Ep 144: Sal Vulcano & Winnie The One-Eyed Pug
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This guy's a veteran. He's a big comedy fan. We love this guy. Get sheath underwear. Support the show. Support your balls. Here, here. These are women's. All right. Hey, hey. Oops, sorry. No, you go. Hey, hey. Wait, what's this? Oh, you brought the dog. Hey, I didn't even notice it. He walked in. He didn't even say anything. Oh, my bad. I went right to the seat. You did one of the things I usually do. We were like, ugh, and he walked in.

Yeah, yeah. Pum over? No, just flew in yesterday, went straight to spots, and I had a 10 a.m. pod, so I'm... How was that improv show? It was great, but I blew it. Why? Well, I feel bad. I didn't prepare, and it showed. Really? And it was star stud. It was like Kreischer, Joe Coy, Whitney, Fortune Feimster, Dion Cole, Craig Robinson, Jeff Dunham.

You're representing New York. What the fuck? I know. They go, do old material. You don't have to burn anything new. I said, great. I know all that. And then I'm up there going, what's that joke from 2014? How's that end? And it went okay, but I forgot three jokes. I didn't say thank you to the improv. I blew it.

Yeah, well, we don't like come up there. That's true. That's true. But yeah, but you still got to say thank you, I guess. Yeah. Ah, the ego. I was like, I got this. It's good to have one of those every once in a while. I learned my lesson, but you don't want to learn your lesson on Netflix with a big shoot. They fly you out, you know? Yeah. Fuck. I know. I felt shamed.

But it still went okay. I just, you hate to know that you forgot three jokes, you know? Damn. I know. Well, maybe they'll edit it so you look fine. All right, I hope so. They'll probably use five minutes of it anyway, but the dog looks good. The dog is fine. Can you introduce us to your new guest? Please. This is a lady I'm seeing's pooch, one-eyed Winnie. And lost an eye. Dude, a fucking pug with a touch of chihuahua.

surviving on the streets of LA. She was found. Wow. So that's why she has one eye. Cause she probably some fucking tough LA Chihuahua was like, Hey mama. Hey mamacita. Out on skid row doing fentanyl. And I mean, she was probably had to fight for her life. So she does, she'll be last night. She's in her bed and I just like touch her and she goes, ah,

Like this, like she'll snap on you. I'm like, oh, that shit doesn't go away. Yes. Where you, you know. Flashbacks. So streets, they're in her. Matt, what were you just saying to me about your cat? Oh, no, my cat is a stray and she will only sleep in cardboard boxes. Whoa. He said his cat's a stray. He took her in and she only sleeps in cardboard boxes now. He just said that. He's on a mic. Oh, thank you. Are you not on a mic?

Oh, okay. Wow. All right. What are you? What are you dressed like a special needs kid? What's going on here? I'm trying to class it up a little bit. Okay. I am Matthew. Okay. Well, this, yeah, this dog is great though. Fun to literally play the thing. I just, we just took a cab up here and she fucking loses it at rap music. She hates rap music. Really? That's adorable.

Maybe she's singing along. She probably knows Biggie. He's like an L.A. street dog. Yeah. She, she. She, she, yeah. She knows Tupac. She goes way back. This is Suge Knight's dog. She's 16, dude. Oh, yeah. An old lady walked up to me on the street the other day and she goes, I hope I look that good when I'm 16. I was like, you won't. It means you're 112. You'll be long dead. Yeah, exactly. Trying to be polite, but come on. Come on.

look up rap music from 16 years ago and see how she reacts to it. Oh, okay. 16 years ago. Really? 2002? 2007. See? I can't do math. Alright. This is exciting.

I hope she pulls out a shank and cuts somebody. She probably was getting held down by three dogs and getting raped, and she had to just shank her way out. Yeah, she got out of there. She fought her way out. Good for her. She's a badass. All right, here we go. Now make sure it's Los Angeles-based. Get California Love on. Let's see what happens. Yeah, that's all. That's the 90s. Play it loud, too. Are we going to get demonetized right now? You got to play, what, 16 seconds they'll give you? Wow, I forgot about the whole Mad Max thing. California!

She's really bad. Oh, man. The flashbacks are swirling. Remember that knife fight on Sepulveda? Yeah. She's getting a little anxious. A little angsty. She needs a... She was at that barbecue. She needs a little treat. Here. Ah, this is great. Ah, she'll be shitting that up in about eight minutes.

Come on. She's got like no teeth. Oh, man. She's old as shit. You love older women. Holy moly. Yeah. I think the rap thing pissed her off. I know. I think that was a bad idea. Wow. She's like an old conservative. She's like, turn that shit off. She's burning NWA records with Nancy Reagan.

Oh, one eye. One eye is fucking always kind of funny. Yeah, yeah, it's funny. It's like, you know, it's like, because it's badass. You think of like Nick Fury, you think of, what's her name from Kill Bill? Daryl Hannah. Yeah, Dan Crenshaw. But it was like from the war, right? He was a Marine. Yeah, I mean, so it's always like a badass.

Backstory. Yep. And then just a little fucking pug. I know. Pull up the Men in Black dog, because that's what this reminds me of. Pugs are fucking great. Great, and great for the tongue out. I mean, it's gold. There he is. I wonder who voiced that guy, because he killed it. Men in Black is solid. It holds up. The first one's great. It is. Oh, yeah. The dog had a name.

A or J. Rip Torn looks like a bulldog. He does. Just don't put a look. Hey.

I'm not going to pat any problems. I'm going to have to put a pee pad down. She's getting moist. Seeing that hot pug in a tux. Dude, that's the thing is she still starts shit. Like, I take her on a walk and a big dog will walk by and she'll just go like, rah! Wow. And they always back down because she's got that street in her. Right. But the one time they call her bluff, she's fucking dead. Of course. She's got nothing to back it. There's no teeth left. Ha ha ha!

Mean she can't bite one tooth. Yeah, David tell bit right Taffy What's got a little little weight around the gut there? I mean she's out of touch Yeah, out of shape out of shape. She's losing it, but she's cute as a button And I wish we could get her on the mic we hear some of these stories I got a crazy fucking story for you. I got it cuz I was in LA the week before you I do Whitney Cummings podcast and

Afterwards we're doing spots. So she drives me the spot on the same show She does a phone call with Rodney Dangerfield's wife. Whoa She was you know, they're just on the phone. They're just chatting. I was like, oh and when he's like, oh, she's like the coolest person She said like really loved him. You could tell she really loved Rodney and we're on the phone and

And afterwards I start doing the impression in the car and Whitney's like, you know, she's cracking up. She's like, I didn't know you love Rodney like that. I was like, oh, I love Rodney. You know? Yeah. No, I know you liked him. I was like, oh no, he's like maybe my favorite, you know? Sure. And she's like, we should call her back. You should do the bits on the phone. So I start doing the impression and she's cracking up. Oh, thank God. I'm getting her laugh. I know, that could have gone real soon. I'm like, her with rap. She's getting triggered. Yeah.

Wow. Oh my God. What would be worse than fully committing to a bit and her being like, he's dead. What the fuck is wrong with you? But she was cool about it. And she was like, oh, I really loved him. I woke up every morning laughing and happy. He made me so happy. And it was just so cool because she is a hot younger woman. So you never know. But clearly the love was real. And then I do a bit. I was an ugly kid. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

And she laughs. Then she goes, there was another breastfeeding joke. I go, you know, I was an ugly kid. My mother, she breastfed me through a straw. I'll tell you, I was ugly. She goes, that's it. I've never heard that one. And then she goes, I got a Rodney Dangerfield joke that no one has ever heard. You want to hear it? And I was like, of course. He's coming out of brain surgery. We don't know if he's going to make it. He says before, like, shit, I don't know. Like, if I don't make it, you know...

Hello, Beard Jew. Yo. Perfect timing. And he says, you know, Rodney Dangerfield. I'm telling a story about Dangerfield's wife is telling me over the phone. And she goes, he says to me, like, if I don't make it, fuck. Like, what do I do? I need my mind to be sharp. And he's going into brain surgery. He comes out. They don't know if he's okay. And the doctor, everyone's in there. The doctor goes, Rodney, did you cough anything up? And he goes, yeah, 500 bucks last week to a whore. Oh, my God.

Everyone in the room fucking erupts in laughter. Like, can you imagine just like, it's like off the cuff. Wow. Just like, is he dead? Yeah. It's literally like The Undertaker just like popping up, you know? Wow. Also, what a great wife. She's like, oh, the whore thing. It's a joke. It's a joke. But good for her to roll with it. Oh, yeah. Doesn't look like Winnie.

Oh, I can see it. Yeah. I can see it. Yeah, the big eyes. They have comical faces, for sure. Yeah, you know the Jay Leno Rodney story when he's in bed? Yeah, what is that again? He's laying in bed. He could die at any moment. All the pipes, the tubes are all hooked up. And the wife goes, Jay, just...

Put your finger in his hand, you know, just to let him know you're here because he couldn't respond or anything. And he goes, Rodney. He puts the finger in his hand. He goes, Rodney, you're my favorite comic. You mean the most to me. And there's one thing I got to tell you. That's not my finger. And he said, Rodney, like a twitch. And he's like, I think he got it. Yeah, I heard that story. And I think Joan was in there with him too, right? It was Rodney.

I don't know. Maybe. Jay Leno and Joan were both in there. Wow, what a room. Holy shit. Hot show. It's a hot hospital room. I know, but it's a good roster. Leno was supposed to be on this LA show and he had to back out. I was hoping to meet him. Yeah, because I know he's a fan of yours and...

I'm a huge fan of his. I want him on the pod. Oh, that's great. I feel like he's got, I mean, his 80s stories, I just want to hear. I remember reading his book when I was like a kid. Remember that one, Leading With My Chin? Oh, yeah. That was a good one. That was great. Old school. He's got all the history. He stopped in front of the car. He got hit by a car during the comedy strike in the 70s or 80s. For a guy who loves cars, he has had bad luck with cars. That's true. That's true.

But I guess that comes with the obsession sometimes. He might be the toughest guy on the planet. He gets his face burned off and then he's back at work doing jokes about it. And that's what you do. Like some people are insecure. Like there was that one comedian who had a weird chin and got it removed and repaired. And like none of us know his name. Right. Leno's got a weird chin. He's like, I'm the chin guy. Yeah. That's what you do. Have you seen the Louie and Leno fight on The Tonight Show? It was great. Great. Can we play that or are we going to get... Pull it up. I didn't play that. What is it?

It's Louie and Leno on The Tonight Show. But it's playful. But they go back and forth in a way where you're like, I think Louie's kind of going at him a little bit. A little bit. Being like, I got this guy. And Leno's kind of like, no, fuck you. I can still have fun. Exactly. Because everybody's like, oh, you're the corny Tonight Show kind of mainstream guy. But no, no. He had some venom in him.

Dude, you know what else we got to pull up at some point? Maybe on a Patreon or maybe just like, you know, after our guest, we have a special guest coming in, not just one of you, another special guest. But we could play it after. Have you ever seen Mark Summers versus Burt Reynolds? What? No. Save that for later. Have that queued up. Let's watch the Louis one first.

It shouldn't be hard to find. Louie and Leno fighting tonight. It's too long. It's later. He's older. Louie's older? Louie's like at the peak of Louie. Yeah, it's like it was. No, no, no. It wasn't 2002. No, I think it's later than that. It was like at that run where every time Louie did couch, you were like, you have to see this. Yes, yes. Everything's amazing and no one cares. The cell phone. It's going to space. That's what started it, I feel like. I think that's kind of what broke him. I think so.

I got it. Yeah, that was a lot. Also that bit in the end of the HBO special with his daughter. But why? Oh, that was a brilliant joke. Oh, it's on YouTube. I'm on YouTube. You're on premium.

Oh, dude. You got to get these boomers out of here. We got to get some Asian twink to come in here and really gamer it up. Peter, find an Asian intern. Please. Make him trans. I want a full headset, the video game chair. We just turned to Salamanca for the next episode. It's an Asian there in the same shitty outfit. He may not be trans, but his name is Tran. Hey, there you go. I'll take it. That was pretty good. That was bad.

I liked it. What are we drinking today there, Fanny? Oh, well, I'll introduce it when the guest comes. Oh, yeah. Or do you guys want to start now? We can start now. No, we'll save it for the guest. I think this is it, 2006. Oh, maybe. I think Louie's in a t-shirt. I don't think this is it. No, this isn't it. This is not it? No. All right. Okay.

It can't be that hard, but I don't want to put you out. It was a definite heat check from Louie where Louie was murdering so much that he was like, I'm going to fuck with the host. Yes. And he did it to Fallon, too, and they were good. Yeah. I mean, Fallon, it was like a little rough because he was like, I told them not to hire you. Remember that? Oh.

That was crazy. That was when I was like, this is kind of mean. Yeah, yeah. Because he was like, you're too cute. You were too cute. I hated how cute you were. The girls liked you. And you're like, Louie, you're just owning up that you're a fucking asshole. I know. You're a jealous, bitter guy.

This is it. This is it. The most heterosexual outfit I've ever seen. Yeah, this is it. Okay, so he got a little zing about his outfit. He said, what'd he say? He got a real sexual outfit on. Okay. The most heterosexual outfit I've ever seen. Heterosexual. Heterosexual. He looked like a man who tried to dress himself. It is this is it. Oh, I didn't know Leno started it a little bit. Oh, okay. This is it. Maybe this isn't it. You look like a cop. Is it inside out?

Oh wait, hold on. Oh, here it is. What the heck is he is weird looking? Oh! And Louie's like, "Oh wait, I didn't know we were going here."

But it's fun. Yeah. But Louie has a great response. I just don't have to cover my chin because I'm proud of it. Woo!

That's two. That's a one-two punch. If you weren't famous and you robbed a bank and the dude was describing you to a police catcher, he'd be like, no, seriously, what did he look like? That's a great joke. Nobody looks like you. I can't believe I'm looking at you all the time. Uh-oh. He's back on the ropes. Now how's Leno going to get out of it? And if you robbed a bank, what?

I keep the money and be happy. No, I say that. That's it. They got out of it. Wow. Great TV. Louie's were definitely more creative. Oh, yeah. It's a Tonight Show audience. To me, the funniest line is they'd be like, no, what does he really look like? Yes. But that didn't get the pop. Right. True. But it's way more clever. It's a Tonight Show crowd.

Full head of hair is easy. I don't want to say easy, but it's an obvious sight gag. You can see it right there. But it's fun. Yeah, the sketch art is a little more high concept, but that's Louis. But this is when you could kind of be a dick and it was fun. It didn't feel contentious. No, no, no, not at all. And I'm sure they went backstage in the commercial like, that was great. That was a great moment. However, the Steve Summers one. That's Mark Summers. Mark Summers. Let me look it up. But that's a long...

it's long. We might just want to say, let's, let's say put a pin in that and save it for the end. Cause if, if I find it now, cause it's going to take you a half hour to find it. That's true. Uh, any word from the guests? I don't want to. Oh God. Uh,

Okay, but he knows he's coming. All right, all right, great. And he knows the floor and everything, right? Okay, good. I'll tell you, I got upgraded on the flight back. I got that laid out. They didn't fly you first class? Nah. It's fucking Netflix. I know. Well, you know, they nickel and dime. How much did they pay you? You should have bought a first class ticket. Well, now here's the rub. You can't take it with you. That's true. But...

I had your voice in my head, and I said, I was looking at the flight, and I was like, oh, man, I'm like 38D. That's an LA flight, six hours, six and change. Let me look at the first class. There was two available. And it was $8.99 to upgrade to first class. And I already paid, you know, $400 for the ticket or whatever. I was like, ah, that's pricey. But it's a long flight. It's Netflix. You know, they're paying pretty well. Fuck it, I'll buy it. Push send. This is rare for me. I never do this. I push purchase. And then...

I got the email. You purchased your ticket. First guy. Woo. All right. Then I check the app and it goes, you've been upgraded. Oh. And I was like, well, wait a minute. Maybe they got confused. I've been upgraded. I bought the ticket. I bought the ticket on accident. I didn't need it. I got upgraded. I lost the money. I got upgraded for free. Here's how you got to look at it, though. You would have bought it anyway. The upgrades are all of a dice. What a kick in the dick.

the dick you're making enough you should you should here's how I look at the first class ticket it's a lot of money here's how I look at it though you're making enough on the road you you're on the road as much as you are you want to look forward to going to work that's how I look at it I look forward when I have a first class ticket I look forward and I didn't this is a very new thing okay I was middle seat coach for a hot decade plus sure sure I'm 6'3 I didn't enjoy that shit that's hell you know I'm sure that did not help my fucking neck but uh right you know

Now I'm like, fuck it. This is a work trip. It's a write-off. I want to be excited to get on that trip. Right. And at Lay Flat, I can lay down. I'll fucking bring a book. I'll watch a movie. Yeah, you're right. But I couldn't help looking to 4B at the fucking coos who was reading a book and doing Sudoku and going, God, I paid for that, bitch. I almost took a roll off her tray just because I wanted to eat it just to get something back. What you should do, though, is just...

Be like, this worked out. That's how you have to look at it. I guess. Also, think about how much you got paid from fucking Netflix. Yeah. That's crazy that Netflix doesn't just...

get your flight I know I might just send them the bill be like here you go like play dumb there you go you guys are covering this right yeah of course okay I think that's an easy email back no we're not yeah I don't think you're just gonna fucking Jedi mind tricked into paying for but they should I remember back in the day doing late night sets on like Cordon and they wouldn't pay for even like a coach ticket and I was like wow that's fucked up yeah because it's not but then you just like you route it with a I'd route it with like a weekend at like the punchline or something right wasn't like a waste but

I think that's crazy. It's CBS, but that's how much money they were hemorrhaging. Right. That's why they're fucking not doing a late night hosting. 20 million a year. Whoa. We all just assume TV. They have zillions and zillions. They were hemorrhaging that much fucking money. Wow. And they're bringing it back. I think Hardwick's going to host. No.

No. Did you hear that? Maybe I got a bad intel. No, I think it's just that I don't think they have a host. I think they're just doing at midnight. Oh, okay. Oh, that's right. Okay. That's the first step before they go to full-on AI. I know, right? They just get no host, and they're like, this is... I watch some shows, and I'm like, this is fucking... Well, TV sucks. I mean, look, no offense to Late Night. We did it for years, but even Conan's like, I'm doing a podcast. This shit's over. It feels a little antiquated. Like, who sits down and watches Fallon? Okay.

Oh, here we go at 11 p.m. I know. You know, bowl of popcorn. Who's on? JWoww? Oh, boy. I can't wait. You know, who gives a shit? Is JWoww still on? I threw out a crazy name. I think she was on back when Louie was on that Leno. Yeah, you might be right. She got a lot of surgery. But, you know, fucking all these shows, like, I did a girl who's like, I come home and like Bravo is on. I'm like, get this shit off my TV. Oh, my lady does the same. I don't want to, like. Cut to six months later, you're watching.

No, it's been six months. I don't watch. There's another one where it's just like, it's called Below Deck and it's just people yodding. Holy shit are these motherfuckers boring. This was before, this is how we got to AI. This is literally like, we get dumb fucking uninteresting idiots with no talent.

Yeah. It costs us less. Yeah. You don't have to pay writers. So now you're already not paying writers. We have the show. I'm not saying you can't have... Look, people like reality, but you can't deny this is how we got here. Of course. Of course. It was the end. It was the death of TV. I mean, like this, is it cake? Who the hell would do that show? I just taped an episode. But...

You know what's funny? I was there with me and Christina P. Oh, I love P. She loves the show, though, because she has kids. It's a family show. That guy Mikey Day from SNL hosted. He's funny. He's awesome. And also, I was making jokes. I'm like, none of these are going to make the show. Like, literally, one of them, they were like, this is a hard choice between these two. And I was like, yeah, this is harder than Kevin Spacey at a bar mitzvah. Silence. Dead silence. What?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, he was laughing, but you tell the crew, it was like, no. Now, you see, this is another reason why TV's dying. It's not just because of the Fallon JWoww shit. It's because comedy, that's the best joke on the show, I guarantee it. It's a family show. I kept digging a hole. At one point, I was like, I mean, both of you, you're killers. This is like choosing between Menendez brothers, you know? Oh,

That's great. I kept digging a hole and I'm like, they're not going to, they're like, we're not using any of these. We got to get some grip to get the footage. Just post that shit. That'll go viral. That happened to me on AGT is that they cut all my funny shit and then like, like, you know, off set. And then you're, uh, I had an editor, uh,

like, DM, like, Twitter message me, like, holy shit, I'm laughing my ass off. I can't believe you're, like, you're making jokes about, like, you know, muff diving and shit. Like, you know? Muff diving. Yeah, they're like, how the hell? I'm like, yeah, they hated me. I was like, that's probably why they were like, get rid of this fucking guy. Well, we know from experience, you do these morning shows, like, hello,

Cincinnati or whatever at six in the morning and you do it, you play ball and you go, yeah, thanks Maria. This is a beautiful city. You bomb. But if you go up and go, Hey, my dad molested me or whatever it is. And they're like, this is horrible, but you sell the tickets. That is the morning show playbook. It's like chapter one where you molested. Yeah.

Were you not? Pretend you were. It still hits. Yeah, yeah. That lady hits you in the back with a clipboard like, so, any funny stories? And you're like, yeah. So my dad was in the gulag and he fucked me every day or whatever it is. And they're like, well, we can't do anything. So I'm like, but that's funny. It's also hard because I have a person who books me on this shit and every time...

She's like, fuck, I can't ask them for live TV or they know you're going to fuck with them. Totally. You just have to hope it's live. Yes. Yes. It's so true. But is it cake? I mean, those are great lines. They were incredibly talented, though. The people make it. We're talking about no talent. These people are incredibly talented. Who, the backstage? No, the people making the cake. Oh, those people are amazing. Oh, my God. Wizards. Because they're not only making a great tasting cake, but it looks incredible. I was like, I couldn't believe...

like how much work that must have taken and then it's also tough because you know one of the people gets eliminated when we're on the show and your instinct is to make a joke right like this woman's crying i'm like i'm like fuck this is like their dream so i had to like pull back on a couple because i'm like i don't want to be a but i'm like i'm so close to being like i've seen that look before but you have to like pull back and don't say shit right because she's incredibly talented and she and this is a setback for her sure sure damn

Those people are amazing. We've been eliminated off reality shows. It sucks. Dude, I did Last Comic Standing. I made it to the semifinals. I got some kind of illness. H. Pylori. So I'm up there, and I'm like, I'm doing well. And I'm like, oh, I can't remember my joke. My brain was all foggy. And then Roseanne goes, what happened? You know, they have to do the judges panel. What happened? Years later, you said that to her. Ha, ha, ha.

yeah, what happened? I was like, Ambien. But she was like, what happened? The first set you were so good, and it went well, and this set you were a little off, and I was like, well, I got AIDS, and it killed. And then they were like, the guy in the back was like, what are you doing? And then Keenan Ivory Wayans said something, and he goes, yeah, this just wasn't your best performance. I go, well, I appreciate that, Damon. That

got a laugh but they cut all this out and I was zinging the hosts and I was like oh I felt so good like hey I was funny there even though my set sucked and they don't play any of it yeah that's the worst because those are all great lines and you're like all I have here I'm going down all I have is like you're fucking Tony Montana and Scarface you're getting shot a million times you're just trying to take a few people with you right

I mean, essentially, all you have is him getting shot in the back of the head. That's it. You don't have the cool, like, I went out like a G, though. Right. Say hello to my little zinger. That's all you got. And then you get shot in the face. Yeah, that's...

That's fucked. Oh, by the way, I got a hot rec for you guys. You might have seen this. I did Burr's podcast when I was in LA and I hit him with Manhunter as a rec and he hit, which I love, dude. Fuck, you love that movie. Yeah, oh yeah. But then he hits me with, I didn't know it was a John Huston movie. It's called Fat City.

Fat City. It's with young Jeff Bridges. He's like 22. He's a boxer in Stockton, California. And then we get Stacey Keach, who's like the washed up boxer. Love Keach. Dude, it's fucking good. It's a dark movie. It is not a feel good movie. Whoa. Did you watch it? It's incredible. Oh, really? Yeah. Thank you. I'm in. I have never heard of this. It's heartbreaking, but it's so fucking good. Did Burt let you get a word in? No, Bill Burr. Oh.

Oh, okay. God, I think I said Bert. Yeah, Bill Burr loves movies. It sounds like one of the people in the movie. No. Wow, I'm already in. Just the font and the... Oh, look at that picture. I love it. Oh, dude, John Huston. It's so cool to watch a guy kind of near the end of his career directing because you're like, oh, you just know how to make a great movie. Yes. You just know how to not...

I read Ebert's review after, and it was like some of the critics of this movie say that there's not enough suspense. He's like, but that wouldn't work for a movie like this. This is so real. It's such a gritty, real movie. It reminds me a little bit of The Wrestler, but it's a very different...

I mean, you know, the bleakness. I mean, I'm not giving anything away. Once you start watching this, you're like, this ain't going to be a feel good film. What is Fat City? Can we know what town that is? It's Stockton, California. Oh, got it. Got it. Nate Diaz. And the director like that. Do you see his fight? No. With Jake Paul? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I lost some money on that one. You bet on Nate Diaz? Don't say he hasn't seen it.

Of course. I mean, he's, what is this? The fucking Sopranos? No, I've seen it. I mean, Oh, okay. Sorry. I thought you were like, I don't spoil it. No, no. Yeah. No, you get two weeks. You get two weeks. Not even two weeks. No, I see. No, I'm saying I've seen, I was just shaking my head at like, yeah, bad fight. But,

But Paul is underrated. People go, he's a YouTube star, Mickey Mouse Club. But no, he's a hell of a puncher. He can fight. I was just going to say about Houston, like director at the end of their career is like they're in don't give a fuck mode. Yes. Criticism, critics, what their views are. Can you imagine like if you didn't have that inner critic in your mind, what you could create or like worry about what critics are going to say? Oh, yeah. You just know how to make a flick, you know? Yeah. Right. I'm all in on that. Hey, hey.

Sally baby! Come on in, we're rolling. Oh, we're rolling right now? Oh yeah. We usually do a little intro here, yeah. Hey.

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for 20 off your first purchase again create an account redeem with code drunk for 20 off your first purchase terms apply download game time today last minute tickets lowest price guaranteed love it what's up what's up buddy i gotta do a live on the air apology oh you're fine no you're good for 20 minutes no i know i was in a cab too i got out and i walk with this little fucker but then i

But then I had a microphone. Oh, shit. I just jumped out of my car and ran here. Oh, jeez. You let them run him? Two avenues over. I was my assistant just running and getting in the car in the middle of traffic. Wow. You know, it's just like New York. That's what we do. Explain the shirt. David Arquette ruined your life? Oh, you don't know? I never told you that story? No, no. Oh, baby. Here we go. Really? I never told you that story? I love David Arquette. Oh, I hate the fucking guy. Oh, shit. Yeah, I hate him. I literally hate him.

Really? If I saw him, we would fight. If I saw him, we would fight. Really? Whoa! The kids call it on sight. Can you not watch Scream? Thank you. You hate him that much? Yeah. No, I saw Scream. Before we get into it, what are we drinking here? This is, well, for Sal, that's a stroll through the garden. For you guys, it's a stumble through the garden. Mmm.

Why is it a stroll? A stroll? That's not an alcohol. I'll take a stumble big time. I'll take a double stumble. I will say, I talked to Matt. I told him I didn't really need to drink at this hour unless you guys wanted to. I'm fine with it. But then he said, no, no big deal. But I'll tell you the morning I've had, make that a double stumble. Really? Make that a fall flat on your fucking face in the garden. Oh, say what? I got you. What is the alcohol in there? Vodka. That's fine. He's coming in hot today, folks. Coming in hot. There we go. I like to hear it. There we go. But before we get into the story, what are the ingredients?

The ingredients are hibiscus, blueberry, basil, a little bit of ginger, a little honey, everything. So basically, the stroll through the garden is just everything in the garden, a little lemon, everything else, and then we add a good, healthy, very healthy dose of vodka in there. Can we get a little bowl, one for the dog as well? A little pup bowl? Absolutely. Did you notice the dog? I did. Yeah. Tell us the...

David O. Kessler. First of all, I love the new studio. Really? Oh, thank you. I haven't been here since you guys had the new studio. You guys really, I mean, this is an excellent, excellent job. This guy right here, Matt Peters. Killed it. That is something else. This is a nice room. Thank you, sir. It's comfortable. It's climate controlled. It's spacious. It's stylish. I will say, your studio, a bit of a letdown. Yeah. I went down there downtown. You got a million dollars. DeRosa's going to die soon. You might as well.

spruce it up a little bit, huh? Cheers. You're 100% correct. I don't know how to studio. I have a room that I turned the camera on in. I got you. You know what I'm saying? I got to be out of that place in December, so I didn't want to go too hard. Dude, this is fucking excellent. Oh, that's good. This is delicious. I don't even taste the vodka. Well, theirs is the stumble through the garden. Yours is the stumble around the garden.

What does that mean? It's a little stronger. I want to do fall on my face. Oh, come on. These two thought the pod was on Monday and they terrified me. I was looking at my phone. I look like 40 minutes later. It was my fault. Yeah, but this is how Salacuse is fucking with me.

Matt, I'm at Chipotle taking orders. You have two minutes. Norman missed it on my way. And I go, wait, we're on Thursday. I thought I don't have that. We have a pod today. Matt writes back. Bad Intel. Good burrito. I don't know what any of this means. The hell are you talking about? I write back. I said, Sal said, August 31st. Mark, you said you were in L.A. today. Am I missing something? Matt Salicus writes back. Dates got crossed.

What? Very vague. You're like a Marine.

But this is three texts to give me the we don't have a pod today. Right, right, right. That was Monday. Yeah, yeah. That was on me. I told him we had a pod because I thought we did. I showed up with my kid. We were both there. Oh, now he's divorced. No, it's a girl I'm seeing's dog. Oh, she's at work. And I was like, I hang with the guy during the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the dog's name? Winnie. Winnie? One-eyed Winnie. I or E? Y or IE? Winnie.

W-I-N-N-I-E. Okay. Like Winnie Cooper? Yeah, dude. I know Winnie Cooper. Wait, wait. Really? Yeah. Royal mathematician? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Not growing pains. Yeah, no. Wonder years. Wonder years. Her name is Danica McKellar. Very pretty lady. Yeah. Very pretty gal. Everyone's crushed back in the day. You got that right. I'm dying to hear this David Arquette story. He's a piece of shit. But why is he a piece of shit? And I don't have any qualms saying that's why I made this goddamn shirt. Lay it on me, Fanny. Lay it on the story. No, back in the day, I ended up seeing one of his exes and...

Courtney Cox? What's that? Courtney Cox? No, no, no. Cougar Town? No, not Courtney Cox. There he is. And I saw him at a party, and he came up to me. We had a couple of words. I didn't know him. I had nothing against him. A couple of words. This has got to be now 2012. Oh, wow. This goes back. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You never heard the story? No, no. Yeah, this asshole doxed me. Oh.

What? Yes. He put my stuff up on... Because you dated a girl he used to date. Yeah, he didn't say it was because I... He did it for another reason. What was the other reason? No, no, I mean, he didn't say it was because of that, but he leaked my stuff on Twitter. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a psycho. I know, I know. Well, doesn't he have... He has some mental stuff, right? I don't know. He's known for... No, that I don't know. I don't know anything about his mental stuff. But I think he's got some... He's bipolar. No, no, no. That I have nothing about. I just have the gripe about how he did that to me. And I've literally...

been like waiting to see him at events just so I could just go up to him and yeah. I mean, he's a real piece of shit. Yeah, well, we got your back. Fuck this guy. And fuck Rosanna too while we're at it. No, it's not cool at all. Fuck them all. Fuck the whole family. Oh no, she's alive. No, I hate the whole family actually. Yeah, well, that's crazy. You can't add a celebrity doing that to another celebrity. I know. You should know. You know, come on. Also though, completely fucking around. You made that up? Yeah. Ah!

I'm fucking on my face in the garden right now. I'm actually I'm actually I'm a big fan of his

He wrestles and this is a wrestling record. I'm actually a bum for his ex. I'm like, fuck, I love Scream. That's one of my favorites. No, I love David Arquette. Speaking of wrestling, you know what's an underrated flick with him? Ready to Rumble. With the other guy? As I'm saying, he's a wrestler. He actually wrestles once in a while and he really sacrifices his body. Really? Yeah. Look up some of his matches. He's, I mean, fuck.

fully covered in blood. Oh, he's bipolar. Yeah. I don't know. I made that up too. I was like, I was like, all right, I'm having fun, but then you're like mental. I'm like, no, no, I don't know. Holy shit. I went from like shitting on his dead transistor to like, did you see you ready to rumble? By the way, you know, someone is not going to get to the end of that story. They're just going to, they're going to be like, well, fuck him. Yeah.

Holy shit. I was going to wait until the end, but then I thought that, and I was like, let me just say something. That was incredible, man. You held that commitment. Yeah, I wish I thought of a better story, but on the moment, on the floor, I don't think it was either. No, that was killer. He's actually, I think he's a very, very sweet guy. I look forward to meeting him one day. Yeah. Maybe this will get back to him, and maybe he'll have a mercy. That's crazy, so you've never met him. He's going to shit himself for the first three minutes of the story. What the hell? Holy shit. Did I do that? What?

And Courtney Cox was a real piece. Yeah. Pull up the photo of her in Ace Ventura. I feel like she doesn't get her due because she got in the Jennifer Aniston shadow. Yeah, yeah. She had her own thing going on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. She was hot in those Scream movies. She also has a rasp. And let me tell you something right now. You can't buy a rasp. Yes. You either have it or you don't. And it's not common. Good point. I mean, look at that. Look at those shoulders, the eyes. I mean, hot tamale. Yeah. Also, she was the girl in Bruce Springsteen's video. That's right. That was like when she was super young, right? That was her first, like, before we knew her. Those are the years I liked. She got on stage with the boss. Wow. I think that broke her. Like dancing in the... Dancing in the dark? Was that it?

Look at that. Oh, so cute. She's another example. And I like the cocks. Wait a minute. But she's an example of too much surgery. Just let it age. All right, I'm getting doxxed. But she's a beautiful woman. LA is a fucked up place, man. It is. It is.

He can't play the boss. What do you got? Old fucking doxes. So was this... I mean, it must have been planned, right? Oh, this is the video. So he like cast... She was cast. She was cast. Totally. But this is at a real concert. So they were duping everyone else there? Or is that not a real concert? That's a real concert. It is. I think it's planned. She wouldn't be... She'd be shitting herself.

Man, he was a hunk. So everybody there just thought that he pulled someone on stage, but he actually had ulterior motives. Oh, yeah. It's like a couple of comics we know. They have plants. All right. Wait, click on the one with the people and plants. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you later. Speaking of garden, running through the garden, who's got the plants? Let's talk about it. He's doing the garden. Well, speaking of that, maybe thinking of that Guns N' Roses song, The Garden.

I don't know. Play this at the beginning. No, The Garden. Play this at the beginning. Welcome to The Garden. No. We got our kit. Guns N' Roses was fucking awesome. Some say the best American band. I don't know about that. I don't know about that either. You know this tune? You ever seen me in concert? No. I did. I did recently, though. Like five years ago. I heard he's weird now. I thought he... I didn't know what to expect, and he had the same exact pipes, dude. He didn't hold back. Love it. God bless the man, yeah. Love to hear it.

Yeah, he was a cute guy. Threw the N-word around quite a bit. Get outta here. In the song. Even Slash was like... Really? What song was that? Ah, give it a goog. I can't remember this. Oh yeah.

I kind of dipped out after they did that 10-minute song. Yeah. Remember, right? After that, I dipped out. I liked Appetite, and then I liked Lies, Lies, Lies. Yep, yep, yep. Yes. I have fun trivia about one of those. You know the song that says, I used to love her, but I had to kill her. And then he goes, she's buried right in my backyard. I found out years later he was talking about his dog.

Wow. How about that? I thought you were going to say Phil Spector wrote that line. That's crazy. Oh, you're going to play the N-word?

Yeah. We'll cut this. Yeah, maybe we don't play this. Just proving my point. Yeah. We believe you. Slash was black. It's okay. We didn't play the Michael Richards rant either. We just talked about it. Slash was something. Half black, half Jew, I believe. Yeah. He was exotic. He was a hunk. He's in the Hanukkah song. That's the only reason I know. Dude, you know who the fuck was at my show in LA? I ran an hour. The fucking Chili Peppers were at my show. Shut up. I'm not kidding. All of them? No. Speaking about the garden. Everyone but Flea. What?

And I'm kind of bummed because Flea is such a hoops guy. I feel like we would have hit it off. Oh, is he? You didn't know? No. Fucking Tom Takara's opening my show. And he was like, dude, Anthony Kiedis and all the chili peppers are in the crowd. And I was like, what? They didn't come back? No. Apparently, Tom Takara's friend is out there. And he's like, Anthony Kiedis is looking for a merch stand. I was like, oh, I didn't bring merch. Whoa.

And I was like, what the fuck? We could have gotten him. Someone send him a shirt. Are you kidding us right now? No. And then he fucking docks me. No, he was. No, he was. They were at the show and I was like, someone find them. They're like, we can't find them. Oh, God damn it. I mean, did you find out if he went through the agency to get tickets? No. Now I just picture Anthony Kiedis like literally on like.

You know, like, ticket master, like, all right. He's like, these fees are outrageous. I can't believe. Wow, it's crazy that he would go to a show just because he's, like, so famous. He went out in public. That's a weird show in L.A. Yeah. You do a show in, I guess, it can happen in New York, too, but L.A. is, like, so many people live there. Oh, you could have met Kiedis. I could have met Kiedis. I picture him in his tighty-whities just from that concert.

Kiedis! I bitched out on saying hello to him one time at an event too. Really? He was sitting right in front of me. Wow. And I just was like, that's Anthony Kiedis. What is this? Oh, that's a shot of that. We're going to calm Sal down real quick. Oh, okay. This is a shot of this? Yes. Okay.

I'm calm now. Yeah, yeah, we're all right. Don't try to get us hammered there, dude. What is this? Oh, that's literally my job. Okay. I'm ready when you guys are. But yeah, that Kiedis, he's a fun guy, and they've been doing this for four decades of just rocking out. Ironically, mostly shirtless. That's true. Do you have any actual beef? Yeah, I'm just saying he still has a great body. Oh, yeah. Do you have any actual celebrity beef? Jesus, do I?

Probably not. Not me. Yeah. No, I can't. If one doesn't come to mind immediately. Right. I probably don't. I can make another one up if you want. I heard you and Fred Savage. Not friends. We found out that I was with Winnie. Oh, yeah. She is. Did you know that? She's like a she's a published mathematician. Wow. She writes books about math. Because you always assume she's cute and she's in a show. So she must be an idiot. Yeah.

Not an idiot, but just like ditzy. Not an mathematician. Yeah, exactly. And hot. You see that guy, Ben McKenzie? She's awesome. Ben McKenzie from the OC wrote a book shitting on crypto and it's like kind of taken off. Really? Pull it up. Yeah, but he's like the fucking hot guy from the OC. Exactly. That's my point. You just assume they're all vapid. Yeah. So he wrote a book about pro-crypto. No, anti-crypto. He's like, this is bullshit. So the guy from the OC wrote...

took it upon himself to write an anti-financial crypto book. He was an economics major. He's not a dumb guy. I think he knows economics. He was like, I'm writing a book on this. Yeah, but...

If I knew about crypto, you couldn't pay me enough to write a book about crypto. I know, right? You know what I mean? Like, why would I? Look at this guy. He's a hunk still. Yeah, he could still get it, dude. Oh, yeah. And now he's an author? So you got the OC and author to back it up? Have you seen the OC? Oh, yeah. I used to rub one out to the OC. Misha Barden? Come on, dude. I don't know a thing about it. Really? Yeah. Oh.

I know it took by... It was like... Huge. Was that like my 90210? Yes. Yes. Exactly. Look at it. It was all hot. I got you by just a few years, but it's enough for me not to know the answer. Well, what are you? 41? Sure. All right. All right. Yeah, they were all sexy. This drink's a problem, dude.

You get us lit up in the afternoon. You're a Staten Islander. By the way, front line of the Post, Staten Island's trying to secede from New York City. Oh, boy. What's that about? That's been like that forever, though. They're giving it another go? That's been since I'm a kid. They've been saying that. How many years? Yeah. I grew up in Staten Island. What does that mean? It's just not a borough? It's a borough. It's like the step of...

kid borrow yeah right step kids i am one but uh me too now they've been trying to i guess they just don't feel like they jive with everybody else which is the truth yeah well it's a bunch of cops and firemen i mean i went to chris d's house it's like uh virginia out there you know they're all blaring a rich man from richmond and uh they're going to town what did they say why

We pay more taxes than the rest of the city. Oh, is that right? Actually, I don't necessarily disagree with that. I don't want to not be a New Yorker, but like, yeah, we pay the same taxes as people who live in Manhattan. That makes sense. It's like, take it easy a little bit there, right? Yeah. We're in the burbs. Do you think you're more Jersey or more Brooklyn? Staten Island.

Oh, good question. It's an amalgamation. I would say more Jersey, actually. I would say that, too, but I didn't want to say it out loud. Yeah. Damn. DeStefano was trying to lead an exodus. He was trying to pull like a Rogan Austin move with all of us. He was like, come to Staten Island. I'm like, I'm not fucking coming, dude. I'm not going. Do you remember when comics bought the ferry?

Yeah, what happened with that? They got jammed up with permits and stuff like that. You can't just have a floating bar on the Hudson. It already has a bar on it. Yes, I understand. That's what I agree with that as well. I'm just yelling at the government. I want to start that bar. Pete Davidson, I want to start that bar. I saw the plans.

for what they were trying to do and it's it's amazing really the plans are amazing it's a great idea in theory i almost i when i thought it was going to happen i contemplated uh asking them if i could shoot my special on oh don't fucking do that to yourself i know i know norman did a tonight show sit on there which is it was fine because it was doing covid i would not do that shit otherwise no big well i thought it would be like you know done and the theater will be in there you know light it up and have the

Beautiful shots of it. Sure. That's kind of my identity, that boat. Pretty badass. Yeah. But no. I'm doing it at the Vic now. Hey, the Vic. Yeah. It's me, you, Norm, and Bill Hicks. So we got a good alumni. There it is. Some of the other people have shot there, right? Probably. Yeah. I don't know. When does this drop? I think for 12? 2028. What?

Oh, right on. There you go. All right, 9-11. Tickets go on sale. Tickets go on sale the 15th, this Friday then. Is this for Netflix, YouTube, Seesaw, Grindr? What are we talking? It's one of a couple of those you named. Okay, okay. I'm choosing between a couple things. Ooh, baby. It's not that salacious, actually. Oh.

But I don't know so the pre-sales the 13th and 14th the codes no fresh and then 15th is no fresh It's December 2nd Saturday December 2nd. You hear that Kiedis get your fat ass over to Chicago I see the peppers there. I think Chicago's a top three comedy easy. Yeah, it's just so good They're just like you guys you eat those Midwestern people, but also it's still like a fucking city, right? Chicago

Don't let us down. Great town. I'm at the fucking Chicago Theater September 30th, so come the fuck out. I don't want to jizz out of school, but Matt Rife sold out eight Chicago theaters. No offense. Like next year. Yeah, exactly. No, he's doing quite well. Quite well. There's a lot of horny milfs out there. Yeah. Eight? That's kind of nutty. It's like 3,500 seats, isn't it?

That's probably a record of some kind. Well, for the record, I'll be happy with one sellout. Oh, yeah. That's terrific. Well, that's how big comedy is now. If you get one sellout, you're like, eh, I was hoping to add a show. Not in a venue that big, I'm cool with one. That's true. I know what you mean. Sometimes you're in like an 800-seater in a weird city, and you're like, just one in Knoxville. Right. You got to take that W. I got to tell you, I did St. Louis last weekend. Had a blast. Which venue? It's called The Factory. Yeah. You did it? How's that backstage, though? Oh!

Oh my God. You want to live back there. Pull it up. Pull up a picture. It's not ideal for kind of like the ceilings are crazy high, but just the way they treat you and it's so pretty looking. It's got a pageant. What's that? I think I did the pageant when I was there. Oh, okay. Did you do the pageant? It's got almost like more so a music venue. Yes, yes. So it's got that thing. So it's a factory in St. Louis.

I do like when the upper, like the mezzanine goes all the way around. I love that. Which I think they had, if I remember correctly. They did have that. Yeah. But it was a little cavernous, yeah. It's a little cavernous, but man. It's beautiful. Beautiful, sold out, hot crowd. But yeah, the ceiling was definitely too high. Dude, St. Louis...

I mean, we've been playing there for fucking years. There's something about St. Louis where they drink, they're fun, they're blue collar, it's a sports town. There's a lot of good shit going for it. And their pizza, I'm sorry, it ain't that great. You guys got to settle down with this Provel cheese. Provel, no thank you. I don't hate it, but I'm also not like, you got to...

they're so proud of it. I'm like, it's fine. Yeah. They drink so... They're such alcoholics that they think it's good. There it is. Yeah, I don't... I tried it. I didn't think anything of it. No offense. But I was there about a month ago doing shows and I...

I have a busy schedule and I needed to get some weed. And so I went, they sell it there. So I went to an official place. Yeah. I bought some weed and I was going to take it on. I bought the max allowance. Yeah. Wow. I'm busy. You max out. What are you, Snoop Dogg? Yeah, exactly. Jesus. So the max allowance isn't anything crazy. It's just like they don't want to think you're a drug dealer. How do you max it out? It's not like 700 bucks there. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. But you could fly back with all that. Not necessarily. So I left there.

I left there and I lay let you and I've done it before and whatever. So I was like – I just looked at it and I was like – so I asked around. They were like, you're taking a risk. But the biggest thing is that they'll just take it from you, maybe give you a slap on the wrist. Because you bought it legally. Whatever, right? So I realized I bought like 25 pre-rolls and I was like, if it goes through the x-ray and they see 25 things that look like 25 joints, they're probably going to take it from me. Sure. So I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to FedEx. Yeah.

So I went into FedEx. It's a drug leader. They don't even know it. Yeah, exactly. I went into FedEx. I packed it all up. I taped it. I paid like $65 to get it shipped overnight. I get home the next day. It's not there. The next day, it's not there. The next day, it's not there. I call. I say, FedEx, I'm like, what's going on? I paid $65. It's not here. I'm leaving. I needed it by today. Yeah. So the guy goes, all right, I'll refund you the $65 and I'll try to get it to you tomorrow. Okay, all right. Next morning, it comes. I get it. I open it up.

Half the weed's missing. Oh, some fucking GD having motherfucker at the FedEx plant said, what's he going to do? What's he going to do? That's pretty brilliant. Literally, they took the best of it and they took 350 bucks worth. It was the only thing that was the best of it. It was like medicinal, really strong stuff that they had. And basically, that was the only thing in there. And it smelled like weed. And they're like, there's probably weed in here. And if it is, I'm going to take it out. When they saw it was all weed, they're like, I have to leave some.

Right. They take that shit back up and I got it half empty. So somebody at FedEx. What if they were like, look, he's going to get arrested if it's 700, but if it's 350, it's legal. Yeah, I'm sure they were looking out for him. Wait, Mark, you're pointing it out by Mitch Hedberg because he has that famous joke. Yeah. I said the joke. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's why I pointed at him.

Thanks for the recap. You remember when he said Mitch Hedberg had this famous joke? It goes like this. Wait, do you remember when Mitch Hedberg had that famous joke? There you go. But now two things. I was so mad. I was like, because there's going to be no justice. No, no, you got fucked. And I was like, I might indict myself and just get him in trouble. What if you just checked the bag? I don't know what ended up happening. What would they do if you checked the bag?

You'd be fine. I fly with drugs all the time. Even if you have a lock on a bag, you have the TSA key. They open it. They could probably do the same shit. I was just like, why even bother? So I just did that, and I was like, this is unbelievable.

I just don't know if it was on the St. Louis end or the, you know, my, our end. I'm thinking St. Louis. I'm going through security coming back from Calgary. I did a fucking really fun show in Calgary with Dan Soder and Nick Offerman at Great Outdoors Fest. Great show. I'm coming back and going through security. The guy takes my, I had a Theragun with me, a massage gun. Oh, I got it. The same thing. The mini. They're so good. I love it. I got it, babe. Oh, dude, you fucking, you exercise, you're tight. It really works. As soon as it touches your body, no matter where it is, you go, oh my

Yeah, they're not a fight. They should be a sponsor. I'll fucking plug the shitty fucking piece of shit. Send us around The little ones are better too. Yeah, but anyway, I you know, he takes it out He goes he goes is this a massage tool and I go it's a theragun. He goes a gun I was like, oh, you know what? I fucking man. Don't I don't say gun in the airport to me. I'm fucked now. Yeah, I said it but he reacted right, right He's like it's a therabomb

It's a pricing gun. No, no. Come on. A gun's a gun. It's a caulking gun. Those things are fucking awesome. The best. By the way, I don't know if I ever talked to you about this, maybe, because I don't remember the last time, but buy yourself a pricing gun. Sorry, a tag, a pricing tag. Huh? Go on eBay. Yeah. Get yourself for like six bucks, seven bucks. You get the thing that puts the plastic tags on the shirt. Yeah. Got a little plastic tag. Yeah, yeah. You buy that yourself. Huh. And then-

Whenever you want, you just, whenever you buy clothes, you rip the tag off, you save it. If you're not liking it, if you don't... Oh, this is genius. Because you got to have the tags. And you return it? And you take it back. That is brilliant. So you make up the price? That thing. No, I just put it right back on and return it. But what I started to do is now I never take, I don't take tags off clothes now.

I literally don't. I don't take them off. I just keep them on. It's like rapper shit. I just have to make sure I wear it a bunch. It's funny you say that, because I just went to Old Navy to buy some underwear and shit I forgot to pack, and I stole a shirt, because I feel like, eh, I'm paying overpriced for these underwear. I'm going to steal a shirt. Old Navy's whole thing is they're not overpriced. Well, it wasn't my book. So I stole a shirt, but I didn't realize I had the doohickey, the security beep, beep, beep thing. Oh, that's...

That's big. That's big. So I'm wearing this hoodie, and I'm buying the underwear. I'm chatting up with the lady. She had no teeth. It was in St. Louis. And then I get to the door, and it goes, boo!

And I went, oh, shit, I'm fucked. And she goes, you're good. Because we had the chat up. So that's my Rick. So I'm going to wear the shirt next time. It's got the big old white doohickey on there. And I wear it all over town. This is the motherfucker that talented Mr. Ripley. He's incredible. He charms people. Yes. It's fun to wear that with it in perpetuity now that it's on there. But when you walk in and out of the stores, you're going to be setting off the alarms. Well, I'll never go back. Any store. Oh, good point. I never shop. You know what you should do?

you should get them to accuse you of stealing. And then they call the cops, they detain you. And then if they're wrong, that's a lawsuit. That's big. Yeah, that's big. That's what they don't stop. Anyway, see all these videos of people just walking out. I know. Doing COVID, that was the worm out of that store.

With tags all over you. I'm a good citizen. It's literally like guys' grocery games. I know. They're just grabbing shit to take out of a fucking supermarket. Supermarket sweep. That's a great point. Let me just say this about the drugs. I've been flying with drugs for weeks now. No one has stopped me. Okay. But I did it on accident. People give me shrooms. I throw them in my bag. I've been flying with Class A or whatever the hell it is, Class 6 drugs. Yeah, yeah. And one time I went to Europe, and I have the same suitcase from like 1988. Yeah. You know, it's like a suitcase.

And I was flying to Europe, and then the guy goes, you're in big trouble. They pulled me out of the line. I was like, oh, shit, what the hell? Turns out I have all this Tylenol in my bag because of the hangovers. It popped open, and over time, just throwing the bag around, it got to a chalky powder. You're kidding me. So I have all this chalky white powder all over my bag, and they're like, you're going to jail. You're a coke smuggler. And I'm like, no, no, sir, it's Tylenol. He's like, Tylenol? What the fuck am I, an idiot? And then one old grizzle guy came in and went,

He's good. That's nuts that he'll dip a hand in your luggage and just taste that right there. Not even like, cause they got, I guess they got to make that call in the moment. Right. But who's gets that job?

Who's the guy that they say, come here, we need you to do coke right now? And that's his job. Oh, so true. You know an ex-NARC guy? He just comes in, he's like, yeah, I got thrown off the NARC force. I played too hard. Now I'm a TSA guy. And I love the guy who knows, they always go, it's pure. Who's the guy who knows the difference between pure and unpure coke with one taste? Where do I apply? He's like, it's extra strength, but he's fine. Um...

What about your clothing, though? If you have just chalky white disintegrated town hall forever in there, and you're pulling clothes in and out of there. I rarely wear black for that reason. So I could get a new suitcase, but fuck that. Isn't your suitcase just unsanitary? Yeah. You wear the same underwear and just turn it inside out. That's right. Yeah. I bought new ones at Old Navy. Yeah.

Yeah, you have... Uh-oh. If I ranked your hygiene just from what you've told me, it's subpar. It's subpar. Not great hygiene. Not great. It's like a D, you know? Are you a D? I wouldn't flunk you, but... It's not about a D. You shower a lot or no? I go three times... Three times... I shower every three days. That's my rule. That's not a lot. What? It's fucking summer in New York, dude. Well, if you Google showering, I think it's bad for you. Uh-oh.

And if you Google Mark Norman shower, you'll get a really funny story. Yeah, well, it's rare. And the wife hates it. My balls smell like an old coffin. Yeah. You know, you could fix that. Just throw in like one extra shower here and there. Yeah, but I think it's bad for your hair, your skin.

I'm telling you, the New York Times did a whole spread about this. Yeah, but they change their mind every fucking week on everything. You go to the New York Times one week, they're like, coffee is bad for you. The next week, they're like, coffee prevents cancer. Make up your fucking mind on coffee. I'm telling you. Either way, I'm drinking coffee. It's good for your natural oils in your hair. Thank you. Maybe even your...

You still need to wash your balls. You're not doing any balls favors. You're not doing any balls favors. True, true. You don't even do a rinse. You gotta wash the balls. No rinse. If I'm gonna rinse, I'm gonna do the shower. I just, I understand, like, we not wanna use too much soap, or I understand, I don't shampoo too often. Okay. But like, but I just wanna fucking rinse. But that's the way to do it. You don't shampoo. Ah,

Oh, that's not bad. Hit those balls with a bar of soap here or there. Yeah, maybe you're right, but this could be the wet market thing. Everybody's like, it's from a wet market. It's a pangolin. Lab leak. Just saying. I think I'm ahead of the curve.

Friday night. That's fucking Saturday. Saturday night. You said it was every three days. Wait a minute. I might have my days off. I showered in L.A. That's five days ago. No, L.A. was two days ago. Oh, OK. Well, how about this? How often do you work out?

You work out a decent amount. Twice a week. No, you work out more than twice a week. Well, what are we talking? Push-ups or you're talking going to the gym? Going to the gym. Twice a week. You always shower after a workout.

Yeah. I remember dating a woman a while back who, like, just didn't shower, but she never smelled. Like, she smelled great, naturally. Have you ever smelled me? Be honest. Oh, God. Don't get in close. I'm just saying. No, no, no, no. Not bad. No, I wouldn't have pegged it for someone to shower three days ago. Okay. You smell pretty good. No, I remember this girl, like, whoo.

She would come straight from a workout class, and I'd be like, damn, she was just dry smelling good. Wow. Some people, I don't have that. I don't shower. I don't wear deodorant for eight hours. I've had women be like, dude, you got to do something. Well, you know why you have that? Because of the showering. Oh.

I don't know about this. All right. I mean, look, you might be right, but I also. You just proved it. You said the lady never showered. She never smelled. I think it depends on the person. That's true. I think there's. I mean, look, OK, there's a homeless guy in the street. He never showers. You're telling me that guy's fucking. Well, this is months. We're talking. I was walking to the ferry yesterday. You know how when it's so thick of a smell, you. Oh, I tasted a homeless person in the air yesterday.

Like, I literally tasted something before I smelled it. That sounds like a punishment. I was like, oh my God, I just tasted that guy. Right. It was like thick in the air. Thick. Yeah, that's the worst. That should be a punishment on your show. I mean... Taste that guy. Yeah. They should go to Sommelier to be like...

He's Asian, lives in the Bronx. Full Somalia on that motherfucker. Late off during the, you know, just to tell everything about him. Pandemic, divorced. He's got Hep C. Do you guys have peeves? We should do peeves. Oh, I got some peeves, baby. I always have peeves. By the way, my rec, the Johnny Manziel doc. You guys see that? I got an issue with it. Oh, shit.

shit. I liked it. It's fine. It's just about him. It's not the other one. The one about, yeah. Look, it's a Netflix series where they do the untold stories. Here's my issue with some of these docs. They're just fucking fluff pieces. Yeah. Speaking of docs, fuck David Arquette. Ah,

No, but I think some of these docs are not asking hard questions. It's just like fucking like, this is my, they're not asking him. It's no like, he's just like, I'm fine. And you're like, this dude. You think it glamorized him? Yes. This dude is like, clearly not fine. No. What the fuck is he doing? But they made it seem like. Did he have a part in making it? Because sometimes it's like, they make their own. Oh, true. And it's just really like, all of this is like a, a part of it.

puff piece. You know, I watched one of the ESPN ones on Dwayne Wade and his life story is incredibly interesting, but he, it was clearly like a PR. Oh, it's like, this is like, you did some bad shit here. And they'd be like, Dwayne Wade, you're like this many time all star. Then he had a child out of wedlock, got back with his ex. I'm like, wow, that was a quick section. And I'm like, that's the part I kind of want to hear more about. But yeah, you know, uh,

Because he does have an interesting life and he was a great player. And the Manziel shit is interesting, but I just wish they delved... I think it should have been... It's like one of the rare instances where it should have been more than an hour 10. You know Netflix loves to stretch a doc into an eight hour. Right. Where you're like, we didn't need eight hours on this, but... True. I wanted to know more. Yeah, yeah. But you didn't... I thought it was a fun... I'm not a huge football guy. It was interesting. I was on the edge of my... But I just thought it could have been so much better. That's my only critique on it. Okay. He's a...

I mean, interesting guy, reckless fucking player. But so good, just naturally gifted. At that level. At that level, yeah, true. I didn't know you were into sports at all. Well, I love a doc. He's getting in. I love a story. He's getting in like backwards through docs. Like, I feel like, also I feel like through our friendship, I'm like, I'm such a big sports guy that like I've kind of. Should we go to the game with him yet? The Knicks game? No. Next year for sure. I'm down. I would love to. No question we're going to games. Let's do it.

I love the live thing. You know, it's just the, oh, did you see they traded Buhner? And I'm like, I don't know. You know, that's too advanced for me. Seinfeld reference from 1994. Did you trade Jay Buhner? That's why I like UFC, though. Because to me, the cool, like the Manziel stuff, I'm like, wow, I would love to watch this guy now. So I need the backstory, which you all know, you know about the players in the NBA. When we go to a game, I will tell you literally the backstory of every player. Because to me, it's just faceless people shooting a basketball. But if I get the story,

Now we're cooking. I get that. I totally get it. I mean, when I go to Rangers games with Gary Veeder, Veeder is such a big hockey fan that he gives me the backstory. Right. And that gets me. Well, he goes in the locker room and interviews him all the time. Nice.

I can't wait to get Vitor on here. Gary Vitor is a Sports Illustrated reporter. That's right. He was so adorable. I mean, you see these old pictures. I mean, look at him. He's a fucking- Fucking Jordan. The perks of being a- I mean, I can't wait for his podcast about this to come out. I know. I'm going to share this. I didn't know this was out. Look at that. Little Gary with John Elway. Wow. Wow.

Make a wish. Phil Jackson. Wow. Look at that bowl cut. I know. I wish he had that bowl cut right now. He doesn't have any hair. I know. Could you imagine him with the bowl cut? He'd be famous.

Damn. Lemieux. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Cindy Crawford. Oh, there's Michael Jordan. Gary. So those of you that don't know what we're talking about, our buddy Gary Veeder's dad was a bit of a con man and would get Gary into any game he wanted using fake. This is back in the day where you could use like a fake game.

And no one... Bill Murray. Bill Murray! I never saw that one. He used fake credentials to get into any sporting event saying they were Sports Illustrated. Amazing. And he was a photographer. He was a reporter for Sports Illustrated for kids. For kids. This is a good dad, right? Is that a good dad? That's what I was just thinking. Not if you know the whole story. I'm not sure...

Well, you got to ask Gary, but I'm not even sure how much of what percentage of that pie chart was for him. Right. That's my point. I think the dad wanted to go to the games and he was like, I got this. I think it was like, I need to go to this game. You're a reporter. Ah, cancer. It's almost like using a little thing as a prop when they don't want to be there. I find it to be very upsetting. Like Adam Ray with Brad Williams. Deep cut. Deep cut. Hey, we're looking to get into the locker room. This is my cancer reporter son.

Do you need to check his credentials? I got them for both.

Oh, CRS. Yeah, bring him in. All right. I cut you off with a pee because of the man's. Oh, Sam's got treats in his pocket. There we go. Are you dog sitting? Is this the norm now? No, not always. But no, she's at work. So I'm like, I got to tell you, I like this position on that. I love this dog. It was a classic Jack Nicholson as good as it gets thing where I did not like this dog at first. She was snoring everywhere. And within a fucking week, I'm holding her up like, look at you. You know, it really turned around. Really knows how to just chill.

Right. I got a lot of peeves. Oh, I got one. I had a guy, a friend of a friend who emailed me recently, email heading Marvel Opportunity. Ooh. So I click on it. Exciting. He goes, I'd like you to play Loki in a YouTube series I'm making. Ah!

That ain't a Marvel opportunity. Wow. That's an opportunity to work with you, a guy who has two followers on YouTube. Wow. That was a low-key prank is what that was. No, he was offended that I wouldn't consider it. Oh, jeez. Well, I was like, it doesn't sound right for me. Good luck with it. And he was just like, well, you know, you're going to miss out, but I'm not going to press.

And I was like, all right. That's the guy who hits on a girl at a bar and she's like, no thanks. He's like, fucking dyke. She's married. What do you want? I had a friend growing up who was a fucking drunk and he went up to a girl at a bar once and he goes, let's be honest, you came here to get fucked. And she's like, no, I didn't.

And he was like, oh, okay. He just had to take the L. That was his confidence level. Let's be honest. Wow. Get fucked. No, I was going to say, I had a similar situation. Right out of college, I came back and I was, I bumped into someone I knew and they were like, what you been up to? And I'm like, oh, I'm filmmaking now. I'm directing commercials and stuff. And I was like, oh, that's cool. They said, as a matter of fact,

In a few days, I'm directing a Coca-Cola commercial. Oh, wow. And I was like, oh, cool. And they were like, do you want to be in it? And I was like, really? And he goes, yeah. And I go, a Coca-Cola commercial. He goes, yeah. Coca-Cola. I'm like, Coca-Cola. You've given him five outs now. Yeah, yeah. It was, yes, a Coca-Cola commercial. I was like...

sure are you sure he goes yeah so he tells me where to go and everything and I go home and I'm like you're never gonna believe this I ran into this guy he's been in business now he's doing commercial commercials and I'm in the Coca-Cola commercial I couldn't believe I'm like ah man I show up

It's him with a camcorder. Oh, no. Like three other people. He printed out his own credentials and we're on the campus of Wagner College and he doesn't even have a right to be there and he's just walking around and he has a case of his own cans of Coke. Oh,

Oh, my God. He hands me the Coke. He's like, all right, now run over there and laugh and open it and stuff. Is this Nathan Fielder? No, I'm like, what the hell? What is this? I'm like, this motherfucker, this isn't a Coca-Cola commercial. So I finally was like, what are you? And he's wearing a badge that says, ask me about my Coca-Cola commercial. Wow. Yeah, and so I was like. You showed up? Now I'm into it, right? And now he's like, oh, well, now we're going to a second location. We go to his home. Oh.

Oh, my Lord. He has a pool in the yard, and it's off season. And he goes, all right, I'm going to stand over here, get into your shorts or whatever. I guess he told me. And he goes, you're going to run and jump in the air, and I'm going to throw Coca-Cola cans at you. You're going to catch him and dive into the water. It was like October. Wow. So I did it. And then afterwards, I'm like, hey, this is a national. This is it for Coca-Cola. They know about this. He's like, no, I'm shooting a spec commercial to send to them to see if I can. Oh.

Wow. So, this was about a year ago? Well, technically, he didn't lie. He is shooting a Coca-Cola commercial. This was in the 90s. And do you know who that person came to be? Who? That's James Murray, the guy on my show. Oh!

No way. He hoodwinked me completely. Christopher Nolan. He completely hoodwinked me. Wow. Holy shit. Yeah. That is hilarious. To this day, I take him to task for it, but like. That's pretty great. Son of a bitch. Like, took the day of my life. Man. Also, he showed me the commercial and it looked, it was terrible. Is it online? No, I don't think so. Oh, okay. If I could get it. He did that thing where I jumped into the pool, he reverses it and puts it forward. Oh, yeah. That's classic. But it looked terrible. Oh.

Oh, man. I was at that pool three days ago. I'm not joking. I believe it. I know. That exact pool. It's on season. My friend owns... Wait, that pool? That exact pool. Oh, Schmitz Gay? Yeah, the Schmitz Gay pool, yeah. Why were you there? It's upstate. It's my friend, my good friend. It's an eight and a half acre property. Her grandmother owns it, and she made it into a production house, and she rented out to places like... Actually, SNL's filmed there probably 500 times. What city or what borough? It's...

Wow, that's amazing. Does it still say Schmitz Gay on the floor? No, but they have pictures of everybody who's been there and they have the autographed Schmitz Gay thing and everything. There's her with the camcorder. Yeah, right. Damn. Well, you were going to say something. Oh, no, this took my mind off of this classic. So her grandma owns it and so she just has parties there.

Oh, that's so cool. Yeah. Where the hell is eight acres in New York City? Eight and a half. It's a... Flushing? It's called the Douglas House. Oh, give that a go. The Douglas House. Wow. For movie and TV and stuff. That's awesome. We got Anthony Kiedis going to your show. You're in the Schmitz Gay Pool. This is some real celebrity... Kiedis, if you're listening, we will send you merch. Yes. I swim in the same water as those gays. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It was awesome. Oh, here's a, I got a pee for you. All right. Um, Oh, it went away. How about this?

The guy who goes, I hope I haven't done this before, but the guy who tries to give you something that you can't do and he gets mad at you. So I had a guy at a show. He goes, I brought you a big bottle of scotch. And I was like, ah, I can't bring that back. I can't bring it on the plane. He's like, well, fuck me then. But I didn't ask you to do it and I appreciate it. What kind of scotch are we talking? How nice. It was pretty nice. I can't remember. It was something I hadn't heard of. It was like, oh, maybe I haven't heard of it. Yeah.

The question is now, what's the level of nice that you would have checked the bag for? If it was a Walker Blue, would you have checked the bag? Probably. I didn't even think about checking a bag. Shit, that's a good point.

maybe that's what he was expecting me to do maybe also you could just be like mail it to me at the fucking cell well you could have shipped it home and got it half empty you could have done that what's scary about that is they open that shit randomly i know he must have smelled it and they oh it smelled okay yeah because when i got it it smelled it didn't smell when i first put it in right and i was like oh yeah that's a that's a red flag but i was like i just all day he's opening up boxes it's underwear he's like

I mean, you're a piece of shit or he's crafty, but one of those two, he really is. Damn. I had a guy this past weekend. I was walking off stage and a guy... Is that me? That ain't me. I'm sorry. I don't know how that's happening. This is a new watch, an Apple watch. You got this? Is that our cat?

Yeah. He hands me, he says, oh dude, he's right in front of the stage. He goes, hey dude, I got you something. He hands me three packages of pre-rolled marijuana. It's five in each, but it's homemade. It's like, it's not, it's not like homemade. Like, like it's like it's in packaging, but it's not the ones you see in the store with like a barcode, a manufacturer date and shout out to you. Thank you very much. I've had them. I brought them home, but I have yet to smoke them because I'm a little nervous to smoke stuff that someone handed to me that I don't know. Of course. But,

Let me out him right now. I'll give him a plug and simultaneously I will implicate him if anything goes wrong. All right. It says on it gas, G-A-A-S. And on the side it says grower and a shower. Oh. So that's the name of the product, which made me a little weary. And then there was three kinds. One was called Puntang. Okay. One was called like Picadilly.

Pix2Z and one was a hybrid called the Puntang Pix2Z and I opened it up and I they need a creative meeting I opened it up and I was like I was gonna smoke it I'm like this is I shouldn't smoke this until I find out who this person is you know who knows maybe he's like oh I also threw in a little extra in there like I laced it you know I don't know right right you know what I mean so I have it I should have brought it because that's the type of person who would lace you and then when you're like dude you fucking laced me he's like bro I hooked it up dude you're welcome

Who is Koon Tang? Koon Tang. G-A-A-S. Damn, okay. Oh, wait, what is that? Save that for the end. But that's a, because it's a long clip. And I showed my lady it, right? And I was like, should I smoke something? And she's looking at it and she turns it over and she goes, what does this say? A grower in the shower.

And I was like, I just left it at that. That's great. I didn't want to get into it. That's like a mom moment. I was like, yeah, I didn't say anything. And then like literally 10 minutes later, she's like, babe. I'm like, yeah. She goes, I Googled it. Do you know what that means? I was like, yeah. I didn't know you're such a weed guy.

You're a weed guy. Yeah, since late 2018. Yeah, well, it's better than the booze. It sounds like I'm more than I am. Okay. I smoke every day, but it sounds like I'm more than I am. You don't like weed? He bought the max amount at a distillery or whatever. That's because I'm busy. I was taking weed to sleep, and I noticed my recall was slower, and I stopped that day. Cold turkey. I had a full-on panic attack taking weed in Baltimore. I woke up, and I was like, I'm going to fucking die. My life is a lie. Does gummy have that effect?

I know. I fucking hate the gummies. Yeah, they're risky. Yeah, that's the problem in the beginning. But now it's regulated so much. If you understand your dosing amount, edibles can be really, really good. Sure. They relax you. They put you to sleep. They get you creative, like all that stuff. But if you take too much, it's literally, it's the worst time. It's the worst. I've had the same experience. And when you wake up with it, because you go to bed not high, you wake up high in a dark room. It's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. Sometimes I get so high.

That I'm like, how am I... I don't think I can be a stand-up comic. Oh, the fraud syndrome. Yeah. I literally am like, there's no way I can get on stage right now ever again. That's so crazy. My jokes aren't good. I'm not good. I don't know how I did it before I got by, but...

I'm going to have a panic attack. Like, I'm not going to be able to get on stage next time. And then, like, you know, that happened to me 10 times. You don't go on high, do you? No. Only two times in my life by accident. It was terrible. That's so crazy. I took edibles the other night and I woke up and I was like, why sell a comedian?

I feel about myself too when I take it where I'm like, what do you do? You're not fucking funny. I know. That's what you do. You just start looking like Larry David in the mirror. You know, when he's like, you're the best. That's literally what the great episode is. You're going to read that book. You're going to finish the book. So you're going to stop eating the sugar. You're going to cut that. By the way, my biggest fucking, that's my biggest fear is getting high with a parent. Woo!

Oh my God. That's when he was high with his dad, right? Yes. He had glaucoma. Oh my God. My mom high would be... My mom drunk. My mom weighs 80 pounds. So my mom has half a glass of Chardonnay in her shit face. I've been thinking about doing it with him. Yeah. No, I really have. Really? Why not? I never have and I'm afraid. That's why I haven't yet.

But I just feel like even like just a puff and just see what happens. You know, see like what comes out of that. Right. For better or worse, you know. The potheads who blow the smoke on their fucking dog. Yeah. I hate those motherfuckers. Let's see if he likes this shit. Yeah. Now you got a dog freaking the fuck out. Dog's a lightweight. It's a fucking dog. It's never smoked weed before. All right. One more peeve and I'll leave you alone. Please.

You ever have this guy? You go, uh... You go, you got a Band-Aid? I cut my finger. What am I, a doctor? I thought you might have a Band-Aid. I love the guy who jumps to the biggest extreme profession, you know, like, hey, you got a screwdriver? What am I, a fucking, uh... NASA mechanic? I'm like, NASA mechanic? Ew!

This will be a little screwdriver. I love the guy who jumps to the craziest occupation. That's a good one. It's also reasonable. Like, I'm bleeding. That's a fair. Yes. I'm with you. You got a beer? What is this? Coors Brewery? No. People keep beer in their house. I hate that guy. Yeah. Can I have a stick of gum? What am I, Walgreens? No. Some people have gum on them. Yes. That's the guy. Exactly. You got any toilet paper? What is this? Amazon?

You think I got just toiletries laying around? I don't know. People have toilet paper in their home, usually. But you make it feel so stupid. The more obscure, the better. You got a piece of tape? What am I, 3M? Yeah, I hate

that guy the guy who's always put out yeah everything you do they're just like oh it's the opposite the guy who's like who's like just take it to anything yes that guy too everyone a toast to that guy oh i love that guy he's like he's got like one like shot left in his bottle of pappy he's like you have it yeah you have it take the fucking bottle you like the painting right it's upside down look at that that speed there you go right in

Jack Klompas. I love the moment of like, he's thinking about it. Yeah.

This guy kills it. No, I'm not. Real story, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah. It was one of the execs. Wow. God, this actor is so good, too. So good. That's the thing about Seinfeld. Please do me a personal favor. It would mean a lot to me. This is a classic old guy move. This is such a good detail. There's too much shit in the front shirt pocket. Every old guy always does that. Thank you very much.

But also, God, some of Jerry's outfits are amazing. Oh, 90s. Holy shit. Red coat. But this is such a true thing. The guy who is like, no, just take it. And then it's slowly like, you just took my shit. It's such a real thing. You had that old bit about Sinatra's, the painting. Remember that? Sinatra used to say anything you would compliment, he would just give to you. Because he's like, if you can't give something away, you don't possess it.

it possesses you. Right. Very early Sam bit. But my angle was like, yeah, that's an easier credo to live by when you have hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what I mean? Like I'm not like someone's like nice blanket. I'm like, I didn't pay my heating bill. That was my angle, you know? Right. I was like, no, no, take the beating. Really take it. Take the beating. Do me a personal favor. Take this beating. No, just take it. Take the chlamydia. I want you to have it. Speaking of, I got to wreck if I may. All right.

In 1968, Joe Pesci came out with a musical album. Oh, no. You sent me this. Did I? Yeah. Okay, here it is. Sure can't sing. 68. 68? 68. Wow. Little Joe. He was, he's good. What is he, 5'2"? Wow. This is a famous song, isn't it? Yeah, the covers. Oh. Oops. Ooh.

It's not great. It sounds like sped up, like Hermit's Hermit's. But it's fun that it's Pesci. I can't wait to get a cease and desist from the toughest Italian lawyers. You think that was funny, playing his fucking music? He worked hard on those fucking songs. Didn't he have like a little rap album as well? Is that true? No, that was Rodney. That was Rodney. Play the Rodney rapping. It's fucking incredible. Rodney?

Have you heard of Rap and Rodney? I got doubles of it if anybody wants one. What? Are you kidding me? Here I am. I'm Sinatra and you're Rodney. I have two of them if you want. You can find them. I literally see... Anytime I go to a record store on the road, it's in there. But I do have an extra if you want it. Oh, this is gold. I think we've played this before. Wow. Oh, man. I haven't heard any rap yet.

There he goes. Hey. This is a good example of you've got to say no to some stuff.

You can't say yes to everything. Well, hold on a second. Joe Pesci does have a rap song. It's called Wise Guy. In this context, that was terrible. You lift those lyrics and give them to something like a rapper and he says that? That's kind of clever, actually. Oh, wait. What was the lyric? He said, my eggs, I have them. What does he say? Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have them both in the same way, both very rare. Oh, that's a good line. Boy, Lil Wayne, eat your heart out. Yeah. But

But that came from the top and then made its way down to him and it got approved and then that whole thing had to be... Oh, backup dancers. So many people thought that was a good idea. I know. A set. Everybody's like, rap, you say. All right. It's a new craze, I'll tell you. Right. Makes sense. Kids are doing it. I get the connection. I'll tell you, hey, run DMC. Yeah. Hey, how about a little respect? I prefer to walk. Oh. Oh.

You know he was probably like he saw a dude and he was probably like drugged out at a party. Yeah. And he met like LL Cool J and he was like, you're all right, kid, you're all right. Give me some tips on this rap thing. Both from Queens. Yeah. There you go. Rodney's Brooklyn, I think. Is he? Is he?

Dude, I love watching Rodney interviews on Stern because Stern is such a big fan and he tries to go so deep and Rodney's like, oh, my mother, she was very difficult. And he's like, what'd she do? She's like, I'll tell you. She gave me no respect. He's just doing bits. He couldn't help himself. I'll tell you, I was an ugly kid too. Did kids torment you? I'll tell you, I shared a locker with a mop. I was ugly. You know?

He's like, but give me more. And he's like, oh, my father, he was no bargain. Yeah. I saw him in an interview and it was Robert Downey Jr. and Howard Stern. And Stern, literally, he's got Robert Downey Jr. on and all I can ask him about is how great. Thank you. How great like Rodney is working on Back to School. And he's like, you know, yeah, you know.

I was very young and Rodney at one point was like, I don't feel like shooting today. And he's like, we should shoot Robert Downey's scenes tomorrow. And they were like, oh, it's not what we have scheduled. And he's like, well, shoot them tomorrow. He had a whore he wanted to see. Oh, hilarious. So he changed the production schedule because he wanted to fuck a prostitute. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

It'd be great if he had an autobiography come out like years later and it was like chapter two and he's like, I was so ugly that they put me in a closet with a mop. It's all real. He's like, no, I was getting deep with you. It's like the end of Big Fish. Yeah. It just comes out.

Apparently he got a lot of pedophiled a lot. I don't know if that's a verb. He was molested, yeah. Molested quite a bit. Instead of a guy would drive around the neighborhood, you'd get in the car, he would diddle you, and then you'd get out of the car. Well, he wasn't that ugly a kid then. Yeah. Good point. Good point. Yeah, one more. Oh, that was all the peeves I have. Do you have any peeves, Sal? I'm sure I have a ton. David Arquette. You have a lot of peeves. David Arquette's a peeve. Uh...

Well, the guy who does, hey, you got to have a shot with me. I'm like, but I don't want a shot. That's a child. Real men sip.

The shot is over. I'm sorry. I appreciate the gesture. Oh, sorry. You have someone say to you. Oh, you know, I was, I saw something that I almost got, I almost bought you this thing. I thought you were like. Oh, yes. I thought you were serious. You actually did that to me though. What you gave me the thing. You got me this awesome. I still wear it all the time. I have a, I have a Knicks winter beanie. I wear it all the time. I've seen the courtesy of Sal. Yeah. I do. If I see something, I think people will like, I get it. You know what I just said? Nice. But,

But you get that person? I get that a lot. Actually, my lady does it to me all the time. She's like, oh, my God, I saw this thing. You would have liked it. I almost got it for you. And then she just continues what she was doing. I was like, why didn't you get it? She does it to me all the time to the point now is that I hang it over her head all the time because I don't get it. Just get me the fucking thing. Don't come here and tease me. I'm going to do that with my wife. Like, oh, I almost proposed. I was thinking about proposing. I got you a wedding ring, but I didn't get it.

It doesn't work because I actually did propose. So the joke stuck. But we'll keep it moving. I like the joke.

The thing is, I live on Peeves, but I can't pull anything up right now. I'm a great guest today. No, you killed it. I have Peeves. I might have another. Hold on. Let me see what I got. Also, why don't you plug your Vic show one more time? December 2nd, the Vic? Yeah, it's on sale. It goes on sale the 15th, September 15th, December 2nd at the Vic in Chicago. We're doing two. And it's a small place. Hopefully, they sell out. Also, we're making tickets online.

A bunch of the tickets, very affordable. Okay. People that, you know, haven't seen me in the past because I've been through Chicago a bunch. Sure. And yeah, and if we go, we might add more if we do it. Also, I'm on tour completely. There's like 30 cities up there. Wow. So everything is at SavileCountyComedy.com.

Yeah. So I hope to see you guys there. Cincinnati, Tulsa, Wilkes Bar. We've got a great pizza place for you in Tulsa. Savannah, Georgia, Atlanta. Yeah, Macon, which I'm told it's not Macon, it's Macon. Okay, Macon, Macon. Athens, Georgia. And then I can't read that. Savannah. I can't either. Peoria, Illinois. Roxford.

Yeah, I'm everywhere, man. Salvocano.com? Salvocanocomedy.com. Cool. Again, but the Vic is the big one, guys, and it's on sale September 15th. If you want the pre-sale, it's September 13th to 14th. The code is NOPRESSION.

No pressure. Highly recommend this. P-R-E-S-H. It's his first hour long special. Yes. He's got some, if you haven't seen his stuff, he's got a hilarious This Is Not Happening story on YouTube. Oh, yeah. You should watch. We love him. Go to the show. I appreciate that. Yeah. And I'm doing the cruise again. You guys both are on the cruise. Oh, wild time. That's in January. January 22nd to the 26th to Miami to the Bahamas. We're co-hosting with Eric Andre. Oh.

Oh, that's going to be awesome. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but... Is this guest confirmed you told me about? Yeah. Oh. You can say it. Wait, which one are you talking about? A musician we like? No, that was astronomical. How much he wanted? Came back astronomical. Can we say who it was? No.

Well, you can either say who it was or I can tell you what the price was. And you can't say who it was. I'd rather say who it was. I'd rather who. I'd rather the number. Yeah, go ahead. Weird Al Yankovic? Yeah, we tried to get him. What? Is he that pricey? Yeah, man. He's big. He's huge, you know? Wow. We were just hoping like, you know, he'd meet like, you know, but I was hoping we'd get him at, we offered him a good amount, but he just commands more.

Wow. But we are announcing all of the other guests like this coming week. $3 million for five days. And there's a lot of big ones. I just don't know when this comes out. Did he decline it with like a song? He's like, because I'm pricey. It was a full production. He pressed the vinyl for us. Who'd you get?

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say, so let me not say it. Okay. Tell us afterwards. I want to know. Yeah. There's a couple of big ones. One has a good synergy with us and Eric Andre. His name rhymes with...

Steve-O. Oh, you got to be careful with him. Put a fucking extension cord on that guy. He'll jump off the boat. I don't know if that's announced as of this yet, and I don't think I'm supposed to announce it, but hey, we ran through the garden. I heard the whole thing is sponsored by Coca-Cola. You got some money to throw around.

All right. Well, thanks, Sal. I know you got a hard out here. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, guys. Thank you. I appreciate you guys. Thank you so much for coming on again. That was great. Yeah, absolutely. Happy birthday again. Happy birthday. I was going to do a big thing at the end. And we're days before this guy, so. Yes. That was, I mean, that was, I had a little surprise. Yours was just down here?

You said the day before? September. Oh, gotcha. But we know we had a surprise thing that Gary Veeder put on for me. Very small dinner. But I know this guy was out of town and Sal popped in for a second. I begged him to move it, but he wouldn't move it. Yeah, he's a stubborn little fuck. Yeah. Picked up the tab, too. It was a big tab. Whoa. Did he really? Gary Veeder's a fucking, he put a little thing. But he commands you get him good meals on the road. It's fair. Payback. It was a good meal. I walked in.

and I thought I was just going to dinner with the lady friend, and we walked into some restaurant. It's Stav, Ari, Gary Veeder, Rachel Feinstein, James Webb. I actually dropped Stav off. Yeah, yeah. I had no idea, and I wasn't even supposed to go. So I just walked in like, what the fuck? I've never had a surprise thing for you before. Did they come over to you by any chance, the waiter? Yeah, you send us a night. They never told me anything. No, that was awesome. I was like, I wonder if they didn't do it.

Yeah, even Stav, who doesn't usually drink, was like, I'll drink with you. Whoa, what was it? Stav got Negronied out. What was what? Did you send something over? No, I just sat around the drinks, but I asked them to do it, and then they said okay, and then they never came back. No, they did. Thank you very much for that, man. Oh, that's great. What restaurant was it? It was called Vic's. It was on Great Jones, I think. Speaking of Vic's. Yeah, you'll be there in Chicago, folks. Go see him.

All right. Well, I'm sad to miss it, and I hope there's some photos. I'm going to give you guys some photos, and it's going to be great. Let's do this right now. Why not? To Sal's special taping. Yeah, here, here.

Yours was great, by the way. I watched it last week. Loved it. Thank you, sir. It's hilarious. Appreciate it. Thank you, boys. You know, it's doing really well online. It's doing better online than on the Netflix. Meaning online. People made clips and all these clips are hitting. The clips are doing well online. That's how it goes these days. Apparently, yeah. And I think our group, our generation of fans is a little younger, so they go online before watching a full hour.

I don't know. But yeah, it's doing well and we're all doing great. We're in a great spot. Life is good, man.

Soak it in. Let's soak it in. We love you. Soak. Thank you. Thank you very much. Love you guys. Thank you, boys. Thank you. Hey, we were going to watch this anyway. We didn't want to cheat you this clip. So this is a long clip, by the way. I think I got right to it here. Okay. No, but it goes on for a while. Oh, okay. But let's see it. I've never seen this. So he's on Carson. Is it Carson or Lennon? No, it's Lennon, I believe. With Lennon. And it's Burt Reynolds' paneling. Burt Reynolds was the first guest. Mark Summers was the second guest. Speaking of alpha-ing.

This is like two outfits. Two dudes. I think Burt Reynolds comes off like a bit of a dick here. Okay. And Mark Summers is just trying to roll with it. And I think he, it's incredibly uncomfortable television. Oh, I can't wait. And made kids dive into it, which was really great. Gee, I wish I'd seen that. You would have.

Pretty good. You make the kid. I mean, you force the child. You hold the child's head under the baby's feet and then throw them out. I love Double Dare. So this whole TV thing is beneath Bert, right? Of course. Well, then don't go on. No, not the show. What Mark Summers does for a living. Oh, of course. Yeah, well, here's the thing. It's like, I mean, that's a funny line, but look, Bert.

You took some paydays yourself, my friend. You've been in some great movies. I mean, I liked that movie as a kid. I watched that one as a kid for sure. But I just think it's like, you know...

This is... You could zing him a little, but it does get a little dickish. Let's keep going. Who told you we're in Neatness Fridge? I just said that because your back is to me, and I was just talking to a back. No, no, I can talk to you too, Bert. Thank you. Watch out, he's got scissors. He's got scissors. No, I was just wondering who told you that, because... My wife tells me that often. She says, good morning, you're in Neatness... I'm still married, as a matter of fact. Yes, well, you... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whoa. Jeez. I think that mug may have hit him. Did you see that? Yeah, might have got him in the face. Oh, no. I'm all summers now. Same here. And Bert, it's like, dude, you're trying to big dog a dude in a pink cashmere sweater. True, true. It's a little weird. And you go to violence out of the gate? I mean, that's no good. It's like...

Oh, a wittier guy versus a less witty guy who's a bigger star. Yes. And is trying to alpha him. Yes, this is Dennis Leary, Geraldo all over again. Totally. And Geraldo fucking dogged him too. Exactly. Let's not forget Burt played college ball. Let's also not forget that he's...

one of the most massive movie stars of all time. Huge. And now it's probably like, I think there was probably a period where he was like, I'm too good for press. Yeah. And now he's doing press. Yeah. Think about like the deliverance fucking smoking the bandit type. He's a legend. Yeah. Look, I love the Reynolds movies. I'm not going to, I'm not going to act like I don't, but yeah, but you could be, you could be a nice guest or don't come on. Yeah. Summer's response. This is good TV. Oh yeah. I mean,

known as losing control of the program. Good old Leno. He's not a neatness freak anymore. Oh, he's a neat freak. I didn't know that. So, Mark, welcome to late night television. We're on this nice little quiet, you know, Nickelodeon lifetime. We do a little show. We do some sewing. We, you know, we do some little, you know, things like that. Reynolds just threw water on me. Did you notice that, folks? And you'll treasure it, baby. Don't touch me. Yes!

Yeah, that a baby. Good for him. I used to be on your show all the time, Win, Lose, or Draw. I used to love that show. It's funny, I don't remember. All right, not bad. Okay, yeah, so anyway, we were talking about... What's the deal? Why are you shitting on this guy? I think this is his brand, like...

The Carson days marisa come from Arjun. Yeah. Yeah, I used to fuck with people. He's a fuck. Okay I don't think he's that witty is the problem. I think it's a dude who's like thinks he's he's surrounded by yes, man He's yellow famous. Yeah, and I don't think he's quite as witty as he's it doesn't come off. Well, no No

What's this? Oh, a towel. Thank you. About a week and a half later it came. There we go. Oh, yeah. Good for you. Good for you. I didn't see that coming. This is fucking TV. Wow. I've never seen this. How do you like it? He's a bully. This is the bully versus underdog story. Thank you, Fabio. What did he say? You know,

I don't mind that because I deserved it. You deserved it? I deserved it. I did it to you. I deserved it. You know, that's the kind of guy I am. And I was saying to your wife the other night. Classic. Classic. It's a classic. It's whatever. You want to finish it? Yeah, finish it. Keep going. I'm invested. It gets crazy. Really?

Oh, this ain't it. This ain't it. - He's been on a very rough book tour. - I know! I saw you with Katie Couric, you were a nice guy. I saw you on one of those PBS shows, you were very seduc-- - It's easy to be nice to nice people. - It is, yes it is. - See, now he's being kind of a cunty. - It's nice to see you two hit it off so well.

He's doing his Milton Berle impression. Take a look at that. Too obscure for the room. Anyway. It's too good for the room. I bet that plays good on Nickelodeon. There we go. He's back in the game. Count it. At least I have a full-time job, though. That's the thing. I got a full-time job. Anyway. What is this? Wait a minute. What?

Can you imagine having a small game show and going on Leno and a fucking A-list movie star pick? It's literally like one of us was like the second guest. With Tom Cruise. Yeah, and he was just like, just started poking us. Yes. He just started fucking with us. And I'm like, dude, Tom, I fucking like you, though. I know, I know.

Oh, this is top class shit. He's not a comic. What did Mark Summers do? I don't know. He might have been a comic. He might have been. He feels like one. But he was a game show guy. Was it Double Dare? Yep. I mean, look, I watched all that shit. So did I. I love Double Dare. He talks for a living, so. Oh, wait, we missed something. Oh, Leno showed up with a pie. A pie for both of them. Oh, this is so classic. It's like the end of Hamilton, but with a pie.

Oh, all right, all right. We're being playful. I think Burt Reynolds is bored. Yeah, he must be bored. Wow. Oh, he slipped it a little bit. Yeah, yeah. And he's a player. Burt's outfit looks more expensive. Oh, yeah, definitely. Oh, there we go. Okay. Okay.

You know what? You know Leno's like, well, I lost control of my show, but holy shit, I'm beating Letterman tonight. Yeah, oh, he's got it behind the back here. Hold on. Oh, I should have hit him with it. They're trying to get Jay. There we go. Oh, Jay with the sneak.

This is crazy. This is TV. This is TV. You don't see this shit anymore. You definitely don't. That's why it's dying. You know why? Because everyone worries about their brand now. Yes. I'll be honest, I kind of miss the fading A-list movie star who ain't pleased with it publicly.

Totally. A publicist now would jump in and be like, that's a bad look. Back then, he was like, shut the fuck up. I'm Burt Reynolds. Yes, we need that. There's something weirdly, although it's not cool behavior, there's something kind of refreshingly honest about it. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. It feels genuine.

Good for him. And this would be water cooler talk at the office. Did you see Leno last night? Exactly. That's why the ratings were weird. They were number one. Yeah. Also, this is new Leno. Like he was just new to the, I think tonight show ended in 92, 93. So he was still the young guy. Can you imagine seeing that? And then like the next time Reynolds is on, you're the second guest.

You're like, I better fucking bring it. Yeah. Don't give him an opening. Yeah. But all that shit, they had Madonna doing whatever with the shirtless or dancing with Dave and then Drew Barrymore did the flash. Like, that was fun stuff on Late Night. The worst spot ever on Late Night, second panel when Robin Williams was the first guest. Oh, forget about it. He's just jumping in. He's stealing all your fucking thunder. Yeah. You know what brought Leno? Because Letterman was number one. You know what put Leno up top? Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant.

Pull it up. Banged a Prozzie. Got caught with a hooker, and he did Leno the next day. It was a huge headline news, and Leno asked him about it. Cheated on Elizabeth Hurley. Wow. Show me the best looking woman on the planet. I'll show you a guy who gets tired of fucking her. You got that right. It's on the bathroom wall. Look, it's all over his face, too. Yeah, but I don't trust actors.

Who can put on a better performance than that? Oh, good. I guess I must have made a mistake. Yeah, that was his thing. He was a little anxious, a little fidgety. My ex loved him. She thought he was so hot. See, it's like when you get cancelled. The crowd goes wild. He knows he's sitting on goal. That smile. Yeah.

There you go. See, you didn't have to pay for it. Let me start with question number one. What the hell were you thinking? Leno, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, that's a great opener. Great opener. But also, it's like, you know what bugs me about it a little bit? Is there is a bit of a, it's a little bit of like a teacher scolding a child. Oh, 100%. It's like, it's like, fuck, it's, Leno sounds like Twitter.

Right, right. But I think it was in jest. It was in jest, but it's still like, look, the fact that that's the crazy thing is like, that's your producer, that's your booker, like, who's getting Hugh Grant? Oh, yeah. Huge, huge. And you know the publicist is like, you got to go on, you got to clear your name, you're going to hurt your career. So he had to go on. He didn't want to go do this.

But he did it. No, it's like, he's like, I'm not a fucking politician. Exactly. I didn't promise. But the problem is when you play the sweet guy in the movies, like guess who's not having to do this fucking apology tour? Burt Reynolds. Yeah. Burt Reynolds would be like, yeah, fuck the whore. Yeah. He doesn't have to be like, oh, I made a mistake. But it didn't hurt his career. I mean, he went on to do Notting Hill and all that shit. God, Notting Hill sucks. Love Actually.

Oh, yeah. That movie fucking stinks. Women love that movie. It's just such chick flick horseshit. And here's my thing. It's like the way you can make a kid's movie that adults like, you can make a rom-com that dudes like. Oh, for sure. And that's a straight up chick flick. Yeah. It's like The Notebook. No guy has seen The Notebook. No, willingly. Yeah, yeah. But Love Actually was pretty good.

Love Actually I didn't love either. Uh-oh. Actually. There it was. But no, Notting Hill, I was just like, what a boring ass fucking movie. So boring. It's just not funny. Like, don't present a movie as a rom-com if it's just a rom. What's a good rom-com? High Fidelity? Something about Mary? High Fidelity? I mean, something about Mary you could say is just a fucking comedy. That's straight comedy. Yeah. With rom in it. But no, High Fidelity, Annie Hall. Annie Hall. But guess what? Annie Hall, they don't end up together. Uh-huh.

That's probably why some cynical fucks like us like it. Broke the rules, yeah. I don't know. What are good rom-coms? I mean, look, when Harry Met Sally is a rom-com, for sure. Great, great movie. That's a great movie. Great one. Nor Ephron. Even Sleepless in Seattle is pretty good. Yeah, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan always kind of brought it. Oh, yeah. Tom Hanks is just so fucking likable.

I know, but then you got 10 Things I Hate About This Movie. 10 Things I Hate About You is a good movie. No. Yeah, it fucking is. Really? It's very good. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I saw it 20 years ago. I remember being bored out of my mind. That's like a fresh play on Shakespeare. Oh, it's a Shakespeare? Yeah, that's a fucking great movie. Okay. Heath Ledger crushes that movie.

Whoa, I'm thinking of something different. What are you thinking about? I'm thinking about how to lose a guy in 10 days. Yeah, that sucks. That's what I was like, wait, you're defending this with Kate Hudson? No, that's a piece of poop. You're right. I had the 10. The 10 mixed me up. They're calling licorice pizza a rom-com. I'd agree. I didn't love it. Female perspective, I think, right? Didn't love it, yeah. Love that director, though. I didn't see the movie. Sure, PTA. Meeting. Yeah, rom-coms. Oh, they put something about Mary under there. Okay.

What else? Amelie's great. Out of Sight's a rom-com? I'll take it. That's a great movie, Out of Sight. Something's got to get... No. What's the... Romance in the middle of it. Sideways? I could see that being a rom-com. Yeah. Sideways is incredible. What about the one with Jack Nicholson that you mentioned earlier? Oh, As Good As It Gets? Yeah. That's a rom-com. That's a rom-com. James L. Brooks, a little schmaltz, but I fucking... I like it. I like it. It's very New York. I love As Good As It Gets. That's like, for me, a holiday. Tracee and Amy's a good movie. Yeah. I never saw that. That was on TV the other day, and it's one of those movies where, like,

Jason Lee just goes on those fucking misogynistic rants, but they're fucking hilarious. Yeah, I gotta check it out. That's like Kevin Smith. That's like when he was like, that was like a heat check movie. When he's like, all right, I had Clerks and Mallrats. I got some commercial success. I'm going mature. Yeah. And he still kept the fucking, the juvenile element that made him good. Yeah, I like, we should get, we get Kevin Smith on here. Ooh.

I would love to get him. I don't know if we'll get a word in, but we can get him on here. Well, you got to brush up on Star Wars or whatever the fuck, because he's like a big comic guy. He's fucking great, though. I love Kevin Smith. Rose is a rom-com. Who saw that coming? Oh, it is a rom-com. Yeah.

I saw it coming. Oh, bros. Yeah, that slipped in the back door. Clueless, another great one. That was a good one. Okay, we got some stuff. Moonstruck is good. But yeah, all right. Moonstruck is fucking great. Great movie. Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is like, you don't know what you're going to get, but when you fucking... He had a weird career trajectory. He got a ton of gambling debts, then he had to do Ghost Rider 8.

and Gone in 60 Seconds. I don't know what he's doing now. He just did that one about him. That was fun. Was it good? Yeah. Okay, I never saw it. It's silly as fuck. It's insane. It's a fun meta twist. I liked it. Me too. Michael Pena, who's the other guy? No, it was the guy from The Last of Us. He's great. Yeah, he is good. Pedro Pascal. There it is. Michael Pena's fucking good too, though. PP. You know he is. He's fucking in everything. Oh, yeah. You know him.

Good character actor. Yeah, great actor. Oh, of course. He's in everything. Everything. Dude, yeah. No, Nicolas Cage was in Pig. That was a great movie. Oh, I loved Pig. What a weird movie. Fucking beautiful movie. There's something else we were going to talk about. Movies are in a weird place. You know, it just doesn't, I don't know. Like, you get Top Gun or Barbie or Oppenheimer and it helps. But I just don't feel like you can have an indie anymore. Can you have a Pulp Fiction? A Big Fat Greek Wedding?

You know, you, you, you have to go even, probably even deeper in like the way that you guys, you gotta go so deep in your own fucking pocket. Yeah, swingers. A reservoir dog's a swingers, he's right. I mean, it's like. It's a risk. It's such a, I mean, I, I, yeah, because I just don't think you make your money back now. I think if you're an investor, like why would I fucking help a young filmmaker when I could. I've got a Marvel opportunity for you. Do I get to play Loki? Because I've always wanted to do that. Loki, it's good.

I feel bad. I've had kids bring me scripts at a show and I'm like, I'll never read this. This is 200 pages. I'm not going to read it. Also, you should not accept them. Really? Never accept them. They go through your agent because he'll say, if you come out with anything in the future that's kind of like that. Oh, shit. I handed him a script. He accepted it. Oh, shit. He copied my idea. Interesting. It has to go through your agent is what they say. Okay. Good to know. That's how Mark came out with Oppenheimer 2. The big oppenheimer.

is bombing yes that'll be the name my next special well fuck it maybe we should wrap this bad boy up let's wrap her up where you gonna be what went to 12th oh no so i'll be in uh york and bethlehem pennsylvania this weekend followed by toronto uh september 21st i believe it's the meridian theater is that what it is yeah that's a big one i hear it's big it's a beautiful theater i'll be at the chicago theater the september 30th i can't wait uh

Back in the club. Stand up live. Yeah. Well, I'm doing a lot of clubs coming up to really tighten up for the next special. Nice. Stand up live in Phoenix, October 5th through 7th. Pittsburgh, October 25th. That's Nick's home opener. So you better fucking show up for that shit. Because I could have gone to Nick Celtic's, motherfuckers. Cleveland at the Miami, Ohio Theater. That's what it's called. Weird name. Mimi. Mimi, Ohio. I can't see. I'm blind. Then we'll be at that same weekend, Columbus, Ohio.

Cincinnati, Indianapolis, the big one, November 4th, New York City. Hey! With Peter at MSG for the festival, November 4th, samorell.com slash shows. We also got Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, Australia, and we just added Vegas at the win. It's my second time in Vegas this year because, you know, I can't get enough of that Vegas. Woo! That's December 2nd. And then the following week, we got Tampa and motherfucking Naples slash Fort Myers area. It's back, brother! Yeah, end on a bang!

All right, all right. I'll be in Europe this whole time, so come out and see me in Amsterdam, Antwerp, Berlin, Dublin, London, Glasgow. Manchester, Birmingham. Yes. And then back at Hershey, Pennsylvania. And tickets are hurting, so come to Hershey, get a Hershey ticket, and get an Oklahoma City ticket. Ticketmaster's fucking raping us. Raping these fees, these add-ons. It's too much. It's so weird where you're like,

I was looking at my MSG thing just to see how tickets were doing and the lowest priced ticket with their dumb fees, $82. Oh!

Because of their fees, dude. These are not expensive tickets. They're like more than my fucking ticket. It's fucking. Well, that's not Taylor Swift prices, but it's crazy, man. So I finally have something to plug. Oh, the racket. Look at that. Yes. That's fun. Shot a full spread. This is pretty cool. Let me see. For the DUI's open. Oh, this is hilarious. I mean, look at the list. Who's the girl here? Janelle. Oh, she's a comic.

They want a little diversity for Elaine. You know how it goes. This is fucking great. Look at this. Oh, yeah. We reshot every Seinfeld tennis scene.

and I cast it with all comics. This is hilarious. Judy Gold on the back. This is great. Very good. Sally killed it. They're giving them out at the open if you're there or if you were there. Oh, my God. I want to get one to frame it. Oh, May is in this, too. Yeah. She looks fucking great. Look at that. I know. It's the best she's ever looked. And Stavros killed it as George. Look at that with the ice cream sundae. Come on. This is so good. Thank you. So good. Sally killed it. We went out to, what was it, Forest Hills? Yeah, somewhere up there.

Somewhere in Flushing. Who the hell knows? Super fun. Hilarious. He got our Ubers. It was very nice. So we appreciate that. Thank you, Sally. Look up racket. Bodega Cat Whiskey. Yes. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. We're now legal in Georgia and we're closer and so close to New York. I'm getting hit up by so many people. Let's make New York fucking happen. Once it happens, this shit will explode. Yes. New York City, Bodega Cat.

Let's fucking do this. Let's do it. It's online, so go get it online. People keep saying, how do I get it? Go to bourbonoutfitters.com, I want to say. So get a bottle. Or bodegacatwhiskey.com. Oh, even better. Yeah, better. All right. Thank you, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Comedy. Good ass. I'm out to lunch here in New York.