Ep 1: Casamigos & Signatory
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- Ah, shit, these screens suck. Hey, there's my cocktail there. - Oh, what do you got? What are you drinking? - I went with a Cos Amigos. - Ooh. - Because I got the bottle as a gift for a birthday present and it's a great tequila and we drank it all night one night at the Fat Black.

Me, you, and I think maybe Ari and Mackie, a couple people came in and out. Oh, man. And we got so hammered. We walked outside. The sun was out. And then the next day, I remember texting you at like 6, and you're like, dude, I'm in so much pain. I'm like, me too. I've been puking all day. My head is killing me. Oh, dude. Those felt like grungy Rat Pack nights. Yes. Yes.

We'd be trying to leave and you'd be like, ah, I gotta go. I just got off the road. And one of us would be like, one more drink. And you'd be like, all right, what the hell? Exactly, because we used to get shit-faced together all the time. We were in our 20s. We had more time. And then we started getting busier with the road. And you're doing sets here, I'm doing sets there. So when we got together, it was like,

we couldn't leave each other. You know, we had to just keep boozing. - Yeah, you like, you look for the, you look for the hang. It's like when you're young comics and you're open micers, you get that every night. But when you're older and you're on the road, you don't see your friends as much. So you're like, shit, we got one night to do a week's worth of drinking. - Exactly, exactly, yeah. And then we got free drinks 'cause it was the cellar and oh man, it was just a lot of late nights and yeah, you gotta pack it all in. That's what's so hard about the pandemic is,

I mean, obviously the comedy part sucks, but the hang, like we just set this table for hours and it was like therapeutic. And then now that's why we do this shit. Dude, you're so right. And that was the thing about the comedy seller is that they wouldn't kick us out. So we'd be around the corner at the Fab Life Pussycat and we look down our phone thinking it's 2 a.m. and it'd be six. Like,

like constantly we're like how the fuck because there's no windows they just block off the door so it's like you may as well be in a casino at that point you're just like i'm just drinking there's no time anymore no time it's all free and then liz the the person who runs the cellar lives two blocks away and she's a booze bag so if we're drinking she's like great and she wants to get drunk so she'll keep it open later you know it's 5 a.m no one closes

Liz will drink dirty martinis out of a pint glass like a boss. She is the boss, but that's where like a boss comes from maybe. You drink like a boss. Bosses probably have to drink. Yeah, because she's got all that weight on her shoulders, the scheduling and the TV stuff and the annoying comedians bothering her. So when she has the chance to tilt one, she's going to do it.

She's trying to have a drink and some comic comes in like, did you see my tape? She's like, fuck off. Leave me alone. Exactly. Every comic. The comics that walk in and shake every fucking hand. Will COVID stop that? I know. Jesus Christ. Enough with the handshaking. Even in the movie Comedian, Seinfeld's like, we just shook. We got it. Yeah. So it's like he feels it too. It's not just a networking thing. It's like a thing of a drunk.

Sure. Because like drunks will like shake your hand and like do it and like we just show up. Come on. Right. What you get one shake. One shake. It's kind of an acceptance thing. Like, hey, guys, I'm here. You accept me. You know, you barely know me, but please shake my hand. That means I'm in. Yeah. How about you earn your in? How about you say something funny or grab us? Not just a shake because you're using social norms as a way in. You're kind of abusing it.

Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. It's tough because we're already uncomfortable. So when you put in the uncomfortable position, we're just like, all right, we're in whatever you need to make this go away. Right, right. I know it's tough. But by the way, Casamigos, George Clooney, right? Sold it, made like a billion dollars on it.

Unreal. Who would have thought the liquor biz was the way, you know, it's like Jay-Z and Puff Daddy and Sammy Hagar all, like, made zillions off of liquor. We should make a liquor brand and, like, just try to, just on the chance that we pop. Yeah. I mean, we're not going to pop like Clooney, but we might pop enough. Right. I mean, what's...

I can't tell the difference. Well, the rock is Terra Mana. That's the big one, the rock. I got that in the freezer. It's pretty good. What's Terra Mana? It's like a Blanco tequila, silver. God, am I told I say Blanco. Ugh, I hate it.

The Rock has Terramon. It's good. And then remember Corolla had Mangria. Does he still have that? Still has that. He's got Brose was another one he had. I think he cleaned up on that shit. I'm sure. Yeah, it's a good move. I mean, you get something. It's like normalizing a kind of pussy drink, but you put a man thing in front of it. And they're like, oh, we could have it, you know?

Also, sorry, my fucking computer's being weird. Also, it's a genius sale because if you're a fan of a guy, you'll buy his shit, and everyone wants to drink anyway. So you get that perfect, like Tiger Woods sells a watch. I'm not going to buy that watch, even if I like him, but I still need a drink.

So it's a pretty smart investment. I'll tell you though, Tiger Woods sells a lube. I might listen. Something about, something sexual he could get me to bite because he is a legendary poonhound. One of my old jokes, Tiger, how many supermodels did you fuck tonight? Four. All right. All right. Remember, Geraldo had a bit, something like,

like how people they don't understand sex addiction but like i bet like to his wife he was like there's some things that i bet you don't understand like you know like i don't understand your obsession with shoes but if a pair of free shoes knocked on your hotel room door every night you might keep a pair of like oh that's a fucking great angle to like defend the cheating

Great angle. Yes. So good. So good. The Geraldo. A valedictorian of Columbia University. Was he? Yeah, I mean, brilliant guy. Anyone should say Regis. Do you ever get bummed that we don't, like, we didn't get to hang out with Geraldo at the Cellar?

A little bit, yeah, but I think he was a little squirrely. Like, I met him once or twice because I was such a fan. I, like, paid money to go see him at Gotham once and once at comics. Do you remember? Yeah, I sat next to you at comics. Oh, that's right, yeah. Yeah, it was you and me, and we listened –

uh my friend was recording the set my friend ellie was recording the set and he couldn't listen to it because every other joke one of us would be like oh shit that was amazing we'd be like nerding out ah that's great yeah yeah he was so fun but like list has this famous story about you know 20 years ago over david tell in uh maine or some crazy thing and david tells like we're drinking tonight and i'm gonna drink you under the table and this was like

i'm 20 years younger than you i'm a boston drunk let's bring it on he said three hours and he was like no more no more

Please, sir. Please, I'm sorry. And I think Geraldo was the same way. -Lis is like the kid in "Unforgiven" who's like, "I can murder a guy and tell us Eastwood, like, 'You don't want any part of this shit.'" -Exactly. Yeah, this is another level there. I'm way more of a drunk and a deviant than you. Plus, I think there was some blow involved and all that. So you couldn't keep up with Dave. He's the Yoda of jokes and drinking.

He's like Yoda meets Hemingway. Because there's like a, yeah, there's like a lyrical nature to his humor. But then also the drink, and you're like, fuck. We didn't know Attell when he drank. We knew him since he's been sober. He's still fucking brilliant. Yeah, I know. Him, Dane Cook never drank.

Oh, Nick Griffin was a booze bag, apparently. If you don't know Nick Griffin, look him up right now if you're watching this, because, what, 11 or 12 of the best Letterman sets you've ever seen. If you like jokes, watch Nick Griffin. Unbelievable. Great writer. I see him at park shows and shit. Like, he's out there. He's writing new jokes. Have you heard his jokes on the couch? He has a chunk on couches. Oh, dude, he's the best. It's killer. I love his joke where he's like...

He said, these celebrities, they're always complaining. The paparazzi's bothering me. Oh, yeah? Visa's bothering me. So good. Yeah, he's got those bits about how Brad Pitt complains and how you kill for those complaints. I mean, he's killer. He's one of the best, but

Who knows? This business is all topsy-turvy. Life is topsy-turvy, man. It's all good. I'll tell you what I'm drinking. Oh, please. You told me. I love the Casamigos Choice. Love tequila. It was between tequila and scotch tonight for me. Those are my two. Those are your two? I like doing a little wine in the winter, too. A little red wine. Oh, yeah. Why not? But I don't even know what this is. It's my agent, our old agent, Hillary...

Robbie got me this. It's a nice scotch. Wow. I don't, it tastes delicious. It's really, really good. Is it peaty? Is it, uh, it's a little peaty. It's not that, it's not like super, I mean, shit, man. Those, I love, I love a good, like, like,

Lagavulin, that's the shit, right? So good. So smooth. Yeah. That was like, that gave Amy Schumer major points that that was in a rider that I'm like, oh, she, she fucking drinks PD scotch. Right. I know that shit's amazing. Just on ice or, or neat. So good. No, it's just a really, it's just really smooth. It just doesn't even taste like, I mean, all the shit will still give you a hangover. Brown liquor will still fuck me up.

That's why I was a big whiskey, bourbon, rye, scotch, loved all that shit. But Bert told me that, A, tequila is – or maybe it was Ron White. Tequila is the only liquor that's an upper, and it's a better hangover because it's clear. Yeah. No, I'm sure – I mean, you got to go easy with the brown stuff these days, but –

Damn, dude. It is good. Like, I do like this shit. And it is fun to, like, look through your liquor cabinet and realize, like, oh, like, your rep's just, like, I'm never going to go through all this shit. That's such an agent gift. They're like, here's a bottle of scotch. I'm like, perfect. Yeah, and it's such a weird thing that they're like, hey, keep your life in order, make us money, but here's poison. Yeah.

It's a weird message. But hey, I'll take it. I mean, it also kind of shows we don't actually have a problem. Like we like the sauce. But I got a full bar cart over there and I don't hit it that often. No, if we had a problem, they wouldn't get us one nice bottle. They get us like eight shitty bottles. Yeah, that's the problem. The guy with the fucking nips, you know, those minis.

Hey, that could be a bit like is it you're somehow more of an alcoholic if you have less booze. Oh, I mean, that was like a thing. I remember Bukowski had that book, Hollywood, because they made that movie Barfly where Mickey Rourke is basically playing Bukowski. Yeah, I think in one of the scenes he like took a sip and like didn't finish it. And he's like, that's bullshit. A drunk always finishes it.

There you go. He's calling out... By the way, Mickey Rourke's probably like, I know what a drunk does. I'm struggling here. Like, clearly the guy's got some baggage, you know? But... What happened to that guy? He was like the biggest... He was a great actor. He was like a huge A-lister hunk, like sexy guy, out of the gate, like this James Deeny kind of Brando quality. So handsome. So handsome. And then now he's like this weird, ghoul, plastic surgery nut. Well, he was, you know...

I think a damaged guy, very like super handsome, great actor. And then was like, I want to be a boxer. Oh, I didn't know that. He was like the Logan Paul of his day. Wow. So he, he would box people and, and,

I think he could fight, but he's not like a fucking pro. So he got his face pretty badly fucked up and got some plastic surgery. And I think that's when it begins. And I think that's why he looks how he does. I think he would age much better. Wow. That's fast. And it's also interesting that like he tried to get back in acting when his face was fucked up. So his agent, when they got the wrestler was like, finally, we got a gig for you where you can look like ass.

and you look like you've been mangled it's a perfect gig that's a great agent it's a great movie great movie great there are a lot of comedy uh parallels in that one too oh my god right when they're like you see how they're like bonding the old wrestlers you're like oh shit that's comedy at like the at the fucking uh autograph sign and you're like oh that's that's comics like texting on cameo like are you on cameo right whatever

Yeah, and they were comparing, like, I got three ribs broken, I broke my ankle. That's like us. Like, I bombed here. I lost this Tonight Show gig. I fucked that one up. I lost that TV pilot, whatever it is. Yeah. Our bar scars are emotional. That is like, were some of your early jokes about drinking? You have so many drinking jokes. Yeah, so many. You write what you know. And I secretly wanted to be like this romantic drunk comic, but I think you kind of grow out of that.

Yeah, well, you either got to live it or you got to grow out of it. Because, like, the drinking comic is cool in their 20s, but then, like, you hit your 40s or 50s and you're like, this is, like, this is a choice at this point. Right, right. This is who I am. Yeah, yeah. I mean, no offense to Burt, but that's got to be a bit of a monkey on your back. Like, all right, I got to get shit-faced now and I'm pushing 50 whatever. Like, that's tough. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Don't worry about the guy. Yeah. I mean, it's weird. He's super healthy in some ways. I know. I know. I went on a ski trip with the guy. He out-skied all of us. No, he's like an athlete. People laugh when I say he's an athlete. I'm like, no, he's like an athlete. He's like a big...

-Totally. Like, he would out-ski all of us, and then second day, he was like, "You know, I'm gonna try to snowboard." And then he snowboarded better than all of us. And then Ari's a good skier. Ari's like, "I'm gonna race you." Ari fell, broke his wrist. Bird just flew by him.

And then he works out every day. I just realized, by the way, I'm sipping a really expensive scotch out of a Syracuse Funny Bone cup. Notoriously my least favorite club. Oh, it's terrible. I'm banned from a lot of the clubs because of that. Really? I mean, first off, I'm trash. I don't deserve this scotch, clearly. But no, this is...

Yeah, I did whatever. Like, my agent called me. They're like, what did you do? They're furious. And I'm like, my act? I don't fucking know. Like, I didn't do anything. I didn't, like, melt. I know she's picturing I melted down on stage. Like, fuck all of you. Like, first off, it's a mall in Syracuse. It's not, like, our ideal audience. Like, we didn't get into this to fucking perform next to a Cinnabon and Spencer's Gifts. It's not, like, where comedy lives, you know? Right, yeah. It's actually next to a Toby Keith's.

That place was a soul crusher. The hotel was weird. The town sucks. The people suck. Oh, man, I hated that weekend. And that's a real, your opener is going to do better than you weekend. Yeah. Because my opener was always some hack. Shit, I'm just now trying to think if I know anybody. I had a funny guy opening for me, for sure. Okay, okay. It was Brent Terhune, who's really funny. Oh, he's great. He's really funny. Yeah. No, we both like had ups and downs. I mean, it was like,

I've heard stories about that club where they're just the waitstaff was just talking so loud. Yes. People don't get what's driving us insane where the waitstaff is talking so fucking loud. And I guess it was Ron on Hirschberg. Our buddy was featuring there and Ali Sadiq was. Oh, yeah.

who every clip i see the guy he's funny as hell i don't know him but like he's a killer and he sells out he's great he's really funny and run on said like he's just on stage not huge crowds he's having to talk over the waitstaff that's being so loud and he's just looking at them he goes i hope you motherfuckers know you're doing nothing for me he just starts turning not on the crowd on the waitstaff and i'm like oh my god yeah that's

It's the weirdest thing because you're like, we're kind of on the same team here. We're both employed by this club at the moment and you're killing me and they don't know, like they have to do their job, but you're also fucking me up. But it's not their fault. They're usually not, if that's the case, they're usually not properly trained for that. Right. They should know. But yeah, I mean, that's just not,

a good gig. No, no. It's fascinating how like just the same material can kill in one city. And then you go 20 minutes over like Buffalo. I do great. And then you go to Syracuse. That's a great point. Buffalo is great. Syracuse. I did a good club there once. Um, but you know, the funny bone for some reason, I think they just papered. So no one pays for their tickets. So you get a lot of those. And then, uh, cause I didn't sell enough. And then, and then, uh,

Yeah, it was just one of the also like the highest suicide per capita, I think in the United States, I could be wrong, but I think it's up there. I think it's like in the I know, like,

I know that there's a very high suicide rate. -Interesting. I can see it. I mean, it's just blistering cold. There's nothing to do. And it's one of those towns where you go, "What should I do here?" And they all say the same thing -- dinosaur barbecue. Like, you got a barbecue joint? That's it? That's the height of culture in this town? That and basketball. Like, their college ball is pretty big. -Yeah. They got a cool college ball situation. But, yeah, it's -- And I should say, my comedy there did not do anything to help the high suicide rate. I think that --

But yeah, you're right. Dinosaur Barbecue. I know like I've been to the games there. It's pretty cool. The arena is pretty cool. And like they do recruit well because they're like, you get to play in front of a shitload of people. You're the only show in town. So I think they recruit, but it's like, yeah, it's...

You want to say that on stage, you want to go, hey, I know the suicide rate is high here, but it's mutual. I'm with you. I hate it. I want to kill myself here, too. This is a nightmare. But you can't, even in the towns, you still can't shit on there. It's still where they live. They still have, like, that's the thing you got to respect is, like, even if they don't like their hometown, there's still hometown pride.

Yes, yes, yes, exactly. It's like your mom or dad can beat the shit out of you, but they're still your mom and dad. So if I'm like, your dad's a fucking idiot, they're like, hey, he beats the shit out of me, but he's still my dad. Fuck you. Exactly. And like, you can say your dad is shitty. He's your dad. But if some stranger goes, you have a shitty dad, you're like, fuck you. My dad's not shitty. I'll fight you. That's us coming in saying, fuck Syracuse. Yeah, exactly.

You can't say it. You got to go with the flow. And they're like, oh, look at these city guys coming up here, thinking they're hot shit. And you're like, no, no, no. We have low self-esteem as well. It just sucks here. It's cold. I should tell you what happened to me last night. I gave you the bare details. But hospital, quick trip, I'm fine. Yeah, dude, fucking few stitches in my shin. It's completely my fault.

Yeah. I was looking at here's, here's how much I'm falling apart. I see a guy who he's like a specialist for your neck and shoulders. He's a, he's a massage therapist and he's really good. And I leave there and I'm like, all right, I'm in so much pain in my back. I'm in physical therapy for my neck right now. So I'm leaving. I'm walking home. I'm looking at my phone, spacing out, walking quickly, looking at my phone like a fucking idiot. Yeah. Ow, right into a, right into a metal bench.

Yeah. One of the things... Like a bus stop bench? What kind of bench are we talking here? No, it's like a metal... You know those sharp ones that are just kind of hanging out? The sides are kind of sharp a little bit? Oh, yeah. So I just walked into one of those, and a guy watched me do it and felt rightfully zero sympathy for me because he's like, I saw you looking at your phone. He's like, I know you. And in my head, I'm like extra mad because I'm like, fuck, I deserve this. In my head, I'm thinking about like,

They're going to fucking turn the... The machines are going to turn against us. I'm like, they don't have to. They already have us. So I'm in pain. I'm like, fuck, the blood is just shooting down my leg. And I'm just... I'm like kind of hobbling. There's an urgent care across the street. I kind of hobble into the urgent care. Like, can I see someone? And the lady goes, we're closed. Ah, jeez. I said, well, the lights are on. Yeah. Motherfuck. Yeah, we could...

- That's crazy. It's a hospital or it's a care place. We're closed. We can't have you. We're closed. - We don't have anyone here. And I was like, then why are you guys just hanging out? Like, don't you just leave? So I'm like pissed. I walk out, I hobble out. I'm freaking out. - It's like McDonald's breakfast, by the way. Sorry. It's after 11. But you got all the fucking patties and the eggs. Yeah, but it's after 11.

No, please. This is what this is. So I'm hobbling down the street. A guy sees me bent over with blood kind of just shooting down my leg. So he goes, are you okay? I go, ah, I'm just, I'm hurting a little bit. Yeah. And he great guy, fucking New Yorkers, man. He goes, let me help you get a cab, go to the hospital. I said, all right, get in the cab.

I'm in the hospital or in the cab going to the hospital and immediately the driver, I just say, hey, can you take me to the hospital? He starts driving the wrong way. I'm like, hey man, there's one like 10 blocks from here. Just go to that one. And he goes, oh, okay. And I'm like, I'm glad I'm from here. And then he goes, hospital, like what happened? I said, oh, my leg's pretty bloody. And he goes, are you getting blood in my car? I'm like, no, it's in my pants. And he goes, okay, good. I'm like, fuck you.

- Jesus Christ. - The classic New York thing. And then I could tell he felt bad. He goes, "Are you okay?" And I was like, "Yeah, I'm all right, I'm all right." So I walk in, I go through, they have, you know, they got the little, it's like an airport now. You gotta go through a medical detector to get in the hospital.

So I go in. Is it COVID crazy? Is it just buzzing? It wasn't horrible. There's a few people in there. I mean, it's a mess. I mean, it's not a good place to work. So I walk in and I'm sitting there waiting for them to call me. And I'm like bleeding a lot. So at a certain point, I'm just like,

Hey, I just want to make sure this isn't serious. Can someone just see me? And if it's not serious, I'll happily wait in another room, whatever. And the woman goes, all right, let's like, what is it? I'm like, is this the fucking DMV or the hospital? Like what's going on? She's giving me shit. And I just said, here's my name. I'm going through my name. What's your name? I go, Sam Morrell. And she goes,

All right, is that the name on your driver's license? And I said, it's Samuel on the driver's license. And she goes, then why didn't you tell me that? Why are you giving me nicknames? And I was like, I'm bleeding a lot. I'm not fucking with you. Like, what do you think I'm doing? Wow, this is hilarious. She's hitting me with the sass. And I was like, all right, lady, shit. So-

I just go, this is my info. Please just let me know when I'm ready. I'm bleeding a lot. She looks at me like, like doesn't give a shit at all. And I'm like, all right. I mean, like I get the, I get that you've seen worse today. Don't get me wrong. But still it's ironic that they call these places in New York care. Cause nobody cares. That's the last thing, you know, like we care about you. You don't give a shit about me. So don't call it care. It's called urgent care. Come on, help me out. More like urgent apathy. Am I right? All right. So I, uh,

I'm just sitting there waiting. Some guy walks in. This old guy walks in. He's high as shit. Like, off his ass high. Reeking of weed. And it's like, honestly, the only thing that's making me smile a little bit is this old man as high as fuck. So he's there. A woman and her husband walk in, and she goes, please, my husband's having a horrible allergic reaction. He needs to be seen. And the high guy goes, come right in. Come right in. And the guy goes, no, he's got to go through security still. Ha ha ha.

to the high guy goes no no no you're fine he's like going at the guy and i'm just like oh this is a fucking shit show so i'm just finally they see me i'm in there for a couple hours but they stitch me up i'm fine you know yeah god damn unbelievable so and also i told the guy i'm like look i get this isn't the top of your list you've seen some real shit it's a saturday in the er you've seen worse shit than something that needs four stitches but like it is on the shin it does hurt a

And I said, did I overreact coming here? He said, no, you absolutely should have come in. I was like, all right. So I'm not- All right, a couple of things. The shin, I was a skateboarder. I fucked my shins up. If you put your hand down my shin, it feels like it's like rigid. It's like serrated.

yeah so that shin is the worst pain and secondly it sucks you got no story you know what happened did you did you kick open a manhole and help a lady or whatever it is uh did you get it by a car yeah the phone that sucks well i mean the no story is kind of the story though at the end of the day that's true i mean the no story the the fact that i'm fucking incompetent is is i guess the story unfortunately now but uh yeah it's a bummer like uh

Maybe you can use it. Like, oh, I was looking at my phone. I was plugging my new special, you know, or something like that. Just somehow you can get something out of it. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking annoying. I'm annoyed that this is how it happened. But then you're just like, thank God it wasn't worse. You know, you're just like, there's something there. I'll crack it. I'll get some bit out of it. Definitely.

The funny thing is, like, New Yorkers are just such fucking trash unless it's an emergency. They're just really, like, garbage. And then, like, they're like, oh, shit, this guy's hobbling. I'll help. But, like, any other time, any other time, they're like, go fuck yourself. I mean... Yeah, exactly. We'll crack it at some point. At least, you know, in New York...

You got the high guy, you got the cabbie guy who's funny, you got the sassy nurse. It's like a little adventure everywhere you go. So you get that fun part of like, it's entertaining at least. Every New York, it does feel like you get like a taste of After Hours, that Scorsese movie. Right, exactly. Yeah, there's all these characters, like somebody had to cast that sassy nurse, it feels like, you know, but it's just real.

Do you ever go to the, when's the last time you went to the ER? I'm a big avoid the hospital guy. Like two things I never do is call the cops and go to the hospital. I just, I don't want to involve them. The, like the civil service workers scare me for some reason. Cause it's just too, anytime that's going down, it's never good. So like, I like to just avoid all that shit, but I tore my sack open in college and I had to go to the ER and it was a nightmare. What was his name? Yeah.

It was rough. I got into a fist fight at a party in college in the backyard. Oh, my gosh. I was losing the fight, so I jumped over the fence in a moment of cowardice. And the fence had, like, spikes up top. It was a black wrought iron fence. Oh, man. And I caught the sack on the leg over, like on the straddle. And I tore the sack, and I had to run. I remember I was dangling by my jeans. Oh, man.

And they all were laughing. I was on the other side of the fence hanging there. They're like, look at this fucking idiot. Oh, dude. I ran home, went to the hospital. But they had to sew it up in front of me. It was a nightmare. Oh, my God. Yeah. You got your sack ripped up.

By being a coward. That sucks. Yeah, I mean, in my defense, I hung in the fight for as long as I could, but I was losing so bad, and I had to get out of there. But, man, it was like out of a movie. I got a big needle in my sack. The guy's asking about the – he's like, hey, you like the Tigers? What are you, a Saints guy? And he's like stitching me up. And then the hot nurse comes in and puts –

LSU, yeah. The hot nurse comes in and she's putting Neosporin on my freshly sewn up scrotum. And I got the acorn dick. It's cold in there. It's a nightmare. Oh, fuck.

Had to wear a jockstrap for two months. It's hilarious that we get like, because I think that's a common male thing is that if you get like shrinkage before a testicular exam or something, you're in your head. Like the fucking, like the doctor's going to the next room, like we got a tiny one in fucking room five. Like, I don't know why that's so, but like every guy, if we're not at our fucking best penis wise, I don't know why we do that. In their defense though, I wouldn't do that. I'd be like, geez, we got a real frightened turtle in 4B. Yeah.

Are they leaving the other rooms? Like, you should fucking, you should try to get a second look. I mean, this is fucking special. Like, we should misdiagnose it just to get a second peek, you know? Exactly, exactly. That's what I would do. So I assume they're doing that. And she was like 25. She was young. And she's probably like, Jesus, guys, poor thing can't, he can't pleasure a woman with that thing.

It is funny too that like the idea that like, what do you say when a guy will fight? You say he's got balls. Oh, interesting. You literally didn't have balls. You ran away to the balls. Your balls got shredded. Yeah, they got shredded. You're right. On a fence. Here's the craziest part. I passed out at home, woke up, went to work.

Cause you know, you're still drunk. You just get up and you go. And I was, I was a waiter at the time. And I was like, God, my balls are stinging my sack. And I went to the bathroom and it was torn open. I didn't even know it. Cause I blacked out and I saw a ball. That's fucking gross. It was, it looks like a peach pit. It was wild. I panicked and I just ran to the hospital. Crazy college.

You went to Tulane. You probably had some wild drunk nights. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that roofie story is from the Deke house. Oh, I know it on Broadway. Sure, yeah. Yeah, a lot of drunken nights there, definitely. I mean, New Orleans is a wild, wild city. That is... It really is. It's like a dangerous town. I mean, I do remember... Shit, I mean...

You must have seen so many. How many Mardi Gras have you been there for? Like almost like when, when's the, how, when's the first Mardi Gras you went to? Oh, I mean, I was a baby. There's pictures of me on my dad's shoulders, you know, at like four, you know, catching beads and shit. I remember seeing like boobs, you know, in the French quarter at Mardi Gras, all that shit. So you throw beads at another four year old. You're like, show me your tits. Exactly. Just a flat little girl, but yeah.

Show me your diaper. But yeah, it was just part of the culture. It's like going to Little Italy. I always say New Orleans in the U.S. is like what Montreal is to Canada. It's got that kind of French influence, but then also there's nothing like it.

Right. In America. So it's it could be like not part of our country and be like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. You know? Yeah. Yeah. If Montreal was molested young because obviously we got so many more, you know, issues and vices here. We've got the prostitution and the strip clubs and corrupt politicians. I mean, it's like it is a classic like I want to know more about yours. There's no politician there. Like you just picture every governor.

out of louisiana like every fucking mayor in new orleans to be playing like at some shady poker game at four in the morning yeah yeah biting a cigar whiskey but when katrina happened all these uh like what do you call it televangelists and like religious people like that was god trying to teach you guys you guys are so gross and dirty it was god trying to wash you of your sins and we're like yeah shut up you fucking pussy

The same. Oh, dude, televangelists. Like, I don't know how the fuck they sleep at night. It's such a... Remember Joel Osteen was like the whole thing, like, you need to love that name. You got to take care of people. It was like the flood in Houston. He was like, get the fuck out of my church. Get out of here. Yeah, he's like, we just did the carpets. Get the fuck out of here. I know. I don't even blame those guys because they're obviously like just grifters and shit like that. But like these people fall for that shit. I guess everybody just needs a...

needs something to follow. - It's also like you get to a point like Joel Osteen where you've been rich too long that you're like, yeah, you can't be, you gotta like get weeded out at a certain point. If you play in arenas as a televangelist, you're fucking, you're horrible, you're full of shit. - I know, I know, you've made so many, you've lied to so many people that you've bought a fucking dome. You know, like that's gotta be the cap, you're done. - If you're all about God and you're driving better than a Mercedes,

some shit shady going on right if you're all about like fuck material possessions i'm like all right but let me see your home i want to see what your home looks like i want to see you practice what you preach a little bit you know yes exactly exactly i i don't get how anyone could fall for them and then you ever watch those guys like sometimes i'll like yeah i'm flipping through i'll leave it on and it's just horrifying it if i saw that i think i followed one of them at the syracuse funny bone

But they're just like, oh, God, I do all these big act-outs. It's so creepy. Okay, I can never follow an act-out. No, I can't do it. That's Barry Central. So tell me some shit. Like, what's...

you're enjoying in this? Like, is there any shows, any, like, any just life things, any movies? What are you doing, man? Well, I want to try to, because everybody recommends the same things. You know, you got to watch this. You got to see this. You got to see this. So I try to go outside the box. By the way, I'm six episodes into The Crown. Loving it. Really? Yeah.

Me and the lady watch it. We love it. It's a good with the girlfriend show. Cause it's like, it's got the historical historical factor. It's I like shows. You're like, did this fucking really happen and send you to Google too? Yes. Yeah. I mean, how great is the, the slimy brother guy who's like got a ad, what is it? Abduct abdicticated.

Abdicated. Yes. Oh, my God. Fucking Nazi bastard. Yeah. So and apparently, obviously, we just like you said, we Googled. He wrote a lot of those letters. Those are real. Yeah. Crazy scumbag, dude.

-Scumbag! And he's such a slithering, slimy weasel. It's so fun. And just the power dynamics and the optics and all that, it all registers today. -So funny to be like, "Look, what was I gonna do? Burn a bridge with Hitler?" And you're like, "Yes! That's what you do! You kind of burn the Hitler Bridge." -Exactly. But he's Kim Jong-il now. You're like, "I don't know if I want to piss off this flat-headed twink."

But yeah, it's funny. We're all humans. It just keeps repeating. It's just human nature. Speaking of Kim Jong-il, remember Kim Jong-un, Geraldo had a bit where he goes, how short do you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea? Ah, what a fucking line. Fuck. One-liner where you're just like, bam. Damn. And that's a smart foreign policy joke that everybody can get. Totally.

- So the crown is what you're into right now? - No, no, crown. Too many people already like the crown. People know about the crown. So I thought I went a little more obscure.

Salicus, our mutual pal, director of your new special and, you know, photographer friend extraordinaire. He's photographed everyone from Rihanna to Noah Baumbach to anyone you could think of. Just amazing eye. Yeah, he's a beast. He's got everybody. He recommended we share a, I don't know, I don't want to get too candid here, but we share a

He got me hooked up on a fake cable service. Oh, I've heard about this. Not fake, but shady. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love it. It's great. It's janky. It's shady. It's weird. It's under the table, but I love it. It feels like the 90s again where I got, you know, remember when the kids had the box? Yeah. Kazaa. Lime wire. Yeah, yeah. It's all that shit. Remember, like, that's what we'll tell our grandkids. Like, you get to stream porn. We have to download the whole thing before we watch it. You know, that's...

but i used to print porn i had to wait for it to go oh dude i i ran a porn magazine in sixth grade what yeah my friend and i ran uh we called it play amigo his dad had a color printer so we're like why don't we just print out why don't we just print out a nude it's like it was just like baywatch like like donna dierico's naked let's use that one oh yeah and it would just be like play amigo and uh

There'd just be a few pages. And I remember I had a great teacher. He passed away not too long ago. Mr. Jones, old gay man, was such a good guy, such a good teacher. And I remember he found, he busted me with Play Amigo. I was trying to sell it in the bathroom and he caught me. And

And he goes, I'll just tell the principal they were Sears catalogs if anyone asks. Oh, that's great. Great guy. So you would like bind them and print them and sell them? Staple them. Bind is very bare bones here. But I feel like you're losing more money on printer ink. It was his dad's printer. So that was our scheme. That's on you, pups.

Dad's like, I'm just trying to print out my fucking flight itinerary. All the pink is gone from all the gash. He's like, yeah, I was trying to get a flight to Dallas. Why are Yasmin Bleeth's tits in my printer? Yeah, yeah. I know Delta. The Delta guy's like, Jesus. All right, so...

documentary from the 80s early 80s unbelievable never heard of it it's called streetwise wow some guy was a photographer and he was shooting photos for a magazine like newsweek of all these homeless teenagers in seattle and it was so he got to know them it was so like interesting and enthralling that he made it into a documentary and like came back and shot him with you know video cameras and it's so cool it's so good you gotta watch it

I'll put it in the queue, man. Streetwise. Is it on a service or do I have to get hooked up to your legal setup that you guys have? You might have to go illegal, but I bet iTunes would have it if you have any of that or maybe Amazon. Streetwise. But it is, I mean, it's like raw. It's like the movie Kids, but real.

Ooh, okay. Interesting. Real shit. I mean, the girl is a prostitute. She's 14. She's got all these STDs. She keeps having abortions. The one kid's in like a street gang. He's like getting cut up with knives. I mean, it's fucking, these are like white Seattle Pacific Northwest kids. It's fucking fascinating. Damn. It's great. And it's so 80s too. The way they're dressed, the cars, there's no phones, there's no internet, obviously. And it's pretty great.

I love a good doc. You know what's an 80s classic doc that I'd never seen until recently? Have you heard of The Thin Blue Line? I have. It's won all these awards. Everybody raves about that movie. I'm pissed that I can't remember the guy's name who made it. Oh, God, he's super famous. Give it a go. The Thin Blue. It's so good, man. Yeah, that's like a staple. Yeah, Errol Morris. That's it. Yeah, it's so good. I mean, dude, crazy good.

It takes a minute. It takes a minute. Because some older docs, man, like we realize, even with older movies, even if you watch an older movie now and you're like, oh, this is like embarrassing what's been done to my attention span. You try to watch like Taxi Driver now and you're like, oh, he fucking took his time. That's what he's doing. Right, right.

Right. And it's okay. It's like fleshed out and pretty and visual, but we don't give a shit. We just get to it. I'm saying we're the problem. Oh yeah. I agree. I'm not blaming Scorsese. Movies were like an experience. Yes. 70s. You'd go to the theater and you'd be like, Oh, this is what I want to experience this. And now we're like, all right, fucking get to it. Yeah. It's a bummer that that's what it is, but that is what it is now.

And everything is going to be that. And if we want to sell a show, we have to adapt too. So that's just, I mean, even like the intro to like a sitcom, like was three minutes or two minutes back in the day. Now it's just like, bum, bum, we're in, you know, boom. Or you have the option to skip one or the other. Yeah, exactly. When I found myself skipping like the 30 Rock intro, I was like, all right, dude, give it, it's 10 seconds. You can handle this.

Her husband wrote that, by the way. So good, dude. You watch the scenes in that movie, or in that show, and you're just like, oh, every scene musically is insane. It adds to how funny it is. So funny. The joke, it's a joke a second. I was watching it the other day, and there's a black gay guy, and Tina Fey is getting in trouble for not being PC enough.

And she's like, well, you know, you got to ask twofer. And the guy's like, what? Twofer? And she's like, oh, he's a twofer. He's black and gay. That's two for one. And they were like, you're out. I remember that. So good, dude. Yeah, it's like,

It's crazy. You see what was on NBC just like, what, 12 years ago or whatever, and you're like, oh, shit, Times. They're moving the goalposts then. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, I know. And I get hope because I'm like, Tina Fey's clearly a super smart, good, decent human being, and she's making these crazy offensive jokes. So you're like, oh, okay, I'm not evil. Where do you rank that show? Is that in your top five comedies ever for sitcoms or no?

-It's up there. I mean, the problem is, every now and then you'll watch one, you're like, "This whole episode's kind of a dud." -But that's, like, a later season, I think. -That's true. -Early seasons are pretty -- What's your top five? Not in order, just top five straight-up comedies. -I mean, you know I love "Seinfeld." I love -- I think "Frasier" is underrated. -It's great.

Kelsey Grammer is a fucking beast, too. Killer. I saw David Hyde Pierce in the subway like a year ago, and I was like, fuck David Hyde Pierce. It made me happy to see him. Just a little hat looking fucking just like, you know, like he's hiding. That's killer. A lot of people like Cheers and Raymond. I wasn't too into them. Cheers is great. Raymond, like, I like all the actors. But like... Too family. Too much heart.

it's not even a heart it's the other thing of like with like the with a husband is just so pussy whipped that i'm just like this just looks miserable like she's just it just it just felt like she's always mad at him like right right like it's like that movie you ever see that movie the breakup with vince vaughn and uh yeah i'm like yeah this is realistic to a point where like that's why it's like i'm almost not enjoying this it's not like it's like kind of half escapist and half like

Like they nailed what a breakup feels like. And I was like, that's kind of why I'm like, this is tough to watch as a, it was billed as a comedy. I was expecting a comedy. And then you go in and you're like, well, this isn't a bad movie, but it's just like fucking a downer. It's, it's two people's who like clearly love each other's relationship just falling apart. Right. Right. It's pretty heavy. Uh,

What's another good comedy? Obviously you've got South Park and Family Guy. I love Curb. There's so many. Then there's Arrested Development and Parks and Rec is okay. It's too many. What do you think? Simpsons is mine for sure. You know a lot of them. Top three. I think top seasons one through eight are all... I'd even go nine or ten maybe or like

One through eight, though, it's the best thing I've ever seen, probably. Most people won't go that late. Eight? I think they'll go eight. All right. All right. I think eight is a great season. I just – I love Simpsons. I love –

I mean, Larry Sanders is in the... Oh, another great one. Love it. Another great one. 30 Rock kills me for sure. British and American Office, I like a lot both. Oh, yeah. Love both. Love the British one. Yeah. I love Gervais, man. I love... Extras cracks me up too. I just... I think Gervais is awesome. Yeah. He'll... He follows me on Twitter. Oh, shit. Yeah. I don't know how he got my shit or whatever, but he likes stuff every now and then. It means the world to me. That's a biggie though. That's cool. Yeah.

He loves jokes, and we just tweet jokes. I think he digs that. Yeah, man, jokes. I mean, speaking of, anything you're working on? Well, wait, you didn't say your – what are you recommending? Oh, for a show? Okay. Okay, I watched an old movie I'd never seen that I really liked. We're throwing out obscure shit, so why not? I love old noir. Like, my favorite movies are probably – just for, like –

I go like 40s, 50s film noir. I love it. So every once in a while, someone will throw one at me that I haven't seen. And I watched, I think it's one of Kubrick's first movies, if not one of his earliest, is this movie called The Killers. It's a great heist movie. The dialogue is so fucking funny. Really? It's just a killer script. And Sterling Hayden from Dr. Strangelove is one of the leads in it.

It's great. There's a guy who's like pussy whipped out of the gate and he's talking about doing the heist and his wife is cheating on him. She wants nothing to do with him. And he goes, so I saw this woman. She was about 35. He's going a long time with this story. She goes, she was 35 when the story started. How old is she now? Like lines like that. Oh, I love it. I love it. There's also a line where he says to her,

This woman, she's spying on their heist. And he goes, baby, you better tell me what I want to hear. I'm going to smash your face in a hamburger meat. It's just like, this really was the 50s. Holy shit. Wow. Man, I've never heard of this. Oh, it's killer. I mean, Strangelove has got some great lines in it. So fucking funny. I'll check it out. I can't believe I'm embarrassed I've never heard that. He's a Bronx guy.

Who, Kubrick is? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with anyone from New York because I just picture their whole upbringing. Brock's too. Yeah, Kubrick's great, man. Oh, yeah. Strange Love is a great comedy. Yeah, certain parts don't hold up, but then other parts you're like, fuck, this is... I mean, I know people probably trash me for even saying certain parts don't hold up, but like, yeah, I love...

So many. I mean, fucking what's his name? The main guy who's doing multiple roles in that. Again, I'm just- Clouseau? Not Clouseau. What's his fucking name? Jesus. Peter- Sellers. Fuck. Yeah. I'm a step slow tonight. I know these people's names. I've had a couple of drinks, but- Same, same. Yeah, dude, I love him. Tell me a bit you're working on. Killers. I got to remember that. Killers is good. Dude, I love noir. I love like- Yeah. One of my other favorites is, I mean-

I like this one. Have you ever seen Out of the Past with Robert Mitchum? No. That might be my number one film of all. Really? It's perfect. Mitchum just fucking ruled. That was a real manly dude. They also did a remake of Farewell, My Lovely where he plays the lead. Anytime Mitchum, I'm just like, that's a real dude. He's awesome. All right, all right.

Out of the past, it's just classic noir. A guy who tried to walk away from the game and it catches up with him. Young Kirk Douglas is in it. He's great. It's awesome. Alright, see? Killer dialogue. This fucking ripped...

illegal channel I have will have all that. I know. I've been to Salacusa's Place and we've watched it. And he's just like, why don't we see what Pacino movies are on right now? And it's like Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, The Godfather. I'm like, Jesus Christ. You could watch a fucking Jerry Lewis roast from 1954 and then you could watch The Killers.

Well, Killers is a lot of fun. You'll get a kick for sure. I mean, those old noirs are just like... They're just fun. What was the other one you said? The Mitchum? Out of the Past. That's one of my all-timers for a perfect noir. So good. All right. Now, I got some bits here, but...

obviously we can't get up as much and uh i should be writing more so these are so raw i mean i got i got i got only trash so okay great come at me dude maybe we should do a couple just to i might have to redeem myself some are so bad oh dude i got nothing all right all right uh here we go i'll try to do some because i i throw most of them at you so i'll try to do some you haven't seen or heard yet uh

-So, I want to do a bit about how the robe -- and it's perfect because you're wearing one. The robe has so much range, more than any other clothing item, because it can be a Supreme Court judge, a boxer, an asylum victim, a divorced dad getting the paper,

like a pope, you know, the robe, it can go from pope to guy or guy going into an orgy. -I love that. You're either a deadbeat or on the Supreme Court. -Exactly. Exactly. The robe is amazing. And I feel like you could just go so many ways -- like, Hefner wore a robe, but so does Tony Soprano when he's getting the paper. -Yes. -It's got so much range. -Yeah, it's either, like, "I worked my entire life

to to hold a gavel yeah or i'm a bum and i don't feel like getting dressed like there's no you're right there's like no like the pope like that guy it's a different type of robe sure you know because it comes with a fucking hat you can't just wear the robe and not the hat right right even like the grand wizard is kind of wearing a robe that's true so you got the supreme court the most justice guy ever versus the fucking most evil guy ever

Yeah, it's interesting. And it's like, I guess it depends on if it comes with other accessories. Like if it comes with a gavel, Supreme Court, right? Or a judge or whatever. Right. If you're the Pope, it comes with a hat. Yeah. If you're a KKK, it comes with a hood. If you're a deadbeat, it comes with a remote. Hey, that's great. It's like not, or maybe something like that. I don't know. I like that. I like that. That's a good way to go with it. And also-

To me, the judge is the most fun robe guy because you call him your honor. He's like this prestigious guy. We have to, like, kiss his ass. Your honor, yes, sir, no, sir. You will address the court. You know, he's in control, and you have to wear a suit in court. You got to wear a suit, and you got to blow the guy who figured out how to wear a robe and...

you know, he's bigger than you and better than you and you're in the suit and he's in a robe at work. That's interesting. Yeah. Like a guy in a robe, telling a guy in a suit, silence. Yeah. Order in the court. Yes, your honor. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Like, although I guess that would happen with Tony, someone, someone else shows up in a suit. He's there in his robe, like shut the fuck up. You're right. The robe is kind of, maybe the angles that the robe is,

a symbol of power because you're either, you're either in charge or you're, you have so little going on that you've got power. Right, right. Like your, your divorced wife comes over, like you've got, you're in a robe. It's fucking noon. You're not, you're not having a job. And he's like, I know, but I get to wear whatever I want. Cause I'm out of your fucking life. That's why I wear a robe. That's it. Even if you're in a hotel and you're wearing a robe, you're not answering anyone. You're doing service. You're jacking off. Things are going pretty well.

There it is. It's all about the power. The robe is all about power. That's great. Even if you're unemployed, that was your choice. No one's telling you what to do. You're in a robe. Yeah, I don't feel like a lot of guys in robes are actively searching for a job.

No, no, exactly. I don't think anyone in a robe is like, fuck, let me get my resume in order here. No, I think you're all right. Right, right. Like, my dad wore a robe around the house. By the way, no underwear. It was terrifying. But if he was in the robe, he wasn't helping us. Like, I was like, dad, I need to ride to Billy's house. And he's like...

I'm in a robe. And you're like, oh, yeah. Touche. Touche. So it was powerful. I'm in a robe is clean. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, exactly. And if you, oh, how about the flasher? Just woo, you know? That's power. They could clear a whole subway car with that. Although, if you're a flasher, you quickly lose the power. Right. Because your accessory quickly becomes handcuffs. Yeah, exactly. I don't know where to go with that. But the flasher, like,

In the moment. Yeah, I think in the moment, the robe is power. That's gold. Power, baby. It's all about power. Supreme Court, dead be dead. That's something there for sure. I think that's worth... Fuck, it's hard to not get to try bits enough, man. I miss this shit. I know. We're junkies. We're like fucking heroin addicts who are like...

Like, guess I'm clean now and I should feel good, but I just missed the heroin. Well, that's what Zoom is. Zoom is the methadone. It gives you just that little bit of hit that keeps you going. I'm down to do it. People shit on Zoom shows and, like, I don't like them, but I'll take them over, like, a drive-thru show. I'd rather, like, at least see them laugh. I agree. And you don't have to leave. And, man, those drive-thru shows, the honking, the lights, it's not helping me. I mean, if you do really well, you get the wipers.

All right, what do you got? I had this idea. So like on, you know, Sesame Street is always like ahead of their time, kind of. And like they try to teach kids. Like you look at it even like in the 80s, they're like doing shit like, well, this is a drag queen. Like they're very trying to show kids to be respectful of people who are different. Clearly a very progressive stance always. So like they had one recently where they're like, you know,

Can you imagine how difficult it would be to leave your home? And, you know, the other puppet is like, well, I would never want to leave Sesame Street, but it's just about immigrants and how hard it is for them to leave their home. So they're like, we should be nicer to people coming to our country because leaving home is hard, but it's just about immigrants. So I wish they would take on other, you know, issues like like Grover. When does a human life really start? And you're like, well,

-You like that your mommy carried her pregnancy to term, don't you? You like that she didn't throw you into Oscar the Grouch's little garbage can and get rid of you or something like -- -Right, right. Like, how far are we gonna go? How uncomfortable are we gonna make it for these kids trying to be progressive?

-I'd also love if they just, like, went the other way, where they're like, "Sesame Street's a pretty safe neighborhood, isn't it? Like, aren't you glad that, like, violent puppets don't move here?" -Right, right, yeah. -"Ones that weren't born here." I don't know. Something like that. -Well, there's also something with the beginning part. Like, it's hard for some people to leave the house, and it's -- I thought you were gonna talk about depression. -Oh. -Like, I love the idea of a depressed puppet. Like, Big Bird's like, "Oh, I guess we had Snuffleupagus." But that's Dave Chappelle's bit.

But I just love the idea of Big Bird, like,

Yeah, I don't want to be here all the time, you know, but I suck it up and I get it together. I take a shot of brandy and I leave the house. But that's great. It's also, like, it's funny because kids' shows try to explain really complex and nuanced things to kids, and it's kind of admirable, but also it's fucking weird. Yeah. Like, Mr. Rogers would talk about, like, well, I feel sad sometimes. Right. Oh, are you talking... Also, like, it is funny that you're trying to just reach, like, depressed... Like, what kid is, like, super depressed? Yeah.

Like, you either don't know you're depressed yet because you're too young to, like, put that together. It's also fucked up if you don't know when you're watching and you're just like, fuck, I'm depressed. Right, right. Yeah, maybe a kid should know about depression because then he can know he has it. Also, my mom, I used to watch Mr. Rogers. I loved it as a kid. And they had a big episode about death. Like, you know, some kid's mom dies or whatever, so they have an episode about it, which is great and thoughtful and all that for that kid, but

My mom was alive. This show sucks. I don't care about this app. This is doing nothing for me.

Oh, you ever just like rewatching a show and you're like, skip like shit. Like I was just rewatching Sopranos. I'm like, got to skip the rape episode. I don't want to see this shit. Like, like Mr. Rogers, like I wasn't ready. We're not all ready for this shit. Exactly. I know it's a progressive and we're moving forward and it's helpful, but like not everybody's going through it. So what about those kids? Now you're just forcing sadness onto me instead of helping me go through it with therapeutic. Good. You're good.

Oh, shit, I had another. Oh, oh, this could be a funny angle on that, too, with, like, the immigrant thing. Yeah. What if there's the one kid...

whose dad is pumping the kid full of shit. So now the kid's fighting back with, what do you mean? Like if, if like, let's say big bird is like, yeah, you know, if some people want to move here and it's hard for them, we should treat them fairly and respectfully. And the kid's like, yeah, but they're taking our jobs. And my uncle used to work at the mill and then some Mexican guy came in and big birds like, Whoa, Whoa,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" You know? This is not how I thought this was gonna go, you know? Or they're talking about trans, and he's like, "Gender is a construct, Billy. You got to remember that." He's like, "But I thought the future was female." Like, you know, it's just some 5-year-old kid pushing back just genuinely.

Yeah, I also love the idea if they just like, as Big Bird's talking him out of it, some like, some like Spanish Big Bird with a mustache, like it's like, it's like, ah, vamos, it's me. Right. I won't, it's me. Yeah, yeah. I'm out of here. My Spanish sucks. Everything he said, he takes it all back. He's like, fuck this shit. I've been working here for 20 years, you know.

You're going to let this fucking piece of shit come in here? All of a sudden, his voice changes. What is he? He's making less than me, aren't he? Yeah, he's taking a pay cut. That's what it is. Oh, that's funny. What else you got? I got a bunch. How about this? So...

I'll watch UFC or boxing and my girlfriend is like, man, I don't know how you watch this shit. Like, look what these people are doing to each other. It's so evil and like inhumane that the pain and the, the, the, you know, the physical pain they're putting on people. And I'm like, yeah, but you watch 90 day fiance and all this. And I'm like, bachelorette, like that's a different kind of pain. So I'm,

We both came to the conclusion like, well, they signed up. They signed up. They know what they're getting into. But it's funny how, like, men will watch, and I'm doing a men and women here thing, but men will watch physical pain, but women will never watch physical pain, but they'll watch emotional pain. To me, this guy moving to America from Nepal or Tibet or whatever the fuck, and, you know, trying to fuck some fat old white lady, and he's screwing her over. I'm like, this is way, I can,

-This is way more... -It's darker. I love that. -Yeah, way darker. -Way darker. It's also funny how women are like, "You watch 'The Wire'?" It's so upsetting. I'm like, "You watch 'Handmaid's Tale.'" Like, what do you-- -Exactly. -They're both upsetting. We're dealing with different things here. But, yeah, I totally get what you're saying, how, like, emotional manipulation to me is darker

then a knockout punch sucks, but guess what? That guy trained his whole life. He can take a punch. Exactly, and he'll wake up. This woman may never bounce back. Exactly. To me, this is way darker, way more harsh, and she couldn't see that. She was like, well, you know, you live, you learn, whatever. By the way, there's way more crying on these reality shows than there is in the octagon. You live and you learn.

She fucking told her mom about this guy. Yes. Like, she thought this was going to work out. She has a tiny daughter who's, like, six going, is Ricardo my new dad? You know, and Ricardo left with the Beamer. It's rough. 90 Day Fiancé bums me out, man. Oh, crushes me. I get why people love it, but it bums me out.

It's like fucking candy. It's like so easily digestible. But this poor guy is like some dopey dweeby guy is getting rooked by some chick in Russia who's just like scamming him from all his money. He's like, she loves me. She loves me. I'm like, oh.

It's like this Nigerian email scam where a person every episode. And you're like, this is uplifting for you. Right, right. Yeah. And she's like, but look, look at these two. They're wrestling and he's bending his arm back. I'm like that.

arm doesn't have feelings. Like it'll go back in the socket and everything's fine. This is way, way meaner. Yeah. It's like weird. I'm not a huge UFC guy or MMA guy. And I think it's mostly because I just don't know a ton about it. I got, if I remember, I watched a fight with Lewis and Dave once and I got into it because they both know so much about it that I was kind of like, Oh, this is cool. I mean, all I need is someone to like, show me the way. Right. Right. I'm just so into basketball that it consumes me. I'm so obsessed with it.

And I love baseball. I love, you know, a lot of sports, but like,

If I had someone, like, show me UFC, I'd be all in. Yeah, I think because I was the same way. I was like, it's so barbaric. It's so violent. I don't even think that. I just don't know enough about it to appreciate it on the level that most people do, I think. Uh-huh. Yeah, because once you get into it, it's very cool. And, like, the training goes into it. And, like, it's very methodical and calculated. Totally. More so than just storytelling. I respect it a ton. I wish I knew more. And I just don't know what to do. So if, like, if someone was, like, come to my place and watch with me, I'd be, like, 100%.

please just explain certain things to me because I don't want to watch like a moron or be like, okay. Like, it's almost like if you go to the museum and I'm like, all right, well, can I have a guide, some background? I just want to know about the thing. Yeah. And also I become more attached to them as people. Like I like to know about the person watching. Like that's why I love the NBA. I feel like I know about the drama and I know about the athletes and I know like, you know, I know what's at stake. Right. Yeah. So-

I feel like I'm just a person. Like, if I watched with Dave and Lewis again, I'd be into it, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's pretty – and what I love about UFC and boxing is, like, that how the fuck did this guy from Russia and this guy from Ireland and this guy from San Jose get into the same thing, and now they're competing? Like, they all have this crazy backstory and, you know, hardship and struggle. I love that shit. But can I say this? Making a –

macro here. I feel like our YouTube specials

Not only are they funny and all that, but they have a lot of backstory that people can get, they sink their teeth into with like, the networks wouldn't pick them up. These are fucking New York hustler guys who are just trying to make it and no one will buy their shit. So they're putting out on their own. And I think that adds to the appeal of it. Yeah. I got to promote my new one more like that. And the fact that, you know, people wouldn't pick it up. And it's like, we are trying to put our shit into the world and,

Like, like, I think the underdog story people want to, you know, latch on to, I think that that gets them more kind of excited about promoting something or into it.

Definitely. No, no doubt about it. So, and you're right. Like if you're watching like one of those fucking corn ball shows, like the voice or anything, if you like, even if you watch like shops, like there's always one guy who's like, yeah, I got back from Iraq and my restaurant burned down and my wife left me and now I'm all alone. And then there's another guy who's like, yeah, I just like food. And you're like, I'm rooting for the first guy.

Right, right. But sometimes that shit is so... I did Last Comic Standing. You did America's Got Talent. I did Last Comic too. Oh, yeah.

- Oh yeah, they're like, "What's your name?" - I think it was in the year after you, yeah. - Yeah, and I was like, "I got nothing, I'm a piece of shit, I'm a janitor." They're like, "You're a janitor? Oh my God, okay, so you're a poor guy, you're living in a trailer, you beat your wife." I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, I'm just trying to be funny here," but they want the story. - Yeah, well, 'cause when they hear janitor, they think you're a different person. - Yeah, yeah. - That's fine, but they hear that. I remember I did AGT and they were like asking questions about me and they were like, "Oh, you're in a long distance relationship?" I said, "Yeah." They were like, "All right, well, like FaceTime your girlfriend, we'll make it funny." I was like, "I don't wanna fucking-- - No.

So they made me do it one-on-one, and I just was like, you know what I miss, honey? Your vagina. Just trying to make it funny. And they were getting so mad. I'm like, well, at least now I know they won't use it.

Right. Good point. Good point. They hated me on those shows whenever they would do like a confession one-on-one. They're like, do you think he can beat Reggie? I'm like, no, Reggie's a hack. He's going to kill me. The judges, they don't like real comedy. And they're like, what are you doing? This isn't what we want. They want you to be like, I'm going to win this fucking thing. I'm the funniest guy out here, you know? Oh, I remember on AGT, they were like, how bad do you want this? I was like, well, if I win, I have to do a residency in Vegas, right? They're like, yeah. I was like, I fucking hate Vegas.

I'm not going to Vegas. You know, I would just give them whatever they didn't want. I was like, just air my standup. That's all I want. Yes, please, please. Exactly. I don't like giving other people control of my story of my life. Cause they, they, especially a fucking show is cheesy as America's got talent. Like,

I mean, God bless Harry Mandel. He's a sweet as hell guy. But you know, like it is, you're part of a machine. Oh yeah. That is just not that your wellness is not, it's not at all on their thoughts. No. So yeah, that's, that's one that I'm just like, yeah, I I'd like to tell my own story. I hate what I just said to my story. Fuck me.

This is my story. This is my time. But you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to give other people, you know, creative control, so to speak. Of course. What else do you got? Oh, wait, was that your bit? I did a robe. You did... No, I think it's your turn. You did Sesame Street. Yeah. All right, let me try another one. I think, like, with the way things are going, and this could be a nothing bit, but how long until we have racist rehab?

Do we have that yet? I feel like we got a video of David Hasselhoff's shit face, and then he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever. You got a video of this heroin addict, so he goes to drug rehab. We got a video of Mel Gibson saying Jewish slurs and the N-word and all this. How long do we have a racist rehab? I think that's coming. Yeah, where someone's like...

you gotta watch interracial porn with your eyes taped open i will say i'm working on a show with someone we have canceled anonymous for it's an animated show it's different it's a different bit but it's like we have a sponsor so i like i feel like it's hard for me to give notes on this because we have we have a guy where we wrote in sponsors for people that are canceled you know so it's like someone gets like in the script was like you know it's canceled anonymous so michael richards walks in late like oh i'm like a kramer walks in late to the meeting so that was like

Or like, so I, it's like a hard one for me to give notes on. Cause I'm like, fuck, I feel like it's like not my bit, but it's like hard to, to riff on, you know? Let me, let me try another one. That one is, that one's yeah. It's a good premise. All right. I don't want to step on anything or make you reveal. You're not stepping on anything. I'm just, it's just a hard one for me to, to jump in on.

All right. How about this? So, you know, kids like we're adults, we're in our thirties. And so we know a little more shit than kids. So we can go, Hey kid, you know, don't do that. Listen to me. I was there once, blah, blah, blah. And my friend is transitioning into a man. It's a lady transitioning to a man. And I, I get to be like, Hey, Hey, don't do this shit. And you know, she's kind of like, what the hell are you doing? I'm like, Hey, I'm a man. I know more than you about being a man. Like I'm I've lived it.

Is that too much of a stretch? 'Cause we were kids, now we're adults. We were boys, now we're men. -There's something funny about, like, do you think people who transition go to men and be like, "Is this good?" -Right. Advice. -Can I -- That's -- Like, we talk about networking. Do they get any pick-your-brain on being a man? Like, you pick brains on being on a job. -A comic, anything. -Do you pick brains?

on on on brains yeah yeah like this is how i am now i'm about to get this surgery like i'm a man inside but i'm gonna be a man societally you know to the world uh is there any tips you can give me yeah there's something interesting about that about like like i'm changing i'm transitioning can is this the right it's funny also that like

Cause it's tough. Like, are they, they're, they're born. We're also going like to a place where like, are they born into the wrong body? Right. So like, it's like almost like being gay where you're like, all right, you were born that way. Right. That's how I assume it is. Okay. Yeah. I don't know, but I assume you're born. I think so. And probably with trans you're born that way. I would think. Yeah. But how about, you know, Hey, I'm a, I'm a friend. Why not ask me for some tips? You're coming on, I'm on this team.

uh publicly shouldn't you want to know some shit yeah it's kind of like uh i mean shit if if you move to ohio i wouldn't just move to ohio hey mark how's ohio exactly exactly i'm not saying you're you're less of an ohioan you know because you will be living here in ohio but i've been in ohio for 20 years

I identify as an Ohioan. I might've been born in New York, but I think I'm, I think I'm a Toledo type of guy. There you go. So my point is, where's my, where's my friend asking me for advice? Who's more of an expert on being a male than a male?

I wonder if they, and this is me just being like hoping I don't sound like a fucking idiot here, but I wonder if they're like, but I am a man. Right, right. That's when I'm like, I am a man. I'm in a woman's body, but I am a man. Yeah, yeah. But I could be like, you will be treated like this or you will be thought of this way or perceived that way. I don't know. It was one of those ideas that hit me in the shower. I was like, oh, that's interesting. But I don't know if there's actually any meat there. Depends which way they're switching. Yeah, yeah. Hmm.

Yeah, I don't know. Trans bits are hard. Cause I also, I'm like, I always wonder, like, I always wonder, not in like a moment of offense, but it's more like, is this right? Am I, is this, I'm almost like, am I wrong about this? So like, that's my only thing with trans bits. I'm always like, you know, I don't know that. I don't know that many trans people. I know a couple, I don't know that many. So it's not like a black guy or gay guy. I'm like, oh, I can ask this. Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe it's a silly idea. All right, well, what do you got? Let me see what I got. What do we have? Okay, this is an angle I have about how women will get offended sometimes if you assume that a doctor or a lawyer or just someone with a really good job is a man. Oh, yeah. If you're just like, what was her name? You're like, actually, it was a guy.

All right. I mean, actually, I mean, what was his name? Actually, it was a woman, right? That's what I mean. So, but they don't do that with bad shit. It's never like a fucking murderer. And they're like, oh, what was his name? Her name was Francine the Strangler, actually, you know? That's funny. They never do it for the bad shit. Yeah, well, it's like, well, women want the, they want the accolades, but they don't want, like when a woman does something bad, they're just like, that's not all, like it was like all women, it's almost like women stand together, right?

Until the going gets tough. Right, right, right. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah. That might be the whole bit, by the way. That might be fucking done. I don't know if there's any more there. That feels good. I mean, you don't want to step on the Bill Burr bit of like, you know,

feminists are cherry-picking, you know. -Totally, totally. -"We'll take equal pay, but we also want you to buy dinner, but we'll take..." -That's a great bit. -Great bit. Great bit. And I -- -It's almost half hour, I think. That's an OG Burr bit. -OG. And the women are dying in the crowd, which is the ultimate sign of a great bit. But, yeah, that's great. They never -- Serial killer. Yeah, the serial killer. She, you know... -She. -Yeah.

A woman can do anything a man can do. All right, you bunch of rapists. That's funny. They never do it for the bad. It's always like astronaut. You know, my friend's an astronaut. Oh, what's his name? Her name is Sarah, but it's never like, my friend's an ax murderer. What's his name? Her name is, you know. I thought you wanted equality. Yeah, it's something, there's something, it's enough to play with. What else you got? You want to do one more each and then call it a day? Let's do one more. All right, all right.

I heard this mom yelling at her daughter at like a target and she was like, you slept with that boy. It was like some girls like 18 or 17. She's like, you slept with that boy. You're such a slut. How long do you, you've known him two, three days. You slept with him. And she's like, you got to let him take you out, buy you dinner, be a, be a decent human being, blah, blah. And I'm like, it's so weird that fucking a guy you want to fuck.

is more slutty than -- or more whorish than buying -- letting him buy you dinner and making him wait and then buying you more things and taking you out longer. That is what a prostitute does, literally. Like, you're getting paid. -By the way, if you clap me just now, I probably look like a supervillain right now. No, that's killer. I love it. -Oh, you like that? -I love it. It's my favorite one so far. -Oh, great. -I mean, it's a really interesting commentary on --

on sluttiness. - Yeah, 'cause-- - On whorishness. - You're describing a prostitute. Like, hey, you gotta use your vagina to get things. What are you, crazy? You can't give it away? But giving it away is actually the most progressive thing. - Yeah, it's funny to be like, "You fucked him?" It's like, "Did he at least get an eggplant parm out of the whole thing?" - Exactly.

Yeah, it's completely backwards. That's the symbol of a classy lady is getting as much time and money out of your clam as possible. Crazy. I like that you say progressive in the next line. Your clam? Yeah, come on. Your hatchet wound is a moneymaker. No, but it's funny to be like, I fucked this guy. What did you get?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's funny to be like it's a heist. Right, right. It's like when they say, know your worth, and you're like, what? I mean, I wanted to fuck a guy, so I fucked him, but now you're trying to get me to get goods and services out of my vag.

-Yeah, that is really funny. We were like -- Usually sex is, like, between two people that really like each other. It's not like -- You're not like, "I got ripped off!" -Yeah, yeah. -It's not a scam. -Exactly. But she's like, "You got to use it for -- You know, you got to take advantage of that thing and take advantage of him and get stuff out of him." That's what a classy lady does.

It's funny when you say you took advantage of someone, it's like usually it's in a moment of weakness or something like you took advantage of that person. What that means are like on the rebound or something. But in that setting, it's you took advantage means you just got shit. Yeah, right. Right. When a man also when a man takes advantage of a woman, me too. When a woman takes advantage of a man, lobster bisque.

Nice. I mean, I don't know. That's a great line. I always thought it was weird, and this is maybe a separate bit, but like, you know, you take a girl out and she's like, you're buying me a burger? You know, that's it? You think you're going to get anywhere with a burger? I'm like, oh, I didn't know we were, you know, doing a sale here. Like, I didn't know this was a transaction. Isn't that weird? Like a burger and fries? Are you thinking of getting these pants with the burger? I'm like,

I thought I'd get in the pants because you liked me and wanted to hook up with me, but apparently it's all about how much I am. Yeah, I would say, what you got to say after that is like, yeah, I'm taking you to a burger and fries because I'm expecting not to fuck you. That's why, because you're going to be gassed and bloaty. You know, that's why I got you this shit, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm actually a romantic. I'll take you out for chili tomorrow night. I don't give a shit, you know? Yeah, okay. I'm trying to get to know you. I know, I've been here for the long haul here.

All right, all right. I'm hoping I work on this. Maybe that's funny. That's why women want sushi, because you're like, it's light. He's going to... That means sex is still on the table, maybe. I don't know. Right. Oh, yeah, that's true. All right, what do you got? Let's see what I got. I don't have much, man. Man, I wrote some unfunny premises down. Hit me with a premise. I bet we can come up with something. Let's see. These are two... These are, like, just notes. These aren't even premises yet. Let's see what else we got. Um...

Boy, your skin looks great. I get that light set up. Yeah. I don't have a light set up. It's a lamp. I don't have a blemish, not a cut, not a zit, not a scar. Thank you. Well, I try, man. I'm coming off a weekend bender over here. Oh, is this funny at all? I was talking to a guy. Oh, you went hard this weekend? Oh, yeah. I was in Austin, so you got to go after it. Rogan this week. Yeah. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see what happens.

What do I have? Okay, so I have, here's an idea I had. I don't know if there's anything, but my mom was like, she was telling me, she's like, oh, my friend Steve's mother passed away. And I was like, oh my God, that's horrible. And she goes, well, she was 97. I was like, ah, so she lived a long life. She goes, but she was sick for a long time. I was like, just tell me how to feel and I'll feel it. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

I don't know what you want here. It's not like people just take you on these fucking roller coasters of emotion. I'm just like, I just, I can't, I like to feel steady. Yeah. I don't like, I don't like, I don't like to do this shit. It's, you know, another time people do that is like, you ever just talked to someone, they try to like drag you down where I was talking to someone once and she goes,

How are you? Especially in this pandemic, people are fucking miserable and misery likes company. So someone talked to me, she goes, have you been? And I said, oh, I'm doing all right. I'm doing pretty well. And she goes, yeah. And I was like, yeah. Are you trying to, you're trying to talk me out of it? Right. She goes, okay. And I was like, okay, fuck you. Okay. Like you don't accept it. Right. Oh, I hate that. I don't like people that try to, uh,

put you in a mood that are like, this is how you should feel. Yes, exactly. I like control and maybe I'm giving them too much power. My therapist would say. Sure. But Colin Quinn used to have that great joke when somebody goes, how you doing? Good. And you're like, well, you just gave me one option. You know, like you've already, how you doing? Good. Like you just already answered it. So why the fuck are you talking to me? Oh, that's good. Yeah. But yeah,

The dead parent thing or the sick mom, whatever. I was on a flight once and this guy was crying or like sad next to me. And I was like, oh, hey. And he's like, yeah, my mom died. I'm going to her funeral. And I went, oh, I'm sorry. And he goes, did you do it? And I go, no. And he goes, what the hell are you sorry for? I was like.

I don't give a shit about your mom. I was trying to be nice. It's called having human compassion. Yeah. That's what you say. That person thinks they're like roasting you or something like, gotcha. Did you do it? You should have been like, yeah, I killed your fucking whore. I killed your fucking whore mother. That's what I did. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, she choked on my dick.

cut to you getting thrown off a flight your mom's a skank it's just fucking wailing on you yeah i'm like that little asian guy they dragged off um that's interesting just tell me how to feel because uh i'm doing all this for you here buddy like your mom i don't know your mom your mom's sick okay i'm sorry like

I know. I'm thinking about a roller coaster. Yeah. My mom also, I'm sure you're dealing with this too. You talk to your parents, you're just getting a fucking list of people that are either sick or dying. It's tough. And like, look, I...

You try to be like, all right, shit. Yeah. We know, we know him too, obviously not as many, but. Sure. But it's like a newsletter now. You know, my mom's like, Oh, you remember Terry? Remember Ronnie? Remember Joe? And you're like, yes, yes. All right. I just got here. I told my mom, what's the news? It's the obituary section. That's the news. Yeah. That's all your mom is. The obituary, that and the weather. It is the weather. And also like whatever, take your vitamins floss. That's does your mom do that?

No, my dad's more of the health guy. Yeah. Your dad's healthy? Oh, dude. My dad was doing yoga in like the 80s. And I would walk in on him. A little ironic. I'd walk in on him and he's like, and I was like, Daddy's like, get the hell out of here. I was like, Jesus, this yoga is not working. But yeah, my dad's a real. Get the hell out of here. Yeah, my dad's keto. He's all that shit. Oh, he's healthy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like that's a good app, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Did you want to say a pet peeve before we go? I feel like those are pet peeves. Yeah. What do you got? Hit me with one. Well, I had one thing that happened to me today that I fucking hate, and it's pretty specific. But I'm getting on a flight. So, you know, you got to show the guy your boarding pass just to get in the security line. And he looks at it and he goes, you know, you're boarding pretty soon. And I was like, oh, what do you mean? He's like, well, you're going to have to hurry up.

And I'm like, I have a half hour. He's like, hey, you know, you want to push it. That's your call. I'm like, you're wasting more of my time. Like, what do you want me to be upset that I'm boarding soon? Like, I know that. Get out of here. 30 minutes. I'm sure you got pre-check and shit. Pre-check. There's no one at the airport. It's a pandemic. Like, I just hated that guy.

Oh, do you ever just, I mean, I remember the guy fuck with me so hard. I don't know if I ever told you this story, but years ago, maybe eight years ago or so, Gilda's Fest. Remember that fest? Oh, yeah. That was fun. I did it. Yeah. Not fun for me. I, I, so stupid. I am. I booked a gig on cheapo air. It's called, it's called cheapo air. So the connect flight, it's like, by the way, I should have seen this as a red flag.

I have a connect flight, but they're different airlines, which means if you miss it, neither airline is accountable. - Right, right. - So guess what? I missed my connect flight and I had to go to Delta and be like, "Hey man, what do I do?" And the guy's literally laughing in my face. And I just, at a certain point I go, "Fuck you." And he was like, "Why do I go?" I go, "Fuck you."

I go, you're a fucking ass. He's making fun of me. And he gets home panicking. And I go, fuck you. So the woman next to me could see I'm losing my shit. She goes, let me help you. Thank God. I had to buy a $583 ticket to Grand Rapids on the spot. A Connect ticket.

- Oh, brutal. - As this guy's laughing at me, as I walk by, I go, "Fuck you." - It's almost worth it for the fuck you. - It was worth it. I already had the ticket. I was good to go. - But by the way, hilarious that you spent 500 plus dollars on a cheapo air. Like they got that fucking, it's like when you go spirit and then they're like, "Okay, actually with the bags, with the armrest, with the water, with the seat, now it's $700." - Oh dude, it fucking, I lost my mind.

What are you going to do? That's horrible. It's my fault. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I don't know. You missed the connect. That's not on you. That's the flight was delayed, I guess. Yeah. But cheapo is not reliable. It's better than deadbeat air. That's where I got miles with them. Frugal air. I sometimes go with, you're going to regret this air. They're pretty bad. Yeah. Get your life together air. You're a fucking vagrant. Yeah.

You're a fucking hobo, Air. Right. You're worthless. You're nothing. Fuck you. Kill yourself, Air. I'm in first class. I've got a marshmallow roasting over a fucking fire pit. Like, come on. Yeah. 500 bucks. That's brutal. Brutal. It's funny how we... That would bother me for like a year, but that's probably, what, seven years ago? You don't even think about it. It still bothers me. Nah. I don't blame you. I'd be the same way.

this is a hot up man this is fun yeah yeah i like the new segments what what's what's that one more drink one more drink yes that's what we've been doing oh yeah and i will probably get one more after this because