EP 147: Roy Wood Jr.
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You want to get into it? Sure. All right, let's rock. Where were you? I was here this weekend. Oh, nice. I was just doing the cellar. I'm back out tomorrow. Where are you going? Well, is there even any point in saying on this? Because it's going to be... This is coming out so far, right? I'm just curious. Oh, Burlington, Albany, Providence, Northampton, Mass. Woo! But it's fun. I'm like, you know, what? Are we on or can I just... Yeah, we're on. What? I don't want to talk about some bullshit. Well, this is some bullshit. Let's hear it. So...

Should he turn that off maybe? Oh, fuck. Sorry. So, got one job here. I have a niece. Yeah. And I was like, she lives in Northampton. And I was like, oh, my friend Sam's coming. Would you like to go see him? I bet I could arrange it. Yeah. And she said, no, thank you. Ah.

I've gotten that before. I've gotten that too. Yeah. But we'll follow this under shit you could have kept to yourself. Yeah, right. I don't know if we needed to hear this. But no, I was like, what's going on? She was like, well, I just don't want to see any more male comics. She's fucking 14. Wow. How many male comics have you seen? Enjoy seeing Barbie for the 14th time. The brain is poison. The young mind.

Yeah, what are you going to do? Male comedian? You're blocking out a whole gender? She doesn't even want to see Chris D'Elia. He'll be crushed. What about gay comics? They're male. Black comics? It's so stupid. It's such an ignorant outlook. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, who cares? Very negative, very closed-minded. Try it. I'm sad I'll be down her in the audience. What a loss that'll be. No, I had that once in Boston. I remember my dad, I sold out. It was the first time I sold out all the club shows in Boston, and I texted my dad. We have a lot of family there, and I said, does anyone want tickets? And he said, I just asked, and they said they're good. Oh!

Damn. Now they ask for tickets, though. Uh-huh. Now they ask. Interesting. What do you think changed? The Netflix? I don't know. I think they probably thought this was like a phase for me, and then they're like, because you would get that. Remember when you're starting out, you'd have those family members who would be like, you still doing this? I'm like, it's been 11 years. Yeah. What do you mean I'm still doing this? I know. I had the friends growing up, the high school bro, mook,

you know, nut job friends, jerk off buddies. They came and saw me once. They yelled fag the entire time. And then I never saw him again at a show because they thought it was a phase. They were like, he'll be done with this. Oh, so they thought they were like roasting you out of it. They thought they were like helping. I had that too. I bombed a roast and the clips were online. I was like 21 and everyone, all these kids would like post it like, ha ha, like mocking me. It was like, all right, well this will get him out. I'm like,

No, I need to do this. Yes. But a lot of those people that are shaming you for failing at this aren't taking any risks in their life. So, you know. Yes. It's like their own bullshit, but, you know. That's what it is. Because the friends that supported me were like, that's cool you're doing that. Right. And then guess what? If you are meant to stop, you either stop or here's a punishment. You fail at what you love. Ooh.

T-shirt. Put it down. But no, it's true. I mean, also in NOLA, there's like a real, I think Boston has a little of that too, where there's like, we don't want you to go past us, so we're going to keep you down. You can't be doing arts. You know, we're mechanics. That's not what Good Will Hunting taught me. Yeah. He wanted him to thrive. Those were good friends. Yeah. Affleck's a good guy in that movie. Yeah. Got to see about a girl. They gave him the car. Yeah. My friends never gave me a car.

I always want to do like a spoof of that where I'm like, I got to see about a girl. And then it cuts to me not knowing how to drive and the car just explodes. Is there any chance that story comes from somewhere? The story about like, my dad came up to beat me. He had the belt, something else, and the wrench. And I picked the wrench because fuck him. Is there any chance some kid got beat with a wrench? Well, he'd be dead. He'd be dead with the wrench. I love Louie's bit about Good Will Hunting. Oh, yeah. Because it's so true. I mean, there is an arrogance to just casting yourself as genius. Right.

It's such a good bit. Genius, handsome, tough guy. Yeah, exactly. He's got his flaws that he hasn't dealt with his shit. Yes. He seems pretty damn good. Yeah, exactly. And then guess what? He deals with his shit. Now he's perfect. Don't fuck with me, Sean. Stop fucking with him, Sean. Great scene. I'm writing a character. I'm like, huge dick, eight-pack abs.

No one understands his genius. Yeah. It's like fucking Louie nailed it. Right. Yeah. Everybody wants to, the older guys like we need to, you know, tamp you down and get out of with the drunks and come hang out with us. And he's like, I can't, I got to get out of here. I don't even want to use my genius. That's how smart he was. He was like, I'm done with it. Yeah. That was the genius. It wasn't the, it wasn't the theories or whatever. It was leaving. Right. That was it.

When I was a janitor, I had a boiler room and I had a bunch of shit written, like joke ideas written down. Are you serious? On a chalkboard? Yeah, like a whiteboard that I stole out of another room. And I had it going and some guy came in and saw it and he wasn't like, that's hilarious. He was like, you're a piece of shit. You're a racist or whatever. Because, you know, it was a black joke, Puerto Rican joke. Black plus Puerto Rican equals funny. I know. What the hell is this shit? Yeah.

Exactly. You're like Einstein, you're figuring out theories. Yeah. That's what we are essentially trying to prove. That's what got me into comedy was Chris Rock taking a weird hypothesis and everyone in the premise being like, mm-mm.

And then by the end they're being like, all right. That's what comedy was. And they're laughing. They reluctantly kind of have to give it to you. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So I relate it to Goodwill, except for the genius part. That was a good year for movies. That was like that, as good as it gets. Not my favorite movie, but fucking Titanic was huge.

Boogie Nights that year. Wow. That was a load. The 90s were fucking. Dude, I watched True Romance the other day. I hadn't seen it in years. That movie still rocks. Oh, it's great. The Christopher Walken speech. Oh, my God. Where's Dennis Hopper? Both of them. Okay. But Dennis Hopper's doing the dialogue. I mean, it's amazing that he's just insulting him by calling him the end. I mean, the 90s were a different time. Yeah. I don't know if you're getting away with that monologue anymore. No.

with a Sicilian monologue. Yeah, as I say, I don't think you can pull that off anymore. Salicus pulls up the monologue. You're getting a lot of trouble for that. Let's play it real quick. No, but dude, we...

That scene's great. And then, I mean, fucking Gary Oldman as a Jamaican drug dealer. Fucking amazing actor. Amazing. And I think Chris Penn is great in that. Dude, in Tom Sizemore, the two cops are dead. Oh, yeah. But also, Samuel L. Jackson's got like three lines and they're all hilarious. It's like, Samuel L. Jackson...

Anything Tarantino has to do with, he fucking crushes. That's true, because he was in Goodfellas, but he didn't have one good line. Yeah. And his shakes. But yeah, Chris Penn over Sean Penn any day. Really? Oh, yeah. I love Chris Penn. Oh, come on. This is crazy. I love Chris Penn. That's a bold take. And we're going Penn. I love Penn State, too. Great team. I like what they did, also. I thought it was very good. Paterno. But yeah, good.

Great movie. I just watched, I was on a flight. There's no good movies on a flight. I've seen everything. Which airline are you on? I'm on United. Well, that's why there's no, they got like 12 movies. Delta's got a shitload. Delta's pretty good. But United's sick. United 93 was on. Weird choice. But I watched Slumdog Millionaire. That's a fun one. Pretty good.

Danny Boyle. Best picture. First time you saw it? First time I saw it. Oh, wow. Because I was like, well, it's the best picture. I'll give it a shot. And I wasn't really excited about it, but I got into it. I loved it. A little 2008, though. Very 2008. But it's got heart. It's a feel-good movie. Good heart and good structure, the way they do the game show, and he goes back to the memories and everything. But the woman has zero character development. She says three words. He even calls her at the end of the lifeline, and she goes, I don't know.

Her big contribution was not knowing. The woman is like a complete idiot. I feel like a lot of women in movies, like then and before, were just like, their name was Woman. Yes. In script, it was like Woman. Right. But she's like the lead woman. They're like, just call her Woman. Lead lady. She's hot as hell. So you just found a hot lady. Yeah, what's her name again? She was smoking. Smoking hot Indian gal. She had a moment, right? Did she? She deserved one with that mug. Like, I literally looked her up as Slumdog Millionaire Woman.

Rubina. Rubina Ali. I don't know. Maybe I was thinking of someone else. I don't think I saw her in anything else, but she was beautiful. Bring it on in there, Petey. They're called a whiskey... Hold on a second. Whiskey Sour? Whiskey Ricky. Whiskey Ricky. Thank you. All right. It is two parts whiskey.

Half part lime juice, four parts sparkling water. It's like a summer whiskey drink. It's a whiskey soda with lime. That's it. It's a great name though, Whiskey Ricky. Yeah. That's my dad's name. Ricky Henderson. Oh, yeah. You ever hear the story about Ricky Henderson? Oh, yes. You know what I'm talking about? About the helmet? Oh, we got two stories on Ricky, by the way. Here, cheers, by the way. How about Ricky? Ricky Dicky.

Tricky that's really good. Um, dude summer drink man. Why you put lime in anything? It's fucking good I'll put a lot put lime on a fucking vagina. Maybe that would hurt Either way I don't think it's true, but it might be true Yes, one of the things that's been told so many times Ricky Henderson, you know greatest maybe the greatest bass stealer ever amazing baseball player Yeah, just a speed demon instincts everything but uh

The story is, I think his first million dollar check or something crazy. One of his biggest checks is just framed and it wasn't like a Xerox of the frame. He framed the actual check. So they were like, no, that's cool. But like, that's money. Yeah. You got to. It's not a dollar bill at a restaurant. Yeah. That's a paycheck. Yeah. I love a pickle.

in baseball oh yeah i love a pit that's my favorite thing in baseball is the pickle because it's very metaphoric for life like how are you gonna get out of this one you got two problems and you gotta fix it i love it give me a good pickle what was your story man oh um so ricky henderson um was talking to john olrood when they played on the mets here we go baby he went under him oh we got a triple pickle whoa there's four guys going this is incredible

Did he make it? Oh, I got him. Oh, I got him. Well, he had a valiant effort. Was that Ricky?

That would be a hell of a turnaround. What the hell are you doing here? What is this? No, he just said play Pickle Rundown. Sorry, I just wanted to see a great pickle. So the Ricky Henderson story is he played with – so John Oldwood famously plays with a helmet in the field. Yeah, yeah. He was the Mets' first baseman. Exactly, but before they played in Toronto. And so now they're both on the Mets now. And he's been playing – Ricky's been playing with John Oldwood for almost the whole season.

and he goes up and he's like oh you wear a helmet in the field he's like I played with a guy in Toronto did the same thing he was like it was me that's hilarious didn't even know it was

I know who he's playing with. Wow. Wait, why is he wearing a helmet? I think he had like head trauma and his doctor was like, you can't take another hard ball to the head. So he's like, just wear the helmet in the field. Well, what's his name? Was it Hayward or whatever? The guy in the Braves had the... I don't know. If I played in the major league, I would definitely have the one that goes down over your face. Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't make any difference in swinging. I also never got guys who didn't... Like David Ortiz always wore the elbow protector.

You take a fastball to that elbow, it stinks. True, true. You lose all the feeling here for like two weeks sometimes. It's the worst. So it's like, yeah, I don't get it. Or, you know, shatter an elbow. Sure. Even worse. But, yeah, I never got that. I know, I know. I don't like the face, the chin strap. It doesn't look great. It's not a good, it's got a little bit of Downsy vibe.

I was just watching that Netflix Australian, or New Zealand, Down Syndrome people finding love. You sound, it wasn't my choice, it was a woman's choice, obviously. And I picked like 12 noirs in a row. I had to give her one. I don't know, it's darker. But dude, I'll tell you, the New Zealand Down Syndrome accent, so much better than the American. They sound so much better. Down Under Syndrome?

Downs under. Downs under. Because the New Zealand accent is thick as shit, and the Downs accent can be thick, and I wonder if they cancel each other out a little bit. Kind of like this lime in this cocktail. Yeah. Oh. Hey, we got Gillis on the left over there with the glasses. All right. Okay. Keep it rolling. Okay.

Oh, Joe List in the blue, by the way. Okay. Who we got on the right? Joe Pera? I'm closing this window. We're going to get canceled. All right. That's Sam after a rough set. My favorite movie. Can they see this? One of them. Dog Day Afternoon is hard to beat. Dude. Attica. Attica. Attica. So the Nazis were yelling about Anne Frank. Attica. All right. All right. Keep it moving. Three weeks in a row, Anne Frank. Three weeks in a row.

I love Anne. If she was around now, she'd have an OnlyFans. Anne, you're all right. You're all right, kid. I'll tell you. You're the one with no ventilation right now. I'm sweating. OnlyAnne's. OnlyAnne's. There you go. Auntie Anne's.

Never eat it. But it's like the opposite of the vagina. The smell ain't great, but the taste. I disagree. I feel like it's calling me. No, no, no. I meant the opposite. Oh, okay, okay. It smells so good. I float like Bugs Bunny. And then you eat it and you're just like...

That was horrible. It's a bad choice. But damn, and it's also, why is it open at 6 a.m.? How big a piece of shit are you to get the pretzel hot dog at 6 a.m.? Sometimes that place will be open and like a regular, like a,

More, you know, a place that would make sense to be open, isn't it? True. Airport travel, baby. Yeah, like Starbucks isn't open yet, but Auntie Anne's is pumping out that dough. I got a food-related peeve for you guys. Hit me. I got a peeve, too. Should we wait? I don't know if he's got peeves. All right, let's wait. Okay. Let's wait. I got a bunch. I got a bunch, too. I'm excited about one. This might be a peeve-heavy ep. Woo!

Wee, baby. He's not here, is he? Let me just put this phone on in case he texts me. Okay, I'll do the same thing. I'll give it a little look. Okay, nothing yet. Boy, I just got back from La La Land. Tinseltown. It's more fun these days. I used to hate it. Yeah, I used to hate it too, but it's great to visit. I mean, the people who live there seem a little bummed out. Not bummed out, but just a little detached.

- No, the second you walk in and you're like a person, they like flock to you. - That's true. - They're hungry for a real conversation. - That's so true. - Remember taking meetings in LA? I shouldn't be asking you, but we would really go all the time. - Yeah, brutal. - And you wouldn't even talk about a show, they'd be like, "The Knicks." And I'd be like, "I flew here."

Trying to sell a show. Yeah, so true. That's so true. They're so just deprived of any real contact there because it was like, they're isolated. Who's your agent? Yeah, they all live in their big houses up on the Hollywood Hills. No one, no one. They'll say, let's get lunch and they never do.

Because you live too. It is annoying. Like in New York. It's too comfortable. In New York, I'll come meet someone out of my neighborhood as long as it's not crazy far for lunch. In LA, sitting in traffic, dude. For a lunch with a guy you kind of know, it's not worth it. Yeah. But my point is, great. The crowds were there. They were full. We did the Ace Theater. It was killer. Ooh, that's beautiful. Yeah. New York was in town. It's like Tim Dillon comes out. Santino comes out. Did Bobby Lee. Did they do guest sets on your show?

No, I just did the store, so whoever they booked. Oh, okay. I thought you did the Ace. I did the Ace on Friday. Everybody was gone. Oh. I would love to have one of those guys jump on. Yeah, I teched Nick Swartzen to come out when I was doing the World Tour. Oh, really? And he goes, fuck you. I'm on the road. It's a weekend. I was like, well, just seeing if you were in town, we could hang. That's what I said, too. And I saw Nick Swartzen at the improv, and I went, hey, Nick. And he was walking by, and he went, eh.

Enough's enough. I got to go. And I was like, I get it. I get it. He's the best. He's a good egg. He was a little grizzled. But yeah, so Nikki and all the gang out there, it was a hell of a time. But you did a podcast run, didn't you? I did the biggest run. I was doing four a day. That's not good. Not good. Because by the end of it, you're like, have I said this? It was like a set. I was like, have I done this story? Ooh.

steve-o howie mandel bobby lee santino kreischer i did burt's wife leanne i just fucked her i didn't do it that one hung there for a second i was like who's gonna get it first it's like hungry hungry hippos you know right right i i did a trash tuesday i mean it was it was crazy i did i did them all i'm wiped yeah it's a good yeah yeah getting back it

Yeah, sorry. I think that was it. A lot. It's a lot. So many. I'm going out there, and I'm going to do not as many as you, but I'll do a few. I can't do that many. It kills me. It kills you. And then you, it's like you always say, we do the shows at night, and the shows are great because you get a break, but I get drunk as a reward. So then you're drunk, and now the publicist's hotel room, phone's ringing, phone's buzzing, and you're like, ah, and he's like, we got to go do Steve-O, and you're like, ah.

And you got to go do it all over again. Brutal. Damn. Yeah, I'm doing his. I don't really know him. He did ours, but I don't really know the guy. He's tough because it's in his van and it's 9 million degrees and there's about 17 guys in there with cameras and headsets and it's intimate. Yeah. Your knees are touching. So buckle up. Oof.

In the van. Yeah, he's a van guy. He'll pull up to your hotel, though, so that's cool. That's nice. But why in a van? That's like the theme? That's the theme. Steve-O Vano. He drives up and you get in. I don't know. It's like a mobile studio. You don't drive while you're doing it, then. No, no, no. He parks it. I guess it's kind of considerate if you don't want to go to a place. Totally. Totally.

That's one thing. That's one way to get out of an L.A. pod. Adam Ray's like, you got to do my pod. I said, I'll do it. But I'm slammed. I'll do it if you come to me. And he's like, I'll see you next time. Great. Yeah. No, it's tough. It's tough. There's no way to keep a van cool with like six guys in it and L.A. sun. It's just going to get hot, right? It's hot as balls. And it's one of those like when you push open the door, you know, you got to get that door open. You feel like a like a migrant crossing the border. Yeah.

Because he had a generator, but I think it was going in and out. So good luck. Damn. Yeah, those pods, man. They take it out of you. They really do. I just came from one, and I love it. When it's your friends, it's so easy. And then sometimes you meet someone you don't know well, and you're just riffing, and it's fun. But there's a lot where you're like, was that good? Yeah, exactly. I just put something that's going to live out forever. I had no chemistry. It's like putting out a bad date on the internet. Right.

You're like just letting a bad date live on YouTube. It's not good. So true. At least with a date, you got a bar there. Yes. And no one will ever see it again. And there's the possibility of sex.

Great point. Podcasts, everyone's going to see it, and no one's getting laid unless you blow Steve-O or Howie Mandel. Are they harder to do when you have something to push, or are they easier to do if you're just like, it's the same? What was hard is you forget about the cameras and the mics, and you start being yourself, and you're like, oh, you've got to cut all that out. I trashed my ex. I trashed my agent. I trashed every comic in America. So now it's unusable. It's not.

It's tough. And you're just out of juice. We got in this to be stand-ups, and then all of a sudden you're like a radio guy. Exactly. I wanted to write jokes. I don't want to be doing... It's amazing. It's great for showbiz that the landscape has become so wide open and so many people have these avenues. But now, I feel like back in the day you did Carson, and you're like, I'm good. That's my press tour. Totally. Maybe you did some morning radio or you did something, but like...

You know, now it's like you have to do a shitload because nothing is quite as big as that. Yep. But everything helps. Yep. So and as Colin Quinn brilliantly said, you can get in trouble for saying certain shit now and all we do is talk. Yeah. And record it. All they need is Wi-Fi. Yeah. That's what he said too. Yeah. It's...

To ruin you. And I don't want to get cunty, but I did Sickler. We love Sickler. Yeah, I love him. The honeydew, great pod. Great pod. Check it out. Yeah. But you show up and he goes, let's hear your story. And you got to tell this long story. And he goes, all right.

what's the next story? Then you tell his line and you're like, what are you doing? What are you, Byron Allen? You're like the white Byron Allen. You're getting all my stories and you're not chiming in and you get the views. He literally just said, I became too much myself. I shit talk and then what does he do? Shit talk. Well, I love sick. It's a great podcast. Great podcast. I mean, I did it and I was like, it was shit I'd never talked about because I told a story about, you know, a death that I witnessed and I was like, well, I've never talked about that. Epstein? Yeah.

Luckily that one's not on YouTube either. But no, that's a. Don't leave us hanging. But it's, you know. I did hear this great interview tactic when I was studying this, when I was starting to make documentaries, which is you ask a question, let them answer, and then don't ask your next question. And then they just go. Yeah, because they're nervous and they're like, well, I need to say something else. And that's when you get the good things. That's also great negotiation. You throw out a thing, they counter and you just stand there.

And everybody starts panicking, and they go, okay, okay, we'll go to yours. Well, sometimes you get people. I did an interview. You ever just do an interview that's so bad that you're like, how do you have a job? Like, I did a... It's funny, my publicist was like, it's like a small town radio station. She's like, he's been doing this for 40 years. I'm like, that's not a badge of honor. Right. He's a radio guy in a tiny-ass town. Yeah. Like, that's not a desired job. You know what I mean? So he just doesn't even do any research, this guy. So he's asking me questions that, like...

are just like half-assed. And it's like not even, at one point, you know, he's like, you did a podcast with Julian Edelman. I was like, yeah. He goes, you know, that night after the Super Bowl when he was passed out and the woman posted the picture of him. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, were you there too? And I was like,

No, it was the woman. The woman who was there. What are you talking about? I was like, what do you want me to do with this shit? Yeah, when they listen to one clip and they try to do a whole interview based off one clip. I had the same thing. A guy goes, so you fucked your teacher in college? Because that was one of my, this is not happening. And I was like, yeah, yeah, it was crazy. I tell the story again. He's like,

So what was that teacher like? And I'm like, we did the teacher. Ask me about New York or comedy or anything. But that's all he had. So I got this clip of Larry King who famously doesn't do prep. Oh, yeah. So this woman's talking about how she became a rape victim through abduction. Okay. Here's her story. Good comedy story. There we go. What happened again?

So she's saying he came up to me at the grocery store parking lot and grabbed me. This isn't like a roommate, I think. It sure was. Whatever, when you go in.

I picked the worst possible version of it. Is that in the video? Yeah, some guy's house. Okay. Okay, wait, pull up the Seinfeld one if you can, too. That's a good one. Okay, so anyway, so she's like, I was brutally raped and abducted. And he goes, what happened to the groceries? The groceries? Was there ice cream? It could melt.

That's one that doesn't really require preparation. That's like being a human. Yeah, right You just don't ask about food when someone says they got raped. Are you okay? Have you sought therapy? How's the family? What happened to the frozen peas? Oh Look how mad he is

This is my biggest fear. Oh, that was a dig. Jewish guy, Brooklyn. Well, you know... Wait! He was about to say that. You know, uh...

Yeah, I don't think he was really mad. I think he was just like, what are you doing? But it was pretty funny. Well, it's a journalist, a broadcaster. So if you said it... You asked if Seinfeld got canceled? Exactly. Come on. No. I mean, the amount of money probably turned down, right? It was crazy. Yeah. It was like a couple million and up.

But hey, you know. Yeah, he did all right. He did it at the right time because the show was getting weirder. That was part of Larry King's charm, though, I guess, is that he just didn't, he wasn't that bright, right? Yeah, he said, I want to go into it with the level of my viewer's knowledge. Ah, smart way to be lazy. That's a smart excuse.

That's how I handled homework as a kid. I was like, I'm just going to go in with a layman's approach here. By the way, both from Brooklyn. The Brooklyn alumni is bananas. Well, it's Colin Quinn, Chris Rock, Seinfeld, Jimmy Kimmel, Woody Allen, Larry David. Mel Brooks. Matt Salicus. Good one. Not to mention the athletes. Spike Lee. Great athlete. Stan Lee. I like Stan Lee.

I don't know. He's a New Yorker, I think. I think he's Queens. I think he's a Queens guy. I'll bet you. I'll bet you what? Five bucks. Deal. All right. Give me a Stan Lee BK. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, Marissa Tomei as well. And Harvey Keitel, I want to say. Jean-Michel Basquiat. Oh, wow. Joey Fatone. Oh, I met him. Give me Stan Lee. Where is he from? Oh, God.

Spider-Man is Queens. Oh, that's right. Peter Parker. Oh, God. Come on, Brooklyn. Manhattan. Oh, wow. We're both wrong. That's a draw. That's a draw. Where did he grow up, though? Did he grow up in Manhattan? Man, he lived long. He was like 95 or something, wasn't he? Wow. Look at that.

He, uh, it was funny when the woman, there was like a nurse dealing with him that accused him of sexual misconduct during like the height of Me Too. And I was like, he's 95. What'd he do, rap for a boob? Yeah. Yeah.

The corner of 98th and West End Avenue. Boom. Wow. Well, that's not... We both lost. Yeah. He's a fucking legend, though. Legend. The king. I mean, what is it? Spider-Man, Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, Iron Man. All those Marvel guys were early on. All those superhero people, they were Jews. All Jews. There were people that hid their secret identity when they came to America. It was very... That's good. Change your name. Change your name. Bob Klein? Bob Klein?

No, Bob Kane. Bob Kane. Yeah. He's Batman. Yeah. Is he? He's got to be Jewish. Yeah. And then the Superman is Jewish. Yay, Roy! He's from Cleveland. Hey, we got our guest here. Roy Wood. Where's the music? Boy. I'm sorry for being black and late. CPT, baby. You only have to apologize for one. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Good to see you, man. What's going on, motherfucker? You've lost weight. Walking, bro. Fucking fatherhood. That'll do it. That'll make you lose weight? My son is seven now. He's got a bike. And if your kid gets a bike, you gotta get a fucking bike. Otherwise, you're jogging.

next to the kid. Right. So we ride the bike up and down the west side of the highway. So that's giving me a couple of caloric deductions. You're already a better father than my dad. I've never seen that man on a bike. He gave me a bike and he kicked me out of the house. My dad rode a bike, but this is how he taught me to ride a bike. I went down once. We were in the park. I went down, zipped,

Into a tree, went flying. He was like, you're not a bike rider. That was it. So I can't ride a bike really. Promoted giving up early. Really? You can't like- I can't drive either. You ever tried? During the pandemic when people were like, don't go on the subway at the height of it. Yeah.

Without a mask I was like fuck it I'll become a bike guy so I city biked a couple times down to like the cellar and I was like scraped up all over the arm because people are fucking reckless on that on that West Side Highway I mean if you don't know what you're doing people are fucking Cruising what I figured out on the bike like I really don't ride that much in this city for that reason but I will ride when it's high traffic because everything is more predictable and

Because it's congested. So even if you hit me, it's going to be under 10 miles an hour. That's good. In theory, I should live. Yeah. You do a helmet? Yeah. Got to. I don't want to be that guy. Yeah, fine. I'll be nerd. Like, you're not getting pussy off a bike anyway. So this idea of looking cool, there's no one going to DM you. I couldn't help it. Lance Armstrong. He was nutting that cancer all over Sheryl Crow. Yeah.

Sorry. Keep going. I forgot what kind of podcast it was. He was the best. He had to be the best. There's always one of anything. Yeah. Yeah, but like- I bet there's a scooter that could pull some country music ass. Oh, yeah. If he's number one. Definitely. The trick is to look crazy on the bike, so I'll ride wrong way.

And then it makes people watch for me more than not thinking about me. That's a good move. That's my move. Middle of the street. I do the same shit in weird neighborhoods. I walk in the middle of the street. I do that too. It was a safety aspect to walk in the middle, ironically. You have to... You're not going to sneak me from...

Behind some fucking stoop exactly come out in the street and let's fight. Yeah, right, right I don't like all the scooting going on and the bike riding like just on regular understand the highway But like used to be able to cheat a red light in the city and now these people come out of nowhere go in the wrong way True. Yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely part of the problem But I'm alive

Yeah. I think that's the important thing. Like, that's what I always feel. I do city bike from spot to spot. It's the best thing for getting around for shows. Yeah. I don't know. Like, it's just strictly to feel like I'm doing something with my son. Also, he plays tennis, so I guess I got to learn that shit, too. Damn. So he plays tennis. He's playing. But classes. He's not, like, freaking Andy Roddick at seven. Right. He's...

he's pretty no he's a winner yeah but uh he had a good run no he was he was a great player but he's you know i've lost a lot of big ones basketball with your son in the park yes this is a good dad yeah yeah that's what that's what you know like if you see a kid with a good jump shot you know there's a man in his life

And that's what I want people to know about my son. Like, if I die too soon, check out that J-Dog. I heard Chris Rock once. NBA kids who had no dad, huh? Come on. Well, I remember Chris Rock once. I've heard him say at the cellar one night, he goes, Steph Curry is Allen Iverson with two parents. I was like, God damn. Chris Rock. He's got the best sports. He just summarizes everything. And when you're like, shit, Chris Rock would have been the best sportscaster, too. Totally.

Totally. Could you imagine him and Burr in the booth doing something? I feel like I saw that on the Chappelle show. Yeah. The racial draft. That's what it was. Oh, yeah. That was epic. That was great. It's the closest thing you'd get to that. Yeah, Burr is cold with that shit. He's so good at it. And he could do any sport. I know. He loves sport, but he would get fired for saying cunt. Come on, you missed the puck, you cunt. Yeah.

Yeah, like that guy from the Orioles. Was it the broadcaster Kevin Brown got fired? What did he say? He got suspended, and all he was doing was talking about how bad the Orioles are traditionally against the Rays. He didn't say anything slanderous. He was just like, every time we come to Tampa, we lose. We haven't won since here, and that was the last time we won. Yeah.

Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible team when we're here. And they fired him for that? They suspended him. What? He's back now. But yeah, they were like, yeah, man, don't talk bad about us. I think when Donald Sterling came out, they were like, all right, we got to rehire this guy. We're good now. Remember Jimmy the Greek? Only talk about how good we are. Yeah. Jimmy the Greek had a hell of a flub. What was that? He said the quick twitch.

Remember that? Oh, yeah. Quick Twitch, and then Cosell got in trouble for saying, like, a run, monkey, run. Well, that's a bad one. That was a different time. What about sports? Sports.

Well, they've got everything. If they take over coaching like everybody wants them to, there's not going to be anything left for the white people. The white control is the coaching job. Now, I'm not being derogatory about it. No. That's kind of a compliment. There's only going to be left for the white man. That ain't good. Wait till he sees Tiger. You know what? Speaking of the white man.

And I know it's not time to like run bits, but- Please. You can run them whenever you want. But it segues nicely. Do you think part of, and this is just a thesis, it's very loose. It tracks fairly decently on stage, but do you think part of the uprising that we're having with-

the awakening that white men are having in this country. The capital rioting. Yeah, I'm talking like the outdoorsy white men. Yeah. The ones that show up to protest gay cakes. By the way, outdoorsy, you'd think they'd be a little tanner. They're always very pale. Good point. Because they cover their faces. That's right. There you go. That'll do it. Do you think the lack... Is there...

a legitimate white American male action movie star. Chris Pratt. Right now. On the karate shit, though. On some lone wolf. Wick I don't respect because the suit's bulletproof. Is it? Yeah. I never watched it. His suit's bulletproof. I'm talking Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal. Charles Bronson. Yeah, like just one man against an entire group of minorities. We got Neeson.

Liam Taken. But he's old as shit. He's old. Is he American? I thought he's... No, he's Scottish, I think. Fuck. And I think white American men, we gotta give them back their lone wolf action heroes. Who could do it? Who's like the guy?

That's like, what about Statham? He's British. Fuck.

Like, I can't fucking think of just one white dude. There's not like a Bruce Willis. Yeah. Right. Paul Walker died. Fucking asshole. Let's see. Even he was ensemble. Yeah, true. Like Sylvester Stallone. Okay, Italian. I don't want to roll him into the white burrito. But fucking Sylvester Stallone, he beat up black people for three straight films. We know I think part of the problem is that all the dudes are still working. Like Stallone's still doing shit, man.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Stallone. But like Van Damme, bro. Fucking Van Damme. Which is not American. It's like I did Conan with Van Damme once. And I can tell when a segment before me is dying because Conan was like I could tell he was giving him nothing. So Conan's like, why don't you try and move on me? And I'm like, oh, this is bad. Oh, that is this one's bombing of Conan's like kick my ass. This is the only thing I have to go with. Ha ha.

I somehow ended up down a rabbit hole of Chuck Norris films from the 80s. Right. And missing in action was like what Chuck Norris was. And like part of the issue with the bit on stage is that I have to stop and reset who Chuck Norris was at that time.

to most people under the age of 40, really under 35. - Sure. I don't really know Chuck Norris. - Oh, Delta Force. - I never saw it. - 'Cause I'm 44, so we're writing that Schwarzenegger transition into muscle action. Chuck Norris wasn't muscle action guy. He was just brute, regular built dude who knew a bunch of fucking karate and could kick your ass.

So in Missing in Action 2, there's a scene where the Vietnamese, like the premise of the movie, of that whole franchise, is Chuck Norris going back to Vietnam to rescue POWs. He goes back by himself and just break our boys out. Great premise. It's basically extraction. It's Hemsworth extraction for the 80s. Yes, and it's very patriotic. We got to get our people back. Correct. The Vietnamese are lying and they're saying there's no more POWs. There are camps.

I'm gonna prove it, so I'm gonna go over there by myself and rescue the boys. - Yes! - And there's a fucking scene, bro. I don't know. I think it was part two. Try searching missing in action rat. - I think this is why Joe Rogan is so popular.

Because he knows karate. And he's fucking American. And he's ripped, and he's tattooed, and he's smoking weed. And that's when the audience moans. Yes! He hits every bass. That's a good point. I gotta tell you, I don't know anything about RFK Jr.'s politics, but when he's doing push-ups in jeans, it goes back to that 80s kid in me. I'm like, oh shit, he's tough. So, in this scene...

This is a torture scene from back in Vietnam era. Oh, boy. They've got a rat that they've starved. Oh! And then they put the rat in a bag. They hang the POW upside down. And they put it in his head? And they put the bag over its head, and the rat is literally trying to fucking eat you because it's starving. Right. So it's just a classic torture scene. We don't have to... Like, it's fucking visceral as fuck, and so the rat's all...

And then at the end of the scene, do I want to spoil it? Please spoil it. Okay. So at the end of the scene, just scrub forward. Chuck Norris has killed the fucking rat with his fucking mouth. They pulled the bag off his head. They think Chuck Norris is dead. You wonder where xenophobia comes from.

Got it. Whoa, he got him. That's fucking cool. That's a fucking man. That's a fucking American man right there. And we've gotten away from that type of action movie. And I feel like when you don't have lone wolves on screen, you get lone wolves in real life. Ooh. True. And you need that. Representation matters. Every minority group talks about how empowered I felt when I saw someone like me on screen. Yep. And we've taken that away. Have Jews ever had an action star? No.

I'm going to sit this one out. Harvey Weinstein. He was doing a lot of action. Well, I think taking action was his problem. Yeah, agreed. I'm trying to think. Have we had anyone? Elliot Gould was, like, cool. Elliot Gould was cool, but he never fought anybody. There was the white guy. Oh, James Caan. Is he? Yeah, he's Jewish. Tough Jew. Last one. Little Rocky Sockham. The fucking rules. He was like Liam Neeson 1.0 for a minute. Right.

Yeah, he was Sonny in The Godfather. Look how sexist we are. Wonder Woman. She's Jewish. She's an action star. Oh, there you go. But that's a fucking... Gal Gadot. That's a fucking... But we're talking American Jew. Isn't she Israeli? She's Israeli. All right, we're talking American. Who was the white guy from Enter the Dragon? Is it Robert something? Is it Chuck Norris? Is it not this? No, no. No, he's in a different movie. No, that's Way of the Dragon. I'm talking... Oh, yeah. There was... In Enter the Dragon, there was a white guy who was going blow for blow with Bruce Lee.

And that was, like, fucking pretty badass. Yeah. That was the guy in The Crow. Yeah, just pull up the cast of Enter the Dragon. I don't want to be a white guy. But, yeah, I think he got something. And UFC, I think, is very popular because of this. It's just fucking karate and brute force. Yeah. And people love it. Shit-talking, too. Look how popular Conor McGregor got, you know? Right. And we don't have that in action films anymore. Every action franchise... Like, I would argue the last legit...

would maybe be like Jason Bourne. Oh, that's a good one. I forgot about that. Those are good fucking movies. When it was time to throw down hand to hand, Bourne would throw down. I mean, that was more...

Wasn't necessarily martial arts type shit. So funny that he's our fucking bat. There's like Bruce Lee and they're like, who do you guys have? We're like Matt Damon, the guy from Good Will Hunting. In a sweater with a backpack full of passports. And I will fucking defeat you. He's like, is that dogma? Oh, shit. So there's a list of Jewish...

action star is pretty thin. It's like Rob Reiner. That's hilarious. Ezra Miller, he's like a pedophile or something. But Ansel Elgort's on there. Hell yeah. That's his cousin. Okay. From Baby Driver, right? Baby Driver. He's Jewish? He's his cousin. I didn't know. Wow, that could fade out. Kirk Douglas was whooping ass like that? He's Jewish? Wow.

I've heard this awesome story about one of my favorite movies is Out of the Past from the 50s with Robert Mitchum and Kirk Douglas. And I saw the TCM like behind the movie thing. And it was Robert Mitchum's son. And he was like, yeah, Mitchum never liked Kirk Douglas because he was kind of like this A-list, like cocky, wasn't too cool to the people on set. But Robert Mitchum was apparently the fucking man. I heard this story about Mitchum. His son was telling...

He runs away from home when he was 11 because he felt guilty. They were so poor. He didn't want to be another plate of food for his family. So he lived on like... He learned how to act by living on railroads and shit. And just studying people and being like, oh, this is how they act. And he was like, acting classes are bullshit. You can just watch people and pick up what they do. But that's the most tragic start ever.

You know, Douglas versus Mitchum. One of the coolest movies ever, by the way. I love that kind of shit. Also, by the way, all these old Jewish guys like Mel Brooks and Bud Friedman, they all did... They served. They were all in the war and shit. They all did military time. Yeah.

That's kind of over. But that took a toll. Like all these people that we were like, they served and then they come back. Because you watch old movies and they're like, did you serve? And they'll just casually be like, yes. And like, if I served, that would be like all I talked about. That would be it. I'd be like Goodman and Lebowski. I would never fucking stop. They served back when you could get a good blow job from serving. Like you could come home. True. True. I was one of the fighting boys overseas. Oh, were you now? Right. Yeah.

You could dip a woman in Times Square and she wouldn't say no. That's what I've heard. It's like troops now, they'll keep it a secret until they know you. Right. That's true. A lot of crew on set is a lot of veterans and shit. A lot of productions they hire. Crips and shit. Yeah.

And it'll be like the fourth week of production. Oh, yeah, anyway, I was in Fallujah. Right. And that's how I learned to do this with the lights. Exactly. Jesus Christ. Those dudes are always awesome. They're always like salt of the earth, no ego, the most humble, just hardworking guys. Well, it's an egoless job. You're like part of this greater thing, right? You're like part of a team. You were great in Fletch, by the way, talking about movies. That was a good time, man. That was a fun movie. Jon Hamm was legit crazy.

cool yeah isn't it a good feeling when you work with someone they're actually like oh thank god you're as advertised right he was talking you up on some talk show and i was like what a cool thing to see him say what a good actor you are and so it was it was it was dope we were in boston for like a month and a half just riding around shooting and i've never seen like celebrity like that where it's like

people already love him yeah but it's not like let's take a picture oh my god it's just like fucking trash truck guys right to me that's fame yes totally when you want yeah when it's like a working class person who you know only has three hours of free time a week

Yeah. And they fuck with you. That's a good point. That means you've made it into their small funnel of outside of work and parenting and fucking marriage counseling or whatever else they do. Yeah, that's true. And Jon Hamm's one of those guys too where I'm like, everybody's like, he's so funny, but he's good looking. So I was like, shut up. But then he is. He's good in Bridesmaids and he's funny in movies and stuff. He was on 30 Rock a couple times. He was great in that too. He was great. And I was like, damn, he is funny, but I didn't buy it because he's so handsome.

Yeah, he was cool. I hope they do some sequels to it. I know that's a Paramount IP, the whole Fletch empire. That was like a passion thing for him, right? Yeah, yeah. Him and the director Greg Mottola. Like Greg Mottola who did Superbad. Oh, yeah. He's just passionate about whodunit caper type shit. I love those types of movies. But they got it done. I know that.

I don't know all the ins and outs of the funding of it, but I know it was like one of those, they barely got it to the finish line type passion projects. And then they got it and then everybody loved it. But it was a slow burn too. Cause you know, we got fucked because of COVID. Like a lot of people. Oh, cause it was a comedy in theaters. You mean? No. Yeah. It didn't get to theaters. They like, ah, let's just not, let's just go. It was like limited. Like,

10 cities for a week and a half type thing. That's a bummer. And then immediately straight to Showtime. Yeah. Did he... I mean, he's a comedy guy though, Jon Hamm, right? He must have knew who you were. Yeah. He's actually seen me at the Cellar. You know who else...

a weird face to see at the cellar and just throws you off. Gerard Butler. Yeah, he's there sometimes. Oh, he's there a lot. Yeah. Wait, is he American? He's a rock'em sock'em. He's an action star. I don't know. What's funny you were saying action stars because I'm thinking like Fletch is, he's like a journalist so he's not like a, he's like a figure it out with his brain type of guy. Right, comedy. Yeah. Chevy Chase from the UK. Yeah, he's a brick. Ah!

Tom Hardy too is a Brit, I believe. But he looks at you just like that the whole time you're on stage. That's terrifying. That's what my dad looked at me when I'd come home. Like, Gerard Butler comes to the Comedy Cellar and then stares at you like you're giving the wrong answers in an interrogation. Where's the comedy?

Where's the microfiche? And then he'll smirk at the end of your full 10-minute set, and you know that's the equivalent of a stand-in. It's weird when you see a famous person. I just hate when they see them in the front row, because I'm on stage the other night, and I'm like... This is him and Will Silvins talking. Hold on. Ah, you can't see it. Yes.

Yeah, he's a hung... I think he was plowing Anniston for a while. Give that a goog. No, I wasn't privy to that. Oh, yeah. Check it out, Sally. Somebody, I won't say who and I won't say where, but there's a comic here in the city that told... He didn't know it was Leo DiCaprio. He told Leo to shut the fuck up because... That was me! What?

You knew that was me, didn't you, you son of an onion? I don't think I knew this story. What? I mean, it's not a great story. You told him, shut the fuck up. Come guzzler Ryan Reese over here books me on a gig at some hotel. I did that too. Were we on the same night? No, I would have remembered it because I fucking died. I had a good set the night I was there and I saw Tobey Maguire to my right. What?

He was laughing. I got a few laughs out of Spider-Man. So Reese was like, hey, some people are coming. Just keep doing your set. He wouldn't tell me who it was because he knew I'd freak out. And I'm on stage. I'm getting a couple titters. It's all these hot New York socialite types. Not good. And then in comes a guy, tall guy, baseball cap and a COVID mask. So I couldn't see who it was. And he comes in and just starts talking to his entourage. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? And he just goes like a...

And I was like, oh, gee. And he kept talking. I was like, all right, shut the fuck up. And it's DiCaprio? It was DiCaprio. He fucking waved, Mark. Like, bitch, continue with your shot. Wow. Dance clown. I am talking over here. That is brutal to get it from one of the coolest actors. I know. One of these two? But if I would have known, I would have been like, if I was only an 18-year-old Israeli model, huh? Something. I could have thrown something at him, but I didn't know. Yeah, that would have won him over. Ha, ha, ha.

I couldn't work with the roommate. But Reese told me that later. He's like, I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd fuck with him. You'd say personal shit. See, we'd know. Like, I remember when I was living in L.A. and I would do Trippin' on Tuesdays at the Comedy Store. That was like...

Well, I'd say more better Mondays too, but I only saw it consistently at the Comedy Store on Tuesday nights where there would be prominent black directors or actors there. Everybody would fucking know. And then everybody's set would just turn into, I'm auditioning for Spike Lee tonight. Of course. And I'm going to do How Much I Love Denzel. I'm going to do Denzel impersonation. So I think it's better.

Which, by the way, does he ever cast other Denzel in his movies? No. That doesn't seem like a good tactic. In the history of fucking at least black cinema, there's never been a I saw him at the comedy club and I cast him since Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy Beverly Hills Cop Part 2. That was a comic strip too. What about Guy Torre?

He got American History X from you? Yeah, he had a show at the Comedy Store. Trippin' on Tuesdays. That was his show. That was his night. I think he got it from that, but I don't want to shit on your point. Okay, then good for him. Then good for him. But he might be it.

And Edward Norton was like, he'd be a good black guy. He'll be my friend. Hey, listen, there's a skinhead movie I'm thinking about. What a conversation. The role. Yeah, he's great in that. He's an awesome dude. He's so cool. And we got to get him on the pod. His stories are fucking insane. Well, did you watch the documentary?

The Trippin' on Tuesdays documentary. It's a great doc. I haven't seen it. It's on Amazon Prime. It really sets up the spine of what became the black comedy culture in Los Angeles in the 90s, like during that Def Jam era. Yeah. And like the boom would just like on a given night, Bernie, Steve, some more would just walk in and then it would just be Eddie in the crowd. And then Jamie Foxx, like early on.

Just imagine Jamie Foxx doing the pre-show. Do you know Jamie Foxx at all? Do you know him at all? No. I met him once back in the days when he still had the Foxhole over on SiriusXM. Foxhole used to play the fuck out of my prank calls. Great. Get the money. When satellite radio first started and a lot of comedians didn't understand the concept of just digitizing your shit, send your shit in the MP3 and email it to-

I had a really bad album that will never go any... I did it early on. Yeah, why not? And you ate good off that shit. Yeah, sure. And I scrapped the fuck out of it the second I had a real album. Dude, thank you.

They played the fuck out of my shit. That's when like Jamie would still do like the live Friday show or whatever. Where'd you meet him? At the Foxhole at the Sirius Studios. Like that's the only, I've only seen him in 3D one time in my life. You know, I do my sets. I go home. Like I don't. Yeah. You're a dad. I'm not a, even back then I didn't party because it's LA. You don't know what the fuck is in the drugs. Like I just started doing shrooms and now there might be fentanyl in that. Fucking stop that.

- It's true. - You're telling stories about famous people in the crowd. I got a good one for you. I remember we were doing Joker. Gary Goleman was doing the scene before me and I was on set with Gary and you know where this is going probably, but Gary is getting fucked with. Like a guy is laughing at the wrong part of his jokes.

Did they tell the extras during the comedy club? I don't mean to cut you off, but just for the context. When you all performed in the comedy club scenes in Joker, did they let the extras in the audience choose where to laugh? Or was it like... No, I just did my set and I was doing... They were laughing. I think they were expecting me to suck. And I had like... I just played like my best jokes that were kind of timeless. Like a joke that would work in the 80s. But...

Gary Goldman's on before me and I'm in an easy scene. I'm in a scene where I just get to kill and then I go off and I fucking the Joker eats shit. But Gary's scene is when he's going to the club to like discover comedy. So he's just laughing at the wrong parts of jokes to show that he doesn't get comedy. And Gary doesn't know it's Joaquin Phoenix. So Gary nearly loses his mind. Goldman's so...

He's so close to just going, what the fuck? But he powered through and then he goes, it was Joaquin. I'm so glad I didn't. Because Gary's the wrong guy to have to do it. Gary will fucking go at a heckler. Oh my God. He's our last white action star. But I mean, holy shit. I mean, thank God. That would have been awkward as hell. Could you imagine? What's wild though is that

As intimidating as we might find it, most of the famous people don't want you to talk about them. Of course not. They're fucking horrified. Correspondence gender, like, anything... How was that, doing that? You make eye contact with any famous motherfucking room, they look away. Oh. They fucking look away. They want no parts, because they think, like, even here at this podium, with a teleprompted script that I've polished for a month...

You'd think I'm still going to fucking go off script. Yes. And just fuck with you. Hey, Lester Holt, let me tell you, I'm not. Well, they're the most insecure people on the planet, and they have no skill to fire back. So they can't look bad. I know, dude. Lester Holt can drop bars. That guy. Maybe a news anchor or somebody. I don't know. Caitlyn Jenner and stuff like that. Was Caitlyn Jenner there? Yeah. Did he talk to Caitlyn Jenner? No, I saw everybody at the red carpet, and it was just like...

pacing and fast and then when i got done i couldn't go out in the crowd because biden had to leave so they put the stage in the security bubble to no one in or out until biden and kamala leave right so by the time i'm cleared through security to go out and gen pop all the good people are gone it's just looking random interns and yeah were you when was the last dinner before you were you were the first in a while right it was trevor and then it was the drought

Because of trauma. It was Wolf. Minaj did it. That was before Michelle. Oh, really? Damn. Yeah, it was Hassan, Wolf, and Arthur because Wolf pissed everybody off. That's right. Smokey eye. They were all sensitive to Wolf. And then two years of COVID, then Trevor. Ah!

I think you guys love Trump. It would have been great if Trump would have been there for Wolf. Oh, my God. That would have been legendary. That's his villain origin story. He was at the one and Obama made a joke about him. He doesn't make that joke. We're living in an alternate. It's like a Rick and Morty different universe. Obama just resists the urge.

No, I don't really. The only people I don't really like in the audience or where I know there's going to be a dead spot is athletes. If I had to choose again, I would rather host the Correspondents Dinner than, say, the ESPYs. Have you done the ESPYs? No, I've never done it. I just think of the Norm clip where he's just, they pan who I love, Ken Griffey Jr., but he's just like. And then he does this. He goes. Yeah.

Because Norm's saying OJ shit. But that was tough to see because I fucking, growing up, Ken Griffey Jr. was like, who didn't love that guy? But I'm like, I'm a comic. It's fucking Norm, dude. That would crush my soul, bro, if I bombed in front of my favorite fucking athletes. Sure. Because then I would get angry and then like,

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Always fresh, never frozen and ready in two minutes. Yeah, I mean, all the meals are really good. I've eaten a lot of these. They sent me a bunch. If they want to send more, I will eat them. So go for it. If you want extra fancy for literally zero effort, check out their gourmet plus meal options. These upscale meals have premium ingredients like broccolini, truffle butter. If you want a little extra treat factor isn't just what's for dinner.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Athletes are just too serious. I bombed a gig for the Rangers once and it was heartbreaking. It was like...

And I'm not even a hockey guy. I'm like basketball first, but I like hockey and I'm eating shit. And I remember the only guy who was cool to me there. It was like a scene out of Anchorman. Al Troutwig was there. It was Al Troutwig, you know, from the Olympics. He comes up. I swear to God, he like reeks of scotch. And he goes, and I go, oh, man, Al Troutwig. Man, I've watched you since I was a kid. And I was like, love you, man. And he was like, well, I've never seen you, so my opinion remains to be seen. I was like, Jesus, what the hell? That's a classic Troutwig.

Kenny Albert is hosting the gig and Kenny Albert is the man. Kenny Albert's like, save my ass. He was like the nicest guy on the planet. And he hosts and I'm bombing so hard. And Kenny Albert's laughing in the corner. And like just seeing that one laugh, I was like, I'm bombing, but at least this one dude is laughing. After you got that laugh, Al Traub was like, do you believe in miracles?

But anyway, the cherry on top of the bomb is Adam Graves, who's a Rangers legend. I've probably told this story in the pod before, but it's been a while at least. Adam Graves walks over to me and goes, he can't think of a compliment. So the line he hits me with is,

I love humor. That's all Adam Graves could give me is I love humor. It broke my heart because I was like, fucking Adam. I remember waiting outside the garden to get his autograph as like a kid. And this is how it comes full circle. You got to go to a game and just go, I love hockey. Athletes don't back down, though. You look an athlete dead in the eyes from the stage, they don't look away. There's no fear in them. I did...

Torrey Holt. This is 07, 08. Hall of Fame, right? I mean, yeah. Whenever Greatest Show on Turf era. Isaac Bruce, Ricky Prohl, Kurt Warner. Torrey Holt goes back to Raleigh every year and he does a cancer benefit. And I get booked for the benefit. And, you know, cancer benefits, they're...

It is for a good cause and you were there to help people stay happy in the midst of something sad. But the order of the show is always fucked. Yes. Because they put the comedy after the video. And now we're going to show you the video of all of the people that have helped, benefited from the foundation. And it's pictures of a lot of people. Yeah. And it's all...

Oh, yay, this is what the foundation does. - Sure. - And then there's, and here's a video from a person who was here last year, who is now dead. And now we will play the dead person's video.

And now Roy. Yeah. So like when you do those, any like disease benefit show, you're always after. Always. The disease video. There's an ICU picture, you know, or something. It's brutal. It's a kid hooked up to tubes. You're like, oh, come on, man. It's an honor. It's just, it is your starting fucking 10 point. It's fucking first and 40. Yeah. When you walk on stage. Yeah. Just to get back to the line of scrimmage, you need your closer. Yeah.

By fourth down, it's fourth and 48. Yeah. You're like, this got worse somehow. I don't... Even though Artie wouldn't fucking pick it up a purse was tough to follow. And I'm fucking eating it. And then I look over and Marshall Falk laughs. And it's... Marshall laughed and then they laughed because Marshall laughed. And it was like roasting the boss at it. Because he was like the most senior motherfucker of all the players that were there. He was like the...

He was the biggest balls in the room. Fuck yeah. And he was the coolest on that whole team. Cool as fuck, bro. He was probably my favorite player in the league at that time. He was so cool. The joke started working and it's like 15 minutes, but I like ate shit for like the first five or six and you make the adjustments, but it's just not fun. I did a, um, I, well, I survived a Brooklyn Nets, um,

ticket holder event and the players were there and so who is who is the biggest who is the biggest guy there this is two years ago this is Durant Kyrie they're both there Harden was not there okay and this is Kyrie in the peak of no COVID vaccine I don't want to I don't know if I'm gonna stay all that shit but

And the whole shoot it, Ben Simmons is there. Like during that era where they're heckling Ben Simmons for not... So there's already a list of shit I can't talk about. But it's weird in that the season ticket holders are laughing, but in your head... And you're there for the season ticket holders, but you can't help but look over in the corner and see if KD's laughing or see if... Oh my God. So like...

You know, you don't care if Leo laughs. Even if you knew that was Leo, you wouldn't give a fuck. But there's just something about athletes versus any other form of celebrity where you're like, please, when I look over there, let there be at least a smirk on his face. And I look over and KD's just talking to somebody and not even paying attention. And I'm like, perfect. That is the perfect. Best case scenario. That is a fucking no decision. See?

I went to a Pelicans game with Hannibal once, and him and KD were hugging. So he must know comedy. There's a lot of guys that fucking... You know who fucking loves comedy? Harrison Barnes. Really? I think for the Mavs. Now, at the time, he was with the... He's on Sacramento, I think, now. Yeah. He's bounced around a bit. He's a good player. Yeah. I know... North Carolina guy. I went to a game, and he came over and was like...

It was a hyper-specific, like, not even on the Daily Show type of clip that he saw of mine. I was like, oh, fucking, that's cool. Blake Griffin, too. He's the man. He did stand-up, right? He tried comedy, yeah. He tried stand-up, Blake Griffin. He did my show at New York Comedy Club. The ladies were swooning.

Yeah, Blake's a handsome guy. Can you be too handsome for comedy? Yes. Yeah, right? Of course. But don't tell that to people buying tickets right now. Good point. No, I mean like, D'Lea still had to deliver. Matt Rife still has to deliver. Yeah, for sure. Handsome only gets you 10 minutes of grace on stage. I'm trying to think, who are the other... Well, I know D. Ray Davis brings them out. Beautiful eyes. He's got nice eyes. Women come in like parties of eight, and I look at...

I go out and look at my audience and there's like two tables of women and the rest is just all couples. I'm like, yeah, shit. I think it's a disadvantage. Like I remember the season on, I mean like in terms of selling tickets, it probably helps you cause you're attractive to women. Women drive comedy sales more than men. Exactly. Do they? But if we're talking funny, like we'd all be funnier if we were fatter.

- That's true. - The season where it's always sunny where Mac gets fat, he's the funniest he's ever been. - That's a good point. - Fat is funny. - You gotta stop losing weight. - I've thought about that, but I've always been at that point where my physique has always been I need to gain 50 pounds or lose 30. - Okay. Hmm, well Seinfeld said if any comic gains or loses 50, they lose their funny.

Yeah. You lose like you lose the job. Like I'm I'm legit scared of losing the roundness of my face. Like cheekbones aren't funny. No. Define jawline. Yeah. For me, at least it doesn't fucking work. Like Anthony Anderson's a great example of that where he he lost a lot of weight and still maintained the

Because I went back and watched the first Barbershop, and it's like... He's so good in that. You can't even recognize him compared to the way he looks now in blackish. Right. Those movies were fucking good. Yeah. Those shit still stand up, man. I think they made three of them. Yeah. Cedric is insanely good in those movies. Yeah. Look at that change. Jezzelnik, another hot comic. That's true. But Anthony goes so hard that it's...

it's almost like you know he's like making fun of it sure you know it's like he's so self-aware yeah I respect it though with Jessalyn because he's a great joke writer someone still wants to fuck him after an hour of what he does she's back that's a real woman yeah you got a good one

Yeah, but as far as, like, Mr. X, there's probably not a better joke writer working than Anthony. I mean, I think of, like, Mr. X comics, like, Jimmy Carr is great at Mr. X, you know, but I think Anthony is, like, to go that dark and stick the landing is tough. Good name for a trans drag queen, Mr. X, because you think you're going one way. That's fucking killer. Write it down. I think on that Mr. X side, I don't think,

Nah. Right. I was going to say Sean Rouse, RIP, was kind of a one point over. Gary Veeder's got great Mr. X, too. We're talking like Mr. X. Yeah, but they're like longer pieces. Here's the whole joke in two seconds. Anthony's filling it out. He'll do some longer bits. That's true. So do you guys have any peeves? I remember you said you came in hot with some peeves. I got so many fucking peeves. Oh, I got one out of the gate. I got a peeve for you. So...

I have a girl staying with me and she just will like, she follows me into the bathroom. I fart.

And she's like, oh, come on. I was like, this is where you do this. Oh, yeah. You follow me to the place I'm supposed to fart. You want me to leave my home to fart? This is where it happens. Right. You chose to follow me in here. I'm fine with it, but don't get mad at the fart. Was this an act of deliverance by you, though, Sam? No, no, I was already in there. She's pretty considerate. You could have farted on her, which is what I would have done. And I've done that, too. And I'll give her that peeve. She gets that one. The old Dutch oven. Um.

I'm with you. Yeah. I'm kind of in a place where I'm tired of like asking for it. Like, so the thing I do now in a store, I try to pretend to like, you know, how long until you notice me until you come over and ask me if I need assistance? Like, I think we're out of that.

That retail experience. Oh, that's over. Will come over. Hey, how you doing? I'm here to help. Let me know. Especially in New York. In clothing stores, you still get it sometimes. Yeah, but I'm talking like Best Buy. Yeah, no, that's over. Yeah. And that's fucked up. And I don't like that. So like you're standing there and you're doing nothing. You see me over here and I'm trying to find the court that does the thing. I'll just start.

carrying shit I'll just start pulling stuff off shelves and just carrying it and just creating a stack of shit to make it look like something I like but the to the pet peeve it's the lack of customer service now and the annoyance like the attitude yes but the societal the societal POV of I don't get to complain because every job is stressful and you must like and

The the peeve isn't the bad customer service is that somehow I'm wrong if I dare to say, hey, good point. Can someone help me? I don't have the fucking key to the deodorant. I've hit this fucking button. That's a good point. Ten times. Yeah. And no one's come. So then when I go find you, you're annoyed.

And then I can't be annoyed that you're annoyed. Exactly. Because you're not getting paid enough, and I understand that. Sure. But then I don't get to go on Twitter and go, fuck Walgreens and this stupid locking up with the deodorant. Right.

That's good. The stealing made it harder for the people that don't steal because now we're just like, dude, what the fuck? And then you start thinking, maybe I should steal. Yeah. I'm the chump now. Guy who steals. Yeah, yeah. You can do it to an airline. You notice you can go, hey, fuck you, United. You skipped my whatever. You didn't get my ticket right. And everybody's like, good for you because that's a huge... It feels like that's a huge company. It's a faceless. This is...

You know, people get actively fucked by airlines. That's why airlines are the easy one. But he's getting fucked. He's still getting fucked. But that's not fucking your day the way a nine-hour United delay fucks your day. Sure, sure. Or the Marlon Wayans fiasco where they made him size down three bags, but other people were getting on with it. They nitpicked his carry-on. And it was a very ticky-tack thing. Do you think it was someone who didn't like his work?

Or someone trying to make a name? It's got to be personal. It's got to be personal. A little white chick. Yes. I like the way he handled it. I thought it was pretty funny. Oh, he blasted him. Marlon was on his neck for like three days straight. Really? I missed this whole thing. Oh, he was on him. Even now, he calls back to it. Like, it's a callback in his social media. You know how long you have to ride somebody for the algorithm to make sure you seem...

every version of the fucking joke damn you don't want to piss him off because the 12 siblings are flying too yeah yeah he did a whole you lost keenan you lost shantae yeah yeah yeah but the idea it's not so much about bad service i understand getting bad service but the idea that we can't complain about good point bad service under the guise of retail equity well then what's the price point

what's the wage where I get to go, hey, that was kind of fucked up service. It's not DoorDash. Like, I get it. It's a motherfucker on a bike bringing you your shit. You'll get it when you get it. It might be wrong. Seamless, you can complain. There's a robot you can complain to. Yeah, but I would never go public with that. Like, when the DoorDashers get creepy with women and the Uber drivers are fucking weird, like,

Shame them. I'm with you. Shame those fuckers. You brought me barbecue sauce instead of honey mustard. It's fine. I let that shit slide. But if you dare curl your mouth to have a problem with the retail experience in this country, there are people who just act like everything should be absolved because we're in a wage crisis. Right. And there still has to be pride in your work. Agreed. And then you check out and it's like 20% tip?

You got a tip? I got a tip for this lousy service? Yeah. We don't have to. I'm not going to say it. Bleep this name out. But one time I was at, we were drunk.

taco bell at four in the morning this is like 2008 and the lady was just really doing a shoddy job and half-assing it and he's like she's fucking this up he's watching her and he's like what the hell's going on back here and then she gave him the burrito and he ripped it open and he's like i said no sour cream and she was like whatever and he goes don't take the job if you're not gonna do it well and i was like nate get the fuck

Chill out, man. You know, it's four in the morning. Who cares? We're drunk. And he was like, you don't take the job. You're not going to do it well. And I was like, I'm pulling him off the desk. I'm like, let's go, man. And we left. And I was like, what a psycho. But now I kind of get it.

I've grown up. Well, you can't mess up the order and then be mean to him, too. Yeah, well, he was like, see, I'm watching her fuck it up. But if I show out, the story is, well, that comedian guy was an asshole. Exactly. I bought a fucking TV mount thing, like...

You know how you can put like a little decorative piece of whatever the fuck behind your TV on the wall so your TV's not flush up against your wall? Sure. I buy one of these things to have a nice little decorative thing behind the TV and LED it up. That's like correspondence money. I buy the shit. The guy delivers it. I sign for the delivery. And he goes, all right, thank you. And I go, well, who the fuck is putting this up? He goes, oh, no, we don't do that.

And so then I drive, I don't even call. I don't email. I get in a fucking cab and I go back to the furniture store and I went, what the fuck? Oh yeah, we don't do installation. I asked, will you all come in and put this up? And she was like, yeah, we'll get it in your home and it'll be nice.

And when I think back to the whole conversation, she never said, we'll put it up. She was like, it's going to look so good on your wall. Yeah, but that's misleading. Yeah. And I'm like, that's fucked up. Another good name for a trans. Write that down. Okay, keep going. But that's good stuff. That's misleading. She tricked you. Yeah, but it's only so hard. I had a similar thing happen with...

with a oven installation. A place I didn't have a working oven. The gas wasn't on for like 10 months. I finally got the gas on. It's New York. It's like you pay a shitload of money and your place doesn't work. It's amazing. I have drilling... By the way, you've seen the drilling in my home. I go to Chris DiStefano's podcast studio today. There's drilling in his fucking podcast studio. It's like the one reason you rent a studio is to be quiet. Right. Anyway, they...

The plumbing company, every review is one star. I've seen you not. It's like 30 reviews in my building. It's like, this is who we use. So I'm like...

Literally, I know they're gonna suck, but I'm kind of like, "Alright, let me..." They know the building. You trust... I shit you not, 35 straight one-star reviews. And all of them are like, "They're the worst. Don't trust them." The guy comes by pretty quickly to do a consultation. I'm like, "Okay." He's like, "This is what it's gonna cost. Fine. You're all set Monday at 9:00 a.m." I say, "Perfect." He goes, "You're booked. Perfect."

Monday at like 9.20 they don't come. So I'm just like, fuck, let me call the place. They go, oh, you have to call with us to confirm. I'm like, he didn't say that. The call is to confirm. No, I mean him saying you're booked is like, that's the confirmation. That's it. But yeah, shit like that where you're like, all right. But then they, you know, they got it up. They got it running eventually. And that's why I'm not an angry person because I don't have anger.

like an in-between so it's like it's psychotic or i just have to fucking let it go right and there's an air conditioning company they charged me for a part they came in they looked at the ac unit and they go okay you need this part and the part costs two thousand dollars fifty percent for an ac unit sums i don't know shit about ac and you fucking got me by the balls they ripped you

'Cause it's fucking free. So I got no fucking, so I fucking pay the 50%. Three months go by. Oh yeah, we can't come and the park's here and we gotta come back and assess another thing, then a thing, then a thing. Okay, cool. I go to the building super. What the fuck, man? Oh yeah, that's a new state of the art AC thing that, and there's only three companies that can fix it and that's our company and same shit. These are our guys. They come.

Turns out the problem with the AC unit was the whole floor. And they fixed the issue in the hallway, whatever some switch shit is. So now my AC works fine. I need that $1,000 back. Exactly. They should fucking charge me for the part. And they're fucking not replying to that email. Uh-huh.

And so I'm trying to give it like another fucking week. I got to go on vacation for two weeks with the boy. So I don't have the time to like properly. Right. Attack. But there's no, we're past emails. This is a thousand dollars. I'm showing up to your office. Good. I'm showing up to your fucking office with the credit card that we fucking used over the phone. And I want my fucking thousand dollars. And if the answer is no, you fucking double.

you start double clutching i'm going to find out where you park your fleet of vehicles double clutching another good name for a trans uh yeah drag queen i'm gonna rent some sort of vehicle and i'm just vehicles plural and i'm just gonna block the exit for your fleet i love it so you just can't go fix today great this is good street justice and that's not criminal

probably centered on a podcast, not bright. But at minimum, you'll define...

Whatever. Even if it is criminal, it's a misdemeanor. I'll pick up paper on the freeway. I'm fine. That's some Southern shit. They don't do the freeway paper punishment. With the stick, with the nail on it? Yeah, yeah. Orange vest in the middle of a fucking 75 mile an hour. We're both Southern. I remember seeing those guys like, I got to shape up on the highway. But that might be the hospitality part of it. Because I feel like down South, there wasn't a lot of this. It's more of a...

It's for sure. Well, it's also the pace is different in the Northeast than it is in the South. But see, and that's the difference, though, is that hospitality costs time, too, because when you're in the New York minute, clock in your head, motherfuckers move

too fucking slow. That's true. And I gotta say the South is sort of an honor system. Like there's a code of honor in the South that I don't think we have as much up here. We're both New Yorkers. Yeah. There's like, we'll police our own down there and you'll handle it our way. Like what you just described. The truck thing. We don't really do that. Good point. I do declare. No, you're right. But there's only so wild I can be.

with an apartment company that literally knows where I live. Right, right. But you can get some street friends, you know? Those friends who smoke weed all day, don't really have a gig, and they're like, I would love to park in front of this asshole. Those are the guys that fuck it up. Those are the people you don't want to owe a favor to. That's true. Those are the guys on a wire that's supposed to throw the gun in the river, but they throw it and it hits a barge instead. Yeah.

And then the police find the murder weapon. That's true. All right. How about this? You had a peeve? Yeah. I got a couple of this one. I'm going to start out with my closer like it's a fucking cancer benefit with Marshall Falk there. First and 40.

You ever have this guy? You go, ooh. And he goes, oh, you're yawning. Do I bore you? Are you tired? Am I making you tired? I'm like, I can't yawn now? You ever have the guy call you out for yawning? I yawned. It's not a personal attack. And sometimes, yes, you are boring me. Sometimes, if I'm yawning in a guy's face, then yeah, maybe you're not fucking... You know where I didn't yawn during a fucking Chuck Norris...

A rat mouth scene. Yeah, that was cool as shit. Those are like the people when you bring food in a room and no one else is eating, and then they go, did you bring enough for all of us? No. Right. No, I didn't. I guess my ride's here. There's always that guy. But yeah, no, you're right. I can't stand that. And then they're like, yeah, maybe you are boring now. Why am I getting yelled at? Because you're boring.

Maybe you got to step it up. That's a whole other angle. That's definitely a peeve for sure. Fucking yawn, yawn. And the people that get mad at your yawning, they're like, now I'm yawning. I'm like, well, then leave me alone. I know, I know. You don't have to be right next to me. And now I'm hiding my yawns. I'm like, you with farting with your lady. I'm like going in another room to yawn. Then I come back so I don't piss this guy off. You ever like try and do that like mid-sentence where you like lock your jaw and let the yawn exhale? A lot of bad dates. Yeah. Yeah.

But it comes out weird. It's like the whole trying to clench your butt sheesh with a fork. I'm stretching my throat. That's what I'm doing. That is a weird yawn. Fucking boring. Yeah, yeah, that kills me. I hate that guy.

All right. I got another peeve. I got lots of peeves today. All right. A lot's bothered me lately. Wait, wait. Is Jamie Foxx all right? I think he's okay now. Is he out? As far as I know. I think he had... It seemed like he had a stroke, right? Yeah, but I mean, since then, he's gotten canceled and apologized and been cleared. Oh, that's right. You know what? I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew.

As a Jew, really? Are we really going after Jamie Foxx? It was something, the post was like they went after Jesus. Be careful about fake friends. You know, they killed Jesus. What would they do to you? But it's like, yeah, but they, it's like he's me. I didn't read into that as anti-Semitism. It's common conversational shit in the black community. It's not said in the spirit of anti-Semitism. I didn't.

I didn't read it as that. If somebody wants to take it as that, that's a separate fucking thing. Also, you have to assume that Jews killed Jesus. For you to get there, you have to assume that Jews were the ones that killed Jesus. It was the Romans who killed Jesus. They put him to death. Oh, really? They had the death penalty. There's a lot of layers there. And then Jennifer Aniston liked the post, and she had to apologize. And I'm like, fun world we're living in, huh? They're like, oh, you're cosigning anti-Semitism? So the conversation about whether or not Jamie, how he meant it.

was gone like we're past that now it's you need to buy and then jamie apologized so i mean i always it's all word under the bridge my point is yeah my fucker's been accused of something and apologized he's he's doing all right he's doing better but i was also like can we give the guy a fucking minute too before we pile on because i i'm also like a fucking i'm a fan of jamie foxx sure he's a talent yeah i mean he's fucking great actor i think what great

What sucks about the whole Jamie Foxx thing with that whole post is that Lost in That is that the man was basically saying to the world that he's been betrayed by somebody close to him. Exactly. He's going through something. And that post in itself, I'm not going to say it's a cry for help, but it's definitely somebody bearing their emotions to strangers. Yes. It's a guy who's in a bad place and then people in turn try to like...

cancel him. I don't like that shit at all. Those people should be in trouble. Enough with getting him in trouble. You're the bad guy for trying to out this dude. It's like the Lizzo thing. There's real anti-Semitism. There's plenty to choose from. You don't have to go after... I just think what I hate is when there is this degree of

I know what you meant and you knew what you meant. Yes, yes. It's like, no, you can feel offended, but let's also respect that was not. That's not what I was going for. That's not what I was going for. So then we still had the educational conversation. What the hell are you doing here? Is it your birthday? No, it's not my birthday. I'm your birthday.

Happy birthday, dear Mark. This is weird. God almighty. A brownie cake for Mark Norman. He couldn't wait until he left. This is very embarrassing. Happy birthday, dear Mark. Thank you. Appreciate it. I'm going to blow this out. Happy birthday, buddy. Get COVID all over the cake. Blow it out before the wax gets all over the brownies. I want a corner piece, please. You missed one, buddy.

Come on, Jamie Foxx, anti-semi. There we go. I got my wish. Yeah, I didn't care for that shit at all, though. I thought that was... But you're right. He has a better point. He's making a point about something. And then we got to go, what about this? You know, it's like when you go, oh, so my gay roommate. And people go, what are you, homophobic? I'm like, I said my roommate. But they're so quick to get you. They don't even hear what you said. Here's a good peeve, I think. People who, they follow up emails with,

And you don't even know them, but they do a follow-up email with just a bunch of question marks. I'm like, I don't even know how you got my email. And now you're fucking annoying me? You're like, pushy? Right. I hate that shit. Can you reply, please? Where do we stand on this issue? Yeah. It's like the nagging person who also...

You don't know what explanation to. Right. Those reply alls, they get lost, too. I try to find where we're at. It's a lot of emails to go through. Shit, man. I might go by that air-conditioned place. Yeah.

Wait, so that didn't get rectified? Rather than like send a reply email. They didn't give you the money back? They did not reply. Let's say the name of the company. Fuck them. No, let's go through the proper protocols first. And then we will fucking go on national television repeatedly. You know what I want to do with whatever podcast I eventually start?

is instead of getting endorsements, just have the freedom to just shit on them. Like, say who the podcast is not brought to you by. Go the other way. Never make money. I like it. But also, just fucking slander. I love it. That's a good tactic. But just don't listen to that Ving Rhames speech before you go fuck with this company. I'm going to get some street dudes, come out there with blowtorches. And we're going to get the people in there. The pliers is the best part of that speech. I know. Some pliers. Yes.

And Bruce Willis is standing there like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking pull up on them because they wouldn't expect that.

Yeah, this is exciting. This is a TV show, getting back at companies. Yeah. You know, I wanted to do that. Like Nathan for you, but the opposite. Ooh, Nathan against you. Roy's against you. Roy's against. I wanted to be that. So my degree is in broadcast, and I wanted to be like the six on your side, fucking Better Call Baccaro, like the investigative journalist who gets to the truth. Like, I wanted to do sports, but then I was like, nah, I kind of like fucking with people. Yeah. There used to be a show called

It came on after A Current Affair. I remember that. Before Maury Povich had his talk show, Bill Maher... Not Bill Maher. We'll do it live. Bill O'Reilly? Yeah. He had a show. There was all these news magazine shows, and there was a show called Fight Back. Ooh. And...

- Is that about Chris Brown? - It was a little short New Yorker dude, might even been Jewish. And he was just, the whole show was just him fucking with people on the behalf of regular consumers. Oh, this company didn't, they promised you model three, but they gave you model two. - I love that. - Yeah, David Horowitz. - Oh, I remember Horowitz. - Bro, that motherfucker was getting results every fucking episode. - That's a great idea. - Fight back.

Let him know you can win my fucking had a theme song. That's literally you've monetized outrage I mean, that's like Twitter in a show like did you see this person this person? And this is what 1980s? Yeah, it's gotta be a show that That's great, he looks like inspector gadget right there What

Wow. That's old school skimmers. Yeah, right? That's credit card skimmers for the 80s, bro. Right. That's pre-identity theft. So that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do some shit like that. So today I'm in my David Horowitz shit. I'm pulling up to that AC company. That'd be great if they were on the first episode.

You should have your own show. You're definitely like, if you don't, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but if you don't host a daily show, I think they will regret it John Oliver style where you will, someone will give you a show. Someone will give you your own show. I'm not even sure though, like if political satire is even where I want to swim. What do you think it is?

Politics keeps you in a box. Spectrum. Yeah. You put some more pop culture in there, put some sports in there. Yeah. Or talk to regular people. But that could be your... So maybe it is a different show. Maybe it's not the daily show. Yeah, it's that or you have... I think late night across the board has got to change. Oh, yeah. It's done. So the question becomes, what is the daily show changing into and what is everybody else going to change into? You know, recording out the box and they're doing at midnight instead. Panel type stuff is probably going to come back for a little while. But I think even with that, there's a way...

to do something that's even different from that. By the way, they're so uncreative in Hollywood. They're bringing back a failed concept to replace a failed concept. Like Fletch. Oh!

But I'm serious. Apparently, Corden's show lost a shitload of money because that model is not working right now. I don't think it's a knock on any of these guys. It's a knock on the model. It's way cheaper. You don't have a whole audience. And I think that's...

I think that's what they're banking on is that it's something that's a little bit more tough conversation. I had fun on it. I did it at midnight and I had fun on it. We all did. I like it. It was panel, like we did Chelsea, like we're all panel era. I never did Chelsea Handler. Did you do it? No, I wish. That show was huge. Yeah. That show could make you. Yeah, I fucked it up for myself. Why? He fucked Sarah Colonna? No. Chewie?

You fucked Chewie? R.I.P. Isn't he dead? Is he? Look at you, Salacuse. You disrespected Chewie. I don't know. I've been seeing R.I.P. Chewie on the back of IROC Z's in L.A. for a while. Look, first result. Chewie is not dead. Oh, that's Chewbacca. Oh, that's Chewbacca Chewie. It's a different Chewie.

There he goes, Chewy. Oh, shit. Yeah, damn it. 2019 R.I.P. Chewy. R.I.P. Chewy. You bastards. Like Paul Rodriguez. Damn it, Chewy. So what happened on Chelsea? It was early in the show, like the first year of the show, before the show was the show. And it's all pop culture. You know my stand-up. I don't talk about celebrity stuff.

What my angle was going to be. Well, I know what fucking Joe Coy is going to do. I know Lonnie Love's angle. I'm going to be the curmudgeon. I was going to be like the Louis Black. Like that was the mold. I'm going to be pop culture Louis Black. Louis Black guy. So Louis Black is... Louis Blacker. There we go. That's better. So...

I guess I went too Lewis Black and like being like, "Ah, what does this matter? What are we doing? Why do we care?" And the producers just like, I did it three times. The third time I was edited out of the episode. - Oh no. - And I was like, "Oh, I pissed somebody off."

Whoops. They edited you? So did they have you at the beginning and then you just did speed? Yeah, give it up for our panel. Roy, Lonnie, Juliana Rancic. And then they did the panel and it was just Lonnie and Juliana. Oh, that's brutal. And then at the end of the segment, they cut to the wide shot and you just see me clapping. Oh, wow. Painful. And I didn't bomb, but. Was she pissed with you? I couldn't tell. She definitely didn't play off of it.

I got the laugh from the audience, but I think in the tone of what they wanted that show to be. And ESPN, knowing what I learned later being at ESPN, if you're shitting on the product that they're trying to sell to the fans, even if it's funny, you're not good for the program. But that's what we do. We are the guys who make fun of the boss. That's what they don't understand. That's what comedians do. And then that next year. Letterman shitting on the network was huge. Yeah, but Letterman had balls. He had like.

eight years he was tenured he was a tenured professor yeah we're just hard to make your name that way i guess yeah and so then that next year you know josh wolf and everybody else they and they have a legit love like ross matthews like they know how to do that shit in a way where it still feels you're revering yes what you're talking about and i didn't know how to do that shit in a way where it's oh but still i like botox treatments

It was just, why the fuck would you do that? I don't even know when you're happy. When your face, like, I'm just shitting on plastic surgery. And you can't do that with a show. There's a plastic surgery show coming on right after. Right, right. So, yeah, the next year, I see, like, the Friends of Chelsea tour, and they're playing 1500-seat arenas and theaters and shit. And I'm like, fuck. Ah.

Damn. It's so funny because not to blow you, but I, you know, we see you, you're doing great. Yeah. We look up to you and then you forget that everybody has their scars. No,

No matter who, what level, what talent, everybody's got some kind of like Chris Rock tells you about SNL and you're like, oh, wow, you barely got any airtime or he got cut out of sketches. And you're like, all right. Or you bombed after Martin Lawrence or whatever it is. Yeah. But it was it took a buddy of mine when I started like dabbling in ESPN shit, like in 2010, 2011, where he's like, and this is a guy went to journalism school with like no one will tell. And that's the thing with comics.

Nobody will tell you, hey man, don't shit on the thing that this network is built on. Yeah, yeah. They just go, you're funny, be funny, just do your thing. And they think that you have, I just didn't fucking know. Well, look at ESPN now. I mean, they're just firing everyone. And there's no comedian, like there's no comedic presence. Scott Van Pelk will kind of have his moments of like insight, but I feel like most people on ESPN now, Stephen A is just like Tucker Carlson, essentially. It's like loud, kind of like shock shit. Yeah.

That's what Skip Bayless does on Fox. It's all just kind of like talking head shit. There's no substance. There's not like a Rich Eisen or Stu Scott or that type of show anymore. Because the thing with comedy, though, is that it requires you to not take yourself seriously. Right. I don't think you can really be in that realm and not still want to be respected as a revered journalist. And then also make a quick...

That's why it was easier to have Sports Nation and just put a comic on in the second segment and just let us be fucking crazy.

And then apparently too many comedians got too crazy. And then one day it was just no more. Of course. It's like morning radio. They go, hey, be funny. And then you actually are funny and you shit on the lady and you shit on the segment. And they're like, cut. This is no good. This is what I do. The show's name was Kenny in the Rag. I can't call her a rag. I don't get it. This doesn't make sense. She's on the rag. Yeah, exactly. So now that Chelsea shit taught me a valuable lesson, bro, because I feel like I fucked up a lot of money for myself. Because...

like now if I did something on Food Network, it's just food is delicious. Yeah, yeah. You love food. It is funny that that is our instinct as comedians. They hand you like a souffle and you're like, ugh. And they're like, that was my life right there. That was everything. I mean, Nate Bargatze put it well. He said one time he did a show, a corporate gig, and no one is laughing. He's like, when no one's laughing, as a comedian, you just feel like you're giving a mean speech.

And it's so true. He's just shitting on this shit on this product, shitting on your wife, shitting on your family. You just mean that's comedy. Yeah. Yeah. But it's meant to have laughter. That's the problem. Of course. It's like it's like making a fucking pie without sugar. Right. You need sugar. You know, the painful thing about like morning TV and like like I'm headed to Lexington, Kentucky.

or I would have gone by the time this airs. You know what's funny? We talked about that club recently. Do you remember we talked about that? Yeah, Camaro-F-Broadway. Great club. Yeah, classic. That news show is like a 20-year institute. It's been the same fucking host, and it's the same four. You can tell they're asking the same questions as well. The morning show there? Yeah. I bombed on that fucking morning show. There's a clip of me. I thought that was deliberate, though.

Oh yeah, of course. I was trying to burn a hole. I mean, I was like, the only way this is funny is if I fucking eat shit. You, Steve Byrne, and Tracy Morgan. Do the short one if you find it. If you actually know. Tracy Morgan on morning TV. Kentucky. There is a clip of Tracy Morgan. I was just in Portland. Very sensitive people. I think it's a lack of protein. But I went in there. You know what happened to me? I went to the club and this guy was like, I got those three hot women and

And I was like, "Thank you very much." And he said, "It takes a woman like me to get them in." And he had a five o'clock shadow like me. I was like, "You're a guy though, right?" And he said, "Excuse me?" And I was like, "I don't know." - Hey, you were in a trouble band. - I know. And he said, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." And he said, "Screw you. You made a mistake." And I said, "I can clearly see that you're a woman now because you're furious at me and I have no idea why." - Okay, keep Connor in that one. - Keep Connor in that one. - Her reaction kills me. - The accent and everything.

That's a good joke. What the fuck? But you know what? I would just kind of like when it would be going nowhere, I'd just kind of do bits I know would bomb because I thought it would be funnier TV. Oh, I love humor. But you know, that one is a funny one to do. There is a clip from like 15 years ago of Tracy Morgan doing a morning show in El Paso and halfway through the clip,

He folds one leg under himself and pretends to be a Vietnam War amputee in the middle of live fucking television. I love him. And it is just so fucking chaotic. Well, you can't argue with a guy. Dude, he's so skinny here. Holy shit. You're not too bad looking yourself. I love you.

5 a.m. to 7 oof yeah yeah that's where they don't get a buddy of mine I'll never see him again no go to the other one Tracy Moore get wasted it's gonna say like yeah where are we he was a fucking twig back then dude oh yeah

I don't even think he was wasted. I think that's just his strategy. Right. I saw him in an interview recently say he was there like, you lost so much weight. And he goes, oh, Zempik. Like, you never hear celebrities be honest about that. I love him. Yeah, let it roll from right there. Another Brooklyn guy. Uh-oh, we just lost your microphone. He took his mic off. He's holding the lav with his hand. That's when you call the club. Isn't that crazy? Come on, don't go to break. This is Texas. Come on.

Uh-oh, Chrysler stole this.

Right after this, here it comes. More dancing, more shirtless action. Love! It's all love! Right here, yeah. I'm Captain James Teakirk! I'm from Vietnam! Oh no. I gotta get them wheelchair gloves. You know, the black leather one with the fingers cut off? I'm gonna stop asking questions. Do Spoonie Love. Do a little bit of Spoonie Love. Can you do that for me? This is the character you do on Cranky Anchors. One of my favorites. Wow.

Let me see. Spoonie Love was on. Shame on. No, I can't do Spoonie. Spoonie was graphic. Yeah, you're right. I get his children watching. But I did get this leg blowed off of P.X.

For no reason. You have to do that. You have to do that. Otherwise, no one's going to come to the show. I love Tracy Morgan. We were behind him at a Knicks game once, and he just kept turning around. It was me and Anthony DeVito, and he just keeps turning around and going, Michael Beasley's having the game of his life, and Tracy just keeps turning around and going, real animals eat meat. And we're like, I don't even know what this is. I don't know what that means either, but I love it. I'm dying. But we were like, yeah.

Watching Michael Beasley just go off and Tracy Morgan just turning to us and speaking nonsense. I was like, I fucking love him. When I still lived in Birmingham, this is like 04, 05 or whatever year Jay-Z, the black album came out. That year, Tracy comes to Birmingham. First joke, and this is super, Birmingham is still a conservative. Even black people there have

a little pearl clutchy at times. Yeah, very religious. And with Tracy, you're 03. So then you don't even know, like they're thinking they're getting SNL Tracy. So it's a lot of white people in the crowd. First fucking joke out of his fucking mouth. He goes, yeah. Y'all have to excuse me back there. Yeah.

You can see a little sauce on my fucking mouth. My wife's on a period. But I still fuck, though. I like ketchup on my frankfurter. Three tables get up. You think you're getting a clean show? I know, right? And that's what he opens with? First joke is I like ketchup on my frankfurter. I love it. And he fucking walked three. It's the quickest I've ever seen someone walk.

Wow. Like, I've seen people at Mooney's show hold on and then not realize that they left right before the last joke. Right. Like, they've settled their check and then they just fucking... And it's not like... Because Paul Mooney would do, like, two hours, you mean? Well, that... You know, Mooney would go in on white people to their face. Oh, yeah. It was awkward. But he would talk about the race. He wouldn't talk about you specifically, but he would talk about white people so viscerally that the whole room...

is looking at you to see how you're reacting to material about your people. And then if you made it through the show, Mooney would like congratulate you. Like he would. You ain't like the ones out, you ain't like the mother hunkies. And he would give you a shirt. Right, right. Free merch if you endured. But when Tracy Morgan got in trouble for whatever gay joke that was, I was like, that's the least offensive thing he's ever said. That's like not that bad. He said crazier shit sitting at the cellar.

Damn, he never doesn't make me laugh. He's one of those dudes. By the way, he's a dude that if you see him at the cellar, I feel like we'll have this intense conversation. He'll be like, give me this pep talk. And then I see him the next time, he has no idea who I am. He's definitely one of those who I think is so genuine, but then just doesn't remember you. Yeah, he's got a lot going on. But I think he meant it. No, that's what I mean. In the moment, I'm like, he's a fucking sweet guy.

He's fucking... He's got a great comedians in cars. Him and Seinfeld have a good back and forth. Is he in one of Seinfeld's cars or did they take his Lamborghini? Took the Lambo. Yeah. But I think Seinfeld drove it.

That's fucking awkward. Yeah. He got like Seinfeld. I saw him once at Caroline's and he, I think he would get the light. He just didn't want to do long. I think we get the light at like at 45 and just finish this wrap up. So he would like be mid sentence, like get the light and be like, thank you very much. And they'd be like, what? But that was the light. That was it. The greatest shit I've seen, like in terms of like a stage exit.

Damon Wayans. I used to love Wayans. Senior Damon Wayans. It was just like a regular showcase night at Flappers in Burbank. And he goes on stage and calls for an Uber. Wow. In his hand. On stage. And if you're close enough, you know what the app looks like. He's calling for an Uber. Wow. He places the phone down and proceeds to destroy Uber.

for seven eight fucking minutes and then just looks at the phone like in the middle of just a crescendo of a joke all right my uber's here i'll see y'all and he flips and turns the phone to the car you can see like the little car wow yeah i just wanted to do something real quick while i wait for an uber yeah that's incredible do you know damon wayans at all not personally like professionally we've worked together once or twice but not like i'm closer to junior

Just because there's comedy graduating classes or whatever. But no, I've never like, I couldn't call him. If he walked in a room, we could speak, but-

You were in Only Murders in the Building. Yes. Whoa. That's a cool fucking cameo. And you're in a scene with Martin Short and Steve Martin. Damn, I just watched The Jerk today. That's so crazy. Improv kings, bro. Were they improvising a lot? Improv kings, bro. And they didn't even fucking... The one scene we had, they didn't even fucking use it. Like, they... I'm trying to think of two people who play off of each other better than them. Maybe Tina and Amy. Yeah.

Tina and Amy is definitely some Jordan Pippen I just know where you're going before you even like just fucking throwing oops to each other like they were fucking great bro and then like personable like just in the green room I had a gig in Atlantic City the same night as them

And you know, like you get to a show, casino gigs, you see like a big crowd in line. You're like, oh, is this my, these are the people for my show? And you're like, no, your theater's around the corner. This is the bigger venue that you didn't know shit about. Right, right. So I asked them a bunch of questions just about their live show. I don't know if they still do it now, but they tour like a,

two-man bantery thing. It's on Netflix. But it's structured. There's proper structure to it. And they trash each other. Whenever they would do promo for that show on any talk show, they would just take over the talk show by shitting on each other. And I was like, this is gold. It's gold. They're so good at it. Was that fun as hell to shoot? Yeah, that was fun. It was exteriors, though. It was winter. We shot some stuff in the car.

that was green screen, but the front half of the scene was like outside proper snowstorm. So like, they're like, get it, yeah, get it done. Like all of this, take your time. We'll do a bunch of takes. It's like, no, make a choice, figure out what you want to do. And then it's almost like your job is to just be still and just let them fucking,

make circles around you. Yeah. See, those gigs are almost bittersweet for me because I'm in the hotel room showering like, boy, Steve Martin, I'm going to get him to like me. I'm going to say that one thing. He's going to love me. He's going to go, you got it, kid. And Martin Short's going to hug me and high five me. And then you don't say three words and you go home. Wouldn't say the thing would happen with Guy Fieri. Ah,

Oh, geez. You tell your story, I'll tell my Tommy Davidson story. Oh, all right. Booty call. So I'm doing a fully loaded with Kreischer and Guy Fieri is shooting a Something's Burning. And I was like, I'm going to get Guy Fieri to like me. I'm going to win him over. So they're getting the barbecue ready and Bert can't turn the oven on. He can't get the oven working. He can't light it. And I go, man, Bert, you'd make the worst Nazi.

And Guy Fieri just turns to me and goes, what? And I was like, I thought I had a zinger. I thought I had a home run. He hated it. And I didn't bother him again.

And you're done. After that, what? Yeah, if you were me, he kept looking past me. He wouldn't make eye contact. Marcus spent too much time with comedians that he thinks the way to make friends with Food Network people is Nazi humor. I'm going to do it. He was smoking a cigar. He was drinking. He seemed like a fun guy. I think he's the secretly dark host. A lot of them are, but you've got to warm up to them. That's true. No warming. See, Bobby Flay, you've got to hear this Mexican joke, buddy. Come here.

I always feel better when I find out people that put out this good boy image actually do drink or snort cocaine or some shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's in the kitchens and stuff. That's the other thing of why you think he would maybe. I feel like Bourdain would have at least snickered at that joke. Yes, definitely. They're dark people. They're all tatted up. Well, Bourdain clearly was dark. So Tommy Davidson, that was the first big name act I ever opened for. A-lister. And this is 98.

So Living Colors just ended. He's had a couple. He's got a good movie run happening or whatever. And so what I thought, I thought I was going to have the Chris Rock Beverly Hills Cop 2. I'm going to wow him with this 15 minutes of fucking book buyback jokes in Florida State. That's all I fucking had at the time.

And so I was opening for him at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte. Good club. I like that room a lot. This is the old, old one when it was still on Independence Boulevard. It was like way out, like commercial, like way out. So it's a three-day gig. I packed two weeks worth of luggage because it's the week of midterms. I know I'm going to flunk this semester because I'm taking the gig. And the idea is, okay, I'll rip.

Tommy will love me. Oh, no. And then he'll say, come back to Los Angeles with me. Wow. Because I thought that's legit how I thought Hollywood worked. Because that's how movies are. Yeah. And the only story you've heard is the Chris Rock story up until that point. A Roy can dream. Eddie saw him. Eddie put him in Beverly Hills Cop 2. And then he got Bring the Pain. And you don't realize there's like huge gaps of work that happened in between. Exactly, yeah.

So every night I go up and I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Perfectly fine for a Friday night $30 ticket. 19, maybe 20 years old. I love it. Sunday night. Now, mind you,

I'm introducing Tommy so I'm only seeing him when he's coming to the stage. Because at this point, he's not in the room. I don't know this, but he's not in the room when I'm fucking on stage. But I'm thinking he's in the room like all the other meathead, C-list headliners you work for who show up at the top of the show. So I'm assuming Tommy sees me, but I can never get to him because after the show, he's got meet and greets and he's got things. Man, go ahead. So I figure Sunday night I'm going to fucking talk to him. So I bring my fucking luggage to the club.

I've got all of my luggage in the club because I know Tommy Davidson is going to take me back with him to the fucking airport. Because that's how entertainment works. And I go up and I rip.

best set of the weekend i come back to the green room i bring tommy down and i'm just and i decide i'm not leaving the green room until i talk to him so and you know how long it takes after the last show he doesn't meet and greet that's a fucking hour right then he's got to go do paperwork that's another 10 15 fucking minutes and but i see his things he has to come back to the green room for his things so i'm gonna fucking sit right here

Tommy Davidson comes in. He looks at me. He goes, hey, bud, didn't see anything you did, but they said you did good. Keep it up. Wow. And disappeared into the night. And I'm just standing there like, what the fuck am I going to do? With my luggage. I just flunked out of fucking sight.

You're like trying to think of all this shit to say, but you just realize you'll sound crazy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can't leave. Right. I'm from school. Take me back to L.A. with you. Here's my luggage. Oh, man. I thought that motherfucker was going to take me and put me in Ace Ventura 3. Ah!

Holy shit, I forgot he was the dude. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Wow, yeah, he had a run, man. I used to love that shit. He did it. He did it in Living Color, and him and Jamie Foxx would do, like, the... Jamie Foxx was, like, the tough guy, and he was a sidekick. Oh, yeah.

oh i can't think of the name of the sketch but it was he's a funny guy yeah and and then you like work with him numerous times after that and i like told him that story and he's like motherfucker why would i take you back to california you know what is he laughing though yeah yeah it was all fucking love well that's the win that you know him now and he you told him that story yeah that means you made it it's like it's a weird mile marker in my career because like

Sorry, the third one, that one, yeah, that was big. He always had the bandana on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. They were like... Ace and main man. Yes! I used to love that sketch. Should we do bits or what? Well, we got to get him out of here, I feel like. I've done bits. I did... Oh, he did a full action hero. So, yeah, you want to plug dates? Yeah, where are you going to be? I'm all over the place, man. But the big ones, you know, Brea, California, Sacramento. Just go to my website. Here's...

Bay Area, I-85 in the southeast. That's how I plug my shit. Any city that's on I-85 in the southeast, I'll be there. Bay Area, and then the big one is Tucson. The Moore is top five theaters. I've never done it. Dude, it might be my favorite theater.

I played that just, it's beautiful and it's three tiers, but they're like on top of you. It's, it's, I've never played Seattle proper until, until what would be New Year's Eve. Like I've always done like the weird club out of town, like,

Kirkland. I did Laps in Kirkland. I did that so many times. I did Tacoma. I've done everything in Tacoma. But I've never done the, like there was like some underground club in Seattle. It was like the- Parlor Live and then there was- I did that one in Bellevue. I did that. Bellevue. Yeah, I did that. Yeah.

I've done everything, but I've never done like, apparently like downtown Seattle is its own ecosystem. Oh, dude. It looks like shit from the outside, too. You got to go to that farmer's market is epic, too. Pike? Is that what it's called? Oh, yeah. Pike's Market. That's where they're throwing the fish? Throwing the fish. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I will see that. Super cool. I love it. Okay. Well, I got, when is this coming out? Oh, the egg. That's fun. When does this come out? Of what? September. Oh, September? Yeah, buddy. Good God. We're backlogged. Mark's going away. All right. So we got Toronto. All right.

Meridian Hall. That's a biggie, baby. Come out. Chicago motherfucking theater. I might have a special guest popping out on that one. I can't say who. But Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, NYC, the big one, the theater at MSG. Yes. We got all over Australia. We got Brisbane, Melbourne, New York.

Adelaide and Sydney and also just added Vegas the win December 2nd and then the next week I'll be in fucking Naples I'm making my return I decided to do a revenge tour baby Naples gig and Tampa that weekend so come on out that's your Tommy Davidson off the hook

No, no, no. I don't think they want me ever back there. I've got my mileage shitting out of them, but that's samorell.com. You don't want to go there either. Hey, it's my birthday. I'm going to Vicar Street, one of the great venues in Ireland. It's really cool. It'll be all over Europe. What is this? UK, London, Manchester, Birmingham, Alabama, Glasgow. Birmingham, UK. Oh, that's right. And then whatever that is. Hershey, Pennsylvania, Tyson, Virginia, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas. Capital One Hall is beautiful.

That's outside of DC. Portland, Maine. I can't read that. Majestic. Oh, I love Portland, Maine. Providence, Rhode Island. Cleveland. The Agora. Yeah. Grand Rapids. Denver. There you go. Paramount. Grand Junction. That's good. Two at the Denver. That's fun. All right. So yeah, come on out. MarkNormanComedy.com. Can I give you a quick pee before we go? Hell yeah. I didn't get a birthday cake. My birthday's August 29th. What the hell, man? What the hell? What the hell?

Yeah, we'll share it. We'll share it. There you go. He came out all ceremoniously for Mark. My birthday's long past. What the fuck? Yeah, we can edit it. Yeah, Photoshop. No, keep in the peeve. Keep the peeve. Bodega Cat is available at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Hopefully by now it's in fucking liquor stores in New York. Yeah, hopefully. Bars. People are messaging me. Where can I get it? What the hell? Everybody wants it. We'll get there. Check out Roy. You got about, what, three specials out there? Yeah, they're all on Paramount. No, they're all on YouTube for free right now.

Hey, there you go. That's big, man. Yeah, they're all on YouTube. Isn't it crazy how many more people are seeing them now than when they, like. Of course. People tweet me, oh, your new special. Two years ago. Let them think it. The best is when they repost when you're older and they're like, man, this new stuff's even better. I'm like, that's from 2018. I know, I know. Thanks a lot. One of the best, that Leonardo DiCaprio bit is killer. Ah, yes, man. One of the true right allies. I should have done that.

One of our favorite comics. Watch all of his stuff. It's one of the best comics. You probably know him, but if you don't, watch everything. Great comic. Killer. Thank you for having me, boys. We love you, man. I appreciate it. I'm going to head to this air-conditioned place. Let you know. All right. See you soon, guys. Thank you. Comedy.