Ep 10: Tito's Soda & Casamigos Soda
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Yo.

We're here, baby. Good to see you. Good to see you, man. It's been a minute. I gotta... I gotta... What's the word? Confess. Last week, I was so fucking hungover, I felt like I slacked off. I didn't bring the heat, so tonight I snorted some Adderall. I did some emergency. I'm ready. Oh, dude. I mean, I'm so glad you said that, because I might be slacking this episode, man. I...

And first off, I didn't notice you slacking. You were always hilarious on this, but I was fucking... I'm dying right now. I did like a pinch of vodka in this giant soda just because I don't want to be a douche. Yeah. Goddamn, dude. Yeah, yeah. I can see it. You got the pale going. By the way, I love booze in a kid's cup. That's the ultimate sadness.

You might as well go sippy at that point. I do realize I got to step it up with like wine glasses and martini glasses, but like, fuck man, there's something about, there's something about a dumb kid's glass and getting fucked up combining like childhood nostalgia with a drug. It is kind of, yes.

It's so true. I mean, Gaffigan had that great joke. He's like something about the container. Like you got a guy drinking a wine glass with red wine. You're like, hey, but if you're like, hey, refill my Yahtzee shaker. You're like, oh, this guy's messed up. They don't make a crack pipe with Krusty the Clown on it. I don't think. Good point.

Yeah, it's true. It's weird how that we're like, it's weird how the carton or the container makes it look like if you drink whiskey and poured no rocks glass, that's fine. But if you drink it out of the bottle, you look like a psycho. And the same with ice cream out of the carton. You're golden. I mean, you're you're a weirdo, but out of the bowl, you're great. I do ice cream out of the carton all the time. I mean, I do it, too. But I'm just saying, if you put ice cream in a bowl, you look like a better citizen.

Yeah, I'll say this, though, too, with like booze, you're drinking you're drinking shitty ass bourbon if you're if you're down to just like backwash that shit back in there.

But, yeah, it is like a look thing. Like, in the pint of ice cream, you're like, all right. Ice cream is just like an intimate snack now. Like, it's like you're alone at home. Whereas, like, booze, you're like, oh, I can't wait to pour it into a glass. I don't know why, but it was ten times sadder. That's what it is. You couldn't take the time to put the ice cream in the bowl. You had to have it right then. That's how much of an addict you are. Or the same with the alcohol. Yeah, that's interesting. I never...

I was never an addict. I guess when you're a kid, I mean, you'll do 40s and shit. Oh, yeah. But that's beer. I think beer, you know, you tend to drink it out of a bottle. Also, what's sad is the liquor in plastic, the handle of liquor that's plastic, like the jug. That's a bummer.

Yeah, it is a bummer. Like a jug of anything is kind of like, because jug doesn't sound classy. Like, Matt, would you care for a jug? Right. It sounds like moonshine. It's got the three X's on it. You don't even know what it is. You're just like, all right, it'll fuck me up. I want to say good point, just so our listeners have to take a shot now, because I know that's one of our words. Good point. Take a drink.

So what were you sipping on there that led to this cocktail flu? I did a lot of bourbon, just a lot of bourbon. And then a few nights ago, I went hard too. After a show...

I had, this is, I feel like a real asshole telling this story, but I'll tell it anyway. A friend of mine comes to shows all the time and he always brings a hot date and he always blows it. Like we, it's become like a running gag of how many hot dates he'll bring. And after the show, like it's me and Phil Hanley and a high school friend of mine. And we're just like, we're bombed. We're all wrecked. We're drinking. And, uh,

She's asking us to date if he's a good guy. And I have just enough booze to be like, he's such a good guy. I mean, you know, all his charity work. Have you heard about his charity jerking off the homeless?

he's like he's looking at me like cut it out cut it out i'm like the homeless are freezing right now and he jerks them to completion because it's it's a real problem out there and phil starts jumping in we're just going we're just pounding on him and he's so drunk that he's like dude you promised uh that's see there's a real art to see i don't know how he does it because he can get a date but he can't close i

I was the other way around. If I got a date, I could close, but it was hard for me to get a date. Well, I think also like once she sniffs that drunken insecurity, it ain't good because he is a, he's a good dude. He's a cool dude. But yeah, every once in a while, if you're a bad drunk, you ain't closing. No, God, no. And you ain't getting it up either.

But he should just fake the laugh. He faked the laugh. That's what I was saying. You look like a pro. He grabbed Phil at one point and goes, you're making a big mistake. And the girl's laughing. She's laughing. So I'm like, come on, dude. But Phil was like, is he threatening me? I'm like, hey, he's going to forget tomorrow, which I think he did. But I was like, he did threaten you. Yeah. I hope Phil went home with her. I mean, Phil's a smooth cat. He's in a thing. He's in a thing. Oh.

Alright, Phil He's the most vague, secretive guy on the planet He might have my favorite relationship joke ever When you meet the right person you know right away How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half? Oh, that's beautiful That's a good joke That's got layers, it's funny, it's well written, and it's poignant And it's one line Yeah

That's comedy. That's why comedy is better than poetry. What? Oh, and so my boy Dennis from childhood is at the show and we're hanging. He's his dad passed away a few years ago. His dad was like the coolest. He was like the dad who would go drinking with us. Right. He passed away. He was so funny. He was like a vulgar drunk. We'd be at like, we'd be at bars and he'd walk up to women and be like, lady, what I would give to take you in the bathroom right now. And they'd be like, they'd slap him. It was like a,

I love that guy. He did that once. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry about him. This woman goes, finally, a gentleman. And she kissed me right in front of him. And he gave me a wink. I'm like, oh, he's doing this shit on purpose. He's digging a hole so that we get to swoop in and be the hero.

That's a great dad. I mean, what a guy taking the hit for the kids. Great friend. I don't know. Great dad. Yeah. Great wingman. Great wingman. I don't know if he's paying the bills. No, he was. He was awesome. He was a really funny guy. And and this guy, Dennis, who I see every once in a while as a character. And he's like literally the last time I saw him, he was like, I need your urine and you can't ask why. And I was like, it's a drug test. And he goes, all right, yeah, it's a drug test. Yeah.

what else would it be i literally met him with my urine at a chipotle i was like here geez what did you put it in i i think actually you know what i he gave me a chipotle cup and oh i guess he asked for a water cup i don't know we have a water cup which proves my point that no one has ever put water in a water cup at chipotle even still um yeah so that was we got into a lot of stuff i've just been

Drinking too much We're getting to that point of the pandemic Where it's like Yeah, it's winter in New York City And by the way, I got Rudy's 44th and 9th Just closed down behind That's my backdrop if you're watching us

Rudy's is done? It's done. It was a legendary New York bar, if you guys didn't know it. There was like two affordable bars in Times Square that aren't tourist traps. Rudy's and Jimmy's. And Jimmy's just died on 44th. But Rudy's, man. Remember the free hot dog with every round? Of course. I got mugged outside of Rudy's in like 08. Yeah. It was my fault. Well, I got drunk with Bjorn. Remember Bjorn? Yeah.

The manager? He was you and Joe List's manager. Yeah, but he was just a booze bag, and we just got—he never did a lick of work. We just got drunk and paid for everything. But I was so broke—

And, you know, you got the free hot dogs So I was just pounding beer, eating, pounding beer And I leave the bar I live in Crown Heights, by the way So getting home was like an excursion So I said, alright, I got a big ride ahead of me So let me take a nap Were you off the 4-5 or the 2-3? I was off the A on No Strand Ooh, that's fucking out there Yeah, yeah So

So I was like, all right, I'm going to take a little nap in an alcove. There was like four steps down into an apartment. And I was like, yeah, this looks kind of warm. It's well lit. Just going to rest my eyes. And I get down there. I conk out immediately. I wake up and like a bunch of guys are going through my pockets, like four guys. And I was like, what the fuck? I just did this. And one of them goes, he's getting up.

up and just hit me and i went out again i woke up they took my phone my wallet my joke book my pen my keys my change i was like gee you took the joke book come on you're a real comic because you said joke book before keys that's how you know you're legit that's hilarious they oh my god it's awful but it's hilarious i mean it's hilarious because you're okay but like god damn dude those four dudes

Yeah, I mean, I was a sitting duck. It was such an easy... I was a mark. Literally, I was so easy. It was like, I'm sleeping, I'm a young guy, there's four of them, it's over. I hate a fucking... It's like, you know what it's like? People going hunting against animals and you have a gun. It's like, that's what four dudes mugging one guy is. They're hunting. Yeah, and at least shoot a deer in the wild while he's grazing. I was a sleeping deer, you know? Like, I was too easy. Yeah.

Brutal. I just realized I was not recording. I have to restart this. I'm sure Harry can save it from the Zoom audio, but God damn it. My bad, dude. But yeah, the toughest thing is nobody tells you is you're like, all right, well, now I got to get home. But you don't have a MetroCard. So you're like, all right, now I got to buy one. But now you don't have a credit card or cash.

Or a phone, so you can't Venmo So getting home was a nightmare I had to jump the turnstiles It's like After Hours, Mark Norman edition Man, that's crazy They didn't even have Venmo in 2008 Did they have Uber in 2008? No, I just had to go And I couldn't get a cab either I had no money, no card, no cash So I had to just take the subway And I was fucked up So it was a long night I guess a payphone was your option back then?

I guess, but they took my quarters. You know, back then you had three quarters in your pocket. That was some real loot. Quarters? That was usable. I can't believe that shit. Fucking Rudy's, man. And that's a long excursion there. What are you drinking right now? Oh, yeah. Well, I always like to show the people at home that this is the real deal. We're going with Clooney's again. Good round. Kazami. Yeah.

Cosamigos tequila and my lady got some kind of drink with a lime in it so I stole her lime and her cup and I'm just going tequila on the rocks with a splash of soda water. We're going similar. I'm doing a splash of vodka with club soda because I'm fucking dying right now. I apologize my energy sucks. I didn't notice you having bad energy last week.

Oh, I was really faking it till I made it. So what's the hangover? This is a booze podcast, basically. What's the hangover recipe from a true booze bag? I make eggs. I do eggs. I mean, I had to go back to sleep. It was that bad. Yeah, that helps. I took like a 2 p.m. nap, which you're like, man, you feel like a real piece of shit taking it. It's not a power nap. It's like the opposite of whatever a power nap is. So I'm out. A weakness nap.

Failure nap I did that I did Yeah, I wake up, I make eggs Toast Throw some cheddar in there Some turkey Try to get some protein And some But it tastes good Then I Shitload of drip drop Which is like the Pedialyte It's like the Alternative Pedialyte That's good I think it's Oh, I don't know that That's what we called chlamydia I think it's a drip drop It's I think it's stronger than Pedialyte I think it's got more electrolytes I could be wrong But that's

That's what I heard, and I just went with it. But a little bit of that, a lot of water, a lot of club soda. Coffee? For the first time, it's got to be like, how bad? I did coffee on Friday when I was hungover. I couldn't do it today. What? That's the ultimate helper for me. I was that ill. I couldn't keep food down for a while. Until like five, I couldn't keep food down, so...

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you are. You are in bad shape. I'm all right now. Last week was in rough shape. All right. You know, except I'm actually I was all right a few weeks ago, but now I'm in rough shape. No, it's it's tough, man. I'll be good tomorrow, though.

Yeah, yeah. It's funny because when you're hungover like this, which I've been there a million times, you want to kill yourself. You question every decision you ever made. You're like, what am I doing with my life? The anxiety. But at like 1030 at night, you're like, I feel pretty good. And you almost want to grab a beer. Here we are. Right. You wake up at 10 a.m. I'll never drink again. 2 p.m. Well, I'll drink again someday. Just not right now. 9 p.m. One won't hurt. And then you're in a headlock again. Exactly.

Right, right. It's like women who date those, you know, fucking abusive guys. Never again. And two years later, they're like, ah, Frankie's nice when he wants to be. Back with Tito. Anyway, Tito's not so bad. No, yeah, it's a mess, man. So you're with a lady right now. Any Valentine's Day stuff or what? Well, luckily, she had a thing tonight and she...

She was super hungover today. So we like ordered in and had like, you know, the hangover sex and like sideways on the couch and nobody could move. And I was on no sleep. So it was a beautiful, beautiful Valentine. I love when she's hungover because she's younger than me and she's got all this energy. I want to just hang out. That's huge. It's great, too, when they're feeling like shit and you're like, I ordered in Thai for you. You know what I mean? Like what?

We're doing the lazy day for you That's the best I don't You know what I hate Is all these flower websites That are like Like Pro Flowers 1-800-Flowers It's like It's like $30 And then you get the checkout And it's like $110 And you're like wait How did that happen? Service fee These cuts These florist pieces of shit

And these, like, all of us douchebag, procrastinating idiot guys, we wait till the last minute, they rack it up, you know, and they know they got you by the balls because you need those flowers. Fucking flower guys. Yeah, they should be like an amateur flower website. It should be like not as good a job and like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's got dirt on it still. They took it out of a lawn.

Or a cemetery They don't even deliver it perfectly Throw it against your door, you have to find it But you're like, alright, that's something Yeah, that's a perfect day I was a bum today, I didn't do shit Yeah, I was glad Because I was on no sleep These flights now, I'm doing all these Midwest gigs And it's like

6 a.m. or a 7 a.m. 7 p.m. Like that's all you can get. So you got to take the 6 a.m. Then you got to lay over in Chicago and that's a three hour delay. And that's because there's just less flights. Yeah. Yeah. Horrible. Those are the horrible. And it's like we got to you want to get out. But fuck, I hate a 6 a.m. flight. Oh, it

Oh, it was brutal. And man, I got to tell you, for some reason, I flew out of Chicago to Newark and the whole flight was Hasidic Jews, which is fine, but they all knew each other. So they're like hanging out. They're all in the aisle. They're playing cards in the aisle way. Like the girls are on the floor and they're passing babies across from me. Like, oh, yeah, you know, I think I saw a kid get circumcised. It was bananas. They're so comfortable. The masks were down here. I was like, man, these guys are living, living the life because they all they had the whole plane. So I felt like I was in Pearl Park. Were they masked?

No, they were hanging low. They were doing the fake chin mask. I hate the chin mask. I couldn't believe it, but I was outnumbered. Yeah, it's funny. I was talking to an Orthodox Jewish girl once, and she said...

For some reason, we just started talking about Colin Kaepernick. She was like, I don't get it. She's like, I just don't. She's like, I don't get it. I don't understand it. And I was like, all right, well, you want to get a drink sometime? And she's like, no, I got a 7,000 person wedding to attend. I can't. And you're like, all right. There you go. Yeah. Fuck, man. That's brutal. That's brutal. 6 a.m. Yeah, it was tough.

And they are, you know, they're up and at them It was like, the kids, there was so many kids And, you know, the lady would come by The flight attendant would be like, ma'am, your mask And she'd be like, oh, oh, and she'd put it up And right when the lady walked away, she'd go And like roll her eyes, and I was like, man These Jews don't give a fuck They're doing the Hava Nagila They're high-fiving, it was bananas That stresses me out for travel Because I'm getting back out there soon And I'm like, oh boy That's one where you're like, alright

That's Jews It's like they're either the most neurotic hypochondriac Or they're that You know Yes You either get Woody Allen and Hannah and her sisters Where he's like I got a tumor I know it And they're like you're fine What are you Yeah or it's like Borat Or whoever Although I know he's Kazakhstan Yeah man What uh

Yeah, but good to be back. Good to come back. I had a Sunday show and I moved it to Saturday. Just coming back on a Sunday, such a game changer. You did a third show, you mean? Yeah, we added a show and did it early in the day. Did the Blue Room. Oh, it's a great room. Great, great club. Great time. Chris is so fun. He showed me the whole town. We went to a bunch of strip clubs. The Ozarks? You went to COVID strip clubs? Yeah, the gals are wearing a mask only because their faces are bad. But it was crazy. It was crazy.

We went and had a steak. He's one of these guys. I'm like, I'm from New Orleans. He's like, I got to show you the town. He just keeps taking me to strip clubs. I'm like, I've seen strip clubs. This isn't weird to me. That's fucking hilarious. I live in Manhattan. I need to show you the town. He's like, oh, yeah, let me see a strip club in the Ozarks. That'll blow my mind coming from Bourbon Street. Yeah, that's a great club, though, and he's a great guy. When I was there, I actually ended up in the hospital when I was there.

Had some horrible bug I don't know what it was But I could not keep food down I couldn't eat I couldn't crap It was like the worst I ended up in the ER With an IV in my arm They're like yeah you got some bad bug No food for another 24 hours I went straight from the hospital to the gig Did two shows They were the best crowd ever And my back was out And he like paid for a massage for me He's a great dude

He's really a great guy. He kept buying me things. I was like, stop, stop. We'd go to Come and Go, which is their 7-Eleven, and he's like, I'm buying you a Come and Go t-shirt. I'm like, I don't need the Come and Go t-shirt, and he just throws it at me. He's like, I bought it. When are you going to wear the shirt? I'll wear it to bed. I don't know. That's always the answer. Anytime you don't like a shirt, I'll wear it to bed or I'll go to the gym in it. And then you're like, slowly, you find a gym shirt. You're like, it's gone. Why even get it? Right.

I'll jizz in this sleeve of this thing once in 10 years and that'll be it. I'll use it to mop up the counter. So disrespectful. Come and go. With the jizz and a gift. So disrespectful. Well, if it's a fleshlight, what are you going to do? I guess if it's a fleshlight, but it's a weird... He's not going to give you that. Have you ever tried a fleshlight?

I haven't. I'm shocked that I haven't because I grew up fucking the couch, fucking the mattress, fucking the fridge. You know, all my friends were like, if you heat up half a cantaloupe, it feels just like a gash. So like I tried all these remedies. Oh, yeah. I mean, I had days off in the summer. What else? Yeah, it's weird. They make stuff specifically to fuck. And that's where we draw the line. I think it's almost like it takes the creativity out of it.

Also, I don't want to go to a store and just, what, do you have to clean it? My hand's perfect. We're fine. We're doing all right. I agree. I like the idea of jizzing in something and then just putting in the wash or putting the garbage. I don't want to keep it around. What is it, dishwasher safe? It's fun to go MacGyver of snatch. I don't think you put it in the dishwasher. I'm going to put it next to my cereal bowl. I don't think that's the solution.

Well, I mean, you ever seen smacks? They look like little vaginas, but I don't know. It's just like, do I, do I wash it in the dish to the sink? I mean, what do you do? You got to wash it somewhere. I think you wash it in the sink, but you got to make sure all the dishes are out. You don't want that going in the coffee pot, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Cream in the coffee. But I just I don't I don't to be that sad or somehow than actually using a flashlight. Of course, I think my Canon did a bit about this where it was like the cleaning was the was the part that drove him insane. I think it's horrible. There you go. Yeah, I'd rather a sock. Give me a wigwam. A wigwam. Would you ruin a sock?

They wash, you can put it in the washer It's on your foot the rest of the time It's not like we're treating these things like a pillow I go green, I shoot it in the hand and I'm done with it Yeah, I go green Mine's too, it's like a sawed off shotgun I've got spread, yeah I guess I've done it, I mean this is going to sound gross I have done it in the bathroom sink before I just feel like that's It's just an easy way, like alright let's clean I just, I don't like cleaning

No, well, you're a tall guy, too, so you have better aim at it, like from an upper level, you know? I don't think you're struggling with aim into a sink. I think you're all right. Well, if you're Muggsy Bogues or Danny DeVito, you might have to get on a squatty potty to get the height. Danny DeVito's got little doggy stairs to jerk off into a sink. Like the kids with the teeth brushing, he's next to them. Doggy stairs, fuck. So many dumb ads over the years, like...

Doggy stairs was one of the dumbest ones of all time Yeah, but that squatty potty, that made millions Yeah, that one makes sense, though, I think Yeah, and actually, my friend likes it, he swears by it I go to his apartment, it's sitting right there Is there anything else that was huge? Was ShamWow big or was it just mocked?

I think it was pretty big. I mean, the guy cleaned up. You know, like auto places would buy it. And car wash places. So they would all get it. But then you had the Pet Rock guy made a couple bills. How about Slap Chop? Was that big? No, what is that? Slap Chop. You just slap stuff and then you chop the food. I don't know. Oh, I don't know that one. What do you call it? The George Foreman Grill. That's probably where that started. Huge. Hulk Hogan turned it down. Huge. Whoa.

A lot of dough So it wasn't made by Foreman? I thought he thought of it No, I think it was like someone made it Let me fact check that right now I heard Hogan say that he turned it down Wow That's like Will Smith turning down The Matrix It's worse Same thing Will Smith is getting more movie options these days than Hulk Hogan

That's true. But I blame the I mean, look, the guy did well, but I blame the entrepreneur. Michael Seaborn is who that guy should be getting out there and selling his own product. That's what you do, I guess. Maybe maybe it's way. I mean, George, George Foreman Grill. It's like maybe that's why it's that big. Although it's like it's like the opposite of Stallone. Right. Rocky. He was like, this is my baby. I'm in Rocky. They offered him more money. Stallone still was like, I'm Rocky.

This dude went the other way. He was like, no, this is George Foreman. Yes, you got to own it. I mean, it's your product. Papa John, the MyPillow guy, somebody else who says the N-word. You know, you got to own your product. You got to get behind it. And you are the face of it. But hey, look, the George Foreman did great, but you're going to lose 30% of the profits going to Foreman. Huh. Yeah, I wonder. I mean...

That is, I wonder who would have been like the next choice after Hogan, Foreman. If Foreman turns it down, who's your next guy? I mean, you could have Lou Ferrigno, but that's too much of a bummer. He's got the speech impediment. I was going to say Muhammad Ali. The whole Parkinson thing might be an issue, too. It's like a thing where it's all about precision coming down. Yeah. He's more for the shake weight. Had to do it. Shake weight, was that big? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that had its moment in the sun. I don't think I see it at gyms. It's sitting there. Nobody ever uses it. It's too embarrassing, but it's around. People bought it. The NutriBullet had a real good time. That's just a blender, though, isn't it? It is, but it was quick and one push or two push. You know, it's a gimmick. Yeah. What? Anything else? Are we missing anything? Wasn't there something where you cut your hair and it vacuums it? Remember that?

That might have been the 80s. There's also like those Teflon pans. Clap on. Clap off. Clap on. I bought a clapper. Yeah. That was the original Alexa. When you think about it, because you didn't have to move. Yeah, it was really like every fucking hack joke, too, is like, I got a standy now. I fucked her. I got a standy now. I was huge for the.

The problem with the clapper, though, is it never worked when you wanted it to. Like, you're at home, clap, and it would turn off. But when you had friends over, you're like, watch this. You know, it never worked when you needed it to. Yeah, and it's also one of those things, like, you're like, it was the most depressing ad. It was, like, basically the lady from the Life Alert commercial. She was just like, mm, mm, and then she rolled over, and you're like, that's the whole fucking ad? Yeah, that was it. Oh, what about the Craftmatic adjustable bed had a moment? Oh, that would make the bed, like, kind of go up?

Yeah, so the old people could sit up and watch TV and then go back to bed. There you go. That got around. That was big. You know, it's kind of a nice thing, actually, if you think about it. It's kind of cool. Yeah, and this is the 90s when there wasn't as much competition. If you got an invention together, there was no Shark Tank. There was no Amazon. There was no website. You had to get on TV and hock that product. Yeah, damn. That's a good point.

Now it's like You can just put a website out Or a YouTube video Hey look what I made It's pretty cool Apple bought it For two billion Whatever But back then it was like This is all me In a garage In Indianapolis Now I gotta get it Get a TV commercial Crazy Different times man What uh What are you watching You got any recs Read anything Watch anything Movie Anything

Yeah, well, I just finished, well, I don't know if I finished it because it's still going, but The Lady and the Dale. I hear it's amazing. I got to get on. I'm like a doc behind you or two. It's unbelievable. I read about it. I just read the story because I was curious, but it's, yeah, it's insane. Yeah, it's crazy. This woman who did this whole journey is like so ballsy and weird and criminal and adventurous. Yeah.

And then I'm only on episode three, but I think the other one hasn't come out yet. But these Netflix, the HBO Duplass Brothers from New Orleans, by the way. But Netflix, these cum guzzlers, they stretch out these docuseries for 12 episodes. Which like which ones? These HBO ones. Making a murder. That was too long. Too long. I'm watching this other one now that Ron Howard just did about the lady who died at the Cecil Hotel in L.A. And they found her in the water tower.

It's like a classic old true crime story But they finally did a doc about it And it's so drawn out They just keep saying the same things over and over again And you're like, then each episode they give you one nugget And you're like, alright, now I gotta watch another one Yeah, everyone's talking about that one They could have one episode Making a murder drove me nuts The only long one that I was okay with was The Staircase I know you love that one Yeah, fuck man They're all too, just get it done Just tell the fuck, I watched Tiger because of you I watched the Tiger Woods one

Again, HBO killed it So fucking good There was that one line, the Tiger one Where some journalist comes on and goes Once you conquer the world, the world is going to want its revenge I was like, oh my god Fucking heavy Tiger Woods, you feel bad for that dude Because he was so fucking good But he was like a more machine than man

Definitely, definitely The only man thing about him was his sex drive and his ego Like he was so competitive You know, he's like Whatever that Australian guy was, the good golfer I forgot his name, cool guy Mick or Nick, I can't remember his name Maybe, maybe that's it Handsome guy, and that was the one where Tiger was like Yeah, that was a pretty good hit, but I usually hit it harder Or hit it longer, and the guy was like, Jesus Christ Phil Mickelson, he's not Australian, he's from California

He was hilarious because he's just like a chubby dude with all the goods and Tiger fucking hates him. He's just like a fat dude who could, he's not even fat, but like he's not Tiger. He doesn't look like an athlete for sure. Yeah, Tiger's like ripped out there in a polo shirt. But yeah, it's just like, hey man, relax, have some fun. But he couldn't do it. But part of me is like, is that what you got to do to be that good? To be that good? Is there a balance? To be the best ever? Probably. To be the best athlete?

I mean, shit, dude To get where he got And win And yeah, I think maybe you have to like It's a combination of like physical gifts That you're born with But then also having a dad who like It's so weird that his dad Like it's kind of It's weird because he's two years old On what is like some show Some talk show Merv Griffin or some shit And he's hitting the ball Bob Hope Yeah, and he's hitting the ball And you're like, oh, you're smiling You're like, this is amazing But you're like, man, it's also kind of sick

That you're like, bless you. But then it's like the people judging it. It's like, why aren't you doing this shit with your kids on TikTok? If your kid was that good, you'd be milking that shit for fucking views too. Great point. It is fucked up that the dad just... He's just banging women in his trailer while Tiger's just out hitting balls. So were those prostitutes? No, I think he gave women golf lessons and he just had game. I think that was...

wow damn good for him i mean crazy to do that in front of your kid he's cheating on his wife but like i'm impressed that he could pull these like there was like he's pulling these hot young blondes i'm like how this guy looks like uh you know uncle ben on the rice box he's not even that good looking of a guy but hey his name was what was his name like mordecai or archibald or some shit some old guy name uh

He just kind of looked like a little puffy He was like a puffy dude He looked like a fucking North Face You know? But he He would pull chicks I think he was also I think when you're like a good athlete Which he was, he obviously wasn't Tiger But he was like an athlete And he was in the war I think some of those dudes just have like a fucking swagger And kind of like I think once you've done that shit You're like, yeah, I'll fucking ask for a number You know?

Yeah, so true, I've seen Charlie, you know, whizzing bullets by my head And I've, you know, watched one of my friends die, I can hit on this Tiffany Yeah, dude, I mean, and he was the best, I mean, like, at like 19, he was like the fucking best Unbelievable, yeah, and it's, this is gonna sound harsh, but it's still crazy how good he was And his rise and fall, and he still didn't beat Mickelson's record Did he not, which one, what was his record?

Well, he's got like some crate, like 42 green jackets or opens or whatever you call it. Yeah. And Tiger has like 39 or something. But isn't Tiger, I don't know enough about golf, but isn't Tiger still considered the greatest? Oh, for sure. He's a better golfer. He just never got there because Mickelson's been around for 65 years or whatever. Damn. No, he's only five years older than Tiger, they said. He also, yeah, he's not that much older. Well, he does look terrible then. I don't think he's that old. I mean, geez.

I thought he was like 75 Phil Mickelson? Who am I thinking of? I thought these golfers were like old honkies Phil Mickelson? Well, he was the guy going against Tiger He's 50, he's not that old Oh, jeez, alright, well, I'm the wrong guy Well, anyway, yeah, no, it's fucking incredible, though And Tiger, like, I felt bad for him I remember Rachel, you could tell, used to come to Gary Veeder's shows Remember that? It was your show with Gary Yeah, she was at the show Really?

At Irish Exit Yeah, I saw her in the crowd once She was a good laugher So she's That's all I'm like, yeah, she tore his family apart But you know what? She laughed at my jokes one time And she seemed enthusiastic Gary said she was super nice, always Wow I'm kind of into her She's kind of Something about her She's just so down and trashy and fun Like, I don't want to marry the lady But something about her is fun I think that was maybe the problem with Tiger

You're like, this chick's fun. I don't want to marry her. It's like, well, then don't fucking do it. That was the fucked up thing is that he didn't just have affairs. He let them think he was in love with all of them. They all were like, he broke my heart. I'm like, Jesus, you're not just cheating on your wife. You have bad cheating etiquette. And apparently they were pissed because he didn't pay for shit. Even in the documentary, she was like, so I flew to Florida. I'm like, he didn't fucking fly you out? Yeah. What?

Oh, wow. Yeah. He didn't fly you places. It's making a hundred million a year and he can't fucking get you jet blue mint or something. You know what I mean? Right. Right. What the fuck? Oh, that's horrible. I didn't know that. But yeah, I think they say psychologically you do that whole thing with women where you go like, I love you. You're special to me. My wife, don't worry about her. You mean a lot to me. I'm in love with you because you feel bad about what your mom's been through. They,

His mom was through a lot Yeah, so it's in a weird way It's like, I feel horrible with my dad as my mom So I'm going to make these women feel good Well, short term, I guess Yeah, they were not happy with him I mean, that's

Crazy. It's also hilarious to think of Tiger Woods just in Vegas out with MJ and Charles Barkley. He's just like the geeky one. Yep, yep, yep. So true. Now, here's a horrible question that nobody wants to hear, but I can't help myself from thinking it or asking it. But no one's listening, so hey. I don't think that's true. I think people are listening. Oh, shit. All right. Maybe I brought this up before, but if you are a black and Asian...

You got the huge dong on the black side, the tiny dong on the Asian. Does it meet halfway, or do you think you still go black dong? You know, I don't know. It's an interesting question. I think if we're basing this purely off stereotypes, I think he's doing all right. I figure he was, too, because he's built more black, I'd say. They're ripped Asian guys. Have you seen Bruce Lee?

Yeah, but he's still petite, I'd say. He's thin. But he's built. All right, I hear you. He's ripped. He's shredded. It's a question. I think sometimes swagger says a lot, too, and he had swagger. He did have swagger. Well, if you're that good. Yeah, that is the other thing. Just being great will give you swagger. Yeah, I don't know. That's a great... We'll have to go to the listeners. Do you think it's huge, tiny...

Or in the middle And we're basing this only off stereotypes, of course Yes, obviously some black guys have tiny dongs And some Asian guys, I'm sure, have huge dongs But I'm just going off what I've seen Even that sounded condescending You said, I'm sure Like you're going off some myth And look, I'm sure it's possible Right That's gotta be kind of fun Maybe it's a gamble But if you're a girl who fucks white dudes a lot Every white dude is...

It's like, who knows? You know, it's up in the air because I've seen some white guys I know with huge dong and I've seen white guys I know with tiny. And so every woman's like going in completely blind. Interesting. I guess you could say the same with a vagina, but it's not it's not the same. Like, wow. I guess there's not the range.

Right, right. Maybe the outdoors look a little messier or clean. The porch is messier or cleaner, but the inside is usually pretty simple. Yeah, the interior is the same, I'd say, for the most part. Yeah, that's a good point. Is the penis a gamble? It is a gamble. You're going in not knowing. It's kind of like watching a movie and not reading anything about it.

Yeah, that's great. That's great. Or or or seeing a comic. You just like we're going to see comedy. And then sometimes you get Gaffigan and sometimes you get fucking, you know, Corey Holcomb. Crazy reference. You got to be a comedy fan. Interesting. So my record, I realize it's it's interesting. What about so I'm a tiger. Yeah, that was my.

Favorite doc in a while. That's my rec this week. Your rec is, what was it again called? Well, I got a different rec. You were asking what I was watching. But I'm trying to mix it up with the recs. Because I feel like every time I give a documentary or a movie. So I'm going with something. And this is perfect for me and you. You showed me this in, I don't know, 2008.

2012, 2013, we went to Montreal. We were in your hotel room, which was filthy. We're pre-gaming before a show. And I mentioned your facial hair. And I was like, your facial hair is always perfectly even and not long but not short. And you said, you got to get this shaver. Oh, the Noroco? Yeah.

The Norelco. I love this thing. I've had it since you told me about it. I bought it the next day on Amazon. I've had the same one. It's the best thing. I rarely charge it. It cuts perfectly. We were talking about late night infomercials. That just kind of looked like one for a second. This is the best thing. I use it every night. Right. Then you get the black and white where I'm like. No, I love that thing. I use it. I use it constantly. Starburst has one for his pubes and one for his face.

Perfect. Yeah, those Greek pubes, I'm sure, need a real trimming. But yeah. Yeah. I like this. We're doing more than just... I like this rec thing where we can do anything. Yeah. I'm branching out. I'm outside the box. Last week, I did a band. This week, I'm doing that. I listened to some of it. And I'm also going to rec... Oh, nice. What was the other rec? It's fun.

Well, I'm a big self-help douche with these motivational queefs and all these guys, and I love all this Zen Buddha shit and all these successful tips. And if self-help is too pretentious and too annoying, a good way to transition is a YouTube channel called After School.

and school with a K, and they illustrate it all. So they play some guy, like some Tim Ferriss-type guy, and he's talking, and they illustrate it while he's talking, and it makes it so much more captivating, so much more accessible, and the art is really cool, and they pick great little clips to put up, and I can't recommend it enough. That sounds good. It's funny, you said after school. Yeah, it's really good. I just pictured Mary-Kay Letourneau.

No, that's fucking, that sounds great. That sounds cool. I love, I love stuff where you're like, I mean, I got into, I listened to a few episodes of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast because you, I like, I like your recs, man. I go, I go right to them.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. You know, you try to try to branch out. It's all about open mindedness and new things. And there's so much shit out there that we just, you know, we stay in our little tunnel. We go, I like this. I like this. I'm sticking with it. But if you do, you branch out. There's so much great shit. I'm the king of that. And it's like, man, it's a pandemic. You got to mix it up. Your life is the same. I got to stop watching The Sopranos and The Simpsons all the time. I got to chill. So, yeah, it's good. Well said. I'm going to I'm going to do that for sure. I'll check out after school. Yeah, like.

Joe List bought a mandolin. He's like, I've always wanted to try a mandolin. And I was like, yeah, what the fuck? So I bought a piano. I bought a keyboard. It's on the way. It's shipping right now. Are you going to become like Galifianakis on stage now? God, no, no, no. I mean, I love Zach, but no. Are you going to do like Dimitri Martin shit where you just do like one-liners?

Yeah, I got an easel coming and a projector. But no, I just want to be the guy, you know, when you're at a party, it's kind of dead. And, you know, you're looking around and you're like, what is that? You blow the dust off. You blow the little cover off. Yes. You know, and then everybody starts dancing and somebody throws you a beer. I like that your vision is just like, you're just like the dude in the Heineken commercial. You're the fun guy in every 80s comedy where...

Every Dangerfield movie, every Dangerfield movie, for some reason he would just start singing and it made notes like, like, uh, fucking back to school. Meet Wally Sparks. He's, he's singing with all the wives. Goodness. Great. And his great balls of fire. You're just like, why is this in the movie? I know it was at his idea. So funny though. But yeah, that,

A pretty girl gets on the piano and starts dancing And she kisses me My tie's like on my forehead for some reason Yeah, I can't wait I love it, I love it You're gonna be, this is good I know this is good I'm gonna be at a fucking party with you Hopefully sooner rather than later And this shit's gonna fucking You're just gonna go right for it I'm gonna be like, oh, this is This is what, it paid off This is what it was for

Yep, yep, exactly And it's going to be a nightmare learning how to play And getting the finger strength and all that But I'm in a pandemic, what else am I doing? Yeah, I should do something productive I say that I won't, but I should start thinking about something I'll figure something You write a lot at least And you know, you got a couple pods And you got stuff cooking And you read I play ball

Oh yeah, and you play ball I do some stuff, yeah But it's not new Something new is I feel like that's good for your brain I feel like that's gotta be Yes, agreed What, any pet peeves? Uh, yeah, yeah Oh, we should do this ad too Oh yeah, let's do an ad Speaking of pet peeves I'll tell you what's not a pet peeve Lucy's nicotine gum Have you tried this, Mark?

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Uh, so I got to tell you this pet peeve and this is, this is going to be another weird one. Cause I, I get annoyed by weird shit, but, uh, you ever have this one? You're, uh, some guy, he's telling you a story or telling you a fun fact or something and you start laughing and they go, no, no, I'm serious. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but it's still funny. And they're like, no, no, I'm serious. Like, yeah. All right. But I still can find serious stuff funny.

And they're like I'm telling you man This guy murdered three people I'm like wow three people No seriously I'm like yeah I know That's why it's funny He was butt naked when he did it And you're like laughing He's like seriously His dick was wiggling everywhere And you're like

Yes, yes I'm aware, it's serious I've just got a fucked up sense of humor, baby Let me laugh Also, there's that line from that Barenaked Ladies song I can't believe I'm quoting the Barenaked Ladies But I'm the type of guy that laughs at a funeral I'm like, that's every comedian Doesn't mean we're bad people We're fucking, we laugh at weird shit Good point, yeah People are attracted to other stuff Let me be attracted to horrible humor

We're dead inside We need a You know We've just We've explored everything else So we need Maybe an extra jolt Of darkness To jumpstart This is our life Dark It's like of course dark jokes You think like fucking Hooker's just Only bang missionary We're into the Getting choked of comedy Probably I don't know Like that's We like a dark joke here Completely

Yeah, I mean, some preacher can kick back with a high life We're like, hey, how about an eight ball and a tequila? You know, like we have to kick it up a notch We're in too deep We're in too deep, man I'm totally with you People get annoyed at me They're like, do not laugh And I'm like, how do you tell someone not to laugh? I know How about you let them fucking Yeah, I don't know I'm with you I'm serious Yeah Yeah, I know, exactly Who cares?

It made me laugh. It triggered an involuntary response. Like, you telling me it's serious isn't going to change how I am. Yeah, it's weird. It's kind of like... It's usually someone who doesn't really know you, though. It's like, if they're really going to be like... If they're really going to be like, you know, why are you laughing at that? You're like, well, you don't know me. Yeah, yeah. And...

To be clear, it's not always about offensive stuff. Like, it could just be about anything. Like, this dude bought another couch. And I'm like, oh, wow, another couch. I'm serious. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I know. It's just funny. He bought another couch. I believe you. I think they think you don't believe me. I sometimes laugh harder in dark movies than I do in comedies. Oh, yeah. Silence of the Lambs is hilarious.

Like, put the bunny in the... No, what is it? The lotion in the basket? Are you doing Con Air there for a second? Put the bunny... I got screwed up with the bunny in the box. Good catch. Yeah, Con Air is hilarious. Con Air is fucking funny. By the way, young Dave Chappelle in that. And...

Can you imagine being that comic at that age? Like, I'm working with Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, like, John Malkovich. What the fuck? Yeah, I mean, he worked with Mel Brooks when he was even younger, right? I mean, Robin Hood, Men in the Tides. Good point. He was probably not starstruck at that point, I would think. I guess, but at least Mel Brooks, I feel like, you know, he's a legend and, like, a hero of mine, but he's still a comedian and in the mix. This is like...

A-level Hollywood shit, you know? Yeah, dude. Is there anyone who's more hit or miss than Nicolas Cage in history? It's insane. I know. I'd say more miss, but, I mean, leaving Las Vegas is unbelievable. Yeah, he's great in that movie. It's also like, you know what he is? He's the, I don't know what this white dude's penis is going to look like of movies. Yeah.

Yes Great callback Leaving Las Vegas Adaptation's incredible Raising Arizona Incredible Great So great Yeah so true And he can act When he wants to But he just picks These ghost writers Moonstruck is great Oh Moonstruck He's hilarious in that He's so fucking funny In that movie

And I heard he had a ton of gambling debts and has to take these movies to pay. That's what I heard. I don't want to see that movie. It's just like a fake Nicolas Cage just on set of shitty movies played by Nicolas Cage. Right, right. Talking to some bookie. But he's like bad Lieutenant Nicolas Cage in a Nicolas Cage movie. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right. Also not a bad movie. But Face Off is like objectively silly and ridiculous, but I enjoy the hell out of it. I guess we found the other guy who is the most hit or miss is Travolta. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, I don't want to say Adam Sandler because we're fans, but I mean, he's had some real misses too. I think comedy is also like, I thought Quick was pretty good, actually.

Really? I didn't hate it Maybe I'm one of the only It's a wonderful life vibe I don't know, I didn't hate it Christopher Walken was so good I like Walken Comedy, I think every big comedian Is in hit or miss movies If you're like Kevin Hart isn't You know, fucking Jim Carrey Come on, everyone's hit or miss Everyone's hit or miss Big A-list

You know, like Will Ferrell's been in duds. He's one of the funniest dudes ever. Yeah. Yeah, he's amazing. Will Ferrell, I feel like they just say like a genre of a sport and then Will Ferrell. Like ice skating and Will Ferrell. We'll take it. Car racing and Will Ferrell. We'll take it. Basketball, Will Ferrell. We'll take it. You know, it's just him. It's all him. Yeah, they were all pretty good. I didn't see that. I didn't see semi-pro, but I thought, I mean, I just kind of like Will Ferrell, man.

Talladega Nights is great So good, Sacha Baron Cohen is great in that Yeah, what do you think of the new Borat? Did you like it? I actually never saw it I'm not a huge Borat guy I love Baron Cohen stuff I love Ali G and I loved the first Borat I saw it in the theater, it was unbelievable But as I get older I'm not crazy about the tricking people And making them look stupid And that's the joke

I don't know, I just feel bad for them And like they tend to be a lot of idiots and yokels So that makes it even weirder to me That's interesting, you know what, I've kind of felt similarly about Like I love Bill Maher's show I'll listen to Bill Maher's show every week, you know But Religious, it's like Bill Maher's super You know, he's a super smart guy And he's like fucking with like Cadillac priests Where I'm just like These dudes aren't fucking legit I know they have big followings, but it's like

You're dealing with idiots here And then occasionally you get like a politician Like this should have been the whole movie Going after smart con men Right, right, yeah, yeah, I'm with you Like he's in a gun salesman Or a trailer park church And you're like, dude, these people need this shit Like they're down and out, they're all addicts That felt like very Hollywood You know, but as I said, I'm a fan of the show I think his show is great

I think the show's great, too. I think he keeps it real and all that. But yeah, that was a little tough. I'm with you. And I'm from the South, too. So there's like a little bit of like a, all right, easy, easy on these fucking rednecks, will you? They're just trying to survive. What about, yeah, that's interesting. I totally see what you're saying. That's what I kind of like about Impractical Jokers, because I do feel like it's them fucking with each other.

Yes, yeah, it's a brilliant comedy move Same with Jackass They're shooting each other out of a cannon They're running away from bulls They're shooting each other with a stun gun It's them It is weird to pitch You're like, yeah, I just fuck with strangers on the street And you're like, yeah, we all fucking hate that guy But we're watching I don't know I don't like it

I feel like there's a lot of hypocrisy with the politics stuff. You'd be mean to this side because I'm not on this side. But if you're mean to that side, it's mean. But you should be compassionate. I don't know. It's all very strict. I like the we're friends and we're the butt of the joke. That's my favorite type of the hidden camera thing. And the same goes with stand-up. If a stand-up is just up there going, this group sucks, fuck you. You've got to hit yourself every now and then. You've got to be humble and be human, too.

You always tell me that, like, I'll have a joke, you're like, it would work better if you shit on yourself in the beginning. And I'm like, yes, I mean, that's why every comic, almost every comic will open self-deprecating on late night or something to get that quick kind of, you know, so I, yeah, heads up. I don't like me either. You know, I, I, Marin, Marin, you said this great opener where he would come out on stage and go, uh, all right, take a moment to judge me.

I remember that But it's like You need that quick joke where you're like I think that was great Because that shows self-awareness as well So you want to show them that you're aware

Yeah, yeah, totally. Like, it's a hacky move, but it works like a charm when the comic goes, I know, I know, I look like this and that guy fucked or I looked like John Goodman fucked a Coke machine or whatever the fuck it is, you know, and it always hits because they go, you do. Yeah, it's the icebreaker. Right, right, exactly.

Yeah, if you show yourself I mean, look, if there's a way to make Sometimes the joke is only funny If you're shitting on someone else So, somewhat Oh, cool, I'm not It's not like a perfect recipe But like, if you can make it about you Yeah, that, I think, I think helps Yeah, yeah, agreed Alright, you got a, uh What did I just give you? The pet peeve? Yeah, you got a pet When you laugh When they laugh, when you laugh And they go, you know what I mean? You asking what you said?

Oh, my pet peeve is, uh, yeah. All right. I have a few. I got to choose one. I wrote down a few things bugging me. Um, this bugs me when people go, he's got a family as like a defense for someone being a piece of shit. Give him a break. He's got a family. I'm like, oh, so I can't, I have to like be an incredible human being. Cause I don't have a family.

Yeah, what the fuck? Everybody's got a family You're only existing because of your family I think they mean he's got a wife and kids I gave a friend of ours shit He's a good guy, he smokes cigars And he's got a family I'm like, that's all it takes? I drink green juice, I'm a piece of shit And I'm single, you know, I'm alone Right

That's a great point. So anybody, I mean, every Tom, Dick and Harry's got a fate. You just jizzed in some skank and she didn't have birth control. So now I got to be nice to him. Maybe I'm actually a better person because I didn't dump a load on a stranger and know that I wouldn't probably be ready to be a father. So I hate the, he's got a family. That's a great catch because people say that all the time. You go, all right, all right. But yeah, fuck that.

Why are we letting that be a thing? Let me do one more because it's kind of another one. When people go, I love you, but they preface it, I love you, but, and you're like, all right, what is it? And they're like, can you lower the volume? And you're like, why do you have to tell me you love me before that? Just say, hey, do you mind? I'm sorry, just lowering the volume. How soft do you think we are as people that you have to cushion that with, hey, I love you. What does your love have to do with that?

Right. It's pretty shitty. That's a sloppy, lazy version of the humbling thing that we were just talking about. I love you, but can you hand me the salt shaker? Just ask me for the fucking salt shaker. You're trying to ask for something, but still be a good guy. It's totally transparent. I don't like that either. I hate that. Yeah, so those are my two big ones, I'd say.

Yeah, you know what else in that same ballpark is I had a friend who would change his voice. He would go down a few octaves when he would ask for something. He'd be like, hey, yeah, you know, can you give me a ride to the airport? And you're like, just ask me for the ride. I don't know what the voice changes. He would try to sound cuter or something. Women do that in the cabs when they need a favor. Yes. Or the, excuse me, can I have a cigarette? Yeah.

Yes, yes, they do. That's dead on. We can see through it, Skanks. Come on. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Can I have a camel? That's true. Oh, that's hilarious. I should try that. Excuse me. The guy would give it to you. Get away. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I bet that guy exists in the West Village, honestly. Can I have your coat?

Excuse me I hate the voice change Okay, I got one more One last one One more I have a lot of these Keep coming This is like a prior set So my friend I mean, Carlin My friend Here's another people who deserve an inoperable tumor at the base of their spine

Here's another group of people who has which health plan included abortion. I love the best. You know what the best one of that special is, is when he goes, uh, people who say my daddy, well, my daddy used to say, you know what my daddy used to say? Fuck your daddy. Fuck your daddy. Uh,

It's not even great writing, but it's so fun. It's not a good joke, but it gets me every time. I'm like, that's not a joke, but I laugh every time I hear it. No. He got real loose on that special, and I was 100% behind it where he goes, you know what I hate? Guys named Todd. Like, what the... What basis do you have for hating guys? You've never met everybody named Todd. He's like, you know what? I like a guy named Eddie. And you're like...

I love where you're going. I get it. But man, you are taking some. This is a big deal. I listen to that special a lot. It's a funny. That's a fucking funny one, man. You're right. It's so loose. Is that complaints and grievances or is that back in town? No, it's complaints and grievances. Okay. Man, I used to listen to that in my college dorm, like fist pumping. Yeah, I would laugh so hard that I re-listen every now and then. I'm like, it might not be as good as I remember it, but I still love it.

Yeah, dude. I mean, those old Carlins, if you listen back now, like how much has changed with like all of the, you gotta can't say that and canceling. It is so harsh. A lot of the shit he's saying, like he says the N word a few times and he's like, you know what I call feminists? A cum catcher. You're like, whoa,

I can't believe he's saying this shit to a microphone It's weird how he would be like so reasonable at times And then so unreasonable And you're kind of like, eh, it's fucking Carl I think you're just going, going like Yeah, if you're a Carlin fan You gotta know you're not gonna love everything you hear that night But it was that funny, it didn't fucking matter Exactly And you could tell he was a good guy He was on the right side of everything But he still just liked making fucked up jokes That's the best Which I think is the best kind of comedian Agreed

You know, like, he's gonna do abortion stuff He's gonna do black jokes And feminists, making fun of women But like, he's like, we gotta take down These politicians, these priests are fucking kids Like, he was always The war is stupid, like, he was on the right side We gotta take down these pedophiles We gotta take down these politicians We gotta take down guys in visors Ha ha ha ha

What's up with guys that wear their hats backwards? You're 48, Jeff Turn that fucking hat around Or whatever it is That fucking is ridiculous Here's another one Alright Oh, wow, alright So I got My friend got invited to Everything's on Zoom now I'm going nuts I did a Zoom benefit the other night You know, to raise money for this Like, rotary club in Connecticut And, uh

This woman starts, first off, she starts heckling me in the thing. It's a guy. And I go, fuck you, Steven, you fucking pussy. So I start trashing him. And then he goes, this is his wife, Vivian. I go, oh, I fucking hate you. So I just start piling on. It felt so satisfying to destroy someone with a mic. I'm like, people have so much fucking confidence behind a keyboard, you know? But then when you start turning on them and all the other people on the keyboards are like, fuck her, get her. I'm like, yes. It was satisfying. My point of this is Zoom...

Everything on Zoom, like my friend goes, I got invited to a Zoom bris A Zoom, are we not taking this to, we can't do a private bris now? You're going to make me watch you fucking, you're going to watch your baby get circumcised without free bagels or coffee? That's the point, you're going there for the hang Right, right, it's a family affair, it's a tradition or a religious thing Like, this doesn't need to be Zoomed, I'm not going to a Zoom baptism either You know what I would say? I was like, hey, can you give me recording clearance? Can I record this too?

Yeah, you don't have a Toobin situation Or a Jubin But it's just crazy Because now I'm watching a baby dick on my computer My whole life is about not ever doing that What's even weirder is I've got another window open with a baby dick That's the... Yeah, exactly I don't know which baby dick to watch Those are my things Any news stories? Anything good? You're a machine with these I gotta tell you, I...

I had not much news I'm not even crazy about this segment We could change this segment for something else Yeah, maybe we should You got any, like a toast? We talked about doing a toast Anything impressing you? I'll come up with a toast next week Let me think of a toast now I feel like I'm much better at I might have to spin some pet peeves into positives For my toast People not inviting me to That's the thing, I'll say this A toast, the one good thing about this pandemic I have not been invited to weddings

Oh, you hate. I just hate like I hate how annoyed people get when we don't go because it's like, right. Just look, I'll go to some, but understand it's a big ask. That's all I'm saying that it's our job. It's like we have to it's like it's like literally the equivalent of us being like take an entire take Monday through Friday off work.

Oh yeah, oh yeah And get a plane ticket Put on a suit Sit through a fucking service Go to the reception where you don't know anybody You know Uncle Dale and he's weird And you gotta get a headlock from him So then you get really drunk just to get through it Now you're hungover You gotta get back on a plane I mean, it's a nightmare Do you hate going to weddings too? I mean, I don't hate them I have fun at them I want to do stand-up, especially now Think about all the weddings that have been backlogged

It's going to be mayhem, dude It's going to be Anytime I see a friend of mine post a thing like We decided to get married at City Hall ourselves Because of the pandemic I'm like, fuck yeah, dude Hell yeah, I'll send you a gift

Yeah, weddings are tough. I mean, I love if it's a friend and you're like, I'm going to know half the fucking party and I'm going to see a band and get drunk in a suit and dance with my lady and all that. Yeah, sure. It's good. But it always cuts into your all we have are our weekends. That's where I make my money. So yeah.

It's tough. And I love doing stand-up so much. That's the other thing, and I miss it so much. With the regularity, we used to be able to do it. You're right. I love Liz's wedding, Rachel's wedding. I've been at weddings where I've been like, this has been the most fun. Yeah, I want to do stand-up. Yeah, I'm with you. When I was in college and I wasn't doing stand-up yet, a wedding was awesome. It was like, oh, free drinks and music and

You know, friends But yeah, now it's It's a chore And then especially when you're like This isn't gonna last anyway What the hell am I doing here? That's I went to one wedding And it ended like Two weeks after What? They got a divorce immediately Yeah, I'm not gonna say Who you know the guy Damn Oh yeah, I do know him And It sucked It was kinda like You tricked me Damn I mean, it still Still sucks to get divorced Yeah, I mean, I'm being insensitive

Of course, of course, yeah. He's doing great now and all that, but it was just this weird thing. I think the girl's parents made him do it, which is so stupid because now you just paid for this and it's over. I mean, I don't know, traditional shit. Weird shit. Yeah, how about you want to do a joke or a toast? What are you thinking? I got a bit here that it's in the rawest form and I need your help on here. I tried it on stage and it got something, but it was clunky as hell, so I think there's something there. All right.

I find it so interesting, like the biology of humans. Like you can see a girl and you can see her like, oh, she's got pretty hair. And immediately you're like, I want to fuck her.

So it's kind of crazy that your body and your mind see this woman with pretty hair, and you automatically think, I want to make a baby with her. But your mind knows you're not going to have a baby. You're just going to simulate having a baby. You're just going to do the fun part. But your body thinks you're going to actually do the baby thing. That's why you get a boner. So your brain's going, let's go fuck this chick or fake fucker. And your dick doesn't know. Your dick's like, I'm in. Let's make that kid.

But maybe that's why you can't get it up sometimes because your brain and your body are too in tune. So your brain's like, let's go fuck her. Why aren't you hard? Your dick's like, what am I, an idiot? I know what's happening here. I know there's no baby. I love it. I think there's something. It's a lot to unpack. There's something funny about the idea of like you throw a condom over your dick. It's like almost like like a mafioso walking into a room thinking he's going to get made. And you just like put a bag over his head.

This isn't what you thought it was. That's the semen. We're killing the semen. So no baby will be made. Literally, you're not getting made. Yes, that's great. That's a great angle. It's just so crazy because your dick has no idea, but your brain knows. Your brain's like, I'm not going to ever see this woman again. It's a one-night stand. I'm in Missouri. But your dick is like, let's go. Here we go. And if it does know...

It's kind of like, why would I get out of bed for this? Yeah, it's such a big idea. I love it. I think something about having to trick your penis is so funny. Like, he's really like... But I think you make a point. That's why the condom is so... Because it's harder to get a boner with a condom. Maybe because your dick's kind of starting to figure it out. Like, wait a minute. Why wouldn't you want... Why wouldn't you want a baby? The jizz. Yeah. I thought that's what we're doing here. What the fuck? Yeah, your dick thinks you're just going to knock someone up.

Right, right But your dick doesn't have any But you need your brain Because the dick doesn't ask any questions The dick isn't like Hey, you've only known her for 40 minutes The brain is You need the brain The brain's protecting the entire body The penis is just thinking about itself Ah, yeah Yeah, that's true All right Yeah, the dick is like It's almost like You know, they say you're thinking with your penis Like, no, you're thinking with your brain Yeah Because Well, hold on

You're thinking with your penis and you go, yeah, but I'm controlling him. It's almost like when your parents are like, hey, kids, how are you? And then you tell your wife, like, we got to go to the D-O-C-T-O-R. And the kid's like, what? What are we doing? You're like, we're getting ice cream. You know how you have to spell it out for the wife and the kids have no idea? Yeah, that's interesting. And maybe that's how you work in the can't get it up angle.

Right, I love, I'm bringing kids in, which is odd, but yeah There's something Kids with a boner, it's a tough sell, but you see what I'm saying I totally get what you're doing, having a, you kind of have to mislead, there's something very mafia about it to me Where you're like, we're going to this place, and then you take them there and you're like, this isn't the clack, you know

Boom! Yeah, right, right Yeah, because Pesci thought he was about to get made And they shot him in the head There's something about having to lie And you're lying to yourself Your penis is a part of you Yes, yes But your penis doesn't realize its power Like, this thing Penis, you're just thinking Like, yeah, you were made to You know what it is? The penis was made to have babies

But that's the whole purpose. Yeah, but we've made some advancements. Like, Penis doesn't have eyes. Penis doesn't know what's on the internet. Penis doesn't know where a lot of his shit ends up a lot of the time. And thank God for that. Penis would look and be like, you're putting it where? This is horrible. What if Penis is just like a really sweet person? I'm here to make babies. Right, right. Why does it smell like shit in here? Why am I on her breasts?

Yeah. Even the mouth must be confusing to the dick. Like, why are there teeth in this pussy? This is getting pretty dirty. It's getting dirty. I think it's an interesting idea. I like the... I like the set up a lot of... And I'm a step slow. I apologize. I'm hungover as fuck. But I think the... Don't push it. I think...

Finding a second use That's kind of what the penis is It's almost like when the phone got a camera Where you're like, no, you can do other shit now We do Right The penis Right That's not it, that's not it But the penis has a second use now Second use, I like that And it kind of hasn't caught up yet And thank God it hasn't There's no Oh man, can you imagine? You'd have to I mean, that's what you're doing though You have to drug the penis sometimes

Yeah, pretty much You have to lie to it Definitely having a baby Maybe it is You're trying to sweet talk penis Come on penis, think about all the times I give you massages I'm so good to you penis I don't know, I'm getting too dirty now

All right, well, what do you got? You got any ideas? I had an idea for a bit about this woman was trying to set me up on a date, and she was like, so what kind of woman do you like? Like, give me a type of woman that you want to be set up with. And I think it revealed to me, like, I watched too much porn because I was, like, you know, mature, busty, handjob. Asian. Yeah. That's funny. I did the other night. A handjob got a nice something. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, mature. Mature neighbor. Stepmom. She's like, wait, what? Right, right. Ebony. What? Why do you call her Ebony? It's just a quick one. That's funny. No, there's a lot there, I think. And you can keep going, like, yeah, you know, uh...

In a, where do people fuck? Like in a, in a, what do you call those? In a test home, you know, like you're a realtor. Oh yeah, like a realtor. Finding a new house. Stockings, they're like, what? Yeah, yeah. That's interesting, like, because a woman would never do that. A woman goes off a rom-com, you know, like funny, ambitious, smart, charming. And you're going off of porn. That's a good point. Yeah, a woman is going off a type of dude.

Like, I feel like they're going for, it's funny, I feel like guys go for like fake professions and women want real professions. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Even at a male strip club, all the dudes have jobs. Right. You know, which has been done before. They come out as like a fireman, cop, whatever, construction worker. Whereas a stripper just comes out as hot. That's true. I feel like someone must have done that angle though now.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. I'm just throwing a spitball on different ideas. But I think comparing it to what a woman would say, because a woman's gone off like a romance novel or a rom-com or some guy they actually already like, and you're going off of porn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah It's funny because success has nothing to do with our fantasy But with women, it's like, I'd like a guy who's ambitious You know, makes money, good job, doctor I feel like this must have been done, though, this thing I don't know You don't think so? No, I don't think the porn thing I don't think the porn thing has been done That's funny That's very you, too I think that feels like a grill All right, well, we That porn joke from the old special was like

It like makes women sound better It's so politically correct It's like It's not a cum shot It's a facial Oh yeah yeah What was it That bit was huge Big beautiful woman Yeah you're not Cosmo is meaner to women Than porn That was a bit You're not You're not fat and Porn You're a big There's no fat and old Cosmo But there's fat and old porn Right Like in

Cosmo's like, how to shed that last 10 pounds. Porn is like, you're perfect. We have a category for you right here. You're not fat. You're a big, beautiful woman. You're not old. You're mature. You're not covered in semen. You're getting a facial. That's a great bit. And half the fun of that bit, well, not half the fun, but a funny part for me is picturing you with your dick in your hand about to jerk off going, ooh, I got something. I got to write this down. Isn't that funny? Do you ever do that when you're like,

You know, with May or something, you know, you're just doing your thing And then you're like, can you give me a second? Yeah, oh yeah, that's the worst I mean, but you gotta get that bit down Or else you'll forget it Yeah, gotta write it down We were fooling around the other night And I was like, oh, let me turn the lights on Because she wears contacts And she didn't have her contacts in And she's like, let me turn the lights on You probably can't see me because you have bad vision She was like, no, it's kind of hot And I was like, ah, jeez

You know, it's hotter if you can't see me So I was like, I gotta write this down That's hilarious, yeah During quarantine She gave me a haircut, you know And she goes, wow, you don't look like yourself at all And then she started kissing me And I was like, why are you fucking kissing me After you tell me that Right, right, exactly

But you got to write it down. Well, people, make sure to keep emailing us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at Gmail. We'll read those on the Patreon app. We got a lot of Patreon people already, dude. Woo! Yeah, yeah. Send us stuff. We'll read it. You could get your shit read on the live app on the Patreon and some funny stuff, some great premises. A lot of talented drunks out there. Is that what we're calling our people? Drunks.

I like the drunks or the booze bags or the booze hounds or the I don't want to leave out people who are in recovery. That's my only fear because we do have a lot of we have a lot of listeners who say they're in recovery. So I like that, too. So we'll think of something now. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Addicts. I mean, alcoholic could go. That's Alki's. Alki's. I like that. That's good. There we go. The Alki's. All right. Till further notice. That's that's where we're going with.

All right. Perfect. Well, good stuff, baby. Guys, keep listening. Subscribe to the Patreon. Give us a nice review on iTunes and keep on listening. Oh, and follow the Instagram page. We might be drunk pod. Oh, yeah. Oh, shout out the email. Oh, we might be drunk pod at Gmail dot com. And we got so many emails already. So we appreciate it. We change the email to, you know.

To a new one But I think this is This is the keeper We figured it out finally Yes Hear hear Alright See you on the Patreon guys Keep drinking folks Bye