Ep 157: Stavros Halkias
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Hey, here we are, folks. That was like my little do-do-do-do. And we just lost our last female listener. She's gone. Good to be here. We got a special guest coming in a few minutes, one of our faves, so stick around. You got that right. Oh, yeah, it's freezing in this town. It's cold. I got long johns on. Do you? Yeah. I did it last night. Day long johns feels weird to me. It's not that cold yet. I know. And at night, you get that waft of ball stench. It's not good. Because they're just cooking in there.

It's a smegma. It's a BO. It's a sour. It's something. Something rancid. You ever just smell your balls after wearing them and you're like, dang, great. I enjoy it. I get like a hit. I'm like, ah. It's like ether. What are those things you crack? You know? In Fear and Loathing. That's the best. Ball sweat. Ball sweat. You get like that real, I mean, we're getting too graphic here. Yeah, this is pretty bad. I like that I said we lost her. Now we lost her last year. Yes. And there goes the gay one. Yeah.

Sorry, folks. But yeah, it is getting chilly, man. Oh, yeah. The holidays are here. I saw the ding dong guy with the bell, the Salvation Army. Yeah. The tree is up. It's happening. It's officially, it's that time of year where I'm doing like Buffalo coming up and Madison coming up. Yes.

I bring James Webb on the road with me and he booked a flight where he lands like 4 p.m. in Buffalo. I'm like, that's rookie shit. Yeah. It's Buffalo in December, dude. I know. Why do our agents do this? Like, I remember going to Winnipeg and Edmonton in January. Winnipeg is something else. Below 40 when I was there once. Oh!

And I was in a comedy condo, and I remember, it's like, the saddest part of the condo is seeing what's in the fridge, and you're like a detective, and you're putting together who was there, you're like almond milk, it was an LA comic, you know? Ah, that's so true. But that was a depressing condo. Yes, very depressing. But is it cool? Winnipeg's not bad.

No, no. Good call. Rumors. Yeah, yeah. It was good. But I mean, and they had like a cool rec center. It's so sad, the shit you look forward to when you're on the road. I know. I know. That's true. But I would eat everything in those condos. There we go. We got him. Good to have you. Stop roast, everybody.

This is so funny. We're rolling. Yeah, get in here. Still a little intro for you. I got to piss. Go piss. Go piss. Yeah, we'll keep it rolling. You look like I'm back from school. All right. Well, the short bus landed. We got stuff here.

it's so funny because we're writing this movie and we have a part for Stavros so I don't want to give too much away but I see him and I'm like the guy from the movie because I've been picturing him in my head for three weeks I don't want to give too much away either but like there's like three cameos I was really pumped for yeah working on this movie with uh Noah, Garden Schwartz and Esther Steinberg the four of us and uh

Stav, Dave Attell, and Tim Dillon were like the three that got me really fucking excited. Totally. I hope we can make this. I hope someone makes it. Yeah. And the guy and the gal writing it are helping us write our comics. So they know everyone's voice so well. It's hilarious. Yeah. It's been easy. It'd be so fun. It'd be so fun to just make a drinking buddy comedy. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if you saw the Daily Wire's new comedy. Did you see the trailer? It actually looked kind of funny. It felt like an 80s comedy. When he chokeslammed the... I never thought I'd say anything the Daily Wire did was funny, but the chokeslam on the girl in the wrestling match did make me laugh a little bit. Well, it's funny how so much has changed because I see that and I'm hiding under the covers like, oh my god!

gonna get in so much trouble but that i mean this is 80s it's like soul man or porkies or one of those movies oh yeah porky is some of those just the anti-semitism and porkies alone i'm like and i remember the dumb anti-semitism he calls a guy a kite yeah you're not even a smart anti-semite that's true all right stop i forgot about the the weird anti-semitism ribbon going through that movie yeah we're talking about porkies did you like porkies

I don't remember it. Come on. That was your high school nickname. Get in here. I wore a Santa hat. Hey. Oh, hell yeah. Nice. Oh, I'm happy. Oh.

This is great. Let me get in here. Were you into those 80s sex comedies? Hello, little fuckers. How we doing? Hey. How you doing, man? Good, man. What the fuck's going on? We got you a glass of water and a soda water. I don't know what you like better. What do these motherfuckers got coming in next? You want a tight schedule? We got Albert Brooks. Goddamn. No, we just thought we'd throw a little intro for you. Oh, okay. All right. Respect. Respect. I know I'm a comedy nerd, but that Albert Brooks talk is pretty great. I heard it's great. It's pretty fun. Are you a big Albert Brooks guy? I...

I tried to watch Defending Your Life while trying to also get pussy. And it just didn't really land. The girl was maybe too stupid for it. It was like the movie was bombing. I felt myself the chances of getting sucked off lessening as much as she hated the movie. So I just had to pause it and grab a titty. So I really got sick.

I guess it kind of moved it along. It was a desperation play. I ended up getting hit. It's not the most difficult concept to grasp. This sounds like a pretty dumb shit. Okay, maybe not dumb. It wasn't her cup of tea. You know what I mean? That happened to me with Play It Again Sam once. Oh, Woody. Great. Come on. I know. These are old comedies. It's old Woody Allen. It's early Woody Allen. It was like a play he did. And the girl was adopted. What?

Adopted and Asian. Yeah, as well. The bad combo. Too soon, ye. But, yeah, then she made me put on, what's that fucking Hugh Grant Christmas one? Oh, Love Actually. Women love that. And then my dick got soft. That's a great one, though, to shit on. Yeah. Because it is a dog shit movie that every woman loves. I don't like it. It's the Friends of movies. Yeah. You know? You know what? It is worse than Friends. It's pretty bad. Because Friends, it's like...

It's kind of like putting on like Caillou for – like you put on some dumb bullshit for a baby. Right, right. That's what it is for like a 24-year-old girl in HR from the 2000s. Yes. It's just something nice. It's like me watching a Chuck Norris movie. Right. You know what I mean? Putting on – like it's just – but love actually – It's like a mobile. Exactly, yes. Love actually just stinks. It's just not funny. It sucks dick. Yeah. But I will –

What I like is that it is a movie about cheating. It's like all these movies that girls love that are really, if you punch them, just kind of like sort of pro-cheating movies. Good point. Like Moonstruck is the ultimate pro-cheating movie. I haven't seen that in too long. Ultimate pro-cheating. Really? It's crazy, dude. It's like the dad... She's going to marry...

Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello. And then she falls in love with his much younger brother. She cucks him with his brother while he goes to attend to his dying mother. And not only that, but I believe...

His brother fucking his wife cured his mother cosmically and she lived in Italy. And not only that, Cher catches her dad cheating at the opera. She sees him, doesn't blow up his spot. Wow. It's a good bro. Her mom has the chance. Frazier's dad is in it. John Mahoney. Oh, yeah. And he plays an NYU professor that just fucks his students. Jesus. And he has like a...

Cher's mom in it, Olympia Dukakis, shout out to, you know, I got every Greek person I got. Yeah, right. I don't have many. I'm trying to get, it's like the all-star, it's like the Olympics where it's like, we don't have a lot of celebrities. I'm trying to cobble together a roster with me, Olympia Dukakis, Stamos, Jennifer Aniston, sort of. Right. I do the same thing with Jews in the NBA Top 75. Yeah.

I'm really clinging to Dolph Shays. That's my guy. Yeah, it doesn't help when all your fucking, everyone you put forward is in black and white. Everyone's like, oh, they're fucking, they bounce with their hand like this. Here comes Neil Steinberg with the layup. Wow, a 5'11 center. But yes, and so Olympia Dukakis is,

has the opportunity to cheat and doesn't actually. He tries to fuck her. John Mahoney tries to fuck her as a change of pace. Maybe I can fuck a MILF instead of these. It's an interesting, it's a dirtbag movie for sure. Women were all on board with these back in the day. Bridget Jones' Diary, my wife was watching that the other day. It's all sexual harassment. He's grabbing her ass at the office and stuff. It's just Pride and Prejudice, right? Pretty much, yeah. It's just a modern version, but it's all harassment. Women love it.

Clueless also. She like fucks her much older brother. Oh, yeah. Paul Rudd. Yeah, that's based off of like another Pride and Prejudice. Oh, I didn't know that. Jane Eyre writes some shit like that. Taming the Shrew or something. Oh, that's 10 Things I Hate About You is Taming the Shrew. That's a pretty good movie. That's not bad. Young Heath Ledger. I haven't seen that one. I haven't seen that one. 10 Things I Hate About You, Young Heath Ledger, man. He's fucking, he's incredible. Jane Austen. There we go. Nailed it. That was a great, I saw that in the theater. Oh, wow. No, I love that one. A lot to beat off to as a youth as well.

Yes. All three, I'm in. The Redhead, honestly, what else was she in? Brittany Murphy, Girl Interrupted. Was that Brittany Murphy? Oh, yeah. No, I'm thinking of Elyse Donovan, I believe. Oh, I definitely beat off to Brittany Murphy. But yeah, Elyse Donovan had a run. I was very into Redheads at Night at the Roxbury. I saw Night at the Roxbury in theaters. Me too. Damn. That was a huge Roxbury. That was a banger, dude. Colin Quinn. Yes. Yes.

I think this is our second Night at the Roxbury reference in two episodes. That's a funny movie. I love Night at the Roxbury so much that when I met Quinn, it is the first thing I brought up. I'm sure he loves that. He was confused. It might have come off like I was trolling him. Yeah. And I was like, you know, this is me fresh from Baltimore, hairless. Yeah. Still had the tooth. Oh, damn. I'm just Bobby's little fucking mini-me at the time. Yeah.

And Colin Quinn was like, who is this little dickhead telling me about Night at the Roxbury? But I literally loved that movie. Yes. No joke. I beat off exactly to that outfit. That's a hot outfit. Oh, dude, it was incredible. I love when girls wear those arm things. I don't know what that is, but I'm into it. Yep. I mean, she does heroin. Ancient Egyptian. Yes. Uh,

Yeah, that movie had... Fuck, what's his name? Who's the guy? Richard Grieco? Oh, yeah. Same dad, by the way. Dan Hedaya. Dan Hedaya. Is that Topanga? Quite simple. Great underrated 80s flick. The other one he's also in. He plays the dictator in the Schwarzenegger movie. Fuck. Maybe the best...

Commando. Commando. Bam! Commando fucking rules, dude. I've never seen it. What? It is like, when you think of an action movie, you're like, oh, everything is Commando. It's the archetype, you know, when he's just like...

and everyone dies, but he never gets shot. I'll watch it at your place sometime. Dude, please. That's like a star of I'm in Queens. I've been literally watching old action movies and taking notes to prepare for a screenplay I want to write. So I'm trying to become like a professor of shitty action movies. But Commando is like, that's the Bible as far as I'm concerned. So who's the guy now? Is it The Rock? Like, who's our... No, Roy Wood said this. Like, there are not really... There aren't that many left. You know what it is? It's like, there's guys trying...

it's a little like the NBA where it's like a changing of the guard, where it's like Keanu's basically. Oh, look at the 40 year old LeBron. It's like, how long can this keep going? You know what I mean? I don't think he wants to keep going. He doesn't want to keep, which John Wick for it was fucking incredible. But I mean, you look at Keanu's resume overall, uh,

He really puts in a really great argument for the best right now with, I mean, Matrix and John Wick. Right. Oh, yeah. Speed is an action movie. Speed's great as well. Point Break. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Johnny Utah. He's just got an insane resume. Under the radar, actually. You don't think of him as one, but he is. No, well, because of Bill and Ted, and he had a couple of weird ones in the beginning. But I would say Liam Neeson is somewhat in the running. He was before Wick. That was a weird one. And then, dude, I just watched Denzel.

Denzel was the fucking Equalizer. Equalizer 3 was fucking good. They made three of those? Dude, it's so good. I didn't know that either. Damn, it's like Baldwins. There's another one? Third one rules. Uh,

Yeah, really good stuff. But yeah, I don't think there is like a pure... Hemsworth, the extraction. Oh, yeah. Those extraction Netflix movies, really good. I never saw that. Really good. Okay, Hardy's good too. Tom Hardy's had a couple. Yeah, he's an interesting one. Yeah. He's got DSLs, which is interesting to have on an action hero. Yeah, he's almost too... Gerard Butler. Oh, yeah. Like the B-

movie yeah right I in fact I just watched Olympus has fallen you're the one Tom Hardy for me I'm looking at his lips oh shit come on they should have made Hardy play Robocop you would have been fucking horny the whole time

Robocop is fucking good. By the way, the guy who plays Robocop also has DSLs. That's true. To the point where when you, where you're like, they must have had a different guy because you don't see it when he's out of the fucking helmet. Yeah. And then with the helmet, you're like, God damn, what the fuck?

That's true. What the fuck is going on? Let's get Matt Rife in the new RoboCop movie. Let's do it. I want to look at those lips. I watched RoboCop trying to get pussy too. Got jacked off by a maybe former exotic dancer. Damn, that put Detroit on the map back then. Dude, the bad guy in RoboCop, the dad from that 70s show. That guy's great. Terrifying guy. That's a fucking, who's, it's like an

really good director who did Robocop. He did like Basic Instinct and shit. Yeah, I know exactly who it is. He elevates those movies, that guy. He also did Starship Troopers. Verhoeven, right? They're all way better than you think they're going to be. Well, he actually, it's art. He's making, he's saying something. He's like, Starship Troopers is such incredible satire. Right. It's like,

That it's like, they're just, you know, you have to be stupid. Like, people are like, whoa, this is like, are these Nazi illusions? It's like, yes. That's the whole fucking point. Everyone is a fucking, they're bad. He ups the gore, too, and he ups the tits. He always gets both of those in there. Like, Robocop had a lot of pushback. Like, because it is dark. I saw it as a little kid just expecting it to be like a fun movie. And I remember the kid being like, what the fuck is... I saw it on TV as a kid, so I got all the good shit. Oh.

Oh, yeah. But yeah, dude, I am all on my fucking my action movie shit. I can't wait to the special comes out or it's out. It's out. Oh, hey, congrats. Yeah. Fat Rascal. And I I'm doing like a little promo run. But once that's over, I'm literally just.

like do in a month where I'm watching like some good movies but also just like I really want to get my action movie shit down it's just in my head where I just want to write like a very really dumb script yeah I just saw Napoleon is it good? and the reviews are horrible I enjoyed it yeah I saw Shane Shane tweeted it was great I loved it I don't know I liked it who is who's the director Ridley Scott dude 85

Ridley rules, dude. Ridley rules. He's great. And he's already getting clapback-y with the interviewers. Like, oh, it wasn't great. He's like, fuck you, and I will be, that is a good day, or whatever. He's a sir. Good, good. No, I want to watch that. I watched Killers of the Flower Moon, obviously, and I watched The Killer, which is Fincher's. Is that good? I liked it. Very good. I liked it. Very good. People saying it's not good are fucking dumb. That's a bad audience score for a movie.

Well, it's also, what is it, a three hour? It's 243. 240. I mean, I haven't seen it. These movies do get a little, and this is coming from a guy who loves the stupidest action movies, they get a little formulaic, kind of like the music biopics where it's like, okay, we know what's going to fucking happen. Right, right. So I could see that maybe being part of it, but it's like...

And it's like Napoleon just had such an incredible story. Yeah. Insane. To try and do a movie about his whole life is kind of fucking... That's not...

Six hours long? You need three. I just watched a doc. It's on YouTube. It's like a PBS doc on him, but it's like four parts. But it's really cool. And it's just funny. Like, you really think about the amount of people he got killed. Oh, yeah. In that last, one of the last battles, he brings 600,000 people with him into Russia, and he comes back with 90,000. Jesus Christ. He got 510,000 people killed. And that's just one battle. That's one battle. But that's his biggest fuck-up, right? We all get one.

Well, he had Waterloo. I made a mistake. Yeah. But he goes back, and then, of course, all the French people turn on him, and they have a new emperor come in. But then the new emperor sucks so much that it's that classic movie thing where he comes back and everyone starts applauding him. No matter what, people, they do forgive you. Yes. Well, what's cool back then is they put you on an island. They exiled you. It wasn't like kill him or put him in prison. It was just like, put him over there. We should have done that with Epstein. Yeah.

But they put him on an island twice. He kept coming back and he was like, I love this country. And they were like, all right, get in here. Think how boring an island has to be after you're just used to war. You love war. The emperor. Totally. Good movie. So what I, my blind spot with history is that I just don't understand when shit happened in relation to other shit. Like everything just feels like its own story. Yeah, that's true. If you had to tell me what years Napoleon was in charge of France, I would say the

I would not be able... I think it's like late 1700s, early... No, earlier. That's close. I think it's like early 1800s. He got exiled in 1815. But it's crazy to think that America was all going on like 1777. That's why we got fucking New Orleans. Yeah. He was so busy killing fucking... Trying to kill Russians to sell off New Orleans. Yeah, exactly. He needed money. Yeah.

You don't think about colonization, but you're like, man, that's why Vietnamese sandwiches are so good. That's why we got that bread. Totally. Oh, the food. The food's the best part of colonization. Yeah. You know? The slaves and the women. We really take that for granted. Yeah.

Yeah, the gruel the slaves get served. I'm sure they would say the same thing. All for some douche on TikTok to be like, the bread is really good. Yeah. But not to sound like a boomer, cum-guzzling weirdo, but I will say it's fun to be in a movie theater and see horses and swords and castles because it's just like, I watch TikTok all day. It's fun to see an epic production.

They don't make movies like that anymore. Ridley Scott's a fucking legend. You have to be... That's exactly what it is where it's like you have to have Ridley Scott, a legend. You have to have Joaquin Phoenix. Even that, I bet you they fought them on the scope of this because I'm sure this is much more expensive than a fucking...

superhero movie. It's tanky. Oh, yeah. It is. It's definitely tanky. It's not making money. You gotta root for these movies to do well just so they keep making movies. I know. Well, I mean, the good thing is I saw... I think this was like Disney's first year without a billion dollar movie in a long time. I saw that. Yeah, they're really plummeting. Which is great. I hope that keeps happening because then it's like we have to make actual shit. Yes! Quality. Because if the formula of...

The most... We only make billion-dollar movies or we make, like, movies that cost half a million dollars. If that's still the formula, then it's going to be so hard. Even though I think it's fine. I think we could... I'm fine if that's what happens. Like, from a personal standpoint, it's like, fuck it. We'll make independent movies. I made, like, a little... I made a small movie that hopefully is going to... You know, hopefully it's going to go into, like, festivals and shit like that. Like, we... I think comedians would be able to do it because...

the way you get around that is good writing is like sharp yes like funny shit that doesn't need big big things like that but it's like i i like a nice mid-tier drama i yeah movies that are like 20 million dollars they cost 10 million dollars not everything has to either cost like fucking you know like you saw the indiana jones or whatever oh yeah yeah however much it cost to make and it was like that was kind of like the best example of like

who wants this? Harrison Ford doesn't want it. He clearly doesn't, didn't want to do any of this. He's pushing 80. Yeah, exactly. At a certain point, and I love Harrison Ford, and he's a dude we left off like action stars. You got fucking Blade Runner, you got Star Wars, Indiana Jones, but like... Yeah, that's a good point. Air Force One's a fucking classic. The Fugitive. Fugitive's incredible. That's a great fucking movie. Great movie. He's a very interesting, he's a really interesting like...

guy to talk about because it's like you wouldn't just think about him as an action hero. That's true. But Indiana Jones, I mean the first Star Wars. Star Wars, yeah, exactly. Yeah, Patriot Games. First one's so fucking good. I guess he's a little in the, these are really genre movies that are so big. Right. They kind of crossed over, but yeah. Blade Runner, yeah. What I love about Harrison Ford, you ever heard those stories of him going to Comic Con and they're like, Han Solo, and he's like, go home.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Go get laid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's awesome. He's just been famous for so long that he just hates his fans. Yeah. Still got the earring, which I don't love. I love it. I'm going to go earring soon. You're going to get the loop? Yeah. I think so. I've decided. I'm going away for like four months, and I'm going to come back looking hilarious. I'm just kidding.

I'm not telling you guys anything else. Wait, what is now? I'm tired of taking my appearance so serious, guys. It's a prison having to look like this. It's a prison. Having to look so clean cut. The upkeep, the maintenance.

But yeah, I don't know. I got a couple ideas. I don't want to spoil them. All right. Where are you going to go? Greece? I bought a place in Baltimore that's just like...

you know, I'm going to chill there for a little bit, you know. Hell yeah. And then who knows? I don't know. I'm just going to take a little time off. You should tape reinventing yourself. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. That's a good idea. Salacuse, hello. Oh, yeah, yeah. Salacuse was with me for four months. Yeah. I would probably strangle Matt if I had to see him in four months. Oh, God. Yeah. He's the man. He's the man. But can you imagine just that camera? You're having a bad day. You wake up and he's like, so, what are you thinking for breakfast? Yeah.

I told him I opened for Jimmy Carr at Carnegie Hall. I snuck him in. He's in the bowels of Carnegie Hall hiding like a rat in a broom closet. He's got a Hawaiian shirt on and a giant rig on his back. He's like, all right, I'm going to put a gimbal in your front pocket. We'll get a full shot of the audience. Then I'm going to lobby up under your shirt. I was like, all right, all right, great. I go out there and he goes...

We shoot. We do the set. It goes great. I come back. I'm like, this is going to be some great footage. We go to a diner. We get some pancakes. We check it. Gimbal never was turned on. Then I go, well...

At least we got the audio. That battery died a month ago. We got nothing out of it. So I snuck this guy in. I risked it all just to get nothing. Well, at least you got a lot of opportunities to play Carnegie Hall. Yeah, yeah, exactly. This is a one-take Jake, and he fucked it. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Classic. I should have gone with you. I was so fucking tired, and I was going to Australia in like a day. Oh, yeah.

That's true. That trip's fucking brutal. That's a long flight. Yeah. You know, it's not even like, I mean, obviously we love Sal, because we love busting his balls, but it's like, there is something about, I'm just tired of being taped constantly. Of course, of course. It's like, we're fucking, like... You're literally complaining about that with three cameras on your face. I know, I know, but it's like... It's a lot. I know, but at least we're good enough friends where I don't really give a fuck, where it's like, this is pleasant. Yeah, right. But it's like, you know...

And again, it's like if you're doing it for a reason, like I'm going to go promote the special. I'm excited to do a couple of the big shows. It's going to be fun. Like that's part of the job. But it's like, you know, it's like even what we were just talking about. It's like part of me is like, yeah, it would be good content to fucking. I know. He just said it. I would rather I need, you know, it's just like. That's not the. It doesn't count as relaxing. At a certain point. Exactly. If a camera's on, it's not. You're working. You're working. You're working. You know. You're working. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I like the comedians coming up had like a mystique to them and that's like all gone I feel like we're now like you don't know everything I mean I think about it now like if there was like Rogan in the 70s with Dangerfield he'd be like on there talking about Watergate and shit for three hours that's hilarious I don't really buy the golf

a tongue kiss I think there's something fishy going on I mean it's just like we all talk so much and it's like every angle now yeah yeah exactly why do we have to weigh in on like I know everything international politics yeah exactly it's like yeah I have a

Let's just say I share certain proclivities with Rodney Dangerfield. And it's like, just to be a fat, drug-addled whoremonger, you don't really want that guy's fucking tape. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I'll tell you what they should do in Ukraine. Yeah, you're right. I never thought about it. Like Bob Newhart is talking about Netanyahu. We don't need that. You know?

It's weird. Be a comedian. Go be funny. I heard Judd made a good Newhart Rickles doc, too, now. All these comedy docs. Touching. Touching trailer. Rickles is just the cool... What is the Rickles... You know the classic Rickles Sinatra joke? Of course. There's that one, and there's a two. The one I love is when he's just like, you know, Sinatra saved my life, you know? You know, a bunch of guys were beating me up, and Frank came over and said, enough. Yeah! Yeah!

I've never heard that one. That's a good one. I mean, he has so many classics. I love his in Casino, the behind the scenes where he's just busting De Niro. Yes, yes. He's like, they paid you fucking $10 million. You can't remember the lines? You need fucking cue cards? Come on, just say it fast. Let's get the fuck out of here. And De Niro's just laughing.

Yeah, yeah. Him and Dirty Work, they just let him go. I just rewatched that, and that scene is insane. It's insane. The jokes are one thing, but then when he just gets to Artie Lang's stomach, goes, hello, ice cream, having fun in there? To his stomach? It's like, what a weird, amazing insult. And it's weirdly clean and wholesome somehow. He's not like, you fat piece of shit. He's like, hey, ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes with a baby gorilla. Yes, yes. That's good stuff. How was Australia? We never heard about it. It was great. I mean, the trip is- How long were you there? I wasn't there long. I did a couple days in Brisbane, a couple days in Melbourne. Bruce Vegas, baby. Bruce Vegas. Yeah. I will say, without question, they were the worst crowd. Yeah, they sucked it. And they knew it. They knew it. They're fucking animals. That's a road room.

but then, uh, yeah, Melbourne was incredible. I popped into a bar, dude, you would love this. I, I, I had like a night off in Melbourne and I was like, I'm just going to go to a bar and get drunk by myself. Fuck it. You know, I had a tour manager there, but I'm like, nah, he's like, if you need anything, I'm like, no, be with your daughter. I'll, I'll handle this. Yeah. I find a bar called Nick and Nora's like old school noir. The whole menu is, uh,

Like femme fatale cocktails. Hard-boiled detective cocktails, which I don't think hard-boiled detectives were drinking these like pointy-toity. But they were, dude, it was like, we got to recreate this drink on this pod in a holiday app. It's called the, it's like a brown butter old-fashioned. It's made with rum and like, it tastes like butterscotch, but it's an old-fashioned. It's fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah.

Pet a kangaroo. Yeah, you got to do it. Did the classic stuff. Saw our old buddy James Smith in Sydney. James Smith, the man. Love James. Did you ever know James? I don't think so. Very funny Australian guy. Moved back to Sydney. He was like one of the cellar guys in that crew back in the day. Australian guy, tall, great head of hair. Ball buster. Why'd he move back? He's sick.

But I still remember he was just a shit talker. I still remember. So funny. We left Gotham once, and it was the rain, and I saw these four women waiting for a cab, and I just watched them sneak in front of them, steal their cab, slam the door in their face, and I watched him laughing as the cab pulled away.

He was hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Old school. He was just such an asshole in a beautiful way. He pulled it off somehow. Because he was also, he had a sweetness to him, too. And he was obsessed with comedy. Obsessed. So he opens for Chris Rock whenever they go out there and all that. But I was in a cab with him once. We went to a house party, and it sucked. And he's like, why the fuck would you take me here, mate? This is dead. And he's like, let me take you to a proper bar. I can't do the accent. But we're-

I can't do Australian. But we get into this cab and we're hammered and it's two in the morning and we head to a bar and the driver smelled like a horrific BO. And he was like, why don't you take a shower? It's coming through the glass. The guy's like, fuck you, fuck you. It didn't faze him at all. He's just telling a guy, you smell like shit. There was a night at the cellar when Chris Tucker dropped in and

And they were like, he's going to bump you. And James said, no. And they were like, he goes, I'm not going to. He's a movie star. He's not a real comic. I won't do it. And Noam goes, I'm not going to tell a guy who makes 10 million a movie that he can't go on stage here. And James goes, I'll tell him. Oh.

He got bumped, but he did. He did say, I mean, to his credit. But he didn't do it with class. But he did it kicking and screaming. He made a, he was. I respect him. He was a, he was like a purist and his bits were really good. Great jokes. Very funny. You would have really liked it. No, I missed it. Yeah, he must have, because I got here nine years ago, I think, eight years ago. His comedy seller recs were Greg Giraldo and Colin Quinn. No way. Wow. That's nice. Pretty good. Yeah.

No, that's awesome. Yeah, that's a fucking brutal flight. I mean, you were only there for how many days? Not a long time. I got very lucky on the way back because I had one of those lay flat seats, thank God. And I was like, you know, I'm looking. It's 11.30 p.m. in New York. Two muscle relaxers, glass of wine. Slept the whole time? I tried. But when I get on the flight, there's a lady, must have been an insanely rich woman. She's with her husband, her baby who's teething.

The baby will not stop screaming. She's right behind me. I'm like, dude, I bought this. Yeah, right. You should be able to legit drug a baby on a flight. Yeah, yeah. Just hit it with one of these.

She's picking it up. He's like, boomerang. I drug him. She's like, he's not breathing. I'm like, it's okay. I'm just going to take a nap. Yeah, he'll be fine. He'll be fine. Yeah, so she's like, hey, my nanny is back there. She has two nannies with her in first class. In first class. Yeah, which is hilarious. And she goes, do you want to, because my baby is so loud. I've never heard a person be considerate like this. It also helps that she's insanely rich. She goes, do you want to switch with my nanny?

And I was like, yes, it's behind a barricade. It's still a lay flat. She says the same thing that the woman said next to me. I slept like a baby. What a nice lady. Considerate lady. Huge. I mean, if you have two nannies...

Yeah. It's probably like, you know. Yeah, you're doing all right. Yeah, yeah. Two nannies, too. That's insane. But then I almost missed the connect. I had to connect in LAX, and I almost pulled a fucking cigar at that airport. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. No, they were. Dude, you have to recheck your bag, you know, international. I hate that shit. And then you have to re-go through security, no pre-check. Oh!

I was drenched in sweat. No pre-check. I know. Brutal. I almost missed the flight. The guy, as I'm waiting for my bag, the guy's like, oh, you shouldn't, they shouldn't have let you do this. You're fucked. And I was like, fuck you. Damn. But I made it. I made it by an eyelash.

Good for you, yeah. Why do they do that with a close connection like that? It happens every time. I'm always running through an airport for a connection. It's always American Airlines for me, but I don't know. Yeah. We don't want to be the guys complaining about air travel with no pre-check. You know what I mean? Like flying first class. I know. We've got to speed forward to the next topic. Yeah. You're right. Let me just say this. You're right. Well, I sounded out of touch there. I'm sorry.

I was grateful on the other one, though. Yeah, you know, these lay flat seeds, you can get so fat, even those aren't that comfortable. Some obese guy in a Southwest middle seat hearing me say that wants to kill me. You're talking to the flight attendant? This filet mignon's not that good. Just not. Right. I said brown butter, old-fashioned. Thank you. Yeah.

Speaking of being filmed too much, so I saw Keith Robinson last night at the VU, and he's got some great new stuff. He's got a special coming on Netflix. Can't wait to see that. I don't know when. I think Keith is taping December 19th, and Rachel Feinstein is taping December 18th. Oh, hell yeah. You should go to both of them. And J.P. McDade is taping, when is it, Eldridge? Oh, nice.

December 17th. Three straight days, guys. 17th, 18th, 19th. Hell yeah. Three killer specials. If you're a fucking weird comedy fan, that is actually an awesome weekend, like long weekend for sure. Hell yeah. We're producing JP specials. Sorry, plugs on plugs. And of course, Fat Rascal out on Netflix now, folks. There you go. Netflix has been killing it. Like you, Barbossa, what's her face? Shang Wang, you know,

Rachel's getting one. Shane as well, yeah. And I produced Dina Hashem's special, which is on Amazon right now, Dark Little Whispers. So check that out. There you go. Great jokes. But yeah, so Keith is on stage. His new shit's amazing. He has two strokes for the folks at home. He's got incredible jokes about it. Incredible stroke material. And there's a guy in the front row who has had a stroke. Hell yeah. And it's a worse stroke than his. Keith can be like, how you doing, whatever. This guy's like...

You're so funny. I mean, I hate to do the voice. I can't do accents. It's as good as your Australian. Well, they sound similar. No. Can you move your left side? No. And the next comedian had Down syndrome, and there was a guy in the front row with even worse Down syndrome. Mark, take it away. No. He was black and was saying the N-word too, by the way. Mark? Mark?

All right. Just put a picture of Shane Gillis. All right. So this guy's in the front row, and he's dying laughing at Keith. You know, we always talk about representation. That is representation right in front of you. So then Keith goes, what the fuck? You had a stroke? And he goes, I had a stroke. And he goes, you trying to outstroke me? And the place is going apeshit. And then Keith grabs the guy's cane, and he goes...

You got a cane, motherfucker. You got props. He's doing the whole thing. And it was gold. It was just murdering, murdering, stroke on stroke crime. And then he gets off and I was like, Keith, that was incredible. You got to get that video. And he goes, fuck your content. There you go. Then I opened the door for him. Yeah. As he was walking out, I talked to him for a while last night. He goes, I got one more hour in me after this. Yeah. I saw him years ago before even the stroke. And he goes.

I'm good. One more Avenger movie and I'm good. That's awesome. Still young, too. I know. I know. But I respect young, but seems older than he's just been around forever. Yeah. But yeah, Keith Robinson is like a class. So fucking funny. So funny. Yeah. We want to get him on here, but I don't know what the voice is like. I have an RFK Junior. Yeah.

There's a clip of Keith losing Star Search in like 92. Oh, that's a classic. Dude, it's incredible. It's like some skinny white guy just like jumps up and like, yes, yes. Here's Keith like this. Just so angry. You can pull it up. It's like short. It's like fucking hilarious. I think Chappelle won this as well. Chappelle beat Kevin Brennan. Oh, man. I mean, both had killer sets. I mean, like, you know, it's like 19-year-old Chappelle and he does a fucking...

93. Look how cute. He looks like Martin Lawrence. Oh, that guy's been in stuff. Oh, wow. That's crazy. The pump is crazy. Look at that shirt. It's amazing that someone just posted that. I know. Hold on. Let me see this again.

Oh, man. Poor Keith. That's awesome. I feel like everyone was on that show back in the day. Didn't Norm also lose it or something? Norm was on it, too, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was back then when there was like three outlets. You had Carson, Star Search, and maybe an HBO something or other. Yeah. One Night Stand. Yeah. Or what was that other one on A&E? Oh, yes. Improv. Evening at the Improv. Evening at the Improv. Yeah. Didn't Caroline's have something? Oh, yeah, maybe. Still in the fucking West Side?

Yeah. It looked weird. Yeah. Well, now, because, you know, the internet is bittersweet. We bitch about it, but it's like, there's no gatekeepers, there's too much content, we've got to be filmed all the time, but you're also like, I can just put shit up and not think about it. Are you kidding me? That's the thing, it's like, there has to be some kind of balance. All I'm saying is there has to be a balance, right? Like, it is awesome, truly awesome,

I mean, I've talked about it before. The only, what changed my career was just posting on Instagram. There you go. It was like, it was literally posting videos. Yeah. No big break. There was just slowly at one day people started coming up to me and I was like, like, you know, I would get like a, uh,

like there'd be some guy who was pale and couldn't make eye contact. And I was like, come down fan. Right. That would happen to me. And I'd be like, what's up, dude? I ever see a hell. Yeah, dude. Thanks for listening. Yeah. And that would happen from time to time. But one day it just like, you know, I remember mom came up to me. Wow. Nice. Like, like a nice black lady on like a, it was in Vegas on like some kind of like work trip. And she was like, Hey, I'm a really like your comedy. And I was with my buddy Ben and he was like, what the fuck was that?

It was just like a nice black mom. Yeah. And I was like, what? Yeah, you went from here to here. I remember that. You were posting every day for a year. It was weird, dude. But yeah, so I can't complain about that. But I'm just like... Well, random people find you. It's kind of cool. People sometimes will stop me on the street and it's the weirdest. It's like so not the type of guy I am, but I'm still appreciative. A guy stopped me on the street. Didn't even stop me. Just walks by me. And I see him lock eyes with me and he just goes...

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, that's not the type of guy I am like this, but, you know, I appreciated it. No, my favorite is when it's people you have, you're like, really? Yes. Yes. I was at the Pittsburgh Improv and there was just like, it felt like a couple that was both freshly divorced and they were back to acting like 20-year-olds where they're just like, just like this, you know, maybe late 40s, early 50s, like white couple that's just,

making out and she's all over each other and it's like hell yeah dude some guy some guy was just Cialis running through his fucking system it's just him and his lady fucking put on their best Kohl's outfit and came out to fucking see me call people gay in the front row well you you bring out a sexual energy people see you and they get turned on like I'm serious you have like a naughty

nastiness about you. Confidence, a swagger. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the opening of the special is hilarious where you have a woman being like, you were the best. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? I tried to do a little... Because I love... Those sketches are a classic thing in stand-up where it's like... I was of two minds where it's like, these just aren't funny most of the time. Sure. But there is something awesome about it feeling like a special when there's a sketch. So I just did a very...

I was just like, it's got to be short, but I think it's a minute long. You played it perfectly. It was perfect. It was your vibe. It was hilarious. The special's killer. I know you will watch it, but watch it. It's fucking hilarious. Between us, I was at the New York Comedy Club the other day. I was in the green room, and I was with seven female comics randomly, and they were talking about who's hot.

like who's the hot comics are and your name came up and you did surprisingly well. They were like something about him. I mean, he's hideous but he's got this like swagger. There's your exact words, Mark. But no, you got a musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all pheromones. Yes, yes. I picked you with two thighs and your glasses askew and you're just munching. That's the dream scenario. Chicken thighs. I did have some

Hey, that's the best part of the chicken. Absolutely. Thank you. Yes. Are you a jerk chicken guy? I'll get some jerk chicken. I go crazy with jerk chicken. I live in Queens. I don't live in, like Brooklyn has more jerk chicken spots. I don't have, that's the one ethnic group, food group we don't really have in Astoria. Right. But I do like a jerk chicken for sure. Love it. What's your, your, your Greek is number one, right? I like a Peruvian chicken. That's great. We have a great spot in Astoria that I will not say. Uh,

Because I need some things to myself. Right, right. But it is fucking awesome. And D.C. and Baltimore have good Peruvian chicken, too. But yeah, you know, I'm all over the place. I mean, I was just... We were just in, like, Missouri. Had some fucking...

The barbecue was great. Where in Missouri? St. Louis and Kansas City. Two of the best barbecues. Where did you go? Spitfire in St. Louis? I was in Kansas City with Caleb Heron. You guys know him? I know the name. He's a younger comic. He's from there. He lives there. He spends time between there and LA. It was just like...

I was considering like just getting some road bullshit. Like, you know, you find a place on the road that's a chain and you're like, this is semi-healthy. Right. I know what it is. We became yard house boys. We became yard house boys. I don't mind yard house. It has a salad. You know what I mean? It's got like a nice salad. It's got like a...

You can get a steak bowl. You can get a little something. Yep. And if you want to be slutty, you can be slutty as well. It's got it all, right? Yeah. So we were going to eat there, and I tell Caleb this, and he's like, if you eat at a chain and not barbecue, I'll kill myself. So I was like, all right, we're going. Do you remember where you went in KC? Elders, what was it? Do you remember? I don't know. It was like a newer place. It said it was only an open place.

Ooh, that's a risk. It was new, but he swore by it. Okay. He's a fellow plus-size champion. I get trashed with him. Gates and Casey is pretty great. I love Gates. But there's a famous, like, gas station one. Yeah. This place was fucking great. But it fucked me up so... Like, it's so funny, dude. It's like... It's the time is a flat circle thing. The last time I did this podcast...

Or maybe one of the last, I don't remember. But I was just talking about how, man, I got to get it together. I'm getting too fucking fat. And it's like, now I'm even fatter than I was. And I've had the same experiences. Like, I was talking about how fucked up I was in Philly. In Kansas City, I literally, I was so fucked up off barbecue. I straight up was like, a girl was like, can I come over and fuck? And I was like...

I kind of had too much barbecue. I hit that level of fat where I'm just like, damn, bro. My dick would have been hilariously pathetic. This girl would have been like fucking like massaging like silly putty. Oh, man. I just like, I couldn't.

I couldn't put her through that. Yeah. It was going to take a lot of effort to get my dick going. Barbecue's got to be the worst. It's just meat and sugar. Sugar, fat, meat. It tires you out. It tires you out. It gets your blood thick. Yes, yes. You've got to eat it at noon because you need eight hours to digest and just sit there before the show. That's what happened. We had it early, but it still fucked my entire day. Damn.

And yeah, I'm just like. And then you think like, God, I can't do shows after too much because I don't stop. I have no willpower to stop. And I go hard on the sauces because they put those squeeze bottles on the table and I won't stop. It feels good. It feels good to go fucking buck wild. It's lube. KC is probably the best barbecue in America. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. I mean, the barbecue I had was so good. I mean, the Texas stuff is awesome. That fucks me up.

Yeah, that's heavy. I get that big fucking dinosaur rib. Yes. Fucking beef. Yes. It's so good, but it's like, and by the way, in Texas, you can, by the time, you can spend $150. I know. And you're like, this seems like a just, it's a little excessive, but it's not $140 worth of food. No, agreed. But they weigh it out and they fuck, you know. That's the other thing, it's like, you have to get there early for it to be good. Oh.

Like you have to get there, like everyone has to get there at like 11. You have to line up at like 11. Yeah. It's like that's your day, bro. Right. You just decided you're fucked. Like Franklin's in Austin, that line is insane. Crazy line. That's exactly what I was thinking of. Stubs, yeah. But it's incredible. It's incredible. That brisket is like fucking butter. But it's like fucking a hooker where you're like, this is great. And then after you're like, ooh. I know. That was a mistake. The second you bust. Yeah. That's what, when you're even considering it and you jack off and you're like,

Thank you. Yeah. Yes. Like I feel bad now. Yeah. Thank God. I went to sweet green, you know, that's like a jerk off. Yeah.

yes exactly it's just got a nice fast casual lunch yeah yeah yeah it's not the healthiest thing on sweet green you got extra dressing yeah you had some bread yeah but it's not it's not bar it could be worse it could be a lot worse yeah yeah yeah the barbecue is i think that's the one thing i can't do on the road anymore like i'll i'll do it occasionally in those cities but like if if i have options i love a little greek i love a little like you know love greek um

Mediterranean is a nice middle ground where it's just like meat, rice, couple veggies. Yeah. You're okay. It's not the worst. It's not the best, but you got your bases covered. I don't touch the pita. Yeah. Everything else, I mean, it's good to – I love the pita, but it's too much. I like to keep it, yeah, light. A little tzatziki. Is that the one? Tzatziki, yep. Yeah. Stav makes a nice tzatziki. Oh, really? Yeah, you got to come to Queens.

All right. Come over to Astoria. I am thinking about, I've told Sam this and this dick keeps getting hard. I'm thinking about moving into the city next week. Whoa. Okay. I'll believe it when I see it. I don't want to be pushy, but I was with, I've seen a trainer now and she's, and she's like, I'm like, you should see Stav. He's my friend. People at this gym, I think they'll like you. Stav, you'll get a lot of high fives. Of course, of course. And, and she was like, let's send him a video. I was like, let's wait. But I, but she said, if you want to come with me tomorrow, free session. Tomorrow.

10 a.m. What are you kidding? Let's see how he gets out of this one. I'm going to press tomorrow at 10 a.m. Or I would have considered coming up with a different experience.

But if you move down there, you should see her. She's awesome. We'd love to have you in the city because you've gotten more people to Astoria than the Mets. You know, you get them out there. You did to Astoria what Rogan did to Austin. It's pretty annoying. We want you downtown. I'm thinking about it just to fucking do it. Just live near me, dude. Just be a downtown boy. I just want to, like, kick it more. I know. It'd be awesome. And the thing is, like, we talk about this all the time where it's like, what's the point of, like,

working so hard if you don't ever get to enjoy shit. Like, I love my apartment, but it is the apartment I moved to when I had no money. Right. But now you do have it to yourself. I have it to myself. That's true. Not really, I have it to the fucking podcast studio. Ah, yeah. It's like two of the three bedrooms are podcast studio and office. Right. You know what I mean? It's more office than it is my fucking... I feel more like a Japanese businessman. Ha ha ha.

You guys have to fucking sleep or else, you know, it's possible. Your bed is on the floor. It's low, but there's a... I put a little wood. Oh, okay, okay. Do you like shitting where you eat, though? That's got to be like a little weird. No, I don't like it. It's too much. Yeah, it's weird, right? You want... Like, I like that we come here and it's like a different place than where I live. And even the Are You Garbage guys have a great... Beautiful. I'm just like, we should do something like this. And it's like, even if I don't do it...

It's like a couple years because I'm like, I'm going to be off the road most of next year. So I want to actually enjoy New York. I actually want to live here. And I actually want to like, I'll probably do like, you know, local stuff. I might do like residencies and work on material that way. But I just, I got to fucking chill for a little bit. And I figured if I'm going to be in New York, my goal is just be here spring and fall.

and just enjoy new york in the spring falls the best city oh amazing so if i could just get a sick apartment that is unsustainable because i don't like i don't spend money on anything yeah i really don't so i just get like the sickest place of all time and just enjoy it for a year or two and then totally see what happens after that

I agree. If you're paying the taxes, you might as well live in the city. Exactly. That is true. Yeah, I'm paying the taxes and I'm living like a Baltimore life quality. Yeah. I do love Astoria, but man. Whenever you go through your taxes, you're just like, so this is why people leave New York. Yeah. I know.

I know. It's really crazy. Yeah, this is the first year I've been rich, and I'm like, damn, this sucks dick, dude. It sucks, because Shane showed me the difference, and I was like, oh, I get it now. He's like, I don't want to move to Texas, but like... You better not fucking move to Texas. I'm not moving to Texas, but... I'm trying to get this guy to the fucking village. You move to Texas, I'll kill myself. No, no, no, I'm not going anywhere, but it was like jarring. Oh my God, that's a big number. I mean, look, I love visiting Texas, living in Texas. No, no.

Same. I love visiting. It's a great place. It's too hot in the summer. It would be great if you could just live there. Dude, I really did the math where I was like,

Damn, maybe I should move. But then it's like, if you're on the road in the winter, which is when the best tour... That's when ticket sales are the best, people come out in the winter the most. True. And then you have your summers off. That's when the road is the worst, right? Yeah, yeah. You want to spend it... You want to leave when Texas is the best and then have to stay there when it's 125 fucking degrees. Yeah. It is unbearable. Anyway, whatever. Who gives a fuck? No, no, no. I'm with you. I love New York. I do just love New York. And I just...

Sometimes you just feel like, yeah, this is where you don't. The choice has been made for all of us, I feel like. Could you imagine any of us not living here? It would be weird. It would be weird. And every time I leave. He's barely. Oh, yeah. He can't function. Yeah. He can't drive. He needs a bodega. He can't put in a Volkswagen Jetta in the suburbs. Yeah. You know that Japanese show where they have the toddlers going to run errands? Do that with Sam in fucking Kansas. That's a great show. That's great. Sam with no help.

Do a return at a Target in the suburbs. I haven't had a coffee. Me waiting for an Uber in Omaha. I'm like, oh, come on. 20 minutes. Dude, it's brutal. I can't function here. So if you guys left, I'd be fucking sad. Right. Yeah.

No, I get it. I get that New York is one of the most unlivable places ever. It's the best, but it is the best. It's the best. I love it, yeah. It fucks you in weird ways. Like, you know when you go on the road, you have a great time. You're like, that was an awesome trip, great club, great crowd. And you get back and you land at JFK or whatever, and it's just jizz hitting you in the face. You know, you're like, I can't get an Uber. The lines are crazy. I just got bumped. Somebody called me an asshole. I'm stuck in gridlock traffic on the BQE. Like, fuck this city. But...

But if that's the thing, it's like, again, we love it. And it's like, what's the point of working? And like, we all got so lucky to get rich. What's the point of doing that and not living somewhere else? Because New York is a lot easier rich, dude. It's a lot easier. Remember how horrible it used to be? Totally. Almost every annoying thing.

If you spend $150, it can be fixed. Right, right. And it's like, but back when you didn't have that, that was bull. I remember fucking the train. I mean, I live in the same apartment. I've taken the train like 10 times this year. Really? Because I'm in Astoria, so it's like I'll just drive places. Oh, yeah, yeah. But back in the day, it's like, oh, yeah, sorry, the train from the cellar to Astoria. That's crazy. At fucking 1 a.m. Yeah. It would be like, all right, well, we're actually going...

To the end of, we're going to Forest Hills, then you have to turn around. Yeah, yeah, right. I was just like, great. Oh, I remember going on the train with my laundry and then going to a laundromat and then waiting. And the whole thing took like nine hours. That doesn't even make sense to me. There's not a laundromat walking distance? Not where I lived. No. I also got bed bugs in Bushwick and my friend's like, what are you going to do? And I was like.

I'll probably just live with them. You know, I just had to play wrote out. I'll just have bed bugs I couldn't afford an exterminator. I couldn't afford to move so I just had bed bugs I remember Brooklyn for like for like a year. I didn't have the L train and that was my only train home. Yeah, I was like, oh yeah That was insane. Even living in Brooklyn's hilarious. That's how much of a New York Jew you are that do you being in Brooklyn? I'm like Jesus Christ That's true that was a different time

You had those two lady roommates. I remember. I slipped. I crashed on that couch a few times. And we watched a whole season of Eastbound and Down when you were hungover. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. I could barely move. You brought me a smoothie, which I still appreciate. I have a lot of sympathy for anyone with a hangover. Oh, yeah. It was after the Christmas party. Oh.

I remember, it's so funny that I don't react to it. No joke, folks. Sorry. You couldn't have leaned the other way? I'm the guest here. I know. Usually you do put it on me. It felt like a righty. I don't know why.

That is really... Why are you so gassy? What is it? I don't know. What did you have yesterday for food? Me and a friend went to Frankie. Little Frankie's at Pasta Joint on Eastside or East Village. Yes. Killer. I think I'm just getting all the carbs out. I think that was good. Very nice. Underrated Italian joint. That is a fucking bad far mark. Woo, doggie. That's not a good... Oh, we got Febreze. Nice. Well played. You went on Amazon and ordered Febreze because of this fucking guy's asshole.

That's for me. There you go. We both got our problems. You need a more absorbent couch. Yeah, and it really bounces. This is a bounce, dude. You need to cut out a cloth section for Mark's ass. That's not bad. Remember when you were smoking weed in college and you would put, like, fucking dryer sheets in a brown paper towel holder? You need to start spoofing your own farts. Yeah.

You can put a little mic in there so it picks it up. And then a fucking Febreze comes out. That's pretty good. We might invent an instrument. Yeah, fart spoof. That's like a, it is a pasta fart. I smell it. Yeah, yeah. You smell the oregano? I had mussels too. That ain't pretty. Mussels. That's where the fishiness comes in. I fucking love mussels. A little umami. A little umami in that. Nice pasta. Maybe I'll have a little fucking pasta.

fucking problem you know i might get some tacos after this baby in a story or you got a place here that's good yeah that my friend keeps telling me about that i haven't gone to it popped up on my google maps i was coming here it knows yeah yeah yeah yeah it does do you guys ever do ways i used to be a ways guy when i drove all the because i mean in balt for the first five years of the comedy i was in baltimore but i went to dc

pretty much every night. Really? Yeah, yeah, because the scene was better. And I was... When Waze first came out, I was a Waze believer. Yeah. And I think Google ended up buying Waze. Oh, okay. So it ended up being the same shit. But sometimes Waze will have you doing some...

That's true. Cutting through an alley or trying to. Right. It'll give you the absolute best case scenario where it's like, well, if you can make this left on a fucking eight lane highway, you'll save three minutes. Right. Awesome. And then you get there and it's like, oh, I'm fucked. Yeah. Fifteen minutes. Is that the one that tells you if cops are nearby? Yes. That's great. That I like. And then people help you. They'll be like, watch out. There's a speed trap up here. You know. Wow.

So that's pretty nice. I enjoyed it, and I did it for that purpose where I was like, I felt like I was one of the good guys, which is like warning you about the traps and like the cops and shit. But it was also very unsafe because you're like typing in while you're driving. You're like, cop on the right side. Oh, yeah. Good point. It was very unsafe. Yeah. Then someone's like, guy wrecked who is trying to help on the right side.

It probably, if you're drinking and driving, that's probably what you use, right? Oh, yeah. Good point. Yeah, I don't know. You ever have the guy in like an Uber, you're kind of cutting it close on a flight, and he's like, fuck this GPS, I know a better way. That makes me so nervous. Yeah. I'm like, they might know a better way, but they might not. I don't know.

i don't know now we could just get stuck on a side street i know what you mean but that feels almost like that's almost like romantic to me at this point because every cabby i've had for the last like 10 have asked me to put my address into ways yes i'm just like what is going on i hate that this feels wrong guys right right supposed to know the best way it's like a hooker going how do i blow you

Come on. This is your gig. I know. I could have done Uber. Back in the day, cabbies used to have to know the map. They'd have to study it and then take a test on it. That's over. Yeah. That's over. I do kind of like... I mean, some cities you go to, you're just like, this hotel, and they're like, on it. Right. Yeah, that's nice. The cabbies, you know? Well, there's four fucking places to go. Right, right. But yeah, I'm with you. There's something... I land at Newark or whatever, I put my thing in, and I'm like, I do kind of miss... Yeah.

Them just knowing them. I know. And then you have to just fucking touch some guy's Android. Cover, cover. You have to touch some fucking Jamaican Android. Like jerk chicken. Yeah, jerk chicken. Jamaican Android.

All right. Speaking of food, I got a peeve that is so specific that I can only do it with a foodie here. Yeah, food. Thanks. Food is what he was thinking, folks. That's the word. The F he was about to say.

Yeah, yeah. All right, so... By the way, whenever I see you gather like that and you don't fart, I'm shocked. Oh, yeah. He just did one of these. I'm like, wow, that was... I still had some heat under me. I had to let it loose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is a silly one. This is a stingy, cunty move of me, but... Ooh, okay. Also, stingy, I don't think, is what you were thinking, but go ahead. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So you ever go to, I love pho. Yes. Love a good pho. Great hungover meal, by the way, because it just, everything. I might just have it. Fuck it. I haven't had it in a while. Yeah, it's great. And it just cleans you out. You're snotty. You're sweaty. It's great. But hey, hey, we might be drunk. Brought to you by Manscaped. This Christmas, take care of those nuts. Manscaped is made serious. Your grooming is in check with a fresh, ah, shit.

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dr drunk d-r-n-k uh happy holidays you quiffs you ever have this one you go order a bowl of pho they bring out that i love that little plate of the goodies the herbs you get the basil you get the bean sprouts you get the lime and the jalapeno okay we're all on the same page they bring a little plate it's the same every time i go with the wife we get two bowls of pho

one plate to share crazy come on i know what you're doing there vietnamese man but you didn't you you must have asked for another plate i couldn't do it what mark well i feel bad i don't want to be the karen or whatever you know i'm not being a karen i don't want him to pull out a phone and go this motherfucker asked for the right side of history i thought so but why can't you just ask that it's a pretty basic he's gonna go where inflation being a pussy i didn't want to

pushing it's on the opposite stop and i have had korean food many a time absolutely and i do those little fixings they bring out i always ask for i love those really and i always ask for they here's a here's a i always ask for specific sauces at korean barbecue because they see white people come in and there's the bean sprout yeah the bean curd sauce bean curd sauce and the uh

the oil, the sesame oil. Oh yeah. It's much more expensive. Oh, sesame oil is expensive. Right. It's really expensive. They don't automatically put it out there. Exactly. I ask immediately. I don't even let the fucking, I don't let the menus at the table before I'm like, we're going to need a little. Maybe I'll do that. Sesame oil. And the other thing is, at least at the Korean place, when I do that, I feel like I've earned respect. Oh,

Oh. I have Korean respect because I'm a round eye who knows sauces. Oh, right, right. You're knowledgeable. Yeah, yeah. And it's not racist to say that. It is racist for me to picture him calling you that. It's racist to do the math. Why did I say that? But saying it's not racist. It's the rare... You walk into like, here comes Kim Jong-un. Yeah.

Now that was racist. I'm just saying, when I go to these VWs, I don't think Charlie likes giving up the condiments. How does this keep getting worse? I don't even know. But no, I really do think... Charlie doesn't like giving up the basil. That's all I'm saying. They try to divide it because they think I'm a round-eye who doesn't know. I'm in your camp.

He had to throw camp at the end too. But I do. I will ask for the sauce. I want to be marked as a – even though I'm white because I do – they're definitely an ethnic neighbor and ethnic restaurants. You will get – particularly I feel like Asian restaurants, you will get – it's a fight to get service. You're right. Like my mom, when I took her to – we took her to a Chinese place, great place in Chinatown. My mom loves Chinese food, right? Yeah.

Food was incredible. My mom hated it because my mom was a waitress for years. And the waitress was rude as fuck. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. They just tossed the shit. She's like, what do you want? Literally, they're like, what do you want? Yeah. As soon as you get there. There's no bedside manner. And you tell them. And then it's like, you know, shit comes out at weird times. And my mom was just like, couldn't.

Couldn't appreciate it, but I'm like, no, it's a fight to get the good food, Ma. You can't. This is what it's like for actual. I feel like Jamaican places are the same way. There was a place in Baltimore where it was just like they acted mad if you came in. Yes. If you think they're going to have everything, you're acting mad.

But I do like a little bit of humiliation. I do too. Yeah. I feel like I prefer. Really? A little bit. Because here's the thing. That's how you know the food is good. Yeah. That's the first. They're fresh off the boat. The food is where it's all going to. It's like the sadomasochism of a meal. Yeah. Where they're like, you little fucking twerp. That's not what it is for me. I don't have that. That's him. He likes that. Fuck you. I don't want to get my nuts crushed.

I don't want to get my nuts crushed by little house slippers. But I like it because it portends very good food. Right. That's the best. You want an ethnic restaurant that has no marketing. Yes. Has shitty plates and silverware. Yeah, nothing on the walls. They're not on Instagram. They're not fucking on TikTok. None of that shit. That's when it's good.

There are plenty of, and that's how I feel about Greek restaurants too, where it's like something happens when the second generation takes over and it's over. Interesting. Then they start fucking putting Edison bulbs up. Yes. They start serving shit on a wooden plank. Right. Instead of just fucking shitty semi-plastic plates or whatever. Exactly. And it's like once that happens, and they start having good customer service.

They have good reviews. The best ethnic food you get has three and a half stars because there are people, there are like hoity-toity motherfuckers that come in, don't like the fucking, how rude they are, don't like that the bathroom is filthy. That's a great point. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't give a fuck about any of that. I want the fucking finest dish served to me. Yes. The tastiest shit of all time. And that's what you get. I found particularly in most ethnicities,

ethnic places. I agree 100%. It's almost like seeing a comic and you're at a theater and this guy's wearing a hoodie and some hoity-toity person's like, this guy can't even get dressed up for his own show. And you're like, no, this guy's going to be better than the guy. This is Dave Attell. He looks like a janitor. He's not handing out fucking business cards. Yes, yes, exactly. You're like, that's a fucking hack. That's a hack. You know what I mean?

Same with the food. You want the quality in the food, not in everything else. You want a guy who hates his audience. Yes. You know what I mean? Exactly. You know, Chinese, some of the Chinese in the, fuck, that place across the street here used to be the best. Oh, it was good. Yeah, it was like, you'd get like shrimp with scrambled eggs, that type of Chinese place. Those fucking pork dumplings. I think like cold weather food.

For me, it doesn't get better than Chinese. Or, like, I love that Ukrainian-Russian style food. Sure, love that. Food where, like, culturally you're just, like, used to freezing to death. Yes, yes. And then they have, like, these amazing soups. It makes sense. It makes sense why that's the good shit. Yeah. Nepalese might be what you want, then. They kind of split the difference. What's that? It's just kind of, like, thicker Chinese, for lack of a better... Oh, really? It's kind of between Chinese and Indian a little bit. Those momo dumplings are fucking incredible. Oh, I like that. That's good stuff. Because, again, fucking...

Mount Everest. You know what I mean? Like, it's fucking cold. Yeah, yeah. We're just taking the good part of their culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. No, I mean, that's... I love a good borscht in the winter, man. A good fucking... Well, that's fucking cold. Yeah. No, I want it warm. Oh. No, no, no. You can get a hot borscht. A hot borscht? Oh, I've never gotten a hot borscht. The seller has it.

Interesting. It's very good. I'm not a boarish guy. Oh, big chunks of beef and carrots. It's great. Too peasant. Hello. Interesting. I love it. For the winter. It reminds me of Greek peasant food. Ah. Because there's northern Greece. Everybody thinks about the islands in southern Greece. My grandma's from like...

such so northern Greece that's like bordering you know the Balkans and shit like that and that's kind of cold and that shit is just like yeah to me it's like it's a bunch of fucking soup bunch of bean soups bunch of tomato shit I love bean soups oh bean soup really? what's like very oh you don't like lentil soup nah I'm sick of it

Every diner I go to and they go, I go, what's the soup of the day? I love a matzah. I love a chicken, noodle, rice, minestrone. They go, we got a Yankee bean or lentil. I'm like, should I just flip my wrist now? These are your options? Yankee bean or lentil? I can't get hyped for a fucking chicken noodle because I just associate it with being sick. I love a chicken noodle when I'm sick, but that's what I get when I'm sick. Interesting. Yes, I agree with that. Okay. I honestly, I need the place to be a soup place for me to eat soup there.

I don't want, because soup is bullshit if it's an afterthought. Right. Just fucking water and a couple fucking veggies. That's true. I need this to be your specialty. Got it. Like, that's why pho, even though pho is the definition of peasant food, it's like just simmering bones for a long ass fucking time. But you go to a pho place, they fucking care about their broth.

Yes. Their broth is like, they slave over that shit. Yeah. I love ramen, same thing. Same shit. That egg, the way they do those seasoned eggs. Ooh, baby. I want extra eggs, baby. Yeah. Yeah. I want to have five different meals after leaving here. I know. I want pho, ramen, and tacos. So my lady loves to cook. She just bought a slow cooker. Woo! Better than the old name, Tart Cooker. But...

Put that in my act. But that's the old term. But, I mean, this thing's great. You come home and the thing's steaming. You can smell like, ooh, she's got a minestrone going. Oh, there's a beef chili going. And it's so exciting. Chili's good. The only problem is you got to, you know, in this fast-paced world, I'm like, how long until the chili? She's like, you need another three hours. I'm like, God damn. I get the whole black eye thing. All right.

That's a Matt Rife joke. Can you believe how much trouble he got in for that? Did you see? Oh, yeah. Well, it's not. Look, the joke is whatever. Yeah. Not a strong joke. But it's also just people are looking. Right. Right. Yes. When you rise like this. Right. And you look like that. Right. Right. And it's also like.

You know, I haven't seen many of his crowd work stuff, but it's like, you know, he cares about comedy. I get it. He probably works hard on his act, but it's not the strongest, you know, punch lines you're going to fucking... So it's like people are just trying to take it. You know, they're looking for something. And it's like whenever you do a joke that is that subject matter... This is my thing about freedom. Whenever this comes up with freedom of speech in general with comedy, it's like it's not that you're not allowed to say something. It's that...

You have to make it good if you're going to do something hard. True. If you're taking one of these, like, open micers that want to say the N-word. Yeah. You're not, almost no one should, no, I'm not going to say never because it's just like I'm, you know, philosophically opposed to saying you can never say something. Yeah, yeah. But,

almost no one should of course no white person should say you know unless it's a really fun unless you're like really racist unless you've been cancelled you're trying to rebrand yeah on fox's streaming right fox nation yeah yeah yeah um but yeah so it's like that's my i think that's what people were upset about is just like look man

It was just not a good... Some people would have been mad if it was the best joke of all time. Sure. But then half of people wouldn't have. And so the fact that it's... He gets people that both want to come at him for comedy reasons and for, like, you know, tattletale, you shouldn't say that reasons. And together, that's a very powerful force. Yes, yes. Like, comedy nerds and, like, tattletales.

And a lot of ladies who didn't love comedy, maybe, who just like his face. I think that's the thing. It's like he brought in a lot of people who maybe weren't comedy fans. Right, right. And now they're just like, we didn't sign up for that. And we were like, well, we do that stuff all the time. I know, I know. I don't talk about the jokes. We beat women all the time. Yeah.

No, but I think you just have to... Like, when you get that big, you just are going to get people popping in. Yeah. But it's also an opening joke. Oh, it is. Structurally, like, we... It's like, start with something soft. Well, that's... Start with something like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree, but that's why people think he did it on purpose. That's, like, a big theory. Oh, what? That he did it on purpose to just kind of shed those ladies and show, like, I'm an edgy guy, and...

Now that I'll get dragged online, I'll get some buzz. Interesting. I don't know if he's that calculated. He did the thing of like, I'm just seeing if you guys are... Right, right, right, right. It's like, I would leave that off a special probably. Yeah, yeah. I've seen that done up to time. Sure, sure. But that's true. I guess that's one construction is like, go hard up top.

But it's like, that's hard to follow him. Just from a structural standpoint. Yeah, true. Like, that's why I always, like, look, Dick, there you go. It's all right. A small squeaker. Smally. His powers are getting weaker. Yeah.

I end with like sex stuff because it's like nothing can follow a bitch. No, no, no. You just can't. My closer right now is my closer because I can't follow it. Yeah. That's why it's my closer. There you go. And I don't mean it's like a great – it's just like it's that subject matter that would be hard to follow. Yeah, totally. I tried a little something different. Like for me, my entire career has been like fat jokes are kind of the great –

They're clean. They're a nice equalizer. Self-deprecating. Self-deprecating. You kind of get people on board. I wanted to do something a little different structurally this time where I started with a little bit more like I'm not a big topical guy. You know what I mean? But I started with a little more like just kind of shitting on Austin, which then got into tech stuff. Yeah. Kind of shitting on a couple things. And then I did a long story about...

In the front of the special, which I always used to think, like, structurally should go at the end. And then I got the fat jokes in the middle and I close on dick jokes. So it's like, I get... Like, I did that just to kind of fuck around. Just to, like, try something different. Yeah. Like, you know, try and make yourself...

and like, you know, earn more skills and make that story funnier and snappier and make it so you don't lose people's attention. I got to tell you, there's like a two month period on the road where people were checking out. But it's like, but it was too long. Yeah. You got to go through that. And I hadn't earned

I hadn't earned enough buy-in yet. And so I get playing around, and maybe he was trying to do that structurally of like, maybe I want to just do this. But I think it's all of that is the reason it was. But yeah, I don't think he deserved that much. I mean, whatever. You know. He'll be fine. Yeah, he's going to be fine. He's in arenas. He's in arenas. It's also people, you don't get that white hot without cooling off a little bit for a minute. Yeah. I think he'll be fine. But if he just had not done that special –

I don't think any like I don't think. Yeah, I don't know. I think I think they prep that special. Oh, yeah. On that joke. I think I don't maybe there probably would be less buzz about the special. That was that's the theory. But I tell theory about the right. Right. Like that's the thing about I will give him credit in that it feels similar to those where it's like everybody's talking about it.

Is everybody saying it's the best special they've ever seen in their lives? Yeah, yeah, right. No, but from a pure number standpoint, everyone is talking about it. Can't argue with the no. But I did watch a few of the – because I'm like, well, I want to see how angry these ladies are. And what's fascinating to me is they'll be like, well, I like the guy. Now I hate him because he condones violence against women. You're like, whoa, condones? It's a joke about violence towards women. Where did you get the condoning thing? But it goes – exactly. But it goes to Stav's theory. Like the jokes, when you go there, they have to be home runs. Right, right.

And that's why, you know, I mean, that's why people get in trouble normally from podcasts. Yes. Yes. You're just talking. Structured. But when you bring that in a special, you want, and you go there, you want it to be an A joke. So you're fucked, round A. That whole thing. That's going to come back to haunt you. But, you know, he's also a young guy. And I think when you get this, you know, heat, I mean,

There's a reason most stand-ups pop later. Yeah.

True, true, true. I think it takes time. It's so weird. We were talking about no gatekeepers. It blows my mind when I see a six-year comic and they have four hours on YouTube. I'm like, what are we doing here? First of all, how do you have that much time? Secondly, could it all be great? Is it all special worthy? I doubt it. Take your time. Just because YouTube is there doesn't mean you have to use it. Anonymity is wildly underrated. I've thought about this a lot, right? Because like

I was like, damn, these, like, young comics should not post this much. And I know that's coming from, like, all of us post constantly and it's helped all of our careers. We've been around. We've been around, yeah, for sure. But that's... But I also think... I think back to when I was...

Yes. 3, 24. I did think. Same. Same. I did think I should be on Comedy Central. Of course. I did think I was ready for a half hour. Yep. So it's like I cringe think like in a world where this was available to me. Yeah. I would be the same way. Of course. I'd be putting out things that were like

with two good jokes that are the two jokes. There's shit that I was doing when I was 23 that it's like, honestly, there's a joke on this special that I had forgotten about that I was like, oh, that was the only good joke I wrote for probably four years. Yeah, yeah. Hey, it is good enough. It turns out that was the one funny thing. Right. But if YouTube existed in this way when I was 24, that would be like in the middle of 38 minutes of dog shit.

Exactly. I completely agree with you guys. I think about when we were young, it was kind of a privilege to fail in the shadows. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. We didn't realize. Mark's right. Being anonymous is great. I remember Mike DiStefano, RIP. Yeah. So funny. This guy once told me he did like, yep, I do seven shows a night at Haas.

and no one fucking sees me. Yes. And I get to work on shit and I was like, hmm. Yeah. And it was always, I remember he would pull me and Joe Mackey aside at the comic strip and be like, it's good you guys are here every night and you're trying shit and you're, and,

Like just get good before people see you. Totally. And that's why I think people often wait to move to a city like New York. Now it's different with social media, but back then that's how it was. Oh yeah. That's how it was for me. I mean, I moved probably six years in. I was 25 when I came, 26, something like that. You had great shit when you came. Yeah. I remember meeting you. I think I met you at,

A Benefit of Gotham? It was Gotham. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, fuck, this guy's got really good shit. I remember that. It's always shocking when you see someone new and their stuff is so home. But I remember the early Stav joke of the ladies, I won't fuck you well, but the breakfast. Yeah, yeah. The breakfast the next morning. When I featured for Bobby, I fucked five, six just pieces of trash with that joke. Yeah.

They were like, cited it. It's like the reason they fucked me. And it was like, you know, Boston moms. Yeah. Girls fresh out of pill rehab. IHOP should throw you a bone. Like, thank you for that breakfast joke. No, but I think I heard Burr once refer to it like as, like, if Robert De Niro would post his like early acting auditions. And it was like, it's a good comp, but.

But it's tough. I mean, like, you know, what are you going to do? You want to make a career out of this? I don't begrudge him. Yeah, for sure. And I think – I also think there is something to –

There's so much shit out there. It doesn't really matter. There is anonymity. And it's like the only issue is if you saw like what would be bad for a lot of people is getting attention too early. Agreed. Where it's like in a weird way. I think, you know, I think for me as well, where it was like.

I didn't really have any industry attention until now. Literally until right now. And that helped me. That's what I'm saying. Right now, it was this one. And that really did help me because it was a thing that I despised. I feel like I got passed over for a half hour here or there or a late night set. I would submit and I wouldn't hear back. And it pissed me off. But it was like...

Well, the first time people saw me, I was so much better at Stan. Like, I look back at my first hour, the one on YouTube, and it's like, it's good. But even that, I'm like, damn. Oh, interesting. I'm a worse comic now. Or I was a worse comic then. And that wasn't that long. I filmed that two years ago. Damn. You know what I mean? And I just feel like this special is so much better that it's like... And that... And I was good. Don't get me wrong. It's a good special. I'm proud of it. But it's like...

What was I like even two years before that? Exactly. Or two years before that. And so I was really lucky that I just kind of, you know, nobody really gave a fuck. I got to make connections with good comics people. You know, you guys all like helped me out and like I got to do shows with good comics. But it was kind of under the radar. And then it was like when I just started posting, it was like I kind of had a glut of shit I taped because I was also such a comedy like cynic.

that I would do my shows and like watch sure and so I just had a whole year's worth of shit that I was like well I've got it I might as well fucking post it and so by the time people started paying attention I was already good at comedy but it's like if that had happened when I sucked and that but you're saying you sucked we knew you and

I have no memory of you sucking. Yeah, but you know what I mean. I could have done an hour. Like if people go viral and then they have to – people come out to see them on their first run and it's dog shit, they might not come back. Of course. I got really lucky where it was like I felt overdue.

So when people came up to me, they were like surprised I was good. That would happen with Comptown too where people were like, they just want to see the guy from the podcast. And then it was like, oh, I'm actually good at comedy. Right. And that helped me kind of grow my road business. And the internet helped me just kind of take it to the next level, you know?

There you go. You went the reverse way of most comics, as you're saying, because you had fans before clubs were even letting you headline. Right, right, right. Which is pretty weird. Dude, I have some hilarious emails from places that were like, we can give you $150 to do a Sunday show. And I was like...

No. Dude, I would send them emails with podcast metrics. Oh, wow. Here's what I think. Similar size cities, I sold this amount of tickets. I would put little presentations. Yeah. And some people were like, oh, sick, and would let me do it. And some people were like, well, that's all well and good. Yeah, yeah. You can have the 4 p.m. for $100, no flight, no hotel. Yeah.

Okay, no. Well, you can pay us. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, somebody offered me to do their fucking contest. Oh, my God. There was a club that I'm still... I still hold a grudge over that was like... They wouldn't even let me feature, I don't think. Wow. We can believe it. I'll tell you. It was fucking... Really?

I have a weird story because that guy actually helped me out so much. Yeah, me too. Well, fuck him. Fuck that cocksucker. But sometimes you can screw him because you go, oh, you don't believe me? Just give me the door. I'll do it for the door. You keep it. And they're like, fuck you. You got it. Really? Geez. No, I always wanted the door because I always felt like, you know. But yeah. That's fair. Yeah, you bet on yourself. Yeah. And it only didn't work one time.

Every time I made money, you know? There you go. But yeah, it was a weird situation where it was like people were coming out and there was a little like corralling people who just wanted podcast stuff. But it was cool for me because I got to get a lot of fans because the only reason I did a podcast was for stand-up. Yeah, of course. So it was like... It helped because... But some of those people don't know that, you know? But I remember...

When it was happening and you would open for Tom Papa and Tom Papa would say like, Stas got fans. Yeah. Like he would like crack up because you guys are such different acts. Yeah. But like your people are coming to Tom Papa's show. He's in his suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was funny. Tom is – He's the man. He's the best. He's the best. He's the fucking king. Yeah. Yeah. We just fucking were randomly doing the exact same thing.

This is how good comedy is right now, weirdly. Me and Papa were both in theaters in the same cities. It's crazy. And we both stopped. We got to meet and get breakfast together just driving from St. Louis to Kansas City. Oh, that's great. We stopped in fucking Columbia, Missouri. Wow. And had fucking breakfast together. It was awesome. I did a weekend there once. Deja vu comedy. Woo!

Quit bragging. Like a fucking strip club. Well, it kind of was. It was like a comedy club than a nightclub. I think that was my opener. I'm like, does each floor down get sadder? Comedy is... Oh, sorry. Oh, no, no, go ahead. Comedy is crazy hot right now. I just did Denver.

Brad Williams is at the club. He sold it out, like adding shows. Hasan Minhaj is at the mini arena. I did the Paramount, and then Josh Blue did some little, we all got breakfast. Oh, I love that. And it was like, I said, we got a Muslim, a midget, and a slow cooker walking to a bar. All right.

Mark only met them so he could tell that joke. That's a cool group, though. Great group and a weird mishmash. Fun group. Yeah, I mean, and it feels stupid for me to be like, I have to take six months off in the middle of this because it does feel like the hottest. I just feel like comedy is good, but it's like. It ain't going away. I hope you're right. I mean, we are in a boom. For you, I think you're going to be in great. And also, like, specials are just out, so. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. Yeah, dude, it's, it's.

I think it's your best stuff. I mean, the last stuff was really funny. I love all your stuff. But, you know, there's a short list of comics whose specials I watch, you know, and you guys and then just a few other people. Yeah, you're such a comedy fan and you like are a good friend where I sent you a little clip because I was worried about the sound and he wanted to just watch the special. He's the man. That's great. That's great. We had corrupted files, but we got it down now.

There you go. I got to watch you at the Fully Loaded. You know, it's fucking 10,000 people or whatever, and this guy's doing, I don't want to give away, but the raccoon bit. And it was just a place to go apeshit. It was great. The Fully Loaded was great. Dude, remember there was a guy that just fucking OD'd or something in the middle of the set. Oh, yeah. But enough about Bert. Yeah.

At the fucking gorge. Yes. It was crazy. I forgot about that. That was a cool moment because it was like you never – you always are like how are you going to react in weird situations? The gorge is weird to begin with. Yes. It's outdoors. It's on a cliff basically. It looks gorgeous but it's like – and there's how many people? It was like 15,000. It was crazy. It was fucking insane. He's selling so many tickets. It's crazy. It's wild. It's insane. Yeah. But it's like great experience.

Great comics, all that stuff. But it's not designed for comedy. It's hard to begin with. And then in the middle of my fucking set, a guy fucking passes out. And then you have to kind of do crowd work while a guy is dying. I was just going to power through. That's how dumb my brain... That's how I'm used to just like clubs where I'm like, all right, well, fuck this guy. Show must go on. Whereas like people were coming out like...

Yeah, yeah, right. Matt, you can't be like asking a guy, you know, when the last time he got his dick sucked while somebody was talking to him, he had to rest. Yeah, but all the comics, you know, it's me, Santino, and Bert, like, how's he going to pull this off? He's wearing a fucking velour tracksuit up there, and you had a great line. It killed. I think I was just like, damn, dude, that's fucking embarrassing. Being such a lightweight at the fully loaded. Yeah.

Killed. Killed. We were just shitting on the guy for being like a bitch. Yeah. We were like, hi.

Ah, he is gay. You just EMT zip a fucking leather bag over his head. Fucking pussy. I was like, all right, if this guy dies, it's going to look bad, but every other scenario, this is the line to go with. Yeah. You got to keep it calculated risk. Imagine that. That's your last moment on earth. This fucking pussy.

I had a guy have a stroke in my show. It's stand-up Scottsdale years ago. Oh, yeah. He was on Bar Rescue, the guy, Howard Hughes. Always the nicest guy. But the next time I go there, it's not in the contract. He's like, oh, it's a new venue. I'm in the back of a Mexican restaurant. Yeah. I'm just like, oh, guy in the front has a fucking stroke. Oh, my God. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, call an EMT. Call something, you know. And Howard gets on. He calls an EMT. Then he gets on stage and starts doing crowd work. Like, geez, I've had a stroke before. It's not fun, right? I'm like...

You're doing schtick? There's no Keith. He was bombing as a guy. It was brutal. Yeah. The guy gave a thumbs out in the way. I'm like, hopefully. All right. Goddamn, that's hilarious. But Howard had a stroke from Red Bull and Coke. It wasn't an honorable, regular stroke. Well, salute to Keith. I don't want to give it. He has jokes about it, but it's like he got a dick pill stroke.

Is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's one of the big bits in the special. Oh, shit. It's such a funny bit. But I just remember hearing, before it was a bit, I remember hearing that and just being like, that's a fucking awesome guy. Yeah, one of the lines is like, what are you willing to give up for sex? Oh, that's great. That's great. Stroke salute. Are we doing, because Stavi does advice. Let's do it. Stavi does advice. Hell yeah. I love it. Oh, yeah, Stavi's world. Stavi's world.

Hey, Mark. Hey, Sam. My name's Malik. Actually, Sam, I met you virtually like two years ago on like a Zoom. Chat roulette. I had a VIP pass and the guests, or the VIP guests could talk to you for a moment afterwards. And it made you laugh. Sam used to be a cam girl. Yeah. Times were tough during the pandemic, Sam. Showing boy pussy. Right.

It's a lot of hair in that bush. Sorry. Sorry.

socially and they they uh socially oftentimes they go pretty well but sometimes they bomb and then i'm like oh shit did i make things weird uh how do you guys what's the best way to get over social bombing but still having fun i don't want to stop doing it this is awesome

This guy is trying to pathologize. This guy cares about stand-up comedy so much that he has created a whole terminology around being a bad hang. Ha ha ha!

Social bombing is not a thing, buddy. You took a swing and a miss. It's just like you're just, people just are not liking your vibe. You gotta stop. It's not the stage, bro. Just fucking chill out. Have a good time. Don't fucking do too many bits. Nothing worse than the guy who's always on. Yeah. Constantly on. You know what I mean? Like, especially when you're starting stand-up. Right.

You don't want to be that guy. You have the forced hangs, right? Everyone's on the same lineup, right? Yeah. I remember there was some hilarious, looking back at like the people you shared a bill with. Oh my God. Mentally deranged. Yes. Yes. I'm not saying you're that guy, but it's like, but I do remember it. Here's the advice.

Just keep it on stage. Don't do fucking bits. You can call it social bombing if you want. What you mean is being annoying. That's what social bombing is. If you want to bounce a bit, just say, hey, can I run a bit by you? Or I just think it's a different type of funny offstage than onstage. Yeah, totally. The compromise here would be, hey, if you think it's something funny in a group hang and you say it and it kills, put it in your act. But don't go the other way. Don't go with your act in the hang.

You know, if you say something funny, maybe hold on to it and then put in your act. But don't try it. Sometimes there's like stories that are maybe different offstage to like, you know, like they would work. I mean, some of my best. I mean, the threesome story in my act and then the story that I tell in this special in the first special, the threesome story in this special, I told like, you know, a travel story that.

did start with me calling my friends and being like just telling them the story yeah believe this fucking shit and then doing a version of that on stage and it growing from there but yeah stories I think are a little different but I think our friend here is talking about a bit not even running bits running bits is fine you can always yeah he's slipping them in he's like or even like pretend like

Maybe even like pretending something, you know, like, yeah, I don't know social bit has me a little worried about sure Well, it's definitely not pretending to shit your pants It's not fluid you can't be like hey I had a threesome on a GPS I had a three ways guys guys. What do you guys want for dinner? You know, like just just be at dinner. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my advice. But on the bright side, like, clearly you have a hunger for comedy and you're always on it. So it's like, use that for writing, you know? Keep it on the stage, for sure. Keep that energy on the stage. All right, next one. My New Year's resolution is the same it's been for the past couple years. I want to do a pull-up, but I'm just one, but I'm too fat. I can't. I can't. You can do it.

Oh, that was funny. I do pull-ups every day. Just, you know, start easy.

You know, like don't go all the way down. Just do a halfie. You can do weighted ones. You can do – I've seen people put like – there's machines at the gym where it's like they help you. Yeah. Right, right. You can do dead hangs. I think that's good though. It's really good to have a fitness goal that's just that simple. One. Because then you can just be like, all right, I can't do this now, but can I – are there other exercises that will strengthen my back? Right.

I think you're fine. Now, you might not hit it if you stay fat. You might not hit it this year, but you'll get closer. It's just having a north star and then moving towards it. I think that's a good one. Agreed. Yeah. Mark kind of inspired me to do – like I didn't do them back in the day, and I remember doing them once with Mark on the street and jerking my neck out for a week. Yeah.

And it was like, this is motivation. So now I'm doing it all the time because of Mark. It's the best workout. Yeah. It's a prison workout. Oh, yeah. That's all you need. Yeah. All right. What do you got here? Just got in the tub. Hey, guys. I think so. Newest resolution, work less.

I have a good job and I make a lot of money and I'm going places in my career but... This is fucking Bond villain. Seven days a week or sometimes six days a week but then if I have a day off I just sleep all day. I would like to spend time with my friends, family... He's looking at himself by the way. I'd like to spend more time in the gym and have a happy life but... If I work every day all day then...

That's never going to happen. So, Workless, newest resolution. Okay, love you guys. See ya. It is hilarious to get a video from a guy saying Workless who's clearly taking a bath. Yeah, right, right. Taking a bath, literally looking at himself the entire time. Eye contact with the camera, you know what I mean? Just staring at himself.

Yeah, that's a great one. I think that's a beautiful... You both know I've harped on this. I have told both of you you need to work less. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri...

December 28th or 30th. No, but there's something to just – I get it too. I mean I did the exact same thing where it's like everybody sacrifices a little something different to work this much because you feel like it's not going – we're like, ah, this might go away. Exactly. But I think our friend over here has the right idea where it's like, yeah, man, you got to be – at a certain point it's like what are you doing it for?

Yes, yes. Just continue to fucking stack money and just never have a good time. And can't you work? He said he works six days a week. Work four. Yeah. And just start there, you know? Maybe don't quit completely, but... Five. Yeah. A regular fucking week. Yeah. Well, he said he makes crazy money, too, so... I know. Yeah. So save that money. But at a certain point, what's the fucking money for?

You know? I know. Then he sleeps all day, so he's not even spending it. Maybe on that whirlpool he had. Yeah. Yeah, it looked like a shitty bath. Yeah. It also looked like he just had, like, a weird green Tupperware with all his shampoos inside of it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there it is. Yeah. What the fuck is that? That's where he keeps the syringes and the...

Who knows what. Yeah, that tile doesn't look expensive. Do better, buddy. Take better baths. Get yourself a nice whirlpool. There you go. I'm trying to buy a sauna. Ooh, baby. How about a sauna over a steamer? You could just get an infrared sauna pretty easy. That's what I'm doing. Right into your house. You're doing that? I'm doing it in the shower. It's the same thing. You just close the door and let it steam you up. That's fucking cool. Dude, you got to come visit the Baltimore house. I'm trying to trick it out, make it a little wellness center. Ooh.

I'm setting up a gym in the garage. Nice. I'm putting a fucking sauna in there, you know? Damn, dude. Yeah, dude. That's nice. And you got your brother to work out with you? My brother's down there and he's like, he runs his own business himself and he was just like, I should probably just hire employees because I'm going crazy. So before it was like hard to work with him because it's like,

He's just constantly running a business by himself. But he's hired someone. So yeah, my brother's going to come through. Yeah, I'm trying to make it like a nice little zone. Great. Well, what's that neighborhood that Umar lives in? It's kind of that hipstery neighborhood. That's a great... Good neighborhood. I'm on the east side, close to where I grew up. I grew up in southeast Baltimore. And there's like a park and then there's like some fucking water. There's a great walk you can do over there. So I'm kind of in between that zone. I just wanted to be around...

you know, shit where you go take a little stroll. Yeah, that's nice. You know, and near my family. My best friend moved back to Baltimore. She just had a fucking kid. Oh, there you go. I had that little motherfucker. Yeah. My brother lives there. My mom lives there. So it's kind of nice. And then it's close. My other brother who's got the gym is in the Burbs. Um,

So it's like still a pretty, because Umar's neighborhood is a little, it's a little of a pain in the ass to get to from certain parts. All the parts that all my loved ones live in. But I love that neighborhood. Okay. I spend a lot of time there. Stav is a fucking major celebrity in Baltimore. Oh, I can imagine. I get phone calls sometimes on his walks and literally 40% of the phone calls, someone's like, Stav? Yeah.

Fuck, stop! I'm like, alright, let's let this play out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. It is crazy, but...

Yeah, but it's nice. I still... I had to go right again. Who's next? That was straight up. That was a neutral. That was Switzerland. I'm shocked that we have... Because we were getting tagged by a lot of women today for the pod, for that Spotify wrap-up. I'm shocked women listen to this. Women like a good fart. My wife farts like a fucking Klan member. I mean, it's crazy.

I don't know the correlation, but, you know, I needed something. She's saying slurs while she's talking. She's in blackface while she's talking. You guys see the Chiefs kid? That kid in the Chiefs game? Oh, my God. Oh, man. It was like a dead spin right up that he had, like, black on one face, and they only—

They only showed one side. They only showed that he had, they were like, he's in blackface. And then they turned his other side to red. He was doing like the chief. There he is. But they got a major lawsuit now on their hands. Oh, really? For defamation, yeah. Look how cute he is. Yeah, I mean, it still looks weird, I will say. It's a crazy look. No, it's racist against a different group. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like, hey, let's give him credit. He's raced against two both. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the Chiefs colors are not black, by the way. Like, I know, again, it isn't blackface, but he could have gone white and red, yellow and red. Where did he come up with black? Is that the colors? No. Yeah, well, that's weird.

That is interesting. But yeah, it's funny how the blackface took over the headline. But the Indian thing is worse to me. It's way worse. And I feel like I see black people. I don't really see a ton of Native Americans. I mean, that is the logo, though, isn't it? It's not the logo. It's just the name. It's the name. All right. Yeah, I mean, but it's the Blackhawks, I think. Aha. That looks more like the Blackhawks. There you go. All right.

Okay, well... It looks like he's a... He's part of a tribe. Oh! He's good, bro. He's fine. That's the funny thing is they were saying it, but he is like... Yeah, he's whatever. That's funny, though, to only show the black side. Yeah, yeah. They know what they're doing. Yeah. Look at that. Well, Deadspin sucks dick now. Didn't it get bought up by like... Oh, did it? The same thing that happens to every fucking media company is like some big money asshole will buy...

We'll buy it up and fire every actual journalist and kind of like only scabs will write for it. Right. Sports Illustrated just got fucking caught using AI. Yeah. And making fake...

pretending it wasn't making fake journalists oh no and they're denying it but it clearly happened oh no so fucked up it's happening it's all happening right now I saw a boy Howard Beck post that yeah shout out to Beck because he got laid off from Sports Illustrated and then they do this shit there you go and Howard's a great writer great writer and that's the thing it's like Sports Illustrated used to actually they used to I mean it was it was journalism it's sad yeah damn bummer that's the guy

Clearly so fake. Whoa. Drew Ortiz. Could be a lighter named Ortiz. Right. Blue eyes. Yeah, they made him handsome. Yeah, yeah. He is hot. It is funny when you see these headlines where you're like, see this woman with 11,000 followers that a lot of people have jacked off to? She's fake. Yeah. I see a lot of those headlines now and you're like, I don't know how to feel. Yeah, I'm okay. I got off. Yeah.

Anyway, yeah, it sucks dick, but more advice. Yeah, sorry. I shoehorned that kid in there. Totally. I don't want to be all queefy, but of course I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I was just wondering if you have any life advice for an 18-year-old who doesn't know what he wants to do in the future.

Cheers. Oh, wow. That's a tough one. That was so open. Yeah. This is very general. Well, I would say go outside for a minute. I feel like a lot of these 18-year-old kids, they've got the noise-canceling headphones on, they're staring at a screen, YouTube, Reddit, video games all day. Get out there. Live a little. Don't take on any debt. Yes. You know,

You know what I mean? Even though he sounds like he's from England, so I don't know how their shit works. True. But if you were in America, I would say do not go to college. No, Google's free. Unless you're on scholarship. Yeah. And then fucking honestly learn a trade. I would go fucking plumber, dude. Well, that's going to be really necessary in the future. I would go fucking construction or plumbing. Yeah, electrician. Electrician, absolutely. Or tech. Those are your two things. Don't fucking go to fucking liberal arts school.

No, no. Unless you get a scholarship. And even then. I don't even know how it works in England. Huh? I don't even know how it works in England. I don't either. I don't know if it's free. They just, I don't know.

Who gives a fuck? Yeah, it doesn't matter. Make some friends. Get a friend group. Follow more like, yeah, like, you know, do stuff. Go out. Live life. Have different experiences. Don't watch porn all day. Yeah, don't feel like you have to immediately start your life. You really don't. Now is the time to, or like, know what you're doing. It's kind of nice to not know what the fuck's going on and to just go...

Just do travel, see different shit. Now's the time to open up your horizons because you don't want to be like, well, I had to go to school and I had to go to fucking grad school. And then you look up, you're 32, you're in debt, you've had like two relationships and you don't like either of them. Right. You're the guy in the tub. Yeah, you're the guy in the tub. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You have a little baby. Get out there. Yeah. You got to be back in Astoria, right? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I can go another 510. All right. Do you want to do one more? Sure. Oh, okay. Uh-oh. Yeah. Check. Hey, Mark. Hey, Sam. My name's Charlie. I'm in my mid-20s. I was in a band. Now that band doesn't exist because my drummer just moved away. And what...

Yeah, band drummer moved away. Hey, Marques. On what you guys would do if you were in this situation, or maybe some pointers for being on stage in general. Also, Big Peeve, I hate it when people try to control the volume at which you speak at. And Big Rock, Queens of the Stone Age, the band. Wow, dude. Can't wait to see you guys live. And wave.

Didn't we get a... Didn't the guy from Queens of the Stone Age want to come on here? Ooh, that's right. What's his name again? Josh? Yeah, he's supposed to be cool. I like that band. Good band. Okay, I gotta get into them. Dude, something that breaks my heart is that I had an offer of video. They wanted me to play a Roman emperor in that to be a fucking guy eating grapes. A turkey leg and everything. And it was just like...

I had a stretch last... It was when we were going to fucking Seattle. It was like... It was like right before my special. It was like Portland, Seattle, LA special. The movie too, right? And then right after the special, a movie. And it was like...

There was no... I would have had to fly... It was brutal. Oh, man. But it breaks my heart because that's a sick band. Yeah. And I like their shit. I think they're Soder's favorite. Yes. Soder loves them. Exactly. Yeah. Also, his people trying to control the volume that you speak at. That's weird. Again, some of these need context. Is that like people being like...

Yeah, yeah. Or are you being a dickhead? Exactly. You're at a library screaming, like, take it down, man. That's okay to tell somebody. I've been on flights where people are so fucking loud. Yeah. I'm like, do you mind just keeping it? And then they look at you angry, but you're just like, I'm asking politely. 100%. Yeah, you're talking to the guy next to you. Why are you screaming? I don't understand it. Yeah, I'm usually sitting next to Gary Veeder, and we talk at a low, respectful level.

Nothing. Okay, P, this isn't even like, you know, this is so classic. But man, when you just get caught in that airplane convo. Oh. You say one thing against your better judgment and you open the door a creak and this motherfucker sticks his foot in it. Yes, yes. And then you're just like, yeah, well, yeah, it's like, oh, nice. Yeah, podcasting's good. And it's like, oh, okay.

How does he know? How have I revealed so much about myself? Yeah. And the worst part is when they just will not. They won't stop. So it's like I have at least been like, all right, I have to – I fake a knack. Same. That's a good one. You got to fake a knack. But it's like there should be like – you should be able to – you need to have like a 90-second timer.

There should be like three levels of airport conversation or airline conversations. Like just a nice back and forth, a nice let's give it two minutes or under. Sure. And then in two minutes, you need to both silently press X or check mark. Two check marks. All right. You're renewed for five minutes. Yeah. I like this. And then it's like – and then after that, it's basically like the whole flight, which is the only scenario I can think of is it's a hot woman you're trying to

Yeah, yeah. But other than that. Yeah, that's one that popped in. Big cans. Yeah. Old woman you got jacked off buying Reno with big fake cans. I remember the story. It's a classic. Of course. I don't think I've ever gotten pussy off an airplane.

I got a steward or a flight attendant's number once, and then it was fake. Yeah, but she was really pretty. That was the saddest thing. And I would not stop. I called it. I tried every digit. I was like, maybe it's a six.

Maybe it's a seven. And I moved on in. That's the second to last number. Yeah. She was so hot. Mathematically, there's billions of possibilities. Mark tried them all. I tried them all. I was like a beautiful mind up there with the fucking chalk and the window. Oh, yeah. Nothing. I called United. I was like, what was that lady's name with the cleavage and the eye patch? Yeah. Nothing. United gave you a fake number, too? Yeah.

Yeah, dude, that's fucking... The airplane is... Yeah, I tried it once with a stewardess and I got shut down. Yeah. Of course, of course. It was in L.A., you know. I'm sure she gets hit on all day long. Oh, my God, yeah. She's hot, too. So hot. So hot. Ex-actress, you could tell, you know, didn't work out. And if you caught her, it may be in a minor city. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe, you know. In Poughkeepsie or something like that. Yeah, it was L.A.X. to Poughkeepsie Direct. Ha, ha, ha.

I don't even know if they have an airport. No way. No chance. That's my go-to small town. It's a funny word. Absolutely. The thing I was doing canceled, so I have a couple more minutes, actually. Oh, baby. Not that we have to be here all day, but we don't have to rush out either. All right. But yeah, I mean, that's a standard peeve, you know. It's a good peeve. We could bounce bits. We could do a couple. I'll do a bit. I'll do a bit. Let me see what I got cooking. Let me see what I got, too. All right. Let's go check our phones. I got a couple that are like ideas.

I have one that I can't quite... I have a couple new ones that are actually working. Please. But there's one that... Yeah, actually, there's a couple I would like to... Well, there's something...

There's something horrible about... Like, if a girl rejects you outright, you can always, always be like, if she had just given me a chance, I would have fucking charmed her. That feels bad, but I've discovered that what feels way worse is a girl that you fuck exactly one time does not want to hang out with you.

Oh, yeah. He's just like, man, I really fucked up. You know what it's like? I had the chance. It's like when you bomb a job interview, don't get the job, versus getting the job and then getting fired after the first day. Yeah. You know? Funny. Yeah. So he's like, no, no, we knew you. Yeah. Yeah. We gave you a shot. We knew exactly who you... Like, yeah, in the other scenario, you didn't get the chance to know me. Right. Right, right. You didn't get a chance to know me. I didn't get the... You didn't get we hung out. And then kind of going along with it is that like...

Because I also because then you think like, how did that happen? Whatever. And it's like, it sucks when you think you had a really special, like, fun. Yeah. Magical, like night or two with a woman. Right. You realize, oh, she was in the spiraling and that was her rock bottom.

It's like what you thought was like we were out all night drinking. Yeah. And, you know, we were making out and she was like, I got to see you tomorrow. We're getting fucked up. And then we, you know, we fuck it, you know, my weird Airbnb and whatever. And it's like and then you like see her again. And she's like, yeah. Yeah. We called off the engagement. I'm getting sober. Yeah. Right. And fucking kiss her. She's like.

No, of course not. You know what I mean? Where it's like, you know, you think it's like, wow, this is crazy. And it's like, no, this is what you thought was the best. One of the best moments of your life was her fucking spiral. Oh, God. That's a fun. There's something to that where it's like, and then you're like, she starts opening up about it. And you're like, oh, my God. She's like, she tells you a story. She's like, oh, yeah, I just fucked a guy I met at 7-Eleven. And you're like, we hung out twice. Will you let me fuck?

You fuck some other guy from Tocitos? I don't know. There's something I think if I could kind of just mash both of those in there together. I like the job interview. I like that. It's like getting to know you is good too. Yeah, it sucks when you put in work.

Yes. And then fail. And also, it sucks when you get a really thoughtful rejection. Ooh, yeah. You know what I mean? It sucks when... It's like they pre-wrote it. Where they're just like, they really, really don't want to fuck. They really thought it through. You can't even... This can't even be...

an accounting error on her part. Yes. It's like, no, no, no. She crossed her eyes. Yeah. She crossed her teeth, dotted her eyes. Right. This is not coming out in your favor. And then you're like, and then you're like, could I fuck that? And it's not like I fucked good the one time. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're thinking, all right, I'll get another shot at this. Yeah. Never come.

I like the idea of the big drawn out rejection. Thoughtful. Like she's got a PowerPoint. She's got a spreadsheet. You took time. Yeah. Into thinking about why you didn't want to be with me. Yes, yes, yes. Like there is something. After already fucking me once. Yeah. Yeah. Once is so tough.

Give me two. You should. Yeah. Give me two. Give me two. It happened to me with a roommate actually once. I kind of had a crush on her and we fucked once. And then she was like, we can't ever do that again. I was like, all right, see you tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. I'll bring the electricity bill tomorrow. Yeah. Wow. Did you give her a good dicking though? We were both pretty fucked up. I mean, it was probably fine. It was probably like not terrible. Yeah. Mine was brutally bad.

Really? I was also on a bender. What did I have that day? Peruvian chick. I was in the middle of getting really fucked up. It was literally the first time shit kind of started trickling. It was the first month after posting and everything was going like...

It's like the Push It To The Limit montage. It's like, what the... Every clip is going viral. Right. I'm gaining 10,000 YouTube followers a day. I'm selling out and I'm just like getting fucked up. I'm like, you know, I'm fucking a bunch of girls. And then she was like, she was so hot too. She was like, just, you know, huge titties. Yeah. Tatted up the whole thing. Oh, I love the tats. And,

And it was just like, you know, I was just getting fucked up eating like shit. I had just rented a sick Airbnb. I had like a week off in a cool city. Yeah. It was just like I was going all out. So I think I was just whatever, you know, tacos, whatever. Okay. And I'm not a big drinker. I was getting fucked up. I was drinking. I was smoking weed. I was drinking.

doing mushrooms. I mean, it was a nice time. You know what it was? It was like right after I had lost all the weight. So it was like nothing because I lost a bunch of weight in the pandemic. And I was just like, just the beginning of the decline. I've said this many times, nothing better than the first couple months of a relapse.

While you still have all the good, your body still has all the positives. Yes, yes, exactly. It hasn't hit you yet, and you're like, I'm invincible. I'm not going to fucking gain weight. You know what I mean? It's like your life is in slow motion to fucking cool music. Dude, literally, the day I fucked her was when everything started hitting. When it was like the consequences started hitting, I was like, I feel kind of weird. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It was like right after my birthday. I was real hungover. Yeah. Whole thing. But anyway. Damn. So there's that one. I think there's definitely a lot there. And it's very relatable. Yeah. I gotta get something there. There's a lot there. Yeah, you're her... I don't want to say you're her rock bottom, but... See, that's the thing. I feel like I've heard that. Exactly, exactly. Same. And it's not that it was... I don't think I was her rock bottom. Which is maybe even more...

I'm not even memorable. Yeah. I'm just on the way down. Right. That's funny. I'm one of many. Yes. If it's a movie, I'm in a montage. I don't get a scene. Yeah. Right. That's great. It's a split second shot of me just like mashing my soft dick. Yeah. Even like a whole thing of, you know, 7-Eleven's the scene. Right. I'm just on the way down, you know. She'll remember the rock bottom. It's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Over time, she'll forget me. Yes, yes, exactly. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good. All right. You're the rock middle. The rock middle. All right, what do you got? I got to look at my notes here. I got some ideas. I got a bunch if you guys want me to go. I mean, go ahead, man. Shit, I'm trying to think what else I have here. This is a less relatable one, but it's about...

like a poor girl who's done porn where you're like, um, or like a professional, you know, like a escort off the clock or even on the clock, whatever I'm sex positive, whatever. But it's like, whenever you fuck a girl who's professionally good at sex, it's just like,

You're just like, you know... Well, first I have this thing that might be a little hack. I said it once or twice where it's like, don't Google before. Don't watch the videos before. Actually, I think the premise is good, but where it's like, if you're going to fuck a girl that does porn, don't Google her before. Oh, yeah. Because it's just like, you don't want to know what's happened before. You know what I mean? You don't know what you're up to. You don't want to see her two hands with plenty of... Yeah. Yeah.

Might I? Oh, that's great. That's great. It's almost like you yelped the restaurant before you went or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's helpful. Yeah, yeah, that's helpful. Yeah, that's no good.

Yeah. It's not even like the restaurant got bad reviews because she's doing a great job. She's doing a great job. It's just with hotter guys or bigger dongs. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Mark's right though. It's like an analogy thing where it's like I was thinking like basketball at first where it was like but it's like that wouldn't be the thing. Oh, maybe it's like you're on like a high school football team and you're like we should watch the game film of the other team and they're just like giant destroying everybody and you're like. Even then you should watch the football. That's true. That's true. Because you got to look for an edge.

Yeah, good point. But maybe you have an edge. Maybe you're like, oh, I can eat pussy better than this guy. Maybe that's your edge. But it's really just that, you know, it's just really that the dick is so big. Yeah. You know you're not capable of. It sucks to follow that. Yeah. And also you're like, wait, why do you want to follow that? But it doesn't matter. But here's the thing. If you didn't watch it, it turned out great. It's never been a thing where this woman's like,

Jeez, I wish your dick was 13 inches. Yeah, yeah. It's always been a good time. And that's why the second part that I like better, I just think there's something funny to the premise of don't Google. I think so too. It's also funny you could say LeBron plays against Kevin Durant and he has fun, but he also shoots around with a Make-A-Wish kid sometimes. That's the second part where I'm like...

But it's all – it ends up being fine because what I've been saying is I have used LeBron before, but the one I'm doing now is like Lance Armstrong doesn't want to do the Tour de France every time. Sometimes he wants a leisurely bike ride. That's good. He wants to fucking put a little baguette in the front of the basket, stop and have a picnic halfway through. And you should pause and go, it's a very little baguette. It's a small baguette.

It's not a great, it's more of a role. Right. So I don't know. It's working. Yeah. Yeah. It's working, but it's like, I need a little, you know, when something you're like, you like this premise, but it just doesn't. Yes. Totally. I got a couple of those. Yeah. Following. Something funny about following a porn star too, though. It's just like, that's their job. It's like, it might be a comp to you the way you do comedy. Like, like, look on stage. I, I crush. Yeah.

But, you know, offstage, like if someone laughs at everything, I want to be a person. Right. There might be some comparison. I'm trying to think. Well, maybe like you ever go out with a girl and she's like, you're a comedian on this date. You haven't said anything funny, you know, and you're like, well, I do it there. You know, it's the same with Lance Armstrong. I do the tour de France, but now I'm just riding on the pier, you know. Yeah. Following a guy who's...

And it's also something just about your confidence. Yes. Where it's like it just wrecks your confidence. It's information you don't need. And ultimately it doesn't... Yeah, maybe there's something to it. It's ultimately not...

It's not even necessary or helpful. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's information overload. Right, right. Like looking up a cooking recipe is helpful. Now I know how to make it. This is just going to give you insecurity. I want to see pictures of the veal being slaughtered. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. That's a good line. Yeah, you don't need to see the chicken in the little cages, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just enjoy the chicken. Just enjoy the chicken. That's pretty good. There's something there. I like that. Or you could make it about the farm animal getting fucked. You know, I need to see the guy fucking the cow. Yeah, yeah. I just want some ribs. Yeah. But yeah, there's something to that. That's good. That's funny. That's not bad, the animal thing. Yes, yes.

Okay. We got to be somewhere at 2.30 just so you know. Oh, we do? Shit. All right. But let me, I could probably do one. Let me do a fucking, if I have anything. Is this stupid? I'll be quick. My buddy, we were going out to eat for like a couple nights in a row. We were on the road. And I go, hey, you want to get pizza? And he goes, ah, pizza again? We had pizza last night. And I was like, well, don't ever get married.

because it's the same pussy every night. It's weird how with food, we're like, oh, I want all this variety. But when you're married, you're like, this is it. This is the vagina. I can't be like, I had Cheryl last night. I don't know. It might be a quickie, a quick joke, but I don't know if there's anything there. There could be something there. Maybe variety in food is...

is like how we overcompensate with the same woman. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's, it's that it's like not a one for one necessary analogy. Right. Yes. You know what I mean? That's the problem is that like, it does make sense and it is funny, but there's not depth to it. Yeah. Cause if you, if you go one layer down, it's like, well,

You don't love the pizza. Exactly, exactly. And you eat three meals a day. If the pizza was there for you when your father died in a car accident, maybe you would have it every day. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Yeah, that's true. There could be something to flip it on the other side. Yeah, or maybe like how with your wife.

Unlike pizza, you eat the same way every day, but with your wife, you try to mix it up. No one's ever been like, I'm going to eat pizza backwards today. I'm going to put the pizza up my ass. Yeah, right.

Yeah, I like that better, actually. Yeah. That angle of like, because it isn't a perfect analogy. That's good. That might be the way to flip it. Because it's like, it is kind of on its head simplistic. It's not an A to B. Yeah, but it's better that way to show that it's not an A to B. I think I'll try that way. Yeah. All right. Whose titties are these?

They were given to us from the South Park guy's wife. Oh, nice. Yeah, we got... I had one, something maybe here about how social media depresses you, but it's like the people doing well who depress you. It's like a guy who's like, just got a job promotion. I got the best wife in the world. I love my little girl. And you're like, this motherfucker, you know? Yeah. But then if someone posts hanging on by a thread...

life is not worth living. I'm like, I like this guy. Yeah, true. And you're like, in your head, you're like, don't fucking kill yourself because I'm not going to have a daily pick me up. Yeah. You know, like, who am I going to, who am I going to, you need like, but I don't know where to go with it because it's like, that part hits, but I need like,

I think the point is like people say social media makes you feel bad, but it's like people thriving, people who are not sad make you feel bad. We should change the algorithm. The problem is we see too many successful people. Right. Yeah. Let's get a couple fucking train wrecks here. Yeah. Like the algorithm supports like handsome, hot people talking about success. I want shit pushed to me where it's like, you know,

I've lost it all. A guy's got a noose around his neck. It's like a boomerang. He's like, mm. Yeah. I want to live watch a guy miss the last leg of a 10-leg parlay. That would have saved his life. But now he's going to – now, you know what I mean? Now he's out 100 grand. Yeah. I don't want to watch that. I don't want to watch a guy get – I don't want wedding pictures. Well, there is a giant genre on the internet called fails.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Just guys like falling over or... That's more of America's Funniest Home Videos. That's true. That's true. I think we're talking about like, you know, more of like emotion. Right, right. A guy at a roulette table captioned, just lost my daughter's college fund. Yeah, yeah. I want more of that. There should be a sad algo. Yeah, yeah. That should be like an app. I get too much of like chicks with great asses. Yeah.

Just being like, I worked pretty hard for this. Yeah. All right. That makes you happy. Yeah. That doesn't bum you out. No, it does. It bums you out still. Oh, that's true. That's true. That's true. Maybe it's something about how people who work in rehab clinics must be the happiest people ever. Like, man, I'm doing great. Everybody's coming in here with fucking pill addictions and they're about to kill themselves and...

I'm awesome. Yeah. That's good. I also have a quick thing about like, I don't know where to go with this one about seeing a girl. She travels a lot for work. I travel a lot for work. It's weird. I'm a comedian because I can't tell when people are joking. Like I was, I was like, man, it's so hard. So hard just not seeing you ever. And she's like, well, you should, you should, you know, fuck a prostitute. And I was like, yeah. And she was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, oh, I didn't. No.

Well, she can't throw that out there. I know. That was like a mean dangle. That's really funny. Yes. But it's also not great that I bit that hard. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what you should do is get down on one knee and she's like, really? You're like, no. What are you kidding me? That's good. Flip it on her. I like that turn. All right. That's a good fucking turn, Mark. Because that's the girl's prostitute. That's a female prostitute is that.

Yeah, you can't dangle that. No, that's crazy. No, that's insane. I like that. But, you know, I don't know that the premise is even the comedian thing. It's like there is something about that that's so much more relatable than that. I mean, the comedian thing is a good way to get into it, but there's something more to it about why you bit so hard. Yeah, you really show who you are in those moments. Right, right. Absolutely. Because there's some – yeah. Because it's not –

It just shows what you really want. Or, you know what I mean? Where it's like, prostitute is just such a good one though. I know, I know. It's better than that one.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, it is. Because it's like, you could, I could see the dirtbag logic of like, yeah, I mean, it's like... It would mean nothing. It would mean nothing. I'm just coming. I mean, I can't jerk off. Right, right. And then I'm helping the economy. These are single mothers, probably. You know what I mean? Sex work is real work. Absolutely. It's fucking work. It's harder. Hard. It's one of the... It's harder than almost every type of work. Definitely. Definitely. Can you imagine? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, like...

you entertain you know it's like starting stand up where it's just like you entertain people you hate

It's like, imagine you also have to suck those guys' cocks. It's not like they like half, most of the people they have to fuck. So then that part of your brain is like, well, I'm one of the good guys. I'm good. There you go. I'm a nice change of pace for her. Yes. But you've just been saying all this, your girlfriend has left you. You know what I mean? It's all right. She's packing her stuff. Yeah, yeah. You have like eight bullet points ready to go. She's been packing the whole time. I like that, though. There's something there. All right, well, stop. Where are you going to be? Uh,

The most important thing is watch the special. Yes, Fat Rascal. Fat Rascal. I'm going to take a lot of time off, but the last...

I got COVID embarrassing to get COVID now. Yeah, what a nerd. I did get it and it fucked me up. So I'm doing a couple of makeup shows. Nice. Dallas is actually from the taping of the special. I had to make those up because- Great venue. Really nice theater. I can't wait. Sorry for missing it, Dallas. But Dallas, Detroit, Grand Rapids, I'm making up

All those were left over from the Frat Rascal tour. I'm not adding any... I will announce a tour for later next year, but for the time being, I'm taking some time off. Hell yeah. So these are the last chances to see me, and yeah, there might be some stuff off the special. What the fuck do you want from me? I plan this really nice where the tour ended...

And I had no dates. Yeah. And I got sick. And it's like, fuck. Well, there's going to be 30, 20. There's going to be 20 good minutes you haven't seen. There you go. There's going to be 10 bad ones. Yeah. There's going to be 10 minutes of crowd work. 15. No, maybe 20. And there's going to be 15 minutes of stuff from the fucking hour. That's probably how it's going to break out. That's realistic. Not so bad, folks. Not bad. Yeah. Maybe JP will do. Maybe I'll bring more people. Maybe I'll have like three owners. You'll pull a Chris Kattan? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Eldest is going to try stand-up for the first time. You just throw your friend under the bus like, man, that guy sucks, right? Looking at your watch. Yeah, I make him wear the worst outfit. Yeah, there you go. I write the jokes for him so when I have fun, oh, that's not a bad idea. You're pro-Putin? I heard your act. Yeah.

All right, I'm going to be a deja vu. No. Kansas City, Norfolk, Baltimore with Umar, Birmingham, Shreveport, Tampa, Tampa, Jacksonville, Columbus, Ohio, Indianapolis, New York at the Beacon, Lexington, Charlotte, San Antonio, Houston. We got MarkNormanComedy.com. You're grinding, baby. We're doing it. Got to build some new hour.

I am. Yeah. I've heard it's a beauty. Sick. Nice. Back in clubs for a short minute before the special in March in Boston. I think Boston's already sold out, baby. But we got Buffalo, Springfield, Madison, Philly, Stanford, Dania Beach, Omaha, Dallas, OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake City, the Wilbur for the taping, baby. Let's fucking rock. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. All right. Thank you, gang. SamRoll.com. Get some Bodega Cat. Get Bodega Cat whiskey. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Stavi Baby is Netflix special. Stavi's World. Yes. Produced by Eldest. We love you, Matt Peters. Yeah. You guys look like a before and after, a glow up. Sorry, no one will get that joke at home, but thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Hey, good app. What an app. It's Toplin Dangerous.

This woman doesn't.