Ep 39: Back From The Dead
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Welcome to We Might Be Drunk. We're back, baby. I'll tell ya. Woo!

Hey, hey, good to be back. Lots to talk about. Sun is shining. It's 8 million degrees in Manhattan. Good to see you, Fetty. Good to see you. Sally. Oh, yeah. Barju. Yes. Good to have you back. We missed you for a week, but what are you making for us, Sloppy Jalopy? Today we're making Corpse Survivors number two. And...

And it's like a hangover drink, it's a corpse reviver. It's like way, way old from the 1870s. It was arrived in 1930s at the Savoy Hotel in London. And the guy who wrote it down in 1930s said, you know, it's a great, it's all booze, but you can't taste it. - Wow. - So it's a great, and it'll make you feel nice and chipper, but he said if you have four of these back to back, it'll unrevive your corpse. - It'll kill ya.

It's funny because back then they didn't have Coca-Cola. They didn't have, you know, Welch's and Mountain Dew and all that. They had to just make shit. What? Out of like...

mushed grapes and they didn't have Fanta. You know what I mean? I like that that's your first thought of the 1800s. They didn't have Fanta. They also didn't have like real doctors. That's true too. That's worse. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That is worse. But I'm just saying like to be a mixologist back then, you had to really use the basics. For sure. But that's probably why those are the classics. Like the old drinks are the best for a reason because you needed them. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Isn't it weird back in the day like they said kids would drink

because water was unhealthy because it could be pond water or have shit in it or whatever. But so they would all drink beer as like a drink. It's hilarious. You see a three year old, you're like, put that water down. Have a beer like a man. Right, right. It's got to be safe. Have a cocktail. Yeah, I remember that. I think some of that was from the Prohibition doc too, I think, the Ken Burns. What were you this weekend? Oh,

Arlington, Texas. Oh, boy. Yeah, not bragging. It was rough. Really? Well, it's basically like Dallas, Fort Worth, and Arlington's like the taint right in the middle. There's nothing there except for the Cowboy Stadium. That's the only thing keeping that town on the map.

Yeah, I love the Michael J. Fox. Or the Muhammad Ali. Yeah, I was in Royal Oak, Michigan. Great club, Comedy Castle. Great club. Good time. Got my boy Anthony DeVito with me. That's killer. Dude, some of those shows were great, and then some you're like, that's a big venue. Yeah, it goes back and back. Yeah. And they drink. Classic. Yeah. Classic club got delayed five hours on the way back.

Five hour delay. Oh, hell. This looks. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. Wow. Enjoy, guys. This looks like when you've been saving up a nut for like three weeks. Those poor hotel towels are in your case, your hand. Cheers. Wait. Corpse revival. Reviver. Reviver. Got it. Ooh, with the little skull. Can't go wrong there.

Wow. Wow. I can picture tasting this hungover and this would help so much. Yeah. It's like an elixir more than anything. Give us the ingredients. So it's gin, London dry gin, L'Ole Blanc, which is like a French aperitif, like a sweet wine, kind of like a Moscato, Cointreau and lemon, all three quarters once again. I thought there was absinthe in this. There is. There's an absinthe spritz, like a rinse. So I have this little perfume bottle.

And I just dab it over. Do you want to give it a try? What a pro. Got the perfume bottle full of Spritz. Give me a Spritz. I can't say no to absinthe.

Oh, yeah. Put a little queef on top. Wow, that has got an aroma. It's like licorice-y, right, almost? Yeah, wormwood. That's like the active ingredient. Wormwood. Good doc, Errol Morris. That's right. And I think a Netflix show. Yeah. No, it was on Netflix, the doc. Oh, I thought that was a sitcom. Errol Morris, dude. You know Errol Morris. That guy rules. Documentary director. I hear that name.

Is he a thin blue liner? Yes. Masterpiece. They say it's one of the best docs of all time. I think it is. It's almost like one of those Netflix docs before they... Now they have to do like 10 episodes to just keep you on the app. But back then, they're like, no, it's a movie. Yeah. We're not using fat. Why is Errol gone? Isn't that weird? Some names just go away. Like you never meet a Duncan. You never meet an Errol.

There's a few others I can't think of. What's some other names you don't hear anymore? Gladys. Yeah, yeah. Ethel. Gertrude. Yes. They just kind of fizzle off. Like, at some point, people are going to go, oh, Tiffany. No one's called Tiffany. But Rosemary. Rosemary's a cool name. Good name. Good baby. Good spice, too. Oh, yeah, that's right. Rosemary chicken. All right. Mm-hmm. I, uh...

Dude, we get delayed five hours at Delta, Michigan. Detroit Airport. Detroit Airport. It's a hub. It's a hub. Whatever that means. I know. It's got a decent sky club, I guess. We're in the club five hours. You're in the club now? I'm in the club, baby. I'll tell you. I'm in the club. I'm nervous around you now. I got to shape up. I didn't know you were a club guy. Now, if you get canceled, you lose club access, too. Did I tell you that? What? No, I'm kidding. Oh, jeez.

I don't want to lose that club. No, dude. Five hour delay, though. No apology. Then you get on board and they do the whole, we thank you for being a Delta. And like anyone's turned him like, oh, that was very nice. Yeah. Thanks for saying that. I also hate we're going to make up for it in the air. They say that a lot. Do it all the time. Make up for it all the time. That's a Seinfeld joke. Is it really? Yes. Oh, my God.

So, welcome to the 80s. Good stuff, though. Good to have you. But it's a good point. It's like, why don't you just... You know what it is? I asked this question to a pilot. It burns more fuel if you go faster. So they don't want to just be burning fuel all day long. Hmm.

Fun fact. You know, it's also all these announcements now where they have to act like it's like they're loud as hell, too. It's like they're getting louder. It's like when you're watching a TV show and all of a sudden the commercials are really loud. What the hell is that shit? I almost put that as my peeve. That's so funny. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. I hate that shit. Happens a lot when you're watching. I don't know. Whatever. Porn.

Yeah, she's like, suck me, suck me. Blue Chew is brought to you by a guy. Fuck, dude. Wait, she's saying suck me, suck me? Yeah, I don't know who's doing it. It's Asian. Anyway, yeah. Shit, I might have revealed too much in that one, Sally. What is your go-to genre? Can we ask, or is that weird? MILF, usually. I keep it classic. I like a MILF, too. But now they're just our age. It's a bummer. I used to be like, oh, I'm banging my best friend's mom. Now I guess this would just be like,

A chick. Right, right. Good point. Yeah, I like mom teaches daughter. Oh, mom teaches. Yeah. Educational element. Exactly. Generation to generation. Yep. Incest. All the greats. It's like a recipe. You're passing it down. Instead of a strudel, it's a suck job. Yes.

I like it. Yeah. You know what's weird is you hear about these women taking blowjob classes. Really? Yeah. I thought that was a myth. No, that's out there. That was an old school. That was Andy Dick, remember? That was an old school. But is that real? I think it's real. And they practice on what, a carrot? Carrot, a cucumber, a zucchini, you name it. This is online. Eggplant if it's a black guy, whatever. Online blowjob courses so you can get your degree online. Online?

Online, geez. I can take that. Wow. Sean Murphy's got a great bit about this. He's like, it's so nice of women. Men would never do this. There's no man eating out class. Men are like, I'm great. I'm great. It's such a great point about how women are just nicer. Well, what do you practice on if you're a guy? Just like slice open a grapefruit and start licking? What do you do? Yeah, I guess a taco or a Kleenex box. I don't know. That's a good question. Kleenex box.

Yeah, that's true. That's tougher. Women have more options. The penis, it's easier to find an outward, an external, you know, shape. Yeah. Than inward. I'm learning that women aren't that into the internals. Like, I think I'd go 85% vibrator for women over dildo.

Yeah. That would be my stimulation. That's yeah. That's my guess. We need a lady in here. But if I had, it was, if I was a betting man, well, the problem is we got fooled with all this soft core porn as kids where it's just, it's just ramming the women. It's like, Oh my,

oh my God. And you're like, that's not what makes you scream like that. That's true. And then the first time a girl's like, slow down. You're like, oh, I never thought about slowing down. Yeah. I thought of attacking you like a jackhammer. I didn't realize there was Vanessa involved here. Exactly. Exactly. I had a lady once I used to hook up with this gal who worked at Goldman Sachs. Yeah.

Or Norman Sacks. I'll tell you, she's all right, this girl. Yeah, Goldman Vax. But I was going down on her and she was like, you should tease me first. And I was like, what do you mean? Like, wouldn't you just want the guy to go right to the panic button, the man in the boat? And she was like, no, no, fuck with me a little bit. Lick a little over here, a little over there. And I was like, what are you crazy? But it blew my mind. But it was a nice note.

Good to know. It's also funny that you associate eating pussy with a panic button. Well, that's the name of the clit, I thought. Oh, really? That's like a euphemism. Is it? Never heard it. Again, we need a lady in here. Matt, have you heard panic button? Jeez. I don't think that's a thing. Man, well, tell that to the chat rooms I was in back in the 90s. Back when I'm smashing her anxiety button. What I like to do is, no. You've heard man in the boat.

- Man the boat? - I have, yes. - Okay, okay. - Oh, is that for the clip? - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, that makes sense, I've never heard it. - Looks like a boat, it's a guy in there. - Yeah.

Interesting. Or in the words of David Tell, the clit, it wears a hood like a little racist. That's a good one. Yeah, dude. Sorry, Delta flight. Oh, it's awful. It's like the amount of announcements. This could be a peeve. The amount of announcements they make now. And they're all like, by the way, shout out to Delta, though, for still serving alcohol. Yes. A lot of airlines, I think American doesn't do it anymore. But Delta does the announcement where they're like, yeah.

Do not bring your own alcohol on board. Who's doing that? I know. It's so dated. There's no one in 10D with a fucking Old English. All right? That's what they take away your booze. Here's the thing. If you buy booze, you got it at the airport, so settle down. Yeah.

good point. Good point. I mean, Carlin did that whole thing about if anyone else packed your bags, he's like, yeah, you know what packed my bag? Carrot Top. He's like, this is such stupid. It's like a comic where you're like, none of this, you got VCR jokes, you got OJ jokes, you gotta update that shit. No smoking. We all know you can't smoke. Who is smoking on the plane? I'll tell you though, I was just on the subway. There's a little kid on a scooter and vaping on the train. No. He's scooting back and forth on the train vaping. It's like, first off, scooter and vape. Pick

Pick one, dipshit. The combo is overbearing. Right. But I see a lot of the cigarette smokes on the train now. People just don't give a fuck. What? Yeah. Just cigarette on the platform? Well, there's the traffic. I don't know if you noticed. I mean, I'm sure you have going to the airport every week. The traffic's gotten worse because less people are on the train, but then less people on the train. So people are like, fuck this. I'm doing whatever I want. Oh, interesting. Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah. That's fascinating. I never thought about that.

I haven't seen the smoking guy. Oh, I hate that guy. That's ballsy. Remember, I opened for Bill Burr. We got shit face at a Mexican restaurant. First time really hanging out with him. He goes, you want a cigar? Of course, I'm going to say yes. And we just walked to the subway and I just follow him and he's smoking and he starts smoking on the train, like on the L train. He's smoking late at night is different than then just midday. Like, yeah, two o'clock.

Yeah, that's crazy. On a crowded train. If there's like no one really on the train, it's different. Yeah, there was one old hobo and like a Mexican construction guy, but that was it. But no one was like, this is crazy. We were just that drunk. And then I remember, you ever have one of those moments in comedy where you go, I got to remember this. I got to like absorb this moment because this is special. Smoking a cigar on the train with Bill Burr. That is special, man. Oh, yeah. The best. I had other complaints about the airport too, but I don't know where this is going to go. I could go all day. The airport, the five hours thing.

Do you ever try to go, okay, what work can I do to compensate for wasting all the time? But there's none, because you're just angry the whole time. You're just annoyed and drank like six coffees. And you always think, I could have slept this whole time. I know. I could have been sleeping, but I got up early to get here on time, and then here we go. Brutal. Yeah, and I think you've complained about this already on the podcast, so correct me if I'm wrong, but-

They put out the snacks after the flight's been delayed for five hours. Is that cheering up anybody? I didn't get to see my kids today, but oh, look, a Nutri-Grain bar. Awesome. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am hoarding those. I just put them in my bag. I take them, too, but it doesn't make up for the five hours. No, no. You can afford a Nutri-Grain, man. I know.

No, but I feel like I'm sticking it to Delta. Johnny Delta up there in the castle. I'm like, fuck you. I'm taking these sun chips you cut. Those are mine. Someone in the castle is watching like, he's hoarding. Get him. I didn't know you were in the Delta Club because I got to tell you, I've been in the United Club and it stinks. Really? It's not a great club. With the Delta Club. Delta Club's amazing. Get in there. You fly there every week. Don't you use Delta every week? I mix it up, but I'm mostly Delta. Mix it up? Dude, you got to stay with for the status. I know.

Oh, I know. Well, what do I need to get in that club? Diamond medallion. All right. You'll get there. I'm at gold. You'll get there. All right. All right. They take them away every year, though. They kill you. I know. That's why you got to stick with one airline. Yeah. You fly every week. You'll get it. Yeah, you're right. All right. I'm right.

I like Newark. That's my problem. Newark is tough. United. It's a hub. Whatever that means. Enough airplane talk. No one gives a shit about this but us. I'm sorry for getting the country is flying. No comics only. Yeah. And especially right now. But I will say I think we're allowed back in other countries. Right.

Not Europe, I don't believe right now. I think anywhere in Latin America but Brazil. I could be wrong. We could fact check. I don't think we want to go to Brazil. Yeah, I think. They got fucking polio still in Brazil. They're crazy over there. What is that? EU? EU travel restrictions. What US travelers should know. All right. We're just going to look at the headline. That's it? That's all people read. Anyway, let's be honest. They read the headline.

But we got to say, shout out. We had a birthday pass while we were away. And somebody got you something because Lord knows we didn't. Producer Matt, what the hell, buddy? Oh, Matt Peters at Gotham Studios. Oh, my God. Donuts. Look at these. Look at all these donuts. This looks amazing. Oh, my God. What is that? A bear club with bacon? A bacon donut. We were talking about this last week. Oh, you went all the way down to Donut Pub?

Get on the blower, will you there, sloppy jalopy? I can't hear you. Oh, you're a sweetheart. Look at that. What a fat piece of shit. Holy hell. Now, what do you got here? I see bacon. I see one might be a turd. What do you got here? It's a bacon maple from...

- We all have to have a bite. - We gotta have a bite. - All four of us. - Beer, Jew, Sally, we gotta do it. - Can we all have a bite? - You have to take the Baconator, 'cause that's all you. - I'll have a bite, but you all have to try it. - Yes, yes. - Is that COVID friendly? We're all Vaxxed, right? - What about kosher? - Kosher, I'm not that Jewish. - I'm joking. - I'm Jewish in ways that benefits me, complaining. That's about it. - Only Jewish for the good stuff. That's true.

All right, please. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby doll. You earned it. Oh, let's pass it around like a joint. Yeah, it's pretty damn good. Holy shit. I got to eat. That is crack. Yeah, you got to eat. That's a dangerous bite. Todd Berry said, oh, my God. Do my part. The only reason I haven't had you on my pocket for two years. I'm worried about letting you in my apartment. I'm like, what are you going to do in your apartment? What does he mean?

He was like, I don't know. I didn't want you in my apartment. It felt weird. Like, what? I'm going to shake a shit on the laundry? What does that even mean? So Todd didn't want you in his place? Yeah, I mean, I did it eventually, but he was like, I don't know. It worried me. That's weird. Well, he's a weird guy. COVID? Is it a rape? No, it was five years ago. Oh, we're all weird. Yeah, I remember I did this podcast once. He was like, you did a gig? And I was like, yeah. He's like, how much did it pay? And I'm like, I'm not going to say on air. That's good for what a rape was. Todd Berry, kooky guy, but very funny. Check him out, folks.

Great album. Oh, dude, some of his albums are legendary. Oh, Medium Energy. Amazing. I was listening to that in New Orleans. That's classic. Oh, yeah. Some of the best albums ever. Give me a peeve. Oh, so good.

This is a good-ass drink, dude. Have you ever heard of Mind Eraser? Of course. What's in a Mind Eraser again? I don't actually don't even remember what's in a Mind Eraser for obvious reasons. How perfect. Yeah. But it's like an old-school tiki drink. It's like a New Orleans tiki drink. Something you go down the street with one of those huge plastic glasses and stuff. Yeah, I drank those in college.

I don't remember much. Hurricanes? We got to do that one week. It's not a great drink. Well, actually, I'm thinking of hand grenades. I bet you can make a good hurricane. We want to do Palomas the other day. Next week. Tomorrow, maybe we do... Let's do Palomas. Let's do Paloma. All right. We need tequila. I'll bring tequila. I'll make like three different types. Like one for the folks at home, one a little more fancy, and then...

All right. Boy, that is so good. Those donuts are good. Donut Pub fucking rules. If you're in New York City, Donut Pub, I believe it's on 14th. Between 6th and 7th. Between 6th and 7th. Louis C.K. shot an episode of the show there, the episode where he gets bullied by the kid. Oh, that's right. He's on the date. By the way, that kid, Mike, who played the bully, is like a friend of one of my childhood friends.

Whoa. So he's like, he's come to shows before. He's a great guy and he's a great actor. He's on The Sopranos. Whoa. Yeah, he's one of AJ's friends. Wow, that's a great episode too. Yeah. So cool. Uh-oh. Michael J. Let's do it. Give me a peeve. Now this is maybe a hack peeve because it's such a, this is a peeve for everybody, but it still gets me to this day and I got to talk about it.

This is maybe a New York thing only, but people who stand in places where other people need to be going. I'm so with you. You have the guy checking his phone in the turnstiles. He's doing this shit. Then you have the lady having a conversation on her phone at the top of the subway stair on the stairs. What are we doing here? The whole goddamn world's got to get by you. Oh, my God. Oh, you sick fuck. Look at you. We're not going to be revived for long. No, no. The four is the limit.

Matt, are you going to have one? Can I get a skosh? Yes. All right. 12 years sober down the drain. Give him a half a week's load, if you know what I'm talking about. Don't give him that 14-year-old boy load. Things like a gallon. Dude, I am so on board with you with this one. I was getting off the flight, and a lady just cuts. I'm in front of her, and she kind of cuts me off in front of me. Then she just does the barely moving walk, and I go, ugh.

Out loud. And she looks behind and she lets me go. And I was like, you should have known. You should have known. You should have known. Yeah. And part of me subconsciously thinks they like that spot because they're like, it kind of, you know, Tracy Morgan had that bit about how black people shit in the pool because it has all the white people to get out. It gives you like a little power. That's Tracy Morgan's bit. I did not know. He says it on Howard Stern. Give it a go. I'm going to stop swimming in Harlem. Yeah.

Yeah. Caddyshack. Great scene. Caddyshack. Perfect. But it's the baby Ruth, isn't it? Yeah, the baby Ruth. Then Bill Murray eats it. The baby Ruth. She faints. The woman faints. So goddamn. Great moment. Caddyshack. But my point is, I think subconsciously they're like, I'm in the way. You have to move around me. All of you have to move around me. I think it's a little bit of a power thing.

Yeah, I remember Bill Burr used to have a bit about, I laugh out loud at the bit, but it was like, I suddenly, I was on a flight and I suddenly had the urge to elbow an old lady in the face. Just the way he says it. It's true.

Oh, hell yeah, Sally. Look at that. Nice. Can't wait. Man, the sound of drinks being made is like, maybe it's like that Pavlov's dog shit, but you just get ready and you're like, let's dance. Yeah. You know, you always hear about rich people with their own chef. I want my own bartender at my house. Why not? I don't need a chef. I'll go to Taco Bell, but this I need. Ha.

He's just trying to plan the most unhealthy life possible. I'll go to Taco Bell and have a bartender. That's amazing. Good point. Dude, I'm with you. I want a bartender. How fun would that be? Yeah, and they seem cooler than a chef. I don't know. Chef's like, I need an enabler. I don't want a healthy guy. I'm with you, dude. These are so good. I got you, Mark. If you need bad decisions made, I got you. All right, thank you. By the way, I met your fiancé.

Really? You're getting married? Yep. Everyone's getting married in here or married. The pressure's on. Yeah, yeah. Don't tell your lady. She's going to put the, what do you call it? The talons in there. That's what they do. Yeah. It's not a great deal for the man, but we'll get to this later. Yeah, we celebrate it, but it's a 50-50 success rate.

Completely, yeah. 50-50. Horrible. Horrible. And then the divorce is always ugly, the money, all that shit. It's the kids. But if someone said you have 50% chance for happiness for a lifetime, you take it. You take the chance. Yeah, but just because you're married doesn't mean you're happy for a lifetime. Yeah.

Of course. If the doctor said you got a 50-50 shot of surviving, you're not going to say party's Tuesday. Yeah. You know? The Bill Burr bit. You go skydiving, there's a 50-50% chance the chute will open. You wouldn't go. But with marriage, for some reason, we're like, ah, fuck it. Because...

In that moment, you're certain. So we're celebrating your certainty in at least that moment. Right, right. That's the interesting thing about advice and all the people go live in the now. You got to live in now. It's all about the present. But then they're like, save up. You got to save. You got to make good decisions. You got to think about it. So which one is it? Is it the future or is it now? It's a good point. All right.

I got that weird thing where nobody responded. We're taking what you're saying in. That doesn't mean it's not good. Inside, I'm panicking with the silence. No, no. Finish your reviver. You won't be panicking long, I'll tell you. Panic button. Panic button. Never heard the clip called the panic button. Give that a look. The panic button? I'm telling you, it makes sense. Yeah.

Okay, can I give a, while we're looking that up, can I give a toast? Here's a weird toast, but to good ass socks. Oh, interesting. If you've never worn good socks, you need to wear them. Now, are we talking comfort or are we talking like cool looking? Comfort. Okay. And cool looking. And I got both.

And I'm bringing you and Matt a pair next week. Is this a wreck? No, this is a toast. Right now I got you and Sally. Whoa! Which colors? On his birthday. This is the most Jewish thing you've ever done. I brought you socks. I got you socks. You gotta be comfortable. Oh, wow. Look at these. They fit perfectly. I'm bringing them for you two next week. They're killer. I like socks that fit your feet and that are comfy.

Yeah. And they look good, too. This is amazing. Thank you. Great socks. Soft and thick. I'll tell you. Bring them for these two next week. Shout out to Stance. Send us some free socks. The Bear Jew needs them. You should. I like them. They're really good, but we're... I think socks... It's funny. You can tell you're getting older when you're a kid. You're like, socks. But as an adult, I'm like, socks. I know. Socks as a gift was like a punchline. Like, what are you kidding me? Socks? But you can tell you're getting older when you appreciate comfort,

It's nice. I love it. And I love your attitude. And they're affordable, by the way. You left the price tag on. But socks, the white man's expression. Black guys can wear anything. They look super cool. They got the hair and cornrows and a weird NASCAR jacket and crazy sneakers.

White guys shine through the socks. You ever see some guy pull up and he's got Bart Simpson or fucking Family Guy or something like that? They sell this brand, but Rick and Morty socks. You see? That's what I'm saying. Honky, the socks and the tie is really where a white guy shines. Because we can't go hard on other stuff. When are we getting those free suits, by the way? What happened with that? Oh, yeah. We had a sponsorship where we get free suits. We're going to do a suit episode. That could be a good martini ep, you know? Ooh.

I love it. Suit martinis. That's a great idea. Mad Men. Yes. Oh, do old fashions. Oh, I'm in. Salakus walks by, we grab your ass. Ha ha ha.

Keep it real 50s. What do you got there? We'll do Manhattan's for the fall. Yeah. Fall in New York. Autumn in New York does nothing better. In the fall of this podcast. We're going to get pretty drunk. Oh, yeah. No, the Manhattan's are really... I'm honored. Sometimes I'll talk to the crowd. You know when you hit that 40-minute mark of your set and you've done 40 minutes of jokes and you're like, all right, let me talk to the crowd a little, make this unique. And sometimes I'll be like, what are you drinking over here? Just start it up a little. It gets...

a different energy going. Yeah. So many of our people drink Manhattan's. Really? Yeah. I love that. Because I think they're like real. And by the way, I get the note at the end of the week. I'm sure you get this every time too. They're like, your crowd drinks. Yes. I love the crowd. The comedy club loves them.

They love you. But I mean, I remember opening for Bert Kreischer back in the day and he just jumps on stage shirtless, chugs a beer to open his set and everyone's cheering. And then he like lifts the shot. They all do a shot with them. And I'm like, Oh, the club must love this guy. Oh,

Just because he drinks, they're drinking. He's making them a ton of money. Yeah, I don't know if this is public knowledge, but he's getting a cut of the bar now. Oh, really? I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. I should text him, but it's like this smart business. He's such a great businessman, Bert Kreischer, and a funny guy, and we're doing Red Rocks next week, but...

He's like, he knows the biz. Who can talk more numbers and road dates and like... He's smart. He's a smart guy. Geo-tracking. And who's a better promoter than Burt? Oh my God, that dancing video? Oh my God, that went viral. Incredible. Yeah, man, I love Burt. Yeah, great guy. That's going to be a fun gig.

Oh my god, we're seeing Jimmy Buffett the next night, I'm bringing the lady, I mean, I'm sure Burt's got all this crazy shit in store with like a convertible and a, you know, a coconut bra or something. Something's gonna go down. That's gonna be fun. I'll be in Atlanta that weekend. Hey, Atlanta's great. Yeah, I had to, that hotel stinks. I had to get a different hotel. I've actually never done the punchline. What? I did the old one, the real one. You've never done the punchline? I did the skull. There's also an improv there.

Yeah, I'll be there September 9th through 11th. It's funny to get texts being like, I can't wait for 9-11. Yeah. Because that's when... Oh, man, look at Bird go. He can actually move. Well, that's the thing is he has dance moves. Bird is an athlete and he's...

He just drinks, so he's got that little belly. Little belly? Well, he's got a belly. He's also pushing 50, dude. True. I mean, he truly has the Mickey Mantle thing where... He can dance, and he is an athlete. Oh, yeah. You're telling me if we played baseball or something, Burt couldn't play? Really? I bet he could swing a bat. Oh, I bet he could play, yeah. Yeah. No, he's an athlete.

I didn't say basketball. I said baseball. I said a sport that suits his physique. But I'm saying, like, I feel like Burt could play. Yeah. It's funny. Like, you always hear Mickey Mantle Gene, Mickey Mantle Gene. But I never hear about Mickey Mantle. Well, he died young. Oh.

He was an alcoholic, though. I mean, he's a full-fledged alcoholic. You hate to hear that. I heard he was drinking at the games, drank before the game, after the game, hung over at the game. I think his father died when he was 52, when his father was 52. And when he got to 55, he said, I wish I treated my body better if I knew I was going to live this long.

That's hilarious. Damn. Wow. Well, he, you know, Mickey Mantle, man. Have you ever seen the movie 61? Billy Crystal directed it? Great movie. Yeah. Barry Pepper plays Roger Maris and Thomas Jane plays Mickey Mantle. And it's like...

man mickey mantle is just like there aren't cool many cooler athletes than that guy no just a bad motherfucker had his own restaurant i used to have my birthday there when i was a little kid my family i'd be like i want i was a big yankees fan i still me yankees fan but i was a kid i was like we're going to mickey mantles yeah and my parents like all right mickey mantles for dinner uh wow food yeah not good but i was like i just like mickey mantle yeah no i get it if batman had a restaurant when i was a kid of it we gotta go eat at batman's

Love that well Michael Jordan's got a steakhouse and she yeah and once Chicago that's probably never gonna go out of business, right? I mean Mickey Mantle's went out of business. It was a classic spot I mean dude number seven two is like a classic number all those Yankee numbers were retired right two three all the low numbers are cheaters to Babe Ruth and three Garrick's for Zudo is one was dude is one who's five five is five

All right. Well, Mantle was originally six, then he became seven. There's a Seinfeld about that. That's right. DiMaggio, excuse me. DiMaggio is fine. How the fuck did I forget DiMaggio? Fuck Monroe. I went to Joe DiMaggio Day, and Simon and Garfunkel played. Whoa! Or maybe it was just Paul Simon. They don't play together. Even better. No, I like Garfunkel. No, they did Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio. So cool. It's sad that we've lost that baseball...

kind of a mythical legend thing. That's over. I mean, you had Jeter. Maybe that was the last one. Mark McGuire. It's still great. It's just not as big a sport. I mean, you're still in a baseball. I love baseball. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's a pretty sport, but now it's like Jake Paul. We got to talk about Jake. What? Look, no, we don't have to. And I say we don't. All right.

We have to. Fuck that. We don't have to do that. It's impressive what he's doing, but... From a marketing standpoint, and from... Sure, it's impressive, but it's not like... Are we celebrating...

Being an entrepreneur, we celebrate in greatness. But he's still in the ring with these guys. He's still doing it. He's still face to face. It's not like. That's fine. But I just saw clips. I'm like, this doesn't. It's ugly boxing. It's ugly box. It's not like, do you like the sport or not? I'm not. Boxing is not one of my top three or four favorite sports. Yeah. But just watching it for someone who doesn't even know boxing. I'm like, well, this isn't good.

Sure. It's more of like the feet like, hey, got here. This guy set this up and he's making a hundred million dollars. This is crazy. This YouTube star. No, he's rich for sure. You know what it feels like? It feels like when a meme guy blows up and you're like, we're out there grinding it. We're cutting our teeth. We're bombing. So that's why we shouldn't be talking about my argument, because there are real boxers who are like putting the work. Sure. Putting the work. But it's like, come on, putting the work at that level. Yeah. Yeah. But it's it. I'm torn on it.

because he made it. He got up there, but he did it a different way. And then I'm like, but it's ugly, but he still did it. And he's still in the ring, but it's not pretty. So I'm torn. Well, clearly he loves boxing, right? I mean, he loves it enough to dedicate this much of his time to it. And,

he wants to be a real boxer, but it's like, shit, man, Mickey Rourke did this shit in the 80s, right? Oh, yeah? Fucked his face up real bad. Yeah. That's true. I mean... He was a hunk. Oh, dude. And now look at him. Mickey Rourke was hot. Yeah, yeah. Young Mickey Rourke. Now he looks like Joan Rivers. I mean, he's all fucked up. Jesus Christ. Love Joan. Big fan of Joan. Mickey Rourke, though, in the 80s, Pope of Greenwich Village, Mickey Rourke, Angel, Boogie and Diner. Come on. Dreamboat. He was a dreamboat. Look at that.

What a sexy guy. That might be the last of the... I guess Clooney is like the last of like the suave, dapper, cool dude. That type of dude. Like rugged too? Yes. Because Pitt is like almost too pretty. Yeah. Oh my God. That is appalling. Poor bastard. It's a human being, Mark. Jesus Christ. Sorry, but...

Wow. But it's just wild that the transformation. Yeah. I mean, he's such a terrific actor. I guess his comeback with SimCity and I mean, it speaks to his abilities and actor that he's still relevant because. Yeah. Yeah. It's like clearly he's not a dude that just like was like, it's all about my looks. He has. I mean, the wrestler is incredible. Incredible. And boy, it hits the heartstrings. I just watched the.

This guy, give this a go. The guy who's doing the Malice of the Palace, the Untold series, the Caitlyn Jenner one. You got to watch Malice of the Palace tonight if you can, because I want to talk to you about it tomorrow. Do you see it yet? Not yet. Oh, my God. Whoever this guy is who's making the or gal who's making these is so talented at editing and laying this shit out. I might not be watching tonight and I'll tell you why.

I started the Steve Martin, Martin Short series on Hulu. Oh. I'm really into it. Oh, really? I love it. I didn't even know about it. It's a murder mystery, but it's funny. It's Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez. Wow, interesting. She's not a great actress, but they are. Yeah. She's not horrible. She's just not, like, they're incredible. I thought Selena was killed.

All right, all right. Sorry, that shows my age there. But Martin Short, dude, that guy is like, has there ever been a human being since like Rodney that just oozes funny the way Martin Short? Yeah. Like he can't not be hilarious. I've seen Clifford 8,000 times. I've seen Three Amigos 8,000 times. Three Amigos rules. It rules. I love it. John Lovitz, dude. Ha ha.

I'll tell you what I've been rewatching. Every episode is on YouTube and I hope they don't take it down from me saying it. One of the best shows ever, in my opinion, and it only lasted two seasons before it got canceled. The Critic. John Lovitz. Oh, I love The Critic. They're all on YouTube. Dude, it's Mike, Mike Reese and Al Jean who are like season one Simpsons writers. And, uh,

James L. Brooks. Yes. And love it. And it's all movies. And the jokes are amazing. A lot of topical. A lot of it doesn't age well. But man, the jokes were good. I showed it to my girlfriend. She was like, this is really good. It's great. I think it holds up. A lot of Orson Welles jokes. I don't know if younger people are going to get it all the way. But it's great. I love it. People who don't like movies. I'm like, what are you talking about? They're fucking. I know. Who are you? It's art.

We grew up on that. Our parents didn't want to watch us. They said, hey, watch the Back to the Future marathon, you loser. My mom was doing some Laurel and Hardy. I had a cool mom, dude. Marx Brothers, baby. Dude, what were we talking about? I'm sorry. Oh, just these mouths of the palace are unreal. And then I watched the Caitlyn Jenner one, which is like...

It's great. I heard it's great. Because people all just talk about Caitlyn, Caitlyn, and they go, Bruce, Wheaties, Wheaties. They're like, this guy was a nobody, and he became the decathlon winner of the Olympics, gold medal. Just, that's a guy from upstate New York, mentally tortured, obviously, and trained every day. And it's all like grassroots, figured it out for himself, had no trainer, jogged every day, had a girlfriend. She hated it. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

So just to see how he won the Olympics. I got to see both of those. It's great. Everybody, I can't get this. I can't get that. This sucks. That sucks. It's because I'm this. It's because this guy just boots on the ground, made it happen. And it's inspiring. I love...

I love Ron Artest, so I gotta watch that documentary. Oh, yeah. Metal World Peace. I mean, that's a Roosevelt Island. I believe he's from, like, that part of... Really? Marcy Projects, maybe? Marcy Projects, sorry, not Roosevelt. Oh, Brooklyn? They're right next to each other. No, Queens. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a bad dude. Nas is from there. He's a little nutty too. He's nutty, but he's also kind of like a sweet, tortured soul. I mean, I loved his game. He was a terrific... Knicks passed on him, and I still remember they passed on him and Baron Davis to get Frederic Weiss, a French guy who his best credit as a basketball player is...

to Americans is Vince Carter dunking over him. Literally Vince Carter's nuts in his mouth. Oh, wow. You get, you can get the picture of Vince Carter over Frederick vice. Just so you know what I'm talking about. Pull it up. But, uh,

No, Ron Artest should have been drafted by the Knicks, but then he admittedly was like, I was hung over for the fucking, for the workout. Oh, damn. I mean, look at that. That's one of the meanest dunks in NBA history. Why did they hire this fucking frog? Isn't this during a USA versus France? Look at this. You're going to pick a French guy? I'm just so confused with the Knicks decision there. It was not a good decision. I say that.

No, it might be. It's right up here. It's right up here. Look. Look at this. Nice little bell behind the back pass. There we go. Look at that. And he steals it. Oh! Literally jumped over the guy. Are we going to be able to show that, Matt? I love that. Oh, my God. Yeah, that reads. That is fucking nasty. Vince Carter played until he was like 41, too. He ruled. Wow.

That was ugly. Went over the guy's head. Well, you do. So the, but the malice in the palace is a must watch as well. Unbelievable. I got my gal there. She couldn't give two shits about basketball or sports in general. And she's on the edge of her twat. Just like, Oh my God. Sitting on a towel. She's on the panic button.

She loves Jermaine O'Neal. Jermaine O'Neal's a decent guy, you can tell. Sweet guy. He was the glue. And he really got fucked by Artest losing his shit. They were saying he was going to be a next kind of all-star great kind of in that Kevin Durant world. And then this fucked his whole life up.

I don't know if he was. He was great. Durant's on another level. Oh, boy. No, he was an all-star. He was a terrific player. Yeah. 20 and 10. I mean, he was a killer. Yeah, they said it was them two, Artest and O'Neal. Then they got Steve Jackson. Steven Jackson? Yeah, he could kill it. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, and him and Artest were kind of like street guys. Yeah. And then that's when the fist fighting ensued. Yeah, Jackson...

Grew up with George Floyd actually they were they and they look alike so it's very weird So he was very very important Arthur. Am I insane? Oh boy Yeah, and so is Floyd originally oh really yeah, yeah, is that right he moved to They're both originally from Texas

Yeah, Jackson and Floyd. The range on this pod. We can go Ron Artest to Martin Short in two seconds. Yeah, well, we got range. Hey, good call there, Sal. Well, I know because I photographed him. Whoa! I interviewed him once. He's a cool guy. He had sunglasses on the entire time I interviewed him. This is a picture of his belly. You took that, man? I took that picture. That's incredible. Wow, I have the same tattoo. Isn't that wild? Crazy. What are the odds?

Damn. Yeah, I love that shit. I love... Because that's what I'm missing in sports is that I want the personality. I want to know who the guy is. So I just see a guy shooting a basketball. I'm like, eh, what are you going to do? But then when you get to the nitty gritty and behind the scenes, I'm like, that's why I like comics. That's how I get people into basketball because I'm obsessed with basketball, you know, and I want the women I date to be into basketball. Sure. That's a tall order. It's a tall order. No pun intended. And so is he, I'll tell you. He's all right. No, but...

you know, he's an interesting guy, Jackson, you know, so is our test. So, I mean, to be this, I mean, that, that fight was insane, insane, unprecedented. And they have it from multiple angles. You see footage they never showed on TV. So it's, you're going to, you're going to be jizzing the whole, the whole movie. You're going to fucking love it. It's so well done. It's going to look like this. Oh, yeah.

This is good, dude. Really good. Corpse Reviver. What kind of donut is this in the middle? I have to have a piece. I think they're all the same, right? Yeah, they're all the same, but it's hard for me to not eat this. I think they're the same. This is different. See, the genius of the donuts is they're hollow, basically, on the inside. Did you get a piece there, Beer Jew? You gotta have some of this. Bar Jew, aha. Are we going beer or bar? I like Bar Jew. Bar Jew is better. Yeah, it's better. But Beer Jew...

He's closer to bear Jew. But he's not serving beer. He's a bar Jew. You're right. All right. That works. Not anywhere close to Jewish, but I'll take it. What's not close to Jewish? I wish I was. Huh? He said not close to Jewish. You wish you were a Jew. Oh, yeah. Really? Big fan. Well, I got no flavor. At least you guys, you're oppressed. You got a background. You got something. You got the... I mean, I'm circumcised. I'm doing stand-up comedy. I live in New York. I'm...

Appropriating the whole thing. You're right there. Yeah. Early hair. Old bit, yeah. I got a good rec for you guys. Please. Old movie. Watched it the other night. It's starring Robert Mitchum. Ooh. It's from, I believe, 55. It's called Night of the Hunter. Ooh. It's basically like a horror suspense movie, but it's the type of horror I like where it's kind of like psychological and suspenseful and...

Basically, the premise is this young boy and girl, the boys probably like seven, the girls maybe like four, five. Their father robs a bank and kills two people, steals $10,000, which I guess went a long way in a small town back then. Sure. Yeah.

He gets arrested right in front of them, and he tells his son where the money's hidden, but only the little son knows where it is. He shares a cell in prison with Robert Mitchum's character, who is like a corrupt preacher, who's like really religious, but a scumbag. He's trying to rip people off. They share a cell, and he goes, tell me where the money is, and he won't tell him. But then he gets sentenced to death, and Robert Mitchum befriends the family and marries the mother. Whoa.

So he is torturing them to find out where the money is. So he just wants the money. Yeah. Wow. It's pretty good. And it turns into like a horror movie. And it's really, really cool. What a premise. There's great scenes. It's scary. It's dark. And Mitchum is incredible in it. Like that guy could fucking act, dude. Yeah. And there's like some of those great 50s scenes. She finds, she marries Mitchum, you know, who's this horrible person. She's going through his jacket and she pulls out a knife and she just goes...

Oh, men. The bar was so low for us back then. Yes. All you had to do was, if you asked a man anything, they'd be like, back off. You're like, all right. It was so easy to be a man in the 50s. That's great. So you get a little comedy. If you were white. Let me settle that. I'm not saying it's easy for everybody. Yeah.

If you're a good looking white guy, but that's, that's so funny. Cause, uh, it, that was, was that a joke then? Or is that a joke now? Or was that just like, yeah, man, you know, in 55. Oh man. I don't know. I think she was sort of looking the other way of bad deeds. And that was the joke at the time. Yeah. And now it's like, oh, look what fifties guys can get away with. Yeah. That's hilarious. It's kind of like when people say boys will be boys, you know, they would always do some crazy shit.

It's a great movie. Highly recommend it. I believe it's streaming on Amazon. Ooh, I'm in. But let me ask you and be honest. Yeah. Is this is 1955. This is black and white. Yeah. Is it?

Are there points where you're like, I want to look at my phone here. It's a little slow. It is 55. I think the first... You just have to get into it. Give it 10 minutes. Once you're like 10 minutes in, no, I didn't look at my phone once. I'm all in on it. All right, I'm in. It's entertaining. It takes a minute, but...

I'll put it this, it's only an hour and a half, the movie. So there's one point at like 50 minutes in, you're like, how is this gonna keep going? Because do you think they've blown their wad and then they find a new way to, it's surprising. What a twist. There's twists. It's really good. Wow, same director as Spartacus 1960 and Mutiny on the Bounty 1935. Wow. Yeah. You think this is a game, dude? Yeah.

Also, the kid, the little girl is a pretty bad actress, but that's all right. I mean, Mitchum is so good that it doesn't matter. It's no Tatum O'Neil. I haven't seen that. I got to see that. Paper Boone? I got to see that. Oh! It's incredible? It's incredible. Just the grifts in it alone are like, how did they come up with this? They must have had a grifter guy tell them the moves because they're so well thought out and they work. You're like, that makes sense. That's brilliant. It's great.

I gotta watch that. It's basically a buddy cop, but you know, it's just the dynamic between this guy and his kid. It's incredible that it's actual father and daughter. Yes. And I hear he was a terrible guy though, wasn't he? Is that right? Didn't he bang Farrah Fawcett? I think they were married when she died. He banged a lot of people. Yeah, he was a playboy back in the day. Who else did he date? Look up Ryan O'Neal, man. You got it. Oh yeah, he was one of those cocksman guys, you know, he fucked everyone, kind of like Warren Beatty.

Warren Beatty. I saw him on a plane once. He looked pretty good. Yeah, well, Warren Beatty, he fucked everybody, and then he just married a hot 30-year-old. Oh, Alan McGraw. Alan McGraw. Oh, thank God. He fucked everyone, and then he married Annette Bening, who was 30 years younger. Then I'm like, you can't plan it better than that. That's not even fair. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, Ryan O'Neal, man.

Barbara Streisand, Diana Ross, Angelica Houston. Wait a minute. Is he 5'1"? Bianca Jagger. That can't be right. Where do you see it? Oh, 6'1". Sorry. I thought that said 5'. I've been drinking. Ursula Andress. Catwoman. Bond. Oh, wow. Bianca Jagger. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Jacqueline Bessette is nothing to sneeze at either. Yeah, he's a Hollywood matinee handsome man there. Matinee good looks.

All right, I got a wreck for you. Hit me. Wait, where is he from? Oh, shit, sir. Well, give a guess. You're good at this. Sponsored by BetterHelp. What's the end of the way of achieving your goals? Figure it out with BetterHelp.

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Dot com slash drunk for 10% off your first month. Better help dot com slash drunk. Sign up for better help to start living a happier life. Los Angeles, California. Boy, oh boy. Ryan O'Neill, born in Los Angeles, California. It's never as fun when they're from L.A. Why? Because it's like, oh, you were born in Hollywood. You're already there. I like when they get on a bus with a shitty suitcase and truck it all the way over there from Tulsa, Oklahoma. That's a story.

All right, here's my rec. Now buckle up for this one. I might need help with the title. Hit me. These are really fucking me up here. So I got to focus. I think it's called Mishka and the Wolves. Netflix documentary just came out, much like the Barjoo, but unbelievable Misha. There it is. I don't want to give anything away because there's so many twists and turns in this thing. It's going to make you shit blood. This is a documentary? This thing is bananas. Yes. Yes.

This woman was a Holocaust survivor in Belgium, ran away, lived with wolves in the woods as a seven-year-old. Parents killed. Moves to Massachusetts, eventually gets out, the whole thing. They write a book about her, and then it all comes out. That's all I'm saying. Only two stars. Yes!

But it's great? It's unbelievable. I'm watching with the lady. We're riveting. We're like, what is this bullshit? Let's give it a shot. Who's this old bag? Here we go. And then 20 minutes in, you're biting your nails. You stopped eating the popcorn. The phone is away. You can't put it down. Is that your movie snack, popcorn? Yeah. How do you take it?

I put it in the microwave. What do you mean? I don't know. There's flavors. There's butter, salted. Is that a crazy thing? Do people do kettle corn? Is this crazy? No, no. I'll tell you what I don't do is put the M&Ms in it.

Alright, well I'm sorry. I don't know. Sorry for recommending that one time. I put the popcorn in the mic and I move on with my life. I'm sorry I recommended the auto erotic asphyxiation of popcorn trying to combine two pleasures into one. And I've put my dick in the box and it doesn't work. I've tried that. My dick's not long enough. It's hot. It doesn't feel good. Your dick just gets buttery. Salt in my b-hole.

It's a nightmare. Yeah, I would have just jerked you off if you asked me. Why do you have to trick me into this shit? Well, it's fun. That box is pretty long. It's like a seven-inch box. Let's be honest. Throw some gummy worms in there. The trigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little cup of ice cream. It's more realistic. Dig deeper. That's such a fucking hilarious move that that...

Yeah, that caught on for a hot minute. Being a man used to be, you used to really just be able to do whatever you wanted. Oh, yeah. You know what movie that's from? Let's see. Let's do a little trivia there. Not Porky's. No. Where's it from? That's a different dick in the hole. I know it. What is it? I think it's Diner. Is it? I don't think so. I think it's Mickey Rourke if we're going all the way full circle. Did Boogie pull that shit? I think so. Give it a go. I think it's the Rourkemeister.

Yeah, there it is. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're digging the popcorn. Is it diner? It is. Thank you. Is it Mickey Rourke? It is. Thank you. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Who did he pull it on? Ellen Barkin? Oh, I hope so. I can't tell who that actress is. No, it's not Ellen Barkin.

Look at that smile on his face. She's going for it. His name was Boogie. What did you expect? You thought you were going to go on a date with Boogie and not get the dick in the popcorn box trick? That's on you. Okay. Also a racial slur.

Boogie? Yeah. Really? Yeah, it's one of the outskirt racial slurs. Is that because it's like Jungle Boogie? Yeah, exactly. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by my bookie. Football's back, baby. Oh, my Giants, man. I can't wait. You're a Saints guy? Hell yeah. Who dat?

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To receive double your first deposit and get started with MyBookie today. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with MyBookie. The tattoo is really, it makes you wonder. Jake Paul comes out with a giant robot, tattoos. He's got his belt, says his name on it, like in digital writing. You know, it's like scrolling. Where is it going to go? It can only go up, but...

Where- Did you ever get a tattoo? Nah, I can't commit. It's too much. It's too much, and I'm not cool enough. I don't know. What am I gonna get? You know what it is? It's like, a tattoo's almost being like, "I'm fucking cool."

Yeah, or tough. I don't know. It looks good. Girls, we have a lot of them. I like it. Really? I like a lot. If you have one, I'm like, yeah, you fucked up. If they have a ton, like they commit, I'm into it. But what am I going to do? What are we going to do? What are you going to do? Star David, flirt a league? Come on.

It's just, I also don't have faith. There are people who probably got Cosby tattoos, like, this is my guy. And you're like, all right. Certain shit changes. The meaning changes. I don't know. Yeah, I regret the Epstein one. But other than that. I got a Jelaine one on my bag. It's pretty cool. Woo.

I'll tell you. Fine as Epstein hanging himself. You're hung like Epstein. Yeah, like I like that. That looks hot to me. But if you had one. I'm just not that into that. I'm not really. I'm old school. I'm not really into like piercings really. Like especially surprise ones. Yeah, I don't like that really.

I don't mind piercing. Because you just like, you know, like I remember years ago I hooked up with this girl. She had a pierced, you know, you know what down there. Panic button? And I'm kind of like, no, can you give me a heads up? I don't know if your fucking vagina is messed up or something. Can you tell me what's going on here? Right. What goes on there with the airport? Is that a beep beep moment? I don't know. Maybe it's not enough metal to set off the... It's a weird moment, I think, though. It's a very strange...

That's tough. I've never had the clit. I've had a lot of nip, which I think is overrated. I'm not a big fan. I don't like it. Cuomo. Phil Hanley is a joke. Those are how I got used to the metal straws. Oh, that's great. That's a great angle. Handman. Sold his book. I know. He deserves it, man. Phil Hanley. Check him out. You know, we...

yeah i'm not a big fan of the pierced nipples man i don't either i like a nip i want to suck it i want to nibble i want to lick no to me the thing is in the way what are you gonna do if you have a baby he's gonna be like a fucking punk rocker now he's just sucking on it yeah he's gonna get lead poisoning but yeah yeah i don't know i like the tats but i don't again there's gonna be a million old folks home ladies covered in tats isn't that weird isn't that weird yeah crazy damn

I hear those old folks on people all fuck each other, by the way. Yeah? That's what I hear. I'll tell you. Getting older might not be so bad. Yeah. I read the Shaky Acres newsletter and it's pretty sultry. They all get COVID. They're just eating each other's ass. Jesus. This is crazy. Now that's a question. Do you think back in the

40s, were they eating ass and just not talking about it? Or... Yeah. I think so. Sure. Because it's all there. You think we've had these bodies for thousands of years where we're like, eating ass. Discovered in 1989. No, it's been around. Alright. I wonder if there's any rules about someone our age moving into an old folks home. Could we do that? There's a great book. Why couldn't we? There's a great book called Early Birth. That's ageist. Oh.

Yeah, I think you're taking advantage of the system here, Sally. Also, there's a great book called Early Bird by Rodney Rothman, who wrote for Letterman. He also wrote Into the Spider-Verse. He's a really great writer. But he retired early after being head writer of Letterman, I think, and just lived in an old folks community. And it's really good. It's a really funny book.

And real story. Yeah. Real story. Memoir. And he like it's it's pretty crazy. The story. I dug it. I really liked it. Wow. There's a documentary about this old folks kind of like compound in in Florida. And it's amazing. I can't remember the name of the duck. Oh, I saw it. It's killer. Yeah. I think you might erect it. I did. Yeah. It was so well done.

But yeah, old folks are living life because they're like, we're going to die soon. So we might as well yuck it up, you know? Yuck it up, man. Yeah. Fuck each other. Get drunk. You know, dance.

swim you ever think like when a plane's going down it's probably not enough time but you think like if a plane's going down people just start like yeah let's just try to get off one more time do you think like if it's like about to crash or you just like whip it out some kind of heaven that's some kind of heaven remember in a naked gun when uh they're at the baseball game and it's like we're gonna bomb this place like if i'm going out i'm going out happy oh it's the oscars naked gun the second one and brian dennehy or whatever that guy's name it what

that guy's name? Leslie Nielsen? No, the chief. Kennedy? Kennedy, Brian Kennedy. No, Roy Kennedy. No, shit, I can't think of his name. Shit, he's from Cool Hand Luke. He won an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke. George Kennedy. Thank you. George Kennedy. Boom, we figured it out between the three of us. Great actor. He grabs a woman, he goes, I'm going out, I'm going out to happen. He just makes out with some model. It was like the funniest, most ridiculous nothing scene, but it made me laugh as a kid. Dude, I fucking love The Naked Guns. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Dude, yeah, George Kennedy fucking rocked. Oh, man. The scene where he beats the shit out of Paul Newman is incredible. Take it off here, boss. And he won't...

He won't back down, man. Yeah. Good boy, Luke. By the way, the woman washing her car in that movie. Oof. Still hot to this day. You know, a lot of people are like, she was the hottest woman in 1928. You look at her like, this looks like my aunt. But this lady, still hot. You should see your aunt. She looks good, brother. I'll tell you. Look at this lady. I mean, talk about a buxom.

Ha-cha, ma-cha, hi-ya, hoo-ya. Look at that. Boy, oh boy, we gotta change the channel. Cool Hand Luke is fucking awesome. It's in my top ten. Is it? Yeah, for sure. Paul Newman just fucking rules. Like, Hud, The Hustler, Cool Hand, like, The Verdict. Kardashian body in the 60s, by the way. Yeah, The Verdict, I mean. The Verdict, I gotta rewatch. I feel like that's, like, one of the best. Mammoth, that's like a prime Mammoth script. Yeah. Yeah, this always comes back to me. Give me a bit.

- All right, there's no, may not be much here. Let me try this. - Please, I feel like I bombed last week. - Well, I feel like mine are either working or they're nothing. That's where I'm at. So let me try one that's nothing. Here's an idea I had. It's kind of like, sometimes I'll date a woman and we'll be fighting and then she starts crying.

And I'm like, and she's like, why you didn't care? And I'm comforting her because she's crying. She's like, you didn't care until I started crying. And I'm like, yeah, I thought we were going to fight fair. I didn't know we were playing dirty here. Yeah. I think one of the angles is like,

How women crying during a fight is almost more impressive than the Force in Star Wars. Because, like, yeah, he can lift Luke and stuff, but at no point is Luke like, I'm so sorry, Darth. I'm so sorry. Right, right. Yeah. The only difference is they both have the Force. That's true. You know, my brain went... This is a great premise. My brain went to...

You guys are fist fighting and she pulls out a knife. Right. And you're like, what the fuck? You brought tears to a word fight. Yes. That's a great line. Is it? But like you go to the bank and like imagine pulling the gun out and they're like,

Oh, you're like, oh, you didn't give a shit till I had a gun. Yes, the gun changes things. I don't have a gun. You have a gun. I can't cry. You can cry. The bank angle is good. Yeah, I like the bank angle. You got a big bit here. I'll tell you, it's all right. The bit, it's all right. What do you got? Remember my old bit about the, you ever see a roach that flies? Dude, you ran this by me like 11 years ago. It killed once. And I was like, I got a new bit. And they don't fly in New York. You guys don't have flying roaches here. That's a New Orleans thing. Oh, thank God.

But you know when you're up against it with a shoe in your hand, you're going at the roach on the wall, and then it starts flying. My analogy was it's like when you're fighting with a woman and she starts crying. You're like, I'm out. You won. I love that. I love that. Yeah, no, the crying is unfair. It's unfair. It's a back pocket knife. We didn't, or a gun. Like, we didn't agree on this. What do we have? Hitting. But we can't use that. But we can't use that.

Remember years ago Ted Alexander had a hilarious bit and he goes I would never ever hit a woman But I have been fighting with a woman and I was like this is when a man hits a woman

That's so great. So funny. Man, such a simple twist too. It's perfect. But I mean, just preface it, knowing he's a good guy who would never do that, you're like, okay, go for it. You've made this bit workable, you know? Yeah. Chris Rock, I'd shake the shit out of one. I mean, how funny is that? Just picturing that. That's like a cartoon. But like, yeah, I will never. I mean, the thing is we have nothing. They have crying. And the thing is like,

Most women, I know I'm gonna get shit for like generalizing here, most women probably feel more deeply than we do. - That's true. - They're probably more sensitive. - That's true. - So in some ways that's a curse, I'm sure. - Yeah. - But then also-- - That's why we allow it. 'Cause you're like, oh, you're a lady with emotional stuff. - You're more thoughtful. - Yeah.

Oh, yes. Although I just get my friend socks. I'm pretty thoughtful. You are. But here's the clinker. If you could learn, you know, they have those, oh, this could be something. You know, they have those self-defense classes for women where the guy pulls a knife out and they learn how to whatever. You have to now learn how to block the crying. That should be a class for men. Like somehow when crying, when a woman starts crying, you learn some moves to get out of it. Like Tai Chi, but cry Chi. Cry Chi. Yes. Cry Chi. Cry Chi.

I love it. She's like, I'm like, ooh, your mother. Oh, yeah. Transferring the energy back. Exactly. Flip it on them. Yes. What do you got? We got something here. This is joke writing 102. It's always 101. I'm moving it up to 102.

These donuts are just staring at us. I know. I feel like I'm on Weight Watchers here. And I've been on the road. I eat like shit every day because I'm on the road. Well, we only come back to New York and drink out daily. It's the sound of our livers right now. What do you got? Just Yahtzee. That's what I tell myself.

All right. I'm trying to work on this whole, get that thing away from me, you sick son of a bitch. God, I can't stop him. Just a little bit. No, it's too much. That's funny. You don't have to drink it. Give it to Matt. Give it to my dad. Look, Matt's fucking... Matt doesn't drink. He's turned. I know. He's a dad. He's got to drive the school bus after this. You should have to pour that by going like this. Okay.

Those kids are getting taken away. All right. Day drink. It's pretty early. Divorce. It's the new Kramer versus Kramer. Look at him just drinking on a podcast during the day. Yeah, this is horrible evidence for the court hearing. They got video footage of you in a Hawaiian shirt at four drinking a cocktail with a professional bartender on video.

I swear to God, I'm equipped to have kids. What do you got? I have too much fun here. All right. Well, I feel like we really took that bit to the moon, so this one's fucked. But all right. I'm doing this whole bit about how much better looking, talking about generalizing, how much better women are looking than men. Oh, my God. I say women look better the more skin they're showing. Bikini, miniskirt, lingerie. Men look better the more covered up.

Uniform, tuxedo, business suit. Then I got this whole thing about how a female strip club should be a man coming out naked and putting clothing on. At the end, he's a fireman. And you're like, that's hot. Fireman is the hottest guy because they're literally covered in four inches of flame retardant Kevlar. Like, that's how far away from your body they are.

How hot is that? And they're covered in that because they're saving lives. Like, it's connected to being a hero, too. Right, right. It's weird that a suit is heroic for men because a lot of them are just fucking monsters. That's true. Yeah, yeah. They're stealing some old lady's money. But they're like, ooh, that guy's hot.

This is like a Seinfeldian bit here, kind of, you know? Yeah, well, I've been trying to write cleaner because I got a ton of sex stuff and racial and gay and trans. So I'm trying to get some clean stuff in because you got to mix it up. You got to. Yeah, I like it. I like a good clean joke. So then I added your part in. This is why comedy is so fascinating. This is a two-year-old bit, this new thing I'm putting in, that I just sat on the shelf and now it's connecting to this and it's killing.

So I say women don't even like men's bodies. Even a hairy chest they like because they rip the shirt off. They're like, thank God, more coverage. But the dildo is just the dick. Men go blow up doll, sex. We want the whole thing. The dildo is just that literally just the six inches of plastic. And then four. Yeah.

Four into the plastic, but that could be a fun little punchline in there. Six, four. But yeah, so even the pleasuring, we use a blow-up doll or a sex doll, they just use the dildo.

So it's literally just as little of the man they can get. Just the dick. Interesting. Yeah, men have sex robots. Women are like, I want the robot. No, I want it to move, but I want it to be like, it's barely moving. Right, right. We still want you to moan and all that shit. Yeah, we want that. Women, it's moving, but it's just fucking vibrating. It's just vibrating. Yeah, exactly. Women have taken a feature from the phone. Well, that's...

That's how little it's moving. Right, right. You're doing the same thing. Men are like, we want every part. Women are like, give me the same features when I get a missed call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want that call. That's true, yeah. Yeah, so it's hitting now, and the strip club part is really doing well. I had a thought about the strip club thing. Please, I need more on that. When you go to a male strip club,

They all come out as like cops, doctors, firemen. Women love jobs. I thought about that, but someone has that. I did a Seinfeld bit today. Well, you're on the right track. That means you're fucking... I mean, we were literally obsessed so we know what's been done, but that means your mind is in the right place, though, Matt. Great minds. But that's a great...

Great angle, but if that hadn't been done, I would definitely throw that in. Yeah. Yeah, somebody has the jobs thing. It's so true. Women don't come out. They come out in a bikini or a bra. It's not like accountant. Right, right. If anything, a job is going against what we want. We're like, when are we going to see you? Ha ha.

When are we going to see that ass? Yeah, you're a flight attendant? I wanted to fuck. You're on Bali or whatever. But yeah, all right. That's why men like French May because you're like, she'll come to clean and she'll fucking let me fuck her. And she doesn't speak the language. As little connection as possible. Yeah, exactly. That's funny. There's something there.

All right, so I think I think we got some too hot bit and that bit could be clean to the crying thing That's clean. That's clean. I thought we were fighting fair. I'm gonna hit yeah, all right It's like when you go up to fight a guy and then he sits he stands up when he gets like four inches taller Like well, I didn't know you had this brass knuckle. She's using brass knuckles. So you guys are drunk. I'm gonna produce here Do you have any spots you have to do? Yeah, I

Three. No, not spots. I mean ads. Oh, Jesus Christ. Thank you, brother. Who called it a spot? Good job, Salakou Spots. All right. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum. Oh, man. Smoking. It's hard to quit. I used to smoke a pack a day when I was in seventh grade.

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Woo. What an F. Any parting words there, Sister Hazel? Well, Salacuse and I have been working on this project for a super long time. You're in it, brother. It's a documentary we made. Yeah, we got Colin Quinn in it, Dave Attell, Ray Romano, Sam Jay, Chris Redd from SNL.

Taylor Tomlinson, literally. - Ronny Chang. - Ronny Chang. Sal Vulcano from the Jokers. Bobby Kelly. There's so many of your favorite comics are in this. Joe List. - Yeah. - Phil Hanley, Joe Mackey. - The trailer is out right now on your Twitter. - Deena Hashem. It's on my socials. You can see the trailer.

The trailer for this, it should come out early September. I don't see it taking longer than that. We got a fucking... We got a piece right here. I'm proud of this. It's called Full Capacity. It'll be on my YouTube channel. Look out for that shit. In the meantime, I'll be in Atlanta, Punchline. I'll be at...

Millardville, Pennsylvania, Philly Helium. We got St. Louis Helium coming up. Springfield, Indianapolis, everything on samorell.com slash shows. Look out for other dates. Denver. Stay tuned for the Patreon where we're going to talk mad shit about our documentary.

Oh, really? Yeah. Easy, Sally. Okay, we got Denver, Phoenix, fucking Chicago, everything, every city we're hitting. So, samoreal.com slash shows. Mark, tell them what's up, dude. Woo, baby, we're cooking. We're on a roll here. The pod's cooking. We're on the road. Docs are coming out. I got a Netflix coming out November 1st, half hour.

We'll see how that goes. Albany, Funny Bone, this weekend. West Palm Beach, Improv in Florida. Comedy Connection in Providence. Madison, Wisconsin. Comedy on State. Nashville, Zanies. Rochester, New York. Richmond, Funny Bone got canceled. They're still not open yet because of COVID. Portland, Helium. One of my faves. Laugh, Boston. Brea in California. Vancouver in B.C.,

New Orleans, Royal Oak. I'm right on your heels there. Atlanta Buckhead Theater. So come on by, say hello, check out the pod, check out the Patreon, I mean. - Patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod. Email us at [email protected]. Gotham Studios killing it. The Barjoo killing it here. - Yes. - We got Salicus, we got fucking Matt Peters running Gotham Studios killing it. - Yeah! - This podcast is taking flight. You guys.

Tell your friends if you're loving this. Don't forget the big one. The fat cat rye is on the way. We're pushing it. Don't worry. I know. I got my lawyer looking at the contract right now. I'm sure it's fine. The Lord Jew, we call him. Well, that's kind of redundant. But yeah. But yeah, yeah. So check that out when that comes out. People keep saying, we need a T-shirt. We need a poster. No, no, we're saving all of it for the rye. So...

Good looking out. We love you. Alt-Rai. And have a good night. Thanks, guys. Praise Allah.