Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci
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Hey, hey folks, here we are. We might be drunk. What's shakin'? We got the one, the only Kyle Dunnigan. Been there, done again. Been there, done it again. What's shakin'? Dunnigan. This is primo Dunnigan time. I mean, it's just RFK Jr. up the wazoo. It's Bill Maher up the ass. Oh!

I think Amar is my favorite. Is he in the news right now for something? No, but he's always on. Are you saying Bill Amar's primo now? Like he's in the news now? I feel like his show is bigger than ever and then now you pop up and you got a hell of Amar. The Bill Amar reading to children was probably my favorite.

Oh, thank you. That was a big one. You know he doesn't like me, right? I know. I heard the clip. Pull it up. Why doesn't he like you? He went on Rogan. Because he's funnier? I don't know. He was like, and it was that reading of children. It was the only thing I'd done. And he went on Joe Rogan's podcast and said I did a terrible. Well, he just had like, he does a terrible impression of me. He just brought it up.

It's perfect. Wow. I mean, it's exaggerated, but that's what an impression is. He's like, I don't know who he is. I would think he's a comedian. He'd be like, he'd kind of like it. Of course. Yeah, no. Oh, is he going to watch it? Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about. Congratulations, by the way. Before we leave. What's that? Did I say Klinsky? Oh, go back. Yeah. When you were laughing at some guy doing a terrible impression of you. And it's a very... He brought that up out of nowhere. Oh, really? By the way, you can tell Rogan loves his impressions. Oh, yeah. This is the top of the show, too. This is when he first got on. Is it? He was doing a terrible impression of me.

Didn't know who he was. Have you? Went to Hawaii with him for a week. No. Yeah. And I know from other people. Yeah. And AJ Benz used to send me like, Bill Maher doesn't like your impression. It was like a random story. But like I was dating somebody who he liked and invited her. And then so I understand why he didn't. Oh, weird. So I think he was interested in her. He already knew of the impression. Yeah.

Not at that point. But this, him just like, I don't know. I just felt like this was like him being like, I don't know who he was. Like he's a nobody. When like, I know he knows who I am. And then this other woman came up to me in Whole Foods and she was, I just have to tell you, I was like a waitress on Bill, waitress, on Bill Maher's plane. And I went up to her and I said, have you seen Kyle Dunning's impression of you? And he turned away from me and he wouldn't answer me. And then they made me sit in the back of the plane. I didn't get a tip. Oh my God. Like get that lady in the back. Whoa.

No tip for you. A Rosa Parkster. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. I don't know. It's amazing that you're like with him for a whole vacation just picking up his mannerisms and he doesn't know you. He was so mean to me on this trip. And even my girlfriend and I was like, he's being mean to you, right? I go, yeah. And I was very kowtowing quiet. I made like one dumb joke and then –

His N-words was black people. He did a show. He did an amazing show. And I heard the crowd was tough. I made some soup with that. And he goes, oh, now he speaks. Oh, I hate that. Anyway, I...

I don't know. Can we set you up in scenarios as Bill Maher? Sure, sure. You're fucking a woman and she can't come. Okay. Oh, I don't care. I'm done. He's big into...

Black hookers? Black hookers is a big thing. I was never mean to him. Before this, I only read to children, like, whatever. It's like a stupid whatever. Pull it up. But he goes... We never even got to this, by the way. But after this, then I did do some rude sketches. Well, I guess, yeah, show this one first. He asked for it, right? Yeah. No.

Yes, he did. No, I... That's a classic Hollywood move, is pretending to not know who someone is. That happens all the time in Hollywood. That's literally called Hollywooding. Yeah, there you go. It's a verb. I'm leaving. It's amazing. We don't look at this. I'm leaving. If you play that, I'm leaving.

Okay. He's a terrible... I don't matter. People have done me and I can laugh at it. He's your face. He's got your face and he's doing an impression of you. I love that he's trying to sell him on it after he said it. Yeah.

Does he play it as well? He won't let him play because if you play it, I'm leaving. Oh, wow. I know. I don't know why he even cares. I hope that the waitress met him like right after this interview. I said waitress, stewardess. Stewardess, yeah. But yeah, this – I just thought it was funny. Like why does he even care? But yeah, I don't know. It seemed to bother him. So now go to Bill Maher reads to children. Okay. Okay.

Which he would never do. That's why it's funny. I know, exactly. I mean. He hates kids. No, I guess you have to put in Kyle Dunn again. Oh, Mars spelled. M-A-H-E-R. That's so funny to hate. I get a million guys doing me. I've never gotten angry about it.

This is like the meanest. This is only done before he, I don't know, got mad about it. Yeah. Okay. Hey, diddle diddle, the cow jumped over the moon. Oh, really? A cow jumped over the moon. It took NASA astronauts going 17,000 miles an hour.

The faces. This is bullshit. A cow couldn't jump over one of you stupid idiots during nappy time. Okay. Oh, you're crying now? I'm on page two. Buckle up, Al. That's great. That's great.

Well, thank you, guys. I got to go. I just came here for a compliment. He should have you on. He'll have you on eventually. We have the other impressionist on. That sounds like weird. Like that at the...

And then he was shitty to that guy's impression. Yeah. Oh, really? A lot of people don't like impressions of themselves. Well, he has a very high sense of himself. Like he always says, I'm the best comic. I'm a great comic, blah, blah, blah. Where other comics are like, I suck. Like David Tell is like, I'm a hack. Mars is like, I'm the king. Yeah, he's a lot like Trump. He doesn't like the impressions of himself. People who don't like the person that's like you. That's true. Yeah.

That's true. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Who do I not like? I've never seen him laugh either. You hate Cosby? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. People who hate Trump tend to be a little Trumpy. Like, you know, they're...

Alec Baldwin. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, you know, all the blue haired ladies were like, you can't say that. I'm like, well, you're like a dictator now. You're telling us what we can and can't do. It's kind of ironic. And they kind of have Kim Jong-un's haircut too. And body. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Boy, I'd love to see that guy naked. Yeah.

There's not a stitch of hair on that body. I bet he's smooth as a seal. And I bet he's got a tiny, tiny little crab rangoon. His belly goes over it. You're like a family guy where you don't even need to blur. Yeah, the Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's about right. Holy shit.

That's good stuff. By the way, that's never what you want to hear on a naked pic. Zoom in. That's true. He's all ball bag. He's got a fupa. It's fucking bad. Yeah. What does David Tell say? I want to tickle him till he queefs duck sauce. Queefs duck sauce. What are the others? You do RFK. That's a great one. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Did you guys hear his story? He put a bear in Central Park. Yes. It's very weird. Well, it's so weird. But the thing is, it's a really funny prank he did. And instead of owning it, he put a bear on top of a bike and put it in Central Park. It was like a bear was riding a bike and fell over and died.

That's very funny. But I guess he didn't think it was very presidential. So he went on Roseanne Barr's podcast. He tried to get ahead of the story. But his story was so crazy. He was doing the thing where you like hug yourself when you're trying to self-soothe. Oh, yeah. Because he knew it was like off the rails. The first sentence he said was –

While I was out with my friends going hawking, like the most unrelatable. Hawking, hawk to a. Hawk to a. He goes, and this woman in front of me, she hit a bear and the carcass looked pretty good. So I put it in my car. I was going to skin the bear later and eat the bear meat. He's doing a, he's doing like, I'm some, I don't know, earthy person. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But he's doing this the whole time. And then he goes, you know how, I guess it's the redneck in me. That's what he said. Which it's like, I think if the opposite of, if there was like a test, the opposite of redneck would be like a Kennedy. Martha's Vineyard. You know how rednecks go hawking? $80,000 a year. Right. Hawking where you have to buy a hawk. It's also hilarious that he's, was he still running for president when he went on Roseanne's pod?

Oh, I bet. Yeah, it was at the tail end. But I love the self-soothing. If you go Roseanne Barr, sorry, RFK, Bear, I think it'll come up. And I didn't make up any of what I just told. That's the top one. It's the exact. And Roseanne Barr is like, huh? Even Roseanne is freaked? That's a bad sign. She's a kook and a half. I like her. He said the day started with a trip to the hut.

Yeah, yeah. Go back a little bit. Skin the bear. Ah! The face touch is lying. Yeah. Yeah.

for a roadkill bear. You're allowed to get, pick a bear up and put it in your car. You know how people. Where's Cheryl Hines on all this? She's like, you brought home a fucking bear now. What do we do? You're already running for president. You don't have secret service. Now you bring a bear home. Well, that's the thing. He never brought that bear home. That's the thing. It's like he, it was always just going to be a prank, which was. Oh,

He should have said – the end of it, he goes like, I was late for the airport, so we just had to put the bear in the car – in the park. The other part of the story, which I'll stop talking about this, but –

And to explain the bicycle, because how do you explain this bicycle? He goes, my friend asked me to get rid of his bicycle for him. Which is like, first of all, how do you not know how to get rid of a bicycle? It's like eBay or like your, I don't know, the front, you know, like the sidewalk maybe. Both in Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction. He's like, I can get rid of this. Yeah, so I'm like, I'm going to ask Robert F. Kennedy to get rid of this bike for me. Right, right. You ever heard him without the voice, pre-voice? It's pretty wild.

It's so crazy to see him, no crazy voice. He's young. You got to go young. What happened to his voice? I think he got some kind of illness in the trachea. Do you think he would have been present if he didn't have that voice? It would have helped. Yeah. But the bear shit doesn't help either. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Isn't that mind-boggling? Yeah.

It's got to level. About the case after the trial. That's almost more intense than Christopher Reeves before and after. Yeah. That makes me, that's one of the stories with Mike, there's no God, how she died right after lung cancer. Yeah, that's right. Staying with him. Superman can't walk. What's next? Aquaman going to drown in the tub? Ha ha ha.

That's a little Bob Newhart for you. Look how cute. Oh, wow. Good-looking guy. And all the Kennedys are hunks. They all have good hair. That's that Irish stock. Pull up...

John F. Kennedy Jr. This would be my number one if I flipped to homosexuality. Yes. I think he is the best looking guy on the planet. Body, hair, face. Everything. You like everything. I mean, the whole thing. He's a Kennedy. He can fly a plane. Apparently not well. Oh, that's true. That's funny. He cannot fly a plane.

look at that hairline. I mean, the thick, full head of black hair, the perfect amount of chest. The second thing you said about him was the thing that killed him. All right. He couldn't swim either. Whitney Houston, she can draw a bath. There he is. Woo.

Yeah, I go down the... YouTube knows my... They know what you like, and it's just like plane crashes and fat people falling down. Kind of looks like a non-Italian Moltisanti, a little bit. A little, yeah, a little. But look at that. I mean, that is a man. Handsome guy. Woo! Got the good smile. He's got the suit. He's got the...

He kind of sounded dim, though. Did he sound dim? I never listened to him. He's kind of talking like this. Good-looking people I don't listen to, man or woman. But that plane crash, oh, my God. The terror they must have felt because it was dark. And all you do is you hear the screaming sound of the wind going by. Because you don't really feel it.

You don't have a good sense of whether you're up, down, or sideways. When you can't see the horizon. But you hear the sound of just... And then the girl in the back and her sister was there. And her sister was probably like, what am I doing in this plane right now? Wait, wait. You've heard the plane footage? No, but just knowing that dive bomb. I haven't heard actually any of that. But...

The speeds. Yes. You know? I think you can feel it. My dad had a very similar, like, plane. Did he die? Not that we... No, he's fine. Oh. He's actually... No, he did die. He didn't die in a plane crash. Okay. He's fine. All right. He's... I heard that Stephen Colbert's dad, brother, and cousin were all... I think two brothers. He lost a lot of family. Pull it up. Plane crash. Crazy story. Well, you know, the Kennedy's, there's like...

Six. Six in a plane. That's why the mother said to him, she asked him not to fly his plane when he went to get a life. Oh, wow. And then he died. Two older brothers. Damn. Dad and two older brothers. Wow. Plane crash after. Was that one plane? Okay. A crash in North Carolina. Can you see how many plane crashes the Kennedy family has been in? Because I think it's like something like six. Damn.

I hope I'm not wrong. I hope I'm wrong. Well, the Irish. World War II and stuff? Yeah, like his brother died in World War II in a plane crash. Yeah. And then a sister died. She was like dating the prince of some place in a plane crash.

See, they ride around in those single-engine Cessnas all day. That's what rich people do. They got the mini planes. Four plane crashes. Okay. Four is pretty good. That's up there. Not bad. It was only four, Kyle. Really? You're wrong. I'm right. I told you there was no God. So terrific. You do Trump, too? Yeah, but I did Trump very early, but-

I feel like everyone does it better. Yeah, who else? You do Caitlyn Jenner. Oh, that's a great one. Lady Driver coming through, baby. Yeah, baby. It's got Austin Powers in there. It's all Austin Powers. Do I make you Randy? People forget about that. Alec Baldwin? Yeah. You do a lot of people who have killed people. Can you do Alec Baldwin? Yeah, what's Alec Baldwin? Um...

My wife, Ilaria. I do like the quiet Alec Baldwin. Do you think Baldwin or RFK have seen this? RFK must have met you. I did meet him backstage once at Largo. He was backstage. Really? He loves comedy. Why was he there?

Probably with Cheryl. Yeah, she was there. Yeah, maybe she was performing. He loves Tim Dillon. He loves Rogan. He's always in that world. He did Kill Tony once. Oh, he did? Yeah, he did a set and he really bombed. Wait a minute. RFK Jr. did a comedy set? At the Forum.

Can we see that? It's really bad. Oh, this is hilarious. Yeah, I'll tell you that. Cucumber. I know. I wish somebody sniped it. She goes, cucumber? How do you say cucumber? This is the low point. She pretends not to remember an American. Oh, let's see this. Let's see this. Pull it up. We have tomatoes. We have, um, how do you say it again? Cucumber. Cucumbers. Cucumber. What? Cucumber. Whoa.

How do you say cucumber? Whoa. You grew up in Massachusetts. Whoa. Here's a question. Why did Alec Baldwin, I understand coming in here once. Sure. Why seven times? Yeah. I mean, more than that, obviously. But like, why? He looks exhausted. Siete. Have you seen him lately? He looks so tired. Oh, he's got all those kids and a Hispanic wife.

If she doesn't clean around the house, you got to be like, hey, you got to keep up with Hispanic part everywhere. Of all the loads he shot, the worst ones have been in her. It's amazing how, boy, she is very fertile. I know, right? He started at what, like 55 he started having these kids? Because he's got to be. No, he's got to be older. Look at him.

Yeah. But when he started. One, two, three, four, five. Having a pregnant wife now is so much work. Imagine doing that five times. It's insane. Imagine picking out that many matching pajama sets. That gives me anxiety. That's true. It was a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven kids. Holy. And she looks great. She hung in there. She's like a yogi.

But still, he must be tough. How old is he? He's got to be 65. There is actually, you can see he's got some Instagrams.

He probably was in his mid-50s when he started. Are they still making Rust? Full head of hair. Rust 2. I think Tig Notaro replaced him. Well, that was D'Elia in another movie. Wow. Rust 2. Oh, yeah. We had another thing. I can't remember. That naughty little fatty. You never met Alec? No, I never met him.

He's got an Instagram. If you want to see, you could read through that. He does seem miserable. He's like, sure, I miss golf with the friends and poker nights and going to the movies. He just lists for 20 minutes. But they're great. I love them. I love my kids. Yeah. 20 more things. Damn. When I was younger, I feel like a lot of people had

Five kids, four kids. You don't see that as much anymore. No. Now it's one or none. Well, it's like people aren't – people are being more honest and you just – Yeah. Whenever I meet people, they're like, don't do it. They're just like, it's real hard. It's not a – Well, you don't have to – Everyone is depressed. Like everyone's like, I'm depressed. Life is horrible. There's so much hate in the world.

And then you're like, you want a kid? They're like, well, I don't want to ruin my life. I'm like, oh, wait, I thought your life was depressed and ruined and worthless. What's Dan Aderman's joke about this? Oh, yeah, about the car? He's like, yeah, they don't sell it like a car. Oh, that's great. It's a lot of work, you know. There's going to be good days and bad days. Yeah, he goes, how's this car? And he goes, it's not easy. Oh, maybe that's about marriage. Marriage, yeah, it's about marriage. But yeah, marriage is tough. That's a great bit. He has some great ones, man. Oh, yeah. Big fan.

So what do you do on the road? Do you do the impressions or do you do an act? You know, I just started to incorporate them more because I do feel like people like impressions. Oh, people love them. I've actually been writing music and I have this one song that I'm writing right now that I put like a bunch of. The music guy now? Come on. You play guitar on the road?

I have them put a piano out for me. All right. And I have a band. Sometimes I bring the band with me. It's really fun, yeah. Really? You got a band? Mm-hmm. Yeah, we perform at Joe's Pub. You know Joe's Pub here? Yeah, we do that every few months. Wow. Look, I know you look down on guitar comics, but that's what I am. That's what I am now. No. Me. You going to get an easel? I might. Come on. I do...

a bunch of different like I go from one thing to the next and it does cause I'll start with stand up cause you can't it's hard to go back to stand up but yeah who's this guy hey sit down come on in oh yeah go pee I'll come down to the bus station slap a dick out of your mouth when you're that we've heard hey Rosebud

You know Kyle? Hi, how are ya? This is a classic. This is my favorite guitar comic. Oh, oh. Oh no. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's when you really need a two camera shoot though. Yeah. Oh yeah, we saw. What do you think, folks?

No. What do you think, folks? Okay. Okay. Wow. That's going to be you. It's a lawsuit. Yeah. Man. That's probably got a lot of views on it. Oh, yeah. That's a classic video. They should play that at every comedy club before you go on. This is from 18 years ago. Woo. It looks like it's from the 60s. It looks like, yeah. That's RFK. Man, that must have been Boston, I guess. Oh, yeah. Maybe. I don't know. But...

Crazy times that was back isn't amazing how much fucked up shit has happened in a comedy club before cameras Like how many sets do you have in your early years were like man? I wish that was filmed Oh, I have a lot where I'm glad there was no camera. Wow that too Yeah, first time I did stand up the guys say I got two weeks earlier a guy died in the crowd comedian killed Heckler guy what yeah what stabbed his eye with a stick and like what yeah on stage

No, after the show, like in the parking lot. And I was like, cool business. Oh, shit. Wait, which comedian was this? I don't even know. It was such a shitty... It wasn't even like a comedy club. It was like they had magic and open mic thing. Yeah. I don't remember...

And he murdered an audience member? He murdered some guy. This is what this guy told me. I was like, whoa. He goes home to his wife. How was your set? I killed. One guy. Killed a person. Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you there, Kyle. Hey. Oh, hey, how are you? Hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Joy Mode. It's tempting to pick up some boner pills when you're grabbing a chopped cheese at the bodega, but save yourself the headache.

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Thanks for coming. Blair's got a new YouTube special. Check out Blair's special. And if you want to drink, we're more than happy to oblige you. Kyle wasn't drinking, so we weren't drinking, but I'm the bummer, I guess. You're a big bummer. Well, it's 2.30 in the afternoon. Never stops. It does seem early. What is your vice? You guys potheads?

No, my advice is I keep having to try to work on things that no one asked for. And I constantly feel like I need to busy myself. And yeah, workaholic. Oh, really? I've never seen you working. I know. But I trash a lot of what I make. Okay. Yeah. Mine is gummies and self-improvement too. Dichotomous. Yes. That are hellish. Right. Yeah. I do the gummies as well.

at night to sleep and I'm like, how old am I? No, I'm the same way. I gotta get all fit. But you don't get high during the day? Never during the day and never outside my apartment because I don't speak after school.

You know, I just go full mute. Like, I can't. It's just like I'm only alive inside my own body. Right. Yeah. I got to get some of those for my girlfriend. Daddy. Daddy brought. Do you find, because sometimes I'll wake up a little groggy and I feel like I missed a mental step with the weed gummies. Do you feel fine in the morning?

I mean, I'm so used to it at this point, but no, I don't think it's good for speeding up the synapses. Okay. I think it makes you slow as shit. I got to go off of it. I get the weed hangover. I don't like it. Yeah. I went to a sleep therapist who said that gummies, eventually you don't sleep well and it does the opposite. Did you find that? How long have you been doing it? Oh, I sleep like a baby on them. Really? Yeah.

I do too. It's bad. It's the only thing that works. Can you do the sleep therapist as Bill Maher? Okay, people. Do you really think pot helps you sleep? It doesn't. Okay. He smokes a lot of weed. Yeah, he's big into it. Big weed guy. He does it on his podcast. Yeah. That's chic.

Yeah, I guess. Just lighting one up. We might be high. Yeah, there you go. That'd be a bad pod. Yeah. That'd be really boring and slow. A lot of people, though, I'd see comics go up high. I'd be in awe of Big J, not just going up high, but he would do great crowd. I know. And I went on once high, and I was like, this is the worst set of my life. Of course. Yeah. I'm like, I feel the bomb. Yeah. I have the dumbest thoughts. I'm like-

popcorn is good. Right. Like, I don't, like, ever think of anything, you know, just regular. No. And then you start bombing, then you think about bombing, and then you think about that, and then you think about that, and you're just, you're, like, off in another dimension while they're just staring at you. Yeah. Your time is slower, so you're bombing longer. That's true. That was the worst thing about Zoom comedy, was you're bombing...

in your room. So like now I'm in my room bombing and you close your laptop and you're like, oh, I'm home. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still swimming in this feeling. That was the worst. The Zoom shows. That was really tragic because it was just like, this doesn't, this isn't the art form. No, no way. Yeah.

You got all these little boxes and you're like, is that guy laughing in the top right? No, he's not. Okay. It sucks to bomb in places that are like they give you peace in some sort of way because like a comedy club, you're like, all right, that's where that happens. But like I did a gig at the Strand bookstore once and I'm like, I like coming here. And I fucking ate it. And I was like, you guys are ruining the store for me. Like this store makes me happy. Yeah. It's like having a breakup with someone and you don't want to go to the restaurant. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I bombed in front of my hero and I can't even... Who's your hero? Tony Robbins. Is that true? No, it's not my hero, but I did read some of his books when I was younger and I liked Tony Robbins. Really? And I mean, he's kind of a... Now I think he's a psycho because I bombed at his birthday party, so now I have to demonize him and then I feel better. You performed for his birthday? You don't even understand how badly I bombed. No, I could picture it.

What did you talk about? Well, here's the thing. First, they go, because Tony wanted me at his birthday. No idea who he knew. He's a fan. So I had his handlers did like a Zoom call with me. And they were like, Tony, why don't you do a big screening? It'll be Joe Biden. And he'll introduce you. He'll say the president's here. And then you'll come up on the screen. I was like, oh, I'm a little worried they're going to think the president's really there because he doesn't meet these presidents. And then they'll be disappointed. And they were like, no.

this is we're a cult that's what Tony wants you know yeah there's no arguing or whatever so I was like okay so um I get it just was like I knew in the back of my head this was bad like your subconscious figures out before you do yeah because later I figured out

First of all, the intro of me was so huge. He goes, ladies and gentlemen. You know Tony Robbins? Oh, yeah. He's literally a giant. How tall is he in real life? He's seven feet tall. No. Get out of here. At least seven feet. He's at least 6'8". He's very tall. 6'6". He has giant syndrome. He does. Look at that mug. He does. He has a...

tumor action in his pituitary gland and he never removed it and it pumps out growth hormones. That's why he's that big. Oh, that's why he's so happy. Yeah, and he never got it removed. Whoa. So what happened with the bundle? So he goes like, he goes, have I ever disappointed you before? And they're all like, no. Like everyone is...

pumped up with this weekend of like you can do it or whatever the thing was and they're just like and he goes he goes ladies and gentlemen I have a big surprise for you now the guy before me was the secretary of treasury oh okay he was there

Interviewing him went way over, by the way. Who wants that guy at their birthday? I need the secretary of treasury. Well, this is like his birthday, but also like this weekend of his like prime members. And then talk about Zoom, just like TV. He has an amazing studio and just like TVs around the world zooming in. Whoa. 300 people in seats. Oh, my God. And what's the secretary of treasury? He was...

That guy's like a criminal. This is back like during... Like 2008 crisis was like his fault. That guy. Larry Sumners. Oh, yeah. I remember him. So he talks like this and he was... Yeah, no. Sumners. Yeah, Sumners. Did you just put in a different name? He was... What year was that, you think? You did this. Oh, this is...

2020? Okay. 2021. No, it was recent, yeah. COVID time. And he's getting laughs. And that, to me, I'm like, this is definitely going to be that. That's a good sign, though, if he's getting laughs. I would go the same way. I'd be like, if they're laughing at this shit. Yeah. Ah, see, I didn't feel that. But it was corny shit they were laughing at. I don't get why this guy gives a spee. Who's after you, the Attorney General? Well, he was interviewing him, and he was just talking about whatever. So, he goes...

So it's very believable that the president would zoom in, is what I'm saying. Okay. This guy was just on stage. That makes sense. Because they're not saying he's here. They're saying he's on Zoom. Yeah. And so then they show a package of Tony meeting every president. It's taft. Oh, my God. Just like Tony meeting. So he goes, ladies and gentlemen, let's zoom in. And he talked 20 times, like, zoom in from Washington, D.C. And already the crowd's like, rah. Yeah. Rah.

the president of the united and then i come up with my crappy wig on the screen the whole audience goes and i'm like hey it's tony baloney's birthday dead silence like dead silence dead silence and i'm in my head i'm like this is the funniest thing i have this is

Tony Maloney with the closer. You open with the closer. So then I had to introduce myself. And I'm like, no, Kyle Dunning. I had to do some comedy. And I was behind the screen. So I come up from behind the screen. And they all just stand up and start cheering. But I just bombed. And so I was like, what is this weird thing?

And then after I realized like, oh, they're like so indoctrinated. Like you, when someone enters, you give them all your energy. So they were doing that thing. But it seemed sarcastic because I was bombing. And I'm like, yay, you're the one who stakes everything.

And then I just started doing – I was just jumping around. Do you ever panic and just start doing other impressions? Well, no. I was doing stand-up at this point because I had an impression, I think, for the end. Please. This is trauma. Doing up trauma. Talking about it. But you ever do that thing where you're like – in the middle of the bit, you jump to a different bit. You're trying to find something that works. Yes, of course. So nothing's even – and then I said this joke that was so –

It was just, yeah, I had to do my time. I had to do, it was 30 minutes. There was more money than I'd ever gotten. Yeah. I was going to say, you probably made so much money. It was a lot for me. For me, it was a lot. But it's funny because Tony Robbins hired you and after this bomb, you have to hire him to like build your motivation. I gave you the tag. That was good. I want to talk about this. You're like, I need help. I'm in a dark place, Tony. That's really funny. Did he talk to you afterwards or no? This is like maybe the worst thing.

Because I had them sing happy birthday to him and they all turned to him and they were like, happy birthday. And I snuck off and I could still hear him and he goes, did you guys have a day you'll never forget? Because they went like, you know, swimming with sharks or whatever. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. And he goes, this is a night I'd like to forget. Oh. He's talking about me. I've never in my life tried to find him saying one negative thing.

ever in his life. And he said about me, like, I like Tony Hawk. Anyway. But he hired you. He's a fan, Khalil. Not anymore. Yeah, but that's so fucked up to know someone's act, to hire them, and then turn up. He tried to help me, though, in his defense. Like, when I was Joe Biden, he's like, look, he's asleep. I was like, please don't help me. You know, in my head, I'm like, oh, no, this is bad. But anyway, it was quite the experience. And...

Yeah, every time I see him, I feel like a flush of shame. Well, I think he's a bad guy. Mark!

I'm just going to help him out here. Look it up. I think there were murmurs of a me too. Okay. There we go. And let's be real. If you've got a cult and you're not taking advantage of them, are you really running a cult? This is something that I got, which also made me really nervous. I Googled his last birthday, which was his 60th, and it was like- Oh, hold on. Right there. He was crying. The people who-

It was like all these very famous people performing. There we go. Look at that. Four more women accused Tony Robbins of something. All right. Boom. You don't want to kill with this guy? I did it for the women. Donovan gets the last laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

His 60th birthday, which is online somewhere. It's like, you know, Usher, all these people, these fans will be like, Tony, you saved my life. Did he? And his wife's crying. Everyone's crying. And then that was also the setup that made me nervous. I'm like, I can't top his last birthday. Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De Niro birthday. Oh, yeah. The most painful. Well,

What did he... Because I remember it being hilarious, but I forget what he said about it. It was the worst set ever. He started trying to roast De Niro and the lines are bombing. Yeah. And he's like, oh, fuck. And he's bombing in front of Billy Crystal, who he always hated. So it's just this long story of just bombing in front of everyone. In front of your arch nemesis. And he's a huge De Niro guy, obviously. He's a...

Mean Streets is like his favorite movie. Right. I bombed famously at the VMAs. You did? I was the warm-up for VMAs. Oh, at least it's not... That's true. It wasn't televised. But I had to do 10 minutes of warm-up at the VMAs. Radio City sold out a bunch of young, hot twinks and sexy Ariana Grande types. And I am dying. Nobody will even look at me. And J-Lo walked by. And I was like, hey, J-Lo. And she goes...

Like, don't bring me into this bullshit. And they lit me early, and they were like, get off, get off. So I did about eight. There's me trying to get around Bebe Rexha to get on stage. My friend Scott Rogowski was there for a few minutes. Yes. And he texts me. He goes, dude, Norman's doing stand-up here. And then like 10 minutes later, he texts me, he's fucking bombing.

He was in the front row and he came up and shook my hand. He was like, hey, how are you? That's how loose the set was. That's how bad I was bombing. That's a bad setup, though, in your defense. Horrible. Yeah, that was a rough gig.

But I got paid. Yeah, that's what it is. You just get through it. There are get through it gigs. Yeah. And that's what it is. That was a get through it. But it does suck when it's like a hero. Yeah, I just... And then when I got off, you try to like, I don't know, find some... Sorry, it's a horrible story. That's trauma. That's trauma right there. Yeah.

Blair, you're new here. This happens a lot. No, I feel right at home. Thank you. Part of Yamanika, I almost got stabbed in the eye. I bet. That was a polite one, though. Yeah, that was a starter. That was an opening the door. It was a squeak. Yeah, yeah. Nice. What are you doing in New York?

I came to Rosebud's daughter's birthday. Hey! Yeah. Happy birthday. You have a daughter? And then a new special promo. Nice. Just to visit my old home. What a godless town you guys have here. You got that right. Yeah. I'm so tired. Wow. Yeah. I'm weak now. Can we pull up the special? It looks so damn good. How did you get that to look so sharp and crisp? Thank you, Mark. Oh.

you know, Veeps did it all. Oh, I didn't know that. It's not on YouTube. Oh no, it's on YouTube now. I got it back. I got it back. Okay, okay. Veeps, they did Brad Williams as well. Yeah, they did like that little first crop of everyone. But it's on YouTube now, baby. It's so crisp. I shot it at the Urban Room in LA. Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room. Yeah, it's cool. It's like an old rock club. It was really fun. Nice. Cookie. Yeah, music.

Wait a minute. Are those the sleeves with the thumb hole? Yeah, they are. Nice. I like that. In case my hands got cold, I guess. They're in the special. Sure. I got a sweatshirt and it had the thumb holes. I was like, oh, this seems feminine. Yes, an aerodynamic turtleneck. Yeah. The big dog. Should we do some peeves? Oh. Peeves. Anyone got some peeves? Yeah, I always have peeves. We had one today. We went to a diner earlier.

I hate the guy, the waiter will bring you the bill, and then he hovers. I'm like counting chain, I'm counting cash, and he's just like, he wants that money. And I'm like, let me do this. I'm doing math here. Get out of my face. They do that with the thing now. You turn. Oh. And you got to give him a tip. You're like, you're right here. You're right here. I have to go 20%. Yeah.

It's going to go 18. But yeah, I don't like all this. The money should be a little more private. It's like ATMs. Remember you stood back while a guy used an ATM or a porn booth? I feel like people have stopped the distance at the ATM now. Yes. I was like, what are you doing? Get off me. Exactly. I have COVID. Yeah. Back it up. Six feet.

Mine is loud cars. Oh. I'm like, why are you such a loser? Quiet down your car. Hate it. Yeah, why? You just want to disturb everyone. By the way, never a nice car. No, it's always some sort of Dodge. Like,

- Like a variation of a Dodge. - Yeah. - Yeah. That and motorcycles too. - Love motorcycle guys. - What are you doing? - Yeah. - Oh, you don't like motorcycle guys? - No, I don't. No, I'm like, how would you safely bear my children? You'll be dead. - Good point. - You'll be dead before we have to go to preschool. - Right, right. That's true. - Here's a pet peeve, but I think I'm the only one who thinks this. - Please. - When you're in line at the airport, all your luggage, right?

And I just stand there in the line and wait for like a big gap because you pick your luggage up. You got to move 20 inches. You put it back down. It's like all this extra energy. So I wait and you get there the exact same time. But people are like, line moved.

People like yell at you for like doing them a favor. Wait till there's like a gap and you get a nice, you know, walk. Yeah. Do this every two feet. Does that bother you guys? I don't know. It bothers me. I get it. But I get both sides. I get why. Because you're paranoid. Your whole thing is like get through this fucking line. So when someone's holding back seven feet of space mentally, you just want it filled. Yeah. So I get it. But I get your point, too. You're not wrong.

I just, I mean, oh, here's this one other one. It's people who walk. You're walking and they just like, they're walking like this and they walk you into a wall. Oh. And this is my thing. That is a great one. I'm with you. That's on the street too. People do it on the street where they kind of just like kind of fight for the corner, you know? Yeah. And you're like, no, no, no. I hate diagonal walkers. Yes. Diagonal walkers. What are you, a bishop? No.

Like a rook or whatever that is. I had a guy go really fast horizontally through me. Trying to dominate you. Oh my God. Sign of dominance. Dude, this really pissed me off today. I was just checking something on my phone.

I made sure there wasn't anyone in the way. I hate the phone going quickly. But I look down and a guy puts his arm out to fake clothesline me. Whoa. And I was like, ooh, what a motherfucker. Whoa. Yeah. The fake clothesline. What did you do? I just go, fuck. I just go, what the fuck? And he just walked away. He was clearly a crazy guy. He was smoking a cigarette. He looked ratty, but I still hit him with the what the fuck. You should have hung your coat on it. There you go, motherfucker. Clothesline me. Yeah, that's no good. But he's a...

psychotic man. Yeah. Yeah. It still pisses me off. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's quite rude. Still a peeve. I get it. I let a guy walk me into a bush. I just was like, I'm, I see more conversations like, why are you walking into me? But instead, I just like, I'm like, I'm just gonna let him just

See where we go. Yeah. Right into a bush. Wow. And then not even under this and still not getting it. Go ahead. Sorry. Oh, no. I got a New York walking one that you guys will probably appreciate when it's raining and you're both walking towards each other and you're hugging the wall. Oh, the wall hug. Someone has to sort of give to walk in the rain. Mm hmm. Whoever has no umbrella should get the wall.

Okay. I think his scenario, no one is an umbrella. No one has neither. Someone has to give. If it's a lady, I give him the wall. If it's a guy, it's a Mexican standoff. That's a tough one. If he's Mexican, I give it to him. I hate that.

I hate the umbrella, like the slow walking umbrella guy. Yeah. Because I just never bring an umbrella. Yeah, neither do I. Me neither. I just wear it. Yeah. What about this? When like a dumb, like when someone's dumb and they think you're dumb because you said something, but what you said wasn't dumb. They didn't get it. Yeah. And then you go, you have to be like, this number thinks I'm dumb, but you're dumb because you're too dumb. Yeah. Because you didn't get it. That's a good one. That bothers me. That's a great one. That's a big comedy problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, like sarcasm. Yeah, comics. They don't get the sarcasm. They go, what are you, stupid? And you're like, no, no, you are because I was joking. I dated a girl who I constantly was like, this girl thinks I'm such an idiot. Right.

I remember that Sarah Silverman. Be right back. You guys dated for a hot minute, huh? What was that like? That was the Bill Maher plane. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he had a crush on her? No, I think he generally likes her and wants her around and thinks she's funny. The second you showed up, he was... He just was like... Literally, we'd all be in a circle talking and then he would come up and bump me out so I was out of the circle. This guy's a huge...

Is he a very small man? His hands are really tiny. He's a small... He's 5'7". Yeah. I met him once.

Huge hog, by the way. How do you know? Why does Mark know this? It's like lore around LA. Everybody 058. Usually those rumors get around and that one has not reached me yet. Oh, it's a whopper. Can we get a Bill Maher whipping out his dick? Okay, everybody back up. Here comes my hog.

Was that a picture of his death? There's a picture or there's a clip from a prostitute podcast. She's like an escort and she talked about it. God, does everyone have to be on fucking podcasts now? I know. You're banging a prostitute. You think your story's safe? And then she's like, I'm starting a podcast. I'm going to talk about...

I remember I hooked up with a woman in Spokane during the day we hooked up. Nice. And right after we had sex, she was like, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. I'm like, of course you are. Of course you just decided. Yeah, exactly.

Well, fucking podcaster Kamala is on Call Her Daddy. Yeah. See that? That's insane. The political world is so bananas right now. Theo is having Trump and Bernie Sanders. It's just out of whack.

I think she's doing Stern. Kamala Harris is doing Howard Stern. You realize how insane? Telling a kid in the 90s that. You're going to have the first female possibly candidate on your show after the whores with the cold cuts on the ass. We didn't get any of the presidential hopefuls. They didn't ask you? No, we didn't get. But you know. Buttigieg DM'd me.

But you, RFK did fucking Tiger Belly. That's right. Yeah. That's right. And Gillis. And Whitney. And Whitney. Yeah. And Shane Secret Pod. So yeah, he's a busy man when he's not running over bears. Maybe Whitney's baby is an RFK. Ooh. Could be. It's going to go, mama. That's his first words. Woo.

That's what mean guys comment on my videos. They're like, she has the same condition as RFK Jr. They all write that. You guys sound like RFK Jr. No, not at all.

They all write it. No, you have like a cute, you have like a, you do animation and stuff. Oh, cool. Don't you do kid shows? Yeah. Yeah. You hear RFK in a kid show, they're like, who hired Mr. Tracheotomy to do the new Rugrats? Hey, kids, gather around. Ha ha ha.

I'll do an RFK Christmas album. I think that would be... Give us a hit. I would love to. God damn it. Silent night. Did that sell? The problem is it's not the raspiness. It seems like he's gasping to talk. Yeah, yeah. That's what bugs me about it. Yeah, it's upsetting. It's upsetting.

It feels like you can't be like serious. It sounds like a guy who you should give the Heimlich, but he doesn't need it. It sounds like he almost, if someone started talking about that, you'd be on edge. Of course. Of course. But it seems like he's hurting. He's straining. Yeah. What are other ones you've done that blew up? R. R. F. K. I did Nancy Pelosi. Oh, wow. Nobody does Pelosi. No one does Pelosi. Give me some stock tips, will you? Yeah.

What else do I do? Come on. I don't want to get impressions. Yes, Jeff Goldblum. Oh, Goldblum. Dinosaurs. My mom's number one. Really? Yeah, he is a bitch. Really? Yeah. See? I don't know what- Oh, if you go to my Instagram, I just put in a thing that's- You know what's funny? He's in those old Altman movies. He pops up for like one scene. He's in California Split for like a scene. He's in Nashville for like a second. He's in Annie Hall for a minute. He pops up. Yeah.

I did a run of impressions. If you go down to the one with down to the Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn, that one, yeah. Oil paintings. Is that Ben Shapiro you did? Oh, you do do Shapiro. Oh, yeah. Juliette Lewis complimented on that. That's Warren Buffett. Bill Gates.

Who's that? Harry. Oh. Oh, yeah.

You're all wrong. Si, por la cara. Excuse me. But it can't be defined in words. It's the darkest heart of soulless man. It's a note on the piano that mustn't be bled. It's a naughty little piggy handing you a hot dog.

It's a paparazzo. Not getting out of your face when you call him a cocksucking asshole. I'm way more confused now. It's a... You take a swing at a stewardess, but it doesn't taste as good. What is this, four hours long? I don't know. This is the worst.

YOLO, mi homos. We don't have to watch the whole thing, sorry. This is crazy. It's so good. I mean, SNL should get wind of this, or at least bad TV. Welcome to America, Jose. My name is Nancy. Oh, you got that fucking skull hand. No skeleton hands. First, like me, you may think the food on my tray is far away, but I assure you it's just smaller.

I bet he'd really know how to jimmy my jimmy. Yeah, who's the craziest people that reach out that are like, I love this? Seinfeld's a fan. Yeah, he put me in that movie. Yeah, I did Walter Cronkite in that Pop-Tart movie. Has anyone ever gotten mad at you and been like, what the hell is this? Well,

Well, Bill Maher. Cut to earlier in the episode. Yeah, we went off on Bill Maher for a while. Oh, you did? No, no. He, it's, yeah, I don't think I heard from anybody else about it. Well, but. Yeah, I'm, yeah, the, yeah, a few different people reached out and. Who? I'm trying to think. The politicians, I assume, aren't going to hit you up. Nah. But Tony Robbins found you.

Tony Robbins, yeah. How'd Seinfeld find you? Just the videos. Wow. He just DM'd me and then we started talking. And then I was reading a bunch of parts in that movie. I didn't know if I had a job yet, but I did like 10 Zoom table reads. Damn. And I was doing a bunch of different impressions there. Yeah, you did Cronkite. Was that it? Johnny Carson. Yes. Trying not to do Dana Carvey.

Oh, right, right. Dana Carvey's got that one down. Yeah, his, it's like, I just like, was just trying to do a different version because his is so funny. Yeah, of course. I just made it like more straightforward and not as cartoony. Did you see Gaffigan is doing Tim Walls now on SNL? Yeah. I went on Saturday. Oh, really? Yeah. That was Nate.

He was great. So funny. I saw some of the sketches online. They're great. Yeah, it was so much fun. I've never been before. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. Tim Wall, I mean, that would be the dream is just be a regular working comedian. And then SNL is like, hey, can you come do that one guy you look like? Yeah, and it was so cool seeing Dana Carvey too. Did you see Dana Carvey's Biden? Yeah. It was really funny. It was great. His SNL years were so good. That's right.

A lot of people forget I'm president, including me. But guess what? And by the way... By the way... Almost as good as yours. Yeah, that's like... He's so funny. She's perfect for this. She has her voice down. Let's hear it. It's incredible. Oh, really? Yes. What is that thing Kamala says? Unburdened by what may have been... We...

Oh, that's good. That's good. Did you see the guy where he, there's a guy online who is doing the answering questions the way Kamala answers questions is pretty funny. I don't know if that's enough to bring it up, but. Yeah, this is a wacky time to be alive. Remember when politicians were like professional and serious? Now it's all. It's all fun and games, right? It's all call her daddy and, uh.

Theo Vaughn's pod. Is that it? No, this isn't it. Nah. There's a guy. Nah, forget it. Ah, well. Damn. Good time to be a comic. Any recs?

I've been watching the Vince McMahon. You guys watching that a little? Yes. Last night I went through a few of those. Wild. Oh, dude, I got to send you one, Salacuse. This is fucking great. I saw the Menendez one, too. Did you see that one? Yeah. I watched that. It was like four episodes. I had no idea what I was getting into. It was like four episodes. My dad raped me. I was like, what? Yeah, a lot of dad cum. Is that proven, though? Because he just wrote that in. I think so.

is good though because they're gonna get a new trial I think oh really even though they're really mad they were so mad at Ryan Murphy but they were yeah because they're not happy with their portrayals but apparently yeah why he portray us that's gonna suck to be doing a life sentence and then they're like they made a show about you getting raped yeah but apparently they're gonna try

was that they didn't believe in male sexual assault back then. Whoa. And so all the evidence was dismissed in their trial and that's where they got life. And so now they're saying if it were evaluated now, they'd be tried completely differently. Good point. I heard there's no evidence though of the, but I'm probably wrong. There's no evidence. I mean, how,

40 years later I think they're getting a new trial because one of the members of Minuto is going to come forward and say the father raped me because he was a man a music manager oh really that's the new evidence but what about like you still can't like people get you know molested and all that yeah let's get into it you still murder you still murder them

You know what I mean? You drink your dad's jizz enough. I feel like you got a good case. They were like six years old. Yeah. My dad was fucking me. I think I should get to kill him. Yeah. In a decent world. Right. Yeah. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. I had him pull this. This is just like this old audio. Wait, this old audio from just how over they do it in old wrestling commentary. It's so fucking funny speaking to McMahon. Yeah.

Triple H? That's Mr. McMahon's daughter. Yeah.

What the hell was he watching? He's the commentator. Oh. That's how he would call the matches. Oh, wow. Just lose his mind. It was weird to see him smaller now, the documentary. Yeah. That guy, they're all tiny because they stopped taking their steroids. I know, right? Damn. Fitz McMahon, shitting on chess. What a guy. What a guy. He's in real trouble now. That mustache is pretty villainous, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He's looking fucking old. He could be an impression. Have you put him on the list? He's got the rest of you boys. Let me work on that. Pull up a Ritz-Rick man now. He sounds like a little Blair Sokey in there.

Oh, his son is like jumping off steel cages. Yeah. This isn't trailer trash. These are billionaires. What the fuck are you doing? Totally. His daughter's getting called a slut by the whole audience. It's also the only time he hugs his son is after he nearly becomes paralyzed in a match. Oh, right. Like some dark shit. So that's what I had to do to get a hug from my dad. Not one yet. But yeah, he's a scary dude.

Oh, boy. Yeah, his eyes are wild. Oh, please. I remember being a kid, like, walking by, and my brothers were watching, and I'd be like, what the fuck is with his eyes? Yeah. Here's him and, what's her face? Trish. Come on. Tell me you're sorry. Welcome to WatchMojo. Bark like a dog, he made her. And she got interviewed, and she was like, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, she's a real one. She's all right.

By the way, his wife's in a wheelchair throughout this whole thing. I mean, it's great. The gag is that he's the bad guy. He's just writing these storylines where he's like, my wife will be in a wheelchair. I'll be making out with all these young stars. He pushes her down a ramp. Yeah. They make out in front of her. I mean, it's fucking wild. And the crowd's booing, of course. And then, of course, they write in that she gets the last laugh in a match. But it's like he did get to just cheat on her for a while. You're right. All right, Kyle, study this one.

He made her bark like a dog. Bark like a dog. Come on. Tell me you're sorry. This is primetime network TV, folks. I can do her. Well, the best is when he's like...

gets metooed and that night they have a live event and they're like yeah well he's not going to show up and he just comes out to like raucous applause yeah it's because it fits in with what he's been doing because the lines are blurred that seems oh completely i mean they did blackface they did every stereotype in the book they did it all did you see trump when he came back to that same town where he got shot his first line when he came back on stage what'd he say where was i oh

That's pretty good. That's a good line. That's pretty good. So terrific. Well, that's like you ever see, I think this is on George Carlin's tombstone. It just says he was here a moment ago. That's great. He's been to that Hollywood cemetery. It's so cool. Like all those old, like Mel Blanc, it's like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, it's crazy. I won't be right back.

Clever. Merv Griffin, I think. That's on his tombstone. Let's get tombstones for you guys. Matthew Perry's is I won't be there for you. When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there. His doctor got in trouble. You see that? His doctor got convicted of whatever. Overdosing. Was it? It was a lady who was getting the pills. Yeah, it was so sinister. It was like some Michael Jackson shit.

Like the text messages that got released? Yeah, they were kind of like, look at this moron's going to buy more shit from me. What? Yeah. I can't get any pills from anybody. I swear to God.

I try so hard. I can get you pills. What do you need? Really? What do you want? Blue chip? I want like a Valium type of chip. Xanax? Does that work? That's great. I can get you some Xanax. For flying or just for every day? I have an MRI coming up. Oh, shit. I've seen it before. Yeah. And I don't like it. And I asked my doctor, I have one pill? And she was like, no. And I was like, cool. Cool.

That's it. It's not a Lucy cigarette. You can't just have one pill. I think it makes perfect sense. Thank you. Yeah. One pill? Those things are crazy. They're crazy. And then they won't let you fall asleep either. And they're like, bang, bang, bang. Right. Yeah. You have to respond to them. And you're like, I'd like my brain to just shut down. The worst thing, IV, they put in your arm. They put an IV and you could feel it and you're just there for 40 seconds.

Anyway, we don't have to talk about that. Is this real? Matthew Perry paid the doctors about $55,000 in cash in the two months before his death. Estrada said two of the people, including one of the doctors charged, were arrested Thursday. Estrada said two of the defendants, including...

Ayurasa? Ayahuasca? I don't know what the fuck her name is. Have pleaded guilty to charges already and a third person has agreed to plead guilty. Jesus. That's so sad. $55,000 in cash. It's just like, it's just sad how shady it is. I think some kind of recording where they were talking about what an idiot he was. The doctor saying how stupid and they're ripping him off. Could this be any sadder? Had to be done. Obligatory. I'd like to recommend The Penguin.

Oh, really? Yes. Love it. Pull it up. Love it. Yeah, it's not my shit. Like, I would have never sought it out, but I saw it. It's so good. He is invisible, right? Like, you can't even recognize him. You cannot tell. He's like some scary ass ogre. I can't believe that's him. Kristen Milioti is incredible. She's good. She's amazing. Look at him. Yeah. And like, home peril. Boy, oh boy. Who directed this, Sally? Matt. Look, I did the Batman movie we trashed and everyone hated us for. What?

Batman movie we tried. The Robert Pattinson? Yeah. Okay. You know when they do this, they give you a real reason. Like he walks, he's got bad legs, but he walks like a penguin. He's not a penguin. So then I'm like, now I can get into this. Oh, interesting. A real guy. That makes sense. Because the old penguin was just... Yeah, exactly. Pretty cool.

For no reason. It's a little bit like late season Tony Soprano. It's very Soprano. Yeah, it's all the mob, which is not what I thought it was going to be about. This is my practice. Rockies. Burgess Meredith. We're going to crap thunder.

I am due to be released tomorrow, and I still haven't worked out one single crime worthy of my talent. I will stay in this disgusting prison.

Back when superheroes were flabby. Pull this up. Adam West, Batman, was the biggest poonhound in America. He would fuck like two women. I don't know about this footage, but he'd bang two women that night. Then he'd wake up, bang another lady. Then he'd go to the set and have a lady on the set to bang. It's crazy. My mom says poonhound. Oh, really? We should hang. What a bitch.

Vintage. What a vintage brain. Well, it's the 60s, so I'm trying to throw it back. Talk about having a hot mom, too, right? Yeah. Pull her up.

You have a hot mom? Don't act so fucking surprised. No, no, I'm just saying you don't hear that every day. You're like, you? Well, you only hear it from other people about your mom, not the daughter. No, it's like we all, like my brothers and stuff, you know, that would be a heckle to them all the time. Oh, really? That's awkward. It did suck for the kid with the hot mom. Yeah. That was a tough. Thank you. Eight women a night. That's not possible. Talk to Kyle. Yeah. Eight women a night.

Eight women a night? Yeah. Well, you spread it out. That's not even fun. No, it's not. And that was pre-Vallagra. That's true. Wow. He was a superhero.

All right. That is fucking crazy. Adam West, who knew? That's not, he's lying though. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit. All right. Is there erectile dysfunction or erectile disinterest? Now, I'm saying this because I saw this woman be like shitting on her man. Wait, do it as Bill Maher though. Okay, people.

Okay. It's just like shitting on their husband. Like, I think he's just not interested. Right. Well, yeah, we don't get it. We don't want to get into that. But yeah, I know what you mean. But now these kids have nothing to complain about. Because back in my day, if you couldn't get it up, you had to like apologize and tell a story or go down on them for an hour. Now these kids are just like, hey, I can't get it up. I'll take a blue chew. This was big. This is big back then. This is a huge ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. It is.

Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much. And women were like, that guy's shredded. I know. I mean, this is fine. They didn't have protein back then. Yeah. And black people weren't allowed in the limelight. So you couldn't, you'd have to compete. Yeah.

Because they're all ripped. I don't know. We should be going down this road. Well, I'm just saying. It was a better time is what I'm trying to say. They weren't taking our women. Joking. And sports were easier too. And you had someone to do your job. I haven't seen a lot of Jews in the NBA since they let black people in. I'll tell you that. That's true. Dolph Shays. Pull them up.

Oh, pull him up. He's old school. Was he a Brooklyn guy? I think he was. Everyone, every Jew in the old days was from Brooklyn. That's gotta be. I mean, he looks like one of my cousins. He really does. He looks like Michael Richards. Oh, look at that form. I love it. Yamaka Honoro. It's bouncing too high. Oh, my God.

His offense is giving me a lot of anxiety. Not a lot of Jews named Dolph anymore, by the way. It's very cold in this gymnasium. Could you do Woody? I mean, that's Woody, basically. Yeah. You could do Woody. Every Jewish person I make Woody, is that offensive? No. Well, yes, but we don't care. What are the chances this guy's name was Adolph? Oh.

Yeah, it's Dolphus. Good point. I'm at a computer here. Shorten it to Dolphus. Adolf Chase. Oh, Bronx. That was close. You got to change it up after. He's playing for Cat's Deli. All of a sudden, you're like, Adolf. He's

He's like, no, it's not. We don't do that anymore. We changed it up. Good looking guy, though. Good head of hair. This is actually the JFK Jr. kind of look. Oh, yeah. You like there. What do you think, Blair? JFK Jr. a hunk or what? Pull him up. I mean, this is the hottest man on the planet, if you ask me. But he definitely...

Definitely is on something at that age to be that ripped. You know, he's on T or something. Why are you bringing me up? What the hell? Are you talking about RFK? Oh, yeah, RFK. RFK, yeah. Yeah, because he's so jacked and it's like you just don't produce enough testosterone to be that jacked at that age. Totally. He's saying JFK Jr. Oh, JFK Jr. I'm not asking if you want to fuck 70-year-olds. That's what I thought.

That's what I thought you were saying. He's such a babe. Oh my god. He is incredible. Get over here and put a towel down. Have you seen this man? JFK Jr. Come on. What a hunk. Yeah. He's real fresh looking. Oh, hot dog. Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah.

yeah a goy version who uh oh my god look at that who's your top layer yeah i'm such a freak like i like like my number one uh love of my life is walton goggins oh he's a good actor yeah like i think he's just so cool and so amazing you know him you'll recognize him he's in everything yeah again so walton goggins i like

Guys that are not like the actor-y, well, I guess those are really actor-y looking photos. He lives in the West Village where he has a house there. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I've seen him walking around. Look at that mug on that guy. He's all internal. He got his teeth knocked out when he was a child. So people gave him shit about his teeth, but they were actually knocked out. Okay. In Westworld, I remember that guy.

He's in everything. He has so much range. Incredible. Is it the acting that you like? The fact that he's ripped or the crazy mug? All of it. Okay. All three. Okay. Like all at once. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. I like a, I like a fucking freak. Oh,

um who else you know all the women are talking about right now is this adam brody oh yeah all the millennial it's a nostalgia thing but he was excellent in that he's he's good yeah that show is girl porn i've been having to watch with my wife and it's just he's got all this riz and he's funny and cute and he helps old women get across the street yeah and he's like so nice to her yeah it's just like a guy being nice like incredible oh my god best

actor of all time and a win for the Jews you guys needed a win we needed a win he's the leading man I've looked at some of those seller lineups and I'm like we need some good PR right now can we switch this up Jesus Christ oh yeah

He's in that Netflix show. That's what we're talking about. Jesus Christ, Biden. Jesus, Grandpa. What the hell? I'm going to wait. You got yours? What is he on, man? Hulu. Okay, those are two. Do you have a third? Off the top of my head.

of my head. He knows there's a camera there. That's not a great look though. There's no rhyme or reason to the men I like. I like also Jeffrey Dean Morgan because he just seems like a man that like grills in the background. Wait, who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan? He's in a lot of shit. What? Yeah. I thought that was Javier Bardem. Yeah, I know. They have a similar vibe. Oh, okay. He was in...

Yeah, I also like Dwayne Wade. Oh, Dwayne Wade. Yeah, yeah. The little basketball player? I know. He's a pretty guy, though. Yeah. You're all over the road. I really am. I like it. You know what you're like.

Yeah. Interesting. It's really not a, it's like a X factor thing. Yeah. You know, which has not served me well in my life at all. Why? Because a relationship cannot be sustained on je ne sais quoi. That's a good point. You know. That doesn't pay the bills. No. There's a lonely epidemic.

There it is. Very true. Very serious. Okay, let's get Bill Maher reacting to a loneliness epidemic. Oh, you're lonely? Just get a black hooker. That's what I do. He's going to hate that. He watches the show. You're fucked. Come on, Bill. Have me on that whatever thing. Real time?

Literally incorrect, whatever it's called now. He should embrace it. He should. It would be a fun episode of Club Random. I think we need to bury the hatchet here and just be friends. Yeah, you're an atheist. We went to Hawaii together. Come on. Are these his ladies of the night? No, it's his ladies. Oh, okay. If you go, well, if you go Bill Maher. Damn, Bill's pulling. Yes. Thora. Thora. Wow.

You haven't heard from her in a while. Emma Stone. Holy shit. Bill Maher's fucking everything. Hiya, Jones. If you go Bill Maher, Black Coker, you'll see. Speaking of the devil, that's Coco coming in hot. I mean, that's his thing. Nothing wrong with that. Bill Maher and Superhead? What the heck? RuPaul, what? Vanessa Kaye. Oh, Huff. Whoa. Did the Huff. Wow. Damn. They'd Huff's Huff. Amber Smith. Huff.

Tracy Richman. Woo, baby. All right. Quite a list of people that have no connection with each other. He's like, you, Blair. I know. I have the same thought. Yeah. It's like, wow, me and Bill are just twinsies. A lot of range. Uh-huh. What about you, Kyle? Who's your number one besides the Sarah Silverman who broke your heart? Oh, God.

That was very, you know, that was a very mutual. I'm just kidding. Everyone at the same time broke up. Wait, who's my what? Were you pre-Kimmel or post-Kimmel? During. Post, you know, post, you know. What was your question to me? Who are some of your number one hot ladies that you're into? Like a fantasy list or like the ones I've dated? Oh, I didn't know you pulled any celebs.

Well, I mean, not really. Schumer? Silverman? Schumer never were boyfriend-girlfriend. How dare you? Sorry. Anyway. Oh, no. Kyle's on a dating history. Oh, baby. Here we go. Dan Aderman. That was one night. Oh, my God. A black hooker. What the heck? Okay, people. It didn't go anywhere. It was one page of a guy's picture. That's about right. Oh, my God.

Great. It's just an ad for a fucking laptop. Or mental health. What is with that headshot, by the way? You look like a mentalist. You do look like a mentalist. This is terrible. Can we talk about somebody else? All right, all right. No, I... This page is perfect. It sums me up perfectly.

This is a picture of Diddy. Yeah, there is a picture of Diddy. And Adam Brody. Oh, no. Yeah, no, it's not going great. I'll just be honest. Did you guys see that Lana Del Rey, famous pop star, is dating a Louisiana crocodile hunter?

Married. Married. I loved it. That's one for the Louisiana boys. Yeah. I was like, more men should wrangle crocodiles. Agreed. You know? Yeah, and also if you can handle a crocodile, you can handle a little mental illness in a woman. Right. A crocodile might be easier. But yeah, good point.

Oh, look at that. He's like a man. Yeah. This guy's a Cajun Southern dude. I bet he drinks Bodega K. Yeah. Thank you. Jeremy Dufresne. Hey, Mark and I did an interview for Bodega K yesterday, and this guy would not stop pouring us booze. I know. I had like four or five before I went on stage. Yeah. Yeah.

We kept going and he kept being like, I took the night off for this interview, so let's hang out all night. I'm like, ah. I was like, yeah, cool. I have to run an hour. Yeah. Thanks for getting me shit-faced. I know. I set aside a half an hour for this and he was like, we're going all night. We did. Yeah. That was not wise. Did he find you after the show? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So sales are going to skyrocket. Yes.

From the interview? Well, it's the wine enthusiast. I have no wiki feed, huh? You don't? I don't know. I say type in Kyle's wiki feed. Oh, you've got to be on there. No. I've seen your feed. You've got talons. You've got like eagle feet. Yeah. I got really cool feet. You got bad feet? I have a good wiki feed. I got like a monkey's feet. Oh, let's see Blair's. But my reps made me take down my- What? I had a feet OnlyFans for 24 hours, and then they made me take it down because I auditioned for Disney a lot. Oh.

Oh, that's Blair? Yeah, beautiful feet, right? Very nice feet, Blair. What is that? Look at that. I'm glad they took my regular pictures. Oh, yeah, this is too much. Why are they all bikini pictures? I don't know. This is on the internet. This is Alex's homepage.

All right, what are you doing? Dang, I thought they were going to be severed pictures of my feet. No, they go all in. Now I'm humiliated. Oh, there you go. That's a nice covered up photo of Annie Wood. What? How did it get to that? I think Kyle's got wood. My face just turned so red. Oh, yeah. I just pulled up pictures of like bikini pictures. Match the head. I thought it was like a bikini.

it's gonna be feet before i looked him up first yeah no i it wasn't there was nothing if you can find this as a gay site that rates comedians oh i don't want really yeah so i was like it'll be me versus uh brian hamilton or you versus uh judy gold whatever it is yeah exactly i did a commercial years ago that was like a gay hit for somebody i was like shaking a cow

A gay what? It was like a gay hit. A gay hit? Like in the gay community. Oh. For some reason. And Louis Anderson wanted, like, I met him. He was gay. He was gay. Wasn't inappropriate with me, but he invited me to his apartment. And then he had food out and he goes, I can't figure you out. And I was like, oh, I'm on a date. I didn't know. I was like, holy shit. You could do worse than Louis Anderson. He's great.

Yeah. What did you say to that? I can't figure you out. I just go, oh, like in my head, I was like, oh, okay, this is, I should leave. Yeah.

I opened for him in Vegas years ago and we drove around for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, you want to get McDonald's? I was like, okay. And then we sat in the McDonald's parking lot and ate and he talked about comedy and then he touched my leg and we went home. No, we didn't. Well, his knee hit mine. You know, he checks it out. He sees what you're up to. I get it. I don't even blame, you know. Yeah. That's not inappropriate, I don't think. Touch a leg. No, I get it. He's feeling it out.

But I will say he ordered milk from McDonald's, which I had never seen. Wow. That's wholesome and disgusting. Yeah. And also, like, creative. I guess, yeah. I didn't even know that was a possibility. You know what I think a lot of people don't know is, like, because you hear girls be like, a guy just, like, kissed me, you know? Guys will come in. I say this all the time. And I think it needs to get out there, like, for young men. Like, you got to do, like,

like lean the leg on the other leg, see if they move away or not. Things before you go in for a kiss. I think a lot of men don't get taught that and they go, I like this person and they go in and it's like, I mean, you probably just need to be honest. Thank you, Kyle. Please spread this. I'm always shocked. And my friends are always like, you couldn't see it coming? I was like, no, it's like mid-sentence. Yeah, they don't do a pre before that physical, like, is this okay? Like what Louis was doing was like,

And he probably felt you go like this. He's like, okay, he's not into it. Mark, what's that Louis joke about I wish you really went for it last night? Oh, that's a great bit, yeah. What is that? He's making out with some girl and he's like going for the bra and she's like, no, stop. And he's like, okay. Then they're making out more and he goes for the pants. She's like, no, stop. He's like, okay. And then he sees her the next night at the comedy club and he goes...

She goes what happened why didn't we have sex And he goes you kept stopping me and she's like I wanted you to go for it and he's like so you want me to Rape you on the off chance you're into it No he starts by going like What are you out of your fucking mind You know it's like yeah but it's that's a great bit It's a tough one

Yeah. It's tough because you got to know what the lady is into or wants, but you can't ask. But then if you ask, you're like a pussy. Yeah. You can't be like, can I kiss you? And I think the guys going in for the kiss, they've seen it on a movie, you know, where they're just like...

These go in for it and the girls like oh, I'm so swooned. Yeah Like how could you not tell that I was not into it at all like can't you feel vibe guys? Yeah, you've been on a lot of bad dates. We're like they'll just go for it not about dates like I wouldn't say they were bad dates like I

I feel like I screened really well, so they were very nice people. They were not bad guys at all. I've never even had a bad experience, but I just did not see the kiss coming from anywhere. Because I was like, I've known you for 30 minutes at 6.30 p.m. and still light out. Right, right.

Yeah, what do you do then? I always think that I'm going to say something quippy or something in that moment, and then you're so caught off guard that I'm like, okay, I guess I'm just going to be polite and kiss this man back, but I don't want to. Yeah. Oh, that's tough. That's pretty cool, though. That's good to know, the women who are just polite out there. Oh, yeah. So if you're a creep, just go for it. No! I'll just try to make it quick or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I know. My wife was telling me the other day, she's like, oh, I banged a bunch of guys and I just didn't know how to get rid of them. And I'm like, oh, great. All right. Is that what happened with us? She did not say that. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a bunch. She's like, I'm having sex with men who are just like, how do I get out of this? Like, how do I end this date? And you're like, I got to fuck them. Well, I don't even know.

I don't want to kiss a stranger. Like, I can't imagine wanting to sleep with a stranger. Yeah. I have to really, really like someone to want to sleep with them. Right. I know you can't relate to this. No. If I like someone, I'm like, I don't want to sleep with them. Oh, yeah. It's scary. Yeah. Yeah. If I don't like someone, I'm like, we got to make this happen tonight. Right. Right. Right. Oh, yeah. This is like 24 is a ticking time. I think that makes sense, though. Yeah. Yeah.

I think if guys are on a bad first date, you're thinking like, how can I still get laid?

Oh, totally. For sure. I mean, women don't think that way, right? No, they're like, got to get out. No, I'm like, ew, how do I get out of here? I won't even do a dinner date for a first date because I think men at this age now, they're trying to be polite and gentlemanly where they want to take you to dinner. And I'm like, I don't want them to feel like they wasted money or anything if there's not a vibe. A dinner date, I think, is nice for a second date. First date, I'm like, I want a 45-minute good cafe.

It is weird, though. It feels formal to be on a date with a kind of a stranger. And then it is weird. It's a lot of face to face. I feel the same way. I'm like, oh, my God, we're really making eye contact. I know. You think the guys expect sex at the end of the dinner date? No, I don't think that. And I'm not worried about that. I just don't want them to feel like, you know.

They were used? Yes. I don't want them to feel used. That makes sense. And I don't want to be trapped either. Yeah. That's happened. That's how I instituted the rule. I was like, I had one night free from being home from the road and I was so tired, but I was like, I gotta go date. I gotta be like a real life woman. And then I go and after 90 minutes, I was just like, SOS bitch to like any waiter trying to lock eyes for the check. Right. Went on three hours. I was like, never again. What? Dude just kept ordering tapas.

- Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the guy. - Top of the

But she didn't shave her armpits. Now, let me explain. If we are doing – people are going to get mad at me. But like if we're doing I'm a man, you're a woman, that's your part.

Oh, good. That's interesting. I think that's very reasonable. Okay. All right. Thank you. You know what? I hate to agree, but I do. Okay. Wow. If you are going with the gender rules, which I do, I don't think a woman should ever pay or split past 30 years old. I think that's ridiculous. A guy split the check. I'm like, you're a pussy. I don't like you. What are you doing?

Yeah. I don't want that. I think a woman should split if she doesn't like him. If she knows she doesn't like him, just be like,

Don't know interesting cuz then you then you don't have to feel like I use them you're like I paid my half and it didn't work out I think I've never not picked up the I always pick it up. Yeah, I don't think there's ever been a time Even if I'm like never again. I'm like well. I don't wonder then to be like he was it and now I Can't even help it. It's not even a rule or anything. It's just like I lose attraction. You know what I mean because I

I'm like, I'm spending so much money on my hair and makeup and my goddamn nails and outfits and all this shit that I don't want to do. - Okay, see that makes sense. - Yeah. - As he shows up, scrunchy armpits, split the check.

Yeah, I'm with you. Okay. I think don't ask a woman on a date if you can't pay for it. I'm going to get so much shit. No, that makes sense. That makes sense. Or what I've always said, too, as long as it doesn't have to be a really nice restaurant, take her to tacos. I just take out the check. I take out a loan. Yeah.

The dinner thing, if you're not for, I've done it for the first date, and if you're not vibing. No. It's a lifetime. That's a long time. That's a long thing. It's so long. But thank God for comedy, because we have an out. We go, oh, I got a 10 o'clock spot.

I'll see you later. But if you like her, you can bring her to the show. But if you don't, it's a good way to hit the road. I have such the opposite thing as you guys because I know you guys, your whole move is like every male comic is bringing the girls to the show. I don't do that. They're always like, can I come to your show? I was like, absolutely not. Yeah, yeah. I invite you to my show. Right. I feel like that's dangerous. If you don't do well, that could be bad. They don't like what you say. Yeah. I don't have that.

Yeah. Also, I'm like a maniac on stage. I'm completely different off stage. I don't want them to see me being Vince McMahon. You know what I mean? And also, I'm not trying to bring a guy with me to sit in the hall at the comic store. Every dude comic clowns me. Yeah, true. You got to introduce and he's like, oh, man, there's a...

Bill Burr. And you're like, oh, geez. Now I got to introduce you to Bill Burr. Yeah, that is brutal. First date, the show. Yeah, just with the other comics, it was annoying. I brought a girl to a show once. I had a hot set. We had sex. Then I brought her back to another show like a week later, and I bombed. I never heard from her again. I swear to God. Marie! Marie!

Never heard from her again. I had a tough, tough set. And she was like, all right, well, you know, getting late, you know. You almost don't want to bring them back after a hot set. You're not going to do. That's true. If that's as well as you can do. The armpit hair of the guy version. Yeah. I feel like when I'm married, I'll bring them. This is a great. Yeah, that's fair. Go ahead, Sal. You didn't like my act. You're a cashier. I thought. I know.

I'm sorry. I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting. Are you sure you want to talk about this? Because I sure don't. Of course I want to talk about it. Okay. I guess things change for me on Tuesday night. Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? I saw your act. What?

and he goes, you're a cashier. Cashier. You take money. I was on a date once. I was about to say about dating. No, say something. She...

She was just texting, like literally down like this. That's not a restaurant. No, it's not. That's so rude. So I took a picture of her texting, texted to her. Oh, that's funny. I thought it'd be funny. I thought she goes, oh, I do look cute.

She thought I was like, oh, get out of there. And I was like, okay. Get out of there. Split that chick. You ever heard of David Spade's bit about how this girl, he would just keep. Yes. So funny. Yes. He's like, she's like, oh, I'm sorry. I just don't really check my phone a lot. And then he's on a date with her the whole dinner. She's like. Oh.

Oh, man. Seems like you picked it up. I'm not good at texting. Any bits? We do a thing where we, bits you're working on and then you kind of. Oh, my God. I love your, you guys are great. Really good joke writers. If you could help me out, that'd be great. Please. What do you got? You got an idea, premise? Yeah, I got a bunch. Well, what's something you're excited about? Half hour of stuff. I got a, I need a tag for this joke. All right. All right.

So, the premise... I don't want to do the whole bit, but like the premise is really like women not wearing bras. It hurts not to look. When they're coming down the street, you have to look away. I don't think women know it hurts to not look. And then I just... Imagine if all men walked around with adorable puppies sticking out their bras you couldn't look at. And like not...

Like, they're kind of like weird. They want to bite your hand, kind of adorable. Like not rescue. It's like actual adorable puppies. And then they walk on high heels so they get more in your face and they put glitter on. We put glitter on them, you know, for us.

And then I go, and then I go, I'm like, oh no, my whole point doesn't fall out. It'd be so bad if one fell out. And the tag I've been doing is if you looked at them, you can get fired from your job or like, like I know tag on it. Right. If you want, if you want, if you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job. Oh yeah, if you try to pet one. Yeah. Yeah. I go to the restroom, you have to figure that out. Oh, come on. Are you really?

Oh, okay. All right. Go straight through that door. Let it circle around. Yeah, we'll ride it. All right. Oh, I got nothing on this puppy tits. Yeah. I mean, that felt like a bit. Yeah. Like done. It does need... I think it could use a tag, but... Milk bone. Yeah, just... I mean, the premise is you have... I'm going to put them in a pound. Oh, yeah. But having just something women love... Right. ...versus... Right. So...

Well, I've always said the things women like about men aren't considered creepy. Like women like a tall guy. A woman can go up to a guy and be like, wow, you're so tall. And that's completely fine. But a guy can be like, huge tits. Women go, you're funny. Funny is a turn on. You have a great job. I guess a woman can't say you have a lot of money.

You know? Yeah, maybe money hanging out of your... Maybe money is the move. That's good, yeah. Yeah. Because, yeah, exactly. It's not the same. Like, a guy's dick peeking out. Women are like, what are you, homeless? It's not...

It's not the same. It's not a good thing. Right. But the money thing is funny. Maybe it's a money bet. It's definitely money. All right. Okay. We got a lady here who agrees. Now, how do you get money and tits to connect? Oh, just coming out of your shirt, maybe. Yeah.

Or out of your pockets. That's closer to your pockets. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or you have your bank statement or your checking account number. Yeah. Did you say homeowner?

Yeah. All right. Maybe we'll try to change with the money. Yeah. This is great for the listeners. Yeah, you guys love this, right? We'll tell them after the show. Yeah, Blair, do you have one? I have this bit where I feel like it goes so well until the end where I used to think that men who fell in love with strippers were the dumbest people in the world. Yeah. But then my trainer hit on me. Ah!

That's good. These men are my brothers. They have wild, open, generous, hopeful, romantic hearts. But then I try and get the end like...

I talk about how I, and this is a true story, like I heard him hit on like this really, they didn't know I could hear this really hot girl at the gym as I was walking out. And I already like knew this about him, but then I was like, and then I had to go straight to the strip club to be with my brothers. And like it hits, but I

feel like I need a harder part time. So he hit on you but he also hit on another girl. Everyone. Yeah. But like you convince yourself that they don't. Yeah. You know? And like it's true you're paying him. Yeah. So there's a money part too. Where I tried to go down that line and it didn't really work where I was like I was gonna get you out of here. I was gonna get you

gonna get you through school that's great that's great i feel like it didn't hit that's funny it's so funny you telling your friends like no he this guy likes yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like no no he's just he's doing that yeah it was devastating yeah and you were paying him and he hit on you no he hit on another lady nobody hit on her too oh he did it on you oh so he's just trying to he also listens to podcasts so he's probably gonna hear this that's all right that is perfect you're still seeing him after he hit on you

My friends, I have a part in the bit about this. How my friends are like, why would you keep going to someone who says those things? Why would you keep going to someone? Because you're in love. I'm not in love. He's ridiculous. Well, he's a hot guy. He is. Yeah? Yeah. Did you think about it? No. I have to keep going back. There are other trainers in LA. I know, but not that I can afford. Oh, he gives you a deal. Oh, he does love you.

That's the new bunch of fish in the sea. A lot of trainers in L.A. Yeah, but if you guys, if you joke machines come up with a tag. All right. Maybe also, I love the idea of the lap dance. He's stretching you. That's the same. Oh, yeah. No, I did have a line, too, where I was like, yeah, I thought it was weird. He kept telling me to work on my kegels.

And you heard him hit on someone else. I heard him hit on someone else. Damn. It was humiliating. What'd he say? I was like, this is how men feel, where they really believe the strippers are in love with them. Yeah, yeah, that's a perfect A to B. And I was like, I'm so dumb. What if there's, you know how a stripper will bring you to the champagne room, maybe he's like, I'll be your only client. You know, he's like, we'll work together alone somewhere, like come to your house or something. Some kind of parallel with getting him alone.

And you got to pay him a little more when he finishes the job. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the stripper parallels. Like, yeah, you can't touch. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. How about a parallel between names of strip clubs and names of gyms? Is there something fun? Hard bodies. Hard bodies. Yeah. And maybe you pay him by putting ones in his...

whatever pants he's wearing parachute pants Mark you had one at lunch hold on one second there's something else on here and we gotta finish yours I know sorry I had to go well there's something funny about like where do you you know you're supposed to like work out when you're down like where do you go to get over a fucking yeah exactly

Exactly. How do you glow up after that? What about this? Your bachelorette party, you bring everybody to the gym. All your girlfriends are all going to the gym to meet this trigger. That is good. There's something there for sure. That's funny. For yours, we were just saying, you know, like instead of the puppies, maybe money in the shirt. Yeah. Or in the pockets popping out because you were like, you're like ladies. That's the woman. Eyes up here. That's the woman. Eyes up here. All the puppies is more...

It's a good visual. It's hard to not look at puppies. Right. The feeling is more like how you're like, oh my God, look at that puppy. Like you want to grab it or bite it. That's true. Yeah, I have to touch it. I have to bite it. Yeah. It's like the tag. When I do the tag, I'm like, that's not the right tag. It's wrong. Pug. If you look at them, you can get fired. Are they friendly? Yeah, they smell like. Maybe a rescue could be fake tits.

You rescued your small boobs and fucking... Rescues fake tits. That's stupid. Purebred? Yeah. Purebred! Purebred.

It's kind of like what ends the whole story. This is the end and we're moving on. Do they have their shots? Maybe the end is the big difference is I can go to the pound and get a free puppy. Tits are quite expensive or something. The difference between them instead of just comparing them could be a way to button it up. The difference between non-discriminate was who I would let touch my puppies. Right, right. So not to take them to dinner first. Maybe something about them getting wet.

Oh, wet puppy contest. Maybe something with a puppy and tits. They're both a lot of work to get back to the house. Like you got a potty tray in the puppy. For tits, you got to buy dinner. I don't know. You got to buy food for both. All right. It's like if it could escalate to like...

Because the idea that like, and if you like stare at like a Muzubuji, like you get like in real trouble. Like there's some escalated thing about looking at these puppies. If there was something that was like funny. Yeah, they get older. You're like, that left one looks kind of rough. Yeah.

You got something here. It bothers me. It bothers me. Oh, what about the idea of service tits? Oh, service tits. Service animals. Now, what do you do with these boobs on the plane? They make me feel better. They calm me down. Yeah, I need these medically. Oh, yeah. Yes. You have to pay. I have a note from my doctor. Seeing eye tits. All right.

That doesn't even make sense, but... All right, I got one. Help me with this. This is a raw, wacky idea. It's all up in the air. So me and the wife moved into this new house, and we got this designer guy, like this flamboyant gay guy. He's an amazing designer, but they're butting heads left and right, and they keep arguing. And she's like, you said this, and how come you can't complete this? He's like, I never said that. And she's pulling up receipts and stuff. Like, you said it right here. And I'm like, oh, you're gay. You've never argued with a woman. Ah!

This is a whole new world for you. You're way out of your element. And he's like, his head is spinning. And she's like, you said this. And I never forgot that. And what about this six months ago? And he's like, where's all this coming from? And so I need some money. I love that all the shit she's tortured you with is coming in handy. I'm sitting back. Because she's using it on someone who's working on the house. Yes. Yes. Maybe there's another thing she does to you that could like, you know. Oh, yeah. Another way she could like, you know. Yeah.

What if she has puppies in her bra? Torturing you? What's another thing she does? She remembers everything. She has text to prove everything. That's this one. Investigative journalism. Yeah. Oh, the tone. I don't like your tone. I feel like you're slighting me. Yeah.

Maybe the guy starts going back at her and she goes, I don't like your tone. You turn to him like, you're not going to win this, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Just from experience. Right.

She starts withholding sex from him. That's it. I'm never fucking you again. You're like, wait, what was that? That's funny. I like that. That could be good. That's really good. I like that. All right. That's funny. Okay. That helps. Look at that. He must go home to his husband at the end of the day. Thank God you're a dude. All right. What do you got there? I got a couple that are done. The one that's like, I don't really know where to go with. It's like a story about Gary and me on the road and we were on a tiny plane and

And this woman just took my seat and I you know Gary and I were sitting together and I was like oh I that's my seat and she goes no I'm sitting here. Mmm, and I was like, oh no, I have it like right here. I have the the ticket right here and she goes this is my seat Oh 40 minute flight fuck it. I'll just sit in front So the plane starts like it's the worst flight I've ever been on it's a tiny plane. It starts going down It was terrifying. I was like fuck Gary and I look at each other like holy shit, and she just starts going ah

Screaming. And without hesitation, Gary and I just turned at her and started pointing and laughing at her. And it was like this thing where I was like, oh my God, we were so happy she was miserable. We forgot it was going to kill us. That's great. And then I want to do something about like how...

like the idea of like if we did die like you know getting a heaven like they they screen your like last oh yeah they like they screen your last like hour he's like he's like let me see so how did you spend your last time and she's like you know something like oh i he's like you took this guy's seat ah fucking bitch you have to go to hell and she and she just screams or something like that yeah then something about like screening my last hour and they're like you just mocked

You just mocked a woman. A woman in terror? Yeah, you mocked a woman. Like, you were good until you gave her the seat. Right. And then you just mocked. I don't really know where to go with this is my point. That's where. I think the heaven is a good angle because it gives it somewhere to go. Yeah. Like, now we have that to play with. Heaven is good. She's not going to get in because you took your seat. I have a joke I thought I could maybe do. This might be too disgusting. I have a joke about coming to my sink.

I know that one. You've heard that one. Yeah. And I thought maybe a guy could be like running the footage and he's like, yeah, here you are giving a seat to a woman. That's very nice. And there you are in the cabin back. Oh, that's a good callback. I mean, in a sink. And I'm just like, yeah. But like that could, I could use, but I don't want that to be the whole bit, but that might work. Yeah. You were going to be in the pre-check line and then you got moved. I got moved. Oh, yeah. Like, ooh, we got to, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this is, see, this is. She takes your seat in heaven or something. Something where she gets your, move that to heaven. Yes, yes, yes. This is a tough one. This is why I'm bringing this one up. Yeah, yeah, that is tough. You hope the plane crash, she would die and you'd be like, oh, thank God. She took my seat. It could be funny if he sends us all to hell and it's a scary ass flight and she starts screaming again. Oh, yeah. That's her hell. But that's not, yeah, that's not enough.

I don't know. Maybe there's something with a baby on a flight screaming and something with her screaming. Some kind of parallel there. I don't know. I'll crack this at the clubs. That's a tough one. Yeah, I don't know where to go. Yeah, I feel a little stuck with it. Yeah. Flight. Let's wrap up. Wait, can I just give one more? Please. We can cut this. No, but I do think where the audience is horrified. We're not cutting it. We're keeping it all in, you piece of shit.

I have really tiny legs. And I've talked about it on stage. And one way I would do it would be like I could do a really realistic TED Talk about a guy who was in a motorcycle crash 20 years ago. And he's like, well, when I saw the sand in the road... And then one time I tried saying...

Like I lost my legs but there was like a 12-year-old Korean girl, the donor was like a match or whatever. But it's like a TED Talk. Like what am I – is there a way to do this bit where I'm doing a TED Talk? Those are tiny. I know. Holocaust legs. It gets a laugh. Woody in Toy Story. I've said that. Woody in Toy Story. But I've tried a few different ways and it's like sometimes – Wait, what are you trying to say? What?

Well, it's really just like the joke is going to be within like the TED Talk, I think. Uh-huh. Like the story would be like kind of –

funny but all right i lied let's cut this yeah exactly i don't know i i'm confused so i don't know what you're saying there's no like smart bit here it's just i have tiny legs and when i do this it's very funny because it's visually i'm i'm like i don't work yes a handicap so it's like it's a visual well what's the ted talk

That's just like I could do a very realistic one that I don't – like I was in a wheelchair for 20 minutes. Oh. They've atrophied. I see. I see. It could be funny being like my legs are so – it sucks that like I walk and things work and they have basically the same look as FDR. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even hawking. I do heavy squats. Like it's unbelievable. Come on. Really? They just get tighter. They just get tighter. And it's also – you know the rip of like when you first start working out how much it hurts?

every week saying just agony. Ironically, this joke doesn't have legs. All right. Okay. I'll put a better one next week. Let's plug you guys. You guys want to see some more of that? Yeah. No, there'll be no leg joke there if you're in Brooklyn.

I'm also going to be in, if people go to my website and put in your zip code, I have to figure out where I want to go. And if people let me know where they are. Oh, that's a good idea. Cause the emails, that's the way to go now with emails. Yeah, exactly. Are you on punch up?

Yeah, I think I am actually. Nice. I just joined that. Oh, good. Good move. Both very funny. Bell House, Mothership, and something else I saw. Joe's Pub with the piano. With the band. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. We have Vulcan Gas in Austin, November 7th.

And watch my special on YouTube, please. Yes. Check out the special. Uh-oh, we lost it. Uh-oh. Where'd you go, Sally? Live from the big dog, baby. Austin Tejas. Go to the Vulcan Gas Co. Oh, I like that place. Yeah. Great. Look at that hair. Thank you. Like a pinup. Uh-huh.

All right. What do you got there, Samuel L. Jackson? I got Hilarity's November 21st through 23rd, but then we're starting the bus tour in February, so literally going everywhere. So we got Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, New York,

Like 45 cities. So just go to the website. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. That was the boost I needed right there. I'm literally coming everywhere. So just that's Sigur's tour name. I wish that was my fucking tour. I know. He nailed it. Mine is the errors tour. But I'm coming everywhere is the best fucking tour name. Very good. Hey, Cleveland Hilarity.

Best club. Great club. One of my faves. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater, Poughkeepsie, Connecticut, North Carolina, see Asheville. Oh, is Asheville, do they have people anymore? No, they don't. The gig will be canceled. All right. Donates. We should do something for them. Yeah.

All right, we'll figure something out. We'll send him a bottle of bodega. Houston, Phoenix, and Dallas. Thank you. Get some bodega cat, folks. Follow us on punchup.live slash just our names and see you all on the road. And really, Punch Up is doing something cool right now. Yes. These ticket companies are really fucking you guys and us. Oh, yeah. These crazy fees for you guys. We're obviously not seeing that.

And, you know, we don't want you to pay that. So that's why we're trying to build email lists, make this a little easier. But punchup.live, slash our names, and drink bodega cat. We're fucking everywhere right now. Florida, Texas, New York, New Jersey, Kentucky, Rhode Island. Georgia, California. Yes. All over. We just got in like 15 new comedy clubs. So look around.

We love you all for doing that. And bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want to order a bottle, but also just the Instagram of Bodega Cat Whiskey. You could DM and our guy Matt handles that and he'll...

If you want us in your liquor store, your restaurant or bar, we'll make it happen. Yes. We'll connect you. See both these people on tour. Watch their stuff. Watch Blair's new special. Watch Kyle's. All these new characters you're doing. Oh, killer. Thank you, guys. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Fun app. It was so fun. Thank you. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

True.