Ep 127: Rosebud Baker
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That's what she does. Yeah, these female comedians.

Leave it in. Leave it in. I could have said something good. All right. Well, yeah, good to see you, man. Jazz Fest, New Orleans. Oh, yeah. I saw the pictures. Yes. We might be drunk. We did shrooms. We drank. We danced the night away. You know you go to a music festival. Yeah, crack that, split that puppy. I love that little ball that pops up, right? Oh, I love the ball. It's like spray paint. I love it. Yeah. Reminds me of my tagging days. Did you tag? No.

Oh, man, we used to go around and really vandalize. Do I look like a skater boy? I can't ride a bike. You think I'm skating? I'll see you later, boy. All right. What happened to her? She transitioned? No. I just assume any pop star. She had a tie. I bet she's still big.

You think? Yeah. I don't know. I think she came and went. Yeah. We'll see. What do you got? Is she in rehab now? She's not sure today. I bet she's still young, too. I bet she was like an 18-year-old pop star. She seemed like one of those. Yeah. How old is she now? If she's younger than us, so help me God. Oh, she's definitely younger than us. But once the pedophiles, you get too old, they stop listening. You lose your demo. But yeah, Jazz Fest. So...

I want to trash one guy and praise one guy. Bring it on. All right. 38 years old. Oh, wow. She is older than you. Younger than me. So it's a good lineup. Lumineers, Dead & Co., Ludacris, Lizzo, Ed Sheeran. A lot of bangers. A lot of heavy hitters. No pun intended with the Lizzo. But...

I want to see John Baptiste. Yeah, he's great, right? Unreal from New Orleans, local. So it was Ludacris and John Baptiste at the same time. So she wanted to see Ludacris. You know, he's famous. He's a big name. He was a classic. I mean, he had some hits, too. What was it? Beer and Chicken? Wasn't that the album? Move, bitch, get out the way. I got hoes in different area codes. Yeah. That's a classic. Classic.

I don't want to trash the guy too hard, but he totally phoned it in. Really? Because he opens the area codes, and he goes, here we are in the 514, and it's the 504. So the whole crowd just goes, all right, this guy is just getting a paycheck. So he kind of phoned it in. And also rap, we were talking, rap, it's not great live. That's not always true. I saw Tlaib live once. Oh, really? It was amazing, yeah. Full band? Yeah.

Yeah, I was. Ah, that helps. He was just up there alone.

It's kind of like stand-up. You're like, this sucks. But Jean-Baptiste had his full high school orchestra. He had the marching band. He had a gospel choir. And he had a dance team on stage. And it was unreal. It was like a powerful transcendence. So you had to sway May into going to Baptiste, or was she easily swayed? She never heard of him. So she's like, we're leaving this famous guy to see this guy I've never heard of. I go, he's a local. He's a killer. He plays like nine instruments. She was like, all right, all right.

Best thing she ever did. She was moved. She was up on her feet, hooting and hollering. I mean, it was incredible. Damn. You know when a song is like, the whole crowd, it feels like one unit. It was like an energy. It was moving. Really something. I love good live music. And also, I met him once briefly. Did you meet him when you did Colbert? Mm-hmm. He was cool.

Super cool, super nice. Yeah, I wish I could talk to him a little more. Yeah. Yeah, you know, classic my parents. They're like, you're doing Colbert, you know, because they're obsessed with New Orleans. They're like, John Batiste is the band leader. I'm like, yes, yes. Can we get back to me? That's how they are. Yeah. But there he is. That was the show. Look, he's wearing his high school T-shirt. Oh, it was really something. Damn. I mean, the whole place is going nuts. Yeah.

It was really something. The marching band, everybody's sweating. Yeah, it feels very New Orleans, too. The colors and the beat. Oh, yeah. Purple and gold. It was really just... You know, because I'm not a dancer. You're not a dancer. But when you have that... Speak for yourself. Oh, okay, well... I'm a fine dancer. I'd like to see... I'm in there somewhere. But...

Isn't it weird when you're at a wedding or something and just one of your friends starts dancing and you're like, you can dance? I know. Like Ryan Hamilton. He can move. I'm like, this dude can fucking dance? Twinkle to Joe Liskindance. Yeah, Liskindance. Andy Haynes. No. He can shake a leg. Really? He's a stiff honky.

I'm shocked. Yeah. We can't. I don't even try, though. I think a lot of it's just like believing in yourself enough to try, and we don't believe in ourselves. No. And you got to let go. We can't let go. We're too busy observing. I can't let it loose. But during that, I was letting it loose. And plus, I was on drugs and drunk. That helps. Yeah, but it's hard to be like, look at that jerk off. And then you do it, and you're like, well, I'm worse. Yeah.

And it's a lot of, there's not one attractive person in New Orleans. So everybody's fat and gross and in tank tops and Crocs and they're just doing this shit. So you don't feel as weird when I do my finger guns and my white guy shit. But it was really something. You do the finger guns in Texas, they shoot back. You gotta be careful. Open carry. But at one point, John Batiste...

He was like jamming, rocking out, jumping up and down. And he goes, stop, stop, stop. He goes, guys, I need more from you. I need more. And the crowd was like, oh, shit. And then he kicked it back up and we all went crazy. I think it was a bunch of stiff whitey. But I was like, man, I wish I could do that at a show. Once a woman said to me during sex, it was very disheartening. I need more. It was all I got. Yeah, that's actually, I mean, we've done that. I guess we have done that. I do it at the cellar still. I'm like, guys, come on. Yeah.

I followed a comic theater and they did all crowd work and I'm going first. It was like a fallout spot. I forgot to call in. I was like, just give me anything you have. You go on after someone does all crowd work. I'm like, guys, come on. Came here in the rain. There's nothing worse than having a mediocre set and then leaving in the rain. Yes.

You're like, what is this, a fucking cliched movie? It's so true. What the hell is going on? Because on the way to the show, you're like, I'm going to get a standing O. I'm going to try that new bit. That new bit's going to open up another five minutes of new stuff. I'm going to be in the zone. And then it's like, guy doing crowd work. She's talking. They're not listening. Your reality really sets in. Let me make sure our guest is coming. Uh-oh. This is a little...

Aha. Classic Rosie O'Donnell. Damn. Now, I'd love to get Rosie. I just rewatched her on Curb. Really? Oh, man. League of Their Own? Oh, yeah. All the way May. She was hot. Damn. Madonna. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but Jess was great. Would you still Madonna? Yeah. Have you seen that meme going around? Madonna. Whoever thought Madonna would be less hot than Roseanne? Yeah.

And they put them side by side, and it's true. I'd fuck Roseanne, I think. Wow, look at Rosie trying to be hot. Yikes. That's going to haunt my dreams. She was thin then. Yeah, I guess so.

Yikes. That's what they would consider fat back in the day. That's true. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, she was a fat lady. She was like the fat punchline, but she's not that big. No, no. That just says how much we've changed as a society. We are now fatter than this, and now this looks thin. That works out for women, though.

But you know what's crazy is like you watch a sitcom from the 80s or 90s, 90% of the jokes are fat and gay jokes. Oh, 100%. It's insane. I tried to read, The Critic's one of my favorites and I rewatched it all the time, but it's like, man, I'm like, wow, I forgot how many of these jokes are just fat jokes. Yeah, Friends got in trouble for being fat phobic and all that. It's all Monica was fat. That's every other joke. And she wasn't even actually fat. No, but they were like fat suit things. They were fat suits, yeah. That's what I know.

Oh, yeah. Man, Madonna was so sexy back in the day. But look at her now. Come on. What happened? She looks like an allergic reaction. That's what plastic surgery does to you. Yeah, she got stung by a bunch of bees. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what's weird is like if you're a kid and you're like, one day, if I do anything to one day have sex with Madonna, and then you grow up and this is Madonna. Yeah. Yeah. Now do the Roseanne side by side. If you have a genie and the genie's like, you get to have sex with Madonna and this is the Madonna, you're like, fuck. I know the genie's laughing. Can I do a wish over? Yeah. The genie's like, all right, I'll give you Madonna in 2023. No. Is there another Madonna? Is she the only Madonna? Yeah.

What do you mean? Is there another person in history named Madonna? Yes. Lady Madonna. Jesus is... Oh, not his mother. I thought it was Mary. Mary Magdalene? Oh, fuck. How awful is this? The Madonna is... Mary Mag... No, it's not Mary. It's his mother, right? I don't fucking know. Mary? That's Mary. Mother Mary. If only we had something to Google this. It's Mary's nickname? What? They didn't have nicknames in the Before Christ times? Oh, boy.

But they have the Madonna syndrome, which is when you can't be attracted to people you like, which I have.

What do you mean? If I'm into you, I can't get it up. Really? Oh, yeah. But if you're just some throwaway, one and done, bam, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, I'm a porn star. How's marriage working out for you? Not great. I have to pretend to not know her. It helps. It does help. Like when someone's a rude bitch to me, I'm kind of like, wow.

It really, there's that Seinfeld episode. Remember Jerry's girlfriend is so rude to George. Yes. Falling in love with her. Totally. Totally relate to that. Totally. I mean, how much porn now is just like you piece of shit. And I'm like, yes, I am a piece of shit. Right. I, I, yeah, I've had women turn me on by accident just by being cruel. Whoa. Cruel. I don't like you like cruel, cruel, cruel, but like rude. Okay. What do you, what did give me an example? Oh,

Oh, I like the rude. The rude works. Like, shut up, you idiot. I'm like, oh, God. Reminds me of my mom. More like of a tease, I guess. I mean, like, rude. Like, if a woman just, like, slammed a door in my face, I wouldn't be like, I need to fuck her. Right. But, like, you know. It says here. No, I'm with you. Madonna mistress complex is the inability to maintain a sexual arousal within a committed loving relationship. There you go. I have that. But knowing I have that makes it, helps me get over it. What do you do, like, games or something? Uh...

No, I think I just toss her around a little bit.

Throw a wig on ever? Yeah, wig. You have wigs? Yeah, we got wigs. What color are we talking? We got blonde. We got cornrows. We got blackface. You name it. We do what we got to do, but... The cornrows and the blackface are for you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, mammy. But she likes when I'm mean to her. So it kind of works out because I don't think I'm a mean guy. So I can be mean and now it feels like it's not me. Yeah, it's kind of... I've found that women do like...

a man who's a little you know dominating yo for sure you know they don't like a guy who's like they want you to be like get your fucking ass yeah i'll never do that sound again but uh a guy they want a guy who's like you know like a don draper type yes well it's like the chris rock joke excuse me uh mrs uh could you lick my balls ha

Lick your own balls. You got to have some authority. But she likes it. She likes it mean. So, you know, it takes me out of it a little bit and then I can get hard. And also when you're getting blown, it's hard to not get it up. It's also hard to be mean while you're getting blown. True. She's sucking your dick. You're like, yeah, you suck that dick, bitch. And she's like, what the hell?

Sorry. Well, you know these Wall Street guys, they dominate all day. They're yelling at clients. They're yelling on the phone. So then they want their balls stomped on. I think women all day, people open the door for them. They go, how are you, ma'am? Ladies first. So then they want a little mistreatment in the bedroom. The ball stomping, I totally agree. I mean, it's like the opening scene on Billions when he's literally getting pissed on. Yeah. That's the opposite of his life, these politicians. But the ball stomping...

never spoke to me. It seems like a bit of a stretch. Of course. What about the ball stompings gone wrong? Oh,

What if that goes wrong? Your ball stomped. Now you got one ball. Yeah, very easy for that to go wrong. Sure, especially if she's wearing high heels. Oh my God, you get an impaled testicle. I'm not in any pain. I don't like a lip bite. I don't even like to scratch. There's enough pain in life. Yes. It's going to be unpredictable pain. Why are we writing out pain? And it's going to burn when I pee after this anyway. How about the people who are putting a cigarette out on you?

What the hell is that? No, no. How easy is your life that you're asking for extracurricular pain? Good point. Good point. I'm with you. Yeah, they got it too good. Well, same with the Cutters. I was always attracted to the Cutters in high school. Really? Yeah, because they wouldn't end their life, so I didn't have to worry about a suicide, I don't think. But they were damaged enough to like...

I was like, I'll save her. I'll save the girl who cuts herself. Yeah. And then I'd date her and they'd be like, this is worse. This is even worse. This is worse than the cutting. The black community have an expression for that. It's called Captain Save-A-Ho. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. They think if you're trying to save a woman from her circumstances, you're the hero, but you're not really. Great name for a cheap gardening store. You got to come down to Save-A-Ho. Save money on hoes. Sounds like a shitty rum. Captain Save-A-Ho. Yo-ho, blow the man down. All right.

Sorry. Save-a-ho. Captain Save-a-ho. Man, where's that Marvel movie? Fuck Black Adam. I want Captain Save-a-ho. Still with Brie Larson. Yeah, man. More like Cheddar Larson. All right. What's going on with... What is that? The need to save? It's a very weird thing. I think I still have it. I don't have the need to save. I get the one to like me, but...

But the save. Maybe if you save them from a circumstance, they're indebted to you and they'll stay with you and won't leave you. That's a great point. That's probably it. Yeah. A little Salamanca therapy for us today. But what about the girl who doesn't like you? You get her to like you. Now you don't like her.

Yeah, where you're like, was that easy? Yeah, right. You hated me, then I spun it around, and now you like me? I'm just like, ugh. Exactly. It's like a video game. If it's too easy, you're done with it. Yeah. You don't want to keep playing. You want a challenge. Yeah, if it's hard, you play that thing every night and try to beat it, like her. Did you guys see this Trump clip? I'm changing it. What is it? This is when he was in the deposition on the rape case.

Allegations that E. Carol, E. whatever her name is, brought against him about rape in the 80s. What? I didn't know that. He met this woman at Bergdorf. They went in the back room. He forced himself on her, according to her story. Oh, yeah. I've heard of this. She was on TV a bunch, wasn't she? Yeah, during the last election. Really? Yeah. So anyway, he was depoed on this.

And they brought up the... You know who loves this story is Saks Fifth Avenue. And they brought up the Access Hollywood tape. And they're like, do you really think that... I should just play this. Do you really think you can grab women by the pussy? And then he just does nothing for his own defense here. Can I play something? Let's hear it. I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait.

And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. That's what you said, correct? Well, historically, that's true with stars. True with stars that they can grab women by the pussy? Whoa. This dude's in a rape case, and he's defending... If you look over the last million years, I guess that's been largely true. Not always, but largely true.

The last million years is a long way to look back. Yeah, that's a big number. It was cool a million years ago. Yeah, well, that's the funny thing about progress, you know? Right. You know what was cool 150 years ago? Slavery. Some shit's changed. Yeah.

The last million years, you could grab a Triceratops by the pussy. Like, how far back are we going here? But you just gotta love him for staying true to who he is. It's like, yeah, I said this. I'll double down on it, even during my own rape trial. He does not flinch. And also hearing someone else read it, it's kind of funny. Yeah, true. Because you're like, man, his voice is really... I mean, when you hear someone else reading that... It's like when you go into casting. Right. You're doing an audition, and they're lifelessly reading this script. Yeah.

That's what it felt like. Yeah. Wait, so what does he say? It's not in his DNA to say I should not have done that. Of course. He can't do it. You think Melania is ever like, this hurt my feelings. And he's like, I'm really sorry that made you feel that way. No chance. It's not in his DNA. No. He can't do it. Can't do it. I think you can say that. Yeah. And now you said before, a couple of minutes ago, that this was just locker room talk. It's locker room talk. And so does that mean that you didn't really mean it?

No, it's locker room talk. I don't know. It's just the way. She's trying to give it out. Okay. Oh, he's not taking that out though.

I thought he had another line where he was like, she's not my type anyway. Yeah. Do you want to see that? Well, if it's funny. Also, I've been to a decent amount of locker rooms in my life. I've never had people be like, you just rape. You just rape them. No. I mean, look, we are a little more vulgar when we're just around. Sure. Man, I went to an all boys school. We're a little more vulgar. Yeah. A lot of farting and what do you call it? Dick chicken. And you do say some shit about women that you would not say to women. Obviously. But.

But when you're just like, yeah, you rape. That's locker room. That's fucking insane. Yeah. You were just referring to? I think so, yes. So part also is defense publicly, not here. He said, she's not my type. I would never, which is pretty disgusting, but whatever. I'm not passing judgment. And so he's shown this picture and I'm going to ask you, is this the photo that you were just referring to? I think so, yes. And do you recall when you first saw this photo?

At some point during the process, I saw it. That's, I guess, her husband, John Johnson, who was an anchor for ABC. Nice guy. I thought, I mean, I don't know him, but I thought he was pretty good at what he did. Here it comes. I don't even know who the woman. Let's see. I don't know who. It's Marla.

I don't know her, but I know her name. He said, this is Marla Maples in the photo. Yeah. I didn't know who she was. It's Jean Carroll. It's the other woman that he. Gotcha. So he's saying my type is not Jean Carroll, yet he confused her with Marla. Wow. I mean, your whole case is done there. I don't get it. She's not my type, but Marla was his ex-wife.

Oh, okay, got it. I didn't know that. The woman who was raped with his ex-wife. He was like, this is Marla in this photo, but it was actually the accuser. Interesting. And what does that mean? That's Marla. That's my wife. Which woman are you pointing to? Here. He looks tired. The person you just pointed to was E.J. Carroll. Who is that? He's out of Adderall.

Anyway, I thought that was pretty stunning. Interesting. Maybe I was too drugged out. I missed all this. It's amazing that he was president and he doesn't drink coffee.

Or beer. Isn't that weird? I mean, Diet Coke, that's where he gets his caffeine. That's like not a good caffeine. No. Diet Coke's sneaky bad for you. Oh, I don't even know if it's sneaky anymore. I think it was sneaky back in the day. Yeah, because we all thought it was healthy. Ooh, look at me, Diet Coke. But now it's aspartame and all this other shit, NutraSweet. Yeah.

Colin Quinn had a Diet Coke like four a day, and I don't think that helped him. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it's not good. No. Also, you rarely see a Diet Coke drinker, and you're like, you look really healthy. That's true. It's never like a dude where I'm like, that dude shredded. And he's like, what's your secret? Diet Coke. Right. No. You look like shit usually. Okay. Is she here? Hey. All right. I need to know if I need to switch to no guest mode or guest mode.

What do you mean? Well, if it's no guests, I'll turn it up and then we'll do our show. But if we have a guest, I'll turn it up and do her show. No, we're good to go. All right. Times you turned it up.

I turn it up in different ways. I can turn up the heat, turn up the cold, turn on the fan, turn on the defrost. You name it. I don't know what any of that means. I don't either. Very confused. I don't either. I was talking out of my ass. I didn't want to leave you hanging. As Carlin said to you, you got a real talent for jacking around. Hey, what's shaking? I'm so sorry. It's a writer's strike. You got nothing to do? Good to see you, buddy. Hello.

Hello. Congratulations. Hugs. You're late in more ways than one. I know. I know. Yeah. Yes, I'm late in many ways. Wow. I'm 18 weeks late. Were you at a writer's strike thing? No, I didn't. I have not been picketing. Well, no, I have. I have. I've been picketing twice a week like we're supposed to. Oh, okay. Cool. Well, you got an out anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I showed up there and there was like a lady there with like an 11-day-old kid. Whoa. And I was like, oh, I have to be here. Okay.

Oh, way to ruin it, lady. I know. I was like, you're making the rest of us look so bad. Jesus. I'm like, this is the one time we have an excuse. Yeah. You know? Anyway. Damn. How are you guys? Mother of the year. Hey, good, good. I mean, thanks for making it. I know you're... Of course. Thanks for having me. I'm psyched. Psyched? Psyched? Is there kind of something with the strike where you're like, hey, we got some time off?

100%. Okay. Oh, yeah. The second that I heard the news, I booked two tickets to Mexico. Whoa. Good for you. The second I heard. I was like, I'm going. When are you going?

We leave on Thursday. Hell yeah. Yeah. We're going to go to Cancun for a couple days. Then I'm taking my mom to Italy. Oh, this is amazing. I'm really kind of... You're hoping this is not resolved. It's like COVID without the virus. I want it resolved, but I'm not... If they're like, oh, it's resolved, but AI is going to write all the scripts and you guys have to punch them up, I'm going to be like, that's fine. I'm going to be like, that's...

Are we making more money? Is that like an actual thing that people are talking about at the... Oh, yeah. It's coming, baby. That's insane, right? I don't think it's insane. I mean, what do you mean? What part of it is insane? I mean, they first came for the cashiers and now they're like watching Frasier pilots. Like, we could do this. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, that part of it, I'm like... Because people are like, oh, that's insane. Some people, they're like, oh, we're overthinking this. We're worrying about this project.

But I don't think it's I think it's a real genuine problem. Wouldn't it make more sense for the AI to do the CEO job, though? Because that's all algorithmic. And that's like, what, $55 million as opposed to what writers get paid? That's a really good point. Yeah, it's a really good point. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Because they have the money.

So they won't. You need to overthrow. Not really. Cut that part out. I'm probably going to do another special there at some point. Elon came out and was like, you guys, they have to stop the AI. They have to stop. I saw that. Didn't he? Yeah. He's totally against it. So that means that technically, I guess they could take over for CEOs. Like that's a genuine. Well, maybe Elon could buy artificial intelligence and then it will crash and we'll be okay. Yeah. Well, the head of Google is like,

this is bad. Yeah. He's the head of Google and you're like, oh, so it's bad now that you're 78 and a multi, multi billionaire. Right. Now, since you invented this thing, you're like, oh, this is bad, but I'll keep the money. Right. And didn't he take off? He took off. He's done. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, he's like right before the fucking, he lit the fucking match. Yes. Threw it on the house and just walks out. Yeah. Exactly. What a piece of garbage. But,

Who knows? I think we still got like five years before it can really do on some zingers. Well, how many jobs? By the way, Vitor sent me a joke. He searched a joke in Gary Vitor, his voice for AI and Sam Morrell's voice, AI, and they're both terrible jokes. It was like, who are these people? Never heard of them. It comes up. I know. It's crazy. We could look up a Mark Norman joke and...

AI. Have you guys heard the set that they had? What's his name from the Patriots? Tom Brady? Yeah, have you heard Tom Brady's set? No. Is it good? It's kind of good. Really? It's kind of funny. Who do you think wrote it? It's AI. It's all AI.

Damn. It's an AI set where Tom Brady is like the voice and it's like a lot of shit jokes and it's pretty funny. That was all we had on these people. He's like a good looking tall athlete and we were funny and now he's got everything. I know. He could have hired writers. He would have been okay regardless. At least those writers would have gotten work. Yes. Good point.

I know. Well, I mean, it's a crazy time because you're fortunate enough to have a job with SNL where it's, you know, not a year-round job, but almost year-round, right? Yeah. As opposed to these shows, like, I think of all these shows now, like, Barry or shows like that, they're like eight episodes a season. Yeah, and it's like the real benefit with SNL

any writing job any like even if snl was like six months out of the year it's the residuals right like that's the whole point of the strike is like writers could get by on one job a year because they got residuals from that job right and now you get a streaming job and those jobs are a they're shorter rooms like they last for like i don't know six weeks or something you get no residuals

And there's less writers that they're hiring. So they're making so much more money and we're getting paid so much less. It's like a gig economy now. You can't get by without, I mean, for me to, if I didn't have SNL, I think I'd have to take six, like I'm saying six jobs a year probably to like make it.

to make it work, like streaming jobs. - It's crazy, when I started stand-up, my mom was like, "Please be a screenwriter, please be a writer, that's a safer job." And now I look at it like, "Thank fucking God I did not go that route." 'Cause I was just thinking like, the only thing with writing to me was you have to wait for someone to be like, "You're hired." And with stand-up, I figured if I could fill a room, I'm safe. - Yeah, that's it, you gotta sell tickets. So what is the suits or whoever, who are we railing against?

The networks? The platforms? Basically the streamers. Okay. Because their stocks, as far as I understand, their stocks have plummeted last year. And if they give the writers what they want again, it's going to happen again, right? I've not heard anything about that. I mean, I know I've heard about Netflix's stocks and all that. But really what it is is that the streamers refuse to pay residuals. And the whole strike is about...

wanting residuals from the streamers because they're saying, oh, we can't figure out a way to pay you residuals because we're not broadcast. And it's like, well, we know that you have a way of tracking how many views something is getting. True. We know that if you wanted to do it, you could find a way because that's just, that's like the thing in entertainment. Anytime I call, you know, any rep that like,

can't do something, they'll be like, oh yeah, you know, that's not possible. And I'm like, not for you, but it's possible. Do you know what I mean? Every time. Sirius XM was always very shady with their numbers as well. Yeah. But you know if something's hitting. But it's just funny, back in the day, it was such a big thing, like the box office. I remember in the paper, this is what this movie made, this is what this movie made. Now so many movies come out on Netflix. Yeah. They're like, it's top 10. Yeah. Right.

Right? Or whatever that means. This is just going to cause more independent stuff, more internet, like full-on TV shows online with real writers room. Yeah. And yeah, the streamers are going to, I think it's going to hurt them. Yeah. They'll have more cake. Is it cake?

or whatever the fuck. We don't need a writer. Don't attack some great TV. Let's not go after Mikey Day. We slice Norman in half. He's a red velvet with that jacket on. There have been so many jokes about is it cake in the writer's room at SNL.

That's a funny concept. Everybody shits on Is It Cake? And Mikey just fucking, he's such a good sport about it. But it's so fun. It's everyone's favorite show to make fun of. Yeah, I mean, I would take that host gig. I'm just saying. For sure. There's going to be a lot more British Bake Off and all this reality stuff. You see Love is Blind. Was this not written by AI? Yeah, right? That does not seem like a human was like, Love is Blind. They don't see each other. That's true. That seems like a robot. It feels like an algorithm.

idea yeah for sure and it's huge it's a very popular show wasn't Bird Box a full like feature that was kind of built off of was it really yeah I think Bird Box was like I read something about that about how have you made it through an episode of any these dating shows are fucking horrible I've made it through everything I love them women love them I fucking love them I watched Love is Blind because a woman was like watch it and I was like this is this is bad I can't do any of it yeah it's bad but it's so good what's the appeal

Relationship, interaction. I didn't get into it until I got pregnant. And then I was like, I was home and I was like so tired and nauseous. And it was the only thing that would like...

Occupy my brain. Whatever part of my brain was like worried about like whatever's going on inside of me. I just got completely outside of myself and was able to like watch the Real Housewives just spin out on alcohol and Adderall. It's escape. And just fully. Yeah. I was like, this is like watching the Super Bowl. These people, they fight with each other and you get to you get to decide who won the episode. Yeah.

It's your sports. Yeah, after they've all like thrown shit at a dinner party. Yeah. And it never fails. They're like, they're starting off happy. They're eating breakfast. They're on a beach. And then within 17 seconds, there's a pancake going across the table. Yeah. It's so great. When somebody starts crying at dinner, I'm like, this is my fucking happy place.

It's beautiful. It's like your childhood. It kind of is. I mean, I grew up with four women, so it's like, yeah. Yeah, my lady, she loves all that stuff, but she'll wait till I leave because I think she wants to like get in pajamas, light a candle, flick the bean, and watch the show. And so I'll come in like, oh, I forgot my phone. And then she's all like,

Ice cream, mascara's running, hair's up. And I'm like, oh, that's your porn. Because for me, it's the opposite. I get the lotion out. I get the laptop open. And then she comes in. The belt around your neck. The needle in your arm. Do you guys know anything about the Evander Pump shit? She watches all of it. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I'm going to see that guy's band tonight. I'm going to see him live tonight. This has all been forced on me by a woman. And it's literally just like, it's so good. I'm like, damn.

But she's like, but you hate all of them. And she's like, I know. I'm like, so you just watch people you hate. Yeah. Yeah, but you put the Knicks on them. But I love the Knicks. But they don't. Yeah. I'm sure you have girlfriends in the past who didn't love basketball. And you might not like whoever the Knicks are playing against. Yeah, but the Knicks have a skill.

I'm not defending their talents. What's the skill? These people, they're not even charismatic. I don't understand. That's part of it. They're manipulative. And they're entertaining. Yes, exactly. That is a skill. I mean, some of these women were built in a lab for reality TV. Oh, 100%. And they're fun to look at because a lot of them have so much work

done yeah they're like furious but they can't tell yeah you know like a warning before you see their faces yeah it's crazy i remember parts were like that one's supposed to be the hot one you have to be like yeah i totally wouldn't fuck her that's my favorite part i would definitely not do that well the fuck boy island or what was that one hot island yeah that there was some hot ladies on that so at least there was some eye candy well they have milf island now and that was like

literally a joke on 30 Rock. Yeah, that's right. Remember that? Now it's an actual show. And it's a fucking great show. Is it? It's a great show. If you haven't watched Melf Island, you are, I mean, you're just missing out. Yeah. What is that one on? They could be hotter, if I'm being completely honest. Oh, yeah, they could definitely be hotter, but just, they're on an island with their sons. Yeah, it's a great premise. I came here to be number one. Come on.

Yikes. Yeah, you're right. These people were born for this stuff. No, this is 30 Rock. This is the takeoff on it. I want the real one. Oh, excuse me. Yeah, yeah. Because those were too hot. I want the real shit. It's like these guys, basically these moms go to an island with their... You guys know the premise of the show, right? Oh, yeah. Tell him. Okay, so they go to an island with their sons...

And then their sons try to fuck the other moms. Yeah. Oh, my God. And that's the whole thing. I was married for 14 years. I want to get a chance to do me a little. Young men have much more energy. Oh, yeah. I want that. Especially in the bedroom. I am amazing, beautiful mansion here. What happens when they leave the island and they go back to their shitty life? Are they still going to be with the guy? No. You're about to embark.

Yeah, I mean, they could be dead. Who cares? It's just a fuck vacation. Who cares? Yeah. It's like, fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Okay? Nobody gives a shit about their lives outside of the show. The saddest one, though, is...

90 Day Fiance. 90 Day Fiance is sad. That one bums me out. Too bummer-y. That one, yeah, that one's a bummer. Yeah, Vanderpump, we're laughing at how crazy everybody is, how drunk everybody is, but a guy moving from Cleveland to go to Belarus to meet some model who's actually in a wheelchair. I mean, the whole thing is... Yeah, the whole thing is very sad. Yeah. Someone's always recovering from a surgery, you know, they just got, or like, you know what I mean? Like, they just really need a hand. Best case, budget. Yeah.

There's always something... If you meet under those circumstances, one of you is getting fucked. Yeah. Oh, easily. There's no way. There's no way it's just like an equal... Yeah. Well, I think if you meet on any kind of reality TV...

like situation you're gonna get fucked regardless like your your life is you have to be in a bad position i think to go on any of these shows yes this is a desperate plea no matter what way you fucking cut it it's a desperate plea for something for attention for money for uh clout for whatever yep everybody's got their reason for going on and all the reasons are sad but

That's why we watch. Do people go on, you think, still thinking? I guess their Instagrams blow up. Oh, yeah. So you're just like, well, I'll be famous. That's all it is. Yeah. You can make something. Like, here's the thing. Going on reality TV is a gamble. Like, you could make something out of it, right? Yeah. You could, if you use it right, you can get successful off of it. Definitely. But very, very, very few people have. Yes.

It's like trying to go viral. Right. Theo is like one of the few. Oh, yeah, Theo. So was Christina P. She was on there. But I was... I've been to comedy clubs where they're like, oh, next up is me, then Drew Carey, then, you know, Matteo Lane, and then Vanderpump Lady. Oh, she does stand-up? Yeah, they'll go up and do like a Q&A or something. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen stand-ups on...

there was like a show, like what was it? Real Housewives of New York. There was like a standup show and I saw a couple of standups. There you go. Yeah. But I will say 90 Day Fiance, it makes me kind of patriotic because some guys like, I'll do anything just to get to Destin or just to get to Tulsa, you know, and they live in a shoe box in Tulsa and he's like, oh,

Oh, what a country. He's walking through Walmart looking at the guns. He's just like, this is amazing. Yeah, it's paradise to them. Then he gets shot. We're like, it's not the best country, but we're working on it. Get with them all. Right. Exactly. You're right. It does make you patriotic. You realize, damn, America's, some people, they'll give up. They have a much better profession and they come here. Oh, yeah. He's a doctor in Poland and he wants to go to Tallahassee.

And he'll work as a busboy. Tallahassee. Right. Yeah, there's that one guy that doesn't have a neck. What's his name? Yeah. He blew up. He blew up. Yeah. He blew up, yeah. He's cute. He was sad enough that everybody felt, they felt for him. Yes, yes. And he's visually stunning. Like, you just can't not look at him. Oh, my God. There he is. No neck. Yeah. What happened to Gene Simmons? That is crazy. Yeah. That guy's famous.

Oh, he's huge. Yeah. He'll be at the cellar. He just got passed. Yeah, he's wild. Who did he marry? I didn't even watch. Like, I know him and I never even saw this season. There's his lady. She's pretty cute. She's probably like Laotian or Laos. I think she's Filipino. Filipino. Filipino.

Oh, yeah. The hottest Asian, I say. Really? Easily. That's your favorite? Easy. Well, what are you going with? Respectfully disagree. It's either that or North Korea. Only North. Just for the danger element. He kind of looks like Kim Jong. He's got the same body. Nice screensaver, by the way. I remember going on a date with a Russian woman. I was like, this will never work. She's like, why? I was like, well, I can't go to Russia with you. I've made too many Putin jokes. Ah, yeah.

You know, what am I going to meet your family? That'd be the set. They're not going to. They already bailed out Griner. They're not going to get me. No one's going to rally behind me. Right. True. Although imagine having to owe Biden or Trump. Like, because who's a rapper that Trump got out? Oh, yeah. Waka Flocka. Black?

Kodak Black. I did not know that Russia bailed out Grindr. Wait, what? Britney Grindr. Oh, Grindr. Okay. I thought you said Grindr. They are not cool with Grindr. And then I was like thinking of the porn. Did you guys see the porn documentary? The fucking Pornhub doc? I couldn't get into it. I tried. Was Grindr involved in that? Did Russia get? Okay, sorry. I had a whole fucking plot line in my head. No, but I think about that all the time. Imagine owing your life to Biden or Trump.

Yeah. Yeah. Oof. Well, who they got the, what was that guy, the killer? Who was the guy we traded for Griner? Oh, the, fuck, what's his name? He's like a crazy killer. The Merchant of Death? That's it, Merchant of Death.

Good times. Damn. Not a good trade. Not great. Yeah, you didn't really see that in the news very much. You just saw Griner's back. He didn't see. He didn't see. We traded Griner for the merchant of death. Yeah. Victor Bout. So he killed a bunch of people and we arrested him. I think he was an arms dealer. Huge arms dealer. All right, well, they're both taking shots. Yeah. All right. Do we have any news stories, Salicus? Count it.

Here we go. We like to riff off the news a little. Do you want to read them? Yeah, this one's fun. All right. Welcome back to the writer's room. You thought you had a break. I was like, Jesus Christ. You'll be in Mexico before you know it. An Australian artist is bringing the experience of death to life via the participatory virtual reality simulator, showing people what it could be like.

As if you're dying. You know who loves this? Dying people. They're in jail like, what? Or not jail, in the hospital, laying in a bed. Like, what the fuck? This is like DMT for cowards. I heard someone's experimenting with a DMT drip.

Really? So it's not just like a 30-second thing. It's like an hour-long prolonged DMT trip. Can you choose how you're dying? Because this is very vague. Are we talking about falling off a cliff? You can do like heart attack and they revive you. Oh. Yeah, so it's like they say it's very realistic. Also, I heard he came up with one where it's as if you're getting raped in prison.

Oh, nice. And yeah, it's very realistic. They walk in, they say, are you with the Aryan Nation? You say, it only goes downhill from there, basically. No, I think it's very realistic. You could do like, look it up, it's like heart attack. Really? It can do...

But what is that? What do you see? It vibrates and shit. Oh, okay, okay. And then I don't know what else it was. What else did they have? Imagine getting the wrong vibrator in the bedroom. Your wife's like, hey, get that vibrator. You're actually going to get a bunch of people doing DMT at his fucking exhibit. Yes, true. Is what's going to happen. Oh, my God. Dying high? Yeah. You're going to have some fucked up people going to these events.

I think I'll choose the VR episode where I get fucked to death by the horse. Yeah. You remember that video? That's what I want to get. Just me in a museum with the goggles on like this. By the way, they don't know. This isn't realistic. You don't know how you're going to die. You get hit by a bus tomorrow. This is like dying as if you die slowly in a hospital. This isn't like you could get stabbed by your wife tomorrow. Yeah, third world countries aren't like this. I'm talking to you, Salacuse. Yeah, man.

I mean, I guess I would pick just killing myself over doing that. I'd rather just kill myself. This would be great if Mark took it and it was just me driving his car. That was the last thing he saw. Yeah. A man who advocated caning for adultery gets caned for adultery. I love it. An eye for an eye.

an eye nice this is like when the canceler gets canceled it's fun when the shit happens yeah reverse an indonesian man has been publicly flogged for adultery under the draconian law which he helped create oh indonesian hot as asian they this is like scarlet letter shit yeah i mean you you have a mark on your back they came here i'm surprised this is happening to a man

Oh, they hit the woman too. It comes up next. Oh, they hit her too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For adultery. 28 lashes. Interesting. Now, what is the adultery? Because that's also very vague. I guess sex outside of marriage. Oh. Or when you're married. She got it too. Okay. The wife? No. I'm kidding. Might as well. Literally, that's where my brain went. Yeah. I was like, they're probably hitting the wife. Sure.

But that's kind of nice that you, at least now it's like a level playing field. Like if she sticks around and she's like, you cheated on me. At least now he's like, yeah, well, my fucking back is. Fucked up. Yeah. I have a hole in my heart. Well, I have a fucking permanent scar. Right. Okay. Yeah. I feel like it's fair. Yeah. You get punished. Yeah. I like the idea that if you cheat, it's like, hey, it's our secret. Don't say anything. You're going to get caned. Don't tell my wife. Oh, good call. Oh, it actually encourages. Yeah.

Secrecy. Guy who's thinking about cheating on his wife. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Now you're thinking like a married guy. Right. Also, what if you're into pain? We were talking about the ball stomping earlier. Those Wall Street guys like their ball stomp. What if you like a little caning action? Maybe that's like where he got the idea. Yeah. He just comes all over that fucking platform. Yeah.

That's got to suck for that executioner type guy, whatever canes you. Oh, yeah. Because it's one of those dudes in a mask who just beats you, I guess. What a weird gig. I know, right? How do you get that gig? I'd like to apply for the caner, please. You got some anger problems, I think. Right. By the way, it says also they cane you if you're drunk in public, I think. What? Or gay. What? Mark, you wouldn't last a fucking minute over there. Oh, for which reason? Mark just walks in, I'm gay. Get him.

Get that guy. I'm drunk and I'm gay. Yeah. Well, they lead to each other too. Yeah, I was going to say. I was thinking if you're a gay dude who cheats on your wife. Oh, you're double Cain. Yeah. Damn. I'm Michael Cain. What's up?

Here's an interesting story. Some studios looking into having AI-generated scripts during the writer's strike. Which studios? Some. I said some. They do good work, some. That are punched up by human counterparts once the strike has been settled. Ooh.

comment yeah i already i mean i clearly did my research on the way over here and uh i was like that's fine with me did you see the meme that said ai is taking 300 million jobs it's just a picture of alan iverson yeah what a pretty good meme yeah i don't get it like he's i'm an idiot yeah yeah sorry sorry this is like do you think this is gonna fuck writing

I don't know. I mean, I just kind of like, dude, after the last four years, I'm kind of like, if it happens, you know, it happens. It's like we've lived through fucking the craziest time, I think, to live through in comedy. Oh, yeah.

Oh, 100%. And I'm like, if this were to happen, I'd be like, all right, yeah, why not? Why wouldn't it? Yeah, and it's one of those things you can't stop it. We go, TVs are crazy. Kids aren't reading anymore. They're staying in all day. TVs are here to stay. Cars, they're going to kill the horse and buggy community. That's gone. It's just things, phones. You can't stop technology. What I will say is this. I feel okay. I mean, famous last words. I feel okay, but...

With people That have jobs Like kind of people In our class On our You know what I mean In our

where we're at. Yeah. But I do feel really horribly for people that are just now starting out in comics. Oh, 100%. Like, I just feel like, oh my God, what the fuck are they, what would they do? But some of them are going to lap other comedians because of the technology. True, true. There's also that. Yeah, they could do that too. And a lot of them probably are going to be great and then some of them are going to suck. I mean, it's like, you see some of these comics blowing up on TikTok too soon and they get to the clubs and...

They don't have a really full act, but they're headlining because they have a following, you know? Right, yeah. A lot of that. But I was in a green room on the road recently with some young whippersnapper who was hosting for me, and I was like, well, you guys, I can't crack the code on this bit. And he goes...

have you thought about this? And they were all great suggestions. Like, man, this kid's good, but he pulled up AI. But I didn't even think to do the chat GPT because I was just working on a bit and he gave me like eight good tags and I was like, those are all chat GPT. But it was AI. No, he was just, yeah, he was doing it on his phone.

And I was like, oh my God. So he could just come up with a premise and then do this shit. And then he's like, oh, I got 12 punchlines. I'll try it. It's a great idea. Then you just look at him and you shoot him in the face. Yeah, I wanted to. I was nervous. I was like, oh no. That's fucking crazy. Crazy, crazy. And now I'm using one of the tags. Got it.

Gotta give that robot special thanks in your next special. I know. I'm like, before AI, I think Mark was the closest thing we had to. A robot that tells jokes? That's my thing. What the hell? It's scary. It is scary. It's fucking, it's terrifying. Well, they're always looking at it to save money. It just sucks when it happens and...

creative spaces because this is like where you thought you were safe I thought we were safe I know yeah but you're gonna have to have a big persona now people are gonna like Fluffy Fluffy I don't know his act that well but he's so lovable and the crowds love him he sells out everywhere at the arenas yeah I think if he had AI comedy people would just be like wow we want to see Fluffy right so you need to have a thing now it's crazy that you know like truckers and people are like oh now you fucking care

Right. You know what I mean? Like all these people that were losing jobs for this. True, true. You know? Yeah. But AI can't do offensive humor, can it?

Sure can. I don't know. I think it has weird... Can you pull up the... I keep thinking Ted Bundy, and I know that's not his name. Thank you. Can you look up the Tom Brady AI stand-up set? Okay, okay. I just want you guys to hear some of it. All right. Is it dirty? It's dirty. I mean, it's like... Damn it. It's not like sexual dirty, but there's so many shit jokes. Yeah.

Yeah, he used your clothes when out to lunch, too. Damn it. All right. I'm like, I don't want to slow down the momentum of everything. Also, they got to pay for your likeness. So maybe you'll just get, if they do a Sam Morrill stay-eye thing, they'll still have to pay you for using your, I think so, for using your face and everything. I don't think they have to do that. Oh, shit. I mean, I don't know how you would, that's kind of what the...

In a way, that's what the writers strike. We're trying to negotiate with them about AI and about the advancements that are happening, and the responses have been just like,

we'll check in about advancements in technology once a year. We can just talk about it, which it's like, what? Yeah, that's terrifying. What, do we just get together and be like, pretty impressive what happened this year. It feels like it's going to end up like Squid Games. Yeah. Like one writer gets paid, everyone competes against each other. They murder all the rest. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Yeah, it's scary. But I do think what's going to happen is we got the writer's strike. The DGA is going to get involved. I think SAG is going to get involved. And then they're going to have every single person. IATSE is getting involved too. And I think once all the other unions kind of join into the strike,

then they're going to be kind of like fucked. Because if they don't have crew, then they can't shoot anything. If they don't have a director, they can't shoot anything. True, true. So that fucks with reality too. That's true. Okay, that gives me hope. Does this look like it's it? I knew we had it too good for too long. I think a lot of people thought I'd be bad at this, but honestly it's pretty easy. Not as easy as winning a Super Bowl, but pretty easy. You know, when I decided I was going to do stand-up,

I asked some other big comics what kind of comedy they thought I should start with, and I got some great advice. Across the board, they said, stay away from talking about football. Talk about anything else in your life, but if you're serious about comedy, you can't rely on who you were as a football player. And I said, can I talk about my divorce? Yeah, right? This gives me hope. This is not funny.

How many people here tonight have been in a huddle? Okay, put your hand down if your last huddle was in Pop Warner. Okay, put your hand down if your last huddle was in high school, college, the XFL, the CFL. Not stand-up. I guess they played the part of it. That is it. Like, that was the... But it was...

I guess it took a long time to get into it, but then he started talking about taking a shit. We were all listening to it. We were like, oh, whatever. This is nothing. This isn't scary. Then he started telling shit jokes, and we were all like, oh, fuck. That's our thing. Yeah, that's scary. Shit jokes and fart jokes, everybody loves those. Yeah, those are a hit. Good point. Knocked it off.

Maybe just put in Tom Brady shit jokes, AI. You got it. Yeah. Give that a shot.

But anyway, I didn't mean to. No, no, this is interesting. Yeah, it's kind of like, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't either. And here's my theory. I think it's going to be two camps. It's going to be like acoustic and auto-tune. Like we want to just see a band play or we want to see a DJ. You know, and I think it'll be like that with AI comedy. Like, no, we want to go see Rosebud live.

Or we'll go see this AI thing for half the price. I think it's going to turn into like a human versus computer thing. Yeah. Yeah, we want to see Mark Norman live at the Funny Bone. Like, no, fuck that. I want to see the Tom Brady remix. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. I do feel like even the internet is kind of like fucked with...

just the way that i do my set on the road you know what i mean where it's like i i end and then i have to do like 15 minutes of just like back and forth with the audience to find something to cut up to put on you know what i mean so it's like that alone is kind of depressing and then and then not that i mind interacting with the audience like that but there's it just gets to be like

Kind of soul crushing. Oh, yeah. Where I'm like, I don't really give a shit about. I just wanted to do my set. Right. Right. And it's a huge epidemic in comedy now with like the clip chasing. Yeah. What was that? I've seen it. Yeah. And sometimes you're following someone doing that at the cellar or something. You're like, dude, you're fucking just chase. I'm trying. Yeah. I've seen it. It's like you got 15 minutes. Exactly. I'll do it on the road. And I.

I used to do it at the end of my set. I try to sneak it in for maybe like two minutes. And I try to not do it too much anymore because I don't want to influence the way I do comedy. I feel like if you're at the cellar doing that,

you're at a level where you should be doing a, every time you're on stage. Agreed. Yeah. And it should be a comedy club. Like what are your ideas? What are your thoughts? I don't like the idea of like, where are you guys from? Nothing there. Okay. What about you? Nothing there. Like you're entertaining. You're not asking questions. I get a little crowd work. I get,

that no I was sneaking in an hour but I did that before this shit because I did it because if you don't do it the rhythm becomes predictable so you do it you do it for the sake of the material as well still for the material yeah

Yeah. Well, do you have more? I got better looking or not, but I can tell you one thing I can't do anymore. Suck my own dick. Yeah, you heard me right. I know, you know, people can do this. I know you've seen it on the Internet. Interesting. Well, I used to be one of those people. Then somewhere about two or three years ago, I just couldn't do it anymore. Don't know if my dick shrank or my spine just lost flexibility. But let me tell you something. If you are a person who can still suck your own dick,

Cherish it. Because you will never have a worse moment than when you're naked, ass in the air, folded up on top of yourself, just staring at your own dick dangling a quarter inch from your lips.

It's not at all witty. It's funny because it's coming out of his mouth. I don't know. Staring at your own dick dangling a quarter inch from your lips is kind of funny. That's funny. A guy folded over on himself alone in a room is funny. It's funny because it's Tom Brady. It's not funny. If you saw a comic doing that in a club, you wouldn't be like, wow, that's clever. No, it's funny because he's got a squeaky clean mouth.

you know, good image. But that doesn't mean, but not everything that's clever is funny. You know what I mean? Right. Sometimes it's just stupid and it makes me laugh. Yeah. Because it's a guy trying to suck his own dick. Yeah, I think if I saw a comic do that in a club, I'd be like, eh. No, I agree. But the fact that it's coming out of his mouth is funny. Yeah. It's scary that that's, at least AI is making something at least that funny. Yes. At least pack level is fucking. That's impressive.

That's impressive and scary. I can't wait to see Peyton Manning's material about eating ass. I eat ass. We're like, Jesus Christ, they're coming for us. Beautiful. Woo!

Speaking of, I have another news story for you. A Tennessee hotel night manager charged after a guest woke up to him sucking on his toes. Nice. That's just part of the hotel service. Yeah. I think that's what we call a wake-up call in certain hotels. Better than the Doubletree. I'm sick of that cookie. Suck my toes.

Yeah, you call for a wake-up call at a Red Roof Inn. That's where you get it. Somebody's going to suck your toes. You know, he disappeared to, I think, Lebanon? Because I read this. Really? And this happened in Tennessee. That's like the saddest reason to go on The Lamb ever. Ha ha.

You're just hiding because you suck toes in another country? Right, right. The police arrested Neil in Lebanon in his home Friday, according to detectives. So if the hotel chain gets more expensive, does he suck better things? You know, like in Alicante, he's doing the toes. If I get four seasons, I'm going to get my balls sucked. You walk into the Ritz, I expect the best. Right. It's 700 a night.

Wow, that is wild. Sucking toe. So his need to suck a toe was so strong that he was doing it on random clients. And he went in with a key card. That's why you got to put that bolt up. Yeah, put the bolt up. But that's also like, what a weird fetish. First of all, I don't even understand really like a foot fetish on women. It's just not my thing. Same. But on men, men's feet are disgusting. Oh, yeah, it's a hoof.

Yeah. My nails are yellow. They're crooked. It's not good. It's gross. I look like I catch salmon with my fucking toenails. Crazy bunions. Disgusting. Oh, bunion corn. What is, Kevin Iso has a great joke about, he saw a woman with like, the second toe was longer than the big toe. And he said, it looked like his, her foot was offering him a cigarette. Ha!

Wow, that's hilarious. That's great. Suck on that, Tom Brady. Yeah. So funny. This guy should work an athlete's foot. All right. Damn, toe suck. Toe suck. You're a lady. Do you appreciate a toe suck? No, I don't want anyone near my feet. Yeah. For their sake, really. Right. You know what I mean? How about fresh out of the shower? Still a no-go? I still don't think so. No, I don't... I'm not... You know what I mean? It's like if I was...

It feels like for me to be into that, I would have to have the feet that I had when I was like five. And I just don't want to invite that kind of person. You don't want that guy. Yeah, I don't want that guy either.

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A ton. I think they got Back to School in there. That's probably what I would go with. What's your go-to? I would go old movies. Give me a nice taxi driver or maybe a cuckoo's nest. They got everything over there. Elvira. Some titties on the wall. Another one with that.

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Flash drunk. Thank you. Yeah, no. I'm not trying to shame anybody here. It's a fetish that never spoke to me. But I know it's a huge fetish. Oh, feet are huge. Yeah. Keeping OnlyFans alive. I think they studied... There's something in... I heard something. I never read it, but I heard something about how guys who are into feet, it's like a certain part of their brain. They did MRIs on these dudes. Oh, I believe it. Because they are like...

into it in a way that they're more open about it than other fetishes. Totally. Totally. How do you handle the summer?

Yeah. Just feed everywhere? I was thinking the same thing. How do you handle it? It's a gift if you have a foot fetish. It could be a curse. You don't want to be out getting boners in public. But if I saw a bunch of tits out, I wouldn't be like, this is a curse. This is great. Yeah, but you would have to go home sometimes. That's true. That's true. Luckily, you live in the village. You could just run back inside. Yes, yes. Exactly. And you go back out, you're like, I fucking hate myself. What the hell? Yeah.

The village you could run between cars, really. Yeah, true. The right day. I'll just run between two homeless guys also jerking off. Yeah. I'll be right in. Right. Well, when this guy gets drunk, he's going to get killed and he'll be six feet under. All right. All right.

All right, we got a New Zealand man legally changed his name to the longest possible name, which is Captain Fantastic, faster than Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, Hulk, and The Flash combined. The name change was done to protest a strict name laws in New Zealand. This guy can never bitch about pronouns. Oh, I'm going to call you she, her. Fuck you. My name is Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Wolverine. Also, this guy's clearly...

A virgin, I'd say. Or a premature ejaculator. Or that. Faster than Superman? Yeah. How about when a guy outdoes him? Like when a guy's a more shocking name. If a guy's like, oh, you're faster than a speeding bullet, I'm Glory Hole Jackson. Oh.

I'm really confused about these strict name laws, though. What even... I don't get why... I get it to some degree, though. I mean, you can even fit that on a license. What are you doing? Yeah, true. I get shit... Sometimes I'll fly an airline, and for whatever reason, every time I fly United, it's...

My name is Sam E. Murrell, but it always comes out on the ticket, same Murrell. It's always an issue when I go through security. I can't change it. But it feels like the law was created for this specific guy, not this guy protesting a law. Do you know what I mean? Right, a guy like this. Yeah. I'm like, how many guys are doing this in New Zealand where this is like a problem? Right. They put it in place to, let's see.

For offensive names and names over 99 characters. Oh, he's under 99. Yeah. For offensive names. Yeah. Okay. How about David Tell's bit about what he would name his kid? Pizza Pussy Santa? Because everyone likes one of those things. Yeah.

Pizza Pussy Santa. Such a classic. Great combination of things. He's so fucking funny. Santa is really the... Yeah, yeah. That's a clincher right there. Right, right. You thought he was going to go three Ps, but no, he pulled out an S. Pizza Pussy Santa. These names did pass the ban, which was...

Midnight Chardonnay and Twins Named Benson and Hedges. Oh, fun. Okay, Midnight Chardonnay is a dope name. That's a pretty good name. That's a fucking awesome name. Sounds like an R&B singer. I love it. Or a black detective novel. Yeah, that's the world's next star. Yeah. Her mother's name was Afternoon Chardonnay. She had a fucking problem with it. Yeah, her dad was a morning wood. Okay. Woo!

easily one of our dumbest episodes yeah right for sure I like it oh I'm happy well there's definitely a writer's rate going on in zero absolutely yeah like fuck it well the secret's out guys this podcast had writers and uh

So who's Erdogan? He's the president of Turkey. Oh, okay. I thought he was my 11-year-old nephew. I love that at the end of the day, he's pulling the old American thing, being like, well, that guy's gay. Yeah, exactly. Turkish opposition is gay? Yeah. That's great. Yeah.

That is funny. So ahead of the crucial election this month, the incumbent president argued that only his party can protect family values and that his opposition is gay. I do this to women. If they won't sleep with me, I'm like, you hate Jews. It's a good tactic. I tried the same tactic running for president of high school. Come on, Jeff's gay. Yeah.

It is. My mom will do this to me too where she knows I don't like the word hack. So if I'm hungover or something, she'll be like, oh, that's so hack. Oh my God. Like I said, hack. That's a cool mom. I know. Damn. Oh my God, that's so mean. It's a good way to, oh, you're so hack. Yeah, that's great. I made breakfast. I don't like scrambled eggs. Come on, you hack. That's great.

That works for everything. It really does. You're a hack. Yeah. If any of my sisters or family started using that word, I think I'd lose my mind. Yeah. I'd lose my fucking mind on them. Yeah, because it hurts. It stings. Yeah, they're using it against me and they don't even know what it fucking means. You know? That's brutal. You called CPS. Oh, my mom keeps calling me a hack. I'm like, what?

That's not really a... That's something my sisters would definitely do to me. I call AI for a comeback. How do I get my mom back for this shit? You know, you get her back, call her a MILF. That'll scare the shit out of her. Coming from a son? She's Googling it. Oh, no! MILF Island. Trump is like one step away from using this tactic, I think. What's this? Just calling everyone gay. Oh, yeah. He hasn't

No, he hasn't. He said the F word, I think. He went all in. He's definitely called somebody the R word. Oh, yeah. Meatball Ron is a great nickname. It's so much funnier than calling someone chubby. Yeah, Meatball's great. Meatball is funny. Yeah.

Crooked Hillary. Your fad is lame, but shut up, Meatball Ron. That's funny. Yeah, that's great. Where's he testing these out? Is he in a room with guys? I don't think he's on stage. I think he's a genius. He's got a gift. Stand up. He's like, I'm going to try my new drill. He has a gift, and it's just bullying. You know what I mean? I think he tried Ron's sanctimonious on stage, and it got nothing. And then he called him Meatball Ron. It got a laugh. He does it the way we do it. Yeah. He works on sanctimonious memes, which is a tough thing.

You have to understand sanctimonious. Meatball, everyone gets. And it's a mouthful. Sanctimonious. It's too much. It's more clever, but it's not what you need. Yeah. It's not what I need. Yeah. I have one more here. A woman in Japan married a character from the video game Love Plus. The wedding ceremony was held in a Tokyo hall and the bride wore a white wedding dress while her groom was displayed on screen.

The woman stated that she fell in love with the character's personality and couldn't imagine being with a real person. Now, this is either an old story or this has happened before because I've seen this. Really? Yeah. I've seen a video of a woman getting... I saw a video of the wedding and she was...

She was dead serious. She fell in love with like the Sims. It was like the Sims or something. Yeah, what is this game? I've never heard of it. It's like the Sims. Oh, wow. Love Plus. Sounds like my ex. She's a big lady. It sounds like a shopping center, like a shopping brand for plus-sized women. It's also like a thing where it's like, that's great if you want to marry a fake thing, but like, do I have to get you a gift? Haha!

Do we have to celebrate? Do we have to cancel plans to be at your wedding? Yeah. I feel like there was nobody at the wedding when I saw the... Oh, really? That makes sense. There was nobody there. They were all just like, oh, she's lost it. Oh, yeah. This is from 2009. Oh. Yeah. Good call. What do you do with these old stories?

2009. 2009, right. This is the kind of shit that... His next story is Lincoln freed the slaves. This is crazy, right? This is wild. OJ, innocent. But this is all stuff that you wouldn't... I guess you wouldn't really know or hear about unless you were just bored in a writer's room anyway. You know what I mean? This is all shit that I've learned...

on a Thursday during rewrites. Right. And I'm just Googling references from sketches that I don't understand. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I like the nerdy guys. Mom's like, when are you going to meet somebody? He's like, I just can't find Pokemon. I'm looking everywhere. I can't find it. All right, Sal, please get to the Lorena Bobbitt story. Yeah. I know, right? Tom Brady's got an AI bit about it.

All right, we did the news. The news. We did it. Yeah. There's plenty out there. So are you hitting the road before Mexico? I'm not. I'm going, so Mexico, Italy, then I do the road. Then I'm starting my tour June, July, and August. What if they go, hey, the strike's off, and you're knee deep in pasta? Well, we're on, no, no, no, we're, oh, okay.

No, no, we wouldn't be because we had three weeks left. So there's a chance, let's say the strike ends, which it won't, and Lorne is like, we're starting this week. I'd have to come back from Mexico. But I don't think that's going to happen. Yeah, you're praying to keep that strike going. I really don't think that's going to happen. What makes you think the strike is going to be prolonged like that? Because the last one was like 100 days and the list of demands was so much shorter and the stakes were so much lower.

Oh, really? Yeah. And they got everything they wanted? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying, I don't think we'll get everything we want on this one, but I don't think they'll settle for, I mean, because the stakes are so high for writers that I don't think they'll settle. It doesn't sound like, I don't know anything about it, you know, but it doesn't sound like Netflix is budging. No. Ugh. No, they're not. No one's budging. But SNL gets residuals, but you guys are just...

Solidarity. We're just supporting, yeah. Got it, got it. Is it because you're not on streaming? I guess you're on Peacock, but you're also on NBC. Right, yeah. Okay. But yeah, it's like you don't know, I mean...

Every writing job is temporary. True, true. So you don't want to be out of this morning. Life's a timeshare too, man. Yeah. Society. But have we gotten some scabs yet? Has anyone crossed the line? I don't think so. Out of them. Let's out of them. I did go into the building to get a couple things out of my office, which I think you're not supposed to do. Oh, really? I think you're fine. What did you get? Like my plants. Hmm.

I was just like sneaking in. You're going to be a good mom. You got the plants. It's just weed. I mean, do you feel okay being pregnant? Yeah, yeah, I feel fine. I mean, the first trimester...

I'm like working. It's not the most feminist thing I've ever said, but working during the first trimester should be fucking illegal. I was like, this is fucking brutal. This is so hard. And some women don't, it doesn't like fuck with them the way that it did for me. But I was, I was like, I just felt like I was going to throw up the whole time and I never did. And I was like waiting for like the moment when I could finally throw up all day. Whoa. That's basically what it felt like. Damn. And then, and then you're so fucking tired. Yeah.

that you feel like you've taken a sleeping pill and you're just trying to like get through your day having accidentally taken a sleeping pill damn and you're not supposed to have coffee and you're not supposed to smoke and so like i had to stop smoking i had to stop drinking coffee which eventually i just went fuck it i'm gonna drink coffee like i have to yeah um and then uh and now i'm like feeling a hundred times better like it's just like one day you wake up and

your energy's back and you're like oh okay cool yeah but then i guess it gets hard again at the third trimester so wow so you're thinking about just one yes okay so you can't do coffee when you're pregnant well you're not supposed to but i have been i'm like if it's 11 o'clock at night and i have two shows and i need a red bull i'm gonna have a red bull like

Basically all I feel is her kicking me more. She just kind of goes a little nuts. - You just hear her scream? - Yeah, she's like, "Yeah!" She's just fucking fighting a raccoon in my stomach.

Like, yeah, but it's like, it is a weird feeling because now I'm kind of at the, I'm at the exciting part. She's like starting to move and start, I can feel her in there. And she's like, it's so weird when you feel them start to like swim around. It does not feel good.

Yeah. It feels like you have like eels swimming around in your stomach. Whoa. It's a fucking alien feeling. It's weird. I mean, if I was pregnant, because if I have to take a huge shit, I get nervous. So I can't imagine the vagina fear you're having. Dude. I'm not.

I'd be terrified. Nine months of just anxiety about the stretching. Pregnant on a podcast with two dudes. I had Taco Bell one time, and it was crazy. It kind of is like that, though, from what I've heard. From what I've heard, it is the scariest moment. Of course. Am I going to rip everything open? Yes, yes. My mom ripped, I don't know if she wants me to say it, but she ripped the butthole to vagina taint. Jesus Christ. The taint ripped.

Yeah, I signed it later. I was like, that was my work. That is so hack. I have been reading like horror stories on Reddit. Oh, don't do that. I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like, I know you're supposed to like focus on like meditating or whatever and like practicing your breathing. But instead of doing that, I'm just like looking on Reddit at like trauma birth stories. Oh my God. And women being like, I guess because I'm like,

Then I'm prepared for the worst. Sure. In my mind, I'm like, well, it's better than what happened to that one lady. Right, right. Do you know what I mean? I got a great movie for you, Rosemary's Baby. I love that movie. I love horror movies. That's a good movie. In the Dakota. Yeah.

All right. Wow. And you got a name? I do have a name, I think. I'm just, we're not like telling anybody yet. Okay, don't tell me. Because it feels like it'll ruin it. Yeah. Do you know? Well, you've already done this. Don't tell anyone ever. Really? Don't tell anyone ever. Even when the baby's born, just don't tell anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is baby. Everyone has stupid opinions, and then they'll turn you off that name a little bit, and that's fucked up. So just keep it to yourself. He wanted to name his baby Captain Fantastic, and he couldn't. Fantastic.

I was taken. Right, yeah. People laughed at him and he got cold feet. I do. I'm kind of like, it is kind of scary because the name that we picked is like a little unique where I'm just kind of like, I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to, it's a nickname that my aunt had. And so I'm not trying to like,

Steal it? That you're trying too hard? Ah, you don't have like a Gwyneth Paltrow Apple lighthouse thing. Yeah, yeah. I don't want it to sound like that. Well, we'll pull up chat GBT. Exactly. But I'm psyched. I'm really excited. Are you guys thinking about it?

having kids or no? I think in about a year I'll do it. Yeah? Yeah, the lady's pretty pumped and it's all she talks about and whenever we see a kid she has to go nuts and play with it and all that. So, yeah. And I'd like a... You don't want to do it? Well, I'm a little far from that right now. Sure, sure. Maybe at some point. It's really just one mistake away. That's true. You drink. It could happen. Ladies, if you're watching, I drink.

I don't know if you've heard that. If you want to be this guy's mistake, sign up. Cuts me six months from now. Fuck! Just don't have it on the road in Texas. It was a crazy thing. When I told Andy the news, I got to tell you guys this. So...

I don't think he would mind me telling you, but he, so he had this idea and he, I call him up and I was like, you got to come home. I got to tell you something. And so, and I know that's a fucked up way to tell somebody news, but like,

If he thinks I'm mad at him, he's not going to ask me follow-up questions. Do you know what I mean? So I was like, it'll take longer for him to come home, but he's not going to ask me any questions that'll make me spill the beans via text. Good point. So he comes home. I tell him the news and he goes, all right, well, I got to tell you something then. Uh-oh. And I was like,

fuck I was like what is it and he goes um I thought like maybe somebody else was pregnant you know what I mean I was like what did you do he goes uh I've been thinking about going to the Ukraine he's like I bought a ticket to the Ukraine to fight that's what I said yeah he goes no I was gonna film a video of

And I wasn't going to tell you I was going. And then I was going to get there and I was going to FaceTime you and film it. And I just thought it'd be funny to see how mad you got. This is how bad we need content. This is out of control. Exactly. I literally was like...

I kind of wish you had cheated. I kind of wish you had just fucked somebody else. I'm like, this is so much worse. Now I'm just carrying around your dumb fucking DNA. Wow. How about you write a new bit, Andy? What are we doing here? Exactly, I said that. I was like, just write a new joke.

God damn it. Jesus Christ. You should give birth in the Ukraine. Just give him a middle finger. Yeah, I know. But I was like, as far as Ukraine content goes, that is pretty funny. It's pretty funny, yeah, but it's a flight. It's a whole thing just for one 12-second video. Yeah, yeah. He loves to do that. He's the king of, like, more effort, less payoff. Ha!

Andy loves that shit. They are funny jokes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. That's not, it's a weird response to I'm pregnant. I know. I was like, how did I tell you I'm pregnant and you just like stole the show? What the fuck? He Putin'd you. I know. What the hell? This is crazy. Damn. Well, he's not going to go, right? No, of course not. Are you kidding me? We got a kid to raise here. Yeah. I was like, well, you're not going. That's not happening. Yeah.

Come on. So fuck that. That'd be the worst way to die. I know. You go to Ukraine as a joke and then you're like,

Now I'm a single mom? Are you fucking kidding me? No, I know. I was like, let's say you actually died, and then I got to find out that you were, A, in the Ukraine, B, trying to go viral. I know, right? I'm like, what the fuck do I tell our kid? Jesus. Your dad was really stupid. Yeah, he died. You just tell the kid, you died in Ukraine, and the kid's like, my daddy fought in the war. I know. No, he was an idiot, actually. He was actually just a moron. He was an influencer. Yeah.

Jesus. I know. Your dad fought. He died in the Ukraine war. Was he Ukrainian? No. No. No. No, he was on TikTok. He was in content wars. Daffy Duck with the TNT blows himself up just for the one joke. Right. Yeah. That's it. I was like, God damn it. Well, I don't know.

I don't know. Am I allowed to say what you got in vitro? Oh, no, actually. Oh, really? That's the crazy part is like we did IVF. We got like six embryos.

They're chilling in the probably close to here. Like what? Yeah. And and we got pregnant by accident. Get out of here. Yeah. I had COVID that month. I thought like there's no chance. I was like, there's no chance this is going to last. I mean, this is a depressing thing to say, but I was like, well, this will just be a bad three weeks at work. Yeah. Yeah. And then we'll take care of it. Right. But I but then like 12 weeks went by and I was like, oh, I'm still sick.

I'm still pregnant, and I know what I'm having, and it just got realer. And I was like, it took me a long time to tell people because I just thought, that's crazy. Yeah. Well, can we get the IVF money back? Yeah, no shit. I'm like, how do we- That's pretty expensive, right? Do I sell those embryos? What do I do? I think you sell them, yeah. Sell them to this guy because he shoots blanks. Yeah.

Yeah. You just have a little blonde kid. Yeah, just a little blonde, blue-eyed Hitler youth, basically. This is my son, Apple. Yeah, we didn't have any boys, though. Well, we had one, but they were like, you don't want that one. That would be a stand-up comedian. You don't want that one. This one's like Andy. He's going to die in Ukraine. Things going to the Ukraine is funny.

He's just farting and everybody was just farting. It's not comedy. He's like, hack. It's hack. Fucking so hack. I think that's kind of cute, though, that your mom does that. I think that's great. It's pretty funny, yeah. It's pretty cute. She's not doing it to be funny. She thinks it's like getting to me. I know, but that's why it's cute. I order like a third beer at dinner and she's like, that is hack. You're like, you got to stop with this.

That was what my grandfather was too. He was like, it was like a different generation. He just didn't, they didn't drink like we do. So, or at least my family did. I thought they drank more. Well, maybe like the Don Draper type people. Yeah. Not everybody. I mean, uh, I mean, they also thought a glass of milk was healthy probably. True. And smoking. Yeah. But, uh,

The milk was like our generation. They forced milk on us. Does a body good. Yeah. That was big. A lot of milk propaganda. I remember I'd be at dinner with my grandfather. I'd order like a second beer and he'd be like, he had two beers. And I'd be like, all right. Yeah. I'd be like freaking out. Two beers? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. What are they, like Catholic or something? My parents do the guilt, the come in late guilt. So what time did you get in? And I'm like, I don't know, maybe 1.30. They're like, hmm, sounded more like 3.30. And they're eating breakfast. I'm like, all right, well, don't ask. Yeah, that's fucked up. I'm an adult. I know. That's like the one thing that getting sober, that is the one perk where I'm like,

My mom never really worries about my life choices having gotten sober. You had a sober baby. Yeah. That's crazy. What do you mean? Both of you were sober. Yeah. Oh, I see. We're making a certified alcoholic for sure. Oh, yeah. But we were sober when we made her. That's big. At least you didn't because my lady is a booze bag. So she's worried about the pregnancy sober thing. But you had a smooth transition.

Yeah, that part was, but the vaping was, I mean, I truly, the second I give birth, I'm going to rip an elf bar so hard. No one's going to be able to tell what gender the kid is. The whole fucking hospital room is going to be full of a vape cloud. Do you smoke, is it weed or just like nicotine? No, just nicotine. What kind of, what's your flavors?

It's anything that they would sell to a 13-year-old. Like strawberry daiquiri or banana sundae. I'll go for it. You should hit it in the room while your legs are still in stirrups and maybe it'll come right out. Yeah, she's like, oh, it stinks in here. Ah.

Yeah, I should. I can't wait. Those are great when you're drunk. I do crave... I think they're gross sober, but if I have a few drinks and someone has a vape pen, I'm like, fucking let me try. It's weird. Every pregnant woman I've talked to is like, yeah, smoking became disgusting to me. Coffee became disgusting. I'm like...

I haven't wanted to drink in like 13 years. I want to drink again. It's a weird, something is wrong with me. Like my pregnancy cravings are all for shit that I don't, that I shouldn't have. No pressure, but you would be our first pregnant alcoholic on the show to drink. That would be big. Big ratings, baby. Yeah. I know. Just fucking, damn. Sorry to let you guys down. I wish I could. What about pregnant porn?

How do you feel about that? Pregnant porn. Well, it's so popular that you could clean up on OnlyFans just by showing the belly. Yeah, I could do that. It's an idea. You could. I mean, listen, the strike goes on long enough. I got a lot to work with here. Oh, yeah. Does the horn go up, the horny? Because I've heard that. Yeah. I mean, it is Andy, after all. It does for some. It either goes up or it goes down, and for me, it's definitely gone down. Oh, interesting. For me, I don't...

like we're we're still having sex but it's a process for me where it's like i feel like i'm doing physical therapy i'm like i'm trying and i'm it which is not what any man wants to hear but there's literally like the first time we did it i just said i was like you're all over the place get out that's what the baby said too which was like

I'm not, it's not his fault, but there was too many people inside me. It's just like, everybody get out. It felt so weird. Oh, that's wild. It just felt too weird to me. I was like, oh, I can't do this. I just picked up the baby going, no one, don't come in. The door's locked. I know. The tip of his dick just hit the baby in the ass. Jesus Christ.

I had a woman say to me recently, she was tired and she's like, I'm really tired, but if you have sex with me while I'm sleeping, I won't call it rape. And I'm just like, yeah, that's what you want to hear. That's insane. That's an insane thing to say. Gee, I'm rock hard now. Thanks. That's insane.

That is a crazy thing to say to somebody. Yeah, I know. What a psychopath. She should have just sucked her toes in her sleep. What? She should have sucked her toes in her sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd call that rape. Then flee to Lebanon. You'll never catch me. I don't think it'll be that weird for me when my lady's pregnant because we already fuck like she's pregnant. We got the rollover. We're very lazy sex. TV's on behind her. Yeah. On the side, you know. Perfect. So yeah, it won't be. And you got it set. You're all set. The credits roll written by AI. Yeah. Yeah.

Anal insertion. That's great. You got any dates you want to plug coming up? Yeah. Where's my phone? The emergency room in a couple months. Yeah, seriously. I mean, I'm doing Springfield. That's a good room. Oh, thank you. My website is helpful. If you just scroll down, that'll be. Yeah, so Blue Room, what is that? June 9th, 8th through 10th.

I'm going to be on Fully Loaded. Oh, nice. Yeah, Zany's in Tennessee. That's a great room. Classic. And then Zany's again in Chicago. Zany's in Chicago. Nice. What is that? Huntsville, Alabama. Yeah, that's Fully Loaded. July 6th. Doing a couple Fully Loaded shows. Those are fun. Huntsville, baby. Those are going to be really fun. Milwaukee Improv. Yeah.

In Bakersfield. Tempe Improv. Nice. Ring City Casino, which don't even, I mean, that'll be. That's a paycheck. That's a paycheck for sure. Tampa Improv. Yeah, all my shows are on my website, rosebudbaker.com. Great comedy crowds, Tampa. Oh, yeah.

Does it say Tampa or does that say Tempe? Oh, it's Tempe. Tempe, yeah. I always say it wrong and they get so mad at me. Tempe, Tampa? Yeah. You got a dyslexic Google bitch here, sorry. That's all good. What about a pregnancy special? Those have been done. Those have been done and I kind of feel like I don't,

I'm not where you know what I mean it depends on where you're at in your hour and like I wasn't talking about it for so long that I couldn't really try anything out until I was like 16 weeks when I started talking about it on stage so I feel like it's too soon for that I also feel like

there's so many specials and so much stuff coming out that i'm like i really would like to wait until there's no rush until it's good i agree good hey that's that's rare now it's funny that that's like you're in the minority of comedians the first one i'm really gonna wait for a while yeah there you go it's been you know i always felt like a sense of desperation you know to be selling tickets but now it's like okay i can like take a deep breath but uh

Yeah, no, there's too many specials. There's got to be like 1,200 a year. I know. And you ever post on Instagram, you're like, I posted a clip today. Look at me. And then you start scrolling down and it's like clip, clip, clip, clip, clip. You're like, damn, this whole feed is clips. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot. So I just kind of am like, I'm...

I'm trying to focus on my stand-up in the way that I did earlier on, where it was like each joke mattered to me. Do you know what I mean? I'm trying to really kind of focus up on this tour. Good for you. Because a lot of people just want the glory. Like, oh, I have a special. Can you retweet me? Can you high-five me? And they don't actually care about the material, it doesn't seem like. Right, yeah. Good for you. I mean, there's plenty of people who still do. Sure. But I think that there's just a lot more.

there's a lot of pressure on comics to put shit out and I kind of am like let me just so much pressure let me just take some of that off myself good yeah what do you got Sam oh I know I got Portland Maine uh New Hampshire where is that in New Hampshire I can't even see Hampton Beach yeah I got Connecticut that's a casino I forgot the casino we got uh Richmond Virginia uh

Greensboro on the 5th. Yeah, Greensboro. Asheville, Charlotte, North Carolina. Yeah. Knoxville on the 8th. Yeah, we got Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis. Memphis is moving a little slow. That's a tough town. Tough market. Tough comedy market. Nashville, I'm pumped for that. It's going to be great. The Ryman guys. Oh, wow. What else? Denver Paramount Theater on June 22nd. That's a great one. That's two shows. Yeah. On the 23rd in Santa Fe, 24th in San Antonio. Woo!

And then 25th in Houston.

Yeah, and then we got a few more added. Yeah, see you on the road. It's going to be great. Hell yeah. Houston's going to be cool. House of Blues. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've never been. That's fun. Fun town. Houston's a fun town for sure. It is. All right, I'm all over the place. This is like a LensCrafters ad. I know. What's this? So I'm all over Australia. Check out the website. Go to Australia. I'm not going to read every date. And then coming back and announcing a theater tour special comes out June 1st.

Actually, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say the date. Scratch that. Special comes out in the summer. Later in the summer, we'll see on Netflix. Make sure to drink. Get some Bodega Cat, folks. It's online. It's available at bodegacatspirits.com.

It's also available at the stores in Texas, California, Kentucky, Florida, and Pepto. How about a sponsor, Pepto? We got weak stomachs, and we keep drinking throughout the podcast, so hook us up. Heroes. She's puking daily, so she's like Kate Moss over here. Except fat. Yeah.

We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Thank you, Rosebud. Thank you, as always. Thank you guys for having me. Check out Whiskey Fist on YouTube. When we hope the writer's strike resolves itself. But not too soon. Yeah, but not too soon. Not before I'm back from Mexico and Italy. Thank you, Salamanca and Peters, as always. And keep listening. Yeah, praise Allah. Thanks, guys. Thank you.