Ep 135: Greg Warren
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Hey, folks, we might be drunk. Here we are. A little snafu. Sam has aged and became a non-Jew. You got goyed. Half. Oh, you're a half? Yeah. Whoa!

It's the wrong half. All right. Well, is it dad? Dad's Jewish. They don't count that, man. They don't count it. I'm just as Jewish as you are to them. All right. Damn. Sorry. I like a little bit. Did you have to do the bar mitzvah and all that? No. Damn. I went to my cousin's. Okay. Yeah. Because you couldn't be more Gentile. You think so? I mean, Midwest, honky, wrestler, cauliflower ear, whatever.

Happy, you know, fun-loving, cool guy.

Yeah, you're a goy. Okay. But, you know, you got your St. Louis shit on. Yeah, yeah, man. You got to represent. We got Jews in St. Louis. Oh, you do? Yeah, not a lot, but there's a district, you know. The Jew area? Yeah. Yeah, I'm from New Orleans. We got just a tiny little sect, and it's like this beautiful neighborhood, and they have a beautiful school, and everybody wants to get in.

Same with St. Louis. It's nice. They're killing it, those Jews. They really do. It fucks up the whole minority argument because it's like we were marginalized and kicked out and oppressed, and here we are, killing it. Yeah. And that's why everybody hates them. I don't know if the Orthodox really...

They're not helping the cause. Yeah, that's... When I lived here was when I had the first interaction with the Orthodox Jews, and it was interesting. Yeah. I think my favorite thing was I was, like, walking in Brooklyn one time, and they were in the... What's the... Whatever they wear. Oh, yeah, like the black... The black, yeah, the suits and the... Yeah, there they are. Three of those guys, and they were playing basketball. What? Yeah, in this, like, park in Brooklyn, and...

And they sucked. Not a lot of dunking going on. Yeah, yeah, there was no dunk. It was the first time in my life. I'm terrible at basketball. It was the first time I was like, I could take these guys. Damn, did you have to help them shoot because it was Saturday? You had to throw the ball for them? I can't touch the ball. Yeah, my first interaction with Orthodox was here as well. I lived in Brooklyn in Crown Heights, which is a Jewish neighborhood. And...

I'd get drunk and come home at like four in the morning and they'd be driving around in minivans doing who knows what. And they would go, you're on the, you're on the wrong side. You get in the van. They thought I was Jewish. Really? I go, I'm not Jewish. And they would slide that door. Peel out of there. Yeah, that was, it was ugly over there.

Look at that. There they go. See how much fun that is, man? They're having a good time. They're all dressed the same, though. That would annoy me. You want to have a little bit of your own individuality. I bet you there's a flair of something, like a cufflink or something. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe like a Yankees yarmulke or something. Make it your own. A shoelace of some sort or, you know. Yeah, yeah. I'm not seeing it, but I bet you there's something. It was also fun, too, because my landlord was Jewish.

You guys sitting down? Landlord was Jewish. But he couldn't talk to my girlfriend at the time because they're not allowed to talk to strange women. Yeah. And so he'd come into my house because I was like, oh, the pipes burst. And he'd be like, okay. It's funny seeing an Orthodox guy with a tool belt, first of all. And he would come in and she'd be like, yeah, it's the one. And he's like, no, no, no. And I was like, that's pretty good. So I started doing it to her. So I would come home the next day and she's like,

You didn't answer my... Women, women. She hated it. But we had a good time. I had the same... Like, when I lived down in the Lower East Side, my neighbors were Muslim, you know? Yeah. And Muslim women are not supposed to make eye contact with unfamiliar men. Oh, really? Yeah, so we would pass in the hallway and she wouldn't look at me. But, I mean, you know, like, she...

She really wouldn't look at me like she. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like she she gave it a little bit. I think it was her way of saying, hey, even if I wasn't Muslim. You still have no chance. Yeah. Damn, that sucks is all they have is the eyes. Right. I mean, she had a burka on, I assume. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there's nowhere else to look.

I think I saw maybe more than I should have. Oh, really? Like nothing, you know. Like a hair wisp? Yeah, I think I saw at some point. Because, you know, you live in the same neighborhood. There's going to be, everybody has a bad day. Sure, sure. Well, they must, you guys can relate on the bombing. All right. But. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, wait a minute. I think that was like they bomb. You stand up bomb. And I stand up bomb. Sorry, I was slow on that. That was a bomb. Yeah, man. No, I bombed plenty when I was living here. Yeah, we all did. Yeah. But yeah, the Muslim thing, that's tough. You know, you can't. I think there must be some fantasy. Like you're this cracker coming through the hallway and it's so forbidden that she must want to go down on you. Man, I got to tell you, I didn't pick up.

on any fantasy. Okay. Yeah, it was quite the opposite. All right. I mean, yeah, I don't think there was that going on. Oh, okay. I'd like to believe that now. Yeah, maybe I'm projecting because I've thought it about them. And there's porn. There's Muslim porn with these women and they'll take their burqa off and start blowing a bunch of dudes. What? Oh, it's hot. But I think they're banned from their country now.

Are they actors? Well, they're porn actors. But I mean, are they real Muslim women? Well, they're Middle Eastern, but I don't know if they're actually Muslim. Probably not. But the Muslim, you know, empire, what do you call it? President? I think that's it. They hate it. Yeah. What do you call it? I can imagine. The Shah? Yeah.

Shah is Persian? Imam Imam? Imam Yeah Imam The religious leaders like priests or whatever Okay They don't like it They don't like the porn I would say most of them Yeah Yeah Don't care for it I don't think they care for the gays either

No. They have a penalty for homosexuality in Afghanistan where they push a wall on you. What? A giant wall on you. And if you survive, you can continue to live. But if you die, you die. Wait a minute. The punishment for homosexuality, they take a wall. Straight up wall. Just a wall like this, a brick wall, and they push it on you. It's brick though. Oh no, it's cinder block.

Whoa! Wow. Can I do my act in front of it? I'm used to being by brick walls. Yeah. Wow. Smooshing a wall. Wow. What is that going to do? If he survives, he's still gay. It's a horrible... I don't think so, man. You think it pushes it out of you? Yeah. I think it's... Yeah.

Damn. Not outwardly, I would say. And look, we have conversion therapy here, which is obviously crazy, but it ain't no wall. We're doing better. We're progressive. Yeah, yeah. Walls don't work. Oh, tell that to China.

Great wall. Big wall there. Big wall. Great wall. I wonder if they got shit for building that wall. You know, people are like, this fucking president. He's a racist. He's building walls. Were they keeping any, I'm sure, was it the Mongols or something they were keeping out? Yeah. That was their Mexicans. Also, apparently it's built without any right angles. If you notice, it's wavy like this. Because spirits can pass through right angle walls, but they can't pass through a wall like this. Ah, that's convenient. Wow. Well,

What asshole came up with that? You know, he's like, now we got to curve the wall because of your dumb ideology. Yeah, can you think of the brick layers that we're dealing with? Oh, my God. Have you been to the wall? The Great Wall? No. I've been to the gay thing, but... I forgot you went there on spring break. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, no, they put me in front of it. Do you think they call the wall the grinder? All right. Sorry. But...

I've been to the Great Wall in China and it's fucking amazing. It's like, it's incredible they built it that big back then. Just guys putting stones. No machinery, no bobcat, no bulldoze. Just hand-on-hand action. Insane.

And you can see it from outer space? Is that true or is that a thing? I think that's true. Or is that an old man? I think I've seen both sides of that where it's like it's true. And then I was like, yeah, you really can't. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. False here. Oh, shit. There it is. There it is. I walked on that. You. Uh oh. Here we go. Mythbusters coming at you. The Great Wall of China is not visible to the eye. Oh.

Man, those jerks ruined a lot of fun, didn't they? They really did. Those Mythbusters. Damn. Pop Rocks and Soda won't kill you, apparently.

Okay. Hey, man. Hey, there we go. You've been replaced by the Gentile. No, I mean, you guys can switch and swap. Switch and swap. There we go. Good to see you. Hey, all right. Yeah, I really picked the wrong shirt to come in a cranky mood today. This is the wrong shirt to have a meltdown in on the subway.

It wouldn't move. Mark has a subway story from today as well. Oh, the train just wouldn't move. I was stuck for a while. You know I'm never late. I'm usually like 15 early. Punctuality is important to me. Was it the A? It was the A. Or the C? Or the N? Oh, interesting. Okay. What happened to you? I was on the C, and a guy had a knife, and the cops were like, put it down, put it down. So I jumped on the A.

Damn, that really pisses me. He took all my thunder. No, no. I came in at a moon. He has got a better story. Tell your little subway story. Was there a knife? Was there a knife? Well, there we were. Sitting there. We weren't moving at all. No, that's crazy. A knife? Yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't that crazy because the cops were terrified. They had hands on the guns, but the guy goes, just take it. Take the knife. And he just dropped it. Were there any Marines on board? No.

Too soon, too soon. I liked it. All right. Do we have a bartender today? No, what would you like? I need something after that 15 minutes of waiting. Get the man a bodega and soda.

I'll do something. Dude, by the way, the special's amazing. Oh, thanks, man. You're such a great comic. Watch Greg Bourne's new special. It's our second Nate Land produced special. Oh, yeah, with Mike in here? Yeah, Mike's was so good, man. So good. I loved it.

I watched it when they premiered it. It was so great. So many just good. It's just so tight. It's special. Oh, thanks, buddy. Thanks. I really appreciate you watching it, man. Thanks. It's so good. And also, Freddie DeMarco is a dude. Oh, yeah, man. That's so cool. Here's a story about a guy, Freddie DeMarco, who I met in Missouri. Oh, weird. Took me to a Mizzou game. Yeah, this goes way back. Because Sam, I think it was like early.

early in your career yeah and you were like hey man i'm doing conan and i really don't have any clubs to go i want to promote a club and i just i know i'm real close to that club yeah so i called them and i was like hey get get sam and they were like yeah yeah you know they knew who you were they were like yeah yeah so sam goes there and he calls me he's like is there anything i should do when i'm in a college town i'm like well have you ever been to a

football game like a big college and he's like no so Freddy's this guy that used to own the club and he took Sam to a he's a character man hell yeah character Italian guy like that lives in the middle of Missouri and started hey Craig what are you doing man yeah

You're busting my boy. He loves Sam, too, man. We had fun. He's a great guy. He knew exactly. I was like, hey, this guy Sam. I know that guy, man. He's real funny, man. He's real dark, man. But I love this kid, man. Yeah, tell him I'll take him to a game, man. Hell yeah. Yeah. The stories in the special are so good, man. It's just like out of the gate. I love when in the first minute and a half, it's just like bam, bam, bam. Yeah. Yeah.

Is your White Knight, that's not St. Louis, is it? That was Cleveland. Cleveland. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, St. Louis is a wild town, man. First of all, that funny bone there is bananas. Well, there used to be the other one, too, next to the bird in the gun store.

Oh, that... I never even... Yeah, Valley Park. That was like my whole time in New York, so I never worked it. Barely ever went there. Now there's another one, but it's in a different area. It's kind of nice. Oh. Those are like classic. Classic. Can you still smoke cigarettes in that room? No. I mean, the staff does, but I think... I think they just cut it off like three years ago. But yeah, they were the last. They were the last to do it, so you can't, but...

Yeah, it's a throwback, man. It's just, you know, it's... I mean, those people are like my family that run that club. The guy in the wheelchair at the door. Whatever his... Dan was a ball buster. That guy, he's got so many of those things where you think I'm doing a bit... You know, like, just for example, like, somebody called the comedy club one day and they want to know if the comedian was blue. And Dan said...

The headliner is African-American and the feature act is white. I know that sounds like I'm making a bit up, but I'm not. But he was serious. He was completely. And he's worked at a comedy club for 15 years. And he didn't know the terminology blue.

Then they had that waitress there, the blonde lady. She was older. Patty. She had the Bob hairdo, and she's counting money. She's like my sister, man. She was so cool, and I'm drinking. You know, just the clubs go over. They're counting money. She's smoking, and she's like, I saw Seinfeld in 88. He sucked then, and he sucks now. All right.

Patty, Patty, I mean, this woman is like my sister, man. I've known her forever, but she kind of judges a comic by how much she rang and

And that's it. Oh, got it. I'm not so sure. She's funny, too. She's very funny. But she listens to jokes. But, I mean, she's heavily influenced by, like, yeah, yeah, that was Bill Hicks. We didn't ring very good. It's so funny. I was just talking to our buddy Ron on about, like, how well Bill Hicks' shit holds up. Oh, yeah. Like, it's, like, better than ever. It's kind of crazy. Like, some of Carlin, I love George Carlin. Some of Carlin's stuff is...

It's either amazing or it's just like kind of weird. Yeah. Like Hicks is kind of like all even the shit where he's just bombing that flying saucer tour. Oh, yeah. He's just bombing with his heady material. Yeah. In like Alabama. I know. It's kind of amazing. I saw him live one time in a club, man. Where? In Houston, where he's from. Oh, the laugh stop? Yeah. No, someone, you're not drinking with me? I'll have

Drake, we're doing a couple. Sorry, man. All right, Mark. I'll do one, but Salak is famous for his horrific cocktail. Well, these are bottled drinks, thankfully. All right. Thanks, Skipper.

You got to put more ice in that, Gilligan. What are you doing to me? Yeah, what the hell? Come on. Jesus Christ. Hey, Cosby, how about just a ton of ice and a little bit of bourbon? Really? Okay, have a give me some bodega cat. What's that? Here's our whiskey. Oh, it's yours? Yeah, Mark and I made a whiskey. We got a little fuzz on you. I got you. Yeah. What are we seeing? Hicks. Oh, yeah, Hicks, man. What year was this? This was probably 90.

Oh, wow. And I was doing an open mic in Houston. They sent me down there to... That's special. To sell potato chips and peanut butter. It was my first job. Oh, wow. Houston, Texas. And I was doing...

I went to do open mics and it was Ralphie May was doing open mics at the time. Wow. And I didn't know anything about comedy. You're the only survivor from this show. Yeah, exactly. Man, now that I think of it, there's a lot of guys. Robert Schimmel was there. Patrice O'Neill, Greg Giraldo.

So I'm like, Jordan Neely. When I was growing up, I didn't know much standup. I just didn't. I was real into like movies and Saturday Night Live. Yeah. Who was like your SNL people that you loved? Belushi. Yeah. And I mean, Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy was the first standup that I really heard and was like, oh my God.

God, that's insane. He changed the game. But I was there, and so I didn't know who was who. And Ralphie was like, hey, this guy. We were at open mic, and Ralphie's like, this guy's in town this weekend. He's from here. He's a legend. You got to go see him. So me and my buddy, Monty Kilburn, just went and watched him. And I sat in the back. And it's still one of the funniest shows I've ever seen, man. And it was not...

It's funny because Hicks, the way all his albums are, it's very political and very slanted. But silly still. That's what I love about it. He was all silly in that show. All. Man, he told this bit about...

I can't I can't like like asking him he talked about his dad a lot he told us a bit about you know asking about some guys who whenever he asked somebody about how they're doing they're dead I can't remember what he's like hey how's your dad he's like oh man like yeah but it was it was so great and he came out to music which I'd never seen before it's like this really cool like alt rock song and I was this is this guy is a badass wow yeah he how'd he ring that weekend huh how'd he ring

No, Patty said he's not good, you know? Was it a big venue you saw him in? No, it was a laugh stop, man, which was before you guys' time. But, you know, 250-seat club. I think he was, yeah, yeah, man. Jesus.

And go and watch Greg's special right after watching this. It really is killer. Killer. That peanut butter bit about the oil on top. Oh, my God. How has no one done that fucking bit? I've hated that my whole life. I'll tell you how they haven't, Sam. They didn't sell peanut butter for 10 years, man. I don't know.

I paid for that bit. But we've all seen the liquid on top and we're like, what the fuck? Yes, and hated it. You didn't live it, though, man. I had to go against those guys, man. But wait a minute. I eat peanut butter every day. I'm hooked on peanut butter. Yeah. I love peanut butter. What kind do you do? I just do the shit. I do Jif and Skippy. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you just say Jif? Well, I didn't want you guys to judge me with some organic horse shit. I do the, you know, the kid. Jif is, it's a great peanut butter, man. Choosy moms. Yeah, there you go. It's not. It's a superior. It's got a little molasses in there. It's my go-to. No, it's my, I mean, you shit on Chunky. Chunky is my favorite. I did not shit on Chunky. But you said that they're over, the Creamy's better. I think that I've always felt that there was. I'm a Creamy man myself. You're Creamy too? I'm Creamy all day. I don't want crunch. Well, Creamy's four to one, guys. Yeah.

Is it? I mean, these are 2001 numbers, so I would imagine. He's got the books. I imagine it still holds up. That was one of the first. You know when you're young and you have the jokes that you repeat? Remember Snaps? Those books of insults? I remember the one where you say to a kid in school, you'd be in first or second grade, you'd be like, dude, your mom's legs are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread. That was a big one. That's a great joke. My moms are like, they're crunchy. Ha ha.

I think I got most of mine from Fat Albert. Oh, yeah. You're like school in the summertime. No class. Yeah, man. Hey, when your mom's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom's so dumb, when I said, it's chilly outside, she got a bowl. She's so fat, when she put on high heels, she struck oil. Yeah, yeah.

You know what was a classic? Your mom's so old, she doesn't have milk in her tit. She's got sour cream. Oh, I never heard of that one. That was a good one. Damn. Snaps. Yeah. Your mom's so fat, she uses the equator as a belt. When I was a kid, that's what I thought adults did. They stood around. They're like, come here.

Gatherer. Yeah, yeah. Poker table, cigars. What a disappointment, man. Let me tell you something about your mom. Your mom's old. When God said, let there be light, she flipped the switch. All right.

I know them all. I remember that classic scene in Nutty Professor, speaking to Eddie Murphy. They're just doing that back and forth. And the whole Chappelle, like, should I get him? Should I really get him? He stole that. And the scene where he's egging him on, Eddie Murphy's like, you the man, Reggie. That movie is so fun. Yeah, man. Women be shopping. That's where women be shopping comes from. Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Women be. Oh, yeah.

Can you imagine being a young Dave Chappelle, killing that heart in front of Eddie Murphy? Imagine being that funny in front of this huge legend. By the way, Jada Pinkett sitting right next to him, her man's being insulted. She doesn't do shit. Oh, she had hair. That's her. What? Can we play this, Matt? This is so, man, young Chappelle. What the? That is cool.

Look at the energy. She slapped him.

It's just fucked up when you realize Chappelle is a better high energy comic than most comics are at a better low energy comic. All I'm thinking about is all the clips he's getting. You think it was like one guy Dave was channeling when he did this? Oh yeah. There's a couple BET guys in here. What's the possible direction here for Chappelle? Look at the dance. I think they just let him go. Excuse me, I'm moving this. Oh no. He's gonna get him.

That was kind of smart. God, Eddie Murphy's good. Yeah, that's a good one there. Ha ha!

You know what the crazy thing about that movie is that Eddie Murphy plays like seven different characters and they all have depth. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the mom is like a real human. The dad is like, they're all real people. It's a grandmother. The Coming to America characters were pretty good too, man. The barbershop, the Jewish guy. He also played the singer in that church thing. Amazing. That was Arsenio, I think. Was that Arsenio? I think that was Arsenio. I think that was Murphy.

I don't think so. The What's Going Down episode of That's My Mama guy? Yeah, with Jerry Curl. Yeah, that guy. Sexual chocolate. That's Eddie Murphy. No, that's... I think that's Eddie. That's got to be Eddie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Well, he's also got a good voice. Yeah. I mean, he's got that hit song. Oh, man. That album. Quincy Jones just made him an album. I guess you just couldn't say no to Eddie Murphy in the 80s. No, no. He's like, just make me an album. He's like, fine. Well, there was Put It In The Butt.

Put a bone in your butt. I put a microphone in your butt. I put me in your butt. I put a bumblebee. So there's that one. But then My Girl Likes to Party All the Time is like a hit. Really? My Girl Likes to Party All the Time. Are we allowed to play any of this, Peters? You got to go quick. I bet you My Girl Likes to Party All the Time charted top. I don't know the song at all. It was easily top five. Really? You know it. Is that Rick James?

I guess he was robbed of an Oscar for Dreamgirls. He should have won for that. Yeah, he was pissed about that, too. He was amazing in that. Yeah, but you can't just expect awards if you're a comedian. Well, they gave Rodney a record, too. Don't forget. Oh, my God. Rapping Rodney? I think it's up here somewhere. Rapping Rodney? Oh, it's over there. Yeah, there it is. We've got to get Hedberg. Oh, there he is. He's on the wall. Oh, man. Rapping Rodney. He's already funny.

Death, where is my sting? Death, where is my sting? As a kid, you're laughing at this, but he's like, I hope I die. Yeah, yeah, right. That's crazy. But I found this shit hilarious. Did you say you got Hedberg on the wall? Yeah, there he is on our death wall here. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. You're next. Yeah. It's not that long. No, I'm joking. I, uh...

I did. I got to work with him early on. Oh. Open forum like three or four times. How was that? It was great, man. He was so cool. Dude, and that guy loved comics. And he tipped me one time as a feature. Like Lynn, his wife, at the end of the week was like, she was like, hey, Mitch, why don't you have this? It was like $100 when you're a feature act, man. It's huge. You know. Yeah.

I saw him. What else? You know, it's a big deal when a guy who's got a debilitating drug problem is giving out money. Oh, man. He was like, that's a good dude. I mean, he was he was got this story. I feel like this isn't my story to tell when I'm telling him. Yeah, this is not my story, man. This is Henry Phillips told me this story. Oh, he's funny.

He said back towards the end, Mitch was like, and Mitch and Lynn were living off the grid. And Mitch was huge. And he was making a bunch of cash. He was sweet every time I saw him. He was just generous and nice. Was he in a van, a trailer? No, I think they just, I don't know that. I mean, they just stayed in hotels. Oh, I see. They were just going hotel to hotel. He lived in a Chelsea hotel for a while. What? I stayed there one time, man. What? I stayed in his room. What?

I was like still selling peanut butter in Houston and he was friends with my buddy Brian Hersey who's a comic uh and him and Hersey were tight and uh we came up to New York and Mitch was on the road and uh we just came to see what New York was like and uh

we stayed in his place and I remember like he had like a calendar there and he had like Letterman on there like he wrote Letterman it was so cool to see that's incredible so yeah we stayed at Mitch's in the Chelsea Hotel and uh we didn't know like we didn't know anything about comedy you know we just we just both like open micers or whatever and we came and we and when you say stayed did you just have a huge room or something it was like a like a hotel like one guy slept on the bed I slept on the floor or something um

but it was, you know, we just came to, it was my first time in New York, I think as an adult. And, uh,

And then we went to the comic strip and Atel was there. And we had met Atel before because he worked at a laugh stop down there. And Atel was like... We just sort of sit in the bar and Atel's like, Hey, why don't you guys go pick yourselves a spot out? You know? Like just making fun of us like we had no idea. So anyways, so Mitch is living off the grid kind of and just has cash. He didn't have credit cards back then. He just... And he had a lot of cash. Mitch was making huge money back then. Huge money. And so they go to this hotel and...

The guy goes, I need a credit card. And Mitch goes, I don't have a credit card. And the guy's like, well, I need a credit card. And Mitch pulls out a giant thing of cash. He's like, no, man. Here, this is a cover. Cover it times 10. The guy's like, I still need a credit card. And Mitch goes, this is how Mitch's mind works. He goes, hey, man. No, man, this is what...

The credit card represents. Check this out. He goes, that would be like if you hired a Frank Sinatra impersonator and Frank Sinatra showed up and you were like, no, man, we hired the impersonator. Which is like, is that the greatest? That wasn't even his act.

Right. That's just the way his mind works, man. I was like, that bit is better than anything I've thought of. He's like, give me a receipt and file it under D for donut. D for donut. Wow. File it under D. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah. Damn, that is, that's a bit. That's amazing. Oh, it's a great bit, man. It's like everything that I would want. Yeah, and it's so him, too. I always think Hedberg would have been so good at Twitter. Oh.

Because you would have read everything in his voice and it would have been like perfect. Yeah. He is Twitter. Yeah, that's his whole act.

Yeah. I'm hungry for rice. What do you want? 10,000 or something or whatever. That's a perfect tweet. My favorite one was always the one where he goes, I like to, I sit around and I think of stuff that's funny or if it's, if a pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I think is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great show. Or what's the other, you can't please all the people all the time, but, and last night all those people were at my show. That's like fucking perfect. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He said something one time. He's like, uh,

You know, I always like if you want to buy something after. If you want to talk to me after the show...

I would be shocked. Damn. He had a million of them. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I mean, that's like brilliant. I think my favorite was the guy that he was playing his music really loud. His neighbor started beating on the wall. And Mitch goes, go around. I cannot open the wall. Do you know who the guy in that story is? No. Nick DiPaolo. No.

way really they were living in LA that makes it even more amazing this neighbor's that angry them together is like a sitcom oh yeah man I would watch every episode of that sitcom

You told me a story. I don't know. You told me the Ron White story. Oh, yeah. Another one that's not my story, but yeah. But it's like the most insane story. Oh, I got to hear it. This is like comics on the road. People don't know that we stay in like comedy condos. Yeah. But this is, I mean, Ron is a legend. Ron is another guy that is insanely cool. So nice. He was, God, I remember one time.

When I was living in L.A., I had a showcase at the Hollywood Improv. It was just never a good crowd. It was always industry there. I bombed a week ago. Did you really? Yeah, I was like... They threw me on. They were nice enough to even throw me on. The woman who books the Rita is the coolest. Oh, she's so nice. Yeah, and they threw me on. I went on first. The host kind of ate it, and then I was kind of like, well, I guess I'm hosting. Went up, and yeah, it just was work. I...

It wasn't like a hard bomb, but it wasn't pretty. Yeah. It's a real epidemic with these bad hosts. That's a problem. I blame them too. Well, they're putting the worst comic as host because I don't think people want to host. So then as the first guy, you eat your own lunch up there. There's good hosts in New York. But yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I got to be honest. I didn't always like following those guys either, man. That's a whole different bag of hammers. Yeah. Yeah. Like Artie at the cellar just killing. And I'd be like, oh, no.

man. Right. So much energy. Different energy. Yeah, yeah. All right, sorry, Ron White. Oh, Ron White. Yeah, so Ron, yeah, just, I was doing some showcase and Ron was big at the time, man. Oh, yeah. I met him doing something in, oh, we did The Road together and he like went and sat like in the show and laughed at every one of my dumb jokes. Ah.

You know, when you're like, I was like insecure and like, I got to impress the industry. I got to get this TV show or whatever I was trying to get. And Ron was just there just like, eh, you know. But yeah, the story is, I think this was in Columbus and it was at a condo.

and it was like Ron and some guy that was real green on the road. This guy, real, real green act, but kind of straight arrow type of guy. And the headliner was African American. So the, so Ron, this kid has like some orange juice. Okay. And he, uh, he puts it in the refrigerator and Ron, uh,

And Ron goes out and does, you know, I don't, I never done drugs, man. I don't even know what, like, but Ron, Ron goes out and he brings back a bunch of acid. Oh, wow. And he puts it in the orange juice. And the kid wakes up the next morning and he drinks like half the pitcher of orange juice. And Ron stumbles out and see, and he goes, buddy, you just did about 40.

Five hits of acid. Oh, shit. And this kid freaks out. He's like, no, no, man. I don't do drugs, man. I don't do drugs. What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Ron grabs a pitcher, drinks the rest, and goes, I don't know, buddy, but I'm going to be right there with you. And that kid was Ari Shaffir. Wow. You have to get on Revenge at everyone. Yeah. Yeah.

uh that is uh that is a crazy story that's what's so great about ron is because you think these blue collar comedy tour jeff fox were they billing well they're all kind of these clean cut guy but ron's an animal we've had booze bags cigar smoking and drug yeah yeah always when i was when i was in the condo with him man it was just he was either eating chicken wings or drinking or you know or high or doing something and i remember this was when he was

just about to break like he had done blue collar yeah they filmed it but it wasn't out yet but he knew it was gonna pop he knew something he knew he was on to something i love it so we're we're in tulsa at the tulsa comedy club and it's like one of my first weeks on the road and the place is trashed it's just trashed man and i'm like ron doesn't care you know but i'm like man i have to come back here like yeah this is gonna come back on me so i'm cleaning up all this stuff and i see ron's check

balled up in the corner. He just forgot his check and it was like he forgot it. Jesus Christ. I still remember it was for like $2,500. Ron was working at a club for $2,500 and I remember he had given me his...

his number and I was like, Hey, Hey man, you left your checks. Like, yeah, buddy, you don't have to send that to me. But, uh, damn, these comics are so unorganized, you know, be included. You're like, Norm couldn't drive. Nobody knows how to drive. That's pathetic. Who can't drive? Well, at least you're in a city with transportation. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. But you know, Nate can barely read. Everybody's got, uh,

We all got issues. I can barely book a flight, you know.

We're all over the place. You gave yourself the nicest one there, though. Well, I had to throw myself in there. Joe's got herpes. Betting yourself down everybody's level. I can't book a flight. Joe has herpes. A friend of ours has AIDS. Greg's homophobic. So what you said about Ron laughing at your set, it's so interesting because that shit goes such a long way when you're a young comic. I remember doing a festival in Jamestown, New York, and...

I was in like the Copacabana room. It's the Lucy Fest and Regan comes in, Brian Regan. And I just, and I'm like, in my head, I'm like, fuck Brian Regan. I see him in the corner of my eyes. I'm just like, look away. And I, and I kind of peeked back. He's laughing. I'm like, holy, that moment as a young comic, you're like huge. Holy shit. You'll never forget that, man. Totally. That guy's another Prince of a guy that we were supposed to have him on here a couple of times, but just travel shit didn't work out. But fun Regan. This is how nice Regan is.

Somebody dropped out. His opener dropped out. So his agent calls me and they're like, Hey, I heard about you. We need an opener tomorrow. ASAP will fly you out. Can you work clean? I was like, yeah. He goes, can you be clean though? And I was like, Hey, I can be clean. He goes, send me a clean tape. So I sent him a tonight show tape. This is years ago. And,

And he calls me back. He's like, are you fucking kidding me? I said clean. You're talking about gay people. I'm like, it's clean, though. He's my roommate. He was gay. He's like, you're talking about this. You use innuendo. And I'm like, okay. The guy kind of went hard on me. Oh, really? I was like, jeez. And he hung up. The gay guy in the bed. Yeah. And I was like, Jesus Christ. All right. Lost that gig. Tried to send him a clean tape. Whatever. Two days later, Regan calls me and goes, Regan.

hey, I just talked to my agent. I heard what he did. I watched the tape. It was hilarious. Fuck that guy. Don't listen to him. Hope to meet you one day or whatever. And I was like, oh my God. He didn't have to do that, but he called me just because he knew his agent was a cunt. Now, he's a great guy. Minch. Yeah, I can't wait to get him on because he drinks. He drank Bodega Cat with me in Irvine. Yeah, he's fun. He came to the show at Irvine and he was like one of the first comics to drink it. So I was like, this is pretty cool. Oh yeah, I'll put him back. I, uh...

One time, it was a special that came out, and as an idiot, I was reading the comments, you know, and somebody's like, this is a Brian Regan bit. And I just went white with fear. I'm like, oh, no. Yeah, of course. Oh, no. And so I don't know him that well. I know his brother really well. Well, he sold peanut butter for years. He did not.

you know what he's got a bit about peanut butter and jelly the goober oh that's a great i stayed away from that yeah i always get people because i'm doing 20 minutes on peanut butter like what about goobers i'm like i can't talk about it don't do goobers it's brian this is a very funny comic dennis dennis is great so i i'm freaking out that i stole one of brian regan's bits and uh i get his email and i send him an email and uh he calls me he just calls me i was at lunch with some comics and he calls me and i'm like oh he goes uh he goes where are you right now i go uh

I go, I'm at lunch in St. Louis. He's like, man, I thought you'd be in San Quentin with the, you know, how much of a thief you are. And he goes, he goes, dude, I don't have any material, anything remotely like that. You're fine. Like, like, what a guy. Yeah.

I always get nervous. For some reason, Nick Griffin is always one of the first guys I text. Me too. Because he does so many short relationship jokes. But he's always, yeah. Nick has so many great, great jokes. Yeah, and some of them are so effortless, but there's a lot of effort in it. Yeah, well, they seem effortless.

Yeah, they seem effortless. So you think it's like something you could just through osmosis. Dennis has got a bit where he says it's one of my favorite things. He like did it in the green room in Dallas one time. He goes, yeah, man, I was at this party with my wife. She drug me too. And she goes, this guy was there, man. He's one of those guys. I didn't like him. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. People either love me or they hate me. And he goes, yeah.

I bet it's not 50-50. Those quick jokes. I mean, Nick has so many of those, too. Nick has one where he goes, my wife and I, we got divorced. We were supposed to be together until... We were together two years. We were supposed to be together until death. I never even got a cold. That's a great fucking joke. He's got a million of them. With Brad Pitt. That's what I was thinking. He's like...

Go watch any Nick Griffin Letterman set or anything. He's got a new special coming out, so we've got to get him on there. All bangers. Letterman sets are a lesson in how to do a late night set, man. Totally. I wonder if young comics even think about that shit anymore. Do you think they even...

And they probably shouldn't. Yeah. But you know, but those are clips, right? I mean, those are, you're getting clips, but, uh, it's five minutes of clips. Yeah. But Nick Griffin Letterman sets are like, to me, a masterclass. Easily. So good. So relatable, clean, but you don't notice it's clean. You're clean. Yeah. So, but there's a bite and there's like, yes,

Yeah, I hope so. Same with a guy like Ryan Hamilton. He's clean, but there's an edge to him. I was watching him last night. There's an edge to what he's saying. He's great. I was listening to your guys' podcast. Hamilton can dance? Oh my God. Twinkle toes. He's good. He cuts a rug out there. I've seen him at weddings. The floor opens up for him. Really? Everybody backs out. Oh shit, he's going. He whips the jacket off.

He's doing all this shit. Really? Oh, my God. I saw Stone and his wife at List's wedding. He was doing pretty good. I think Hamilton was dancing at that wedding. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's where I saw it. It's funny you talk about that blue-collar comedy tour thing because Norman sends me a thing this weekend. I'm on the road, and Norman sends me a thing, and it was of me, List, and Mark. We tried to sell a special years ago. To Quibi? Yeah.

Oh my God. Was that who? That was, no, we didn't, we got an offer from Quibi. Okay. That was the only place we got an offer was Quibi. Really? The failed. God, can you think how much, how big that special would be right now? Well, I,

I mean, it just, I think there was some inspiration from the blue collar tour where like, these are a bunch of dudes. I think the difference is they were so different and Mark, Joe and I were just joke guys. So our theme was like, it was just called jokes, jokes, jokes. And it was us just doing 20 minutes each, like bang, bang, bang. We shot a trailer and everything. I forgot we did this. Oh yeah. We'll play it. We'll play the trailer on a future episode for you guys. It's pretty, it's pretty good. Patreon. Yeah. It's a good one. Uh,

But it's crazy to look at it. Like, holy shit, we were trying to sell it together. Yeah. And we just like... And nobody would touch us. I remember at the time, I knew Sandler a little bit and I asked him if he would help. Oh, that's right. And he did. And Netflix was still like, no. And they still said no. They said no to Sandler? Well, we were no... I mean, they said no to us, not to Sandler. He was being... He's the nicest dude in the world. Really? Yeah, he really is. And he was trying to help us. But, you know, I think it was just...

for them at the time made no sense. Yeah, it's three whitey. You know, we weren't, we had no juice. It wasn't a very appealing for the industry. But it was like, it was a funny thing to look back. I was like, man, it's like fun. Even when you don't sell shit, it is kind of fun to make shit together. Yeah. I got all these like sketches that me and Henry Phillips and, uh,

Oh, put them up. Chad Daniels. Wow. Nikki Glaser. Nikki was like a kid. Wow. She was in college. Still drinking? Yeah. Yeah, she was back then. I mean, they were... Man, some of the... Henry's a really good actor. All those guys. Great actor. Great comic. Jamie Lyssa was in it. Wow.

Yeah, it's pretty good stuff. St. Louis is a crazy alumni. Is Liso from St. Louis? No, I just, it was... But it's like you, Nicky, Tommy John again. Me and Nicky John again, yeah. But I had just like... Is Nick Vatterot from St. Louis as well? Nick Vatterot is from St. Louis. Pete Lee? No, Pete's Wisconsin. God. Yeah. Yeah.

Chad? Don't lump us, Midwestern. Sorry, sorry. That's like almost death time, baby. Liquid death, mountain water, flavored sparkling water. I love that lime. I think it's severed lime. Iced tea may look like a tall boy can, but it's a non-alcoholic choice you can enjoy anywhere with flavors like rest in peach. Get it? You can make any boring event a little more exciting. Yeah, I've had this a bunch. As I said, lime seltzer I get in my green room a lot. I love it.

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Shop doer.com. S H O P D U E R.com. Promo code drunk shop doer.com. Promo code drunk. Get on it. Pete would be such a good murderer if they made like Fargo season five. Yeah. Wouldn't he be like, Oh geez. Oh honey. Oh, why are you making me kill you? Red Fox St. Louis. Oh, you better wash your ass. Yeah.

That's his catchphrase. We should get Red Fox on the floor. Oh, I love Red Fox. Get him up there. Sanford and Son is so fucking funny. So funny. You better keep sucking on that sucka sucka. That's my favorite part from that. Yeah, I love that show. Well, you know what I love about comedy is these guys are all just degenerate, balls to the wall, crazy motherfuckers, and then the industry scoops them up, and then they're supposed to be cleaned up and nice and presentable, but they're still that guy. That's why I love Red Fox. On Esther...

You know, the lady that plays Anastar, I can't remember her name. I'm coming to join you. She's filthy, man. Oh, really? Yeah, she is filthy. She's the one that plays Anastar. And she's really hot as a younger woman. Pull her up. Yeah, she was Red's friend in high school or something or coming up in St. Louis. And they wanted an actress.

And she's a comic. And Red said, well, then you're not having a sitcom because she's going to play on Esther because I can tee off on her because she's a comic. He didn't feel right teeing off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was hot. Look at that. She was really hot, man. Wow. Oh, yeah. That was a great- LaWanda Page. LaWanda Page. LaWanda Page. Go watch those old Dean Martin roasts. She's like, you whine-o. She's so good. There's this story about Red Fox where-

There's these two big, big fat guys that were twins out of St. Louis called Zach and Mac.

And they were, and this was when Red's like, you know, there's three channels on TV and Sanford and Sons is the biggest thing going. Yeah. And he's at Dangerfields one night. And he's just murderous. You know, he's Red Fox at the same time. And so he goes down to the green room in Dangerfields and Zach and Mac went on stage. And he had no idea who they were. And they're from St. Louis. And Red's, he's listening. He's like, who are these guys?

up there killing after me, following me, trying to kill after me. And he goes up there and he sees him and he laughs. And then he brings him down to the green room and he talks to him and he finds out they're from St. Louis. He's like, I'm going to put you on my show. Two weeks later, they play bodyguards on Sanford and Son. Wow. There's no way you would get that done these days on a sitcom. No, I love that. I love helping out the comics. How many sitcoms even are there anymore?

I don't know. And also, like, with the writer's strike, I mean, who the fuck, I mean, hopefully by the time this is out, that's over, but I doubt it, right? Yeah, say in 100 days at least.

Probably. It's hard enough to, it takes a long enough time to sell a show, to make a show. I know. And then you put all this shit involved. And it sucks because I love doing this show. Mark and I have a ton of fun, but I didn't think this was going to be our thing. I didn't think we got into comedy thinking, I didn't get into comedy to be like fucking Don Imus. No. I wanted to make a sitcom.

You know, I want to make like a show. And I still do. And maybe, you know, someday at some point. But it's just, God, the hoops you have to jump over with these industry. Well, that's why pods are so popular because you can just do it. You don't need to wait for people and get –

you know, the yes and the no and the red tape and the legal and just do it. The nine different, like, steps. Yeah. And then they still in the end say no. Or I've had friends that have, I've seen friends' comics and then my writer friends have, like, gotten it all the way to the end. Yep. And then by the time you get at the end, it doesn't look anything like what you started with because they messed with it. The industry stinks because how many things have started online and then they go, oh, that's doing well, we'll buy it. And you're like, well, if I had pitched it to you, you would have said no. But now that you see it kick and

They're kicking ass. Now you want it? They have no imagination. They need a complete proof of concept. They can't. You guys should have something, though, man. Well, we will at some point, maybe. But right now, we're having fun, you know. Oh, yeah. We got no one telling us what to do. Make a show, make Salak use my bodyguard. Hey, man, is it more ice?

I'll go get it. I don't know how this works. We got ice. He's supposed to fill the glass with ice. This was a nice little bottled cocktail. I like this. Yeah, these Negronis are all right. I never drink, man. Really? Yeah, I barely ever drink. Easy. Touch me, man. Sorry. Well, let me ask you because you're clean. Well, that drink is laced with five hits of acid. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's the ice you need. Every clean comic has a dark side. Really? Yeah, you know, Seinfeld loves kids. But what is your... Ryan Hamilton once raped a baby. The list goes on and on. Wait, you got Cosby, you got the other guy, Regan's a booze hound. What is your hook? I don't know.

I don't know. I like gambling. Aha! Really? Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, I like to gamble. Okay. I like playing cards. What do you got on Biden's death? All right. What do you think? Is it poker, blackjack? What do you play? It's that, man. It's a terrible, it's a really dumb game. It's that ultimate Texas hold'em. Oh.

Oh, that'll suck you in. Yeah, I grew up playing that. I thought you were going to say like Uno. Gamble. I bet it all, dude. Connect four. I lost my house. No, it's like blackjack. You play the dealer. You play Texas Hold'em against the dealer. Yeah, I was playing this weekend. My roommate in college would pay rent with that shit online. Really? That's so fucking risky. I knew a kid like that too, but it's so risky. It is. Yeah, it's not a good game, man. No. You're not going to win.

I mean, he was always like, come on, let me borrow 20 bucks. I just like being there and playing. Like, if it's a $5 table, it's great. Because a $5 table on that game, that means you're betting the way I bet. You're probably betting...

anywhere from 20 to 40 on the hand right with that's a five dollar minimum so i was i was at this and i i could play that all day long you know i it's just i just like playing but if it goes to 10 man now it's like you know it's an 80 to 150 hand or something it's like it's too much it's too much it's just too much so i'll do that but only when i think i got more money than i really have and

So you got the bug, but you're not a psycho. No, no, no. I'm not out of control. Because guys will lose their families over this shit. No, I don't have a family, but... He already lost it.

Damn. All right. I'm so glad I don't have the gambling bug. I've lost every hand I've ever played. I lose every slot. I've never won. I get drunk at the end of the night sometimes, and I'm just like, just fuck. And then I'm like, fuck you. I just keep putting more on it. Yeah, really? Oh, my God. If I'm hammered, sure. You don't bet the Knicks, do you? I don't bet on sports, because I actually like watching sports. Me neither. I don't bet baseball. You're such a big Cardinals fan, right? Huge, but I don't like betting. I've got the shirt on right here. Yeah, it's like a mix of my buddy's band, who's a comic. It's...

He's got this band called Ludo, and he's got a song about pterodactyls. Oh, cool. They did a thing at Busch Stadium. They had a couple big hits at one time. Were you a football fan? Were you bummed when the Rams left? I was bummed when the Cardinals left when I was a kid. The football Cardinals left to go to Arizona. That really hit me. And then I went to Houston.

And the Oilers left and went to Tennessee. We're leaving right after this show. We're out of here. Everything's falling apart. And then the Rams left. So I hate the NFL. Wow. There's three teams that I've lost. That's tough. I wasn't a giant Rams fan. I followed it. But baseball and college wrestling, I'm in as much as you can be in. You were a legit wrestler.

Yeah. Yeah. I was, yeah, I was good. I wasn't like that next level, but I was, I was good. I mean, that's a tough sport. The cut and wait, you know, the hand it's hand to hand. You gotta, you gotta go out of the guy if you're terrified and it's so simple. You don't want your arms out like that, man. You gotta have men. Gotta have men. Yeah. Yeah. And then the singlet alone is, is intimidating. Yeah.

You know, that little onesie? That's what throws. It's not a onesie. It's not the name of it, man. What do you call it? Singlet. Singlet. Okay, I had it. Onesie sounds like you're taking a shot. No, no. It is one piece of clothing. It's a legit move. What is that, a butt plug? What's going on there? It's called checking the oil. Oh, man. And they do that? I've been there. No, it's a rare thing. That looks like my honeymoon. I think that might be it.

Oh, wow. Milk in the prostate. Why is that the whole... Did you Google that? Yeah. Okay. What is he doing? I Googled your name and wrestling and I got this. No, you did not. Can you imagine if you went to like a real wrestling match and somebody just gave you the shot? There's a really... There's a picture that shows me in a singlet that's like,

Oh, look it up. Can we find it? Oh, pull it up. You were a hunk. That thing sneaks up on me every now and then. I got a wrestling match with my brother where I did that move because you're desperate. You have a finger in the ass? Oh, yeah. Little do you know, that's what makes you cum years later. It's crazy. It's a good move. W-A-R-R-E-N. Yeah. Yeah.

There's two things on the internet. There's that picture. Two very hard words to spell, Matt. Thanks. Yeah, right? Wrestling is W-R-E. Okay. Let's see. Holy shit. This is gay porn. Look at this. It's exactly what you're not supposed to do in a wrestling picture is smile either. It's the stupidest thing. You're so cute. Wrestling pictures and mug shots. You don't smile. Yeah, you don't smile. See, in the middle there. In the middle, that's the only match of mine on...

Yeah. Oh, here we go. That's me getting worked by the two-time national champ, man. Whoa. Oh, is this it? Wait, which one are you? I'm the guy getting whooped. In the maroon? I'm the black. You're the black. He only lost three times his whole college career. Damn. Wow. He is good. He's ferocious. Yeah. Now, if you get later on, like he kills me. He kills me. But I did get on top of him. Okay. There you go.

In the second period, I get on top of him. I start cranking on his leg, and he had a bad leg, you know? Ah, smart. This is true, man. My coach before this match was like, he's like, I don't care who this guy is, Warren. You take it to him. You don't show him any respect. You go after him. So I, and here I am. I'm working him pretty hard here on top, all right? There you go. Yeah, yeah. So at one point, I don't know, somewhere here, they stopped the match, okay? They stopped the match because his knees hurt. He got a dent.

Yeah, right there. His knees hurt. He goes over to his corner. See his legs hurt? Yeah, yeah. Now at this point, I go over to my corner. I'm thinking, yeah, Roper, the coach, he's going to be proud of me. He goes, Warren...

I'm not sure I would have pissed this guy off. And he was right. He was right, man. The guy ripped my head off after this. I won a lot. This is the only match on the internet of mine in college. Wow. Because you fucked his leg up. He was pissed. Yeah, he was pissed. That's when you got to put him in the figure four leg lock. That's what I had him in. Oh, there it is. He just did it to me. But,

way more effective. Oh, man, he's angry. But see, there's no fucking around in this sport. You know, there's no team to rely on. It's just you and this other guy. That's what I love about it. Yeah, he made me look silly a couple times here. I watch a lot of fist fight videos like bar fights and parking lot fights. I feel like they're promoting that shit on Twitter more than ever. Oh,

Twitter Fight Haven. Great follow. I know. It's like just I don't even follow it, but it comes up all the time. Well, I bring it up because a lot of the guys, especially the honkies, they fight and they go in. You can tell they took wrestling in college or high school because they go for the legs. They flip the guy over and then they just get on top and they do a choke hold. And I wish I knew it. I wish I took wrestling. I don't think you take wrestling. Sorry. Performed.

Yeah, I don't know. It's not like shop class, man. Oh, what do you take? You do wrestle. Yeah, you wrestle, man. I wish I wrestled in college. I wrestled my sexuality, but that was about it. So, yeah, aren't you glad you have it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the back spot, you can go bar fight. You can...

You know more than the other guy already. Yeah, I mean, I don't really need to be getting any bar fights at my age. But you did. You tackled a guy in the village once, right? Yeah, man. There we go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that happened. I got punched in the face in the East Village, and I shot a single leg on him and took him down. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like a...

The punch wasn't bad, but after that, he was on something. I was new in New York at the time. What a fucking welcome. I know it's that welcome. I think I called my brother who had lived in Jersey for a long time. He's like, it's just the East Coast, man. I'm like, what? I called another one of my friends.

I called Vecchione to tell him. He's a wrestler. Yeah, he was a wrestler and a comic. And, you know, I just met Mike when I moved here, but I immediately loved the guy. He's a wrestler. He's a great comic. Yeah. So I called Mike to tell him. And then I called another one of my friends. He's like, dude, this is because somebody was taping it was was part of the story. Somebody was like, dude, that thing that's going to wind up on the.

It's going to wind up on YouTube, man. This is going to be a break for you. This is going to be your biggest thing. Pull it up. I'm like, dude, I had a Comedy Central special. No one cares. It wasn't that good, man.

That is what you need. He's a comedian. We got to look at his shit. Right. Jim Jeffries got punched on stage. He said that broke him. Bill Burr had the heckle thing in Philly. That kind of broke him. You need to find a guy on fentanyl and kick his ass. Let's get the cameras rolling. Fentanyl might be a little scary, though, right? He might bite you or something. Yeah.

Maybe. So, wait, why did a guy just randomly hit you? Just hobo, nut job? I was just walking down the East Village, and I go... It was like, you lived right behind me back then in the Lower East Side. That's right. I lived on Ludlow. Yeah, so I was walking down, and I just walked by this guy. He goes, what are you looking at, man? And, like, I turned around. He shouted at me. I turned around, which...

Judah told me, like, don't turn around ever. Yeah, Judah was like, don't ever turn around, man. Well, everybody's yelling, hey, world champion, huh? He's like, just keep going, keep going. So I turned around, and, you know, I was like, ah, it's a crazy guy. And then he, like, literally sprinted towards me. He's like, I said, what are you looking at, man? And I said something stupid, you know. And then I, like, I deserved to be hit. Like, I had my face out almost like, right here is where you want to, let me draw an X. I was like, hey, man, where are you? And he just went, bam. Whoa.

And for a minute, I was like, I don't know, because I was new in New York. You feel like a victim of some sort. Of course. I was like, ah, what should I do? And I was like, wait, wait a minute, man. I practiced this every day for 20 days. I know what to do here. Yeah. And what'd you do? You swooped him up? Single leg to the right side. Took him down. Yeah, yeah. Went right down. And then I stopped short of like...

I was kind of, I think I had my hand on, my thumb on his neck or something. Wow. And then I was like, wait a minute, this guy's like, he's a heroin addict. Right. He can't fight. You called your coach and he's like, I wouldn't have done that. Oh, my coach, that's the thing. If that video would have showed up on the internet, he'd be like, Warren, you still don't know how to shoot. Right side, your footwork is terrible. Right.

Damn, that's pretty wild. Can you play the video that I sent you, Matt? You sent it to Salicus? Someone sent me this one. Mark's going to love this shit. Uh-oh. We got a fist fight? Is that what it is? Salicus, do you have it? I don't have it yet. He's going to text it to you. We can always play it later. Should we do news or something? Oh, yeah. Let's do some jokes. All right. So we got a news story here for you. A prisoner who died and was brought back to life argued that his life sentence was technically finished.

This is great. This guy's a genius. This lawyer is brilliant. What a great way to get out of a life sentence. You serve one. Now you're reborn. This is gold. Yeah, I feel like, you know, because they said, sorry, man. Like, he lost. Oh, he did? Yeah, he lost. Which I think they had to, because you know, like, prisoners, if this worked, every prisoner would be like, doc, doc, I'm dead. He's like, you have a cold.

I'm dead. And if you ever want to see your family again, I'm dead. I know people on the outside. Yeah. No, it's a cold. I'm dead, Doc. Write it down. I'm dead. We're also here to do not resuscitate, which it's like. Oh, really? Yeah. Which, by the way, I feel like if you've murdered someone, you should have a do not resuscitate. There should not be a line in the ER. And you're like, why are we waiting so long? Like, we're trying to save a murderer. Yeah. You know? That's true. It is hilarious that they're trying to. It's a technicality. Yeah.

Like he's technically dead, but it's like, yeah, wordplay. I don't know if that's the reason a lot of murder. I remember there was a story in the news about this guy who showed up to a hospital and he had a tattoo. It said, do not resuscitate. And there was an argument over the doctor saying, is this a contract? Can we abide by this or do we have to try and revive him? Interesting. They ended up reviving him. It could have been a house episode. I don't know. I love that show. That was a great show. Love it. Is this what you're looking for, Sam?

No, do news first. We'll save this one. Save it. They got it. They revived this guy with epinephrine, it said. Yeah. Which is, that's that truck driver speed. You know, like those little mini things you see when you go in a gas station? That's epinephrine. Oh, really? Which tells you that stuff should not

Yeah, for sale at 7-Eleven. I've had a shot of allergic reaction. I have an epinephrine shot in my leg. It saved my fucking life. Really? What happened? I had an allergic reaction. My eyes were bugging out. Wait, what are you allergic to? I don't want to say because someone could poison me. Oh, pussy. I'm allergic to pussy.

And it only happened to me one time. No, I remember I was walking to the hospital with my mom and a bird shit on my face. And I was just like, this ain't my day. Yeah. But they do say that's good luck, right? So, yeah, I walk in, they jam into my leg and I, you know, you're like, you know, but then I passed out for like five hours. Whoa. Wow. It's crazy. Yeah. You were out? I was out. Yeah. How old were you? I was like.

12. Jesus. Man, you're opening for Ron White. Stuck something in your drink. I had a similar thing where I had an allergic reaction. I went into one of those WebMD places, whatever it's called. You walk in. The clinic? Yeah, CityMD. Yeah, CityMD. And they looked at my face. They're like, we're calling 911. I was like, you're 911. I was like, you handle this. What are you allergic to? I won't say. Come on. What is this? No, I think that's reasonable. Yeah.

All right. I'm allergic to gin. Oh, really? Breakout and Hives. Got to go to the ER and get a shot of something. Yeah. Damn. This is worse than that. This will kill me. That's what I don't want to say. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This will literally murder me. Don't let the fans know. I got you. Or your lady. You never know. This could be her way out. All right. What do you got? What's next? An Austrian train plays a Hitler speech on its loudspeaker.

Wow. On a train too. That's really the fucked up part. Yeah. What's next? I didn't even think of that, man. Yeah. God. Well, you know they weren't real Nazis because this was an efficiently, they would have run it efficiently if it was a Nazi train. That's true. That's true. This is brutal, man. The story, like the only thing I could think was like, at least like,

America's not the only place with like moron skinhead dirtbags. You know, like they got them over there too. That's the Mecca too. You thought they would clean it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't start this. Right. That's where Hitler's from, by the way. Austria. Yeah. That's right. But that's, apparently the air conditioning went down too on this train. I was like, two things? Come on.

Although I did check and the showers didn't work. So that was it. Woo. These poor kids are just on their way to camp. It's also funny. I wonder if the guy was just like, he just happened to be a neo-Nazi who fucked up. It's kind of like when you leave the porn in the VCR. You're like, oh shit, that wasn't supposed to play now. That's for later. All right. Uh,

VCR porn jokes, Mark. Sorry, I've got to get more up to date. That's like a true life tale right there. What happened to him right there? Thank you. It's my era. They shouldn't play this on a train, this Hitler speech. They should play it in art schools. Just so you know, they're like, hey, if you don't get your shit together, you're going to end up like this guy. You've got to paint better.

One of the guys, the news said, we clearly distance ourselves from the content, which I'm going to start doing if my wife catches my DMs. I'm like, I distance myself. Nothing? All right. Too soon? Hitler speech on a train? That's like playing Jim Crow at an auction. All right. Wait, Jim Crow? Jim Crow. That's what messed me up. I was thinking Crow. Oh, Jim Crow. I guess he didn't give speeches. David Duke?

All right, all right. I'll take it. Maybe David Duke on a cruise. Slave ship. All right, all right. He's killed in my apartment. Mark's bargaining with Salak. He's like, come on. Give me a fucking... Give me something here. Oh, here we go. A Michigan woman charged with...

caring for wildlife without a permit, the animals were killed by the state officials. So the state officials came in, took her animals away that she wasn't properly caring for, and killed them.

That's a weird series of events. Yeah. It's a little mixed message. And she said, they said they took it away from her because they don't want, like if you take in a wild animal, chances are when you put it back out in the wild, it's going to die. Yes. But the stuff that she was taking, it was like a one-legged crow. Yeah. It was a blind raccoon. With Down syndrome. With Down syndrome.

they're gonna die like like i don't see where like if you put them back they're gonna die man i'm with you i was on her side totally and then did you read her tweet was it her facebook post or whatever it sounds a little bit a little much man she said so this old farm gal helps that she called them woodland creatures which immediately yeah that's adorable yeah

I will be arrested. Please pray I will light... Be a light for those I come in contact with. Let my hands continue to give life. Sure, she's nice, but I was like, ah, she's a handful. She was charged with keeping endangered creatures in captivity. Thank God Hugh Hefner's not still alive. Yeah. Yeah, also... You think those girls didn't want to be there? Some of them didn't. I think some of them, like, talked themselves into wanting to be there. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I don't know if they really... I think at a certain point, they're like, I think there's...

And wasn't he on all kinds of pills like uppers or something? Oh, yeah. Was it like 1970s? I mean, he was something at that age. It's energy. It's not a downer. Yeah, that's true. But he was like a speed freak kind of guy. Oh, yeah, probably. And, you know, the Viagra. And also he had these strict like it's movie night. Like, I just want to go hang out. It's movie night. You're all going to sit around me and, you know, watch the movie and pet me.

Let me just say this about the wildlife. I've got to get my jokes in that I worked on. It's just a weird series of events where they, hey, you're mistreating these animals, and then we kill them. What if CPS did that? Hey, you're not fit to be a father. All right. We got it in.

Thank God they weren't around for a... I like where you're heading with that one, though, man. That's something there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's definitely a... Yeah, where were these animal rights activists during Noah's Ark? Huh? Go back to the CPS thing? Oh, yeah. All right. We got any other news, Sal? Keep it going, Sally.

Okay, so masturbation with a sex toy kills a man. Wait, which toy? I just want to know for myself here, for my future. This is what you're allergic to. He gets electrocuted with ping pong balls up his butt while jerking off in the Czech Republic. Mmm.

Yeah, I actually saw that his parents found the body, which, like, you should not have this advanced a sexual fetish and live at home. Oh, yes. You got to pick one. Yeah, how did they not know what was going on? You were electrocuting your balls. You got to at least afford a studio. Who knew and when? The other thing, like, it's the Czech Republic. That's an Eastern European country. They're pretty frugal over there, so...

Like they're using those ping pong balls again for something. Somebody's going to be using that. Don't throw away ping pong ball. He's perfectly good. They smell weird. Grandpa is fine. It's fine. This guy's up. Schitt's Creek with a ping pong paddle. All right. Uh,

Oh, shit. Hold on. Why is it electric, by the way? Why is it an electric ping pong? Because I think it was electrocuted in his balls or something. The ball wasn't electric. Yeah, have you ever tried to get off with just regular ping pong? On his tombstone, they wrote game set match.

There's some people who think regular masturbation is a sin. Can you imagine? Oh yeah. Like, wow, this guy's really a piece of shit. The guy that invented a cornflakes did it because Kellogg, he, that's right. He was against masturbation and he thought that what caused masturbation was bland, was, was spicy food. So he made cornflakes as bland as he could. And he invented graham crackers. They used to be really, really bland. Um,

No, Graham invented graham crackers, and this guy was a disciple of his. But he did it because if you eat a bland diet, you won't masturbate. Can you imagine what he thought these people were eating? Like this guy. And then his brother...

His brother snuck sugar into the cornflakes. Oh, really? My brother's an idiot, and that's why Kellogg's became this giant thing. How about that? Subsequent examination revealed that the electric device malfunctioned when plugged in, and the autopsy revealed...

Burns in the skin above the man's penis. Can you sue that manufacturer? Yeah, good choice. It's a pretty embarrassing lawsuit. You probably never get sued, man. Who's going to sue us? The parents show up. We want justice. All right, tell us exactly what happened. Never mind. Why is it electric? I don't get what is an electric ping pong ball. No, it's the device. Like the metal balls? No, it's ping pong. It's ping pong, man. I don't get how it can be electric.

Yeah, I'm confused. But all right. Either way, if he was Amish, he'd be with us. Please don't look for photos. What were you saying, Mark? Nothing. Stand by it. These poor parents are going to be triggered every time they see a ping pong table, you know?

Are there any other stories? Yeah, sure. Oh, do you have any more, Mark? No, no. You don't want to hear it. I like the CPS thing. Thank you. So a Colorado driver tries to switch seats with a dog. This is gold. God. This is great. A Colorado driver tries to switch seats with a dog in a failed attempt to avoid a DUI arrest. Woo! This guy's a real booze hound. You know? Little hair of the dog. This guy was shih tzu faced. This guy...

This only works if the cop is also shit-faced. Right. In which case, he's like, whoa, the dog is driving. I feel like we know guys that would do this. Yes. Like, it's because the ingenuity of a drunk is especially... Yeah. This guy is a genius. They should have let him go. Right.

And you know he doubled down too. You know, they're like, hey man. He's like, what? Was the dog swerving? Because he said he wasn't drinking, man. If he was drinking, it's on me. It's on me. That'd be great if they did punish the dog. Just like, he's fine. The dog has to do community service for like three months. You see the dog out on the side of the highway. I wonder what he did.

You should just like, this guy is kind of a genius. I love this guy. He gets caught like fucking his wife's friend. He just throws the dog. I know he's like, it was him. Right. Bad boy. Dirty dog. Oh, yeah. And the cop's like, ah, got another collar. All right.

Isn't that what they call it? A collar? Okay, okay. So we have a story here. Italy calls crisis meeting over surging pasta prices. Yeah. Well, you know. This is like, this is funny because this is like exactly what an ignorant person would think they're doing in Italy. They're like, I bet they're fucking arguing about pasta or some shit. And that is, we're like dealing with like mass shootings and immigration over here. They're just like, we got a linguine crisis. Right. Yeah, you wonder what wasn't a

before this. Yeah, man, the mafia's coming back. There's violence in the streets and the infrastructure's crumbling. There's an 8% raise in pasta prices. We gotta have a meeting. This is tragic. Yeah, they're really pinching pennies. All right. Woo!

Ah, I got it, man. It's reached a boiling point over there with this pasta. And I blame these olive oil tycoons. All right. I'll see you all in hell. Finching pennies.

Last one. What is it? Oh, do you have one more joke or do you want me to read the thing? No, no. Last one. Okay. A man rescued from the woods after a sex game goes awry. German police say a 51-year-old man who was left tied up in the woods when a sex game went awry...

I had a lucky escape after a cyclist and a hunter heard his screams for help. Wow. What's going on with me? Me and my wife, we have sex sideways. It takes 11 seconds. Then we both watch jury duty. Who are these guys going to the woods, getting tied up, doing all kinds of kooky shit? What's wrong with the bed? Yeah.

Exactly. Bags are fucking great. Oral is good. Sex is good. You don't need a ping pong ball or a tied up tree. No judgment, but if it kills you, some judgment. Yes. Yes. Agreed. Did you see that? Like the woman that did this to him?

She got a phone call, supposedly, and that's when she took off and left him there. Oh, yeah. I want to know what that phone call was. Listen, your kid's in trouble at school. They were jumping rope, and he tied somebody up, and it's a real bad day.

It is. She got found by a, oh, he got found by a cyclist, which is so, and a hunter. It's so weird. Like, can you imagine? There's like the different ends of the health spectrum. It's like one dude, one dude's working on his cardio. Another dude's tied up in the woods. Both of their heart rate is going for a different reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank God Dick Cheney wasn't out there. He would have shot that guy. Shot him in the face. Yeah. So that's an old reference.

The 51-year-old told officers that he had a box cutter with him for such situations, but he couldn't find it.

Man, those box cutters. Let me tell you something. In the grocery business, those things are gold. Gold. Yeah, like, Freddie was the one that told me. Because he was in the grocery business before. That's how you bribe the grocery store. Hey, a couple of box cutters. Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, we didn't have it. But Freddie said they had, like, Clorox. You know, that was his company. It was Clorox or Colgate or something. Yeah, some box cutters, man. Interesting. I knew a guy who was an undercover cop, and he got out of a...

a serious jam with some box cutters like a fight yeah oh damn yeah those will cut you up yeah

Yeah, this is... Not just for boxers. Uh-huh. He's lucky, this guy. Yeah, they're kind of like where you can... It's a track. Yeah, yeah. It's like a switchblade almost. Switchblade, yeah. Exacto knife is also pretty deadly. When I was growing up, those were called buck fifties. Because they would use them for slashing faces on the subway, and you need 150 stitches.

What? Where did you grow up, man? God. Yeah, don't let the outfit fool you. He's not from Tahiti working on a job. 150 stitches?

Geez. Oh, yeah. Who's the guy that the comic that got that happened to? Doug Smith. Doug Smith, man. Amazing bit he has on it. Great bit. Yeah. It's all true, though, right? All true. Yeah. Yeah. He's a hero. It's on YouTube. It's an Ari Shaffir storytelling show. It's great. Killer story. True story.

Do you have any... Oh, sorry, Mark. No, I was just going to say this guy's lucky that these guys found him. That could have been a lot worse. He could have been found by other sexual weirdos. Deliverance 2.0. Yes, exactly. They're like, well, looky here. We got ourselves a mouth. Thank you, God.

Served up on a silver platter. My, my Cletus. Uh, or he knows him. He sees these guys. Oh yeah. Not Charlie. This guy's into some weird stuff. Oh, this dude loves fucking mouths. God damn it. You can really bribe him. He's like, help me, help me. You're like, yeah, you know, I've been looking at this big screen TV on Best Buy. Whatever you want, man. He's like nine, nine, nine guys. He's in Germany. Uh,

Nine is no in German. How'd we know? Oh, it was in Germany. Oh, I didn't know it was in Germany. I see. Sorry, sorry. You gotta pay attention to the date line for some of these things. Sorry, sorry. Any wrecks or peeves or anything? I actually have some peeves. Hit me. Hold on, let me pull these up. I don't know if you got any peeves there, Greg. Sure. What do you got? Uh,

I've been full on... When you walk into a business and nobody's working there, like nobody's at the front, it drives me insane. Hotels are one. So, you know, you come into a hotel at like 11.30 at night and there's like a sign saying,

that says, you know, I'll be back in 10 minutes or cause they went to the bed. Like you're the holiday in, you're this giant company and you, you have, you can only have one guy working for, for 400 rooms. You can only have one guy working. He's going to have to go to the bathroom. You guys really can't afford two guys. I know, you know, that, that is brutal. Walgreens is another one, which it doesn't hold up as much in the city, but in like suburban Walgreens, you walk in at 1130 at night, they're open. Uh,

There's one guy working the register. Yeah, and he's not there. Right. You walk in, it's upsetting. You just feel like something...

Did something horrible just happen? Yeah, yeah. Amazon came along. Yeah, but I mean... You feel like you're giving to a mom and pop going to Walgreens. That's true. That's how strong Amazon is. You guys, right now, you have one more employee than a vending machine, and you're Walgreens, man. You can't afford two guys. Well, we come with the AI and stuff. I mean, it started with the self-checkout. It's coming for us. Yeah, McDonald's. You guys scared me so much. I listened to your last episode, and you were talking about...

writing jokes and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, it's coming, baby. It's not good. They're not great yet. I Googled, I checked to see if I could write a better joke, and they're better than mine tonight. But they're not great yet. But give them five years. They'll figure it out. Yeah, no soul, though. No soul. No soul. They could figure that out. Soul, come on. Soul's a Pixar movie. I did see that there was a self-checkout that asked for a tip. What? What?

Oh, you gotta be kidding. You gotta be kidding me, man. So you're just tipping the company? Yeah. I love that. Like, no one's working here, but let me just give Howard Schultz at Starbucks some more money. Right, right. My thing is, like, if you're gonna steal from that place, how do you get in trouble for doing that? You don't. You're allowed to steal that. That's gonna be the new viral video. Is this robots killing unarmed people? Okay.

And they're going to be like, look, we need robots to patrol the neighborhood. They keep us safe. Yeah, that's going to happen. You're right. Good point. Yeah. All right, I got a peeve for you. What do you got? How about this guy? I hate this guy. The guy who gets mad that you're mad.

So I had the guy go, this guy was fucking me over. I'm not going to get into details. But he's screwing me over. And then I finally see the guy. And I go, hey, what's going on? He goes, don't be mad. I'm like, you can't tell me not to be mad. I'm mad. You fucked me over. And now you're telling me not to be mad? You don't get to do that. Yeah. Hate the don't be mad guy. I think we need details on this.

Yeah, maybe you need details. He took some money from me. I've been hounding him about it. He's like, don't worry, I'll get it to you. And I bumped into him. He didn't think I would bump into him. He's like, hey, the money's coming. Don't be mad. I'm like, I'm bad. Every once in a while, you just want a guy to be like,

Hit me with it. Yes, be mad. I'm allowing it. You can't do that with the police. Don't be upset. I did something illegal. You're going to jail. No, no, no. Don't be upset. You're in a sex dungeon? Slow down. I know you're going to be mad. Come on. Yeah. You're also the cheapest guy I know in the world. What circumstance did you lend somebody money? I lend

money you guys don't know about me letting money it's a comic yeah do i know oh yeah everybody knows him it's jerry seinfeld now um that'd be great if jerry was just borrowing money from people he's like dude just spot me like you know

Just bought me like 10 grand. Well, I've opened with some big headliners. They have no cash. It's all tied up and they got Swiss banks and real estate and cars and all this shit. Mark used to open for Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. No cash on Epstein. Good gig, bud. I had to tip all the girls.

But, yeah, that is. Don't be mad. Any wrecks? I just saw Air. I heard it's great. It's great. It's so fun. I'm going to watch it. It feels like a real movie. Oh, you would love it, man. I feel like it was made for me. I can't wait to watch it. I just watched The Fablemans on your wreck. Oh, yeah, that's good. It's good. It takes a minute, but it gets there. Spielberg's movie, The Fablemans. It's great.

It's like his life story. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's really good, dude. I haven't seen it. Do you like it? I didn't see it yet. You'll like it. I thought you told me it was bad. The first half took me a second. Well, once I got to the second half, I loved it. I think it's good. It's good. I watched it on a flight, but it was a gaps. Yeah. I might be late on this, but Beef is very good. I hear it's very good. People are raving about Beef. Beef. It's on Netflix.

Literally. No, yeah, that's a show. He's just recommending the food. I thought he was talking about the meat, man. I thought that's a good bit. Every week, he's just like, chicken is pretty good. I like chicken this week. Well, the way he said it, I'm kind of late on this. Guys, tune in next week. Salacuse is going to recommend fish. It's crazy. I got one.

Briggs and Riley luggage. I'm all in on that. All my shit is Briggs and Riley. It's a lifetime guarantee. It's expensive, but it's a lifetime guarantee. Lifetime. What? I bought a bag back when I lived in LA in like the early 2000s, and it was like 550 bucks, which back then was a lot of money for me. Give me an image. They're great. Lifetime guarantee, and let me tell you something. These guys...

made a bad deal. Oh, really? Yeah, I've said it back like 10 times because it got beat up. Listen, people make the mistake of buying low-end luggage and it just breaks. I've had it break on me. Yeah. But then you buy one really good one. You have it for your fucking life. Like, uh,

I had a bag break at JFK Airport, and I was like, I'm fucked. Nothing. I went into a store. They sell Briggs and Riley bags. Whoa. It cost me... Yeah, it was something like $5.50. Oh, at JFK, it was probably... Yeah. No, it wasn't jacked up, really. It wasn't that bad, but it was like, man, this is a great... Really? Even when I was putting the stuff in, I was like, wow, this is kind of sleeker and better. Forever. And honestly...

Like, I just send it back now, and there's no verification. I just send it to them. So I think it's not only lifetime. I think it's, like, if you have kids, you pass that down. Yeah. Till death sucks in relationships, it's great with material goods. Yes. It really is. So can I go to a thrift store, buy a Briggs & Riley, and send it in? I think when I got, when I first sent it in, I had to tell where I bought it, so I don't know. I'll just lie, say I bought a JFK.

I don't think that's going to work, Mark. Don't be mad, but I just don't think it's going to work. I'll try it. But all right, I got to get, because everybody says Tumi, Tumi. You always hear about Tumi. No, Tumi's good too. A lot of companies give, I think Tumi's way more expensive. Oh, but is it on guarantee? I got a Tumi backpack. Lifetime. I don't think that's guaranteed. I don't think so either. There's one called Deer Creek or something like that. There's a lot of high-end companies that are lifetime, but Jigsaw and Riley is legit for sure. Patagonia. Hey, by the way, man, the-

Your bourbon's great. Thank you. Nice job. Hell yeah, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Online. Get that shit. My one drink of the year. Patagonia also, you send it in. You got a torn jacket. They'll fix it for free. Really? Yeah, fun fact. I got a torn Patagonia jacket. Send it in, baby. Really? Oh, yeah, they'll fix it. All right. Fun fact. They just bank on no one sending it in.

People are lazy. You bank on laziness. You might. I'm fucking lazy, dude. Oh, yeah. I got a million subscriptions out there and I've signed up for this and Audible and all this other shit. Still paying it. Those people that tell you like those, you know, you put in this, you put into whatever, how many subscriptions you have on your phone. Yes. It's an app. Holy shit. I should get that. But I also am like, I'm lazy. I can't even get that. They're banking on that. They know it. They're a sponsor? Yeah.

Are they? They're doing great. And they're doing great work. And I love every second of it. Rocket money. We love you, rocket money. It's a great concept. Rocket money. You guys are the real deal. Yeah, you're saving us. Love what you guys do. Hell yeah. Should we plug dates? Let's do it. Pull them up. We're going to be coming up, Greg.

On the road? Yeah, yeah, I'm on the road. Is this coming out soon? When's it coming out, man? Mid-June something. We're banking here. Mark's going to Australia and I'm on the road for like two weeks. Yeah, Nashville Zanies in the summer. I'm trying to hit that one. And then the Ice House in LA. Oh, wow. Trying to hit those pretty good, man. When are you in Zanies?

Like sometime in, I think, July. Oh, okay. Nashville in June. That would have been fun to overlap. Yeah, man. August, August. Oh, you got Sunnyvale, Bloomington, Pasadena, Nashville, Appleton, Vegas, Chicago. Go see Greg Warren on the road. Watch the salesman on YouTube. Yes.

Huge, huge endorsement from all of us here. Great special. Clean. Bring the kids. Bring the kids. And it's really just quality joke writing. Great stuff. I'm all over, man. Yeah, where am I going to be? Oh, yeah, Denver. 22nd and Denver. 23rd and Santa Fe. 24th and San Antonio. Adding a bunch of shit. Adding a bunch of shit. Look at that, man. Texas. Houston, Texas on the 25th.

Edmonton, Alberta. Wow, great outdoors comedy. Taking some time off there, it looks like? No, we're adding some stuff. Never. We're adding some stuff. Montreal is going to be added. Columbus Theatre in Providence, Rhode Island. The Academy of Music in Northampton, Massachusetts. Higher Ground in Burlington, Vermont. And in Albany, we're going to add as well. And then, you know, Toronto. A lot of stuff's coming. Cincy, Columbus.

Indianapolis. Yeah, that Egyptian room in Indy is really cool, man. Is it? It's so big, though. Fucking Indy, man. Yeah, Indy's a weird area. Hard to get those people out. You guys are killing it, man. I'm proud of you guys, man. Oh, hey, thanks, man. We'll OD eventually. It's awesome, man. Greg Warren, great comic. Definitely watch his special. Hell yeah. Hoyt Sherman in Des Moines? Yeah. Yeah, man, awesome. You know it? Yeah, man. All right, you're the one person. I love Des Moines. Yeah.

I've never been there. I've got to go there. Oh, that's fun. You've got to go to Des Moines, man. Yeah. Sorry. After Australia, I'm doing a big theater tour. We're going to Pabst in Milwaukee. Give me some cities just so I'm not – there you go. Milwaukee, Des Moines, L.A., San Diego, Louisville, Kentucky, Cincinnati, Springfield, Cleveland, Hershey, PA. Oh, you're playing the Taft in Cincinnati, man. Yeah. That was right where – right by Procter & Gamble, man. Oh, wow. Dude, that's –

Yeah. Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland. Oh, yeah. Providence, Rhode Island, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Denver, Grand Junction, Colorado, Hartford, Connecticut, all kinds of day. MarkNormanComedy.com, Mobile, New Orleans, Santa Rosa. When's the special coming out, Mark? Special comes out July 25th on Netflix. Awesome, man. I say horrible things, so buckle up. Should be fun. And I don't do any of these jokes that I did here, so don't worry about that.

And, yeah, we'll have fun. Get Bodega Cat. I don't know, man. The Penne one was great.

I tweeted it. It got about 11 likes. I like it. Thank you. Suck our pennies, Mark. Yeah. There we go. Also, teasing New York November 4th. I can't say the venue yet because they're being sticklers, but let's just say it's in the theater where the fucking Knicks play. So think about that. Really? Yeah. So just get ready, motherfucker. Oh, shit. All right. Sounds good. And where the field corn grows. That's the old special. Fish sandwich. All right. Yeah.

Boy, do you have a new material yet? Man, I got a...

15 minute run or something. Yeah, that's where I'm at. Man, I watched Nate the other day. He's got a new hour since his thing came out. Oh, he's unreal. It's unbelievable. He's a monster. Yeah, I gotta get with it. I gotta get going. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough to build. It's, man, it's like two different jobs, isn't it? It's like starting a special and then ending it or polishing it. It's like you're like throwing shit at the wall and then like honing the shit that you threw at the wall. Yes, yes. So it's, uh,

It's way more fun to start from scratch, even though it's frustrating, because you will go to that place where you get frustrated with the crowd again. Yes. You get annoyed with yourself. It's not pretty. But then when you're honing, you're just bored. I'm trying to like... I have shit that I know works now, and I'm trying to just like...

You get so comfortable. I can add this line, but you got to just try new jokes all the time. Step off the diving board. Yeah. But another better one just starts gelling. You're like, oh, I can add that to this. Oh, that'll finish that. That's really when it gets fun, but I'm not there yet. No, I'm not even close. I always have this. I'm like, I don't know if I have another one in me. I know. I think the same thing, but you got it in there. You got it. We all do. But that's how you feel after every...

After every special. It's a hangover. It's like you're like, I'll never drink again. And then it's 5 or 6 p.m. You're like, I could have one. You'll find a way. Great analogy. Thanks, folks. Get some bodega. Get a shirt. Get a glass. We'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. Thank you, Greg. Thanks, guys. Check out the special. The salesman on YouTube. And Sally, you good? Good. All right, Peters. There we go. Keep on keeping on.

♪ Feeling dangerous ♪