Ep 178: Cinco de Gringo
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Happy Cinco de Mayo. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

If the outfit doesn't get us in trouble, that will. So, Ian Fidance. Yes. New special on YouTube. Wild, happy, and free. I love Ian. Thank you. I love you. I brought you guys little gifts. They're matchbooks with my special on it and my little Ghostbuster logo. I love it. Yes. Are you a Ghost fan? Big fan. Me too. Big, big. The intro to my special is a remake of the first call they got in the movie. Oh.

I had access to the car, the firehouse, everything. How'd you get that? Pull that up. Yeah. Can we see that? I got to see that. The one in Tribeca? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Booking Ladder 8. It's a real firehouse. Yep. And... Yep, here it is. Oh, boy. Oh, no. We can't afford the premium. One day, we'll get there. This beer is fucking good. What is this? Okay, we got an animated... Blue Moon. This is great. Oh, the orange. I'm an idiot. You have? Okay, thank you. We got one!

Oh, that was Annie Potts. Yes, but voiced by my gay, butch-dyke cousin, Sherry. Nice. Whoa. Whoa. The car. Uh-huh. Ectomobile. And it's got my little dumb logo on it. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Oh, dude, I love that. How'd you do that? The double door. Hey, anybody call about a joke? Wee.

Wow. Yeah, and then Jordan intros me, which is nice. And at the end, I... Ladies and gentlemen, Ian Bass! All right, well, we don't need to see the bombing, but...

This is great. The end, I got a standing ovation. I stage dived. So then we added later guys throwing me out of the venue into a pile of trash. And Attell pops up and goes, welcome to YouTube. It was like such a perfect icing on the cake. Fast forward. Damn. Attell was like a trash. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go.

*laughs*

How hard was it to not laugh doing that? Oh, dude, there's like a million takes of me just breaking. And he said a million different things. It was fucking great. Was it at four in the morning? Like, how'd you get a tell out there? Oh, yeah. No, he did me a solid. He came out at 11 p.m. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. He set the alarm early. We got done the other shoot at like nine, and we're just like twiddling our thumbs waiting for him to appear. And then everyone's favorite part was watching him parallel park.

At the venue. He's a bad driver. Oh, it's out of control. Is he a car in the city? Oh, yeah. That's how he gets around, yeah. What? Insane driver. He used to drive me all the way uptown back in the day, and I remember he'd be like, ooh, getting kind of Spanish. Ha ha ha!

I remember, though, he would drive. His hands would be on the wheel. And he drives like a little kid with a big wheel. He's, like, doing this the whole time. Did he have the cushion seat when you drove with him? Because he has a cushion seat now that props him up like a little phone book. It's the best. Oh, come on. I love him. Man. Big Jay said he was in the car with him once, and he opened the sunroof, and he goes, that's so the Lord can hear my rhymes. Ha ha ha.

Dude, he did one take where he put a mask on and pulls it down and goes, is it over yet? Well, how's it feel? I mean, you're already over 100K, baby. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I'm very excited. This is your first one, right? Yeah. I love it, man. Yeah. Thanks, man. I'm really proud of it. It was great. Two sold out shows. It was fucking insane because the venue...

Four days out double booked. I heard didn't James direct this? Yes, he told you. Yeah. Yeah, all Korean dad band called Daddy the Cool Band. They're a Korean cover band. Wow. Find out four days ahead, they booked that date. The venue was like, hey. He was like, look, they're a bigger draw than you eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, they haven't sold tickets, but trust me, people will show up. I was like, is this Field of Dreams? What the fuck are you talking about? And so...

The guy goes, hey, if you can convince them to move the date, then that's fine. So I had to call this guy, Thomas Lee, who's a dentist, and he barely speaks English. And I'm outside the venue like, artist to artist, please. We need the venue all day. He's like, I don't know. I'll tell you. It can't happen. People come.

And I was like, oh no. And dude, James and the crew were so fucking great. They got in there at 7 a.m. Wait, how did you get the guy off? We had to fucking let them play. And then say you have a hard out at fucking 6 o'clock. Doors open at 6.30. Did they have to build a set though too in there? No. We said, look, the only thing you can change in the entire room is add a back line. We have everything set up. Your people have to just deal with that. You have to end at

545 you have to be out by 6:00 so then people lined up Oh big time yeah dictate I Nagasaki that dropped a bomb on and they are all these people are coming into my show like why are all the it's Korea it's just old families there I gotta say they sold it the fuck out there were no tickets sold at

a day ahead of time. It was all at the door, completely packed. Wow. And we're stressing the fuck out that everything's going to be ruined because of Daddy the Cool Band. Can we look up Daddy the Cool Band? Dude, please. It reminded me of Yatta. Do you remember Yatta? No. Yatta, Yatta. It was like a Japanese... Dude, I'm telling you, look up Yatta. That was like the first...

Yeah, nothing. Dude, they're not even on YouTube. They have a Facebook page with like 74 people. And yet they're like, people flew in from South Korea for the show. What? Insane. They have 74 fans and they're international? Bro, international. Daddy the Cool Band. All right. Damn. You can't even really find them online. Maybe we can get them on.

Dude, you should. I mean, if the guy can clear his dentist schedule. Yeah. Yeah, 204 followers. This is them. Is that them? Yeah. I think that's... Okay, Daddy Cool Band. There they go. There's no Koreans in there. Is she Korean? Is this? I kind of like it. I don't think this is Korean. I think that was Korean. Yeah, that was some smooth jazz. No, this is not. There's a different Daddy Cool Band. There's no the. The.

Yeah, Daddy... The cool band. Just like my childhood. I'm looking for Daddy. Yeah. Daddy, cool the band? I don't know. Either way, it was a fucking nightmare. But James fucking nailed it, man. Yeah. It was awesome. We love you, James. James is great. Directed mine. Yeah.

as well. All right. We decorated the set with everything at the venue, which was great. I wanted it to feel like an old 80s special with a set design and everything. That's a great room, too. The cutting room? Yeah. Yeah, it's great. Daddy Cool the Band. I think that's them. Daddy Cool the Band. Yeah, event location, the cutting room. Wow, there it is. Yep.

You should get that tattoo, dude. I should get a chest piece of Daddy Cool, the cover band. Amateur cover band formed in 2012 by five mid-aged Korean-American daddies with diverse professions of non-musical.

All the members had never learned nor played music professionally until they formed a band. Damn, the Asians come out. I mean, Ali Wong and Ronnie Chang, they'll sell out Radio City 12 times. You're comparing Daddy the Cool Band to Ali Wong? Wow, I'm just saying, they're Asian. The Asian folk pop in. You're doing like 14 nights in San Francisco at a massive theater, and you're like, I don't know, dude, Daddy the Cool Band. Yeah, well, I bet they're opening. Dude, the pit in my stomach finding out that

They double booked the venue on the day I was shooting my special with Daddy Cool to Cover Man. And they were like, sorry, we can't budge. These guys, every year they're drawn. I'm like, what the fuck? But it worked out. Were you pissed at the cutting room? I mean, was that crazy? I mean, dude, getting pissed, like I was pissed initially, but like getting pissed and like heated and everything like would get me nowhere. So I just tried to stay cool and like assess and fix and figure out a way to make it work. You know? I can't believe they're playing the cutting loom.

I was waiting for how long it was going to take. Woo!

How many ethnic groups will hate us by the end of the episode? I know. I know. Have you guys seen the viral video of the kid in college who wears a full poncho, a sombrero, a fake mustache? And he's like, is this offensive? And every white person says yes. Yeah, every white college student's like, oh my God, this is horrible. You got to take that off right now. Are you Mexican? No, you're a piece of shit. And then he goes up to Mexicans. They're like, you look great. Yeah, we love it. Thanks for celebrating our culture. Yeah, you look amazing. Yeah. Shows the divide. He's our next guest. So we'll try to get him to come out. Yeah.

So, yeah, man, no, there's nothing worse than day of special stress. I mean, I had it too where they tried to ding me with like a fee and I was like, you guys deal with it. I'm not dealing. I can't, I want to try one of those too, Mark. Well, dude, it worked out in our favor because when we were like, hey, I want to shoot my special here, they were like, oh, okay. And they thought it was like, because we shot a live podcast there and we had to film, get the crew in an hour ahead of time. So they thought it was that. So they cut us a door deal for renting the venue. Oh.

And they were like, if we knew that this was like Netflix style. Ian, imaginary non-alcoholic cheers. There you go. They were like, we wouldn't open the doors for less than 12K. So then at the end of the day, I ended up making money off the fucking venue. So it was all worth it. Oh, great. That's spicy Marg. That's fucking delicious. Is that non-alcoholic? Yeah, take some. It's non-alcoholic and alcoholic. Ooh.

But I'm sure you sold it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sold out both shows. There's non-alcoholic and alcoholic, but we didn't label them, so you have to roll the dice. Yeah, well, you know. Didn't I say if I were to relapse, I'd do it on the Ogega Cat? No, wait, is that the right one? Yeah. You took the right one? I switched the labels. This is like a cartoon. We're dressed as three, like, Mexicans. It's like an old Looney Tunes. Yeah, this is Russian Roulette. Oh, aye, aye, aye! At some point, you guys just have to humor me, and we have to do the three amigos salute.

What is that? Wait, how do you do it again? All right, let's do it. Ready? You know how to do it? Shoulder, shoulder, waist, waist, turn, right, cough, and it's like the... All right, ready? Are we sure this is right? Oh, yeah. Unless you want to pull it up later, just to be sure. Amigos, mount up!

I'm sorry, dude. It's supposed to be, what is that doctor moment where he goes, turn your head and cough? Oh, yes. That's what they're making fun of. When you're checking for testicular cancer. There you go. That movie was Tropic Thunder before Tropic Thunder. Oh, shit. Good point. That's a good take. Good point. Classic. I love that movie. Both classics. 1986, Lorne Michael produced it. I have it on VHS.

You know what I had on VHS that I wore out? Kindergarten Cop. Do you remember the movie? Oh, it's not a Tuma. Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yeah, classic. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Easy. It's not a penis. Easy. Yeah. Come on, Ben Shapiro. Arnold fucking rules. He's the best. Here it is. I might.

I hope we got it right. Okay. Love this movie. This was Martin Short's first film, and he was freaking out the whole time. Really? Yeah, because he's in with these big heavyweights. Who's funnier than Martin Short? The three amigos. Okay. Pretty good. You were off, I think. Pretty good. It was too many of these. Just one motion. It's...

There you go. We'll do it again. All right, we'll do it when we're hammered. Dude, how good was Clifford when Martin Short played a 12-year-old boy? So good. He nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. Martin Short had rain. He was in Interspace. He had a couple big ones. Jiminy Glick, all-time best. Oh, I love Glick. What is it that you do?

It's always weird. Every once in a while you meet a comic who doesn't love comedy. I know. You know, you're just like, they're just like, oh, I didn't watch any of that stuff. And you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never saw The Simpsons. Didn't catch it. I wasn't a fan of 90s SNL. You're like, what? Eddie Murphy? Yeah, I missed that one.

You don't know Eddie Murphy. All right, great. What were your old timers growing up? All time movies growing up? Jesus Christ. There's Something About Mary. Yeah, for sure. Kingpin. Ooh, both Farrelly. Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber. I love the Farrelly brothers so much. Same. What about Bob? Clueless. Clueless is a great comedy, I think. Oh, yeah. I think it's great. Penelope Spheeris.

Is that who directed that? She also did Wayne's World, I believe. Oh, Wayne's... We don't have our Googler here. Wayne's World still holds up. Wayne's World still holds up. What else? Ghostbusters, obviously. But what about Bob's, like, my favorite comedy of all time? So me and Ronnie Chang, he invited me to the premiere of the new Ghostbusters. Ronnie Chang of the Daddy Cool the Band? Yeah. Yeah, and...

You know what the problem with the new Ghostbusters is? What? First of all, we've got to stop remaking everything. We remade Dune. We remade Ghostbusters. It's the same shit over and over. It's for kids. Yes. The old Ghostbusters in 1984...

He gets a blowjob from a ghost. Yeah. Bill Murray's trying to fuck that chick in the first 10 minutes with the tarot card. Yeah, and he goes, I'm going to go to Miss Barrett's apartment and check her out. Yes! I'm going to go check out her apartment. Yeah, she sleeps above her cover. Yeah, and she goes, I want you inside me. Yes! And he goes, oh, there's...

think there's enough people in there already. Yeah, they're broke. He's chucking, like, he's hitting a flask. Like, they're a piece of shit, degenerate, out-of-work scientists. Yes. And they live in an abandoned firehouse. It's gritty. It's New York. Dirty. It's New York. And now it's like, the kids are upset, though.

She's angsty. She wants to be a scientist, but she hates her dad. And you're like, ah. It got childified because they made the cartoon series. And then they made the second movie kind of with the cartoon in mind. And then this new movie takes up some of the storylines and everything from the cartoon. Okay. But I disagree. I think it's great. They didn't remake Ghostbusters. They added a continuation of that world scene.

and universe connecting the older characters and then now they're like create like i love this one because they showed like the mundanity of living in an old decrepit firehouse and like all this shit yeah and uh but i totally agree like remaking some movie like didn't they remake white men can't jump yes and it bombed yeah thank god yeah yeah yeah like what is the fucking that's such how do you know if it bombs on a streamer though

Well, I just mean no one talked about it. I never heard a peep. Yeah. I never heard anyone say, you got to see it. I watched this last night. Not once. Yeah. Yeah. And I know people were in it and I didn't hear about it. Oh, that's right. That's like Coming to America 2. Yeah. Ooh, 26.

Oh, wow. Well, I'm sure they made it like racially coming together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old one had some stank on it. Yeah, Wesley Snipes is good as hell in that movie. Oh, yeah. You can't hear Jimmy. Right.

Rosie. I mean, that's a great movie. Oh, Rosie. And the pieces of shit in the movie. That's the thing. You can't make unlikable characters anymore. Yes, dude. Unlikable characters are the fucking best. Yeah. When people are just pieces of shit and they don't have something ascribed to them, they're just a fucking asshole. That's it. They're not an ism or a fucking ist of anything. They're just a fucking good old-fashioned asshole. Yes. Hear, hear. That's what's interesting. We're all assholes. Yes. So let's not make

the main guy. Ay caramba. Ay ay ay. I was going to wear a dress. It's Daiko. El Daiko. How the hell are you, Jor? I'm doing great. Good to see you. You guys look amazing. Oh, thank you. You can wear my coat. Do you want to put the coat on? No, Brad Williams is out there wearing a tiny one. Oh, don't give it away. We got a Mexican jumping bean. Woo!

Oh, is he coming in on this one? Yeah. Oh, good. It's going to be a party. Yeah. He's going to sit right here. Edit that out. Right here. There's other ponchos and stuff for you to wear if you want to put it on. No, I'm too hot. It's fucking hot out. Let's not go crazy. You can get me a poncho. I'll wear a poncho. Yeah, put on a poncho. Get a poncho. Get a poncho. Get her a poncho. Is this a non-alcoholic mug?

Yeah. If we're all going down for cultural appropriation, you're coming with us. Yeah. I'm going. We're dragging you down. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I knew that you guys had black on in here. I wanted to match. I knew that you were this...

Oh, yeah. I can feel it in my heart. Yeah, we're going to go to the subway later and try to mariachi it up. Oh, yeah. Make some tips. Do you have a little guitar? Oh, yeah. Those dudes, those are the only people that come on the train that don't annoy me. Oh, with the little accordions? I mean, because the dancing. So nice and happy. The dancing, you got to change where you're sitting and everything. These guys, they're such tiny Mexicans. You don't have to move. Yeah.

And they're all dressed up. They try. Yeah, they try. Yeah, they put in an effort. And they're smiling. They're fun. Yes, exactly. And they have a little guitar or a normal-sized guitar for Brad.

I think they're always a little drunk, too, which makes it really good. Oh, a little. Yeah. Yeah, they're hitting their tequila. Man, I used to have Mexicans outside my house called sleepy guys, I would call them. And they were... Siesta. They were just sleeping all day and they wouldn't work. They would just wake up, drink and sleep. Mexicans that don't work. I think you just watched Looney Tunes and just saw Sleepy Gonzalez and you're like, this is a person. One time

one of them tipped over, did not put his hands out at all, tipped over, his head hit hard like a bowling ball. And I was kicking him being like, hola, hola.

And his friend was going he's drunk I think he might be dead Yes, I'm taking my Mexican appropriation a little too far I brought a knife. Oh my god. Was that too much? Jump over a little wall later. What this no they're your suit like you were born in it. Yeah, I feel good I want to be like a what's the guys that do the Toro Toro now bullfighter bullfighter. Yes, I

Do you remember the Bullfighter Madonna music video? Black and white. Pull it up. And when your mom was in the shower, you jerked off to it.

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

That's why you got the knife. You don't know what those shifty guys are going to pull in that domino game. You're going to get that knife used against you. This is the bullfighter video? Oh, man. She was sexy. She was such a fucking babe. I think she's from Michigan. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And what's her last name? Like Karachi or something? She just seems like she came out of a cocoon from a spaceship that just landed here. And she's from fucking Dearborn.

I mean, they all stole her shit. This is like Taylor Swift and Britney Spears and all the Aguilers. Nicki Minaj. I wish she would just age naturally, though. Yeah, she looks like... Her face looks like a balloon. God, she was so pretty, too. And she fucked everybody. Did she? Oh, yeah. She was like a prodigious whore. Two-pack. Was she a prodigious whore or did she just live life to the fullest, man? No, in like the best way. Yeah.

You know? I mean, I remember when A-Rod was getting trolled in Boston because he fucked Madonna and all of them had like Madonna masks. Oh, that's the best. That would make me hit harder. Yeah. That's a compliment. Pull the photo of her. Wait, wait, wait. These are boyfriends or just guys she fucked? Whoa, whoa, whoa. A little of both. Oh my God. This is quite a list. Michael Jackson. I mean, Dennis Rodman and Vanilla Ice. It doesn't get much different than that. Wow, Vanilla. Alamalalalak. Oh.

Damn. I want to see Warren Beatty's list after this. Holy shit. David Blaine. Wait a minute. Tupac.

Daniel Simonson. Her pussy truly is the UN. Look at those names. Her pussy's like LaGuardia Airport. Wow, Jeff Asmus. It's crazy. Henry Kissinger. Dan Natterman? Madonna, I'm going to lick your pussy. With his wet lips. I mean, I would still do it now just for the story. You got to. Out of respect. You got to do it.

But I wonder if she's got the herp. Madonna approaches you at a bar and you say no? She would just surgically cut it off. You know what I mean? She just saw it off and get a new vagina. Yeah. What is this? Yeah.

Oh, babies? Yeah. Cher. Cher was a dime. What do you guys do if a celebrity reaches out to fuck you? And you're like, but I'm in a relationship. But you have to do it for the story. But you're dating. But you're with somebody. Well, depends on the celebrity. This did not happen to me. Depends on the relationship. That too. You know, right? I say, look.

I can't. I'm in a relationship. Oh, my God, dude. Got that. Never mind. Just bleep the name. Never mind. Oh, my God. Just bleep the name. Dude, that guy really took a liking to Daniel Simonson when he moved to town. Oh, boy. No. We'll tell you later. He's a comic that loves a young boy. Tim Dillon. Yeah. But, you know. Woo. Yeah, yeah. We'll talk later. But, yeah, who's a celeb?

Who are we showing to you? It wasn't me. Stephen Hawking? Who? Was it Brad Williams? Hey! Como esta, mi amigo? The plane, the plane. What's up, man? Is there booze in this? What's up, dude? Yeah. One's alcohol free, one's not. We got you a microphone here. Ian, make me an alcohol.

Why did you guys give me the tiniest sombrero? I think that was for Sam's dog. Yeah. No. That should happen by chance. I have a huge fucking head. It's part of the dwarfism. I know, but this is adorable. This is blocking your chest and now you just look like a head. I mean, now you know what it's like to be an audience member at my shows. Hi.

It's just a floating head telling you jokes the whole time. This is great. You got a new special out. I do. It's on. I think I plugged it last time I was here, but it was behind a paywall. Now it's free. It's for the people. It's called Starfish. It's on YouTube. In a week, it got over half a million views. What?

We're doing it, man. We're freaking doing it. Things are happening. And in Dwarfuse, that's like seven times. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a whole lot. This is great. You guys are dressed as the Amigos. I feel like I need to start quoting the movie. It's got one of my favorite jokes in it that I did not realize was a joke until I watched it again as an adult. Okay. Completely missed it as a kid. I know it by heart, so lay it on me. Yeah, it's when...

the woman looks at Chevy Chase and goes, you can kiss me on the veranda if you'd like. And he responds, lips will be fine. Yeah. So good. Didn't get that joke. Yeah. And then I became an adult. I'm like, that's an eating pussy joke. That's an eating pussy joke. Yes. What is a veranda? Like a view?

Or a mountain range? No, it's an overlook. It's a balcony. Overlook. Yeah. She's cultured. I thought a veranda was like a... Balcony. Yeah. Sounds like a character on Sex, This, and The... Did you just say that? I think I'm buffering. The last time we saw Brad, he did our podcast, and at the end of the podcast...

Can I say this at the end of the podcast? We do a whole thing where, and you know, obviously dwarf jokes are flying. I have a small dog. We're saying she looks huge with him. And then at the end, Ian goes, let's take a picture together. Brad, can I put you up on my countertop? Yeah, but.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I apologize profusely because I was like, well, let's all be on the same level. I didn't do it to be like, look, I got a new trinket. Even the apology sounds offensive. I know, I know, I know. I just wanted you to be up on our level and not down there. As soon as Brad left,

I was like, Ian, walk yourself through what that would have been like. You really were ready to lift him onto the counter. Yes, he wanted to put me on a counter like, hey, this is what we bought at...

On the roadside in San Diego I got a new Vitamix Look at this new Slap chop I got Ay, ay, ay Whoopsies No me gusta Lo siento, mi amigo All good, my friend All good I can't be mad at you When you're dressed like that Oh, thank you Fantastic Now when you're dressed normally It's very easy to be mad at you Oh, fuck

The belt buckle, the shorts. Oh, yeah. It's a problem. I can't beat it. My favorite joke from Three Amigos is he's eating, he's like trying to fuck with the tortilla and he goes, you have anything besides Mexican food? That's great. Deep cut jokes. Oh, yeah. There's a cartoon of me on the wall over there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're both on there when we were for Halloween. We really went generous with the body. Where are you in there? Oh, you're in the back. I see that. I'm up top. I was going to say you really went generous with the cod pieces on you guys. Oh, that too. That too. Hey, we didn't draw it. We did model for it. Someone had a very high opinion of all of you. Oh, yeah. That's great. It was our stalker. It was great. I like how I have blackface on my legs.

What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you have Serena Williams things going on. Bodybuilders give themselves blackface. I was just looking at it. What? Yeah, they don't call it that, Jordan. It looks like blackface. It's tanner. Yeah, but it's so... Because it makes the striations come out more in the veins. Have you guys been told that there's a sexual tension between you two? Is there? Yes. Oh. Do you not think so a little bit? Yeah. More little braids.

Check out her OnlyFans look at that. We have a clip. That's not blackface That's just like over-the-top Tanner, but like wait Stop for a second. You're sexual your stepbrother. Yeah, I

How did that happen? This is old hat. No, but not for this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I got to know this story. I had sex with him because we we he was really hot, like skater guy. And I was fat mall goth. And then I went to college and I got more attractive. And then and then I came home for Christmas. I told my mom, I was like, I'm going to fuck Tyler.

And she was like, no, you're not. That's fucked up. And I was like, I'm going to do it. And then my other mom, his mom, was like, do you guys mind sharing a room? Because Barbara's going to come do Christmas. And my mom was like, no. And we were like, we don't mind. I mean, they practically told you to. We high-fived after. You knew he wanted, you felt the vibe from her. Yeah. Well, he'd been grooming her since birth. What was the age difference at the time? Eh, we don't need to get into that. Ooh.

All right. Age difference. He's, I'm 32. He's probably eight, seven, seven years. So I was 20. When you said he was eight. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You plan out that pause a little better. That's when I got hard. Yeah.

No, it was hot as hell. I'd do it again right now. Wow. Well done. He moved into our house and I was like, you're the hottest guy I've ever seen. That's like the plot of a Brady Bunch episode. Clueless. Is it? Yeah. A lot of Clueless. Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. Paul Rudd. Yeah, but also Clueless was fucked up because Paul Rudd was in graduate school and Alicia Silverstone was in high school. She just got her life.

That's every movie, though. Every movie was like... Every movie's got some little... 21 Jump Street. Yeah, it's got a dashing and statutory in there. Yeah, it's a great movie. Salt Bae. Cuckoo statutory. You remember that? We talked about that recently, how in the first scene, Nicholson's like, she was 15. Yeah, he goes, but when that red snapper's barking at you, you can't say no, Doc. And he goes, I understand. Ah, ha.

How do you have a bad Jack Nicholson impression? What? That was great! How dare you? Here, I'll do it again. Okay. How do you get the red snapper? He's the worst at him. Everyone has a good Jack Nicholson. They're halfway through. I can't. How'd you get these scars? No, wait. That's a different joker. Sound like an old prospector.

Hey, wait, wait. Hold on. What's he say? What's he say? He goes, you can't handle the truth. That's better. That sounds like Gilbert Godfrey doing Jack Nicholson. That was good. Can you guys give me a little hand for that one? I got a question for Jordan. So was there any guilt? Like not guilt, but like you were like, what the fuck did we just do? No, I was prepared to get married, though.

To that guy? I mean, I was like, yeah, let's do this. Wow. That would be an odd procession line. Really? Yeah, because they come meet my family and I'm like, and they're like, you know, he's like my stepbrother. Is he still good looking? Yeah. Can we pull him up? He's not good looking. Yes, he is. Dude, he looks like the skater from Clueless. Amazing.

A million times? Oh, he's cute. I think I heard Jordan do a bit about this where he brought a date to see you. Yeah. Yeah. He brought his date and he was like, just don't talk about it. Don't talk about the thing because she's here. Don't talk about the deep dicking. Yeah, and I have that problem where you tell me not to do something and I do it. Yeah, same. That's why we can't do live streams. Wow.

Because the second we go live, yeah, it would be fucking... Oh, what the hell? You're bringing a Latino? Hey! What are you doing to us? Okay, great. Oh my God.

Yes! Yeah! Oh, this is amazing. Wow. You step in the camera, guys. We can't see you. Wow. We're just cheering at nothing. That one with the guitar has got a big hog. Wow, yeah. Let me see. Hello, boys. Hola. Let's see what we got. All right. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. Thank you.

This is awesome. Can you guys play Feliz Navidad? Play Vertical Horizon? Can you play Three Doors Down? Can you do Bird in a Wire by Leonard Cohen?

What the fuck just happened? Jesus Christ! Shit's going crazy!

Atel is calling me. Take it, take it. Hey, David Tell's on the phone. Yeah, you're on We Might Be Drunk. There's a mariachi band. Wow!

Yeah. This is a mess. Hey, guys. Enjoy yourselves. Man, that thing stinks. All right. Yeah, yeah. See ya. Oh, no, that's a cigarette. All right, bye. Oh, nice.

Can I do this? Yeah. If that's not a gif, I don't know what is. There you go. That's seven years bad luck. Alright!

All right. All right, I'm having subway flashbacks. All right.

Uh-oh, heads up. Oh, arriba! Mazel tov! Yeah! Ha ha!

She loved every bit of that. I haven't seen you that happy since the stepbrother. It was satisfying. You've been wanting to do it for years. The cockroach. It's my wrestling name.

Oh, thank you. Yo, Kiero Kulo. Open the board.

in the borders. Yes. Yes. Now go back to the hotel. Oh, that's awesome. Tip them, Peters. Yes. You guys are fantastic. That was amazing. If I had any money, I'd really wear a costume. Oh, my God. Let me give you a hand. Hey. Here's pennants for our mano. Here's pennants for us wearing these. Yes.

Hey, Opa! Opa, Opa! Be sure to split that up. Yeah, that covers me too. Okay. There you go. Okay, that was a big give it back. Okay.

I'm wearing them right now. I'm not even going to look. I bet I'm wearing them.

And I am. And so is he. And he usually wears panties. Now the secret to sheath is two pouches. Now things don't stick together. You got to do it. We love it. They look great. They feel great. The wife wears them. They were created to withstand the heat of the Iraqi desert. So whatever global warming throws at you this summer at your condo in the burbs, you're going to be just fine. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Plus sheaths.

Plus, Sheath Underwear 100% money-back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear. Support the show. Support your balls. Thank you. Killed it. Thanks, guys. Thank you for working for less wages. All right. I don't know. Ian paid him $100. I know. That was a mistake. Also, we paid him.

El Returno to me-o. Yeah. I was hoping that third bottle. Hey! Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. I was hoping that third bottle that Jordan hit Ian with was a real one. Oh, dude. Did you get it out of the camera? That was fucking amazing. I mean, that's a gif right there. Oh, yeah. We had dwarves getting smashed. We had you guys. Sam's head. I went, I want to do that. Yeah.

She lit up. Our original plan was to do it earlier and pretend that Mark and I got into a real fight. Wow. And to just freak Ian the fuck out. Jesus Christ. And then Mark attack me with it. Good God. I would spring to action and choke Norman out. And I would cum. Yeah, that was fun. Amazing. You just start eating up Brad. You're like, I got this. Yeah.

You guys, you're still doing the pod together. Yes, of course. I want to come on soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. You were supposed to come on a while ago. No, I want to come. It's a really fun podcast to go on. You have to travel to a really shady area. I like that. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. So you can get a podcast and some fentanyl. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah.

It's a nice little bonus. Yeah, we had Brad Simpson on. He was 45 minutes late. Brian Simpson. Who did I say? Brad Simpson. We've been drinking. Have another. And he got hammered. Then he was like, I've got to go do B and E, and he just did it the next day. He couldn't make it. Yeah.

Was he fucked up on ours? Oh, man. Oh, and then he got super high on ours. He's got a problem. No, it was great. It was fun. Yeah, you got to come do it, Sam. I'm coming. I'm so glad you had me on the Cinco de Mayo episode and not the St. Patrick's Day episode. Hey!

I feel really good about that. I feel like we're making progress in our relationship. And I'm glad you guys didn't have me on during Pride Month. So thank you. I appreciate that. I got to say, I went to Mexico and I watched the dwarf wrestling. Oh, you did? Unreal. It's so much better than regular wrestling. I just call it wrestling. Yeah, it was fun. You know, shady guys with money in their hands like...

Get him, choke him. So that's real down there? It's adorable. They can barely get up in the ring, so a guy's like, put him down.

Okay. There's a clip. You got to find this of a dwarf luchador getting drop kicked off the side of a wrestling ring. Oh, here we go. He flies like none other. Please. The very top one. It's great. Hit this. Okay. That's a little guy? Yeah. No, no. So they got the normies. Oh, no. Come on. Oh, no. He looks like a little toy. Watch out. Oh.

Oh, man. That guy gets so much normal pussy. Oh, God. I mean, that's like punting a corgi or something. Yeah, I know. And he's dressed up like a little animal. When I saw that clip, I'm like, there are so many things in this world that can kill me. I know, I know. Good God. If there's like a pissed off raven, I'm fucked. Or a mousetrap. Oh, that would slice me in half. Do you ever worry about like an owl coming down and swooping you up? No.

All the time. What if you go down the drain? Oh, my God. There was a dog on the subway on the way over here. I'm just eyeballing him like, you motherfucker. I need one of these bottles to smash over the dog. You're going to have to ride it. Yeah, I got to protect myself at all times. That was awesome. Big enough toilet. Yeah, and that's what I'm also, I watch a clip like that. I go, thank Christ I'm funny.

Because if not, I'd have to do that for a living. Yeah, true. Or porn. Or porn or walk around a Mexican restaurant on Cinco de Mayo serving nachos out of my hat, which would also be adorable. Maybe circus. Is that still running? The circus was a good fallback for, like, weirdos. I did the circus for a while. Really? What? Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know that. When? I was the first comedian to do stand-up in Cirque du Soleil. Oh. Yeah, which is French circus. The gay one. Yeah, the gay one. Man, was it gay. Oh, so you did it as a stand-up. Yeah. Not like an attraction. Yeah. I was doing jokes. I wasn't being fired out of a cannon going, wee-wee. Although, that's going to be my new closer. Yeah.

It was the show Mad Apple in Las Vegas. I was there for three months. Three months in Vegas? Yeah. That's rough. It was a lot of Vegas. It was a lot of Vegas. That's what Harrison and Chris Turner do. Yes. Yes. Yeah, we all did that first opening run together. And it was great. It was a lot of fun. Living in Vegas is insane.

Yeah, I would not like it. And I get that there's a decent life off the strip, but I've seen too much of the strip. Which is probably like saying, like, fuck New York, I don't like Times Square. But it's more of Times Square. Yes. But, like, yeah, so I got a place in Henderson, which was about 20 minutes off the strip, which was fine. Oh, Henderson's great. That was great. And, yeah, I got to be there. And then you got free physical therapy, which was awesome.

Nice. Because they have acrobats in the show. They're like, I had to go on after two guys that juggle each other with their feet.

Whoa. It was like them and then, and now something even more weird, a dwarf telling jokes. Yeah, yeah. But it was a blast, man. It was so much fun. That's how I feel when I have to follow Marcelo at the... Oh, he kills. He kills and he dances and he's doing all these little things and I'm like, this is like a...

It's a whole show. The craziest part, and here's how much people fear public speaking and our jobs. Because at one point, the light board went out. They had to reset it, which takes about 12 minutes. So they were just going to have an empty stage for 12 minutes. I'm like, give me a fucking microphone. Oh, good for you. You're so brave. They hand me. I don't know.

I wouldn't have done that. He's a pro. Yeah, you would have. Come on. You think? You fucking do crazy shit. I only do 10 minutes a night for the show. Wait, you said that. Stolen it from the person who was supposed to do it. Wait, you said what went out? The sound? The light board. Oh. Yeah, so I had a microphone. Oh, I thought you were just yelling. No, no. I think the guy who bangs trans women is like, oh.

A little too dangerous for me. You're knee deep in an alley. Went out, did stand up, covered the whole while they're resetting the light board. And then when I get back, there's a Russian hand balancer in the show. I got excited for a second. He goes to the top of a makeshift Empire State Building, balances on one hand, switches. It's absolutely incredible. And he walks up to me when I come off stage and goes,

I have no idea how you do what you do. How do you escape the war? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? If I tell one joke that doesn't work, okay, I have another joke. If you fuck up, you die. Yeah, Brad was like, learn the language. Really rude. No, I got that when I did America's Got Talent because there were people like, I can't believe you're telling jokes. I'm like, you're swallowing swords. What do you mean? If you hiccup, it's over for you. I can go on drunk. A fire?

Firefighter said that to me at the firefighter store right by Sirius. I go there every time. I love firefighting. And he was like, I can't believe you do that. That's so scary. I can't believe it. I was like, man, you were in 9-11. And he's like, well, you know. What? The job. Yeah. It's like, yeah, well, that's our job. I didn't even know you did America's Got Talent. Yeah, like 2015 or something. Yeah. How far did you get? I didn't.

I won the first round. I got like a fucking standing O the first round. Hell yeah. 5,000 people in Pasadena. And they were like, we don't know if you made it. I'm like, well, all the judges just said I made it. And they're like, well, that's not how it works. I'm like, we should tell the audience that. Because they're about to boo. Oh, there you are. Tape face. Thanks for dressing up. Look at how creepy you look. Wow. Wow.

I did well, but then I did another one. I made round two. Jesus, you look like one of the Israeli hostages. Would they take you from a music festival? Wait, go back to that other photo. Go back to that top left. That's the same face he makes when he walks by a playground. Yeah, he is. Except I'm licking my lips, too. Yeah.

Delicious. No, I remember I made it to the next round and it was like, you know, they're trying to get you to shit talk the contestants. Right. Oh, I hate that. So I wouldn't do that. Yeah. But then they had me going. I get there like the hotel they put me in had construction. So I got like no sleep. They have your call times like 9 a.m. I went on stage at midnight.

Oh, yes. And the judges were like, it was like George Lopez. He was like the guest judge. Yeah. And... Happy Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I was like, I'm a comic. There's a golden buzzer. I bet he's going to give it to me because I'm a comic. That's like your positivity. You're trying to stay positive. A Latino dance troupe goes out immediately. He's like, the one golden buzzer. I'm like, fuck you, Lopez. That's funny you thought George was a comedian. Well, they just did our podcast, so you won. Yeah.

So then I go on. I went on after. First, I went on after like these two Jewish rappers. I thought we're actually like fucking good. And Simon's like, you're dreadful. You're the worst people I've ever seen. I hope your kids get cancer. It was like all that. And I also don't like your rapping. Yeah.

How dare they talk to the Sklar brothers like that? But I did in the first round, I did so well that even Simon was like, I did not expect you to be funny. But you were like, you know, I played the safest hits. And then and then and then the next round when I went on at midnight, I

I went off after some like Destiny's Child type like triplet band and Simon's like you're the worst you're awful blah blah blah and I'm like oh it's midnight this is gonna be rough I go I do fine I do pretty well I'm getting laughs the whole time and Simon's like you were better the first time and I said well it is midnight you know it is it's midnight and they've been here for 12 hours right the audience is a little tired yeah and he was like yeah and then but then I saw Howie Mandel in Montreal and he was like I'm sorry I'm like that's those fans don't stick around I don't think

That's true. Yeah, you get a pop out of the gate. Like, Drew Lynch was huge for a while. I think he's still doing well. I think he's doing all right, but it does fizzle. Like, Taylor Williamson is another one who was huge. I thought it just was rigged. Like, Usama did it in Crush, but he used the word tramp. What? Tramp is out? Tramp was out. You can't say tramp? The problem is the word he did use was, like, horror slut. No, it was something worse. I thought it was Allah Akbar. Yeah.

And then they cut off the broadcast. It's really weird how that happened. Yeah, but he called Heidi Klum a tramp. Like he was like a tramp or something like that. Oh, yeah. That's not a good move. What about that guy that wears a kimono that just started insulting all the judges? Dr. Ken Jeong. Bobby Lee. No, what's that guy? He's like an L.A. guy. Kimono? Hooper.

Oh, Alex Super. Oh, my God. I love Alex Super. He went on and just started insulting all the judges and roasting them, and no one liked it. Really? Immediately, everyone's like, what the fuck? I wish it was live. You just go on, and you're like, you have AIDS. You're a dumb bitch. They're like, what the hell is he doing? Yeah.

I had a good one. I did a last comic standing and I bombed. I did well the first time and I bombed the second one because I went too dark. Did black jokes, huh? Yeah. I went Kramer. And what's his face? Kenan Ivory Wayans goes, yeah, you killed the first one. What happened here? And I said, well, Damon. And he was like,

Hey, hey, it's Keenan. I was like, I know, I'm joking. Oh, that's great. I did the same thing to him. He didn't fucking, when I did Last Comic, we've done some bad shit. Oh, I did Last Comic too and I did not make it. I didn't make it either. I got kicked off by Angela and Oscar from The Office. Damn.

Dang. Wow. Wow. And then Stanley slapped her ass on the way down. I mean, Stanley, he can get it. Why didn't they like you? I don't know. They just didn't like my stuff. And then this is the thing where you watch enough reality shows and you talk to other comics that have done it. After they told me, like, well, we're probably not going to make it. But do you do any impressions? I was like, fuck, no. Because that's where I would have shined. Yeah.

Do I do any impressions? You like my Obama? It's ironic that Tyler Fisher would be like the most industry darling, but he's like, fuck. That's true. You know what I mean? If he was doing impressions of people that weren't just trans women, he would drop that.

Yeah. So, but I didn't do it because you know that if it was bad, then they just cut to a montage of, and then some people tried impressions and they sucked. And then no context. Just show me trying to do a fucking Trump out of nowhere. Here's my Obama. Oh, dude, I would have made it. Can I tell you, I was in Austin and I gave this guy a guest spot on one of my shows and he did a joke.

that was like, uh, this is my impersonation of a, uh, Jewish retard. Hey, it's a me. I'm a dad. That's pretty funny. It's hard to follow that setup. I know, I know, I know. I was like, what the fuck is happening? The setup is dark and the punchline is clean. Oh,

He does Sebastian Mascot. Yeah, yeah. Well, Vitor had a great line. He did AGT, I think. He went to the final, to the top five. Yeah. Wow. I remember that. Heidi Klum hated him. She was like, I don't get it. And she's like, I just think you're a little too slow. I don't know what you're doing up there. I don't understand it. And he goes, well, I'm funnier than you. Exactly.

killed but she didn't get that either well that's the thing I usually bring Gary on stage I do the mic backstage I say he was top five in America's Got Talent he lost to a kid with a stutter it's not his fault which is true but always gets a little pop up top for him sure that it's like when Heidi Klum doesn't get it you're like yeah German supermodels are not exactly yeah you don't really want her to be like you're my favorite comic she would love the Jew retard joke Mel B Mel B loved me

At one point she was like, you're very cute. Yeah, you know. Oh, God, I had such a crush on her. Who's Mel B? Scary Spice. She looked good, dude. By the way, that's the black one in Scary. Well, they didn't want to call her Lady Spice. No Dad Spice. Loud on the six train, Spice. Yeah.

Nice local black reference there. She's a hot lady. Good God, she's hot. She's hot. Not scary at all. She was such a babe. And then they just did like a reunion at one of their birthday parties. David Beckham got it on like they were all singing together again. Whoa. I think Baby Spice is the scariest from the charges you get.

Oh, yeah. Isn't that weird? She was, like, sexualized. She was baby. She was the little baby. The 90s were great. Baby. Such a time. Great time. Sporty baby. Ginger, posh. I mean, look at that. We got the Spice Girls are back. The Knicks are good. The Rangers are good. Yeah. OJ's back in the news. OJ's in the news. The 90s, man.

Dune. Come on. Ghostbusters. Blink-182 is on tour. Yeah, Sum 41's back too. Oh, yeah. Seinfeld's got a movie. Bill Clinton's raping again. These are great. He never stops. He never stops. Bill Cosby's not blind anymore. Harvey's out of jail. I know. 99.

are back. Look at that. Oh, and by the way, Mark told me that I'm going with you to the next game. He said you're giving me one of the tickets. Oh, am I? I don't have tickets. Thank you, buddy. I thought you had tickets. Oh, fuck. You're welcome to come over. I gotta go see Alan. Are you really? Therapist? Yeah, I gotta do it. Only if you show up like this. Please ride the train like that. Walk in like that going, I...

Jordan, real quick, do you want to plug anything? Yeah, plug some stuff. I think we're doing some dates together soon, but I don't know what they are yet. What are we doing? You didn't hear? No. Really? He's opening for Tyler, a hot skater guy. Wait, say it. What are you doing? I think you're doing some gigs with me, Chrissy D, and Nemesh. Fun. That's great. When? I don't know. Okay, Los Angeles. Cinco de Mayo. That's why we're weird.

Oh, I'm at Dead Crow, which is in Wilmington, North Carolina. Great club. I'm doing Houston, New York, Poughkeepsie, Des Moines, Manchester, Dallas. Punchup. Oh, you do the punchup. Yeah, do the punchup. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. Watch Death Chunk on YouTube. Death Chunk. Yes. All right. Come back soon. Bye. Bye.

I just know how that therapy goes. Hey, see you tomorrow. Yes. Yeah. I don't want to be next to Mark. What the fuck? Okay, good. Thank you. Sorry. I gassed you out. All right, finally. No, just the boys. Just the fellas. Well, it was before, too. Just like Ian likes it. Yes. Yes.

on over here Brad question have you ever been with not even just a male little person but male female like what do you have any desire I would I don't discriminate fantastic why do you think I have Knicks tickets

I haven't, but you've got to find it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I just saw this interview. There is a dwarf woman on OnlyFans. She's on a podcast called Pillow Talk. She's a dwarf, and she also has two vaginas. What? Pull her up. Pull her up.

God gives and God takes away. Where's the other one? I don't know. I mean, I imagine it's right next to the other one. Damn. What the fuck is with the service? That's her? No, that's not a dwarf. No, look at... It's like the world's worst game show. Not a midget. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Look at Pillow Talk. Right again. Podcast Pillow Talk. Dwarf.

Yeah, and then you'll hopefully see her. What is this? Kazumi sleeps with a dwarf. Oh, Kazumi's hot. She slept with a dwarf? Who's Kazumi? Oh, she's a hot Asian porn star. Oh, really? Kazumi. I like that name. Yeah. Okay, pillow talk. Go to images. What are you doing? We can't see it from headlines. There you go. Where do we see it? No, no. Little people, Angela White. Was this just a dream of yours, Brad? That's her.

Is that her? That's gotta be. How many dwarves do you have? Whoa, who's Kaylee Gunner? Easy. One whore at a time. Sorry. Let's go. Or if you go to the Pillow Talk Instagram, go to the Pillow Talk Instagram. It'll be there. You know what podcast sucks? That whatever podcast. You ever hear that? Oh, bring the women on. Yeah. They just like shame. And they're like so mean to these. What is it? What do they do? There she is. Dumb women. What?

They shame them for being on OnlyFans and shit. But it's like these super smug guys that talk about like high value men and like all this stuff. It's so stupid. They get religious too. Yeah. You're not acting like God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to go on there and debate them. I love you, man. Dude, are you seeing someone now or no? No. Oh, yeah, she's all right. There's the four star with two vaginas. I wish she had two different faces. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What's her name? We'll shout her out. Oh, my God. Look at those bazungas. Can we see the clams? Yeah, really. Megan O'Brien. Oh. Hey, she's in New York. Whoa. Is she? Oh.

Oh. Hey. Make it happen, buddy. Yeah, Brad, use your powers. I've seen her at the meetings. It's fine. What are you in town for? I'm in town just because I got a few days off and doing an East Coast run of the tour, and I didn't want to fly home for like a day and then come back, so I thought I'll be here. I'll do a couple podcasts, some spots. Love it. Hell yeah. Go to a Knicks game with my friend Sam. He's going to get the tickets. It's awesome. I'm thrilled.

Well, you only count for half a ticket, so I can maybe bring her for the other one. We get three people. I'm a lap sitter. Yeah, bring the double vagina. Do you think those boobs are real? I don't think midgets are real. I mean, obviously, right? Yeah, that's a figment. Nah, she doesn't have two vaginas. No way. Where would they fit? That's the two vaginas. There's twins. Brad, you misheard. Double baby gum. That's, yeah. Uh,

Quite a thigh on these little ones. We have large thighs. They all have big thighs. We got pretty beefy thighs, very large butts. It looks like you guys are putting a hydraulic press and you just were like popped out. She's cute. Hey, so Mark, I mean, you're a married man, but would you? Oh, sure. In a heartbeat. Hell yeah. Yeah. And I would do that in a minute. Do they have tighter pussies? In my experience, it's the same. Come on. It's because you probably got a horn.

I mean, it just looks bigger on me. It's not...

It's not anything special. It's the same size usually? What are we doing? Click the OnlyFans. Join. Do you want my password? I will. He's got a password. Yes. You going to OnlyFans? Yeah. I like to support the locals. The tone really changed there. I try to support small businesses. These gals. That is a small business.

That's what she named the second vagina. Small business. It's my side project. Wait, you can see these girls leaked? Oh, leak, baby. Oh, God. Why am I paying for them? Oh, she's banging a blank guy. Never mind. Oh, wow. She really is. Is he a normal? Yeah. I think he's a normie. Oh, that means the vagina is the same. Oh, God.

Jesus Christ. I hate the... This is going to be a virus. New porn vid 18. What the hell are you doing? Garrett or Mark or whatever your producer is. I just like watching Mark's facial reactions. I just saw a black ball bag. It was too much. I wasn't ready. I was waiting for two vaginas. That should be a Patreon. It's just Mark reacting to porn he doesn't like. Oh, fuck. Straight sex? No.

Hot women. Minorities. By the way, Peters is just giving himself more work to do with all these porn things. You're just going to have to edit so much of this shit out. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, I didn't see a double vagina, but we'll figure that out later. I could have sworn I saw a clip. I could have been mistaken, but hey, I brought more porn to the podcast. Are you sure you weren't drunk and just had double vision? I might have done that. I may have done that. It's been a long tour.

Hey, um, you've been going hard. When you edit the pod, can you add in lamps for my double vision joke? Appreciate it. Since you're going to be doing a bunch of edits. That would actually be a great thing. We, if we fix some of these bombs in post, uh,

We just get like huge, like Big Bang Theory laughs and everyone's like, what the hell? Woo! Just do those laughs on the jokes that bomb. Yeah, yeah. That's how you know. That's how you know you're still bombed. Yeah. Man, I love those old say by the bell. It was just so fucking unfunny. Oh, yeah. And just get out of here. I love that. Are you serious? When I was a kid, yeah. Oh, yeah. Throw it in. What about the kiss where they go, woo?

Yeah, get that. Oh, yeah. Do you have that one? Oh, no, that's all the laugh tracks, though. What were you drinking? A double vision? You know what's weird? I was watching. It's almost worse than silence. And then I said, hey, lady, that's my ass. We got a little person or a small world? What?

Mark is the first comic ever to bomb with a laugh track. What the fuck was that? Oh, that was Peter Griffin laughing or crying or something. What do you mean? That was terrible. It was. It was god awful. It's just this bad Boston accent. That's all that is. Peter Griffin. Ian tells that joke. I take the broken glass. So I was watching Family Feud over the weekend on the road.

And you wonder, it's a full house. It's like a 300-seat audience. Who is going to that? Taurus. Is that what it is? I would shoot LA. Dude, I went to BattleBots and it was packed. Yeah, but you like BattleBots. Yeah. People like Family Feud. I like Family Feud, but I would never go live. Isn't it Steve Harvey? Oh, yeah. You ever battle on it? That's where the fuck's going. He's huge. I love Family Feud. I'm so good at Family Feud. Dude, I'm so good at...

Nothing. Not remembering shit. Yeah, you're really good at that. We should do like a practice family feud. Is there a way we could do that? No, I'm legit good at betting BattleBots and picking the winner. Betting BattleBots? Oh, yeah. And, dude, I won 40 bucks on BattleBots and...

And then I lost 20 bucks doing rock, paper, scissors with a guy in the front row. You're the best dad or the worst dad? My dad did the BattleBots. He lost our whole income. Can you imagine? Yeah. Dude, I went with Yamanika. It was the fucking best. Me, Yamanika, Luke Moniz. Holy shit. All right. She and I were getting up and dancing. Wow. If Yamanika could narrate BattleBots. Oh.

We got to get it back on here. Oh, dude, that'd be the best. Can you pull the clip of Mark farting on Yamanika? That's one of the all-time podcast moments. Oh, dude, that's the best. I just want to hear her call a robot an N-word. Oh, dude. That little pizza looking. Yeah, exactly. Look at that one with the teeth. Yeah.

I love her. Oh, yeah. I fought it all over. We went backstage and we met the BattleBots. Were you starstruck? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this the one that won? You know, we were like little kids. She's the fucking best. They're getting sex robots to fight it out. That'll be fun. Whoa. Live sex robot shows? Oh, yeah. When do you think that's going to be normalized? Just fucking robot. It's coming. Not the robot. It's coming.

That's the brand of the robot? Do you think they'll make robot strippers? Do you think it'll phase out all women? If they can get it to the Westworld robots, then yeah. But will that make other women more desperate to suck us?

Oh. Because they're not getting it? Because they got to compete? I'm looking for any angle I can get. Interesting. Interesting. You know, you're going to be out of business one day, horse. Oh, come on. Get it now. Someday you're all going to have to suck us. That's the name of Ian's next special. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now we're going to Disney+. Well, did you see that trans women and the ladyboys in Asia are fighting over turf? No way. The fact that you used turf was to the best unintentional joke. This is Mark takes over The Daily Show. Did you see this guy? The best comment was Transformers versus Decepticons. Oh, that's the best! Holy shit! Oh!

That's so funny. Well, dude, lady boys are historically seen as like deities in those cultures. They live on different islands and when kids are born, they come over and bless

the child because they're seen as having two spirits, two different parts of themselves. So they're looked upon as like these like actual like goddesses in a way. And then they've rejected the Western culture idea of like, no, I'm a woman. They're like, no, I'm a lady boy. That's like what we are. And now that this trans stuff is going over there, they're like rejecting that. So that's why they're, they're fighting. Yeah. Cause like, I could be way off on this, but I think like they were doing multiple genders, not just two genders, like way before we just got,

on there. Yeah. It's like them and Samoans too. And Native Americans. Two spirit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Two spirit. Yeah. What's a two spirit? Sorry. I mean. Two spirits. Male, female. Yeah. It's a combination. That's in Hindu culture. It's called the Hidra.

It's a special type of person that embodies both male and female. Someone say a racial slur. Let's get back to jokes. Here it is. This is what I'm talking about. This is some shit you've never seen on a black podcast. She's trying to talk about her journey to White Rocks. I'm the wrong one to do. I went to the shop.

from the gym and you all raise your whole fake hands up and let their hair in. If there's one thing black people don't like, it's dookie. Well, there's a couple things. That's insane.

That episode might be the hardest I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah, she was killing it. Yamanika had you fucking... Oh, my God. I pushed that thing out. And the Nate one was also legendary. The Florida Nate. He hated it. I just want Yamanika, whenever I have a bad set, to just console me when I get home.

That just sounds delicious. The big bosom? Yeah. She is like the sweetest kind. When I got my cat, she got me a big... It's more conversational. It's more whatever it is. Right. Hold on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Arena comic. He's like a well-renowned. He's like opening up about comedy to you. I mean, I love it. I mean, I love when Morgfarts. It makes me laugh my ass off. But if you're not in on it, you don't like it. Oh, my God. Get Seinfeld on. He's getting it right in the old face. There you go. So you bought a cat. Oh, no. Yom just got me all this cat stuff and...

This motherfucker! By the way, Nate Margazzi, Dwarf Comic opens for him.

Nick Navicki. That's right, yeah. Look at that. He brings a whole crew with him. They're taking your jobs. Now, is there beef? Half pay. Is there beef with you and him? No, love Nick. He's got Gary Veeder, too. Gary feels like a giant on that tour. Yeah, that's right. Dude, Nick and I have actually known each other before we were comedians. Really? Yeah, we all. What, North Pole? What are we talking about? Yeah.

Ah, the workshop. He was a rapper. I was a boxer. I worked out. But yeah, and then we both got into comedy. And now I love the fact he's opening for Nate, doing arenas and stuff like that. That's awesome. It's a good gig. Yeah. Yeah, they've been friends forever, Nate and Nick. Well, your opening joke, or the joke in the trailer of your special, killed me, and I shared it. I was like,

Boom, share. Right when I saw that on my page. Thank you, sir. What was the opening joke? Yeah, the joke was, my wife's half Asian, I'm half. That's good. Pause. Yeah, the pause is the killer. Hit it. There you go. I love plays on old school jokes. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Like that old Pat Dixon joke. He's like, women love flowers because they smell good. Men love pussy because they smell good.

That's fun. There's something like they're nice to look at and they... Okay, yeah, yeah. They're nice to look at and they... I don't know. They smell good. Yeah. They're nice to look at and they... Yakov Smirnoff has a joke where he's like, in Russia, when you say, take my wife, please, they do. Did it, did it.

All right. Real delay. But yeah, Yakov. He's back. He's back. He's back off. He's back and bigger than ever. He's back off. He used to be a speechwriter for Reagan. Isn't that wild? No way. He was in his inner circle. Did he write tear down that wall? He did, yes. Mr. Gorbachev, in Soviet Russia, walls tear you down. Reagan was quick, by the way. You ever see the move where he got shot at? Anyway, you missed. He was quick.

He got shot at in a car backfire. Oh! He got shot at like a month before. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A car backfired and he went, you missed, and he killed. Yeah, by John Hinckley. Was it Andrew Jackson who got, a guy tried to assassinate him, and he, the gun got jammed, and they did a study, and then of course, once it got jammed, he saw it, everyone just started beating the shit out of him, and Andrew Jackson starts stomping.

Wow. But they ran tests on the guns, and they were like, it's like a 1 in 1,700 chance that that would happen because they kept testing it again. That's what happened to Chappelle's guy. And they stopped him. It's funny. History repeats. Yeah, Chappelle, our Andrew Jackson. Put that motherfucker on the 20.

Remember when Harriet Tubman was going to go on the 20 for five minutes? Yeah, what happened with that? I think it might still happen. I don't think this shit just takes a while. That'll be fun at the strip clubs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you want a little Tubman, baby? Here comes a tubby. Yeah. And I'll give you some money. They have the...

But they were complaining that she wasn't, like, looking happy on the fucking... She never looked happy. I know! She's a black abolitionist in the fucking 1800s. Also, have you looked at the other white dudes on our money? None of them are smiling. That's a good point. Good point. Good point. Because Tubman was taking all their slaves away.

Why do you think they were mad? Yeah. Tell me. She will appear on Currency, but not the 20. Oh, okay. What the hell is Currency? They'll probably make it like, we have five $30 bills. She's on that. Special edition. Yeah. No one gets to have it. I'm going to use that on the hooker and be like, I want to run an underground railroad on you. All right. That was good. That was a good one. Dude, I mean... That was a mouthful. You know...

It's not even the honor it was. No one uses money anymore. I'm a cash man. I love cash. I like cash. I love cash so much. I'm a cash guy who didn't bring cash, so we had to pay the... I know. He had the hundo there. I like having cash. 220 to the 5 was sad. No, that was fine. He's paying. We're paying. How do you tip a valet? How do you tip a bellhop? You need cash. You don't be like, hey, valet, what's your Venmo? Right. How do you hide a body?

Cash. All cash. Cash is shady. It leaves the door for shady shit. You don't have to report shit to the IRS. Like if you're a comedian and you sell merch after the show and you have a bunch of cash, I wouldn't know about that. I report all my income. Exactly. But I've heard that some comedians do that. Apparently the dollar circulates around Chinatown like 13 times before it leaves. Isn't that cool? That is kind of cool. They're so insular in their community. You can't figure that out with a tap.

Apple Pay? No. Huh? Applause. Clapped her. Give me some clap. That was like the Jeb Bush clip. Please clap. Please clap. Oh, that's my favorite. Dude, I intentionally make bad jokes in my group chats and then I do the Jeb Bush please clap. Oh, I've never seen that. Oh, it's a yes. I've never seen you intentionally make a bad joke. Right.

He gives a rah-rah speech to wind everyone up, and it just falls flat. Just watch it. And then he just goes, please clap. Oh.

Oh, man. What's the Trump Jeb Bush joke? Because he's got Sleepy Joe, Crooked Hillary. Does he have a Jeb Bush one? Low energy jab or something? Oh, yeah. I think that was it. I don't remember, but he did destroy him. ...interests of this country to get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world. Please clap. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. That is horrible. That's like when a woman's like, shoot it on my face, and you hit your shoe. Total anti-communist. Do you do that, the shoot in the face?

If they want me to, yeah. I've done it. I don't like it. It's not my favorite. I'm a little Sandy Hook out there. That's how old they are. And you also have autism. And Alex Jones is a fan. And it also never happened. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. That was the noise it made. All right, we can keep going.

Are there other things you've tried from porn that you're like, this is going to be so great, and then you try it, and then you're like, oh, this is... Yeah, gay anal sex. Have you? I don't think it was gay anal sex.

Have you in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Wait, you took it or gave it? I've taken it. And? Catcher. I had to give it back. I kept the receipt. That sounded like gay Dangerfield. I took it in the ass, I'll tell you. I had to give it back, you know? I had to give it back. I had to give it back, and what I gave back was AIDS. Don't applaud. Give me the clap.

I tell ya, I get no respect at the gangbang. They always make me go last. I'm sitting on glass here. How did that happen? Like, on the apps or after a show? What went down there? Well, there's a trans gal that when she comes to New York, I'm like her New York boyfriend. And a while back, we flipped. So, like, I fucked her one night, and then the next night she fucked me. That's a fun calendar to share. Yeah.

It was an advent calendar. And then I'll be honest, not for me. Not a fan. Taking or the giving? Taking. It hurts. I'd give. Well, she had a small pecker.

that's that wasn't that for you you know asian lady yeah i don't know that's why you want unfortunate huh that's why you want to fuck dwarves yeah yeah smaller packers it's easier it makes it easier it's like a starter you were like thank god it's a tiny one oh yeah if she had a hog i'd have been like honey not for me yeah yeah yeah i

don't think so child um no but i yeah i i don't like it even the idea for me of being on all fours no i was laying down oh it's just i don't like shit behind me you know what i mean like i need a back that's your worry the best objection to getting your asshole pounded ever

I just don't like people over here. I picture her putting the bunny ears on me and tweeting to her friends like, look at this fucking nerd. That sounds like an X-rated Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. I can't deal with the shit behind me. You're not like your asshole played with? No.

I like it played. I say knock on the door, but don't go inside. Yeah, John again. I like a little. John again had that. He said, hang out on the porch, but don't go in the door. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's what it is. I bet a woman stick a tongue in there, and I'm like, great. Not too bad. Tongue's fine. Not too bad. I think I wipe too hard, so it's a rough area now. You got to get yourself a bidet, my friend. I got to get a bidet. Yes. Get a bidet to sponsor this podcast. You'll get free bidets. Oh, tushy. That's true. Yeah.

Toshi. I think they used to sponsor us. Yeah, they got sold. And then we talked about too much butt fucking. Yeah, they pulled back. Really? I don't know. I'm fine. I don't know. You mean they pulled out? Dude, the bidets are great. Yeah. Game changer. Game changer. In the heated seat. Oh, darn it. Problem is that the heated seat feels so good, you want to pee sitting down. You got to fight it because it's bad for the pelvic muscles. Is it? You should pee standing. Yeah.

Bad for the pelvic muscles and your opinion of yourself. Yeah, it's not good. In the middle of the night, it's hard just because I want to stay half asleep. I love middle of the night piss and I lean on the wall like this. That's what I do. That's my favorite. I love a wall lean. What's it like to be able to touch the wall behind the toilet? Yeah.

Is that good? Well, that's why you need a squatty potty to stand on that. I got to do like the butters from South Park and like turn around and like reverse it. Oh, A.C. Slater. Yeah. So like the back of the toilet is my little table right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I got to do. Now, do you have a bunch of little step stools in the house? Dude, I have step stools like...

like a doomsday prepper has weapons. Like they are all over the house. They're hidden. You're Nick Offerman in The Last of Us. Yeah. I just have steps to... The half of us. They fold out. Well done, Sarah. Well done, Sarah. Found that one. But yeah, I got them all over the place. Makes sense. I mean, these counters, they're not built... I had a bit about how we changed the bathrooms for every gender, but...

Nothing for you guys. Nothing for me. Yeah. The best part is that my wife, we moved into a new house. My wife remodeled the kitchen. And in the kitchen, she literally put the counter so high. I'm like, cool. I don't ever have to do dishes. Oh, nice. I'm good. She unintentionally fucked herself over. You literally don't belong in the kitchen. Yep. Yeah. She does. It's perfect. That's great. Yeah.

Yeah, the stepstool. That's big. Yeah, and now because my daughter's a dwarf as well, so now she gets to like, I get to, that's our bonding moment. Hey, this is how you use a stepstool. You're going to need this in your life. This is good. A lot. We had Jordan, now you. We went from stepbrother to stepstool. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Doggy style to doggy steps. Now what about the doggy door? Oh, we got one of those too. Really? Yeah, well, because I got a 90-pound pit bull. And so, yeah, we got the doggy door in the back. So now I'm like, cool, if I ever lock myself out of my house, I can get in. There you go. Have you ever used it?

course. Have you ever ridden the pit bull? I've never, not intentionally. Yeah. Unintentionally. One time I was giving some scratches and they decided to stand up and I'm like, I don't, I don't have a choice in this matter. Yeah. I'm going. That's great. Are you a big pit bull guy? Yeah, I love them. Yeah. They're great. Are you ever afraid? Uh,

I used to be, but then I started hanging out. There was that show. It was actually a show about dwarves and pit bulls called Pit Boss. I went on the show, and I roasted the lead guy. His name's Shorty. Creative name. And yeah, his pit bull was really cool. He had other pit bulls around. They were great. So yeah, I was like, cool. I like pit bulls. Oh, you've got a whole crew of littles. Yeah.

It's a gaggle of dwarves. It's certainly not a murder of dwarves. No. No. It's a stepstool of dwarves. It's an adorable. It's an adorable. Yeah. We'll go with that. A group of pandas is an embarrassment. True story. Really? Give it a goog.

What? An embarrassment? A murder of crows, a pride of lions, I think a gaggle of geese, a school of fish. It's an embarrassment. An embarrassment. Or a sleuth. A sleuth is no good. Why are they called an embarrassment? Because they don't get laid. Because they're mixed race. It's very racist. They don't like the blacks and the whites coming together. No. That's an embarrassment. That's for sure. Yeah. Only in the South they call it an embarrassment. In the North it's a...

Why do we rent these from China? We can't grow our own pandas? Yeah, really. Pugs, those are great. Grumble of pugs. A grumble.

Oh, I love that. That's... Kindle kittens? Embarrassment of bandits. Why right under a Kindle of kittens is an ad for Amazon? That's very appropriate. Congress of baboons. See? Congress of baboons. That's D-E-I-F-O-S. Yeah. A prickle of hedgehogs. I like that. Accurate. A bloat. Well, that's on the nose. A suck my dick of rhinos. That's weird. A get out of our pool trans women. Tigers? What the fuck? I don't know.

A memory of elephants!

Oh, that's perfect. A flamboyance of flamingos. Beautiful. Flamingos are pretty animals. That just looks like a pride parade. A whoop of gorillas. A flamboyance of flamingos. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. There it is. It should be cut. Never mind. I'm not going to make that joke. These aren't real. A dazzle of zebras. This can't be real. You sound like ingredients in a Christmas song. Eight dazzle zebras. One raft of otters.

A concerto of crickets? Shut the fuck up. These are real. A blessing of unicorns? This is fake. Yeah. That's a propaganda rag. What's the last one? A wisdom of wombats? These are all just alliteration. Yeah. Scurry. These are cute. A husk of hairs. A dingo of dogs. A troubling of goldfish. A journey of giraffes. A cackle.

Hyenas. A walk of snails. That's insulting. A Roomba. A Roomba. Oh, a stubbornness of rhinos. Or a crash of rhinos. That's very appropriate. Okay. This isn't fucking... That can't be real. That can't be real. They just made those up. But the embarrassment, I swear to God, is real. A bomb of comedians. A parade of gays.

Are there any parades that you can go to without being annoying? I feel like all parades are kind of annoying. Mardi Gras is pretty great. Okay. Because everyone's drunk. Yeah, that's got drunken tits. You're throwing tits. I'm at the parade. See, I would imagine. More parades should incorporate tits. That's true. It's like a Seinfeld bit. Why? There's no more of that.

More tits. Not the parade. I got in trouble at the Barstool Pride Parade. Why? Because I always get invited on their floats. Really? Yeah, yeah. They have a pride parade at Barstool? Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, they do the pride parade. It's like me and two other gay guys that are like allowed in Barstool. We like you. They led me on the microphone and it was on six av. It was completely packed, like the heart of it.

And I was rah-rah-ing everyone up. And I was like, who here believes love is love? And they're like, yeah. I was like, who here is gay? And they're like, yeah. And I go, who here thinks Fauci was a liar? And everyone was like, what? And one of the guys came up and was like, our sponsors are here. Get off the microphone. And they like yelled at me and everything. You just like start going on like, who believes 9-11?

was an inside job. Yeah, I just thought it was so funny to just say like a third insane thing that would be a big what the fuck. See, the comic came out of you. I know. Yeah, there it is. Oh, he looks like a real gay in that one. Oh, yeah, that's, funnily enough, he's not gay. Feidelstein? Feidelberg. Yeah, Feidelberg. Not Jewish.

Really? I know. They're taking our names. They're taking our names. You were talking about what parades are good. I imagine a St. Patrick's Day parade is good, but I will never go to that. They're terrible. It's just everyone's drunk. Yeah, not for me. Everyone's going to think like, oh.

He's working here. That's going to be bad. I'll never be able to convince him I'm not. That or a chocolate factory. You cannot go there. I cannot go there. I'm going to put you to work. Or live in a tree. I'll never take a gig in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I'm worried they won't let me out. So that town is just based on chocolates.

Yeah. Have you been to that factory before? I have. I played a gig there. It was an adorable town. It's like made out of... Michelle Wolf. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is she from there? Yeah. Really? Pennsylvania Dutch country. That's why she likes black guys. Chocolate. I remember doing that gig there, man. It was like a comedy zone there and a fucking... That was a horrible gig. Yeah, they pay you in Reese's.

You got Reese's? Yeah. Oh, they didn't like him. I got Kiss's. Oh, I would like a kiss. From a dude. Dark chocolate. Look at that. I mean, it's like a fake movie town. Wow. I love it. Yeah, that's kind of a fun thing to do. It's fun. You go to these. Yeah. It's a diabetes factory. Good to do stuff.

When you're going the road. Yeah, you got to get out. I love it. I love doing basic touristy stuff on the road. Yeah. It's my favorite. Well, because, like, who else has an opportunity to go to all these places? Totally. Like, so we got to take advantage. Like, yeah, that's the one time I saw Mount Rushmore because I was like, well, I'm in the Dakotas. Yeah. What else am I going to do?

I saw the Great Wall. I did China, and I said, how far is the Great Wall? They're like, it's an hour and a half drive. I said, we're doing it. Oh, that's great. You had to go, I got to see the Great Wall. When am I going to see that again? Yeah. I'm doing my first European tour this year. Have you guys been? When are you going? I'm going in September. September what? I don't know off the top of my head. He's going too. 15th or something like this. I might just miss you. Oh, really? I just did one, and I had a fucking blast. Where'd you go? Because I'm going to Amsterdam.

Me too. Norway. Me too. Where in Norway? Bergen? Oslo. Oslo. Going to Dublin, Ireland. Did it. Me too. Doing the Vicar? Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the best rooms in the world. You're going to love it. There's my website. Scroll down. I'm doing the... September. Yeah.

Doing Sweden, Copenhagen. Nice. I'm doing Copenhagen. Tough crowd. Oh, you're doing the Vicar Street. Yeah, that's the one. Okay. Unreal. Film that show. Yeah. You're going to murder. We already added a second show in Amsterdam at Boom Chicago. I don't know. That's the actual club name, Boom Chicago. Let me just give you a tip on Amsterdam. Yep. They laugh, and then they stop, and then they applaud. So you're like, I'm fucking bombing up here, because they're just like...

Ha ha ha. And it throws your rhythm off because you're not used to it. And I got off. The guy was like, you killed. I was like, what are you kidding? I'm dripping sweat. I was like, that was brutal. Like, no, no, that's how they do it here. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. I was told like there's a lot of people over there that they they're they're just so happy that they get American jokes. Yeah. But they haven't, you know, they don't.

They're not trained in the same way that our audiences have been. Exactly. So that's just how they're doing it. Totally, totally. But you're going to love that town. Yeah, I'm fired. I'm doing that shit too. But you're doing it later in September? It's not on my site yet, but I'm doing, yeah, I'm doing, I think, the 18th through the 30th. Oh, my God. Europe. You have me and then Sam? Yeah.

And you know you're going to get those comments that are like, oh, you're coming to Europe, but it's an hour and a half away. I know, I know. Can you come to Fred Roll Deichigsburg where we have a small theater and do the local pub? It's like, bitch, I flew 20 hours. You can drive one hour. Come on. One hour. Come on to the show. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pumped. Is this your first time doing? I've done a little bit, but nothing like this. So I'm excited. Yeah, I did like...

I did London last year just because I was going on vacation to Greece. I'd love to do London. London was sick. Killer. I did Australia last year, too. But, yeah, I haven't done like a real Euro tour. Yeah, I'm doing Australia in November. I haven't announced it yet. But I'm doing Australia and New Zealand, which I got to go take a picture at the Hobbit town, right? You got to do it. I got to do it. It's going to break the Internet. That's your Christmas photo. You got to do it.

Hopefully your opener's ugly. That's Gollum. You walk in, you take a photo, you're like, all right, I'm going back to the airport. Let me just... That was that. I mean... There's going to be one kid like, it's real. They don't let you leave. You're their god now. Yeah. I mean, pretty much. They got the Hobbit town there. They got places where they shot Game of Thrones. It's like Dwarf Heaven over there. Dwarf Heaven, baby. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. New Zealand is wild. I did one show there. It's...

an island off an island. So they're just more, even more disconnected than Australia. And they do their own shit. They're in their own world. They got the haka. So the natives are still like hanging out. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a New Zealand thing? I thought that was a Samoan thing. It's New Zealand. Oh, whoa. Yeah, because New Zealand has the rugby team, the All Blacks that do it. That's the actual name of the team. Wait, wait, huh? What? Brad, what? That's the actual name of the team. Brad. Come again? It's called the All Blacks. Oh, that's his porn genre. Ha, ha, ha.

There you go. The New Zealand All Blacks. See? They don't give a fuck over there. That is so ironic. And then they do the haka before every game, and it's the most intimidating. Isn't it ironic? They go against this other team called the KKK. Which is ironically all Asians. It's very strange. Next week, we're playing whites only. Yeah, the haka's terrifying. Look at the thighs on those motherfuckers. I know. I know.

It's a different world over there. No one gets offended. After my show, they all threw drugs on the stage. They threw drugs? Really? Yeah, so be ready to scoop those up. Okay. See, they do that with me, but it's like Mucinex. It's Clare. I'm like, come on, guys. Plan B. Yeah, yeah. Someone did actually send me Pepto-Bismol once. Really? It's in the rider. Oh.

I already have it in the green room. I carry it with me wherever I go. That's how you know you're getting older, because it's like, I used to get excited for weed. Now I'm like, oh man, when I get back to that hotel, I'm going to pop that Zyrtec, and I'm going to have myself a time. In my pocket, I always have Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Pepto, because I have a really bad stomach. We might be old. We lost all our young listeners. You guys fucking suck. Where's the shrooms and the co-heads?

And the cocaine. That's my bad. The Pepto gives me the Riz. No cap. Yeah, yeah. I stand on business. Where are you guys going to be coming up on the road? And obviously you got your special on YouTube. Yes. Wild, happy and free. Wild, happy and free. Check it out. Hilarious comic. Thank you, bro.

I got a bunch of stuff coming up. Punchup.live slash IanFidance or IanFidance.com for all my dates. Going to be in Los Angeles, Sunnyville, Fort Collins. And we're putting dates together for Denver and Winnipeg. So I got a ton of stuff. Check it out. iAnimal69.com.

Tulsa, I got a pizza place for you to hit. Oh, all right. And I'm going back to my favorite club, Pittsburgh Improv in November. Oh, interesting. Favorite club. I love that place. That and Zany, Chicago are like my favorites. The old one? Yeah. The old town? Yeah, that's a beauty. Old town ale house around the corner.

I love that. Oh yeah. Some long nights there. Yeah. Thank you for plugging my special. I appreciate it. Love you, buddy. Thank you. You too, man. Brad, what do you got coming up? Well, uh, I got my, I got my new special starfish, which is on YouTube. My dates, uh, let's see this air sync with a mile. Those are sold out. Uh,

Let's go to... I'm coming to Peoria, Illinois. Birthplace of Richard Pryor. Not a nice city. And Kinison. May 16th. And Kinison. Yeah. Rockford, Illinois. Carlton, Minnesota. Joliet, Illinois. All sold out in Salt Lake City. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Pabst Theater. Great city. First show sold out, so we added a late show. Still some tickets there. Woo!

it's really cool to like go to these theaters and then like, Mark, I'm seeing your posters. Yeah. Same. It's really, it's really cool to like see friends be like, Holy shit. We're like, now I'm seeing like dusty sleigh starting to do theaters. He's great. And, uh, it, it,

it's, it's really awesome that comedy is supporting like all these people doing larger venues. Cause it's great. It used to be like one comedian was doing stadiums or something like that. Or now it's like, I can name five comedians off the top of my head. They're, they're doing stadiums. I know. Isn't that crazy? I miss the theaters, man, but I need to write a new fucking act. So I'm in clubs. I'm in clubs for now. I got a May 31st. I got a Lexington, Kentucky, uh,

Then we got through the 2nd of June, Bray Improv, June 7th through 9th.

The Miami Improv. Miami Improv, June 13th through 15th. Atlantic City one night with Chris DiStefano. We've got a bunch of special guests. That's going to be a lot of fun. We'll do it up. And then we've got Rochester, New York comedy, the Carlson Gray Club. And I'm going to add dates. Might end up on some Birdie Boys stuff. We'll see some Birdie Boys. I'm going to add some stuff. We've got some casinos I'm adding with Chrissy D. I think Nemesh is going to do them. I hear we might add Jordan to some of these. I'm going to pump.

A lot of stuff cooking. Follow Mark and I both on punchup.live slash samurau and punchup.live slash marknorm. Can I say that Punch Up is awesome? We love Punch Up. Dude, I joined it and I sold out a club for the first time ahead of time. I've been like selling out, but you walk up and they're like, we'll see, maybe. And then it turns out, but ahead of time feels so good. It's never happened before. And it felt awesome.

The social media is crushing our videos. Like you build up these audiences, but now if there's anything with a hint of offensiveness and they crush it. So now you go to Punch Up, it's free speech, not run by a whack job. Yes. Right. Which is nice. And it's, I mean, Twitter's been great actually. Twitter's good because- Really? Well, you can say anything on Twitter. Oh, they hate me over there. Really? Oh, the people hate you, not me. Yeah, yeah, the people. Twitter's just great for promoting, I mean, because it's like you can say whatever. But like, look, yeah, the people on Twitter are fucking-

They're the worst. They're nuts. But, you know, this is a good place for comedy and you can actually support. We can post whatever we want. Yeah, and it's direct to market. We get docked on Instagram. We'll get a ping or whatever and they'll bury the video. Dude, I got a community guideline violation for posting a story of me holding Jordan's dog and going, she's so cute, I want to pop her little head off. And I got inciting violence. Wow.

And ever since then, everything has been dying. It's so ridiculous. Right? Inciting violence. It's clearly a joke. I know. It's turned into like doing like CBS because it's all ad sales. So now we're basically back at square one. Like Mark and I were saying, like, this is why we don't do late night. We talked about this to death. I got popped on TikTok because I said Greta Thunberg is 21.

Man, autism don't crack. And they got me on bullying. What? Bullying! You're saying she looks great? I'm saying she looks great and she's autistic. Dude, I was dressed as Santa Claus at the cellar with a tell on stage. I'm triggered right now. And I said, he goes, you're a climate denying Santa, right? I go, yeah, everyone that got the vaccine I put on the, that didn't get the,

got the vaccine i put on the naughty list yeah like as a joke and and that got me misinformation about it your rfk community guideline sarcasm it's like a robot that doesn't understand sarcasm so now we just have to so now you just have to be like that was a joke yeah afterwards yeah yeah hey robot do you want to hear a joke and then tell it yeah right the following is a false statement and then tell the joke that's not gonna work yeah and then i had a thing that was like i'm we're seriously underestimating the problem at the border and it's really gonna affect us for the next 20 years

I mean, what the fuck? You can't say anything anymore. AI gets a lot of shit right. George Washington's black. That's right. That's right. Yeah, they're killing it. All right, I'm in Victoria, BC, which I'm actually very excited about. It's an island off the edge of Vancouver. Get some seafood, buddy. Ooh, we'll do. You and I are playing both the same theaters in Vancouver and Victoria. Oh, the Vogue's sick. Those are two of the best theaters, actually. I love both of those. Hell yeah. Royal Oak, uh,

Fort Wayne, West Palm, Fort Myers, New Haven, Beantown, Macon, Georgia. That's a fully loaded tour. Philly, that Munn Hall, that's in Pittsburgh. Hey. Philly. Miller Theater. Played it last night. What? Awesome. Is it? It's...

Hell yeah. I can't wait. I've never been there. I love Philly. It's so great. Philly's the best. It's right in the middle of all of downtown. Yeah, I did that. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. So you could do your show and then see who's over at Helium and then pop over there because it's right there. I'm going to Kensington. Fuck that. Yes! K&A, baby. What's up? Hola, Sioux Falls. Never been to San Diego or South Dakota. I mean, Cedar Rapids. I'm just the... It's the Americana tour, baby. This is the Connecting Flights tour, is David.

Hey. Richmond, Greensboro, Anaheim. Get on the Punch-Up. You know where it is. Punch-Up.live slash all our names. Brad, you on it? You guys are talking it up. Brad's punched down. Yeah.

I gotta get on this thing. Get on it, bro. Punch up. He's jump up live. Right? Step up. Oops, something went wrong. What? Is it like a new social media page or what is it? It's just a guy we know who used to work at Facebook and I think was pretty disenchanted with how they were...

Oh, there. Okay. Me in a suit. And also it's a way to get rid of Ticketmaster, which is awesome. Yeah, exactly. Ticketmaster is just crushing not only us, but also the people buying tickets to our shows with these insane fees. It's not right that these people are, you know, you work hard to see shows and then are dinged with $30, $40 fees a ticket. Yeah. It's fucking insane. Go back to that photo. And by the way, people will get mad at us. We don't see shit from that.

All right. That's them. That's them trying to, you know, and they have a monopoly because these Ticketmaster companies own the theaters. Yeah, exactly. They bought the theaters. Well, that's what Pearl Jam was doing with Ticketmaster years ago. He was, they were fighting against Ticketmaster with that for concert tickets. My tour is sponsored by Live Nation, which is owned by Ticketmaster. So, hey, I love this company. It was Dusty Slay. That was,

I just need to get that joke in. He's having a good time. Thank you, Peter. You guys rule. Thank you, guys. Keep listening. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. It's coming very soon in New York City. Stay tuned. Oh, hit the piñata. Hit it, baby. Yeah, hit it. One more. One more. Yeah. Mazel tov. That's how Brad was born. Thank you, guys. We might be drunk. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Sunday's the day for my next bender.

bit of Piverec, you know the beer chew's close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. Down in the same way, up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. I get down in the same way, we might be drunk.