Ep 36: The Last Word
01:13:04 Share

We might be drunk.

Yeah. Yo. Hey, here we are. We're starting it up. We might be drunk. Good to be back. I haven't seen you all week. It's been a week. Yeah, yeah. We both went to our respected gigs and then come back. And you did. And you did it. You taped the special. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Forgot all about it. Tell me about it. It was great. COVID guidelines. You take the special. Corporate guidelines are tough for that. You know Sam Black? Yeah, yeah. The legendary audience warm-up. Or what do you call it? Cedar? She's an audience coordinator. Coordinator. She's a legend because one time... She's so intimidating. Yeah. Our best friend is comics because...

She makes sure the house is packed. She makes sure people know how to behave in the show. But one time, apparently, I think it was during an Anthony Jeselnik tape, and it was someone, it might have been Jeselnik,

They were so scared of her that they peed their pants. Shut up. Yeah, they were like, I don't want to mess up the taping. And she gets people so in line. Wow. That someone pissed themselves. Oh, my God. So she's my gal. She's on our side. Jeez, Louise. That's wild. Yeah. Yeah, she is brassy. She is a brassy broad. She's a real New Yorker.

Is she? Yeah. I brought it up. She's from like the Cayman Islands and the Caspian Sea. Yeah, but she's been here forever, though. She's been here forever, yeah. She banged, what's his face? Oh! What are you talking about? She can't be saying this. No, it's a joke. What's that guy's name? Walk on the Wild Side? Lou Reed. Lou Reed! Yeah.

Who's more of a New Yorker than Lou Reed? I thought you were giving real gossips. No, no, no, no. She seems like somebody who's like, ah, I was hanging out with Warhol and all them in the factory. Yes. But either way, I love her. She's so cool. She's got so many stories. And we got to chatting. And she said this might be the last, because Delta was kicking up. So it might be the last unmasked performance in a while. And I was like, Jesus. She's like, we just slid right in. We're lucky to be here. I was like, oh, man. That's what Lou Reed said to her.

There we go. There was one lady's whole job was to go, to tell you to pick up the mask. That was her whole job. So what do you mean? They'd pick up the mask for- Like if you're backstage and the mask is down here, she'd go, beep, beep, beep. Wow. And you had to go, oh shit, sorry. To you or to everybody? Everybody. Everybody. Wow, what a weird guy. Staff, crew, talent. This year sucks. I know. I hate it. I thought we were coming out of it. But-

Everything else aside from Coe was gangbusters, without a hitch. I saw Taylor. We hung out. Brian Simpson and I are fast friends. We made love. He's great. You farted him? Well, anally. I don't know if that counts, but he's a great guy and a great comic. Yeah, I've seen the clips. He did a clip on...

on david spade show back in the day i think i sent it to you yeah you did yeah it was killer killer about how racism is like pennies that's there but no one no one talks about it or something i can't i'm butchering it but smart smart stuff uh but yeah great we got i think we got in the can on the first one and then the second one i got loosey goosey yeah to the point where my reps were like

Easy out there, Tiger. What do you mean? Well, I had a thing in my throat and I did a whole like, oh, I did the semen. You know, I swallowed a load. It was a huge load. He was Samoan. I went off on like a tangent about the jizz and it was killing. So they were the crew was like, well, you got to keep that in. I'm like, I don't know. It's filthy. They're like, keep that. We were dying. So that's always nice.

But it's fun on a tape to cut loose. I know. It is crazy that you used to be so nervous at these things, and now you're just like, I got jizz in my throat, and people are like, Jesus. I know. I know. Yeah. But it's cool seeing, like, we got, you know, fucking podcast fans in the front row. People are going nuts. So you had your people there. Oh, yeah. The drunks were there. The gays were there. It was a hot night. And there was a couple people who never heard me, obviously, and they were like,

Yeah. I went dark. I went all in. I heard you went dark. So, yeah, give me an example. You know, like, I just hit all the hot button anals and the trans, the BLM, the everything, you know. I went all in. Men, women, gay, black, white. Did you get pushback? No, not really. I couldn't say retard. That was the big push. But then Brian Simpson said it, but...

He threw it in with the N-word, so it's kind of in the mix. That's smart. Yeah. It's like putting pill on food right there. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. And when I said the N-word, it was tough to swallow as well. But what are we drinking? Today we're drinking the...

Today we're drinking The Last Word, which is a classic... I think it was the N-word. It's a classic cocktail from Detroit, from the 20s. Oh wow. It's nice. And it's... It's from Detroit in the 20s? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, what's the history?

So the history is that it was at the Detroit Athletic Club that someone made it up and it was made from their own bathtub gin. Whoa! So it was like, you know, the gin was really rough so they had to dress it up with a lot of things. Wow. So this is, once again, like the paper plane, like all equal parts, but it's three-quarter ounces. Ounces, I know I neglected to mention that last time, but it's three-quarter ounces of gin. So you can take it on a plane. Sorry? You can take it on a plane. Exactly.

It's three-quarter ounces gin, three-quarter ounces green chartreuse, and three-quarter ounce lime and Luxardo Maraschino. Damn! I see you got your math checked out, by the way. The comments kicked you right in the fanny on the algebra there.

On the fractions, they really gave them the business. Did they? Yeah, they're like 3-4, 3-4, 3-4. This guy knows how to add, huh? Well, it just sounds... They're cruel out there. But you know who loves bathtub gin? Whitney Houston. All right. I was...

I was on the road the night she died. I remember the night she died. I was in Knoxville, Tennessee, opening for a comedian who passed away recently, Spanky Brown. What? Do you know Spanky Brown? No. That sounds made up. No. I remember that night because it was the night Jeremy Lin dropped 38 on the Lakers. Linsanity. So I remember, this is the tweet I remember from that night. I forgot who said it, but someone tweets, holy shit, Whitney Houston died. That's linsane. Ha ha.

It's like, Jesus Christ, Twitter, man. Man, did he have a run. The city was abuzz with Linsanity. Speaking of buzz. Cheers. Cheers. Thank you, Beer Jew. My doctor, he told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror, all right? He ran my blood. He opened up a tab, I'll tell you.

Now, gin might be the least desirable alcohol. You think so? I think so. It depends. I know people who drink gin and soda, drink gin straight. I think Ricky Velez drinks gin. Gin tonic. Damn, that is amazing. That's a good drink. That's a summertime drink right there. Yeah, dude. Oh, boy, oh, boy. That is delightful. Thank you. This is good, man. Danny Boy. What is it called? It's called The Last Word. The Last Word. I like it. Yeah.

That's good stuff. Yeah, I was in Kentucky all weekend. This feels like a Kentucky on your front porch. Yes. I'll tell you, man, that city I'd run on Hirshberg opening for me. If you don't know his comedy, check him out. R-A-N-A-N Hirshberg.

dude killer dude is he's got high energy and great jokes he's a hard follow he's he's loud he's brash he's funny he's smart and he's high energy like he's sweating up there oh he got off one time one night and he was sweaty and i was like oh you work way harder than i do up here i'm literally leaning against the stool i respect that i mean for sure it's it's another testament this is horrible timing but uh

I met him when he was boozing, like 20 years ago, and he was a son of an onion. Like, he was an old drunken sailor. Like, he was cantankerous. Yeah. Couldn't get that out. He was, yeah. And he, I remember, that's where I met him, in Cincinnati, Go Bananas. And...

He had an edge. He definitely had an edge. He was smoking cigarettes. He was boozing. He was like an angry little poet. Yeah, he was. He was. He was like a little tiny Jewish Hemingway. But still funny back then. Then he cut off the sauce. And now he's just a...

Which is a happier dude. Happier dude, funny as hell, killing. I feel like he's got some credits and he's at the cellar. He's going to be big. I think he opens for Whitney every now and then. Yeah. You, Whitney, the other guy. Not bad. This is unreal, Dan. This is good. Killer. You're a really cockologist. Top notch. This is delightful. I'll tell you, it's like one of those...

He would kill so hard in front of me, I would have to open with local stuff just to get them. That's the move. Because I don't have that energy. I'm not going to yell. So I had some Kentucky bits from the last time I was there. My opener was because I went to the racetrack.

you know? Yeah. So I was the worst dressed person. I was the only one who didn't look like a villain in Django Unchained. So I opened with that. That saved me a little. Just some horse racing jokes. Yep. Got him. But damn, I was sweating for the first couple minutes for sure. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't moving. I was sweating because I was like, shit, he's,

he killed. He kills, but it's a testament to the writing because you have to come up there and you're not going to tap dance. It's just going to be on the basis of the jokes. Well, he's got the jokes and the energy. That's true. That's true. He's going to pass all of us. Let's be honest. And he's not drinking. We're ruined. Yeah. This is the problem with this dance. It's too good. You got to suck them down like like lemonade.

It's really good. Only three quarter rounds, Jen, so you'll be all right. If only Whitney was in a tub that late, I'll tell you. I'll tell you, good teacher really seems to care. I can't stop. That's my new drinking. I have like Tourette's with Rodney now. Rodney Retz. What do you think about the guys who wake up in the bathtub with the ice? They're like, shit, my spleen is gone. You ever hear about that?

Is that a myth? No, I think it's their kidney, not their spleen. Oh, the kidney, that's right. Well, I mean, it's funny. The ice bath, it's either that or you had a great workout. Yeah, you're like an athlete. Yeah. You're either Joe Rogan or you just got left in a Motel 6. Right, you got Shanghai'd or whatever.

I did a gig in Portland once and I took the Shanghai tour. You know what that is? Where? Shanghai is where you're at a bar, somebody knocks you out with a blunt object and you wake up on a fishing boat in the middle of Tahiti or whatever and they go, yeah, get to work.

Shanghai'd you got Shanghai? I'm just saying I did the Shanghai tour where they tell you what happened damn That was a big because Portland's a big port town obviously and they throw you on a fishing boat with a bunch of like Mongolians and you're that's it I'm gonna be there soon. Oh, well keep a head on a swivel. You've been knocked out of the bar before I have I wasn't knocked out I was just hit twice. So I've been hitting the face in a bar. Damn. Yeah, I

Thank God for the Jew helmet fro. The Jew fro saved me. Yeah. It's padding. It is padding. I had longer hair. It was one of the things where I needed a haircut and I just didn't get a haircut. And I had that my mom was so mad at me because she followed me on Instagram. And I was posting like Insta stories with the cops making jokes about it. I still shards of glass in my hair. But I was like, what am I going to do? I'm like, I can plug these gigs. I'll do something. And the cops are rolling their eyes. But I'm like, you better get this guy, officer. And they're just like, all right. And my mom's like, what? She called me. What the fuck?

happened? I'm like, I'm sorry. Damn. I know that was Vermont. What was the other one? The other one, I was... It's part of the White Knight story when I do that, but I gloss over it quickly. But I was in a bar in Seattle with

Andrew Rivers. Oh, he's funny. I like that guy. Yeah, yeah, he's funny. And we were together after a show years ago, and this woman just kept insulting me to the point where I just finally... Like, I was talking to her friend. She kept being like, she could do a bit better. She could do it like... And I was just like... I said, why don't you get some more Botox, you lizard? That's what... Shouldn't have said that. I don't feel good about saying that, but that's what I said. And her boyfriend just decks me. Whoa! Pretty good. He's a big guy, too. And I was like...

It was one of those things where he got a pretty clean shot at me, and he's a big dude, and I was okay, and I was kind of like, whoa. That's it? Maybe you got a good jaw. I don't think I do. I think I got lucky. Like, maybe, I don't know what happened, but... Where'd he get you? The cheek? Like, right here. He got me pretty good, and I remember I did this, and I did the whole, like, I did the...

And I was like, whoa. That was pretty cool. Yeah. And then the bartender handed me. I got broken up pretty quickly. Some guy stepped in. Oh, wow. And I was drunk, so I just was walking close or something like that. But I got broken up. Yeah. It is kind of badass to get hit and not go down. That is cool. So I was glad about that. He hit me, and I just did that shit. I bet she brings that up in five years. She's like, you're not a real man. He's like, fuck you. I always stand up for you. He's like, remember when you hit that Jew? He didn't fall. Yeah.

He's like, fuck you. You know that haunts me. You couldn't even knock down that lanky pussy. You're not a man. It's like, you bitch, get out. I bet you got a good tail going. Like, you got hit with a bottle. Was it a glass or a bottle? A pint glass. He took a pint glass. So his hand was pretty badly cut, too, because he just did right over the head. Oh, so you got hit with a pint glass. You didn't go down.

Or you didn't get knocked out. I was in shock for sure because you just don't expect people to do that. I know, but you got a good rep going so far. That's two major hits and you stayed strong. I'm telling you, we got a legacy happening here. I really stayed strong. I just didn't collapse.

He didn't collapse. But I think most people get it. I got hit with a bottle once in college. This guy hit me at a fraternity party. And it shattered so good that it just didn't hurt that bad. It just shattered immediately. If it shatters, it's better. Yeah, you look good. You look good. So I went, and I had blood. I was like, Jesus. And the blood went like that, like apocalypse now. Damn. And I was like.

who wants some? And they were like, no, no, no. But I was terrified, but I had the blood coming down. So everybody's like, ah, you're good, man. He's crazy, dude. Yeah, he's fucking crazy. Don't mess with that guy. You became a legend that night. Yeah, yeah. It was a foam party. A foam party. You remember those? No. Maybe that was a Southern thing. You'd run a warehouse and you'd buy a big foam machine. It would just blow bubbles. And then like women would go in with bikinis.

and every guy had a boner and it was just like this bubble fuck fest. It was amazing. Remember ice luges? Oh, yeah. I wonder if those are dead because of COVID. Oh, that's right. I love those. Yeah. They get so cold and whenever you see one, you're like, this is going to be a rager. You're drinking poison.

You're drinking poison, but if it's on ice, it feels classy. It's that big block. Somebody had to buy that thing. And then you're like, well, the clock's ticking. That thing's going to melt, so we got to do a lot of shots. Hell yeah. Good times. Yeah, man. The fights thing. I didn't even do shit. The Vermont one, I did nothing, honestly. The guy was just talking shit, and I made a sarcastic comment back. I took a fucking...

Glasses ahead. I was just Carmen LaGala. It's like you really realize who you are as you get older, and you're like, well, I'm not a fighter, but I'll get a good line in before I get hit. That's more important. I always think of that Ron White bit, you know that joke where the tater salad bit? Oh, that's a great joke. One of my favorite lines, he goes...

They arrested me for being drunk in public. I was in a bar. They threw me into public. Arrest them. That's a great bit. Man, he's good. He has some stories where you're like, that is... Like, that whole album...

drunk in public is like, it's another level. It's killer. And just the delivery is so different. It's so old school with the cigar. He has the cigar into his contract. So he can, even if it's a non-smoking building, he's allowed to smoke. Damn. Yeah. And he just holds a, I guess tequila or whiskey and a cigar and just stands there and delivers. That takes years to perfect. People don't realize that. Like that guy is like a real orator. Yeah.

Yeah, man. I remember that book, I Kill. There's road stories about all those comics. And his was the guy who gave him a bad review. And he just sent the guy a little pint of whiskey and a razor blade. And the note just said, just in case you're ever in the mood. You ever heard that Fitzsimmons story? He got booked to do a college in Iowa or some Idaho, some like super hillbilly kind of corn town. And they said, be clean.

He goes filthy. Bombs. Or no, he kills because he goes filthy. They said that was an immoral act. You should be ashamed of yourself. It was against God. They wrote a whole letter. They didn't pay him. Whoa. And then like years later, he won an Emmy or something. I'm butchering the story, but he won an Emmy or something big. And he had the thing framed and sent it back to him. Oh, no. He told us that he read that thing on stage at the Emmys. The letter or something. But pull it up, man. Either way, it's funny.

He went. Either way, he sent it back to him and was like, hey, I'm still still immoral. I don't know. It was great. I love when the good guy wins. It's all bullshit. Like when you're in a corporate gig and they're like, that joke's offensive. And you're like, I did it on Fallon. I know. I did it on the squeakiest clean late night show. I know. Yeah. I had a good moment the other day. I was doing a set and I had the lady in the front row going, ah, ah, you know, like that thing, you know, like that's that's inappropriate. Ah.

And I go, I'm sorry, I like dark humor. She goes, I like dark humor too. And I was like, I don't think you do. And then I said, I'll prove it. And I did a Holocaust joke and she went, ah. And I went, see? And I got a huge laugh. But it's just like, they all say I have a great sense. No one's ever said, I don't have a great sense of humor. No one has ever said that in history. No one's ever said it. Everyone thinks they have a good sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do. We're professionals. Mother Teresa, Gandhi, everybody. She famously liked the good age joke, though. Ha ha.

Yeah. That's true. I heard she was wild in the sack, by the way. But yeah. So it just annoyed me because I was like, you don't. You say you want the cool credit for liking dark humor, but you don't. You think you're fun, but no one in your life is telling you. Not a lot of people have someone in their life who just is like, hey, you're not fun. Yeah. That's a good friend right there. That is.

But you lose a lot of friends when you're not fun. Exactly. So you don't have a really good friend to tell you. Right. They usually have friends who go, no, you're great. Screw that guy. He's a dick. Because that takes less energy. Exactly. It takes a lot of energy to be like, hey, we need to talk. What is it you're like?

You just are just, you're dreadful. Yeah. You're terrible. No one wants to have that talk. That's like the thing where, yeah. I couldn't do that. It'd be tough. It would be tough. I couldn't do it. You can do a side thing like you're bad at this, but to just go you to the core are shitty. You don't understand humor or have concepts. You don't have no concept of what is funny. You can't just say that to a person. Right. You can't. But there are people that don't understand jokes. That's true.

Some of them at our shows every weekend. Yeah. And they think they do, and they think they're an expert. But at the same time, it's been pretty good lately on the road. That's true. Man, that club, Kentucky, Lexi Comedy off-Broadway, that's a magical room. Magic room. A lot of history. I mean, I feel like an asshole because you hear Kentucky and you go, toothless, hayseed, straw hat guy, sipping out of a moonshine out of a barrel with three X's on it. Yeah.

It's a nice city. It's a nice city. It's a nice city. Beautiful rolling green hills and the horses and the whiskey. I love it. Yeah, Kentucky freaking rules, man. I love it. George Clooney from Kentucky. Is he? Muhammad Ali and Diane Sawyer. Damn. I think I'm right there, Peters. Give that a goog. It would be great if you just made up all three.

That would be impressive. I went on Jim and Sam the other day. By the way, they're back in studio. It's fun. I got to go back. I was supposed to go on tomorrow, but I'm too fucking, I have too much this week. It's early. I'll give you that. It's so early. Yeah. But they buy you breakfast now. Yeah. But. You're so easy. You're so easy. Like you can't afford a fucking egg sandwich. I know. I know. You cheap bastard. There was no food at my house as a child. It triggers me. I hear free breakfast. I'll go to Kuwait. Kuwait.

But either way, we did this whole rant about, me and Jim got into this big fight about music. He's like, I love this band. I was like, White Zombie, get out of here. They suck. He likes hardcore. He likes metal and dark and edge. And I was like, what about this band? And I'd be like, Van Morrison. He's like, oh.

And then he went, do you like Dave Matthews? I was like, I do. And then he went off on it. And then it was like this great back and forth fighting, fighting, yelling. You like Dave Matthews? Well, then the mics cut off and he's like, that was great radio. I was like, yeah, I don't like Dave Matthews. I was just doing that. And he's like, oh, great. And we high-fived and that was it. Yeah, you just try to be entertaining, you know?

Yeah. Then I got a bunch of messages like, thanks for defending DMB. Oh, wow. You're a fucking martyr to these people. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, man. No, there's certain rooms though. You just like, you do feel, you feel connected. It's crazy. Like there's a magic. You talk about that. Like, yeah. Richard Belzer did blow in this room. You just sense that. I don't know, but you sense that shit. Yeah. Oh yeah. I know we've made that comment before, but.

Wait, give me another weird band you like. Well, no, but I'm with you on the room thing. You can feel that. Like Zany's in Chicago. You're like, oh, I can feel that Jay Leno was in here with a shitty blazer in 84, you know? This is fucking good. Oh, yeah. It's so good. I'm trying to like stop myself. It's tough. Do you have a peeve?

I do, actually. Hold on. I got a bunch. Give me one. Give me one because I don't want to take up- All right. Well, here's one. And I know I've made this to some degree before, but we've done a lot of episodes and we've done Patreon, so I don't know which one I did it on. But this is- I have two. First one, I'm on a flight yesterday. Guy sitting next to me is on a FaceTime call. We're on the ground. He's on a FaceTime call. I hate FaceTime. No headphones. Oh.

So I'm just like listening to his buddy. And here's the other thing. If you're in a public enclosed space and you're not doing the public enclosed space voice, you're a monster. If you're like, hey, yeah, I'm on a flight. If you're just like, yeah, so I told him suck my dick, yo. You're just doing that voice on a fucking flight. There's other people around. What are you, crazy? Because here's the way to know if you're doing something dickish. Imagine everyone else on the plane doing it.

It would be chaos. It would be chaos. But for some reason, you can do it because we're all behaving. We're all decent human beings. That's the test. It was crazy. And then here's how weak I am, by the way. We're in Delta Comfort, and he schmoozes. This guy is reckless. He schmoozes the flight attendant into giving us the first-class snack boxes. Oh.

And then I got one too. So then I'm like, wow, he's all right. Then we land. The second we land, he's on FaceTime with no headphones again. I'm like, fucking cocksucker. Fuck you. I bookended it with FaceTime. Yeah, that is a problem. Yeah. I hate, and just for some reason, FaceTime, it's as brutal as it is. It's worse than a call. Even a call, I'm like, all right, this guy's a dude.

douche. But a FaceTime, it's like, woo! It's a phone call on speaker. Yes! And also, I'm seeing your friend, like, this is like a party you're throwing yourself. Right. Yeah, you're doing a podcast. He also took his shoes off on the flight. That's a bold move. Bare feet? Socks. Alright, alright, alright. You know, socks are stinky too, though. I know everyone goes bare feet. To me, it's very weird. I know you're like, my feet swell up when I fly. Cool. Still don't want to see them. Yeah, yeah. And also, my socks. If it's a woman, I'm okay with it.

I'm okay with a woman's sock. Women go shoeless more. Women do the sandals more. Open toe. Men have gross feet. They really do. It's a hoof. I'm sorry.

It is a hoof. It's bad. It's sweaty. You belong in a fucking stable with a jockey on your back. You're disgusting. The knuckle hair, like the toe hair. My toenails are yellow like the sun. I have talons. I could catch salmon with these fucking feet. They're disgusting. I'm with you. It looks like a velociraptor. I'm trying to come in. It's bad news. But yeah, men's feet are horrific.

I'm not one of these guys like no man should ever wear flip flops I get it you want to wear a flip flop but some people can't even stand the sight of a man's feet I'm going to go ahead and say no man should ever wear flip flops if you're going to like a steam room a pool a sauna I'll give it to you if you're going out in public it's a bold fucking move it's very bold that's all I'm saying it is bold what about on the subway

I don't want any of that shit in this. Look, the subway is tough because it's like, what, am I going to notice your fucking feet when a guy's dick is out to my left? Exactly. It's tough. And also, here's my subway protocol. The one that bothers me more than anything, number one is obviously the toenail clippings. Oh, get out of here. You deserve the death penalty. Yeah, that's horrific. I think you should be shot in the face with a Taliban style. Yes. Then second, I think...

They behead, I guess. Whatever. Like a B-foot. The stinky food on the subway. That's a problem. That's a problem, dude. Yeah. Stinky food on a plane is bad, too. Yeah. Because it's sealed. It's sealed. At least the subway opens every now and then. True. Yeah. It's all bad. It's all bad. It's all bullshit and it's bad for you. Yeah.

George Carlin. What do you got for a thief? This one's kind of specific. I like the specific ones. Okay. You went specific last week, and I was into it. All right. And this is another lady problem. Sorry, gals. Labia time. But that's a horrible kid show. We need a segment called the labia corner. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

So, uh, this is, I think, I think only specific to my dame is she'll go, I got to go to the post office. You want to go? And I'm like, no, I don't want to go to the post. Why would I? That's a chore. You're, you're doing errands, but you, you're trying to invite me. Like it's some kind of fun event. Quality time. Yes. It's quality time. And I'm like, no, I don't want to go to the post office or the DMV. I don't want to go anywhere with that shit. And she's like, oh, you don't want to hang out with me? I'm like, uh,

Here we go. Now it's a hangout issue. Way to spin it there, sister. She's a spinster, is what she is. She spun. That's a smart women jujitsu move. It is. It's like, oh, you don't want to hang out with me? I'm like, no, I don't want to go to the post office. I'll hang out with you. You want to go to the park? You want to go to the meadow? You want to frolic? You want to run through the sprinklers? I'm in. I would hit her back with, I'd love to hang out with you. Why don't you go there another day and we'll watch a movie at home? Oh.

Put it right back on her. Oh, that's good. What are you going to do now? That's good. I'd love to hang out. Take your dick out. Let's hang out. This thing's hanging? The Cuomo. All right.

Do you see him blame being Italian on it? No. That was like the big thing. He was like, you know, that was the whole Fox News post was like, I'm not a pervert. I'm Italian. This is my culture. I'm going to sell out my whole people. I love when people use their culture. This Uber driver stinks. It's our culture. Like, all right, well, you still stink. Well, celebrities now, too. Jake Gyllenhaal, he's like, we don't need a shower.

I saw that. That's a weird one. I kind of dug it. You dig it? You're not a big shower guy? I think it's bad for you. I don't think it's bad. I think we do it too much. How often do you shower? Let's see. Four times a week. How often do you sweat though, like work out?

Maybe once. Okay, so... Twice. Three times a lady. But it's summer, too. Also winter. I'm down to three days a week. Winter, yeah. I think that's acceptable. How often do you wash your hair? I'm talking like soap versus wash hair, too. I think hair wash is overrated. I think we do it too much. I think it hurts your hair. All the shampoo, conditioner, rinse, repeat. That's just the fat cats in Washington telling you what to do. You don't really need to rinse and repeat. But...

I'd say hair wash twice a week. Wow. Yeah. You got sebum up there. You got essential oils. Yeah, I think we wash our hair too much for sure. But it's funny when like a celebrity says that shit because you know that he's like, he's got something that we don't have. Oh, yeah. He's got some shit at home where he's like, yeah, I don't need to shower because I have these creams that are $900 a tube. Right, right. Exactly. Exactly.

So that's a different story. But I do think we we overdo it. Yeah. But yeah, back to the lady. Yeah. She got me on that one. And I but I held my ground. I was like, I do not want to go to the post office when I don't have to. And she was like, all right, fine, whatever. And I think that's the key. You got to stand tall there like you getting hit at a bar. What is this a different drink or the same?

This is the same one. All right. Jeez. Last word. Anything with Campari is good. You drink Campari alone, you want to kill yourself, but you drink it with something, it's amazing. It's kind of like Willem Dafoe. That's a callback. You pointed to me. I thought you were going to say me for a second. Oh, no. It was your joke. What, uh...

But yeah, that's my peeve and I'm sticking to it. Women trying to, yeah, it is, just say like, hey, will you come with me? Yeah. Don't disguise it as something, don't try to serve me shit and say it's a sandwich. Right, exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly. That sounded like a seven expression. Don't try to serve me shit and say it's a sandwich. This guy's in Kentucky one weekend. All of a sudden he's foghorn leghorn over here. I don't know.

That would be a better show, just a kid's show where he's like, shut the fuck up. Fucking cocksucking rabbit. Who was Vagabond Leghorn again? He was the big rooster in, I think it was Bugs Bunny. And he would be like, yeah, I see, I see, I see. You got to drink that last word. I'll get the last word. I'll tell you what. My last word is a woman should not have the right to choose. Ooh.

What we do in the afternoon, I mean, of course. Post office, activities as such. Oh, yeah. By the way, Cuomo, speaking of FaceTime, who had more FaceTime than Cuomo, huh? He loved touching a face. It's such a weird move.

Yeah, that's where I'm like, maybe the Italian culture, maybe there is some truth to it, but he also got off on power and shit. Sure, sure. Like that dude. It's funny how much they're like Chris Cuomo advising him and I'm like, it's his brother. Like, what do you expect? Like, yeah, it's fucked up and yeah, it's not ethical, but you're just kind of like, what's he going to do? Like, oh, my brother's calling me. Ignored. Right, right. Wouldn't it be shittier if he didn't do that? If he's like, I've got a show.

Yeah, that was my angle. They should do a podcast together when Chris never speaks. Dude, it's weird. It's kind of like...

It's the end of the guy's career, probably. I mean, what's he going to do now? Yeah, I think podcasts is the only route or stand-up. He can do like a My Name is Earl type show where he knocks on all the women's doors and being like, let's sit down and talk about it. Right, right. Yeah, there's not much left. It's a bummer. And they had a, his dad had a hell of a run. It was a powerhouse, yeah. It was a dynasty. And he was the killer. He was like the young killer that you brought in. I mean, it's tough when you're known as the asshole. Right.

But I think you can't get too big in America. Like, he was the guy, Cuomo sexual. He won an Emmy. I mean, every girl was like, Cuomo, I'm into Cuomo. I know. I was like, where is this coming from? Mulaney did a thing about him. Except the girls that he touched. Yeah, that's true. Not every girl. They weren't as vocal until later. But, yeah, like, he got big and then taken down. But I also think it's, like, there's truth to that where, like, you know, obviously,

People were talking about maybe he'll swoop in and run instead of Biden. There was talk like that. Totally. That's how big he was getting. He should be the president. And now it's like, man, he would be Democratic Trump. That's exactly who he'd be. I mean, I don't know. He definitely, you're right, he got too big, but I think he was just-

probably hell to work for. I think he treated people like shit. Really? I don't know anything about him, really, to be honest. I mean, if you're... How many of these aides are gonna, like, speak out? Yeah. That's the problem, is the sheer numbers. It's like, what is it, up to nine?

You know, nine, ten women. That's a lot. I think best case scenario, he's a shitty person. Right, right. I think he's gotten kind of gotten his way so long, you know, with dad being so high up. Sure. And then money and...

The nipple rings. Don't get me started on the nipple rings. That's fucking weird, man. Yeah. How many politicians have nipple rings? It's got to be just him and FDR. I mean- Wiener had clamps, but I don't think he had the ring. But now what? We got the new governor. Yeah. Kothel? Koth- Yeah, what's her name? What's her name? Look it up. Kothel. She's got an interesting last name. I think it might be Polish.

i don't know i can't remember it but uh i didn't know a governor did anything until cuomo came on the scene thank you what do you got here is this a negron oh you jealous or what i am but this is really good it's a hell of a last word negroni is i would say like top five cocktails ever wow is that is that too bold a statement or what what are your top five cocktails ever

On the spot. My top five? Yeah. My number one is a really nicely made, super, super ice cold, filthy, dirty martini. I'm with vodka. Can we do one of those next episode? 100%. All right, cool. I'm a vodka guy, though. Me too. All right. Let's do it. Kettle one, Grey Goo.

Honestly, like, vodka's vodka, you know, as long as it's not, like, bottom shelf. Okay. But kettle's great. I like kettles. Clean, nice. I also like potato vodkas. So, like, the Polish potato vodkas, like, you know, Chopin, Belvedere, things like that. It's a little insensitive to the Irish with the famine, but I get it. I love it. All right, so that's number one. Give me number two. Yeah, that's the top five cocktail. Number two? Manhattan. That's my number one. Whoa.

Absolutely. I'm waiting for colder months for you for the Manhattan. I already got that lined up. And then number three would be Negroni or Old Fashioned. Old Fashioned is in the top five for sure. Interesting. Okay, good list. And what else we got? I think I got one more. And...

You know, besides that, I would do something like offbeat, like a Corpse Survivor number two is really good. What the hell is that? Well, we'll do that later. Don't worry. A Corpse Survivor? Man. Is that someone who gets necrophiliad, but they come back and they're like, he touched me. Ha ha ha ha ha.

It's a hangover cocktail that's all booze, but you don't know it's all booze. Really? Yeah, it's really good. Wow, I'm into it. So I think we do a martini next episode, and we do a Corpse Survivor the episode after that. Is that good? Hell yeah. Deal? All right. I'm excited. What's that old joke my parents...

Ah, I tell my parents I was a necrophiliac. Oh, I'm going to butcher it. I can never remember a joke. Hold on. Let me think of it. Shit. What do you got, Matt, on the name of the lady? Kathy something. Kathy who? Hockel. Oh, Kathy Hockel. What do you got, a Wendy's drive-thru here? Jesus, I can barely hear you. That thing is crackling. Do you work for the MTA, Matt? What the hell was that? Next up, Hellum.

Hey, hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by honey. You gotta love honey. I mean, come on. You shop online. We all do it. You buy shoes. You buy groceries. You buy toilet paper. And we've all seen that empty promo code thing just taunting you. And you're like, oh, if only I had a promo code, I'd get half off or a percentage something. But I never have one. Who has that? You go to some...

Shoe brand, you're like, ah, I could get a real discount here, but I never have it. I always wonder who does. Well, now Honey is the free browser extension that scours the Internet for discount codes. When you're ready to check out, Honey automatically applies the best one, instant savings. Honey has found its customers over 2 billion clams in savings, supported by over 30,000 stores online. Buy anything from tech, gaming, beer, wine, you name it.

I saved on some sweet kicks. Thanks to Honey. Put that code in. Got a discount. Shoes are expensive. Get a break. Tell them how to do it, Fatty. If you don't have Honey...

You could be straight up missing out on free savings. It's literally free. Installs in just a few seconds. Save some dough and support this podcast. Get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash drunk. That's joinhoney.com slash drunk. And get that honey, baby. Yeah! So we got... All right, that's interesting. Can I give you another peeve? Please. I had an issue with... All right. So...

I had an issue with, you know, sending my girlfriend. I made a bit of a mistake. So I sent her, I'm sorry, flowers, pro flowers. All right. Oh, I love pro flowers. I don't. Oh, here we go. And I'll tell you what. These people tell you. They're only the go to because they come up first on Google. Let's be honest. There's 1-800 flowers. There's 1-800. It's not the first time they fucked me. Ah. But. That's what Cuomo's AIDS said. Sorry. I had to get it in. God damn.

You're hot today. No, no, no. So then we- This is what Cuomo said to his aides. But- Woo! Aides. So- What were we saying? Oh, flowers. Flowers, yeah. So I sent her, I'm sorry, flowers. They don't deliver them. All right? They mess it up. They deliver it, but they're like, no one's in the office. And I'm like, well, you got to make sure that they're that day because she's on the road. That's how I'm sending them. Mm-hmm.

They were like, all right, absolutely. It's going to be there that day. They don't send it. And it's like the whole thing where they're like, the florist is closed. I'm like, okay. So you're admitting that you're like a secondhand, you know, whatever bullshit middleman company. Exactly. Whatever. So then I call the next day and they're like, we're definitely going to come the next day. I'm like, she's leaving in like a day. Yeah. It's one of those things where like,

And it's fucked up because I'm furious, but I'm also like, the guy keeps saying, I'm sorry, and I won't accept it. Yeah. And I'm sending I'm sorry flowers. This is a bit. It might be, yeah. But I'm like, I'm like, he was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was like, that's not good enough. I'm like, holy shit, I'm her. Yeah. You're like, you got to send me flowers now for your fuck up with the flowers. I've turned into the woman. Yeah. Wow. Well, he keeps fucking up. We never, yeah. I was like, he's me. He's a shithead. Yeah.

He's a piece of shit. Did she get him? No, we didn't. I know. I got refunded. And see, this is the problem. The lady... Sorry, ladies. I'm calling you all one unit.

You don't know the hell it is to get flowers. You really don't. Every guy on the day before Valentine's Day is scrambling, going, they got to get there by this time. This is the building. She works at this office. It's a nightmare. And then they never come on time. You got to redo it, blah, blah, blah. And then they finally get them when it's too late. And they're like, thanks. And you're like, oh, I went through hell. It's hot. These holidays have an incredibly high. They give women incredibly high expectations. And they're not that high. Look, we should be able to meet them at the same time. Like,

If you don't meet them, you're just in the doghouse. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And you're relying on this dude who doesn't know you or give a fuck about you. This dude's in fucking Mumbai. Exactly. He gives a fuck about me? Yeah. He's like, I'd kill for a woman. I got a lady carrying a jug over here. Whatever happens over there. But, you know.

It's a privilege. This is worse than the fucking labia segment. Labia time. I love it. Yeah, but that is a bitch. It was a bitch. And never got them. See, because I used to open for a woman and she would be like, look, I'm going to level with you.

The only reason women like flowers is because you got to fucking get off your ass, go to a website, pull out a credit card. We like that you did something. We like that you put some effort in. And I'm like, OK, so if I actually pluck the flowers, you wouldn't. She's like, no, no, that's no good. I want you to pay. I want you to sting. Well, plucking the flowers is probably I think it's a gesture. I think it's just like you fucking put work in.

Yeah. But if we plucked them, they'd look like shit, let's be honest. So, like, they like the presentation. They like that it's, I don't know. Do women even give a shit about flowers? I think they do. I think they try to come off, oh, I'm a feminist. I don't care. I'm empowered. No, you like flowers. I'm sorry. You like the effort. You like the thought. It's all thought. Yeah. You know, I mean, look at every movie. You got to kill the dragon to save the lady in the tower. If you didn't have to kill the dragon, she'd be like, so you just showed up?

The dragon was dead? Are you comparing slaying a dragon to logging on to ProFlowers.com? The dragon's easier because there's no fucking expiration date and QR code and all that. The dragon's cut and dry. I don't know. I hate the credit card system. It's not good. This segment's dragon. No, I think the dragon is...

But I'm just saying it's taught. It's ingrained in us. It's ingrained. Like you've got to jump a big hump to get to the lady. Yeah. If you want to get a big hump. Yeah, right. No, it's a work. I'll tell you. Yeah. You give your girl your mom's ring, I think they're kind of like, I want you to buy a ring.

Yeah, but that's a good one because they can't say shit. I know, exactly. It's a family tradition. Yeah. That's kind of fun. My mom is the least – I hope she never hears this. She's the least aware woman on the planet. She'll be like, do you want to go to the nursery, the plant nursery with me at 7 a.m. tomorrow? And I'm like, why would I ever want to do that? Like, I don't want to go meet Richard Pryor at 7 a.m. Like, what are you, crazy? You would meet Richard Pryor at 7 a.m. I would, I would. But I'm just saying, like –

I've never shown any interest in plants or botany or anything or a greenhouse, and you want me to go at 7 a.m. on a set? What are you, insane? You want to take her by the shoulders and shake her. But she'll be like, do you think your lady would love this?

from my great-grandmother. I'm like, eh, you know, she might. But really, she's going to pretend to care and like it. I don't know. It's just my mom is tough in that way. What a... Give me a good wreck. All right, here's your wreck. Sorry, I went into full therapy there. I liked it. I think you've seen it. I don't know if you've seen it there, Bear, Beer, Jew, but...

I saw this. It changed my life. The waterworks, the whole thing. Val. I haven't seen it yet. I'm going to watch it this week. I almost watched it last night. My God, is it touching and real? This son of a bitch filmed his whole life from when he was five. He had a video camera, home movies. I mean, the tear jerking in this. It's incredible. Unbelievable. And it's all just...

his life like that the editing in is unbelievable they put it all together and in a perfect narrative and it gets to him to this day and the shitty went through in the struggle he's got so much integrity is a real artist I really am a big fan about Calmer for sure I was not a guy's an actor whatever but now after this I'm like he's one of my favorite guys you know in Tombstone when he's got the tuberculosis you laying in the bed he's on a bed of ice because he wanted to look he wanted to know what it felt like to be that cold

Damn. Like he went all in and all these movies were like, you're the hot guy. You're this, you're Batman. Or what? He was like, all right, great. It wasn't his fault that that Batman sucked. I know. That was a hot crowd. That was a hot cast rather. I mean, you had Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face. You had, you had Jim Carrey. And like, in theory, it could have been cool. Like that kind of fun. Damn, that's right. Nicole Kidman. So Joel Schumacher directing who did the Lost Boys and all these other huge movies. So he's like, I grew up with Batman. Of course I want to be Batman.

He was in Africa doing like a safari when he got the call. And he was in a bat cave. I don't want to give too much away, but it's fascinating. And the trauma this guy went through and the death. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is like one of my favorite movies of all time. Great movie. Great comedy. But he got labeled as difficult. Like they show him on Oprah. And she's like, I heard you're difficult to work with. He's like, I just want to be an actor. I feel like I'm so disappointed with these roles in Hollywood. He was the youngest person ever accepted to Juilliard. Wow.

Yeah, so interesting guy, real actor, real method, the whole thing. And I mean, it's such good footage. He got bumped by Kevin Bacon in a school or a Broadway show. And then he's like, all right, I'm second to Kevin Bacon. This guy's a star. And then Sean Penn bumps him. And he's like, God. And that's when he's like, all right, now I see what Hollywood's all about. It's all about who's the it guy.

You know, and it's all about the industry, and they don't give a shit. I mean, it's really, it hits home. Damn. Check it out. Watch it with the lady. I'm a big fan. Yeah, Will. Yeah, he's great, man. He's a great actor. Great actor. And he's like, he's always been good at like any time. Like, it's crazy. Top Secret, he's fucking hilarious. That's his first movie. Yeah, and then you put like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, he's hilarious. And then you just had, he was like action movies and stuff. Heat.

Yeah. That ponytail, dude. I know. I know. That's one of his better roles, I think, because he's like, I got to work with De Niro and Pacino. And he's so excited. And then his hero was Brando. And then he got to work with him on Island of Dr. Moreau, which was a shit show. Yeah, it was a mess. Train wreck. Yeah, I mean, that...

Brando is so... What a character, man. But what a fall. I mean, that guy, he really... Brando? Oh, my God. He went nuts and like... You ever see that clip of him throwing up the N-word? He's been famous since the 50s, dude. Oh, no. I'm a fan. You say it's a fall, but it's like that guy was famous for decades, you know? Yeah, but he kind of...

he went all nuts and then he kind of ate himself to death. But that scene of him on, I think he's on Larry King. He's just like, and word this and the Jews run the media to apologize to the Jewish coalition. But he loved Jews too. That was the other thing is like Brando is like studied under Jews for acting. I mean, he like had so much love for Jews and I think he was just nuts, man. He was nuts. Yeah. I mean, I don't think he had a racist bone in his body. I mean, he was all about like, I mean, you see what he did at the Native American Oscars. I mean, I think Brando was like,

Kind of ahead of his time, a little bit. Pretty crazy. I mean, yeah, holy shit. I mean, it is funny that he did that in like the 70s. And then they were like, the Indians should be a team. That fucking red face. No, Brando, man, I think that dude's range is fucking stupid. He's the best. He's probably one of the best of all time. I mean, I think On the Waterfront's a top 20 movie. Yeah. Yeah.

could have been a contender yeah it's fucking masterful that is a great script it's beautiful street car he's incredible and you get guys and dolls yeah they call you a lady lock it's fucking incredible i mean the godfather get out of here godfather apocalypse now yes yes uh that motherfucker you ever heard that old norm joke about about brando he goes uh

Marlon Brando made some, you know, derogatory remarks towards Jewish people and he had to apologize to the Jews in Hollywood and they accepted the apology and allowed him to work again. So,

It's an old joke. It's an old joke. That's fucking hilarious. That was a weekend update, Norm. Damn. Could you get away with that one today? I don't think so. I don't think. I mean, he had 20 minutes on OJ killing his wife. Yeah, but he got fired over it. He got fired over it. Yeah. Damn. He's the guy you're like, does he have money? I always wonder. I guess he does the road. Are you kidding me? I never know who's got money and who doesn't. Are you fucking kidding me? I can't tell. I don't think he's loaded.

I think he's loaded. All right. All right. Think about how many sitcoms he's been on over the years, how many shows he's been on over the years. Norm has got money. All right. I worry about guys like him. I wouldn't worry. I would worry about like there's a lot of people in L.A. I'd worry about before Norm. I'll put it that way. All right. Have you driven under an overpass? Good point. Good point. Yeah.

That's true. L.A.'s in trouble. I don't know if that guy under the overpass has got a great album. Yeah. No, I think Norm's doing all right. All right. Just checking. He's got a son. I think he's okay. Okay. Still eating cereal. You want to be like, come on, man. You can't drive, eat cereal. I can't drive, eat cereal. I live in an apartment. I live in an apartment. All right, all right, all right. I'm going to feel attacked right now. No, I know you're doing fine, though. You got a nice lady. You got a mom around. You're doing okay. I'm all right.

I'm good. I'm happy. Uh-oh. No, Matt's saying his net worth is $52.5 million. That's bananas. Those are all, like, you look you up, it's going to be like $20 something. Yeah, those are all out of whack. But I appreciate them.

I think that helps with the ladies. That would be a good Tinder profile. You know, if you just wrote, this is my net worth. Yeah, you'll attract some real quality women with that profile. Well, you know, when you're on Tinder, you're not trying to, you know, bring somebody home to mom. Yeah, fair enough. What, uh...

What else should we talk about? Should we do a bit? What do you got on a rec? Do you have a rec? Yeah, I do. I didn't do this last week. Did I, Matt? To Die For? No. It's on Hulu. It's a Gus Van Sant movie. I love Gus. I've seen this movie. This is the third time I watched it. So it's To Die For. It's starring Nicole Kidman, young, young Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck.

And Matt Dillon's in it. Wow. What a cast. Great cast. Wayne Knight from Seinfeld was in it. Whoa. What is it, 95? 90s, around then. Yeah. You know what the tone of it is? It's written by Buck Henry, who's also in it, who wrote The Graduate, who's a genius. Yeah, Buck Henry's a fucking American genius. Oh, my God.

It's incredible. It's the tone of you like the movie Election. You'll like this movie. I love Election. It's that tone. It's a dark as hell comedy that is like

The way election is a gold standard satire, this is the same to me. All right. Wow, really? Yeah, yeah. Nicole Kidman's incredible in it. I think it's the second straight week I've wrecked the Nicole Kidman thing. What was last week? The Undoing. Oh, yeah. But I'll tell you, this movie is like...

So I laughed out loud so many times. It's just about a deranged person who wants fame more than anything. And holy shit, did it make me think of a lot of people we know. You got that right. It's great. Young Joaquin's incredible, man. He's amazing. It's a great. Oh, what's your Elena Douglas is great. Oh, she's always fun. She's always good. It's just a great.

I love Gus Van Sam, man. I do too. And it's cool because I used to work at Blockbuster and I would see that box to die. And I was like, oh, this is going to be some kind of like porno or kind of like –

NC-17, but it's actually funny. It's the type of movie you would have rented with a kid and you're just fast-forwarding for the sex scene. Yes, yes, yes. And then you're like, this is it? It's just really sharp satire. Right, right. I had that with Time Cop. A lot of fast-forwarding. Oh, my God. Was there nudity in that? Oh, Mia, Mia, whatever. Mia Sarah, the chick from Ferris Bueller. I never saw it. Oh.

I never saw Time Cup. It's a fun Van Damme. I feel like an action romp. Yeah, I never saw it. He goes to the future and has to fight himself. It's a lot of fun. I highly recommend to die for it. It's on Hulu if you have Hulu. And it's like, it's really fucking funny. All right. Yeah, that's a great rec. Really funny. Nice little throwback. Yeah, I hear you. It's weird, man. The 90s are like classic now. Isn't that weird? It's fucking bananas and I just got to get used to it and get over it.

Isn't that weird, man? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you see kids ironically wearing a Nirvana shirt. I'm like, oh, shit. I went to a Nirvana show. Did you? I actually didn't, but I could have. I went to see Limp Bizkit, and I regret it. You saw Limp Bizkit live? My friend had an extra ticket. I'd never been to a concert. He's like, you've never been to a concert? I'm like, no, except for jazz and blues and shit in New Orleans. But we went, and I hated it. They had a couple songs, though.

Not for me. I hate the hat, the backwards hat. It's a lot. The fake faux rap. Is it rap? Is it metal? What are we doing here? Is it rap? Is it punk? Yeah. What is it? Not into it. And it was all that angry shit like, give me something to break. I'm like, I'm not that angry.

Okay, I'm hanging out. I'm 11. It'd be great if they started rioting and just destroying the set. He's like, no, not this. Please. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just one of those days. I'm like, ah. You don't want to wake up. Yeah. Everything is fucked. Everything sucks. You're just like, this was not exactly inspired lyrics. No. I feel like I have more angst now. You know, you always hear about the angsty teenager. I'm like, no, I was cruising as a teen. I had friends. No, no, you're less angry than you. You have less angst now.

I think you're more together now than when I met you. Oh, really? Yeah. All right. I'll take that. You've gone to therapy. You've become a better person, I think. Hey, wow. You're more, I think. I don't know. I mean, I think, I'm not saying about good or bad person. I'm just saying like, you know, like, fuck you, mom. I never had that growing up.

I like my mom. I think you had more of it when I met you than you do now. Really? You had some anger when I met you. You think? Yeah, I think we both did. Oh, okay. When you're a young comic, you just have some fucking anger, man. The business is still fucked, but I think we had less control back then. Ah, good point. Good point, internet. And we were just younger. We just didn't understand. I think we have more... Look, I'm still lost, but I think we had...

less of an understanding on life, you know? Definitely, definitely, yeah. Okay, all right. Well, hey, that's one to grow on. Or what do you call it?

That's a good note to end on. Or wait, what about a bit? We got to do bits. All right. I got one for you. All right. So I think I brought this up last week. I decided to try it as a bit. I think there's something here about, so I told my dad, I can't ride a bike, you know? And he was like, he was like making fun of me about it. He was like, you can't, he's like, you can't ride a bike. That's hilarious. And I was like, you're my dad. You know what I mean? Like, so it's kind of like if you're, it's like if your girl, it's like if your girlfriend or wife was like, man, you never get pussy. Oh,

That's great. Something like that. There's something there, right? Yeah, yeah. That's good. I like that. I'm just like, man, if only there's someone who could have done something about this. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Right. That's great. That's a great twist. Something there, right? Yeah. Good, good, perfect comparison. We can do that on the Patreon. If you haven't signed up for a Patreon, it's patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Mark wants to take me bike riding in Central Park. I'm terrified. I will get the bike. I'll get a city bike. We'll get Salicus. We'll get Peters out there. Maybe we'll get drunk. Who knows? And

no training wheels. I'm going to hold the back. I'm going to dress like a dad. I'm going to wear a cardigan, have a pipe. I hope you have a hat with a propeller on it. I have a helmet I'll be wearing. Alright, perfect. And we'll do the grass and then we'll eventually get you going on the sidewalk and you'll never forget it. I'm nervous. It's like riding a bike. It's going to be great. You want to have a bike skill. I feel bad that you're walking by city bikes and bikers all day going, I can't do that. That's going to hit the psyche a little.

Nah, probably not. It doesn't. I mean, it would if it was necessary for living in the city. You're acting like I was in a wheelchair and I saw people walking. I can walk. I can take the subway. I can take a cab. I can still get around. Well, let's say you go to Atlantic City with your lady and- Yeah, that's the honeymoon destination.

All right, you go to Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket, and she goes, we got the whole day off. Let's go bike riding on the pier. She knows me. Why would she do that? Why would she go, let's do something that you can't do? Wow, does she know you can't? Because I didn't know you couldn't ride a bike until two days ago. Yeah, she knows because she was terrified when I left L.A. and was like, I'll ride bikes during the pandemic. She's like, please don't. I don't drive. Yeah, no, I just...

Absolutely not. All right. I'm going to show you. It's super easy. You're an athletic guy. You play basketball. Am I athletic? Well, you swim. I swim and I shoot baskets. Okay. That's enough. It's enough. That's all I need. It's just getting my cardio enough up that if I get the Delta variant, I won't die. There you go. That's a good health barometer right there.

All right, how about this for a bit? Hit me. These drinks, by the way. Holy shit, Dan. I know. You're going to get me fucked up. You're going to get me fucked up. To black out here. One more? We got a Patreon to do. I have a thing I have to do after this that I cannot beat. I have to ride a bike. What do you got? All right, so...

you know, got engaged. The girlfriend's always, you got to post about the engagement. I want some engagement posts, post, post, post. And I'm like, wow, why do I have to post? This is our thing. Who cares? I saw another post. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about it.

So I'm like, why? Why? This is between us. It's the matrimony, bond, or whatever. And she's like, just post about it. It means a lot to me. It's a special thing for me. And I'm like, well- I hear that. I get that. Okay. I agree. And I go, well, we had a threesome once. So I'm going to post about that. Did you? Yeah. And she's like-

well, I don't know about that. I'm like, well, that was special to me. And she's like, yeah, but this is a bomb between two people. I'm like, that was a bomb between three. Three beats two. That's a great bit. Yeah. I'm sure that's already hitting. I tried it once and it did okay, but I can't find my footing yet. That was between three is a great line. Oh, you like, okay, okay. Did you try that line yet? Yeah, yeah. That's the only laugh it got, but I was...

It's tough because in this setup, it's tough because it's like, well, obviously you share a wedding photo and not a threesome. Of course. Obviously there's that flaw in it at the gate, but the bond between three line is killer. Yeah, she's like, but the wedding I dreamed about as a kid. I'm like, I dreamed about this as a kid. And then I do a whole thing where like a wedding. I told my friends about this. Well, I told my friends about this. Yeah, oh, that's good.

And a wedding for a girl is like a threesome for a guy because you envision them the same way. Who are we going to invite? Where are we going to do it? That's good. How much is it going to cost? So it needs some. Did that hit? That didn't do great, but the other part did. How much is it going to cost? I thought that was going to hit too, but it didn't. That's comedy for you. How many times have you tried it? Once. I'd give it another shot. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, yeah. She hates the bit, but I'm also like, hey, we're talking about the engagement. You wanted more exposure. Yeah. Yeah.

So there could be something about like, you know, and look, I'll be honest, the threesome wasn't always planned. You know, it was the same as my wedding night. No. Something about my best man, I was going to say. Oh, right, right. No, no, no.

I'm trying to think, like, wedding. Yeah, I was trying to avoid something about I didn't eat the fish. The fish? But I'm trying to avoid that part. But, yeah, yeah, there's got to be more there, you know? Like, my mom loved it, you know? Yeah. Something like that. That picture, I guess, and she's right, because...

We don't have any pictures in the three-way, but we've got some great video. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's something. Yeah, that's funny. I'll put that on Instagram. They blocked it. It is weird that like

It's very... The wedding shows to the woman that you're serious. The three-way shows the man that she is. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like, how come ladies get their thing, but we can't have our thing? Well, you did get your thing. Well, I mean, like, publicly. You're not really going to publicly. No, no. I think the bit is you just keep going with the three-way versus the wedding. Right, right. You got the angles. I think the cost is funny. I think...

I think you planning the three-way, the way a woman would plan. We hire a planner. What do we do for the food? Yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's good. What if there's a joke in like, I object, or that guy in there, or the priest. Yeah, there's a lot here. There's a lot to play with because weddings are so big that there's a lot of angles to go down.

Damn, I can't believe you had a three-way. I actually didn't. I made that up. Oh, really? Yeah, but it's for the good of the pit. Yeah, I was going to be like, damn. I fucking... I ran it by her. She was like, yeah, whatever. Oh, to do on stage with me? Yeah, yeah. You know, like, can I say we had a three-way? She's like, ah...

Go nuts. Yeah, it's all for the joke. That's what people don't get about jokes. It's all mechanics. Well, a lot of it's true. It's the truth. I mean, or like, you know, if it's a story, it's definitely true. I think there may be parts that you like. Like, I've had bits where, like, I end on, and I'm like, well, that ending is, like, a little tweaked. Yeah. But, like, it always comes from a real place in some way. Yes, yes. The real place in this bit is, like, well, if we had a threesome, I'd want to...

tell people exactly you know and you want to tell me about your thing yeah you know but i just think it's weird when people are like i do a school shooting joke you know kids when i was growing up kids yelled shotgun now kids yell that in the classroom and people are like how dare you make jokes about school shoot i'm like it's just the shotgun shotgun like that's all i saw there i was like that's a bit that could be something you connected something i connect

something. In your mind to make a fun dark joke. Yeah, I'm not promoting. You're mocking your age versus this age. I mean, that's it. I got a homonym or a homophone or whatever. I have a bit about mass shootings in my act right now. It's like, you know, I feel like I had in the last one too, but

Now it's a more personal bit. It's about me teasing a kid until he threatened to shoot up the school and it becomes a whole story. And I feel fucking guilty about it, so that's why I'm talking about it. But it was cool. I mean, he comes to shows now. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I mean, it's one of those things where you're like, oh, fuck. It turned into a bit where I feel guilty. So that's why I made it a bit. Because I was like, it's like my confession. Yes. You know? Oh, interesting. Interesting. Well, we didn't... I mean, at least I didn't grow up with...

School shootings, really. Actually, Columbine was, I was in ninth grade. So, I mean, that did, I guess. I still remember the rock bit. Like, we didn't have any friends. There were six of you motherfuckers. We don't have six friends. That's three on three with a half court. That's a great bit. Great bit. He opened with that, too. That's a fucking amazing. Trench coat mafia. Yeah. That was great. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, I see white kids come on now. I jump off the elevator. Like, that was a whole bit. I mean, that was...

Yeah. That was legendary. That was legendary. It is. I am scared of young white boys. That was the opening. I remember being like, oh my God, he's going in. He's going right to Columbine. It was so good. Yeah, I definitely wasn't scared of school shootings when I was in school. No, no. It's one of the things where kids have to think about that. Isn't that crazy? That's an insult now. We were like fat.

ugly, gay, and they're like, school shooter? Like, that's an insult now. Like, how many roasts have you seen where they go, Joe List looks like a school shooter. Like, it's a go-to glasses nerd look school shooter joke. Yeah. That's new. Not new, but new-ish. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. Kids have to worry about

I mean, that's the thing is like we all saw guns in high school. Sure. Like I grew up in Manhattan and I saw guns. So it's like I damn sure well know you suburban kids saw them. Right, right. You know, like-

That's crazy. That's something you have to think about. That's stress on a kid, man. That's good. Yeah. I had a bit in my last special. I'm like, man, now getting held back is a real threat. That was my angle. Like, do you want to go to summer school? Please. I've already done two tours a freshman year. That was a joke. Two tours. Yeah, that was a bit I had on school shooting. I remember that. But they fucking...

That's a real thing, man. Well, I mean, I feel like the inner city schools kind of had a metal detector thing going on. But then when it hit white schools- I love when a club has metal detectors. I do too. I love metal detectors. I love them. But not great with my hip. My fake hip, but no. The same hip that had a three-way? It wasn't easy. They really tighten those bolts. But I just think-

It was big, but it's funny how black comics are always like, when it hits white people, that's when it becomes a story. It's true, though. It's so true. When it hits the Sandy Hook or Columbine, it's a fucking news story. No one gives a fuck about Chicago. I mean, that's the truth. I mean, there's so many shootings in Chicago. More than Iraq.

I have died in Chicago. It's crazy. It's horrible. But that's weird because I have black friends who are like, don't ever bring up the Chicago thing. White people always do that. They always do it. It's true. It is true. So do we bring it up too much or do we not talk about it enough? It's a tough line there. For sure. For sure. No, it's true. I mean, I don't know.

Guns are just, I'm just not a gun guy. They scare the shit out of me. I'm not, although, you know, I know some of you are listening like, well, you're not a bike or a car guy either, Sam, so shut the fuck up. I could teach you how to shoot a gun. We'll go to Central Park. We'll do a Patreon. Well, I was in Oklahoma. I was just an OKC guy.

And Liz, who runs a club there, she's great. Oh, yeah. She was like, let's go shooting tomorrow. And I was like, I'm in, but I'm fucking, I was too tired. But I was like, I would love to go shooting. My friend, you know, Chris Allen, he was in the military. He's a big gun guy. And he took me...

in, I think we were in Dayton and we went to the gun range and I was sick as a dog. - He's two and a soprano, he would scare me. I feel like he would make a joke like, "You big mouth fuck." - Right? But the thing with guns is just so real. Like you're like bam, bam, you feel that pop and that kickback and you're like, "Whoa, this is wild." And you can turn it sideways and you can end a life. It's a lot of responsibility.

I'm not a big gun guy either, but... They scare me. Yeah. It's just weird. I'm just... It's too intense. I don't like anything that definite. I don't like a balcony. I don't like a fucking balcony. I don't like anything that could lead to permanence. Yeah. I hear you. I don't like a wedding ring. Ah! Ha ha ha!

Hey, nobody does. But you're right. I'm with you with the definite. We like light. We like in and out. We do the road. You're in Kentucky. You're out of Kentucky. We're cowboys, man. We're fucking. We're literally rolling up on a horse. Well, they like guns. They like guns. But we're rambling. We're ramblers. I love it. We're not really cowboys. No. I mean, we did fuck that one time. But other than that. I can't quit you.

that was a good movie great movie that's an underappreciated movie great movie it's it's i heard mark walberg turned down the gyllenhaal part ah big mistake but then he but then he's playing do you see the trailer for his new movie where he plays a dad where his gay son kills himself and like that's a one mark walberg role where he's just like i failed you as a father oh no i haven't seen that trailer it's rough man he's a punchline

He's a good actor. No, he's not bad. He's not bad. Boogie Nights is great. Boogie Nights is amazing. But I wonder if Gyllenhaal's like, damn, I fucked a dead guy. The guy he fucked is dead. Yeah, it was acting, though. That's true. That's true. I think his wife was probably more like, I fucked a dead guy than the guy he acted with. Was he married?

He was like a strange, I think, for Michelle Williams, wasn't he? Didn't they have a kid together? She's a hell of an actress. She's great. Heath Ledger rolled, man. Killer actor. What a way to go out, too. Brokeback and The Dark Knight is how you go out? That's kind of legend. Could you give me two more different roles?

Yeah, good point. Than a gay badass cowboy. Good point. And the Joker. Yeah. Speaking of Val, I don't want to give too much away, but his wife leaves him because he's always obsessed with his roles. So she bails. So there's a price to pay for art. Is he together with someone now?

I don't think so. Well, then also the throat thing kicked in. That's tough. Yeah. Poor guy. I know. He's such a sweet guy. I mean, you got to watch it. I remember he tweeted about Bargatze's album years ago. Do you remember that? No. He tweeted about Nate Bargatze's album being like, what a wonderful comedian or something like that. You're like, oh, I love that guy. Yeah, he's all heart. I mean, he's integrity. He's sweet. He's nice. He's got two great kids. The kid narrates the whole thing because he can't talk.

Oh, my God. Could you imagine not being able to talk? We take it for granted. We do podcasts. We do stand-up. This is everything. The voice. Poor guy. Will he ever recover? No, I don't think so.

I know, I know. This is all wrapped up in the plot. You got to see it. I mean, take a night off and really turn the lights out, get a popcorn. I'm at the cellar later, but I'll probably watch it later. Watch it after. Damn, poor guy. It's heavy. You too. You could use a little pain in your life. But we got to wrap this thing up here. We're going long. Give some road shout outs, man. I'm in Portland, Oregon, Royal Oak, Michigan.

Boston. I laughed. Boston. Atlanta, Georgia. Millersville, Pennsylvania. Philadelphia. Fuck. Millersville. Moon Tower in Austin. I think it sold out, though. Nice. Then I got, what else? Fuck, man. I'm everywhere. I'm fucking everywhere. You're everywhere. You're on the road, and you're grinding it. That's what it's all about. Building material. SamRoyal.com slash shows for tickets. I'm just checking my missed. Oh, yeah. St. Louis. Ooh.

Helium in Missouri. They got a new manager finally. Indie Helium. Good room. Springfield, Missouri. Man, I'm really hitting up Missouri. I'm trying to get COVID at this point. Chicago, the Den. Denver Comedy Works. Fucking Cobbs in San Francisco. Stand Up Live. We got great gigs coming up. I can't wait. So it's going to be great. And yeah, shit. Great gigs coming up. SamRoyal.com slash shows.

See you there, man. Careful on SF. I hear it's Wild West out there. Is it? That's what I hear. Well, it's November, so. Ah, okay, okay. Hopefully it's better by then. I'm sure it won't be, but. Who knows? Hopefully it's better when flu season starts. Oh, yeah, flu season. I forgot about that.

I'm at the Arlington Improv, Appleton, Wisconsin, Skyline, Funny Bone, Albany, West Palm Beach Improv, Comedy Connection in Providence, Comedy on State in Madison. Comedy on State, the GOAT. Nashville, Rochester, Richmond. All good rooms. Portland, Boston, Atlanta, Buckhead Theater. Try my theater, Chubb. We'll see what happens.

And yeah, get on the Patreon. You're missing out. We're going to unbox these motherfuckers on Patreon, see what's in them. Could be SARS. Could be a bomb. Anthrax. I don't know. COVID, Delta, Lambda. Who knows?

Come on by. We'll read your emails, Pex. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Thank you. Email us, patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. We're growing pretty quickly. Leave us a nice review. And Fat Cat will be sitting right here pretty soon. Don't you worry. We got a sweet design. You guys are going to fucking jizz over this design. Good looking bottle. You'll jizz in your own hand in a hotel room. I told you that in confidence. This is terrible.

All right. Thanks, guys.