#2626 RHOBH S1401 Part One: Hello, Dali!
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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens. We're a podcast about all the things we just love to talk crap about on your brahs. I'm Rondall. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Guys, we're so excited to be here. It's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Day. I've missed this show. I love this show. I'm so glad it's back on my telly.

Kyle's crying. Dorit's pissed. It's so good. So welcome back, show. And welcome back to the audience who's just here for Beverly Hills. You know, sometimes you just want to listen to Beverly Hills. That's it. So we only see you once a year. So you guys, welcome home. I'm still a bitch. And Ben's still an angel and very handsome. Okay? Hush. Hush. Thanks to people over at Jeff Lewis for having us on Sirius Today. Super fun time. Jeff and Gabe. That was a great time. No, I did not do that on purpose. That was shady. Jeff and Shane.

And we got to hang out with Reza Farahan, which is very fun. We've never done that before. Yeah. And really good time over there. Those guys are so nice to us. So thanks for having us over there. Check it out if you have serious. I'm extra lispy today. I don't know why. I'm accentuated lisp. I don't know where it's coming from, but I'm rolling with it.

No. Yeah. I like it. Um, yeah. Beverly Hills, the premiere. Uh, I didn't start, I didn't watch this episode till late at night. Cause I was, I was cooking food. I'm not going to lie. Not that that's anything that's shameful to say, but I was nothing to lie about. Not going to lie. You look great right now. I was cooking some food, but, um, before I even turned it on, I got two or three separate DMS saying, um,

Wow, Beverly Hills is amazing tonight. And I was like, wow, that's amazing to hear. Because honestly, it's been a long time since I have truly felt like Beverly Hills has been amazing. It is the most popular show right now on Bravo, right? Or the most popular Real Housewives. And it whips us into a frenzy every year. And people watch it. And we have episodes where we're like, oh my God, that was a crazy episode. Wow.

But I feel like Beverly Hills has been a little kind of polite and stayed over the past seven years or so. I mean, it's always been kind of like that, but it's been a little bit more...

I don't know. It still has the stink of the Fox Force 5, whatever it's called. And I feel like my hot take is that the premiere felt like they were leaning into the camp a bit more. I think they took some lessons from Salt Lake City, and they really amped up the ridiculousness of it, and I loved it. What did you think? Yeah, I just really liked it. You know, I don't...

I'm not as statement heavy as like, it's back, it's brilliant. I mean, I don't know. I don't really know. But I loved the first one. I thought it was just so good. And it's just so good to have him back. You know what I mean? And it's also nice to see people moving along in the storylines, which is good. Because sometimes on these shows, it just gets so stale where it's like, okay, she's still with him. And Doreen's still pretending to have money. And this time, everything's kind of fine.

on its head. You know, everything's really different this time. So I think that's fun. The casting is great already. We can tell that the new casting is fantastic. Jennifer Tilly and Boz, Boz, Boz, Boz. Is it Boz or Boz? I can't remember. I think it's Boz. I was calling her Boz. I think they were saying Boz and Kathy said it's

it's Bose and they said, no boss. Oh, I think it's Bose because I, in my mind, cause I'm always going to a pun place. I was like, like Bose headphones. I had that thought. I don't know. Um, but I thought it was boss, but anyway, um, she's hilarious and great and fantastic and extremely strong. Like she has no fear in her. She just came right in and is ready to take over, which I liked. Um, you can,

You can always tell. I thought it was great. Isn't it funny how you can always tell with like a new cast member if they're working? It's just like that snap judgment thing. Like, oh, she's fitting right in right away.

You just know she's going to be with us for a few years. Yeah, you usually know right away. Not always, though. I mean, there are people who kind of snuck up on us. Angie from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City snuck up. I mean, she was always like awkward and funny, but I never thought she'd make it. I mean, she's really tap dancing her way through or just making more and more of an impression. You know, she is.

You never really know who's going to come out of the shadows and do it. But yeah, a lot of time you can just, it's the Riz, baby. It's the Riz. She's got the Riz. Yeah. Some people have to do the Gina and Emily route, which is just show up. And some people just have it, you know? Yeah. Some people got it. So here we are. Season 14, episode one. It's called Grace Time is Over, which means like no more rest, but it also means like

- Stop praying. You're screwed now. - Like, we're done praying. All right, it's back to hardball, people. So the episode begins. Taxi appears on screen.

We see it's two weeks after the reunion and Kyle has flown to Nashville to see Morgan in concert. And then there's headlines saying that she was sitting front and center at Morgan Wade's concert. And then another headline to say, Kyle went to the bathroom at Morgan's concert. And another to say that she got some milk duds at Morgan's concert. We just know everything about her going to that concert at this point.

And can I just tell you, nobody cares. So that's how I know that she is just putting out all these stories. Nobody cares about Kyle and Morgan. No one will convince me that anybody cares enough for all these stories to come out. And we have the OC thing with Heather calling, you know, did Heather call the paps or did she not? Why isn't Kyle getting any?

of it. Kyle's definitely calling the paps. Okay. Because Morgan's not doing it. You know it's not Morgan who's doing it. Morgan's probably like, why are all these people showing up with cameras all the time, Kyle? I mean, what are those? Are there soup cans with little holes in them to take pictures? What are they? They're cameras. They're stealing your image, Morgan. I like that. I like privacy, Kyle. What else did you say in that movie?

i think that's the only thing that bob thornton said i guess she would be like sing blade because she's a singer you look real pretty kyle so um yeah so then we see also headlines like kyle and marie seo are living separate lives under the same roof and while he's looking for a new home by the way i don't know why you know where all the homes are why do you not have a new home yet marie seo

And then literally represent all the homes for sale in LA. Do you even see other signs now? All I see is that fucking red, a sign, you know, the agency, um, the agency,

There's a song playing. How did the song go? It was like... It went just like this. I live my life around. I'm happy now. I figured out I need no seatbelts. I think it said I don't need a seatbelt. It was just dangerous. Especially in Beverly Hills because they have that traffic. That traffic, that moment of like eight streets coming together with no lines. People don't realize this. Go ahead.

No, I, I, people don't realize how crazy the intersections are in Beverly Hills. Like you just sort of casually mentioned it, but there is an eight way intersection in Beverly Hills with no traffic light. It's just a stop signs. It is the most terrifying thing. And I believe they put it in there.

To have poor people crash into each other. To keep poor people. They're like, poor people don't want to go to Beverly Hills because they know they're going to crash their car. Because you always get routed into it. And then everyone just, it's like, every time you get through it, you feel like you've played Squid Game. It is the most wild intersection. It's a real thing. Yeah, it's a real thing. It's terrifying. And just rich people are like, we don't want lines on the street. So we don't have to have them.

- Yeah. - I don't want lines in the street, I love my life. I don't call the paparazzi, I love my life. - That's how the song goes. - I love my life. - I love it. It's just like this nice mellow, I love my life. And then we're watching everybody loving their life. Like Dorit, she's having tea with a little fluffy dog.

that she hasn't given back yet. And she hasn't even had an assistant take it to the pound. So that's good. - That's really good progress. - She has a coffee cup that says something like "loved" or something. And then she kisses the dog on the mouth.

And then she reads Vogue. And then Erica comes on screen and she's doing a photo shoot on the set of like Psycho 3. It's like the Norman Bates Hotel. I don't know. It's like some U-Haul rental in Burbank. And you just see Mikey with the camera going. No, Mikey's working the fog machine. You just hear Mikey going, yes, queen, yes, Erica. I got another Erica, yes. And I did. Because we opened and we immediately started with the Mikey, yes.

Erica is still maintaining her commitment to her artistic aesthetic from the past nine years. The artistic aesthetic that powered her all the way to the top of the 300s of the billboard charts. So I'm just so proud of her. She did half as good as Katy Perry. You know, that's pretty good. She's wearing like some makeshift fanny pack in this. She's got like a kind of a gold jacket.

like belts, like I guess Chanel belt type thing over a leather bracelet.

Listen, she's Erica on a budge and I'm liking it. I'm really liking it. I don't know what the set is supposed to be. It looks like they built a set for this, but it just looks like a bad motel. You could have just gone under a freeway overpass for free. That's okay. You know what? I still remember when Jessie J did her video for Domino and honestly, Erica's looks better than that. So you know what? Like sometimes you have a budget, sometimes you don't. And sometimes you only have half a budget and you just make it work. Whatever, whatever you can.

Yeah, and she's doing it. You know, she's going along. And then we see, yes, Erica, fog machine Erica. And then we see Kyle working out

I can just say I don't ever want to be shot working out. Carl looks pretty good working out. I mean, her body's killer. She's got a new face this season, as usual. Great face. She went back to her original face, which I think is a bold move. I talked about it this morning already. I've never seen anybody go ask the doctor for their original face. Like you spent 10 revisions getting rid of that face. And she's like, no, no, I want it back now. I think it looks great. I think she looks fantastic. So there I'll start on a positive note. You look fantastic, lady.

Yes. And she is working out because that's her personality. And then we go to Garcelle's house where a dog runs up to her and she's telling the dog that she has to go to Atlanta to pack. And the dog is like, I give a fuck. Give me food. And then we go over to Sutton. Well, I would complain, but I've seen how the goldfish lives. So then we see Sutton. She's driving through Bel Air. She waves at Kathy's house. She's like, hi, Kathy. But...

The house that she winds up going to, the music suddenly gets quiet. Very quiet. There's no sound. Just her walking through shrubberies and topiaries. She knocks on a door, and then the door opens, and it is Oscar nominee Jennifer Tilly. What?

Hello, welcome to my home. She's got like a caftan on and she's like lives in this old Spanish house.

like a giant like antique let wheel it's oh i love her i'm so i i also am loving that she showed up now and like a friend of role because last season she was on but i think she was like you guys are not gonna use this on camera right i'm just i'm just here having lunch but this year she's like oh i am gonna be on camera so let me be like at like maximum jennifer tilly for you all

She really is. I mean, she gives us the whole thing and it's so good. And I also like that she's a professional. She has a house of Bel-Air and she's like, if you want me to do your new show, you can pay me properly. In the meantime, I'll just show up and smile and say something you're correct. But then when they give her money, she's like, yeah, I do.

And she has this big belly laugh, which I never realized she had a belly laugh. And she's like, oh, it's so good to see you. Did you notice that? She was like...

And I love her from her performance in Bullets Over Broadway, where her character was the gangster's maul, you know, who he paid to get into the Broadway show. And she's just an idiot, you know? It's like, Sean, Sean, don't you know? Like she would get...

Really deep and guttural and her voice would completely change. And she's actually like that because we hear her like in this, she's like, oh, Sutton, you're such a delicious mother. You know, the only things you do for your children is you're so wonderful, Sutton, the way you are. And then two minutes later, she's like, I have a beer and a spout. She changes her voice and inflections. I'm already in love with her.

I know. I'm also surprised she's in Bel-Air. I would never have expected Jennifer Tilly to be a Bel-Air type. I would have thought she'd be in the hills of, like, Los Feliz or something. So it's funny that she's kind of this, like, actress in Bel-Air who, like, over the past 10 or 15 years has really kind of, like,

been doing like the child's play like bride of chucky thing which is also hilarious and that's like the chapter that she's in so i just i just love everything about her i've loved her since 1994 with bullets over broadway like and i highly recommend that movie i know it's woody allen whatever it's such a good movie and just to see her in it and diane weist it is and and tracy olman it's like just it's just like the it's like a perfect movie everyone please watch it

Yeah, that's a good one. Sutton's like, oh, Jennifer, it's just so over the top. I mean, I could have seen her five minutes ago, but she'll see me again, and she's going to be like, Sutton! Sutton! Sutton!

So then the other thing I love about Jennifer Tilly is that when she's like talking more calmly, she has kind of like this funny clipped voice. And I don't know if I can even do it, but she's like, you'd be so happy. I bought all kinds of snacks at the Bel Air hotel. Have you had your favorite grapefruit juice? So come on in. I'll give you your favorite.

She does that accent from the 50s, that housewife accent from the 50s. And she's like, I'm so happy I got all kinds of snacks at the Balear Hotel for you, sir. I have your favorite grapefruit juice. Come on in. Do you want some grapefruit juice and vodka? That's some really ancient vodka from nine years ago. But vodka never goes old, does it? It's like wine. It gets better when it's older, right? Yeah.

So she's like, Sutton's telling us she's one of my best friends and we see them getting some drinks and Sutton's just like, keep pouring, keep pouring, keep pouring. And she tells us we are lunch buddies. We're travel buddies. We just pick up the phone and talk kind of buddies. And all of a sudden we're just laughing. I just love her. And so we see pictures of them at runway shows in Paris and the neon pink and, you know, black dresses with boas.

Yes. And so they're just like talking. Jennifer's like, oh, I love your ring. He's got a mouth of pearl. He's got a pearl in his mouth, but then you have pearls on your bracelet. So it's almost like he ate the pearl. I'm like, what's wrong?

It's not the narrative I would have. I've just been like, it's just two pearl items. But I love that she created a story that the ring ate the pearl and then shat it out on the bracelet. And she does it like it's this big scandal. Like, it's almost as if the ring ate the pearl. Bad ring. Bad, bad ring. Right, Sutton? And then Sutton's like, well, this here is from the Panthier collection. She goes, oh, did you mean Panther? Sutton's like,

Excuse me, I speak French. Okay, I was trying to make it sound fancy. Je parle français. Oh, is it said to have cool girls summer, right, Sutton? Yes, cool girls summer. I don't understand that, but sure, I'll just say yes. Because Porter graduated from college. And then, you know, the other one's going to law school. And I love that. And then Porter's going to be home for the summer, right, Sutton? Right.

Yes, I found her a gig fixing vending machines at the local pool, so she's going to work on that. You really raised them right. They're like, I don't think your kids are going to be spouting it up or stealing cars or sneaking out past midnight. Your kids are like kids from the 50s, Sutton.

Yes. So I was thinking I had a really nice time in Spain last year and I was thinking about Merce Cunningham and how I took the ashes, rolled a clip of Erica. Merce! Lillian! Lucas! Okay, we're back.

So I just thought it'd be kind of cool because everybody knows about Salvador Dali, at least the non-idiots do. And Dali was one of the central figures in the moment of surrealism. So let me bring all these ladies back to Spain on that trip. And let's just make them look like idiots on camera for the ones who know who Dali is and the ones who don't.

I thought that'd be fun, right? With splendid ideas. With splendid ideas, I think. You just don't see many people having dolly parties these days. I just want to say that dolly parties on Bravo, that innovation began on the Real Girlfriends of Paris. Real Girlfriends in Paris with Anya Firestone, who did the lobster in her hair in her whole dolly party. So let's just not forget that wonderful

wonderful oh my god credit where credit is another great show that people really did not get on board with but if you go back and watch it it's fabulous it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

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most people know who delhi is and then there's kyle and then we see a flashback of seth and kyle about the party and kyle being like um oh i i thought you meant like i was picturing d-o-l-l-y not dolly i mean you say dolly this is why you don't let your children become actors okay because at some point in their life they're gonna wind up on camera

Proudly ignorant of who Salvador Dali is. So back to Sutton. And Sutton's like, well, Kyle's been going through a lot. And I got to tell you, honestly, maybe I wasn't the greatest friend. Maybe I wasn't the greatest friend the past year. And then we see flashback to Kyle at her weed dinner. And Sutton being like, is Sutton going on with your personal life that you'd like to share? Kyle! I hate when Sutton does this.

when she does the right thing by us, the audience, and then feels guilty about it and then tries to become friends with Kyle again. No sudden. You were the best friend to Kyle. You were the friend to Kyle that Kyle was to you. And you should not feel bad about that. You did all the right things. She was a better friend to Kyle than Kyle was to her. And by the way, for anyone new to this, yes, I'm kind of anti-Kyle. I'm going to try and be a little more even keeled and start on a fresh thing, a fresh foot or whatever. But it is, we're talking about the last season. And yeah, Kyle does do that.

with Sutton. She's bad. Yeah. And she's going to trick her. Watch what she's going to do. She's, this is what Kyle always does. She tricks Sutton and is like, we're friends. And then she comes on the show. She's like, we're not friends.

And then she rips her the entire season. So that's why. Sutton's going to be a hot commodity this season because I guarantee Dorit and Kyle are going to be battling to have her as their ally. Because it's a war. This season's a war between the two of them and they have to start. They've got to find out who the soldiers are for Kyle and who the soldiers are for Dorit. It's a real game of crones. My favorite game to be played. Truly.

Truly, truly. So anyway, Sutton's like, she's feeling guilty and she's like, you know, she's like, well, I did go out to dinner with Kyle and at first we're like, how are we supposed to do this? And I was like, Kyle, you put the food on the fork. God, you really have been out of the game for a long time. You know, I just thought Kyle's not being very nice to me. So,

I did something that I know is a magic trick and it's really not fair for me to do, but I ordered a Parmesan cheese wheel. Not the Parmesan cheese wheel, Sutton. I did. She couldn't concentrate on anything else. She started that couple of times. I just said, you love Sutton. You love Sutton. And she just said, I love Sutton. Started licking the Parmesan. I let her take a little piece of it home.

you ever see that movie roger rabbit remember he's in the back room and he can't resist when the play shuffle on the haircut shave and haircut that's kyle with a parmesan wheel i've never seen somebody so mesmerized as kyle was by that parmesan cheese feel i'll never forget that when she was on a date with maury and they brought the pasta and we're serving it out and she did not want to eat it because it was pasta you know and that's like a sin in bethlehem but she just couldn't stop staring at it

that's when the marriage was over let's be honest we knew that that's when she's like if my husband's gonna do this to me on tv i'm going to the other side he can yeah he can talk a big game but you want to talk about someone being unsupportive this is it the parmesan cheese wheel yeah she's real great moment so um basically son's like yeah at first it was awkward for the first 10 minutes but then it things softened and she's like

Like, she's like, you know, I needed to reach out to Kyle because well, one, I missed her, which I'm obligated to say on camera, even though I really didn't miss her at all. And then I started to see things when I was online shopping that I knew she'd be jealous of me buying. I mean, sorry, that I knew I should buy for her. And so I just miss sending it to her. Like that, that was my favorite thing was to send her a little gift to remind her that I'm just more wealthy than she is. I don't have that anymore in my life. I want that back.

And Jennifer at this point has wasted all of her fun energy. She's just like, oh, that's great. She's like done now. She's like, I'm just a friend of mine. She's like a birthday sparkler. She is. She's a sparkler with a glass. She's like on her last little bit of

So then we get to the Pacific Design Center, which is such a bizarre place to shoot a house scene. I know. How did they get everybody even loaded into this place? It's vast. It is vast. It's vast and empty at all times. But they decided for whatever reason, this is where we're going to anchor this scene. So Erica pulls up in her car and everything. And she goes to a place called Mogul, which is hilarious. And she's like,

And this lady's like, welcome to Mogul. She's like, I'm Erica and I'm Maria. Thank you so much for having me. Stop pretending like you care about the lady from Mogul. So,

Erica is redecorating because she's going to purge some old memories in the form of sofas and chairs. Yeah, she's like, now that I'm done with Tom and Tom's going to wherever he's going, it's time to end it. It's time to end the chapter. So I need to spend money on new couches. Yeah.

Yes. Well, listen, I get it. Shopping changes you. You know, that's why I'm at HomeGoods every day. Just changing. That's why I'm different every day when I come. I'm just fresher every day, you guys. HomeGoods. Even if it's just a little Jelly Belly that you buy on your way out. Just a little Jelly Belly. So Dorit walks in.

freshly separated from her jelly belly. And she's like, oh, hello. Look, look at you. Oh my God. How, how, how are you? It's so good to see you, honey. She's like, how have you been baby? So much to catch up on. If you have any sort of discussion about furniture that you'd like to get out of the way, I'm going to drop some bombs right afterwards. So do you want to have your moment talking about your divans and love seats, et cetera?

Well, you know how it is, my house is just a tiny vacuum and then I dust it and I sing country songs to myself. And then before you know it, it's done. I've got my kitchen, I've got my bedroom. And then your closet, it's hilarious really. Your poor, poor, literally poor, ear cup. And then we see some sad Erica stuff, you know, like flashback to 2015.

And Erica sets it up with this curious wording. She goes, you know, I spent 20 plus years in what some people will refer to as a mansion. Who are the ones who are not referring to it as a mansion? I feel like she's trying to shame someone, but I don't know who it is.

I think she's trying to show that she's more real now. Like, she's, like, more of a real person. Which she probably is. Like, she's had to live in the real world for a few years. And now she's like, maybe it's problematic when I say I live in a mansion. Yeah. So she's like, some people would call it a mansion. I never would, because I'm not a bragging kind of a girl. Yeah. I just call it home. So we see, like, yeah, 2015 sad footage. But now she's in her...

hobble of a home that couldn't cost more than $3 million. Just a little outhouse, basically. And... Yeah, I think this one was a $2 million home in West Hollywood. And everyone's like, oh my god, poor Erica. Oh...

the two million dollar home just shoot me in the face like can't take it anymore i love when they showed her walking in there for the first time and mike is like we can work with this we can work with this look there's floors there's a counter and erica's just like god damn it tom isn't it a three bedroom you better hope that an illness gets you because i'm right behind yeah it's

isn't it a three bedroom because she uses like it's a three bedroom yeah she uses two closets right it's just a tiny little shack with a spare spare bedrooms that could be used as closet that's it and so um she's like well we're doing the living room it's a real step in the right direction so i brought you here today as my style friend to sort of look around and see what the possibilities are the range like oh i'm so for it i'm so privileged to be here next to such a

Poor, poor person. Would you like to talk about this in Land Rover? Gee. So they're looking around. Erica can't sit down on anything because she has makeup on. She doesn't want to ruin anything in the showroom, which does show that she really is not super wealthy anymore because a rich person doesn't give a fuck about that. They're like, whatever. I was going to say, this shows that she's really trying her good person thing on this year because she's like, look, I care about

couches in the design center which is so weird uh but yeah you're right she's like yeah i'm not gonna i'm not gonna get my on there and so dorit's like i've got news girl so she tries to sit she finds somewhere that they can wipe down with the paper towel later

And she's like, all right, listen, I won't ruin anything. I promise it's probably your life if you really are a mogul. Well, all right, then we go ahead. Well, I've got good news or bad news. And she's like, you've got bad news. Oh no. All right. We'll start with the bad news. No, I would like to start with the good news, which is I can have Pringles in the house again. I'm so happy. Bad news. Well,

Well, here's some good news. It seems that I've checked the scorecard and diabetes is winning. Good news is the Ben and Jerry's I bought last night are still there. Bad news. I'll tell you who won't be getting any tanning juice anywhere. So the bad news that you absolutely have not heard of before this scene. PK and I have agreed...

Naraka's like, What? How? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Erica, why are you leaning back on that bench and spreading your legs open? It's a move. When I'm nervous, I do dance moves. My pussy is a pipe or a tick-tick and like a time bomb. How many fucks do I give? Actually, quite a bit, Dorit. I'm very serious. I'm very serious right now. Very serious right now, babe. Very serious. I give a lot of fucks right now.

And so Erica's, you know, doing the drama thing. And she's like, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. Wait for it. Wait for it. Why are you waiting for it? It ain't coming. Just move it along. Just pretend to cry. Cameras, move over there. Hey, mobile lady, come on over here. Okay, can you cry? She's crying for me. She understands empathy.

Don't cry for me, I can see it all. So Dorit's like, it's ironic I'm confiding in Erica after what she said in Provokin. So we see a flashback to BravoCon 2022. And Erica's there in her full...

her full evil villain moment with her baby Jane hair and her streaked makeup and her just like a terrible attitude. And Andy's asking like, what Bravo Liberty relationship do you think is headed to Splitsville? And she said, I think it's the reading pancake.

Gee, you know, I don't think she saw something that I didn't see. I think she knew that there was trouble in paradise as much as living in Encino was paradise. And she had a shady question and she answered with a shady question. Yeah. And so, Dorit's like, well, it's sad.

And it's hard. And it's also no secret that we had a really rough couple of years, dear car. We've had a couple of years. And then before you know, with most married couples, you have your issues. You have your issues, don't you? And so we see some of their issues where Dorit is at her pretty woman party where somehow Berlin was there. And she's saying about...

And she was like, PK, you know, I take a long time because you just seem to think that all of this, all of this luck just happens. Yeah. And he's like, all right, babe, to be honest, I think maybe I'm not going to bother with surprises anymore for you. So next time I'm just going to be like, Berlin is here and you'll just have to deal with it.

So, then we see there are therapy where he calls some of her PTSD obnoxious. And so Dorit's saying like, he tells Erica, like, you know what I mean? And, you know, like the, we deal with things differently. And, you know, PK, he was pouring alcohol on his, lots and lots of alcohol. Alcohol were his new Pringles. And so he just became a full-blown alcoholic. You ever see Leaving Las Vegas? It should be called Leaving Encino because that was PK every time he left home.

I just can't have that toxic energy around small children. He's just drunk, drunk, drunk. One time I caught him eating cereal in a Snickers bar in a bowl of vodka.

PK has always been a big drinker. Literally any sort of meal he'll put in the blender to mix it along up with some tequila. And over the years, it's just gotten progressively worse. And little fights turn into blow-ups. Blow-ups turn into tequila. Tequila turns into gin. Gin turns into beer. It's just non-stop drinky, drinky, drinky, drinky, drinky with PK.

And she says, and finally I told him, you need to dry out for a week. And then a week turned into a journey. And I love that Dorit's like, oh my God. And then he did stop drinking. It's been a nightmare ever since. Yes. So, but then we see flashbacks to the reunion that was four months before this. And Andy's like, so after the season headlines erupted, erupted that you two were on the brink of divorce, you're living separate lives. Tell me how you're doing. Yeah.

Better than ever, Andy. How many housewives are going to have to have these moments? Shannon Bedore, Kyle, all these housewives going on to the reunion saying that things have never been better and three months later, the divorce. This is just

at a certain point take care of this stuff before the reunion so you don't have to be mortified with these clips every single season oh you gotta fake it you know and then one is you can only really say it's not working right when you decide to break up the rest of the time you're you gotta try and make it work you know i mean it's just so funny watching people finally give their real opinion on their spouse all these years later which is exactly what she's doing she's just gonna come here and air out everything which i fucking love

But it's so funny. It's like, you know, and then he stopped drinking. Now it looks healthier, I guess. I mean, he looks like a dehydrated powder instead of just powder. Deflated powder.

pasty ass PK so what happened what happened in the four months since we were all together well it's not one thing no catastrophic events just no one cheated on anyone no one raided the marshmallows it's just a week ago there was a moment it was over nothing and one thing led to another I was like where's my Yoplait and he said what Yoplait and I said the one I just bought yesterday he said I don't know about the Yoplait and he was gaslighting me and we just sat down and I said you know what

If we can't have honesty about a yoke play, we just can't have a marriage. So we mutually decided it's time to take some space and separate. It's the best thing for us. So, temporary, you're taking it day by day. Well, I'll tell you who's taking it day by day. Piquet! He's an alcoholic! What did he do about it? He's an alcoholic who's also into Godspell. Day by day it is. Over and over again with that one. You're singing Christian musical theatre numbers while you're drunk, Piquet! It doesn't work like that!

Just one big alcoholic. So Erica's like, well, don't take any advice from me because I just did about everything wrong after announcing half of a divorce. Roll the clips, everyone. And then we see her fighting with Sutton and her saying, you got a lot of fucking nerve, lady. Sutton be like, don't talk to me like that. Or what? Or what?

So then Erica's basically saying, yeah, like, Dorit's going to go through all the same things that we went through, which is like, for a moment, it's like, ah, relief. And then it becomes a nightmare. Yeah. And Dorit's like, you're the first person I've seen. And Erica does a big one. Ah, well, I got to tell you the truth. I'm going to go see Kyle after this.

What do you want me to sell? Do you want me to tell her? Let's talk turkey. I'm not going to betray your trust, Dorit. And she's like, I'd rather you didn't tell Coyote. Don't tell Coyote.

I want her to find out through Radar Online, so she can understand the true pain of being her friend. So, um, Dorit is like, "Kyla's the one person in this group that I've shared the most about my issues with PK. So it brings me great joy that I get to withhold from her at this moment. Revenge is so sweet."

So she's like, thank you so much for the support, Erica. And she's like, of course, of course, because it's going to get ugly. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And then we go to Kyle's house and Kyle is like, independent of the women, throw your hands up at me. Well, it's the Morgan Wade version. So it's like, oh, why do you hold your hands up at me? Oh,

All the river trout that are in the river, throw your fins up at me. So all the duckies from dynasties, throw your whistles at me. So, yeah, she's like, I'm an independent woman now. Me and my daughter are carrying a chair in ourself.

Yeah, they're trying to move a chair outside, but they have like a there's like a double door and one of the doors is like kind of locked or closed and they can't figure out how to open the door. So then they just give up. They don't, you know, it was kind of a sad moment. It was actually incredibly sad. These two people who've lived in this house for several years now and they don't know how to open the actual literal door. They don't know how to open the door.

So like, oh, well, I guess we're just stuck with this chair being inside. I was like, you know, now that things have really changed so much for me, I just want my daughter to know that she can do things by herself. But why should she? Put the chair down. Let's not do that anymore. We'll hire somebody.

She's like, "You know, Mo was living in this house with all women and whenever something needed to be done, he was the only guy. And guys are the only people who can do things. We're just women. I don't know how to turn on the TV properly." And we see her trying to turn on the TV. "I don't know how to get the music on, the pool heater, the pool light, turn on the lights, open drawers. What do you do? How do you even leave this place? How do the doors work? I'm just a woman."

Yeah. I mean, it's basically, you know, yeah, that's, that's exactly what it is. So she's like, all right, so what do you want for dinner? And do you want a poke bowl? Can you ask Sophia if that's okay with her? Ask Sophia. Cause I can't do it. There's not a man here. I don't know how to work this intercom. So mom, that's a diet Coke. Damn it. Portia. Okay. Write down what you want for dinner. We're going to scroll it out on this bed sheet and hanging out the window. And hopefully someone driving by, we'll be able to order it for us. Yeah.

So Kyle gets teary and she's like, "Sometimes when Sophia's out and it's just Portia and me, it gets really quiet." She kind of cries. And then she's like, "I realize it's gonna be like this a lot. I just, I never expected that this is what my life is gonna be." And she cries and she taps her eyes and she's like, "Oh, please."

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Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or DSW.com. So then Erica comes over and she goes, that's my girl. Look at you. God, it was so fun trying to watch you figure out how to use that doorknob for 10 minutes. You shouldn't really look into it, though.

It's pretty basic. Thanks so much for leaving that chair outside. You actually saved me a trip back to the Pacific Design Center, you dumb bitch. Guess who's learned to carry things? Mikey, get that chair. All right.

So they're just sitting down and Erica's like, well, I was just at the Pacific Design Center and I met Mr. Reed there. And I was like, oh, it's a shame that we've gone this long with the Reed in me just because I just didn't have it in me to deal with it because I've had so many things on my plate, metaphorically, which is what I was kind of trying to say to her in that text that she read out loud where she destroyed my trust.

And yeah, Kyle's of course gonna be the huge victim of this because Dorit was nice to Kathy one time. So Kyle's like scorched earth. I was never even friends with Dorit.

And so we see that with Kyle being like, I wasn't even friends with Dorit. I mean, Dorit, be honest, Dorit, how many times have we had lunch without filming? Like, how many times, Dorit? Dorit's like, well, you and I over the last seven years, I mean, we don't eat lunch. That's not a fair question, Kyle. Now, how many times have we sat there and drank vodka while other people consumed food around us? Many, Kyle. That's not what I said. I said lunch, Dorit.

And so Kyle said, how many times? You can count them on one hand. We don't even have that kind of friendship. You know, and that is what Kyle is in a nutshell. She will pretend to be nice to you, and then she will use you to take down whoever she wants to take down. And once you're done doing that, in this case, it was Vanderpump. And then she was nice to her for another couple of years after that. And then she was out. This was out. And then she's like, she never knew you before. It's like slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.

This was such a shitty moment for Kyle. I forgot about this, how she really acted like she and Dorit were just kind of like passing acquaintances who worked together. And I felt like it was so rude. And you could see the betrayal on Dorit's face. And Dorit was so hurt by this. And then Kyle knows she's in the wrong, which is why she's trying to lean into this story of what a betrayal of trust it was for Dorit to read Kyle.

Her texts on TV. And it's like, oh, please, please. It is so much worse for you to gaslight Dorit and the audience into thinking you guys only had lunch like one time over seven years. It is really so fucked up. And I think it's so, so mean. And I'm just 100% team Dorit on this.

Yeah, and basically the text was because Kyle had been blowing Dorit off for like months, but then right before the reunion, of course, she sends this nice long text saying,

saying, I don't want to lose someone else in my life over a TV show. They don't even know we're going through a hard time, so I don't see the need to bring it up there. Basically being like right before the reunion, being like, I know I've been a total asshole to you, Dory, but let's not, don't attack me at the reunion because there's still a chance. Maybe you'll get to have lunch with me again one day. If you're lucky, I'm that lady from Amazon Live.

Also, like, how do you send a text saying, I don't want to lose another friendship to this sort of stuff. But then you go onto the couch and you say, Oh, we're barely friends. Like, how do you have both? How do you have it both ways like that? You don't. Yeah. Well, in her mind, it was all revenge against this horrible stuff that Dorit did, which was nothing.

So then Carl is, Carl's like, yeah. And then after she read my text, like I was so shocked. I mean, she tried to publicly embarrass me. I don't know what kind of friend does that to somebody else, but not one of my other friends would ever, ever do something like that. We all know you never publicly embarrass your friends. You only do that to your sisters. I just can't believe she would do that to me.

me. So, yeah, Kyle is... She's doing this whole public embarrassing thing. Kyle is like...

I can't, you know, I'm just going to say multiple things, you know, but by the way, just, this just popped in my head, the whole Lucy, Lucy apple juice thing, it turned into a total clusterfuck as the season went on, but let's all remember how that began. That began with Kyle and Teddy showing up to Vanderpump dogs and trying to make it a storyline. Cause they were mad that Lisa wouldn't throw Dorit under the bus. So Kyle was there that whole time trying to make Dorit look stupid. That was her whole point. That whole time was trying to make Dorit look like a dog, you know, dog killer. Yeah.

And she got mad that Vanderpump wouldn't do it. So that's how that all started. So for Kyle to sit up here and just be like, I would never try to embarrass one of my friends. That is horrible. When she was literally trying to call Dorit a dog killer like three years ago. It's like, come on, Kyle. But they... Well, if I remember correctly...

They claim that Vanderpump had called them over to throw Dorit under the bus. And then they decided they didn't want to do that because they felt like Vanderpump was too... No, they were there saying, we need to talk about the stuff that happened with Dorit. And Vanderpump was like, no, no, no, no. I don't want to talk about this. And they said, yeah, you talk about it. And then Vanderpump started crying and said, my brother just died. I don't want to talk about this. And Carl said, we're all going through something, Lisa. Yeah.

and tried to make her talk about it on camera and they wouldn't do it and she wouldn't do it. And then they later turned it into

She tried to manipulate us to bring it up and then she wouldn't talk about it. But anyway, whatever it was, because bringing up Lucy, Lucy, first of all, it's one of the worst storylines of all time. And second of all, it's just going to enrage people for no reason. But also like Kyle talking, but Kyle talking, regardless of even that scene, Kyle talking about how terrible it is that Dorit tried to publicly embarrass her when Kyle was very active in both trying to get Lisa Vanderpump to like admit that she was

like like leaked this news because by the way if lisa if lisa did if lisa did leak these headlines to radar online and you were one of lisa's best friends you trying to goad her into admitting that she did this shady thing on camera that's called publicly embarrassing your friend because if it's your friend you maybe tell them offline like you got to fix this but this is kyle

publicly embarrassing your friend. It's also then the next season, literally everything with Brandy and Denise Richards, that is the peak definition of trying to embarrass a friend like gay panic. Oh my God, you had a lesbian moment with Brandy Glanville. I mean, there's no other definition of, of like trying to publicly embarrass someone. So that's just my way of saying Kyle is very wrong in this, in this situation. And she's going to try it. She's going to try it, but she's going to fail. Yeah. Well,

So now we see Dorit and Erica flashback to them talking. And Dorit's saying, there's something been going on with Coyle. And it's been going on for a year and a half. A year and a half. And Erica's like, do you think she's punishing you because you didn't take out for her the Cathy situation? And she's like, she isolated me. She completely isolated. Alone on the land.

Just me! Under it, Eiland! My issues with Kyle is that our friendship feels very unbalanced. If I put one foot wrong, she won't speak to me for months, but she can say I do whatever she wants, and I have to be okay with it. And I'm no longer dealing with unbalanced people. Have you ever seen PK try to put on a shoe? He falls over every time!

The worst is when he gets into some underwear and tries to do risky business in the living room. I mean, the amount of Ming visas we've had to replace, it's absolutely unthinkable. It's literally risky.

We have a cutout in the wall the shape of PK because he slid right on through out into the driveway. So, yeah. So then Dorit's like, what she did was punish me. And when she went public and said that I exaggerated our friendship, America goes, oh, the Amazon blab.

like of all places and then we see kyle doing amazon live and we see in the top left corner celebrate my birthday it's me on amazon live and she's like yeah we've only gone on like one trip together it's a couple and like that i can recall and mo and pk like treat me you know i mean it was just like it was just like to put it bluntly it was like an exaggeration completely like who is she like what's her even is her name dorothy is that why she's a scaldory like who is this person

I mean, anyone that knows us will say, "Wow, gee, you guys seem like good friends." Well, you were definitely closer than I was to either one of you, and your families were closer, and your husbands are friends.

you've made me re-evaluate not only who you are, Coyle, but what kind of friendship that we even had in the first place. So then we go back to Kyle and Erica. Yeah, none. Kyle punishes, but that's what all the sisters do. I guarantee that is what

it's like something that went on they were raised in this pitted against each other and they just punish each other that's why people that's why you have storylines of one not getting invited to a wedding and one not talking to another it's why the three sisters never seem to be talking to each other all at once because someone is always being punished constant punishment dun dun dun

So then we see a flashback to BravoCon. Because Kyle's saying, Kyle's talking to Erica now. We're back to Kyle and Erica. And Kyle's like, well, what I did was only in response to the way that I was treated. I started the reunion with Kathy. Here's what really sealed the deal for me. It was BravoCon. Sorry. Dereeth pronunciation. So we go to BravoCon 2022.

and this is kind of i'm sorry she's just so full of here it comes the smoking gun my god smoking gun flaming so it's kyle and dory and abby ask some questions and abby says rank the richard sisters from your favorite to your least favorite and then dory starts to take a shot car goes hello and then she grabs her wrist making dory spill her drink and dory says well kathy's

definitely Kyle's definitely last right she goes Kyle's definitely last now because she spilled on me it's like a clear joke she's like oh well Kyle's last because she got everything was spilled and she's like and Kathy is first so and then Kyle's laughing

And now Kyle is using this as like, this is what, quote unquote, sealed the deal. The deal that was initially written was just only because Dorit at the reunion was like, Kyle, I think what she's trying to say is that's basically all she said. And Kyle's like, no, Dorit, stay out of it. You are going to throw out our friendship because these two tiny incidences that are so dumb are...

It's infuriating. Wow. God, doesn't it feel nice to start like hitting on Kyle again? Weren't you going to be nice to her this season?

I am being your worst. I know I'm really, I'm really, I'm not, I'm not really either, but it's hard because it's not really nice or mean. It's just, she's sitting here fucking lying. Like she always does. She pulls this shit on people. And then she comes on here and starts crying and throwing a victim act. And now she's going to use an LGBT thing in a minute to guilt everybody into not being mean to her. You can't do that, Kyle. It does not work like that. Okay. I rebuke you.

So then we cut back to Dorit confiding in Erica and she's like, "I'm pissed, fuck off." And then we come back to Kyle again and Erica's like, "Well, you do have a sincere friendship, right? She's just mad. You guys have gotta talk." And then Dorit's like, "Kyle, I knew she's not someone I even recognize. I'm not talking about your new nose holes." - So then we go back to Kyle and she's like, "I do feel like she's changed.

Kyle and Dorita have a lot to work out, and it's a long time coming. And Kyle's like, if she starts talking, and she talks and talks and talks, and she doesn't want to listen, and that's when I lose it.

Literally, neither of you guys listen to each other. We've watched. It's hilarious. So then Erica and Dorit. Erica's like, well, there's a lot of miscommunication. I love this. Just me giving advice to people that I don't really give a shit about. This is the sweet spot of this show. And Dorit's like, there's more manipulation there than there is miscommunication. And I think she's more of a master manipulator than I even realized. Do, do, do, do, do.

I'm making that music. Give me the proper tense music. I want to make sure it gets in there. If you got that, print it and roll it. Can we borrow your fog machine, Erica? So... Yes! Mike, you stay in the car.

Michael, we're not going to do choreography for an intrigue scene. So, Garcelle... Garcelle is over... It's the slowest shuffle ball change I've ever seen in my life. It's like, mystery, yes! Garcelle is over at the Thompson Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia. And she's trying to get her computer to work. And Oliver comes over and...

And she's like, oh, how was your flight? I ordered breakfast. He's like, oh, you know, busy, busy, busy. So basically, Garcelle is in Atlanta. She's shooting a movie. It's another one in her abducted franchise. And she is also going to be starring in a movie. And she's just working. She's like a working lady right now. She's got all her shit together. Yes, it's a lifetime movie abducted at an HBCU. A Black Girl Missing movie.

So, yeah, she's like, well, now I'm calling the shots. And so we see her having meetings at Lifetime. She's like, wow, we got my director. I just wanted this man so bad. Professionally, of course. That was a director joke, everybody.

So, Oliver, how is OJ? He's like, oh, OJ's great. Starting kindergarten soon. So Oliver has his kid. We're naming our children OJ? Is that a thing that people are doing? Are we okay with that, everybody? Like, that's just the thing we're going to do now is name our children OJ? I don't know that that's okay. Why would you do that to a child? You can be a fan of whoever you want. Why would you do that to your child? Yeah.

So then basically they're just sort of having this conversation that's not terribly interesting. And Garcelle tells us that Oliver, when she had Oliver, she would bring him everywhere and like the set of the Jamie Foxx show and to have him here on the set here, it really means a lot to her. Well, you know, I'm sure he's just there to see you and not the camera at all. It's not, your son's not very thirsty at all.

So then, yeah, this Garcelle scene, I have to say, still love Garcelle. But I will say Garcelle should have come back as a friend. Garcelle should be there commenting on everything going on. That's her sweet spot. These personal scenes are not great. Although it's good to see her kind of, you know, achieving her dreams and doing all that cool stuff. Yeah, she's doing cool stuff. Like, Garcelle is, like, lovable. And, you know, we see her, she, like, loves...

leaves the hotel she goes to the set she's like yeah i'm doing it it sort of has a little bit of the energy of like a plaque psoriasis commercial it's like i'm not letting plaque psoriasis hold me back from shooting a movie so wait a minute someone's doing a psoriasis commercial without me this is me cindy lapa psoriasis sucks don't get it

Because you know, like, every commercial for any sort of condition, it's always, like, someone talking to the camera while there's all sorts of business happening behind them. Like, someone holding a bulletin board and someone, like, rolling a wheel and someone training, like, an elephant. Like, I'm not letting it hold me back. Back to work for me. And they just, like, walk into the madness. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, gosh. So then we get some Trixie coming up. She's like, I love my life. I'm hooked on a feeling. I love my life. Every day is a weekend. It's like, well,

You shouldn't say that when the whole scene is about somebody working a lot. Stay consistent, Trix. So now it's Thursday, May 29th. No, May 19th. And it's 1256 p.m. And we know the exact time of day, which means it must be a terrible news coming up on the screen. Yes, it's a timestamp. It's a timestamp. And...

The last time Sam built the episode, I believe. So if you're trying to keep track of the timeline of this episode, don't worry. You're off the hook because no more time stamps after this. No more.

We're done with those. So voiceover. Unfortunately, real housewives of Beverly Hills stars Dorit and PK separated after nine years of marriage. When we see headlines shooting up on the screen, Dorit, Kemsley, and PK, Kemsley break up. Dorit breaks up with Kemsley and tries to cook him, not realizing he's still not a dough boy. Peter Pan role.

Opens up in London after Dorit Kemsley pulls out a vital, vital Pantone experience. So yeah, all the headlines are hitting and then we're at Dorit and PK's home. And now we see it's, we see, we see like the public statement that they make this big, long, long statement. And then certain parts are being highlighted. Like we can't work it out, et cetera. And then we seek ourselves.

excuse me carcel is reading it with with oliver and she's like all right so we've had our struggles over the past few years and oh my god of course it's long-winded of course it's to read okay harmonious environment blah blah blah blah blah okay slide number wow she did a whole carousel okay wow slide number nine oh wow god i'm really resenting that instagram opened up the carousels to 20 photos because we got a lot more okay uh she's saying uh custody

of the EL fudge cookies is yet to be determined. Okay, next. It's really going on a while here. This is very Dory. It's like, we as a couple have been subjected to many, many, many boxes of Nabisco that have gone missing. And as we've tried to resolve this amongst ourselves as to who's stolen the Nabisco, I continuously find crumbs in my bed suggesting that it was either me or Picky.

And if P.K. won't harmoniously admit where the Nabisco is gone, what can I say about Nabisco? I had always trusted P.K., but when I asked him, where did those strange orange crackers go with the peanut butter on the inside? And he said, what are you talking about? Those crackers don't exist. And then he came to bed with his lips as orange as orange can be. I thought, we've lost the trust. It's over.

We do appreciate the love and support of all of the fans all across the world and hope to do the weird, weird journey of support that we need to do for each other. Yada, yada, dada, signed. And one more thing. When it comes to turkey basting, I am sick of being the baster every single year. Baster own cookies, you monster of a man.

That is all said and done. Dorit and Fragamore! For Christ's sake, just stop using Siri to make your statement, girl. Just stop typing. Just say I left the pasty old person. That's all we need to know.

So we then cut to Erica and she's FaceTiming Kyle. And she's like, well, I'll be honest with you, Kyle. I knew. I knew the whole time. I knew everything. I bet you didn't realize because I'm really good at acting like I didn't know something when I actually do. But guess what? I knew. And she told me at the Pacific Design Center and asked me not to say anything. And I said nothing. I won't rat out anyone, Kyle. Not a single person. But she did give me some diamond earrings and I will not give them back. What are we talking about?

Oh, you know what? I just, like, this is so bad, and I feel so bad because, like, you know, to go through this publicly, like, I've had to do, it's so difficult going through what I've gone through, and I don't want anybody to ever have to go what I've gone through. So does Z to Reed even, like, have to go through what I've gone through, except mine was worse, of course. It's just, like, so sad what I went through, you know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, I can only imagine how hard it would have been for them had they lasted 25 years and been featured on The Knot.com. Luckily, they didn't have to go through that the way I did. And as the first person to ever be divorced in America, I have to say it is hard, but hopefully she'll get through it. And she tells us, I just automatically go back to the couple that was just so in love. I mean, everything he said, she laughed at. What went wrong?

So then a van honks and Dorit drives through Bel-Air. And this is the moment that she's, Dorit is like rage driving. She's like, she's free and doesn't know what to do. And she's like lighting up a cigarette. She's like smoking in Bel-Air. Like, I'm single and a rebel now.

Yeah, she's smoking out the window. And Sutton's like, well, Dorit said everything was wonderful with her marriage. Again, smoke and mirrors. And Garcelle's like, this is serious. There's something in the water. Who else married in this group? No one. Now I know why Lisa Vanderpump got out of there. She's like, I'm going to save Ken.

So, Dorit shows up at Kathy's house. And this is amazing. She's walking through and then she finds Kathy upstairs in her preservation chamber. Kathy is sitting in a chair. There are 10 different sets of hands applying plastic and goo and different brushes and vacuums onto her face.

It's not unlike the scene in Seven where they come across that body in the bed that they think is decomposing in death, and then it's alive. It is like very Buffalo Bill from the Hannibal Lecter movies, just like... Tell it to put on the lotion. Tell it to put on the lotion. We've been keeping her alive for 200 years. Yes.

She's like, I decided I actually want to be the picture of Dorian Gray. She's like, it doesn't work that way, Kathy. You're not supposed to be the picture. So Dorit comes in and they kiss, kiss. And Kathy's like, I'm not getting up. You're just going to sit down there. Okay. Well, I mean, listen. Hello there, Chris. Chris is like, hi, honey. And so she's like, oh, I like this hair that you've got going on. That's at least good. Yeah.

Gee, it's very ironic that Kyle has iced me out and Kathy has thankfully offered support in my time of need. I mean, she didn't really offer support. She just looked at one of her glam people and they put a comforting hand on my shoulder for her. But it still felt nice.

I just called you, honey, because I want to see how you're feeling. You feeling okay? I appreciate that, and I can tell by the bubble that you're blowing through your lips that you mean it. Mary, honey, I mean, Red, I just didn't want to call. I mean, I'd rather you do this in person so you can, you know, hear what's going on. Are you okay? Are you depressed? Everything going okay? Okay.

Well, you know, the really nice thing about this is it's not out of anger. And, you know, in order for us to have a healthy, happy and peaceful marriage, there needs to be work done. Here, let me just...

dab that spittle that's coming out of the side of your lips. I thought these people were hired to do this for you, but that's okay. I'm just divorcing, but that's okay. I'll wipe your spit off because you're richer than I am and more powerful, so there we go. I know you love him, honey. I know you love him. You love him, right? Don't you love him? Because he's a man, you're a woman. You love him, right? Love is a strong word. More like, I acknowledge that he exists.

Yeah. All right. We're going to have to work on it. Is my face moving? You're all fired if my face is moving. Derry? Derry? Is she alive? I can't tell. It was someone just throwing her voice. I can't tell what's happening right now. So...

So then we go to the Henry and Mauricio sitting at the bar. He's like, oh, yeah, I think I'll have a Henry special, whatever that is. I don't even care. I might sell this down. Yeah. So if you have maybe a waffle or something like that. Yeah, yeah, I'll have a waffle. Maybe possibly some syrup on the waffle. Syrup on the waffle. Thank you. Just so...

upsetting that we're gonna be celebrating somebody else's yeah the same day that we hear about our friends uh split so upsetting gotta always gotta play at least once in the season so funny so um

No, he's actually making a business call. He's like, okay, okay. Deals, deals, deals. You know, nothing but deals. Go ahead and send me a bio on her if you would. You know, I'd love to see a bio. But hey, I got to go because my buddy's here and he's pastier than ever. Okay. Hey, buddy, you okay? And then they come up and they start making out. They're like... PK is like, I'm not good, man. I'm not good. Okay. You know what's funny? You actually taste like dough. That's crazy. Wow.

I've been rolling around in Flower Man trying to do flower therapy. It's a new thing. But it's rough. The other day I said, ladies and gentlemen, burl out, not burl in. It's a rough time over here. Yeah, yeah. So then they start talking with their face like, maybe there's like a Starbucks cup in between them. There's a shadow on the guy. He's not well lit, right? Yeah, they're like...

"Hello, listen, I'm not doing well. I'm not doing well, mate. I'm just really not." He's like, "Well, you've been through a big day today. I've never been, you know, listen, I've been separated now nearly a year and I recently moved out. And during this process, you're gonna have hard days. You're gonna have easier days. There's some days you'll get a boner. Some days you won't get a boner. But let me tell you something. You have to have boners all the time because the girls are much younger now. It's crazy. Everybody in the world is now younger than anyone you ever lived with before."

So I don't know how to explain it, but that's how it's going. Yeah. He literally says, you know what? I've, uh, I kind of learned, uh, how to enjoy the journey versus looking for a solution, how to enjoy the journey. I'm fucking everything inside now. Yeah. Don't make anything right with my wife and just keep fucking the young people that I'm getting now. I realized rather than trying to, uh, have to have a nice relationship, I can just fuck people. That's nice. I like it. Yeah. So crazy.

PK is like, well, guess what? Kyle texted me. It was a beautiful text. And I'm like, wow, I love the game that Kyle and Dorit are playing right now. They are both playing such a passive aggressive, wonderful frenemy game.

Dorit goes to Kathy first. And first of all, first Dorit tells Erica first before Kyle, which is already like a stab in the heart because Kyle's acting like they're not tight friends. So Dorit's going to be like, oh yeah, well then I'm going to call your bluff. And if we're not close friends, I'm going to tell it. Not only am I going to tell someone else first,

Then I'm gonna go confide in Kathy first, but like Kyle's like, okay Well, I'm gonna one-up you cuz I'm gonna text PK instead of you. I'm like, ooh, this is brutal already And where it's just like oh god, I said you wow, that's nice He's like, you know, listen to me. You're really an inspiration to me both you and Kyle. I mean god. I love your divorce I mean, you know, you may just look so fun. Haven't you everyone's doing it now mate? I

And he's like, well, did you talk to the kids about it? And he's like, no, we're not going to be talking to the kids. They're morons. Basically, it's sludge. They're just sludge with hair, you know? I mean, they basically just started actually walking around, you know, saying da-da-da-da. They're just stupid. Kids are moronic. No, we're not telling our children. Listen, I'm British. We don't talk about these things with children. We wait 25 years, and then we say, oh...

Oh, yes, I suppose we are divorced. Things like that. It's very simple. So Marisha's like, all right, well, did you leave a note for Dorit on how to open doors and turn on TVs? Because I forgot to do it with Kyle. So that's my tip for you. Kyle watched a toaster yesterday. I said, how was your day? She started telling me the story about a bagel. I mean, it was the worst thing. Just make sure she knows how to turn on the TV. Trust me. I got a voice note that said, quote,

Why is some of the bread missing from the bagel? And I had to tell her, it's on purpose. Actually, that was me. I stopped by. She invited me over. I don't think she'd catch me that quickly, actually. So he's like, no, we're not telling them, my fucking moronic kids. And then we go to Kathy and Dorit. We're back with them. And Kathy's like...

Did you say anything to the kids? You have kids, right? Are they maids that you call kids or are they actual kids that you have? Because sometimes I'll call my maids kids just to keep it simpler. America doesn't like me calling people ladies, so now I just call them kids. It's pretty fun. Have you had kids, Suzanne? No.

Well, actually, instead of telling them about divorce, we've just sung happy birthday over and over and over to them. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. I believe. You're the soft clap. Just going to go through all the sound effects, guys. I'm just doing the morning show over here. I'm doing a crazy radio morning show. Pull out the trunk. We're back, everybody. Pull out the trunk. There's only one real sound effect that's left, so let's just get out of the way. Young ladies. What the fuck? What the fuck?

You know, that makes me crack up every single time. So do we walking into the car dealership and screaming like bloody murder. So Kathy's like, so you're not telling the kids? I was like, no, we're not going to. I mean, we can be doing things in the family like we're not in a toxic place. He does have a sober coach and I'm not privy to that because I don't know if I told you. He's a full blown alcoholic.

Hold on one second. I'm getting a phone call. Yes. Yes. Full blown alcoholic. Thank you. Yes. In those words. Sorry, it was the skywriting team. What were you saying, Kathy? Okay.

So then back to Mauricio. He's asking what happened. And Piquet's like, I'll tell you what happened. I got sober. That's what happened. I got sober. I got clear. And I realized we're just taking bites out of each other the whole fucking time. And I said, what are you, a bagel? And she said, yes, I am a bagel. And I said, God damn it, I'm divorcing a bagel.

Then I had to talk to Tariq after. You know, she's not the most able to listen. She really isn't. Meanwhile, Marisa sitting there literally not paying attention to PK. He is looking at the door. He is looking at the waitress. He's looking at the other waitress. He is...

This is a divorced man right here. That eye is wandering. Because PK is also trying to make it like this big sob story. First of all, Mauricio's already heard all this. And second, Mauricio never really got his sob story because his thing was like, Kyle was like,

Mauricio did something I'm not going to talk about, but I'm going to insinuate that it was an affair while she was kind of like screwing this chick off the Instagram, allegedly. And so he got the villain at it, even though we don't really know what he did. Rumors are that he was getting messages from hoes on Instagram.

something and he wasn't he wasn't swatting them off fast enough that's kind of the rumor but we don't she made it sound like he had a full-blown affair so we still don't know what went on but either way he didn't get some sympathy at it and now here comes pk pk who's like a visibly terrible husband like literally not even in town comes in and he's gonna try and have a crying scene now marisa is like oh fuck no this isn't fair you know you know what kathy back to me

PK, he's got avoidance issues. I put out some rice cakes on the counter. He wouldn't even touch them. Straight to the Pringles. Have you ever tried to put a gallon of water there for a pasty person? They won't take it. Issues of avoidance.

Yeah, but you also have an issue of being something that truly needs to be avoided, to be fair. I'm not going to stick up for PK too much here, but you are still Dorit. You know what I mean? You're going to have a hero season, and that's great. I'm rooting for you this whole season. But I've just got to point out that if there's going to be something to avoid, a lot of times it's you. So Kathy's like, well, are you a good listener? What?

Are you a good listener? Anyway, who got a Beppo clothes? So that was sad too. DeRite, did you answer my question? Well, you should ask one. I had to go and pack all the lemons from the ceiling myself. What do you do with 19 boxes of lemons? DeRite, PK saw those in my trunk and said we should have called it the eclair room. So not a good listener. Okay. So do you guys still have sex? You guys still get together? Sex? Please.

We're separated. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to put those memories in a little box in my mind. Please don't bring that up, Kathy. PK being inside of me is like trying to put biscuits back into a tube. So Dorit's like...

Everything is all so fresh and new. It's so fresh and new, I have to splash invisible water drops across the room. Flash, flash, flash. It's all brand new, and it's scary. And do I think it's going to, I don't know, trail off? I'm trailing off right now. And Kathy's like, are you jealous if he goes out to dinner? God, no! He does it all the time. He's a very social guy. I'm jealous of the people who get to stay away from PK.

And Kathy really is very good at drilling right down to the issue, right? Because she's like, so no, so he goes out, you don't go out. So you don't, he goes out, you're not out with your girlfriends all the time. It's like, no! So what we've just learned in this scene, thanks to Detective Kathy, is that PK is very social. Dorit has stopped being social and refuses to go out. And she's probably not listening to PK anymore.

and they're not having sex. That was a very good interrogation for a show where people will not ever give the real information. You know what I mean? People keep shit secret on here for years, and Kathy just basically summed up every trouble with our marriage in two seconds. Wow, her mouth didn't even move. That's pretty good.

Hey, everyone. This is the end of part one of this recap for part two. Keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half.

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