Ep 13: Old Fashioned & Fat Tire
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One more drink, one more drink, and for sure we gon' stink. 5 a.m. you pricks, the barkeep frowned. This is what we do, catch up for a few. We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Hey, here we are. Sunday, the sun is shining. It's beautiful out in New York City and we're inside and there are caves.

Drinking liquor. You hear this sound? Ooh, is that a fat tire? It's a fat tire, baby. Are you a big fat tire guy? I'm like a Native American. Oh, I love fat tire. I'm a Native American with my ear on the tracks. I could just see that cap and hear that click, and I knew it was a fat tire. I wasn't even showing you the label. That was pretty impressive. Oh, I used to drink a lot. I still do, apparently. But yeah, I love fat tire. Underrated. Underrated, and it's what Detective Bosch drinks. Oh!

Love it. Bosch is like, he eats well. If you haven't seen that show, it's like perfect because it's like, it's like a detective who's got the sweetest apartment ever overlooking Los Angeles. And he just got it because he, the backstory is that he, he consulted on like some movie back in the day in Hollywood and that got him the money to have a sweet pad. So he's like, he can't, he can't climb the ranks because he breaks all the rules, but he's still got a sweet apartment.

That's such a great little backstory for a TV show. Because every TV show has this insane apartment, especially in New York. The Friends women have that amazing apartment. One of them's a coffee shop lady or whatever. One's a musician, barely. That's like a $6 million apartment. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I love that...

I love that you have a good backstory. I also love shows like Bosch where it's like every character is angry. Like every character and every scene is in a bad mood. Like every detective walks in like, fuck you, Santiago. That's how like every scene starts. I love it. That's so true. Uh,

Yeah, I tried. I watched that show. It's great. And I watched it with my lady, and she was like, I don't get it. I'm like, what are you kidding? This show's awesome. This guy's a badass. It's all about noir, detective, Los Angeles. And she was like, it just seems like a grump. I was like, get out of here. He's always in a bad mood. He's always in a bad mood. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I love it. It's never like...

Daylight, they're never by a pool There's never kids playing It's just night, murder, chalk outline And like a scotch I have a question for you Because I have an upset stomach right now And it's like, it's funny how So I did like spicy Thai food I stayed in last night, I did a Zoom with a bunch of friends from college And went like four hours So I went through like a bottle of wine

I still count that as drinking alone, by the way. It is. Yeah. But Zoom, you're not fooling me with that. Oh, I mean, but you know what? It's like it was like a four hour Zoom and you're like, shit, this is I don't know if it's like more tiring because by the last hour I was yawning every like 30 seconds. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know if like I think the Zoom hang is way more exhausting because you're just staring at a screen. It's not like if I was just hanging with them in a room, I think it would have been fine. But like the Zoom, the Zoom hang is tough.

I completely agree because you're on a screen. So, yeah, you have to be performing and it's all face to face. Not much else is face to face for four hours. You know, you kind of look off to the side, you put a TV show on, you're drinking, whatever it is. But that is just locked in for the whole time.

It's weird because everyone talks about like working remote and how it's going to be the new normal after this but it's like, sometimes it's just nice to be around humans man I fucking I'm, I love that we're like with you it's, it does, it's not as hard because I think we're just, we got a thing. Yeah. But I mean this would be easier in person we'll get it going in person once the fat black opens maybe.

Yeah, so you got the comedy seller behind you. Got the olive tree, baby. That's nice. Yeah, I completely agree. I think you got to get out. You got to mingle. You got to be around pheromones and people have energies and vibes and all that shit. It's like phone sex versus regular sex. You know, like phone sex has its place. You can still get a boner, but I mean, without the hot breath and the

tinge of BO and a queef or whatever it is. It's not living. It's not the same.

Without the queef You know what, it's true Speaking of sex, I think this summer is going to be like fucking Woodstock Don't you think? People are just going to be like Yeah, I'll fuck that guy, what the hell Totally, I mean this is the time to be single It's going to be roaring 20s It's going to be sunshine And no condoms, no mask We're going to double down Because there's been so much built up What do you call it? Repressed

I'm going two condoms, two masks. I call it the Fauci deluxe. I know I I yeah, I think this summer is going to be completely crazy. People are going to be bottled up. They're going to be going nuts. I think like block parties might be coming back. Shit's going to be crazy.

Oh yeah, all that shit, like sewing circles and hanging out on the porch and picnics Picnics are gonna be big All that shit in the park is coming back Beach stuff, it's gonna be wild What are you drinking, by the way? Oh yeah, I went old-fashioned Oh, look at that, that's a nice glass, dude Thank you, thank you Yeah, I got a set for a housewarming gift once and I still use them Old-fashioned, what kind of bourbon are you using?

I went with Teely's. Is that right? Don't know it. It's an Irish. It's actually an Irish whiskey. T-E-E-L-Y-S. I might have said. Jamie Lynn gave it to me. She rules. Shout out Jamie Lynn. Yeah. Let me double check I got that right. Teely whiskey. Oh, fuck. I don't want to piss her off. Teeling. Teeling. Sorry. Not Teely. Teeling. But it's pretty damn good. Yeah, dude. Alcohol is good.

I don't put the sugar cube in it, so it's not as girly. I want less sugar in my alcohol. That's like my... I just... And it's like... Because if you have one, it's fine. But if you have like four, you're like, all right, now I have like a sugar high. You know? Yes, exactly. Well, let me go back to the Zoom thing for a minute because this is fascinating to me. What the hell do you guys do for four hours? Are you playing...

Go fish? Are you talking about movies? Or you have games? What is it? Everything, you know No games We're just catching up I mean, I haven't seen them forever I feel like I'm the guy who missed out on a lot of stuff Because I was doing comedy So I missed the weddings I missed, you know, this Because I was doing Like, I can't not take this gig When I'm starting out So...

So I feel like I gotta show up, you know? Yeah, yeah You kind of get it all out in one big full blowout Four hours, here you go, I haven't seen you in six months Yeah, I mean, I think that's kind of how you gotta do it these days That's the weird thing too, is like Now that this has become the new normal with Zoom You kind of catch up with more and more people that you just never saw Yeah And that's draining Totally, totally, yeah, yeah, it really is I like...

I guess it's like my parents, you know, when I lived at home, I stayed up in my room. They annoyed the shit out of me and I barely saw them. And then when I moved to New York, they're calling me every day because they're nervous and freaking out or you're out of the house now. Talk to us. And I was like, I still want to keep avoiding you.

What's that? Do you talk to them every day? No, no. But my mom will text and be like, oh, your brother read this book. He thought you might like it. And I'm like, it's a book about coding. Yeah, you got me there, mom. There's an article about Roseanne in The New Yorker. I'm like, so what? She's like, well, she's a comedian. I'm like, oh, jeez. I get a lot of those.

Yeah, it's nice. They mean well, but it's also very it's it's like the least amount of effort you can do. Like, hey, I saw Joy Behar tripped and fell on 48th Street. You should hear about that. She's a comedian. I'm like, Joy Behar. Come on, we're scraping the barrel here. Yeah, no, my folks do that, too. Anything in The New York Times about comedy. And it's like, you know.

I've seen it probably. Like if it's in the New York Times on comedy, I'm like, it's been passed around our community, but it's cute that they do it. But you were in Cincinnati. Cincinnati, just got back today. It was one of those shit flights where they're like, you can take the 7 a.m. or the 7 p.m. I'm like, give me the 7, let's just get it over with. And then the airport is an hour away from the hotel. It's in Kentucky, right?

Yeah, it's in Kentucky and that club is in the fucking burbs So not only do you have to get there an hour early You gotta leave an hour early to get there an hour early So you just kill yourself on sleep And then we watch the UFC fight which doesn't end until 2am Is it, like, that's what I hate when these clubs are kind of like We're in Cincinnati and then they're like It's like the people are like, I'm from New York City And you're like, where? And they're like, Long Island You're like, alright, just say New York then Yes

Yeah, there's a lot of Jersey. Well, you get an older crowd, too. So you're expecting, like, if it's downtown Cincinnati, you're getting, like, the young people. But is Cincinnati Skyline Chili? Is that their thing? That's it. That was my opener every night. Skyline jokes, chili jokes, shitting blood, miscarriage, yada, yada. But not only are they older, but these are, like, older suburbanite Christian conservative, which, look, I'm fine with. I don't give a shit what you are. I'm glad you came out, but, like...

I got eight minutes on how God is stupid and Biden smelling children and all this shit. And it was a little heavy. You take a Bible out, you start wiping your ass with it. You're like, no, this is my closure. You guys got to see this. This is good. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's better. It's ironic. Yeah.

But they weren't having, I kind of had a couple walkouts. It's always weird. You're like, man, I had a great set. This crowd loved me. I killed. All right. And then I get to the green room and they're like, all right, good. We got one more show. About 28 people walked out on that one. I'm like, what? You know, because it's so dark. But hey, better not know. Do they do comment cards?

No, I think that's over I don't know, I remember I used to I used to read them I was like, let me see the bad ones It'd be like Twitter for even older people You know what I mean? It was kind of funny, but uh

Yeah, that's so you notice them walking as you as you're eating shit. No, I didn't notice. That's what I'm saying. Like, I was like, that went great. And then they would be like, oh, yeah. But they would just be trying to start up a conversation like, yeah, but 28 people walked. I hope I hope it didn't bother you. I'm like, I didn't know that. Jesus, that's hilarious. That's fucking hilarious. You walk 28 people. Yeah. One show. I mean, there's there's a, you know, 150 in there. So that's a good chunk.

That is a big chunk. I got a cool. I think I'm, you know, you know what it is. The hour is new. We're trying to find new material. So you tend to say more fucks. You tend to go dirtier because you're like, I need some reaction. This is all barely finished material. That's so, yeah, that's interesting. I feel the same way. It's like you kind of, when you're writing a new hour, it's like, you know, you get to like, you get to like 50 minutes of ideas and then you go back out and you're like, all right, I'm down to 35.

That's even got potential. And then you're like, all right, well, really, it's like 25. And then you kind of got to start building back up. And you're like, fuck. I mean, so it's like, you're right. You're going for those like shock laughs. I do it all the time. I'm like, I just need...

some reaction. So there's not silence. Exactly. So you're like, man, I'm killing with this anal bit, but about having shit on my dick. But then you're like, wait, do I want to be that guy? You know, if Seinfeld calls again, I can't bring that to the beacon, you know? So yeah, you just do it out of, out of desperation. And like, you're just trying to cling at straws, whatever gets a laugh, but you know, I'm trying to entertain these people. And then eventually it kind of slides off as you start writing better shit. Well,

Well, that's the thing is like Jerry would always say that like he could write a, he could write a dirty hour if, if like, cause he, you know, he plays the hits, but then he was like, yeah, I could write a dirty hour once a year. Yeah. I kind of want to hear Jerry's dirty hour. Oh man. Would that be great? What's the deal with foreskin, you know, or what's going on with threesomes? You're a fucking whore. You're a whore. It's a terrible Jerry. If it's two people, it's not a twosome. Why don't we go threesome? Yeah.

That would be hilarious. Dirty Seinfeld? Yes. Smoking a cigarette? Somebody's got to do that. I want to see Seinfeld destroy Heckler. Shut up! You're a cunt! You're a fucking cunt! Oh, that would be great. One day. One day. What's up with the fleshlight? It's not flesh. It's not a light. Do you put this in a dishwasher? I don't know.

Yeah, it is funny that like, then you think about you're like, fuck, Cosby is the cleanest comic and you're like, he could have had some dirty bits. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Very in depth shit. Like, wow.

I didn't know you could do that. Cosby's wife was always so mad at him in every bit. And it's like, is she really this mad at you over toothpaste? And then you're like, oh, you were raping everyone. You left that. That's why some of Cosby's material didn't add up for me. I'm like, why is Camille this mad at you over aftershave? It's not the aftershave. It's the fucking drugs in the bag that he's carrying around. It's the chloroform.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. So yeah, you gotta go dirty just to get a pop. Also in the fucking Midwest, in a strip mall, it's like, I always respected people like Ryan Hamilton or like Clean Comics who like, that Friday late show Clean...

That's got to be tough. That is very impressive. I just watched the Regan hour, by the way. Have you seen it? I saw clips that were really funny. Is it great? Pretty good. It's pretty damn good. It's so weird. You're like, wow, this is good material. That's how bad standup specials have gotten. I watched it. I was like, this is great. That's a great bit. That's a great bit. It was almost surprising, which is a horrible sign. Yeah. He's a legend.

Yeah, it was great, and he also had a leather jacket, and I was like, uh-oh, here we go. This is gonna be bad. You expect him to light a cigarette like, hickory dickory dock. You're like, Regan? Yeah, he's fucking great, man. That original album. I remember his half hour was so great. I mean, like, legend. I mean, so many people do him. Have you met him before? Oh, yeah. Coolest guy. I always tell this story.

He'll do some theater in a city, and then he'll just be bored. And he likes to party a little bit, so he'll be bored. And I saw him in the back of my show at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. I was like, is that Brian Regan? Just hanging back there, drinking. And I was like, hey, man, what's up? And he goes, hey, I didn't know where to go, so I just come to the comedy club. You guys want a drink? And he's bought everybody drinks. We hung out all night. Yeah, I had a similar experience in Jamestown, New York, Lucy Fest.

He came in the room, watched my set. We drank after. He couldn't have been a cooler guy. Loved him. Great guy. Great guy. I'm sure on some level it's like he knows that it's cool that we're like, oh, Brian Regan, you know? Right. But he has none of that. He's just a completely humble salt of the earth, cool dude, regular dude. You're an equal or whatever.

Yeah, he's awesome. His brother's super funny too, Dennis Regan. I've done a few quarters with him and stuff. Yeah, he's done a bunch of letterments. I saw him do a joke where he goes, my dad wanted them reversible belts when I was a kid. On one side it was brown, on the other side he would beat me with it. He's like darker Brian Regan. I like it. Deadpan, yeah. I hate to say it, but I'm sorry. Oh, no, what? I think going clean is more skill.

Of course. What do you think? Yeah, it's undeniable. Some people will negate that. They don't like that thing. Also, end of the day, it's funny that matters the most. So it's like, you know, what makes you laugh the hardest? Like, yeah, going completely clean, there's less of a crutch. So, of course, it's harder. But you definitely judge by the funniest hour, I think. Yeah, yeah, I agree. And how much you can put out.

And it's just so much of the wording and how you say it. Like you could have the funniest thought about a toaster or what an Uber or whatever it is, but like, I'll do them on stage. Like I'm my, I'm in my hotel room. Like this is gold. This is a great observation. And then they're like, yeah,

That is interesting. And you're like, oh, it's not getting that twist. It's not getting that pop that I want. But then you go dirty or throw a fuck in and it pops. That's not what you want from an audience. You don't want them to go, ah, yes, keen observation. You're like, all right, there we go. Indubitably. It's a skill, man. Yeah, I mean, Ryan Hamilton's got it.

This great joke about going to, I think it was like Disneyland or something. He went to some amusement park and they said, so you're alone? And he said, yeah. And they go, just one? And Ryan goes, how far do you want to take this? You see? That's a great line. That's great. Yeah.

That's what it's all about, folks. Ryan Hamilton, one of the funniest. Watch his Netflix special, Happy Face. He's incredible. Yes, yes, he's great. What's bothering you, man? I know you're getting peeves on the road. You're in fucking, you're on no sleep. I'm on no sleep. The road peeves, you hit those flights and the clubs and the openers and the managers and the audiences, all the peeves just...

Flood over you it's amazing I got a couple I don't know how many you want I'll take any of them Alright you got a few? Of course I'm always annoyed One of them I had a guy doing this all weekend I'm not going to say who it was but it was driving me fucking nuts And maybe I'm an asshole but He would say you know what I mean Before finishing the sentence

So he was like, oh man, I was at the bus depot and oh, I got to tell you, you know what I mean? And I'm like, no, I don't because you haven't told me where we're going here. I don't know the premise. I just know the location. I don't know your angle. So that was driving me nuts because you waste energy going, oh yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. But it's a meaningless, you know what I mean? Oh, there's no meaning. That's brutal. No meaning. It's like a pop quiz on a test and you're like, we don't even know what the subject is yet.

Exactly, exactly So you're wasting my time with the know what I mean Because I'm like, oh yeah, yeah But I actually don't know what you mean And now I'm just validating you constantly And we haven't even gotten anywhere Interesting Drives me nuts Yeah, no, it's really Even at the end, it's kind of like It is

I've used it as a crutch where you say, you know, at the end. We talked about this. It's like people who lack confidence in what they're saying. So they're trying to get verbal confirmation. The same people when they're talking to you, they can sense your space now. So they start hitting your chest. Yes. This is a good way to tell a story. Light assault. This is a good way to get me to fucking pay attention. Don't do that to the ladies. It's a fucking...

It's like a hostage situation. It's ridiculous. Yes. Hey, hey. And you're like, hey, how come you haven't realized that you're hitting me? That's you. That should be a cue to you that your story sucks. If you have to hit the guy, you know, like when, when is that? When are you going to internalize that you're hitting because your story sucks? Not because we're, we're like fading out, but yeah, look at, I'm an insecure douche just like anybody else. And I need validation too, but you got to earn it folks.

That's all I'm saying. So, you know what I mean? Drives me nuts. And I did a years ago, I opened for this guy, urban guy, super urban, but he kept saying like jokes, jokes, jokes. Know what I mean? Joke. Know what I mean? And by the end of it, some guy in the back goes, yes, we know what you mean. And the place went nuts. Wow. Beautiful. Wow. On a headliner. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Damn. That's that's brutal. Yeah.

It was brutal, but I mean, the kitchen was happy, the staff was happy, the comics were happy, the audience was happy. I mean, it had to be said. Damn. I know what you mean. Yeah, at a certain point we know. We got it. We got it. Or we haven't gotten it yet, so there's nothing to get. You got to get to that part, and then we'll see if we know what you mean. You got to earn the mean. You got to earn it. This is another big one people do.

They'll tell you something. They go, does that make sense? And you're like, well, maybe you should figure out if it if it makes sense before you throw it out there. Now we got to decipher. I've done it. Look, we all do. We've all done. That makes sense. Yeah. Does that make sense? You know, I don't know. Have you. Are you familiar with the English language? Why don't you form a sentence and come back here when you've decided if it makes sense? Right. Right. And I've done it. We've all done it. But some people overdo it.

Oh, they overdo it. Does this make sense? Jeez, that is an annoying one. That's a big one. Well, what do you got? Hey, does this make sense? I ate early today and I'm still hungry. Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. Thanks. Complete sense. Thank you. Thanks for this. Okay, what do I have? Let's see. I have to write them down or else I'll forget them all. I got, okay, I got one of my friends. You know him. He just moved to Jersey. I'll say his name, Gary Veeder. I love him. But here's what he said to me.

I'm still right there I was mad I was like you're moving to Jersey I'm gonna miss you He goes I'm still right there And he goes I'm 40 minutes without traffic This bugs me the without traffic That's good You always give me the best case Scenario When are you gonna come visit me at fucking 2am Right exactly 2am on a Sunday on Christmas day He said to me yesterday he came by my place yesterday And he goes alright it's 40 minutes without traffic I'm like alright when do you come by He goes 5.15pm

I thought it was 40 minutes. That's great. And then it's like the parking becomes an incident and he's like, he can't relax. And he's like, I put money in the meter. I got to go. And I'm like, this is a whole, this is what, this is life now in Jersey.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. People go hard with that time shit where they go door to door. That's a big one. I can be there 40 minutes door to door. You're like, really? Door to door? I don't believe you. Like, does that mean if you have to spend a bunch of time parking, you'll just jump out of the car on a shoulder roll and just, I've got 39 minutes. I've got to run to the door. Yeah.

It's like a Michael Bay movie that just fucking crashes. Yeah, yeah. I worked on a construction site once. Really? You did? Yeah, I was a gopher. I would just be the wheelbarrow guy, moving all the demo stuff. And this guy kept taking breaks. And he was like, I need five minutes. I need five minutes. So eventually the foreman was like, all right, I'll give you five minutes. And he just sat there looking at his watch.

And it was like six minutes, seven minutes. And he's like, hey, what's going on? The guy's like, I just need like five minutes. He's like, it's already been seven. And I secretly loved it because I was like, fuck you with your five. We just say five. But nobody means five. And this guy was like, all right, you do that again. I'm timing you. It's funny. That's like a movie star. Take five. That's like an on set thing. Let me take five. Right. You know, but that yeah, that's like a diva thing.

Yeah, it's never five. That just means I need a break some vague amount of time. But this guy was like, all right, I'll give you five. But if you go for five, I'm going to yell at you. Interesting. Just give me five. The OCD in me liked it. Give me five is always bullshit. Yes. I'll fuck you again. Just give me five. Yeah.

Exactly. No, I need 30. Let's be honest. And I need five more inches. Give me five. That's a great prior joke. He goes, sorry, honey, I just need some new pussy. He goes, well, if you had two more inches, you get some new pussy here. Oh, wow. That's a great, great self-deprecating prior dick joke. Self-deprecating on two levels. I love it. I just don't like the traffic thing because it's like...

Best case, I don't, giving the best case, we always give the best case scenario with traffic Right You know what I mean? I want the worst Or the worst, when though, I don't think we give the worst No, no, we should give the worst Right, right Because that way if you're early, it's a plus Right, but it's like, I don't do that with any other part of my life It's never like, Sam, how are you? Good, if I can win the lottery And you're like, alright, well you didn't Right You didn't win the lottery and you're not going to There's gonna be traffic, it's New York

That's so true People do that with everything Like hey You got a big dick Hey I'm 8 inches On a good day But what the fuck's a good day What does that mean A good dick day Yeah I mean LA They do this all the time They're like You know LA Without traffic And you're like When has there not been traffic In Los Angeles

Exactly, so true You can't really do that with air travel Which is nice, because there's no traffic up there So it's never like, how long does it take to get to New York? Ah, you know, eight hours without traffic It's just five hours, that's it Yeah, well, speaking of Things that annoy us, here's one thing that doesn't annoy us We Might Be Drunk is brought to you By Honey You love Honey, Mark Love the Honey, big fan These guys, this is one of those things You're like, how did this not come out earlier?

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One bee six years to make a gram of honey or something some horrible stat where you're like, ah, geez There was that movie about it in Macedonia. Uh-huh. There was that beekeeper woman in Macedonia and it's like

It's the most tragic shit You're just like this Because that's all she does It's like really about everything I forgot the name of it Harry maybe you can let us know the name of that movie Beekeeper Woman in Macedonia It just came out like a year ago I think it got nominated for an Oscar for a documentary And it's like this woman Who just makes her own honey She's like got a horrible life She's got like no teeth And then this new family comes in And they're like abusing the protocol On how you make honey

And she's like, no, there's a system so you don't get stung and so you're good to the bees and you give them honey back. It's called Honeyland. I shouldn't remember that. Thanks, Harry. Better than the Jessica Alba movie, Honey. But Jessica Alba looked better, though. But, I mean, Macedonia...

Fuck, man. That has got to be a tough place to live. Where is that? Is that Eastern Bloc? Let me get the exact location. I did a bit about it. Oh, wow. Well, yeah, it's like Southeast Europe.

I did a bit about how I didn't know it was still like, because the Facebook breach was in Macedonia. It's one of the Facebook breaches originally started in Macedonia. And I was like, I didn't even know that was still a place. That was one of the angles. Like I was like, I was like, man, this sounds like a Babylonian time travel breach. That was part of the, I bet they teamed up with the, with the Mesopotamians for this one. That was my angle. Right, right. Yeah. The Byzantine empire or something like that.

But you always hear these things like, without bees, we wouldn't have Wi-Fi or, you know, sugar or whatever the hell it is. And you're like, geez, I didn't know the bees were that important. Yeah, and then she would, like, go to these weird little farmer's markets and make money off it. Like, she would sell it to people. That's how she'd make money. But, yeah, it was, like, the freshest honey ever, you know? I'll watch that. Yeah, it's pretty heavy, but it's good. And, uh...

Shit, man. It's a tough life. It's a tough life. I love a good doc, and that's the beauty of a doc. You don't have to give a shit about the premise. If it's well done, you just get sucked in. Also, honey never goes bad. That's incredible. Is that true? Never? True story. True story. Give it a go, Harry.

Give it a go. Never goes bad. It's pretty cool. It's like this magical elixir. The bees fuck and they make it. Then there's those crazy things where if you trap the queen bee, all the other bees will chase. If you put it in a little jar, they'll just chase the jar. You can throw the jar down a well. They'll all go down the well. Pretty badass. There's no...

There's no, like, cunty individual bee. Like, I do my own thing. You know, they're all in line. Apparently, yeah, if you've trapped the queen bee, she yells out, rigged, rigged election, and then all the other bees, they storm the hive. But, man, yeah, honey is the best. I like a little spicy honey. Ooh, good Todd Berry. You ever do that on your pizza? No. A little spicy honey on your pizza. Game changer, dude.

Whoa, I mean, I thought ranch was crazy enough. Some people would ranch on their pizza. I've never even heard of spicy honey. It's good. A lot of the cool New York pizza places do it now. It's fucking good. I got a little in my apartment. I'll throw some of my fucking yogurt. I'll go crazy. Interesting. There's all these weird little concoctions. There's the French fries and the Wendy's Frosty. I'm sure you heard of that one. Ooh, no. God, no. Oh, that's big. Is it good? I don't like salty sweet.

What? No, not for me I do, that sounds like I just wouldn't want a soggy fry People rave, people rave about it That's a big one, salt on watermelon was big In Louisiana, the old guy put salt on it And they were like, whoa, this guy's crazy Salty and sweet, man Yeah, yeah, not for me You know those apples with a fucking mandarin orange And a cranberry, get out of here Yeah, the big one the Italians do Is a prosciutto and melon, that's a big one Yes

Watermelon and feta is a big one Some people swear by A pickle and peanut butter sandwich You ever get into that? No, I'm segregating food I don't like all that mixing I'm like a 50's preacher When it comes to food I'll put nuts on ice cream Or something like that But melon and meat, not for me Yeah, I'm okay with that A little prosciutto melon is good

Yeah, most people like it. I'm just a weirdo. How about like a Chex Mix salty and sweet? Will you do that? Nah, nah, nah. No thank you. Fair enough. You never did the... Like the...

M&M's in the popcorn or anything when you were a kid? Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you. I'll do a salted caramel. That's about as far as I'll go over doing salty sweet. Oh, that's the best. That's the best. That I love. But yeah, M&M and popcorn, it's too much. That's the queen bee of the salty and sweet, I think, the salted caramel, I would say. I agree. Yeah. Big fan. I got more peeves. Give me more peeves. I love the peeves. Please. All right.

All right, how about this one? This one drives me nuts. I was with a guy last weekend. I didn't want to say it too much because I didn't want to give it away who it was. But you ever hang out with the guy with the teeth suck? You know, this shit? You ever have that one with the tongue through the teeth? Yeah, it's a weird one. What is that? I'm right here. It's grossing me out. It's all I could hear from this guy, and it was driving me crazy.

Yeah, that's fucking weird. So why is he doing that? It's like a nervous tick or something? I think it's a tick, you know, just bored, like, ah! Yeah, that's pretty bad. Ah, it's driving me crazy. And then, can I call that out, or am I the asshole? It's tough. It's tough! It's tough because there are certain things we don't know where the line is. I've been told that by people that you're like, Sam, you made comments about that, you're a fucking asshole. Like, I've been told that by people I care about. They're like, you gotta just shut the fuck up.

Right. I'll do it a nice way. I'll be like, are you all right? Or something. But they say, someone told me recently, like, you have a very calm way of saying really cruel things. Really? Yes. Whoa. Damn, that's interesting. Wow. I was like, well, at least I'm calm. I don't know that about you. At least I'm calm. Yeah, that's true. But here's my thing. I would rather just take the teeth sucking and live with it and be in hell than embarrass the guy.

Yeah, for sure. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings with it. No, I don't either. And these are a bunch of sensitive, you know, queefy comics. They'll be like, oh, jeez, I'm sorry, bud. I'm like, I know, I know. It's nothing personal. That sound just makes me want to kill myself. Yeah, sometimes you just get used to it, though. If you just kind of...

If you just, it's harder for me when I don't know the person and you're stuck. Like if it's someone I know, I kind of eventually just get used to it. But if it's someone, if I'm like on a flight with someone and they're just next to me doing weird shit like that, I'm just like, all right, here we go.

Oh, that's the worst. But here's my problem. This is where I suck. Because I'll have a few drinks, we're hanging out, we're getting close and chummy, and then I'll do a passive-aggressive joke like, well, ask Bob. He's sucking his teeth all night over here. And he's like, huh? And I'm like, oh, no, I let it out. Happens every time. Yeah, it's tough. Little things...

bother me like like stranger shit bothers me like a peeve of mine like i was i'm trying to meditate a little more just because funny you see articles like people who meditate uh have better blood pressure they're more healthy and you're like yeah people that are consciously concerned with their health are gonna be like there probably aren't a lot of fucking heroin addicts who meditate yeah they're probably better off they do on accident they nod they nod but um you know

Yeah, I think, didn't DC Benny used to have a bit about, like, I saw a guy, I thought he was doing Tai Chi. What was it? I thought he was doing Tai Chi in the part where he turned out he was a heroin addict, like, who couldn't fall over. Yeah. Great actor. But, you know, I'm in a fucking cab. I'm trying to meditate. I'm away from a gig. I'm just having anxiety. So I'm meditating. And the guy's on, he's not only, like, checking in on me nonstop, he's on speakerphone. So he's having two conversations. Yeah.

So he's unspeakable the whole time. So I'm like, let me just try to zone him out. Let me just try. But it's hard when someone's like loudly like laughing. You're just like, oh boy, well, he's having a good time.

And then he turned in to be like, you okay? You okay back there? And I'd be like, oh yeah, I'm just trying to meditate. And he'd be like, okay, keep me, like, he's like, let me know. Let me know. Like, I can do anything. He goes, it's, uh, you got enough air back there? And I'm like, I got plenty of air. There's air. There's a lot of air. The window's popped. Everything's good. I'd be like, all right, let me know. He goes, cool enough. I'm just like, please. I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to disconnect from the world.

Yeah, see, that one's tough because you can never relax completely because you're like, oh, what was that? Oh, shit, because you have to be a little awake to keep responding. So you're kind of going in and out of it, which is almost worse. Yeah, that's a tough one. Give me another. Well, I had an Uber driver today. It's fucking five in the morning. We're on the way to the airport, and he's blaring Kings of Leon, just blaring it. And I can barely hear myself jizz. And then he goes, vacation? Vacation?

or you going on vacation? And I was like, huh? So not only is the music annoying, but now you're trying to have a chit chat with the loud. So I just, at one point I went, I can't hear what you're saying. The music's too loud. And he, he turned the music down. He's like, you going on vacation? Are you coming from vacation? I was like, I'm going home. And it was just the worst, worst conversation. I pulled this one. I'm going to fucking hell. I know. I pulled this one. I go, uh, Hey buddy, I might pass out. Don't take it personal.

And then he was like, oh, yeah, go nuts. So I feel like I pulled that off. Then he turns the music back up. Exactly. That's exactly what he did. But I have the earbuds with the sound canceling. It doesn't do enough, though. Here's the problem with the early morning Uber driver versus the early morning traveler. We're fucking exhausted, and they're doing whatever they can to stay awake.

They've got their big rock star energy. They're fucking blasting music and they're blasting music because it's like you kind of can't fault them because you're like, yeah, if I was driving a car at 5 a.m.,

I need to do, I need to be playing like my pump up mix, you know? Totally. And you're bored as shit from just circling the wagons all day. So you're like, what's up with this guy? What's he do for a living? So you're just kind of trying to stimulate yourself. You got your dead wife's ashes on the dashboard. You got your fucking dream catcher on the, on the mirror. This guy's miserable. Put on a podcast, get a book on tape.

Yeah, it's tough. You kind of wish. Yeah, it's tough. It's shared space. Shared space is where all the problems happen in the world. That's where fucking. Dude, that's that's so true. I mean, look at rich people. Everything rich people do is about being away from the general pop first class, then the private jet, then to a mansion on the hills with their own acreage. It's all about getting away from the yokels.

I mean, fuck the Middle East to a roommate. It's about space. Right. It's all about space. It's all about space. I mean, think about, you know, that roommate you have where you're like fucking they're in the common area all the time. And you're like, oh, I got to I got to like now make small. Every time I go by. How's it going? How are you going to the bathroom? I pee a lot. Sorry. Hey, how's it going again? Got a girl in there. Nice that you're out here and you can hear everything happening in there. How are you? Great.

It's so true Yeah, it's brutal It's all about space And I think like broke people Yeah, and look, we've all been broke You gotta take an Uber pool Which is now you're sharing You gotta take the Greyhound Now you're on the bus with a bunch of weirdos And guys playing casino games at full volume And eating Peking duck for some reason You know, like It's all about being around other people you don't know And then yeah, rich people It's the exact opposite

Yeah, just space and isolation is like the ultimate luxury, I think. Ultimate luxury. I mean, look what a spa is. Just you in a room with a bunch of people humming and like a trinkling of a water fountain. You got the cucumbers. Isolation. Isolation is either the best or the worst. That's what I was going to say. You got the fucking prison guy. Yeah. You know who lives in isolation? Fucking Jeffrey Dahmer and Ellen DeGeneres.

Solitary confinement. You know what else? But then you know who lived in isolation? Bernie Madoff. And now, again, Bernie Madoff. Oh, write it down. That's killer. I'll write it down. That's a bit. And clean. It's a clean bit. We're talking clean bits. Yes. It's more superior.

So true. Madoff and Madoff. That's great. That's a great name for a firm. Madoff and Madoff. You're getting fucked either way. What? Any other peeves? Well, this one is so silly. I mean, I feel dumb even bringing it up, but it's a me thing. And I don't think it'll be relatable to any other human being on the planet. But I love these. These are the personal ones. All right.

I did a shoot, like a little video shoot for a friend, and it was super fun, super easy. Show up, shoot for an hour, be funny. We'll edit it and tag it, all that. Great, no problem. Pays a couple shekels. Great. That's the job, was to just do this video.

At the end of it, they go, all right, just send me an invoice and we'll pay you. And I'm like, what? Invoice? I don't know how to do that. Well, just get a PDF and put all your information. I'm like, PDF? Whoa, that's Greek to me. And now, to me, that's the work. The invoice is the work. The other shit was just fun and easy. I can't do an invoice, so I'm Googling invoices. I'm like, do I need a printer? I hate it.

I'm like, how do I convert this to I'm on Word, now I gotta go to PDF or JPEG or whatever the fuck. So the invoice was the hardest part of the whole gig.

Yeah, it's insane. Like, look who you hired, dude. We got good at this. We got good at this talking, like saying inappropriate shit to strangers in a bar. And you're asking me to fucking do paperwork? Like, I do this so I don't have to do that shit. Problem is when you do gigs around your agent, man, they handle all that. They handle the annoying shit. That's why you have a manager. We can say whatever we want about the industry, but like, they do the shit we don't want to do, man. So true. Like-

When you have a good rep, you don't notice that shit. I know. That fine print. I mean, it's stacks of contracts and signatures and all that shit. And I don't want to. I mean, you could be screwing me out of thousands. And I'm like, it's worth it. You fill that shit out. Oh, I don't. Yeah, I'll pay it out. Dude, the Comedy Central thing we both just did. That roast thing we just did. Oh, man. It's like five contracts. I know. I know. And it's so stupid. Like, in the words of Jay Leno, it doesn't have to be this difficult.

You give me the gig, I'll do it. Give me the money. Why is it five? It's one of those things where I'm just like, you guys know. Yeah. And these are the ones where they need your signature on, so you can't even have your reps cheat it for you. Where this is inside baseball complaining, folks. Right, right. It is a thing where you're just like, also, they take the longest to fucking pay you of any person. I know. Where you're just like, hey, can we make sure we get the money before you guys collapse? Because...

Yes, exactly So true, so true You guys are a crumbling industry I have more followers than you, what does that tell you? And now you're taking six weeks to pay me It's kind of freaking me out Oh god, they fired like all the good people I mean, there's still good people that work there But they fired so many fucking good people there And you're just like, god damn it Fucking, yeah, what are you going to do?

Yeah, yeah, it's a tough world. And look, that's the business aspect, and it sucks. And on the flip side, I know some people who aren't comics who love the invoice. That's a fucking... That's a nothing. That's a...

I'm batting an eye. I can knock out an invoice. I'm like, oh, that invoice for me is like I got to turn the phone off. I got to lock the door, take an Adderall, and then I knock it out. But some people can just do that shit with their eyes closed. You have to do drugs to do the easy part. That's fucking great. Yeah, no, I mean, but that is for most people just collecting the money. But for us, it's like we have become –

almost like autistic joke people where we can only really focus on like anything that's not comedy for me is hard to focus on anything. That's not like when I, when I disengaged from comedy for too long, it's like being an addict.

Who doesn't have a drink? You're just like, you start being like, fuck, I need, I have anxiety. I need to write a joke or need to at least like thinking of a joke, even if it's not. So it's, so when I'm doing the business stuff, I'm like, this is a waste of time and time is all we have. Right. Right. I could just fucking pay us. Exactly. Exactly. So yeah, I'm with you. Look at Norm Macdonald. He's one of the funniest guys on the planet. He doesn't know how to drive. You barely can drive. You know, we need that room in our brain for jokes. Yeah.

I remember Joe List would give me so much shit for that gig where I was like, I'll do some of the driving. We did a run of casinos. He did 30 hours. I did about half an hour. He was so mad at me the whole time. He was so... But it's like, look, man, I'm worried for us. I think we're going to get in a car crash if I'm driving. I'm doing this for you, man. I'll man the fucking music. I'm DJing. He's like, I fucking hate you so much. I'm like, let me give it... You like Bobby Darin? He's like, fucking kill yourself. I hate you so much.

Bobby Darin. That's great.

He's like, you don't even drive me crazy. You're just making me crazy because you can't drive. What's the deal with anal? Oh, that's when he started hating me. When he was driving, he barely knew me. I'm like, what do you think of this joke? I was just scanning down jokes. He was like, this guy's a fucking lunatic. He hated me. Well, he was texting me the whole time. He's like, this guy's a fucking joke monster. He's just pulling jokes out of his ass. And then he's like, it's annoying the hell out of me. And then he saw you on stage. He's like...

This guy's got a million jokes. And I'm like, yeah, where do you think they come from? I mean, yeah, that was when Joe still drank. That was like, Oh yeah. That was when I was like, Oh shit. Oh, I guess he's a better driver than me drunk. So what are you going to do? Yeah. Still better. That's hilarious. Um, here's a peeve. People, people who respond to a self deprecating remark with, uh, with like oof or, uh, like you, you make some, a self deprecating comment about yourself and they're just like, Oh boy.

Yeah, I hate that. It's like you're shitting on me shitting on myself. Right, right. Now, are they saying that's a bad joke or this makes me uncomfortable? Probably both. Ooh, yeah. Don't you think? That's a bummer. I think it's more just like you're making me uncomfortable. I think people are uncomfortable when people make self-deprecating remarks because a lot of people... How often do you go on the road or something and you make a therapy comment and they're just like, what? They're just like, ugh. I think we are...

We'll talk about ourselves in a way that like, I think I made a joke about, I used to have a joke about like,

How every guy, like, you know, it was like a therapy joke about, like, wanting to fuck your mom. And it's like, and they were like, oh, and I was like, you'd never heard that concept before. I'm not saying I want to actually fuck my mom. I'm saying it's like, it's like Freud. It's fucking page one, man. I'm so with you. I hate any of that shit where, yeah, you make fun of yourself. I used to have this one in high school where I'd, like, try to talk to a girl and I would say some dark thing about me and they'd go, oh.

Okay. I hate the okay. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Yeah. It's like, that's like, it's like the equivalent of you texting someone and they just write back dot, dot, dot. That's what it feels like, right? Evil. It's evil.

Wow. I don't even like a dot, dot, dot after someone says something like, it's because of this, dot, dot, dot. It's like, just call me a fucking idiot. Exactly. Just say you're fucking stupid. That's like the clean version of being like, you're dumb. Right. It's so condescending. And then you feel stupid and self-conscious after, so you can't really be yourself anymore. It ruins everything. The whole relationship's fucked. Yeah, everything's fucked. I don't like... You're being...

I don't like people responding. It's like, I remember, uh, I did a prom show back in the day, uh, with a comic and he went up there and he was shitting on himself and the, and people in the crowd, they're young. So they don't get the, like the awareness is the power. They don't get the, like, so they would, he would shit in himself and he'd be like, Oh, I haven't had sex in this long. And people be like, ha ha.

And I was like, no, he wrote the joke. He's aware of it. You know? Yes. It was like, it's almost like that level of thinking. Yeah. Yeah. God, people are fucking idiots. They were at least kids and insecure. Yeah. Just like those, those gigs were fun though. Cause these are like 16 year old kids and you could just go look at the virgin. They all go.

Oh, Billy is a virgin. That guy's never had a pussy in his life. Oh, and you're murdering just by calling them dorks. Yeah, well, I remember I'd go up and try to do material, and the second I started bombing, I'd be like looking for targets. I'm like, this motherfucker. I'm like, this dude's going to shoot the school up, isn't he? And everyone's like, yeah.

That's the big one. Shooting to school. He's obsessed with jerking him, so he jerks off too much. And that's like a blanket because that works on everybody because it's every high school kid. And he's got a crush on Jenny, and they're like, oh, shit, he does. The kids are so insecure that they're freaking out.

Yeah, it's fucking there's always my favorite part of the prom shows. There's always like a few kids that get like carried out piss drunk. Like that's like a real New York prom show. They're like security's got to carry some kids like vomiting in the back. I'm like this kid shit face and everyone's like, yeah.

That was me Back in the day By the way But yeah No it's so true It's fascinating Even when I do a college gig Every joke about having a job is out Every joke about being Like paying my bills is out Like they have no life experience yet And it's kind of tough Right You gotta go like basic year one stuff You gotta do Like you gotta think What did I find funny when I was like 18 And like You could still do dating jokes That's like That's why dating jokes are so fucking good Because uh

Kids will still find that stuff funny. That's true. And look, those jokes are the most bulletproof concept as long as you have a good angle because everyone's had their heart broken. Everyone's had dating problems. It's the most bulletproof of any premise or subject. Yeah, it's so relatable. Chris Rock would always say, end on the relationship stuff. That's the biggest...

You know, relatability brings the whole room together. Everybody gets it. It hits home for everybody. So that's how you got to close. Interesting. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, I guess it depends. What do you got on recommendation? I kind of like opening on the... Personally, I like opening... I do too! Because...

That way you get them all on board And then you can kind of say whatever you want Like for me Rock I guess is famous enough That he can open on political shit Or open on like a social point But for me it's kind of like If I open on relationship stuff We're all on the same side They see me as one of them And I feel connected to them And now I can say the fucked up jokes I do the same method I end on the heavy shit Yeah I mean I think that's That's Rock being fucking famous And also great obviously but

Right, right. I got a wreck for you. All right. I want to kill out of the gate so I can get, yeah, I want to get their trust. Do you got a good wreck? I got a wreck, yeah. I watched the Biggie Smalls doc. It was pretty good. Yeah, I should watch that.

It's pretty good. I mean, I love anything about rags to riches. Like, how did they get from, you know, Bed-Stuy or wherever the hell he was to, you know, the top of the mountain in the hip hop world? And it chronicles the whole thing and the stuff I didn't even know about the guy. And I thought it was pretty well done.

Yeah, I think like, I think hip hop would have been in such a better place if I mean, it's the most obvious statement ever. Biggie and Pac were alive, man. I mean, they were just, they were just so good. I mean, yeah, but it's like, whenever you lose someone who's so important to the art form, you're just like, man, what a bummer. It's like,

Just not having Louis in the mainstream has been bad for comedy, I think. Yeah, Patrice. Patrice, Geraldo. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. You need those pillars, I guess you'd say. And he was 24 when he died. That's insane. Insane. So much to go. Yeah, he didn't even scratch the surface. But then there's the Bill Hicks argument, like,

Well, what if Jimi Hendrix didn't die at 27 and then he started doing Pepsi ads or, you know, AT&T commercials or whatever? Well, even Bill Hicks would have been like, you're a fucking corporate sellout if you do any commercials. You're a piece of shit. You're fucking scum. Your next ad is Lucy's Nicotine. Yeah, it's true. This has been brought to you by Lucy's Nicotine, which, by the way...

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Yeah, they've got great flavors. Wintergreen cinnamon and pomegranate. And you get the lozenge if you don't like chewing gum. The cherry ice. So yeah, get Lucy so you're prepared to fight that itch. But it's hard to quit smoking, man. We know a lot of smokers out there. Oh yeah, oh yeah. They're a dying breed.

But, yeah, it's tough. I mean, it's one of the hardest things. There's books on it. And this is the way to go. I mean, you still get that nicotine, but you just don't have to inhale the fucking rat turds and tar. Exactly. Do you want to read a book? Or do you want to just chew some gum and watch the new Biggie doc?

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That's 20% off Lucy.co and use promo code DRUNK at checkout. And we got to say this for the lawyers. This product does contain nicotine derived from tobacco. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. No duh. Get 20% off at Lucy.co with code DRUNK and quit those sticks today. I got a good rec for you. I'm sure you've seen it, but I had never seen it. Miller's Crossing.

Oh, Coen Brothers. I love the Coen Brothers so much. I think they're probably the best filmmakers of our generation. Probably, yeah. But I'd never seen that one. It's beautifully shot. Irish-Italian gangster flick. Great cast. Great scenes. Great dialogue. There's like a line that, so you want to kill him? For starters. That's a great line.

That's great. Yeah. I mean, that movie was shot. A part of that was shot in New Orleans. And I remember being a kid and seeing some of the shooting of it and being like, what's this? And some guy was like, it's Miller's Crossing. I was like, what the hell is Miller's Crossing? And then it came out. But yeah, so good. I mean, just just a film.

Yeah, it's beautiful. And it's badass and it's cool. Apparently, it bombed hard. They got the money to make it because of Raising Arizona. Right. And then they made the movie they really want to make and it fucking did not. A great cast too, but... Yeah, big bomb. I love those noir lines where Marsha Gay Harden is in it. He's honest and he's got a heart. Then it's true what they say. Opposites attract.

I love that shit.

You've got to remember that you're also building something, right? Like that movie, you're building a fan base. You're building diehards. It was critically acclaimed. That's true. So you're building a base, you know? I think. I think that's what, I mean. Yeah. Is there any Jewish love there? Like, hey, these guys are a couple of Jews and they're killing it. Are they Jews? Oh, come on. They've got to be. Yeah, right. Serious man. They've got to be, right?

And Cohen. I don't know. Yeah, but I think it's Cohn. It's usually spelled C-O-H-E-N for Jews. Uh-huh. I don't know. Give that a goog. I would assume they work because they're talented. Yeah, they're Jewish. There we go. I just think they're that great that it would make sense to me that they could make a movie like A Serious Man without even being Jewish. But yeah, that was a great movie, too. Great movie.

yeah man no they're killer um no i don't know if it i mean i just i like good filmmakers i don't know i like uh i mean i fucking love tarantino i i mean yeah that's true good point i mean i just i don't know i just uh like a point of pride you mean yeah because you know when when like harvey fucks up your mom's like oh fucking jew so i wonder if it's when it's a good jew you're like hey that's one for us no i i just think like i think it's uh

I mean, yeah, it's cool, but it's also like I didn't do anything. That's true. It is funny when people are like, when they have this pride where you're like, yeah, I was born Jewish, but I didn't make any movies. But you know where it's nice is when there's anti-Semites and you're like, you ever read fucking Marvel? You ever watch No Country for Old Men? You ever enjoy stand-up comedy? Yeah.

Right here! That's when it's nice when you get to shove it in some bigot's face. Yeah, I haven't had that issue really. They're like, Jews suck! And I'm like, oh yeah? Come to my parties. I'm not reading the Reddit threads that are like...

I wasn't having any issues at the Capitol. Holy shit, did you see Jay Johnston from Mr. Show at the Capitol? Yeah, crazy, huh? Fucking crazy. I don't know. He's a little older, so maybe there's something there. But this guy was on Sarah Silverman's show. Such a good comic actor. So weird.

Crazy, crazy. You know what's annoying me is all this shit's going on in the world and everyone's getting so... I know you're following the Dr. Seuss shit. It's so stupid, all of it. Yeah. It's just like, who gives a fuck? I know. Because they'll go on TV, they're like, this is cancer. I hate... It is a peeve. It is...

A lot of people are just using the word canceled for anything now. And I'm like, right now, canceled means you got canceled. It doesn't mean like no one canceled Dr. Seuss. That's what I'm just like. And also like, like it was his fucking own company that did it. They were like, we're just going to discontinue this. You could still get all his other shit.

Yeah, cancel is like Nazi, where we're just using it too willy-nilly. Or racist. We just throw it out there because it's a big word now. It's buzzy. So yeah, it's not good because some shit does get canceled, and now you're minimizing that. Yeah, my ancestors got canceled by Nazis. Hey, there we go. Exactly. Yeah. No, it's annoying to me.

Well, that leads into my bit idea, if you're ready for it. Please. So I was watching a Nazi documentary, and...

And these Nazis did all these crazy experiments on the Jews, like all these medical weirdo, you know, take this kid and make him take his arm off and put it on this guy. All this crazy shit. And obviously we stopped it, but we still kept the information, which I found interesting. Like we still retained that like, hey, if they did it already, might as well learn from it. And I thought that was interesting. And it reminded me of catcalling. Like, look, catcalling, women hate it. It's a bad thing.

But you still get information out of it. You know, like some girl walks down the street and some guy's like, damn, your ass looks good in those jeans. And she's like, fuck you. I'm not a piece of meat, but I'll wear these tomorrow. Could be something there. You can still get good information out of a horrible event. Yeah. I love that. I love that ass. And she's just like, you fucking monster. But like, also, thank you. Thank you for noticing. Thank you for doing. Yeah. You're a pig, but I got some intel.

Intel is a good word for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a pig, but we got some information. Yeah. Still valuable. It might not be the best delivery method, but it was still something I can use. Yeah. It's bad and we don't condone it, but if you have to do it, you may as well, you may as well take some notes. Right. You may as well. I'm trying to think if there's anything else other than catcalling even further. Like, man, that was...

It's, yeah, CatCoin's probably the right call because it's like, it's hard to go, you can't go darker than the fucking Holocaust. You gotta reel it in with something more silly like CatCoin. Yeah. You might be right. CatCoin.

Huh. 9-11? Because we learned a lot of security stuff with 9-11, but that's also dark. But that's too dark. Yeah, you don't want to go 9-11. You want to go somewhere lighter, which I think is probably why cat coins are the right move. What about something a little more broad, like, hey, back in the day when your buddy ate a berry and it killed him, it's horrible, but now we know those are poisonous. It's still dark, but it's not specific. What were the tests they did on the Jews?

Oh, all kinds of like just weird medical shit. Like we'll rip an arm off this kid and sew it to that kid and see if it works or make twins do this shit and that shit and cut the leg off a twin. It was horrible stuff. I'm thinking the way. Yeah, you're starting so dark. You've got to go. You've got to bring it in. I think cat calling is the one. Yeah, that should do it. That's the big pun. Does it hit?

I did it a couple times, and it does well, but it feels like a dark road to get to that silly punch. So, yeah, I think some lightning is a good idea. Because people are like, whoa, Holocaust experience? Whoa, how did we get here? Yeah, people fucking hate even... People are tough. Yeah, yeah. But, all right, what do you got? I got... I had this thing about when you see an ex...

with a new guy on social media or something when they post a new picture some guys like i've been asking like well how does that make you feel and i was like you know what it feels like it feels like uh it feels like i served in iraq and then i came back from iraq and then i saw another guy post a picture in iraq you know what i mean well i'm just like yeah you know i tried to bring peace there too wasn't my place right okay right yeah like good on you but uh

You're in for a shitstorm. That's an uphill battle right there. Right, right, right. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I got out, but I don't know if I could do it again. Yeah, I mean, it's hot. It's hot. Yeah, it's hot there.

It's hot, but it ends dirty or something. You come back and it'll fuck you up. Yeah. You're a different guy after that. You're a little scarred. I might need to preface it with being like, I'm a pussy and I could never serve in there. Right, right, right. But I would assume it was like, maybe if I go in like that. Also, my grandfather was in Korea and he wouldn't talk about it. So that could be funny too. So I was like, oh, how are you doing with the breakup? You're like.

And somebody's like, what are you doing? Don't talk. Don't bring that up. He's shell shocked. Yeah. How does someone rope you back in after? Yeah. They're like, yeah, maybe they hit you up. They're like, would you ever be down for another tour? And you're like, oh, you fucking bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Are you right? Right. You hook up again. You're like, I was in the reserves. You know, they called me back. Yeah. The idea of like not.

The idea of not... Also, there's something, too, that when you're in the war, you're in the best shape of your life. You're doing push-ups every day. You're doing training. And then when you get out of the war, you get a little fatter. You get a little lazier. You have to be in relationship shape. Yeah, you look...

You look a little fucked up, too. Yeah. When you're done, you're like, I'm in bed. Yeah. There's a lot here. I'll play with this one. There is a lot there. Yeah. We should also shout out our Patreon, which is growing. Thank you, guys. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. Join up. You get a second episode. We read your peeves. Should we do one right now? Let's read a peeve. Get their beaks wet a little bit. Get the beaks wet, brother. All right. Pep P from Ollie.

Felicioni. Hey, hey, love the pod. There's nothing better than waking up Monday with a fresh up. I got a big time peeve when people say, hey, why are you complaining when you're clearly not complaining? Like, let me give you an example. My TA was grading our papers very harshly for the first several weeks, but he seemed to ease up for some reason recently after getting 70s and 80s. I just got a 99, 100 the past two weeks and my friends did the same thing. So I'm texting my friend. I'm saying how weird, uh,

We're all out of all of a sudden we're just getting better grades. And of course, your response. Why are you complaining? I'm not complaining. You come guzzling Nazi is what he wrote. I'm just saying it's strange. That's a good you're making an observation. People are like, yeah, stop complaining. That's a good point. I had a similar peeve on like the second app. Hey, there's free pizza at this bar. How'd that happen? Why are you complaining? I'm not. I'm just questioning it. Can we can we observe some things that it might be unusual?

Fucking hilarious. Imagine if Seinfeld hung out like, have you ever noticed this? Stop complaining. All right, I won't do comedy. Sorry. Right, right. Good point. He'd have no act. Yeah, people observe things. I'm with you, Ali. Fuck that shit. Yeah, Ali. He wrote, I can't wait for the pandemic to be over so I can see you guys live. Well, we can't wait, man. Yeah, thanks for listening. Leave us a nice review on iTunes. Tell your friends. And...

Anything else? Oh, I'm doing a virtual show on March 22nd. So you can get tickets to that on my website. I also have some live dates coming on. So just go to samorell.com slash shows. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm all over the road as well. MarkNormanComedy.com. Coming to a town near you, things are starting to open up. So dates are pouring in. So I'm sure I'm coming near you. And then...

What else? Our Instagrams, our Twitters. Follow our Instagram page. We might be drunk on Insta. We got videos. We got fun photos and jokes and stuff. So, yeah, a lot of stuff to follow, a lot of content. And tell a friend and keep drinking. Keep drinking, guys. Thank you.