60 - Mat Best Tells All
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You gotta wait, man. Why are you drinking? Hey, let's pour a shot for Eli before we take one. Wait, are we on the show right now? We just... What? No, we're not recording yet. Yeah, he's recording. When that's red is when you have to wear it. It's been red. Say hi to Eli. His racially ambiguous baddie. That guy's fucking ridiculous. Donut.

It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to unsubscribe. Hey guys, thanks for watching unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or...

That's all of them. Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do. It helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating. And that's where the, you come, that is. Come subscribe. Cheers.

- Okay, welcome to Unsubscribe. We have a very

Very special announcement to make today. Wait, you got a cop? I am replacing Donut Operator as a host on Unsubscribed. I think you've already said more words than Donut in the last two podcasts. That's what I figured. I just figured it's a good way to have free booze and sit here. I'm not replacing him. Don't get scared, guys. It's a joke. Donut, we love you. Yes, I love Donut. All the comments are going to be like, replace Dave. Dave.

Yeah, I mean if I I think I replace Dave if I put on like 15 60 pounds I could probably I could probably I could probably do it, you know nose piercings Two years ago, that's all I got I can get punched really well. I'm weird. We both already cracked me. Yeah, I

Welcome to our Instagram podcast. Today, of course, we have Eli, Double Tap, myself, Batty Streams, and our very special guest. Very special. Very, very. By non-popular demand. No one asked me to come back, but I'm fucking here. Matt Best. Matt Best.

Fucking here. Hey guys, if you're gonna talk about Matt, can you just learn how to spell his fucking name? It's M-A-T. It's one T. It's just one T. Thank you. I just constantly, I was like. Been on the internet for like 11 years. You think people would just drop a T? Matt Frazier has one T. I have one T. I just like fans of you. They're like, man, I've been watching Matt for two decades. Huge fan. M-A-T-T. I'm like.

Define fan. Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you following me? Are you doing it? Are you a real fan? Because you can't. Batty, can you rotate just a smidge this? Yes, I can already tell. There's a whole. There's headspace. Perfect. But look how much. No, this is good headspace. But all this arm space. Yeah, there you go. Fucking short right now. I mean, he's not the tallest human. I'm not. I'm the average. So we have froggy bro week. He sure is five one. Maybe.

That's when he walked in, I was like... You look idiot. That's the first time I realized I had looked down at a grown man. He was like, oh shit. I felt like you guys for three seconds. He's a cool dude, man. He's hilarious. He's a weird fucking guy, but I love every aspect of him, man.

I am the baddest of them all. I forgot he was on Tosh.0. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's where I had found him originally. And I was just like, what the fuck is this dude? What is...

Cuz they made a music video with Taj and he was just like holding the rocket launcher RPG on his shoulders like staring into space and I'm like what is fucking happening? This is the cringiest shit I've ever seen in my life. But you can't- it's like a car crash you can't look away. No you can't watch it. It's wonderful. Like I'm just waiting to see the fucking one. Yeah. RIP Paul Walker by the way. What? Do we- Kobe! There's never- I can't say Kobe anymore! Why? RIP Kobe. RIP Harambe.

Harambee? That one's that one. Oh! Wait, speaking, I don't know why Harambee made me the what? Yeah, Harambee. The gorilla that got killed in the zoo? I know. The guy executed? Yeah. Okay. But it made me think of how to... What? How long ago did that happen? That was like 2015, 16? 17? Yeah, 18? No. 16? That's like 16, 17. When was that? Hey Siri, when did Harambee the gorilla die? I would say 2010.

Arambe died May 28th 2016 at age 17. Come at me, bro. Bam! Oh wait, what are we talking about? Oh, I don't know. We're gonna- first off, I'm gonna ask Batty a question. Batty, ready? Go. This is also for everyone. I want you to pause the video now after you hear the word to spell in order to do this, but you gotta spell it- you hit-

Okay, Batty, are you ready? Spell the word. I'm going to use it in a sentence. In a sentence. It's not going in the direction. It's not that scared. It's not that scared right now. It's not that scared. It's not that scared. If I don't go, they'll ask me how to spell some shit. You know that's scared right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm uncomfortable. You're in a spelling bee and he's going to answer the question. I'll be the official. Here we go. A king's dominion. Spell dominion.

D-O-M-I-N-I-O-N. That is incorrect. That's how you spell Dominion if you're not a fucking crazy person. Dude, I did not know this. Dominion. D-E-M-E-S-N-E. Dominion. You told me this today. I, uh.

I'm not sure in the vala- like how valid it is, but... I'm- fucking watch this shit! 'Cause you did the proper spelling of "dominion". Yeah, okay. I felt like an idiot for like .3 seconds. I was like, "aww." Yeah, but the English language is just fucked in general. I mean, we put K's and we don't say 'em. No, this isn't English. This is old English. This is some fucking bullshit. No, when was it last used like-

You're making shit up. The last time that was used was the 1600s. Fuck off. Demesne. Demesne. Demesne. I feel like that would be like a stripper name and you read it. What's your name? Demesne. And she's like, it's Dominion. I'm not saying you're right. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying it's not used anymore. Trust me. I know when I read. Why would you ask me that? Because it's still a dictionary. I graduated high school and you're like, hey, back up. You're asking some old English shit. You graduated.

I was so confused at this one. Yeah. Are you going to float away like Donut? Racist piece of shit. Is that why Donut's not on here? He called you Asian or something? No. He's right now flying away. That's the one. I don't know. I don't know. I'm as wise as they fucking come. I'm like, I'm almost a ginger. Oh, we're going. Jesus. Golly.

Oh, we gotta do Matt's superpower. First and foremost. We've never done a Matty B superpower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Side note, fucking Froggy Fresh had the worst superpower. What was his superpower? He was like, I'm hot. And we're like, like, he's like, fire? And he's like, yeah. But like...

I can't talk to girls. I'm like, what do you just... That's just real life, bro. Like, you get sweaty, you can't talk to women. That's just normal. That's just normal shit, dude. That's our audience. Yeah.

I still get nervous talking to women. I just fake it till I make it, you know? But that's because you're married. Yeah. That's the problem. No, no. It's because my wife gets real mad when I talk to other girls naked in bed. And I keep saying, sweetheart.

That's not a real thing. I'm sure one of you motherfuckers is gonna DM me and be like "Mass talking sh*t" Just clips that perfect segment. It's like, "Uh, here we go." Shit. Noelle's my homie. We good. I'll talk all the sh*t I want. Superpowers? What's a superpower? What do I do? I get a superpower? Well, you get to pick a superpower on your own. We'll do this first. 'Cause you're just fuckin'- I'll duplicate your memory. Yeah, that's how that works.

By the way, I want to preface if I'm a little slow today I'm jumping back on the horse because Travis pastron taught me something when you're hungover and you just some guy if you if you Have a little hair of the dog. It actually doesn't make you feel better. You're borrowing It's not the dog is lapping over there dip pets you hear that dude I heard like a dog like breathing over there these you have gremlins in his but I don't know probably The fuck out it's something a dog. I was like oh

Why do I hear animals? I wish there was a fan in this room. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I'm definitely not a fan of this, so...

We're gonna you borrow time you borrow time from the future That's what hair the dog is so like you never actually end up feeling better You just brought from the future, but I wanted to say that because true I am one of the most hungover I've been in a long time today. I was Zeus who's a local Mexican music artist who's a phenomenal phenomenal guy, and we're doing some stuff together

Yeah, his producer came over to our house yesterday. We wrote music, and them boys drank the tequila. So I put a lot back. So excuse my lapse in mental cognitive ability today, but I'm here for you, Batty. He made a solid gym appearance at Batty time. It was like noon. Yeah. When you were going to bed, he was sitting in the gym. I slept in until 8.30, but I definitely didn't get out of bed until like fucking 10.30 today. But I was just doing emails in there, but I was sloppy. Oh, that's the best times to do emails is when you're hungover. You're like...

You know, it sounds like a good bed work day. I'll do calls and respond to nine day old emails. Like, sounds great. And they're like, the event already happened. Fuck you. You just do that motivation text around the group. You're doing great, Brad. Timothy, fucking awesome job. Susan, do better. We're a crusher team.

But of superpower so we have the offenders Yeah, the offenders yeah the offenders good thing is not predators so offenders Down here I know like offender like see you guys did not think this thing through this is why you need a brand ambassador like me and

I don't, I mean, if you heard the offenders and they look at batting, they're like, well, what kind of offenders? They have donut in order to fly yelling racial slurs. Yeah. I'm sure our names, the last thing we're worried about. Okay. So I pick my superpower. Yes. And then we get to offset it unless you have an offset. Like me. Okay. Wait, wait, no, I know this game. Can I pick my offset and you can say yes or no.

Just try it. Let me say it. And if you don't like it. Okay. Because me, me, Kenya did say he was like, I want this. And he's like, beat the shit out of his own wife. I'm like, whoa. Yeah. He's throwing a domestic real quick. You know, he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't abuse internationally. You're just straight domestically. Got it. Good old domestic. And he, I wasn't even part of this. That was just him saying it. I got it. I got it.

I want both. Can I have both, Matty? Domestic abuse? No, no. My superpower. My superpower is anybody I touch, I can make come. Oh, man. But the bad part is anybody I touch comes. Think about coming home to see your family on Thanksgiving, bro. I better be wearing a weird suit, dude. I haven't felt that way since 1942 when your grandpa came home from the war.

That's your superpower. It's a two. It's a two for one. But then it's dope because I'm like, what's up, Addy? He goes, oh, right in the show. It's going to be one of those days. It's going to be one of those episodes. We're coming. Here we go. Here we go. That's my name in the superpower league. The offenders. It's called the coming. You better chill because the coming's coming.

But I can fly. I can run. That's just all right. Okay, maybe not fly. How about float? I just think after I only asked if I want to float. That's all I need. That's all I need. Elementary school hanging off the bus. Come on, we need your help. Come on, children, take his hand. No, no, no, no. What? No, no, no, no. I'm running right into there. Right to the 36-year-old bus driver who's super cute and I get...

I make her come and I go, I make him come. And he goes, I haven't felt that way since I used to do log work in Idaho. And I say, hey, no problem, bro. Just get these kids home safe and you can feel that again. It's what you like to do. It's handing off, Matt, this bus is here. There's the back door. It's open. Only you are there to reach in and pull those kids to safety. Call Marvel or DC. I'm not your guy. I'm not your guy. I have super strength, but to ask.

- When I activate my strength, or when I activate the strength, I come everywhere. He's like, "Batty just saving kids." I'm like, "Elo, why you gotta go there?" - I just picture this bus, Matt's like, "Ew, ew." He looks up in the sky, he's like, "Where's the fucking bat signal? "God damn it, where's Cody's racist ass? "Why isn't he flying?" - But the perfect way to do that is when Batty goes to pick up a cheeseburger,

I just, I touch him and he comes and you're like, you needed to use your superpowers to lift that cheeseburger. I'm like getting kind of fat, batty. But I made him come and he didn't use his superpowers because that's your negative effect, right? There's a, there's a, there's chest to this. There's chest to this. Are you a team?

Are you guys going to team up to save kids? They're like, why is Matt so handsy when he talks? Oh my God. That's right. You're like, you talk with your hands. You're always like, oh my God, guys. Really? Now I just picture the bus set up is now it's like Matt's waiting for Matt. He's like, I can lift this bus. And Matt's like, I got you. You touch me. He's like, oh.

- All my strength. - Yeah, all your strength's gone so the bus like, "Orrr!" - The bus flies off, he goes, "Man, anybody wanna nap in a cigarette?" And I'm like,

- Oops. - Oops. - What's your outfit? - We're slowly moving away from like a superhero group and more into like a weird brothel. - No, no, no, we're not. - A brothel full of men. - But you're not thinking about the physiological implications of me making someone cum is because if I hold their arms,

Does it continue? Six minutes, you're dehydrated. All your fluid's gone. You're dead. You're death by come. Think about it. Matt is like... There's old men that die. He's just staring at them. Yeah. Superman going down to one. He's like... His beans come out. He's like cutting the moon in half. Oh!

His pants are getting inflated with liquid. Superman's vinegar strokes. What? Superman's vinegar strokes. How does this motherfucker fuck Lois without imploding, first of all, her pelvis in half? And then also, it's like, dude, but now we're thinking, I make Superman cum and he cums so hard that he blows up buildings, turning Superman into a villain, but I'm the villain. So when they say faster than a speeding bullet...

Iraq never had weapons of mass destruction guys. It was it was Superman and me making him come that's what Saddam Hussein was worried about

I was going to go darker. Oh, please. I was like Superman's. I can't say it. I'm like now. Now we pull him back on that one. I pulled him back. I just now picture like Matt just being like Superman's beams are on. He's just like turning him into like buildings, cutting places up. He's just like. And then I go to float away. I just float to three feet and go.

And then slowly levitate forward. My flying is like more floating, but I have to move like a Segway. That's the speed I move. It's kind of solid, like mile an hour, like two. But very flamboyantly sitting with like the floatingness. Just like, later, bitch.

We're like, oh, okay. I thought that was going to be more dramatic. Thanos. I'll come back there and make you cum again. Tony Stark's already dead. Matt just slowly floats up. I'm here. Tony's dead. Thanos is gone. Thanos is gone. Shit. Who do I make cum now? He just flew away. Sounds like I'm working in a fucking P.F. Chang's, dude. What?

We went some directions. I think we should talk about our Savior, Lord Jesus Christ, for a few moments. Oh, we're pissing off the Christians. No. I'm just saying if there's going to be a second coming of Christ, I want to be involved.

I'm sorry. I'm actually Christian for everybody that I offended. I'm so sorry. Jesus, dude.

I didn't say it, it just kind of came out. On the third day you just touched Jesus? Oh, that, yeah. Oh, no, that's getting screenshotted. Oh, God, okay. That's funny. It's funny. It's comedy. It's not a dick. Don't take it so hard, people. Oh, God damn it. Holy shit.

That's Roy how I feel right now is if I touch with my superpower of how I would feel like a little nervous But relaxed, you know, dude think about how many how about you control your brother do and just walk up. Hey, what's up, bro?

- It's like you touched me. - You touched me. - That's not funny, man. That's not funny. - Dude, think about all the military people. They're like, I can't touch you, man. You make it and I pull out a dope ass challenge coin. I'm like, but you want the challenge coin, don't you? I can't. Yeah. Do you think, I feel like if you have the superpower, people like try to like cruise over your house and just like get touched. - It's like, hey man, what's up, high five.

Matt has a line, just like a long line for this making a wish foundation thing. It's weird. Like making a wish is till 18. Children. You guys make the shitty superpowers. For like the comfortability and comedy sense, can you make it make a wish adult?

adult, like, everyone's over 18, please? Yeah, John. Okay, for the sake of life. Yeah, hot college sorority girls, I know you have cancer, but high five. What the fuck? He'd be a great bartender, or bouncer. Bouncer? You just check everyone. No, you just pat everyone that goes in so they want to leave afterwards. Can't wait to get laid. Okay, I'm out. They don't even walk in the club. Oh,

The most dead clubs ever. Dude, yeah, you're the bouncer. That's a good point. So like you have the other guy walking out with like the questionable girl is probably going to get pregnant, want him for his money or like give him got her percivalitis or whatever. And you're like, man, you should be thinking a little more straight. And he's like, what do you mean? You just touch him. And then he goes, I'm an Uber home all by myself. You could save lives. Think about this. This is a real superpower. No.

No, he wouldn't. Post-cum clarity, dude? No, that's it. There's a lot. Yeah, after you bust. You give a side cart in a hotel and you're like, man, I'm clear. I should not have done that. Holy fucking side carts. Yeah. I forgot about that. I just like to be vulgar on your podcast. I have read him a tweet today about a side cart.

It's like, haha, just side-carded, thought it was funny. I did the side-card like three days ago in San Diego. I wait till the last day because I want to clean up the hotel room. And I can't do it anymore because when I do it, I start to giggle and think about you guys. And it's not really what I want in my brain after, you know. You don't want the boys.

Yeah, I know. Like, how? I was a baddie. Now it's a sad lawnmower. He was just trying to start it at that point. He's like, it's not working anymore. Was this podcast about video games? Hey, we just did Nerd Talk for literally 20 minutes. I don't know if nerd is the right word for that.

Weeb? Degenerate. Yeah, but there was like, it's a slight Marvel in, no? Nothing? You said the word Marvel. It doesn't make it okay. Superpowers. Superheroes. We're just terrible superheroes. Nope. Batty, can we debut my three new music videos on your Twitch? I feel like we should do that because I don't have the- Have you filmed White Cloud Weekend yet? The 28th we were filming it. If I'm not involved in that, I will never talk to you again.

Don't care if it's just you pouring white on my face. Yo chat. We just got an out on this Yeah, the 20 white baddie. I'd never have to talk to him ever again Fucking a Rest in peace Dave We're gonna do a pool party at my house and it's gonna be white claw week and we're shoot it there the 28th ish or so what's address it is 172 I come by touch zip code

I don't know. I'm not clever right now. 00018. I was going 18 or older. But you should definitely come to the White Claw film shoot.

But you need- I need a tire, I need a tire. I'll see you in an Instagram story, I'll be like "I'm going to Mass." You should show up over here for the White Claw video. They're like "Oh, he found out!" We had such an indirect douchebag moment, I mean that happens a lot to me, but a very indirect douchebag moment. Cause I was like "Yeah, I want some like, fuckin' great looking girls, cause it's like White Claw weekend." And I was like "Oh, you got Sav? I got Noel."

Jared has Corey and I was like, oh yeah, look at we all hot shit It was just kind of douchey because we just call it out. But I mean, that's a good thing to do I've realized that I'm not that funny So if I just put my wife in a bikini, it significantly helps the performance of anything that I do Thank you, babe. All my thumbnails are now Savannah, even if she's not in the video his way works way better What videos Eli you don't you haven't put anything on YouTube? Oh, huh, but Instagram Yeah, one of your vlogs coming out

Mine is coming out soon. I know yours are gonna come out before Eli's because Eli's been filming vlogs since 2019 when I started flying down here before I moved. As a matter of fact, Eli sent me the intro to his first vlog ever in 2020, early 2020 before I moved here. And it was a great intro. Really, it was funny. I loved it. Yeah, but... It's just like, I love my edits of him like, it's good. We are too similar, buddy.

Fuck you, dude. My thumbnail's great. Fuck you. You're never going to release them, though. It's an interesting thing, to be honest with you, because I've done a lot of this similar stuff, and this is not a joke. It's like you've been so taxed.

Over the years of like providing entertainment that you think that every specific piece of content has to meet a certain objective or standard Yeah It's what I have an issue with and then certain things that I find very non compelling based off of the historic like things that I've done Meaning like I've already done that joke, but then I see younger guys do it and they're

I think there's a sensibility about being in like maybe your 20s that adds so much to taking risks on the content side. And I feel like I'm finally in the next, like very recently getting back into that where I'm like, oh yeah, I don't fucking care anymore about, I just want to like do shit that hopefully people like and what I like.

And it's kind of a freeing thing and I think you'll see like some cool shit hopefully coming out with like Eli and I like we got this vlog thing that I'm doing where it's like break like kind of weapon stuff, but just having a blast. It's so good. Oh, it's fun. And you got that 20 mic mic. We're going to do something. Can I shamelessly promote something? Yeah, do it. Black Rifle Coffee is relaunching all the historic art 15 designs from back in the day when I first started. Yep. I didn't know that's cool shit. So yeah, that's all I wanted to say. Plug it more.

No, no, it's just kind of cool. A lot of people don't know that the the back story of Black Rifle Coffee was Article 15 clothing, which is founded by Jared Taylor and me and Vincent Rocco Vargas. It was a big part of it back in the day. Shout out to you Vince. Hope you're doing crushing in the Mayans. Love you, homie. And no, they're like making him more of a character from what I've seen. So God bless him. I saw something about.

Fuck you Rocco! The only thing I didn't like about Rocco in that show, at least the first season I watched, I was like, give him more. I was like, he's so, like, Vince is such a fucking hilarious. But he's so hilarious, dude. He's so fucking funny. I'm like, give him, give him more lines. The strongest jawline you will ever see. Yeah. The crimson Mexican chin. Crimson chin. Yeah, literally. What would be his superpower? His jawline.

He just eats everything. He's like a land shark. Remember that show? Which I have to say that. Street sharks. Street sharks. He's a street shark. I have to say that publicly actually a little bit for Vincent. So I was doing a relaunch at Art 15 Designs. He texted Jared and I. He's like, hey, we should relaunch some of the designs. It'll be bad. And that was before. And give to charity. And it was like.

Already right before I'm about to launch them. I was like, oh, I'm gonna look like such an asshole So I'll donate some money to charity for sure bro. Yeah, I remember you saying that and then literally it was the Son of a bitch I will do something cool. I'm glad Vince is still in the charity space. I love that shit

- Well, okay, Batty, go. No, Matt, here, plug it. - All right, plug it. Oh, okay, okay, so we've plugged our 15 shirts coming out from Black Rival. This next one is called Out of Rigs. If you want to be made with the pomade, you wanna look fresh, you wanna look good, you wanna smell like citrus and be in the California sun, and you wanna look good,

Maybe if you gave this to froggy fresh he would be hot I think so so this is is this your your smooth operator out of regs And you're getting your own out of regs thing aren't you or some shit? Yeah, we're gonna be dropping the batty out of regs sense here very soon Are you guys all owners and shit in that or what? I just you just like do cool shit. Yeah, we got batty Yeah, okay nice little so this is like pomade water based pomade all right. It smells so that's my favorite smell I'm more of a beard oil guy. I do a lot of I use the beard oil I use the donut oil

Batty's doing the beard oil. Batty wanted a beard oil and he freaked out when I was like, Batty, you want to do a beard oil? And he's like, I fucking would love to. I was like, cool. I don't know if I said it. Designs go. There's a lot of screeching. No!

Like that. That was closer. And yeah, so there's going to be a batty beard oil coming soon. I believe a pomade two. It's going to be a beard oil, pomade, wax. I think it'll be a three. But you'll see those at aderigs.com. Use code UNSUB. They're the same 20%. Or come 20. C-U-M-T-O. That does always do better. Two, zero. I don't know why I said T-O. I do not know why I said T-O. I'm fucking retarded.

T-O-20! Let me help. I'm gonna take a nap. This summer, he is coming. Oh, Batty, and speaking of beard, oil, not the oil part, but you have a fucking Tarkov beard coming, bro. Congrats. So, not only is Escaping from Tarkov adding a bunch of cool new streamer items, they're actually about to wipe.

So the game is basically resetting so everybody can... How often does it reset? Like six to eight months. Every six to eight months. It's like, I think it was like Diablo or any season or ladder. The game resets, everybody goes back to level zero, level one, whatever. And they grind it back out. But this wipe, they're adding an item for me in the game.

So I'm already a rogue on the lighthouse map that'll murder you over and over again, but now they're adding a red beard. I think they're going with the bad red beard or red bad beard. I don't know. I don't know what it's gonna be called exactly, but they're adding a red beard specifically for Batty, which is fucking cool because I have put eight to ten thousand hours in this fucking game. Yeah. It's been my entire life. It's made my career.

Would you call it a career or just like? I call it a career. I was, I was. Yeah, but you smiled. Why did you smile? Because I'm happy for you and I'm happy for my friend buying success and Tarkov's awesome and I'm glad you're part of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

That's cute. Yeah, it's cute. Call me or don't. This one you don't want to call back. You know, you're like, I had fun, but I know you didn't, so we're just gonna ghost. Yeah, no high five. Okay, we're just gonna go our separate ways. That's actually totally positive.

- Poggers? - Frog faces. - I mean, I told you this at lunch pretty much was I've been in and around Call of Duty spaces for a long time and I keep getting shunned from the game so I'm actually like zero jokes so fucking proud of you and it's fucking awesome. - It is the coolest thing that's-- - Especially when it's like your game too. It's not like Call of Duty did something with you and you're like whatever. Or Tarkov did something with me, I'm like whatever. It's fucking your game. Congratulations dude, that's awesome. - I am unbelievably fucking excited. This is the coolest shit that's happened to me in a long time.

I'm do you think they'll take you out of the next patch in a long time? I used to be what's called a Sherpa for the game. I got like a special name tag I was there to help people and teach people and they gave me that because I used to explain how things worked while I was streaming I was very helpful. I went played destiny 2 for like a week and a half came back They removed my serpent title. Did they really yeah

I was like, oh, they didn't message me, they didn't tell me anything, I just came back and logged on. I'm like, oh, that's weird, they... After one week? A week and a half. Maybe two weeks, but I think it was a week and a half. Why? Playing a different game. Did they text you, it's not you, it's us? Nothing. Okay. They texted me. I picture it text. Tower, I know it was fucking you, dude. Fuck you. That's the guy's name. Tower? Yeah, his name's Tower. Nice. And he's like, man, I want to get a pair of them. Did you get it?

Did you get it, Benny? How many daddies is that? Three? Are we doing a shot every time he does a fucking... I'll keep doing that all day. Remember Matt has Oops, I'm Hungover. Oops, I'm hungover. Well, how's life been, you fucking crazy fucks? Good? Life's good for me. The fun part about being a public company is like...

- The upside down. - No, it's good, I love it, I love it. No, I was laughing the other day about like this like. I think that was just more honest than anything. - It was, I thought that was gonna be rude. - Yeah. No, I'm just saying it's been funny because like anything that happens, even if someone makes a rumor, it goes like.

and everybody, like, thinks it's real. It's just been a really fun time. If anything, this is, like, giving me a PhD in, like, human psychology and, like, how people interact in, like, social settings, and then they have, like, confirmation bias that they use to promote their own agendas. It's been a wonderful thing to watch. Echo chambers are dope. Yeah, it's pretty fun. I know.

Everybody's in their own little fucking But I do want everybody to know that I am a beta Just a big cuck Beta cuck Yeah Someone's just gonna fucking see that B-E-T-A C-U-C-K And I only shoot BB guns

No, Matt, you do not own any firearms. Dude, did you see my 20 mil? You haven't seen that in the flesh, dude. Yeah, you put your balls on it. Yeah, he did. He sent a policy. That's right, you did. Cheers. Fucking... It took me two years to get it, but my God. That was a process. Man, my Wednesday... Well, usually it's not on a Wednesday. And my Wednesday's fucked. Is it Wednesday? It's Wednesday. Sure. So, here's...

Snipers or whatever will shoot their Barrett's they'll have a guy who actually will sometimes they'll do like the over-the-shoulder Yeah, yeah for sure. Can we do that with Anzo? Can you can we standing shoot your Anzo? Like what happens? Have you ever? We did that on a skit. I did. No no no so

Most the ammunition to buy over-the-counter, which is obviously trash ammunition. Yeah Yeah, I mean like yes CBS H-E-B anything in Texas boosies boosies The one with like the little otter on there or whatever it is Yeah, it's a squirrel. Okay, really nice bathrooms. I apologize to all my Texas family. I'm sorry. How do you spell it?

Boosies? Just how I said it. You know, Gary Boosie started it. I know. Family owned. Family owned. That got you? Oh, a dad joke landed in the back. Let's go. Come on down to Gary's Boosies. Do you know how that...

- I'm gonna keep calling it Buc-ees. - I'm not gonna call it Buc-ees. - You show some fucking respect to Buc-ees. Do you know how they started? It started as more of a truck stop, like fucking gas station, and I'm not fucking with you, that had the cleanest bathrooms.

But that's how they started was no one had a good option on road trips to like go take a nice shit. You know, maybe. No. So that's how they started. That's really the end of my story. I am. Fluck, if you can cut that last part out too, that'd be dope. Yeah, please do. If that was storytelling. Yeah, that was bad. Don't. Stop it. It's Boosie's. That's my shit talk. I love it. Give it to me. I was just at Boosie's last weekend. Or Tuesday.

They're opening one in Bernie, you know that right? I cannot wait. No! Get the fuck out! No! It's like two years out! We fight in this fucking town alone! Bro, I'm gonna shit all over Bernie Boosie. Dude, but it's gonna make I-10 so busy. I-10 doesn't have the... It's two lanes right now. I-10's a mess through Bernie right now. No shit, they can't fix my fucking bridge, but I found a secret way. Oh, I know your secret way. Yeah, you gotta take like... I'm not putting it on the podcast. No. Butt stuff.

Just put it in between. I do mean the secret way. What? You know the secret way? To the Milky Way. By the way, can we have a serious conversation for one second? I want to say rest in peace to Pluto.

from 2000 it was such an amazing planet and then we just casted it out to the fucking universe as a moon was that 2012 we did that somewhere around there like how unfortunate batty what's the closest star to the earth okay hey i was just making sure i was just i was what's the second closest uh is it it's not is it not beetlejuice is it

Yeah, good job, big boy. Good job. Oh, my God. What's the closest galaxy? Andromeda. I'm up. He's got some knowledge. You get a fist bump for that. And on that very note, in 20 days, I am counting down. No, no, no. In 20 days, the new. Wow, I just had a brain fart. I've been drinking. That's what's causing it. Okay, cool. At least I don't look like you.

Yet. I will look like this forever. You ever will plummet. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. I'll put a pistol in my face and...

It'll be a squirt gun filled with your mom's fluids. I don't know. I don't like that. I'm going to tell her you said that. I'm over a wedding this way. I wish her the best. I'm sorry. Why is Matt here at the wedding? This is weird. You flustered me a little bit. I'm not used to flustering. And Matt's giving the sermon. He's like, ahem. Yeah.

I need a water gun. Ma'am, can you please squat? Squat here. Is that how you know you've made it? Fatty's rolling up paper. He's just doing a funnel. Okay, I'm going to get vulgar. I don't care anymore.

What a flexo. What a flexo. Where if like I just walked up to you and I squirted you in the face, you're like, cool, water gun. I'd be like, I just fucked a chick and that's her squirt cum. And I put it in the squirt guns. It's like it's diluted pee, you know? I call it the squirt cum gun. And I squirt it in the face. Why is it salty? I'm like, it's like a hydration packet. I don't like this. It's a squirt cum gun. Why would you invent this?

I don't wanna do that. I wanna go back. Why isn't this real yet?! I wanna go back in time. Are you gonna squirt? Okay. Say when. Fuck, how does we need this as a head-to-head? Head-to-head! I like how we're gonna talk about space and just gotten squirt guns full of female pee. I know. I was like... Where is the connection? Batty, what's the closest? Andromeda. Have you seen my squirt cum gun? It's fucking dope! Yeah. You have to delir- Video games! Yeah.

They're like, I know your title of your podcast told me to unsubscribe, but I'm fucking doing it after this episode. This is the one. The new telescope or the new fucking satellite. The new fucking picture thing in the sky. The new Hubble, pretty much. What's the new Hubble called?

Wait, it's called the... I brain farted, that's why we went on the squirt gun pee stuff. Is that it? Yeah. I actually don't remember the name right now. So July 12th are the first image... That's the name of it. I'm not fucking with you. July 12th. I'm surprised you know July 12th, but you don't know the name of the fucking... I know. I'm having a brain fart, and you can have brain farts. July 12th is the first time that all the images are going to be fucking put together perfectly from its sensors, and I am...

Crazy crazily excited about that. It's a historic moment for humankind like I feel like it's bizarre to me that we as a society if you know all these Communists that want a global society but as a global species of humans don't look at Something like this satellite and providing its fucking images outwards the unexplored fucking crazy thing we live in Yes, 100% well in what capacity let's get on this. This is my box against

Got it

Okay, so what's the question? Well, they're down there. James Webb! Yes, James Webb. A spacecraft comes down and it's like, como estas? By the way, do not give that to Batty. Batty had to fucking Google it in his fucking phone before he said James Webb. I just hope Mexicans are the ones that come out of the first UFO that comes out. It is a whole spacecraft that lands on Independence Day and like,

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Can we shoot that? It's like, oh fuck, the aliens arrive. The space shuttle lands and it starts mowing the lawn. I'm like, wait, what the fuck? - No, no, no, you have this, you have like, the ram drops out, it's like, psst. A Mexican walks down, he's like, "Sí." It's just a weed, a leaf blow. - I love it, love it.

And then you look at your wife like, do you have to pay him for that? I think we just give him some fajita. They might want a citizenship. By the way, I was talking to Zeus about that last night because we're all laughing because I have a Consafos tattoo, so like

Straight white boy, but like but like the Mexican culture is arguably my favorite culture just because it's all family and they drink beer and they have fucking cookouts and there's like my jam so especially coming from SoCal, but I can make those jokes because I have a Spanish tattoo. That's what I'm saying. You have a Mexican friend. Yes, and my wife is half Spanish. So is that good? So I'm friends with your wife and a Mexican guy. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think comedy is...

- Well you said a Mexican guy. You didn't say I have a Mexican friend. I love that he's like, I have a Mexican guy. There's like another guy. - I know a guy. - You know a guy. - I didn't say it was Eli. - Can we delete this episode? Just like throw it in the fucking trash. - We're just like digging it. - I have the worst joke for Batty, I think.

Go on. I'm going to say joke. Is it a joke or are you just being a dick? No, no, no. It's a joke. It's going to be really bad, though. Like, so funny. So bad it won't make you laugh. If I had my superpowers and I hugged James Franco, I would call him James Webb.

I wanted that to hurt you of how bad it was because the web of cum that comes out of him. Okay. I know. I know. Good. That's the last one. As soon as you bring up James Franco, you know what I do immediately? Pile up Express. Pile up Express. And then you know what's going on? Seth Rogen. And then everybody called me Seth Rogen for the last goddamn two months of my life because I trimmed my beard. What's the one in North Korea? That was a fantastic flick. Oh my God. Such a good flick.

The dick. Fuck! The... Does it start with that? The interview. The interview. Ha! It did start with that and you were shaking your head. I thought you were gonna say... I thought you started with a D. I thought you were gonna drop a T word. But what an awful... A D word. It did. The dictator. Yeah. That's not the name of the movie.

No, what was the interview? Damn it. Do you already forget that? Yeah, bro. You started with a D. He's like, interview. You're like, three. Your brain power is worse than my jokes. That's not what you were saying. It's that ram. I'm the actor. Just all ram. You can't steal my ram joke. That's my ram joke. That's where I got it from. There's no storage. I heard...

D and I was like, ah, gone, deleted, gone, great dictator. I was right. You know, that's the nerd, the weeb talk I always say. I can't talk, but we, the weeb talk is, is, uh, I make a joke that my wife is a hard drive, right? So she stores a lot of data. She'll remember shit from six years ago. Uh,

I don't mean that in like a thing that she... Does that make you RAM? Yeah, I'm RAM. I just flash memory. So I can fucking function on a super high level, but I forget fucking everything. And so it's like, I don't know which one would be better, maybe both. But if you combine the two, I just tell my wife things because I process quick enough to be like, remember this. And then she remembers fucking everything. Who's the CPU? Me. I call my exes. First one to burn out. Roger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need something to replace? I...

I'm pretty convinced that my wife will have the opportunity to have a second marriage like a long second marriage Yeah, like cuz like I'll be like 56 and just slump over she'll be like 48 and she'd be like we made it Yeah, right good honor good

- What? - I'm not fucking, trust me. That's the business plan. That's what they wrote out with other girls. Like here is my business plan. - We have to deal with his alcoholic tendencies for 12 to 16 years. - Die. - Do you die?

And then I don't know. Eventually, him and his friends will off themselves in a group. How many of us can... I have to protect my wife in that. She cares about my well-being, and she's like, you should probably slow down a little bit. And I'm like, I love you, babe, but I'm not slowing down. They do all the girls. All the girls. Even Sav's like, babe, doctor's appointment. Go. I was like... We need that, though. We don't go to doctor. No. It's like, I never do. My wife's like, you should get your blood work. I got my blood work done when I was 22.

It's like, oh, that was the minute. Dude, we were in Seattle for PAX. I was coughing up blood everywhere. I was like,

I'm good. I can't swallow it. My throat is seized completely. I'm just like drooling. I'm like, sorry about that. I'm good. I don't need to go to the doctors. I got my first, I did my blood work when I got my first sleeve that I also covered up with a completely different sleeve. Yeah. It's probably time to check my book. I'm semi-proactive with my health. I should go to the doctors. Everyone that has health insurance. Do you ever get like on Instagram? Or if you don't, even then, you should probably just like one checkup. It's not going to hurt you that bad. Like,

Just a checkup. I always love when you get on Instagram too and it's like some like tragic but heroic story of someone that wished they would have caught like their illness before if they just took care of themselves and I'm like Sweet, where's the chick in the bikini on TikTok? Just like straight just like fucking stupid shit. Why would I like that? Yeah. God bless them. We're going again. Man, you guys bring the worst out of me. I live here, so...

Oh, well I'm not- You live here. I'm not driving. We got Ubers, we got fuckin'- I gotta deal with another, another- I have to walk from that- Hit me with a hard question, Batty. Let's do something. Hit me with something. Hit me with something you wanna know about. Like, let's go. Come on, I'm your guest. Something I want to know about. Well, you know so much about me, but like, not about me necessarily, but like, anything. Let's have a conversation. How big is your dick, actually? Wow. Jesus Christ.

Literally the first time we ever met, the first thing you did, you're like, my dick is this big. That's not true. This is a hard. No, you said to me, I'm going to pull into my fucking Ram and my little bit of hard drive space. I have you said something to the effect of this. I hope your dick is small. And I said, I'm sorry, baddie. It's not.

Remember that conversation showed me a picture of your cock. Yes. Was that a real picture? Why would I Photoshop a cock? Wasn't the black one because it is You're the news towards black boy Matt the first time and then he just said his cocks big I'm like, well you asked me you said I hope at least your cock small and I said it's not Bullshit and then I showed him a photo of my dick

Thank you. I'm happily married, so. I have to pour my own. People don't even know you have a big dick. It's not like giant. It's more like well above average. Like a bad day for you is a good day for anybody else. Okay, sure. I'm uncomfortable now. That's the question you asked? It's like, today on September 11th, we're asking the deep questions. My best, what is the size of your penis? Yeah.

Matt if you're asking the weird ass questions don't start with me! You know our audience! You know what they wanna know? How big is Matt's dick? I've never seen Matt in a comment section. Slightly over 8 inches. You're welcome. I'll say it. Slightly over 8 inches. Yeah. Like straight up. I know. Wait, wait. Don't say straight up when referencing my penis. But I'll say. I've seen your dick. I got an okay dick. You have a fucking giant butthole.

Dude, Dave's butthole is mammoth. It's so big it's prehistoric. Oh, fuck. That one got me. Holy shit.

- How many inches is your butthole? - How many inches wide? What's the diameter? The diameter. - Wait, that's a question to ask like girls, right? I've never known 'cause I think every vagina is-- - How long are your pussy lips? What them baloney flaps look like? - Oh, God. Arby's, we have the meat. - Have you ever measured them? - Every personality jives well with a personality that supplements.

- I can't right now. - I'm trying to keep it serious here. So the personalities that are associated, like a lot of people that are good people, but like we just don't get along. What like, do girls generally speaking want a specific type of thickness, longness, motion of the ocean? 'Cause you hear it all, right? But like, I wanna know the aggregate of like American females that go, I like it seven inches long, thick and-- - Any girl who says they're happy with a small thing is lying.

Unless they're like butt stuff and they just don't want to get stretched out. They're lying. Statistically speaking, what Femos have answered is for a... I don't know this. I don't know. I know all those fucking... The tism facts. Sorry. We'll call them tism facts. Yeah, tism facts. Eli's tism fact of the week is go. Go. The...

Average length, was it like five inches or whatever the average length is? Imagine, I know. So it would be, that is what, if you're married to an individual for a long-term relationship, that is what they're happy with, five to six inches for one night stands or just fun, then it is bigger. And then the smaller ones are never on the spectrum usually. Okay. Hey. Unlike my son, they're not on the spectrum. I need you to support me in this. Yes, go.

I don't know why women want to shame guys about their dick size. Maybe you don't have a hallway. That's not fair. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to come out on the fence with women. Really? That's not fair. But they always project it's all about the dick size. And I'm like, you've been more dug out than the Texas roadways. What? Really? Never. Oh, well, then you're not as promiscuous as I was in my 20s. No, no, no. Not anymore, but I am. That's why I said 20s. I'm thinking right now. But like...

Why don't but I've been in a pussy men like yeah, man really yeah, how bored out was I? Don't know drill that went from Europe to fucking England. It was like the fuck them, but the big drill I don't know but that I had a really bad joke, but I like you too much to say it no let me We gotta hear it. I just call your mom and ask her

I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it so bad. And then I felt bad. I felt bad. I was like, I don't know the circumstance of your mom. I just love, the joke was long enough for you to actually think through an emotional, like, storyline. It's like, is it too far? My dad actively listens to this podcast. He listens to every single episode. I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry, sir. We're not married anymore. Oh, yeah. That shit's not going back. Fuck that bitch.

I love you, Mom. I'm going to your wedding next month. I'm sorry. Which number is it? Do you know, like, it's like a Texas pool where, like, you don't really have to, like, find a spot to jump in. You can just kind of fall into it, you know? I have never. It's like my dad's butthole. Papa Best is a real big gay. I'm going to just clip this for Papa Best.

He's gonna disown me. I think Mason's his son already. Is your mom still around? Yes. I've never met your mother. She's a sweetheart. Is she? Yeah. I'm sorry for that. Yeah, I'm no. You don't need to make fun of my mom in any regard because she's me. I'm her son. You exist. Yeah, I exist. I don't even know how to talk.

Probably the four of these. Yeah. Like three hours of sleep and being hungover and yeah, we're here. We're just playing catch up. Matt's like, I haven't drank hard like that in a long time. Welcome to the podcast. Let's do half a fucking bottle right here already. Finish it. Fucking congrats on you getting your TikTok back.

Is that it? I want to have a good I want you to like hit me with a hard conversation like I like what the fuck is a hard conversation with us I don't know like because then you can like clickbait it and be like Matt Best is really washed up I don't need to clickbait that that's already it's already a thing god there we go yes fuck yeah dude nice nice

I found out this is what I've been doing. Batty, have you noticed in the last 10 podcasts when I laugh, I do this? Yeah, you go all sorts of crazy. You're just all over the place. So it's not near the mic when I laugh because the comments are like, dolphin laugh is always, I can't hear the guests. Yeah, I'm like, I'm going to laugh back here. One of my bots is making a compilation of Eli's dolphin laughs because there's so many of them.

Do you know dolphins are one of the few mammals that have sex for pleasure? Yeah, and they do it to humans. Is there a dude or a chick that fucked a dolphin for a while? Whoa, no, probably. Dolphins unconsensually grape humans. They try to. Oh, they grape? Yeah, they do the grape and people are like, what the fuck? Yeah, the dolphins. There's a lot of videos of like, yeah, dolphins fucking trying to bang humans. What if he had sex with a dolphin who took his own life after heartbreak?

Wait, woman took- The dolphin killed itself after the woman fucked it too much. Wait, can dolphins- how? They're like the smartest things out there. Literally the smartest goddamn- Well, let's not- Someone didn't do push-ups. Orca whales are cooler, but dolphins are up there. There weren't enough dolphin push-ups that day. What can you try?

Dude, every fucking idiot on Instagram who posts crazy push-ups and days off. I hate you. That was... That was savage. They beached themselves. Oh, man. They just beached themselves like, shit, I'm in the same situation as Dave. I got golf guard twice now in this podcast. It's solid. I know.

You can see their struggle. Oh, he's sad. It's like he's got a blowhole. Well, now he has two holes. That's fine, man. That's cool. I don't want to choose you. You guys roughed me up on that one. Big shot.

No, I feel like we should- I should expand on that though a little bit, you know? Dolphin suicide? Dolphin suicide. No! I mean the intricacies of interception. I'm intercepting. Whatever. I don't have to make it right.

Oh, there we go. What are you expanding on, Matt? Nothing. Nothing. No, this is what people want. They want to hear Matt's best opinion. No, no. On dolphins. On open section suicide, my man. Yeah. Sorry, forever sleep. Yeah, we gotta. Monetize because of dolphins. I call it perma nap. Permanap? Permanap. Forever sleep, permanap? Permanap, yeah. I think we're gonna need to monetize either way. We've only had one, two. Two. We've had like eight.

We're eight? All right, I can spell Dominion. I can spell Dominion. F-J-A-N. He's like, what? Man got lift off. He doesn't even know why. That's the other half of Donut's superpower. Whenever anyone's a racist, he fucking... He walks in, he's not talking. He's like...

No, no, no, no, no. Which one of you fuckheads are thinking something? I'm so sorry, bro. What's yours? I run really fast. He's the brown streak. Yeah, I speed a lot. So he sits in front. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the brown streak. So you're right. Yeah. I mean, you get it when called the coming the brown streak. What are you? I don't have. I don't really. I don't think anybody gave me a name.

What is it again? I just, I'm super strong, but I come. Yeah. Pedo man is out of this, you know, let's see the kids out of this. So you come and you have super strength. No, I was right. But I come. Yeah. So like anytime it's activated, but like, yeah, I can bench whatever I want. But as I'm doing it, you're coming. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a cool name for you. Yeah.

Hmm. I don't know. The cum? We should just call you White Claw. It's like the Hulk. Because Claw is strong. White is cum. Did you ever see that? About the Hulk dick fucking that chick way back in the day? I know everybody knows it. But I always get served those random ads in like Pornhub and it's like a Hulk fucking some chick and I'm like, what populated? I've never watched anime. Yeah, it's just like fucking it's like a pillar. It's always a fucking ad. Oh,

Okay, well, I think that's because porn, this is actually an interesting topic, where your YouTube, for me, this is actually, yeah, YouTube, how it, like, for ads or anything, and videos you see it, like, hey, you would like this. Everyone browses Pornhub and everything on private, so there's no, like, specific, they're just like, I'm going to throw random ads at this dude. Maybe he likes it. I give my phone number. I don't do it on private anymore.

Oh.

Either do I? No. They know, they, I don't like, I'm not trying to run a VPN on there. They know my, they know my VIN number. Like we're good. My VIN number. Is the porn better? I just said, hold on. Can we make fun of me real quick? I just said VPN. I said my VIN number instead of IP. Yeah. And so I was, yeah. What does VIN stand for? They know my TRX fucking classification. Vehicle identification number. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Your vehicle identification number. I know. That's why I worked in the auto industry for five years.

I'm done. I'm over it. That was... I have a lot of issues with that girl.

What's your VIN? Vehicle Identification Number. So yeah, so it's redundant to say number, so okay. What's your VIN number? Yeah, so what's your VIN number number? That's your VIN number. What's your VIN number number? This is why Batty doesn't have friends. Yeah. There's a lot of reasons I don't have friends, but that's not one of them. I'm your friend.

He has one friend. I mean, now that I'm really washed up, I'm your friend. Ten years ago, we wouldn't be friends. Oh, God, no. No, no, I was like five years ago. I was like cool five years ago. Five years ago. But then I woke up and I'm like, dude, I got a giant dick, good cheekbones. I'm pretty fucking awesome. I'm not sure about your cheekbones. Yes, they are. Actually, yeah, the teeth are fake, but the cheekbones are real. Yeah. If you had fake cheekbones, I'd be like, what the hell?

If you're like another Do they make fake cheekbones? How do you all a hundred percent do have you seen the Kardashians you can do whatever you want? Oh shit, I think we should play a game where the loser has to get completely reconstructed physical surgery But like a hot girl like you could be a hot guy girl girl girl In someone the unsubscribe podcast if they had to go trans who would be it I

Probably donut. I feel like he has the frame. Some laser hair removal. Everyone's going to vote me because they see female Eli. They've seen female Eli and they're like, you're too stocky. He's too stocky. Yeah, but some dudes like that. I've seen it. He does all the girl Eli things. Yeah, I make a bad chick. You looked good. You looked all right, too. I don't know if we talked about this.

I had some actual like IRL old school friends of mine forever ago. In real life, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. IRL. In real life. Fucking, I hate this. Friends sent me photos. They're just joking. Memes. Yeah. And they were you in your wife's shorts. It was the photo of you with the M73, the grenade launcher. Yeah, yeah, okay. With Eli, I believe. And they're like, this is so funny. And I was like,

That's my buddy. What? I sent the photo of like you on the Zonkey and be like smack in your ass. I'm like, I know that. That's. Yeah. I almost didn't publish that photo. I thought it was funny, though. I mean, we got that. We got the bikini one where I added a bikini. I straight did like nude on the pool side. Is that the beach one? No. The pool one. Yeah. I've done a lot of these. I've done a lot of these.

Yeah, the pool one, I'm just sitting there and I'm like, "Yeah, Matt, you look good. Okay, perk your back a little more." Put your dick away. Yeah, you look good. Yeah. Okay, sweet. Okay, great. Who cares? And then we add the bikini. Do you always text during work? Is that like what you do? No, it's Darnell. Oh, oh. Darnell's my favorite. This is the other thing that's not happening, so it's fine. Okay, cool. I'll make sure it happens or something. Thanks, man.

Eli, can you clap for us since we haven't clapped in eight episodes? Hey, you know what I call the clap? 2016 for Matt. I got chlamydia in 2016. Did you really? Yeah. I feel like I'm going to reclap. You don't? Never had an SDI or STD? I had one because I play safe. Matt, do you want this on the podcast? What is safe? Matt, is this a podcast or are we? Yeah, it's a podcast. Okay. Never mind. Keep it on! It was Colorado. Jesus. Jesus.

Let's say those it was let's just say at the time it was Rocky Mountains. You know, I'm saying no, it would it was a chick off Tinder, dude. And like, did you go skydiving? We do not skydive. Tinder is what? Did you ride a bull named? No, you don't know this person. OK, no, this is this is pre this is pre you. I was doing a song for you. Skydiving. Rocky Mountain.

Oh, God damn. How did you ever get that? I would be like, how did you not get it? I was like, he's going to get it. It's going to click. But you never reference songs. You don't know it. You were right. Never mind. He doesn't know music. Yeah, I know. Autistic people are like brilliant in music. And I'm the opposite of that. That's the TISM shirt. It's TISM with two hands.

I'm over the fucking story. All I wanted to say is I met a bitch on Tinder. I fucking banged her with a condom. It broke. She said, don't worry. I don't have sex with anybody. And then the funniest part about this. Oh, that's actually a pretty good story. I forgot it was. So I'm there. I went to see my friend in Colorado. What are you doing? You were going on a list and I was keeping track. It's the tism. So the condom broke and I was like super scared.

Pulled out. You ever do that where you pull out and you're like, oh, fuck. Put another cone on. Finish my shit. And I'm like, we're good. I was like, it was like, I don't know how long. It was probably like three minutes. Like, you can't get anything for three minutes, right? So I fly back to fucking California where I lived. And I'm, so I'm sitting there and I'm getting like, I'm, I'm.

Yeah, I put a second condom on him. - Baddie's laughing 'cause you put a first condom on him. - Yeah, he didn't put condoms on me. Well, if I looked like you, girls wouldn't want my kids. So four days before, bro, four days before, I'm going to Iraq.

Wait, Iraq? Yeah, Iraq. What are you saying it like that for? Because if you've been deployed, you'd say that, right? I haven't. Okay. So it's 99% of Iraq is back? So Iraq. Iraq. Iraq. Iraq. Nobody says Iraq. All right. So four days before I'm getting ready to deploy, I'm taking a piss, dude. Batty, I'm taking a piss. I'm sitting there going like...

Huh? You know, like, we're like, like, cause you know how dudes think, right? Every dude in the world wants to be like, there's something wrong. I must go to the clinic. And I'm like, that's wrong. Nah, that's normal. And of course being a dude, I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. We give it two days. I sleep with another girl. I work on him. I work on him.

I swear to God, I've never told this story verbatim. She goes, she goes, cause I woke up in the middle of the night. We bang once. And I was like, ah, you know, I like, I wake up at four in the morning. Bear with you. I'm tell all right here. And I'm like, ah, I should fuck again. I start rubbing on her. And she's like, I know your types. Put another condom on for you. Fuck me again. I'm like, bitch, whatever. So I put a condom on, of course. And then the next morning I wake up and I was like, yo, it burns when I pee.

Do your eyes do this when you have that realization? Because I had a UTI once and I didn't realize. I was like, what is this? White eyes. So check this fucking crazy shit out.

I go to the fucking doctor, right? And I'm like, hey, uh, tell him the whole thing. I swear to God, this is 100% real story. I've never told this. I show up to the fucking doctor, the ER, the little fucking clinic that I used to go to as a kid that gave me stitches and shit. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, good, sir. Good, sir. Good, sir. I may have contracted a venereal infection. I think it's just like pneumonia for the penis. And he's like,

Okay. My dick's got a cold, bro. No, no, no. I swear to God, this is a real story. And he comes in and he goes, do you mind if my intern from Sweden comes in? Or where the fuck it was. I think it's Sweden. And I'm like, nah, whatever. Like, just another doctor from a cop. A smoke show. I swear to fucking God. Like, level 10 fucking, like, 1v1 on the end of Warzone map, fucking perfect. And I was like, okay. And he goes, just drop your pants and pull back your fucking dick skin. So I'm like,

And I'm looking at homegirl who's like the Swedish fucking Mariah Carey. I don't even know what you... I'm fucking like inspecting my cock. Christmas is coming. Who's Christmas? Mariah Carey. Oh, yeah. Christmas is coming. Yes, yes. So I have to pull my penis back, dude, and show it to the doctor. This like...

Old antiquated fucking 75 year old that probably hates his life with this fucking girl. He's probably having sex with to show him my dick. I'm like, how is this? Like, you don't like, you don't massage the chest to know if you have pneumonia. Why are you looking at my penis? I'm like, whatever, do that weird story. Leave the fucking office. I'm like, he's like, you're fine. Yeah, no, no, no, but they didn't do like the rapid testing back then. So I was like, Oh, I'm good. And he's like, you'll be fine.

You'll be fine. I'm like, cool. Two days later, I get in a plane. I fly to Iraq. I'm sitting in Iraq. I do not check any of my phone messages because I'm at work for like three weeks. I call Skype and I call my fucking phone. It goes, hello, Matthew. This is the public service announcement from Santa Barbara, California. You have not responded and you are at risk for public health. So they they I they called me and left a message saying I had chlamydia and

And then they reported me to the public health fucking clinic. So like, I'm a fucking fugitive on the loose at this point with chlamydia, just giving it to all the bitches. Right. And so like, I didn't know what to do. So I'm like, fuck, I walk into the nurse, this sweet Asian lady that worked in this tiny little fob. I worked at in the fucking bumfuck Egypt and Iraq and well, not bumfuck Iraq. You just say that you don't see Egypt. And I'm looking at her. I'm like,

So I have chlamydia. What is, I think you can give me a pill. She's like, well, how do you know that? So I'm like, my voice, like testify. She's like, cool. So this is the worst part. She hands me two fucking little pills and she's like, take these. And I'm like, can I drink on these? Can I do? She's like, yeah, you're fine. You'll be good in three days. And I'm like, I'm like, that's it. That's it. Two little antibiotics. And then all I did was I got back on Skype and I called the doctor's office at probably one in the morning in their time. And I'm like,

I'm in Iraq. A nurse gave me some penis pills. I ain't got the COVID of the dick. So call me back if you need anything. I never heard anything else. And then from that day forward, I was like, I gotta be smart with this thing. Sorry, that was a long story.

That's all real. I swear to God. Fuck that girl was so attractive. I'm sorry if you ever watch this Swedish girl, whoever you are, you were very attractive and I apologize for showing you my infected penis. I really hope she watches unsubscribe of all things. She's like, I really liked the unsubscribes. This gentleman looks very familiar. The COVID penis. I remember his penis. The COVID penis. Yeah. The COVID penis was very noticeable. Man, that's.

I tell ya. Crazy life. I hate- Dude, after- I will say- I've never told that whole story before. Dude, the most stressful time is after an STD check. That is the only time I've been in fucking war, combat, everything. It's the only time I'm like-

I feel like I'm walking out. You a champ. You a champ. It's a fucking UFC fight. I have 120,000 people fucking. I don't know what song's playing. I bet we've told the story about Donut. I don't know if we told this story. Can we tell? Does Donut know? I feel like we told it on the podcast already.

I think we did. I think we did. Or it could have been just breakfast. So, Daddy was fucking around with a lot of wild shit when he moved to Texas. And, yeah, like a lot of wild, it was, mistakes were made. Yeah. My boy Donut may or may not have been single at the time, and may or may not have been also fucking around with a lot of wild shit. Is that it? Mr. Donut went and took an STD test. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Totally clean. He was in the clear. Unfortunately, those tests don't come back immediately. So we're all at brunch and I'm joking. Talking about wild shit I'm doing. This man's having a panic attack.

Cause he's like, what if I got, what if I got the. No, I remember what started that story. What started the story? Can I say it? Yeah. A hundred percent. Okay. So this is. Give me the tis. Oh Lord. I was like, oh yeah. Cause Batty, we got a text. Like fucking midnight. He was like, bro.

Bro, I just went on Tinder date and this girl fuckin'- this girl hit me with like cuddlin' stuff, nothing- Oh my god, yeah! Nothing unfolded yet! The tattoo girl! Yeah, and the girl was like, "Hey, I got herpes." And Batty's like, "HUH!" She's already in bed with me. In bed with me! She's like, "Yo, this is the hardest part. I got the herp." And I was like, "AHH!"

I mean, if I can be honest. Thank God she told her. God bless her for being honest. She played it right. She's like, let me fucking, let me lure you and see if you make your decision on your health. But thank God she told you. I get so scared with that shit now. Because I don't know how you guys feel about it, but when I tell stories of the chlamydia thing that I had, thank God I got like,

I got the light version of things that could be like permanent and like clean bill of health dude like so lucky and then now when I think about those things I'm like fuck dude like I don't I'm so stoked to be like married because I'm like

I know that bitch got a good clean hell, like she's hot as fuck, it's like my chicks, my woman, like, and we just like, you don't have to worry about it anymore. Like, I, I, the single life was fun for sure, trust me, I lived it up, but man, that's a, you never know when you like, your dick starts sneezing and there's a sore, you're like, ooh, boys, boys and girls, wear, wear, wear condoms, be safe, like I'm telling you, it only takes once, it only takes once. Have you ever watched a movie, kids? No, thanks. Or don't. Those are the stories I'm just like, or don't. Or baddie, just don't listen to baddie. Steve over here,

Joe, Dave. You don't want to be Dave. Those are the only times, as I said. It was this chick told me after. Was it Hep C or no? Oh, no, no. So are you? It was like, was it face herpes or? I mean, none of it's good. It was definitely the. Oh, no. The vajage. Yeah. Yeah. So it was like, ha ha ha. We're in bed together. And you sleep on the other side of the bed.

Oh, you still slept there? No, she slept in, so she stayed over. Oh, so you just got a blowy. No. I got nothing that night. Matt's like, is there... Is there a vaccination for this? Because you should trust Big Pharma to tell you what's in your body. You're an amazing human. Thank you so much for being an absolute...

Gem on the honor system. And you know what they say? She's a real positive person. She was like, hey, man, just so you know, this is the hardest part. And I was like... That's great. God bless her, though. What? I just picture this. I had a... What's the hardest part? Dude, we're under the same blanket on the couch. And I'm like, eyebrows. Yeah. I had a girlfriend that I dated in high school. And then she came to visit me in...

when I was in the army, hung out one more time. And then I came back into Santa Barbara and went to hang out with her. She hung out with me. She had this huge sore on her lip. And this is the story she told me. She goes, I put teeth wideners in.

Burn my lip. It's like dumbest excuse in my life. Yeah, well I found out later She was like after like we'd gone our separate ways and for like the three years I didn't serious she went like I'm like a prostitute ring and then like randomly died So she like just fucking died like like 26 years old just straight died so I think I think she got in like drugs and shit, but I

I was like, it started with a herpes. It's like the devil's lettuce. It's a gateway drug. What's wrong with your lip? Curling up. Yeah. It's the worst thing that's ever happened. You know what I'm saying? You're like, where did you just go like this? Did you just hold it here for like, it looks about five minutes. She said she has her teeth whitening things, but sometimes the crest strips or whatever they're called burn her lips. And I was like,

Did you like- did you like sit down with yourself and make up a better fucking- a better excuse? R.I.P. Sorry, but you're dead now. So, like maybe- maybe re- rethink that. Yeah, be better, right? How'd you break your arm? Filing paper? And you're like, "What?" "Nah, that's not boys ball." "But you- OH FUCK!"

Honey, come on. No, we weren't dating at the time. It was just we went back in a date. She went on a date with full herpulence. That's when you show up to the date and you're like, you can't drink my water. Oh my God, is that Gatorade light? Can I have a sip? You're like... It's just a...

Can I try your chicken wings? No. Can I share your ranch? No. Can you eat gluten? Oh, no. Everything I'm eating has gluten in it. Oh, my God. This podcast is out of legs. Matty, close it down. You're watching the Elstrap Podcast.

Eli Doubletap, myself, Matty. And your new host, Matt Best. The new host. A very special, special guest. Matthew Best. You can find him on the internet everywhere under M-A-T-T, two Ts, right? Yeah, or just if you look on Instagram at Batty's mom's a squirt gun. God bless you guys. I'm out. You guys are going to record this whole entire time, huh?

I was trying to get my voice nice fucked up because I gotta record music tonight