3 - Ostrich Mustard
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Hi everyone! Eli DoubleTap here.

Me and Kings are going to get together and do some commercials. Are you really? You have such a good fucking voice, man. When I turn the radio on, it don't sound dead inside. Yeah, it's pretty fucking. Now it's back to dead inside. Yeah, we're back to. That was a hard turn back to I don't want to live. Hi, everyone. I have no soul anymore. That's me. I can tell. I come here. I'm like, ah, we're getting a podcast. We're going to be video. I'm going to do my hair. Get style. Batty's like, I'm going to wear a jersey.

And then Donut is like, what the fuck is wrong with how I look? I brushed my beard today. I know. Now I'm going. You did not brush that. That's the worst. There's a chunk missing out of the right side, Batty. No, there's not. No, there is. There's a chunk. There's a giant chunk out of it. No, it's fine. I took a nap.

Now you're self-conscious about your beard. Hold on. What's wrong with my beard? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't say I brush that and then have that. Okay, okay. Listen, it's fine. Look at it. We're good. Look at it. It was just tucked in there. It's still red. We got no shit in red.

Then we got Donut. He just rolled out of bed and walked downstairs for this podcast. My feet look good, man! Fuck you! I'm wearing the same clothes I've worn the past two days. Hair's no gel. This is where a good friend would be concerned. But instead we're gonna make fun of him. As I watch him pour whiskey in. Ranch water. Ranch water! You're right, we should be concerned. Have you given up? Ranch water. Have you given up? Ranch water.

We're just the worst product placements ever. They're never going to sponsor us. They don't! They don't sponsor us! Please sponsor us. This has been a running joke the whole time. It is. This is why they're not going to sponsor us, though, because we've already put in the work. Do you feel depressed? Are you low on life? Ranch water. It won't fix anything. 12 ounces of happiness.

Now we've been, everyone's just working all the time, streaming, playing Tarkov. Well, you guys just play Tarkov 24-7. I mean, I just play Tarkov. Cody does other things. Oh my God, dude, the new computer plays it so smooth. It's nice. I'm going to get into it. I'm quitting everything else and I'm becoming a Tarkov streamer, like Batty. Nice. Wow, you've given up on life really hard. I can see that. The clothing, the... But now you're just playing Tarkov. Tarkov breakdown videos. Tarkov.

This is where I got fucking smoked upon spawning into the map. Let's see what happens in a row. Okay, I don't want to poke the bear here, but remember that time you killed Landmark in Tarkov? Oh my god. Have you guys heard about the time I killed Landmark in Tarkov? I don't know if you've heard about that. You should do a shooting breakdown of that. I should. Oh my god. Name the video, The Time I Killed Landmark in Tarkov. Landmark sucks, lol.

69,420 just blaze kills. No, I have nothing against Mr. Landmark. I've never met him in person. But it's just, I killed him one time in dorms. He was toggle peeking me and I ran around the corner with a... MP7? No, it was the VSS and I had the SP6 ammo in there. Oh, that was MP7. And I was just like... And just mowed him down. And then what he does is like, he takes Tarkov so seriously. He's one of the best Tarkov players in the world, by the way, if you don't know who Landmark is. Because he plays way too serious. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He plays a lot.

And what he does if he dies and he feels like, I don't know, anytime he dies, he takes the clip of him dying and he rewinds it and he tries to break it down frame by frame. And he did that when I killed him. It was just funny because I'm garbage at the game and I just wrote him down. Zex killed Nick Merckx on COD in Warzone, man. Oh, yeah. I heard about this. Yeah.

it was just like he was a little angry he was he was he was definitely angry you or whatever he said that's one thing about call of duty that will forever be the greatest invention for game when you kill somebody you have that like that two seconds or that second of oh what the then it cuts them off because they're complaining about dying and they die they're like in a corner camping and then they're like you run in you like mow them down real quick and like camper and you're like

You're the one in the corner, bro. You have a fire going, bro. I'm breaking down your tent now. What are you talking about? You're trash. I killed you, bitch. Sometimes, you know, we've had it where...

We killed. It was the last circle. We killed everyone. We killed the last one. He's like, huh? It's a bunch of lumberjacks running around killing us all. That was it. And I was like, okay, I ain't even mad at that. I'm just happy. He's just happy. Yo, you the real Matt Best? Yeah. I. That's true. Like that happened in postcard. It was just. Yeah, he was just that. Okay, I'm cool with dying. You're like, God damn it. Every other time, though. Just bullshit. Hackers. You suck.

You just, you died. You literally died in the video game. There are some suspect stuff. I've even done suspect stuff where I was like, because you're a hacker. A hundred percent look like one. Like one where I'm just like, you're not that good at games. Exactly. I'm so bad. I never have to worry about calling hackers.

I've had ones, Gulag, I was like, wasn't noticing I was playing in the Gulag. I was like, da da da. I'm like talking to chat. I'm like, oh shit, Gulag. I just hit Q. I was spamming Q. That's it. I saw this. This was a clip of this, right? Yeah. I'm just spamming Q talking to chat. And I always try to throw whatever Q is. And it was a knife. And it was like, hey guys, what's going in? And the knife just goes and kills the dude. I'm like, I look back. I was like, oh, I just won. Oh, that guy's going to think I'm cheating off of that one. Because replay, it's like, I'm just like staring at a wall.

He runs and I just throw the knife instantly, just headshots him. Oh my God. I was like, oh yeah, that's a cheat right there. I remember me and Kings have both been called hackers in Tarkov before. It's like, have you...

Just sit here for 30 seconds and you will see how poor I am at this fucking game. Like, dear God, sir, I lose most of the time. Come on. You're good at first person shooters. Yeah. Yeah. Like coming in, he always was like great at Tarkov. Like from like, that was one of my favorite things that people used to talk to me about a lot. When you first started playing Tarkov with like me and Kings a lot.

To like now, people are like, dude, as soon as you figure out the maps, learn the maps, you're God mode half the time, man. You're so good at Tarkov. Thank you. You're good at shooters. Yeah, I did that. I did the Modern Warfare one with you guys and was destroying everyone until Freddie Wong came in. Yeah. Yeah. I was on the leader like at the top and then Freddie Wong came in and just started fucking my shit up. You're like, what the fuck? That was the most random day though.

That was during the charity stream last year. Oh and we all played COD together? Yeah. And I ran around we did the RPGs.

we did that yes we did that bitch and freddie freddie indeed that was the most random occurrence yeah we ran into them yeah you remember i couldn't get in your guys yeah it kicked me to a different one yep and they were in it and i was like hey uh freddie what i was like wait wait wait what the is like freddie and he's like eli i was like wait why is freddie and d playing in a match and like how did we get looped i was like uh we're doing a charity stream do you want to join like

Sure. Yeah. And they just joined off. That was like the most. Severus. Yeah. Most random occurrence of people just. Yeah. Locked in. Dude. Getting to meet Freddie was like, I still fangirl thinking about it. It's not good. Were you there when he was watching Danny sing? Oh my God. When, uh,

Okay. I haven't met Freddie in person yet. Well, Danny Warshnaw. Asking Alexandria. No, I didn't see him meet him. When he was... Danny was singing. And Danny's just singing over there. Everyone's like, having a good time. I look over at Benny. He's just like this. I was literally just like... I was sitting there like... So, for whoever doesn't know, we did...

We had a bunch of us over at Eli's house and Danny Worsnop, the lead singer of asking Alexander, one of my favorite bands for the longest fucking time was there as well. And he just started singing on stream with like eight of us in the room. And I just like turned and I got like the big puppy dog guys. And I was like, Oh my, that was your birthday, right? No, no, no. This was a, what was, why was I here?

We flew down. No, it was the BRCC grand opening. Yeah, it was the grand opening for me. Oh, I was there. Yeah, I was there. But I was just fangirling like a motherfucker. And this wasn't even the first time I've met him either. That was the first time I've been in the room when he was just singing and I was like...

Batty always plays it cool until afterwards. So like, yo, what's up? Oh my God. Danny Goodman walks away and then Batty turns to me and he's like, I just met Danny. I'm Freddy Wong. I gotta run a game. I gotta run a D&D game for Freddy Wong. And that was, I was like, I was so chill for the entire thing. And I remember talking to Eli after and he, you made so much fun of me. I was like, oh my God. I still, it's still fucking, it fucks with me, man. I,

I've been watching these fucking dudes like I've been watching Freddie Wong's videos on the internet forever. Yeah, it's weird I know it's trust me still weird to me. You were in video game high school. Yeah, I didn't know that Yeah, he's one of the shitty snipers right where you a shitty sniper was on the the bet the bad guys team Yeah, the law the four mains I was one of the mains on the like the front row the bad guys team and as the sniper plus a business guy Like earlier in this season. It was a weird

That's a weird transition. That's so fucking random, dude. What the fuck? We had a good time, though. I was super excited. Tarkov. Tarkov is... I don't know. Tarkov's a hard game. Yes. Absolutely. Tarkov is like... The learning curve is... It's a fucking cliff. It's a learning cliff. Yeah, a learning cliff. It's a learning stair. It's like, oh, it's a first-person shooter. I got this. Oh, there's no tutorial...

How do I... What do you mean I died? I lost my... Wait, where do I throw a grenade? What do you mean I have to check my mag? I'm out of ammo. I can't just reload. What do you mean? What's 7.62x39? What's a 5.45? What? 5.154? If you're not familiar with the game Escape from Tarkov, we're talking about if you die in the game, you lose everything you have on you.

armor, bullets, everything. And you have to like match bullet calibers to the guns. It's not like you can just pick up some blue ammo and it magically goes to your blue gun. You gotta know that your M4 takes 5.56. You gotta know your AK takes 7.62x39. You gotta know your M1A takes a 3 away or 7.62x51. Like you need to know this because there are some ammo types that are close where if you put the wrong ammo in the wrong gun, it will look like you're fine and then suddenly it doesn't work and then you're dead.

You can't shoot. You go into the game and you have the wrong ammo. And then vice versa. If you have shitty rounds. Yeah, because there's different types of ammo. You have your armor piercing ammo. You have your regular bunk ammo. You have your hollow points for shredding flesh. So if you're shooting hollow points that I do with armor, you're just stinging him with bees and he doesn't give a fuck and he's going to kill you. You've got to leg shot him if you have leg meta. Running around with shotguns is still my favorite thing to do in that game and I just blow people's kneecaps out.

Straight up. I was doing it all day. I was wearing a grenade launchers and shotguns like a piece of shit, dude. There's like this new shock of the game called the KS 23, which is like basically a four gauge shotgun, right?

It's like an old artillery barrel and you just run around with this fucking tank of a gun and you just, if you can hit somebody in the legs, they like their legs blow out. The rag dolls are the greatest thing. They just face plant in the ground and they die. Their legs are gone. And it is my, it's the, like you run into the biggest, fattest gear dudes and you just pop out. Your legs are gone.

Even if you don't kill them, they can't move very well anymore. They're just like... They panic, try to run for something, just pop up, hit them in the leg, and I'm like, now you're dead. Yeah, in Tarkov, you don't have leg armor, so you can spend a million dollars on your helmet and your chest, but... Your gun, your ammo, your meds, everything you need for a raid, but your fucking thick, fat, delicious, juicy legs are there for the taking. They're gone. They're gone. And that's one of those hard games, and I don't know about you guys, but like...

Getting those super difficult games. Games are either getting harder or easier as we get older. Games are not getting easier. Games are not getting easier. Because, you know, we got Tarkov, like we're talking about, first-person shooters. I mean, technology. Dark Souls. Dark Souls. Dark Souls isn't new, though.

Dark Souls 1 is not a new game. You're right, there's a newer Dark Souls out there, but that game isn't new. But it's 2010 past, so it's this decade, and that's when you've seen that shift of people. Because I think there was that time period where games held your hand. Tutorials would literally just... You had to play tutorials. You had to. And Dark Souls, Demon's Souls, Demon's Souls...

Do you actually guys know the proper name for that first one? No, I don't play those fucking games. They're rude to you. Demons Souls. Demons Souls? Is that just like a bad translation? I don't know. I always thought it was Demon Souls, but then I read the cover for the first time ever and it was like Demons Souls. Is that like a Mandela effect thing? Yeah. The Bernstein Bears? Exactly. Or is it the Bernstein Bears? Which one is it?

Those games were like that first time where it was like, yo, people want hard games and everyone bought into it. And they were like, yo, okay, this is how we want it. This is like super difficult. You had just that time period from, I think, PS2 to late PS3, early PS4. I didn't fuck with PS3 at all. I skipped a PlayStation generation. Yeah, I mean, I was so hard in on Xbox at the time, like.

I, I, I won the three Xbox 360. So that, that was all I did. But think of a hard game on that system. I mean, at that time I was just living the call of duty and Skyrim life, like Skyrim oblivion and then call of duty. That was it. That was 360 to PC. Yeah, exactly. Uh,

I had Xbox One, but I was already on the PC when I had the Xbox One, too. I kind of did both at the same time. I just think recently, that's when you had Demon's Souls, Dark Souls, Cuphead, and they started introducing these harder games. Fucking platformers, dude. Hurt me, daddy. Hurt me more. Hurt me more. MMOs have gone the opposite direction, though.

Because World of Warcraft, especially, used to be hard as shit and you didn't know what to do. And now it holds your hand. I think it's a different audience, though. It's catering to a different audience.

Yeah, but... You know, they're trying to get the new generation into it because we don't need that help. We've been playing MMOs since their inception. Yeah. This new generation isn't used to that type of game, so they need to open them up and make them a little easier to jump into for them to kind of get hooked. Because, honestly, like, look at it this way. We're looking at a generation that is growing up with mobile gaming for the most part. Oh, that's true. And you need to find that transition from a mobile game to a MMO. How do you get somebody who's used to everything being on their phone or...

or in that case, you know, playing a console to getting them hooked on a PC game. So they need to bring, I'm not saying they're dumbing the game down, but they're making it easier to get into this. You look at the, your end cap of, of wow, still your MMOs shit's still fucking hard, man. It is not easier. It's easier to get to end game and learn about end game.

But endgame's not easier, I don't think. And those endgames, well, now you literally just buy your character all the way up to level 100. And you get a free jump. You get a free jump, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, oh, I gotta grind 10 levels. And that doesn't take long at all. They know people want that endgame. So they're trying to get people hooked before they're like,

If they can get them in on that first expansion, they'll just buy the second expansion and they'll grind. They'll grind out to that one. But you need to get that initial audience hooked before. And the games, MMOs start at the end game. That's why I've always hated it. And that's probably like all of us hate it.

because it's that level 60 grind or whatever it is. You know your character class after first 10 levels. And now you're like, now I just have to grind this out for a shitty story. I don't give a shit about it. Same quest. Go collect 10 bear asses, bring them back. Okay, now I need three pieces of corn. The kobolds drop them out there. Kill 20 kobolds. Yeah.

But not the gray ones, the white ones. The gray ones don't drop the corn on the cob. And bring that back then. Okay, here is 20 pieces of gold and 1,000 experience. And you're like, cool. You have 14 more fucking times within an hour. Otherwise, you...

Cap out, sorry. Dude, that makes me think of World of Warcraft and the Barons. There's a famous quest for the Horde where you have to collect beaks from these ostrich-type creatures, and you need like five of them, but there's only like a 5% drop rate. So you kill 100 of these fucking things that clearly have beaks, but only 5% of them drop their goddamn mouths. Oh, God.

You always think of the random stuff those characters would drop. You'd be like, and I killed an ostrich. You got mustard. Why do I got mustard now? Why is he carrying mustard on? Like none of the loot table ever made sense in those games. You got candle wax. Why does this ostrich have a dagger? Exactly. That's the thing. What did you eat, sir?

God bless those old games. It's not old games. That's new shit too though. Like that is true. You know, like weird loot tables have never changed. Like,

I remember playing, so I tried getting back into Elder Scrolls Online for a little bit because I'm such an Elder Scrolls fiend. And I just like, I need more. And you kill fucking like tigers and shit and they're just spitting out armor. I'm like, did you eat somebody's servant? Were you wearing the armor? Like, that was not an armored kitty I just murdered. What the fuck? That is true. Those old MMOs, it's like you killing a dragon and it's giving you pieces of armor.

armor. I think some of the later ones did a little bit better. You got the crafting materials. Or you named armor that was built off his scales and shit like that. I remember Final Fantasy XI one of the most expensive pairs of boots was Leaping Lizard Boots.

and it's just a lizard why do you remember leaping lizard boots because it's the name because you had to kill the leaping how much fun was the 11 did you play way too much like 70 days in game there's a shitty level five or level six lizard that was out and you kill it and it dropped leaping lizard boots at least it matched the name but they were a perfectly pair of boots that you got to put on right after killing this creature but it's like stuff like that where you're like ah this is

Maybe just give me the skin and then I'll craft the whole thing. Okay. I think Monster Hunter did that well though. Like everything was crafting materials to make cool shit or. And the weapons look like it too. Dude, the weapons. I wish I enjoyed Monster Hunter more. The weapons in Monster Hunter were the coolest fucking things in the world.

When you killed the dragons and you made a sword from that dragon material. It was a dragon tooth in your claw or something. Yeah, they made him bone. Yeah. I was like, this is baller. Like, all the armor looked like the creatures you killed. Yeah. This makes sense. Versus...

Majority of games. And it kept you on your armor look gangster, where you go on a lot of MMOs and you have patchwork running around. It's like, I have my flip flops on. Before like Transmog and shit. Yeah, I have a pair of pantalones that are pink.

awesome armor on. I have fingerless gloves and a mohawk. Like a real man. Real men wear fingerless gloves, by the way. And you have to walk around in that embarrassed. I hated that in MO. It's like walking around looking like a banana. But at the same time, people would make fun of you for your goofy looking ensemble and then you'd shit fuck them. Yeah. So you'd be like, hello sir, you look like an idiot. And you'd snap their neck. I'm like, now who's the idiot? Dead guy. Yeah.

Jesus, man. I don't know. I love old, hard games. I still think old, old games, NES. You missed that era of fucking difficult games. That's the thing. You didn't know. He didn't know about Nintendo. Jason on Nintendo. Jason. Freddy Krueger on Nintendo. Gools and Ghosts. Super Gools and Ghosts. Hot Guns on Nintendo. Sorry, I was busy looking at Lara Croft's triangle tits and fucking Tomb Raider nerds. Okay, that T-Rex was scary as shit on that first Tomb Raider. Raccoon.

I remember I was one of the weirdos that had a Sega Saturn and that was one of the first games I got on it was Tomb Raider. Okay, okay. This is going to get me yelled at. I already know it. Was the Saturn or was it the Genesis that had the little...

memory cards and the fat ass controller. Dreamcast. Dreamcast. It was a Dreamcast. There we go. Nevermind. Okay. No one had, I don't think I knew. My buddy had that thing. Dude, the Dreamcast was so ahead of its time. It was so sad that that console just flopped. It was so good. What's crazy is they went, went, went,

Sega canceled or anything because they didn't take off. They dropped this console price to like 50 bucks a console. It was literally like dirt cheap. You can probably find them on eBay for like 30 or 40 bucks. Dude, the Dreamcast was so ahead of the fucking game and it flopped so goddamn hard. Why do you think it did that?

I'm sure there was a reason. I just don't know it. It was the first system that had like Phantasy Star Online. Online capability. Dude, holy shit. It did everything. And the games, phenomenal games for that system. It just, PS2 crushed everything when it came out. When the PS2 launched, they were like, yo, we have a PS2.

oh, this is just going to crush everything. And that's what happened. And then I think Xbox came out at the same time. So it was just trying to compete with those systems. And it wasn't as powerful. Even though it was cheap, just people didn't want it. And they were like, ugh. But that system was phenomenal. Sega Saturn...

Yeah, that was I don't know I was the only one that had that everyone else had a Nintendo 64 because I think the site the Sega Saturn released around the same time I yeah, yeah, I was around the same time I didn't have a 64 but the Sega Saturn did have the games where you had the little gun and you could shoot at your TV Oh, yeah virtual cop. It was a virtual cop virtual cop is funny shit Hello, virtual cops need for speeds for it Sega Saturn had some really good games like going I mean out launch and

But it was like Sega CD and then the Sega Saturn came after the Sega CD. Yeah, there was a Sega CD. That's another obscure one, kind of like the Dreamcast that no one really had. So I was just kind of looking it up. The Dreamcast failed partially due to terrible advertising, I guess, where they were competing against the PlayStation and they were just like,

Go ahead and buy a PlayStation, but what about the Dreamcast? This is terrible. I guess financial issues at Dreamcast were making them a pain to make or some shit. I don't know. There was just like 10 reasons why they failed so bad. But one of the reasons they failed was they had online architecture long before anybody else. People just didn't understand the technology. No, because it was literally, they had a modem built.

Dreamcast was cool as fuck, man. Oh, they also had no EA Sports titles, which all the other consoles had. They had to use 2K games. Oh, yes. That's why. Because they didn't have the rights to it. And they're like, no, you have to make your own series completely separate. Sega CD had the Dolphin game on it. It was the first one to have the Dolphin game. Echo Dolphin. Echo the Dolphin. Yeah. Well, they had a bunch. So you had also, if you want, a weird system was the Atari Jaguar. It was the first 64-bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. I remember that. Atari Jaguars. Dude.

64-bit was to rival the Nintendo 64. It had some of the most trash video games you will ever find, especially the fighting series. They tried to rip off Mortal Kombat. They were just like, oh, we're going to rip off Mortal Kombat games, and they just made the lineup of fighting games was like, Ted, the janitor. And it's like, Ted comes from a... He's a janitor, and he's like...

And he has a broom. Oh, no. Dude with gun. I remember the box now. Yeah, that guy. Dude, what was the handheld? Game Gear. Was it a Game Gear? It looks like a Nintendo Switch, but it was fatter. The Game Gear was gigantic. It was like a handheld thing, right? You could put Sega cartridges in it.

no i wasn't that links it was the links my uh stepdad had a links that i used to fucking steal and i would just hide in my fucking basement playing that shit yeah because i had a bright ass screen it took like 16 double d batteries it was like it was just like hooking up a car battery to it like sweet and then uh the not the no the 3do i think was the the expensive dude

No, the Neo Geo. The Neo Geo. Oh, Neo, you're Geo. The Neo Geo was like the best ports. It was an arcade port home console. So like all the games were like home ports when you got them. You're saying so many things I haven't heard in so long, but like I can kind of picture them in my mind. I was not born yet. Neo Geo, this is like, so they had Samurai Showdown. They had like Street Fighter. And they were like complete perfect. How do you remember this shit so well? Because this is my childhood. Dude, I don't remember my childhood that well. Oh, okay.

What the fuck? Hold on. They're expensive, bro. Those games. Donut. Coming out, those games were $700 at release. The video games are $700 a piece. Oh, crap. Okay, so in 1980 money, that's like $1,000, $2,000, $3,000. That's a lot of money. Neo Geo console with 21 games on eBay. Guess how much? $20,000. $30,000. $25,000.

Price is right. I win. Lowest I'll go over. 25K. And that's open. That's not sealed. That's nothing. That is open. What the fuck, dude? That's not sealed. That's nothing. That is just open. Hey, here we are. And you're like, hi-ya. Dude, I just fucking played this shit out of Game Boy stuff. Like, I had an N64. Then I had a PS2.

And the amount of Game Boy stuff, like, I was a Game Boy kid. That's what I did. Because I was always getting kicked out of the house. Fuck you, Dad. Look what I do now. Ha! He used to yell at me all the time. Being like, you're not going to make anything if you just keep playing these games. I'm saying my Mexican dad. You still don't understand what I do. And you still offer me help. Weirdo. Yeah, my white dad's the same way. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I send him pay stubs. I'm like, hey. Show off. Look at this. Dude, my dad tells people I do porn. He's like, what are you doing? People watch you online? I'm like, yeah. He's like, it sounds like porn. I'm like, okay. But I'm wearing clothes. He's like, sounds like porn. Your mom thinks we do porn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've definitely been asked if I'm gay. I'm not. Nothing against that. But I love boobies.

It's why Donut has a nice pair on his back. There we go. Oh my God. Tattooed. Ew. Oh my God. What? Ranch water. God bless. These people will never sponsor. No, they're never going to. Who should we bully into being on the podcast to shill ranch water for us? Oh yeah, we need to find guests. Yeah. We've had people like, you need X, Y, and Z. I'm like,

Okay, but people that we need to, no matter, out the gate, let's lower expectations. Who do you want? That's reasonable? Fuck that. Anybody you want on this podcast. Post Malone.

Okay. You said anybody. Let's get Post Malone on the podcast. Dude, it would be like looking at two donuts. Where do our guests sit? Do they sit on your lap? Yeah, absolutely. I'd want them to sit side by side and 100% make you have matching tattoos that day so people can see how close you guys look. We can do all our doppelganger. We'll get Seth Rogen then. And then I'll get Joseph Gordon-Levitt. There we go.

And we're good. We'll just have that. Imagine we have a podcast one day and all three of them are sitting here. We're just staring at each other like...

They're like, why'd you guys do this? We just wanted our doppelgangers. We don't actually care about you as individuals. Post, could you shut your fucking mouth? Okay, Seth, don't laugh. Stop, please. Okay, okay, okay. If we're going to really have somebody on the podcast, we're here in Texas. There's content creators all around us. Yeah, that's why we came here. Demo? Yeah, well, character. Yeah, Demolition Ranch would absolutely come.

Oh, I was gonna hand you. Okay. I think demo would be a fun one. We can make that happen. Guys, we can make fun of him for being such a filthy casual gamer, too. Go on to his last post and bug him until it happens. Yeah, just ruin some of his content. Is this bullying? We're bullying people. That's what we do. We bully. Oh, his brother's here, too. Drewski's like the biggest gamer ever. We could get Drewski on here. Have you seen his mustache? Uh-uh.

I saw it a while back. Is he still growing it? It's like Eli growing a beard. It's never going to get any better. It's there. It's there. We got Operator Drewski. We got Demo Ranch Operator Drewski. We got all the BRCC fucking boys. Best is definitely going to come on because we already know he's a huge nerd. He's a fucking nerd, dude. People are surprised. Everyone's like, wait.

He plays video games? Completely threw me away. Yeah, he's six foot two, good looking, an amazing singer, musically talented, driven and everything. But yeah, he plays video games too. Fuck. You mean every day he doesn't just drink whiskey and shoot miniguns and hang out with hot girls in bikinis? Really? Well, no, he does that every other day. Fucking mad.

They gotta be good at everything. They gotta be good. And he crushes Warzone, too. The games he takes serious, he is goddamn good at them. That's why I'm like, oh yeah, homeboy used to play tournaments and stuff growing up. Just nerdy old Matt. I was like, God, we would have been such good friends growing up, all of us. There was another dude that just visited that was a big gamer. Fuck, who was it? No, you know Disaster? 18 Disaster? Nope. He runs a meme page. He's a ranger.

Oh, he was on the Free Range American podcast. Yes. That other shitty podcast. Exactly. Exactly. If you've never heard of the shitty podcast Free Range America, absolute terrible. Not sure who even is in charge of that one. We could have Evan on here too. He's a huge gamer. He would just shit on us the entire time. You know who's been asking to come out? Leon Lush. Oh yeah, Leon wants to come out. I fucking love that human so goddamn much. The tomato. The tomato.

Yeah, Tomato Mafia. Dude. Leon. Swagger Souls would probably come out. I'd have trouble not fangirling a little over Swagger Souls. Just like a little. I'll be fine. He wears a helmet. It's fine. Do you know Swagger Souls? Oh, buddy. He's the best rapper in the game. Wellen just entered the chat. Okay, listen. Do you know Wellen?

We might be able to get Wellin now. Wellin's a friend of mine. Yeah, we just got a... We got connections, man. Hi, Clean. Clean's only five minutes away and we didn't mention him. Yeah, we got Freddy. Definitely a bit on it. Will would come on. Who? I'm kidding, Will. John?

John? Your child? My son? He's a huge... He could never listen to this podcast. He runs a Roblox enterprise. He does. Oh, that's a good story. I'm not going to tell the whole story now, but we are going to have John on and his...

Okay, I don't know what he's doing. He can't hear us. We're going to have John on one day, my 11-year-old, because he stole nearly $5,000 from me and spent it on Roblox. Robux. Robux. It's a game Roblox, but he bought Robux, which is in-game currency. And we're not going to go too much into it, but...

He's balling on Roblox. I just want him to sit next to me and be like, so Robux, huh? Just watch him shut down. Because that's what he does. He shuts down when you start talking about Robux because he's so ashamed of what he did. As he should be. Oh my God. Could you imagine the whooping? First of all, if your family had that much money. But if you had spent that much money or any amount of money that you weren't supposed to spend. I remember getting yelled at like,

On my phone, my old brick Nokia, when I'd accidentally go over my minutes when I was like 17 and just get – just screamed at. I'm like – I sent one text message over the limit. That's like $40. Thanks, Verizon. I remember I broke somebody else's skateboard or something happened, and my family had to buy a deck for that person, and it was like $60. You didn't eat for a week? And they were like –

I was like, what did I do? I didn't mean to do it. I'm like, that's $60. Now I look at it, I'm like, man, Ryden spoiled every life. I'm like, God, these kids will get away with murder now because of this. But whatever. I mean, I still hit him with like a sack of oranges. Yeah. Because it doesn't leave bruises. Yeah, of course. I stopped. Ryden doesn't understand.

But it's fine. We figure out new methods for punishment. I don't have children. When are you going to have children? Let's just... No. I don't want him. I'm a ginger. We're not supposed to reproduce. It's frowned upon. You know, it's frowned upon. I don't need this continuing. I was a terrible child. I never wanted to deal with me. Who else did we move here to hang out with?

I know we're forgetting somebody and we're going to get fucking crucified. Yeah, it's someone cool that we hang out with all the time probably. We get Crispy on here too. We get Crispy. Oh my God. He's so bad at games too. Yeah. It's the burnt fingers. I know. It's the nubs. The nubs really do it. He was with us two nights ago and he joined in the lobby and he's like, oh, you guys have a full... Or we weren't even full. We were waiting for somebody to join and they were like, you want to hop in? And he was even like...

Nah, you guys have too spicy lobbies for my Elo. Because he's trying to play with us and it's like, okay, go. And he like steps out. So like for whatever, if you don't know what that means is a lot of these games have skill-based matchmaking. And if you play with a lot of really skilled players when you go into games, it matches with other players that are super fucking good. So unfortunately, if you're the shitty friend in the group, you get matched with people that are really good and you just kind of get bent over the whole time. So it's like...

Unless you're into getting fucked. Yeah, because it's such a difference. And that's why people are like, how do you get good at it? It's like, play with higher ELOs and then learn to move to keep cover. Because we're in diamond lobbies now. All our player base is like diamond. So it's like everyone's a fucking monster at...

War zone. Everyone's just... If you're in bad positioning, if you're running out, if you make a mistake, they'll capitalize on you and get killed. Oh, yeah. Fuck, dude. Our buddies come in and they're like, oh, this is gonna be fucked. And they're like, what happened? It's like, how you doing today, bait? Because that's what you are. Right in the open. What do you think was gonna happen? That was a terrible push. And we get to see... We started doing...

viewer warzone lobbies because you can do oh man that's rough well we just get a change so the rule is we just you hit random and that's your team so you don't get to choose your teams but we did a wager we were doing random we join in you play with the individuals and you get to see the play style of everyone else because we play aggressive yeah aggressive most games aggressive is the way to go and they're like i'm landing and i'm already like okay we're ready and they're like uh

does anyone need a knife or a grenade? I found both on the ground. I was like, why the fuck are we having this discussion? We need to be going. We got to move. Wait, right now. I'm yelling at people. I'm like, come on. What are you doing? Is he AFK? We need to kick him if he's AFK. He's just, he's looking at a wall right now. We've been here for 10 seconds. Get the fuck out of here. I'm like, I'm so aggressive on this game. And, uh,

And we were having fun. Everyone's like winning or whatever. Everyone's losing, actually. But then we did a wager. It's like, okay, it's Callie, Zex, and me versus every other team. Winner gets $500. Who's Callie? One of our other buddies we play with. Callie's like, Callie, I don't know. He's just, his character, he's like, hey, man. What's up?

Oh, so he's from California. Yo, yeah. Okay. I was like, Cali, you high as fuck. Dog, I don't smoke weed, yo. I never. And he gets in his vehicle and it's a weed camo. And the paint job turns to the weed camo. I was like, uh-huh. You don't smoke, you say. Because, huh. 420. He's like, nah, it's just a joke. Ah.

But he's a monster. Monster at the game. Like homeboy wreck. God damn it. And we were like, us four, everyone else. Winner gets $500. Winning team gets $500, $100 a piece or whatever, $150 a piece. Plus Matt was going to donate $1,000 to any charity of their choice for whoever won. The charity of my life. So every, dude, instantly, it was like we all landed. You just see every team's like kill, victory.

Them. First. We murdered everyone. It was like the Hunger Games started real quick and you were being hunted. Yeah, we murdered everyone. We won. They were like... And then the next round, we were like, okay, we'll change the rules. We'll do this. All you versus us. Murdered. And then after that, we're like, okay, we can't do this anymore. This is not fair. You're just bullied. You're bullied. You know what that was? Pub stop matches back in the day. It was. It was a pub stop match. When you were a ranked good player and you'd go in and just fucking murder the fucking...

Do you remember Christmas noobs? Oh, yeah. Right after Christmas. Everyone got their Xboxes and Playstations. Brand new. Right after. It's like the two weeks, three weeks after Christmas. The old noob harvest. Straight up. It was the great. January was the best month to be like a good gamer, whether it was Call of Duty or Destiny or whatever the fucking new game it was or old game.

Oh my god. You never felt better at a game than like a month after Christmas. There was just a video about that with the new Star Wars game because it came out free. Yep. Whatever the battle one is. The Battlefront? Battlefront. I think that's the new one, right? No. What's the...

Where there is Jedi that's like a special unlock. Battlefront 2? Yes, maybe that one. That one became free a week ago or two weeks on Steam or whatever platform. Oh, so everybody got it other than the new harvest. Yeah, exactly. It came early this year. That was one of the clips. It's like, I love new players. And it's like somebody running at a Jedi and the dude's playing a normal character. And he just waits for the Jedi by a corner. And the dude lunges and he just steps. And you just see him fly off a cliff. Yeah, off a cliff.

He just eats himself off a cliff. He looks down and he just runs away. I was like, oh yeah. That's so rude. Is there any other good games you guys are looking forward to playing soon? Dude, Hitman 3 just came out like two days ago. That was one of those games that I grew up playing a ton of. Hitman 1 and 2. Which one was Blood Money? Hitman Blood Money. Was that 2? Oh my god. That game was wild, man.

Shout out to Sheriff Eli for that clip you sent. Holy shit, man!

He's dressed up as an undertaker. And he goes into the bush. He's like, they're looking for an undertaker, but they'll never know. I'm already a county away. And he turned into a clown. And Ronald McDonald ran off into the sunset. I love Sheriff Eli. Guys, please go follow Sheriff Eli and watch his live streams. He is...

The funniest person on Twitch by far. Comedy gold. You sent that. I was dying. Wait, Sheriff Eli's in Texas. Oh my God. He's in Dallas. Yeah. Is he? Yeah, he's in Dallas, I think.

Sheriff Eli, please come be on our podcast. Has anyone seen his face? Yeah. He goes to cons dressed up like a cop and shit. It's fucking awesome. That is amazing. He wears the fucking wide bra. I 100% would love him. That dude is comedy gold. Yeah, he's amazing. I've only done a couple things with... I've played a few. I think it was with you or with...

Tarkov. Yes, Tarkov. We all played Tarkov. Yes, I was in there before. I didn't get to play with him, which is really a bummer because he's another one that's really cool. Oh, Matt was there. That was Matt Best on that stream too. Yeah, we had Matt. Was clean part, was it like a sweaty five man thing? Because clean plays with him all the time. We did labs with him a couple

time. Yep, that was it. Yeah, that was fun. Sheriff Eli's a great guy. He got his start from Grand Theft Auto role-playing servers, didn't he? Yeah, because he's a cop. I don't know if he got his start from it, but he blew up. That's what made him do it. Because he would RP a cop on the server. He was amazing at it. People would try to stream snipe him and shit just to get the interaction and shit. It was wild, man. GTRP fucked

Shit's crazy. I might have to play Hitman. I don't know. I'm playing Dragon Quest IX right now. How many Dragon Quests are there? Apparently nine, but I think that's like Street Fighter where they say there's five. I mean, Dragon Quest VII. I remember Dragon Quest VII came out in like fucking 2005. So there's got to be more in there. We're at Street Fighter V. Just remember that.

There's technically only five Street Fighters, minus there's actually 40 or 50 of them, if you look at like... No shit. Yeah, because you've got like Street Fighter 2, Street Fighter 2 Turbo, Street Fighter 2 Hyper Turbo, Street Fighter 2 Japanese Turbo Edition, Street Fighter 2 Street Fighter Edition. You get like... Capcom. I wish I was... Look up how many Street Fighter 2s there are. You're going to be like, oh, Eli's telling me. How many...

Street Fighter 2. So was that your shit growing up? Was fighter games like that? Oh, bro, I can murder in some fighting games. Yeah, I've seen you play Mortal Kombat. You destroyed my 11-year-old. He came to me that night after you beat him so bad. He's like, Dad, I've committed suicide.

No, you destroyed his ass. That's funny to say. I love seeing him being humbled. Yeah. I was like, what do you want me? I'll beat you with uppercuts alone, John. And I didn't. I was just like waiting for John. Eli said, too close. Too close. Too close. Okay.

I will humble people and fight against my jam. My John John's over there like looking like he's going to cry and I'm like you remember that one time you called me out for having a dead girlfriend. This is what that felt like. So real quick Street Fighter two games Street Fighter two the World Warrior Street Fighter two champion edition Street Fighter two turbo hyper fighting Street Fighter Super Street Fighter to the new challengers Super Street Fighter two turbo. So we're on the second turbo.

uh, hyper street fighter to the anniversary edition, super street fighter to turbo HD remix and ultra street fighter to the final challenge. Why is he so good?

That's what they do to all of them. They're like, we're going to make one. What the fuck? And then we're going to change it slightly and charge $50 every time. And you're all going to pay for it. It's like titles from the Rick and Morty alternate universe TV show. Two brothers and an armada of aliens and grandmas. They just keep adding words. Like I said, here's $50. And that's what I love. Do you remember when games used to be like, what, $30? Yeah.

Game Boy Advance games used to only be like $20. Do you remember when Electronic Boutique, like EB Games, they sold used computer PC games, but they didn't realize you could clone them and take them back. So I would go in there and be like, oh, Half-Life. Oh, this game. I'd go clone them in my DVD drive and bring them back and be like, I don't like this game.

I'm like, okay, dude, EB Games. I forgot all about EB Games. What are they? Babbage's. Babbage's was before EB Games because Babbage's turned into EB Games. Yeah, and then they sold, I think they sold out to GameStop. I would assume that was GameStop that took over everything. And then GameStop died. No, they're still alive. I went and bought Pokemon cards at one, two days ago. They were bankrupt, didn't they? They filed for it. I feel like they just closed a metric fuck ton of stores due to COVID. Yeah. Yeah. Take in...

I don't know, $400 worth of games, they'd be like, all right, you can get a $50 game off of this credit. It's like, here's $45 cash or $60 in store credit. It's like how Pokemon cards are gambling for children. Yeah, I just gave you an RTX 3090 and you gave me $30 in in-game currency? What am I going to do with this? Buy some sweet jets on Roblox. Like my son.

Fucking A, man. God, Davages is such a... Yeah. I love going to those... That and rental stores. That's a whole different episode. I think we'll save that. Going to rental stores was...

That's too old for my blood, bro. You didn't go to... Okay, you gotta remember, I grew up in Vermont. Video game rentals? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, oh, oh! Blockbuster. Okay, okay, sorry, sorry. You can even rent Nintendo 64s and stuff from Blockbuster. I know. I forgot about that shit. Jeez. Dude, that was... Like, that set up a weekend. It was like Friday after school. Yep.

That was my treat every Friday. It was called Nils because I grew up in rural Atlanta. Mine was a Showtime video. Yeah, it was called Nils. And my dad would pick me up from school and he would rent me one Nintendo game every Friday. And, you know, Nintendo games were hit or miss back then. So sometimes you would get one and it was just fucking terrible for the weekend. It was all cover art back in the day. Dude, the boxes. Oh, man. It's a garbage fucking game.

And that's what the worst part was is like a lot of the garbage, like it would look so gangster on the cover. You're like, this game is going to be the greatest game of all time. And then you play it and you're like, I fucked up. Okay. The Simpsons games on Nintendo had the best cover art. And I watched the Simpsons with my dad like twice a week. But those games on the Nintendo were fucking garbage. And I was stuck with them for 48 hours.

I just started after a while. I like, I like got taught my lesson and started just renting super Mario world three every single weekend. I want a year. You're like, I just want to know these old games. Like some of the, the box art, Batty, look up mega man one box art. Cause I swear the artists, they were just like,

They just hired a team or an artist and they're like, Mega Man 1. Yeah, and you're like, okay, what's the game? The artist didn't ask questions. They were just like, it just said Mega Man 1 and the dude just got to interpret the title and draw it how he wanted. Lasers and man in space suit. Yeah, like I'll hold up a picture on this. I mean, we'll throw it up on the screen. But it's like, it's a dude in a gold and blue outfit with a 9mm pistol, which Mega Man has...

No guns with like space Miami in the background. There's peaches in the ground and palm trees in the background. Like, and that was all the art back in the day. It was just like nothing to do with the game. It's like, well, does Mega Man use a pistol? Sure. Now he does. I mean, Mega Man two wasn't any better.

I mean, at least he's blue. Yeah. And he still has a gun though. I just love how he always has a gun. I mean, I think you can like attribute all that to just the cash grab for how big video games were becoming in that era. It's like, you know, Super Mario World 2, how it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

That was never meant to be a Mario game. Nintendo was, or someone was making a game and Mario 1 was so successful, they were like, well, we found this other thing. Doki Doki. They were like, let's put our Mario characters into it and just say it's Mario World 2. And that's why Super Mario World 2 is so fucking weird and makes no sense. I had no idea. So Mario 2 was Doki Doki, Doki Doki, Xscape or Doki Doki action. I forget, it was Doki Doki something. And what happened is they created Mario 2 for Japan.

And it's literally Mario 1, harder version of Mario 1. Yeah. Did really good in Japan. They did a test in United States with it. And then that's when the American dude, I forget his name, that was part of Nintendo America. He was like, yo, this is fucking hard. No one's going to like this. Like, this is just America. This is Mario 1, just really hard in different levels. So the Japanese were like, well, oh, yeah.

Let's reskin Doki Doki. And it's a separate game completely. And they're like, just reskin this and put Mario characters.

Call it Mario 2 and they launched it and it did really good and they're like, oh, let's see we fixed it We made Mario to Doki Doki Escape expansion whatever it's called and that's literally what happened with a no idea. That's glad to know that we're all still fucking stupid Great Dinosaurs with big hole mouth spitting out eggs everywhere. It's so weird. Like it had nothing to do with anything flying tar pits Yeah, Bowser was not a boss. Mm-hmm

Really? Yeah. I don't know. Bowser was... That's the only one Bowser's not a boss. Like, period. He's just not in the game. Yeah. It's a Toad thing. Yeah. And then 3 was just a work of art. I could go back and play with Super Mario World 3 anytime, any day. 3 set the tone. Watching speedruns, that's...

freaking ridiculous oh yeah guys if you've never watched a super mario world 3 speed run go watch it right now because it's only like 8 minutes long but it's 8 minutes long jesus man they get the first flute off the second level and then they skip to the last thing and they just the skull hand grab and then they're good and they're like okay we're done and we're golden I mean I think that that's it that's all she wrote today that was a good one that was a fun one you're a good one

You're not a fun one, though. Say bye to everyone. Batty, where can we find you? It's Batty Streams, right? Fuck off. I hate everything about all of you except for... Batty Streams at Gmail. That's not it. Batty Streams. That's not it. Instagram. BattyStreams.Angelfire.net Angel Fire. Oh, man. Geocities. Do you remember Hotmail? Hotmail. I still have one. Yeah, hi. I'm Batty. Goodbye. Batty Streams on Gmail. Not Gmail. We got him saying it now.

I'm Eli underscore Nevel Tap. God damn it. Bye, everyone. Dog Nut here. I love you. And done.