Ep 2: Soco Tea & Macallan 15
01:05:43 Share

And recording now. How you doing, man? Hey, good. A little hungover out here in Nashville. We did it up last night, but I'm good.

me chris porter theo was hanging out porter's doing the early shows oh nice he brought a bottle of tequila it was a whole thing oh my god yeah well i guess i'm sorry to bring you back into this but oh no i'm back in i'm doing a soco and tea ew oh it's pretty good really

Yeah, I had to go to, I went down to the bar in the hotel and grabbed it for the show. I'm doing a McKellen 15 here. I'm going nice. Ooh, that's a nice scotch. That's a nice scotch in honor. I mean, we say why we're drinking on this show. So this is an honor. I miss the comedy cellar. I think of it every day. It's in honor of Alan Havey, who always drinks McKellen at the cellar. Yeah. And if you don't know Alan Havey,

As the stand-up, you might know him as Lou Avery on Mad Men, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. He fires Don Draper. I mean, what a fucking hilarious role. Great actor, underrated actor, good comic, too. So funny. He's got some lettermans that are killer. Dude, I always think of that joke of his where he goes, I got a good wife, not a perfect wife. Perfect wife, spy for the CIA. Yes. Honey, how was your day? I can't talk about it. Perfect. Perfect.

Ah, great joke. I don't know if you can do that joke now. I don't know. Maybe you can. I mean, he's an older guy, so he gets away with it. I think if you're an older dude, you can kind of... It's like the young guy doing it. If it was like an 18-year-old comic, you'd be like, what the fuck is this guy's problem? Right, right. No, no, he's a killer. Just like an old school dude, like...

Again, I don't know if I should say this, but like all the waitresses loved him because he had that like that DILF kind of dad thing going. And yeah, just a cool guy from Miami. Regular dude. Just, you know, likes to drink. He also has Missouri ties, I believe, because I know he's a diehard Cardinals fan. So, OK. Yeah. But yeah. So do you have a story behind the SoCo and T or just fucking Nashville and the.

Well, you know, it's the South and we're big tea people in the South. And I said, what goes with a tea? And they had like an iced tea flavored liquor. And I was like, I don't want that flavored shit. Just give me a tea with some SoCo in it. You don't do the flavors? Not bad.

It's pretty good. Yeah, I don't mind if it's like infused. I'll do like, I love like a jalapeno infused tequila or something. Yeah. I'll do that, but. That works. But this honey, like that Jack Daniels honey, I'm like, ugh. It's like syrupy, sweetie, ugh.

I met one of my favorite basketball players ever in Milwaukee years ago, Latrell Sprewell. Oh, yeah. You might know me choked as coach in Golden State and he got thrown off the team. It was like an incredible story. But I was, you know, I'm there in a Knicks sweatshirt. And the host of the show is like, Latrell Sprewell drinks. He drinks across the street every night. And I was like, no, he doesn't. She goes every night. He's like Kenny Powers in Milwaukee now. Wow. So we go to the bar. He shows up.

And I was like, what does he drink? She goes, he drinks Honey Jack. No. So he walks in. I just it was like the most painful interaction I ever had where I just said he finally comes in. I'm like, oh, I'm the biggest fan. I'm wearing a fucking Knicks sweatshirt. Yeah. Like, clearly, I'm a fan. And he goes, OK. And I said, can I get you a drink? He holds up his Honey Jack. He goes, I already got one. And I said, I'm a comedian. I'm playing across the street.

later tonight or tomorrow night and he goes yeah okay and I was like well if you want an extra ticket he goes yeah don't count on it that was my interaction with him wow brutal and then two nights later whatever I saw other people go up to him and it went way worse I got off easy yeah two nights later the last night there the bartender from that bar that he goes to every night was like I heard you had a rough interaction with Sprewell he's a good guy he's a surly drunk sometimes and

So she's texting him and she goes, I'm at the guy's show, the comedian who you met the other night. And he goes, he just writes back. Yeah. Great guy. Hey, all right. That was, but like, all he did was fucking insult me. Like it was, but you, you left him alone. And I think that's what counts. Yeah. He took note of that. Years later, he came on my MSG show and I did not bring it up. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you think? Is he just a sad guy? Like, did his daughter die? Like, what do you think got him so? Well, I mean, all right, here's one thing. He's underappreciated. He was a great player, but he turned down a three-year $21 million deal at the end of his career, and he never got another deal again. Wow.

And it was like a famous viral clip where he said, I got kids to feed. So every news station picked it up. He goes, yeah. The thing was like, what are you feeding them? Hummers? Like, what do you, what are you feeding them? So I think he caught a lot of shit for that, but I mean, I loved him. I thought he was the man. He was just like, he fucking choked his coach and then came to the Knicks and like, was awesome for us. I mean, when does that ever happen? When does that ever work out? Right.

Right, right. Fun story on that same wavelength. And I'm not going to say who it is because I don't know if they want this out there. But I was opening for a huge comic and we were at a restaurant before the show and John Turturro was eating alone at this restaurant. It was like a steakhouse. He's eating alone at like 5 p.m. And the headliner was like, I'm going to go tell John Turturro about our show. And I was like, all right, good luck.

He walked over. He goes, I'm a huge fan, Mr. Turturro. Love all your work. And he goes, uh-huh. He goes, just saying I'm doing the arena tonight. If you want to come by, it's on me. And he goes, no, thank you. And that was it.

He wasn't mean. He was just like, no, thank you. But it was super that that walk back was so defeating. It was it was like when you hit a gutter ball and bowling and you have to turn around and go back to your friends, you know, that's what it looked like. You'd almost rather they're just an asshole outright because no, thank you was just such a polite rejection. You'd almost rather they're a dick. That's such a reasonable rejection.

I know. I know. It was ugly. And yeah, he was polite, so you couldn't hate him. You're right. You just had to go, all right, I guess he didn't want to come. I remember seeing, he did a movie called, I think it was called like American Gigolo or something. I saw it with List. And it was one of those movies where like every 10 minutes we had to turn to each other and be like, is this the worst movie you've ever seen? It was like Woody Allen was his friend in the movie. And it was like,

You could tell Woody Allen did it as a favor. Like you've done a lot of my shit, you know? Right. Holy. I mean, I love John Turturro, but like, then you see some of these guys, like when they're like, all right, I'm writing my own thing. And you're like, didn't work out. That's right. But he's a fucking legend. I mean, I love his, I love his acting. He's I mean, great actor. Fuck. What's that movie? He did the Redford movie.

You know what I'm talking about? Quiz Show. Quiz Show. Amazing. One of my favorite movies ever. Incredible. So good in that. He's great in obviously Big Lebowski. I think Uncut Gems is kind of like channeling some Totoro. Whoa, yeah. Good call. Yeah. The hair, the face, everything. You know what I know? What you're really saying is a trashy Jew is basically an Italian. That's what you're saying. I'm not going to argue with that.

but uh gems was fucking cool i loved it i mean a lot of people hate it i i thought it was they're like it's too tense i'm like yeah that's the point they that's that's movie making that's what they were trying to go for it's a panic attack it really is it's it drove me insane i i was like going crazy but i mean that's what being a degenerate gambler supposed to feel like i think that's what they're going for right yeah and they they nailed it and the ending was a twist

And he was like a weird guy, but you rooted for him. He was like ugly and kind of a shark, but you loved him. Yeah, because you're just in it so deep. You're just like, fuck. It's like being around a degenerate gambler where you're furious at them, but then you're like, I want you to win. Right, right. Yeah. We saw Django in the theater. Oh, we did. Yeah, that was fun. In Union Square. That feels like such a, I guess with COVID, seeing a movie in the theater feels so old-fashioned now.

Yeah, dude. You know, I just rewatched Kill Bill the other night. It's so good. Oh, it's great. It's just such a good movie where you're like, it's funny with Tarantino. You're just like, oh, I'm in someone great's hands every step of the way. Yes. Yes.

That's what you want. Every shot, every music choice, every shot, every line. You're like, fuck. I hate when people critique Tarantino for like the new one he did with Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. It's too long. And I'm like, what else were you going to do with that time? Right. And it's so great. I didn't want it to end. I loved it.

I loved it. I love Brad Pitt's character. I love DiCaprio was so funny when he's drinking too much and he's like in the trailer throwing the shit against the wall going, you got to get it together. I

We've all been there so many times. Oh, I love the flamethrower, all that shit. The dog and the smashing like woman's face on the on the mantle. I mean, come on. It's gold. Oh, it's crazy. Yeah. Tarantino is so good where he's like, this is like just straight up violence against women. And he's getting you in the theater cheering for it. There's such fucking hateable characters. Right. Right. I mean, they're murderers. So you're kind of like, yeah, this is OK to cheer for.

Totally. Are you watching? We do a recommendation on this. By the way, before we get into the recommendation, can I try something? Tell me if this works. I want to see if... Because we have a theme song from the great Colin Smith. I'd love to see if this works on the pod. Bring it on, baby. ... ... ... ... ...

Yes.

That's a hot theme for this. Great theme. We got to play that in the beginning for every show, I think. Yeah. Maybe we get some animation or some pictures of us or something fun. Yeah. We get someone to do. Yeah. We could, we could, if you're watching this and you think something hit us up, we're not good at that, but what, like what, what do you, any good watches or reads or anything you've been doing? That's good lately. Yeah. I'm going to throw you for a loop here and change it up. I'm going to recommend a podcast. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know if you're into it, but I liked all his books and I got into the revisionist history, Malcolm Gladwell. Oh, shit. Great pod. Really, he takes these weird stories and weird facts and just delves deep into them and they're fucking fascinating.

I'm gonna listen to it it's great first you're not the first to turn me on and you know honestly I've never read any of his books embarrassing yeah I never I never jumped in but I know he's so well respected I gotta I gotta get in on it I mean he's a he's just a big nerd he just goes deep into like you know like a 30 30 except it'll 30 for 30 but it'll be about like a Korean pilot that that you know was a horrible pilot but he killed a bunch of people it's just he

He finds these crazy things and he did one on Elvis. I think it's the best one. Elvis had some kind of hair trigger in his brain when he heard a certain song. He would either break out crying, hysterically laugh. And they have all this footage of him just like in the, in the studio. And they're on their 118th take of this one song. And he can't say it without going into some episode. Wow. So just, he could not react to music. Could not react, but it was a different reaction every time.

It's fucking, it's wild. And they cover the whole thing and psychologically why he did that than other people who have their thing. And it's really cool. What other type of things do people have? Well, a lot of it is like, uh, seizuring. Like some people will seizure when they hear a certain thing or see a certain thing, but his was purely emotional. That's so much better than a seizure. You're just like, oh, that's so fucking unfair. Some people have a fucking seizure and Elvis is just like, I really feel it.

Yeah, but I mean, he's on stage in Vegas. They have audio footage of this where he's just like singing some song like, and I'll tell you. And you're like, whoa, he's in front of like, you know, 10,000 people just weeping. It's wild. And it wasn't drug related. It was just...

He just something clicked, you know, it's like, you know, if a kid's molested, then he sees a movie where a guy gets molested. He starts, you know, jizzing or whatever it is. It was like that. It was just some, some twists, some malfunction. Man, Elvis really gets in some ways, no respect. Like you ever at a, at a burger spot and they're like, we have the Elvis burger and it's like peanut butter and bananas and bananas. You're like, it's just cause he was fat. That's what it was.

He did die on the can Which is not a great legacy True But a lot of people die in the can Right I feel like a lot of people Do they Shit I'm trying to I was just reading about someone Who died in the can I'm assuming Ralphie May

All right. All right, folks. Don't write in. I was just watching season three of The Sopranos where one of the captains dies. That's when Tony has to make Ralph. Fictional character, but it was a toilet death. Oh, that's right. That's right. Good call. Boy, he was so hateable. Oh, but he's so good, though. Joe Pagliano rules. Yeah.

Amazing. I mean, Ronan Hirshberg, our pal, can do like a, he's got the most Sopranos knowledge, and he always points out that it's the most character-developed show of all time. So much so you know their movie characters.

favorite like you know their movie choices oh dude i love what tony watching like uh what's it called the edward g robinson movie yes the top of the world white heat white heat i love that because it's like oh tony's got mom issues and right it's all fucking connected connected it's amazing you know their preferences you know what food they like it's that show is

List hates it, but it's next level. I love Joe, but he's so wrong on that one. He's never been more wrong. I remember once seeing, speaking of White Heat and Edward G. Robinson, I miss movie theater so much. I remember going down to the film forum in Tribeca and it's, dude, it's like

White Heat and Little Caesar back to back. Wow. I saw both those Edward G. Robinson movies in the theater. This was like a couple years ago. I fucking watched it. Wow. Yeah, so great. Is it just you and two other weirdos in there? Yeah. Just you and Fred Willard? Yeah.

And Paul Rubens R.I.P. Fuck, this has been a bad year We lost Fred Willard and Jerry Stiller in the same week I forgot about that Jesus, that's so brutal Fuck this year I'm going to hit you with an interesting wreck You might have already seen it But I just watched it The Bee Gees doc Oh, I loved it It was so good Phil Hanley hit me up and I watched it like that instant Same

I love shit like, I watch the Eagles. Like, I'm not even a huge Eagles guy, but I just like the idea of somebody starting from nothing and then becoming this giant arena cultural phenomenon. Yeah, and they're kind of getting, like, no respect, the Bee Gees. I mean, I know they were rich as hell and they defined a moment, but they kind of, in, like,

I don't know. I feel like it's always like, it's like the Beatles, the Stones, the fucking Clapton, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's that no one ever mentioned the Bee Gees to me as one of the greatest bands ever. I agree. And they reinvented. Well, first of all,

What's his name? What's the long-haired one? Barry is the hot one. Yeah. Barry was hot, and then the youngest one was really handsome. And then the two in the middle, I'm like, who the fuck? Hideous. Did your mom cheat with a fucking alien from American Dad? What the fuck happened? Yeah, that guy is so ugly. Plus, they're British, so the teeth are fucked up. It's a bad combo, plus the long hair. The whole thing is horrible, but they started as this, like...

ballad, kind of moody, emotional guy. And then they just got into disco and killed it. I mean, they were huge and then dipped and then just came back as the biggest thing. Yeah, it's crazy. It's also hilarious that the, you know, they're talking about how they're like disco. It's like for black people and for gays was this huge movement. And then it's like, where is the major riot against disco? Boston.

Yeah, of course. Of course. At a Red Sox game, they're like, fuck disco. It's like, that's not even the same. It's just baseball. Right. It's the same thing. I know. And they made a giant flag that said disco sucks. Like, you had to set, worry about your team. You're worried about the fucking, ah, it's crazy. But that's the anger. When you don't win for a while, you just start to get mad at other shit. Right. Like, the Red Sox at that point probably had once, like, 19, like, oh, yeah.

something i don't know whatever 1919 whatever it was yeah probably just like fuck everything that was when they that was just like drunken anger you know right when your team's not winning you just start to hate like minorities and other groups yes yeah i always say whenever people start turning on the jews you're like oh you're slipping into some sort of insanity you know like well the jews did the they they killed uh you know columbus you're like whoa

Dude, you're out to lunch at this point. I'll give you Jesus, but I will not give you Columbus. That's the tough thing about being a Knicks fan. It's Manhattan. You can't turn on the Jews. You just have to hate yourself, which ironically, kind of Jew-y. Ah, self-loathing. Self-loathing. But what is that with Boston? It always goes this way. Like,

America's dad, pull your pants up, sweaters, jello pop, rapist. You know, you can't, everybody has to even out. And then Boston is like blue state or blue city, whatever. And then they have all these colleges. Gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts before everywhere else. And yet homophobic racist. Everything evens out. You're totally right. It's like, it's like John Kerry, Whitey Bulger. Yes.

Exactly. It's like Harvard Southie. They have to even out, right? Complete extremes. Exactly. It's interesting. Boston...

some of like the greatest intellectuals and then some of the most ugly racism ever yeah crazy they they had a like gay pride parade and they said like the just the guys on the side like fuck you i'll kill you you homo and all this shit it's wild like didn't they try to do a straight pride parade in boston yeah i think that's what it was yeah i i went to that it was actually fun it was it looked good it

I mean, the straight parade is a Super Bowl monster truck. We got straight parades. I guess, well, yeah, Super Bowl, Boston. You fucking got that. That's your parade. You had six of them. You have fucking Brady for 20 years. Shut up. And the Sox. The Sox had a good run. And the Celtics.

Most basketball franchise ever. They've got it all. Bruins. Bruins. Yeah. Every Boston being a Boston sports fan, you've been spoiled. Rotten. Right. Right. That's true. Yeah. You're right. Harvard Southie. That's a great call. And they got, I mean, dude, cheers just shut down the, the bar. They had a real bar cheers. It's over. Yeah.

Pandemic, everything's fucking shutting down, man. I see a lot of comedy clubs suffering right now, but you know. Oh yeah.

Yeah, we lost the Big Hunt in D.C. and we lost D.C. Draft House. Two in D.C. Both great, great. I had so many great nights in the Big Hunt, man. Oh, yeah. That was a special place. It was like so dank and underground and gritty. I like a comedy club that smells like piss. Yes. There's something about it where you're like, I don't love it in the moment, but then you think back and it like triggers a memory and you're like, that's fucking nice. Yeah, yeah. Seinfeld say the sweaty gym.

That feeling you go to an old boxing gym and it smells like BO and spit and shit like that. It was definitely one of those rooms.

Yeah, it was a workout room. Like we worked out fucking hours in that room. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't believe they shut down the D. I didn't know the D.C. draft was closed, too. I know. I like that room. It was just like a box in the middle of the city and with, you know, blankets on the windows. And that was a I had some hot sets in there. Incredible club. Like, yeah, that was like a kill room for sure. Yeah. I saw that the Peoria jukebox is struggling to the doing to go fund me.

Jesus. Peoria, Homer Richard Pryor. And Kennison. And Kennison. Didn't know that. How crazy. Like two of the biggest are from the same town. No shit. And, you know, it's not like it's New York City or Chicago or something. It's fucking Peoria. Peoria. Yeah, it's tough. It's a rough. I mean, they're... It took a lot for them to put up a Richard Pryor statue. Like, you think...

You'd think they'd be like Richard Pryor from here, but instead they're like, yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah. That was what was so funny about the Bill Burr rant because he's going off on Philly. He's like, you fucking racist. You have a statue of Rocky and Joe Frazier is from here.

I mean, that's such, I love that that came out during the rant because that means he was thinking about that at some point and he was like, fuck it, I'm saying it. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking brilliant. Yeah. You have one of the greatest actual boxers and you're celebrating. I mean, look, I'm not going to act like I don't love Rocky. Sure. But let's celebrate real people too. Yeah. I mean, Milwaukee's got a Fonzie statue. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

You ever see the Lucille Ball statue in Upstate? Yes. It was so bad they had to redo it. It was like, it looked like a fucking monster. It looked like she was like, she looked like an alien. You're like, oh, what the fuck? Wow.

That's great. She was a fucking comic genius. Unbelievable. And, you know, she married a Hispanic guy, which was like crazy for that time. The whole thing's Lucille Ball. I heard her autobiography is amazing. It's great. It's called Last Luck and Lucy. It's by, I forgot his first name, something Oppenheimer. It's an incredible book. Oh, really? Yeah. The way he, uh,

The way he describes being like, you need almost like a star whisperer. She was so famous that he was kind of like, she would drive him nuts. She was such a diva. And I remember he described at one point where he was like, I was like, fuck this shit. I'm done. It's crazy that you can have what you think is like the hottest ticket in town, which it was. It's like one of the most successful shows ever. Sure. It was like, fuck this. I'm out. And she was like, please don't leave. If you leave. And she started crying and you're like, Oh, like that's how good he was. She knew that she couldn't lose him.

Wow. Yeah, he seemed like a good guy, too. But then, yeah, the shit she did to fight for, I mean, Desilu Productions. She made sure he was involved in it as well. Yeah. It's no big deal to have a Cuban on TV. I think it was Cuban, right? Cuban. Ricardo. Yeah, man. I mean, that was...

That show is so funny. It's also hilarious that Vivian Vance was like this really attractive younger woman. And that was like tip 50s TV. She's like, you'll be married to this fat 70 year old man. Oh, is that Ethel? Is that the neighbors? Yeah. She's like a legit, like she can sing. She can do everything. She's very pretty. And then they're like, I think she was pissed to be like paired with like an old,

Fat dude. Lucille Ball. I mean, you catch her in the right photos. Beautiful lady. She's hot, dude. She was hot. Hot lady. Absolutely. I'm a fan, but I used to watch that show. It used to come on on Saturday mornings, you know, back when like TV was TV and I would just leave it on. I watched all that shit. Lucy, Odd Couple, Mr. Ed. It was horrible TV, but I just watched it because it was on.

I never saw Mystery. Oh, horrible show. Horrible. I mean, look, the horse's lips are moving and that was the whole premise.

oh that's it odd couple i've like a little bit i mean i remember like i remember just reading the play i just wanted to know what it was i remember just reading the play and being like it's fucking good it holds yeah like it's just good writing but uh neil simon yeah fucking beast it's crazy that that show is just like every show it's just like i know it's crazy like one guy does this and the other one goes in you're like oh this is every show every show but somebody had to think of it

I guess it's like God and the devil I mean that was probably the original Odd Couple

You know, I mean, you got to start somewhere. That's actually a funny show, God and the Devil. That would be funny. Like a family guys type show with God and the Devil in like a studio. The Devil is just really messy. And the guy's like, he's doing that drawing the line. He's like, you keep your shit over here. Hitler's on that side of the room. Yeah. And Devil's having orgies and shit with, you know, all these, you know, gay guys and women. And God's like, oh, I'm trying to read. Yeah.

Oh, that's not bad. That's actually decent. We might just come up with a good animated idea or something. Yeah, God and the Devil. Not bad. You read any good newspaper articles? Any good... Oh, yeah. Well, I had to just do one. This is a little older now, but I had to do one zinger I thought of for Ellen Got COVID.

As we all saw. Yeah. And she's having a tough year, by the way. Yeah. And my zinger was, wow, she got COVID. She's just getting over her staph infection.

I like it. That's a great monologue joke. It feels like a monologue joke, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's perfect. I mean, dude, it's so funny that she's involved in, like, the QAnon stuff, too. Is she? Well, yeah. I mean, it's like, she's one of the people, like, part of the pedophile conspiracy ring. It's like, her name was one of the first that comes up. So you're right, she can't catch a break. Right.

I've heard she's not a great person, but also still hilarious to me. I mean, I'm in the minority here, but like, I get it. You know, like she's busy. She's got eight zillion things going on. So I think, you know, she's going to be a cunt. And if you don't want to work there, I don't think you should work there. I don't know. It's a tough one. I've heard some stories that are bad. Oh, really? Okay. Okay. I've heard she's not, she would just not have your back if you weren't there. Oh.

All right, all right. Well, I didn't know that. I've heard some writers strike shit as well, that she was not good to them. So that's my thing, man. Like, if you have your own show, you better be good to writers. Like, they're making you look good. Right, yeah, that's true. Without them, you're just doing your dumb little fucking dance all the time, you know? Yes. By the way, another balancing out. We talk about Cosby. She's dancing, happy-go-lucky, cute lesbian, and then, you know, Isis behind the scenes.

- Is that funny though too? It's like, you are kind of what the world is in the moment. Like in the nineties, she was so brave because it's like, look, you're the first, this is like a lesbian who has a sitcom, like you're groundbreaking, you're brave. Then like,

Time goes on and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. You can't be on top for long enough without people eventually turning on you anyway. You really can't. Yeah, that's why just a nice gooey D level is the way to go. D level celeb. That's what you want to be. We're fucking we're killing that game, right? Yeah, we're about F. We're getting there. We're a fucking nice F right now, but we're like we're F on the rise. Yes, we're hot.

F-incline, I think. Right, right. What did you think of the Tom Cruise rant? You know, I barely looked at it, but, I mean, what, he was pissed about people not wearing masks? Is that what it was? Yeah, yeah, COVID protocol. I mean, like, shit. He's putting, I mean, like,

Here's what I'll say about Tom Cruise. He's not a pussy. He's almost got a death wish. It's weird to be that rich and famous, and you're like, I'm jumping off the building. We have a guy whose whole job that is, and he's like, fuck that guy. So if he's taking COVID seriously, it's not just about him, I think. I think with him, he's... I'm with it. I'm down with Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise doing that shit. I think it's all right. Yeah, yeah. It's not Christian Bale where he's just losing his mind because he's losing his mind. I think Tom Cruise, like, you could say a lot of shit about him, but, like, he's fucking, he's got a death wish and he's looking out for people with COVID. Just follow the protocol if you're on a job, you know? Totally. Also, that sounds like a MI movie, COVID protocol. Yeah.

but also a really boring mi movie first of all i think that rant was so well done like not a flub it was almost like he nailed it in one take and it sounded so tom cruisey you do it again you're gone and uh it was it's gonna be better than the movie that rant was better than the movie let's be honest

It's so true. And he also, you're right, he nails his shit. I mean, I'm thinking now of Leonardo DiCaprio in that Tarantino movie. He's looking in the mirror and he's like, you're going to fucking get them. You're going to fucking do this. And he's just camping himself up. And then he goes on set and loses his shit. You're right. He really is good. He's good. He's a talent. I mean, it also gives you a whole real aspect or real look into short men. Short men, there's no one more motivated.

I mean, look at Kevin Hart, Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is like 5'6", or something. Napoleon? Napoleon Complex. Yeah. Well, apparently it was like 5'8", which was not that short for the time, but whatever. We're on a roll. Complex Protocol, Napoleon. That's the new one. Yeah. Tom Cruise. Yeah, man. It's weird. Tom Cruise had, like, he fell out for a while, but it's like, I never stopped liking this shit. I mean... No. He's great. I liked...

I think I've liked him my whole life. It's fucking weird to just look at a celebrity and be like, yeah, I think I just like that guy. He's just like, you know, what it was like his comeback. Cause like Scientology made him look weird for a while. He had the whole thing, but then like the Oprah couch. That was weird. Yeah. But no, I mean, it's like risky business and a four on the 4th of July rain, man, like killing in the eighties top gun. Yeah.

And then, yeah, what brought him back? The firm was really good. Maybe Jerry Maguire popped him back up. No, it was before all that. Oh, okay. Jerry Maguire is like an example of a role that it's like, only he could have pulled that shit off. That's a bad movie without him. Yes, it really is. Same with Cuba Gooding. Like, you get two different actors in those roles.

That's a cheesy fucking movie. Yeah, it's Cameron Crowe. It's a love story with the little kid and the, what's her name? Renee Zellweger. Like who's coming with me? Who's coming with me and you complete me in the same. Yes.

And show me the money. Can you imagine writing you complete me in a little word doc? You're like, you complete me. And he's like, that fucking nailed it. That's so true. Yeah. Oh, God. By the way, that kid was adorable. Whatever happened to him? He should have been a household name by now. I think he's like Jack now. I think that happens. I think you either die of a cocaine overdose or you're just a gym rat. Right, right. I think he got ugly. And I think it hurt him. Because he was so cute with the glasses and the hair. And he didn't grow up cute.

child stars really get fucked because when you're a child star a lot of time you're cute because you're like chubby and have like a round face and exactly a dork and then like you hit puberty like you always see it even on like two and a half men where that kid yes adorable and then you're like uh we gotta skip the puberty years and then you make it through you're like all right he's okay again but yeah there's a couple years where like geez and look we all went through it we weren't sure

You know? Right, right. I mean, puberty is basically like mutation. So you're witnessing a guy like mutate into a man in front of our eyes and the transitional period is gross. The end and the beginning is fine, but that middle, it's fucking terrifying. Someone's going to just click that one part where you say the transitional period is gross. They're mutants.

But no, it's true. Yeah, you got to stay hot. Haley Joel Osment kind of went ugly. Very round head. Yes. That was a very round head. Still a great actor. Yeah, yeah. Dude, he had Forrest Gump and then Sixth Sense. You're like, holy shit. What a run. What an agent. You had a good child agent. Mm.

I always want to do a bit about like, you know, they talk about like crisis actors, you know, like those like conspiracy theorists will be like, those school shootings didn't happen. Those were crisis actors. It's the dumbest conspiracy theory. Of course. Where you're like, they were actors, but I always want to do a bit. It never would work about like, that means maybe they're like crisis actor agents where

where you're like, nah, this kid, he's good. He's really, he did a Sandy hook. He did, we're gonna try to get him at like the next gay nightclub shooting. He's got the goods. You gotta look at his reel, you know?

Shocker that bit never hit. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder how much... Is that such a well-known conspiracy? I wonder if that's the problem. Maybe not. Maybe it's... Sometimes I'm like, is this shit just on Twitter? Or like some of the dumbest websites that we read? Yeah, probably. Like, I don't know anything about QAnon, but apparently people are obsessed with that shit, so... I'll tell you my favorite thing about QAnon is that if you watch the news...

The they show them so little respect. Like I was just watching like anytime you see them interviewed on the news, the the interviewer will be like, all right, well, just so you know, you are on air right now. That's how they're just like basically telling them they're dumb. Yeah. Like in a professional way. They're like, all right. And remember, your face will be on TV. Go ahead. Yes. It's so disrespectful and so hilarious.

Yeah. I'll tell you, let me tell you my newspaper. I didn't, I didn't post this one cause I figured it wasn't worth it, but I could say, I feel like on Twitter, a lot of the time for me, it's not, I don't find it worth it because people just assume the worst. And I feel like on Twitter, sometimes it's like a comedy club where like, you got some people that are following you for jokes, but then it gets shared to other people who don't want jokes and take everything you say seriously. Completely. And then I'm like, yeah, I don't, I don't want that. I want the jokes to be to the people that, yeah.

you know. Yeah, yeah, it's a nightmare. My story was, this was it. Jocelyn Cano, the Instagram and OnlyFans model, confirmed dead from botched butt lift surgery. Ooh. And I was gonna write, ah, what an ass. Classic. Not worth it. I like it. It's tough when the person just dies and our mind goes to joke, because I'm like, I'm mad at myself for like, I'm like, this is someone's life, they're dead. In my mind, I'm like,

Same. But hey, you know what I never got? You know, when everybody gets offended and all that, and people are allowed to be offended, people are allowed to be upset, that's totally their right. But when they go, hey, you're making light of this horrible thing, you're like, you're

He realizes how that sound. Yes, I'm making light of something. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Like, you're basically complimenting me. Hey, you're making light of this horrible school shooting. I'm like, yes, I'm trying to get through it. I mean, that's all we do. And when you go- We still take it seriously as humans, but as comedians, that's our job. I mean, it's totally true. Stanhope had a great bit about that where he just said, you're making fun. He goes, yeah. Yeah.

And you're like, fuck, making fun is such a funny, that's such a great word to just, yeah. Great point. You made that bang. Yeah. I feel the same way. Like I'm not, that doesn't mean I don't, I'm not like, oh, that's fucking horrible. But there is a part of my brain that is like, we are wired to just go to, how do we make this a joke? Yeah. How do we comfort ourselves? How do we get through it? I mean, it's almost like a reaction or a defense. Your body hears this horrible, sad news and we have to,

put it through the ringer and make it happy again or get some joy out of it. It's not meant for harm at all. Yeah, we're not... That's the only thing. I always think with dark jokes, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. I've always... That's my defense. It just means...

We go to a different place to laugh. I tell a lot of people like that who get upset with jokes, I say, I bet you'd be surprised at how much even politically and socially we agree with, but with jokes, we're going to disagree on some shit, and that's completely cool. It's okay. Some people are attracted to men, and some people are...

attracted to women. Some people laugh at dark shit. Some people don't. I mean, it's just a personality type. It's the way your brain works. And it's almost like when your grandma dies and somebody goes, well, she's in a better place. That's not true. You're making light of it. You know, that's what you do. That's comforting you. That's not comforting me. Exactly. We all, I mean, when you say she's in a better place, I'm like, okay, but you know, if you know me, you know, I don't believe that. Right.

- Right, right. - And that's okay. Let me be sad that she's gone, but then also if someone makes a fucking funny joke about my dead grandma, that actually might chew me up. That's the funny thing is that- - Exactly. - If you know me, a fucked up joke will make me laugh harder. - Yes, yes. And you know, like when you're a kid and they go, "How much does Michael Jackson's underwear cost?" "Half off," or whatever the hell that joke was. You're making fun of kids getting raped by a pop star, but it doesn't mean you're pro kid rape.

right it's just you know how you deal with it in a weird way yeah that'd be way that'd be weird if you're like and also i believe this so that is that'd be good after a pedophilia joke but also that is i do believe that that'd be the new um that's the new that's the new risky comedy where you're like no i am like oh i'm sorry i believe that that's my belief right right oh how about oh sorry no what are you gonna say the butt model how about uh

Model dies from implants in her rear end. We checked, but there's no ifs, ands, or buts. Ah, that's horrible. Forget I said it. Scrap it from the record. It is crazy that a human being's dead, and we're like, this is our job. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I mean, I think about that sometimes with jokes, and I'm just like... When you can see someone's face, and you can see they're kidding, and you're just trying to have fun with it, but sometimes...

In text, people are just going to assume the worst. I'm like, I fuck Twitter. Right, right. And I used to have a bit about this where sometimes somebody says a horrible thing to you privately and you're like, oh, wow, I really like this guy really trust me because if he said that out loud or if he knew I would tell people he said that he would get in trouble. So he really feels close to me that he can say this horrible thing.

It's a great premise. Yeah. It's funny. It's like, also, you're like, this guy really trusts me. And you're like, well, maybe he's just a horrible person. Well, that too. But usually you can tell if they're actually meaning it or if they're just like, hey, dude, how about this fucking crazy joke? No, I mean, that's why it's a great premise. I mean, I remember hearing you do that once and being like, oh, that's fucking... I wish I wrote that at such a good angle. Because it's so true. It's so true. Right. You really...

are flattered it's fucked up for them to say something terrible and you're like oh wow thank you yeah exactly i didn't know we were that close this is nice it's a moment it's a moment are you working on any bits right now yeah yeah i got one that it's hitting but i don't like the way it's hitting so i want to retool it but uh basically i'll talk about how like

I go on Twitter and it's just a sad off and a complaint fest and everybody's upset and mad about something. And I realized that's why we like animals. If animals can complain, you would never have one in your home because they're just, it would be a nightmare. Like the reason you have a cat or a dog is because they're just sitting there. I mean, you can fart in a cat's face and it just takes it, you know, or he eats the same thing every day. He's shitting in a box.

And if he could complain, it'd be a nightmare. But he can't. Like, if animals had Twitter, it would be horrific. We wouldn't want them. That's a great point. Yeah, animals, we like them because they don't feel anything but good to us. Yes. I think pets do get depressed, but, like, we don't really notice. I mean, like a dog just greets you at the door, tag-whaling, you know, waving back and forth. And you're like, oh, shit, a fucking...

Tail wagon. Tail wagon. God, I'm a fucking idiot. I've had a few. No, but a dog greets you at the door like that. I've never had a partner like that. Right, exactly. I've never had a woman be like, oh my God, you're home, every time. Yes, yes. You may get it occasionally. Right. But you're not going to have, a dog greets you, he's always happy. And here's the problem. The dog does that because you have all the power. You feed it.

Yeah. Maybe that's how we need it. Maybe that's why it's such a good relationship because you have all the power. Yeah. I'm giving you the food. I change your litter. I give you the shots. I neuter you. I give you a house and a home and a, you know, a bed. It's true. And even a horse, a horse stands up all day. We give it a carrot and a sugar cube once a year, and then you ride it, you kick him in the ribs and we call it a nag. It's the opposite of a nag. It doesn't say anything. It takes it.

That's good. Yeah, I like the idea that animals don't, we don't give a shit about their feelings at all. Not really, no. And look, if a dog starts whimpering, you're like, oh shit, we got to help it. But that's the most you'll get is a whimper. And what about planet Earth? We're watching hyenas attack an antelope.

And if the antelope could be like, you're just going to watch this? What are you fucking nuts? Come on, help me here. It would be way less fun. But you can't hear them. That was our Ted Bundy. And you're just fucking watching. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. It's interesting. It's also like we don't have to care about their feelings. You're never digging your head into a hamster cage like, what's wrong, buddy? What's going on? Right. You don't have to really care. And that's so nice. Yeah.

It's nice. It's a luxury that we have. Yeah, it's fucking... I remember I had a cat that had anxiety, and I had to get like eight bulbs. Yeah, for real. I had three roommates, and I had a cat, and he would just... Every time I'd go on the road, he would just start peeing on everyone's stuff, and all my roommates hated me, and I'd be like...

I'd be like, well, what do I do? So I went to the pet store and they're like, you need to get him an anxiety bulb. And it was like 50 bucks. And I'm like, cool. Now I have anxiety. You know, it's fucking, you're putting a dent in my bank account. And then, and then I get the bulb. It doesn't work. Like I, cats will get pissed at you. They do get, cats are like, they're like a woman. You're like, they walk away and you're like, what did I do, dude? Yes. Yes. And that's why a lot of people hate cats because they complain more than dogs.

They hiss at you. They piss on shit. I can't believe your dog or your cat was diagnosed with anxiety. That's so funny. How did they know that? It was weirdly... I don't know. I probably just got hosed by this fucking pet store. The fucked up thing was it was such a cool cat. It was my friend Dan's cat. He bartends in the cellar now. You know Dan. That cat...

He would actually greet me at the door. He was such a friendly cat, but he was too attached. Yeah. So he would get pissed when I'd leave. Oh, wow. It was a lot. That's kind of nice. My gal just got a cat, so we have a cat at the house. Are you serious? How did you not tell me this? That's a big development. That's a big step, but that was a lot of pushback. But we got a cat, and it's a Maine Coon, and it's huge, and it plays fetch.

They call it the dog of cats. It's pretty wild. And I'm trying to be like tough guy and, you know, hey, I don't love this thing. And then she'll catch me like rubbing its nose with my nose, you know? I'm like, ah, shit. This ruins my whole image. Oh, dude, cats are fucking fun. If you get a good cat, man. I do like being woken up by a cat is so much better than an alarm. Yes.

or just a head going like this in your head, like gently. Right. That's fucking nice, you know? Yeah, it's pretty gentle until I got like a drawstring hanging off my pajamas and it's like, you know? That's tough. I'll tell you another thing about cats. They just start fucking vomiting everywhere. Yeah.

You're just like, I didn't know I fucking moved in with a fucking, with a SIGEP. This is fucking brutal. Just a drunk cat everywhere. No, they're just always vomiting. The piss is a real problem. Their piss smells so fucking bad. Yeah, it's really bad. The shit ain't a picnic either, but the good times are fun. You know, when it rolls on its stomach and you get the gut going, you rub it. Oh, you can't beat that.

Now they're fun. I do like a cat. Yeah. It's just, it's a little more low key than a dog. Dog's a little jumping up on the furniture and slobbering and, you know, knocking the lamp over. Cat's just kind of hanging out. I do like them. The sharp nails too is another thing where you're just like, you just have this like tiny little cat on you and you're like, oh, it's a little thing. And then they dig their nails in. Yes. Fucking switchblade. What the fuck is going on? I know. It's wild. It's wild. And then what do you think about the declawing?

I don't know. They say it's inhumane, right? I don't know. I guess you just are supposed to clip them. Yeah, I don't care. I don't know. I don't know enough. You're going to get them declawed? No, I can't do it. Yeah, they say it's inhumane. Yeah, I mean, their claws are really, I watch him like bat stuff around and without the claws, he would have no grip. He would just slip off of couches and stuff.

Yeah. It's kind of fucked up. It's weird that like even neutering, I mean, I get why you got to do it, but like, God, it's fucking brutal that we just do that to animals. I know. It's crazy. But again, they can't complain. Imagine if you got a cat neutered and he was like, what the fuck? You cut my balls off? It'd be a nightmare. You'd have to put it down. If they held a grudge and just swipe into your fucking sack in the middle of the night. Not so fucking fun, is it? Right, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I can't complain. It's why we like it. And it's I think we got something there. What do you got? All right. Did I tell you the Sesame Street idea I had? No, maybe a big bird with the teaching kids not to be racist. I might have told you that. All right. Let me see. That's funny. Something. OK, I got. Oh, there's an angle I had. Like you ever just pop an Adderall and you just like really listen to your girlfriend.

You know what I mean? Like, I mean, like really listen, it's kind of like Viagra, but for a relationship where, you know, like I even talk about it, like it's sex. I'm like, damn, that was, that was 45 minutes. That was good. Oh, that's good. And I'll say like, listening is a lot like sex, you know, you don't try to do too much. You let them go. And then every once in a while you throw in a yeah.

right. You got to let them know you're still there. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. That Viagra Adderall is the Viagra of conversation. I think that's good. It keeps you, it keeps you up. Yeah. That was like, yeah. If something about, uh,

I'm listening so hard, baby. Yeah, I'm listening is like, it's funny. It's also too, like women think that they want, like we want, they think they want the hardest dick, but they just really want the best listening. That's dead on. That's great. It's like female Viagra.

Yeah, listening is what they were. It's weird where you're like, oh, fuck. I bet they want, I bet they want a dick pic. And they're like, no, they just want an mm-hmm via text. That's all they want. Right. That's great. David Tell had that great line. He's like, I think women like vibrators because they sound like they're listening. Oh, the king. Yeah, the king. The fucking king. But that's different. That's different. No, he's the best fucking comic.

That's interesting. It's true. They don't want you to fix the problem either. They always say that. Just listen. Let me vent. Stop trying to fix it. Well, that's our nature, right? That's like women want guys to listen. It's almost like when women are like, I'm cold, and you give them a jacket. They're like, no, I just wanted to tell you I'm cold. And you're like, cool. What an asshole I am for trying to fix the problem. I know.

Exactly. And I kind of want you to stop complaining about it. So I got you the jacket. It's like a win-win. We're drowning. Okay. Let's try to swim to the top. No, I just wanted you to listen to how we're drowning. That's the bit. That's funny. Like when they actually need help and you're like, I'm just listening. And they're like, well, I'm dead now. I think there's a guy in the apartment. You grab a baseball bat. No, put it down. I wanted to talk about how there's a guy in the apartment. Exactly. You never listen. Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah, the listening is a fucking it's I didn't realize like what and it's tough. I really have horrible. I it's hard for me to listen. I'm a bad. But also, how about you meet me halfway? Okay, you want me to listen. So why don't you up the interesting factor? Huh? Let me have way here. If I'm gonna do my part and listen, why don't you add some punchlines?

Yeah, I used to have an old bit where a woman said to me, you suffer from attention deficit disorder. And I was like, if you see me suffering, then why are your stories so long? That was amazing.

There you go. Old one-liner. That's a good line. Also, I think you had a bit about this too. Like, we have phones now. So, like, you got to beat the phone. So, you better step it up or you're going to be obsolete conversation-wise. Yeah, I had a bit about how, like, stories, I wish it worked like YouTube where you could tap the face and see how much time was left. And then, of course, that got turned into a fucking fat Jew or whoever, whatever.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, of course. Yeah, they always take our bets. - That fat cunt, I hate that guy.

He was at Uncut Gems. I know. I think we already complained about this. People were making fun of us because we've done like 10 different podcasts. I think some people were saying that we should just, the podcast should just be us doing a different podcast every podcast. Episode one, again. Yeah, that's funny. I like us drinking together because this feels like we're actually hanging out. Mm-hmm.

This is old school, you know? Yeah, I've already put down this SoCo and tea. Diet Coke. Oh, no, I got. Well, I'm doing my scotch, but I'm doing a little watermelon LaCroix back here. That's a good back. It's a nice back.

Yeah. I would just pour that right in the scotch, maybe. No, this is good scotch. I'm not going to mix it. That's true. That's true. Is that a no-no? Sometimes I'll put a little water in some scotch and I can... No. Okay. Do what tastes good to you, but I don't want to put it... I think water, it's like ice. You're just diluting it a little bit. I think with really good scotch, I don't want to do that. But if I'm drinking something that's kind of shitty, I'm like, eh. Not even shitty, but like...

You know, sometimes I look forward to when the ice melts just a little. Yeah, same, same. It cuts it a little. I'm not, you know, Ernest Hemingway here. Well, Hemingway would drink some soft shit, too. I know he was like a badass. Really? Yeah, he would drink like Havana Libres and, you know, those are like rum and Cokes, I think. Oh, yeah, he liked a cocktail. You know, so, I mean, that's like sugary. That's sweet. Yeah, I don't care for neat. Look, I get it, neat, but it just feels like you're putting alcohol in a cup.

it doesn't feel like enough for me it depends on the on the uh occasion you know yeah it's it's snowing out you know it's snow out so i'll mix it up i've reached the point of the quarantine where like dude last night i made a fucking margarita i threw some grapefruit and pomegranate in my blender bam uh threw some tequila lime in there i was like you know what put a salt rim around it every once in a while i want to be a little fucking fancy boy but

Yeah, that's nice. But I usually drink scotch or like tequila or maybe a glass of wine. But I just think like, yeah, I think neat in the winter is kind of nice, honestly. Well, neat also works too when it's like, you know, Sam's getting married and we all just pour a couple of neat drinks and, you know, take it down. You know, when it's like a celebration. Speaking of that, let me ask you this.

It's Christmas time. It's holidays. It's snowing. Where do you stand on the bourbon and eggnog? I'm fine. You don't like it? I love it. I'm a huge fan of eggnog. I can't not. Speaking of Dave Attell, I can't think of eggnog and not think of, what was he called? Elf cum? Elf cum. I think about that every single time I pour an eggnog.

I like, I haven't had it in a while, but yeah, I like throwing some, what do you throw some nutmeg and cinnamon on there? Some bourbon and eggnog. Yeah. It's really nice. I love that. I mean, you drink a cup of eggnog and you want to kill yourself because it's just so thick and dairy and sugary, but boy, you put that bourbon in there and it just cuts it. It's perfect. Yeah. It's nice. And I like, I mean, I'll have a fucking white Russian too. I don't give a shit. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. It's been a while, but like, I usually just stick with like the brown stuff now, but like I, I,

This shit will give me a hangover. I love a white Russian here and there. I'll tell you, even talking about it makes me want to watch Lebowski right now. He calls it a Caucasian.

I love it. Yeah, yeah. I love a white rush, but you can't go too deep in with the creamy liquors, I feel like. The liqueurs. It's just too much dairy after a while. You're just yakking or shitting foam. Yeah, you just feel fucking... I mean, like, what, are you going to get loaded off of fucking milk? Exactly. Like, you're just going to be a fucking... You're just going to be, like, out to here. You're going to blow up. Yeah.

It's bad news, but I mean, those eggnogs are so good. I end up drinking like half a carton. Are you making them at home? I do. I just buy like the carton, just the tall one, you know, where you crease it back and pour it in like that. And, oh, I love it. I just go out of the, out of the carton at night. Yeah. It's fucking good. Yeah. It's a problem. I might have to get up. We might, maybe we should do next week. Maybe we should get on a fucking little, uh, eggnog, nutmeg kick. Oh yeah. Hell I'm down. That should be our next step.

Yeah. Do we cover? Oh, pet peeve. What's your pet peeve for the week? What do I have? I wrote down something. What do I have? I wrote down a note just to make sure. Oh, fuck. Fucking. I mean, this is an obvious one, but like just health insurance in this country, man. It makes me pee. Yeah. Cause I was on, I had to, I spent like fucking six hours on the phone figuring out health insurance and

Apparently, New York State has some sort of thing where you can't get a PPO, which is nationwide. It's like, we travel. I want to get fucking... I'm in LA a lot. I want to get coverage. I want to be able to get a checkup out there. I want to be able to get stuff out there. So...

Yeah. Health insurance, they're such pieces of shit. None of them know how to do that. Literally every person I talk to is like, oh, you have to talk to this other person. I'm like, all right, fuck you. And then you talk to the airlines right now. I want the health insurance industry to suffer to the point where they're like airlines now, where you call Delta and they're like, no change fee. We're happy to move it. You're like, good. You fucking had it too good for too long, airlines. I'm glad you're fucking... Airlines right now feel like...

Like, they feel like a hot high school kid who grew up and got busted. And you're like, wow, they got really nice. And you're like, no, they're broken. That's fucking why. I want health insurance to be like the airlines right now. And by that, I mean not bailed out fully and –

Yeah, and broken where they have to fucking give us some love now. It's been too long. It's like cabs. Cabs always, I know you're a cab fan. I'm a cab guy. I like cabs too because they're right there and it's romantic. The guy's talking to, you know, Dubai on a Bluetooth or whatever it is, but like

I mean, and you get a cab in New Orleans or somewhere outside of New York, and it's like you got a call. They're 45 minutes late. They smell like cigarettes. The seats reclined. They have a Helen back.

And you're like, what the fuck? But they're the only game in town. Then Uber came in and they were like, shit, we got to clean up our act. Yeah. They had a meeting. No more hand grenades while you're driving. Yeah, exactly. Like blaring the fucking music and the, just the cigarette smoke and the dirty cab and all the whole thing. And I kind of miss it. The disrespect felt real. I mean, it was real. I do miss it, but you're right. I mean, I'm that my pet peeve of the week. I was so angry. I spent like

You know, I did like four fucking podcasts the other day and the rest of the day I could just be on the phone with tech support all day and they just suck. They just suck, man. Tech support's a nightmare. Then they keep transferring you to another place and you're like, just give me the lady. Give me the push zero. Give me the correspondent, whatever you call it, the operator.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you how about you? What's your pet peeve? Well, this one's a little bit like we've all been guilty of it. But it happened to me today. And it's a real pet peeve because it's a kind of a sign of like, I don't give a shit about you or in consideration. I go, I have to be gone by this time. And your friend or whoever goes, of course, we got you.

out the door we'll say 321 out the door you got it no problem now it's 320 i go well it's about that time they go come on one more minute hang out another five where you going and you're like i'm walking away and they go what are you crazy you leave it i'm like i told you it's 16 times 321 and they they give you shit for leaving at 320 you guys drinking is that what it was no he's sober now i don't want to shit on i don't want to say who it is but like he always does that to me and it's a huge pet peeve

Yeah, that's tough. It's tough. The person who like you make the agree, the verbal agreements intact, right? We, we have the verbal agreement and then you say, it's time for me to leave. Yes. This is the time we agreed upon. And they're like, come on, you got me out with this agreement. Right. Right. And it's basically saying like,

This week, it's like, look, we're having so much fun. I don't want you to leave. But also, I don't really give a shit about your thing. I'd rather hang out than care about your problem. That's your... You deal with that. I'm still hanging out. So it's kind of inconsiderate in a way. Totally. It's us giving what we have and then not being enough. Yes, exactly. Exactly. It's feeling like nothing's enough for that person too. It's that... Yeah, that shit's tough where you're just like...

I like the friends who are just like totally like, well, I'm glad you were able to come out. It's like they're not recognizing that you did something, even though it was a lot for you to come out. It's also a pandemic. It's also a fucking pandemic. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And that just drives me crazy because it also makes you realize like, oh, when I said 321 an hour ago and you were going, of course, you were just lying to me. You were just like, oh, yeah, whatever. I'll shut you up. Let's just keep hanging out.

But I get it. It's bittersweet because I want to see the guy. You're like a woman. You're like, all right, one kiss. And then they're like, all right. And they kiss you. Touching your chest. You're like, I said I'd fucking kiss you, piece of shit. Exactly. But let's be honest. A lot of those ladies want to go further. But that's the part. That's the other part that's going to get cut from this. But no, I mean, you know, all that like, oh, no. Like there's a little flirtiness there. But like with this, I'm like 321. That's it.

Meanwhile, he's on the phone with his friends. He said 321. We all know what he meant. We all know he was asking for 325. We all know exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. No means no. 321 means 430. Yeah. But we worked it out and we're fine and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's a pet peeve.

Yeah, no, I'm with you. I'm with, it's so much to even, it's so much to even go out these days. And like, I think like, I don't have the emotional, like, I'm not able to kind of socialize at the level I was a year ago, because I'm so used to being alone now. So right now when I'm out, I'm all I'm very excited. And I'm very happy to be around people. But I also I don't have the endurance. Yeah.

Yeah, totally. Totally. I mean, we used to be like Pumas and Jaguars and now we're house cats completely. We've just gotten, you know, shaped or what do you call it? Manipulate. What's the word? We've accustomed. We've been accustomed to just homebody, hangout, computer, phone, TV. And we used to be running all over the city. Yeah, no, I totally feel that. And I think, yeah.

I was trying to do a bit about people. You ever, like... Like, I was trying to do a bit about, like, real friendship, like, what real friendship means to me, and I want to do a bit about how, like...

you ever just face i was facetiming a friend and we were just chatting and then we both got disconnected and neither of us called the other one back oh like to me that's real friendship because yes we both we both didn't need to like make sure everything was okay we both just knew it was okay well like the conversation was over like i wrote a whole list of to me like i have another thing about like i have a friend who

We'll make plans and I'll be like, hey, movie Wednesday. And then Wednesday comes around and you're both kind of like, oh, I hope he doesn't contact me. And then neither of us contact the other person like that's a friend. Yes, we didn't need to check in. We both knew that we got out of the mood. It's still good. We're still OK. I don't know. That to me was like it felt real. That's a bit. I think that's that's there's something there. There's something there. Oh, that's funny. I'll noodle with that.

My only argument is, though, if you're in the middle of something deep and heavy and then it gets cut off. It was. It was just kind of like we've been on the phone for a while. No, I totally agree. If it's something deep and heavy, it's the opposite, for sure. Right, right. Yeah. Then you're like, do they hang up on me? Shit. Yeah. But no, I completely, I'm with you on that. If they don't call back, they don't need to. They know you're still cool. That's a friend. Yeah, for sure. Good shit, man. Well, you're zany tonight.

Yep, yep. Seeing the whole crew. Zany's starting – it feels like Nashville – I mean, Austin, where it's like things are popping here. You know, the club's full. Everybody's coming out. Theo moved here, and Josh Wolfe moved here. Jeff Dye is here. It's like – it feels like things are cooking. It really feels like other cities are really popping comedy-wise. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, that's all it takes. It's like I guess now with the internet and everything, social media, you don't all need to be in New York and L.A., so –

Yeah, it's probably good to spread it out a little. I agree. I agree. That way, you know, before we'd be like, I'm going to, I'm going to Cleveland, whatever. And now it's like, oh, I'm going to, I did see this guy. I can do this club. I can do this podcast. So it's kind of nice to spread it out. You're right.

That's cool, man. I mean, it's great. I'm doing Soul Joel's heated dome tent in Warriorsford, PA on Wednesday. I'm there on Tuesday. Are you there Tuesday night? Well, I was supposed to be there on whatever the last blizzard was, and we had to turn back. Interesting. Yeah, I've been there already once.

um i hope people come out again but we'll see you know yeah i think it'll get to the heated dome i think people are with their families they need something to do they don't want to sit and talk to their aunt for three days so i think people will come out that's my pitch don't talk to your aunt yeah yeah come see some jokes yeah so hopefully it should be pretty cool and uh you know good all right i hope people i hope people are liking this i hope they keep listening i think uh we got a hot theme let us know what you could do with that theme and uh

we'll keep banging these out it's fun to do totally yeah keep commenting like it share it tell a friend share the link and i'm loving the comments i mean the nice ones but yeah just like your pet peeve or your what what way do you think you can go with that bit i got a bunch of responses about bit ideas like you should go you should talk about this and i'm like oh yeah i love it i love it i love i love people you know getting involved because i feel like

Our listeners or our commenters, they're cool. They're cool. I saw someone comment. I don't read all of them, but I saw someone comment about a Robert Mitchum movie, Night of the Hunter. I was like, oh, I've never seen that. I'll check it out. I love that we're getting Rex movie rights. Yeah, exactly. We got good cultured, interesting fans for the most part. I love it.