Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila
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We got into a huge fight because she ate my ass and I came so quick. Okay. Yeah, this is gold. Yeah. This is gold. We're rolling. Oh, we're rolling? Where the hell's the bartender? Yeah, where is he? We don't need him. We don't need him. I need a drink. All right, Sam needs a drink. I like this new studio, man. Yeah.

That's all you need. It's good to see you, man. And this is a shared space, right? So it's not even that fucking expensive. No, this is all ours. No, but I'm saying outside is the whole floor. Yeah, exactly. All your garbage has a fucking compound. I know. I know. Compound media. But it's good. Yeah. They're huge. Talking about Foley. Yeah.

He's a big smoker. Oh, yeah. Dude, last time I saw you was in the Knick game. Oh, I know. That was fucking brutal, dude. Brutal. I was on the street last night after the loss, and I'm wearing a Knick sweatshirt, and some guy goes, I'm in my moons, just like, let me just eat away the pain. Yeah. And some guy walks up to me and goes, hey, Sam, why don't you take that sweatshirt off after that game? And I just, I ignore him because I'm like in a bad mood. And he says again, hey, Sam. I said, I go, I heard you. Yeah.

I go, I fucking heard you. And he just goes, okay, and walked away. That's the one something about celebrity is they get the other way. I'm not a celebrity, but he knew your name. No, but you are to people. He knew you. So he goes, hey, good job or great set, Sam. That's nice, but hey, Sam, your knicks suck. I'll match your energy. There you go. If you say good set, I'll say thanks. Right. What, are you doing a protein shake? Yeah, is that stupid? I mean, it's a drinking podcast. What I'm

You look great, though, by the way. Because my eating hours stop in about 40 minutes here, so I just got to get in the last hour. We'll get you some calories. Are you intermittent? Yeah. It changed my whole life. I do it, too. Do you really? Well, I do it on accident. I was going to say, what I've learned is, and I bet Sam does it on accident, the people who have always maintained...

he can use some fasting the people who can always the people who can who always like had good builds like you and Sam always naturally did it I realized like I have to force myself to do it or I'm not gonna stay in line my metabolism so now I pretty much eat 10 a.m. to 6 sometimes 11 to 5 depending on the hours and yeah dude it changed my whole fucking

What do you mean? So before it was just you would snack before bed, you mean? Before I would just, I had no rules. I would just eat like, you know, my daughter would, you know, my kids be eating. It'd be 7 o'clock. I'd be eating a little bit of their pasta, a little bit of their desserts. Like, oh, I'm not eating that much. But it doesn't matter. Your body's metabolism is kicking in and you're breaking out of your fasting even if you have anything over 30 calories. So I was never in a state of calorie deficit and my body was never burning. My body was never burning its fat.

Right. It was always like, you know, so now I do. Now I go 16 to 18 hours with no eating. Are you down for a Manhattan or no? Sure, I can do a Manhattan. You can't make that. Whatever's easiest to make. He can't make a Manhattan. Are you really making it for us? He's been to gin and tonic once. Really? Your wife drinks Manhattans? Yeah, sure.

What? Who's your wife? Humphrey Bogart? You kind of look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in a way, in a little way. A good-looking Seymour. A good-looking Seymour Hoffman, yeah. But it's his career that's dead. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, I mean you look like Hoffman now. He was the best. He really was. I mean, honestly, I was watching the other night Along Came Polly. He's so funny. He's so...

Such a good comedic... Baldwin, too. The second scene of the movie when he walks in and slips on the floor is fucking hilarious. So funny. Yeah. Raindrop. I mean, some of the terms that we use, like sharding, that's from that movie. No. The first time you ever heard the term sharding, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Long Cane Polly. That might be true. It is. Are you pulling it? Oh, look at that. You've never heard it before. Oh, that was... Raindrop.

That's in Manhattan, right? Isn't that by the cellar? Is that the one in the West Village? No. No. Is it? I thought. I could be wrong. Sasquatch. Oh, I got a pee for you basketball related.

I was playing on the road and this dude was shirtless, which I was just like, he just takes his shirt off mid-game and I'm like, I got to guard the shirtless guy now? And it's wet and slippery. That's a tactic. Wet men. That's a peeve. Wet men. Tiki Barber told me that a tactic for some of the players in the NFL when he was playing was to not shower, to smell like absolute shit because he said you had a lot of people who like, they would smell so bad or not brush their teeth or just be disgusting that you would kind of think twice about having that guy roll on you or like...

Taking it to him. So he was like... That was like a tactic for people to be not hygienic. I was like, wow. That makes sense. Then he told me a funny story once about the Cleveland Browns, about how they played the Browns on one of those...

Saturday early afternoon games, like towards the end of the, you know, play towards the playoffs, towards the end of the regular season. And they played the Cleveland Browns and, you know, they beat the shit out of them. And then they weren't going home that night. The Giants, they were going to wait and go home the next morning. So they decided to go out to a nightclub in Cleveland and they are the Giants. So they all were just like walking in. And he said, Tiki Barber was walking in and forgot some other player was walking in and they know he fumbled his ID. Yeah, I know. No, the,

And they noticed the Cleveland Browns, members of the Cleveland Browns football team waiting on line to get into the club. The people in their own city's nightclub wouldn't let them in because they didn't know that. And they were like, do you guys want to just come in with us? And he's like, we walked in the home team into their own nightclub.

Oh, my God. And then the guys were just saying, it was like how much it sucks to play for that team. Wow. Yeah, God. They get no respect. They had that QB, Bernie Kosar, in the 80s, and the guy just got the shit kicked out of him. And his dad stole all his money. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He was on like the famous Broke. Broke, yeah. Yeah, but he...

he would cut like eight concussions or something and the fans are just booing him like this dude's dying well that's how his dad started stealing his money because he was so concussed and fucked up that his dad was just like this guy's like my son's a retard so now so I'm just gonna take his money and it sucks he's the worst father ever yeah kind of hilarious so that guy was definitely a good time he gets another hit he's like that's another ten grand right there yeah right there

Didn't Jordan's dad die? Yeah. Gambling. The Russians killed him, I think. I don't know who killed him. I don't know if they ever proved it, but it's possible. He was pulled off the side of the road. The conspiracy theory that I don't know if it's true is that... It's that...

They asked him to take a break from basketball because it was getting bad press, and that's why he did the baseball thing for a year. Oh, is that why? Although, to me— The baseball was worse than the dad dunk. All right. But the thing is, it makes no sense to me, that conspiracy theory, because he's the biggest star in the league. Yeah, he could play. Why would you— You'd want him to play. Yeah. They're going to suspend him for gambling. Right. And then he said— Are you mic'd up, by the way? Oh, sure.

And then his son died as well. Jordan. Oh, I don't know. Did he? Both side of the road shootings. Sorry. Cosby's son was killed? Yeah, just randomly side of the road. He was changing a tire. Boom. Interesting. Crazy.

Maybe it was one of the victims getting a little revenge. Now you go to sleep. What are you doing to Guinness? This is a starter because I don't have ginger ale for

You don't put ginger ale in Manhattan's. What is this, the 1940s? I'm telling you, man. No, this is not how you make a Manhattan. It's sweet vermouth, bourbon, and bitters. That's all it is. Okay, I'll make it. Oh, this is bad. Now I really don't trust this. No, no. Pick me up. Where's the other one? A quarter beer? He's late. What the hell are we doing? No, the girl. Oh.

What was her name? She's nursing. Oh, she has. She had a full baby. Oh, yeah. Who did? And she's already back. Who? What's her face? The girl. Jamie. Jamie. Oh, yeah. Couldn't think of her name. Sorry. The girl. She's very hot. Remember when pro wrestling, there was a side character that would come out? Her name was Woman. Ha!

That's all they could come up with is a name. Like, you're a woman. We should do that with the trans athletes. Hey, woman. I saw a hot trans walking over here. Did you? Eighth Avenue is fucking ripe with them. Was she holding hands with Jim Norton? Bro, they just fucking speed fast. Norton's new material about his trans girlfriend is so funny. He's amazing. Yeah.

Good comic. There's a lot of, what, on 8th Avenue? Tons. Really? Yeah, there's a lot of homeless out there today. Oh, it's crazy. Well, the sun's coming out, so they're out. This is a nice building, though. This is really nice. You like it? How long have you guys been here? Not that long. Not a year? I think it's good here. That's great. We love it. We're parked. We're staying. We're staying, baby. Do you see the trans poker player one?

No. Some guy said, I'm going to identify as a woman, and he went to the women's poker and won the whole tournament. Oh, shit. Because women can't have a good poker face. They can't hold anything in. That's true. Write that down. That's a bit. That's true, but poker should be even. It should be men and women because there's no physical. Right. But yet, the guy still won. So he identified as a woman to enter.

Damn. Slippery slope. Damn. This is how they get you. And I think a guy did that with weightlifting as well. A guy identified as a woman and won the weightlifting. Really? Yeah, sorry. I jerk off to this stuff at all. That's fun. So wait, yeah. How was Sicily? Amazing. You went with the lady. Yeah, Sicily was good. I'm half Sicilian. It, um...

are we on we're good yeah we're rolling oh we've been rolling yeah oh we're cooking baby jesus is this that bad an episode oh good oh you're using this yeah yeah this is the show actually um i know sicily sicily was great it's um white lotus was there why that's where i stayed in the san dominico palace the same is it really fancy it's really it was really nice but it was with the kids as well just no just jazz and i yeah and um we had a good time um

I learned something. I was asking the Italian guys, whoa, that guy's tall. The beer Jew. There it is, baby. What was your beer Jew train late? I got stuck behind a motorcade on the express bus. Biden's in town. Is he Mike Dunn? Is Biden in town? No, I think he died. Nice, buddy.

And what he said was, this Italian baggage handle guy, I was asking him questions. He's like, what do you see? Like, what is anything you learned from seeing all these people come in and out? He goes, the people with the most luggage have the worst time. He goes, I think the more luggage people bring, and it's usually Americans, always complain, always get into a fight with their wife and kids. Interesting.

always are sitting down in the bar alone. He said the people who come with almost nothing, with just like a knapsack or one little travel or one little carry-on, have a great time. It was like pack light. That would be my advice. It's a metaphor for life. You don't need all this shit, all these material things. You just need your family, your friends, and a cocktail. But who normally really brings...

The extra bag. It's women. They need a million outfits. Well, that's what I said. That's what I said to him. I was like, well, because I saw him. I was sitting at the bar by myself. I was like, I brought almost nothing. Yeah. And I'm having a bad time, but I'm having a bad time because my girl ate my asshole a few hours ago. And then I came in too quickly and she thinks I'm gay now. Huh?

That's a real thing. What's the male G-spot right there? That's what I said. I was like, what are you talking about? Like, you can't. Did she really call you gay? Yeah, she was like crying. She was like, this confirms it. And she was just like, I swear to God, she was like looking out. Wait, that was the test? No. She didn't do it for your pleasure. She did it to see. Our room had like this nice little balcony and she was like literally weeping. Like, this confirms it. She was sipping Prosecco looking out at the Mediterranean. Ha ha.

Like, what am I going to do? Yeah, I was like, well, I'm going to go downstairs and find a fucking guy then. I'm going to find Armand. On the way out, you should have walked in and said, and your shoes are terrible. Damn. But it was great. It's the only place that I've been to where I actually fell in love with the people. You know, when people say that, I never understood that. But I was like, oh, the people, their way of life.

Not everything is about money. Not everything is about the hustle. Not everything is about, oh, I saw this idea on Shark Tank. Not everything is that. They're like, we just live. We make enough money to live our life. And it was sweet. I was like, well, if I took that attitude, I wouldn't be staying in this fucking hotel. So get me another Diet Pepsi, Fernando. It's always funny when people give you that advice. You're like, what is this, 2009? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, dude, more. The fucking white. What? Yeah. It was like four grand a night. What? Well, here's what I do. Here's how I live my life. Because that does sound like a lot of money. And it is. Yeah. But I do one trip every 18 months. I don't do it every year. I do it every 18 months. This is that trip where I just have a guilt-free spending trip that I'm consciously thinking about taking a percentage of my income monthly to put towards this guilt-free spending trip. And that was this. Well, she made you feel guilty. She called you gay. Exactly.

I know. I was like, I should have taken Mateo. Also, are you gay when you're signing that check at the end? Yeah. How gay am I now, lady? Yeah, exactly. Fucking unbelievable. I'm gay. I did pick out the stucco, which is gorgeous in the backyard. You're like, I'm not gay. Now put on this strap on real quick. Yeah.

Peg me. Yeah. But, yeah, it was good, man. That doesn't make you gay. That's ridiculous. How do you say eating that? And there's nothing wrong with being gay, by the way. Well, he's going to make a real cocktail. All right. Yes, gee, Salicu is really not filling in well. Yeah. Pouring us a quart of Guinness here. I know, this is like a before and after. I'm a big fan of...

It's like room temperature. It's like room temperature. So I can get someone with tequila? Yes, sir. Or like a little antihistamine and pinot grigio? 100%, dude. You look like a professional soccer player. You look like some type of Viking guy. Yeah. Isn't he a Viking? You know they invented shitting on the chest, supposedly? Really? Supposedly.

I don't know what the Viking leader, who it was specifically, but supposedly they would come and raid and, you know, your standard Viking stuff, raid, pillage, rape, kill the kids, all that fun stuff. But then they would, what some Viking clans would do is in an effort to show dominance, they would keep a couple of people that they were going to make slaves alive. And before they killed the top chieftain of that tribe, they would hold them down and each member of the new Viking clan would come and shit on his chest. I could take that.

To me, a chest shitting is way better than getting raped or pillaged. It would suck, though, if you're like the one constipated Viking. Or a blood shit. Or you're just shitting out little rabbit pellets. Oh, yeah. It's like getting slimed on Nickelodeon, but even worse. Yeah.

Damn, that's... I mean, although the Germans decided to make it a sexual thing, I guess. Yes, yes. They made it a humiliation thing, but the Germans... And Odell Beckham enjoys it. Supposedly. Yeah. Supposedly, yes. Well, supposedly they say he's gay. Supposedly. Yeah, supposedly he likes his bucket eaten by women. Wonder why. I think... What's his face? His face is...

is definitely gay. The way he speaks. Oh, God. Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey's gay. Me, Chrissy D. I'm blanking. Somebody, it's like, he's so openly gay. Wouldn't it be funny if the Minnesota Vikings did that when they won the game? The other team? Yeah.

Well, that's what Lizzo means when she's like boyfriend on the Minnesota bike. She just loves getting shit on the chest. Now, that would be a scary shit because you're like, oh, God. That's a lot of Chipotle. That's a dump. Yeah. Big dump. I'm attracted to Lizzo, though. She's got a pretty face. In some ways, yeah. I like her. I like her confidence and energy. Sure. Yeah, she's vegan. Is she? Oh, yeah. That's a lot of...

Grass? Yeah, that's a lot of them. She's got a graze. Yeah. Graze anatomy. Look at this. I bought you guys gifts. What? I bought you guys treats from Angelina Bakery. You guys ever go there right by your studio? I don't want it. Don't throw it. Yeah. And then I got a... You know what this is? You know what bugs me about this? Yeah. This guy comes in drinking protein shakes working out. He's trying to fatten us up. Yeah.

And then he brings this shit. Yeah, look at this. Come on. Oh, my God. Pistachio, strawberry, Nutella, and I came in that one. Well, Mark wants a Nutella, I know. Oh, yeah. And then I think that one might be a hazelnut cream or anything. I said, I know you guys aren't fat, but your staff is. Yes.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm a fatty as well. I love eating this shit. I try to only eat it on the weekends. Which one is that? That's like some hazelnutty. Ooh, baby. Yeah. They're all good, man. So they're cream filled. They're all cream filled. Yeah, the place is not, I don't want to give away your location, but it's not far from where you are. It's down the street. You know where it is? You ever been there? It's right on 8th Avenue. It's awesome. And this is how they do donuts?

Donuts, coffees, yeah. Italian sandwiches. They got real actual like Italian gelato. You know the gelato is real when they have the rectangular, you know, polders that they have. Yeah, I know what you mean. That's real gelato. I want that Nutella if you don't mind. The Nutella, yeah. Now what are you doing?

Look at all that in there. Look at that. That's pistachio. Wow, that's high end. High end, baby. Look at that. Classic Manhattan kid going after the pistachio. Sugar right on the pants. We're real slobs. That is fucking good. Oh, man. That's very good. Would you like some, man? Anybody? Peters? I see you drooling over there. Oh, you don't see me? Do you really, Peters? He's like Norm over there. It's good, right? Yeah, they have good coffee as well.

He goes right for the cakes.

Oh, wow. That's a lot of newt. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. You know, that actually comes from a Viking's butthole right there. Thank you, my friend. Absolutely. Sam, dirty martini for you. What is everyone else doing? I got some tequila. Yeah, it's like a little tequila margarita action. Thank you, my friend. What are you doing? I'm doing that. I'll do what everyone's doing. I'm a team player. Oh, wow. Yummy, yummy in my tummy. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Yeah. Wow. Have you been on the road heavy, Chris? I just got, I just came back from a shout out to good people of Buffalo, Ithaca and Albany. Did you go to that restaurant I told you about? No, we didn't go. I couldn't make it. But I had food in Ithaca. I went to this place. I think it's called Red's in Ithaca was some of the best food I ever had in my life. It was good. But now I'm on, I got a couple more. I got one more date in Newport, California.

Rhode Island, May 28th. And then I'm taking the summer off. Is that the Rogue Island? Yeah. That's a fun fest. Yeah. I'm doing my man Doug Key. I'm doing two shows there somewhere. Love the Doug. But then, yeah, summer off. And then you do that off for your kids. For my kids. Yeah. And for my own.

I haven't really taken any time off from, since like we got back at it from the pandemic. So I was like, let me just take some time. And yeah, July, June, July, like hang with the kids. And then August, I go back heavy. I got Radio City, September 22nd. Whoa!

Local boy makes good. Yeah. And then the theater at Madison Square Garden September 23rd. That's beautiful. Is that a long move? Yeah, baby. And then I'm going to put a fall tour on sale soon. You're going to ask for a custom Chrissy D. Nicks jersey. I want it. Whoa. Do you know the path? Here's the thing with us, right? You don't know if it's going to happen, but Sam and I are New York boys.

We are on a path. You will sell out the Hulu Theater at MSG, and then you might even add a second one, probable add a second one. Let's take it one at a time. No, but I'm saying it's probable it's going to happen. And then you know the thing, again, not that it's going to happen, but we have an actual chance. It's not out of the realm of possibility to perform at the real Madison Square Garden. Sure. It's not out of the realm of possibility. No. It's like there's people who are in line to do it. All three of us are. But it's like as New Yorkers, it's like if that happens, it's almost like,

It's almost like if that happens, then like... Where do you go from there? What are you doing? Everything else is just like, all right. Yeah, I think weird sex stuff. Yeah, that's what it is. That's when you get into kids. Yeah.

That's true. I mean, look at Epstein. He had everything. Where do you go? What's your, what's your, because obviously New York is where the garden, but is it your garden as well? Eight year, nine year old. I mean, the garden is, is great. Something about Carnegie really scratches my taint. I love that Carnegie. How many seats is that? 35. Oh, really? You could do that right now. Oh, I would love to do Carnegie. Easily.

Yeah, but I like all the rules. I like the rhyming is special. Right. Is there anything in New Orleans that's like special to you? The Sanger. The Sanger is like our beacon, kind of. And I would love to do the Sanger one day. I opened for Schumer there years ago, but to really headline the Sanger would be something. But I think you could do it now. I could do it. I mean, give me three years. It's probably like 5,000 seats. Is it? Yeah, and that's a lot in New Orleans. I know, but I feel like where you're from is easier. I don't know.

But I'm like you. They say never buy your dream car because then where do you go from there? It's depressing. Yeah. So I like just running around, doing all the rooms. Do you have a dream car?

Yeah, do you even drive? Do you even have a license? I don't. I got a Beamer. I got a 73, so I kind of have my dream car. Oh, yeah. Do you have a dream car? A dream car? No. I have a Lincoln Navigator now. It's pretty nice. Oh, that's very nice. For the family. See, look at that. It's a sweet ride. Oh, yeah, you got a sick car. Oh, yeah. I don't have a dream car. Thank you, BeardJew. Cheers. Cheers, Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov on the Hulu Theater and the Radio City. And Radio City, baby. Hold on.

There it is. There we go. That's a toot for the toot. He always leans it my way. I love it. Out of respect for the guest. He's a guest, yeah. Mark's farts are cute. Oh, thank you. Mark is kind of the closest to a cartoon character we have. Yes, yes. Tell that to my wife when she's eating my ass. Woo! Woo!

I'm gay. She's eating his ass. Chipotle. Comedy. Because you're a wife now, married guy, do you guys think about the future, like kids, finance, investing? Do you do any of that stuff? Totally, totally. I think all that stuff's fun. I like saving for the future. I'm buying a house. I'm buying a brownstone in Brooklyn. Whoa. So that's fun. You got to think about schools, all that bullshit. You're going to leave Manhattan and go to Brooklyn. Yeah, just get a little more space.

I've done my Manhattan time and I loved it, but... What part of Brooklyn? Fort Greene. Oh, that's where I went to college, St. Joseph's College. Hey! Fort Greene, you would not have been welcome 20 years ago. It's changed quite a bit. Jesus. I used to move furniture and we moved this gay couple into Fort Greene and it was from New Jersey to Fort Greene and they had this huge place right on the park in Fort Greene. I remember being like, oh my God.

Oh my God. One day, and I moved all these ancient artifacts because they're gay and they had all this cool shit and expensive shit. I nicked one vase. This thing was about this big from Zimbabwe and I nicked it and this guy goes, and he just flipped out. You should have wrapped it up. What's he doing? I don't know, but we moved every single artifact. It was like Indiana Jones moving this shit and then I nicked one thing and he flipped out on me. Bro.

That's like Mike Racine. I hired Mike Racine once to move for me. I was moving from my apartment. I was moving from an apartment in Brooklyn to another apartment in Brooklyn. Yeah. But then one of the couches that I had, I was going to bring to my dad's house. It was living in Staten Island. So Mike's like, hire me. I got it. Don't worry. So I'm waiting for him. He calls me. He goes, we're coming around the corner. So he comes down the block. It's just him in the moving truck. Oh.

I was like, where's your team? He was like, it's just me. I was like, you made it seem like you were a part of a moving organization. He's like, nah, it's just me. It'll save you money. It'll just be me and you. I'm like, I don't want to move this shit. Now you're carrying couches. I don't want to do that. I would have paid more to not do it. He's like, it's fine. So we do it. We're going, whatever. Drop everything off.

We're on my way to my dad's. We dropped stuff in my apartment. I'm not keeping track of all the inventory. That's his job. We get to my dad's house. He opens up the back. The couch isn't in there. He left the couch at the first place. I'm like, the only reason we crossed the bridge to come to Staten Island was to drop off this couch. He was like, can I get some money to go back? I got to pay the toll. Oh.

And I was like, oh my God. You can't hire comics. But I paid him and fucking- I did a couple of those with him and he's just got a cigarette in his mouth the entire time. He's breathing smoke in your eyes the entire time. And you got to sit in that little front part of the truck, whatever you call the bed of the truck. The white windowless van. You're like, we're pedos. Makes great sauce though. Oh yeah. And a great comic. You know what the secret is, is the carrots. Oh really? He puts just a little bit of carrots in there. Don't give it away. The bison. That's all he has. It's the Flaming Moes episode.

Oh, yeah. Love Mike Racine. Mike's a great comic. We actually just rewatched one of his Conan sets, and he's like, dude, he's got so many good jokes in that set. He's got a kid now, too. Everyone's having kids. That's right. You want to do it. I want to do it. All right. Yeah. Give me a year.

Give me a year. Do you guys have like 401ks and investments and do stuff like that or you don't think like that? I got all that shit. Yeah, I do. Do you have a financial planner that does it? I have a guy that does it. I think we're the same guy. Russell? Yeah, he does. Yeah, my guy. That's my guy. Oh. Yeah, but that's your accountant.

He then worked with a guy at Schwab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Schwab guy. We probably got the same Schwab guy, too. Charles Schwab. Charles Schwab. Right. Got it. He's good. Jordan Belfort is my guy. He's very good. Yeah, because you'd be surprised how many of our peers don't have any of that.

I want to start like something. Wait, are you telling me people in entertainment are not smart with money? Well, I'm thinking of the ones of us who have it, the ones of us who kind of, you know, not that we're financial experts, but if any of us can become financial experts, it'd be a good business idea for us to create a company where the comics invest with us, the ones who can't do it, and we do it for them, and they trust us. This sounds like a horrible idea. What do you think? Because I don't know shit about it. I know I hire people to do it for me. If we're involved and it goes south, we're criminals. Easy, Madoff. No, but you're going to...

But you're giving up so much money to these financial planners. You don't even realize 1%. You're like, oh, that's not a lot. But it's like it is over the course of 30 years. You're going to give them like millions of dollars. But if we can learn it ourselves. Yeah. Well, you guys both fired your managers, right? Yeah. But then I hired another one. Oh, giving away 20% of my money. I am too. And it's kicking my ass. Not me. I get these guys doing all my shit.

But I'll say this about my manager, Emilio Savone, a.k.a. the Italian woman. I'll say this. He's got a ponytail. Yes. Be careful. I said this. He's got a ponytail. He's going through a midlife crisis. So not great. Woman. But what I like about him is because he –

He has graduated from being a manager and all that. He's kind of in the new world where it's not just, he's not like booking my flights. It's not what he does. It's like he's digitally marketing me. He's all that stuff. It doesn't matter if you call into a radio station anymore and get on. It's fun, but nobody cares. It's the digital marketing. It's the Facebook. It's the Instagram. It's all that. And he does all that. It's the constantly on the venues that you're going to like.

you know, getting their email list, email, he's controlling all that. So for me, that's like worth the money. Oh yeah. But what about the little thing? Cause I, I'm a retard. I can't book a flight. I'll fuck it up. I'll drive to LaGuardia when I'm going out of Newark. I do all that shit. He would do that too. But I just, for me, I'm, I, those, I guess since I became a dad, I just know where I'm supposed to be always. But, but so you do all that. Yeah. I just like to do it. Cause I like to pick my flight. I like to use my points. I like to like, uh,

take some time but he would do that too okay okay because i can't do any of that shit any kind of planning so i get mark had his manager book his honeymoon honeymoon wedding vacation did you take a commission yeah because i'm already paying the guy so i'm like you want my 10 i think managers are running scared a little bit i think they know that this is kind of a dying thing these management companies how bad do we really need them anymore i mean you don't have one you're doing all right it's been years yeah yeah and you get 10 you you

I save that and I invest that in video stuff. I pay for... That's a lot of money. Well, I put everything back into my career. Into the shows and the road. But you make a million dollars a year. You give them 10%. That's 100 grand. That's a lot of fucking money. That's more than Salke's ever seen or paid for a sweater. It's a tax write-off, but it's still money.

It's still a lot. True, true. It's a lot of dough. I think that we're all – because here's the thing. Here's the thing. As I went – I've been trying to do my own investing now. I have the Vanguard account. I've been trying to watch my own things, look at my own – just be a little – I still have the money with all these guys that we have because I'm like trust experts. You got to delegate and trust experts. I'm all about that. But I'm like I need to start to be on the path to try to know this stuff and understand this stuff for my kids, right? Oh, same here. Dude, I'm like GameStop is due to make a comeback. I'm going all in. 100%.

I'm going all in on that. You should do that. Get your money in crypto right now. Dogecoin. But one thing, because sometimes we don't realize, I was talking to an independent planner. He's just a friend of mine. I try to talk to people now that are not incentivized to make money off me because then you get the real... If they're incentivized to make money off you, they're going to...

They're very cunning at like, put your money with me. Even I'll make you more of a return. It's all capitalism, which I'm for because I love this fucking country. But I will say talking to an outside source, he was asking me, he was like, he showed I showed him my gross income and then my net is so radically different. It's so much radically lower than the gross where he was like, you know, where is where is all this money going? He was like, are you overspending? I was like, no. And I'm showing him I have like charts and everything.

He's like, where is all, where's 20% of your money? Like every month you're giving so much of it away. I was like, that's to the manager and to the agent. And he said, he was like, I have no idea about, I'm not creative. I have not the slightest clue of what goes on in the creative world. He was like, I am telling you, he's like, I've been doing this 25 years. I am telling you 1000%. That's a racket. That is the definition of a racket. There is no way.

There is no way anybody figured out mathematically why you have to give 10% to a manager and 10% to an agent. They are just saying you have to do it because you have to do it. It's mafia shit. That is absolutely... That's why I got rid of a manager years ago. You are being ripped off. There is no way that they should be taking that much. This is what I'm saying.

He said, if a professional athlete gets a contract, they give them, what, 1%, 2% of the contract, maybe 3%, and the argument will be, oh, well, that's because I only make a one-time negotiation for you at 3%, so that's why...

It's so much less. But I'd argue that it's like, it's the same with me. You've taken me in as whatever, a commodity, right? A commodity, a talent. So it's like, why do you get like, so the 10%, the work that you do for me at 10% now is the same work that you're going to get 10% of when hopefully I'm five times as big? You're the same guy. How does this make sense? How long before we get artificial intelligence as an agency? Oh, that's another thing I want to talk to you about. I'm working on it.

It's coming. It's called Chris GPT. Is this the manager we went through five years ago? Because they helped you grow. So maybe they deserve a little bit of sort of back pay. But you get bigger and you're still paying them 10% of the more money you're making. But you wouldn't have gotten to. This is just their side of the argument.

You wouldn't have gotten there without this. Right, right. And I understand that. I understand that wholeheartedly. The truth is that it's their argument because they're being in a position to say, how else am I needed unless I tell you if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be there. Of course, the fans don't give a shit. They pay to see Sam.

They don't care who you're repped by. I think you cut the manager and you invest that 10% in analingus and prostitutes. I think that's what you do. That's what I want to do. Keep morale high. That's what I want to do because I've sat my children down and told them, like, I need prostitutes so I keep the relationship fresh with your mother. Yes. Here, here. That's my daddy. That should be your sitcom. It's just that but with a laugh track.

I'm sorry. I bang whores sometimes. Just a huge explosion. I have jazz and I have jizz. My dad sat me down when he was 16. He's like, Chris, the key to success is whores. Do we have news? Yeah, I got some good ones. I like your shirt, by the way. Thank you. Salakius, old school. You're the one. Hey. Sent me an ad. I was like, I like that. Is it on Paul Fredericks? Oh, I don't know. Okay.

P.F.'s. You look good. I like it. Thank you, gentlemen. Yeah, very old school. I got a new story here. Robert De Niro has revealed that he has become a father for his seventh child. He is 79 years old. Can we make the font smaller? What do you think? I saw that today. There we go.

Wow. Father of the seventh child. His age? What is he, 78? 79 years old. His worst decision since Meet the Fockers. You didn't like Meet the Fockers? Nah, I liked the first one. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Meet the Parents was great. That was great. I have nipples. Let me take a wild guess. The kid's half black. Oh, he loves the dark. Hey, so do I, my friend. They got divorced, though, him and his wife. He found another one. He's got a string of black women.

- Yeah. - Easy. - He used to date one of the waitresses at the cellar. - Really? - Yeah. - He dated Linda? - Yeah, for years. And then he would come to the cellar. Like that was like his side piece. Are we allowed to say her name? Is that public? - Yeah. - She loved her. - Let's leave the name.

I fucked her. We all had a turn. She loves white dick. He's got a kid now and I didn't know he's 79. Well, Jagger just had one as well and he's got to be up there. So the male sperm can really swim. Ready for this fact I just learned?

The last living person whose father fought in the Civil War, which was from 1861 to 1865, just died two years ago. Okay. So that means there was a guy walking around two years ago whose father fought in the Civil War because...

The father fought in the Civil War when he was 16. He had this kid at 90 years old. He was 90 when he had this kid. And then that kid grew on to, I think the guy died when he was like 101. Wow. So it's like at 90, this guy had a kid and he had fought in the Civil War. So he fought someone probably 50 years younger than him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because the women, yeah, yeah. And he fought for the South. Yeah, he fought for the South. He was probably his cousin. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Well, you know, Ari Shaffir's dad was in the Holocaust. True story. Really? His dad. That's how old Ari is. Right. Yeah. So, I mean. Well, how old is Ari? In his 50s? No. I'd say so. No, he's not. A lot of these guys are sleeper picks, man. Oh, yeah. You think they're young and they're like, they're close to 50. Wilson Vince is 68. Something crazy. I don't know how much Ari is in Jew years. Bert Kreischer's only. Ha, ha, ha.

Burt Kreischer's only 24. Don't look up our age. Tom Segura's only like 43. Tom Segura's not that much older than us. He's crazy. He's killing it. He looks good. He looks great. He's got a trainer. Every day at 8 a.m. he trains. He looks very good. Two kids. They both look good. Let's stay on track here with the Jews. Yes. An ice cream stand near Auschwitz. Don't get the train off the tracks. Great segue, Matt. Thank you.

An ice cream stand near Auschwitz concentration camp causes a bit of a controversy. Okay.

I don't know. They serve ice cream? It's a great idea. After that shit show, you need a little pick-me-up. Exactly. You know, it's happiness after this hell. Yeah, were we supposed to starve these kids too? What the hell? Oh, my God. I like that. I'm glad you said it. Yeah. Do I have free license on this topic? Oh, yeah. I mean, look, it's far away. It's not like there's a dude in there with, like, hot dogs and beer being like, get your hot dog.

You know, you're kosher, kosher. Made from the real bodies. Made from the same oven. I went to Dachau in Germany, concentration camp, and they had to say, they had to tell us before we got off the bus into the Dachau, do not make, please do not...

Go on Snapchat. Do not do any Instagram filters. Please do not take any fun selfies in front of the ovens or on the fields because people do that all the time and it really upsets the locals. Yeah. I was like, wow. That upsets the locals? Not burning six million Jews? Well, these influencers go out there and go, here we go, folks. I'm here. And they make a joke about it. Some guy's selfie just like,

Yeah, exactly. YOLO. Yeah, well, it's, no, I think, who cares? It's ice cream, right? I guess so. I guess people need to eat, you know? Hashtag genocide. Yeah, Mark. Well, it helps kids learn probably, right? If you're like, oh, we'll get ice cream after. It's something to look forward to. But it's kind of a Jewy move. Like, how can I make money off of this? Right. Hey, I don't care. Sell ice cream. Just don't sell any Bud Light. No, sell it all. I'd love to fuck Dylan McKavey.

Yeah. You know. I think if it's a Jewish guy selling it, it should be all right. Let him get some money out of this. Yeah. Why the hell not? That's reparations. There you go. That's a good flavor.

Reparation Flavor. Yeah, over one million Jews died at this, you know, in Auschwitz. You're like, well, I'm dying for some fucking Rocky Road. Yeah. That's your sales pitch right there. Let's do this. Six million flavors. I like that. All right, yeah. There we go. Hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Dewar. Oh, yeah. Well, when Dewar sent us over their top-of-the-line shorts, I didn't expect them to be this good.

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Here, here. Here's another news story. Iowa couple charged with leaving their child behind to take a trip to Kansas City. Wow. How bad is Iowa? You need to live it up in KC. Yeah. I mean, that's... Where did they leave the child? Like a home alone situation? Yeah, home alone situation, yeah. This is real life home alone, though. You don't have this. You have, you know, a kid wandering for fentanyl. Yeah. Do you... How old was the kid? Um,

checking here. He's young, I think. By the way, what's his fucking last name, Matt? Uh-oh. Also, I think they're dressed the same. Let's see. We got that...

Chansey, Mariah, Raylan, and... Oh, that's... That's a lot of kids. Buford? No, no. There's another name in there. Oh, Jacob Murill, 30 years old. Whoa, doggie. He spells it differently, though. He's not a real Jew. Yeah, that's not a drug of choice, usually. But, yeah, they left the kid on like a... Oh, a seven-year-old. Seven. Wow. Seven is... It's illegal. I'm trying to think. I have a seven-year-old daughter.

She would, um, if I left her alone for a day, I think she'd survive. Give her an iPad. Well, this kid survived, right? Yeah. But yeah, you can't, yeah, but, but, yeah, no, no. Yeah, I don't, uh, that's not good. What age kid could you leave on the streets of Manhattan and like, they could live?

for a day or two. Do they have the apartment or on the street? They're on the street. Well, Manhattan is much easier than being abandoned on a highway here. Although, I'm looking at their mug shots. I think this kid might be better off. Yeah, true. The guy's not bad looking. The lady's terrifying. But yeah. Now wait, they didn't leave him in the home.

They literally left him on the street. Yeah, that's crazy. Why did they do it? Were they in like a drunken, drug-fueled stupor? I think Kansas City is just that good. Yeah, they wanted that barbecue. Right. Damn, that is rough.

What can you do? Fuck that kid. They're better off. I mean, these kids will go to a foster home and live it up. If I was at foster care and I took in that kid, first thing I'd do, take him to Auschwitz, get some ice cream. We'll get an ice cream. Where? Get on the flight. I'm looking at her face. The barbecue ain't the only thing slow. Yeah, right. By the way, Haagen-Dazs sounds like a concentration camp. I'm taking you to Haagen-Dazs.

Van Leeuwen. A lot of German. Breyers. Oh.

I don't think Van Leeuwen's German, but it sounds it. It's got the van. Kids love a van. All right, so a cow in Poland escaped a slaughterhouse and swam across the river to an island where it remained for weeks. The cow became a symbol of freedom and was eventually pardoned by the president of Poland. Then they ate him. The cow, now named Saved, lives out his days in a farm sanctuary. What is this, Cool Hand Luke? What the hell is going on? I know, right? I didn't know cows could swim. Yeah, me neither. Interesting. I think the udder helps you float.

Maybe, yeah. Yeah. Under madness. Oh, there we go. Oh, my God. Look at that. Wow, even the black cow. Okay. There it is. Glip it. They're not good swimmers, though. That doesn't look smooth. They were hanging in there. They were hanging in, but...

I don't know. So he gets to live, but then he has to watch all his friends get turned into a Big Mac? Right. That's a weird existence. They're like, you're safe. Every other cow is dead. Dude, I watched a documentary. I think it was something about fish. Is it Seaspiracy? One of those? Yeah. Fish are disgusting. Like, I thought you're eating fish or eating a cleaner meat, a wild salmon. It's all lies.

Like salmon is not that salmon that we eat. That's pink. That's not its actual color at all. Like it's not supposed to be pink. No, if you look at it, like the show, the videos, they have like rashes all over them and blisters because of like the contamination of like the water. It's,

fish is worse for you, even wild fish, than red meat, they say, because of all the toxins. Really? Which you don't know. Yeah. Like, I was getting these omega-3 fish oil pills from Nordic Naturals, which is, like, I thought, like, oh, it's Nordic, it's the Vikings, it's free fish, but they're like, it's all fish farm, so it's, like, loaded with chemicals where you should be getting your omega-3s from algae, because the fish eat the algae, and that's where they get the cardiovascular problems

benefits. So if you just like go to the source and eat the algae pills, that's supposedly... That's better than fish oil? That's better than fish oil. There's a new fad every three years. I know. And everything's bad for you. They would say fish oil was good for ADD and it gave you health benefits and stuff like that. Right, but now they're saying that because of all... That was true, but now because of all the...

in these fish farms and overproduction of fish. It's going to get to the point where the fish and most of the food we eat is all going to have to be genetically made in a lab. It's just going to have to be because the wild animals, we've polluted the earth so much that the only way to do it is to now just make... The chicken from KFC is some of the healthiest chicken you can eat because it's genetically made in a lab. Whoa.

So it's like it removes all the- Oh, no, dude. I've seen the people who eat it. They don't look that healthy. I know. Well, no. Fried chicken is bad, but it's like the healthiest type of fried chicken. Right. That makes sense, but it's so funny that the people who are so anti-vegan are going to be eating food that's prepped similar to how vegans are eating. Yeah. Because if it's made in a lab and it's altered-

It's just where we're going. It was wild. We got so many people that you have to keep pumping in these drugs to these animals to make them grow and get bigger and bigger because we need to feed everybody. So yeah, they're full of drugs and contaminants. So you're right. I think the lab shit will be cleaner. Yeah, we've depleted something like 80% of the fish sources in the Atlantic Ocean are gone already from just like 100 years ago.

Damn. Yeah. It's wild, dude. We really will ruin some shit. But hey, right now, let's live it up. But hey, man, if we're going down, man. Yeah, let's get ice cream. If we're going down, now's the time to go down, have fun, and ice cream. It sucks because I actually like seafood. I love seafood. Seafood's probably my favorite. Man, I ate a bunch of crawfish the other day and I just think of Norman every time I eat it. No, I don't. It's in New Orleans? No, it's in Texas, but that's like Mark's favorite food. I had a big old bag and

last week in New Orleans. Just eat it right out of a bag. Crack it open. I had crawfish ravioli once. It was awesome. Really? Very nice. You can put anything in ravioli. True. Yeah, you can put anything. Viking shit, whatever. Auschwitz ice cream. I love ravioli. I do too. Ravioli, tortellini. I'm a big cheese-filled pasta guy. Yeah, no, it's the best.

Yeah, it's awesome. I mean, it's just cheese and pasta. It's the best. I think Italian food's the best food, and I really don't think it's like when people try to debate it, they just like, just shut up. I mean, it's the best food. It is the best food. Is it? I mean, it's all noodles that are just different shape, and then a sauce. What's Mexican food? Right. You can go to an Italian restaurant, and you could just pretty much know that at least something on the menu you're going to like. That's true. That's true. You can't go wrong. I just feel like Italian is safe. I feel like...

You can't really bring anyone out. Although these days, who knows? People have like weird gluten shit. And there's a lot of carbs. Yeah. I went to food in Sicily. Everyone talks about how the food in Italy and Sicily is like amazing and mind-blowing. And maybe it's because...

I went in there with like this notion of like this food's gonna be great, but like every other meal was like not that good. - Yeah. - There was like a couple of dishes that I had like this is the best pizza or best pasta I've ever had in my life, but then every other dish was like, this is like fine. - Right. - 'Cause I think we have so much preservatives and salt and stuff in our food that it's like America, we just have the best food. Like they don't have this shit in Italy, this size.

They just don't have it. No way. Well, you can find it, but it's like in the tourist parts for Americans. Like they would never eat this. And I'm like, you know, this is how you have to live. They also don't have this size in Italy. No, you can't even attempt to buy clothes in Italy. Like I went to...

in H&M in Palermo, Sicily just like killing time walked around and I my size waist is a 36 and I put on what a 36 is there and it was like I couldn't even get my thigh they wouldn't come past my thigh wow and I was like what size would I be here like a 44 and they're like oh we only have up to 38 but there you go

Everything is prego. Your next special size 40 waist. Yeah. I ate too much prego. That's what they say. Prego, prego. But that's like, yeah, no, something about like New York food. People will say like New York, like, you know, New Haven is the best pizza, but I feel like New York is so consistent. Like we may not have the best food, but we're just so consistent. Can't go wrong. Yep.

Yeah. I mean, like you just walk into this random bakery and there's not even a line. And it's some of the best sweets you've ever had where it's like there would only be one of these in another city and it'd be like a two hour wait to get in. But we just like any pizzeria you walk into New York or like blow somebody's mind from another city. Well, there's so much competition. You got to be good or you're gone. That's it. But Gomez told me he went to Italy, ate pasta and pizza every day, lost weight because they have so much less preservatives and sugar and all that shit. And you walk so much.

And you walk. Yeah, that's what I did. I drank wine, ate pasta and pizza every day, went off my sweets rule, went off my intermittent fasting, and I gained, oh, I'd say the exact same weight. Isn't that weird? And they drink wine and smoke cigarettes. No headaches with the wine either. I did not get one headache from drinking wine. What is that?

Because they don't have the sulfates in them. Yeah, it's organic or is it? Well, we have to put sulfates in preservatives and even when we import the wine, but there they don't have to. The sulfates are really what I think give you the hangover. Yeah. Really? Well, remember when we would drink that natural wine and we never got hangovers? No problem at all.

No. But then the wine snobs here will trash the natty stuff. Yeah, they're like, oh, that's fucking garbage. Try this. These wine guys don't know anything. I think if you put two different things in front of them, they couldn't tell. They're putting their nose in there. They're oaky. It's berry. Get out of here. They must know something. You give your life to it. You've got to know something. I don't know. I'd like to see a blind taste test. You ever seen a suave shampoo? They put it in all these different bottles and they asked everybody, what's the difference with scientists? And they were like, it's all the same. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

and per plus and organic whatever bullshit. It's all the same. Yeah. People just follow. They just have these political talking points. And then when you ask them one follow up question, they're like, what? I saw this video of this college kid, this girl.

She was like, I'm sick and tired of straight white men getting things that were designed for us. And they're taking things that we deserve and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the interviewer was like, what's one thing that the straight white man has gotten from this university that you haven't gotten? And she was like, I have to go to class.

And I'm like, yeah, I get it. It's like he took that YouTube video and got a lot of hits. Yeah. I was just like, you know, yeah. If you're going to fucking protest something, just have reasons why you're doing it. Do the research. Don't just do it because everybody else is doing it. Part of being young is having that angst and not knowing why, I feel like. Sure. This person was 45 going back to school. Yeah.

And now it's all over the internet. Before it was like annoying young people were annoying and you go, all right, whatever. And you move on. But now it's like in your face on TikTok. It must be embarrassing, you know, being young and having this weird record of just doing dumb shit. Do you see Dina? Dina Hashem, what she posted? What she posted? Oh, it was great. You know, she got kind of canceled or whatever for making that rapper joke years ago and like death threats and I'm going to come to your house and kill you. It was crazy. She got doxxed. She got doxxed. Horrible. And people actually showed up to her house.

I don't know about that. She flipped out. She was really scared. It fucked her up. Whatever. So she posted the other day. Where is it? She showed the direct message. It's on her stories. It might be gone by now. But she showed the direct message. It was like, I'm going to kill you, bitch. You talk like that about a rapper. I'm going to come to your house and slit your throat. And then that was 2018. You can see the date.

One message later, I can't believe I was this cringe. Sorry. And you're like, whoa, people can change. People can wake up. A couple years later, they were like, geez, that was large. Still fucked that guy. Yeah. Still great that you had some growth, but you're writing to someone you're going to slit their throat. Yeah, but you got a thousand of those. That's the truth. There is truth to that, what Sam's saying too, because I think about that a lot as well. I'm like...

you know, yes, so-and-so, we're all different, whatever, but it's like, I was 18 once. I've been through controversies. I never told anyone I wanted to slit their throat or do this or that. I wasn't DMing women violent threats. Yeah. I think progress is good, but also, like, I'm not going to celebrate his fucking growth. I'm not saying he's a hero, but I think it's a good sign that people can come back to Earth and wake up a little. But no, I agree. This guy's a piece of shit. We want to be in a society of forgiveness. I agree with that, but it's like,

For me, it's like sometimes if the person has that in you, then you have that in you. Like, you know, like if you have it in you, you have it in you. And yes, you've grown. Apology accepted. Fine. But it's also like,

Stay over there. Don't ever come in my space again. It's like, you know. You're evil. You got evil in you. Yeah, you have it in you. So it's like, I don't want to be near that. Yeah. Right now there's this, what do you call the Southern Baptist, the gay hating, God hates. Convention? No, no, the God hates fags people. Westboro. Westboro. Oh, Westboro. Yeah, yeah. Tony DiStefano. The Westboro people. Yeah.

The Westboro people, they're all like, you know, go to gay funerals and pro that. Good. You're going to hell. Gay guy, your gay son sucks, whatever. You're all going to hell. And then a lot of them now have come to light and be like, oh shit, that was crazy. Sorry about that. And I think that's good.

You know, as much as I hate those people and they're ignorant and stupid, it is better than just them staying like that. Yeah, forgiving someone, in my opinion, like you forgive them and whatever, but that doesn't mean you have to be in my life every day. I can forgive you and move on. Good point. But it's like, we don't have to be friends. I think Dina should hang out with that guy. He seems cool. Yeah, I'd pay good money to watch that. I get so angry, dude. I get like, I left the...

I lived at the doctor and... Oh my God, you know what fucking happened to me? This may be a bit here, but this happened to me. I was leaving the doctor yesterday. They fucked up my appointment. Like, I took it down very...

No way it was my fault. I was like, you took it. I sound fun to date right now. There's no way this was my fault. No, they gave me the, they took down the wrong date. So I go in there like, no, this is your fault. I said, no, it's not. I took this down correctly. And the woman starts laughing in my face. And I was like,

you know my neck's in pain you're laughing at a person in a hospital and she just goes she goes i'm sorry oh but i still was angry i'm like what do i do with this anger that's big of her though i know that's bigger for her to say sorry i know no i appreciate it but now you gotta punch something because you gotta get it out somewhere yeah can i still hit you in the face real quick right he's like all right yeah

No, I... Oh, sorry. I was walking my dog yesterday on my block, and a car pulled up, and the window rolled down, and this woman just dropped a can of Coke out the window. Oh, I hate that shit. And I'm, like, right in line with her, so I'm eyeballing her. I'm walking the dog, and she hits me with, I lit her. I was like, all right, you win. I like it. All right.

I'm a bitch. Deal with it. I'm a murderer. There's acceptance in the honesty of it. Yeah. Anyway, well, I was telling my mom this whole thing that happened afterwards. I'm on the phone with my mom and I'm complaining about it because it took her a while to apologize. She didn't just say, I'm sorry. I was like, this is really rude. And I kept my cool, but I wanted to call her a horrible name. It's hard for her to process she has a GED.

I'm telling my mom this shit and my mom, I go, what a trash bag of a humor. My mom goes, where did you learn to speak like this? I don't speak like this. And I'm thinking like maybe the angle for the bit could be like, yeah, men my age don't learn to speak from their mother.

You think guys are just having confrontations and as I'm walking out, I'm like, I have never. Ever. I said good day. How dare you? I'm going to write a letter. I'm going to get your father. That's a funny bit. Maybe there's a bit there. Definitely a bit. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't teach you to speak like this. Yeah, yeah. I also know a lot of dirty talk. You didn't teach me that either, lady. No, they put the needle. I went today. I got the neck injection and it's so weird having to leave

Because I'm like, hey, guys, hurry up. I'm there for a while. I'm like, hurry up. I've got to be somewhere. I've got to be at a work thing. And they're like, oh, you have a work thing? And I'm like, I have to get drunk in the afternoon. Please. Podcast. Yeah. But no, man. But she did apologize. So that's good. She apologized. I did appreciate that. And I saw her again today, and there was like a nod. I didn't. It was, you know. Oh.

There was no... Listen, people acknowledge they mess up. That's fine. I think it's the... Yeah, when the people who like... They get so insecure about their fuck up that they're just like, well, now I'm going to just stand for it. That's because it's like there's a dishonesty there. Yes. But being honest about it, it's like, you know, it's like in the Revolutionary War, Major John Andre, he got... He was British and he got caught spying for the British. And because he was a major...

They said, George Washington said, well, you know, you're a major. So you spied, though. And he was like, listen, I spied. I know I spied. You guys caught me. I'm not even trying to deny this. I'm a spy. And because of that, they were like, look, the penalty is

for this is firing squad. That's what happens. But since you're the major and you were honest, we're going to let you hang yourself. Well, you can hang instead. We have to kill you one way or another. You have to get executed. Wow. But they let him like choose his own execution because it's like the worst version of the prices, right? Yeah. You either get firing squad or you eat Viking shit ravioli. Yeah. So what did he do?

He hung himself. That's probably better. Is this from the David McCullough book?

I'm sure they mentioned it, but I just know that this is actually, I actually learned about Major John Andre from the show called Turn. It was about the Washington, George Washington spiring, Culpepper spiring. Very interesting. But what they do is, for him, what they did is rather than just letting him hang there and let his eyes bulge out of his head, they wrapped the noose around his neck and then they brought him up to the next branch up and they just let him drop so he broke his neck. Whoa.

It's an instant death. That's better. Better. Not great. Be honest, kids. Don't spy, I guess. That might help your dick. I feel a lot better right now after this injection. What did they inject you with? Cortisone? No, it wasn't cortisone. I couldn't be drinking those cortisone. It was some sort of... Yeah, you can. I mean, I have, but you're not supposed to. Yeah.

No, but I'm glad it's. Yeah, because that neck shit, having like a debilitating injury like that, it just makes you feel like it reminds you to be grateful when you're not. Because a lot of times we're only, you know, reminded of, you know, being grateful when we're in pain or really sick. But it's like you got to think about it every day. So true. Got to be grateful every day. Because the neck goes out. You have a bad night's sleep and you're like, oh, this sucks.

and I never think about when it's not bad. It sucks. And I'm like trying to exercise through it all the time, but I'm just in pain. It sucks. But also you don't want to be that dude who's like complaining all the time. And I already complain all the time. I'm a comic. It's like, you know. Yeah, I know. How about those OnlyFans twins?

Oh, from my Instagram? Yeah, they were pretty hot, right? What happened? They were pretty hot, yeah. I missed this. Oh, they were in San Diego, yeah. You did. Everybody's talking. We were talking about the mall trip, the guys who I was with. I've been potting all day. I haven't seen this. You got hit up by twins? No, they were in the crowd, and they were like pretty hot OnlyFans twins. What? It's hilarious. We were all jerking off to Sam Morrill's Instagram. And I literally... And literally...

A girl I'm seeing is like, did you sleep with them? And I was like, I spent the night with you. What are you talking about? She's like, I'll ask you again. They were really smoking hot. Oh, really? Do they show themselves? They should have thrown up their OnlyFans. Someone tagged them. Someone in my comments tagged them. I think they're pretty popular. A big screen here. There we go. Look at these twins in slow. And then, of course, there was an OnlyFans guy there, too. Ah!

With his girl. Where he's like, I just show cock. Was that the Crest Theater? No, that was the Balboa. Oh, Balboa was a good theater too, right? Yeah, it was beautiful. I love San Diego. San Diego is one of the best. Beautiful women too. San Diego. Nice Republican gem. It is red. It's purple. Yeah, it's purple. I'm kidding, yeah.

But no, San Diego is a great comedy crowd. Great crowds. That club, that American comedy company there was always cool because they'd give you weed and edibles and stuff right in the green room there if you wanted. I couldn't work there because he called my agent the C word in all caps. And that...

That cost a lot of clients work. And then he would always offer way more money than what the comedy store offered. But I was like, I guess I'm going to go with the one that didn't call her. You almost hope the other club is like, can you call her a cunt too? This one has more money. But now we got Berkowitz. So he's like, call me a cunt all day. Yeah, I like it. It turns me on. The club just explodes. What the hell? Berk's upset if you don't call him a cunt. He's like, what the fuck? I thought we were doing a good deal here.

You're supposed to tell me you want to kill me and my family. It's so funny. Chris and I have this like power agent, but then he's just at the Knicks game the other night and he's just texting me and he's just like, I'm so sad. It's just like, it's so weird to see a guy who's you just used to be like, fuck you. Give me the best deal. And you're like, yeah. Then he's just like, I'm not, I'm not happy. He's just like one of us. Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, I know he was like, it's so beautiful to see the way you are with your daughters. Sometimes I want a family like that. I'm like, no, you don't. You need to be a fucking hard-ass motherfucker. Don't go soft on me. Yes. Keep yelling at strangers. You're rooting against them having a life at all. No. I'm like, I want you to get a vasectomy now. You're always available. It's great. I want you to be mad.

He reps like Bill Burr and Kevin Hart and he still gets back to like all our techs because he just doesn't stop working. Wow. It's pretty awesome. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. That's what you want. I'm waiting. I remember one time I had an agent who accidentally sent me, I think it was like JB Smoove's offer. And it was like something, this was like a few years ago. It was like, he sent me, he was like, hey.

got the money up you're gonna be making you know a hundred grand for this thing and i was like oh my god yes i like told my family like you know like it was like that um from our fresh prince of bel-air when the butler thinks he won the lottery and it's like telling everyone fuck you fuck you and then he was like sorry man that was for jb smooth yeah he was like you're a 1500 for cap city now

You're literally like, I'm going to be Leon on Curb. And they're like, no, you're not. You're the new Caesar sports book guy. He's a really cool guy, JB. Great guy. I barely know him. Couldn't be nicer. A couple times I met him, he was like the nicest dude. I did Jim and Sam with him once. I don't know what he said. We talked the whole time. I didn't understand any of it. But then he took photos with us after. He was super nice. One of the first opportunities I ever got when I was just doing comedy as a full-time job was I got to be

in a Nike commercial for Carmelo Anthony's when he was on the Knicks like his new sneakers oh wow and J.B. Smoove was like the lead guy and I was like somebody on the train that like would talk to him whoa pull it up yeah Chris DiStefano Carmelo Anthony J.B. Smoove Nike commercial I don't know I didn't even know you did this yeah yeah it was like it was like 2013 and wow

And just to- What was it for? It was for Carmelo Anthony's like sneaker- Nike? Nike sneaker. Yeah, it had to be Nike. Yeah, I think it was Nike. Is this it, Jordan? Stay mellow. This was it. Stay mellow. So this is the fortune teller one. Yeah, that's me and him. Oh, look at that honker. Yeah, and then we did one on a train. So you got to meet Mello too. No, Mello didn't come. Yeah. But- Wow. But watching- You're right with him. Right with him. Yeah, oh.

Yeah, I just... I was doing comedy like, whatever, two years. Someone made $100,000 for this. It's great. Yes. Yep. And so... Those are pretty cool shoes. They were good. They were comfortable. Did they give you a pair? Yeah. Not only did they give me a pair, they gave...

They gave me a pair of the Carmelos, and then they gave me 10—because it's all with Jordan. They gave me 10 pairs of Jordans. Like, from—like, the 1s, the 2s, the 5s. They gave me the Laneys. They gave me all these different types of Jordans. And then my daughter had just—no, that wasn't—I got—

in with Nike in a way. And then when my daughter was born, a couple of years later, they sent her like 10 pairs of Jordans with Nike sweatset, Jordan sweatsets for like each year. Like I still have Jordans and they went all the way up to size 10 for like, they were so cool. But then I don't know what happened. I lost contact with them. But anyway, watching Carmela, watching JB Smoove,

interact on a set and keep it funny the whole time and learn everybody's name. I was like, oh shit. Watching him, I was like, oh, okay. So he's a humongous star and he acts this way. So it's like, don't ever think that you're bigger than you are because I saw a guy at his level be so kind and down to earth and cool. I was like, the ones who you see or hear about are just like dicks to everybody. I think they're just really insecure and they don't want to be bigger than they are because the ones who are confident don't act that way.

Every story you read about Nicholson on set back in the day, he was like the coolest dude. He was awesome to everybody and you're like, yeah, that's what you fucking do. But that shouldn't even be celebrated. That's how it should be. We've all had that headliner that you opened for who was super mean and you're like, but I don't even respect you. You suck. You're bombing every night. You're a hack. You have a puppet. Yeah. You hear that, Dunham? No.

No. Did you ever work with him? I never worked with him. He seems like a nice guy, Jeff Dunham. He's a zillionaire. Oh, my God, dude. He sells out arenas like we sell out one night. Exactly. It's just like he's...

I was doing Dallas. I was doing the House of Blues or something in Dallas a few months ago, and he was doing the arena. Yeah. People for his show at my hotel. And I was going down the elevator and one of the kids that was with his family recognized me. He's like, oh, you're here. I was like, yo, you guys coming to the show? They're like, no, we're going to see Jeff Dunham. Yeah. I was like, oh, man.

I know. But then when my show, I realized my show ended at like 8.30. I was doing 7 o'clock shows. His only started at 8. I was like, oh, I want to get in. Yeah. I want to see him, but I couldn't get in. Oh, that's my Jeff Dunham alarm. It's interesting that you did that ad with Mello and JB. I mean, it's so amazing. These athletes just get paid. They don't even have to show up. I know. You're just into like a clip of him with a basketball. No, I'll tell you. I'll be honest. This was 2013. I had...

No money. Had just started. But I, me, I had two lines in that. They gave me $100,000. Wow. $100,000 of like, I couldn't believe it. Like, I remember I was crying. My dad was like, because that was like the first time I ever made anything. Yeah. You know? And so I was like, holy shit. So I was thinking even back then, if I got $100,000, I'm like, nothing. Well, you have a shoe deal. What did JB get? What did Carmelo get? You see these ads now where it's like,

Kevin Hart and Iverson and Steph Curry and it's like it looks like they're all photoshopped in it looks like they didn't even all do it they're all so busy that I think they just used CGI or whatever I'm sure they did and just for that like I don't think Kevin Hart's going onto your set for something like a Chase commercial or whatever you have to give him like a million dollars easily easily are they together? there's no way they're together why not? cashback word

They're probably all too busy. Yeah, but they do look a little fuzzy. That's what I'm saying. I bet Kevin was there and the rest weren't.

Because he's got a Visa thing. He's got like a Chase contract, I think. Interesting. That could be the future. Just CGI. Why do we need Chris D? We'll just put a little image up of Chris D. That's it. Why not? Getting his ass in. Oh, I know who I think is gay. Mitchell Robinson. Who's that? I think Mitchell Robinson from the Knicks is gay. It's possible. It would be awesome if he was. I think he is. Pull him up. He's our first gay star. Yeah. I bet I can tell by the way he dribbles. Is Mitchell Robinson gay? I think he is.

Oh, super gay. That's a wrap. He might just have a lisp. I don't know if he's definitely... Mateo pops up from underneath the thing.

We love Mesh. I thought, yeah. I could see it. I thought he was. I love Mitchell Robinson. It'd be great to have an actual NBA superstar. Especially in New York. Who's gay? We need it. Who is it? That might be a nice tactic right now. You're a bubble player or whatever. You're looking for a max deal. You come out of the closet. You're getting it.

That's a good point. You're not getting the deal, but you're getting endorsements. Be gay for the deal. That's my new reality show that I'm pitching. Take it to the butthole. Gay for the deal. Take it to the butthole. Hey, rip job. Do we have any other news stories or we've touched them all? We touched them all? No, we got another one.

Now, is that really a dildo? And he was like, it's a snake. It's a ship and a snake. I read this one. He actually, it was to his ex-girlfriend. Oh.

He was trying to kill her. Yeah. I mean, but that's like, can you imagine you get a package from your ex and you're like, finally, I got my shoes back. Right. And it's a live snake. Whoa. He's like a stalker. He's a creep. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Do you mail stuff back after a breakup? No. No. I mean...

For me, it's like if we break up, you know, I just, anything that you want, there's nothing that I really need or care about that much that I would need to get back. No, I mean, do you send it to her, though? Oh. I usually cut my losses, too. I don't ask for shit back. I just don't care. No, no. Keep the kids. I don't want it. Fuck it. I'm not. I'm moving on. What's the best thing you left behind, Sam?

I don't know. That's a good question. Good question. Probably his heart. I broke up with this girl and we lived together. She was like, I'm coming to take all my stuff. I was like, no problem. She had the key. I was like, I won't be there. She took the fucking soap she bought me. Like half used bar of soap. Wow. That's petty. That's petty. Yeah.

She was mad. I really liked these purple chairs that I had. I had these purple, like, upholstered chairs. And when I moved out, she got to keep the chairs. And then I swear to Christ, like, a month later, maybe three weeks later...

I would like walk past like the old apartment just to like, you know, smell her. Yeah. Whatever I was going through. And the chairs were out on the side of the, by the fire hydrant for garbage collection. Come on. I threw away the fucking chairs. Yeah. And they were all fucked up and had all marks on them and stuff. Whoa. I was like, fuck. I didn't think the ass eating was gay, but the purple of post-credit. Yeah.

You ruined my furniture. Yeah. I'm going to say right now I'm dating Mitchell Robinson. I had an ex once mail me back. I didn't ask for it, but she mailed me back a Julius Randall jersey that I had. Damn. And after this playoffs, I'm like, you could have kept it. Yeah. As a matter of fact, you're the reason why he's playing so bad, you bitch.

But now I'm trying to think it's probably like sports related shit that I left there. That you care about. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I'm just. I don't really. But it's a passive aggressive move sometimes to mail it back. Of course. It's a message. It's a horse head. Sometimes it's them being nice like hey I miss you. I'm sorry. Here's your stuff. But sometimes it's just like no note. Here. Good riddance for my life.

Yeah, I never bring shit over. That's my move. Really? I keep it very separate. Segregation. I like it. I believe in it. But yeah, I don't bring anything over there. And when I break up with them, I take it myself. I don't want to have to get emailed or come back over. I don't want to see them again. Like you like to be where it's done, it's done, it's separate. That's it. We're never talking to each other or seeing each other again. Totally. I usually don't want the shit back. I'm just like, keep it. Even if it's like...

Maybe it was sneakers or something. It's the worst thing I lost. Yeah. It's like, you can buy new sneakers. Yeah. They were never really expensive or anything. True. Well, I'll tell you what. You can't get the Carmelo Anthony sneakers from 2013. Those did not sell well. And I think it had something to do with my commercial. You got paid. I got paid, yeah. So fuck it. Now, you know a lot about history. Yes, I love history, man. You're a buff. I'm a buff, baby. Well, I'm not a buff. I'm not a...

But I like certain parts of history. I like to learn about it because I kind of feel like when you start to delve into history, you realize there's really no new problems. There's just new leaders. There's new technology. But the problems and the way the human mind works, it's been exactly the same since the beginning of time. Yeah, human nature. Nothing's new, man. History repeats itself. And it can be comforting, right? Yeah. Where the hell is he going? He's offended. Divorce? Yeah.

He's got to pick up... Oh, nice. What a good dad. I love it. I wish he was my dad. But it does help. It's like... It gives you comfort that you're like, this shit has all happened before. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like... Cold War with Russia? Been there. But we have the... Dude, vaccine stuff. Really? Oh, yeah. Dude, Benjamin Franklin was one of the first proponents to be like, get... They would call it inoculation back then, not vaccination, but it's like, get inoculated because his son died of...

Typhoid was tuberculosis. It was something was a typhoid. His son died of what they thought at that time to be a preventable disease. A lot of times people would get leeches. You would get I think it was it might have been typhoid where you would get you had it. I would put a leech on you, suck your blood out, infected blood, give myself a little bit of it just enough to make me sick, to build up the antibodies to die.

to beat it. And that, and it was very controversial back then. The same protests that were going on. Interesting. The same exact thing, except it was about leeches and inoculation, not about COVID and vaccination. And you had people for it, people against it, the government getting involved, the same exact thing, just different technologies and different mouthpieces. But the problem is now we have a megaphone. Before you were just like the, I hate the inoculation guy on his porch. It was only a few people in Philly. Yeah. Now it's just like, ah,

It's all over viral, this and that. Everybody has an opinion. Yeah, that is an issue. It's a new factor. Honestly, I think the way to solve that, too, is like...

For me, like I'm on social media. I don't even run my own social media anymore. I'm on social media so infrequently. Really? Because I'm like, I just know the cancer of it. So what happened was for me is really, so I lost like 40 pounds and got off social media. The beginning of the weight loss and the intermittent fasting and the social media coincided with each other. Wow.

It was last August where I was just like, I hate the way I feel in my body and I hate the way my mind is. So I was like, I sat down for like hours one day and I was like, how do you fucking fix this? Like,

Like, you know, I'm always worried. You know, I'm still always worried about my kids, my family. But I was like, take a step away from them just for a few hours. Go sit in a park, which I did. Shout out Fort Wadsworth Park, Staten Island. Sat there. And it was a British stronghold during the Revolutionary War. But then we beat... We got it back because we're Americans. Fuck you, Limeys. Yep. And so I said, figure this out. And the way I came to, I said, I had seen... I was on social media scrolling, like, mindlessly, not thinking. And I saw...

Elon Musk had tweeted, this is not an ad. This is not a plug. I lost a lot of weight using this app called Zero Fasting app, intermittent fasting. And I was like, I feel like that's a sign. I said, take this guy's advice.

Take it and then the mindless scrolling that you're doing, that's stopping tomorrow. Doom scrolling. Yeah. So I did that and I was like – and I don't think that I would have been able to continue my fasting and my weight loss stuff and my like staying focused on what I need to do in my career if I was still on social media. Wow. Because –

I didn't realize subconsciously every day I was comparing myself to somebody else or comparing my life to somebody else's life that was all manufactured anyway. And then when I got rid of that and I started only thinking about me and my life and me and my world, I was like, I'm happy. I have what I want. So what if I'm not selling as many tickets as so-and-so or so what if this guy's more jacked than I am? It doesn't matter. And I don't see it every day.

If I see it, I see it. If I hear now, when, if I hear about a friend doing well, I'm just genuinely happy for them as opposed to comparing myself to them at nauseam all day, every day. So I'm doing great, but you can't take that in because you're comparing. I have a similar problem where I can't feel like the good a lot of

the time it's tough it's like I'll be bummed at one venue is not selling to my agent will be like this is like very good you're doing but that's okay because at least it's I mean it's you know we want to be happy all the time but it's like at least you're only comparing yourself to yourself what would happen to me was I would be in a city and be like oh I sold out Baltimore and then

you know, because of geo tracking and tagging and all that because of these algorithms, I would then see an ad for, you know, you guys are doing Baltimore next week and you have two shows sold out. So then it would automatically make my win feel like a loss when it's not a loss. It's just... There's so much goes into that though. Right. Maybe like, you know, we all tour so much. Maybe you just played a city that was close to it. Right. Maybe it wasn't spaced out enough. Oh yeah, no, no. There's all logical reasons why, but for me, it's like...

you know, like Teddy Roosevelt says, comparison is the thief of joy. And I was like, that's all I do. All social media is to me is a comparison. - Yes, compare and you will despair. - That's it. For us, it's, you know, it's a networking tool and it's a publicity tool. It's a marketing tool to sell our tickets.

So I'm fine with that, but I don't have anything to do with it. I give the guy who runs it the content. I approve the flyers, and then he posts it because that's all I'm using it for. If you're doing it for anything else, then either you're comparing yourself to others or you're comparing you to you at a time in your past, and then what's going to start to happen is you're going to forget that six months ago you took that perfectly crafted picture of yourself once.

with the right lighting and you're like, man, I got to look like that guy again. But you actually look better than that guy. But you forgot that that image of that guy was just perfectly crafted and not real. So I don't even compare me to me. I only compare me to like present day me. Was I better yesterday? Am I trying to get a little bit better than yesterday? That's okay. But when you're talking about me from a year ago, I'm like, I don't know. So many things have happened since then. But we forget that. And then also not taking in

The social media comments. Yes, the negative. Everybody knows about the negative of how much it hurts no matter what. But the positive, too. The positive will throw your ego off. The positive will make you kind of, you know, you'll get like this kind of version of yourself that like you have no balance. And you're like, oh, these people are saying I'm awesome, so I must be. Or these people saying I suck, I must be. When it's like really like both are probably true. Right. So you stay in the middle. We're all okay. Yeah.

World War. And it's like, you know, and I just think like. And you got to compare yourself to what you wanted to be. If you could see yourself now from 2010 or 2011, you'd be like, what the fuck can I complain about? Think about any of us sitting at Caroline's March Madness thing that we did in 2012. If any of us had the careers we have now, we'd be like, we would never complain.

Oh, are you kidding? But yet it's 10 years later and all we do is complain. All we do is complain. You've got to be grateful. I complain about little dumb things. That's like, I'm just irritable. You don't have to speak about the Chinese like that. But no, I'm happy. I'm pretty happy. I hope so. I hope you can absorb and take it in because...

All of us, what we've done is pretty insane. No, I think there's moments... You just fought with the doctor today. Yeah, but that's a little thing. You fought with the neck doctor. I'm like, why? No, I get cranky, but I'm happy genuinely. Little moments throw me off, but they don't throw me off like a day. Well, listen, but that's the thing. Like, what...

what I'm saying about me and social media and my fasting, it works for me because I needed to do that. But you may not need to do that. It's like some of us, like we're here having a casual drink and it's fine, but some of our peers, if they did that, they'd be dead in a week. So it's like whatever, you gotta find what works for you. I think that's what this game of life is. It's like, what works for you? - You gotta have discipline too, 'cause my lady's obsessed with TikTok

And she'll just, she won't get her eyes off it. We'll put a movie on. She can't stop. We're at a restaurant. I have to take her phone away from her. And then she'll delete TikTok because she's like, it's ruining my life. And I'm like, great, good for you. Two days later, back on the phone. I'm like, whatever. She's like, I got TikTok again. And I'm like, you're it. She'll find a reason to justify why she needs it. It's so sophisticated what they do to hook you in. I mean, they literally take the shit you look at the most. That's the type of stuff they feed you. You know what I get a lot? Here's a TikTok peeve.

A TTP. A TTP. The people who are cooking but just like on their counter.

They're making nachos, but they're just like throwing everything. They're not using a tray. It's just like chips, sour cream, cheese. I'm like, that's your table. These super cuts. Yeah. A mouse ran across that thing an hour ago. They don't care. Yeah. Yeah. But she loves that shit. I hate it. She's all over those. I mean, look, I watch, but I mean, that's why, I mean, I clearly on some level, I'm into this cooking stuff or like food stuff, but- Right. Right.

I know, but I think it is bad and it consumes so much of our brain space. I think I write less jokes and have less ideas because of the internet. You're not giving yourself that moment to just be isolated. We used to have that moment so much more where you would just be

Louie used to call it like being in the abyss. Yeah, that's a great thing. You need that. He once said to me, he's like, put the fucking phone down and be in the abyss. That's where the jokes come from. What does he mean by that? Just in the isolation, alone, feel the sadness. And that's when the thoughts will come in. He's right. He's completely right. I mean, he did that bit

on panel once. Great bit. He doesn't want his kids to have a phone because you get to just look at the phone and not feel sad. He's like, but feeling sad is a part of being a human. And you got to learn to deal with that or else you'll never be able to deal with it. Right. I just think it's good for creativity to not have a crutch to just lean on. Yes, yes. Because sometimes those low moments is when something really funny hits you. Like,

you know, I was cranky about the doctor. I'm like, well, maybe that's a joke. What I just, you know what I mean? Like you have those things where you're like, if I just looked at my phone and was like, I'm cranky. You don't, you have to just like let yourself feel cranky for a second. And then it goes away and you're good. My mom told me once I would, you know, call her or whatever, like every other day. And you know, it was like after months and months and months of like always calling her, she was like, you're always calling me like when you're driving alone. And I was like, yeah, I mean like I'm bored. I don't want to just be in the car alone driving to wherever. She was like, but you should be.

She was like, you feel like you're making up reasons to call people because you don't want to be alone. She was like, but you should just practice being alone. And it's a baby step to just hang yourself. That's what I ate on in my childhood bedroom next to her. I'm like, and the note is, you made me do this. No, but she's right. Like, and now I think about that. Sometimes I still cave and I'm like, make up a reason to call a friend or text a friend or a family member. But I'm like, yes, you like, we're so scared. We never really have to be alone because of our phones. But like.

Being alone is like, it's a great, great thing. - Yeah, it is. - It's scary though. - That was so much of our early years of the comic. - Oh yeah. - It's just being in a hotel room and just being like, I have to write 'cause I'm alone. - I gotta do it. - Right. Where now we take all these people with us and it's great, we've leveled up, but it's like, yeah, it's less time to write, less time to be creative.

Or we're creative in another way, I guess, with the filming and all that stuff. And you got to do podcasts and that's time consuming. So yeah, we need more content now and we have less time. Well, that's something I've been actually actively thinking about. And that's why I think like I'm trying to get more into like

or like quality over quantity because I'm like, you know, I started comedy and got into comedy because I didn't want a day job and we've put so much stuff on our plate that it's a day job now. Sure. Right? It's a thing. It's a beast you have to feed over and over and over again. Oh, yeah. And I'm not saying it doesn't have to be like that because it might just be like this is the phase where it has to be like that but I'm trying to actively think of ways where it doesn't have to be like that.

Yeah. It's like you can just like get out of it because it's like every week I'll look at my schedule and I'll be like, oh, I'm not on the road this week. I have nothing to do. And then it's every day is podcast meetings, this, that. And it's like. Well, you realize there's power in saying no to shit. And I think that's something that we forget because so many years of just unpaid gig, shitty paid gig, weird thing that you have to just end. Like you don't ever. I remember Mike DiStefano. You don't say no to nothing like that. Right.

You're like, all right. And then you get to a point where like you can say no. I mean, I had a meeting like a general meeting and I was like,

There was something I wanted to do this day, and now it's like in the middle of my day. I can't do anything. And I was like, fuck this shit. Why am I doing this? There's no reason. By the way, in my opinion, too, especially with social media and what we do for a living, there's no reason to ever have a general meeting. You see what I... Yes. Just make the choice, man. Google me. My life is on the internet. Exactly. And we have the same cut. You give me a water. You go, how you been? Doing the road. Yeah, we'll be in touch. Shut up. You got any ideas? Actually, I do. Okay, bye.

It's just one of those things where you realize you can say no. You don't have to do everything. I think people expect us to do everything. And you don't have to. There are days where you could just be like, I'm going to take a day off. Well, I think too, going back to Italy, that's another thing that I learned is they're okay with you not getting better every day. And it's a very American ideology that we have to be the best. And we'll always say, whatever happened to that guy? It's like, well, to them, that's a part of life. It's like...

You get really big and successful and whatever, and you're good. But it's like, if it doesn't always stay going up, that's fine. You're going to level off. That's like being a human being where like, we look at that as like, no, so-and-so fell off when I can't go backwards. They look at that as like, what are you talking about? They had a great year last year. Now they're having a normal year this year. That's part of life. What's the difference? It's no like, so it's just our way of looking at things sometimes where, especially being New Yorkers and in entertainment, uh,

It's like we're always like, we got to keep getting better. I don't want to sell a 2,000-seater this week and then a 500-seater next week. It's like, well, if that's what happens, that's what happens. I know. That hurts. Well, sometimes you're doing so much radio and so much –

so many podcasts, 'cause you're like, fuck, I gotta sell more tickets for this gig. I'll get on this podcast, I'll do this, I'll do that. And then you're like, maybe I could just take a W and not trying to keep adding shows. - That too. - But it's hard for us. I think you're right, we're wired in a way where we have to keep leveling up. - So what I've been doing mostly now though, there's not every weekend, but like, for example, I just came from Albany, right?

And at the Egg, great venue. And I could have added a second show. I sold out my show like two months in advance. So I could have easily added a second show and come close to selling out. But I didn't because I was like, what's more worth it for me? We're in Albany. The show's at seven o'clock. It's two hours away from home. Is the extra money that I'm going to make on the second sellout

worth it to get home at 4 a.m. or have to get home the next day and not be able to take my kid on the bus to school? Or can I get home by 1130, get a good night's sleep and take my daughter to school in the morning and sacrifice the money? And I sacrificed the money. And it's like,

It was so much better to walk my daughter to school. And that's what the money's for is to do stuff like that. Yeah, and I do that a lot now. And you can go back. It's not like you can't go back. It's like I could have added a show even in Ithaca if I wanted to. But you know what? Instead, I got done at 830 and I had like a great dinner. This motherfucker runs upstate New York. Yeah, baby. I'm the fucking real Cuomo. Nipple rings and all. Hell yeah. I'll sexually assault everybody.

And so I, you know, instead had like a great dinner with Mike Cannon was on the road with me. Hey, Mike. And I had a great dinner with Mike Cannon and we had fun. And I was like, this is as opposed to, you know, eating pizza in between sets. Right. Just being buried in our notebooks, not talking. I'm like, not everything is money, man. Like not. Yes. I feel like you got to. What I've tried to do is like make money as a currency that I need for me and my family to survive. But it's not the only currency I deal in.

It's like time is a currency. Oh, huge. Being away from my family is a currency. So I evaluate all that shit. Freedom is a currency. Freedom is a currency. So I'm like, if I don't want to do the second show, even though it's leaving money on the table, it's like, well, that's not the only thing I deal with. I'm getting time back and I'm getting, you know, stress back. And the people will be there next year. Yes, exactly. Yeah, it's a...

Unless there's another Wuhan Weezer. But we're not going anywhere, too. We're in this for the long haul. We'll be doing comedy for years. And that's why you have to protect yourself. Yes. And not run yourself down. I mean, look, I have a hard time saying no to gigs. Same. I'm out for like 12 days at a time, but I do kind of like it, man. But you like it. Here's the thing. If you like it, do it. I like it. That's the thing. So if you like it, you like it. I like not. I like... But you have...

Kids. But again, if I didn't, I would be like, be out, have fun. But for me, it's like...

you know i don't uh you know i don't even with radio city like you know burke was like you should add a second a second show at radio city on the same night will sell out quicker than theater at msg most likely but i was like yeah but then i have to do two in one night it's new york it's big for me it's my family's gonna be there my daughter's gonna be there i don't wanna yeah then what then i like can't really focus on them it's like we have a whole dinner plan like i'd rather just

take my chances, do the show the next night at the theater at MSG and see what happens. Maybe I sell it out, maybe I don't. And that's another thing too, like with Radio City, it sold out so quick that then we put a theater at MSG on sale and that wasn't selling as quick. Of course not. And the people in my team were like, oh, maybe this is big, maybe this is a stake. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, we're forgetting to celebrate

the win of Radio City. Good for you. I'm glad you said that. Forget about the theater at MSG. If it sells no tickets, who gives a fuck? Radio City sold out. Yeah, good point. That's what this was about. Great point. So I've kind of released myself from it and I've released myself from like the comparison. Go buy Chris. Oh, yeah. Please, please. If I don't sell out theater at MSG, I'll kill myself. And I might be there in November or so. Yeah, so. And if I kill myself, Sam can take my day. It's a good date, September 23rd.

Definitely buy the Ghosts of Christmas. It's a great show. Can we get the, I guess we don't have the Google, bitch, but can we get his dates up here? Yeah, there it is. Tiki Wiki. All I got right now on sale is the only thing you can get tickets for is theater at MSG September 23rd. Oh, perfect. I might be adding, I'm going to be adding a fall tour, but it's not on sale yet, so just go get those tickets in New York. And check out his Netflix special. He's got podcasts up the yin-yang. Christy Chaos. Hey, babe. Yeah, patreon.com slash Christy Comedy. Yeah, man. We're fucking doing it. Hell yeah.

Hit me up for your investment advice. Yes. And a Netflix special, Special Weshie. Chris is hilarious. One of the best. Comedy Central specials. Oh, yeah. Terrific comic. I'm sure most of you know him anyway, but, you know. Yeah. Check it out. And drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. And thanks for the goddamn donuts, baby. When does this come out?

June 4th. Oh, good day. See me. I'll be that week. Yeah, you got me. Greensboro. Oh, Greensboro, North Carolina. Asheville. Oh, the orange peel is great in Asheville. I can't wait. Knoxville, Memphis, moving slowly. Help me out, guys. Birmingham, Chattanooga, Nashville, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. You get the gist. You can't sell in Memphis? You're falling off, man. You gotta

You gotta work harder. You keep saying no to shit. Samuel.com. All right, I'm all be in Australia during this time. So if you're there, come see me. I can't wait. I haven't been in years. Got a lot of dates. We're adding shows and come on out. I'm not coming back for a while. So say hello. And then I'll be announcing a theater tour in July. And the special is coming out in late July. So,

Praise Allah. Good stuff cooking. Be nice to yourself. Get some time. Get some freedom. Play with your kids. Say no. Get a cupcake. And go fuck yourself. Thanks a lot. Quiff it up. Thank you, guys. Bye. What an F!