Ep 139: Nick Griffin
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Hey, hey! Hey-ho! Here we are. Look at this. We're joined by one of our favorite guests. Thank you so much. We're joined by one of our favorite comedians working. Great comic. Oh, yeah. One of the best in the biz. Mark and I used to use you as the example of, like, the best comic on late night. You would do the best late night sets. Yeah, I got to do late night for a lot of sets there. But I was, like, different from you guys because I...

I was obviously older than you, and so my whole exposure to comedy was just watching Letterman. Sure. So I thought that was what you were supposed to do, right? Five minutes and put it on TV somehow. Yeah.

I think that's kind of going away a little bit. Oh, it's 100% gone away. But I think at the time, it still moved the needle. Yeah, yeah. I remember Mark messaged you. Didn't you message Nick when you were like, I'm doing Conan. Like, what do I do? Do you have any advice? Didn't you do that? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you got it. But I was a huge fan. Because you did, what did you do? Four Letterman's?

Four? He did way more than four. Eleven? What the hell? Wait, eleven? What the hell? And then a couple of Conans. Yeah. And then a Ferguson or two, if I'm not mistaken. Old Fergie. Yeah. Old Fergie, the alcoholic heroin addict. Great host. Yeah, he wasn't there. I think he was there for one set, but... Ferguson wasn't there? No.

Well, yeah, he taped it beforehand. That's so weird to do a show and the host isn't there. I know. Do they do that to musicians or is it just us? Well, yeah, I think sometimes they just can't make it. Who is the guest host?

Well, no, it was... No, that's what I mean. Ferguson was there, but he... Like, they tape it way before. Oh, I see. And then they plug it in when they don't have a guest at the end of the thing. Right, right. It takes away the thrill of the experience. I mean, I have, like, good experiences on late night where, like, Bill Hader would knock on my dressing room door and you have a moment. It takes away from the... Totally. Any big guests you were on with? Yeah, I was on with... My first one was with that...

Guy from the Columbus Zoo, Jack Hanna. Oh, wow. He's a legend. Yeah. But I think that was the one I got bumped because his dogs went long. Seriously, the dog. Yeah. That's rough. Yeah, that was tough. Sorry, Nick. Noodle stretch tonight. Yeah.

rough, rough, bumped you. Yeah, yeah. But my mom was there and she said, even after the show ended, she's like, you didn't come on. And my sister said, yeah, mom thought you were going to come on after the show. They would just let you do that.

Yeah, that's how TV works. 11 Letterman's, though, that's 55 minutes of comedy. Yeah, that's a lot. That's insane. You did a special worth of Letterman sets. That's incredible. Plus Conan's, plus Ferguson's. Yeah. That's a lot of jokes. And that's a lot of TV clean comedy. Yes. And in your act has edge. I mean, it's very rare that a comic with a real strong point of view and edge can do that many late nights.

Yeah, again, like all my favorites were like Jeff Stilson and Jeff Cesario and obviously Hicks and Stephen Wright. And all those guys had bite to them, obviously. Yeah. But I remember watching them going, that's exactly what I want to do. And coming home, you know, drunk and half high from high school and turning on Letterman was like, that's just like gold, baby. Yeah, of course. You don't want to cut anyone off here. Let me get the old...

There we go. Look at you guys. That's Sam's cooking up on a Negroni. Yeah, we do. What do you think? Let me know what you think. Looks good. Got the heroin spoon stirring. Nice. Can I take this off? This is the Negroni, right? Smells like freedom. Oof.

Not bad, right? Oh, delightful. That's an easy one to make. It's just three parts, right? Perfect, though. Campari, sweet vermouth, and some good monkey 47 right there. Hey, nothing wrong with that. This is what success looks like to me. Oh, yeah. It's also what being a failure looks like, too. Yeah, it's the same. Drinking in the afternoon. It's the exact same. So how long have you been sober? Me? I've been sober 25 years. Wow. That's a run. Yeah.

Yeah, I... Were you doing stand-up when you were... Yeah, I did stand-up for 10 years until I was about 30. And then we shut it down. What was... The team got together. What did the going out of business sale look like? It was just bad. It was actually in Cleveland and... Was it Hilarities? No, it was the improv down at the flats. Sure. And...

Yeah, it didn't look good. I mean, it's just all the things you would imagine. And I just said this, you know, I was never actually very good at drinking. I just always got hammered and threw up and passed out and started trouble and just everything. It just wasn't working. Yeah.

Yeah. And I didn't think I could continue to do it in a productive manner. Were there incidents at the clubs that were the impetus for it? Oh, yeah. I got banned from the Comedy and Magic Club for drinking. Wow. And that's the club where they tell you not to curse, too. Yeah. Yeah. No, they were so good to me. And I did so many sets there. Oh.

I got drunk with Slayton there one night and I couldn't drive and they asked for my keys and I said, okay, here's my keys. And then I went, ran out to my car and I had to hide a key. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And they had to pull me out of the car. That's not so bad. No. Except for the kid you ran over after that. But other than that, I thought you were going to hit somebody. You know, you were beating people up or stealing money. Well, yeah, sure. But no, there was no deaths or prison or anything like that. That was the height of it. But, yeah, I stopped in Cleveland and –

Look, it's uncomfortable. It's not fun to not drink. Sure. It's easier to drink and relax a little bit, but that's not how it works. Tough place to quit, though. You don't want to be sober in Cleveland. That's a wake-up call. Right, sure. Yeah, absolutely. And you don't want to be sober in comedy. No, no, no, you don't. A lot of discomfort, a lot of assholes. A lot of awkwardness. A lot of bombing. I don't know. Do you hate...

drunk hecklers as much as I do. Yeah, the worst. It's just when they aren't coming at you with anything real and you're just like, wow, this is this guy's big moment and I'm...

In the middle of it. Yeah, it's the worst. And you go, shut the fuck up. And then they pull the guy out and he goes, I was laughing. I'm like, you called me a homo. How's that a laugh? I was trying to help is the best one. Oh, that's a classic. You said you hope I get AIDS and die? That was you helping? Exactly. No, it is...

I resent the bad drinkers because I think they make us all look bad. Yeah. I don't like... Like, whenever there's someone who does, like, a drunk driving thing, I'm like, you're supposed to behave on this shit so we can keep doing it. Yeah. You know? Good point. Keep it in check. At least you're in New York, you know. I was in L.A. drinking, and you have to drive everywhere. That's not... This is pre-Uber. Oh, yeah. Definitely pre-Uber. Definitely pre-Uber. I remember one time I lost my keys...

And it was like four in the morning. Actually, it was here in New York when I lived here in like 91, 92. And I knew that my window was open in my apartment. So I climbed, jumped on the fire escape and climbed up the fire escape and

Went into the apartment and got into the bedroom and realized I'm in the wrong fucking apartment. Oh, man. That was scary because there was people in there. What did they say? They were asleep. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. B&E. Yeah, oh, my God. A host of...

Yeah, crimes there. That could have been a lot worse. Yeah, for a million. So no one woke up? No one woke up. Wow. The worst thing is you're like, this is so easy to do, is what you realize. Yeah. Damn. Was she hot at least? What is this, Manhunter? Well, that sounds like a porno start. Or a start to a porno. Who am I, Yoda?

That is crazy. Wow, that's wild. But, you know, it didn't devolve into, like I said, to where it's insanity where you're wrecking cars. I mean, I wreck cars, but like, you know, DUIs and...

Jail time. Did you ever get arrested for it? No. Oh, you're fine. Yeah, I should get back out there. Yeah. I'm on the team. Got a full bar here. Look at that. I have those drunk nights where I'm like, I can't believe I'm alive. You know, like high school nights and college nights. Holy shoot. I woke up once on the railing of the interstate in my car. Like the two wheels were up on the rail. And I had to pull off.

You have to throw away the suicide note. And you never went, this is not being good. No, no. I said, oh, I'm glad I survived that, and I went to a bar. Yeah. Yeah. It was bad.

How about you, Sam? I just like it too much to quit. It's so much fun. It's so great, and it tastes good. When I was younger, of course I had those blackout nights where I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. Yeah, I could have gotten killed, but I've hitchhiked drunk. I've done stupid shit. That was not safe. But you're too young to know any better. Did you hitchhike in Manhattan? It was in New Orleans. Oh, wow. I did this shit, and some guy just picked me up. I was wasted. Whoa.

Yeah, and he fucking handed me a joint, and we smoked it, and I didn't end up getting sodomized, so it's a win, I guess. Yeah, not bad. But, I mean, yeah, dude. No, you do dumb shit all the time, but then you get older, and you're like, yeah, I don't want to have to quit because it's nice, and it's a nice way to end the night. Well, yeah, you got to weigh the positives and negatives. Yeah. The hangovers are a problem, but, you know, you deal with it. First dates have to be hard sober, I would think. They're the worst. They're either awful.

Yeah, really awkward or someone leaves. Yeah. Yeah, well, there's always that. I always put in my... I used to put in my profile that I was sober. I'd always put, I don't drink. So if that's a problem... Do you think that scares people away? Oh, my God, yes. Really? Yeah, I think so. I don't think women want to sit there with...

John Quiet. The worst superhero ever. John Quiet. He's in the library again. They order four Manhattans and you're just like, keep going. Right, right, right. Wow. But some women are sober too and you guys probably have a bond. Yeah, I don't think I've ever met them. Really? I'm trying to think. Maybe I have, but nothing jumps out. Oh, yes. Yeah.

The woman I dated for seven years was sober or not even sober. She just didn't drink. She didn't have a problem, but she just was kind of a health nut. Uh-huh. And so that went well. That was good for seven. That's good. You want the other person to be the healthy one. You want to be the fuck up in the relationship. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Because it's cooler. Right. It is. You got edge. I think of your jokes all the time. Like, I was reading the Einstein book, and you have a great Einstein joke. Oh, yeah? About something that's like, oh, yeah, I'll read this book. Maybe I'll come up with a joke. And I was like, oh, yeah, Nick Griffin already has the best Einstein joke about being divorced. Yeah, Einstein got divorced. Right.

And you're like, it shouldn't be, do you take this woman to be your wife? It should be, do you think you're smarter than Einstein? Yeah. That's brilliant. Yeah, that was a big one. That was like, I hadn't done tea. Matter of fact, I was also down in New Orleans and I hadn't gotten on Letterman yet. And I'd just written those like five to seven jokes about divorce. Were you freshly divorced? Einstein was one of them. What's that? Was the divorce very recent? Yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't like...

It was probably a year. And I remember I was down there with Havy. There was an improv at some casino down there. Harrah's. Harrah's. And it wasn't very good. It was like in a ballroom or something. Yeah, shit. It's gone now. Comedy town. Anyway, I... It's not for me. Not a good comedy town. Anyway, I got a call that night. I got back from the show. And I got a call that night from...

Letterman show We want you to do the show We love the Einstein bit Whoa What a feeling Yeah Yeah That Einstein bit I really Every now and then You write something You go This is gonna kill Yes It's not like Every 10th joke But maybe every 20th joke You just go Wow this is gonna Definitely destroy It's a gift from the gods Yes Thank you Yeah You just It's a gift from showing up In front of the fucking notebook Yes You just go Alright here we'll treat you Exactly

But boy, when they come, you got to be grateful. Oh my God, yeah, because it's going to be six months, a year before it happens again. Wow, I can't imagine being in New Orleans with Havy. That must have been a fucking hoot. We had a blast. Yeah, yeah, we were down there. And again, that wasn't a great room. I can't even remember. How old were you back then? What year are we talking here? Probably 2000, something like that. Maybe 98. Yeah, I was in high school.

No offense. You've been at it a while, and I remember playing a club called Looney's in Colorado Springs many years ago, and I text Nick a picture of his headshot on the wall. He must have been 25 in the headshot, and he just wrote back, please don't send me that.

Don't send me stuff like that. Attell used to do that at every club. He'd find my first headshot and send me a picture of it. Pull that up. I bet you were a handsome devil. I feel like you and Attell are the late night black coffee cellar drinkers. Oh, yeah. Maybe a diner at 3 a.m. Yeah, Dave loves to go to a diner. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let's see. What do we got?

That one in the red shirt's pretty embarrassing. Did you get the... Oh, yeah. What a hunk. Look at that hair. You look good. Beauty. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Now, did you get the sitcom all that hype back then? Because that felt like it seemed to be the blueprint. Yeah, I did the Letterman there and had a really good set with that divorce stuff. And some writer called Letterman's company and they put us together and we got a deal with

to write a sitcom. And then we went out and pitched it with, uh, producers from the letter from the Letterman company. And we sold it to ABC, but then, um, we just sold the script. And once they read the script, they, you know, it wasn't one of them that they chose to, uh, shoot, shoot a pilot for, but did it have, but was it a little darker? No, they, they kind of, no. Well, once you, if you sold it, that's already a win. Cause I've never even gotten that far and I've pitched 20 shows.

Really? Oh, my God, yeah. It's different though now. Yeah, it's totally different, right? It's totally different. Yeah, you kind of think like, man, how long did it take to develop a show pre-Strike? And now you're like, so much of it's like, do we need them? I know like...

I don't know. It's tough. You don't have a burning desire to have a TV show, do you? Not at all. Especially now. I got into it when I was in sitcom. I didn't even back then. I always just wanted to be a great comic. And, of course, I loved to have the money and it was going to help me, you know,

fill sheets in a room but I wasn't like I gotta get a sitcom I get bored it's a lot of waiting but it's I know it's a lot of waiting but if you work with someone else it is a different thing it's fun to like write a show with someone else and I've done that a few times that never worked out and

you know, developed in anything. But I like that. I like working with like one other person and creating something. But I mean, stand up will never not be number one. Yeah. But if you guys can create and be creative and make your own thing, that's great. But you got to create, give it to these retards in the suits. And then they go, I don't know, change this. Here's your notes. Apply that. Then resend it. And you're like, well, now it's different. But now do we have, I don't know if we have to do that anymore. We can just kind of make shit and put it on our YouTube channel. That's how I feel. Just put it out yourself.

Yeah, but you're right. It does get softened down to where you go, well, I don't even want to do it now. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Oh, my goodness. I remember working with a production company where the changes they would try to make to our show, they would...

They would make no sense. Was this a sitcom? It was an animated show I wrote with Dana Gould, and I loved it. I really loved what we made. It's a great premise. Dana's brilliant, and he's... I had, like, a very loose idea, and he liked it, and he was like, we can make this into something great, and he developed it into, like, 3D, like, characters with heart and an arm.

Right, right. And it was so fun. Yeah, he's brilliant. I love him. And he's also become a good friend of mine. But we're working with this company, and they're just, the changes they're making, they're like, they would contradict the notes in the first paragraph. Exactly. They would contradict the notes in the second. And I'd be like, do you understand that if we pull a thread, it undoes everything? Right. So we got really frustrated. It was like seven months of building something. I'm sure Dana Gould had been through that a million times. A million times. But he really is like, he's like a savant when it comes to building stuff.

stuff I mean he really was uh the Simpsons yeah he's just and he also did Stand Against Evil which that's up your that's in your wheelhouse right there horror comedy oh yeah uh he's done a lot of great stuff and his stand-up's great but I mean uh

It's a tough thing to do. It's tough. And it's better to make it on all the committee. It ruins it. It muddies the waters. That's why like a curb is great. It's just one guy's vision. Even Seinfeld, man. They said they wouldn't take, Larry David said he wouldn't take notes after like two or three rounds of notes for Seinfeld. He said, I'm not taking notes. And it's the best show, sitcom ever. So like leave, leave us alone. And then you, sometimes they give you notes. It's like you said. There are people that give good notes. So I've worked with people also the opposite who I'm like,

I'm like, these are really constructive notes. They weren't forcing me to take any of their notes. They were more like, what if you did this? And I was like, oh, that's interesting. If they're not forcing you and it's more of a conversation, I welcome another voice. Sure, sure. But if they're trying to just muddy something that you've created and make it into something else, now fuck that. It's a waste of time. And then it takes a year and a year and a half goes by and people go, whatever happened to that? You're like, actually, we're still in development.

Then you wrote 18 jokes since then. Yeah, I'm the same way. That process took like two years and it was always like...

Have we gotten a call? Have we gotten a call? And then I'm the guy. This person's on vacation. We can't contact them this week. It's a holiday. Right. It's Martin Luther King Day. We can't contact them. You know what? And in two weeks, it's going to be, you know, it's another holiday. Right. And then by the time they respond, it's fucking Thanksgiving. Right. And then they're like, everything's shutting down. Exactly. It's Christmas. No one works November to December. I wonder who will be on sitcoms in five years or whatever. It's not going to be so many comics. No. It's probably going to be comics that don't want to be.

you know, comics so much. One robot that Netflix created. One fat robot and then one really hot robot. And the fat robot's like, I don't even know how I got this chick. And there's a laugh track. Yeah, he's like, this is the fucking show right here. Yeah. It's like King of Queens, but it's a fucking, they're robots. That's funny. That's funny. You drink too much. Shut up, bitch. It's okay that he hits her because they're not real people. Right. I'm watching the game.

Leave me alone. And he's got a black friend. There's a black robot. There's diversity. So, you know. Yeah, yeah. It's tough out there. So, yeah, stand-up's the best. You can just do what you want. Yeah, stand-up's the best. It's like we were saying, you know, you find that joke...

out of nowhere after, you know, six months and it makes it all worthwhile and then you get that excruciating anxiety from not getting a joke for six months and then you find that joke again six months later. I followed you at New Jokes a couple nights ago and I loved you always doing new shit and when you write stuff...

It's like your writing is so concise. So there's like, I'm trying to like find a way to describe your style, but it's almost like it's autobiographical. Slow is the style. It's slow, but it's autobiographical, but also kind of like Mr. X. Right. And also it's like, I don't know. There's very few people who have a style like that. And it's observational as well. Observational. You can break down the couch. Philosophical at times. I broke down the couch. Yeah. And also like it's so short. Yeah.

that it's so hard to accumulate. You guys put out a year as well. You're a short joke. It takes forever to put 45 minutes together an hour. I know. This would be a great segue into new bits. Sometimes we talk about new bits we're working on that are half-cooked.

Do y'all have anything like that? I have like mostly horse shit right now because we did a two hour episode just recently where I threw a lot. But most of my ideas are either like in the act right now or they're garbage. But I'm sure I have a couple things. Yeah, I got a couple ideas. You want to do one? Well, this one's horrible and everybody hates it, but I think it's got legs. All right. You know, you got Anne Frank's diary. All right.

My buddy's got a kid, a girl who's like 15, and the mom found the diary and she was reading it and she was like, Jesus Christ, this is terrifying, the hooking up with boys and all that. And you're like, thank God Anne Frank wasn't two years older because it would be mostly handjobs in the diary, you know? So that would...

Like, the dad would be reading it like, yeah, these Nazis are bad, but Jesus Christ, you blew a guy? Come on! Last night I heard you do it, and you were like, thank God she got caught when she did. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, for the sake of the family. It's close. There's something here. I think it's an idea, because she hasn't gotten horny yet. You know? Thank God she died early. I like the idea that the dad is like, Jesus Christ, I hope they get us now. Yes!

Yeah. She's in that attic alone. Who knows what she's thinking? Yeah. And she never thought anybody would read it. So she's going to really open up, you know? That's an idea. Yeah.

Yeah, well, she had a crush on that boy, right? Yes. It could have been. Oh, she did. I haven't read it. It's been years. I read it in high school. And I saw the play with a young Natalie Portman. Whoa. No. Jewish. Yeah. Perfect. Well, you never know. You're right. They don't cast Jews a lot as the, yeah. They don't. But, yeah.

I've always said Jews have had a really hard time in Hollywood. That's a big belief of mine. No, she was great in it. She's always great. Went to Harvard. Did she? Yeah. She's got it all together. She's got an Oscar. Yeah. Is that right? From Black Swan. And marital problems. Get in there, buddy. Just recently, yeah. I think the guy cheated. Yeah. Wow. I think he's like a ballerina, too. He was? Yeah. Whoa. Whoa.

You never know what's going on behind closed doors, but that sentence doesn't read well. Ballerina cheats on Natalie Portman. All you're waiting for is the picture of who he cheated with because you're not sure which way to go. Well, it's never, I mean, it's not going to be Natalie Portman. But you're backstage with all these hot ballerina ladies. I think, you know, it's got to be tempting.

Yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah. And he's like, he was like the. We're just saying on paper, you're like, what the, I mean. Of course, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Anyone at work is anyone with a sexy type job is going to have. Yeah. I remember being 16 in a bar drunk and peeing in a urinal. And they, you know, they, they wrote all over the walls. And one guy wrote the hottest girl you've ever seen. Some guy's tired of fucking her. And I remember being like, whoa.

blew my mind. 15-year-old, 16-year-old drunk. I was like, that's unbelievable. Because I never got laid. I was a nerd. So I couldn't fathom...

fucking a hot girl and getting tired of it it wouldn't even register that's definitely a quote that when you see as a kid it does you're like yeah yeah that started that's the beginning of growing up because you're just like i'm just trying to get laid once yes exactly exactly but my my wife's always like who would cheat like uh the emrata what's her name emily ratakowski her husband cheated yeah and she's like you know the supermodel super hot lady and

And you're like, it's just different. It's not about the hottest woman. Who would cheat? By the way, try having a conversation with her. I'm sure that's when you cheat. I'm sure the first time you're fucking her, you're not thinking of cheating. I'm sure it's like three months in. Who's the comic who went out with her?

Oh, and Eric. Oh, wow. She likes comics. I should make jokes about her. Comics have a chance. Yeah. She seems very smart and well read. Big fan. And I would love to hear her opinion. Yeah. I read her book. I don't even know if she has a book. Diary. It's all about fingering herself and blowing her goddard.

We'll have you as a guest. Come on in, sister. Yeah, no, she's... We'd love to have you. Attractive woman. Beautiful. Beautiful. Who, Emily? Yeah, yeah. Emily or Portman? She almost looks like a... She almost looks like an alien. I saw her at the Knicks game. That kind of works. I know. No, like sexy aliens. It's like the chicken Mars attacks.

I'm like, I'd fuck her. What's his name's girlfriend? Who? Tim Burton's girlfriend? Oh. The redhead? Oh, I know. Hell of a bottom Carter? No, he had a girlfriend before that named, fuck, I can't remember her name. There she is.

Something, but she was in Mars Attack. She was so hot. Oh, yeah. That was a weird movie. Jack Nicholson. It didn't really work. It's weird to see Nicholson in a comedy. I love him in a comedy, but it just didn't work. Crazy cast, though.

Oh, dude, I remember Jack Black and a lot of names. Lisa Marie. Lisa Marie, that's who it is. I don't know her. Who's that? She just passed away. That was Tim Burton. She did? Lisa Marie Presley? No, no, this is just Lisa Marie. No Presley. Oh. Yeah. Jack Black, DeVito, Annette Bening. I mean, Pierce Brosnan. Annette Bening, was it? She was a dime piece. I think Martin Short's in it. Michael Jay, Sarah Jessica Parr, Natalie Poore. Everybody's in it. Martin Short. Yeah. Christina App.

Everybody's in this. Oh, yeah.

Good lord, what a cast. I might have to make another Negron. This is fucking good, dude. Get a Negron. I love it. I've just been drinking on the beach all day, so I'm trying to pace. Oh, you were in Brighton Beach? I went to Brighton Beach. Dude, I'm a New Yorker. I've never been there. It's beautiful. It's all Russian. Great Russian food, right? Great Russian food. We got Russian food with the wife. We took the car down. Beautiful day, by the way. Beautiful. And I did a podcast last week on Brighton Beach, and I was like, I walked out, and I said, let me see the water.

Pretty. Empty. I was like, everybody talks about Rockaways or Jacob Reese or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I heard Jacob Reese yesterday. See? But Brighton Beach is a hidden gem. What do you take? The R train there? I drove, but you can take the F or the R. Yeah, it's right down there. It's on the way to Coney Island, and it's beautiful. It's in Torogees? Yeah. Disney? No.

Not too bad. Not too bad today. Jumped in the water. I was in the ocean today. Yeah? It's just right there, and we all take it for granted. What was the ethnic mix there? It was a big mix. It was very Eastern Bloc. Yeah. I've seen only white people there is what I was trying to get at. There was some Hispanic as well. But yeah. But it was great. It seems like they kind of like

Keep a stiff arm. There's a little of that. Yeah. On diversity? I think so. Really? It's more communist there than Russia, I heard. Because they all moved here in the 60s when communism was kicking. And then they never evolved. Whereas Russia even evolved. But they just stayed, you know, the same way. Yeah, Russia seems like a really chill place right now.

Jeez. I was reading the Putin book by Masha. What are you? Putin? Einstein? Who are you? Fuck it. I was just on vacation. You read on vacation. You sit by the fucking water. Let me get some light reading and get a Putin's biography. Well, I didn't finish it. I read the first couple hundred pages. I was just curious, but it's literally every... How was it? It's interesting, but it reads like a fucking novel because every chapter is like... You're like, I bet this is like a really interesting history in Russia. And then you're just like, every chapter they introduce a new guy and I'm like, I bet this guy gets shot in the face. Yeah.

And curveball, he does every time. Every time some guy's like, I don't think Putin's a good guy. And then he's in a dimly lit staircase and the light goes out and he gets shot in the face. That's literally every chapter. The proof is in the Putin. Someone opposes Putin and they just get murdered. Yeah. Did you pause the Stalin podcast you were listening to to get through the Putin book? Yeah.

Jesus, that's dark. What a vacation. Well, you know, I live two blocks from the Strand bookstore, so it's just like you're bored, you're killing some time, and you're like, ah, that could be interesting. Whatever's going to maybe fuel a bit, I don't know. Yeah, and the biographies are the best. Yeah. Nothing's better than a biography. I don't know. That's great, though. I'm proud of you.

That's a good look, though. Sitting in Greece reading a Putin book. Yes. You know, you look like a talented Mr. Ripley or something. Yeah, you look like a diplomat or something. Right before I killed a guy in his boat. Yes. Good movie. Great movie. Not bad, yeah. I think that was the height of Gwyneth Paltrow's beauty. She's not like super sexy, but she looks... She's super hot in that movie. She kind of glows. She glue. Glue? Goop. Ah. Ah.

And also Philip Seymour Hoffman is incredible. Oh, my God. It was on TV the other day. It's a great movie. And a great fucking book. Patricia Highsmith. There you go. Oh, a couple. You can read a couple Ripley's. You're a big, you're a horror guy. I like crime, too. I read a lot of crime, yeah. True crime or like noir? No, noir stuff. Like a lot of Patricia Highsmith. She's good. Yeah, she's great. So there's a 90s Ripley movie with... John Malkovich? Malkovich. Yeah. Yeah. Not handsome at all.

Oh, a remake. It's an original. Original from the 90s. He plays... He plays Ripley. Who's the other guy? Who's Dickie? Or is that Matt Damon? No, Dickie.

I think he's Jude Law. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Whenever I hear Jude Law's name, I think of Rock. Jude Law. Remember when he trashed Jude Law? Remember Sean Penn defended him? Yes, yes. That was great. Wow, that was amazing. That was the original Will Smith slap when Sean Penn checked him. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

That was a weird Oscar. That was like an oral slap. It was like right when actors were slowly not being able to laugh at themselves. Yes. That preceded the Ricky Gervais just torching everyone. I feel like Rock went lighter and they were just like, I remember Sean Penn came out like Jude Law is a really good actor. That's a pretty good Sean Penn. It's 2002 called Ripley's Game.

Yes! It's not a remake. I remember this. Oh, that must have been after it, though, no? Yeah, I was after it. Talented Mr. Ripley was in the 90s. Was he after? Really? 90s? No. Oh, no way. I think it was 90s. I think Ripley was late 90s. Talented. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So this is 2002. Oh, sorry. Okay. Wow. What a weird jump it is. We talk movies on this podcast like a motherfucker. We love movies. You gonna see Oppenheim?

Of course. Does that interest you? I can't wait. I can't wait. Yeah, I haven't seen it. I might. It's hard to get me to go to a movie. I know, but this one is like... This one, I think you got to see in the theater. And Barbie. It got tremendous reviews. Oh, good. Thank God. I even want to see Mission Impossible. I mean, I feel like it's like a fun... It looks so good, yeah. He's just like... At a certain point, you just got to applaud...

His movie stardom, he's so solid. Exactly. Here's my rec. I just rewatched Captain Phillips. It's great. I've never seen it. Yeah. I'm the captain now. It's so good. You would love it. It's a true story, too.

Great movie. Just riveting. You're on the edge of your seat the whole time. The acting's great. Tom Hanks kind of nails the accent for the first time in his life. There he is. What was that guy supposed to be? Where is he supposed to be from? Somali pirates. No, but where is he from? Oh, I can't remember. Vermont. Oh, he's an American? He's a Vermont guy. But where's the boat supposed to be? They're off the some kind of... Somali? The Balkans. They're in water. They're by the Balkans, whatever that means.

What's that one? Not Bajubi. Kajubi? Mabuti. Djibouti. Djibouti. He's right by Djibouti.

It's basically like the formula for Air Force One, but on a boat. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But it's real. It happened. Ted Alexander had that great bit about, boy, pirates have really changed. He's a guy with a parrot and a fucking eye patch, and now it's some Somali guy who's trying to steal your cargo. How come they don't carry guns on these ships? There's no guns! Why not? If you guys are attacking with guns, how come you don't attack with guns? That's what I said. Maybe they can't have them in certain waters or something?

I don't know. I don't know, but that was a big thing. International waters? They have a meeting. I don't want to ruin it, but they have a meeting in the hull with all the crew, and they're like, if there ain't no guns here, let's go home, Captain. Let's get out of here. They're coming back. They're coming back. And he's like, no, we're going to do our delivery. Oh, the Somalis didn't have any guns. No, no, they have guns. Oh, they do. They have AK-47s. Those guys don't have guns to shoot back for some reason. Yeah, they have hoses. They've got hoses. That's all their guns. Hoses. Yeah.

That's a lot of good that does. I know. Well, tell that to the civil rights. I'll make you wet. That's all they got. Sounds like me with my wife. But yeah, great movie. Check it out. Yeah. You'd ever do any movies?

You mean be in any movies? Yeah. No, no, I haven't been in any movies. I'd like to be in a horror movie. But you write movies. You love horror. Yeah, I'm a big horror movie fan. Mark and I feel like we don't know horror as well. Yeah, well, there's a new one relatively new in the last three years called Antlers that I thought was really, really good. It was with Keri Russell.

She was lovely, right? Lovely. Great head of hair. In Mission Impossible, she's one of them. And she was a Mickey Mouse girl, a Mouseketeer. That's a real skyrocket to fame. She's been in show business forever. Some of those people have been, yeah. Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, a lot of Mouseketeers. Have you seen... Mouseketeers. I came with a couple recommendations. Please, lay it on me, Fanny. Salton Sea.

What is that? Is that the book? No, it's a noir movie with Val Kilmer. Pull it up. Never heard of it. I fucking love Val Kilmer. Oh, he's great. I just watched Real Genius for the first time. I'd never seen it. I'd never seen it. 80s classic. He's amazing. He's great. He steals it. It's pretty funny. What is? Real Genius with Val Kilmer. Oh, it's so funny. It's so well done. Yeah, I was laughing. I love him. Smart movie. Smart jokes and that.

Another 2002 movie. This is around the year you got Letterman. Yeah, probably, yeah. B.D. Wong. Oh, he was good. Yeah. It's all about meth. The meth trade. This is right after 9-11 when things got dark. Fight Club. They always had the same vibe. Oh, Goldberg. Goldberg, yeah.

Oh, this is very druggy. It's all about drugs. I've never heard of it. This looks fun. And what's his name? Um...

Who's that guy? Isar's guard is so good. I thought he should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this movie. Mark turned me on to the Val Kilmer documentary, which I watched. How was it? It's incredible. It's heartbreaking, though. It's on Amazon. It breaks your heart because he's just great. He's one of those dudes that I feel like was just in a lot of bad movies. Yes. But when he got a meaty role, he just crushed it.

Yeah. There's another good Val Kilmer movie called Spartan. I don't know it. It was written by David Mamet, the guy who wrote Glengarry Gooders. Sure, yeah. I love Mamet. That's another crime movie. Spartan. I don't know Spartan. Spartan, yeah. I'm watching both of these. I'm watching these too. These are great. How do we miss these? Ed O'Neill. Love Ed O'Neill. Mamet. And directed.

A fat woman came into the shoe store today. Let's rock. No, ma'am. Still acting. Boy, he was a hunk. He was a hunk, man. And he was just so fucking funny, too. Funny, top secret was great. Top secret rules. You know what movie I love him in is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Oh.

Great movie. I fucking love that movie. Great popcorn. And he also just crushes it. That's Shane Black, I think. I love Shane Black. I watch The Nice Guys like every three months. I just watched half of that on a plane. It's on Netflix now, so I just watch it. It just puts me in such a good mood. It's just a fucking good vibe. I'll tell you, I watched it about two months ago. Half of it you couldn't do today. Is that Robert Downey Jr.? Yeah, every joke is like slur, slur, Asian, gay, a lot of gay stuff, a lot of women stuff, a lot of rape stuff. Yeah, but he's gay in it.

That's true. That helps. Who, Val Kilmer? Yeah. He's Gay Perry, the PI. Gay Perry. That movie, we watched it on the tour bus and everyone was kind of like, here we go. And then within like five minutes, everyone was like, this is fucking awesome. It's great. It's so good. I saw someone post a scene yesterday on a TikTok video and it reminded me of it.

It's like a realistic version of what this actually happens when you try and break somebody's window. Oh, yeah. It broke all the rules, this movie. Oh, losing a lot of blood here. It's the same scene where they go up to stop the shootout, and they...

They go up in the elevator and they just see everyone getting shot and they just puss out and go back in the elevator. I mean, it's like you never see shit like that in movies. They're always heroic, but they're pussies in movies. Yeah, it's great when stuff is like that. It's so good. Yeah, Shane Black is fucking great, man. The Saint is another good Val Kilmer movie. Yes. Wasn't he a blind guy? No, that's when he turned down for...

That's love at first sight, you're thinking. The same as the one he did, he turned down the Batman movie to do that. That was his second Batman movie? That would have been his second Batman? Yeah, but he hated doing Batman. Yeah, the first one sucked. Second one sucked. Who's the bad guy in Batman?

Was that Mr. Freeze? Yeah, that was the one that would have been Schwarzenegger. It was second with... We're talking like the... Technically, they were the third and fourth. Right. They were counting Michael Keaton, but it was like... Well, I like the Keaton. I think that was... Yeah, I like the Keaton ones, too. They were fun. Tim Burton. Yeah, but remember Mr. Freeze. Chill out.

Yeah. Cool down. He had always had a cold line. Right, he had a little cold line. Although Uma Thurman is Poison Ivy. Oh my gosh. Unreal. She's gorgeous. Oh yeah. Good looking lady. Yeah, but then Nolan made the Batman movies fucking cool as hell. Nolan, he's the only one who's allowed to promote Oppenheimer because he's in the director's guild.

They're not striking. Yeah, but I think they all probably feel weird. It's weird. It's weird to have something come out now. Of course. Boy, even the... My uncle. Even the costumes back then didn't look as good as they do now. It's like cosplay. They look cheap. Yes, it's like a Comic-Con, bitch. That was the problem with this movie is that they were trying to be kind of campy, but it just didn't work. Yes. And then Nolan went dark.

I mean, campy can work, but it just didn't work here. And then they did Dark Knight. I mean, the Batman McGinnis was incredible. Oh, yeah. Changed it up. Was that the first one? Yeah, that was the one where he's training and shit and a badass. I mean, that was an incredible... Everyone talks about the Dark Knight because of Heath Ledger, but I thought that first one was pretty damn good, too. Oh, it was great. That was Liam Neeson? Yeah. And Cillian Murphy. Save the franchise. You see these pictures of Nick Cage as the Superman. What the fuck?

How did that... Whoa, that never got made, right? No, that was supposed to be with Kevin Smith? No, Burton. Oh. What? Yeah, and they tried him out and everything for it. Oh, my God. He looks like the guy from The Room. What is he doing? Hello, Mark. He looks like trans Nicolas Cage there. He does. Nicole Cage. Nicole Cage. He's too intense to be Superman. You're right. Aye. Aye.

Yeah, everyone at the Daily Planet would have caught on. Yeah. It's like, dude, you were fucking emo. Right, right. Right, right. He looks... Yeah, he just looks like an alcoholic or a heroin addict here. He looks like the guy on the Sunset Strip who dressed as Superman. You're like, dude, it's not going to work. Dude, he's... Face-off was on TV. Yeah, that hair does not work at all. Face-off is a great...

It's a great action movie. Holds up. It's insane. Talk about campy. They nail it because they're so over the top. That's John Woo, right? Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. Woo, woo. That's a campy movie that works. You know what I realized? They just cut out any part of story. They're like, we're just going to lose story or bad. Just make every scene insane. Woo.

Damn, you good looking. So bad. Face Off is amazing. But good. Con Air, all those. The Rock, loved all of that. Those are both good, but I think Face Off's on another level. Face Off's, yeah. I like both of those, too.

I mean, Connery was so fucking cool. You know what? I got a great rec for you guys. Hit me. Old school Connery and Michael Caine, The Man Who Would Be King. I haven't seen it. Incredible movie. Pull it up. I bet it's got a hot Rotten Tomatoes. Christopher Plummer's in it too. Oh, he's always good. That's a badass movie. It's got Apocalypse Now vibes. He takes over this little village and they...

And they basically, like, they think he's a god. And it's fucked up. It's really great. What did I just watch with Plummer? It's about the newspaper. What did I just watch with Plummer about the newspaper?

Oh, and Pacino. The Insider. I told you to watch that. Insider. Amazing. I told you. That's Michael Mann. He's the king. I say that's Michael Mann's best movie, and I love Michael Mann. Easily the best movie. But The Insider is a fucking 10. And Russell Crowe killed it. Isn't that a great movie? Great movie. I told Mark to watch it on the pod. There's a guy who can pull it together at any moment. It's Russell Crowe. He could...

He's so good. But Mark's texting me while he's watching. He's like, this is fucking insane. I was wrapped in. I was about to go on stage and Mark's like, dude, this movie rules. Yeah, and there's not much action. No, it's a lot of talking. But you're just sucked in. You're locked into it. It's so good. That's good filmmaking when you can get that kind of suspense out of it.

out of a thriller without any violence that's one of um just good writing Val Kilmer's best roles as Heat oh Heat yeah he's got a small he's got a small part but it's great for him I love him so good damn he always rings the most even in Top Gun he was like I'm just this hot blonde guy now I gotta he had to make us a meal out of it yeah

Yeah, he rules. I heard a conspiracy theory that the Connery character from The Rock is 007 after he got retired. Oh, really? That's fun.

And there's like little hints if you look inside the rock that he's saying, I had this case that I was working on. He mentioned some case he was working on why he got arrested. And it's what happens in one of the 007 movies that he starred in. Wow. Cool. You know who the new Bond's going to be? Who? Dylan Mulvaney. Just going to announce. You got to love Reddit because of the shit they throw on there. They're like, we got a conspiracy for you. And you're like, oh, and it's like a cool one like that. And then the next one is like, Jews eat babies. And you're like, all right.

I mean, you guys have range. I'll give you that. There was one about you guys last week. What? Yeah. Which one of you actually drinks more? What do you think? It's the same. I think it's about the same, but I think it varies. Like every now and then I'll go on a bender and you're doing good and you'll go on a bender and I'm doing good. I think I hear stories about Mark because I was just doing the Great Outdoors Fest and Laura Peek was on the show and she was like, Mark and I drank till 5 a.m. And I'm like, damn, I don't really do that anymore. So I was like, in my head, I'm like, maybe Mark has the edge.

Well, we were in Grand Rapids. We had to drink, yeah. But I also just, you know, but then Salacuse mentioned this to me before the pod, and he was like, but Mark does shrooms, and you only drink.

You might take a night off. You don't do shrooms? I don't do anything but alcohol. I just like alcohol. Oh, you would love them. You would love them. You're the kind of guy who would love them. Wow, I think you can dabble in a vegetable. Yeah, that's possible. I got some gummies you want to try. He's sober. But you put on the thing. You put a pot of tea on, have a shroom gummy. It's a great night. Mark, would you do one more of these or are you done? Sure, I'll do another. All right. It's early. Can I put the mic back on? Yeah.

Yeah, Mike Pack. Hand me a drink. This is exciting. It's an action-packed episode. You're moving around. I'm moving, baby. I'm moving and shaking, I'll tell you. So you're still on the road constantly. Yeah, I probably do. Well, not as many. I used to do 40, 42, 43 weeks a year, but now I probably do 30. Yeah, I do less. 30 is still a good number. Yeah, that's a good number.

Oh, yeah. But you love it, though, don't you? What's the one you look forward to? You mean what city? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Come on, Nick. You've been to every goddamn city. You did two nights in Wuhan last year.

You know, a lot of those Midwest cities I like because they're just... John Woohead. People are into it. Like, I like Omaha a lot. Omaha's funny bone is incredible. One of the best funny bones, for sure. And she's so nice. I love Colleen. Colleen. Colleen. She's Indianapolis.

I've been drinking. Oh, really? Forget I brought it up. No, no, Colleen, when I played the club, she was talking about how much she loves you, and I was like, fuck. Oh, yeah, we've been friends forever. Did you guys hook up? No. Come on, Nick. What?

Is this that silver fox? Yeah. Omaha, what else do you like, Nick? She's more of a mother figure to me, which actually doesn't stop me from... That's a genre of porn. That's right. No, but I like Omaha. I like Kansas City. I like... Oh, you're a Midwest man. Yeah. Aren't you from Kansas? Yeah, I'm from Kansas. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Damn, you got a New York vibe. Yeah. Maybe it's just the depression. Maybe that's it. I mean, it probably is a little, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that's part of your act that I like is that you have like a Midwest sensibility, but there's like something very New York about you too. Right. Yeah. I think it's because I kind of got my start in New York. I went there after about two years of doing stand-up, and I only stayed for like three, four years, but I got that...

Just running around doing sets, you know, hurriedly anxious and all that stuff. Yeah. And there was so much going on back then. Like, back then there was like 20 cable TV shows you could get on. And everyone was trying to do it. Who were the kings of New York back then when you came to? Well, just the likely suspects, you know. Louis, Dave, Sarah, Mark Maron, David.

Were you cool with all of them? Jeff Ross. Yeah, but I kind of kept to myself. Who else was back there? Did the Tough Crowd crew bother you? No, I wasn't there. Oh, you weren't there for that. I moved to L.A. before that. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. All right. And some of those guys weren't even here yet. I mean, Colin was here. He was killing it. Oh, yeah. Ray Romano was killing it, and Judy Gold was killing it. Hell, yeah.

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Yeah, well, who was like, were there anyone, did anyone do you feel like took you under your wing at that point or was it kind of like? You know, the head writer for Conan now, well, the guy who used to be head writer in Still. Brian Kiley? No, Mike Sweeney. Oh,

He's great. He was super, super nice to me. Mark Cohen was super nice to me. I hung out with the Tell. Yeah, most of those guys. Talked Barry a little bit. Tell might have the best line about you. You guys did some podcast that I listened to, and you said something, and the room got bummed out. And Tell goes, let me open a window and let the sad out. Yeah, that's true. That actually did happen. That was such a good line. Yeah.

Noah's great. I remember thinking that is the perfect... He's the king of that. He's the king. And it's just so natural and easy. But yeah, he's... I mean, I remember... I mean, I hate to make this about Dave Attell, but I remember from...

91 people coming down from upstairs at the Olive Tree to come down and watch Dave do sets and it's still happening still happening and he's also just a great guy yeah it helps so much that he's just the coolest also but yeah I wonder when he's gonna put that next special out I know he shot something in SF and uh yes of course I text him I'm like dude I can't wait to see it and he's just like it's okay yeah he's so pessimistic it was amazing I was there he murdered every night he killed yeah roof came off

His comedy just makes... It's like he's the dude that, like, because I watched him since I was a kid. So he's the dude that when I go down and I watch, I feel like I'm here to go. Everyone does. You just forget your bullshit. And you're like, oh, this is what it feels like to pay for... Because we all get jaded doing this for this long. But then when you watch Dave, there's something that, like, it takes you out of this. And you just feel like you paid for a ticket and are watching comedy. It just all works. You know, the look and the tone and obviously the world-class jokes. Yeah.

It just, in one package, it just doesn't get better. It doesn't get better than that. He's the king, and I always say he won't. This is dark. But I don't think he's going to get the love he deserves until he dies. Let me open the window here. Let me open the window here. But I'm saying when he dies, everybody's going to come out. The outpouring is going to be insane, but it should be insane now. I really resent that shit. I do too. That's why we try to blow him every show. And I really like...

When the fucking fake Patrice fanboys come out of the woodwork and they're just like, I always knew. And I'm like, were you buying tickets when he was alive? Exactly. Or are you just a fucking poser? Right. I hate that shit. It bothers me because, you know, we've lost so many great comics in the last, you know, 10 to 15 years. You know, we were fortunate. I remember, like, one of the best nights...

of my comedy life as a spectator is watching Greg Giraldo's hour with Mark at you and me in the back of comics, just fucking laughing our ass off. Right. I mean, but dude, but we were like inspired. This is what comedy is. Greg Giraldo dude, like shitting on hecklers,

Doing social commentary, personal stuff. Like, Greg was so sharp and funny. Yeah, he was great. He was amazing. I loved his stuff. I loved it. I saw him at Gotham. I saw him at Comics. I remember one magical night, Mark Maron's podcast was new and kind of niche. It was like a fringe thing, a podcast. It was so new. And he did a live one at Comics with Mark Maron, Greg Giraldo, Dave Attell, and Morgan Murphy. Wow. And Dave Attell is...

And Geraldo ran it. They just had a million great lines and it was fucking amazing. And Mark Maron kind of just threw his hands up and he's like, you guys just go. Yeah. They were killing so hard, just riffing and zinging on Maron a lot, which is great. At one point, Greg's like, Morgan, I think you fucked all of us. You know? Like, it was gold.

She's a really funny comic. She's a great joke writer. She's an underappreciated comic. I agree. Well, she writes on every show in LA. She's a sought-after writer. But you brought up Brian Kiley a minute ago, man. I saw some Brian Kiley bits the other day. Fucking brilliant. One-liners. Oh, my God. He's amazing. He had a joke about how I knew a nice mafioso when I was young. He would actually pay me just $20 every day just to start his car. Just such a sweet guy.

That's a great joke!

Like, they were all Mr. X. We were like, damn, he's great. I call my wife Pumpkin because you get smashed around the holidays. I'm so Irish, my blood type is O apostrophe. I mean, he's brilliant. He's got a million of them. I love his stuff. That's funny. Yeah, he's awesome. I love just straight jokes. I do, too. It's rare. It's so great to see a great joke. Just what, you know, every night. It's awesome. Yeah, he's like, my name's Brian Carley, which is very Irish. My uncle's even more Irish. His name is Potato McSmallpenis.

Just hard jokes. They're just hard jokes. I love them. It's amazing that you can create something that never existed and then make it funny. Yes! That's impossible. Yes, exactly. Think of something that's never existed. Now make that funny. Yeah. Oh, he had one about something about a bouncy house. And he's like, my dad was so broke, he never could afford a bouncy house. But he wrote a couple of bouncy checks or something like that. Wow. I'm butchering it, but it was great.

Yeah, he was so cool. He's a dude I met when I was like 18 or 19 doing stand-up. And I remember like... Sweetest guy. He was chatting me up at the bar. He was kind of... I think he was like kind of curious because I was like a child in the bar. And he was like... He was so fucking nice, you know? That sounded creepy. Yeah, what the hell, man? He was like, you're kind of a cute kid now. Yeah. No, he said... He's going to work for Subway Sandwiches. I don't know. I went up to him and I was like, man, I like your comedy a lot. I knew he was. And...

And he was telling me, I was like, I saw you on Dr. Katz. I liked Dr. Katz as a kid. My brother watched Dr. Katz, so that made me watch Dr. Katz. It was like that line on Comedy Central, Dr. Katz and the Critic, which was like the best fucking line on TV at the time. I loved both those shows. But he was just talking. He was like, yeah, man, I do crowd work, and I'm like filthy when I do crowd work. And then I do my act, and it's squeaky clean. So people are like, what the hell is wrong with you?

But I remember he was so freaking nice. And then whenever I do Conan, he's a writer there. So he and Laurie Kilmartin would always say what's up and chill. They were awesome. She's got great jokes. I saw her at the stand, I don't know, a month ago. And she had all this killer new stuff I'd never heard. It was gold. Yeah, she's fucking funny. Yeah, she's great. She writes a ton. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just sharp. Yeah, those Conan writers just...

have that killer every day yeah well conan's not gonna hire scrubs conan's a fucking i wish conan would come back on in on the tv i just yeah what i thought he was doing something on max what's going on he's got a pod the podcast is big yeah the podcast is huge and it may just be enough for him he's just so he's just so was conan you're a letterman guy or conan or was it a little bit of both i was a little bit of both but i was really really really into letterman when i was young uh

My favorite Letterman joke ever was they were riffing. Dave was at the desk and Paul said, hey, what did you do this weekend, Dave? And he goes, I did the same thing I do every weekend. I sat at the end of the bed with my face in my hands. And I remember being a kid going, wow, that is fucking dark. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, it's got some you in it. I feel like there's an influence there. But it's just so, wow. Wow, because this millionaire TV star is still sad. That's fucking great. It was funny, but man. Yeah, he was quick. Is there something about that, like, you can reach the pinnacle and you're still like, well, this ain't it. This isn't what I thought. Something I think about all the time where...

somebody said hey do you like being a celebrity he's like well i'm so insecure that if i wasn't a celebrity i don't know if i could handle life because i need people being that nice to me and i remember like whoa that's interesting yeah that is interesting it's such a positive that is like the definition of a of a celebrity too yeah people being nice to you just to make

Make sure you're okay. And for a guy to admit it like that. Everybody tries to act cool, like, oh, yeah, it's all great, but he said that, and it blew my mind. I had such a positive experience with Dave that it was like...

I mean, it was like crazy. It was crazy that he was that nice. I feel like I got him at an amazing time because he had been... Was that a festival? We did the Netflix Fest. So he interviewed me on his show. Yeah, I saw that. I'm just sitting down with Letterman and I'm like, dude... Insane. I went and watched. I had to see you two together. The world's colliding. It's fascinating. But yeah, no, it's like when you... Like Norman's... I literally... There was other people on the show that had like 40 people there. I had my agent and Mark. I'm like...

I'm like, that's all I have. People have like family there. And I'm like, I got Norman and Berkowitz. That's what I got. So, you know, but I'm there. And of course, uh, you know, the first show we did to the first one, you're pretty nervous with the second one. I'm like, you know, I, I, first one went pretty well. The second one, I fucking, I lay, I was like, I'm in, I'm ready. Cause he was so nice and chill. I mean, I think he, when he did those shows, uh,

It was five episodes a week, four or five episodes a week. He's kind of run down. He's probably cranky because how do you do that job and not be cranky? Sure. When I did it, like I remember reading an Apatow's book, this interview with Dave, he goes, I'm so isolated.

right now that I just am talking to random dudes in the coffee shop because I'm bored. So I'm like, can you imagine you're in a coffee shop and David Letterman starts interviewing you? He's like, so what are you up to? Right. So I got that Letterman where he was like so happy to be doing this and he was so positive and like,

talking about our rooftop special, Matt. Wow. I'm in the green room with Dave before and he was like, this is so interesting to me that you just created something out of nothing. And I'm like, I got that Dave. Not edge of his bed with his hands in his hands. No. I got a very... He was very positive and he was very kind and I was like, man, like...

it's funny when you're a kid you're like i'll do anything to get on letterman and then you're like well it's not that letterman i'm on but this is like this was fucking crazy it's almost better in some ways i i for me it was like you know margaret i've done a fair share of late night sets and you know they're cool but i remember one time i met uh

I had a little conversation with Norm Macdonald at Caroline's about Late Night. I was just like, man, I would kill to do... I know, I love the shirt. But I was like, I would kill to do panel. And he was like, no, stand-up's better because you don't have to wait for someone to tee you up. You just tell the jokes. And I was like...

in my head, but I was thinking like, but I think the bar is lower when you're on panel because they just set you up. And if you're funny, the audience is like, oh my God, that was like a riff. So true. You know? So to me, I didn't agree with that, but that's how I felt. It was like, man, the, we're so dialed in now because we're just so used to podcasting and we're so used to talking and we're so like, I have jokes in my back pocket if the conversation ain't going well. But I think you're just given such a bonus if you hit,

on panel as opposed to stand-up where they're like, if every line is not a fucking home run, you're a failure. Whereas if you have one home run on a panel set, people are like, holy shit, that was killer. Like Rodney on Carson. Like every line. It was a hit. Every line. It was a set-up joke, but whatever. Yeah. Of course. And let's be honest, not to throw shade, as the kids say, but you get Madonna on there, what the hell is she talking about? And then you come out there with some killer stories and some Mr. X, you're going to win. Yeah.

Yeah, like what I would do late night, and maybe this is true for you, but like you would have, I don't want to name names, but if there's like a dud first guest, you'd be like, this is great because they're going to be so eager. Yes. The audience is going to be so eager to hear something funny or entertaining or whatever. And those Letterman crowds were lovely.

White hot. White hot. I also found that sometimes the best Conan's that I ever had was following Bill Burr, though. Oh, really? So I think sometimes when someone whips him into shape, I mean, Bill. Oh, interesting. The guests on that show were Bill Hader, Bill Burr, and then me. Wow. And I feel like Bill Hader killed, Bill Burr just annihilated, and then I go out and they're just like ready to rock. Right. Whereas I remember some of the sets I wasn't as pleased with, the guests weren't good. Right.

So I think sometimes it can work. It can work both ways. Yeah, it could. I had JWoww one show and I was like, Oh, I got this, you know, I'm going to save this whole fucking show. I had a rough set, but that's to your point. No, I think sometimes having a great killer guest before you can really save the day. Oh yeah. Um,

But yeah, I mean, the hunger is, it is a thing. I mean, and you're definitely watching them. Like, I'll bring it around. But sometimes I'm watching them like, you're fucking killing the whole. I remember following Cory Booker and Fallon. And I'm like, you think I'm going to follow? Yeah, from Newark. Yeah, I'm like, you think I want to follow Hope? I'm fucking, this is brutal. Ha ha.

And then, of course, it's hilarious. He comes to the green room afterwards, and my mom is there. My mom's like, Mr. Booker, what you've done for Newark? I'm like, great. Now he's going to hang for like 30 minutes. And he did. He's a good politician. He was like, I got to vote right here. Let me fucking work it. Very nice guy. Very nice guy. But, you know, I was kind of like, this guy buried me. This motherfucker buried me. With your own mom?

with my oh boy hope i didn't bury her i had a nick offerman once and he was funny in the green room like he was in that that common area you know and conan yeah and there was one point where i had to walk through with a towel on because i you know they were steaming my shit because it was all wrinkled and uh he's like shave the boy and send him to my room and everyone's laughing i was like whoa

Offerman's been, he's on. Yeah, yeah. He's so damn good. He's a talent. I mean, he's like a great actor, but he also, I mean, like Parks and Rec, that shit's pretty legendary. Oh, yeah. Solid, so solid. And he's married to Megan Mullally.

Can you imagine? They're just both pretty cool. So funny, so cool. They look like showbiz. I mean, and not in the old fashion, but just like solid talent. It's like Spencer Tracy and Hepburn. Yeah. But comedy. Yeah. But comedy. Apparently, Spencer Tracy back in the day was such a drunk that the studio would hire someone to shadow him when he'd go to bars. And if he would get too blackout, they would just carry him into a car because they didn't want it to be a news story. I got to get that.

guy. What a gig. What a legendary drunk. Yes. Yes. Because he was such an icon that you couldn't let him fuck up too much, I guess. Man. Wow. I love that old Hollywood show. But I mean, it was just like a cooler time. And now it's like so corny, I feel like. But like back then. So corny. So corny. And there's a camera on you every moment. Like he'd say some horrible word at a bar and he'd be ruined. But you can't be like that anymore.

Exactly. Or you'd be ruined in a second. But, I mean, there's something so fun about being, like, an old showbiz drunk. Totally. Totally. With the studio having a car for you and all that stuff. I kind of love it. Making sure it all works out. Yeah. Yeah, that is nice. You know, like, I was on the beach today, and I told the wife, I was like, hey, watch this. And I just stood on the sand and started peeing, you know, in the bathing suit. And it's dripping down. I had a few margaritas. And, uh...

I just kept thinking like, thank God all these people are Russian and don't know who the fuck I am because I can do this. Otherwise they're like, headline, TMZ, Mark Norman defecates on beach or whatever the fuck. And you're like, let me just be an idiot.

Like Spencer Tracy. I don't know how he was bragging about how pristine these beaches were, and he's like, I pissed all over myself. I buried it. You know, I moved the sand around. That's a classic. That should do it. I went in the ocean. That's a classic. I don't know. I thought everybody did that. Is that not a comedy? That's a pretty low classic. Wow. Mark shifts his pants in a bar. I'm doing a bit. It's a classic. Woo.

It killed. It was something like Asian kid. Like, yeah. I was on vacation with a woman and this is my classic bit. Okay. Here we go. We're in a nice pool in Greece. It's like a nice hotel. And I'm like, I think this is funny. I'm like, come here a second. I just fucking Samoan drop her. I just throw her over my head. And it gets a laugh from everybody. She's like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah.

You're a complete fucking idiot. Wait, wait, where was she? She was in the pool? She was in the pool. I just, I was like, hey, come here a sec. And I just like, I put my arm over her head, flip her over and just flip her in the water. I love it. She's like, you asshole. That's what life's about. She was cracking up. Good. Yeah. That's great. But then headlines, Sam Morrell abuses women, you know. That's where we're at now. That's what people do. But that's fun. Same day as they catch you peeing, it's in the paper in the same podcast as Rune's. Ah,

I think I did a decent job with beard drip here. You're hitting hard, right? These are great. I gotta slow down. Negronis are fucking... I'm old school with cocktails. What is Negroni? It's sweet vermouth, gin, and Campari. So it's one part of each, and it's...

The classic cocktails are the best. I mean, everyone's making these new cocktails. And look, cool, keep trying, whatever. But I always go back to like martini, Manhattan, Negroni. Old fashioned. Old fashioned. Yeah, like the classics. The classics are the best drinks. It's like genders. The classics. Yeah.

Those are the best. Paper plane is a new one that I love. That is a solid one. I love paper plane. A little sweet, but good. It's a little too sweet for me. But it's a cool one to dazzle someone with. Yes. A woman's like, I don't like whiskey. And you're like, check this shit out. Oh, the ladies love it. Did you get the paper plane guy? He's coming in. The inventor of the paper plane. No way. Yes. Yes.

No, that's not possible. It was invented in like 2007. Yeah. See? Oh, you're talking about... Not this. It's a drink. It's a cocktail. I didn't even know there was a paper plane. It's whiskey, Amaro, Aperol, and lemon juice. Do you get money for that? Like, do you get credit somehow? We should get credit for the paper plane because we... We put on the map.

We put it on the fucking map. The way Don Draper brought back the old fashioned, Mark and I blew the fucking paper plane up. Hell yeah. I don't mean to be talking out of school here, but all you motherfuckers know I'm right. Yeah. I get a million DMs. I added my first paper plane. I'm hooked, baby. And then they drive it off a cliff. We blew. Yeah.

And then they die of alcohol poisoning. But for a moment, for a fleeting moment, we feel good about ourselves. And no one can take that away. I shared the story. Boy, you got to be jealous, huh? Look at you drinking that salsa water like a cuck.

That's the worst. Nick, so your special's on YouTube right now. It's on the 800-pound gorilla YouTube page. I wonder when it tells us coming out. I hope it's not the same. No, it doesn't come out in five years. So your special, what's the name of it? Absolutely Wonderful. Nice. Absolutely Wonderful. You are really, truly, I mean, one of the best comics working. One of the great, great writers. There's two Negronis to get to that. Ah.

No, I think I opened with saying you're one of the best. No, I know. I love your comedy. Oh, thanks. I've always loved your comedy, and I think I remember the first time I met you, actually, which is I was working the door. Downstairs at Broadway? Working the door at Broadway. Wow. Amazing that you remember. And I remember I was reading the book called

a fan's notes and Nick said I've read that book many times and I was like that's a dark motherfucker because this is a dark book yeah that's a dark that's a dark book it's a brilliant book yeah but the fact that Nick was like I've read this multiple times no but dude no you were I would work at the door of Broadway and you were like one of the guys that I would look forward to seeing because a lot of comics sucked over there and then I'd get like a refreshment of Nick Griffin or someone like Al Lubell would go up and bomb Al Lubell

Too smart for the room. Oh, Al LaBelle, yeah. But I fucking loved his jokes. Loved LaBelle. I thought he had killer jokes, but it was too smart for the room. It was too quirky for the room. Yeah. But I loved watching him, but there would be a lot of hacks going up there. Oh, yeah. But then I'd see Nick pop in on the lineup, and I'd be like, thank God. Yes.

Yes. You know? That was nice. Oh, thanks. You, Vecchione. Vecchione was the king. And he was so cool, too. But I mean, yeah, we love Mike, obviously. But you were another dude that I was like, and you were nice to me as a young comic, which went such a long way. Yeah, that means a lot. Because we both, Mark and I would be like, man, Nick Griffin, like, that's a fucking, that's how you do a late night set. Yeah. Yeah.

We were all over you. I mean, I would watch you to go, oh, that's how you do it. If you haven't seen his Google Nick Griffin Letterman, there's 11 sets, and I shit you not, they're all killer. They're like, they're must-watch sets. I didn't know it was 11. That's crazy. That's so impressive. And there's one, do you remember, where he fixed your tie? Yes. Where he fixed your collar? My collar, yeah, it was hanging out. Yeah, that was really... Because, you know, he doesn't give you a lot after the show. No, no. He's not warm. But he...

He was real nice. You could tell he knew it was a big moment for you. Yes. So he was really present in that 15, 20 seconds that he was with you. I know it seems weird, but he really was. You could tell he was admired. But how meaningful was that for you to watch this guy and then be next to him on the Ed Sullivan stage? Crazy. I can't tell you how many times...

I came home half drunk and high, sitting in a chair, and everyone's upstairs asleep, and I'm watching Letterman just going, what is going on? This is insanity. The show was so different back then. Oh, yeah, he's throwing stuff off the roof, fucking with the bodega guy. Yeah, all that stuff was so great. Do you think you were attracted to the depression side of Letterman? Well, I'm sure the sad part of him was good, too, but also just the quirky, like he just

His monologue jokes weren't like Leno. They were just kind of quirky and weird. Yeah, and some would bomb and he would own it. Oh, yeah. All that stuff was great. And Paul was great. He kind of got Letterman, so he would do the music with his bombing. It was so fun. Yeah, and a lot of the bands that he liked I thought were really cool. Like Warren Zevon would come on. Yeah, Pearl Jam. Steve Earle. You ever see Warren Zevon on Larry Sanders? No.

That great episode where he's like, I'm not doing fucking Werewolves of London. I'm not doing it. And they're like, of course not. And then, of course, they go to the actual episode and he does a song that's newer. And then Larry goes, we got a little extra time. Would you do Werewolves of London? Okay.

That's what it is. Larry Sanders is such a great show. Such a great show. It just makes me so happy. So good. Everyone was so real. Man, that show just was awesome. That was definitely amazing. They nailed showbiz. They really did. The pettiness of it, the selfishness. And they got everyone to go in on it. All those people who just guest starred on it were so good, too. So good. And fucking Rip Torn. Sharon Stone was so good. Oh, my God. Torn.

Yeah. Another wreck. We talk about wrecks from this pod from our fucking Alison Brie app at Norman and Alison Brie wrecking Defending Your Life. Got me to watch that. Another Rip Torn classic. You never saw that? I'd never seen it until you guys were like raving about it. Brilliant movie. Defending Your Life? Yeah. Oh my God. Incredible. So innovative. So outside the box. Brilliant.

I remember that when they go back to the past lives and that kind of burly older man is watching one of his past lives and it's just a girl brushing this doll's hair. Yes, yes. So good. So good. Albert Brooks is a genius. Yeah, he's cool. But...

We'll get him on soon. I think if he was in New York, why not? I'm sure he would. Why can't he? I don't know. I mean, we make jokes about this, but like, we've been hit up by some fucking interesting people. Why the hell... Why not? I would love to have... I would be...

starstruck has dave been on a tell came on the on mark we did a bachelor party episode for mark which i did as a surprise for mark he's a tough guest and we and it was literally dealing with dave so i got like eight guests that episode we had like you know you did a great shane gillis joe derosa joe derosa sean patton godfrey a tell i got a ton of guests uh

Gary Veeder. And Attell shows up. It was booking Dave, nailing Dave down is tough. I was like, Dave, please. It's like a surprise bachelor party for Norman. It's going to mean, like, I know the look on his face when you walk through the door. It's going to be just disbelief. Yeah. Because he won't believe that you actually showed up to this. And he was like, I'll try. And it was like me nagging Dave. And he did show up. Yes, he did. And shit on all of us. Oh, well, we're all doing shots. And at one point, he stood up and walked.

around I go what are you doing Dave he goes I'm looking for punchline he was so bored because we weren't zinging and zanging every two seconds yeah he doesn't want to do it if it's not going to be jokes well we try and I mean hopefully when a special comes out it'll come back on we love Dave so much and uh

I mean, he's a huge influence on anyone in New York comedy. He's been influenced by Dave or Colin Quinn. Totally. His jokes to me are like Beatles songs where everyone has their favorite and you just can't believe how good it is. It's like plucked from the heavens. Everyone's song kind of sounds like it later. Ah, yes, yes. Your music sounds like them. The influence. Whether you know it or not. Yeah. Right. You hear a Weezer song and you're like, Beatles? Yeah.

Right? Yeah. I did a thing last night. Oasis, Beatles. And I go, I'm terrible at bed. You remember, to a lady, you know, it's just a fun goof. And I'm like, is that an Attell thing? It just feels so Attell that I'm like, I can't even tell if that's his or if it just sounds like him. Quick punchlines in a club sound like Dave. Yeah. Yeah.

He almost has copyrighted quick punchlines in a comedy club. That's how good he is. And so innovative. He'll be like, what are you drinking? A guy goes, cider. He goes, mmm, cider, the gateway to pottery. How did you think of that? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, it's like he found the perfect word for every example. Pottery is just so silly. Pottery. Come on.

Who thinks of pottery? We love Dave Attell. What about... Hit me, baby. This is an Attell joke about I like porn. You ever have your dad walk in on you when you're watching porn? You know what you don't want your dad to say when you're watching porn? Move over. My favorite Attell joke ever is...

I think this is one of the greatest jokes of all time where he goes, you remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman and then you grow up and you realize he's just a drunk who wears a cape? Yeah, that's a classic. That is like a layered philosophical brilliant joke in the form of a one-liner. It's like a Hemingway line or something. It's unbelievable. It's so crazy. I saw a great one the other night. He goes, you know, ladies, I think you like a vibrator because it sounds like it's listening. Mm.

I love him. Genius. Yeah. Genius. Savant level. But you saw him. Did you see him in the beginning when he sucked? Or did he never suck? No, I never saw him suck. I can't imagine. I don't think he ever did suck. I mean, he had some jokes he's probably not proud of like we all do. But I remember early on in maybe 91, he had a joke about being a waiter in a mental institution. Huh. Is that real? No. Oh.

Oh, okay. You never know. And what was the joke? It was something like you'd go to the table, the guy would be like, cheese sandwich? And he goes, you want a cheese sandwich? I am a cheese sandwich. Even his clean stuff was good. The mafia weather was...

That was a great joke. Oh, my God. Jihad? Yes. Oh, man. I still think of that joke. In the Middle East, it's a very sacred place. No one has sex, but they all smell like they just did. Jesus Christ.

He's gonna hate this. Oh, he won't. He'll hate it. He'll hate it. We literally just, we love it to hell, so what are you gonna do? The king. The king. I mean, I've told the joke before, and it's the last time I'll say it. I swear to God, internet.

He's on stage. All the comics ate shit. He goes up. There's these two Hispanic women in the front row, and they won't laugh at anything. Their arms are crossed. They're chewing gum. And he goes, oh, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again? I mean, that's amazing. Dude, another great hotel riff. I remember watching three people in glasses because in the cellar, you know, the bathroom is in the corner. So people all just walk out. You see it from the stage. Three dudes in glasses all come out at the same time. And he goes, what is that, a nerd portal? Yeah.

Killed. Wow, man. The quickness. The guy. He's the guy. He's Highlander. Oh, my God. The legend. Who are the guys that when you were coming up, you were like, I fucking love this guy? I don't know if you...

know it but like Ray Romano was an amazing joke and he was it was married jokes but it was it had edge and really cool stuff Colin Quinn uh Romano's such a cool I mean I love sweet guy we know CQ well and we love Colin but like I don't know Ray Romano as well but he's so freaking nice he was so nice to me he was another guy who was super nice to me I would do these late night sets at the cellar and he

he would drive me home to the East Village and just give me a ride home as he was heading to Queens and just kind of knew he was going to be a big deal. Um...

Oh, really? I can't think of anything. I can't think of anyone else that I... I mean, Attell was gigantic. You ever hear of Ronnie Shakes? No. Oh, he was a beast. But I know the name. Oh. Greg Carson says. Yeah, he did a couple of cars. I thought you would love him. Mark, I love that you're fucking... Mark is such a comedy nerd. I'll look that up. And I love that you... Because I remember watching Ronnie Shakes. Really? This dude's got... He's got the goods. Pull this up. We experienced life a little differently.

Give you an example. Last February, I had occasion to fall eight stories down an elevator shaft. I was happy to be alive, but I was ticked off. I missed my floor. Hold on, hold on. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. My big problem is I spend money with reckless... Last month, I put $5,000 on a reincarnation seminar. You're very Stephen Wright. You all live once. That's smart. My favorite joke of his is...

I figured I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to commit suicide.

And I thought, I'm going to walk out to the ocean and just end it. And I realized I wasn't 100% serious when I brought a towel. I love his joke about how he goes. How do you know of Ronnie Shakes? Well, we watch old YouTube sets. But I love his joke about how he goes, after five years, my therapist said something that brought a tear to my eye. He said, no hablo ingles. After five years. That's great. I mean, he had great shit. I mean, I think Mark and I were just, like, we bonded over what nerds we were when

We were open micers. And like, you know. Died jogging, you know. In Cleveland. Even worse than your story. Yeah. Full circle. But yeah, no, he was a great joke writer. Jeff Stilson was a great joke writer. I don't know his stuff as well. You don't know his stuff? Pull him up. Pull him up, Stilson. He's got maybe the best Jeffrey Dahmer joke I ever heard. What is it? I can't remember it exactly, but it was something about. I've heard the name, but I don't know his stuff.

Evening at the Improv, wow. We're getting nerdy now here. Oh my god, evening at the Improv.

Yeah, this is early, but he had a Dahmer joke about Jeffrey Dahmer drugged, ate. Can you look up Dahmer? Killed people and then had sex with their dead bodies. And he always wore a condom. He goes, isn't that unusual that the only message that got through to Jeffrey Dahmer was wear a condom? That's a funny angle. Wow.

Gives you hope, though. You see that last joke, the basketball joke, and you're like, all right, all right. Well, it's like a setup. It's also... But I get it. I got a million horrible jokes from my early days. It is kind of like inspiring in the sense...

that it's not that great and you go I could probably come up with something yeah yeah yeah but that's not the message you want to send with your comedy no no I don't want I don't want I want 14 year olds being like I could do that he was a Letterman writer he created the Osbournes or he was the oh I didn't know that wow that's a big paycheck right there

Yeah. Wow, Stillson. There you go. I love that your backdrop is Tom Waits. He used to write all these cynical jokes about not wanting to get married, and he has like four kids now, and he's married. And I remember going up to him at the Comedy and Magic Club, and I said, how'd you get married? I can't believe you got married. I go, I grew up...

you know getting information about how bad marriage was for me and he's like i found the right girl i just and i hated doing stand-up at the late show on friday night i just got it couldn't wow yeah he went into writing bill burr at like that's a very romantic way to propose to someone i hate doing comedy on fridays what do you say i'm done with late night let's get hitched

Yeah, yeah. Bill Burr had all these jokes about not getting married. Marriage is stupid. Is this the line to lose all my shit? That was his big joke. But he got married. It happens. I didn't get married. I still don't. No.

I had fun at your wedding, though. Nah, it was a good wedding. It's funny you have the Tom Waits thing there because I just saw a Tom Waits thing. It was like, man, he's got some words of wisdom. I mean, I love Tom Waits music, but you know what the crazy thing about Tom Waits is? His first album, he's like 24, and it's some of the most insane shit you've ever heard. I mean, he's really brilliant, I think. I mean, you're clearly a fan if you have his...

Bad job, David. Yeah, no, he's got some great quips on Letterman, by the way. Very funny. Some great stuff. Oh, my God, he has a couple great appearances on Letterman. He's killer on Letterman. So cool. Cool and got wisdom. Can we get Tom Waits on here? Oh, we wouldn't be able to interview him. Does he live in New York? He wouldn't be able to. No, he lives in Northern California. Ah.

He'd be a killer guest. Tom waits for no man. We also lost a legend here. Oh, wow. Oh, we did? Yeah, he died yesterday. I love Tony Bennett. Okay, sorry. He liberated Dachau.

What do you mean? Yeah, I saw that. He was in the army, and he was one of the first people in to be like, get the fuck out of here. I know, I saw that. It's insane. I didn't know that until he died, honestly. Wow, I'd have that on my t-shirt. That'd be my merch. Liberated DACA over here. And sang with Lady Gaga. I mean, two big things.

Wow. Wait, what were just, oh yeah. I love Tony Bennett, man. He was a fucking, he was a gangster and he did, you know what's cool about Tony Bennett? He did it till 95, dude. Yeah. Like, we talk about Rickles, Joan Rivers, Tony Bennett. They all did it till the end. And he did it well up until late. Exactly. Not just did it till the end, but they did it well till the end. So a fucking, a toast to the great Tony Bennett. TB. Oh, TB. Every time I go to SF, I can't not think of, I left my heart in San Francisco. Oh, yeah. Where's he from? I think,

He's gotta be.

Is he Italian or is he Jewish? I think it's Benedetto. I think he's Italian. Okay. But I'll let you know in one second. Okay. He's amazing. He's the crooner of all crooners. I love Tony Bennett. Wow. Nothing wrong with a good crooner. Love a crooner. He's the last of the crooners. Yeah. It's the end of an era, man. It is. Anthony Benedetto. There you go. Don't think that's a Jew. No. But it's funny how everybody back then would change their name to sound whiter. And I think now people are changing their name to sound less white.

Like a Tom Takar, who used to be Tom Brady. Well, there was other issues with that. That's true, but... He's from Long Island City. You know what his name was before Tom Brady? I didn't even know that was a city back then. Oh, shit. All right. You got spots tonight? Yeah, I have one until 1130. Hey! Well, Nick, the name is absolutely wonderful. It's Nick Griffin. It's on YouTube. I mean, truly, Mark and I talk about this guy...

It's hard to do it in front of him, but he really is one of the best comics. Oh, thanks. And we love him. Old and new stuff. All great. He's prolific. He has incredible word economy. Yes. The writing is so good. I remember watching... This is so fucking weird to say, but I remember watching your set with my grandpa before he died. Wow.

Dying of esophageal cancer. That's my audience. It killed him. No, but I'm watching with... It's me, my mom, and my grandpa. There's three generations and we're all laughing. And that's what I think is beautiful about Nick's comedy. That's rare.

And I get that with Matt Rife. Matt Rife's a good guy. We like Matt. Good egg. We're rooting for him. He's struggling. He's having a really hard time. I'll open for you. But Nick, you know, your shit is so good. Thanks, buddy. And if you're not watching, watch the Letterman sets. Yes. Watch his new special, Absolutely Wonderful. It's just like...

It's great for literally every generation because it's like... Yeah, it's relatable and it's just such concise, smart writing. And it's got emotion in it. You somehow pack a lot of emotion in these quick...

punchy jokes, which is hard to do. I really love his comedy. I know everyone watching is going to love his comedy, so I really hope you watch his new special and see him at SideSplitters July 27th through 29th at The Grove in St. Louis, Missouri, the Funny Bone, August 24th through 27th. Great. I love that club. Love it. Yeah.

And, you know, you could see him weekly at the Comedy Cellar. He's always around. And he's got other albums on, you know, Amazon, on Spotify, wherever you get your stuff. It's all killer. And you were sad before it was cool. Everybody's sad now. Everybody's depressed and on Prozac.

But you were doing it early. I was. I started that whole thing. Hell yeah. Me and Tom Waits. I got a special out now on the Big N streaming service. Soup to Nuts, check it out. And then I'm all over the road. Milwaukee, Des Moines, Los Angeles, San Diego. Are these all theaters you're playing? Now it is, yeah. Cincinnati, Springfield. You want to open? Yes. No.

We couldn't follow you. Then we're going to Europe. We're going to Lisbon and Norway and Denmark and Netherlands and Germany and all that London, whatever. Dublin, Scotland, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland, Providence, Cleveland. Going to get sober in Cleveland. Wow, Glasgow and then Hershey, PA follows the next week. That's lovely.

That's going to be a, that's, that's, I went from fucking Greece to Edmonton. There you go. You go, Emily Ratajkowski to Kathy Bates. You know, you got to mix it up. You know what? Kathy was great in misery and that's, and that's the state I'm in in some of these places. So we,

We got, what do I have coming up? We got, oh my God. So Providence, Northampton, Burlington, Albany, Calgary. What does that mean? Bethlehem, PA. Bethlehem, York, Toronto. That's a fucking big theater. So please come out. West Island. West Island.

The Chicago Theater is huge. Please come out to that. That's in September. We got Phoenix. Stand Up Live. I love that place. And we got... Moon Hall, PA? That's Pittsburgh. Don't be Munn Hall. Why the fuck are they right? Munn Hall. It's Pittsburgh. It's five minutes outside of Pittsburgh. Cleveland. Columbus. Cincinnati. Indianapolis. And the big one, MSG Theater. New York City. You better come out. And we just added fucking Australia. What?

Because of you, motherfucker. Oh, God. I hope it works out. So Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide. Go see this, Juch. Please. All these motherfuckers. You're going to see this.

You better come out. That's a pricey fucking round trip ticket. Big ticket. And I'm losing two days of my life for this shit each way. Yeah, yeah. I love you guys. I hope you come out. We love you. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. You can order it. That's me and Mark's shit. Yes. We're so close to New York. I can feel it. Yeah. I want it. We're getting in there, baby. And watch Nick Griffin's special. Absolutely wonderful on YouTube. Truly...

I say this again. Yes. Please watch it. I mean, he is... You won't be disappointed. A true comics comic. This is a dude that is deeply respected in the industry. Uh,

And the specials, I haven't seen it yet, but everything I've seen from his killer, I love following him at the cellar because he's putting good shit into the air. Yes, it's great comedy. It's great writing. Please watch. You won't be disappointed if you like stand-up comedy. It's good comedy. And we love you guys, and thank you for listening. Salamanca, you got anything? No, I'm just listening to Norm MacDonald.

Yeah. He was a good comedian. Where'd you get that shirt? Someone sold it to me on Instagram. They're like, they targeted ad. Like you must like Norm MacDonald. I do. Damn. Do they, do they also do a targeted ad? You must like cock. That's a Norm joke. All right. We love you guys. Thank you for listening. Take care. Yeah. All right, Nick. Yeah.