Ep 151: Halloween 2023 (Simon Rex, Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, Oz Pearlman)
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We're rolling. Hey! We might be drunk. We might be gay. We're ambiguous. We got Superman here. Super Jew. That's me. Beer Jew. Salik Jew. Superman. Gambit Jew. Superman. We got Wolverine Jew. It's Halloween, man. Oh, that's the dog. Yes. What's that? Millie? Winnie. Winnie. Can I pet the dog real quick? Of course, dude. Pet the dog. Hi. Oh my God. Isn't that cute? What's up?

So can what's the story how old she's 16 gay Epstein she's on the fence Yeah, okay. I think all dogs are gay or a little bit I think she's honestly asexual. She's just kind of she's just kind of a cold bitch to anyone who comes near Nice to me if all dogs go to heaven and they can't be gay oh All right, so you guys are doing coffee, but we'll get into a drink. I mean we need energy, but yeah We're doing we're drinking - okay

Thanks for having me back, guys. We were excited. I mean, I saw you in Charlotte a couple months ago. Thanks for lunch. That was awesome. That was fun. Yeah. That was a good crew. He was on tour. I was doing a movie there. We met up. I couldn't come to his show because I was working that night. You and Tony Cavallari. That's right. Oh, he's hot. You know him from Righteous Gemstones. He played Ozzy Osbourne in that movie, The Dirt. He's awesome.

Really funny comedic actor. He comes from an improv background. And he's a very nice guy. But he's a big fan of yours. He was so stoked to meet you. That was so fun, man. We had the whole crew. Can I eat these candies? Please, please. These days, you got to ask everyone because they're drugs and candy. Fentanyl. We got to test her. Oh, shit.

Hold on. Fun dip. This was like drugs for kids. Remember those? It really was your first dipping in a powder bag. Yeah. You guys are not LA guys, but you've been to Hollywood Boulevard and you've seen the guys that walk around in the soggy, sad suit that looks like they want to be a superhero, but it's like the butt's dirty and it's soggy and they're skinny. Like a dirty Pokemon. Nobody pays them. They're just doing it. Yes. I feel like that guy. Yeah, I can see that. Because your dick is showing a little bit. Oh, I probably do.

I got a small, like right now it's super small. It feels like it's showing. It's pretty big in Red Rocket, dude. Well, that was a prosthetic. That was a fake. It was a hammer. It was a hammer. Was it fun to rock a hammer? It was weird because I had to put my big dick in a smaller dick, so that was uncomfortable. Oh, okay.

No, it was very awkward putting on the prosthetic penis. Yes, it was the director's wife. Who puts it on you? The director's fiance. What? Who was the producer of the movie. Samantha Kwan had to... We had to get intimate pretty quick because she had to like... Literally, I would put my penis in this other dick and she would like... What? Very independent films. They're just basically like...

paste it around my crotch and balls and we had to do a test where I had to jog in place and see if it flopped realistically. Oh, that was awesome. Oh, it was awesome. And she's Asian. Yeah, so that must have been even bigger. Yeah, Kwan. Yeah. So yeah, that was Sean Baker's fiance and she did. So thank you, Samantha Kwan. There you go. Yeah, when I got, I tore my sack in college jumping a fence.

And they had to stitch it up. But, of course, they brought the hot nurse in with my tiny acorn because, you know, I'm in a doctor's room. It's cold. I'm nervous. So my ball bag is being sewn up. And then the nurse came in and put a gel on it. Did you get hard? No, I was too ashamed because of how bad it looked. This explains a lot of women issues you have. Yeah, a lot of shame. But you've got to sit in the hot blonde, you know, 22-year-old. I had that with a, you know, I had a thing on my dick a while back in the hot room.

They're like, oh, we have our student. Can she watch? And I'm like, can I see a picture first? No.

hot chick really yeah she watched she watched and of course you're shriveled as hell i'm like of course it's not like it's like it's a bad dick day yeah bad dick day it's like a it's a full interview for it's like your dick's first open mic it's not ready that grower shower thing is real like i got a couple friends who are just always packing heat like 24 7 and then people like myself who have a little dick that can get big okay so so you're there's both and it's the guys with the

a permanent big hog that are just like dude that must give you the big dick energy so much more to know it's just showing in your pants yeah and you could get pants at any moment and you're like i'm good so like yeah i was at a comedy festival recently and they do the naked roast which i don't know why anyone would sign up for that naked everyone or just the victim just the victims and the host and the judges i remember kurt metzger had a line about that roast where he goes just write jokes i

I know. Like, how hard is it to just write jokes? Well, they did have jokes, but I know what you mean. Oh, look at this. This is killer. We got Blood Garita today. That's brilliant. Brilliant. Is that tequila? You're good, dude. Well played, Gambit. I love the Gambit outfit. I'm a tequila guy. Awesome. This is great. Cheers, boys. Hey, Mazel Tov. Now, I'm going to

We might be drunk now. What is the is it Kool-Aid? What do you got in there? That's pretty good. Oh boy trying to put down this coffee so I can drink this blood. Let me kill this.

So coffee and alcohol, yeah. So is this the point of day usually where coffee transitions into alcohol or is it different every day? No, we usually don't drink this early. I mean, unless we're podcasting. That's what I mean. Yeah, usually it's the pot. The pot will force us. So what have you been up to? Are you back in the movies, the world, or are you...

Yeah, back in the movie world. So it's funny. I had to remind myself on the way over here because of this strike that could be over any day now for the SAG part. The writer's strike is now over. So you see SNL is coming back. All the talk shows are coming back. We were just asking, how come SNL is allowed to come back if SAG is not complete? Because also like Fallon and some of the other talk shows are coming back. I think it's the gray area between it not being writing for an actor. So it's not really SAG because they're not actuals.

Right. Got it. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just glad shit's opening up. But I'm not allowed to

talk about all this cool shit I did, but I am allowed to talk about one that was, so this is how it works, is SAG has to give you a basically waiver, give you a hall pass to talk about or promote online a movie that you did in due press.

So I'm here for the New York Film Festival and I got a movie called The Sweet East, which is a really cool indie that was just in Cannes. So I was back in Cannes. It's so funny how I got into this artsy fartsy actor world after Red Rocket. I'm doing these cool indies. So this one is sort of in that same world, like shot on film. Do you ever see a movie called Good Time? Yeah, definitely.

Safdie Brothers. Oh, yeah. Remember how cool that movie was? Great movie. Part of the fucking coolness of that movie was it was shot so beautifully by this DP, director of photography, uh,

named Sean Price Williams. Okay. He's the guy who shot that movie. Got it. If you wanted a cool A24 movie or you're in Europe and you want a French artistic movie, this is the guy you want to shoot your movie. So I met him in Cannes when I was there three years ago for Red Rocket, and he said, I got a movie, I'm doing my first directorial debut, and I just knew it would be cool because he's such a good cinematographer, and I knew he was such a film nerd that he would make a cool movie. And then I read the script, and I play a white supremacist

who's a Nazi sympathizer who gets to drop serious, bad, offensive words that you can't say anymore. I'm like, I'm in. Wow.

And I'm Jewish, so it was fun to play a Nazi sympathizer. It's going to confuse the haters here. Oh, yeah, dude. Now, what about those people like, hey, you're going to have a trans person. You've got to be played by a trans person. Are we going to go to the point where, nah, you've got to have a real Nazi? Oh, that's a good question. Not in this case. I guess not. They've got the exact opposite. Yeah, exactly. But that was fun to play that. So anyway, the movie's called The Sweet East. That's why I'm here in New York promoting it. Hell yeah. The canceled people, they need to play a real rapist. We bring them back. Right, that's right. That's how we get them back.

Yeah, they got to work. Jim Jefferies said the great bit about like, well, you have to be trans to play a trans person. But what about all the good looking people who are playing ugly people? Like Charlize Theron, his monster. That's right. That should go to a real uggo. A real monster. Yeah, exactly. That's progress.

Yes. Oh, there it is. Okay, so there's... Is this the film that Tony's in as well? No, that one we just shot, that's another movie that I... My first... I actually got my first producer credit on that one. So funny, I just had to ask. I've been acting for 25 fucking years. I've never got the respect. It's always like, stand here, say this, wear this, say it like this, which is fine, but I got ideas. I'm not... Sometimes they're better than the writer's ideas, just being honest. And

In this movie, I simply said, hey, I want to be a producer on it. And they go, okay. That's all I had to do this whole fucking time. So I had input on my wardrobe. I had input on rewrites. I'd be on set pitching jokes. They put them in the movie. I was like, dude, this is awesome. Hell yeah. You see some actors who kind of take it to that level of producing as well. That's kind of what I want to do because so much shit out there so bad. Oh, yeah. That I feel like I got some ideas. Hell yeah.

Yeah. You've been in the game long enough. I'm not just a fucking, you know, Jewish face. Well, you got a nice mug. Thanks.

But yeah, yeah. Good for you because that's what I don't like about acting is you have no control. You have no input. They just tell you to do what they say to say on the paper. You literally have a mark. Go to that mark. Yeah, literally stand there where they say. But it depends on the project. There's been some projects where they give you some wiggle room to improv, and that's always when the best shit happens is when you're letting it fly. I agree. So in this movie, though, The Sweet East –

I was very much... I had to stick to the script. This guy Nick Pinkerton wrote it, who's a very famous New York film critic that all the cinephiles know. And he was a super intellectual, intelligent guy. When I read my lines, I had to Google every other word because I didn't know what the fuck it meant. He was so smart. So he's a film critic. He's a film critic who wrote this movie. That's insane. It's insane, yeah. That's kind of ballsy. Because now if you want to go back to criticism...

And they're like, well, your movie might have sucked to us. It's like a Jew playing a Nazi. Roger Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Really? Is that right? Whoa. Ebert was a great writer. True.

I mean, he really, I mean, Rita's reviews are incredibly well-read. Well, if this guy gets trashed, you're like, hey, welcome to the club. So anyway, the Talia Ryder, who you're looking at right there, she's the lead. She's a great, awesome young actor. And so this one was very much I had to stick to the script. Not a lot of wiggle room, but it's okay. It worked for this movie. But then the movie you're talking about in Charlotte I did, it's called Operation Taco Gary's, and it's coming out next.

don't know when we just saw the first cut it's so funny it's basically we wanted to do a throwback comedy because i'm sure you guys will appreciate this there's no more good silly comedies in the world of like those 90s 2000s comedies that are just you could put your brain under your seat for 90 minutes and just have a laugh and not take yourself so seriously or be too woke or be too politically correct or be too this and that we just went for it and here good yeah i hope i

Yeah, it's called Operation Taco Gary. I'm also a Nazi in this one. My first executive producer credit. That one is not a can. No, it won't be a can. That one will be a garbage can. Just kidding. It's actually really good. But you like this one a lot? I love it. I just saw the first cut and it's really fucking funny and the cast is great in it. So, oh wait, I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about that one, but I just did. Fuck it. Well, you can cut it later. Also, Simon is like an... I'm sorry, Mark. Go ahead. I just think the world is craving that silly comedy again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. No, Simon is like

a legit avid listener of this podcast, he'll text me. He'll text me like, less guests. I want more of you and Mark. Oh. But then he'll hit me up. He's like, I want to come back on. So we're happy you're back because he's like a critic of our pod. It's actually kind of pathetic. It's weird because you guys and a few other comics, I realized like me and a lot of other dudes out there, I'm sure you guys know this now. You guys have become kind of our soap opera. Like we know your guys live so well from listening to the podcast.

Yes. And we know who's got beef with who and who did this and who slept with a tranny this week and this and that. And it's turning into this thing where me and my boys are hitting each other up like, did you hear this? Like, as if we know you guys. And I'm sort of in the Venn diadrome where I kind of do know you guys. Yeah. But it's really become this thing where a lot of guys my age and I'm sure younger and older –

You guys have become truly like a part of our life. We listen to you when we're traveling, in the car, on the way to work. It's like you're – instead of a middle-aged housewife watching Days of Our Lives, we know you guys' lives now. Well, women need to watch that horse shit. I have a girl who watches like – I come home and it's like Beyond Deck on Bravo. I'm like this is fucking – How dare you? Yeah.

It's fucking trash. Well, we have a shit makes you dumber. Yeah. I'm avid listener. I know you guys so well. And it's funny because normally out in this sounds arrogant, but normally out in the world, people kind of know, like if I meet someone, I don't know that. Well, they know more about me than I know about them. Of course. That's how it is with you guys. I know so much more about you guys than you know about me. We met during COVID. We just like kind of became pals during COVID. But I mean, since then, I've like, you know, been.

Watch it. I mean, Red Rocket is such a... You give an insane performance, man. Oh, thank you. We've said on the pod you deserved an Oscar nomination for this. Yes. I mean, these awards things are bullshit anyway, but, like, you know, you were so good in that. Thanks, man. And there's, like, a narrative to those things. So now maybe that you got that one under your belt, it's like you'll get it for the next one or something. Right. Yeah, maybe. You know, it's funny. I never...

It's just funny that that was... I remember when that came out, there was a lot of Oscar buzz around that movie, but Sean Baker, the director, writer, producer, editor, he told me, he goes, here's what's going to happen, and he was totally right. He goes...

You're going to get a great buzz for this. We'll probably win a Spirit Award, which we did. We'll win some festival awards, but the Academy won't go near it because of the subject matter. It's about you grooming a girl who's 17 years old. They're going to run the other way. A lot of the voters are still very involved in that type of stuff. What's that? I'm just kidding. I said the voters are still involved in that type of behavior. That's why they want to run the other way. It's a documentary. So it was... I think it was a little...

heavy subject matter for the Academy, but like the independent spirit awards, they're cool with it and they loved it. And we got, uh, good. So we got some cool awards and it was just funny. It was, I'm not, this sounds like bullshit, but I remember like the first time someone shared an article with me and they're like, uh, these Oscar pundits that like predict who's going to win the Oscar. And it was like, Simon rec 6%. I'm like, the fact that I'm even in this conversation is fucking hilarious. Killer. I have such low self-esteem. I really gamble on that.

People gamble on that. It's a real thing. My friend Dave Jeska will gamble on the fucking Tonys. Wow. That's manly and gay at the same time. Kind of like us right here. Yeah, we're ambiguous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, good for you. 6%, that's not nothing. Well, that was just, for me, I was like, that's funny and that's enough. And then the reality of like,

Yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah.

be noticed and that's where I'm at in my career and I was like dude an Oscar nomination would put me in that no subway I gotta get first class now category look up some Oscar winners Matt don't you think there's some Oscar winners who like who people we know but people don't really know it used to be much more of a thing I feel like now no one cares as much but anyway I mean like how many people saw Tar

Like that's an acclaimed movie. Right, exactly. It's like, right. Yeah, that's what's become so funny is that all the biggest Oscar buzz movies, no one's seen them. Yeah, it's like late night for us. Simon, which actor do you sort of, and like their career, like this is the career I want to have. Dude.

You know, that's a good question, but I really, okay. Oh, you know what? Bill Murray, because he's never once, you've never really seen him do something that you're like, that sucks. Or if he is a part of something, it's not, that's not the best. It's not because of him. And he's just steadily like, he'll always do a cool indie movie. He'll do like, he just kind of does what he wants to do. Like I saw him at Cannes when I was out there and everyone's in a suit and he's in a flowered shirt and he just don't give a fuck. I love it.

I love it. Yeah, he's like one of the last OG kind of like, fuck you. Yes. Guys left like that. Him and Nicholson, maybe. Yeah, Nicholson. But he's not around as much. You don't see him out as much. He was out a couple Lakers games, though. But it was sad that it was a big deal that he was out. Yeah. It's like Winnie being out. You're like, fuck. It's sad that this is news. The sunglasses are just because he's seeing impaired. Well, so I would say Bill Murray, to me, has the ideal career.

Because, like, he just always does cool shit. He's just who he wants to be, and he just stays working. He'll just do a couple movies a year. That would be the dream. Agreed. But not comparing myself to him at all. He's just that dope. And then I was really lucky. So it was funny. When we were in Cannes, we – for Red Rocket, we –

how it works is you wait in your hotel room to see if you win best movie, best actor, best director, all this stuff. And in Cannes, it's called the Palme d'Or. And it's the top eight movies, I believe, of the year are in that category. So Red Rocket was in that category, which automatically, it's a win. You're in like the top eight movies of the year. And there was actually buzz going around that we could win best actor, best movie, all this stuff. And it went down to the very last second. We're waiting in our hotel room and we didn't get it by like a very small margin. The jury, whatever, Spike Lee was in the jury. It was a whole thing. Anyway,

The production company was friends with Bill Murray and they go, we feel so bad you got robbed. We're taking you out tonight with a surprise. And I go to dinner and Bill Murray shows up to dinner. Bill Murray sits next to me, puts his hand on my leg and he's like, so Red Rocket, honey. I'm just like, what is happening? Oh my God.

Oh, my Lord. This is not happening right now. And he was being so funny, and he was fucking with the waiter. Did I not tell this on the last one? No, I don't remember this. You did tell it. Oh, really? Oh, shit. Tell it again. Give us the punchline. The punchline is we hung out all night. We're walking through the streets of France. He's such a cool guy. I see him at the Vanity Fair party a few months later. I go up to him. I'm like, hey, Bill, what's going on? He looks me up and down. He has no idea who I am. Yeah.

Takes his wrapper of his burger and puts it in the inside of my jacket pocket and slaps me on the chest and walks away. That's amazing. I was like, that's even cooler. That is so cool. He just didn't remember me. He'll just show up to frat parties and bars and buy everybody around. I did tell that story. But there'll be a few listeners that didn't hear that. I know. And dude, you're one of those dudes that was so pumped, wanted to come back because I feel like the last episode, I mean, we even cut some gold.

because we had to. You asked, there was a couple of things we couldn't tell. Charlie Sheen. Oh, really? But it was, I mean, the stories we kept in were fucking gold. Good, good, good. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I think it's also kind of like, I know, I listen to the show so much that I feel like I could kind of just jump right in and zing and zang with you boys. And I get it. Some shows you go on, it's like you might not like it right now. I'm getting set up with some podcasts that I kind of got to do the homework before and like, listen to it to get sort of the tone of the show. Yeah.

But, yeah. Hate a podcast with homework. Come on. Yeah. I mean, we'll give you some peeves and wrecks, but that's, you know, some guys make it. Oh, people get annoyed with that, even. Oh, really? That's the best shit. I love how your guest the other day's dad called in with some peeves. Who was it? Your boy you had on? Rick Glassman. Yeah, and his dad had a peeve. Rick is a polarizing guest. Yeah. You either love him or you hate him. Good numbers on that, though, I gotta say. He brings his people. Oh, yeah. He's got the weirdos. Now,

Yeah, it was funny because if you just listen to it and don't watch it, there was those pauses that he was taking that you couldn't tell if he was like if it was serious or not, which is entertaining and funny. Like like that's his shtick, right? Like he was kind of doing this thing. I'm like, oh, if I'm watching this, I think I'd pick up on it more. But I was driving and listening. But it was like a funny thing he was doing with you guys where he was like kind of breaking your ball.

Yeah. And acting like he was really upset or whatever, you know. He was a little frosty that day. He came in hot. Yeah. He just did an earlier pod and he was a little spicy. That's the thing too. Sometimes people come to the city and they just like rack up eight pods in a day and you're like number five. And they come and they're like, what? Yeah. I'm like, you asked on. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You begged to get on here. Yeah. But hey.

yeah what else so yeah I'm going back to what you're saying though the the wrecks and the peeves that's one of the best parts of the show and going back further I did let you know once I think just as a fan if anything when you have a guest on it would I love hearing you two just alone together that my note was maybe you two guys do 10 minutes alone before your guest comes in that way we've been doing that that's just my horrible idea I like

the note. Now, where'd you grow up? I grew up in the Bay Area, San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley, Bay Area. So did you do the trick or treating as a youth? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And I remember back it was in the 80s that your parents would have to go through all the candy because there was I don't know if you guys had this in New Orleans and New York where there'd be like a razor blade. Which is insane because think about how expensive razor blades are. Good point.

It would actually be helpful because, you know, razors are not cheap. You're hoping there's one in there. Was that a nationwide fear that there was like, like that must have been everywhere because I remember the parents having to go through the candy and make sure it was safe. It's a weird thing as like a villain, like to get your satisfaction not in front of you. Like I hope somebody got fucked up. Yeah. It's like the lotto, but like for scarring a kid's face. You got to watch the news every night. Come on, kid. Do I have another blood? Absolutely.

There was a Snopes on this. This time make it a Charlie Sheen. And it did happen once, the razor blade and the apple, but it was done by the father to his own son. Whoa. So you can check out Snopes. That's in there. The apple don't fall too far from. Hey, there you go. An apple a day will kill your son. We might be Marvin Gaye. Oh, baby.

So, yeah, anyway, that was my note to you that time. I think I texted you and I was like, I love it when it's just you guys, so maybe there's a way to do both. But I guess it all depends on the guest. But you two just together is just so great. Until someone like me comes in, hogs the mic, and ruins the flow. No, we like it, man. Heavy flow. Good flow. Love the flow. We're drinking blood anyway. All right. All right. So, wait. Okay. So, yeah. Halloween poison candy. What else? Halloween. Halloween. Oh, those abductions. Are you a horror movie guy? Not really.

Really? You know, I'm not. I don't want to pay to be. I kind of live in fight or flight all the time. Same. As a Jew anyway. I'm always in this state of like something bad's going to happen. So watching that to me, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm with you. My life's kind of a horror movie. Not really, but in the sense that I feel that I got to work very hard at relaxing. It doesn't do it for me. I'm with you. I did see Paranoia. Paranoidal. What was it?

Paranormal activity? Paranormal. I saw it in a black neighborhood, and that was pretty great. All black theater. That was helpful. That's always fun. Going to movies as a kid in Oakland was the best because the crowd yelling at the screen was half the fun. I mean, I've said it before. I saw American Pie in a black neighborhood, and they show the pie all mangled, and some guy goes, he tore that shit up!

And the fucking place erupted. Popcorn went in the air. It was a hoot and a holler. The start of a comedy career right there. Yeah, yeah. He got his first laugh. Adam Sandler said he got his first laugh...

Zinging in movies. Really? Yeah, yeah. I probably told this last time. People always ask me, like, why do I want to get in a show business, which I actually never did. It kind of just fortuitously fell in my lap. But when I was 12 years old, I went to an Oakland A's game, and I was in the bleachers. It was $1 bleacher tickets, and I'm in the bleachers with my boys. I probably told this on the last one. I don't remember this. And it cuts, you know when the camera cuts to someone in the crowd? So it cuts to me and my boys. We're 12, and I double flip off the camera. Yeah.

On the Jumbotron, 32,000 people erupt in laughter, and I got this tingle, obviously. But it wasn't like at that moment, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go into show business. But it was sort of a core memory or something that was like, well, that was special. Then they cut away right away, but everyone was laughing, and I was like, yeah. I bet that lives on the internet somewhere. We've got to find it. Well, no, because this was 1989 or something.

There was no... Nobody had... Yeah. We had... Stavi and I were on the board at the Liberty game. They put us on the screen. Yeah. And I know it took Stav, like, every ounce of strength not to just immediately go...

No, we were on the screen together. It was fun as hell. But that moment as a comic, you're like, do I want to get invited back? Did you kiss? I kind of wanted it. That would have been awesome. I was just watching this horror movie called – I don't like horror movies, and this is actually a peeve of mine.

It's a really well-made movie. It's a very good movie. It's called Talk to Me. You can look it up. I think it's Australian. Is it newer? It's new. Yeah, I heard about it. I've heard it's really good. 824 is killing it. Exactly. They make good shit. It's a really well-made movie. I think it's got crazy high Rotten Tomatoes, too. But this is a peeve of mine. And I like horror when it's either psychological or... Yes. And this did have an element to it that was psychological. But...

The premise is like there's a stone hand that's cursed and you grab it and you can let in dead spirits to your body. And you say, you know, talk to me. And then you allow the spirit in. But if you let them in too long, they overtake your body. But it's like a drug for the kids. Right. It's a smart premise. My issue is this. There are bad signs.

And I don't like, like, there's enough horror in your life to go with what you're saying. When you bring upon you this unnecessary shit. Yeah. There's another peeve in horror movies. When the spirit takes over you and it's like, and then you see a person be like, run. You know? That's a peeve. Like the, and you're like, run.

what do we do? This has been done to death. Right. But that's in the movie. Like, all right. But then they keep doing it till more and more bad shit happens. You're like, you see people are suffering. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't like dumb decisions. I think it's hard for me to, and you know, I'm watching my girl and she's like, they're kids. And I'm like, I know, but I think kids are fucking dumb. Yeah. Like scream had enough, like comic relief for me.

Yes. Well, to me, the supernatural fucks me up. Like when there's a comedy movie and they're like, but the kid made a wish and it all came true. And I'm like, well, now I'm out of it. That's exactly right. That's how I felt with Game of Thrones. I was in until dragons flew around. Thank you. As soon as dragons and white walkers, which is racist, but I won't get into that. Start walking around white. Uh, I'm

I'm out. I'm out. It's like then it's a sci-fi thing and you're talking mystical realms. Just keep it to your brothers fucking your sister and you're going to get decapitated. Yeah. I can relate to that. We got to insist. Dragons fly around. I'm out. I'm out. You know? Yeah. It is weird how much the brother and sister fucking used to be a thing because I talked about this in the previous episode, but like the Roman Empire. Used to be. I mean, it's online, baby. Step bro, all that shit. But step. Yeah.

Yeah. You're saying that's the number one looked up porn is step family because some people want to fuck their step sister? It's number one. I thought it was step mom, not mom. Oh, it's step anything. Oh. Step by step. Step by step. Step ladder. Yeah, you name it. 12 steps. Yeah. That's an orgy. But yeah, so they, but I think that goes back to like primal days of like fucking your sister, fucking your cousin. Well, that's all you had when you were in your little village. Some of these people had options. I'm bred back.

in them days. Those Romans had options. I think they were just like, it was like the arrogance of your bloodline. Yes. I think it was like, I was watching one of them and I think it was Caligula and he was like, he was like, my sister and I are pregnant. We're expecting it. Everyone even then was like, ooh. Except one guy was like, a toast. I'm like, that's a survivor. Yeah. He knew what he had to do. Right.

The best thing about incest is you already met the parents. Somebody write that down. Guess who's coming to dinner, but it's just a regular night at dinner. Exactly. Yeah.

That's so funny. Yeah, incest. That's good stuff. I'm an only child, so I can't relate. Oh, you got lucky. Or unlucky. Right. So here's the thing. Only child, so I'm a mess. But I had step family, so I shared my toys. And I understood it wasn't just like me, but not by blood. You know what I mean? Step brothers or sisters? I had two step families. Oh, man. You were cleaning up. My mom's busy, yeah. So now my...

growing up, I had two stepbrothers in San Francisco. I'll tell you, this guy's got more steps than an Apple watch. And one of my stepbrothers, he was like a savant. He's really very, very intelligent. And he was investing in the stock market when he was 10 years old. And I'll never forget, he would buy like

the product of the stock he invested in and put it in the window of our house in San Francisco because in his mind it was a billboard to promote that product to get more sales. Now obviously the numbers wise it's not going to do that but to think that way at 10 This kid's a genius. No he is and then we would go to San Francisco Giants games and he would sit there and count every stat and look in the Chronicle the next day and if they were wrong he'd call them upset and be like you guys were wrong about how many pitch

like he was like whatever I don't know what you call that autism yeah some form of it some form but hyper intelligent but you know like yeah whoa what's he doing now

murdering people. No, he's counting cards in Vegas. Yeah. No, he's in sales and he has a bunch of kids in San Francisco and he's just a good dude. But he was just like, it was just interesting to see like, you know, that way of thinking because I'm just the opposite. What do you think of San Fransisky? Is it as bad as they say on the news? Is it apocalyptic? Are the businesses going away? Is it fentanyl all day? You know, I was just actually out there. I was actually just with Pete. I wanted to take, so Pete,

Davidson was doing stand-up up there, so I wanted to go take him out in my hometown. I'm like, bro, I'm always in New York with you. Let me take you around, show you some good food. It was so fucked. He's just so famous, we couldn't even go get lunch. We would try to go get lunch, and nowadays with social media, not only do you get bum-rushed with a photo without them asking, like this young generation of kids now with the phone, they just come up and film you and tag where you're at so you can't sit down and have lunch. Good point. Because in five minutes, everyone's going to be showing up. Right. And San Francisco's

not like a showbiz town. So that's a big deal. If like Pete Davidson's having lunch somewhere. Yeah. So unfortunately we didn't get to, I do. But so, but, uh, to your point, I drove into the tenderloin. Where would you have taken him real quick? Uh,

Okay, so there was a few places. There's a place called Swan. Swan Oyster Depot. Yeah, that's one of the top ones. It's always a line is the problem and waiting in line with him stuff. Oyster and Depot is not a great combination. But it's just like a real good OG San Francisco. The owner looks like Colin Quinn. Oh,

Oh, fun. It's a real blue-collar place where they're just shucking oysters and sashimi-style fish. It's a Boudin. I saw that. No, it's really good. And there's a few other places I'll mispronounce that are like some Asian fusion. Kwan? Anyway, to answer your question, it's...

It's shitty, but it's no worse. It is definitely sensationalized in the media. Oh, they were so mad that Cash App guy didn't die from a random. Yeah. You could tell that the media was just like, fuck, we wanted this so bad. Right. He died, but it was planned. It wasn't like a random. Oh, right.

Right, right, right. There are random people that kill you, but... So, like, the murder rate is way worse in other cities. New Orleans, sorry. Crazy. Miami, you know, a lot of places. So the murder rate's not that crazy in San Francisco. It's more just, like, there's shitty crimes, like, your car's gonna get broken into because of the very lax laws on, like, a theft under a thousand bucks, you don't go to jail. So it's this green light for everyone to rob out of your

car, which is like, yeah, that sucks. And you see it on the clips everywhere and it's shitty, but it's still one of the most beautiful cities. I love it. Great food. Great, you know, fucking great place to grow up. Don't want to live there anymore, but like so much culture there. It's kind of like the New York of California. We have everything. We get like, you know, it's like an urban metropolis. You get every type of, you know, sex, race, whatever. Come as you are, like whatever, you know. So good place to grow up. Great place to grow up. Beautiful city. And the Niners, baby. Yeah.

Yeah. And the Warriors, baby. We've got good sports. They're balling, yeah. I mean, the Niners are looking incredible. We're looking incredible. We just got to stay healthy. It's kind of nerve-wracking when you're this good in the beginning of the year. You want to get good in the second half of the year and not be hurt. But they have the talent. We got the talent, baby. Oh, yeah. And it's just such a Disney movie. Like, the whole quarterback story is just so unbelievable. Last pick in the draft, right? Mr. Irrelevant, last pick.

Number three, get rid of him. And now he's coming out there putting up like MVP numbers. It's kind of insane. It's like a Tom Brady story. He's not a Tom Brady, but he's like that kind of story. He's got the best offense. He's Bay Area. Tom Brady's Bay Area. Yeah, there you go. And so I think so. So is my guy Julian Edelman is a Bay Area guy. Oh, who? Oh, what?

Yeah, I met him the other day. He was at Pete's show. The wide receiver on the Patriots. Yeah, he was a cool guy. He was backstage at Pete's show in L.A. I was shooting the shit with him for a while and we were talking football. Cool dude. Great guy. You don't want to fight that guy in a bar. I thought he was a UFC fighter when he first walked in. He's just built like a...

We'll fuck you up. Those are always the nicest guys. Exactly. They fuck you up. Like UFC fighters, always like a gentle lamb of a 16-year-old dog. They're so relaxed. They know they'll fuck you up. It's the loud ones that talk shit. Exactly. That are the ones that are pussies usually. I was in Phoenix and the fighter, Kelvin Gaslam, is at the show. Oh.

nicest guy tough dude but he'll fucking I mean like he's incredible as a fighter oh yeah incredible and he comes in my green room after he's like one table just one shut up and I was like can you imagine getting shushed by a fucking just a badass professional fighter and you're like fuck off and he just like stands up and you're like wow you don't know because he doesn't look like

No. Like he's going to kill you. Short guy. Tiny guy, but he will fucking kill you. Yeah, nowadays you can't fuck with anyone because you don't just know the cauliflower ears and sign number one. But a lot of times, I remember taking jujitsu for a year and then one day realizing, oh, I'm not this guy, but I tried it for a while. And I remember going into the class and being like, so many of these guys you would never think and they would fuck you up. And they don't look you the part, but it just goes to show you. It's true. It's like chlamydia. You never know. The dick looks the same, but it's in there. This shit is in there.

Even a school shooter, you can tell. Like, I bet that guy's... Either way, you're peeing blood. That's the point. Yeah, I did jujitsu for a year. And it's like one of those things where I like golfed for a year or two. And after a while, some things in life, you got to kind of find out who you are by finding out who you're not. And I remember I had this epiphany. I was in jujitsu class and I got this dude with my arms behind my back, like ready to dislocate out of my shoulder. And the dude's sitting on my face and I'm smelling his asshole. And I remember at that moment, I had a thought. I go, I'm paying money for this. Yeah.

And I never went back again. You pay money to be a woman, really. Yeah. True. True. And I said, why am I doing this? Well, you learned some stuff. I learned a couple of things. Actually, the one time I got in a fight in 20 years, I used it and it fucking worked. Yeah. What happened in the fight? Let's hear the story. Bill Murray? So I fly to Australia. Bill what? Bill Murray, you beat him up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Muhammad Ali, his last fight. He got him. No, so I fly to Australia, and as we know, Australians are ready to fight all the time. Oh, yeah. I fly to Australia. That's when I was doing Dirt Nasty, this music comedy persona. My dick costed late night. Yeah, baby. Your dick got the HIV. I remember. Nice. Speaking of HIV, can we get another round of Bloody IVs? I love that song. Wait, are you Spider-Man under there? Is that...

Gambit. Who's Gambit? What is that? X-Men. Oh, I've never seen X-Men. I'm not a Marvel guy. He's Creole? Yeah. Oh, so they're becoming more cultural marvels? Yeah. No, there's an older one. That's what I call Bruce Jenner. X-Men. All right. There we go. We're back.

That was good, baby. Put that down with the incest. All right, keep going. So anyway, I'll never forget because I was so mad at my tour manager. We flew to Australia, which is a very long fucking travel day. 20 hours. And we land at 5 a.m. and I have a show that night at midnight. Oh!

And I was like, why would, and I didn't realize we get them like, wait, you got me playing tonight. Oh my God. And I'm so obviously jet lag. I know you were saying jet lag takes you two days, but on that one, like you're kind of that day. You're like, well, I'm on the other time zone. You flew on the other. Totally yesterday. David tell had a bit about that where he goes, the time change is so crazy. I land in Australia. I called myself. I picked up the phone.

Mattel. Okay, that's clean, too. Truly, I don't like when people overuse the goat. That's a peeve, but the goat. Yeah. Everyone's always like goat, goat. No, the greatest of all time is usually one, and Mattel could arguably be one. Who's better? He's one of a few goats. He just makes me happy. You watch him, and you're like, this is...

Like, you feel joyful. Yes. You know, it's weird. Comedy concentrate. He's like the frozen shit in the orange juice can, you know? There's no water in it. Yeah. Yeah, he's sort of like, because I remember living here in the 90s and going to comedy clubs, and even back then, like in the mid-90s, he was out, like such a fixture. And like my good friend Jordan Rubin, who's sort of my conduit. Oh, Rubin. He's funny. He's great, and he was a comic, and he was friends with all the comedians, so he kind of got me in that world. Where is he now?

He's in LA writing, directing, producing. Oh, great. Yeah. And... Gay porn? Yeah. All right. He's sucking his own dick. Good for him. So, okay, the fight. So I get to Australia. That's an easy premise. I land. I have to party all day to stay awake. So it's just like espresso, beer, speaking of coffee, just keeping it going. And finally, I get on stage. It was out of a movie. And the second I get on stage...

I grab the mic. I'm holding the mic and a dude jumps on stage, grabs the mic and yells, Australia and punches me in the face with the microphone. So I just remember. Did you say anything anti-Australia to proceed this? It was.

The moment I got on stage without a hesitation, he bought a ticket for this? Yeah. And he's holding a roll of quarters, basically, which was always, I remember back in the 80s is how you want to punch someone. So he's holding the mic and he punches me in the face. And I perfectly turned because I just remember like turned with a punch. And I turned and I look right at my DJ and he just is like, oh, shit.

And it was like slow motion, you know, time kind of slows down in like a car accident or a fight or whatever. And I just turn and the one year of jujitsu, I don't want to sound like I'm tough because I'm a pussy, but this is what happened. I grabbed the dude by his like shirt. And I remember if it's a t-shirt, not a gi, you grab and turn up and trip him and fall on top of him. Okay. And I did just that. Who's wearing a gi to a... Well, that's what the argument in jujitsu is a suit. A suit is a gi. Oh.

Or a jacket. Got it. So this guy had a t-shirt. So you grab it, turn it. I trip him and I land on top of him and I just start bombing on him. And it was like Christmas story when he's beating up the boy. And I'm thinking, I'm beating this dude's ass. I can't believe I'm beating this dude's ass. In front of an audience, by the way. A circle forms around us and is going, dirt, nasty.

And I'm just socking this dude. And I'm like, this is the best show on earth. This looks fake like it was planned. And that was Will Smith. And security grabs me off and they pull me to the side. They're like, mate, I didn't think you had it in you, mate. Good technique. I was like, oh, this is awesome. And then they were kicking the guy out. I'm like, no, bring him back. I want to give him a beer. Wow. And they're like, yeah.

And then it was all good. He comes back and immediately attacks you again. Yeah, exactly. He just keeps going. And then the next day it was in the newspapers. What? Dirt Nasty beats up fan at show. Pull it up. Whoa. And it was the best press ever. Of course. Because then the rest of the Australian tour...

Is that you? Yeah, that's the show. But this was in Australia. The rest of the tour's dude is challenging you. So wait a minute. I don't know if it would be on YouTube. So then the rest of the tour, I had this reputation as, ooh, he's crazy. He beats people up. That's not good. And for the first time in my life,

I was just laughing because I'm so not that guy. Right. That it was funny to be in Australia with this reputation like, hey, he beats up his fans. Be careful with this guy. And they had security for the rest of the tour with me at all times because they thought I was a liability. I'm like, you guys have no idea what a pussy I am. That was so funny. It was just kind of funny for a week. That's great. In Australia, be considered a tough guy. I've never had that reputation. Now every Australian has a stereotype that Jews are tough. You know? Yeah.

Thanks to you. Yeah, man, that was crazy. So, and then, yeah, that was, but yeah, back, but the reality is, is I'm really not a tough guy. But hey, you took the guy on in front of an audience. It's too bad it wasn't filmed. And it was self-defense. It really was. You used it the proper way. It was so awesome. It was, it was like, it's like, it was almost like, all right, dude, I'm going to jump on stage. You're going to grab the mic, yell Australia. Thank you. You're going to punch me, then let me beat you up in front of everyone. Yes. And then security's going to, it was like perfect. It was like a plant. It was perfect.

Wow, what a psycho. So he planned that. I mean, what a nut. Yeah, or was he wasted? Yeah, he was wasted, yeah. But I knew the Australian way. I was like, bring them back, get them a beer. And it was like, they love that. They love that. So I don't know. You're doing Australia. Yeah, I'm doing it in November. I did it, I don't know, a couple months ago. And they yell Shooey, so watch out. Oh, yeah, you got to drink out of a shoe. Shooey, and I just kept saying, shut up, all right, all right. But I did like 20 shows. So by the last one, I was ready. I went to Walmart. The Shooey will not replace us. Yeah.

I met the guys who started the shoeie. They're these surfer kind of dudes. Oh, really? Yeah, they came to one of my shows, and they're the guys that like pioneered or started the shoeie. No, actually. Pioneered is such a weird word for that. A little dramatic. I think it was actually, there was like an argument where there was like a famous race car driver in Australia did it after he won. There's some origin story to why they're shoeies, but it's just stupid. You're drinking out of a dirty shoe. I went out and bought a shoe. I was ahead of the curve. I bought a shoe at Walmart. I scuffed it up a little bit.

And then they yelled, Shooey! And I had my friend throw it to me. And I caught it, and I did it. But I did it on the last show, because it was... What kind of Shooey are we talking about? It was like a Vans piece of shit knockoff white shoe. I have a video of it on my Instagram. What's it? Tui Vasa? Whatever that UFC guy does the Shooey every time. Oh, I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah, Australia. Bert did it. He got laryngitis. No fucking way. Yeah, because it's just... Oh, here we go. Do a Shooey, you cunt! That's all they yell. And the crowd's going ape shit.

You know it's a bad sign when Burt Kreischer's body can't handle it. Exactly. Let me piss real quick. I'll be right back. Piss? We just got in here. It's the coffee. It's the bloody tequila. We'll hold it down, Mark. Thank you. Winnie can take my mic for a minute. There you go. See, it's a clean shoe. You can tell. Did a package come, boys, that I ordered to this place?

I want to give you at the end. I got one right here. Gift. No, I just, oh, you got them there. Perfect. We'll do it later. Just want to see. Oh, I didn't know there's a secret package. I got a gift for you guys. So, yeah, it's funny because you, so you just got back from Australia. See, this is what I'm saying. I know more about you guys than you know me. You just were in Europe. Yes. You were in Australia. You know more about me than my father. Yeah, it's fucking, yeah. Your dad was a very, he was a businessman. You guys lived in a mansion. You had,

that was empty you got robbed a lot for your bike yes this is weird if I could remember the trans black woman that raised you this is scary her name was like Matilda Olivehead or something close not really think of penis

Regine. Enos. Enos. Enos the penis. I mean, you can't make this shit up. You can't make it up. And she hooked up, or he hooked up. He was a drag queen. I got murdered. Hooked up with a guy, got murdered in a van. You've told that story a lot, though, so that one's not that crazy. That's a great story. I've heard that one on a couple different pods. True story. That's some real shit. All right, penis. New Orleans is a rough town.

man. Everybody's like, you're going to New York. You watch out. I'm saying like, no, New Orleans is way scary. That's what people like talk about how San Francisco. So out of control, like, yeah, it's a little sketchy, but every major city and New Orleans to me is where like, oh, you'll just disappear out here. Oh, okay. Can I tell you the bet? Okay. Real quick one. I know I'm a lot. I'm a lot. I'm a lot. Uh, my, one of the fun, one of the funnest nights of, did you have this dog since puppy days? No, 16.

No, I'm saying you got it as a puppy? No, it's my girl's dog. Oh, it's your girl's dog. She adopted her at like at nine. Oh, that's cool. The girl you go to hot yoga with. Yeah. See, I know your life too much. Hey, come on. Another one with that. She adopted her at nine. She's 16 now. I mean, she just adopted an old dog. She's got the body of a 15-year-old.

If it feels bad, they're going to die in a shelter because people take them back. I get it, man. You get so attached to those fucking things. I live in Joshua Tree, and I found this very rare lizard called the horny toad, if you want to pull it up. And they're so beautiful and rare, you can sell them for like three grand to Germans in some weird country. And I caught one, and I put it in a jar, and I live alone out in the desert. In one day, I got attached to a lizard. That's how much pets...

This was a cold-blooded lizard that doesn't... But enough about the real housewives. No, this was a real lizard. And I put it in a jar with a little, like, sand and a little fake tree, and I slept next to my bed with this lizard, and I swear I had to let him go the next day. And I was like, I'm like, I'm actually sad to let this little buddy go. I'm like, that was one day with a fucking lizard. You'll never get an abortion. Imagine how attached you get to a dog. I know. Dogs are the fucking best. Speaking of abortion, is that what this is? Is this the... Clan parenthood. Okay, real quick New Orleans story, can I? Yeah, please. I'm sorry, guys. No, we love it. No, we love it.

baby. Um, and you guys are, let's see that picture of Pacino. That's you guys when I'm talking. Um,

So I go to New Orleans with my buddy J.E. and his manager. J.E. is a guy from St. Louis who produced a lot of Nelly hits, like Country Grammar. Remember that shit? Oh, do I remember Country Grammar? My boy, he's like a white boy producer, and he's like the man in St. Louis. And I'm shooting a movie in New Orleans. He's like, we want to come to New Orleans. So he comes down, and we're drunk in the French quarters eating barbecue at one of those, like, make shit, not, like, it's just in a barrel. Like, someone rolls it up, and you're eating the barbecue.

And my boy, who's from St. Louis, is like, man, this is the best barbecue sauce. I'm bringing some back. So he goes, I'm bringing some back. So he buys a jar of barbecue sauce in the street. And we're really drunk at two in the morning. And these two black guys come up to us and they go, y'all want to see the real New Orleans? And we're so drunk. We go, yeah. And jump in their car. Whoa.

Me, a Jewish manager, and this big white dude who makes Nelly's hits, who's a tatted up big white boy. And we jump in these stranger's car and we drive to the hood in fucking New Orleans. And we're so drunk, we don't even think about what we're doing. We get there and we get out of the car and it's like one of those movies in the 80s, like when Chevy Chase pulls up in vacation to the wrong neighborhood. You know what I mean? Which way to the freeway? Man, fuck your mom. Like one of those moments. And we get out of the car.

Oh, yeah, Nelly. Cut it. Royalties. And so we get out of the car, and dude, this is out of a fucking movie. I love it. We walk up to the club with these guys we don't even know. Oh, it's a club. We go to a club with these guys. They want to show us the real New Orleans. There's an old black man. Oh, I thought this was like a trick. I didn't think they were even taking you out. There's an old classy black man in an all-white suit out front at the door to the club. We are the only white people in sight. You're in heaven. They killed you? Yeah.

And my boy, as we walk in, drops the barbecue sauce. It shatters on the ground all over the dude's white suit. Oh!

You step on sneakers, you're done. Imagine a white suit barbecue stain. Everything stopped. Everyone looked at us and it's me and two other white boys in the hood that spilled barbecue sauce on the dude's white suit. That is the whitest thing possible. Ever possible. And I'm just in that moment, I'm like, we're done. And he looks down at his suit and he looks up and he goes, man, it would be the only white boys around here spilling barbecue sauce on me. Get your ass in here.

And they loved us and they put us on stage and they had these girls. It was called a bounce club. Sissy Nabi. Oh, I know a bounce. So bounce is like the genre of music in New Orleans that's called bounce music. And Sissy Nabi is like a famous bounce artist. And it's sort of like a, it's like Miami booty bass or whatever. And all of a sudden we're on stage as like, we're the joke. And we're getting these girls barefoot are standing on their hands, booty clapping us like we're penguins. Wow.

Pinball machine. And we're just getting ping pong on stage and you just see the whole crowds laughing and loving us. That's incredible. It was the coolest, most fun time I ever had in my life. You DJ crawled in road trip. Yeah. Dude. Did you start doing some nasty? No, we were just on stage having a good time. Did they know you rap?

No, they have no idea who we were. Oh, that would have blown their minds. We were a novelty because they were like, these white dudes must be crazy to be in the hood like this. Who are they? Put them on stage. Yeah. But it started with the barbecue sauce on the fucking suit. And I thought we were dead. It was out of the movie. And he let us in. It was so good. What a great moment. They're hung over and they're like, was that the guy from Felicity? Holy shit. There's a little bounce. So was that. We're getting bounced on stage. It's all twerk music.

But I'll be honest, I had more fun at that party than any douchebag Hollywood fucking showbiz party. Yeah, hell yeah. I just don't like, you know what I mean? Do you go to them? You kind of have to. It's part of your job. You got to go, you know, meet people and, you know, like, you do make connections in this business are just as important as almost anything else. It's like who you know. And when you go, sometimes you're led into like the, like I remember I went to the Vanity Fair party the last couple years and that's where like only the select people get in and that's where you're meeting everybody.

Wow. And they let me get your number and then you do a movie with that person. You know what I mean? It's like, that's how I met Todd Phillips. I met him at the Soho. The king. Your boy. I met him at the Soho house. It was the first time I ever went to the Soho house, which for listeners is sort of a exclusive high-end Hollywood and worldwide club. It's kind of a douchey club. It is. But it's where like people go that are,

you know, making money. Networking. It's kind of like the first class lounge compared to the rest. So the second the elevator doors open, my first time ever in Soho House, one step, two step, Todd Phillips comes up to me and he goes, Dirt Nasty, big fan. Whoa!

Get his phone number. Game. Recognize the game. Next thing you know, we're working on shit together. He's putting my music in his movies. He put me in a movie. Whoa. He EP'd a pilot I did. What movie? The movie was called, it was like a party movie. I got to edit it out. It was a party movie where the whole thing was a frat party. He was producing it. I forgot what this called. And he was directing it from on the phone, giving me directing notes while he was doing Hangover 3 in Bangkok. Holy shit. And he was calling and the movie was called like,

Fuck, I have no idea. Dude, it's... I'm sure you could find this wherever the fuck you're doing it. I'm not lying. It's the real movie, but I'm not... I think in the end I'm in it for a frame because... We don't know. It's a Todd Phillips produced it movie and it's about a party. It probably came out in like 2011, 12. Anyway, to my point, that's kind of like how important those rooms are and how far that could go is just like, hey...

Project X. There it is. I thought this was Project X. And if you get, there's in the DVD outtakes, they have my full scene in it. Okay. Never heard of it. Anyway, but that's neither here nor there. I got to work with Todd and become friends with him, and now he's my boy and he's the best. Yeah. It's just like those relationships are shit that your agent and manager can't even get you. You know what I mean? It's part of your job is to go be in those rooms. Totally. I just feel like I have imposter syndrome like with other actors.

I don't feel like I'm really... So funny you saying that in the Superman outfit. I just feel like I don't fit in. Well, no, it's true. But I feel like... Do you guys have this? I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I have this everywhere. No matter what I've done in my life or a career, I'm like, I'm not one of you guys. And it's probably just me being insecure or low self-esteem, whatever it is. But I don't ever feel like I'm part of a...

Yeah, yeah. You know, like I know a lot of comics, but I'm not one of you guys. I work with actors, but I'm like, but I'm not really one of you guys. When I was rapping, I'm like, I'm doing this as a joke. I'm not a real rapper. Right. That's interesting. I think that makes you almost like, I mean, fit in everywhere instead of not fit in everywhere. Oh, yeah. Chameleon style, baby. And if you did fit in someplace, you might not be as driven. Yeah. I think that the not fitting in makes you kind of like kick it up a notch.

I'll do this, I'll do that. What does fitting even mean? I feel like comfortable with Mark because we've been friends for so long. But I don't feel comfortable like... The bigger the group, the less comfortable I feel. Oh, totally. Group think is so dangerous. You just see... Everything that's wrong right now is just sort of large group thinking that's just so not... I feel like, and this sounds so corny, but I'm like a lone wolf who doesn't want to be in a...

large group because I feel like that's where that's dangerous in a weird way like all the bad shit you ever see from cults to politics to whatever it's always like group think yes and people like to say be yourself you got to find you and then when you be yourself you're like that's not what the group thinks you're like well I thought we were all supposed to be individuals yeah and now you're mad at me for being an individual and then what's the Adolf Hitler quote I would never want to be a member of a group that would have me as a member that's Groucho Marx but yeah oh the Marxist right that's what I meant there you go

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Adolf Hitler. Another good Hitler quote. You miss 100 shots, you don't take. Big Hitler. Wait, so what else were we talking about? I think that was Wayne Gretzky. What does that clock mean? Is that real time? Real time. You guys keep it about an hour, right? No, we go, this is a long ep. Oh, it is. This is a special ep. This is a creepy ep. Buckle up. We got people coming by. Oh, I love it. No, it's great.

We got trick-or-treaters. Yeah, we got kids coming, so... I know you got peeves. Oh, my God. This is Christmas. It's red and green now. What is that? A jello gun? A spooky shot? I found a hypnotic in a liquor store. Speaking of black club. Can I give you guys the best... I have the best... I got the best stories. Hell, yeah. You got the best hypnotic story ever, dude. Woo!

But these are, for you, Simon, these are tequila incredible hoax. Okay. I got to go to my movie premiere tonight. I'm going to be fucking hammered. And I got to get on stage and talk like in the artsy-fartsy New York Film Festival. And I'm going to get up there and just be like, I just thought we might be drunk. You want to hire me to pretend to be an Australian? I'll punch you. It'll get great buzz for the movie. No, but that seemed fake, but that really happened. Simon Rex does it again. Yeah, baby. Are we getting a photo right now? Is that what we're doing? Hey.

This is getting off the rails, baby. Okay, hypnotic. You ready for this one? Hit me. This is a good one. So this girl, fuck her. This girl, I'm not going to say her name because I don't remember it. Years ago. Demi Lovato. She calls me up crying. This is probably, I remember if I had my phone, was it the LG phone with the antenna? So far it sounds like any woman. Yeah.

I'm going to say this was like maybe 05-ish. And I get a call. And I was in New York visiting my boy. I was driving down Central Park. And I answer the phone. And it was like the LG flip phone days. Yeah. And she's crying. And she goes, I'm pregnant. Oh!

And I instinctively, this is back in the Western Union days. Jesus Christ. This is like the old Wild West, like 20 years ago. She goes, I'm pregnant. She's crying and she's doing such a performative good job that I don't even think about it. And I'm like, oh, okay, what do you need? She's like, just Western Union, $350 to Texas, or wherever she was. I don't even think about it. I do it. Then afterwards, I'm like, wait a minute. I wore a rubber with that girl. Oh.

I'll just trick in the book. She got me and I was like, well, good acting. She got me. I'm going to have to just let it go and what am I going to do? Like, okay. And then my boy hits me up a month later and goes, hey, this girl's drunk at the table bragging all loud about how she got you for 350 bucks and pretended she was pregnant. Oh.

I'm like, this bitch now is going to get it. Yes. So I go to a club in L.A. and I see her. Simon murdered a woman? Yeah, yeah. I see her at the club. Black Dahlia. That was her. I see. And by the way, when I call her a bitch, it's justified at this point. Of course. She stole from you. Yeah. And lied to me. So I go to the bartender and I go, what's your stickiest drink? And he goes, stinkiest? I go, stickiest.

He pours me a hypnotic with some other syrupy drink in it. And then he jerks off in it. And I go up to her. I see her and I go up to her and I tap her on the shoulder and she turns around and I pour the drink on her head in slow motion. And it's just dripping down. She's like...

And of course, I look like the asshole to everybody who's in the place. And security picks me up and carries me out. And I get kicked out. And I'm just like, it was worth it. Yeah, totally. That is such a real housewife way to fuck someone over. I threw a drink on her. Fuck you, Clarissa. Poured slow motion. It was so satisfying. Gratifying? Gratifying. And I poured it on her head. And just to look, it was like Carrie. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was just, it was sweet revenge. I love it. And it was almost worth it just for the poor, the 350 bucks. Hell yeah. And like good acting on her part. I'm such a dweeb when you said stickiest. I thought that was like a slang for strong. No, dude. You actually wanted something sticky. That would screw in her night. I love it. So anyway, yeah, that was, that happened. Well, she probably paid 350 for dry cleaning. So you got her there. Yeah, fuck her. I had a girl once Venmo request me to,

We hooked up, and she flew to New York to hook up with me, and it didn't end well. Not like I was mean to her, but I just didn't end up dating her. You're busy. We didn't end up dating. I ended up dating someone else. Girls get mad when you don't date them. And she Venmo request me for the flight. And I was like, pay? I didn't even want to think about it. I was like, you're not taking up real estate in my mind. Well, in all fairness, my mom is Jewish, and she wanted...

I fuck Simon. That's bold, though. The Venmo request? Oof, wow. I got peeves. Please! We love peeves. It feels like we're getting towards a venting time of...

I noticed on the show you guys will get into Peeves or Rex early and then you can get back out of it. Right? Yeah. We go wherever the pod takes us. I love it. We have the format just to have a couple things to always do. Yes. Okay. I'm drinking HIV here. You're wearing a Superman suit. Come on. Let's go nuts. Okay. Here's one. If I've said this on the last one...

Okay. When you're talking to somebody and in the middle of you talking to them, they get on their phone. Oh, yeah. But here's a rule. If I'm already on my phone and I'm texting and you start talking to me, you're in the wrong, right? Because I'm already.

in this. Don't make me feel bad I'm in my phone. You saw I was in my phone. But if I'm mid-conversation and I'm talking to you about my dad. What were you saying? That's it. And then after they're done not listening to you, they don't even come out of it and go, oh, what were you saying? It's just lost and you just sit there and you're just like, that's really annoying. And I try to never do that. So if I'm like at dinner and I feel the phone vibrating and someone's talking to me, you just got to let it vibrate. You don't pick it up.

Self-defense versus, you know. Yeah. It's just phone etiquette. My girl does it all the time where like I'll be writing a text to someone and she'll start talking to me. I'm just like, you got to let me finish. That's her fault. I'm not going to do it while you're talking. That's on her. You got to set those rules. That's a very,

It's a new peeve. Yeah. It's a very logical peeve. Very logical. Because I was in the middle of something and you started talking. Now I have to give you attention. And if I don't, you're mad. But you interrupted me. You interrupted me and you're making it like you're always... No, it's like, well, no, we're always all on our phone now. But that's not the point. It's that you saw me on my phone first. Great peeve. You're a horrible person. You can say... I'm sorry, can I just bother you for... You have to at least address that you're in the wrong. So with an ex-girlfriend of mine, we had to have a talk about...

And we go, here's the rules. And we establish it. And everything was fine. So communication is key. Okay, here's one in LA. I don't see it out here too much. Bring it on. Same face girl. Every girl now has the same mathematical face. They have the same lips. And they're 25 years old doing work on their face. What are you doing? You're 25 and you all want to look like the same...

Agreed. That's how I feel. That was literally angled right into my mouth. Sorry, sorry. Betty thought, do I go to the guest or he knows me better? Yeah, I know him better. Mark and I are old friends. He's allowed to fart in my mouth. If I have one, I'm going to rip it. Rip it up. I got to pee. People farting in my mouth. Yeah.

Yeah, no, same face. Every girl is starting to have the same face. And it used to be old ladies in Beverly Hills you'd see driving by in a Range Rover that want to look like Angelina Jolie. Sure. And they look like a cat. Yeah. But now it's girls in their 20s are all getting all this work done. And it's been super normalized and it's okay. Yes. No, it's not. I think that's for other women because us dudes don't like that. We hate it. And my wife is young and she gets it. I'm like, what?

What are you doing? Is it just filler or Botox? It's Botox. Okay, so that's... Women get prevented with Botox, I think, as well. I guess that's lesser of the bad. Yeah. It's more when they actually get work done, because I don't even notice Botox, and I guess I don't notice anyone. Yeah, they're all the same. You're right. They all have the same face, and I swear, it's almost like when dudes go to the gym too much,

Yes. You're doing that for other dudes. Yes, exactly. That's not for women. No. If you're just funny and skinny, you can get laid. You don't need to go to the gym. You're doing that for other dudes. It's quite homoerotic. It is. Or like spinning rims when those were things like that. Oh, yeah. For girls, that's for another dude to be like, you're cool. Great point. What are you doing? Yes. You might be gay, dude. Oh.

That's the new show. We might be gay. And that's okay. That's okay, but at least own it. But don't pretend you're doing it for women because really they don't give a fuck. And the type of woman who does give a fuck you don't want to be with anyway. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Like, fuck your quads, bro. Yeah. I'm with you. There's too many of this. Like, any girl who's doing this all day. Ugh.

I'm out. I'm out. It's also hilarious how women know their angle so much better than us. Like Mark and I will have a female guest and we'll take a picture with her. And Mark and I both look like in the picture and they're just like their angle is like perfect. Yeah, they know what to do. They know what to do. They know how to take a photo. Well, I think a part of the problem is these Instagram filters have made the expectation so perfect. Like they could auto-tune their face. You know, these things that it's like now the goal is perfect.

It's like the golden ratio, whatever that number is of the universal beauty math. There's like an actual mathematical equation. Can you pull it up? It's called the golden ratio. And I think it's like the Fibonacci sequence, which is the nature one. But this is more for women's face that around the world is agreed as what's beautiful for the standard. And it's the eye space. It's the nose to mouth ratio. It's the width. And it's agreed by every culture is what that is. And they're all trying to get that face. Interesting.

But it's not real, so therefore I see right through you and you're not real and I don't like you. Interesting. Yeah. You know what the craziest one is? A lot of Asians are getting the eye surgery to open them up and you're like, what are you doing? They're doing that a lot and they're getting skin lightened. They get their skin lightened. They want to become more westernized. A lot of Americans are getting their eyes closed to look more like Clint Eastwood. Yeah.

Everyone's a loser. Wait, does Clint Eastwood have... Is he like this? Oh, I don't know. He's always squinting. I almost got my car bashed in by Clint Eastwood. Whoa! Yeah, I parked in his parking... He's got a Hollywood story for everything. Oh, man. I parked in his parking spot at the Warner Brothers lot in, like, 1999. I was, like, Felicity Days or something. And I'll never forget, his offices were right next to, like, where the Friends...

We were shooting right next to Friends. And I remember I had a Porsche and I was a cocky young actor and I was making a lot of money and I was just stoned all day and I didn't care about anything. And I was a dick. And I remember I pull up into a spot and they come out, they run out, they go, "Hey, hey, hey, that's Clint's parking spot. "If he comes back, he will bash your car in "with a baseball bat." And I was kinda like, "I hope he does."

Yeah. Just for the story. Like, I want him to bash my car. And how fucking cool would that be if Dirty Harry beat up my car? Right. And I left it there for like 15 minutes and they were so pissed. But I got out of there before he. Yeah. Yeah. That was the. Yeah. That would have been a great camera moment. You feel lucky, punk? Ooh. Yeah. And then on the same lot, I played basketball with George Clooney. Yeah.

And I swatted him so clean. Swatted him so clean. He went for a layup. That's got to feel good. And I muffed it, and he goes foul. And everyone on the court goes, aw.

And I go, really? He's like, you hit me. I'm like, I'm not going to argue with George Clooney, but wow. That was all ball. Wow. It was so all ball. Was this E.R. George Clooney or was he already a movie star? E.R. George Clooney. Because it was like late 90s. Sexy. But he knew he was on the fast track calling fouls like that. So find out later, because I would play pickup with these guys and it would be like some of the grips from a show and some of the, we know, and Clooney would play. But I remember one day I'm playing out there and I guess he was very contentious with him always calling fouls that weren't really fouls. You hear the same thing about Obama. He called

a lot of fouls. Is that right? Yeah. I think when you get super famous, you feel entitled to a foul call. I think you're right. And also, I think like, yeah, everything else goes your way. Yes. I would think you'd want to be humbled in the opposite way, but maybe not. But anyway, so this fucking grip or one of the guys who wasn't an actor and he calls a foul a foul,

calls a foul on this guy who's obviously like a blue collar tough guy who's working on one of the sets and Clooney gets the dude in a headlock right and he's like this and everyone's like oh shit and immediately the guy reverses the headlock and gets Clooney in one and is on top of him like this and everyone goes no no no no that's a 20 million dollar

face don't do it and i remember seeing clooney's face just sticking out of the thing and this guy was gonna muffle him up and i was like oh shit and the dude didn't punch him but he just had him clean and it was like a basketball hollywood fight almost happened and i was like this is incredible that's a rough game and as he did it matt damon was walking out with all his money i knew you were gonna come with uh no clooney uh

By the way, Clooney should do this podcast. I feel like he's a Casamigos guy. He's a liquor guy. I feel like he's a comedy fan. I heard him on Marin. Really? He was cool as fuck. He's a big comedy fan. I'm putting it out in the universe. George Clooney, come on, we might be drunk. Come on, Clooney. We're fans. We're big fans of your work. Yeah, and your wife.

Out of Sight's one of my favorite movies. Great movie. Out of Sight. That's a great movie. He's awesome as a bank robber in that. Also, Elmore Leonard. Good director, too. Yeah, so to me. Elmore Leonard. Isn't there a movie about him coming out? Wait. Is there? Really? He wrote all those cool books. Oh, never mind. I just read one of his books. I'm confused. There was the Detroit Bank Robbery one. I forget the name. Yeah, that's a lot of his shit. He's great. He's a great writer.

But, dude, also what you said about stars calling shit, I know a guy who played in a pickup game with Kanye West. What? And apparently he called goaltending. It's like, oh, dude, you can't jump. And he's like, goaltending, that counts. And they're like, what? It's like calling three in the key. It's like, come on. Three in the key. Kanye calls goaltending. Wow. I do think Clooney should come on this pod, though. That'd be great. We'd love to have you. The facts of life.

I'm trying to think of a Kanye joke because she ain't messing with a goaltender. Hey, I like it. I like it. He's back with Adidas. You see that? Yeah, they forgave him.

Oh, after the anti-Semitic rants? Yeah. He seemed really mild-mannered that he won't ever make another mistake. So I'm sure this will be a long-lasting partnership. Yeah, this is probably it. Well, I think with Hamas, he doesn't look as bad. That's true. You know? Yeah. He's looking pretty good right now. I don't think he was doing us any favors. But yeah, there's bigger villains out there for sure.

Yeah. That Alex Jones thing. You know it's bad when Alex Jones. What's Alex Jones thing? Oh, he went on Alex Jones. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Defending Hitler. You know it's bad when Alex Jones was like, you got to take it down. Yeah, he was like, you got to take it down. Pump the brakes, man. Oh, man. Sandy Hook.

Oh, wait. Can I? Bunch of actors. I hardly knew you. I started off as a... I want to do a bit, this bit never worked about Sandy Hook, but about how like, if you believe in crisis actors, do you believe in crisis actor agents? Ah. Or some guy like, she's incredible. She was in Sandy Hook. That's fucking great. She's possible for Pulse Nightclub, you know? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's fucking great because I got a couple of friends who are really big conspiracy theorists and in the peak of COVID when there was like people crying over a lost loved one, they'd be like, that's a crisis actor. I'm like, well, I'm an actor and I could tell like that's not, that's real. That's not a hired actor. Like to orchestrate that, like there's no talking to those people, but it's okay.

I have a lot of like magical thinking friends, which is, you know, that's kind of what surfaced during COVID was a lot of people that believe in some other shit, you know, whatever teach zone. But that's actually a big piece of mine is trying to, you know, like have a conversation with someone who believes in all of that. You know, they believe that crystals will heal them. And that's kind of fun.

though because you're like just go it's entertaining you know you meet a flat earther I'm like please please talk that's a good attitude to have it's like I wish I could be entertained more I get I don't know why it bothers me but it does well it's it's maddening because you're like what are you crazy but you're also like

let me listen. Uh, oh wait, I think I got it. How about another piece? Crystals. If crystals are healing, I want to see you with a guy with a gunshot wound. Yeah, exactly. Put a little crystal next to him. Let's see what happens. Some cancer. Yeah. You guys probably can't relate to this one, but this is more of the rest of the country might relate to this one because you guys are New Yorkers, but you do drive, you drive. Oh yeah. So there's a thing when you're driving and, uh,

you're supposed to keep like, you know, a couple cars distance between you and the car in front of you in case they slam on the brakes. You got to give a couple, a little bit of breathing room. So I'll be in the fast lane and I got two car lengths in front of me just to be a normal human. And somebody zips in to fill in that spot.

zip and they're risking your life yes and they're filling in the space and that's kind of what causes traffic like the accordion effect of like it all backs up and it's like if everyone just stayed in their fucking lane and didn't be an asshole we'd have less traffic and and and every time it happens i gotta try not to get mad but it's like dude you filled in my safety zone dude and you're fucking it's like not cool but it's in new york i don't think you guys get that one is

of mine. No, no, I'm with you on that. The too close to pull in. Just the fill-in guy or the guy racing next to you and you're racing to a red light. Yeah. Where are we going? Well, there's a comfort with the distance. That's what it is. You fill it in, you're ruined. It's my life. We're talking about my life. It'd be like if a guy at a movie theater, they had the whole thing to yourself and a guy sat right next to you. You're like,

What are you doing, man? Fucking happening, dude. No way. It happens at bars, dude. Really? Yeah, the bar will do it too. What the fuck is that? They want to hang. There's two type of people. The people that are in the airplane that don't notice there's 72 people waiting and they're slowly putting their bag away. And then there's me who's like...

like, I don't want to be in your way. Let me like, you know, I got one crazy. It was an airplane and it was me in the window, a lady and the empty seat. We're taking off. The seat on the aisle is empty. I go, Hey, look at this. We got the, why don't you scoot it over? And she was like, I'm good. I'm like, come on, hit the, hit the aisle. She stayed middle, stayed middle. Oh,

Couldn't believe it. Oh, my God. For a second, I thought Mark went the other way, that she was in the aisle. And he's like, come closer. No, no. That's why it took me a second. Take the aisle. What are you, crazy? She stayed in the middle for like, it was a fucking flight from Vegas. That's insane. This one must have been a peeve on the show before, is when you, a long time ahead, reserve your aisle or your window, and a couple gets on and they're like, excuse me, would you mind switching your seat so I could sit with my... It's like, bitch, you guys live together. Take a break for two hours.

I'm not giving up my window seat so I could sleep. Fuck you. And now I'm the asshole when I say no. No, no, no. Fuck you. If it's still an aisle, I go out. That's the key. If it's still aisle, I'll give it to you. I will give you my aisle. Right. But if you're trying to get me to go window for window, kiss my dick, bitch. No, no, no. That's my point. I say kiss my dick, bitch, to them. That's what I say. I say, fuck you, kiss my dick. Well, one time this happened to me. It was like Miami. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, no, no. I was going to say kiss my dick a few more times. It's very important. Oh, God.

They got to get t-shirts. Some merch going. Well, so I met someone in the middle once. This Miami couple. I was in Miami flying to LA. And this guy gets on with his wife and kid. And they're like, can we please sit? And I go, no. And they made some big stink about it. I go, how about this? Halfway through the flight, I'll give you the seat. Hmm.

So I was nice to... That's a compromise. That's a compromise. But in my mind, I'm like, don't you want to be with... Do you really need to be next year? You guys live together? Yeah. Take a fucking break and just like... And no offense, but it's not my fault you didn't book the shit together. Like, why is that on me? What am I, Expedia now? I gotta change the flights? Expedia. But like, I had this with a lady. She goes, hey, I think they know I'm weak. They go right to me. And I'm just sitting there. I got my sunglasses on. I'm hungover. I'm gay. I'm gay.

And she's like, hey, what are you up to? By the way, you sound like a very weak person right now. I'm weak. I'm weak. And she's like, hey, oh, oh, oh. No, it's hot. It's hot. Okay. It's starting to get hot in here. It's very, what's the material? Holocaust-y. A little Mickey thinner. Made by Hitler. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. Hugo Boss, I think he did the design. Oh, was Hugo Boss the one who made, because they did dress good. Oh, yeah. They looked amazing. Pull that up. Well, yeah, the Nazi uniforms are...

I mean evil as fuck, but yeah, I mean, they look sharp. Hugo Boss has a great cut and I won't wear it out of respect. Oh really? No, because you know what? It's like, yeah, I get it. But then would you drive a Volkswagen? I think it's different. I think Hugo Boss was like the Nazi manufacturer. Right, right. Look, you could cut holes in what I'm saying a million ways. I'm just, if I see it, it's also expensive. I'm like, I'm not going to drop a lot of money.

You know what? That's a peeve. These guys, and I might lose you guys on this, but these guys who buy like a $60 t-shirt, it'll be like a black solid t-shirt, 60 bucks. I'm like, I go to Hanes.

For a black tee? Yeah. I mean, for like TV or something. Sometimes it just fits better. I get it. I still don't get it. I'm like, you can't tell the difference between my Hanes and that Hugo. Right, right. I get if it's like tattered or has a loose neck or something, maybe. But the straight up black tee for $60? I don't get it. Do we have any? I love this Nazi with free Wi-Fi, by the way. How'd that work? Are these Neos? I guess not. All right. But yeah. What about Rex?

Simon? Yeah. I got to peeve. Please. Literally every person weighing in on every issue on social media. Oh, welcome to the internet. The Middle East. The Middle East. The Middle East. Like literally the dumbest fucking people. The Middle East, Midwest. The dumbest people are like, here's what you have to do. And I'm like, some bodybuilder in Tampa figured it out? Yeah, you're going to solve the crisis in the Middle East? Yeah, everybody is giving me bench set tips. All right? Right. Way down.

The what? Mia Khalifa weighed in. And she lost her deal with Playboy. What a dumb bitch, though. I mean, truly, you know you're a bag of shit when Playboy's like, we can't show you pussy anymore. You're too big of a piece of shit. Wait, Playboy's still around? I didn't even know. I thought it was over. It's like a prestige thing. It's like you doing Fallon. Got it, got it.

I did show my tits on Fallon. Yeah, you did. I might have to show my tits here soon. It's hot. Yeah, you're getting halfway naked. It's like you're Clark Kent all of a sudden without the phone booth. Yeah, that's really annoying is everybody... It's like...

It's like, can we all agree you said this once actually, Sam? Yeah. Can we all agree we don't know anything? Especially about the most complex thing. Experts are at a loss. You don't need to have an answer for everything and just regurgitate something you saw on the internet and think that you know. Just be like, I don't know. And I'm not even saying, if you want to post this really upsets me, that's totally understandable. You should be allowed to do that.

And if you want to say like this is fucked up on both sides here and we're mourning the loss of people and terrorism is horrible. But like the people that are just posting like, here's what I think. You're like, well, I don't want to know. But for some reason it's been upvoted. But it's just more –

We're not solving this on Twitter, is my point. You're not changing anything, and you're just singing from your soapbox. It's about you. You're making it the you show. You made the Middle East about you. That's it. Oh, speaking of peeve, here's one. When a girl posts on their social media or whatever, them doing charitable work, like some white girl with 30 black kids in Africa smiling like, bitch, you're saving the world. Get the fuck out of here.

You're fucking making it about you. You only did it for the post. It's all about you. You don't give a fuck about the kids. You even picked one where you look hot in the middle of a sea of children. You sick bitch. Yeah. I mean, literally the second it's over, she's like, all right, yeah, that's it. Don't touch me. Ew. Unbelievable. Can't do it. Sort of tagging that. I've got one. Celebrities pretend like they're down to earth. Oh, I love that. Oh shit, is that me? When it's Paltrow and her Oscar is propping up her door. Oh,

How is that down to earth? She's pretending like I'm not impressed by the door. Oh, I see. I see. It's just a doorstop to me. Yeah, we're still Shakespeare in love anyway. It doesn't really count. Hey, get in here, Giorno. Hey, Liquid IV, folks. You don't have to be an athlete to need extra hydration throughout the day. Liquid IV's got you covered with three times the electrolytes as a leading sports drink and eight vitamins and nutrients for everyday wellness. No matter what you're up to, Liquid IV will keep you hydrated forever.

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Jordan, get over here. You're sober, right? Hey, this is Jordan Jensen. Simon. You have a drink, right? Fellow comedian in New York. Oh, you have a drink. Okay. We'll drink for you. What's shaking? I'll do mushrooms. What are you, super lesbian? What's the outfit here? I'm queer. Oh, Doug Funny. I'm queer, man. Cute.

QAnon lady. Do you remember? This dog is deceased. No. Basically. She's hanging in. It's right at the end. Don't you ever say that about little Winnie. Oh my God. She looks like John the Booker of Stand Up New York. A little inside, but yeah, yeah.

Simon's half naked because he's hot. It's very hot material. I'm actually embarrassed. I met you once and I played myself in front of you really bad. Oh. What did you do? I came up to give you like your credit after a stand-up show I saw you do and you're sitting with, you're friends with Louie, right? Yeah. You were sitting with Louie and I was just like,

I was just, I hate myself. And I come up to you and you're sitting there after a set you murdered and I just reached over and I thought that I should come give you your props. And it was just like very unnecessary. Nothing wrong with that. No, no, it was because I could tell like even you and Louie were just like, why is this guy coming? I went to your little booth area. It was at the cellar downstairs, that little area, but the other cellar around the corner. Oh, at the VU. And I had a couple of drinks and I think I was even on mushrooms. And I was like, I'm just going to go tell her. And that happened.

So I apologize. You don't remember this? No. Okay, see, I've been living with this. There's nothing wrong with you saying good set. No. We love that. Did you force a fist bump? Yeah. Yeah, that was it. Too close to the face one? Yeah, that happens. Forgetting Simon is terrible. Well, she'd never even remember. No, Norman, come on. Oh, jeez. I've been living with that every day for... Well, no one noticed. Remember, they're not thinking about you, Simon. Is that...

It's alcoholic. She doesn't drink. Virgin. I wish that somebody would. She's a virgin. So mushrooms but no booze is okay? Yeah, mushrooms, acid. I mean, I can't do Molly because I'm on too many antidepressants. Oh, gotcha. Oh, really? But booze just, I don't know. Can you orgasm? No. That's what I hear. I say antidepressants, you can't orgasm. I can't even. Well, maybe that's the problem.

That's my Seinfeld. What's the deal with these antidepressants? The women aren't coming. Well, it's ironic because women are on antidepressants to make them chill enough to date, and then they can't come. Oh, well, they couldn't come anyway from my experience. The G-spot's a myth. That mask is tight. Oh, it's hurting. I am hurting right now. I broke mine. I luckily got his Incredibles mask. I'm going to take this off and turn Asian. My eyes are being pulled back. I did acid with my dad recently. What?

Dad, who are you? I did acid with my fucking dad. Timothy Leary Jr.? This guy's pissed six times. I did acid with my father. That's a fake tit. Watch out. It's soaked in booze on accident. Yeah, Mark, it was weird, man. Yeah, what was that like? It was weird. I would go shroom before acid with Papa. See, I used to be shroom before acid, but actually acid to me is cleaner. Shrooms get me more heady, and acid's cleaner. You guys have a good relation? Working on it. Okay. That was part of the whole thing. Good for you.

Yeah, it was heavy though, man. It was the second time we've done it. My dad's like an old hippie, so it's nothing for him to do psychedelics. But it was weird. It was weird. Of course. But I'd be worried you would get too honest. Like, I never wanted you. The abortion clinic was closed that day. Your mom's a whore. Exactly.

You know, it was wild. I'd love to do acid with my dad now that he's dead. That would be really a happy idea. Just looking at the coffin. Yeah. Staring at it. That was always his thing. He was like, you can do acid, but you have to do it with me. And I was like, that's the scariest thing. Wait, did he really say that? Yeah, because he was a hippie, but he was worried I would jump off a building, which was very true. Where did you grow up? Ithaca. Ithaca.

I was going to say upstate. It feels like an upstate hippie dad thing to do. And I did acid, tripped hard, and it was a near death. Really? I was on the front page of my newspaper. Come on. What? Pull it up. Somebody walked by me and they went, you're famous. And it tripped me out. And then I got home. Type Ithaca Journal. Ithaca Journal acid trip.

And my last name is spelled with an E. Fucker. Jeez, come on, Sally. And then... You look like divorced Wolverine right now. This is pathetic. I got laid off from being Wolverine. I'm an IT guy now. Squinting at the computer. Okay, so what do we got here? Ithaca Gazette. That's my dead dad. Oh, this is hurting. Obituaries. Yeah, I don't know how you pull it up, Jordan Jensen. Maybe...

No, Ecuador. That's what it was for because I didn't know. All right. So what happened? Okay. Well, I saw myself on the front page and I thought that that meant that I was supposed to die that day. Oh, shut up. What the hell does that mean? I was like, today's the day I'm supposed to die. It's all a cyclical thing. So then I locked myself in a room. Uh-huh. And...

and went in and out of being like no i have to seize life and live to the fullest to no no you have to kill yourself immediately back and forth forever yeah and then i came out of it a new person and haven't done acid since oh hey there you go ithaca you gotta do acid what else is there to do there i'll do all the time i did them the other day same here gang fest and then i heard everyone's on psychedelics there huh oh yeah that's like a big druggy thing it was one of the comics was so fucked up that she touched a black girl's hair i saw that that was so oh you

were there I was there I was at a strip club it's funny I try to write a bit about it you can touch everything there it's full nude you can finger women you can't touch the hair though that gets you kicked out so funny damn who was the who did she it was wine shank the poor thing and I was trying to explain to her I was me and Kim Condon a friend of my friend a lady at the club

Black lady. Yeah, and we were trying to explain it, and I was like, yeah, I just... And Weinstein was like, but why? And she was asking, why is she mad? But I thought she was saying, why can't we touch a black girl's hair? And I was like, ooh, no idea. That is way beyond my... We're going to sit down and talk about that one for a while. It's a long answer. Yeah, we don't want a bunch of white people to be breaking this one down. Who knows? I think it's fine. Sure. Phoebe Robinson, get in here. I'm Jewish. Oh, you are? Cool. Mark?

I'm atheist. Yeah. Gay. Trans. Yeah. Is that stuff your dick is stuffed in there, huh? No, this is a sock. Nice. But I'm ambiguously gay, so I wanted a hog. Yeah. But I'll take it out. I feel disingenuous. Who were the two actors that were the two? Who was it again? Beatty. Was it ambiguously gay? Oh, it's Robert Smigel. It was Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. Is that right? Yeah.

Wait, why Smigel? Smigel wrote it. Oh, I got to just do a thing with him. What did you do? Really? I got to do a Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog song live at Largo in LA. And I did a Sandler song that they had done 20 years ago. It was like a Sandler singing with the dog going back and forth. Oh, wow.

And he was like, well, you do Sandler's part of the song. And I got to sit down with him and rewrite it a little bit and perform it live while Triumph and me were riffing back and forth. And it was one of the fucking coolest things ever. It was at a strip club comedy show that they do in L.A. at Largo that was... Anyway, it was cool, and I was just honored to work with Triumph. Hell yeah. He's so funny. I mean, it was just one of those things that...

It's cool. It's a 250 seater. Sorry, it hurts. But yeah, that's so fun. Yeah, it was cool to work with Triumph. Triumph's a legend. Pull up Comic-Con with Triumph or the Star Wars line. How about the Wiener Circle?

What's that? When he's in Chicago at the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all great. He's excellent. Smigel's a genius. I mean, he's... Yeah, he's excellent. I don't know who any of these people are. You know Smigel. No. What? That guy? The insult dog? Listen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote for SNL for a while. No. No, no. I don't think so. He's out there. I thought he was there reporting on maybe January 6th or something and got put in jail for a minute. Different guy. Thank you. Different guy. That's an... I know who you're talking about.

The part where he touches their hair is brutal here. Is that Zach McBrayer or whatever? Jack McBrayer. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, this is my dream. It's just a guy behind this hand, by the way. That's the beauty of it. He's just standing right there saying this shit. But the fact that they're mad at the puppet is the best part. Yes, yes. Ha ha!

Thank you. Thank you. What is that there? Water. This suit is my kryptonite. I'm dying in here. It's so hot. There's something hot about the muscles sliding off, revealing the skinny man underneath. Yeah. You're in pretty good shape, though, Simon. I'm okay. I saw you... I mean...

Ass naked in Red Rocket. You were running. I was like, you look pretty good. I just do Jewish prison push-ups. That's all I do. Body weight prison push-ups. Not trying to get buff. Just want to be flexible and mean and lean and be able to run away from danger. Well, the Holocaust invented Bikram.

All right. Okay. I don't think it helped anxiety quite as much. That's a good point. So you're into hot yoga now, man. I go. My girl likes it, so I'll go. No, it's okay. I'll go once every two weeks. It's humbling. I don't stretch, so it's like an excuse for me to stretch. You got to stretch.

It's humbling. I like, do you ever do stuff like that or no? I just came from Pilates. Whoa. You came? I came from doing Pilates. Yes. I have come from an exercise machine once. Which one? Which one? The elliptical? This is so weird. This is so weird. I could do it right now if we had one. Pull it up. Well, the Prozac. You go like this. Pull it out. And you lift your legs up like that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. On your stomach or your back? You're on your back? Like this. You're holding on. Oh, and you just do your legs up? Dude, I have no idea. There's something about the blood pulling down and it's crazy. I've done it like multiple times. We had one growing up. Man, it's sad when you can't get your own wife off and she goes to fucking an exercise class and she's jizzing all over the floor. Yeah. A man can never say that. Like, I hit the Pilates machine and I came all over the place. Oh, yeah. Fuck off.

I mean, I'm not announcing it. I'm not being announcing it. Really good class. Thank you, Martha. I came, actually, three times. You're in a planet fitness. Oh! No grunting. No grunting. Oh, fuck. What is it? A lug alarm? Lug bell, I think. Yeah, lug bell. Yeah. Is this really a silicone tit? It is. You know who sent us this? How are you guys doing?

Do you know who sent us these tits? I already had about 30 pieces. I'm going to be so fucked tonight. Do you know who sent us these titties? Who? Simon is Trey Parker from South Park's wife. Yeah, she does implants. She likes the pot, I guess. Why does she have these? She's a doctor or a surgeon. Oh, okay. Oh, really? Yeah. What the fuck? Power couple. Wow. I know. White power couple. That's the dream is to get Trey Parker and Matt Stone on the show. Oh.

- Oh, that'd be great. - Okay, so yeah, who's the dream? - Oh, speaking of dream Jess. - Oh, it's Prince. - Austin Powers is escaping a series of Me Too's. - Austin White Powers. - And he doesn't move his legs like this.

Do I make you run? Here, sit down. We're going to move the aborted baby here. Hold on. There we go. How the hell are you? You know Simon? I'm good. Hello. Ian, Ian, Simon, Simon, Ian. Good to see you both. Both funny guys. Yes, I'm very excited. Oh, this is exciting to have you here, buddy. Good to see you. Thank you. I'm so happy. Thanks for doing it. You reek of velvet and cigarettes. Yes, I got changed here on the street. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That is such a good costume. Did you bring that? They bought it for me. I asked for it. You really put the man in the quail man. Who's quail man, by the way? Is that Quidditch? Doug. Quidditch. Remember Doug? Skeeter? Patty Manning? I remember it, yeah. Doug and the Rugrats were holding that network down for a while. Devil of Doom?

Oh, no. Temple of Doom. You're thinking of Hidden Temple. Hidden Temple. Legends of the Hidden Temple. Dude, the best part of that show is when they were trying to – pull this up, Salakus. When they were competing in the end and a security guard would just grab them. Oh, yeah, right. Do you think once a guy was like, this is a great way to kidnap kids? I would love to go to have like a where are they now, the kids that –

Yes. You know? That would be great. You'd have to go to a lot of grave sites. It was a cool show. Or a bunch of Double Dare people. What are these Double Dare people? They're all addicted to fentanyl. It was educational, too. They do like real questions. You'd have to move up. All right. Now we sound like pedophiles. Could I have another shot? Also, the kids were really attractive. Whatever that green monster was.

Yeah, that was great. You know what? I'll do Mark. You do one more? I got a full IV or HIV. Wait, what's in that IV? Booze. I'm just drinking a little. Oh, no. I have some left. She relapsed already. No, you didn't. No, I'd be sucking everybody's dick if I had. You know what I mean? Give her some booze. How long have you been sober of alcohol?

Since October two years ago. When did I get into the cellar? Two years ago? Two years ago. Hey, look at your whole life turned around. Well, I had not been drinking for a long time, and then I got in, and I had a glass of wine. She's talking about the wine cellar. And there's no alcohol in this, right? And then I had a glass of wine to celebrate, and I didn't like it, so I kept going. But that was the last time I drank. You feel better, right? I just don't like it. I get slutty. I get sleepy. My face gets red. I get puffy. Oh.

And I always like, yeah, I hang out with people. You end up doing shit you don't want to do and you're like, why did I do that? Yeah, that's true. What about, does marijuana do the opposite and keep you out of trouble or do you make you insecure and paranoid? Scary. Yeah, yeah. It could go either way. Should I bite my tongue off? Let me see. Should I bite my tongue off right now? Should I peel the flesh off? Yeah. Isn't that weird? But okay, so you really are not left with much because no alcohol, no weed, occasional mushrooms. Mushrooms are the best. I don't need anything besides mushrooms. You saw me on mushrooms. You loved me on mushrooms. No, you were fine. I'm

not me i don't do any of that you can't do anything i can't do you're more of an addict what are you a drinker you're sober what are you drinking this is not alcohol how long you've been sober eight years good for you dude 2015 good for you dude i understand i understand how fucking hard that is i think i've gone three months is my max just on yeah yeah three yeah you are so strong you can't even fit in that i know i'm busting out of the scene dude no it's a it's literally the hottest true for me we've been here for four hours and i'm

I'm overheating. Let's take four more. What do you do? Are you in a relationship right now? No. What do you guys do on a first date as sober people? Good question. I tell them, I go, I don't drink. We can get coffee.

or go for a walk. But I feel like sobriety is hot right now. People are going sober. It's way more popular than ever. I guess. I don't go on dates. I just fuck comics. What? Yeah. What'd you say? I don't go on dates. I just hook up with comics who've seen my entire act and know everything about me. They know that approaching me sexually is terrifying and then

I'll hook up with a girl and then a couple days later go, I've been listening to your podcast, dot, dot, dot, dot. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, yeah, my son's pee-pee. But at least they know you. At least they're like, well, I've known every bad thing he's ever done and said, and I'm still willing to fuck him. I've had fights with girls that I date over shit they've heard me say on podcasts. I always wondered if that happened. You're fishing.

Yeah. All right. I've never, and this is not a slight on any woman I've ever dated. I've never, I usually spend so much time with them that I've never been like, you know what I need to do in my spare time? Spend more time with them. Yeah. That's what a podcast is. That's crazy lady shit. I would never listen to a podcast of a woman I was fucking with. I always wonder when you guys talk and shit, I'm like, are there girls listening on this? I hope not. They must be in sometime.

Yeah, I've gotten in trouble for a bunch of stuff. Oh, good. I got in trouble with Matt Richards recently. I got in trouble with a guy that I was dating because I said libertarian stuff. What, a guy got mad at you for that?

Yeah. That's a deal breaker. She dates absolute piss. Oh, really? This guy's... Any guy who's like, that's inappropriate. You're like, all right, we got to go. Well, the girls who do that are like, oh, you didn't refer to me as your girlfriend. You said that. And I'm like, you're going to kick rocks, lady. Yeah. But also, don't stop blowing me. Yeah.

I'm trying to tell my wife that. A lot of comics don't put stuff in their act because of it. Because of their... Well, that's why I just stopped dating people. Because I was like, look, I'm having more fun now than ever that I don't have to be like, do they work? But when I'm in a relationship, I do not talk about them personally. I very much keep that boundary up. Me neither. But the second we break up, I'm like, I'm going to bring this fucker down.

Jordan turns into a fucking Oracle of just fucked over Trevor Bauer. I don't know if you heard about that. What is that?

Dude, I felt fake titties at Skank Fest. Those big fake titty girls, they let me grab them all over. They're hard as a rock. Hard as a rock. I don't love it. Yeah, it's not great. The first time is exciting. I remember I hooked up with a girl with big fake tits once, and I was like, the first time you're like, this is incredible. But then you feel real tits again, and you're like, yeah, I'm going back to the organic. Yeah, you want a little squeeze. That's how I feel about trans women. Now, how do you feel? I need to go back to the organic. How do you feel with Joe DeRosa getting all this love? Good! And you're like...

like, I've been doing this for years and that Norton's been doing it before all of you. F word because of it. You know what? Sorry about that. No, hey, good for DeRosa. He's finally realizing he's cool. He's a friend of finance. I support it. There you go. More guys need to go to the other side. All right. At Skank Fest, he goes like this. He's like, he's like,

we're talking upstairs and he's like, yeah, Joe DeRosa, you know, he got blown or Sagalow's telling us he got blown by this trans woman. And, and Ian goes, she, she would have blown me. She would have blown me too if I had asked her. And we were like, no, that's not really the direction. We're not going in like, isn't he a lucky boy? We're going, isn't he maybe a gay man? Well, he loved her.

it he's all in now does that mean you're gay or I mean I'm a novice it doesn't mean you're gay is skin fest just drugs and sex and rock like what's the I've never been good vibe fun vibe is it a lot of drugs and fucking is that what's going on not fucking is it burning man for comics what are we talking about there's very little comedy happening

Really? It's a lot of podcasts. Oh, so it's more of a party? It's a party, yeah. It's a big party. It's basically everyone that pays for Lewis' network gets their dream to come true once a year. They all get to see us live. They get to meet Sam Talent. Whoa! Make a wish for people that are going to hang on for a few more years.

Yeah, exactly. No, it's great. Why is it so fun? It's all these comedy fans go. They get to see you do stand-up podcasts. You say hi. You say hello. It's really fun. You gamble. It's a party for all the comics. You gamble. It's in Vegas. It's Comic-Con. Yeah, and we all get to hang out because we never really see each other all the time.

in the same place so it's really nice for everyone I've been hearing about it for years you don't have to censor you know sometimes you go in a green room and you're like can I say retard around this lady probably not but Skankfest is just full on go nuts there's no industry there so you don't have to like

Have conversations with people you don't give a shit about. How long until you think they'll go to that, though? Because it seems to be- Emily was there. The Comedy Store Booker was there. But she's cool. She can hang. Britt and Lucy were there. They're cool. They're different. They're alcoholics and fun ladies. I mean, they're strip clubs putting labia, 20s in labia. Yeah, we had a thing. They had each night was like someone hosted a party at the strip club. Oh, you ran the fucking-

show, man. This guy can run a strip club. It was impressive. I was watching from a distance touching that black lady's hair. They gave us a bus and I rallied the troops. I got us all on a bus. We went to this strip club. I got to be like a mother hen of like

ushering people over. I was giving people wands. I was like, have you had enough Patron? Okay, good. Do you need some wands? Okay. It was so fun. It was impressive. You gave me the $1 bills to give the strippers, but I was on mushrooms. So I would hold it out to them and then they would flip their butts into my face and it freaked me out so much that then I would disappear, hide behind the wall that is TJ Miller and the women thought that I was like grifting them. They were like,

You're luring us. Well, first of all, Jordan goes, what do I do? I go, you throw it at him. So she overhand throws a dollar bill like she's in a fucking league of their own. I didn't want to be too close. And then a girl popped her ass over and when she twerked, her pussy fell out and Jordan went, ah!

And she just scurried away. Her body parts. I'm not a big, are you a strip club guy? No, I was thinking about that earlier. How I'm not because I forget why I thought because it's very uncomfortable. I don't know where to look. Do you look them in the eyes? Do you look at their tits? Do you look at their butt? What do you do? It's uncomfortable. I know, but it's weird. And the people, it's very, I just look at the dudes in there and it's sad.

Sure. Well, I like going when it's a group of friends and I get to see them interact. I'm not going to be like, I want that one. No, it's a goof. I just feel like I'm getting hustled. It's a goof. It's a fun thing. I don't want to pay to get a heart on. I get a heart on for free. I can't get heart. So I was going up and going, may I give you

a piece of currency, milady. No. Jordan saw one go, I don't want that. She threw it on the ground. She was like a duchess with these huge tits and he goes, a currency for you. And she goes, I don't want this. He gives him his dollar back. It was a Best Buy gift card. Let's be honest. You're drying up strippers with your character work. I know.

Fuck the impromptu guys are here again. I go up, I'm like, Benaka? And I start talking to my asshole like Ace of Tura. Those strippers were aggressive, man. They were trying to make a buck and they were not taking no for an answer. I had a breakup once and I went to a strip club solo in Minneapolis and I was so depressed. I was playing acne. That's sad. I was so sad. I was like, I don't know what else to do. I'm alone. And I went and all the women that came up to me were like too young. I couldn't do anything. One of them was like, she must have been like 22. And I was like, I'm sorry, do you have anyone like old?

Simon.

Statement, rather. I went to a strip club in New Orleans. Yeah. When I worked at MTV in the 90s, and this kid had never been to a strip club. He was really young. We're like, he's like, what do I do? I'm like, give her a dollar. He put four quarters on the... Shut the fuck up. You can't bring the temple to that fucking strip club. Holy shit. There's a strip club in New Orleans. I'm not going to say which one. Hustler. But they do a thing where if it's your 18th birthday, they bring you on stage, and if you get a boner...

Yes. You get all the money. Or you get none of the money because people are throwing dollar bills on stage. But if you don't get a boner, you get all the money.

So my friend, we went for my friend's 18th birthday basketball shorts. It's like a gay man's ATM. Asked him out. That's that game that we used to play. What was it called? Spend a Dick? Where you would like slowly... Chicken. No, you'd get closer and closer and closer until they would cut you off. Yeah, chicken. Is this my station? Gay chicken. Wait a minute. You go like this until you tell me to stop. Okay, well, I'm going to chicken myself. Yeah, thank you. I was going to let you go for the bits.

Alright, so what happened? I was terrified. Like, thank God I have six pairs of underwear on. Mark, it's hard we lose all our subscribers. No, that game has a name. Chicken! When you put your hand on someone's leg and go to touch their penis, they say chicken. You don't have to keep yelling the same thing at me. It's not going to make me change my mind. It's called chicken. You're not being able to see through your goggles. What is it? Give it a go. I don't know this game.

Did you guys ever say it was a flavor? Gay chicken. Yes. Gay chicken or as I call it, a turkey. Sorry. Nervous. It's called nervous. Remember Attell's old bit about like what was it about chicken and fish? That's what's healthy. I say we start serving penguin. Attell's always got the best. He's got it. The other night Ari walked through the room at the cellar and Attell goes, Ari, you look like the landlord of a

box ah what a poetic way to say homeless what the fuck am i smoking here sunset sunset have a little sunset that's nice i'm okay all right i'll take the real thing spreading covid right now yeah really super spreader oh my goodness oh no i want to guess whoa this guy he's good really he's good yeah i'm a mentalist yeah

Oh boy. I'm good. Is he going to read our minds? I think. Yeah, what does a mentalist do? God, you want to see a real haunted house? Open that thing up. This will be the scariest episode you've ever recorded. She's got all the abortion ghosts inside of her. I have to go. Ghost of babies in there. She's growing on you, I see. Oh my God. Wait, whose dog? Is that Gizmo? It's not Gizmo. Who is that? I just realized she's a hot dog. Who's Gizmo? Liz's dog. Oh.

Oh, right, right, right. Liz has an old-ass pug, too. Isn't it weird that they both have old-ass pugs? They're surrounding your life. Maybe the mentalist can tell you why. That's a good point. You know, maybe your spirit animal is a decrepit, ancient, half-blind dog. They're just such fun dogs. I love, pugs' face are like comedy, man. Oh, yeah. It's like they have such comedic faces. A funny-looking dog with the tongue out, the one eye. Also, they get a mad rap. They're the same as French Bulldogs, pretty much, but now they're the hobo version. Yeah, but they're not supposed to exist. Yeah.

That's true. Because they're breathing. Neither are you, okay? They're like Chinese emperor dogs, so they're supposed to be right by your side. Hey, how you doing, sir? How's the mental? I'm in a costume. I'm so really terrible here. I showed up. Yes. All right. Give the man a chair. How you doing, sir? Comedy.

Are we doing this? Feels like a Kyle Dunnigan character. Come on, sit down. Thank you. There we go. Get a mic on the mental. Oh, you got one. So Oz. Follow AGT alum right here. Oh, I didn't go very far on it though. You're too good for them. Oh.

I don't know about that. You were on AGT? The guy who beat me was actually an incredible mime. That guy, Tape Face. Tape Face, yeah. He's incredible. He's incredible, yeah. He's got like a Vegas residency. People were like, you lost to a mime, and then like Tape Face, they're like, oh shit, he's good. Yeah, that's pretty strong. It's still bad for the poor woman who was abducted. She's like, I can't watch Tape Face. It brings me back to when the guy who fucking put me in a cellar for nine years. How far are you going at Oz? Was he talking during that and behind the scenes or what? He talked to me. Oh, yeah. Good question.

I don't know what they do to you, but they try to get you to talk shit about your fellow contestants, and I'm not going to do it. They try to watch you and have cameras on you and have you talking shit behind the scenes while you're watching them. Oh, really? And try to get a gotcha moment where your face is like, oh, that sucked. What did you say? I don't quite know what a mentalist is. Please. I mean, should we get in it? Yeah. Let's get this going. I'm the lame one who can't drink. I got a gig right after this.

I thought this was tomorrow. Hey, so do we. Superman. What's your name? Simon. Simon. What's a mentalist, right? Whoa, have you seen MTV in the 90s? Yeah, where the fuck have you been, Oz? Simon. This guy's royalty. What's that? Nothing. Pick a number. One to 100. 69. Obviously for Ian. Why are you showing me my name? Oh, because that makes sure that I'm not thinking of Ian. Okay, I got it. I got it. Look at the struggle right here. All right, Oz. Let's go here. What's your name? Jordan. Jordan.

So a magic trick is like I would do something right now, right? But there's no trick. One question. Okay. And if you're just listening to this, I just wrote a number. Did you all see it? I saw it. I didn't see it, but I'll go with you. I saw it. Purple velour, you're out. You're good at what you do. One to 100. Was there a reason you picked this number? Yeah. See, look at this. I bet, damn, do you think he did a birthday? This guy hasn't blinked in minutes. I think he might have gone higher. Oh, he's a nut. Sam, crossing this off.

This guy's coming in hot. I'm going to go. What's your name? McCoy. McCoy's watching like a hawk. Don't tell him the number yet. Grab the marker. I didn't even know there was a dog in here. I wrote 12. Jeez, she's right here. It's going to kill me. It wasn't 12, was it? Is this the camera we're filming at? It's that one? Because I want to make sure I show it to the camera. Was it 12? I'm going to be so mad at myself. Tell me. Tell Jordan. Tell Sam. Where are you guys supposed to be, by the way?

With the ambiguously gay duo from SNL? It's not that ambiguous. Okay, yeah. I'm kidding. What about Austin Powerbottom? 49. Tell them what I wrote, please. You saw. Tell them what I wrote. I crossed out 12.

I wrote down 49. Oh, man. What'd you say? 49. Whoa! Is it because of the 49ers? And I'm 49 years old. That means we're winning the Super Bowl this year. You are winning the Super Bowl. There you go. How'd you do that? I'm the NFL mentalist, bro. I've been on every team. How'd you do that? Have you guys not seen these clips? Guess her age, will ya? No age. She's 12. I don't get slapped. Ah.

- Yeah, come on. - Hold on, wait. - Definitely not gonna look like that at 49. - This opens me up to a great joke from Sam. I love the tweet where you go, the guy made fun of you and you go, is that fuck you with a duffle bag with your act in it? - Fuck that. - Yeah. - One in a hundred chance.

Where's that? Dude, how did you guess? I did a gig with a magician and he was kind of a dick and he goes, oh, are you going to, what did I say to him? You know it more than me. What is it? I'm a fan. Something where he goes, you have some good jokes in there and you go, do you have? Oh yeah, he goes, you're the one telling jokes. I said, I'm the one who didn't bring a duffel bag.

Which I did say to a magician, but you know. Hell yeah. How did you guess 49? That's weird. You know how? Marlis. Mark. I'm not going to tell. You don't know. Hold on to this. Hold on to this. I saw. Mark, here's what you do. Think of someone. Don't think of your wife. Too obvious. I never do. Yeah. Think of someone. If you're having a birthday party.

And somebody you'd invite. But you'd want them to be there. Okay. So maybe not...

I got it. No, I'm kidding. You got it? Someone I want to be there who I know. Somebody you know. Somebody you know. Great. You got someone? Got it. Somebody that, you know what, if they were having a birthday, they'd invite you, I hope. Oh, a different person then. Different vibe. Okay, okay. All right, all right. I got it. You know what? Jot this down. Go over there. Write this down. I don't want anyone to see. What is all this? She's watching behind. This guy, Coy, hasn't blinked in minutes. I don't trust him. Yeah, he's cool. This is impressive. Write down this person's name.

I love how these guys so chaos. You know what? No phone number. But wait. Do you know this person's birthday by any chance? That's a power move. Even if you know the month. Even if you know the month. Don't tell me. They create chaos so you're concentrating on the whirlwind and then they do their little thing. And the month and whatever day you think it is. I won't fact check. If it's wrong, don't worry. And uh...

I mean, this is a fucking group. This is going to be a big ep, I think. I'm excited. Oh, what are we doing here now? No, there's no trick. I just want to get rid of Mark, you know? He disappeared. He murdered Mark. Oh, no, no. You hired a murderist. You coming back, Mark? Sorry. All right. Now, I'm a stickler. Oh, hold on. Fold it. Fold it. Fold it in half. Come on back. Yeah, baby. I'm a stickler. Before you say anything...

You didn't write the last name, did you? No. So even if you show them, they might not know who this is. Come on back. I'm good. Dude, what the fuck is happening with you, man? This is crazy. The N-word? That works. You know what? I'm glad we didn't invite Godfrey because I was nervous about that one. Oh, God. Jordan, since you're on to me, grab that note.

Do you think she knows this person? Yes. Don't look. Don't look then. You definitely know him. Him. I'm saying him. Her. It's Esty. What's your name? Dan. Hold out your hand. Grab it. Take a little. Yeah, take it off. Make sure I'm not cheating. Let me grab this. If this person had a birthday party, would they invite you? Yeah, I think so. I think so too. You know what you just thought of it? Watch his face. October, November, December.

January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Look at that expression right there. Did you see that? Bam. You know what you do when you think of who you're going to invite to your birthday? You got to go tit for tat. They invite me. The person you just thought of. What month is he born in? Oh, good. April. April. That's what I thought. Wow. The mentalist. What the fuck is happening? I gave it away. I got no poker face. Why did you give it away? You know what? I think it's a friend of the podcast. I know who it is. It's Gary Veeder, isn't it?

Wow. How the hell did you do that? What? Open up the wall. I'm scared. I'm scared. Open up the wall. If it's a photo of Gary, I'm kidding. Don't take my credit card. What the hell is she doing? She's a woman. Twist this around. No, no, no. Inside. Zip. Okay. Open up. Oh, my Lord. If you've got a picture of Gary in there, I'm calling the police. I don't want a picture of Gary.

And there should be a card. And a zipper. And read the note on the back to Mark. What the fuck? Wish Gary happy birthday for me. Oh my God. Dude, what the fuck is this, man? All right, I don't know how he did that. What the fuck is happening? What kind of sorcery shit are you pulling, bro? You didn't write it down on anything? Do me. Am I or am I not a gay man? Oh, fuck.

We can all answer that one. We don't need a mentalist for that. Does it even count if you're on Molly? I don't think it does. Ian. Yes? Picture this. You got a cast and crew in this room. We got some bodega cat whiskey. By the way, everyone needs to go to that website. Hell yeah. This guy's killing it. This is a bargain.

Yes. You got that right, buddy. I wanted the 200,000 scotch, but I decided I'll splurge. Is that a baby? Forget about Mark. Forget about Simon, who's still hurting based on the 49ers. I think they're going all the way, by the way. Yeah. Everyone thinks that right now. I think so, too. All right. I am impenetrable. Go. Let's not go there. Okay.

Not as asshole. Unless you give me some kind of whiskey. Let's say you could sit down and visualize this. And everyone, I want them to know, before you came out of that elevator, did you know who I was, what that was going to happen, ever met me in your life, spoken a word? Not a clue. I thought you were a magician. Well, I brought a steel case in. Yes. If you could sit down and have dinner. I want you to picture this. Visualize this. Yes.

Ultimate celebrity dinner guest. You and this person hanging out dead or alive. Man, woman, anything. Hold on. Your dad is not a celebrity. All right, Jordan. Jesus Christ. I saw you go there. I'm a damn man. I know you did. Okay. All right, I'm going to read this guy. I said dead or alive.

Ian's got a smile from ear to ear. He's not going dead, guys. Sam Rill's got dead guy vibes written all over him. Yeah. I've seen Joy. Leonard Cohen as a child. I think it's a guy. I think he's alive. If it was a woman, he'd be more excited. And you know what's crazy about this? Is that I've met this person not once, but twice. You have the guy? Be honest. You did not tell anybody this? You haven't written down nothing? Hold on, hold on. Stay right there. And you made me look him up in the green room. Close your eyes. Look at this.

If you pick this guy, I'm going to fucking lose my shit. Okay, okay. He came up earlier, actually. I just put this up. I just met Ian. He just thought of somebody. I pulled this up because I had this. Can you see that, Peters? Does that come clear? Oh, no, it is. Be for real. Who are you sitting down? Ian, open your eyes. You're picturing it. What's his name? Who is he? Should I say it first? Open your eyes. Open your eyes. Say it. No! Are you kidding me? No!

How did you fucking get that? How did you get that, dude? How did you get that? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Ian just got hard. That's really fucked up. Oh, man. No, I see sores right now. Ian just starts beating the shit out of us with that cane. It's like fucking winters. Oh, man. He's got a knife. It's serrated. It won't go deep.

Wait, did you manipulate his past? Did you talk to him? Even Winnie's paying attention now. Look what you've done. I didn't touch him in any inappropriate ways. You gotta tell us how you did one of those. I'll tell you everything. We get really drunk and then tequila's my drink, but no, I'll drink right. Get him a drink. Whatever you want. Here's what you do.

We got to move the mic down just a little bit. Did you win ATG? Uh,

You should have. Third. Okay, well we got a bronze medal. Very high ranking for a Jew though. Very high ranking. How'd you do? Hey, you're a meddler. How's this Israel-Palestine thing going to turn out? Not good for that, man. Not good for either of them. Not good for anyone. It's a mess, yeah. Meddlers get serious. But on another note, things are looking bad. Yeah. You're going to read his mind. Okay. How about it? Okay, do this.

Shake hands. It's getting weird. I don't know. Freeze right there. Freeze right there. Just till it gets awkward. Jordan, look this way. You're my witnesses. You are not going to guess what's in his head because I don't want to know. You're not going to guess a name, a number, a celebrity. I've done it all. The Lolita Express. That was insane. It's going to be... Watch this. If I reach over and I brush this...

across Sam's healthy head of hair. Oh, yeah. You're going to feel something right there in your hair. If I poke his knee, you'll swear to God I poked your knee. Whatever he feels, you feel. Oh, finally he'll come. Work him off to completion for the love of God. She needs it. Somebody blow this man for me. I call sex draw. Okay. You ready? Sex draw? No. Look this way. Jordan...

She's a lot too much sex talk. Can everybody see Jordan? Unfortunately. Jordan, don't peek. Did you just feel a poke on your right forearm? Yes. Did everyone see me do that? Yes. Tell them, Simon. Ian still shook from Bill Murray. You poked mine, right? Did everyone see me do that? Yes. Show us on Jordan where they touched you. Jordan, you're peeking? No. All right, I need to ask you a question. Her eyes are closed. I want you to tell everybody right now what happened, what I do to you. You poked my right forearm. No, after that.

You brushed the top of my nose. Oh my God! You don't want to see me messing with you right now. Was that winged? No, you brushed my nose. Hold on, hold on. Watch again. Hold on, do you feel that? You brushed my nose. Do circles. Do circles. How the clock works. Sorry. Eyes, eyes, eyes. Jordan, tilt your head up. Look at her eyes. She is not peeking. I want to know when. Do you have read receipts on your texts? No, I never touch them. Simon is sweating. I know.

Superman's about to rip that off Jordan. No peeking. Okay. How about us? Right now. Suck me out real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the name of magic. Did you feel anything yet? No. How about right now? Anything? No. My theory is at the moment I do something to Sam, it goes through his hand. I don't know why he's wearing those gloves. It goes all the way over to her. Do me a favor, Jordan. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. What did you just feel? Something right here. Oh, my God. What the hell's going on?

- What the fuck is happening? - He brushed his nose and his chin. - This is voodoo! - No, no, no, no, no, no! Anyone could do that. - Do it.

Alright, now we gotta do Rex. Rex is having a mental breakdown over here. Close your eyes. Alright, ready? Here. Okay. So, uh, yes. Jordan and Sam, hold hands. Okay. Sam, shut your eyes. Shut your eyes, Sam. Okay, so Simon's still upset. Okay, and, uh, whoa, Jewbeard over here, he's crazy. Okay, Ian's still thinking about Bill Murray. Mark's gay. Okay, now, Jordan, uh, here, here. I was on AGT. Here. Now...

- Sam, I did not touch you. Your eyes are closed. What did you just feel on your face? - Something in my ear. - Yes! It was kind of close to the ear! - Oh my god! - You should've just slapped me. - That's insane! - That was kind of close to the ear. - No, because what I was feeling wasn't a tingle. It was a direct paper on my face. - I guessed. I did guess. - Damn it. - He guessed. You don't have the powers. - You're fucking good. - The way it's done, when he reached over me, is it possible that this sleeve touched me? 'Cause maybe he has a-- - No, no, no. - He was far away

away from my face? He was on it. He was on it. You could manipulate Get your phone. You could I don't know. You could manipulate a witness who was like where on the doll was I touched? Is it this guy? Is it this guy? Here's my phone. I just pointed the doll. Bro, I'm so impressed. This is incredible. Go to your contacts. It wasn't a tingle. It was a pointy thing. Did your glove work or no? A thousand percent. Wow. I thought he took the paper and went over my face. Wow.

Context? We need to discuss at some point the guy, I don't want to say the name, who hired you, who's got like kind of a fetish for comedians and magicians and brought you over to New Jersey in the middle of the night because I've done that gig multiple times. Awful gig. Orthodox Jews. Amazing. I don't know what that is. Anyway, it was on his road again. Oh. Okay, shoot. Look through your people. Look through context. This is incredible. Context. What do you got? Cosby. Was his body close to mine? Was he leaning over me? Yeah. Does he have a tail? No.

Heavy petting. There is a tail. It's a nub. It's a tall tail. Do you ever tell anyone how you do these things? My wife knows a lot. I'll marry you right now. So what do we got? I don't know. I don't want you looking through and being like, this guy's an asshole. Just pick a random. No, no, no. Do this. Tip down. Turn it downwards. This guy's flexing with the Amex Platinum right there. Get in the sky, Klaus. Start scrolling.

Okay. No, no, no. Other... Here, do this. Hold it for a mark. Look underneath. Damn, this thing's heavy. Is it scrolling?

- Yes. - Don't linger in butt dial. Can you guys see this, Simon? Make sure. - Barely. - Make sure this thing is scrolling. Here's what you do. You scroll. - No, it went away. Block. - No, what? - There's nothing. - Oh, start scrolling. No, no, he's got like a cover screen. Look at it. Whenever you're done, say, "I'm done." - Easy there, G-Spot. - Bring it close to your body, G. Right there. No, close to you. Right there. Let me ask you a question. We give him a book right now. He opens it. Where do your eyes go when you open a book? Middle of the page, top, or bottom?

I would probably go to the top. I don't. I was looking at it. What do you do? I go middle. On a book? He's not a top. You're both. I top from the bottom, baby. Come on. That's another thing you could have called him. Name at the top. Do this. Talk for 30 seconds. See if it timed out. Look at the list. See the name at the top. Where were you landed?

I talked to him. Look at the name at the top. That's what you want. Do you know this person? I don't. Better. Even better. Lock your phone. You got people now you don't know? He's a popular guy. Okay. 100%. Didn't shift posture. Nothing. It's a guy. Am I right? It's a guy? It is. Yeah, it's a guy for sure. Ooh.

Think of his first name. It's not an email address, is it? No. Okay, it's an email. It's a pain in the ass. It's a hotmail. I'm going to judge this person. Think of how many letters are in the first name. See how he nodded? Did you see that, Simon? I saw it. It's too fast. He's a hotmail. It's too fast. If the name was Ian, you don't count. You know. It's three or four letters. Come on. Next time it's Mitchell, Alexander. You've got to count. It's four letters, isn't it? It is. Yeah. Oh, my Lord. I think Carter gets shit wrong. Gary Veeder again. Hold on.

You freaked out when he did that. That was super funny. Why did you do that? But he said he doesn't know him. It's not Gary. It's not. No, but when you did that, you looked over at him. Hold up. Be for real. Sam, you took your phone out. You scrolled anywhere. I said pick any name. You said I want top name, bottom, middle, anywhere in there. You could have picked anybody. You didn't write anything. You didn't whisper anything. Okay. What is this guy's first name? Greg. Greg.

Fuck my ass! One or a bunch? I mean, my brother's Greg, but other than that... It's not your brother, right? Greg Stone? Hold on. Gutfeld! Gutfeld! I know Gutfeld. Greg, think of the last name. Think of the last name. Sounds like he's a member of the tribe, but it's questionable. Jewish? I can't tell by the name. Nobody's perfect. Jordan is so wet right now. I'm freaking out! Like five years ago, it's going to click later, and you're like, how the hell do I know him?

Who'd you pick? Your whole phone. What's his name? Greg Hodes. No!

You're freaking me out, man. You're freaking me out. This isn't fun anymore. I've worked really hard to get away from bad energy for a while. This is scaring me. You'd think you'd have a better suit. I mean, after all that. Come on, man. Jesus. This is insanity. This is crazy. Can you tell us how one of those works? No. I don't want to know. What are you kidding? Is Simon disrobing as the show continues? I've seen a whole lot of collarbone all the time. One that I can't.

I can understand a few of them, but yours I can't get. Yeah. Because you didn't write it down, did you? No, he made me look at it, a picture of him earlier in that room. Did you hack into the Wi-Fi or something? Is there a Wi-Fi? I'm not even on Wi-Fi. Nah. I don't know. What does Wi-Fi even mean? Does anyone know? Wireless fidelity. What does that mean? When he showed you a picture? No, I like it. That's good stuff. He made you?

What do you mean? Did something happen back there? In the waiting room, he goes, Google yourself. Now, Google. He was already Googling himself for the record. Google yourself. Now, Google one person dead or alive you want to have dinner with. And I did. And he goes, okay, just keep that. Save that. I'm like, all right. Yeah, I need the photo. So how? Man, this is impressive. I don't want to know. I like it being a mystery. I disagree. This is me right now.

This is incredible. Very well done, sir. Impressive, scary, weird. This is so cool. What a gig. Guys and girls. Can we have one more?

Is this something that you're born with or is it a learned behavior? I bought a book on Amazon Prime like six weeks ago. No, but truly, is this something as a child you're like, I'm going to tap into some dark magic? No, I did magic. I mean, this is like 13. I need to find a way to attract members of the opposite sex. And I'm like, card tricks are working really well right now. Yeah, women like money. You ever work at the Magic Castle? No. It's not, that's that child play? I like your pitching him ideas. Yeah, come on.

with me, kid. I got to cruise. I'm too much of a capitalist. That requires a big pay cut. So you're freelance? Yeah. Good. Good for you. What do you do? Corporate gigs. Corporate and TV. Oh, you must clean up. And podcasts. A lot of podcasts. When do we get on Rogan? I have not gotten on Rogan. Oh, we'll get you on there. You should be able to know this. I know. Can you do Rogan stuff? Good point. I did Shane. Shane Gillis' podcast. They were shook up in Queens, man. Can you just hide something behind your back? Where'd he go, dog? That's fucking gay. Yeah.

Card tricks are gay. You're shaking dude's hand. As soon as I touched a chin, it was a card trick. Can you do one more? Yeah, let's do it. Don't stop. Keep going. Let's fucking do it. Close your eyes. He puts his balls in your chin. Okay.

Think of a letter. It's a T and it's a bag. Do Rex. Yeah, do Rex. Rex. Yeah, let's do another one. Let's do another one. So listen, he thought, this is funny because every time I do this, I write down a name, collect names, and I write down names of famous people that people are either fascinated by or want to meet. Yes. Okay? Mostly alive, you know, because I don't know, primarily, here's what I want you to see. 50 cards. Mm-hmm.

Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Cruise, Beyonce, Justin Bieber, Brad Pitt. Is everyone here familiar to you? Sure. Science, obviously. Ryan Gosling, you just got aroused. Sure. Jimmy Fallon, Oprah. Anyway, you're going to pick somebody.

But I can't have you just look through and say, that's my favorite. Because now what if I looked you up? What if I follow you on Instagram? It's too obvious. I want it to be spontaneous. Okay. Kind of random. Here we go. You can see them all. And these are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reach in. Randomly grab one? Random, grab one, random. Random, random, random. Get one, get one, get one. Boom. Hold on, hold on. One more, one more. Ian, you wanted the last one, so go. Hit it. Grab one.

Go. Are we supposed to see these? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Cover my eyes so I don't see a thing. Cover my eyes. Oh, my God! Don't say it. Show everybody. Show the cameras. Make sure I can't see. Is it your dad's name? Both of us show? Both of us show? Yeah, whatever. Show everybody whatever. I'm not going to show you.

I have been saying this guy's name so much. I was going to get this tattooed the other day. Remember in Vegas? Look at these cards. Don't tell me they're all the same. Men, women, athletes, actors. Black, white, gay. Everything. I don't know the gay part. Jordan, can I open my eyes? Good temperature, well moisturized. I'm not putting Sam's hand on my face. Put it back. Get sneaky in there, Ian. Both, both, both. Boy, you're going to shuffle. She said, okay.

You do it. Easy. Shuffle. Like, do like a shuffle or whatever. Are we getting all this? Yeah. All right. Where'd the Orban go? Who knows? Let me grab the cards. You should know where that is. Get rid of it. All right. If your person walked in the room right now, would you recognize them instantly? Yeah. Huh. Like, there's a celebrity. I'd recognize them. Watch, watch. Look at the hand posturing. Like this. He likes the person. He's trying to pretend not to. Yeah. There's a little... It's mixed body language. He is mixed race. Definitely a guy...

well manicured Ryan Gosling oh my god Ian you said you wanted a tattoo so how about this gang you want to end on a high note what's it what's this blank card yeah not that exciting I give this to you goes in your junk drawer you forget about me no no no no no no you're gonna run this for a while I'm gonna ask you to do our podcast hold on let's go finish the things before you start booking scissors here we go I'm starting with hair

Oh, God. Oh, God. If you do what this guy looks like, this is going to be crazy. This is, this, I'm going to shit. Oh,

Oh, baby. Instead of studying at the University of Michigan. Oh, my God. This is appalling. You're in person. It's not smiling. First time the whole thing, Ian's not smiling. You're a person serious. And you know what else? Earlier, you thought of Bill Murray, didn't you? Out of anyone, you thought of Bill Murray, alive and well. But right now, you're getting somber on me, my man. I think this is a guy. Am I right? Could have been a man or a woman. A guy. Tell us all who is it that you're picturing at this very moment. You said you wanted a tattoo. I'll do you one better. What's his name? Say it. Elvis Presley. King! Everybody say hello.

to Mr. Elvis. Oh, this is a little sad. How is this possible? Holy shit. How is this possible? Wow. I've been talking about Elvis Presley so much lately. The king. Dude, king. Simon looks just devastated. It's just, you know what it is? It's just weird and it's not fun anymore.

Can I have this? I'm giving you this. Hold on. I'm giving you a little something to take it home with. This is fucking... You must be good at bed. No, you don't, Jordan. Spit it out. Spit it out. Jordan knows how you're doing it. Jordan thinks she knows how you did it, you freak. She knows it. He went like this with the cards, and they all had a difference of names. Oh, okay. And then this stack right here had the same names, and he gave you one and you one, right? So explain this, idiot. How'd he do that? Because he knew you were going to pull Elvis Presley.

That's still impressive. Yes, really. Wow. That's fucking crazy. I mean... That's a good Elvis clip, too. Dude, that is wild. Holy shit. I have a print of Elvis framed above my television. Wow. This is crazy. In a gold frame. I mean, so does every 18-year-old model.

- South Mall goth, everybody has it. - What are you talking about? Nobody has that. - That's not that crazy. - This guy is special. - He's a mentalist. - And he said it was a guy. He doesn't see gender. So that's really impressive. - Are you sober? - No, no, I've kept to work. - So you could be intoxicated and do magic? - Very much so. - Great story. - Is it better magic drunk? Drunk magic? - For me or for the audience? - For you to be drunk, can you? - It's not as good, but I'll tell you one of the best stories ever is I used to carry on tricks specifically for people that were either super high or tripping.

Uh-huh. And I was in Amsterdam pre, I was in Amsterdam pre everything being legal. It's like 20 years ago. Uh-huh. And a Bulldog Cafe, all these Americans were on shrooms. Dude. Best moment ever. There's a trick I do. It's more of a card trick than it is like a mentalist trick where you hand somebody a card. They pick any card off a deck. They hold it in their hand. I say, whatever you do, don't blink. And I snap. And the card goes from being regular size to mini. Hmm.

And this was like maybe the seventh trick I did for them, so they were already pretty shook. The dude on mushrooms literally looked at the car, looked at me, left the cafe. They couldn't find him for three hours. Whoa. I had to go on. It actually became kind of sad, but it was still a great reaction. That's what my dick does around here. There's your mini. Don't worry. We find him. By the way, Mark touched my dick earlier in this episode. That was very funny. Did Jordan feel it? Did Jordan feel it? I know. Her clip went like this. Yeah. Her cock flopped a bit. Yeah.

this was a this is a banger shut up how do you follow that is that where do we go from that like where do we go from that like where do we go i don't know where to leave you at this point i gotta like disappear and go to a gig you gotta make it come or something so okay so you tour the world yeah

primarily corporate events can you talk to the dead I can't they don't talk back this is cool man it's fun stuff fun stuff thank you you seem upset I am I'm just perplexed I just it doesn't make sense you came in a great mood I know now I'm just can I please sign it Jordan can I have your babe yeah man who's gonna win the election

Which one? Coming up, the 2024. Trump? Okay. Yeah, what are you going to do? There you go. That should honestly be his motto. What are you going to do? It's me. What are you going to do? I'm going to win. Great material for Shane Gillis, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's time. Will the Phillies win the World Series? I'm not a beast. I love Bryce Harper. Yes. I mean...

I'm out because I'm a Yankees fan, but man, they're a fun team. They're really good. The Phillies. I was watching, I just saw a clip of DeSantis on Bill Maher, and he goes, how's the campaign going? And he's like, it's going well. And he goes, let's be honest, if it was going well, you wouldn't be here. That's a pretty funny moment. Great line. Great line. Wow. Yeah. Damn. DeSantis is so unnatural. He's not great live. He's not natural. You got to get his album. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You say you do sports teams. What's the coolest sports team you've done? Do you watch Hard Knocks? Sure, yeah. Episode two, I did something with Aaron Rodgers. Did you see that thing? No. Are you the one that told him not to get the vaccine? Yeah. That was me. That was absolutely me. You've got to watch it. I don't want to spoil it. Should I tell you what happened? Yeah. Pull it up. He takes a deck of cards. I tell him, look at any card. Think of it. I'm not doing it for you right here, so you're going to be like, do that to me right now. And he looks at any card and I say, close the cards. Hold them in your hands tight.

And then I. He just holds up. Is that an Achilles? Yeah. It was a snapped Achilles. It was a photo. No, too soon. So literally, I got about 100 text messages and tweets after me like, did you fucking do this to him? Yeah. And so I told the guy next to him, here's a list of 50 animals that are never teams like giraffes, zebras, goldfish, like teams that know NFL. Pick one. Just open the list. Pick one. I go, what'd you pick? He goes, a goldfish. Ah.

And then I go, open your hands. When Aaron opens his hand, there's the deck turned into an aquarium, like a little deck with a goldfish swimming around. Wow. I can't wait to see that. I'm so excited to see it. And then next week, I'm on for the Michigan game, Michigan-Michigan State College Game Day with college football fans. Sure. Angles is coming up.

Packers. I do watch stuff on the NFL. Wow. Why did you pull stuff off Ian's phone earlier? Because I would like to do that with people I date. She's like, this guy is just a friend of mine slash mentalist, but I'm going to need you here on second date. First date, still okay. Second date, skeleton's in the closet. If I promised you

That I would not tell anyone. Oh, it's going to torture him. Will you tell me how you did that thing? With the phone. He can't do it. With the guy. It's his job. This is like my Larry David moment where Larry David has the Curb Your Enthusiasm where he's like, the kid's like, how'd you learn this trick? Oh, yeah. That's a great scene. A magician told me. He's like, I'm a magician. He's like, no, you're not. So what the fuck am I wearing? You're not. Have you ever met Larry David? He was dressed as Superman, that kid. I haven't. Just as good in person. Just as good in person. Yeah. I met him once. I was terrified. Is he tall? He's pretty tall. He's 5'11". Oh. That's tall. I looked it up.

You've met Larry David. I told it on the pod last time. He was complaining over $1 about a golf ball game.

situation. Simon's buzz, dude. I'm actually a little buzzed, but more just in fear and shock. Are you trying to figure out how he did the trick? Yeah, it's more just like... Do you have a book anywhere in this room? A book? We don't like to read. I don't think so. Yeah, we don't read. We're in shock there's a book somewhere. You look like Superman after a bender. Let's see if he's got them.

After going to Mexico for a week. He just saw through the wall Lois Lane fucking someone else. He's like, I'm done. He's fucking Lex Luthor. I didn't have the superpower. You look like Superman in Hollywood land. Have you ever gotten fought because of this? Fought? Yeah, has anybody been like, I'll fight you. Not really fought, but I've had some weird moments because I used to work at a lot of mob restaurants back in the day. And so they'd come out of jail and they'd have these like parties where it's like a mob

party where no one was invited. Get your fucking shine box. Yeah, it's very shine box ass. You have this look where somebody gives you a look and then you realize you're just kidding but it got real serious for a second. We got Mein Kampf and Offerman. You know what I think of is the scene where Pauly Walnuts goes to the guy you can see. The psychic? There's all kinds of bodies and he's like, where the

fuck did you figure that out he started throwing the chairs god bless polly walnuts man nick offerman has he been on here yeah he was on the most recent episode let's do it so here do this you didn't know that should have known

Nick Offerman fucking rules. We love him. And he gave a bodega cat a nice plug too. Let's do this. Is this good? Stop. Somebody stuck this note in here so I don't even know. Uh oh. What? Who wants it? Who wants it? Should we get Jordan in? Yeah. Yeah, Jordan. Santa Claus to be real. She's like, I'm going to figure this out, damn it. Yes. There is a way. I'm not Harry Potter.

She's unantipresence. Simon. Yeah. Let's each of you get a book. Which one do you want? Of these two books? Well, they're not mine. Did I give you these? Of the two options? Because she's going to dissect this. Take a book. These are my books. I will be giving you. Okay. Boom. Okay. Here's the game plan. Here's the game plan. Okay. We're going to do this in two ways. Are there photos in the middle? Yes. All right. You know what? He's going to pick for you. Here's what I want you to do. Yell out, stop. Stop. Look at that page. Tell her what number it is. Tell her right now? Out loud. 300. 300.

wow 300 301. 301 not enough pages not enough pages damn it be a little more premature 182. okay why i i'm a mother but go to that hold it close to your face that's my seven sorry

182. We got it. Biden's age. Here we go. And I want you to look at the first word on the page. Whoa, we're not at a steam here. Statistically, the first word might be the, and, if, he, the. Like three-letter words, two-letter words, boring. Is it more than three letters? Yes. Okay. Same deal. You pick any page. I don't want a number, nothing. I'm going to stare...

Sam in the face. No, George, stare at me. As I kind of riffle, stop. Wait, I'll go slow. Make sure I'm not looking at him. No, stop being you. Okay, stop. Do you want me to stop? No, go again. Is that in the cellar? Good photo. Yes. Stop. Do me a favor. Look at the first word on the page up here. Yep. Do you see it? Yeah, I do. Is it more than two or three letters? Yes, it is. Close the book. Close it. Close it.

All right. I just picture this every night at your house with your wife. She's like, shut up and just eat my pussy, all right? I'm up for the games. It's false on so many fronts. How many fingers are in you right now? Shut up, shut up. Just put them in. Hold up your pussy. All right.

Oh, boy. It's a Mexican standoff. I almost want to get this wrong on purpose because it'll cheer Simon up. No, no. Keep fucking with him. Ready for this? Yeah. Pick any letter. Mix up the letters in your word. Mix them up and just grab one somewhere in the middle. Just grab that letter out. You got it? Yeah. Look at me. H. You just think of an H? Oh, shit. You changed that. Yo, you so well. Hard R.

Think of your word. It was a weird one, wasn't it? He liked it. You know why? When I said stop on this page, he goes, yeah, good. Like he was happy because if it was an easy word, he would have won a different page. You stopped anywhere, anywhere. Think of the first letter. Think of the last letter. What did you just do? It's either J or G. Is it ending in a G? Interesting. It's a J. Yeah. J with a G. J with a G.

Be honest, Jordan. No tricks on this one because she wants to figure it out. What happened to Jay? He picked any book. He picked a page. Wait, you change your mind in the middle. What word did you pick? Weather. Weather. Oh, he controls it. No, sir. And you know what I feel like doing? I feel like we need to just make it rain. Make it rain. And you know what they call it? Legal tender. Tendering. Is it tendering? Tendering? What kind of word is tendering? What the hell, man? Yeah.

What kind of word is tendering? What the fuck is happening? Wow, he grew up in the tenderloin. Love me tender. That's an Elvis. This is how conspiracies are born. You're not helping the Jews with the control of the weather thing, by the way. Oh, my God. What the fuck? He's got statues in the fall.

I thought he was writing down his word. This episode is off the rails. You got that right. It's too much. How did he do that? How did you not open with that one? Did you memorize

Every day. Wow. God damn it. All right. Even when he's enjoying this man, Dr. Oz, everybody. Holy shit. You got my vote. Yeah. You know, you're getting, Holy. Thank you, sir. That was amazing. Thank you so much. Really killed it. Incredible. I mean, unbelievable. What are we doing here? I think we're hugging it out, Simon. There you go. Take his wallet. Take his wallet.

You want any candy? Candy for the road? Yeah, hell yeah. Let's do this. Pretty impressive. I don't know what's going on here. Simon, you're looking like a chick that just gave up right now. Yeah, you got your high heels in your hands. It's Lex Luthor right now. Yeah, that's true. I don't know if you know, this is packed with kryptonites. Oh my gosh. Wow, the mentalist is so hot.

Sexual predator. Is it possible for a non-Jew to be a mentalist? There's not too many. There's something inside of the water in Israel. I don't know what it is. Lies. Magicians. Like David Blaine, David Caulfield, Houdini, Dr. Sangel. He's the worst. He's a Jew that's bringing on unnecessary suffering. We've got enough going on. Yeah.

There's no need to put yourself in a box. Right. David Plain. That wasn't bad. I like it. We're back. We're back. Fuck you, David. Get the fuck out of here. Oz the Mentalist, everybody. Ozzy. Incredible. Ozzy Osbourne. How about David Copperfield? All right. There you go. Thank you. All right, everybody.

Everybody check your pockets. Yeah, I know, right? Oh, my God. Holy hell. That was something else. How the fuck did he do this? That guy's way more famous. I'd never heard of him. He's doing very well. She's examining everything in her. What a get. Hands off to Matt Pierce. He flapped you the book. Yep. And then you said stop. Yep. And he somehow managed to switch it to what he wanted. Yep.

And then that, he knew the page number on mine. I got it all figured out. Either way, he was good at it. Really good. Either way, woman ruining magic for all the fellas right now. Come on. Magic, magic, magic, magic. Just another woman not letting the fellas have fun. Yeah, come on, Jordan. You're literally having a nervous breakdown. You're literally about to throw yourself off a balcony. You're like, how did you know people like Elvis? How did you know? I don't know.

I listened to him one time. I feel like Ian is like the perfect prey for a magician. I mean, that was totally could have been like violent. You've been like, my grandmother's dead mother's cousin was violent. How did you find that guy, Peters? No, I booked him. Oh, that was you? Good job. Good job. You think I don't have this podcast's best interest at heart? We had DeRosa eight times. We could have had him. DeRosa's dead weight.

That was awesome. DeRosa's the mentalist? I'm fucking sad. I don't know. What's the point? So this is my first time trying Bodega Cat. I remember you guys came up with the name. You guys were exploring names. And it became Bodega Cat. Yeah, we had Fat Cat, but that was tasty. Yeah, yeah, Bodega Cat. I'm going to try it for the first time. Ooh, baby. 12 years sober down the drain. Smooth, tasty. Yes!

It's got a hickory undertone. It's got a nice auburn cherry bite. It's good. Flip it from Tyrannosaurus Rex, baby. Jordan, if we had a whiskey, it'd be called Rat Juice. Ooh, that's tempting. Rat Juice. Rat Juice. Why Bat Cap? Why Bat Cap?

Bodega cat. Bodega. Why do you want fat cat? Originally it was fat cat because I think it sounded like high society and silly and New York fat cats. We were thinking of things that are like what makes you happy when you see it and no one's not happy to see a fat cat. That's true. You went from opposite direction. You went from fat cat to broke ass. Well, tell me who doesn't love a bodega.

Bodega Cat. Everyone loves Bodega. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I love cats. No, they pop in from behind like a cereal box and you start petting one. You're like, this is fucking, this is the best. It's New York, baby. So yeah, Bodega Cat became the thing. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, folks. Yeah, baby.

and we should wrap this up quick plug MSG Theater November 4th please come to that shit New York City baby is this plug time? plug time plug some shit guys and then I got I got The Sweet East is in limited theaters December 1st really fun movie they did and guys I was off

I was offered a tequila sponsorship, didn't do it. I was offered a vape sponsorship, didn't do it. I chose to be better than you guys and go healthy with this. So I started a men's skincare line called Mocs, okay? And it's basically just the same kind of shit that you use of your girlfriend or your wife's stuff all the time. It's face wash and a serum and it keeps your face looking younger and healthier and it makes women more attracted to you or if you're gay, other men attracted to you. So it's blackface. Yeah, exactly. So I'm going to leave you guys all with a box.

of my new company, Mox Skincare. I'm trying to do something positive with my life. Well, you look incredible for 61. Thank you. Thank you very much. So anyway, yeah, this is my new company that I am actually co-founder of, so it's not just like, oh, I'm working with, I'm actually part owner. No, dude, you do look incredible. There it is, yeah. Always. Mox. Yeah, baby. No wife, no kids is really the secret, but anyway. What does Mox mean? It's like Moxie. Oh, Moxie. Yeah, you know, it's Moxie. I got it. And it's good stuff, so I got all you guys a boxy of Moxie. Oh.

You can use it too. It's bisexual. It's true. Hey, so is she. All right. We love you, Simon. I love you guys. Thanks for having me on. This was a real whirlwind. Oh, yeah. Is it whirlwind?

Whirlwind. Whirlwind. Whirlwind. Whirlwind. What do you got? W-H-I-R-L. So you're whirling in the wind? Yes. Check out Be An Ian with Jordan and Amanda. Be An Ian with Jordan, our podcast. I can't wait to come on this one. Yes. It's so fun. It's crazy. New episodes every Wednesday. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod. November 3rd, Amityville Music Hall. Come and see me live.

Island. And guess what? I'm recording my first special December 3rd. Yeah, baby. Cutting room, two shows, IanFidance.com for tickets and all my dates. Thank you. Jordan filmed hers there and it's fucking incredible. Check her special out. It's great. Everyone watch Jordan's special on YouTube right now. Jordan's hilarious. Thanks. I love the fact that Louis put these out and his are the lowest numbers. Yeah. That's fun. It's hilarious. Yeah. Jordan's special is so good. Check her out. Check it out. Should I plug dates? Yeah.

Plug days. Yeah, plug anything. I'm coming to LA in October. I'm coming to Cincinnati, to Utah, to Burlington. I don't know when this comes out. Rochester, Syracuse, Albany. I really wish I could fart right now on the mic so hard. Rochester, Syracuse, Albany is the triangle of sad right there. It's only one-nighters in each. Well, go supporter. Jordan's hilarious. So is Ian. Thank you so much.

I'll come in Australia next month in November. I'll be in Australia all month. Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, and then I'll be back at the end of the month. Tampa, Vegas at the win, motherfuckers. Let's go. Hey.

And then Fort Myers, all that shit, Buffalo. I'm back in clubs for a minute. The special's going to be in March at the Wilbur in Boston, but I'm coming a bunch of places before there, so come see me on the road. I hope you come out. Philly, Springfield, Missouri, all that bullshit. Do you check off in every hotel room you think? Oh,

100%. Right? It's part of the deal. It's something coming over you. Yes. Okay. Just make sure on all those cities you'll come. Also, when you're in a relationship, you're like, let me just get the poison out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, here, here. I remember I told a young comic. He was drinking Sam's poison. I remember a young comic was like, how do you not cheat on the road? And I was like, well, I just jack off before the show. And he was like, yo, that's fucking genius. I was like, I don't have a genius. I think it's just a thing you do. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. All right. MarkNormanComedy.com. I'll jack off in your hotel. And The Beacon in January. Come on out. All right. Yeah. Sell two shows and get some Bodega Cat. Beer, too. Anything? Yeah, baby. Bodega Cat. This is good stuff. I'm not just saying that because I'm here. It's good stuff, guys. Thank you. I enjoy it.

Hell yeah. Look at that. All right. What's the Japanese word for after you come to be clear? There's a word. I did, and I didn't. Oh, you've got to do it on the mic. It's going to be so stinky, son of a bitch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It went through the velvet. Will you wash your ass? I didn't do it.

I didn't fart. The medalist made me do it. That'll stick in your nose for a while. You're fucked. But it came out. All right. I shot out a little Milky Way there. Mark's going to give me pink eye one of these weeks. Well, thanks for listening. Happy Halloween. We truly do love you guys for staying with us every week. Peace filter. What a special... And...

And if you haven't seen also another shout out, watch Simon and Red Rocket. Red Rocket. Which is incredible. He's incredible on it. Thanks, man. And check out all his stuff coming out. And he can't plug everything because of the strike. Yeah, the strike. Oh, that's right. Good stuff happening. Good stuff happening. And subscribe to our YouTube and leave us a nice review, everyone. Hell yeah. And we appreciate you guys. Have a happy Halloween. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo