Ghislaine Maxwell is opening a women's shelter. Oh, that's good. I like that. That's really good. It's very, you know, you got the... I saw people post like OJ ones. That's way better. Yours is way better than the OJ thing. I saw it.

Oh, were people posting OJ? I saw someone post like OJ, OJ's opening a PI thing too. I'm like, yeah, that's too, that's too. Too the same. Too the same. Man, mine was, that's like if Batman became, that's like if he became Batman after he killed his own parents. That was my angle. Yeah, it's hard. Well, it's all right. It's whatever. It's Twitter, man. It's Casey Anthony, man. Fuck. You see that documentary? Yeah.

Yeah, I did, actually. Is it crazy? I heard it's nuts. It's pretty wild, and it shows you how crazy she is. She was blowing the lawyer, right? Yeah, oh yeah. She's fucking nuts and kind of attractive, so that throws a whole new wrench. Well, that's how you get the documentary. You're not getting it if you're not a looker. I mean, Jodi Arias is not getting all that airtime if she's just like a fucking five who hacked up her boyfriend, you know? Right, right. Yeah.

It's funny, looks equal TV time, like air time Ted Bundy, I mean, is he that Is he that fucking I know, he's still a murderer Is he selling a Netflix special? Well, he got on Netflix He did an hour Before us Yeah, killing, murdering is the key now No, he really That was a good one, that was one of the last I heard the one, something on Something Beach on HBO, you know what I'm talking about?

That's like, Oh, middle beach. Everyone's saying that's a really good one. It's good. It's really good. It's a bummer, but it's good. That's the thing. It's like, how much of this shit can you watch without like, like,

Without having an effect, it's already gray outside every day. It's already, you know, 40 degrees. I have to force myself to take a walk like I'm 75. It's embarrassing. It's true, but here's the first of all, that was directed and shot by the son of the kid whose mom got murdered, so that's also like a mindfuck. Unreal. When somebody has the theory that

Things are kind of obviously outside of the pandemic. Things are so easy now that we have to find sadness. Interesting. That's a, that's not my theory. So I don't know if I agree with that. I, I, I, I definitely get that, but I think also, I think also when things are dark, you gravitate toward dark because it feels like it mirrors your reality in a way. Like, I mean, like,

When you have a breakup, you listen to breakup songs. Yeah, I think it's true. It doesn't, it makes you feel better in a weird way. So sometimes I think if it's not too dark, I mean, murder is like extreme, but it's not too dark. It does give you like some sort of like, all right, there's other people. Right. What I'm going through.

I think people are dark. Like, well, it's just where we do this weird math. Like if you do a pedophile joke, we're like, hey, that's fucked up. That's horrible. But then they'll be like the Michael Jackson doc is out. Isn't that weirder? Isn't that worse that you're watching that with popcorn? Like he spread his ass cheeks and Macaulay Culkin. And I'm like, I made a joke about a fictional thing. You're watching the real thing. I don't know.

It's a good point. I heard someone make a great point about Michael Jackson is like, it took us so long to come to terms with the bad shit he did because we were complicit. I was like, that's true. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, and you're talented. People like it. But also, when you're the ones, when you're like, you're like, I got a glove at home. Am I going to turn on them? You know what I mean? Like, it is harder when you're part of the problem. People love to be a part of the mob, but it's not as easy to be a part of a mob when you're like, oh, shit, I've got those records on my fucking phone. Yeah, I grew up with that shit. My mom sings it. You know, when Remix to Ignition comes on, we're all fist pumping. It is a good song. It's a great tune.

I can separate. I can separate like, okay, this guy's a monster, but he put out good art. Yeah, I was thinking about, I was talking to my mom today about Roald Dahl. Oh, big anti-Semite. Well, it originally started with my buddy Ronan again, but we're talking about Roald Dahl and like how, you know, what an anti-Semite he is and-

I mean, the guy had the most imaginative mind. Yeah. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach. You can't imagine that Jews are people too. Like at that point, it's like, it drives me insane. It's so true. It's fascinating. That's why racism is so fascinating because you're like, it's like being a serial killer. Like, how does your mind go that way?

yeah they're all people we're just different pigment or religion or it's a bummer when it's a childhood guy too where you're like i love the twits i love this shit growing up you know i heard the guy who invented rugrats hates uh armenians don't don't you dare oh do the rugrats talk about like the best uh voices ever yeah all the voices are gold

That's true. I never thought about that. Tommy, you hear those voices, you're like, these are like a big reason for the show's success. Completely, because the animation was like, okay, but yeah, the voices were great. But they're adorable in the animation. They're cute kids. Yeah. Angelica was always terrifying. Twat. I hated her. We all hated her.

She grew up to be a real whore. You can tell. Definitely. She was a cutter and she was promiscuous. No doubt about it. Tommy was like, Angelica, you need to get it together. We're worried about you. Shut up! That would be a fun show. Rugrats now. Now that they're 17 or 18. It would be good. It's just dark as hell. They just went in a real...

Terrible direction. What I'll give you my, my, my news story is Chrissy Teigen. What happened? New York post. She's been sober four months, which I'm like, first off, that's not a long amount of time when you're rich. Yeah. That's when you live in a fucking 10 bedroom. I'm like, all right. You know, alcohol is an escape.

You don't need to escape when you're in a beachfront mansion. You know what I mean? Like I deserve a fucking medal of honor every night. I don't have like 10 of these, you know? Right. Right. Like she's married to a fucking handsome musician.

Yes. It was like, your life is great. I understand it's a disease. I'm not trying to trivialize an illness, but like life is good. Let's be right. Yeah. I know she did. She lost a baby, I think, but you know. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true. That's, was it a miscarriage? I don't know, actually. I'm really judging someone without knowing the whole story. I will say part of the story, part of the show, I think. But it's part of the, it's a bit, it's a bit, you're not, you don't know her personally, but I don't know her personally.

John Legend seems like a great dude. She seems all right, but I'm just saying the way we frame, the way we have celebrities on the back for just generic accomplishments where it's like,

you know, when they lose weight or when they do, it's like, look, I get, it's a stressful job. I get what you get, but let's not suck them off for losing 20 pounds when they have a fucking trainer. All right. Come on. Yeah. And don't put that shit in our face where other people have real problems with like fentanyl and addiction and all this shit. It's like, these people are poor and dealing with that. And it's, it's, it's a different world. And

They should be more aware, I guess is my point. Also, is that even news? Was she even a drunk? It's the post. I know, but people drink. I think people are all fucked up. Everyone's getting fucked up these days, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, everybody's in rehab and you can't blame them. I mean, suicide is higher. Everything's fucked up now. And honestly, I get messages from people and I'm sure you do too saying, you know, that they're struggling. So if you're struggling out there, man, just try to hold on. I think it's going to get better. But I know it's a tough thing, but there's help out there. Suicide hotline, like do not try to hang on because-

shit man dark year but but i think there's gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel so i hope i hope and yeah when the when the clouds clear i think i it's like you had that great tweet months ago where you said uh isn't it amazing like after all this that people might still get offended a joke yeah and it sums it all up well i mean it's gonna be a while but

I think it's going to be a while before they're at... I think people are going to... The first few months, I think, are going to be, like, the best of our lives. I hope. But...

Yeah, I think there's going to be a there's going to be a period after whether they go back into the comfort zone. I think, as you said before, like we get we're going to be like, oh, we're grateful. But I think I think people fall back into where they who they really are. Right. Well, I don't think people realize that being upset by a joke is somewhat of a privilege. Like if you have the time to write about it and tweet about it and write a letter and and Yelp and cancel and all that, like.

That means you got extra time. You got extra hours in your day. Like, you know, it's not yelping is kids making iPhones or, you know, some lady who's getting beaten or who has to go to a farm and, and, and, or a mill or a guy working at the factory. They're not, they're not. Thanks lady. Not getting beaten. Yeah. That's a, no, I also I'll go the other way too. Your life is shit.

No one with a good life is yelping negative reviews. No one who's like, guess what? You get a bad food delivery. You're not like, dear burrito loco. How dare you? Like, all right, guess what? No one getting their dick sucked is writing a fucking bad TripAdvisor review. So good point. Yeah. Jay-Z has not been on there. So exactly.

You know, it goes both ways, right? It's like privilege, but it's also like your life is probably horrible as well. Yeah. So I try to remember that whenever someone like tags me in a thing and they're just like, you're fucking the worst, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, but you felt the need to tell me that rather than just move on to the next thing. So there's some anger in here too. So just, it hurts. You're hurting more than I am on that. Yes. Good way to look at it. Good. Great point.

So, what's, do you have a joke this week? A new joke? Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like we're going long here. This is- I mean, but it's a hot ep though, right? Hot ep. I mean, I can't tell. Yeah, I mean, we're growing into it, man. I'm having fun doing this with you. It's also good to see it because I just like, I'm used to seeing your face.

At the clubs, I'm used to like running into you and we'll catch up. We'll like find a corner and just shoot the shit. And now it's like, that's gone. I know. I know. That's such a part of comedy that nobody talked about was like seeing the other comics. Cause we're weirdos. We're introverts. We're, we're dark. We're fucked up. So we like seeing other comics. Cause it's like, all right, I'm human. I'm normal. This guy's weird too. And that was a big part of it. And that's all gone. Even if you can get on stage on a roof or a field with a heater, it's,

You still lose the hang. Yeah, it's different. And also, like, we took for granted, like, each other being stuffed into booths and just shooting the shit and getting hammered and just having those special nights and telling funny stories and shitting on each other. There was, like, a... What I really miss is, like, the way comics in New York kind of, like, we fuck with each other in this, like, playful way that's, like, so...

we're so all of our friends i feel like are good at it and i i love that because whenever you're with someone who ball busts you and they're bad at it and you're like ouch okay you know like you're like oh i miss the the comics who are like they make they shit on me but it's like you can feel it's out of a place of love and yes so that's tough too to lose to lose that type of

is tough. And some comics are so good at that ball busting, quick witted thing that like they can't do that right now. And that's gotta be killing. Like Phil Hanley is one of the quickest, like, Oh, he's still shitting on me. I talked to him. Okay, great. Good. Cause that's like a skill he has. I'm like, I don't want you to not have that or not be able to exercise that. Cause you're so good at it. Yeah. No, dude, he's so good at that shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, he had a line in your special that was like a great sidewalk line. I mean, dude, glad this was documented gold. I love that. When I, when I told him, I said, my, my biological dad lives in artist housing, but he's not an artist. And Phil goes, well, he is an escape artist. It's like classic. He's got that kind of, it's almost like the British type of ball bus. Yes. It's almost like the Butler and Arthur or something where you're like, Oh shit. It's like snooty. And you kind of like,

bam at the same time i love that type of humor though i like it he's so good at that so good and maybe it's canadian maybe it's a canadian thing because they're they're more british than we are more european true yeah it's like arthur wasn't it like i haven't taken my bath he goes i left the media whatever the line is i'm sure i butchered it but it was something like that no that's it i'll alert the media so good so quick all right i'll try it i'll try an idea something please

This could be a one-liner, but I'm missing something. So my girl wants to get pregnant. She wants to have a kid. Wow. I love when you break news to me through bed. Wow. This is my post.

But she's I'm not saying we're having a kid I'm just saying like she's letting me know She wants a kid But don't you love it when we're talking I'm like so I had a breakup And you're just like did you That's how we communicate sometimes It's like that great Regan bit Where his buddy gets divorced It was like a 20 year marriage he gets divorced He goes golfing with this guy And he comes home and the wife's like What did he say about the divorce He's like oh it never came up It's like dudes hanging out They don't talk about that shit

Uh, he's a legend and a great guy and a great guy. Great guy. Great guy. Great comic legend, the whole thing. So she wants to have a baby eventually, but she's, she's still young and she's like, I'm so vain that I'm worried about getting pregnant and ruining my body. So I might, maybe we should get a surrogate. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll just fuck her. But that's, that's a little too harsh and too quick of a turn, I think for the public, uh,

Because they might wait, what? So I'm just saying like the joke. No, that doesn't hit. Did you try it yet? I've tried it, but I'm like, I'm saying fuck. So I'm like, maybe I'm getting a laugh on that. But I don't know if the audience is totally grasping what I'm saying. Surrogate. So I got a surrogate to fuck. It's such a funny idea to me, not just for the for her body, but like, it'd be funny. The funny thing is she's having a baby still, but I'll fuck the surrogate who's still hot. Yeah.

I think it's good. I think it's funny already. Okay, okay. I'll just fuck her. I like that you're looking at it as a W. You're just like, yeah, I get to fuck a different person. That's how long you've been in a relationship. We've been together a long time. It's time we have a baby. Yeah, we've been together a long time. I would love to fuck a different person. Right, okay. I didn't know if it was clear. I got it. I don't know if a crowd... I will say this. I think the surrogate thing is like...

I think it's rare is the thing. Like you hear it amongst obviously the wealthy and a lot of celebrities do it, I think. But yeah, I mean, I know it just because I've heard of it, but I don't know if it's common knowledge. Okay. Okay. That's good. But I think it's a bit. I think it's funny. As long as people get it, I think it's funny. All right. I felt like you felt like- Every once in a while when you have a funny enough bit, I'm like, who gives a fuck? I mean, like- Yeah, yeah. The right people get it and the wrong people will be like, oh, I should have known that.

That's true. But you know, it's like we said earlier, we want to hit every group, every person. Is it wrong to explain it in the setup, which is like when you might slow it down? Maybe, maybe. That's not bad. Maybe I can pretend like I'm dumb. What is that? It's like, well, that's when you bring in a third party and you're like, oh, cool. Exactly. I'll fuck her. Oh, that might be a better way to do it. And it explains it a little. It's like kind of a two birds, one stone there. All right. That helps. I had something there. I had something about, you ever watch Chopped?

Yeah. You like that show? I know. I love Chopped. I've seen a million hours of Chopped. I love that dude, Aaron Sanchez. Oh, yeah. He's got the gang tattoos on his arm. Yeah. So my angle is like every... I can't get this to hit right, but there's something here. Like every gang... Every chef used to be in a gang for some reason where they're just... Where you're like, what fucking tortured past? They're always like, yeah, he's... I heard him say, cooking saved me from going down a dark path. And my angle is like,

what fucking gang just let you leave to pursue the culinary arts uh you're like is there some gang like there's only one way out of the bloods and they're like what do i have to murder someone they're like no you have to perfect this meringue right here if you crush it if you crunch a french tart we'll let you walk uh yeah i need a example but there's something to that i think that's a great angle there's something maybe to the the knives like they both have knives

gangs and cooks you know it's all about the knife like and maybe when a body is they got to get rid of a body he's like cutting it up you know yeah like uh like they do it like it's a like it's an onion like yeah exactly they're chopping it like ginsu they're like oh here's sanchez and he opens up his coat and it's like all these great knives like all the silver knives you know

Also the mess. They're good at getting rid of a mess. Yes, yes, exactly. And they can use everything. That's the whole thing in Chop is like you got to have a fucking...

kumquat salmon you know pepper chinos and whatever like they can make something out of this body you know like they're like cookie macgyver i like it it's right right endless show it's a solid it's a good time love that show

Love all that shit. That's so funny. And again, that's so true about chefs. It's like tattoos and checkered past. They're badasses. Yeah. I think it's a lot of thing too is a lot of times too is these restaurants are like some of the last places where they don't do like hardcore criminal record background searches. Oh, that's funny. I think that's one. It's like weirdly one of the last because you think about it, you're like,

Oh, dishwashers. I think they're like, that's probably a job you get if you have a checkered past. Right. But then you think about it, you're like, all right, well, they're in the kitchen at that point. It's like, you may as well just like who gives a shit at that point. Right. Right. Right. It could also be a bit, and this might be a stretch, but.

The gang, they lose him. He goes off to be a chef. I love the idea because my douchebag friends did this in high school where they would come into the restaurant and like fucking, you know, piss off the waitress and get shit faced. I like the idea of a gang being like Sanchez is working at, you know, Bubba Gump and they all go in.

You know, terrorize the place. You get free drinks. He's a crypt. I'm a crypt, you know. Did you underage drink like crazy? I mean, you must have been an animal in New Orleans. Dude, it was great. We knew every... What's that? Fake ID? No, we didn't need them back then. Like, you could just go to a place and you had the one friend who had armpit hair and like a little cheese stash and he could buy... We were 14. He's buying shit at a bodega. The five foot three guy with sideburns down to here and you're like, that's his fucking... That's his talent. He can go first.

Yeah, exactly He's like, give me the cigarettes And they let that slide And he's like, alright, fuck it Give me the hooch This is a hot one, man We're fucking, we're rolling with this Oh, yeah No, I don't want to leave you now It's like, now I'm going to be back in a hotel room With a flight in the morning Yeah, is your girl still there? No, she left today Because they added a Sunday show So she was like, oh, I didn't know So she just left Did you, oh, did you change your flight? Yeah, I had to change my flight to tomorrow Because we added a Sunday That's great, though

It's great. I mean, people are dying to come out, but yeah, I just hate getting back to New York on a Monday. It's like a pet peeve. Oh, the traffic? Well, just, I like to start the week in my bed. You know, I hate the idea of like the week starts. It's a mental thing. Yeah. Something with the traffic on a Monday too, especially. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking kill me. I know Sunday when you wake up Sunday, go to the airport. It's nice. It's like your little day.

You're right. There's something about starting the week right. You feel like this job has some stability. Yeah, yeah. I even thought about getting a midnight flight out

like on sunday night and just landing in new york at 3 a.m i love i love a late flight like that because you're like i wake up in bed i don't have that and also you're on it and like what are you gonna do you're either gonna you're just gonna watch a show or read something on the flight you it's like that you're fucking home it's great what's it's like when you're in a bum a shit bum town and your friend your opener is like should we drive back it's we're not gonna get home till 4 a.m i'm like drive back fuck it always go back always always i

To me, I mean, I don't really drive. I mean, I'm worthless, dude. I don't drive. I'm talking to Sal, who's who I'm seeing tomorrow. He's like, I'm biking. I'm like, I guess I got to like walk down to like 17th street.

right you know it's like it is i'm worthless i can't ride i tried to ride a bike down the highway i wiped out like three times i got like cuts all over my arms yeah i'm terrible yeah oh man i could teach you how to drive if you ever want to help i'm a good teacher i feel like i can maybe that'll be an episode oh yeah comics doing daily things we'll figure that out yeah i would love that you can try i mean if you can play basketball you can drive i got a license

Oh, you do? But I sweet-talked my way into it. I didn't deserve it. That's the most New Yorker thing ever. I failed, but I sweet-talked my way into it. I failed, too, and I got her, and I was self-deprecating out of the gate, and she laughed. I was like, I'm in.

I said, I've already failed twice. You can't fail me. I'm going to look terrible. And she laughed. I was like, all right, I'm in. And I was not good. And she passed me. I didn't deserve it. I love the idea of you running over a kid. And they're like, how'd you get a license? You're like, I sweet talked her. That woman's going to go to jail. There's a kid who can't walk right. But I can still land a joke. Yeah.

We should tell people, like, you know, what do we need for this? We got to get a network at some point, right? Or do we go independent with this? What are we doing? I think we need a decent logo we're willing to put on iTunes and just have as a logo for our show. And someone to help with that. If someone wants to help with that, hit us up.

Yeah, please. Somebody sent us a great theme song. I already lost it. It was a DM and it's already been buried. We have a good theme song. Okay, so we're going with that. I mean, I like... Should we play it one more time? I like it too, but I never hear it. Let's go with it. Let's see. One more drink. I don't know if I could find it. I was actually singing that in the shower today. It's catchy. It's a catchy tune. Here, I'll play it. Hold on. Ready? One more drink. We sure we gonna sing.

We'll rip and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two.

All right. Sold. It's great, I think. It's great. That's my boy Colin Smith singing there. Wow. He sounds so different. He's the most versatile fucking musician. He's incredible. Yeah, I think that's the song. All right, great. I mean, speak if you're against it. We can give him to do something else, but I think we got to use that. I love it. I mean, if someone out there wants to put that to animation or something. Ooh.

yeah for a nice intro for this we'll we'll pay so let us know and uh and if you want to help us with libsyn and all that bullshit we're too lazy for that so someone help us with that and uh yeah just what was that libsyn lips well we got to get the the to get on itunes we got to get a a thing you know oh oh like a what do you call it a network or yeah i don't know i'm worthless but i know we got to get on something like that so yeah help us with that and uh

Thanks for listening. And we're going to keep them coming. So you keep, you keep listening. We'll keep banging these out. Hell yeah, buddy. Always a pleasure. Great app. It's going to be hard to top this one next week. We will. We'll top it. Yeah. I'm half in the bag. I'm going to rub one out to a lobster tube. Me too. Okay. All right, man. Take it easy. Take it easy.