Ep 192 - The Nortons (Jim & Nikki Norton)
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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We got a hot show. We got Jim and Nikki. How the hell are you? Hey. Hi. All right. Now, does that lead into an intro or are you actually asking? I'm asking. Oh, sorry. That was off with the two duds we are.

Good. I'm really good. I love how you look. Thank you. Thank you. You're the one. Unlike my wife. Yeah. No, the sweater is nice. You're just going to move into someone's apartment and stay there. I'm here with Mrs. Dog. Yes. Winnie. This is Winnie. Winnie. She is so cute. I want to bring her home.

Oh, look at you. She's getting angry right now. Oh, I hope she bites you. Do you know how happy that would make me? She might. She attacked Ari Shafir pretty badly. Did she really? Yeah, she saw his act. But I feel like I have an animal spirit. I can talk to the animals. Oh, really? Well. Yeah. He came mooing along. Yes, I had to do a calling, cow calling. All right, you got mooing. You'll have to explain it. They got it. It's called kulning in Norwegian. Well, he likes to get milked.

You ever watch milking video porn? Sure. On the massage table? Yes. Of course. Pretty hot with the ladies under it. If we had a threesome, he would be Bukkake Man. But I'm not allowing. I don't think we should do a threesome yet. No. He probably would want more trans girls. I wouldn't like that at all. Right. You'd want to be the only one. I like strictly men. Oh.

Oh, okay. Yeah, but we're not going to have a threesome. But I do like the milking. Wow, look at those purple balls. Jesus. I was looking at the tits, but that's... Oh, right. That's true, yeah. Good point. Ah, look at those big, fat, heavy balls. I didn't know that I would wake up and be here and then watch balls. Yeah. All right, Salacus. Nice. How much work are you going to give them to edit out of YouTube? What if you have normal people here and you show them the same thing? Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a pervert. Yeah. Look at him. Look at that mustache. Yeah, that's a fucking, that's a van in front of a school mustache. Oh, yeah. I don't just look like Ron Jarme. I live it. Yeah. He's going to jail for rape. Oh, my God.

Ron's not going to jail. He's like, no, he's got dementia. He's so fucked up. Literally, it's not faking it. He couldn't stand trial. What? Yeah, yeah. That'd be great if it ended like Primal Fear, though, and it turned out he was on an act. I just faked the whole thing. Yeah. Well, she did. Sorry. Remember when he was at our show at the Cellar and he was passed out during the set? Yeah.

He liked comedy. Yeah, he did. Ron Jeremy. Oh, Ron Jeremy. You know Ron Jeremy, right? He did comedy. No. Did he? I knew about him. I learned about him when I was 12. Good age to find out about Ron Jeremy. The hedgehog. I think he did actually do comedy. I didn't know.

Yeah, at one point, I think he... I mean, he looks like he would. Yeah, I think at one point he did stand up. He did love comedy. And he would always, like, he would always, like, he would text me or he's always asking for, like, money or asking for weird... If she didn't, if he didn't have a big dick, would he be big in porn, you think? No. No. No, he's all done. But he still had personality. That's true. How many porn stars do you know that are personality driven?

I can't get it up, but man, what a hilarious guy. He's charming. I think he's Jewish. Yes, he is. Okay. If this is bad, I apologize. What? The champagne. Oh, champagne. No bubbles in that thing. It's good? Very good.

All right. Yeah. No, I don't. You're dry, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long? February 1st of 87. Wow. That's amazing. Yes, and every person that I know through Jim who happens to be a comedian, they don't drink. They're all in AA. Yeah, that's true. There's a lot of that now. It's very nice when I meet people who don't.

Are not in AA. Yeah. You meet fellow addicts. Then I can relax and enjoy life. Yeah. And life is a little dictionary, if that makes sense. Agreed. You are supposed to take some risks. Yes. Hear, hear. Sing it, sister. Yeah. Did you guys meet during COVID? Oh, no. No, it was way before that, right? Because I remember like...

What do you got here? Is it bad? It's like old Mott's apple juice. I love it. Yeah, it's all right. No, we met years before COVID. We lived together in COVID. That's right. We started talking online, and this was when I had- Which site? No, she actually messaged me on Facebook because she saw me do an interview that she liked when I said about trans people and just sent me a message. No, but I did webcamming. Yeah, I found that out right after. Ah!

It's good, though. You get to see, like, all right, I like this person. Let me watch them helicopter the deck and just see if we get along. I'm very proud to have done the type of work that I've done, though. At 18, the first day I turned 18, I sent in my passport, all my information, and I feel very proud to have done webcamming. Yes. Because it made my life and it created my life. Sure. And I could be...

my own and pay my own bills. It's got to be a good moolah. Yes. Web camming. I mean, I've donated quite a bit. Oh, yeah, me too. That might put a lot of those girls through college. So you got to see the webcam after.

Meeting. No. I mean, after talking a little bit. After talking. Yeah. I mean, we didn't meet for seven months. Well, I didn't know that he was a comedian. I didn't really understand what that was. Yeah. So I just checked his Wikipedia and I'm like, oh, well, at least he's got a Wikipedia. That's true. So there's got to be something here. Right. It's the worst being married to her as a comic because she never laughs at it.

jokes it's like always like answers like literally isn't that like a Norwegian thing yes yeah they're all on the spectrum but she laughed at that yes no I like real jokes when I watch someone do material I convey it as for me it's not a real joke because I'm hearing the material through the lines so then I tap out that's why I like Sandy Cain when she did comedy she's like fuck you man and she's just in her spirit

Totally. Do you know Sandy Cain? Pull her up. I mean, O and A. I love Sandy Cain. Yeah, but if you see Sandy Cain and you're like, that's my wife's favorite comedian, you'll know why I'm in fucking hell. Her stand-up is underrated, though. I agree. It's not. It's rated perfectly. So I did The Beacon and we tried to hire her to open. Yeah, why didn't she do it? She was in California. She said the money was too high. No, no. She was in California. She was out of town, yeah. Where? Where could she have been that she couldn't do a gig of that size? Well, she did a movie, Jim. Oh.

Yeah, the Florida Project? Oh, I saw that movie. She shows her tits in it. That was a good movie. It was. That was great. And she fucking... I think we had Willem Dafoe in one time and he starred in that and we brought Sandy in and it was just very, very uncomfortable. Why? Because she kept bugging him about like...

I think she wants to do more work with him and he was just like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Just politely kind of fucking brushing it off. Did you hear that Willem Dafoe's dick is so big? Yes. They had to get a stunt double for one of his movies because it would be distracting. There's a guy whose job is to just be like, yeah, he's got a medium-sized dick. He just comes in.

That's where I come into show business. That's your claim to fame. Like, you look like Willem Dafoe, but you have a small dick. You're like, I'll never make this work. It's like, wow, we need you for something. Well, Willem Dafoe, you look at him, his skin is so tight, you can kind of tell he's well-packing.

Yeah. Because he looks like a dick. Like he's like... Yeah. He looks like a penis. Like his whole body. He's meant to be penis. Yes, yes. Exactly. You know who's got a big cock? Defoe. I heard James Woods. Oh, really? My wife. Yeah.

James Woods has a legendarily have a penis although I'm a woman very proud to have a penis it works And I love my body yes, yeah, I'll be on the webcam later. Thank you. Yeah, I'll send you a link Send me a link have you seen his material value no you some of it a little bit. That's great It's really funny. Thank you. Have you seen James penis? Oh?

What's that? Have you seen James Woods? Is that James Woods' dick? Yeah. Let me see. Yeah, it's not a good sign when you say zoom in. Let's see. That's it. Is it just hair? I can't see. That's soft. It's decent. Yeah.

See if I can get a better one. I heard Harvey Keitel is all right. I heard Liam Neeson. Sometimes the guys are like, Keitel is so tiny that you're like, it might not have to be that big to look huge. Right, right, right. Liam Neeson, I'm not surprised, but he's a big imposing man. Six five. Six five. He should have a fucking big dick. Do you as men need a big dick in your porn to be able to? I prefer it. Is it better if it's a big cock? Yeah, it reads. Because I'm very cock driven, so for me it's all about the cock. And it is better when there's a huge cock.

I like it better, yeah. My girlfriend actually fucked Liam Neeson once. Whoa! That's respectful. I really respect that. A long time ago, because I did fuck Liam Neeson, I was like, and I didn't ask, but it sucks because now when I watch Schindler's List, it's even sadder. Ha ha ha ha!

Like, oh, this fucking prick. Yeah, right. Now you have to hate him. Did she ever date him? She just banged him? No, they went on like three or four. Oh, they went out a couple of times. Yeah. There we go. So it's more than once. Yeah. She said just once. Oh, really? She made him wait. Okay, I respect that. I can't see. Which one is James Woods? The guy on the left? On the right? The guy on the far left. I literally can't see. I can't tell either. This is not very impressive so far. Oh, no. James Wood.

Yeah, I think I can kind of see it hanging there in the shadow. I can see it. Grainy. Not bad. I think it's a bad quality pic here. It's a bad quality photo. This is like we're watching porn from 1980s. Yeah, this is old school. Very old school. This is VHS. But anyway, James was at the Big Dick. Chaplin had a Big Dick. I heard Charlie Chaplin did. Who's the comedian with the biggest cock? Hands down. Who? I mean, we all want to just say our own names like this. That's the dumb joke. Uh.

Milton Berle. Milton Berle. Milton Berle. Yeah, the famous joke was like his dick's on display at the Friars Club on the second, third, and fourth floor. Like this great joke about it. Someone challenged him to a penis contest and he said, I'll just pull out enough to win. Yeah. Woo!

Yeah, that's a legend. They all know Milton had a huge cock. For me, a cock has to be over seven and a half inches. If it's not over seven and a half, I don't care who you are or what you do or how wide it is. It's not a big dick. So that bodes well for you. Well, yeah, I just made the cut. Yes, Jim has a bigger dick than people would think. I've seen it. Thank you. You showed me when I met you.

Yeah. It's a decent cock. It's a good cock. Thank you, Mark, very much. But again, you look like a penis. I have been with bigger dicks than Jim's, though. Sure. I mean, that's always how you want to clarify it. That's always the best way. We could have left it off. Yeah, of course. You didn't have to throw that in. Yeah, yeah. The compliment, but then all kidding aside. This is on the lower end of the spectrum. Yeah. Wow. Who are we talking? Quinn? Colin? I want to know. Colin? Probably has a thick, juicy cock. Yeah.

You think so? Yeah, because when he grows out his beard, it just kind of grows everywhere. So I just feel like his dick did the same through puberty. You think he's got a thick dick? Well, he's got a big old square noggin on him, too. Exactly. I think he has a fat cock.

Anyone else hard? I don't know if Colin has a fat... He never struck me as a guy with a big dick. No, I've thought about it. Me neither. No, he struck me as a guy with a thin Irish dick. I'm like, analyze that. Yeah, but I think you're wrong. That picture of him is awesome. It's the best. That is my favorite picture of Colin. Is that Colin? Yeah. He's somewhere in Brooklyn on pills. Wow. He looks like a hipster. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Park Slope. Yeah, he was a young man then. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah. Milton Berle. Milton Chaplin. James Wood. For comedians...

Who has a big dick as a comic? I know I've heard rumors about guys. I've heard that Bert has a big dick. Kreischer? Bert's bulge is not bad. He's got a good bulge. Yeah, Bert's got a pretty good bulge. That's true. Oh, Rogan is huge. He's a big dick. Another short guy, though. Yes.

Have you seen it or you've heard it? I've seen it. He got out of the ice bath, which is even more impressive. I can still see the huge bulge. That is fucking insane. I have been with a few short guys and they always have big necks. Yeah. This is true. But again, it could just look bigger because their little legs are closer to the ground. I'm telling you, this thing was a doozy. It was thicker than his neck and that's a lot. Okay. All right. Well, I can't think of any other. But black guys don't really count. Kevin Hart. Yeah. Just cut that part out.

Just have him saying, black guys don't count. Yeah, not society. That's the promo for the episode. Black guys don't count. All right. Tuesdays. Oh, this will be a different podcast. He is fucking ripped. Oh, yeah. He's what, 60? 55? It's like Dana White, who's also a common billionaire. They all have this billionaire look. And I think there's three of them now. It's Matt, Sarah.

No, not a billionaire. Dana White. And then it's Joe Rogan. Yep. And then it's the Jeff Bezos. Oh, yeah. Matt Serra, too. They all look like billionaires. That's interesting. It's that billionaire look. I really miss my window to play Hunter Biden the way. Oh, yeah. The way Adam Ray is doing Joe. Dr. Phil. I could have cashed in on Hunter. Oh, yeah. Why didn't you? You still probably could. I mean, everyone knows. Yeah, the ship sailed. You think it sailed a little bit? Yeah, you're more of a gatherer, Biden. Okay.

Yeah, so Sam Morrill as... Is there any Arabian in you? I think I got a hint of Turkish in me. You look a little Arab. That's like 12%. I stupidly did that 23 in me. That's a lot of percent, though. You what? That's a lot of percent. 12? Yes. It's significant. What's the rest?

A lot of Ashkenazi Jew. A lot of Eastern European Jew. I want to do that. What are you guys? I guess I'm Irish. Boring. I'm fucking Irish. My whole family is from the deep woods of Norway. I think I'm 100% Norwegian. That's good. Yeah. You're white. Yeah. Well, my grandmother is very interested in genealogy. And I asked her, do we at least have a little German? And she's like, no.

Damn. Completely from the deep woods of Norway. The woods. Probably some lumberjack. I hope no incest. Yeah. Inevitable. There's probably a little bit back there. I hope not. I would explain certain things. Yeah. Some uncle blowing a kid in a gingerbread house. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you are to have blue eyes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's probably a little incest. Look this up. I heard there's a dating app in Norway that stops you from fucking a cousin because there's so much cousin fuck in Scandinavia. No, really? Are you serious? Yeah, I swear to God. No, stop. There's an app that like...

No, I've never heard about this. Are you actually serious? I swear to God, 23andMe and the dating app linked up. Let's avoid this one. Terrible app. It's Icelanders. Oh, sorry, sorry. Which is very interesting because I've had topic with so many people. Like, I'm from Norway, and I feel like I'm from a secluded country. Imagine the Icelandics. 300,000 people. Norway, 5 million. It's a huge difference. Forget about it. If I was an Icelandic person in the big world, I would feel very small.

Yeah. I do believe the incest. Yeah, that's not that many people. Yes. I mean, who else are you going to fuck? I mean, if I... I would fuck myself. Yeah. What do they look like? Because we all know Norwegians are tall, blonde, blue-eyed. What the hell do Icelanders look like? Very, very white. The same. I was watching this... The same. I was watching this Roman...

Empire doc on Netflix and it was just about Caligula fucking his sisters. Oh, yeah. We just bang them all. It's like, if you're going to fuck one, you may as well fuck all three. Of course. I didn't know he had that. Drusilla's the one I know of. Drusilla's the big one. She was the one he loved. That was the one he loved. Yeah. But, you know. He had other ones?

I think she's the only one he knocked up. Did he knock her up? Yeah. Whoa. Retarded kid. Maybe. Because incest tends to lead to that. Yeah. Helen Mirren was in the original Caligula, and she's topless, and she's played as... She looked good. Pull it up. She was very sexy. Yeah, Helen Mirren in the original Caligula. She has no vibes. She does, but back then she was like in her 30s. Whoa!

Whoa! Great. Cans. Mirren. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got... Her cans were great for another 40 years or so. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She has amazing breasts. Hachimachi. I forget who she played in Caligula. It was like Queen whatever, whoever he finally married. Even back then, you couldn't fuck your sister in the open. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I mean, even for Caligula, they were like, just keep it under your hat. What is Caligula? Caligula was a Roman Caesar...

I believe it was after Tiberius and before... Like Dracula? Augustus. No, not Augustus. Before Claudius. He ruled for four years. I don't understand. Yeah. Just four years? Four years, yeah. He was murdered, yeah. Everyone, all of them were murdered. But he was a... No one grew old. Tiberius got really old and died. I think they say Caligula killed him, but he was in his 70s. Oh, yeah. And he was just rotting. Most of them died pretty young. Yeah. Or like...

I mean, Caesar made it even fairly old for like those types of, a lot of battles at least. Yeah. Julius. Yeah. Yeah. A to Brute. Yeah. Yeah. They were all Caesars. I mean, uh, Caligula Caesar, uh, Claudia Caesar, but I think Claudia has followed him and Claudia was kind of a dope, like kind of a controllable idiot. Yeah. Whereas Caligula was a fucking psychopath. Hmm.

I think it was four years up until like 31 to 27 or 33 to 29 AD. I think it might be that. Give me those numbers again. I want to see if you're right. 33 to 29. Wow. You get this. It's 12. Oh, okay. Wow. Oh, no. 24 to 41. Well, how long did he? Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. Sorry.

37 to 41. 37 to 41. Oh, okay. Pretty good. Yeah. Well, they say Genghis Khan. Everyone's like 2% Genghis Khan. He raped so many people. We all have a little Genghis in us? Little Connie. Yeah. He was a marauder.

Genghis Khan was a conqueror. And you want to talk big dongs. What was the name of that one guy? Genghis Dong. No, no. He's in the museum. His dick's in a museum. We went to that museum. Derringer? The giant penis. What's his name? He's a big... Penis museum? What is it? Rasputin. Rasputin!

Huge! Is he in the Icelandic Big Dick Museum? Because it was that big. And he wanted to save it, like Danny D. We went to the Icelandic Big Penis Museum. Really? Yeah, we were in Iceland. We went to the Bobby Fischer Museum. Whoa! Where is that? That is probably his dick. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the one. It's like an elephant cock. I know. I don't even believe it's real. No, I don't either. I think it's just like pulled apart by the... It's at the museum in St. Petersburg, Russia. Oh, they don't fuck around. Yeah, they probably exaggerated it. Russian dick. It looks like an elephant cock. Yeah. It does look like an elephant dick. That doesn't look normal. It's not a guy's dick. Well, they're really pushing it. I mean, it's on all the brochures and the pamphlets. And you know what? That picture still, I love it.

I love her. Yeah, that's hot. I don't like him. I don't like the fucking Paul Rodriguez looking guy. What's his asshole doing? He's just got to goof it up a bit. Stop trying to be funny with the big cock in your hand. That's two dicks. Looks like Jim every Saturday.

So married life, I mean, now that you're married, do you not do as many sets? You're not going out? I still see you at the cellar. I do more sets. The more I'm out of the house, the fucking better. Yeah. No, I'm doing two sets a night and I'm on the road. I mean. I have a wonderful life with Jim Norton. Yeah, it's great. Great to be 27 and non-working and making foods and dinners. What do you make? Norwegian salmon. Oh.

Norwegian food. But that Norwegian, what's that thing I don't like that you like? Fleskodøpe. It's a delicacy. What is it? It's like a fat bacon, but like extra, extra thick. And you put it on potatoes and cabbage stew. Sounds good to me. It's really good. And then you pour all the grease from the dish over. I love it. It's delicious. I'm in. You wouldn't. But I feel like Jim's a very manic person.

So I get to enjoy not the single life, but life of my own when he's working so much. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I like it too. We like to get whatever I want. I can get a credit card. I don't need to work and I wouldn't have a job. And it's fine that people look down at me for not wanting to have a societal job.

Sorry, I don't want that. I've never wanted that. I've been vocal about that since I was 16. And I'm never going to have a job and be a sheep of society. Won't do it. And if people are going to hate me for that, fine. I don't care. I have a complete different experience than the average human being.

Everybody watching this is going, what a fucking bitch. But I've not had to have a job, and I'm very proud of that. One of my greatest accomplishments. If you're doing half the house stuff, I feel like that's fair. Somebody brings in the money, somebody watches. She does all the house stuff. I really do the house stuff. I do the laundry. I wake up. I do the bed. I do the dinners. This is not just me being on my computer and kind of doing dinner. I put my heart and soul into it.

That's cool. Yeah, she does the wife stuff. I mean, it's... Trad wife. Yeah, kind of, yeah. Tran wife. There you go. How do you feel about the kiss posters? No, I don't like those. But I know that it's just a matter of time. Oh, no. Until I die and she can fucking throw them out. I guarantee you, if I had a stroke as the ambulance was pulling up, I'd hear...

- Are you sick getting pulled off the wall? - Sometimes you have to put all of life's blessing in a jar and then just let the blessings in the jar tip over once you feel free. - I see. - I don't know what that means. - No, I'm just, you gather a lot of experiences and wait for the jar to tip over.

Uh-huh. And then you can just love it all. Right. Yeah. Well, that's kind of what I'm doing with my post. Yes. It's a weird hoarding obsession. It doesn't mean anything. I'm getting sick of it, actually. I don't hate the posters, though. It's a good addiction to have. This could be worse. It could be a lot worse. Bringing in trending hookers. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely wants enough. Yeah.

But you got some cool stuff on your walls. I mean, I've been to your apartment a few times. Just the photos you have, the signatures you have. It's pretty impressive. Thank you. Yeah, it's like just, again, being single all those years and just that was the thing I focused on was getting these things. May I use the restroom? You got to pee? Sure. Go ahead. I have a small bladder. Go ahead. Sure, if you want to use it. All right.

Yeah, you got some great stuff. Yes, and I still, I love it. She hates it. Like, I know that she hates it, but it's like, it is what it is. You get the bedroom, and I get the rest of the apartment. Yeah. I can, you know, I'll put what I want on the walls, and you can fucking load the bedroom, and we'll get the furniture that you want. But you figured out how to have a traditional thing, but not traditional. Right, exactly. It's pretty good. It's actually the only person I could be married to is her. As much as it seems a little bit weird, like, she really is the only person I could have married. Yeah.

Because she has a sense of humor about all of it. And she has actually seen the material. And she's never like, oh, don't say that. Don't talk about that. Like, not you could tell. Like, listen, there's nothing I can say that would upset her on stage. She doesn't give a fuck. I love that's my biggest turn off with a lady. I can't even be with a woman who gets offended by jokes or squeamish or like, oh, and a dick.

It would turn me off. I understand that. It's a tough sell for a lot of guys. Sure, sure. I mean, for me, it was like literally the first thing I saw when I walked through the showroom door. But for a lot of guys, it's a tough sell. They're like, she's got a cock. I'm like, all right, well, it's not for you. But like somebody who's funny and can bounce back and forth with, that's great. I dated somebody, and I was on stage one time, and I'm hitting on a woman in the audience, but not really hitting on her, just fucking...

Doing what you do and she got really angry at me and I'm like, I don't mean it like that wasn't real. It's a joke Yeah, I mean I did eventually get caught cheating on her She was right. It was a piece of shit But the fact that she got mad at me for joking like I just I I can't I could never married somebody who would get upset at me for fucking around like that right, right? It's silly. How do you like being married?

Well, it's only a year and a half, and the good news is it didn't change that much. Actually, when we got married, I was terrified as any comedian is, but she got calmer. She was like, all right, now that we're married, I can chill out a little bit. Right. So it made it a lot...

A lot smoother. Do you guys want kids? Yeah. Wow. You do too? Oh, yeah. Sam? Yeah, we'll see. Okay. But as a person, you'd like to have them? I think eventually it'd be nice, yeah. I'm fascinated with that. Yeah. I mean, there's nothing I want less than a child. Well, here's the thing. I know what you mean, but my friend had kids and he's like, you don't get the full world experience, full life experience without a kid. And I think when I'm 70...

It'd be nice to hang out with some fucking idiot. He might be right. Like, there's probably something I'm missing by not doing it. But she wants to adopt. And I'm like, fuck. You would never do that? I would really have to fucking, I'd rather incubate hornets under my toilet seat than adopt a fucking child. What would it take for you to adopt a kid? Like, there's no way? No, there's nothing on earth. We're talking about how you want kids and I don't. I don't want to adopt.

Yeah. You should compromise and adopt like a 17-year-old. You get one year and you're done. No, like a 12-year-old. Oh. Girl from China because I want to do diapers. Well, that's too tempting for a gym. You're going to do diapers probably another 20 years.

when you were old? Yes. Yes. How about you start with a good dog and then you feel it out and you're like, we could get a Korean kid. And I'm going to get that dog now in two weeks. It's going to be the same size as this one. As Winnie? Yes. It's going to be a toy poodle. It's going to be adorable. I would want a St. Bernard, but Jim doesn't want dogs that small. I don't want something that shits...

I just don't need it. Like a little dog, I've agreed, I don't even want a dog, but I'm agreed to a small toy poodle. The thing is, I'm already- You with the poodle is fucking amazing. It's like, how gay do we have to look? Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty,

Like a Doberman. So you have different interests here, yeah. No one would fuck with me. No, I know. But the problem with it, you can't get insurance on these giant like Dobermans or fucking Rottweilers. You can't insure them. Really? But if I walk in New York with a toy poodle in Spanish Harlem, no one's going to. We live in fucking Gramercy. You're not going to go to Spanish Harlem to walk your dog. I might go for a walk.

The Spanish Harlem? That's a long walk. I've never been. Yeah. Well, then walk south. Like, go on First Avenue and walk the other way. Don't go to Spanish Harlem. Well, I'll be walking New York, and I was planning for it to be a big dog. All right. All right. I'll get a small dog. Well, don't go to Chinatown either. All right.

But yeah, no, I would not do, I would do a small dog. I've agreed to that. I've kind of like, yeah, I'm going to want that dog in a week. You, you complained and bugged me about a dog. And I'm like, I kind of agreed. I'll get a fucking dog. I'll do it. I'm my lady. One of the cat. I was against it. We have a cat. I love the cat. You love it, right? I love the cat. We were going to get a naked cat. Oh,

Oh, hairless? Yeah, but then I learned you have to put them in the sink like once or twice a week because they become like a ball sack and oil up and you have to wash and shower them continuously. And we don't need three ball sacks. No. Yeah, a third scrotum in the house is not acceptable. So yeah, a small poodle will be kind of nice. And you can get those things like you open...

It's like a thing of grass you can get. It's like this big, this big, and you can get them every couple of weeks. Do you think it's weird that I have balls? Like the fact that I'm sitting here, and I know it's in 2024. I do get that.

Is everyone like over it? The fact that I'm in a skirt and balls? Yeah. It's fine, right? It's not like, oh my God, she's sitting here with a penis. Everyone's done with that. I haven't seen your balls yet. I think if they drooped out, I'd be like, oh. No, but you still probably feel that the room has balls. Like a character with balls have entered. Yeah, I didn't think about the balls. That's true. I think about the dong. Never thought about the balls. How do you package all that in the panties? No, I don't tuck my dick. I just pull back.

Oh, you pull... You put the panty and... Because I always wear panties and then you just kind of pull the panty back instead of having like... I would never do tape. Tucking, they put tape, they put baby powder. Yeah. I mean... No, I'm not going to do a whole ordeal just to... I'd rather have kind of a bulge than kind of not a bulge and tape and terrible Gorilla Glue. Pfft.

Yeah, they do weird shit. People do weird shit. Really? Yeah. Gorilla glue sounds rough. They tape those dicks back. I asked one girl, how do you fly? And she's like, it's uncomfortable. She sits on her dick the whole time. Crazy. Do you think that I'm less of a trans person if I want to keep my balls and dick? Or does that make me just as trans? From a man's perspective. I think it's just a different sect of trans. Some people like having no dick. Some people want the dick still. I think it's a choice. So it's a different flavor. It's like when you were to animal style at In-N-Out, you know?

Yeah. Mix it up. You mix it up. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't think it matters. No. You know, if you want to get rid of it, get rid of it. Good. I'd miss you. Good burgers. Yes.

Do you prefer the whole package? 100%. Okay. That's part of what attracted you to her. Well, it was not just like, it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, sex is important, but like, I have fun with Nikki. Like, you know what I mean? It's a whole personality thing. Trying to get the whole thing in the mouth, balls included. I mean, we don't need to. Stuffy sounds.

This adopted kid's going to be fucked. Yeah, I know. Literally. Just the conversations at the dinner table over the bacon fat. But it's interesting because we are at a point in the world now where it doesn't matter that much. No, no. I look like what I look like and being in America, it's great to be trans. No one cares. Do you like being in America? You hear that? I love being in America.

Hell yeah. The most blessing, freedom, country to be transgender to for me. Thank you. Yes. Tell Twitter, will you? True. And it's also like. So it's funny that all of these trans activists are doing rallies and with the megaphone here in America when I where I feel the most liberated and I come from Norway. I know that Norway is the best country in the world. No one else has to tell me anything. No, but it really is. But being trans in America is much better.

Hey, all right. Norway is nice, but their fucking airport is from 1951. It's the best country in the world. It's not. You can't even go through the airport without almost losing all your makeup because they don't have new machines in Norway. Well, they have our...

x-ray machines from 2003 well they missed the dick maybe they do miss the deck all right so that's good yeah although they don't always miss it they that that's a true story when they stop and frisk are going through the x-ray machine uh now that you have tsa pre-check a lot of times that doesn't happen because they put you through the other machine but when you were going through the regular machine they would actually stop her because they would see it on the always have to forcefully feel my deck but i didn't mind i just

said it's okay. And I tell them I'm transgender. What do they say usually? Just we have to swap you something like they point at my crotch on the x-ray because it's red. So they point at it and I'm like

I'm transgender. It's why there's a penis. Yeah. And what do they do? Well, one woman, actually, she was like down on her knees and then it turns out to be red and she's like, what's this? As she's on her knees...

And I'm like, oh, I have a penis. I'm transgender. And she just became really weird. Oh. And she goes right up from her knees. And she's like, hold on. I'm going to get you someone else. And then you orgasm. And you're like, you have liquids. No, my heart. Yeah, go through.

My heart just sank and I was like, oh no, I hope she didn't think that I was fantasizing about getting my dick sucked when she's on the floor. I was thinking about it. Yeah, she probably didn't go that far. No, but I panicked. I'm like, oh my God, I hope it didn't seem like that. I have a dick.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, now get to it. That's how I feel in the world, to be honest, that I have a dick. Get to it. Yes. It's kind of like a mob feeling. It feels more like you happen to have a dick. Yes. It makes me feel higher then. And you kind of get the best of both worlds because you're an attractive blonde with a big haul.

You kind of got big dick energy and you get the feminine treatment. Thank you. That's a nice position. I feel like most of my followers have looked at me as a Viking queen and Valkyrie with a penis. There you go. Like Odin. But I couldn't have...

I couldn't have married somebody also that didn't speak English well just because the communication is important. Like, I forget sometimes that it's her second language. Like, we'll argue about something and she'll be like not grabbing a word. I'm like, oh, fuck. Like, I keep forgetting that English is not your first language. But isn't my English wonderful? It's good. Very good. To have learned English. Very good. I learned it online. Really? Yeah. Yes. I knew great English before I met Jim. How did you learn it?

I played video games. And you were talking to people on, wow. Oh, with the insults. You fucking tranny. Many insults. Do they know, though, or you don't tell them? If I'm a tranny. Yeah, like when you're playing, when you're doing video games. Well, usually they would know. So you say that word. Is it like the N word where you guys are allowed to say it? No, exactly. Okay. And I love that word. I love the tranny word. Do you get offended if other people say it? No, not at all. Nobody.

but I really don't. I really don't. I think it's a great word. I love the tranny word. It's a cute word. I'm here as a transsexual, trans. I just, it doesn't feel the same. Yeah, sometimes they'll say I'm a tranny. Sometimes they'll say I'm trans. It doesn't really matter to me. Yeah, I grew up, my nanny was a transvestite, which is what we called it in the 90s. Yeah. I've gotten a lot of pushback

Well, there's a difference, though. The transvestites are real people. They are. Exactly. But they're like, you don't say that word anymore. I'm like, well, what do you call them? What if it's a guy who just dressed like a woman? That is a transvestite. That's what it was. Who doesn't live as a woman, who doesn't take hormones. That's a transvestite. Thank you. And I've also seen very many cases now of people who have gone through the whole surgery and been like transgender people for their whole lives, but are now...

that I know coming back to being a boy again. So it's like, is this a mental thing? Is this a diagnosis? Is this something that should be evaluated by... How did they come back? To detransition and change the gender now to go back from a boy, but they have the vagina so now it's like a tunnel and they're still doing the transitioning now to go back. Oh no. But with the wound from the sexual reassignment. One tunnel Jews don't want to live. No.

Yeah. So that's just why I feel like trans people should be okay with being called trans, tranny, transgender. For me, I don't have a problem with it. Yeah. You got bigger fish to fry. Yeah, I don't care. I mean, look, it's one of those things where like if it's...

If it's going to get you a lot of shit, am I saying something that I care about, like where that word actually matters, then I'll say it. But it's like the N-word. It's almost like unless I'm making a point that is so strong that requires that word, it's not worth the bullshit you hear. No, it's a good like the N-word because I do feel like it is my own word trotting away. There you go. Yeah. But it doesn't offend me. I don't care. Do you feel like the media is suppressing some of the detransitioning stuff?

You know, that's a good question. I feel like they're praising the more than normal transgender people. Well, yeah, I can see that. Are they suppressing detransitioning horror stories? Yes. Probably because it doesn't go with a certain... Well, they make them look also crazy, though. Like, I feel like if you do transition, they make them look really nuts. But maybe it is. I do think that being transgender is a mental thing. And when I lived in Norway, you couldn't just get hormones if...

There's a one-year test where you have to live as female or opposite for a whole year. And if you don't succeed that, the state's not going to give you hormones. It's not like that in the United States. I don't know if they're suppressing. I don't know if they're suppressing. But why shouldn't it be like that? I don't know if they're suppressing.

pressing, but I don't read that many detransition stories, but I know there are. They're out there. People who do, so maybe they do. That's gotta be brutal. Yeah. I'm never getting the surgery just because it's like a wound, and you have to treat it as a wound. You have to put up the dilator and the pussy every single day. You don't want that. No. You don't want a fake dick. What would you do if I got a pussy? You would leave. Miss you.

No, I mean, look, I would still love you. No matter what you did like that, like it's one of those things where you still love the person, but I mean, I wouldn't want to be married. I'm also in a situation where like whatever I do, the topic trance is always going to come up, but that's just what it is. I'm fine with that. No, but sometimes you do mention it. Like we were just sitting here talking about dogs and you went, do you mind if I have balls?

No. But a lot of people should take it up that way. My balls, the balls, just makes it all very clear. It's lighthearted and fun. Yeah, but dogs don't get to choose if they lose their balls. That is a good point. Good point. But they have to or they fuck up the whole house. And just as a woman, thank God, this dog. I want a male dog because female dogs have periods, right? And they bleed all over. Don't they get their fucking... No, they do all kinds of surgery. I don't want a male dog, but our dog is going to be a transgender.

Oh, nice. Because it's going to be a male, but it's going to have a gross name. Oh, there you go. It's humiliating. Keep the balls. Yes. No, we got to get rid of the balls. She, her pronoun. We got to get rid of the balls. But I do want to do it. No, I'm not getting rid of the balls.

of the balls. Yes, you are. I'm not going to have the dog in heat all the time and fucking. I don't want that. That's true. They're very aggressive. And they're aggressive, right, if they have still a ball? Yeah, yeah. We took the cats out. You did? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're supposed. Someone in bestiality wouldn't say that. No, but we're not... Take the balls off. We're not filming a fucking porno. We have a dog that we love.

But I am actually looking forward to getting it. I had said no for years, but I'm like, I want it. PETA's calling in right now. They're upset. No, they probably want you to get the balls taken off. Yeah, probably. They do. They're like, oh, he's spaying, neutering, get the fucking nuts taken off. Easy, Bob Parker. Yeah, I know. That was his whole thing. It really was his whole thing. That was a weird little thing he had at the end. He's like grabbing the ladies on the ass. He's selling hunt days. He's got the big wheel. And he's like, by the way, cut your dog's dick off. Yeah. Pull that up.

Yeah, I miss Bob Barker. And his name was Barker, which I never put together. I never did until you just said it either. Sometimes the name is really... Yeah, it's like Anthony Weiner. It's all in the name. Yeah. Bernie Madoff. Yeah. Bernie Madoff. I never thought of that either. You never got that one? Come on. No, never. Never.

There it is. Bernie Madoff. I never caught that. Come on. Does Drew Carey keep it going? Does he say that? Oh, good question. Probably not. No. He's like, let your dogs fuck. He hated Bob Barker. He must have been a poonhound, Bob Barker. Oh, yeah.

yeah he must have been fucking those he was fucking one of them they sued too one of the models i think sued because bob boy he was a game show host of the prices right it was fucking one of them um and then she's like she felt pressured into it or something yep i remember that i don't know what happened actually with the uh lawsuit how about richard dawson he would smooch the shit out of everyone hello love yes hello love

Then he blew his brains out. No, that was Ray Combs. Oh, sorry, sorry. Richard Dawson died, but Ray Combs killed himself. Hung himself, by the way. He hung himself. I'm almost positive he hung himself. Am I incorrect about that, Matthew? I might be wrong. No, I think he bashed his head into a wall. I understand the feeling, being married. Wow. Did he hang himself or no? Yeah, that's a good question.

I thought it was a hanging. I could be wrong. 40 years is not very old. No, he was a young guy. His son was a comic. Yeah, he was. I met him. He was a nice guy. Oh, I'm just thinking of your wife. Wait a minute. What do you got here? I'm almost there. Hold on.

Yeah, that's a weird curse to Family Feud. Like, Louis Anderson had that fucked up thing. You hear about that? What? He was a... He's dead now. Yeah. He's a closeted gay. Yes. And he would... Was he closeted? Sorry. He was pretty closeted. I guess so, yeah. Because he was on, like, cartoons and Family Feud. Okay. I thought everybody knew, but... So then he was hooking up with this guy in Vegas. And then the Vegas guy was just some kind of gigolo, you know, drifter guy. And he would blow him in his van every night after a show. And then the guy was like, wait.

You're on TV? You got to give me 10 grand or I'm going to tell the media. And he's like, oh, okay, here's 10 grand. Two months later, you know what? Give me another 10 grand or I'm telling the media. After like $4 million, he eventually was like, just tell them. And he told the media. What a piece of shit. What a fucking piece of shit. Piece of garbage. But you got to, if somebody wants to out you like that, you just got to the first time go,

First of all, one person tried that with me. It was just dirty talking. And they were like, your fantasies. I'm like, everyone knows. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Oh, yeah. This is yours. I was single. I'm like, go ahead. Tell people. Right. And you've just threatened to blackmail me, you dumb fuck. Right. People are so stupid. Like, if somebody. Who was this person? Oh, it was just a person I knew. I mean, somebody I knew very briefly. Judy Gold. Yeah.

I used to jump up and grab her vag and lick it. She's like, I'm going to tell everybody that you like pussy too. That's crazy that someone said they were going to out you to the meet. Years ago. But it was somebody who probably didn't even know I was a comic. Now you are the first mainstream person, I would say, to marry a transgender. I would say so too. I would literally say so. I've looked up people in the biz who's married a transsexual.

Yeah. There's gotta be someone else. It's Jim Norton. You're the Jackie Robinson of trans. So I looked up Ray Combs. We were both right. On June 1st, 1996, he was hospitalized for banging his head against the wall. The next day, June 6th, June 2nd, 1996, he was hospitalized for banging his head against the wall.

he hung himself in that hospital with bed sheets. I wonder what was so wrong that he, like, was he just, like, was he mentally ill or was there something going on? Depression. Depression, yeah. Was he getting fired from the show? Let's see. I'd love to ask you something like, not to mention a painful thing, but like, like what drove him to do that? Yeah, like the look of the reasons for suicide money is sometimes like. He said two years earlier he was in a severe car accident where he had. There it is.

physical pain and head trauma. And I bet you you also get hooked on something too. Yes. Plus depression. How many kids do you have? How many kids? Yeah. Uh-oh. A lot of times after injuries, people get hooked on Oxycontin or whatever the fuck it is. Children, six. Six kids. Family feud. All that family feud money going right out the window. They could have two different teams. He had so many fucking kids. Yeah.

He was 40 years old. Yeah. 40! What a young guy. A lot of kids for 40. Yeah. That guy was working. That's a lot of fucking. Good for him. What were we just talking about before Ray Combs? We were just chatting about something. Mark Barker? No, no, no. Mark was...

Oh, you're the Jackie Robinson? No, before that. Oh, no. Hold on. I'm going to get it. Hold on. Dog balls. Peter Salacuse. Anything? Nothing. No, I don't remember. Ray Combs. Before Ray Combs. Oh, Louis Anderson. Yes. Blackmail. Yeah, but it wasn't even Blackmail. It was just somebody one time. I think they were probably drunk. It was very brief. Yeah. And it went away quickly. Did he ever come out before you guys? I don't think he did. And I loved Louis Anderson. He gave me my first...

One of my first real TV spot, which was the Louie Anderson show in 1997. That's how I met Dice. Changed my life. I was out there doing a seven minute clean set. He was a wonderful guy. And I was doing the Louie Anderson show and his opener was Dice's opener. So she introduced me to Andrew and he took me like furniture shopping and whatever. Anyway, being on the Louie Anderson show changed the course of my career and my life. And I met Opie and Anthony eventually. Yeah. So I love, love, love Louie Anderson. Was he an ONA?

Louis Anderson, no. No, no, no. But he was just a sweet... No one didn't like him. Yeah. And the fact that someone was blackmailing poor Louis Anderson... Did he really lose four mil out of this? I mean, I might have. It was two mil, something like that. Charlie Sheen, I think, lost a lot of money because he had said that somebody blackmailed him for millions because he had HIV. And he never really came back to world after that. He did a little bit, but not much. I think he had a series, but maybe that was done by then. But he's always been kind of like in the gray zone now. Yeah. Right? Did he ever do...

The show with you or no? Charlie? Yeah. No, I've never met Charlie. I've met Emilio and Martin. I believe Charlie Sheen is one of those last individuals who are very real. Yes, I partied. Yes, I did drugs. And what? Yeah, porn star. Martin Sheen, his father, is the nicest celebrity I've ever met. Emilio Estevez came in with him one time. Not to me, but to Sirius.

And my manager knows Emilio very well. So Emilio introduced me to his father and he's, I've never met a warmer famous person than Martin Sheen. And you know, he's a nice guy. Cause he's the guy who was always hugging trees like long before it was fashionable in Hollywood. Martin was doing it. Yeah. Yeah. He's the father.

And he was doing it long before any of these other people in Hollywood had like causes. It was Martin Sheen. What a fucking wonderful guy he is. And most of these hookers that did fuck Charlie Sheen is very proud of that to this day. Yeah, he's a cool dude. Of course. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you can't you can't be afraid of it. You just got to say, yeah, it happened. I did it. So what? Oh, yeah. Poor Louie. I didn't know you were dealing with that. Like Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels. Right. Yeah. I wish he would have just said that he fucked her.

Yeah. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. If he just said, yes, I fucked her, I would have been like. He couldn't say that, though, because his wife was pregnant at the time. Once in a while, you can't admit it. And Melania was pregnant. So there's no way for him to go like, yeah, it happened. Right. I still wish he went. I fucked Stormy Daniels. And what? Came out anyway. Yeah, his wife would have looked really bad. And that's probably why he kept denying it. I didn't do it. Do you guys think that Trump is going to win? Probably. Probably. You know, who knows? I think yes. Yeah.

The swing states, who the fuck knows? I'm not good with any of that stuff. I think most likely he will. He's up by three right now, I think. It's like when John, remember when John Edwards got a lot of shit for, his wife wasn't pregnant, she was dying of cancer. He was fucking that woman. Yeah, there's certain times you gotta say, I didn't do it, I guess. Did he deny it or did he say he did it? I think he denied it at first and then it was like, I think they always deny it at first. Just wait a week, she'll be dead. Yeah. Come on.

I think he probably was waiting and he was like, what's taking her? Yeah, what the fuck? She's responding well to therapy? All right, I'm going to go fuck the babysitter. But, you know, no, I think if your advice is always to deny at first. Man. You have to at first. You have to. I don't respect anyone that immediately admits it. Do you think that J.D. Vance is gay friendly? No.

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Not at all. No. Yeah, does he look like he supports gays? I don't think so. No, but a lot of those guys who are so anti-gay are just literally, they look like they're dying for a dick in their mouth. I just don't want anyone's religion to govern upon me. Religion should be out of the politics. What about Buttigieg? He looks like he hates gays, and I don't care what anyone says. I feel it. I feel his anti- Type in J.D. Vance. Gay. Look. Yeah, I don't know.

Buttigieg, I don't know if I like him though. He's gay, but I don't know if he's a good transportation secretary. Well, that's true. That's true. And Trump 10 years ago had a Miss Universe contest where a trans person won the contest and

And like the jury was trying to get the trans person off the board and Donald Trump goes, no, she's a winner. Whoa. When that happened and when he said that, I personally, as person to person, I go, you know what? I would vote for Trump any day, any other day. Ha ha.

And I'm not a Trump, Trump, Trump supporter. I'm just saying when he said that, I was like, oh, what a great thing to say. Can we see the trans winner? I know you got eight tabs that are going to ruin your life later. No, it's amazing. It's wonderful. What do you want?

Donald Trump said that there was a Miss Universe and a trans woman won the contest, Miss Universe. I hope you get this wrong and he actually just threw her out. No, it's 100%. He called her a pig. And then look at the Trump. He threw her into the parking lot. You're a man. You're a man. You've always been a man. Oh, yeah. She's hot. Both of them are hot. Yeah, very lovely. Miss Universe, transgender Trump. Which one is she? That is the question. Is she on the right or left? Yeah, she won. She won the whole thing. And he overruled it. Who?

He allowed it. He allowed it. He allowed it. What's her talent? Peeing in the snow? He overrules rejection of transgender beauty queen. I remember her. But this is, again, 12 years ago. 2012. 2012. He would govern, but he would govern like a person who's anti-trans, even though personally I don't think he gives a fuck. I'm just saying when he said that with his own voice, I was just like, okay. He doesn't hate gay people. I don't think he cares. Just by doing that, he did more for LGBT than Biden did. Yeah. I think he's against the blockers, though. Yeah. Yeah.

For kids. Yeah, which is understandable. For kids. Yeah. I only believe in puberty blockers for kids if you don't tell them you're doing it. Whereas the LGBT party, they want 13 and 14-year-olds to be able to do SRS with their parents' signature. SRS? Sexual reassignment surgery. Sexual reassignment surgery. How crazy is that? How do you feel like?

What age should that type of stuff be? No, I think you need a diagnosis in place first and foremost. And who diagnoses this? Like what kind of doctor? It would have to be a doctor. Like in Norway, you go to the national security, like the national hospital, and you go there and they have three people. They have a psychologist, they have an endocrinologist, and then they have a psychologist. And they all talk to each other. You said psychologist twice.

Therapists, I call them. They're chronologists. And they all do interviews with you. I think it should be like that in the States too because...

Of course being trans is a mental thing. I don't wake up every day and feel completely normal. If depression is a mental illness, how is transgender not? Of course it is. Of course it is. And I'm very fine with that. Yeah. Well, hey, welcome to comedy. Yes, we're all mentally ill and I think we should embrace that. Hear, hear. Not trying to be pure. Who's that?

So on the right here is the Miss Universe trans woman, and on the left is Donald Trump's daughter. Wow. Yes. My daughter is going to win. Yeah.

The type of woman he likes, though. That's the girl on the right that won? That's what it says. Yes, I think. She Asian? She's okay. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't say. No, she was pretty. No, not winner. She was pretty for 10 years ago. I'm looking at her. She's okay. You all sound like a bitch for saying that, but she was very pretty. It's like judging a white guy in the NBA in the 60s. Back then, it was good. Beautiful back then.

No, I don't like that. I'm so sorry. Mark, do you have a new joke about that? What? About trans in the 80s. Oh, that's an old joke, but I just say trans women look amazing now. They're so hot. It's like a video game. You're like, that looks great. But in the 90s, the graphics were rough. Yeah. It was basically Ms. Pac-Man. Yes, Jim would know. He would analyze from his niece.

Working the joystick. Yeah, there you go. Yep. Yeah, I was old school. I was in on it long before it became popular. Yeah. How do you feel about that? I feel like a lot of people will kind of like try to speak for you, but you actually, this is the life you actually live. Does it annoy you? Nah.

Like you... I mean, nobody fucks with me about it. People know that I don't care if they like it or not. So I think when people know that you don't care if they like it, there's nothing for them to push against. Because I'm not trying to force my life on people. Good point. Like we live our life. We put videos out. But none of it is this boring messaging that people are doing. We just want people to watch...

And if you enjoy us, then watch more of it. If you don't, don't. But we're not trying to teach any fucking lessons. Here, here. Like, date the person you want. That's the only lesson I would say is marry the person that you actually love. And if they're trans, this is what it looks like. It's like any other marriage. I think there needs to be a sitcom for this. Like, I think you need to make a sitcom about this. Because I see the videos and they're funny. Thank you. I think...

Everyone's pushing this thing like, you know, we need a new type of show. Well, this story's never been told before on TV. Well, the thing about us that's unappealing to people is that we're not messaging. You know what I mean? You look at people in our business that do really well. They're always going out there going, this is how you have to feel. But we're not doing that. We're just kind of... That's what I like. To me, that's way more refreshing. Yeah.

think that's how most people respond but again our business is a very weird mentality yes but no I won't I think eventually we'll wind up doing something you got to do it and do it on your own because the suits will come in and go hey we need to say this more and push that more and that's what's going to ruin it yeah I mean I don't I love our interaction the way she jokes about her dick like I would never want that not to be a part of our yeah the balls comment at a dinner with parents and stuff that's gold it's like

You don't want people afraid to talk around you. Around her, nobody's afraid to say, oh, I might say something wrong. She doesn't give a shit. That's how it should be when you're with her. Yes, hear, hear. So, yeah, we'll do something eventually as soon as somebody is interested. You're a sweet man. Thanks.

So, Jim, if it's not disrespectful in front of your wife, can you tell us about the meatpacking district in the 90s? The meatpacking district in the 90s. Not disrespectful at all. That was which is now this fucking all this influx of money ruined it. And it appeared. Oh, it used to be so great. You'd ride around at two o'clock in the morning and all the fucking trans girls were out there. It was fun. It was high dad waving dicks. Everybody was birds and dicks.

I've told this story many times, but it's where I got my fucking glasses taken. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got my fucking glasses snatched because I wouldn't pick the one girl up and I had to pretend I didn't know she was trans. Because the cop pulled me over and goes, you know, that's a fucking guy. I'm like, all right. Now my glasses. Yeah, my glasses. And the cop got my glasses back for me. Yeah, it's humiliating. He's covered in jizz. I had no idea. I thought it was strudel. I'm half blind for Pete's sake.

So what does a whore go for back in the, what is it, the 90s? Back in the early 90s, up to 2015. When did I meet you? Two days before I met her. I didn't know they were still going back then. No, they weren't. I want to say it stopped in the mid-2000s because I stopped actually going out when I started doing like a real radio show in the morning. So,

The early 2000s, I would ride around all night, listen to Joe Beningo and fucking and just look at trans girls and fucking, you know, the radio show was off the air. We got fired. So I would say back then between 20 and 50 or 80, it depend on who you were seeing. Yeah, I mean, that's that's what it cost back in those days. And I would just see like one or two regular people.

that I knew you know okay and then you get you blow them or they blow you or how does that work whatever you were in the mood for in the moment you always had to be careful of diseases yeah yeah were you ever nervous about that sure after um you know you know when you're nervous about that when the fucking car window is rolled up and you're spitting out of it and trying to fucking gargle with Lavoris like I hope hope alcohol kills AIDS laughing laughing

Yeah, because I would never marry Jim if he had AIDS or HIV. Yeah. Yeah, there's been... They always say the sweet shit. That's why I love you. Save it for the vows. But there are people who have it. There are more people that even have HIV than I think people know about. Yeah.

But I have to be honest and not to make people with HIV sad. If someone wants to have sex with me and tells me they have HIV, I'm sorry. That's pretty fair. We're not going to have sex. It's funny. The thing that wouldn't stop is not being married would stop her. It's like if they had...

But if they had AIDS out of respect for my husband, I wouldn't do it. I like that she said that like that separates her from the rest of the group. Like, you know what? I'm down fucking AIDS. I'm down to get some AIDS. But I've heard that before. And she does say it like you do say it like it's this amazing, crazy thing. Like, guys, if you had HIV, I wouldn't fuck. Eventually, that won't matter. I mean, now you can kind of handle it with medication. I have never had an STD. Really? Must be nice. Yeah. No chlamydia. No, not though. Never. Quick.

quick ones to get rid of wow well done yeah I was with a sexual partner once who had chlamydia but then he only licked my balls yeah

And I didn't get it. That's beautiful. That's awesome. Well, I jerked off. Yeah. It's crazy how many Hallmark card things she said. That's how I fell in love. I have chlamydia and I'm like, okay. And I started to like, you know, throw things around in my head. And I'm like, okay, lick my balls. Yeah. See the stud. If you don't have a tear falling down, you're not a person. Yeah.

This is all going on lifetime. Yeah, it sure is. Maybe that's why they don't want to give us a show. What we talk about. How about a little messaging? So I did know that in the moment, maybe there could have been a little lick that would have flown this way and maybe I would have gotten chlamydia, but I took a chance and I didn't. Well, the ball skin is very tough. Yeah, ball skin is very, very. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like elephant skin. Yeah. You can fucking pull it.

Remember, you do that. That's how you scratch. Anthony Cumia pointed that out. I never forgot the genius of him pointing out the pinch and roll when you have to itch your balls. The pinch and roll when you itch your balls. That's an Anthony. I didn't know about that. What does that mean? When you scratch it, you don't itch your fingernails and your balls. Oh, yeah. You kind of pinch and roll it a little bit like dough. And why is there a thing that we sniff our balls?

I do this too. I do it. It's such a fascinating scent. It's a different scent. It is, but that's like, if there's a list of things someone doesn't want to hear their wife say, that would be, that's probably number one. Ah!

But, you know, I bet if a guy was knocked out, you know, they have smelling salts. I bet if I had a jog day and I did a little taint. Oh, yeah. Dude, I did the smelling salts for the first time. Oh! Did you do that at Rogan's Club? I did, yeah. He has them, yeah. I did. I was in the green room and...

I was kind of, the coffee machine wasn't working and they were like, dude, this is smelling salt. And I was like, yeah. And I'm kind of picking everyone's brains. Sure. How to do it. And everyone's kind of like, yeah, yeah, just do it. I didn't realize you're not supposed to put it like right here. Oh, it burns. Dude, I was fucking dying. And I literally felt like the biggest pussy because Rogan, I was like, am I having an allergic reaction? He's like, no, you're fine. You're fine. How long did that last?

Too long, like a few minutes. Okay. And did it make you more alert for the set? I mean, yeah. The next couple hours I was rocking, but for a good 10 minutes, I was like, just tears just dripping out. Oh, yeah. You should hold it here and just take a little sniff, right? Did it change you, though, wavelength-wise in your brain? No.

I don't know. He can't come without smelling salts under his nose. I didn't like it, man. I was like... It's hell. When we did the Burt fully loaded thing and the ice bath, I was like, that I fucking like. Yeah. Yeah, that was cool. Did it make you feel like awake or like did it heal? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but this shit, the smelling salts... Stinks. How long did you do it for, the ice bath? I never tried that.

I'd do like a minute. That's not bad. That's impressive. Well, Bert was doing like three. Three minutes is pretty much the standard. There was this place in Norway we went to where they have the ice, the plunge, and we could each do it for like 10 seconds. I can't do it anymore. It's freezing. I mean, it's freezing. I go in front of it. But you feel awesome after it? Yeah, you feel good that you did. How long would you say? A minute. Wow. That's not true.

She just lied. She doesn't do it for a minute. She does it for as long as I do, which is about 10 seconds. That's what I can do. 30 seconds. You did it longer than me, but not by much. But the ice bath is the closest you come to losing a dick. Everything. It's gone. Yeah, I mean, her shrivel's down to six.

I don't think I could sit there. If they were sponsoring me, I probably could. But like Joe will sit there for three minutes. If they sponsored. Yeah, of course. If they wanted to pay us on the podcast. Sure, I'd be delighted to sit there for three minutes and then just cut it real quick. They're still fucking cool though. Apparently the health benefits are great. Unless you have a heart attack. That's true. No, it makes you feel Russian doing it.

There you go. There's also cryotherapy, which everyone was high on for a while, and everybody kind of stopped talking about cryotherapy. What's that? My wife does that. She cries for hours. I'll tell you. She's all right. Yeah, I'll tell you. What is that? Cryotherapy. They're doing like IV bars and stuff now, where you can go in and just get like a fast IV. That's a great idea.

Injection. Vitamin B and stuff. I do that stuff sometimes. Does it work? Oh, yeah. If I'm just kicking a cold or I'm starting to get one, I'll... Vitamin B? Or do you see? Or do you use? Just an immune boost. Save a thing. Yeah, vitamin B, vitamin C. Who do you call for that? Doctor or nurse comes over? I got a person whose number I can give you. And you do the IV, right? Yeah. I love that. Very rarely, but if I have...

I think it's new and upcoming here. Wow. And also, I think I've noticed you Americans do is that you started to snooze. Yeah. Which is so weird for me to watch as a Norwegian because no one knew about this other than the Scandinavians. Um,

Snooze? What's the brand called? Zinn. Zinn. And it's so popular now. And everyone did that in Norway since I was five years old. So I'm just. But it's just nicotine. It's not tobacco. Yes, but it's very interesting. Is it nicotine? I think it's nicotine. This is Scandinavian.

This is what we're built upon. Baseball players, they all had like fucking cancer in their mouth. Of course, that's disgusting. This is very Scandinavian, so I'm taking notes. Interesting. That chew and that fucking spit it out. I can't believe it made it to America though. Oh yeah, it's huge now. All the frat guys are doing it. For the last two, three years, it's been huge, right? Yeah, I tried. I couldn't get it. So nasty. That is kind of fucking disgusting. It's like Norton after a visit on the West Side Highway.

I was like, oh, a lot on that one. And the best is when I reverse the tape, it goes in. Oh,

Oh, man. What does that IV go for? $250? Around. It's so expensive. Yeah. But I just want to... It's worth it. What is your health worth when you're trying to do a fucking performance? I want to give a good show. Yeah. Sure. But you do feel like the elite. Yes. Even the place, though. Your whole body is proper. Yes. You're ready to conquer the world. You're full of vitamins. You don't really give a shit. I know I for sure wouldn't. Do they come to you? Yeah. Yeah, that's even better.

I want to try it. They're nice. They come to your apartment. We've been doing this sea moss. The who? Sea moss. Oh, yeah. We've been eating sea moss. It's this thing that was on Shark Tank and this trainer I know does it. It's actually not bad. It flavored sea moss where it takes like a month and a half, two months to get it because they harvest it and they put like, elderberry is the flavor I like. Elderberry.

But it's really good and the health benefits supposed to be pretty intense save that I want to remember yeah, see you see more super food Yeah, and you do this like a vitamin or what do you do kind of you take like a spoonful a spoonful two spoonfuls? I take one in water or what I just put out of the jar. Oh, yeah, honey texture. It's jelly a gel It's kind of like a different like flavor weird. Oh

But I think there's no sugar in it. Like, however they flavor it, it's not sugar. Wasn't it like an MMA guy who put you on that? Yeah, yeah. He's one of the, I've taken jujitsu for a while. He's one of the guys at the, one of the trainers at the gym. Oh, dude, I don't know if I've mentioned this in the pod. Stop me if I have, but there's this app called Yuka. Y-U-K-A. Have I told you this? Yeah. Oh, dude, it's, you just, you scan stuff in the grocery store, the barcode, it tells you if it's got, like, hazardous. Oh.

Yeah, like, what are they called? Like, it'll be like ranked zero to 100. So it'll be like, you know, you want 70 and up. But some shit, it's amazing. Some stuff. Preservatives and additives and stuff. Oh, yeah. Some harmful additives. You did the QR code. Yeah, you do the, you do the, yeah, just what they scan in the grocery store. So wait, 70, the higher is better?

Yeah, you want it to be like 90. You get like a Greek yogurt, no sugar, it'll be like 94. But then some milks you think are good, it's just all bullshit. Wow. Even if the ones that are low sugar, it'll be like 42. And I'm like, oh shit, I drink this every day. Can you check, can you say I want to look for things, like I want no sugar, or I want no this, or I want no that, and have it narrow that stuff down? Or does it just give you one thing? I think it can give you alts. I think it can give you, but yeah, you got to pay for it. I just do the free one, but it's...

Dude, you just find stuff that you're like, this is better for you. It's crazy. Yeah, I'm trying to get less sugar and stuff. I'm fucking fat now or fatter because of the food. She can eat whatever she wants and not put weight on it, and I can't. So I'm just a fucking granola-eating pig. Comics have come a long way. In the 80s, it was like, you want to get paid in Coke or cash? Have you tried Yucca? It's so true.

Yeah, but I've taken my risks, though. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, the fact that I'm still here and not withering away. It's amazing I can put weight on considering the things I've done sexually. Yeah, it should be a blessing, I guess. Right, right. I just want to eat healthy because I don't want to stop drinking alcohol. Same, same. Right. Do you drink before you go on? Like, I could never get drunk before. No, especially not in the city. But, like, on the road, if it's a late show, I'll have a drink. And then maybe, you know, it's kind of like a reward, like, afterwards, you know?

Have you ever felt like... Because I've seen... We've all seen videos of guys who drink to... Have you ever had a couple and go like, oh, fuck, I can't perform? Totally. You have, right? And that's why I don't do it anymore. Yeah. Because it totally fucks you up. And you're slower. You got to be sharp. Once you... You think the booze will help you. It'll make you like Doug Stanhope and you're, you know...

waxing poetic up there and you're romantic with the scotch but it's all shit yeah all of a sudden you're like you fuckers don't care yeah exactly I've definitely felt like slower I slow down you do right yeah but how about coke or something wouldn't coke make you faster I've done it on Adderall before and boy I was on fire I was zipping were you great yeah I was killer comics used to do cocaine oh yeah oh

Like you think Bernie Mac did cocaine? I don't know. William. Robin did a lot of coke, yeah. Pryor. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. No, that's not. By the way, anyone that doubts that's a woman, that's the reaction. That's the reaction to a fart.

That's a clip. That was perfect. Send that to J.D. Vance. Wow. Okay. Well, we did 20 minutes on ball licking, but that toot, that was over the line. Absolutely. What do you eat that you're always farting like that? I don't know. Because I'd like to have it. Good question. We went to a diner today. I had a salad and a waffle.

I don't want to know. But your body is very, it's getting rid of the toxins. Yes. Great thing. Hear, hear. Farting like that is very healthy. Do you guys, other than that, do you have any peeves? Interesting thing. Oh, I wrote one down, actually. We do this thing called peeves. Peeves? Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one. What I don't like. Okay, you start. Well.

I don't know why I'm dictating how your podcast goes. Fuck me. Sorry, go ahead. You have a drink. Jim's pet peeve is vaginas on a woman. No, I had this at an airport. What was that? Gender strike? What was that thing called? Crowd strike. Crowd strike.

You saw that where all the IT went down? Yes. Like this week. This week on Friday. I flew that day. It was not a fun day. Brutal. Newark was insane. That's where I flew in. Dude, I landed. Everyone, I couldn't get out because the whole walkway was just packed with people. Yes. It was insane. Thank God I landed. Yeah. I know. I took off on the day of and all my flights got canceled. The connection got canceled.

So I'm at the United counter like, what do I do? I got to make this flight by five. And I was like, I missed my connection already. And then the lady does the typing behind the computer. And I hate the typing. And she goes, oh, you're going to miss your connection. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I just told you that. I hate when you tell them your problem and then they realize it and they repeat your problem. Shows you that they're not listening. Yes. Did you miss the gig? No, I made it. But I flew to Minneapolis and drove four hours, rented a car. So I made it.

An hour late, we had to push the show back, but it worked out. Were you with anyone or were you doing it solo? I was solo. Well, I had an opener who was living there. Where was the gig? Sioux Falls. What time were you supposed to? I'm fascinated with you two because you both fly day of gig. Yeah. I can't do it. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for San Diego. My gig is Thursday because I take a drive. I mean, I can't. That's also a nice city to kill a night. That's true. I guess San Diego is nice. Yeah, it's a Comic-Con. He's not living it up at night. You're not going out and having a...

Sure I am. Come on. Would I have a cappuccino?

Never party-sitting with Jim. No, it's not. No, but even during the day, he could kill the day. That's true. That's true. Okay, never mind. Just lollygagging with my fucking blubber hanging over. Yes. When Jim made it, he made his way of being to be like slow steakhouse, elegant, gently man. I like that. Gentleman, yeah. That's exactly. Very gently man-ish. Okay. Gentleman-ish.

Yeah, they're all like, who's that make-a-wish in the booth over there eating alone, all black? Wait, but on the road, you guys, what time was your flight supposed to be for an 8 o'clock gig? What time was your original flight? It was a 7 o'clock gig in a theater, and it was an 8 a.m. flight connecting in Chicago. Then that flight was a layover. Then I landed at 2.50. Oh, that's reasonable. Okay. That's a brutal fucking flight.

It was a brutal day. To wake up at what, like six? Yes. That's not fun. And you drove four hours. Oof. Yeah, and we had to push the show to nine instead of seven because I was late. But we had to contact the whole audience. It was a bit. And when you guys do comedy as a comedian, do you sometimes go to the places that are just shit? Where you have to stay in a motel where there's no nice hotels? Everywhere's got a decent hotel now. There's always something, yeah. But I've been with him on the road and they don't have decent hotels. I mean, I'm talking like...

Her Majesty is talking. No, no, I don't even mean Marriott. I mean, like, not even that. Like a real motel motel. Like a red roof. Yeah, I mean, we've all done it. Like a biker's. I didn't find that fun. That was one place, and that was in New Hampshire. No, it's been many times. She's very spoiled. No, I'm not spoiled. Oh, I can't stay here. There's not towels in the bathroom to wash your hands with. Yeah, it's very, she's very spoiled. But that was a shock, and that's why I don't go with him on the road anymore. Oh, smart move. You went with the shitty motel. Oh, yeah, I'm like, ah, wow, look at the bed bugs. Stays home, and now I'm in a Ritz.

Genius. No, it's... I try to land early, but yeah, dude, the power outage is like, what the fuck? I know. We don't know what's going to happen. I'm doing a gig with Nemesh...

Chris D and Jordan Jensen and she texts me she's like I'm landing at 3 I go I wouldn't do that and she's like really so now she's landing at like 8am I'm like we didn't have to over correct that much no I go in the night before because I hate to stress I think in 34 years maybe I've missed one or two gigs like I don't ever miss gigs but I'm so paranoid about it

that i fly in the day before because i don't like to stress i like to drive overnight to the next gig like you know you got the way you like to do this yeah a way that makes it uh tolerable i hear you yeah it stresses you out i get it look missing gigs sucks it's the worst in all of us yeah i hate losing a day i don't want to lose a day of my life alone no you're right you're right but you can't i can't sleep the night before like i'm always wide awake it was just with me to norway for a funeral

Oh, wow. And in that moment, I realized that although he's my husband, in this moment, coming with me to my dear grandpapa died. My grandfather. And he came to my funeral, and I told myself in that moment that this is my real husband, and this is my real family.

Although he's not in my family because he came with me to the funeral and we was on the plane and it had a terrible turbulence. I'll never fly again. Whoa. Yes, you will. No, I'm telling you. I'm not going to fly for another year. And I mean it. And I'm not airplane scared at all. But that turbulence was enough to put me in a graft.

Where I don't think I'm... This was one of those ones where it actually lifted up and it was like you plummeted and the flight attendant fell. People were screaming. I realized I didn't know I was screaming because I'm like, I didn't hear screaming because I was holding the seat going...

I didn't realize I was doing that. I asked the flight attendant, was this bad? And she's like, it's the worst turbulence I've had in 40 years. In 40 years. She said she's never hit it. Yeah. For 10 seconds, it was like I thought I was going to die. I always think of Jim because...

the worst flight of my life probably was flying to Rochester and I saw you the night before and you go, oh, you fly in there? I said, yeah. He goes, ooh, I hate that flight. I always drive and I'm on with Gary Veeder and for whatever reason, it's like, first off, we're supposed to sit together but some woman just like, we booked together but someone was like, no, that's my seat and I was like, it's a 40-minute flight. Who gives a shit? So, you know, we hated this woman but we're like, whatever, 40 minutes. Of course.

As we're landing, like, it's just shaking, so it's too windy to land, so the guy just fucking top guns it and just belts back up. Oh, my God. Is this guy going to, like, German wings us? Is this, like, a fucking depressed pilot? Sully. So we're looking, and the woman behind us is just like, ah! Ah!

And we're just looking at her like, fuck this woman. We hate her. It's the only joy we're getting. She's suffering. At least if you crash, you know she's dead. But we're looking at each other. After that, we're just like, what the fuck? I don't know. And then after 10 minutes, he goes, sorry, I couldn't land in that wind. I had to make something happen. We're like, make something happen? What the fuck? That would scare the shit out of me. But the guy picking us up goes, oh my god, some plane just top gunned it. I was like, that was us. Whoa.

Yeah, it's very hard from Comedy of the Carlson. Well, Jim's a bottom gun. Somebody died in turbulence like a month ago. Did you see that? It was in the news. They probably either had a heart attack. I'm going to guess it was a heart attack or they banged their head. The news sites always put that up, but it's never the turbulence unless they broke the neck. Well, it was very scary and it's going to take me a while. That was scary. That was legit scary. Yeah. Like that was a plummet. It is good. There's certain. Yeah, you see it on the news too. The guy ended up in the overhead.

Oh, yeah. His little feet hanging out. It was fucking hilarious. Singapore. That was it. Traveling from London to Singapore hit severe turbulence. A man in his 70s was killed. One passenger says anyone not wearing a seatbelt was launched immediately, including the cabin crew. That's way worse than we hit. Really? Yeah.

Or it was longer. No, but I mean... There were things scattered everywhere, but people flew up to the ceiling. Whoa! Yeah. It was bad. And it was such a rollercoaster feeling that you can't control yourself. I couldn't control myself as a human because of the gravity. So I knew that the pilots were startled.

She thought they were scared. Of course they were startled. And he doesn't think they were scared at all. They weren't. I think the pilots of that Norwegian flight were extremely scared. They weren't though. Of course they were. You want to fly with a pilot who hits turbulence? Of course they were. Because your body is out of gravity control. Yeah. You wouldn't be scared. People go on roller coasters and not scared. I'm just saying they were scared, Jim. All right. I don't believe it. Damn. So Jim, do you have a peeve? You had one earlier. Yes. When my wife insists on the emotions of pilots. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Do I have a peeve? What's a peeve? A pet peeve. We're putting you on the spot. No, no. We all have them. I'm trying to think of one. I got one if you can't think of one. This happened last week. I was in Austin. I had to go to Nashville for a night. And I did those guys Bustin' with the Boys podcast. Great guys. They end up saying, we're going to a Post Malone show. Do you want to go? I go, fuck it. I got a night to kill. I'll go to the show.

I run into DeRosa. I run into Shane Gillis. A bunch of people are chilling there. It turns into, you know how it is with, it's bad enough with just DeRosa, but Shane Gillis too. Trying to get, it's like a video game. Try not to get blackout drunk. Yeah. Trying to walk around them. The peeve is being 40 plus and being like, do a shot. Yeah. That's a fucking peeve.

And then it leads into my rack, which is the fucking Irish exit. I love an Irish exit. Irish exit. And guess what? They're so fucked up. No one notices. No one's offended when you Irish exit when they're blackout alcoholics. And they're so hung over the next day. They're not going to be like, you fucking asshole. They're worried about their own shit. Yeah. Irish exit has something to do with being drunk.

Yes, because they drink a lot. Yeah, that you slip out and no one notices. Well, dude, I was with Taylor and Will from the Bustin' with the Boys podcast, and they were all like, let's, like, we knew we were running into Shane already, so they know Shane, they know DeRosa, and they're like, let's all make a pact not to drink. And I was like, I'm in, dude, we'll be good. I was already hungover from Kill Tony the night before, and I was like, I'm down, let's not...

Taylor leaves. He comes back. We're both holding Bud Lights. I'm like, they're cold. I don't know. We already bailed, but I only did a couple. I was like, I got out of there. What was the show? Post Malone. How was it? It was awesome. He brought out all these other guests. It was like Blake Shelton. Oh, wow. He brought out. It was a small show for Bud Light put together. He did a song with Ozzy.

It was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then he brought out people I didn't know, some woman, and they did Johnny Cash Jackson together duet. It was killer. They did a really good show. Comedy and music is really melding. It's like Jelly Rolls at a show or Post Malone. They all do Kill Tony. What's it, Gary Clark Jr. is always at the mothership.

It's coming together. I never have musicians at my shows. I've had none of those great stories. You've been with Ozzy. I am. Yeah, that is true. But he's never been at one of my shows. But I am friends with Ozzy. I don't believe that. I saw you on fucking Gene Simmons roast. Oh, I forgot about that. You have better stories than any of us. I tell this to Jim all the time whenever he feels down. I'm like, Jim, you live the fucking life.

life. You've been around all these people. You're a fucking legend. Why would you even look at yourself this way? You've done it and you should love it that you've done it. Here's my one big celebrity in the room story. Ice-T was at a show that I completely bombed at.

It was that fucking in Vegas. It was the Jeff Beecher show. Do you guys ever do a Beecher show? It was a crazy show. It brought in all these celebrities and interesting people, and it would be like a sword swallower. I'm backing into it. All right, all right. Too easy. But like jugglers and crazy, and Bobby Kelly went on and fucking killed, and I went on and fucking nosedoped. All right.

What a bad set. Right. Front row. Yeah, that was rough. Damn. That was rough. Were you around when comics used to open up for rock acts?

They still do, but not as much. But yeah, no, not necessarily. Like, you know, Jim Florentine does, Brewer does. But yeah. Tom Dreesen used to open for Sinatra. Yeah, like that type stuff. And John Panette used to open for Sinatra. Really? Yeah, John Panette. Wow, what a combo. Is my husband the oldest in the room? Definitely. Yes, yes.

That'd be my pet peeve. Matthew, you are 45? I mean, I'm close to that. Yeah. She never understands how people age. Are you protecting your age? I am. People are ageist. People. Someone asked me the other day, they're like, how old are you? I was like, I've seen older. People hate mentioning their age. And I tell her, like, people don't like that. And she's like, oh, okay. And then she'll be like, there's still somebody else. There was this female comic one time, and she was 40. And I thought she looked so Lolita. I thought she was like 25.

And I ask her, how old are you? And she's like, I'm 40. And I'm like, oh, my God, you're 40? And then there's a comic that's going to start before her. And I'm like, she's 40. Can you believe it? And he goes, oh, my God, she's 40? Yeah, and they were, like, staying with her, and they had no idea how old she was. I didn't realize they had broke girl code, because I'm not supposed to say that. And I should know girl code better than that. Right, right.

Damn. Mickey Glazer. But you are 40, so suck it up. I know why you're worried about people being ageist, but Matt is a great photographer. Yes, he is. Hire Matt at Salacuse on Instagram slide, and he's so good. And I know that's why you're worried, because it's like young people coming into the... Yeah. Matt's great. You've done video stuff with us. Oh, there you go. Oh, I wish it were true. Yeah, hire Matt.

Matt did that. You did that one, right? The Sam? Yeah. Maybe you could do... I don't have any pictures for my tour. Again, I got fat, so I don't want to do pictures. You need to do a headshot. I do need a new headshot. Yeah. Do it together. Two of you. Yeah, we need something together, but I also need a solo one for my gigs. Yeah, we can't get pregnant. Men can't get pregnant. Oh!

But yeah, we should do something else. There we go. We got a gig. Yeah, Matt's very good. He's a great videographer as well. Yeah, well, we're on the fence on that. No, no, he's great. He's shot a ton of my stuff too. Yeah. Same here. No, definitely use him. Yeah, we just got to get somebody regular. It's hard to find a consistent person. That's why we haven't podcasted in a few weeks. Well, we had a woman who used to shoot everything we did, and now we just kind of re-

shuffling through people. She went back to school and so like, we're trying to, you know. Yeah, she had a life change but it's not that easy once you're settled with someone to then proceed with someone new. Yeah, it's difficult because you meet people and you're like, nah, they're not right. That person's not right. We've shuffled through like six people. Yeah. You're in a transitional period. Yep. For sure. Yeah, the second they walk in, she's like, my ball's bothering you and they're like, we can't. Yeah,

These balls could talk. Do you do the studio in your apartment? No, we do. We've done here. We've done, not in your room, but we've done. Great producer over here. I know. He did one episode for us. It was like, I think the last one we shot actually. We could set up something. But no, in the apartment it's too difficult.

because we don't have the room and the soundproofing and stuff that you need for great audio. Right. It would just be putting it up and taking it down would suck. So we got to find like a regular place and somebody who can get us guests and you know, it's a whole thing. Yeah, it's a job. It's a fucking job. It's a lot of work. How many do you guys tape a day?

Two, usually. Yeah, one or two, but like, you know, a little buzz from that. Do you ever miss weeks or no? Yeah, yeah. That's why we do it. Do you ever not release on a week? No, I have to release. Consistency is key, sadly, so you've got to stay on it. One of us will be gone for a week, so that's why we double up some days. Yeah, if you want to Europe, I'll go to Australia, you know, things happen. When's Australia? No, I'm saying you're going. I'm not going to Australia. I went there in November. Oh, there you go. How long?

Dude, I did the shortest Aussie tour ever. I did like eight days or something. Ah, okay. How was it? Awesome. But I just was like, I was on the road so hard last year. I was like, let me just fucking, I'll get like a day off here. I had like two, I think

I think I had a day off in Melbourne and a day off in one other one. I like a nice day. I like a trip of leisure. I do. A gentleman's trip. Melbourne's so cool. I mean, like, Australia is incredible. Did you see the Bon Scott thing in Melbourne? They have a Bon Scott mural, and it just looks nothing like Bon Scott. Like, it's really not good artwork. Remember that Lucille Ball thing? Pull up that Lucille Ball thing.

the worst fucking statue they made of her ever. She was a tough interview, by the way. I never met her. I saw her on Carson and she would come in and go, well, you know, and like all over. Are you saying she's a bitch or no? Not a bitch, but her jokes would bomb. Look at that awful one. Oh, wow. It looks like Andy Griffith or whatever. Holy shit. It does look like Andy Griffith.

Looked like someone did it on meth. She was an attractive woman, though. That's fucking interesting. She was very fuckable. She looks like Zira from Planet of the Apes. Oh, yeah. I could see that. Yeah. No, that's not good. That's not a good Lucille Ball. Yeah. More like Bon Scott. She really does. Holy shit. He's in bulge on him, though. They gave him that. Bon? No, but in real life, Bon had a bulge. Oh, okay. What? What did my awkward wife say? So manly.

Yeah, they really did. Bon Scott's bulge was legit. Okay. Watch a whole lot of Rosie when you get time. They did a live version of it. When did he pass? No, that was Tom Jones who had the bulge. No, it was Bon Scott. Yes, he did too. Tom Jones. And Tom Jones was a great musician, but even his words wouldn't lure me into that bulge. Really? No. Bon's been dead since 1980. He's alive. Alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 80-something.

Yeah, he was great. He got a lot of ladies. Oh, my God, yeah. Tom Jones, yes. Hotel Key. Yeah, he had a fucking, Bon Scott had a legit bulge. Bruce Dickinson. We were talking about this on Jim and Sam recently. I don't know why it comes up. It's fun to talk about. It is fun to talk about. We respect it.

Yeah. Lisa Ann said John Sally is the biggest she's ever seen in her life. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Troy Piston, right? Yeah. Not surprising, though. No. 6'6", 6'9", whatever he is. Giant cock. He's fun. He's a fun guy, too. I think more than that. More than 9 inches, yeah. Wow.

More than nine. If Lisa Ann said it's the biggest she's ever seen, she's one of the biggest porn stars in the world. Wow, that's genuine. Danny D's 12. Danny... Danny D? Who's that? He's a British porn star. Oh. Skinny guy, like unassuming, tall, skinny guy. Huge hog. It's insured. That's how big his hog is. What does that mean? Wow. How do you insure a dick? Well, he's scared of breaking it, so he wants to keep it in check. Is he a porn star? Yeah.

black guy white guy white guy it's all any d you never heard of danny d i don't really watch how much porn anymore honestly i don't know who he is yeah put a wig on him you don't like him sorry what'd you say that was fucking good he's insured it i don't know i don't know the details oh yeah he's got a little uh little wet spot yeah i just i would never fuck him i'm sorry really i don't think i don't think that's hot at all i

I don't think he has any percent of sex appeal. For me as a young person, he would never get to fuck me. Never. I would never let him fuck me. You take very odd standards. It doesn't matter how much I don't like a guy with AIDS and I wouldn't fuck Bon Scott. He is just not fucking sexy. Two things you don't like, AIDS and Bon Scott. That is not sexy. So you wouldn't fuck Magic Johnson? No, I wouldn't fuck Magic Johnson. Oh, thank you.

No MJ, huh? Thank you, sir. No. A little water?

There you go. What is not sexy about him and what is sexy about Jim? I mean, that really is what I'm wondering too. I love mature men. This is true. Okay. 40 plus. Perfect. And Jim kind of... It took me a while to learn Jim. Meaning when I first met him, I thought he would have an awful shriveled up penis. Yeah. No foreskin. Just like...

Weird. I don't know. Just like a really weird cock. But then when I sucked you, you did actually have a nice dick. See, that's the stuff. That's the stuff. That's the stuff about... I think the more time we spent together... When I sucked you. The more we got to learn each other. Because if you had a terrible cock...

I don't know if I could deal with that. You didn't say the first time I saw you. The first time I sucked you. Well, I sucked you the first day I saw. I know you did. No, but we were in Oslo and the first thing we did was that we went to a hotel and I sucked his dick and vice versa. I hate that there was a champagne sip after that. After that, a toast, ladies and gentlemen, to my cocksucker husband.

And Jim really taught me to believe in myself. Oh, really? Yeah. That's one thing I'm good for. Maybe open with that at the Vows. The first time I sucked you. I realized you had a better dick than most. Thank you. This is true. Jim Norton has a better cock than most. Most? It's really true. This is true. And I've been with huge cocks. Oh, really? Huge. Always good to add that. Yay!

Jim has been wonderful. That's always a helpful parenthetical. But you're on Mars, you said. You're up there. I'm very open about our sex and I think more people should be. It's like when you're like a normal wife and you're like, I'm not going to talk about my sex life. I'm like, what a fucking, you've failed in life. I agree. Completely failed in life just to keep your facade up. Yes, I sucked his dick and vice versa. And it was great. Did you go in the pooper?

How's that work? Well, we don't do that much anal, actually. Oh, really? It's mostly mouth fucking. Huh. Yeah. No, but this is true. I've done a lot of anal in my life, but it hasn't been so much with Jen. Again, you could have quit while you were ahead there. Yeah, but it just... It's complete. Yeah.

Yes. So I remember the first time I did anal, it really was like breaking your virginity because it really hurts, at least for me the first time. John Sally. And, um...

Yeah, we didn't do that much anal. Not really, no. A lot of people probably think we do a lot of anal, but it's mostly... And some things you could just say like, well, we... Jim being fucked in mouth. Or her sucking my dick. I suck your dick. Yeah, you do. Thanks. I'm a professional at sucking penis. You are. I mean, yeah. Great cock sucker. Yeah. Two champagnes in. This is when the information starts to spill. Keep it coming. If you marry somebody trans, never give them two champagnes and then say, so what is sex like?

First time I sucked your dick, honey. No, I don't care. Well, it's hard to beat a good BJ. Like a great BJ. Is amazing. It's pretty good. Sometimes better than sex. But like, why wouldn't most people want just a blowjob? Because if you're in a gay relationship, right? Like I consider trans. If you're fucking someone who's trans, you're in a gay relationship. I look at it that way. If you fuck them in the ass, why wouldn't you just be fine with a little dick sucking? Because then you don't have to deal with the mess. Yeah.

The not eating. Right. You can just get your cock sucked and it feels just as good. Yeah, there's nothing worse. You want to cum and you also want some beef stroganoff. There you go. No, but I think we both enjoy being fucked every now and then. I can't take being fucked. I can't take being fucked. Every now and then. No, I cannot.

I cannot. What about a pinky or something? Oh, delightful. Sure. More than welcome. A hint is fine, but yeah. A hint of a pinky. I've seen the pegging videos. I'm like, that looks rough. Which ones? The pegging videos. I could never take that. My ex-girlfriend was a dominatrix.

And she tried to... And she was probably sexually more hardcore than I am. I'm very vanilla. Very dirty. Yeah, she's very, very normal. My ex was very, very dirty. And she tried to fuck me with a strap on. And I got like that much in. And I'm like, oh, I got shit. And I ran to the bathroom. And she's knocking on the door. Are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just can't. I was ashamed. I wanted to do it. But I just couldn't. My body wouldn't. But.

Body doesn't take it. Well, we have friends who need to get pegged. Yeah. Really? Guys? Yeah, you know them. Every single man that I've been with, every single male has wanted to get fucked or suck my dick. Wait, but I want to know who the guy who gets pegged is. I'll tell you off air. Off air. Yeah. Do I know him? Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. Like every single guy that I've been with and I've been with a few guys, not that many, but they all pretend like they want, oh, your ass and your sexy booty. But it's all they all want to suck my dick. They all want to get fucked. They all show their ass. This is true. Have you ever had somebody show their ass on video and you didn't like it? Yes.

I don't like hairy asses. Man ass stuff. I'm sorry. It's like a man hole and I don't like that. It's awful. Now, have you banged some ladies? I've never touched a vagina. Whoa, Sam either. I've never. And I've got a hairy asshole. I'm out. Do you really? Oh, yeah.

Not horrible, but yeah, I've got some hair. I'm 27 now, so I'm at like a change in life where it's like I've tried the penis, gotten pretty used to the cock and the balls. I would like to watch you fucking woman. Maybe a vagina could be in place, but it would, I don't know. That would suck though if she really liked it. Yeah. Then I'd be on the outs. Bye, Jim. Yeah.

They're very nice. Yeah, pussy's awesome, dude. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah, sure. Maybe I would just be like robotically fucking the pussy. Yeah. Because it feels great. It does feel good. After leaving gym. Also, I think your biology kicks in where you're like. Exactly, because I was born a male. Exactly. So to death I come. Right. Yeah, I'll be like, wow, that looks really great. Get out of here, you fag. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Well, this is a... We got to get some more champagne in here. Yeah. I really want to know who gets... Tell me after who gets pegged. I'll pretend I didn't know it was DeRosa. I want you to do the thing Bruno did. Ha ha ha.

Just put it in. Yeah, right. We'll plug the podcast and say we're going to be on the road. Yeah, where are you going? I got, by the time this airs, I'll have already gone for this weekend. So I just got a bunch of, I'm doing Montana for the first time, Vegas, Tampa. I got a gig in New Jersey. I got Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. And I got Chicago in December. Hell yeah. And then the podcast is called Sword Fight.

But we have to do an episode We haven't done an episode In probably four weeks Because again There was a death in her family And she was away And then we were away together So And we put videos up On Nikki and Jim NYC On YouTube Which is just our life This death has made us closer

Family value like I'm much closer to Jim now after he attended I'm gonna listen dude I'm pumped to listen to this and also go see Jim on the road one of the best and also you know that but also the new hour is so fucking good so funny yeah I wanna shoot it within the next four months I wanna get shot the view hell yeah thank you guys great stuff anything Nick you wanna plug the pod or anything

Swerdfight, Jim Norton on Instagram. And Miss Nikki Norton on Instagram. I first met you backstage at, was it Joe's Club? I think so. Yeah, maybe. I think at Joe's Club for Birds Festival. Yes. I first met you. Yes, and on the boat. It's a pleasure to be here, and thank you for having me. Thanks for coming in. My pleasure. This was a great time. Sam O? Oh, yeah, I'm all over. Oh, sorry. I don't know when this comes up. August 11th. August 11th.

So we'll be in Anaheim, California, Thousand Oaks, Reading, PA, Red Bank, Guadalajara, going to Mexico City. Yeah, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, St. Louis, Atlanta, Vancouver, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, and London, Ontario, and Toronto to name a few. What do you got there, Harry? I'll be in Baltimore August 15th through 17th, and I got New Brunswick. I'm doing Stress Factory the 22nd through the 24th.

then uh yeah Niagara Falls Ontario Niagara Falls Ontario and then I'm off to Europe London Belfast Dublin Paris Amsterdam we added a show there so uh Copenhagen Oslo and Norway Stockholm I will be there yes uh samorel.com watch the special on Amazon you've changed samorel and uh

Bodega Cat. Get the whiskey. We're sold out. It should be back by now. Yeah! Hopefully we're back in the next couple days. That's great. It's cooking, baby. Bodega Cat. All right. Thanks, folks. Thanks for listening, guys. Thank you very much for having us. Great episode. Great stuff. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit up in post. Down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cuss. Feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't remember her.

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