Ep 148: Nick Offerman & Bodega Cat
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He pulled an OJ? He wrote a book? Damn. But OJ got away with it and then wrote the book. That's true. It's funny you see OJ. He went through the trial and wrote the book. Right. This guy didn't go through a trial, did he? No, he was squeaky. He was off. He was good to go. Yeah, I saw Suge Knight was like, I'm not going to testify. And we're like, yeah, well, your word's worth a lot at this point. You see when OJ puts on Instagram, every comment is just knife, knife, knife, knife, knife, knife, knife.

He's on camera on show as like a sports correspondent. Really? It's kind of hilarious. Wow.

It's hilarious to have just a show where you have a sports show where you're like, yeah, we'll just make OJ the sports correspondent. Yeah. That is amazing. Damn, that's crazy. Cameron's legitimately funny. That's what I keep hearing. Is he on Barstool? No, he's got his own sports show. But, dude, there's a clip of him on a news show. We've got to pull it up. He literally, dude, he gets shot. And he's like, yeah, people came for me, but they didn't get me. He was talking tough after. He was out of the hospital like a day. And he's talking shit. Yeah.

Wow. It's pretty cool. If I got shot, I would be my whole personality. I'd be like, oh, shit, I don't want to go outside again. I got shot. This is my whole thing. I wouldn't be bragging about it. I'd be like, please don't do that again. Yes. That hurts. I love you. Whatever you want. I'll give you money. But the Tupac thing is crazy because I heard he got caught from tick tocking. He was making tick tock videos. Yeah. He was bragging about it on tick tock.

Which, too bad JFK never had a TikTok guy. That would be great if that existed back then. That would have been a shorter Oliver Stone film. True. What do we got? Is this it? I don't know. You paused on a... One last question. No, this isn't it. What exactly did the... Did you hear what the guy said? Like they said, it's not it, but you're going to let it roll out. Great Google guy we got. Google bitch. You're not touching that coffee? Take it. I'm taking it. Uh...

So you were in Europe for a month. Yeah. I missed you, man. I've been talking a big game. Hey, I'm a tough guy. I'm cool. And I was like, I don't get jet lagged. It hits you two days later. Oh, man. What do you mean? What are you, Superman? You get jet lagged. I never got it, really. I got to Europe. I adjusted quick. I land back here.

I'm wrecked. My head feels like it's this big. I'm cloudy. I'm gay. I'm all over the place. But Europe was a blast. I'm cultured now. Can you explain the pictures of all you guys dressed like you're in a gay bathhouse in the 70s with David Bowie? Yeah, well, we went to the Kit Kat Club. Pull that up. I'm sure there's not a lot of photos of it because they don't allow phones. No, Berlin. Berlin.

everyone said, uh, if you're going to Berlin, you got to go to a sex club. And I said, you damn right. Who are you talking to? Um, you know, I get that too. And like Montreal, you got to go to a strip club. I think I hang out with fucking scumbags. Well, I was with just lane, but, um, so yeah. So I was like, all right, we got to do it. But if you go, you got to dress up. You can't just show up in a fucking cardigan and an Argyle sweater. So, uh,

the lady was all over it the wife was like we're going to this store like the sex club store we're going to get the boots we're getting the shorts we're getting the garter belts we're getting the neck collar that's a manscaped uh boxer brief by the way i had no shorts and we spent a fortune on this shit uh but you've already lost it what are you doing okay so we got uh

Yeah, were those uncomfortable? This does not look comfortable. You got to get used to it. I mean, I'm wearing fishnets, too, if you notice they're pink.

And I had a decent bulge. I took a blue chew. And yeah, I got eyeliner going. It was fun. You guys look like a sexy band in the 80s or something. Yeah, yeah. Duran Duran or something. So we show up. The thing opens at 10. We got there at like 9.15. We should get some food first. I didn't know you're supposed to wear like a trench coat. You get in and then there's lockers.

So everyone gets all... Yeah, why would you know that? That's insane. Yeah, so we're walking around the street like this an hour before eating shawarma. So I'm at a shawarma place like, I'll have the lamb, please. And the guy's like, what the fuck? And I'm just eating it. I think they just thought we were weird Americans. So we get in there and it is insane. There's a room. There's so many different rooms. There's a techno room, a tango room. There's a full swimming pool. Tango.

That feels like too classy a dance for this outfit. Well, people start tangoing to get some cooking, and then they start fucking. Is there sex in there? Full-on sex, blowjobs everywhere. There's a bunch of bars in there. There's a bunch of couches, and nothing is sanitized. Everything would get Me Too'd in like eight minutes here. No, because you're volunteering it. I guess so. The Me Too is the work environment thing, not the...

This isn't where Weinstein was doing his deeds. I don't know. It felt like it. There was a casting couch. It was wild. But there's an old guy jerking off. What? How old? I'm talking 80. Like a Biden. Just walking around. Woo, baby. Maybe it was him. There was a naked guy in a wheelchair. He was handicapped. Just going around full dong out.

It was crazy. In a wheelchair? In a wheelchair. It's a beautiful story. They were dwarves with collars and a leash. Are people wearing masks? Are they protecting their identity? No, no, no. All out there. That's where I got COVID. No mask. You got COVID then? No, I'm just kidding. But yeah, it was insane. And then eventually...

After being there, because it just flies by because there's so much stimulus, so much to look at. And I go, hey, wife, we got to go bang. And she's like, what? Really? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, well, when in Rome, everyone's doing it. So we fucked.

Like in public? In public. And the fact that I got hired is a goddamn miracle. That's fucking weird, Mark. I was looking at all the other men. I mean, I want to yes and you here, but you're fucking in public now? What kind of person have you become? You blend in. You go to Berlin. You go with the people. Mark's next slide is, we went to a Nazi rally. I didn't want to salute, but you got to blend in. I was following orders. So I'm banging the lady. Now, here's where it gets real wacky.

It wasn't easy. I mean, it took a lot of like, you good? Is there like a way to get hard in an environment like this? Mostly looking at the other women. That helped because there's naked women everywhere. He looked at the guy in the wheelchair. He's like, that'll do it. Lieutenant Dan over there. So I'm plowing the lady and I got her from behind and

This is open dance floor like that. Oh, my God. And this guy comes up and taps you on the shoulder. And I go, oh, that's my we might be in trouble. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong. And I look back and he goes, me next. And I go, what the fuck? Get out of here. They don't have me to in Amsterdam. They have me next. Yeah. Hashtag me next. And but that's normal there. He wasn't even being a dick. He was just like, oh, all right. You met some lady who wants to get railed. I'll do it next.

Jeez. So that was kosher. I don't mean to sound, you know, prude here, but it's so unromantic. Oh, yeah. Like part of the fun is the chase and the seduction and dude just being like, you line up like it's the bathroom. Right. It's a little weird, isn't it? Yeah. He took a number, but. Like a deli. Yeah, exactly. I'm number two. So ramming her. He wanted that beef tongue. You asked for a sample. Yeah.

That's incredible you did that. How many people were watching? Well, it's so normal that people walk by and go, oh, how about that? And then they just move on. Are you worried about getting recognized?

A little, but the outfit helped. I had a couple people say, hey, comedy, which is weird. I said, comedy. They're yelling your catchphrase, Walt. Yeah. Walt, Mark's fucking his wife. I gave a praise Allah out of the gate. And so I go, ah, get out of here. I wave him off. And now I'm starting to get like, all right, I'm fucking this woman in public.

I got a guy tap me on the shoulder. There's people everywhere. People are staring at us as the gimp in the wheelchair with the mask and a dick clamp. And I'm kind of starting to lose it. Like, all right, I got to free. I'm freaking out. I got to stop this. Did you come? No, I was about to. There's a guy next to me. I look to my left.

old guy jerking off, staring at me with his tongue out. And I said, that's it. Wrapped it up. Couldn't do it. The wife's like, what are you doing? I was going, I was getting into it. I was like, ah, that. And she was like, ah,

And we walked away. I hate to say it, but under the circumstances, he was in the right. No, I'm not mad at the guy. You're fucking in public at a sex club. He should get the jerk off to it. If he was a little better looking, I would have gone with it. Really? But he was an ugly guy, and he was kind of scary looking. It was Joe Biden. If it was Hunter, you would have done it. Yes, exactly. It could have been Hunter. That's true. Hunter Gatherer. It was his thing. But yeah, so I had to bail, and she was kind of like, oh, that was a little anticlimactic. And I was like, I know, but the jerk guy, I was out.

I'm the jerk guy. I can only go so far. We're still, you know, comedians who live in New York. I mean, I don't think I could ever do... Could you ever do something like that? No, but I love how... Matt Peters, could you?

Yeah. How the peeves have gone from the streets of New York are too crowded to I don't like this guy jerking off on my wife. Yeah. Subway, I'll take it. Things have gone too far. Yes. I've gone to a sex club before. Oh, you have? Yeah. How was that? It was really weird. A lot of old people. Yeah. I was listening to a guy fuck my wife in the other room. A guy that sexed with your wife? My ex-wife. Oh. Whoa. Is that what ended it? A 60-year-old lady asked me if I wanted a blowjob. I said no. A 60-year-old lady? Well, she was there.

Dude, you know, yeah, I guess you don't ask your age. But that's, god damn, Matt, you're like a whole other life. I guess that's who should be at the sex club is old people. If you're young and you're starting at that place, that's fucking weird. Well, that's the thing about this club is they're very picky. So everyone in there was either hot people with great bodies or anomalies. You know, the wheelchair guy, the dwarf guy.

the guy with the gift mask and covered in tattoos. Everyone had a thing, or you were hot. So the only reason we got in is because our promoter got us on the list.

thank god what a weird request yeah i love that you did that that's insane oh you pulled up the boogie nights damn what a sad scene oh that was peters after the wife that's a tragic character brutal there's a lot of sad characters in boogie nights but that one takes the cake yeah sad it's not a good sign when you're more sad than seymour hoffman in a movie that's hard to pull off when

When you're the more depressing character. Yeah. Dude, Mark, I cannot believe you did this. Well, you know, I was out there so long, out in Europe. You kind of detach. And you're just like, who am I anymore? And you kind of just start going into these weird places. Yeah, but how are you going to go back to just fucking your wife on your bed at home after doing something like this? Well.

I hired a guy. He comes in, he stands by the bed and we're good to go. Yeah, no, but it's actually nice to be back because now I can like be myself and throw our legs around. In there, I was like head on a swivel. I was like a Cub Scout, you know? So you were there with a friend. Did he get to see any of this?

No, I wanted to get away from Doug. Doug Key, everybody. But he had his own fun. He met some girls? He met some girls, and he's a good-looking guy. He's ripped, and the guys in there weren't great. The women were gorgeous, but the guys weren't great, so he really stood out, and he got hit on quite a bit. Yeah, he's a good-looking dude. Good-looking guy, 12-pack, huge arms, and yeah, they loved him.

Is there a language barrier when you're trying to hook up with someone there? No. The only thing was the bouncer was a bit of a dick because he's so important. This big Nazi bald buff guy was like, how come we got to learn English? You can't learn German? And we were like, we don't live here. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're damn right you don't live here. And I get in there. And I think that's just part of it.

It's kind of fun when they are. Yeah. You ever go to a burger place like Paul's Burger Joint and the waitress is just kind of rude to you and you're like, I kind of like it. Yes. That's where it starts, the minor abuse. Then you end up in a sex club. Yeah. And I will say there was something fun about the no phones. You're like, I got to take a photo of that. I got to take it. And then after 20 minutes, you're like, fuck it. Let's live. I like that there's no phones.

I want this on video, this jerk guy. The phone you break out because you're bored. You're not bored at a sex club. Good point. You break your phone out when your girlfriend's telling you a story, not when you're fucking your girlfriend. Also makes you feel pretty good about the dong size. I'm no prize here. But there's some losers. Some real acorns in a bush.

Acorns in a bush is the worst way to describe it. That little turtle head popping. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, like, oh, God. And a guy, you know what's weird? The guy jerking off. That guy, he's got a whole backstory. Yeah. Like, that person has a life. I know. He's like, you know, maybe he's like a widow or something. And he's like, yeah, I'll be a jerk off at the club guy now. I had the same thought. You go to Subway Sandwiches and that guy's in there.

He's eating or a lady, a hot lady's just like at the airport, but they don't know about the secrets. Yeah, he's deep throat in the sub, but he's still eating that. He's got a 12-incher. But yeah, there was some impressive dongs too, but I felt pretty good at the end of the day. I mean, you feel good enough to whip it out and fuck your wife in there. That's true. This episode's going to be demonetized in a second. We literally open with Mark's like, I fucked my wife in a club. I didn't even think about that.

I mean, whatever. It happens. It's a true story, and it was at a sex club. You know, I did it in the right place. It was appropriate. I can't believe it. I don't think I could perform in public. If this was in the Bronx, I couldn't have done it. But the fact that you're so far away, you know. I think there's another reason you couldn't have done it in the Bronx, to be honest. Ha, ha, ha.

Not a lot of acorn in there. Yeah, good point, good point. No, I know what you mean. The removal, you're gone so long, it's almost like who cares, right? Exactly. There's a weird thing. When you're on the road long enough...

there's a party that takes over like who gives a shit give me give me other highlights of europe okay so uh we got three days off which was a gift because you're living out of that suitcase you're on a flight every day a train every day it's it's it's one country to the next to the next and it's a lot on you so we had three days off the wife left because she was like i gotta go back to work i have to go back to civilization me and doug go fuck it we got three days off what should we do

Fuck it. We got drunk. We bought tickets to Paris. Wow. We flew to Paris, which was a horrific flight. We had to connect in Reykjavik. Reykjavik, whatever. My favorite tennis player. Yeah. No Vax. And we had to get a... It was like an eight-hour travel day. We wanted to kill ourselves. This is why Doug... At least you're with someone, though. Yes. And this is why I love Doug. This motherfucker bought those boots. He bought like, you know, eight-inch platform whatever boots to wear to the club. He...

He's like, I got the receipt. I'm going to return these boots when I get back to America to pay less because they were $60. He carried those boots all over Europe. Oh, my God. I couldn't believe it. So we go to Paris. He's got the boots with him. But we go to Paris and you want to kill yourself. The fucking flight is hell. Connecting. Language barrier. You're tired. You're hungover. You're packing. You got the boots.

Right when you land in Paris, you get in an Uber, you pass by that Eiffel Tower, you go, this is the best decision we've ever made. We got a little Airbnb. Doug's such a nut, he set up four shows. We set up four shows at a little club. We sell them all out.

And we had a great time. Oh, Paris. It's so cool that you're at a point in your career where you can go to Paris and say, I want to sell out a show in Paris and people come out. That's how I felt like it's not the same, but like I had a canceled flight in Montreal and I was stuck for the night pop-up show that night sells out. And you're like, it's amazing. We're at a point in our lives where, you know, we can just do that. It's I'm grateful. Totally agree. Yeah.

So give me some Paris highlights. I mean, Paris, it's a reason why it's cliche, like the prettiest city, because it really is. I mean, there's a lady singing opera on the bridge and the sun was setting. I'm holding a Prosecco at a restaurant, just looking at everything. The boats go by the Eiffel Tower. Doug Key, we went to Sacré-Cœur, Sacred Heart Church. He cried. He wept.

It was so pretty. I was supposed to come here with my grandmother and she died. I'm like holding Doug. We look like two weirdos. I'm eating a baguette. He is a baguette. I feel like you're doing the weird part of the relationship with him. You're fucking your girlfriend in the sex club. Then you're like, they're there. To him in Paris. What the hell? That's true. What the hell happened here? Then I fucked Doug. You fucked him in the church. Yeah. Same old guy was jerking off in the church. Oh, yeah. Notre Dame. Notre Dame.

So we had a great time, did the shows. The shows were great. And then we flew back and just did Dublin. Dublin was the hottest crowd. That Vicar Street is an amazing venue if you ever get a chance to do it. In Dublin. Yeah, it's up there with like the Wilbur or the Moore.

It's just magical. I'm filming my next special at the Wilbur in March. The ticket's on sale later this month. But yeah, I'm pumped, man. I feel good about the hour. It's cooking. My friend saw you in Chicago and was like, holy shit, I was blown away. That was a hot night because we had... Mateo Lane plays at Chicago Theater. Chicago kid. Big deal. Right. And then we're on the same flight. It's his husband, him, me. And we literally... I go up to him with the urinal. I just see a mohawk. And I realize...

I take a chance because I was just like, hey, you pussy. And then I was like, oh shit, this might not be Mateo. But then I was like, thank God. I just chanced it on the Mohawk. Wait, he has a Mohawk? Yeah. Oh, I didn't even know that. Yeah, yeah. Well, that kind of sex club stories. Yeah. Yeah. Then I started fucking him in the bathroom. Yeah. I jerked off. So we're sitting on the, you know, we're on the flight. We're going there and he goes, hey, I'm making pizza at Lou Monati's later tonight in the kitchen for my YouTube channel. You want to do with me? I was like, of course. So

I, you know, I do, we make pizza. It's so fucking fun. But you know, that deep dish pizza is no joke. Oh yeah. So, you know, I had three slices. I'm dying. I feel sick. And then my girlfriend sees me post about it. She's like, Oh, I wanted Chicago pizza. So I was like, fuck it. Ordering it again. I had it for dinner as well. I wanted to kill myself. I worked out twice the next day. We go to a yoga class. I did. I swam like 60 laps in the hotel. We were in a hotel with a sick pool. Uh, but,

We do yoga the next day. I just was like, I need something to do. She set it up. So we go. It's called Funky Friday. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, no. It was a hot class. We're in the dark. We were the only people that like, I guess there was like, they're all regulars. Yeah. So they like inside jokes that we didn't get.

They're just like, are you guys ready for a funky Friday? And I'm just like, I don't, everyone's laughing. I'm like, I don't get how this is funny. Is this like fun mom stuff? Is that what this is? I guess, but they keep making jokes like that. And they're like, it's funky because the room is set up different. And I'm like, okay, I have no basis for comparison because I've never been here. I don't get the joke. Anything funky is never fun. It's never fun. And she kept saying it. Oh,

That's weird. It's like those places where you drink and paint. Whoa! Everybody watch out. We're drinking wine and painting. Woo! Crazy. So lame. It's like drinking on a podcast just to make it stand out. It's like pathetic. Losers. But...

yeah, Chicago theater. He does it Friday. I do it Saturday. So we do guest sets on each other's shows. And I was like, what a fucking crazy weekend that we just can do that. That's incredible. Uh, yeah, both, both sold out. It was like, you know, his crowd was amazing. My crowd was amazing. Uh, he got a nice little Chicago pop when he came out from my audience. It was nice. Great hometown kid. And, uh, yeah, his whole family's there. It was, it was pretty cool. And, uh,

Yeah, it was a hell of a night, man. Chicago is just the best. It's the best. That's why I did the special there. Me too. Something about it. Yeah, exactly. I love it. I even mentioned James Webb on stage. He's a Chicago kid. Everyone applauded him. Oh, wow. Because he's filming. Yeah, because he's... That's so cool. I bet he brought... I think he brought a lot of friends, you know? Oh, that's cool.

And that's a great theater. That theater is special. That marquee, you can't beat it. Dude, I was doing crowd work in a close to 4,000-seater. Wow. Because it's that intimate for a 4,000-seater. It's 3,600 or something. Sure. So I only did it for like seven minutes or so toward the end just to fuck around a little bit. But you can do it in a theater. That's how crazy it is. Yeah, beautiful play. I think Mulaney did a special there as well. Yeah, I feel like he picks really classy theaters. Didn't he do one at –

He did one at Radio City. I think he did one at Town Hall, too. Oh, man. He always picks really classy, beautiful theaters. Yeah. Wow. That is so cool, though. I love Chicago. I can't believe Mateo got hair plugs and then does a mohawk. Yeah.

Is that a weird move? Getting cocky. Yeah. Who do you think you are? Well, we, uh, our guest today, Nick Offerman's a, uh, Illinois guy. So he messaged me. He's like the Chicago theater, you know? So I'm excited. He's coming on today, man. He's a great guy. Where did you meet him? I met him in Calgary. So, uh, I actually met him years ago at a benefit in Austin. He was hosting. Um, and it was like me, him, uh,

A bunch of big comedians were on it. I was like the smallest comic on it, but he hosted and he was really cool. And then we did this gig, the Great Outdoors Fest in Calgary with me, him, and Dan Soder. Fucking amazing hang, hot show. So fun. Does he have jokes? Does he do an act? He does a lot of musical stuff, some stories. Yeah, I mean, he's super funny. Obviously, you've seen him, and he's an incredible...

and dramatic actor. I can't wait to meet him. I've told this story before, but the only time I met him was at Conan, and he was in a robe, and he jerked off. He was in a robe, and I was getting a haircut, and he said, shave the boy and bring him to my room. That was the only exchange we had. We all laughed. It killed in the room, and that was it.

Yeah, I saw him on TV this morning. He was on Morning Joe promoting his new book, so pumped to have him here. Is it just a... I should know this. Is it a biography? No, it's a travel book. Oh, great. So yeah, why don't we pull that graphic up so we're prepared. Yes, yes. Salakius pulls up Mein Kampf. Gotta get it together, Sally. Gotta be ready. So why don't we...

Yeah. There we go. Why don't we, we want to just chill till he gets here. We got seven minutes. I'm kind of got to pee anyway. All right. You got to pee. Should we get ice for the scotch too? Oh, Hey, I didn't see you there. Just want to let you know that I'm performing at the Madison square garden theater. November 4th. I can't wait. I'll take it to my website.

What do I do about the burning sensation? What do I do?

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Set your business up for holiday season success with ShipStation. Go to ShipStation.com and use code DRUNK today. D-U-R-N-K. And sign up for your free 60-day trial. Holy hell. At ShipStation.com. Code DRUNK. Get on it! Two girls, one cup. Had a soundtrack, I guess. So, you got a new book out, we should say, out of the gate. Oh, yeah. Right here. Nick Offerman with a deer and antelope play.

Thanks for joining us, man. This is a travelogue book. It is, yeah. Do you do the audio book? I do. I love to do audio books even more than writing the book, I think. Thank you, Matt. Totally. It's like a really long podcast. Cheetos. Is this your second book? It's my fifth book. Your fifth book. Okay. Fifth book? That's a lot. Jesus. That's crazy. What are you, Grisham? Jesus.

Yeah, I never expected to be a touring humorist. I just wanted to get good parts and plays in Chicago. I had a scenery shop. I built scenery for plays. And then, like, I got cast in a couple movies, and a couple people said, you should come to L.A., you make funny faces.

So I did, and here we are. So I started touring, performing as a humorist, and Rashida Jones came to one of my early shows and said, I love your talk with like an agenda. It sounds like you're reading from your book. And I thought, oh, actually, I have some more stories of jackassery. Yeah. So then I cast about to see if I could get a book deal, and I did. Now, what does a humorist entail? Yeah.

Well, it's interesting because I've been devouring both of your work. I've been fans of yours before. Like, I met Sam doing a gig together recently.

But you both had just caught my eye over the years because I described you to my wife as like the grandchildren of Carlin. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. And what I mean by that is you're not very attractive. No, I'm not.

What I mean by that is you can tell you spend a lot of blood and sweat and tears, like, fucking with language and fucking with the line of, like, what's funny, what can I get away with? There's intelligence. Because in listening to episodes of this podcast, people kept talking about Dave Attell, and I've always heard his name, and I...

texted Sam and said, I literally have never, I've only heard his name for years and years. I've never seen him. And so he told me to check out his album, Skanks for the Memories. Yes. And I listened to it in a hotel room the other day. And it was, I mean, it's so, he's so aggressive. His energy is so aggressive that you like,

You either turn it off or you turn it up. And I turned it up. I love it. Where it's just like, he's not going to fucking let you catch your breath. Right. And he got me laughing. And of course, there's stuff that's 20 years old. So there's stuff that's like, oh, I can't do that one anymore. But in the same vernacular, you can tell that you're not just like, you know, telling dick jokes. You're playing with the form in a way that...

that when I decided to start doing this, I was aware that I don't have the kind of brain that writes jokes. I knew... I think Zach Galifianakis is one of the comedians I've known the longest, and he was just always aware of how he can sit there and just...

take any banal situation and think of the funniest goddamn way to describe it or just the stupidest non sequitur that you're like fuck man like a mitch hedberg isms that i'm like god damn it look what you just did with a bag of doritos right right yeah galvin agus has great one-liners that people don't talk about because he's such a big actor with the hangover and whatnot but

Killer. Yeah, we watched his, I remember it was like half hour on Comedy Central being like, this is fucking great. I loved his stuff. He's somewhere between, like he's got a little Stephen Wright to him as well. Oh, yeah. Out of left field. But so when I started doing this, I was like, okay, I don't write jokes, but people laugh at the slow way in which I talk. And so I just decided to start calling myself a humorist. And I wrote out like a 90-minute show and I do songs.

And I just felt like it allows me... Because when initially Netflix had my first special on Netflix, it was called American Ham. Oh, yeah. They since pulled it off. But people would complain. People would go through all the comedy and they'd get to me and they'd be like, this isn't fucking comedy. This isn't...

a comedian. Right. And I was like, I don't really disagree with you. You read the comments? Are you nuts? No, I don't. I don't remember where I came across that. Oh, yeah. Because I didn't know...

You could have comments on that streamer. Oh, we did a YouTube special, so I saw them all, but I'm like, you know. I don't dwell on them, but I'd be like, oh, okay. I read the comment. I read reviews of my books, and people really love my books, like probably you guys.

93% of people know what they're in for and they love it. And 7% somehow thought you were a Christian or like... They're like, Nick Offerman, if you have ever been to church, Nick Offerman thinks you're an idiot. Oh, wow. And I'm like, no...

I was drunk when I wrote that. Well, I mean, I wouldn't say idiot. No. Whenever I talk about religion at all, I go into all camps mode and literally say, each to each their own. Like, I absolutely have no judgment about any of this. But...

If you're going to try and make kids pray in school, like if you're going to do shitty things in the name of religion, that's what I want to talk about. Which is the most shitty things have been done in history. Also extremists. It's okay to have an opinion on extremists. That's another thing. It is.

If you have an opinion on anything, like Brian Regan has bits that offend people. I know. But I just did Dublin, and we did a little Q&A after. One guy was like, talk about the Catholics and the Protestants there are just crazy divided. It's like they hate each other. Still. And I was like, guys, relax. Both of them aren't real. Yeah.

That was the punchline. And I posted the clip, you know, fun times, comedian, humorist. And I got a million like, you're going to hell, screw you. And these are all the free speech guys. Like, I can't do a religion bit, but. Yeah. It is. It's a very tough time. By the way, I haven't been introduced to our friend here. This is Winnie.

This is my girlfriend's dog, and she goes to work, and I was like, I feel bad leaving the dog at home. Yeah, Winnie deserves to be here and to weigh in on matters of religion. Oh, yeah, she hates the Jews. She only knows one. It's not her fault. I have one Jewish friend, and he forgets to let her out sometimes. He can't eat American ham. So...

Yeah, you're doing like the press tour now. I saw you on MSNBC this morning. I just flipped it on. I was like, oh, shit, there it is. That's fun. It was actually nerve-wracking. I am doing the paperback publication of this book. I'm very proud of my book. But I also just recently did a PSA, and this is the least sexy thing that will ever happen on your podcast. I don't know. He farted on Alison Brie. That was pretty bad. Oh, man. Yeah, I got hard. Yeah.

She loves it. I am invested in agrarian farming. And so I made this PSA for with the NRDC, the Natural Resources Defense Council. It's this lobbying group purported like in favor of soil health, like encouraging. We're lobbying Congress to encourage farmers to plant cover crops and

It's a great climate change fighter. It's a great agriculture thing. And it's something that I will always be invested in. There's a lot of it in my book, although the book is also very entertaining. All right. There is soil talk, though. Full disclosure. But so the MSNBC appearance was not funny. The PSA is funny. You got a line or two in there. I played dirt. Yeah. But they're asking me, and it's like, you know, people always...

You know, people always shit on me, basically. I'm dirt. But we should take care of our dirt. And, you know, you can imagine it needs its health, its microorganisms. And it actually makes it, it's a great carbon sink. If you have healthy dirt, it saves water. It does all these things. And so it's nerve wracking to go on MSNBC and not be there as an entertainer.

Where they're like, so tell us, you know, tell us about fucking farming and Congress. And fortunately, there was a really smart lady named Arohi from the NRDC. And I could sort of set her up. I'm like, well, 11% of our nation's emissions come from agriculture.

And then she would kick in with a paragraph of intelligence. Yes, classic humorist. The old Garrison Keillor, throw to the writers in the sky. It's got to excite the TV people, and they're like, oh, this guy's got some dirt on people. And then you get there, and you're like, no, literally, soil. This is it. Can we grab a napkin too, Matt? Also, I want to try some of Nick's scotch, too.

Nick Offerman has his own brand of Lagavulin. How the hell did you pull that off? You have a deal with, I would say, the best scotch. Yeah, it's up there for sure. Thank you. Thank you, Sally. Can you imagine? It's insane. When I was 29, so two years ago, when I was 29 in 1999, I was at a film festival in Chicago.

And my filmmaker, Scott King, bless his name, he's in Europe now. He said, you know, we introduced the film and we'll be back in 90 minutes for a Q&A. And he taught me the first lesson of film festivals, which is then you go have a drink. It's the perfect amount of time. So we go to a bar and he says, up to that point, I was a broke theater actor. So I would have...

pints and pints of beer and then on a special occasion we'd get jameson and and pound some some irish whiskey which is not even the best whiskey that's funny that's great though it's solid i love jameson but when jameson's your number one it ain't pappy sure sure but i mean i wouldn't have known like it was all about what do you have what's the best affordable right exactly that you have at the chicago theater pub is it cool if we drink yours and you have ours

Oh, sure. Because Mark and I have our own rye. It's Bodega Cat Rye. Oh, yeah. We're in the same biz. I did not know that, but I'm a big rye fan. Hell, yeah. Same. So...

So he bought me my, he said, let me, do you want to try some scotch? I said, sure. I've heard of, Eugene O'Neill wrote about it. Like, let me check it out. And he got me a glass of Lagavulin. And so he didn't say anything else. So it was like, this is scotch. And then I was ruined. Yes. It's amazing. Thank you very much. But then how do they, how do you get in cahoots with them? There's a lot of things I like that no one's putting my face on.

Cheers, by the way. Oh, hey. And thanks again for coming. Cheers. To lucky sons of bitches. Hell yeah. Get the book. That is so good. Your rye is quite nice. Thank you. As well. Thank you. Top notch. It's so smoky. It's like drinking bacon or something. It's like a campfire in your mouth. Yeah. So...

I was 29. So then that became my drink. And then, you know, I learned and I'm not picky. If we have whiskey, we're in good shape. I'm not persnickety. Sure. But over the years...

If pit places had Lagavulin, that's what I would order. And naturally, I learned to then have a rivalry with Laphroaig. Oh, yeah. And they're actually next-door neighbors on the coast of Islay. Oh, really? Laphroaig, Lagavulin, and Ardbeg are right next to each other. And they're all... I like Ardbeg, too. Yeah, they're all nice winter scotch. Very peaty. Totally. Totally.

Yeah. So when I was then 38, I got the job of Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec. Sure. And somewhere early on, it was in the script, Ron, Leslie comes in for a meeting, Amy Poehler, and Ron pulls out two glasses and a bottle of scotch. So we get there to the day, and I open my drawer. It's Lagavulin 16. And I thought, these prop people are so good that they found out my favorite scotch is

That's amazing. And it was like a year later, I went to Mike Schur, who was the main creator of the show, and went to his birthday party, and I was talking to him, and Adam Scott walked up and gave him a bottle of Lagavulin 16 and said, happy birthday. And I said, you know, that's on the show because that's my favorite scotch. And Mike said, no, you fucking idiot. It's my favorite scotch. Did you think they read your mind or something? So thanks to Mike, who also had exquisite taste...

It became Ron Scotch. And we used it frequently on the show. And eventually we said...

Has anybody heard from Lagavulin? We literally have given them like a $2 million worth of screen time. Yes. And we, we, we made a big deal out of it on the show. And finally, towards the end, the answer was no, we hadn't heard from them. That's crazy. They never reached out like this is so cool. They were pretty small, obscure show. So I think it hadn't quite, and American shows take a couple few years. That's true. To get over and infiltrate the UK. Right. And Ireland. Um,

And so towards the end, Chris Pratt got cast in Guardians of the Galaxy, and that was going to shoot in London. And so if we wanted to still have him on the season of Parks...

They had to come up with a way to go shoot in London. Whoa. Our little Indiana show. Yeah. So our brilliant producer named Morgan Sackett, who shoots all the Lagavulin commercials, by the way, came up with this way to take the show to London. And they sent my character to the Lagavulin distillery. Oh.

And so, I mean, it just was ridiculous. And so we all hit it off. They liked me and they said, maybe what if we start doing commercials? And I said, oh, yes, that would be fine. Just inching your way in. You want to pay me to say that I like Oxygen? Sure. Right. I'll fucking back Oxygen.

And so I started doing these commercials. You can find them on YouTube. We have a channel called MyTalesOfWhiskey.com. Pull it up. There are, I think, 50 of them by now. And they're mostly stupid comedy shorts. Is there like a favorite of yours we could pull up? Gosh, well, the one that has a gazillion hits was this one-off idea of

a writer from Brooklyn Nine-Nine named David Phillips came up with just pitching, you know, bullshit. And it was to replace the Yule log. You know how there used to be the Yule log channel at Christmas. You put it on the TV and it's just a burning fireplace. And

So we did our version of that where it's a fireplace and me in a chair next to it. And somebody turned it into a 10-hour loop. And like every 15 minutes, I take a sip. That's the Yule log. Wow. And it had...

It has, you know, it's a... So there's no words? No. That's amazing. All I do is sit there. It looks cool as hell, though. That's brilliant. At Christmas, then, people, like, in bars or workplaces, they'll just put it on as, like, wallpaper. So that was our biggest hit.

I love it. That's like some sort of Warhol type art piece at a party. And of course, it was just a prank. It was like a throwaway idea. And at the time, the longest media we had, we could do a 45-minute take on the card that we had. And so the director is like crawling. It's weird.

I mean, how bad do you... You must be farting. You got to pee. I mean, how long did you do this? That's my bag. It was a 45-minute take. Wow. I love it. It's like kind of zen. It is. I mean, and then we did one for New Year's Eve out in front of the distillery. So...

So we start doing these commercials and it's Morgan Sackett and Dean Holland, a great TV director who directed the most episodes of Parks and Rec. We often go back, been to the distillery six or seven times in the last 10 years and

And then eventually they decided to make a Lagavulin Offerman version. Finally. Which is, so it's just, it keeps, I mean, I guess they're going to offer me the company at some point. Yeah, eventually. It continues to escalate. Well, the first time we saw it, I was like, oh, like Nick Offerman. And then Matt was like, no, seriously. I was like, oh, I didn't know. Yeah. It's crazy. I'm very grateful for that.

Apparently, you know, the show and my endorsement has done them a lot of good. Okay. And so we're very grateful for the relationship. Like, every time they pick us up for another year, we're just like, okay, great. Yes. Yeah, we're trying to get Sam one with Pepto. Okay.

All right. We got to get your face on a Pepto because he drinks it all the time with the hangovers and the- I mean, upset stomach on the road. I've switched to peppermint pills, but you're doing a gig on the road. Sure. You chug a Pepto. Yeah. I'm trying to get into plan B. I want my face on the pill. That'll definitely make women want to take it. For sure. I'm inside of them. So yeah, this is an amazing gig. So what kind of input did you have in the making of the Offerman gig?

There's a brilliant guy named Stuart Morrison who – and now there used to be an obscure independent distillery. They have since been purchased by Diageo, which is a big beverage company. So through Diageo, I've also done commercials for Talisker and Oban.

But mainly Lagavulin. Talisker's pretty great. I mean, they're both great. They're fantastic. Yeah, it's insane. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But this great alchemist named Stuart Morrison, he's the guy in the laboratory. And it's pretty fascinating because they have... Think about it. This is 11 years. So in order to come up with 50,000 cases of this...

They have to find that much liquid available. And then the one that we're doing right now, or this one, for example, we finished it in these charred oak casks. So he does these experiments where we do tastings.

And they're very generous. Like, they let me – he sends me a kit and we do mix. He's like, try a drop of this and, you know, taste. Now taste this one, taste that one. And so ultimately, he's the chef. He knows what the fuck he's doing. And I'm the sorcerer's apprentice where I'm at his elbow. And I ultimately get to say which one is yummy. Right. And then he's like, thanks to Nick Offerman's expert palate.

And they try to goose it up as though I know what the fuck I'm doing, which all I'm doing is saying I like number 7B. And so I love it. I mean, I also write all the copy on the back of the box and like...

I pitch sort of jokes. There's little illustrations of me and stuff. So I'm very active in it because whether it's my books or anything that I endorse, I don't put my name on something if I don't stand behind it and I try to be as involved as possible. Because I think it's douchey to just... If it was just...

My name, I don't think anybody would pay me for that. Right, right. Wow. You did also in Parks and Rec. Isn't your character, it's Elmo's Steakhouse, right? St. Elmo's. St. Elmo's. In Indianapolis. Was that you or is that the character is going to...

Is that a thing that you brought in or did they just say like, oh, he's going to like this steakhouse? Oh, well, I mean, they, you know, great TV writers. What their alchemy is, they take aspects of your personality and distill them in a way where the, you know, whether it's Aziz or Aubrey Plaza or Amy or me, when they were creating the show.

I was in my wood shop. I actually have a wood shop in LA and I kept talking to them on the phone. We're creating like before we ever started and I would have to turn off the table saw or whatever, the dust collection. And, and eventually they were like, wait, are you, what is this? And I said, it's, I have a wood shop. I build heirloom furniture and boats and shit. And they said, can we come over there? And they got on a bus and all the writers came to my shop and they said,

this is hilarious. Like, can we make your character a woodworker? And I said, yeah, great. I love it. So on the show, Ron's shop is my shop.

And so somehow my love of meat, there are certain aspects of me that they then like crank up to a superhero level. Right. So in my touring show, I do a song called I'm Not Ron Swanson. And there's a line that's like...

Right. Right.

Humorist. That's a humorist. But you did have a... You had a couple drinks with us, and he had a 5 a.m. pickup the next day. He still had a couple drinks with us before he left. I was like, that's a fucking... That's not a humorist. That's a comedian right there. Hell yeah. My bona fides. Oh, wait. I had a question. Shit. Oh, I lost it. What were you talking about? Ron Swanson's steak. Oh, we got it back. Thank you. Now...

Be honest. My wife watches the show a lot. She loves the show. She puts it on all the time. She's wildly attracted to you. That character, she's like, he's so manly and he's so masculine. You must get dozens and dozens of letters.

That's an interesting question that I'm suddenly resentful because I feel like I should. Oh, no. I'd be getting a lot of mail. Come on. You're a good-looking guy. Great hairline. I'm grateful. Thanks to your bride. She's here, by the way. She wants to... No, I'm just kidding. My...

I think because I used to get a lot of fan mail early on, and I used to... On Sundays, I used to really enjoy answering my fan mail. And that was about 2009, 10. And then...

One of the reasons Parks and Rec, I think, hit... Because we almost got canceled every year. We were never a hit show. Right, right. In later years, once streamers showed up, then it became wildly popular with young people. And they don't understand that we almost got canceled all the time. I feel like it's the same with 30 Rock, The Office, all these classic comedies. It's not true, though.

The Office was a hit, was a ratings hit. But it blew up on another level, though, on Netflix. For sure. Yeah. Absolutely. That's also true. I mean, in this weird new advent of like comfort shows, because for the first time, even post cable, you could just have your show available. Yeah. Just watch it over and over.

But so somewhere towards the beginning, suddenly when Parks and Rec did take off to the extent that it did, I was suddenly hugely unable to return fan mail. Yeah. It exploded. And in order to just maintain any personal time.

I also had to not really engage on social media. And so wherever that would exist, if anyone is soliciting my sexual favors, I'm unaware. I'm really unaware of it. Wow, it's out there. I'm glad. I'm frankly glad. I'm grateful because, you know, my wife and I have a great thing and we still maintain a healthy amount of heat between us.

And so I'm also grateful that it hadn't occurred to me. I was like, where are the... I do hear on occasion from the sort of bear community. Oh, I bet. Depending on what facial hair I'm rocking. Right. Well, you're an alpha. Well, I appreciate that. You're a top.

In that world. Yeah, by and large, I suppose. Are the bears always the top? I didn't even know that. I assume they're the ones doing the... I don't know how the... Do bears go at it from time to time? Yeah, sure. I'm not sure. Yeah, I think you can be a pitcher or a catcher as a bear. I would hope. And I'm relatively ignorant, but I do know there are bears and there are cubs. Yes. Because I've met cubs. And generally, you know, I hate to make a stereotype, but...

Cubs are probably more likely to be found on the bottom of any arrangement. Especially in baseball. They're in the bottom of the division. Well, boy. They're my team. Oh, it's just a bunch of Burt Kreischer's. And I wish I could argue with you. Well, I've been called an otter. What is that? That's like a scruffy, skinny guy. I'm not a twink.

That's too small. I'm like an otter. And then I think you're a giraffe, I would assume. Are we allowed to say twink? Because I remember doing that show at midnight back in the day. And Jesse Joyce was like helping with my punch up of the jokes. And I said twink. And he goes, you can't say that. And I was like, this guy wrote roast jokes for Greg Giraldo. He's telling me I can't say this. I didn't know that was offensive. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know that either. I mean, I thought it was. I don't know. Maybe not.

It's a cute word, twink. I mean, I suppose in some circles it could be considered derogatory. That's not how we mean it, though. But yeah, I thought it was just a category of like a puckish or fairy-like...

Yeah, very easy. With an E. F-A-E-R-I-E. Yes, like Staten Island. Like the wee folk. Got it, got it. Like a nymph. That's right. Not to make too obvious a segue here, but the gay character you played on Last of Us, that's an incredible episode. Great arc. Thank you. That was like...

It was a slow burn. And great segue. Killer. But I mean, I was watching that and I was just like, the way, it was like a short, it was like a film. It wasn't like an episode of TV. It was. I mean, and you know, hats off to Neil Druckmann who created the video game.

uh but craig mazen who who did the show chernobyl and also uh craig mazen also wrote hangover too like he what is that right he has the most incredible arc at the time what a range his son was on a little league team that my woodshop sponsored so one of my little league dads and he wrote movies uh like it's called superhero movie uh

at least a couple of the scary movies oh wow so he's this great which ones did he write can you look it up so he knows comedy he's this great big brain that like writes creates these satires of a form and then one of my little league dads wrote hangover too and i was like holy it's so incredible cut to he had the idea for chernobyl and nobody would make it of course because they're like what are you going from hangover to this

And so he kind of had to make it on his own. He had to produce it himself. And of course it won every award and is an astonishing, I got to watch it. Everyone's told me to watch it. I got to, I got to put that on. It's incredible. It's incredible.

It stopped us up in the beginning of the pandemic when it came on because it's fucking Chernobyl. Nothing is more bleak. It's a true depiction and people are melting from radiation and shit. So we shut it off for a year and a half and then came back to it and it's worth it.

It's that actor from Mad Men, right? It's Jared Harris. Yeah, that guy's incredible. Son of Richard Harris. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. That guy could put him back. Richard Harris? Yes. He was like a legendary drinker. Yeah, I mean, those guys and Peter O'Toole and what's his name? I believe it was a sir now.

Yeah. They would, Oliver Reed, they would do Shakespeare on the West End and at intermission, they'd go across the alley to the pub and the stage manager would have to go pull them back on stage for their entrance. And, you know, generally they would come out and successfully elocute Shakespearean monologue, you know.

They would destroy the audience, just totally shit-faced. There's these old Hollywood stories of Spencer Tracy being such a blackout drunk that the studio would hire people to shadow him and have to, like, carry him into a car so there wouldn't be an article. And you're like, holy shit. Not stop drinking. It's like, oh, no, we'll help you. Right, right. We'll help you get this drunk. Shepard. That's great. It's a crazy thing.

Craig Mazin wrote that episode. And so, I mean, that... And I guess I'll tell... No, I'm not going to tell the story. This wasn't in the video game, I assume. There wasn't a weird random gay couple. It's touched upon. Oh, it is? Yeah. And most people breeze by. Like, you had to really dig in deep to understand that they had a relationship. So...

Here are some minor spoilers for The Last of Us video game. Please. Which I've never seen beyond seeing stills of the character. You meet my character, and he's angry, and he has these interactions with the leads. Frank is... I think you meet... I think he's hung himself. And so you understand that they had a relationship...

And you see Frank writes a letter about... There's something about a partnership. Like, it's intimated. And then also in Bill's bunker, you find gay porn magazines, I think. So there are clues. And Frank talks about their being partners. But the letter that you find, it's really well done on Neil's part.

It's angry. Right. It's like, fuck, I always fucking hated you. Like, I'm killing my, this is my suicide note.

And I hated you. But if you get all the clues, you're like, oh, you were lovers. Like, this is a marriage. You've got to hand it to me. We've come a long way since Frogger. Depth and relationships and hidden meanings. Yeah, this has all the nuance of a child. I feel like video games make more money than movies now, right? Yeah.

It's pretty crazy. I gave me personally in the late 90s, I played a couple of games and lost a couple of weeks to them. Oh, yeah, I did. Banjo Kazooie and Earthworm Jim. Oh, I loved Earthworm Jim. And it was the same guy. This is all about Scott King. The guy who gave me my first Lagavulin was the first couch I surfed when I got to L.A. And he's a wonderful, brilliant surfskater.

We made a really weird movie called Treasure Island that I'm really proud of. It was Sundance in 98. I was couch surfing with him. He was a gamer and he was like, hey, I just got these two new games. Do you want to basically eat pizza all day for two weeks and play video games? And I was like, yeah, man, Hollywood is awesome. Yeah.

So we did, and we methodically beat each of the two games. Wow. And then at the end of those two weeks, I might as well have been masturbating for two weeks because I was like, that was amazing. And as soon as it's over, I was like, what the fuck did I do? I just lost two weeks of my life. This is pre-Megan Malone.

It is pretty mental. Okay, because I can almost hear her vagina drying up. You were through her gymming all day. No, I met her a year or two later, and my life got very happy. Yeah. And I've never needed another PlayStation. Yeah, you talk about like it was a heroin phase. I did that for a while, and I got out of it, then I met my wife. I'm very grateful, yeah. I've had those lessons in life where I've...

had the opportunity to try something without getting arrested or, or killed and enough to say, Oh, I get it. I get why people throw their lives away on narcotics or video games or whatever it is. And for me, uh,

I have an addictive personality, so I'm thankfully able to say, all right, that's enough of that. Yeah. We were talking before you got here, Matt and I, about the episode you did of Last of Us, and it's like, first off, I think it's cool as hell that you don't see a lot of badass gay characters on screen. Right. Your character is a survivalist badass. Yeah.

got a gun, got a camera set up. But then we were talking, we're like, was he gay or was... Did he know he was gay? Did he know he was gay or does he show up and he's like, I'm lonely? Because I was thinking about it. I was watching with my girlfriend this episode and I was kind of like, I don't know if I would be gay in this type of environment. Then by the end of the episode, I was like, oh, I would definitely have been gay. Right. Because it was like a meaningful relationship and that's the only type of relationship you could have. Well, I mean, to sort of answer...

your intimated question. I, I think he was, I think, yes, uh, he knew he was gay, but he was powerfully closeted. Yeah. You know, when, when the world still existed, that was part of his bitterness was like, he was going to be God damned if he was going to be gay.

because he didn't fit the stereotype, because he was also this badass. And that's how I felt so lucky to get the job, because they needed a guy who could use a shovel.

And there's only three of us in Hollywood. Harrison Ford passed and Jane Lynch was not available. And that's one of the two jokes that I've written. I've written two jokes since I became a humorist. Lesbian jokes, they always work. That's right.

pretty happy but I said it to Matteo Lane my friend is a gay guy the other day I was like you know gay guys make neighborhoods nicer and I said but do lesbians he goes they build them ah yeah that's great yeah they're they're not they're not as visible in the parade because they're they're fixing the floats yeah

But yeah. It's so cool that you've done these like... Is it okay to perpetuate positive stereotypes like lesbians are great with tools? Yeah, I don't see why black guys are big dicks, Asians are smart. That's right. That's exactly right. I mean, so no.

Well, the Jewish one is always so weird. We're like, Jews are successful, these pieces of shit. I'm like, that's your zing? I know, but also a lot of the conspiracy theories end with Jews eat babies. There's a lot of bad ones, too. That's why you don't see a lot of Jewish conspiracy theories, because we see where they end up. Babies aren't kosher. How can that work? Lesbians are heroic unless they're Rothschilds.

Yeah. It's the headline. Do you? So it's so cool. You've been in these movies that are like, first, I've been so many funny movies and funny parts. But then, like, are you kind of more hungry for these dramatic roles now? It's a good question. I like I said earlier, I wanted to get good parts and plays in Chicago theater. I went to theater school at the University of Illinois.

Which is kind of funny. It's Champaign-Urbana in the middle of the cornfields. But it's actually a great theater school that prepares you, that teaches you how to stand and perform Chekhov. And so in Chicago theater, I had a theater company with my friends called the Defiant Theater. And you kind of do whatever is in your toolbox, whatever is on the season. And so...

I love doing comedy, but I also love being a scary motherfucker. Like the only time I really won a good award for acting was in a play in 1995 called the Kentucky cycle. Um, and, uh, that's me in the Kentucky cycle. I wore a suit and I was very tired. Uh, I, um, it was a seven hour play. It was this Pulitzer prize winning play by Robert Schenken, uh,

And I played an Irish indentured servant who was a murderer. And it was a scary motherfucker that you love to hate. And so that, I thought, was my bag. I thought I was like Alan Rickman in Robin Hood, where I was like... Or Die Hard. Yeah. And I thought that was my niche. But then I also love making people laugh. And so I don't really...

My ambitions don't lie in genre. I have been lucky enough to just kind of be open...

I read what comes in and like after Parks and Rec, I never dreamed that I would get that I would have such a effective comedy character. And it took the genius of Mike Schur in his writer's room and Greg Daniels and all these and Dan Gore, who created Brooklyn Nine-Nine, like they thought of what to do with this. Yeah. In so much more of a clever way than I ever could have come up with.

And so then after 125 episodes of that, then I got these great offers from hot shots with TV deals that were like, and I was like, okay, the one thing I don't want to do, obviously, is another Ron Swanson. And they're like, yes, of course.

Us either. So we have this guy, he's like an ex-Marine. He's great at grilling, you know, and they, so I got like three offers of huge jobs that were just another, you know, he's, he's known for his mustache or whatever. Sure. And I, and I was like, thank you so much, but that's like. Too similar. Yeah. I think I'm not thin. My, my ambitions aren't shallow enough to,

I could just make a ton of money playing a guy with a mustache for the rest of my life. Yeah, then you're the one-note guy. Yeah. But isn't it a hard line to walk between being the one-note guy and also like, well, this is what people want. I know. I feel like you can look at a lot of Jim Carrey's movies in the 90s, and he's kind of doing a similar character. Or Bill Murray. Or Bill Murray or Will Ferrell even, who are all great. I agree. Right.

And that's the thing is like – and we all have our certain toolboxes. Like when I went to theater school, I aspired to be more of like a Gary Oldman or Daniel Day-Lewis where you become a little more unrecognizable. Then I think I walked the line between because generally it's hard to disguise my voice. People generally –

Although in the Lego movie, I play Metal Beard the pirate. Oh, yeah. And I sound like a weird Irish pirate. That's the one time that somebody let me do something that doesn't sound like this fucking guy. It's weird because they want Nick Offerman for the voice and then you come in with that voice. Are they annoyed? No, it was really fun. It was Lord and Miller who make like the Spider-Man multiverse things and they made the 21 Jump Street movies and the After Party. These guys are brilliant and prolific.

And and so we're in a Warner Brothers recording studio and and I were messing around and the character had a song. And so I start I was just fucking around, you know, like in a stoned way, playing with voices. And we happened upon that voice and they let me do it. And I was I was so grateful that for once that I didn't have to sound like this.

But to answer your question, so I don't care if it's funny or dramatic. I was just telling a friend, I just signed on to produce and be a supporting actor in an independent film that came my way.

by a total unknown. It's kind of his first script and it's a fucking hilarious, brilliant script. And I got a hold of the guy and I was like, where the fuck did you come from? Like, this is great. Yeah. And the reason I read everything is because

By God, at some point, that motherfucker's going to show up. You never know. And it's so inspiring. And so my buddy and I are going to help produce this movie. Oh, I love that. And it makes you cry, and it's really funny. It's a great script. So...

When I was getting offered those post-Ron Swanson roles, I talked to my agents and I said, you know what? I'm just going to go to my wood shop and make some shit. And let's create some daylight. Let's create a vacuum because nature abhors that. And sure enough, after a couple months of like saying no to stuff, Alex Garland called me who made the movie Ex Machina and Annihilation. Oh, dude, great movie.

To be in this... Ex Machina is, like, incredible. It's incredible. It's a masterpiece. For me, he's like the Kubrick of our day. Hell yeah. And... Or if you're a douche, the Kubrick of our day. If you say Bertolt Brecht. Right. But he wanted to meet me to do this sci-fi series called Devs. And I was standing in my wood shop when I got this call and I started crying. I was like, it fucking worked. Like, Kubrick called me. Yeah.

You know, I said no to all the grill guys, and now I get to do this beautiful series. Although you have to have a mustache in this movie and talk about it. I did have a beard, but I'm pretty unrecognizable. Oh, cool. Oh, great.

Yeah. And he didn't require it. That was my choice. Good. It's cool that scripts are still coming in because, you know, you just we see the same Marvel and even Top Gun like they do well. And it's great that theaters are still open and movies are being made. But it's nice to hear when just a great script comes through. You're like, all right, let's do this. It is. And it's interesting. I'm lucky enough to experience tastes of both ends of the rainbow here.

Because I have a supporting role in the Mission Impossible movie that's coming out next summer. Wow. Is it another one? Yeah. The seven? This is eight. Eight. Wow. And it's the second half of seven. So it's called Dead Reckoning 1 and 2. Okay. And those... Chris McQuarrie, who makes those, he's made something like a dozen movies with Tomcat since like Valkyrie. Oh, yeah. And...

And that was so fascinating because I don't ever work on that level on big studio things. What type of character is it? I'm not sure. Yeah, it's a guy with a really masculine beard. I feel like I'm trying to remember what has been what's out there. I'm a...

I'm a high... I think I can safely say I'm a high up military presence. Gotcha. I don't want to... Do you have scenes with Tom Cruise? I can't remember. Was there a guy on an Apple box? To be honest. But the thing was, it was... I mean, you know, it was fucking fascinating. Like these guys, while we were shooting...

I don't know, now I'm getting confused in my years, but at least a year ago? Yeah, it was a year ago, a year and a half ago.

While we're shooting, the new Top Gun came out, which our writer-director Chris McQuarrie wrote. Wow. And so he and Tom, you know, are coming to work every day. So we're working, shooting, while their movie passed a billion dollars in like a month. So they're feeling good. And so there's that sensibility of like they're really... And when Chris McQuarrie, they call him McHugh, when he...

you know, set up a call to offer me to ask me to come do the job. His opening line, I hadn't met him. So this is us meeting. And he said, so this is really fun. And he's a really funny, smart, personable guy. You would think somebody like that would be, I don't know. I feel like James Cameron would be hard to talk to. And he probably is. Um, cause he, he's openly said that he doesn't like actors, but yeah, what a weirdo. Uh, sure. Sure.

I mean... They helped him make a billion dollars with his school. He doesn't need them. He just needs computer versions of them. Right. But Chris McCrory is incredibly personable. So we get on the phone, and he was literally in South Africa. They had just shot Tom Cruise jumping off a fucking rocket ship. And he said, Nick, so here's the deal. Here's how we make these movies. We jump out of an airplane, and we start sewing a parachute as we're falling. Ah!

Like we know where we want to get to. We get all these people together and, you know, we start shooting. Yeah. And we like literally make it up as we go. What? So I got my first pages of script ready.

Day one, sitting in the hair and makeup chair, they brought me my first pages of script. So you don't know what you're doing. That's correct. I mean, I know my character and I know the circumstance. And there's like eight of us in this big scene. And so we all at the last minute are like, hey, nice to meet you. I'm learning my lines as I'm about to go into my first day, you know.

with these A-list actors. Sure. And so it's very different from all the theater and indie film shit that I'm used to, but it's fascinating and

And it was interesting because on a certain level, you know, you can't argue with their... that they make very successful, that they're the best at what they do. Yes, well, we need both. Exactly. And so I feel very lucky that I, you know, get to put my... dip my toe into the separate waters. Yeah, yeah. I just worry that the indie is going away. So I'm glad, like, it's good to have a Pulp Fiction and a Forrest Gump, you know, but I worry without DVD sales to...

maybe like prop up an office space. Yeah. We talk about this all the time on the pod. We love, we love movies. We love, you know, obscure movies. We love big budget stuff too. But, but yeah, I agree with Mark. We, we need the kind of, you need like a sideways too. Yes. Totally. A hundred percent. And I, and I, I'm an optimist, but I don't think it can ever go away because that's the one thing you can never replicate. Like, uh,

To each their own. Like, I'm not interested in shitting on Marvel movies, for example. No. But they're not my bag. And here's the thing. I mean, I've thought about this quite a bit because I actually auditioned to play Wolverine. Wow. And there's a crazy story. That's hilarious. Wolverine if he just got divorced. This was like... This was 98 or 99 when they made the first one. And it was...

singer singer Yeah, that's he's very friendly. I've been given to understand The the cast a Canadian actor named Doug Ray Scott and he was doing a Mission Impossible movie and they they kept holding him - they wouldn't release him and so

Hugh Jackman got flown in for day one without ever having met Bryan Singer So he when he ended up of course, you know getting a lifetime career of this role of Wolverine which He killed it was incredible at and and I remember hearing about it like who the hell is Hugh Jackman Yeah, X this is X-Men, you know, and now my god, okay. He's pretty good. I

Yeah, he's a hunk. I remember at the time, my friends were like, it should be Mel Gibson. I was like, yeah, Mel Gibson. Then five years later, I was like, good thing it's not Mel Gibson. Yeah. That'd be a different movie. But those...

I was a big fight choreographer for the stage. I love sword fighting and I love combat. I love Jackie Chan. Like I love the sense of swashbuckler. And it's something that I miss with modern CGI and editing. It's very rare that you see a cool character with the panache of like Gene Kelly. So if somebody is going to beat somebody up, very rarely do they like, like flip a prop and catch it. And you're like, oh man, they're fucking cool as hell.

Now it's all editing or it's CGI. They do something super cool, but you know, they didn't really have to learn to do it. Right. And that to me personally, when CGI took over and it's not just the Marvel movies, which is like one, one fantastical movies. Now, Dr. Strange is one that I love the comic, but

But there's nothing Doctor Strange can do or Thanos or you name it that I'm gonna be like how the fuck did they do that? But if you go back and watch Indiana Jones, you're like like, you know those those props those stunts are physical and real Yes, the guy slides under the truck with that whip and all like all that shit. You're like, holy shit, you know that and That's a big part of why Tom Cruise still sells so well. It's because you know, he's doing that they show you

here's Tom Cruise jumping off a cliff on a motorcycle. It's insane. Yeah. He's still doing it. It really is. I mean, they really, we saw a bunch of footage cut together. Uh, it was on his 60th birthday. Oh my God. What's he running from? How does he have that in him? Still? He could just put his feet up in Barbados and take it easy. Um,

Why is there a picture of me as Wolverine? Oh. We got a lot of windows open. That's pretty incredible. What does he do? Oh, my God. Oh, this is apparently the biggest stunt in movie history. Whoa. Come on, man. I mean, that's McHugh. God. That's my cue to shit my pants. Come on, man. He did that.

Jesus. And they showed us a bunch of footage that is going to be in number eight of them getting up to some tomfoolery with a couple of biplanes. Oh, I like straight planes. And thankfully, we're standing next to them, and I was so tense from watching these stunts.

uh that i was like thank goodness you're standing here because otherwise there's no way somebody could survive what he does in these things i mean jesse smollett must watch that and go ah shit i'm a hoax i'm a fraud yeah he's really doing it it's true it's uh but so that to me is why we'll never lose the sense of of indie films that's why

We're on strike right now partly because we have to get it in our contract that you can't replace us with AI. Which is, I think, pretty reasonable. It is. But also, you can just imagine the capitalists. Sure. The big story that came out that they want to be able to hire an extra and create... By the way, this is...

A friend of mine worked on the Fast and Furious where, sadly, Paul Walker died in the middle of it. And they had to, like, create him with four different guys and CGI to finish the movie. A little weird. And ever since then, she was a makeup artist, and she came back and said...

Be careful, because from now on, any big-budget movie is going to build a digital version of you in case you die in an accident. Right, so it started with pure motives, and then... Yeah. Yeah, beware. So now producers, for example, want to be able to hire an extra and build you. So they hire you and pay you for one day. So extras get fucked, too. Yes. Here's $30 and a sandwich. And they build you, and then they just use that software for the run of the movie. Wow.

And so it's extrapolate that into like... Now, some people argue the other side of it where they're like, well, if you sell the Nick Offerman software, you could be making 10 movies at once and make a lot of money and turn into a bigger asshole than you already are. I want to come down on the side of artistry versus commerce. And so I...

that there will never be anything approaching the magic of a human being. Like put a person on stage and turn the lights on and you can't beat that, whether it's on screen or stage. Yes. With something computer generated. It's phone sex versus real sex. You know, there's always going to be a winner. I was like fucking a sex doll. It's not even phone sex. It's not a person on the air. Yeah. Oh yeah. Good point. That's a good point.

And so for me, once CGI took over and Doctor Strange does the most astonishing things, I'm still left a little cold where I'm like, yeah, but he didn't really do it, did he? And also the Marvel stuff...

there's too many of them. Like there's literally like once Disney plus took over and started making like shows out of it, I was like, it's becoming insane. Like I, I love star Wars growing up, but there were three of them. Now there's like all these extended universes, which is fine, but you do take away the magic. I love the Sopranos. I didn't like the movie, you know, it just, it lost the magic for me. I think sometimes you take that time off too. And the magic's gone. It'll be interesting too, to talk to like the next generation of,

Because we both are referencing early Indiana Jones or Star Wars where I would argue that like the weird fucking aliens at the nightclub playing instruments. The cantina. They have the magic of the Muppets where you know they exist in physical reality. Right. And if you give me a cartoon, even a realistically rendered cartoon of the cantina.

I'm just not going to feel the same pull. Yeah. But I wonder if like Gen Z kids or whatever, they don't care. They don't care. They don't care about anything. I don't think they care about artists. I don't think they care. Like if an artist paints these amazing paintings with a brush, it's different than doing it computer generated right now. Yeah, they're just swiping. They're just scrolling. I was at a museum earlier looking at some wood working at an art museum, and there were these cool artifacts on the wall that drew my eye.

And I was talking to the docents and I was like, wow, these are really cool. When you get up close, you can see that it's made out of plywood and they're dyed pink. And then I realized they were made with a CNC, a computer driven router. And I immediately was like,

This is garbage. Like, I don't care about this. Yeah. Yeah. And it's... Nonetheless, it's... I don't even mean... I don't want to fully denigrate, but it lost the magic. Of course. It wasn't a sculpture. It wasn't sculpted. Yeah, it's like when we love stand-up comedy, obviously. When you go, oh, he has writers. You're kind of like, oh, I thought it was out of his brain, his point of view. When a comic has writers, we always lose a little respect because...

You know, I understand if you have a TV show, that's one thing. But for your stand-up, if you have writers, it's kind of...

It loses the magic. Yeah. I understand that powerfully. I mean, yes, it's one thing. If you're doing a monologue every night, obviously. Sure. Who can do that? But yeah, if you're touring an hour, that's your voice. Yeah, exactly. That makes a difference. You want Rodney. That's right. You don't want the team. But yeah. Oh, I had another thing. Shit. I lost it. Ron Swanson. No.

Oh, no. Do you want to do peeves or anything? Yeah, we should do peeves. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. We didn't talk about our assignment. I did send in peeves and I even thought of another one. Please. Uh-oh. Does

Does anybody have what I sent in? And I'll pick between. Yeah, we do have. We'll pull it up. You can do them all. Oh, I remember what I wanted to say. We'll fill the time. I did see the Indiana Jones new movie. Email. And the AI is unbelievable because they make them look young and it's pretty convincing. I mean, sure. Every conversation requires nuance. Sure, sure. There's good and bad to all of it. Of course, of course.

But the whole time you're just watching going, I can't believe they pulled this off instead of this is a good movie. I mean, I have a book that I want to adapt into a film. And it's a guy's life story. And I can play the guy probably from... I'm 53. With makeup, I could probably play the guy from like 40 on. Sure, sure. But there's some great scenes of the guy at 20, like riding a horse and he's a period farmer. Yeah. And so...

Even as I'm conceptualizing the movie, I'm like, what do I do? And I think I would rather cast...

Try and cast somebody close to me. I think that's cooler, though. You get two performances. Like, they did that movie on Brian Wilson, and you get John Cusack playing him older and Paul Dano, and now you get two great performances. Right, right. I understand that that is costing the studio more money, but I think it made the movie so much better. I agree, and I'm trying to get Cusack to play the young. Keep going younger. We'll see. Yeah.

Joan Cusack. There we go. While I'm stretching for time here, Mark, can you share with him the story from Conan that you shared earlier? Oh, yeah. Well, you had a great line. I met you for eight seconds, like a rodeo. And...

I was in... They didn't like my outfit, so they had to give me a button-down to wear. So I was in a robe, and you walked by and said, Shave the boy and send him to my room. And I got a huge laugh in the room, and that was it. Fantastic. So always fun when you can get a zing in. I remember that now. And I mean, that's like a Mel Brooks thing or something. Have him shaved and sent to my room. Oh, really? It killed. Yeah, I don't write jokes. Some of Nick's peeves here. Um...

People cutting off in traffic is the first one. Yeah. Well, let's jump to number three. Podcasts of aimless chat. Which I thought might get a laugh, but also is for real. Like, it's a thing. So now, I mean, for years now, everyone has a podcast. Of course. And, like, I've...

And I enjoy them or despise them like anybody, like anything. You know, I love some country. I hate some country music. But when I when I when there are people that I like and I'm like, oh, cool, I'm gonna check out their podcast.

And you tune in and they're like, hey, here I am in my garage in Denver with my two friends. And they proceed to talk about a laundry anecdote for the first 28 minutes. I've done that one. And I'm like, I don't know what the percentage is, but it's people who don't think they're cuter than they are. Oh, totally, totally. Where it's like, hey, I fucking love your – you drew me to your podcast –

Now, at least drive towards some content. Yes. It's before they bring their guest out. And it's...

you know. I mean, it's a crazy stat, but they say, I think 2% of podcasts make it past 20 episodes. Oh, that's wild. So it's wildly like we're in the way, way upper echelon just with a certain amount of episodes. Well, dude, the amount of pods that will do that, it is insane. And that's why we try to have some structure at this, but it's,

Well, it's a good mix. But you're intelligent, curious people. And so the conversations... You didn't do half an hour before I got here. That's what kills me. We did like 15 minutes, I think. Just to build it up. But you're driving towards something. Like you guys are interested in the world. It's not... It's navel-gazing. And when a pod... Even podcasts of people that I love, if there's three hosts...

I'm always like, I don't want to do that podcast because I'm like, I'm not going to get to talk. Yeah, yeah. That's why we don't let him talk. It's brutal. Would you mind going in the hallway? But here's something I want to touch on because there's a little bit of a PSA to it because it just happened to me again. And this is a little bit rarefied. All right. Because it involves Funko Pop dolls. Funko Pop. But it doesn't have to. But for me specifically, here's the peeve.

people now do a thing. Oh, I've seen these. They, uh, they now do a thing, uh, where they find out they have people on the inside at airlines, uh, put in, uh, see how many Ron Swanson ones you can find, please. Uh,

They have people at the airline. I've seen this. And they find out when you're flying in to Philly, to Cleveland, to Vancouver, and they fucking hit you at baggage claim.

They get in somehow. For these dolls, they want you to sign them? Yeah, so there are at least eight of these. There's eight versions of Ron Swanson. Wow. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's pillbox hat dancing Ron. But baggage claim is already held. You've gotten off the flight, now you're waiting with the bag. So specifically for me, because these... And I really would like to maybe do some homework to find out...

What are you actually getting for a Funko Pop that I've signed? Because these guys show up, and it's always big bearded guys. Yes. There's no way they're keeping it, right? No, no, no. It's clearly, it's openly, because they have several. They have a bag of stuff. A good way to ruin that for them is, let me make it out to you. Well, no, I try that, but they get around it. 800 clams.

I mean, you could get a real job for the amount of work it takes to go to the airport, get in, get these Funkos. That's what I say to them. So...

So, A, please, I basically, a long time ago, even before these dolls, I began saying to professional autograph people, because they also meet you outside of Letterman or Colbert, and when they have it taped off, and it's obviously going to a collector, like a sale, I just say, I don't want to encourage this. Like, you're a parasite, and I'm friendly about it, but I'm like...

what the fuck are you doing with your life? Like, how long are you hanging out here at baggage claim? And how much are you to roll the dice that you can sell something I signed? And I always think of my wife who's, who's much more of like a sex symbol and like,

Where I'm like, I don't want to encourage you to do this because then you're going to do it to people like my wife who couldn't beat you up. Good point. And because sometimes they show up at your hotel and I'm like, don't please. Like, I'm not going to I'm not going to participate in this. And I did it recently. And these guys in Philly got in my face. Whoa. And I said, I said, listen, let's just take a breath and and look at like, take a step back.

you're getting upset with me because I won't sign your doll. And these guys are in Philadelphia Phillies gear, wearing their jerseys and their hats. And this guy gets up in my face, this sad Philly fan,

and was like, "Hey man, we know where your show is. We know where your hotel is." - What? - Like, "Have fun getting safe to your hotel tonight." - The saddest tough guys ever. - And I was like, wow, man. - Terrorists. - And I got my phone out and I'm videoing the whole thing. - Yeah. - And I went over to this tiny security guy. - They're talking to a mob boss. He didn't sign the fucking doll. - Yeah. - Hey, where's my-- - He didn't sign it. - "Jimmy, get in here. Where's my Funko Pop?"

I went and found a tiny Asian elderly security guy and was like, hey, these guys like, you know, and they were already gone. Yeah. He's like, I love Funko. But the PSA is please don't go to the fucking baggage claim and ask people to sign your shit. That's crazy. Get a job.

Yes. Like, do something with your life. That's so sad and parasitic. I had a weird situation in Toronto a few weeks ago. It was like a really fun gig. I was playing the Meridian Hall Theater. It was really exciting. And it's part of the JFL Festival, so I'm going in after Jenna Fisher and Angela Kinsey. They're doing their podcast before me in the venue. So all the fans out there are hoping to meet them. And then they turn to me like...

Once one person recognized me, they're like, oh, autograph. And I'm like, I don't want to be your sloppy second. Yeah. You know, it's like you hit on the girl at the bar. She wasn't there. You come to me. But I signed him. He signed the Jennifer. I signed Angela Kinsey. Yeah. Have you ever seen The King of Comedy? Great movie. Yeah, sure. It's De Niro's profession in that movie. Rupert Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin. He's an autograph seeker. Oh, that's right. He sells them.

Yeah, but then he makes it. The worst people always make it. That's the moral of that story. Well, we have a Funko here. I mean, you get another peeve here with the...

What is it? Oh, airport. Stadiums named after corporations. Oh, that's a great one. That's a great one. We're going to Nokia to see the Super Bowl. It's so sadly American. I mean, our fealty to our corporations is so complete that the poor White Sox are now playing in guaranteed rate field. Oh.

Or the Padres play in Petco Park. Yeah. It's like, look, I understand that you have to slather advertising across every available inch around the baseball field. So I'm watching Joey Votto or like I'm watching some hero. Yeah. And it's like, you know, hefty, hefty, hefty. Ha, ha, ha.

Where I'm like, can't I have my baseball? I grew up in New Orleans. We had the Superdome. That was like our pride and joy. And now it's the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. Well, they did a great joke about this in basketball where they were playing at Maxi Tampon Arena. Love that. Well, the storied Lakers now play in Crypto.com Arena. Before, it was a Staples Center. It wasn't like it was a... Staples kind of works, but yeah. Well, Staples, because there's a great R&B group. So you can mistake it for like...

The Staples Center, I'll take you there. Who plays in there? It's better than the R. Kelly Center. Office Depot, uh...

The Office Depot Arena or something? There's an Office Depot. Yeah, totally. Which sounds like the saddest fucking place in a strip mall, not a place where a team plays. It is. I mean, and so, you know, don't just complain. Offer a solution. My solution is get together, understand that if you can have class with your corporation, it's probably going to help your sales. Like, I would argue, I don't know that the Staples Center is like,

um by the way i need some three-hole paper where should we stop i know does it really after the game oh that's a good point yeah i gotta next week i'm doing the funko center which is super annoying but yeah no that's a great one it's so true it just it strips it with a it's a little less dignity a little less fun no it's just corporations and i love the cubs i mean i'm a lifelong cubs fan my my

whole big family in Illinois and we love going to Wrigley field. And I love, uh, singing the stretch and throwing out the first pitch. And, uh, did you throw a strike? Uh, I have not thrown a strike yet. I, I threw a ball and then I've done it two more times. And I, one time I had my cousin do it. Maybe I, I don't, or then the other time I had my dad do it. Oh, fun. Um, cause we, we, we bring a bus with like 24 people. Um,

So, yeah, I I didn't I did a whole bit with my dad. We plan this thing where we come out and he and I, we plan this thing where we shake hands and I do an elaborate stretching. And then I get lined up like I'm going to throw to center field. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. And so we spent all the time doing the bit. And then I didn't like get settled before throwing the pitch.

Because I'm a, like, you know, I got, I practiced for like a month. Of course, you gotta practice. You don't have a Fauci. But it's something that I greatly enjoy. And I love listening to both the TV guys and the radio guys. We have this great guy named Pat Hughes and Ron Coomer on the radio. And so quite often, I never have the luxury where I can sit and watch a game.

So quite often, like I'll be at my wood shop or I'll be getting something done. So I listen to the radio more than I have the TV guys. And both of them,

It just cracks me up. I mean, Christopher Guest could do a whole movie about it where they're like, okay, and here's Nico Horner comes to the plate. The plate is sponsored by Solo Cups, and every single thing has a scripted line that they can't get through an inning without hitting like eight endorsements. Just like, guys. And they're great at casually just like throwing them out there, but I'm like, God damn it, why can't we?

Can't you just... Disgusting. Anyway, this podcast is brought to you by Chance.com. Me undies. I will, to piggyback on your peeve, I will say with stadiums, enough with the music every two seconds. All right, everybody, here we go. How do you feel about this? We're doing the hokey pokey. Now we're doing that. Let me just enjoy it. I went to a soccer or a football game in London. I went to Arsenal. There's none of that. It's just game...

It's all for the kids. That's why. That's what it is, I guess. It's not for the adults anymore. But I would offer in British, in European football or footy, the thing that I envy them...

In America, we get drunk as a group and just scream violence and filth. And we're fully prepared to fight each other and your kids. I'll beat your fucking kid up if he's wearing the wrong jersey. In English football, they have a culture that predates, like is ancient, where the entire stadium...

will sing songs together. Yes. And they're clever and they're... And sometimes they're horrible and racist. They're pretty horrible, yeah, but they're fun. But my favorite was... And everyone knows, everyone joins in immediately. So instead of just like...

Like we're kindergartners. The whole stadium is singing to the other team, your support is fucking shit. Yes. Like everyone en masse. And it feels like a gladiator arena. Yes, exactly. And it's still drunken and boisterous, but it's like...

You and your team sucks in a group. It feels neighborly instead of just like illiterate screaming. Even the cheaters feel kind of corporate in a weird way. They're not. Oh, here. Yeah. Now, you know what? The other thing is every sports gambling was illegal, what, three years ago? Oh, man. DraftKings, FanDuel, BetMGM. Oh, there we were.

It's insane how it went from illegal to like, is this mandatory? Do I have to bet on the game now? Yeah, right. And again, it's in the channels that you're watching and listening to with your kids, which I don't have kids, but I mean, it's fucking gambling. Like, you know, we've learned not to have me come on, like selling Marlboros. Like, we're like, okay, that's fucked in every way. And now suddenly, like, and you even have athletes who...

You have baseball players being like, hey, it's me, whatever. I can't think of which one was on, so I don't want to say the wrong one, but it's me, Pete Rose. About time we forgave him for that one. I'm putting 50 bucks on, you know. That would be great. In the middle of watching it on TV, and I think that's upsetting.

Yeah, well, we act like this is a new thing. I mean, they used to have, like, the Velveeta Comedy Hour, you know, or the Pennzoil Variety Show. Brought to you by Chesterfields. There you go. You made me think of a bit I'm working on. I don't know if there's more here. Can I try a bit? Sure. So this was, you're talking about the fighting at the game, or, you know, the drinking at the game, but, like, every football game now, it's like, I watch the NFL, and it's like every week there's a fight. There'll be women fighting. And one of my angles I want to try is, you know,

it's always a dude losing the fight who's in the opposing jersey. Yeah. I'm like, do you not realize you're the only one wearing green? So I think my angle is like, that's not where you pick a fight. I'm a Jew. I'm not walking into a mosque. Like any of you pussies like Islam, let's dance. I'm going to try it tonight. We're going in outnumbered.

Read the room. Yes, exactly. But on the flip side, the mosque guy will go into the synagogue with the dynamite vest. You're like, that's how you do it. That's how you win against hundreds. Let me do a peeve, too. Hit me with a peeve. I think I got a peeve as well. Hold on, hold on. Don't leave, Nick. Oh, I got a peeve. How about this? People...

When people say, I'm gonna make an executive decision, that's a fucking, it's never like, it's always at like, you're at like a fucking restaurant.

You're not running a Fortune 500. You want to order chicken fingers? I fucking hate that shit. That's a bit. Maybe that's a bit. I don't know. You guys take your time ordering, but I'm going to make an executive decision. Can we get two guacs and one salsa for the table, please? All right, I got one. How about this one? This one's weird. I can't wrap my head around this one.

I'm in a store. I'm kind of lost. And I go up to a guy and I go, hey, man, do you work here? And he flips. He's like, fuck you. I don't work here. What do you think? I work here. And I'm like.

What's so bad about working here? I don't get why that's the biggest insult on the planet. There's always a dude wearing a blue polo at Best Buy, too. It was a guy in a red shirt at Target. Like, you're wearing a red shirt. You can see why I made the mistake. Yes, and wouldn't it be worse if you were? Like, what if he was like, I do. You got me. I think it taps into...

the stereotypes, perhaps, that we're afraid of. Like, I'm trying to think of where would I be that I'd have that reaction. Maybe at Chippendales, or... Where I'd be like, no, fuck! Thunder down under! I have a BFA, yeah. That's a compliment, though, if they're like, do you work here? I suppose, yeah, that's not a great example, but... You're kind of insulting the people who do work here by getting that angry. Yeah, exactly. I mean...

Also, people say it to me. I don't give a shit. I'm like, oh, no, I don't. Sometimes I'm like, the bathroom's that way. Yeah, you try to help. I'm with the comedy cell that people are like, I'm not the bouncer, but I'll fucking show you where the bathroom is. Yeah, why not? I don't get why I got so angry. I don't work here, but I can tell a fucking Phillips head from a standard, so what can I do for you? There you go. Home Depot.

Do you have any recs, Nick? Oh, yeah. I do. I mean, I'll tell you what I'm listening to right now. The...

Premier short story writer in our country right now is named George Saunders. He's amazing. I like George Santos. He's got really great stories. He also is great at fiction. Creative. George, he won the Man Booker Prize for his one novel called Lincoln and the Bardo. But here's the wreck. Go onto your channels and listen to him read his own stuff.

For being the preeminent, like the scholarly, you know, short story writer who studied under Tobias Wolfe at Syracuse. And now he teaches at Syracuse. He sounds he sounds like the most down to earth, like Chicago guy. Yeah. And if you listen to him read his stuff and my rec to just give you an appetizer, speaking of guac.

is a story of his called Fox 8. It's a short story. If you can, read along because there's some tricks to the way it's written that are visual. But you hear him read his stuff and he's just so funny and brilliant. And most of all, I learn empathy from him. He also has this great commencement speech that came out as a little book called Congratulations, By the Way.

So these are short takes, but I'm telling you, he's so funny, but it's also medicinal. All right. So this graduation speech is basically just about kindness, which again, like my soil material, it doesn't sound like super sexy and funny, but he's...

he's just a hero to me. The way that he, in the same way that Mike Schur exudes kindness with his television comedy, George does it with his fiction. - But it's not corny kindness either. It's like, it feels sincere. - It's real. - I think some shows do, they kind of beat you over the head with it where it just doesn't even feel real. Didn't he write the thing about the two test subjects who were having sex?

Yes, yes. What's that called again? It was so good. Well, is it the one that Hemsworth made into a movie? I didn't see the movie, but yeah, I think so. Yeah, it's called like... Pull it up. Saunders test subjects having sex.

Yeah, escape or something. It was escape from something. It's so good. It's so funny and weird and like... And his big number one... No, Spiderhead. Spiderhead. It's really good. He's going to get blown by eight women. Yeah, so his stuff is kind of futuristic, but really banal and funny. So, for example, in the future...

where there are like theme parks, like we have Colonial Williamsburg. There will be future things where people are like live. Things are so shitty that some people live in the theme park and they, their job and their life is they live as like a cave dweller. Oh, interesting. And so it's like normal banal language of like, okay, day 721. Yeah.

The green food paste is blah, blah, blah. And you fall in love with your co-worker. So he takes the banality of daily life and then just gives it the most incredible stakes of love and loss. And hearing him read his own stuff, even though he has this really everyman voice, is just gorgeous. I'm re-listening right now to his book, The Tenth of December. Yeah.

which is like, there's a, one of the best stories in it called the, the something diaries, simpler for diaries or something like that. It's cool in the future to order Asian girls and you string them up in your yard and they, and they do it with like,

glass fibers that feed them and sustain their life. And it's a status thing. So the more girls you have on your clothesline, and so it's just people trying to deal with like, we do shit that weird as a society. It's like, I have large hoops in my earlobes. It's just extrapolating to the nth degree. So it's people trying to deal with the reality of like,

are they okay? Like, is this, is this, is this not fucked up? And the, the, the, um, the sophisticates are, are like, what are you talking about? Like we are leaders in this community. We have 17 girls. Yeah. In our yard. Interesting. It's really fun. He's really, I've read some of the stuff and he's amazing. I, I'm definitely going to check this out. And, and there was another book you sent, uh,

The Walter Berry thing I saw you talk about in the news this morning. A Wendell Berry. A Wendell Berry. I just ordered it because I'm curious now. But, you know, I love George Saunders, what I've read. So I'm going to check out this book. Wendell Berry is – I had lunch with him yesterday in Kentucky. He is my hero who I also have befriended. He and his wife, Tanya, and they have a farming program.

and if you want to know what's going on with our country and uh where our food comes from and and how we should be paying attention to our farmers agreed uh start with his book uh the unsettling of america which you can hear an audio version in a voice that sounds a lot like this one right here um

And then also sort of dovetailed with him is Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma. Oh. It's that...

These books are incredible where you'll never be able to go to the grocery store the same again. Yeah. And all it comes down to is beginning to understand which food is good for you and which isn't, which is being made for a profit rather than for nutritional value. We need that stuff because I went to Europe for a month.

I can't eat bread here. I feel horrible. I eat bread over there. I was fine. It's incredible. I mean, just because they didn't let industrial consumerism take over some of their food systems. They do, like, their capitalists desperately want to become American. Oh, really? There are factions there. Because of the money. In grocery stores, yeah, because you get rich. And they're like, fuck nutrition. Like, fuck your family. Yes. I'm making money.

I know, it's terrifying. I've been drinking tap water my whole life. Then you see all this stuff about fluoride and you're like, Jesus, what are you doing to the American people?

So, yeah, I don't have great comedy recs, but I have great life hack recs. I got a good movie rec for you guys. Sometimes I'll just watch, I'll be on the road or on like a flight and I'll just watch like old Siskel and Ebert from the 90s. There's something so calming about watching them. They're so good together. Was it Night at the Theater? What do they call it? I don't remember the name of the show, but they're just together. They're so passionate and great. And one of the movie recs,

that they threw out at the movies. They threw out a movie right there. I was like, all right, this sounds good. Let me watch it. It's called Red Rock West with Nicolas Cage and Dennis Hopper. It's so fucking good. It's like a weird, obscure noir from the 90s. Highly recommend. Really? Loved it. I'm in. Okay, good rec. I'll check it out. It's really cool. It's Dennis Hopper being a psycho and Nicolas Cage being, you know, Nicolas Cage. Brooding. It's really cool. With probably some gorgeous Utah scenery. Yeah, it's awesome. Is it David Lynch-y?

A little bit. It's, you know who did it? That guy, John Dahl. What else did he do? Last Seduction. Oh. That was a pretty cool movie. And I mean, you know, for the sake of fair play, let's doff our caps to Laura Flynn Boyle. She's awesome. Oh, I love Flynn Boyle. She can do comedy, too. Yeah, I mentioned this to Colin Quinn yesterday, and he was like, I used to know her. She's very cool. Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was in Men in Black. Yep. Another book rec, too, because it's coming out this weekend, so...

Killers of Flower Moon. Read that before the movie comes out. The book is fucking incredible. So highly recommend. Oh, is that the Scorsese? Yeah. The movie's coming out this month, but the book is insane. It's like a true crime. It's like a true crime, a noir, a murder mystery. It's incredible. I love it. So I'm reading his other book, his newer book now, but David Graham, incredible writer. This and the Napoleon movie.

I'm like jerking off to the trailer. Dude, I can't wait. Joaquin Phoenix is Napoleon. I know. Amazing. It's going to be so cool. I know. I hope that that is presaging me as Teddy Roosevelt. Please, God. Yes. Well, we know you have to get there. What show are you doing next? Great question.

Oh, where am I going next? I have the rest of the day off. Oh, good. The next two days, I'm doing a bunch of like The View and Today Show and...

Seth Meyers. I was supposed to do Colbert, but I got bumped when the strike ended. They were like, we're going to do way bigger, cooler shit than have you on with your paperbacks. So they shunted me to Seth Meyers, who, you know, is a real champagne problem. Right. Like, oh, no, I got have to do another primetime network show.

Well, check out Nick's book. Get the book. We're big fans. And the audio book. He does it. And we have some dates for the comedy tour. Oh, humorous tour. Right on. Okay. Oh, the 8th? So we have Los Angeles on the 7th. Then we have Windsor, Ontario on October 19th.

And you're up in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which I've never heard of. Just outside the Twin Cities. I've played that casino before. It's a nice casino. I love it. And then Brooks, California on October 21st. Outside of Sacramento. And then on to Baltimore. That's a great road to work. Baltimore, legendary road. That's north of Miami. 26.

I think. Wow, that's a good spot. Good room. Guys, drink our Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Thank you so much, Nick, for coming on, man. My pleasure. Thanks for having me, gentlemen. Great scotch. All right. All right.

Thank you, man. Good app. What an app. Guys, you can see me on tour. I'll be November 4th at the theater at Madison Square Garden. That's a big one. There's still some tickets available. Also, late October, you can see me in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Columbus, Cleveland, and then I will be all over Australia in November. You can see me in Tampa, Fort Myers, Virginia,

Vegas at the win in December. Philly in January. I mean, I'm going to be everywhere, truly everywhere. So Blue Room in Springfield, Missouri, December 28th through 30th. Buffalo as well, your hometown, Matt, in December. All over, Omaha, Dallas, Dania Beach, Madison, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Michigan.

Irvine, California, Salt Lake City, and that's all leading up to my special which will be on sale later this month in Boston in March. So see you on the road. Now go to Mark's. Mark Norman. You could see this guy everywhere. Man, he's got to get bigger font on his website. Yeah, you got to go to the city though.

Zoom in on the city. Zoom in on the city? Yeah, right there. Hershey, Tacoma, Oklahoma City, Mark Norman. You can see him in Dallas, Portland, Maine, Providence, Cleveland. He's going to be in Grand Rapids, Denver. Two shows in Denver. Look at that shit. Grand Junction, Colorado. Yeah. Hartford, Connecticut.

What's at the bottom? Conquer New Hampshire, Mobile, Alabama, and hometown hero, New Orleans, Louisiana, Mark Norman. She's got a piss, so I started reading yours. Oh, all right. I'm ready. What else you got there? Sacramento, Santa Rosa. Sacramento, two shows, Omaha, Kansas City, Norfolk, Baltimore, Birmingham, Shreveport, Tampa, Jacksonville, Columbus, Ohio, Indianapolis, Lexington, Kentucky, Charlotte. We don't have to do the whole MarkNormanComedy.com. New dates added.

You don't say tour. Come on by. It's going to be a hot one. New hour. Hell yeah. Same here. I'm gearing up for that one at samuel.com slash shows. Buy Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Nick Offman was awesome. Great ep. And thanks for listening, guys. Hell yeah. Bodega Cat. All right. Let's bring a weenie down. Weenie. Woman's talking danger. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't.