199: A Chaotic Distraction..
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Okay. Here we are. We are here. We are here. Here are we. Are here we. Here we are. Yes. Episode 199. Insane. 199 is pretty good. It is insane. We will be celebrating our four-year anniversary in February. Episode 200 next week. For the show. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We're six years deep. But it's just very surreal. And it's exciting. I mean, this year is going to be a really good year. But I don't know, I'm kind of in a weird headspace. Even though there's so much exciting stuff on the pod, LA has been obviously in a really, really tragic, terrible spot this past week. And so...

I don't really have a theme for today's episode. I just wanted a nice, healthy distraction. I'm sure there's many of you guys out there who are probably in the same boat, whether it's because you live in LA, whether it's because you live in North Carolina, or maybe you're somewhere across the globe and dealing with a tough time. But

People cope with things in a lot of ways. And so I'm hoping today we can provide some relief with these crazy stories. The only thing that I had kind of in mind for this assortment is like, who's being too hard here? Like, is anyone being too hard? Is like he being too hard on her or vice versa? Or, you know, so I'm like, life feels hard. So I'm hoping this episode can bring relief

you guys a lot of distraction. But that being said...

We did have a Google form that we asked you guys to go fill out if you needed something to start you off on this new journey this year, 2025. And we have so many submissions. So if you go to the link in the description this week, you will find the Google sheet of all of the submissions that

Whether it's a link for their Amazon wishlist, their Venmo, a cash app, you'll find that. You'll find a little bit of what they're going through or what the person they nominated is going through. I know I did check yesterday and we did have some LA fire victims. We have people that

lost a partner tragically and just need help with diapers and formula. So there's a lot in our own community, in our own backyard that can use a little support and uplifting. So if you feel like you're in a good place right now and you want to help, I mean, buying someone a pack of diapers could

turn things around for them. So, you know, feel free to pitch in as you can, but you'll find the link for that Google sheet where you can see everything in the episode notes and description. That being said, are we ready to get into these ones? Yes. Okay. Let's dive in. Okay. You ready? You ready to kick us off? Yeah. Yeah. How crazy do we want to get from the jump?

As crazy as possible. Really? Through the roof. Really? I want to shoot out of my chair through the ceiling. Okay. Yeah. This is coming from r slash relationship advice. I, 26 male, messed up with the perfect girl, 23 female. How can I show her that I'm serious about her? I'm not trying to make excuses, but I was tricked by her older sister, 27 female.

She convinced me that it would be okay if we hooked up. I know it sounds dumb, but technically, we weren't official. My girl has been waiting for me to make it official, but I've been too busy for a relationship. But I think it's about time for us to become official. But right now, she's not talking to me. I really like everything about her. She has a good job, she's thoughtful, and can throw down in the kitchen.

We've been seeing each other casually for nine months, and I planned on making it serious when I have the time. I started getting to know her sister, and her sister and I eventually had a conversation about hooking up.

I was totally opposed to it, but she tricked me into believing that it's fine if we do. I'm just ready to get serious with this girl, but she blocked me and I want her to know that I initially said no, but her sister tricked me into pretending it was okay. Okay. First of all, OP is absolutely just straight up dumb.

Like, you are an idiot. Okay? First of all, that has idiot written all over it. Stamp on the forehead, idiot. What? Yeah. Do you hear yourself? You're going to take nine months to decide, I'm just ready to get serious with this girl. I haven't had time yet. Nine months? But now that I have time...

Yeah, I want to make it official. But there's one little bump in the road that we have to get over. And that's... She blocked me because I fucked her sister. Yeah, her sister tricked me. And I don't know. I think we're cool. We should be cool. But I'm blocked because now I want to make it official. Send me the username. I want to block your ass too. This is just stupid. This is so dumb. And also for her, like quite the sister you have. Are you kidding me? Scum.

I want to know how you were tricked. Like, oh, you guys aren't official yet. It's not cheating. It won't matter. And then you can just become official right after and you didn't cheat. You didn't do anything wrong. Perfect. Then what? You think you're not going to be tempted to sleep with a sister again? After you make it official with this girl? There's no trust there ever again. Oh my God. The fact too, he wants a cookie. Like, oh, I just want her to know I initially said no.

But you didn't keep saying no. Like what? You want a cookie because you resisted a little bit? Listen, I know I cheated, but right away I did say no. Okay. I did say no. So I'm good now, right? Idiot. I know you caught me speeding, but I wasn't speeding right before that or after. I actually slowed down once I saw you. So if you average it out, my average speed, I wasn't speeding. Oh, this is crazy.

I'm over this. Top comment. Why would her sister trick you?

Why would you even listen to someone who's not involved in whatever weird situationship you're causing and tell you what's okay for her sister? She isn't her, and the only one you should be listening to about boundaries was the girl you were seeing. Sounds like she dodged a bullet from an uncommitted man who plays victim when he fucks up. You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged like a cannonball. A freight train. Like a bomb. A torpedo coming from a nuclear submarine. A supernova. A fucking...

Yeah. A black hole merger. She waited for you patiently and you fucked her sister and then tried to say, quote, hey, she said it wasn't a big deal. Why are you mad?

Does that sound right? Because that's the entire vibe I'm getting from this post. My advice, take the L, learn your lesson, apologize to the girl if she even wants that, and use your brain, not your dick next time. There is no brain. If you want answers about something that could affect another person, ask the person it affects. OP replies, I really should have handled this differently.

My logic was she knows her sister well and wouldn't say her sister would be okay with something if she wasn't. I should have checked with her though. You're right. Your logic? You have no logic. Don't even talk about logic. This is where you take the L and you keep moving on. You learn a valuable lesson. I don't care if they've learned a valuable lesson. I don't care. I'm on the team of the girl who blocked him.

Yeah. That's what I'm rooting for. 100%. I don't care. I don't care if this OP's learned a lesson. I don't care. I don't know if he has, though, because there is one comment here. Yeah, this whole situation made me realize her sister is a bad person. I genuinely don't get how someone can do that to a person. It takes two to tango. He's absolving himself. It's almost like,

God, the devil tempted me and you know, what could I do to resist? Oh, that devil is so bad. I boiled water. I touched it with my hand and my hand got burned. Oh, I probably shouldn't have touched the water that was boiling. Yeah. Okay. Yep. That was my bad.

I'm over him. That's exact. That's no different than what we're talking about right now. He is giving me a good distraction because I'm actually just mad at how dumb he is. Yeah. So moving along on to story number two. This is coming from Am I the Asshole? Am I the asshole for kicking my boyfriend's mom out of my house? I, 25 female, have been with my boyfriend for three years now.

A few months ago, his mom came to the U.S. from India and has been spending the last few months in the home we got together. It all started when I kept finding her rummaging through my clothes on multiple occasions. I don't work from home and she doesn't have a job.

Then I started to notice my clothes go missing, and I noticed she was slowly throwing my clothes away. I don't make a lot, so it was really upsetting to me to see my clothes in the trash. That's when I put two and two together. After that, I confronted her and asked her to please stop. She claimed the clothes were too revealing for someone who would be a part of her family. They are Lululemon athletic clothes I wear to the gym.

I told her I can wear what I want, but that I will refrain from wearing the clothes in front of her. She stopped throwing the clothes out for a while, but then started up again, and this time, she actually started cutting them apart and throwing them out. I had had enough and got her a hotel room and put all of her stuff in there when her and my boyfriend were out one day. Now she's going back to India, and my boyfriend is saying he's going to break up with me because I disrespected his mom."

He asked me to move out. We both pay half of the rent right now. And I just feel a little guilty. I know it is disrespectful in Indian culture, but am I the asshole? What's disrespectful? It doesn't matter what culture we're talking about here. You don't cut up someone's clothes. Oh my God. I'm thinking about like my favorite jackets and things.

No, dude. No. One pair of leggings right now? Like, one pair of a basic pair of leggings from Lululemon is $100. No. Do you know how much work that is for someone? Someone making $15 an hour? Do you know how many hours they have to work for one pair of leggings? And she's cutting them up because you're not gonna wear that. It's disrespectful to me. Ugh, my eyes. My eyes. How dare you wear leggings? Why the fuck are you feeling guilty?

Because you have a boyfriend who's saying he's going to break up with you because you disrespected his mom. No, break up with him because of his mom. Flip it. He's trying to flip it on you. Flip it back. You've done nothing wrong. All the blame is on their side. Why the fuck is he coming in being like, I'm breaking up with you because... No, no, no, no, no. What?

I, me, OPM, I'm actually breaking up with your stupid ass because your mom cut up my shit. Go home with your mom and have your mom find your wife for you. If you're so worried about what your mom thinks and you're going to let your mom dictate what your partner is wearing, let your mom find your bride. And mom and son should go hang out with the guy from the last story. I think they'd get along. They probably could share one brain cell between the three of them.

They don't sound like they're operating on much. This isn't a big loss. This is not a loss. This is a blessing. This is, you know, man, a light. Also, this is a preview of also what you would get if you did stay with him.

Yes. My mom doesn't like what we're putting our kids in. My mom doesn't like how we're raising our kids. My mom doesn't want us to do this. My mom, you know, your wedding dress, you can't wear that wedding dress. It's too revealing. No daughter-in-law of hers would have that dress. Especially because he in no way seems to be taking your side or having your back. He does not have her back at all. So this isn't a partner. This is some relationship we had. Also, hosting someone's parent for months on end. Months.

Even in the most perfect situation? Nope. That's tough. I mean, I did pretty well, you know, coming in and living with you and Jerry for a little bit. But months on end, especially when you add in the fact that they're cutting up your clothes and going through your stuff in the first place, I'm surprised you handled this as well as you did. Because some people would really pop off.

Yeah. And, you know, could there have been a little bit more mature of a response? I mean, it is very passive aggressive, but like I fully understand the mom is being straight up insane and aggressive and crossing boundaries and being disrespectful. And I'm sure there's like technically you could probably sue for

You can sue for whatever you want.

To have to be like, hey, here's a hotel key. You're out. Your stuff is already gone. That is like very... Because then you know she has to go. Takes a strong will. Well, and it's like, hey, your shit's gone. Like there's nothing to fight about. There's no pack in the bags. It's already gone. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. But that's the one thing that I think someone could be like, you could have had a more mature conversation. I think she realizes this is a done deal.

But also, I don't know if it necessarily even matters because clearly she's the mom is immature. The mom is disrespectful. Like you don't need to meet someone with respect when they're only showing you disrespect. Yeah. Like you can meet them at that same level they're at and putting the shit in the hotel room might have been meeting at her level. Sure. And I know you don't you shouldn't have to go down to someone's level. But this is this falls more in just the petty category and in the kind of petty that I'm

I like it feels justified. There's justified petty. Then there's, you know, petty to just be an asshole. And then there's just downright stooping down to someone's level and just being, you know, a bad person. This to me is in the justified petty zone. And I like it there. Justified, justified asshole.

But overall, I don't think asshole for kicking her out of your house. No. Not the asshole. 100% no. Not the asshole, which is the overall vote on this one. After just three short days, people came to a conclusion very quickly. Top comment, thank your lucky stars. She came for a visit and your boyfriend showed his true colors about your relationship.

He will always put his mom and her beliefs ahead of your feelings and will never stand up to her for you. Ugh, I can't even imagine someone cutting up my clothes. I know, I was thinking about, you know, when you had some clothes disappearing. And if you had found someone going through your stuff and then went to the level of cutting it, oh boy.

Oh, man. Nope, nope. No way, man. No, I would be... I would come out swinging. That's what I'm saying. I'd come out swinging. Putting the stuff in the hotel and handing you the key is not that... I guess that is like self-control, too. You can go... Calm. Yeah. Collected. Professional. Professionally petty. I like that. That should be a theme coming up. PP. Okay. Moving on to story number three.

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Okay, this one. So this one is coming from Relationship Advice, titled, Same.

For context, I and Rochelle have been friends since we were kids. She is an incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful woman and has always been. But she can be a bit blunt and mean at times. So I try to take what she says with a grain of salt. However, a recent comment really bothered me. I thought it was in my head, but I keep dwelling on it. And I'm not sure whether I should just drop it and move past it or address that my feelings were hurt.

Rochelle is getting married, and her soon-to-be husband is a wonderful man. His groomsmen are also great. However, a few of them Rochelle described as having extremely jealous girlfriends. She told me I was paired with the groomsman with the most jealous girlfriend because I am the least threatening and, quote, he wouldn't be attracted to me.

And I'm not a skinny tall blonde. Now, I am not a skinny tall blonde. But the comment just felt, I don't know, unnecessary. Like she was trying to tell me she thought I was the ugliest bridesmaid without saying it.

Rochelle has already warned me that I am the weird friend of the bridal party. I can be a bit nerdy, but I like a few of the other girls, and I don't think we are much different. We all have tattoos, some have piercings, similar taste in music. I am nerdier because I like video games and anime, but I'm not awkward enough to broadcast that to a group of women I don't know very well. It's not my entire personality or anything I'm super passionate about,

More than anything, it's helped me connect with her fiance, who I consider a good friend. Another thing is that I wasn't the maid of honor. Not shocking, and I'm not hurt, since Rochelle and I aren't as close as we used to be. But I do remember a conversation we had a couple of years ago with her saying something along the lines of, quote, "'I don't think you could plan everything the way I want it to be. You're not very type A. I just wouldn't want to be disappointed.'"

Totally fair in my opinion, but again, it hurt a bit. Did that really need to be said out loud? Basically, a lot of small comments over the years have me wondering if I'm reading into this too much, if I'm too insecure, or if it's time to tell Rochelle the things she says or how she says them are really bothering me. Any advice is appreciated, whether you think these comments are insignificant or how you would have that conversation if you were in my shoes.

There's a definitely a good side, a good thing to being blunt, sometimes being straightforward, transparent. But when you do it to a fault, it starts to make me think, what is the nature of this friendship? Because I think some people keep certain friends around and

That, yeah, when you guys are together doing your thing, it can be really fun. You have good conversations. Whatever you do, it's a good time. But they keep you around because you are somehow an easy target for them to make themselves feel better about whatever insecurities they have or X, Y, Z. I just think sometimes people will keep, quote unquote, friends like that around because

Four times when then when they're in a big group, it's like you can this person kind of becomes a punching bag and it seems like they have over the years. I know. And it's really revealing that that side of this right now with this whole weird groomsman with the jealous girlfriends thing. That's a whole other thing to get into. Strange. This is what it is. Very interesting group of people. But the fact of what.

She has said to you in the way she's treated you, it's very condescending. No matter how you put it, you don't have to say he won't be attracted to you. He won't this. It's if you really want to get down to that because you're really trying to mitigate these ultra jealous girlfriends, you could do it in a better way where you're like, his type is all blondes.

And you're brunette. So we feel like this. The girlfriend will feel fine. Something like that. Instead of being like, A, a couple of years ago, you're not going to plan my trip the way I want. I just don't want to be disappointed when you wreck my whole wedding. And then B now, it's like, oh, you're perfect for the job. No one's going to be threatened by you. It's just the way everything's phrased. Yeah, it's great that you're really straight up and say things how they are.

But not when you're doing it in this, it's condescending is the main word that keeps coming to my head, but it's just flat out mean. And that's where I'm with this one. It's giving mean girl. It's giving someone who is treating her friend like a punching bag. That's the word that really came to mind where this girl's being treated like a punching bag. And for me, I'm kind of in the boat of what do you want with this friendship?

Because I think this person over the years, you know, you're 28, she's 29 or whatever it is. Like, this is kind of who she is. She's proven her character. You've been friends since you were kids. It's not changing. Yeah. And I'd be curious, have you told her that your feelings have been hurt in the past and she just hasn't changed? And if that's the case, then this is Rochelle. This is your friend. This is who you get, right?

So what do you want? Because it could go two ways, right? If you want to be treated better by this person, you need to talk to her. Okay? There's option A.

You talk to Rochelle and Rochelle gets defensive and kicks you out of the wedding or... Then you know the true nature of the friendship. Rochelle takes it to heart, becomes a better friend. And then you know you're real friends. Yeah. But there's also this flip side where if you've talked to Rochelle in the past and here you are again with all these snide comments and being the punching bag, you might be better with option B where you just keep quiet,

Enjoy the wedding. And then you slowly fade out. Yeah. Or your friendship changes, right? Like there's some friends that are casual and maybe you keep Rochelle more at a distance and you grab lunch here and there because of the history. And, you know, you do enjoy her sometimes, but you don't put so much faith or stock into Rochelle because you recognize Rochelle is Rochelle and it's not the nicest. And you try not to let it get to you. But

Me, personally, I have a hard time being quiet. I do like to resolve things. So for me, I probably would go to Rochelle and be like, hey, I don't even know if you've realized this, but you've said some things to me and I'm feeling very hurt. I'm feeling a little disrespected and I just kind of want to talk about it. You should be able to do that with your friends. And you should be able to. But I will say, kind of judging Rochelle,

Don't be surprised if you get kicked out of the wedding. Don't be surprised if you get cut off. But wouldn't you rather expose that? I personally, yeah. Than go there and be there for someone who's just having you up there, what sounds like for numbers anyway? Yeah. I mean... Like to even out the sides almost? You know, I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. I mean, I think that's definitely what it's giving. It's honestly hearing all this, it's a little surprising they're still friends. Yeah.

But I've stayed friends with some shitty people for a while until, you know, finally there was a straw that cracked and the ship went down. I mean, I do think you should confront it and see what happens. Because it's very telling the way she'll react. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, sure, if you don't want the conflict...

And you're kind of already into this wedding. Like, let's say you've already bought your dress and whatever else has happened. Then you know what? It doesn't... And let's say all the other people there are your friends too. Then go be in the wedding and then fade out like you said. Yeah. But if you... You've got choices. You could talk about this after the wedding if you wanted. You could. But...

I mean, if you want to be as blunt and straight up as she is, then you could do it now. Yeah. Play her at her own game. You could. I will say too, there's some comments here where I hope our writer also starts to work on herself a little bit. Maybe her confidence, maybe just being more secure. Yeah. Because there's some comments here that I'm kind of like,

That's kind of goofy. The one about like, I am nerdier because I like video games and anime, but I'm not awkward enough to broadcast that to a group of women I don't really know. It's not my entire personality or anything I'm very passionate about.

Being into anime or video games has nothing to be ashamed about to the point you don't share it and you think it's weird if you brought it up with a group of women. I think of my friend Mikayla, and Mikayla loves anime. Yeah. And she talks about it. And I would never judge her for liking anime just because I'm not...

as into it like yeah I just think it's so weird and so to feel like you have to hide yourself or passions or downplay passions and be like oh well I'm into it but I know they're weird like why are you so into it if you're not passionate about it or you think it's super weird like yeah it's interesting and then the I just kind of noticed the lead into that too where it's like more than anything it's helped me connect with her fiance who I consider a good friend and

And I'm like, did you get into the anime because of the fiance or am I just now starting to spiral and take this? Yeah, I think you're spiraling a little bit. Am I taking this something? I think you are. Okay. But I do think, you know. I'm spiraling, guys. But I do think it is, all of this is very telling. Yeah. And maybe the friendship has evolved, which, I mean, you even said it evolved, right? You don't, it's not the same as when you were younger. Yeah. And that happens. It's natural and normal and-

You know, if I'm curious about the effort, if this is a two way street friendship just on a day to day basis, I'm curious what the interactions are like. But it's really your call. It's your call. But if you plan on having this be a friendship long term and if if a wedding or some major event is in your future.

I would really start thinking about it because a lot of times when you're in someone's wedding, then they're in yours as well. So is she someone you would have standing up there with you? Or, I mean, if that's a yes, then I'd really try and think about bringing up the topic and seeing how it evolves from there. If you want this person as a friend going forward and you're tired of being treated like this, you need to address it. Yeah. But...

Option B might be the better option of just slow fade. Depends, yeah. Top comment on this one. Yeah.

The next comment. This would honestly make me think about your relationship with her. Are you really best friends? It doesn't sound like it from the way she talks to you. What you describe is giving me mean girl vibes. If she talks about you like that to your face, how does she talk about you behind your back? Yeah, no kidding. Maybe minimize your interactions with her and develop your relationship with other friends with common interests who appreciate you. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

There is only one comment from OP, and it's in response to this comment, which I'm not sure I entirely get. Okay. Someone goes, have you researched if you are the ugliest bridesmaid? I mean, there has to be one, right? Okay. Irrelevant. And OP goes, this is the second best take after fuck the groomsmen. LOL. Thank you. Yeah. I mean...

Also, that whole groomsmen bridesmaid situation is really weird. The whole the whole setup of this wedding is very weird. Yeah. But what I will say about friends is I think there's a lot of pressure on friendships from when you're younger to last forever. Like, oh, we're going to be best friends forever. Yeah.

And the reality is you don't only make your lifelong friends when you're a kid. Yes, technically, if you were friends for your entire life, you'd be friends for longer. But for us right now and anyone listening, our context of a lifelong friend can also start right now because our life right now is from now until the end. And if you meet a new friend now,

sometime right now, or in 20 years, or in 30, however many years, you can still meet a lifelong friend. Because in your context of now to the future, they would be in your life for the rest of your life. Yeah. So you never really, there's never a need to pressure yourself in a relationship, a friendship,

even with a family member, to remain close and connected because of the history. And that's that sunken cost fallacy. And it's hard to get over. I myself have stayed friends with people because of the history. And we can all rationalize that's human, that's normal. Like,

But I think you will get to a point where enough will be enough. And you might not be there with Rochelle today, but you might get there. But if you can make it better and you want to make it better, try. Otherwise,

You got your answer. Yeah. Well, and then also with the being confident about your passions and that kind of thing. Yeah. You should broadcast that. You should start talking about that more because what if you meet another one of the bridesmaids and they're like, oh my God, me too. And then you meet your next best friend or just day-to-day life at work. Why are you hiding who you are? If you go out and you put on an anime shirt of your favorite show,

You don't know who you'll meet. And then all of a sudden you have all these friends around you that are passionate about the same things and you don't have to hide any part of who you are. Uh-huh.

That's amazing. Imagine the feeling of that. Yeah. I mean, I am into werewolf, shapeshifter, dragon, romance books. I'm not ashamed to tell it. And you know what? I actually just had a listener. I was reminded of this thanks to this conversation. I actually just had a listener, Miss Lucia Sky, send me her book as a little present to our P.O. Box online.

And it's called Faded Hearts, an Echo of Darkness prequel. And I'm bringing it on our road trip tomorrow and I'm going to start reading it. But it looks so good. And it's like, I'm into that because I've talked about it on a podcast before. I got sent an amazing book from a listener. Yeah. Like,

Like talk about it. You could meet your new best friend and not be bullied and not be called the ugliest bridesmaid essentially. Correct. Life is too short. And also your best friend or best friends don't have to also share your passions. No. Very true. But if they're a good friend, they'll respect them.

And you know what? They'll watch the anime show with you even if it's not their thing because they just like spending time with you and doing something that you love to do. Yeah. No matter what the hobby or passion is. Yeah. It's just you lift up the ones around you if you're a true friend. Yeah, I think so. Okay, moving along.

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baby trapping it's it's intense so if you feel you can't handle conversations that kind of head down a slippery slope in regards to those two things please skip ahead well this one is coming from r slash a-i-t-a-h it is titled am i the asshole for kicking my fiance out after joking he got me pregnant on purpose okay okay

I, 23 female, made a post a couple of days ago on here talking about a joke my fiance made at Thanksgiving, which concerned me. The post got taken down, locked. This is a repost slash update. I, 23 female, have been with my fiance, 26 male, for three years. We met while I was on holiday, and a few weeks after, he followed me on Instagram, and the rest is history.

We got engaged last year, and a month later, I found out I was pregnant. We have a beautiful six-month-old. We hosted Thanksgiving this year, and my fiancé was drinking quite heavily, and after dinner, me and my mom were talking about the wedding, which my parents are paying for.

I overheard my fiancé tell my brother, who was just as drunk as him, that, quote, he needed to tie me down and get me pregnant before I realized what a dickhead he was.

They laughed it off, but it rubbed me the wrong way because our baby wasn't planned. I wasn't ready for a child and we were using condoms. But after a few instances where the condom broke, I decided it would be safer if I got on birth control.

The first month on birth control, I got pregnant. We were told that could happen, and he said he would pull out to be safe, but I still got pregnant. I was scared as fuck, but I personally didn't want to get an abortion. I 100% believe in the right to get an abortion. I just didn't want one, and so I decided to keep the baby.

I work for my dad's company and my fiance works at a country club. Money wasn't necessarily why I didn't want a baby. I just wanted to do more before I started a family. I spoke to my fiance about what he said. And at first, he said he didn't remember saying it, which was believable because of how drunk he was. But then he said it was just a joke and it was meant as a compliment because I'm so amazing.

So I said, okay, good, because we're getting a prenup. I was just joking, but I also wanted to see how he reacted. And he was pissed. He said, why the fuck would he sign a prenup when we have a baby together, a house together, and that he would not sign one. How we wouldn't need one because we were never separating. And that me mentioning a prenup is insulting and emasculating.

I never felt threatened or anything like that, but he did make me uncomfortable and he woke our baby up. So I told him to leave, which he did. The day after I kicked him out, he sent me a long apologetic message about how it was out of character of him to get loud, which it was. He's never acted like that before. And I replied saying, I appreciate the apology, but I still just need a day or two to think everything through.

The next day, he sent me a bouquet to the apartment. Sunday, he sent me a booking confirmation of a massage he booked for me at the club and offered to come over and watch our son and cook dinner. Tonight, he sent me a message saying that I'm being an asshole and that I'm taking a meaningless joke to heart and that he's wasting money he could be saving for the wedding on the hotel. But now things that went over my head before, I'm starting to think are sus.

But breaking up my family over this doesn't seem right. Am I overthinking this? Slash, am I being an asshole? Oh, well, I want to know what the sus, I want to know what all these other things are. That's valuable context. But regardless, you know, you always hear people say, oh, she's so, I don't know why she chose me. Like I'm, I'm out of, she's out of my league, that kind of thing, which is a much more sensitive thing.

normal approach to that kind of joke, if you will. But then that way it wouldn't necessarily be a joke. I think a lot of people say things are jokes after they're taken the wrong way or offend somebody. Oh, I was just joking. I was just joking. But

In any case, I think it was a good time then, a door opened to be able to play the joke game back and say, well, I'm giving you a prenup. And you know what? It's a great way to test it because just as much as he's trying to get out of that insensitive thing being a joke,

You can play the same card, but you're not even, you still haven't steeped down to that level. But that's interesting to me is like, why would you even bring up a prenup unless there's something to be concerned about? I assume there is. Is it the interest in the dad's company? Is she building ownership in that? Is it being handed down to her?

Is there, I don't know what's the size of the company. Is it stock option? I mean, you have to, yes, you guys have a kid and a house together, but it depends what you're coming in with. And inheritance, I think you don't necessarily even need a prenup. Inheritance is protected in most places. But I wonder if you've,

Had things you've been gifted or something coming in or who knows? It could be a variety of reasons. It's dicey too, right? Because like I say, and I'm not a lawyer, but like inheritance is protected. But if you take your inheritance and then put it in a joint account, it's not. Yeah. It doesn't count anymore. That's joint now. He's entitled to it.

But I'm just like getting a lot of red flags here. I don't think that's a comment you make to someone like, yeah, I had to get her pregnant before she realized what a dickhead I was. That is a very odd thing to say, especially when it was an accident. Condoms kept breaking. If it's a joke, it's a really bad way. Really bad. Really, really bad. And condoms, yeah, it breaks. Birth control fails. Yeah.

I know like when you start birth control, it takes a little while for your body to like get acclimated and for it to actually work. But, you know, we've been together six years. We've used condoms the entirety of our relationship. The amount of times we've had a condom break is once. Like they kept breaking until

I am sussed. And with the comment, I'm sussed. And then his reaction about the prenup, weird. Yeah. If you don't understand prenups, I get it. But to like be so enraged, you're yelling and screaming that you wake up a baby. That's the other part of this. There's just like a lot going on here. And I'm just, I'm not getting a good vibe. Yeah. I always get a bad taste in my mouth when

it's not normal in the relationship. And then all of a sudden something pushes someone to start yelling. And once we cross into that territory, I don't know. I just don't, I've never been a person to get up to that, raise my voice, get... And some, you know, some do. Like, I would be very curious for like a psychologist or relationship expert to chime in and like,

I'm curious, is yelling ever good or is all yelling toxic? Because like that's not a part of our relationship, but I wonder if there's any where it's like, I don't know. Some people thrive off of it. It's how they communicate. Literally. So I'm curious. I'd love for someone to chime in, but we've got a lot of comments on this one. So as our writer mentioned, they did post this originally in Am I the Asshole about a month ago, closer to, you know, after Thanksgiving.

And the top comment on that post is he said he needed to tie you down and that you don't need a prenup because you're never separating and it's emasculating. The way he phrases these things comes across as really toxic and controlling. What he said to another male while drunk might not have really been a joke either.

If that didn't sit well with you, you were right to bring it up. Your joke might have been petty, but that's still no excuse for him to get aggressive, loud, and upset. There's nothing wrong with a prenup, per se. However, getting someone pregnant on purpose is a shitty and perverted move. It's not something to joke about. He joked about potentially stripping a living being of her ability to choose for herself, while you joked about a legal paper that is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

You might want to have another discussion with him to make sure you're okay with someone who says things like that and to confirm it was nothing more than an awfully disrespectful bad joke. I don't know if you'll ever be able to know. That's the hard part about this. How would you actually be able to with 100% confidence

You will never fully know it's do you trust him? Do you believe him? Or are his past actions poking enough holes to then incite some doubt? Yeah, if there's a pattern. And she's saying there's other things now that have gone over my head that are now sus. That's what I want to know about. So someone says, if we are never separating, then why won't you sign it? Like kind of implying OP should say that. OP, trust your gut. Something seems off.

agree. My husband and I were slash are certain we were never separating. We still signed prenups. Signing a prenup isn't emasculating or a sign of distrust or cheating or red flag or anything of the sort. Honestly, it should be a green flag because if someone wants a prenup, it means they want to protect themselves and you in the event of a breakup. Nobody can actually be certain that they'll never split up. That's, I mean,

Come on. I know. That's what every, you think people get married? I mean, maybe some, maybe. But do you think people really get married with the intention of, oh yeah, we're going to get divorced? Everyone thinks they're in it for the long run. But the thing is, there's already a prenup that the state dictates. Whatever state you're in already has a prenup for you. So do you want the state or wherever you live to decide, or do you want to control your own separation if it comes to that?

I'd rather control my own destiny than have a government dictate what happens. So that's really what it is. It doesn't have to be this, oh, whatever. Like there's a lot of prenups now that don't have infidelity clauses. But if you want that, you can put it in. It's a choose your own adventure. Yeah.

This is really interesting though, okay? Now that it's pointed out, I'm shocked we haven't talked about it yet. Someone goes, honestly, I started thinking it was a bit off when he found her on Instagram a few weeks after the holiday. Sounded a bit stalker slash beginning of an obsession to me, but I'm old and maybe this happens a lot. It then got worse the more I read. OP went on instinct when she threw him out. I think those instincts were good.

Next one down. Her dad owns a company too, so I wonder if he saw dollar signs as an incentive to get her pregnant. I've never had a condom break with a partner in my 55 years. Okay, so we're not like... Right, but still... I just thought that was so strange. That shouldn't necessarily give you bulletproof confidence in condoms. It's just, it's not common. No. But if it's happening consistently, then it's like...

then that's weird. Yeah. This person goes on to say, I've never had a condom break in my 55 years. Of course, I know it happens, but they had two fails timed close together. She goes and gets on the pill, but before it can work, he ditches condoms altogether and proposes the oh-so-reliable pull-out method. Yeah, he wasn't joking. And if OP marries this guy, she'd better get a prenup. I'd ask my dad to insist for me because this guy is the type that's only going to listen to a man.

And that's... Yeah. That's... Yeah. So there's a lot of other comments here going down the line of, you know, maybe he tampered with the birth control. Maybe he switched pills out. Maybe he microwaved pills. I don't know. Your face on the microwave is hilarious. I don't personally know about...

The truth about the microwave stuff. I've never once thought about putting a pill in a microwave. That's just like two worlds coming together. I don't know. I'm absolutely floored with this one. But we do get some insight into...

Okay. So someone goes, please, please, please do not marry him. Call off the relationship. He wants you to be barefoot and pregnant. Run. The pill is super easy to tamper with. All your ex needs to do is microwave your birth control pills for a short time and your birth control pills are completely useless. I've never once heard of that ever. Again, I don't know if that's true, but...

OP says, I didn't know this. Wow. I never even considered him doing anything like that. I take them like clockwork. So it definitely wasn't that I missed a day or anything like that.

There's a comment here that goes, I haven't seen it said yet, but you have mentioned in other comments having two trust funds, one that you got when you were 18. Does he know this? Think about it. If you don't have a prenup, he'll have access to that trust fund. Don't be naive. And the condom, come on. He totally baby trapped you. Wake up.

And OP responds, yeah, he knows about the trust fund. He was at my brother's 18th birthday where my dad said to him not to spend all his money at once. And he asked if all of the siblings got one, which we did. Valuable context. I am fully on the board of he baby trapped her. Yeah. The way he's blowing up about a prenup, it's starting to get very, very fishy. Especially when it's uncharacteristic to blow up.

Because I can see that. Because he's keeping it together. Well, and he's putting all his eggs in one basket thinking, I've got it. This is it. And then she puts in a roadblock of the prenup and that's the first time he really blows up and the shoe fits. Dude. So top comment on the second post, right? And this person is in the top 1% commenter.

Odd preparation 472. So they mean business here, okay? Okay. I agree with other commenters. Perusing a prenup seriously, which you 1000% should do anyway, will give away how much of a joke your ties together are. Prenups protect both parties. When you talk, I think you should ask him what his real serious issue is with a prenup, especially if it would also protect his assets in the case of a separation. Right. I think a lot of times...

you are correct that when people have a huge aversion to a prenup, it's mostly due to them not understanding what it is. Because a lot of people, I think it's portrayed in pop culture as something that's so negative. And, oh, you just think I'm coming to take all your money and this and that, not understanding that it's not

about, oh, then when we separate, like I'm going to kick you out and there you go walking down the street with your one bag of shit. It's so much more complicated than that. It really is. Because then things that assets you acquire, anything that becomes mutual property while you are together and married, it, the prenup doesn't,

take that stuff away. No. It's, they're so complicated and they're all different. It's what you're coming into it with usually, yeah. But it is simply to protect both people and like you said earlier, to allow you two to have the control about your split at a time when you two aren't able to sit down and

have an, you know, an agreeable conversation. I'm total team Priya. You're projecting, you're just preparing that if you get to a spot where you guys are just battling and you cannot, you just, you don't want to get hurt, take advantage. It's, hey, we had a good time prior.

We agreed that this is how things are going to be done. I think that's really smart. It is. And this comment goes on to say, if you are never going to separate, then why would having one even make a difference to him? Right.

A lot of people go on and on. I wouldn't marry him. I'm not sure I'd stay with him. He baby trapped OP knowing she wouldn't get an abortion. That should be considered rape if he was tampering with birth control methods. Did he buy condoms off Timu? Because they shouldn't break like that. Break up with him, OP. He's not a good guy. Yeah, it's getting scarier and scarier as we go on. That's not good. So this is...

It's looking crazy. Yeah. And we do find out a bit more. Okay. We have an update. Okay. Update. A lot of people were asking for context. When I said I wanted a prenup at the time, I wasn't being serious. Maybe I was being an asshole trying to get a reaction. But based on the three years we've been together, I would have never have imagined he would have reacted the way he did.

Why did the joke bother me so much? About a year ago, he lost his job. He was never really clear why. For the next three to four months, he didn't really do much. He said he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do next, and that was the first time he brought up having kids, indicating that he was ready. We had a candid conversation on my part about how I want kids, just not anytime soon. I enjoy my job. I had trips planned, and I wanted to be married first.

He agreed with me that we should wait three to four years.

My dad's company got a contract at the club, which is how he got the job there. But during the time he was out of work, my girls would joke that he's a stay-at-home boyfriend and that I'm the provider and he'd be a stay-at-home dad because I was paying the bills slash rent by myself, which at the time didn't bother me. I used to live there by myself before we got together, so it wasn't a big deal. But I guess it was them that first made me question...

To be honest, I don't know how long the condoms were breaking. A lot of people are saying they've never had them break, and I can't say I remember it ever happening before. I noticed the first time that it looked like it had split, and then I checked it the next time that it was also broken, which is when I decided to get an IUD, which he didn't want me to, but I stood my ground, and we compromised, and I got on the pill.

Okay. I know we should have continued using condoms, but he said he'd ran out and that I'm on the pill and I don't need them. In hindsight, yes, I should have insisted we still use them, but I chose not to have that battle. I thought we'd be okay.

He knew my opinion on abortion and that I wouldn't get one. If I got pregnant, I would raise the baby unless it was for a medical reason. Money-wise, my family's successful. I work for my dad's company. I have two trust funds, one of which I got at 18. Before I fell pregnant, I was making plans to start my own house flipping business, but I decided to put that on hold.

I still work from home on flexible hours, but he said once we're married, he wants me to stop working so I can focus on our kids and that he'll support us. But I've never really liked that idea, mainly because although I've never had to worry about money, my parents always taught us the importance of financial stability. And my mom's always said to never be financially dependent on anyone. Plus, my fiance's current salary, I'm not sure would cover all of our expenses.

The only reason why I haven't told my dad is because they have a good relationship and I don't want to blow everything up over an overreaction on my part. Well, it's clearly not an overreaction with this context. You, even without everything else, you are disagreeing on very, very large things. Huge. Decisions about

the future, big decisions. And if we can't come to an agreeance on those at a minimum, then the rest of this doesn't matter anyway. But yeah, now, you know, with the context and with stirring on this a little bit, I think sometimes alcohol can bring out the truth in people. It can let down their guard and actually reveal who they truly are.

And so maybe in that moment, the alcohol in getting super drunk removed that shield. And then for a second, maybe it's been weighing on him. This guy doesn't seem to be one that has a really big conscience. I think he's really manipulative. He's a planner. He's very deceptive.

But if you're stirring on something for so long, you know you did something terrible. Even if you're a terrible person, maybe some bit of that to where it feels good just to tell someone. And maybe the alcohol that night got him to a place where maybe you could call it a slip or like a lack of judgment in the moment if you're really trying to hide this. But

Maybe that revealed something. I think it did. Because a lot of people try to excuse things away by calling them a joke. This is not a joke. But it was so, it was such like a, you know when people tell those jokes that kind of make you uncomfortable because they're just kind of nasty jokes and just seem dark? That's kind of how this one felt from the beginning. There's so much to unpack here. It's oddly specific.

to their situation now that we know everything. The context is definitely needed from the jump. And also it's just,

It's just dark. It's just bad energy. I mean, let's pick apart this, like, actually what we know a little bit more. He didn't want her to get an IUD. Why? Because he can't tamper with it? You agreed not having kids for four years. Agreed. You agreed. He doesn't support her having a career. He wants her to be tied up, trapped at home, raising kids. I don't... Why? If you are... Because it's not masculine. It's weird. If you are having your life dictated by someone...

That's not your life. Your partner isn't going to tell you what you can and can't do with your life. Your partner might have an opinion like, hey, honey, yeah, you know, I think you should try to go get this other job because the other one isn't promoting you. You deserve better. You know, you want to be a stay-at-home mom, be a stay-at-home mom. I got us. Like you can make decisions with your partner. But if your partner is saying, no, I don't want you to work, that's not really your decision. Right.

It's weird. I would rather at this point, if I was this person, I'd rather co-parent with him than be married to him and have him try to tell me what I can and can't do. Unfortunately. I mean, I shit, I don't even want to co-parent with him. But you're here now. I understand. I understand. But it's just, oh, it's just such bad vibes. Such bad vibes. But we have another update. Oh, when is this one just going to be over?

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Okay, update two. Okay.

To everyone that hasn't seen my other post, he joked he got me pregnant to tie me down, and I didn't know what to make of it, so I posted on here to get some outside opinions. I didn't want to initially talk to my family or friends about it because they're all quite close to him, and I didn't want to make a mountain out of a molehill and cause drifts in their relationships. Yesterday, we had a conversation about where I was at, but he said he couldn't go back to the hotel because they kicked him out for smoking in the room.

He stopped smoking while I was pregnant, but he said I was stressing him out, so he had to stay at the apartment. While I was on the phone with one of my girls in the bedroom, he came in and took the phone off me and told me to come out and eat. While we were eating, he said that he understood what I said and that things need to change for us to move forward. He then proceeded to list all of the things I needed to do to make things better. His tone the whole conversation was just making me uneasy.

I texted my dad saying that he was making me uncomfortable when he wasn't looking. I went to check on the baby, and when I came back, I saw him take my keys out of my purse but didn't say anything. He took my silence as agreement to everything he said and went to bed instead of the couch like we had agreed. Like everything was normal, I stayed in the living room, and my dad, bless him, drove six hours to come and get us.

My dad got to the apartment around 5 this morning while my fiancé was still sleeping, and we left. Me and my son are at my parents' house now. My fiancé has been blowing up my phone since this morning. I sent a text to him as we were driving off saying he wasn't respecting the fact that I needed space and time to just figure everything out so he could stay in the apartment and all stay at my parents'.

We haven't officially broken up or called the wedding off. My parents, who would have paid for it, have said that they don't care if I want to call it off, but I feel bad. But I just want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my original post and private messaged me. I didn't think people would care about me. I feel like every option I have is bad. The thought of being a single mom is scary.

If my fiancé's behavior gets worse, that would be shit. If we cancel the wedding and cost my parents thousands of dollars, I'll feel guilty. And if we break up altogether, we just got a house together. We're both on the mortgage. We have joint accounts, and I've been with him since I was 19. Being without him for good is also scary. Not one of those reasons is reason to stay with someone that is this guy or

that doesn't make you happy, that's manipulating, that's getting straight up scary. Scary. This is scary. Not one of those reasons is a reason to stay. Someone sneakily taking your keys out of your purse so you can't leave. Someone saying, I got kicked out of the hotel.

And having to stay at the apartment, he wants to keep eyes on her. He wants to keep tabs and control. He's trying to make sure she doesn't slip through his grimy little fingertips. You're not a child. You're an adult. You don't need to be watched over, controlled. This is dangerous. This escalates.

And to go in to the room as she's on the phone with one of her friends, to grab the phone, hang up and say, come and eat. It's getting worse. Every single thing on this is scary. And then he didn't respect the boundary of sleeping on the couch. He went into the bedroom because he felt like he was owed that. That's my bedroom. Like it's such...

scary behavior and it's some people might look at it and be like oh he's just sleeping in his bed no it's almost intimidating it's it just feels so threatening the answer to the whole first post everything we've heard was answered right when you texted your dad that's your answer

When you felt the need to reach out and say, he's making me uncomfortable. You know. That is when you already made this decision. Don't feel bad. Your parents are not going to care about losing a few grand because thank God you found out now.

The sooner the better. You know what also would be expensive? A divorce when you have to go through it with this guy. And fully paying for the entire wedding when it's going to blow up anyway. And guess what? You can get a prenup. And I would be very curious if he asked for alimony because the reality is why he might not want a prenup is because he might want alimony. He might look at you as a golden egg.

And guess what? Even if you get a post-nuptial, you cannot write in alimony arrangements in a post-snup. So him being like, oh, we'll dress it later. I don't want your money. Like, no. No, I mean, it's just... He's scary. There's... I'm just trying to think through all those reasons because yes, being a single mother is very daunting when you're staring at that as the next step.

But man, is that just night and day better than what this seems to be evolving into? We all wish we could have the little peek into the future so that we could make these decisions easier. But I don't know if you need...

Because she kind of seems like she's in shock. I think so. And it's really hard to make a solid decision when you are so emotional, when everything is like just, you know, when it's all just happened. And with that, yeah, let some time pass. Hang out at your parents. I actually think it'd be really healthy for you to start discussing all this with your parents because I think your parents can be some of your best friends

you know, advice givers because they've also lived this life. They've, they've been around longer than we have. They have a little more wisdom and also just get to the point where it's not so emotional. It's a little more logical and look at all of it out in front of you and say, what is really best for me, my child and my future. Yeah. Yeah.

I also think because she is in shock, the right person isn't going to get mad at you or penalize you for needing a little space. If you say, hey, I know you said it as a joke, but I've been shaken since. I need some space. You know, your behavior, it hasn't felt like you've respected me. I feel scared. I feel a little smothered or, you know, whatever you're feeling. I just need a little space. And...

I hope you respect that. The right person might be sad, might be scared you're going to end the relationship, but they're going to respect that. If they don't, more red flags, all the more reason to leave. There is a comment here that OP responds to, but someone goes...

Wow, your dad is awesome. That he jumped in the car immediately to drive six hours also shows how much of a douche her fiancé is to be perceived by these others. Her dad was probably thinking, finally, the rose-colored glasses have fallen. Maybe, yeah. OP, stay gone. This guy is bad news. Got you pregnant, laid down the law, hid your car keys...

Don't feel bad about your parents being out of money for what they have spent. From what you told us about his latest stunt and your friend's commentary about him, trust us, they are pleased as punch that he finally revealed himself to you in terms that you can't ignore. I'm guessing that they've been biting their tongues, but despite their angst at your choice, chose to respect it and support it.

So don't worry about the money, as they are insignificant compared to the emotional and psychological price that you would have paid by staying in this abusive relationship. Best money they've ever spent. OP responds, they said that they didn't like how we were getting so serious so fast and how he moved into my apartment. But then I got pregnant, so they didn't want to seem unsupportive.

Yeah. I mean, God damn, that's the ultimate card to play. The parents are so incredibly smart though, because this next comment points out why. They knew that by being supportive, they wouldn't be isolated from you and therefore could help you if things went south fast. That's exactly what happened. You've got good, wise parents. Wow.

I just really am so appreciative. And like, it's so hard to watch people be with bad people or the wrong people. But the reality is like you could be isolating them if you lay down ultimatums or like whatever. Or yeah, you become the bad guy and it makes the whole thing worse. I know. Because the number one thing

that I've seen is people when they're in bad situations and you try to point it out, they get very defensive and then they lock down with that person and isolate themselves with them even more. And then that, that door is closed for, and it closes for a lot of other people that they would have otherwise maybe listened to. So it's a, it's an extremely tough place to be in as a friend, as a parent, whatever the relationship is, when you see someone going through something,

And then there becomes the fine line between you got to let them learn the hard way or you got to really step in and say, hey, this isn't right. I mean, these are all situations we'll encounter in life. And it's hard. It's hard when you're on the outside, especially watching your child go through it. I can't even imagine. And I think there's one thing here, like, I feel bad. I feel bad. My parents will have wasted money. I feel bad. But it's like,

What if this escalates? What if you stay with him and it escalates and it gets to a point where it's life or death? It will. Yeah. Like money can be made again. And I know like obviously these people are in a very privileged position. Yeah. But even if you don't have money, like even if you're, you know, struggling financially, like your life is more valuable than yours.

money or wasted money or losing a deposit on a wedding or a house like you can't replace your life and might you struggle if you don't have money and you have to leave someone toxic yeah that could be terrifying not knowing where you're gonna live potentially having to go live in a shelter to get away to be safe that is scary but your life is so much more valuable

Like you only have one life to live. Yeah. And it could get taken from you if you stay with the wrong person. Right. One last thing on this one, I think too is. Well, it's not last because you know what? Oh, another one. I got another update. Well, okay. My last thought for now is that

You she is in a very privileged situation that should be factored in that all matters in this context. Take advantage of the privilege. Take advantage of the very extremely supportive, amazing parents you have. You already work for your dad's company. So it's not it doesn't sound like you're locked in a certain location. It seems like you can do remote. You can do whatever. Yeah.

So you can move. I would go back closer to my parents are if you really feel like you need to get back and, you know, you need their support and help with the child. And as you kind of figure out this new normal for you. But I would take full advantage of whatever you can going into this scary new world. But it's less scary than the world you could end up in. And OP is finding a lot of support within her community. Yeah.

So the last update I have, which was posted three weeks after the initial post. Okay. So this was definitely not playing out one day after another. Like this, this really was a developing problem and resolution. Maybe we'll see what that is.

I made a post on here about my ex-fiance and a joke he made at Thanksgiving. Things escalated and I decided to take our seven-month-old and leave. We've been at my parents since then. I didn't go about it the right way, leaving without telling him and the next morning, understandably, as he was confused when we weren't at home.

Initially, I went no contact, and because he couldn't reach me, he called the police saying that he thought I was having some type of breakdown and have postpartum depression, and that he was afraid for me and our son's safety.

The police alerted my parents that I'd been reported missing and asked if they had seen or heard from me. And we explained that I left because I felt uncomfortable in the apartment with him. So I started speaking to him again. I told him why I left, but apologized for leaving the way I did. And he also apologized for everything that's gone down. He said he'd bought stuff for me and the baby for Christmas already and wanted to give it to us. So asked if he could come to my parents' house at Christmas.

It was our son's first Christmas, so despite what's going on between us, he's still his dad, and I didn't want to make him miss out. I explained all this to my parents, who agreed to let him come, and we had a good day. He brought this stuff, like he said, and he was respectful and didn't drink. It felt like how it used to. He came back the next day because he had left his wallet.

But we talked for a while. He promised to stop drinking because that was what caused everything. Him getting drunk and saying some stupid thing without thinking. And he was all right with us postponing the wedding, saying he just missed his family. He asked if we'd come back with him, but I said I wanted to stay here. He said he understood.

We didn't speak for a few days, and he sent a care package with things he knew I liked, and he wrote in the letter that since all my stuff was still at the apartment, he wanted me to have things that reminded me of home. I called him to say thank you, and we FaceTimed so he could see the baby. I went out on New Year's Eve with some friends from high school, and the day after, he texted me asking if I got home all right and if I was hungover. I said I was fine, but then I realized I didn't tell him I was going out.

So I asked how he knew, and he said he saw me on an Instagram story and knew it was my first time drinking since giving birth. He said he didn't go out and could have watched our son, but I didn't plan to go out. Originally, I was going to stay home, but my mom encouraged me to go. And by the time I decided I was going, it was too short notice. He wouldn't have been able to come in time, since it is a six-hour, maybe longer drive depending on traffic. But I could have at least let him know, I guess.

My dad and brother wanted to drive back to the apartment to get my stuff, so I asked him when would be a good time for them to go, and he said that I didn't need to move out, and that even though he thinks I'm blowing everything out of proportion, he would wait for me to get over it so we could be a family again, because he needs us, and that he'd stay in a hotel and I should move back in.

The wedding's been canceled. My parents lost most of the deposits, which I'm going to pay them back. And everyone I could tell that the wedding's been canceled to, I've told. I'm not sure if he's done the same. At Christmas, my sister-in-law was complaining about the new iOS update and how annoying it was. And I hadn't updated my phone yet. So I decided to do it. And then I left my phone on the charger. When I had remembered and went to check on my phone, it had reset.

And my ex said that his one did the same thing.

This account was a burner, and I don't remember the details initially when I reinstalled Reddit, but I managed to get back in. My parents said I can stay as long as I need, but I feel like a burden. They were supposed to go away in a week, but they've canceled it, and they've lost all that money, and then the wedding money. So I need to figure myself out soon. A part of me thinks I'm being stupid, throwing away my family over what started as a drunk joke, but it's become more than that, and I'm just lost at the moment.

But yeah, that's where I'm at. But I want to thank you all. I've had a lot of messages of people checking on me. I know some are probably disappointed that I haven't cut him off completely, but it's not that simple, especially with a baby. And these last few weeks, he's gone back to how he used to be. And I'm realizing that I probably have caused a lot of this by overthinking the joke. No, I think you really truly revealed something and...

I wouldn't take that lightly. Kind of goes like with what you say when people show you who they are, believe them. This really feels like that. You know, whether it seems like he may be motivated by the fact that she could come back and that's why he's being all like, I'm perfect and we can have a perfect family. This is all, this is pretend. Which I appreciate that more than getting worse and worse

aggressive and all these other bad things. I'm just a little worried what happens when he realizes it's not going to happen. He's going to go nuclear. And so I would be trying to mentally prepare for that. I'm glad we have a six hour gap in distance here, at least. I don't think he's six hours away though. How did he know she went out?

I think he's following her. Maybe. Or it could be on story. I mean, it's not the weirdest way to find out. So OP does clarify. I don't know whose Instagram he saw me on, to be honest. I haven't been able to get into my account since Christmas. It's so old, I don't even remember the login details. Well, okay. But like maybe you're on another friend's story. That's what I'm saying. But still. Well, and I wouldn't put past him to be checking friends' stories and things like that, but...

I don't know. I think we're in a good place. I think the hard decision has been made and you're just dealing with the reality of that sinking in. Yeah. Well, I do just want to say like,

I think we all know like his promises, his love bombing with gifts, massages, flowers, you know, throughout all of this. Like I think a lot of us can recognize that this is very toxic, manipulative behavior. Forgetting the wallet. He left it there on purpose. So he had an excuse to come back and chat. Like we all can see through this, but for someone who's in it,

You know, we talk about this quite a bit. It, on average, takes someone seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. And a lot of that is from promises of change. I'll stop drinking. I'll get better. I won't yell. I'll be nicer.

Well, they make the person feel like that they're crazy. They're overreacting. They're blowing it up out of proportion. I'll wait. I'll wait. But I still think you're blowing this up out of proportion. But I'm not. These are my feelings. Yeah. You, if you were decent, you would just say, I respect your feelings. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I'm going to work on things. I'm going to respect your boundary. Take all the time you need. Not,

I'll wait, but you're blowing it up out of proportion. Well, yeah, but your type of response would be way out of character for this guy. That's not him. He wouldn't even be able to think through sending that. No. So I really, really hope, really, really hope she looks at the comments and just figures it out. And I hope she doesn't need another attempt. I hope that the family can really support and maybe just start being honest. Like, hey, this isn't good.

Because at the end of this last update, I don't feel like I'm in a good spot with it. I feel very nervous that she is going to go back. My gut is saying that she won't, but it's also not impossible. I just think as the reality of big life change sets in, whether for better like this, you do have a lot of...

well, what if this or am I doing this? You have a lot of thoughts that circulate through your mind and it can be very confusing. But I think that enough has happened to where it's just not... I hope that she doesn't turn. Because the other thing too is once you break up with someone, all you can remember is all the good things. Rose-colored goggles go back on. But you got to keep reminding yourself of the bad things. And specifically on this one, I think...

Take yourself back to the moment when you texted your dad. That shouldn't ever have to happen in a relationship. And so I would go back to that moment anytime you're even thinking about, oh, maybe he is back to normal and that was just a weird thing. Like, no, you had to get to that point. Well, and what's so frustrating is like, OP does recognize certain things. Like, I...

Do you think him calling the cops and feigning worry, I think she's got PPD. I'm worried about the baby. Yeah. He wasn't worried about the baby. He wanted her to be brought back. Yeah. It was a control thing. And she recognizes that in the comment here. He knew where I was. He called the police to be conniving. He's only asked to see the baby twice. LOL. Yeah. I'm not keeping the baby from him because people were accusing her of keeping the baby from him.

He's watching the money run away. That's what he's doing. I mean, so she gets it. She does get it. But again, is like second guessing herself. Why? I get it. But I'm like, I just want to just scoop her away. The top comment on Boru, best of Redditor updates, kind of summarizes what I'm feeling a little bit, maybe. This was so frustrating to read, like watching the woman in a horror movie go into the murder house, even though people are warning her not to. Yeah.

That's true. We will definitely have to watch for an update. I'm hoping OP gets even more messages and comments of support and personal stories that, you know, kind of jar things for her. But this doesn't feel great right now. So moving along. This next one, I'm excited.

This is coming from r slash relationship advice. It is titled my 26 female boyfriend 30 male got me Pokemon for Christmas and I can't let it go. Do I call it quits or work it out?

For context, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Since I've known him, he has always loved Pokemon. Personally, I have no interest, but as his partner, I encourage his hobbies and I support him. This past Christmas, we had a few brief conversations about Christmas budgets and have mentioned to each other things we have been wanting. I knew Pokemon packs were at the top of his list, so I made sure to get him some.

I mentioned wanting a few beauty products and a specific hoodie. Well, Christmas comes around, and to my surprise, I open my gifts. The first one was a pack of Pokemon cards. Okay, whatever. The next one was a booster box of Pokemon cards. I stop and ask him if he's joking, because this must be a joke, right? Well, he smirks and tells me to keep going.

I opened my next gift. It was another booster box of Pokemon cards. He was full of excitement while I opened my gifts. That's it. Those were my three gifts. I am not and never have been interested in Pokemon. All caps. After this, I told him I needed a moment to myself. I went to our bedroom and took a moment to gather my thoughts and lower my temper.

When I came back to the living room, there he was on the floor. Both booster packs and the pack of cards he got me were opened and sprawled across the floor. I was in shock. Not only did he get me gifts that I didn't want, but he actually got them for himself and tried to play it off. I've been trying to move past this as I did not want to seem ungrateful, but I just can't believe he would do something like this.

Every time I tried to bring it up, he told me how expensive those booster box were and how I made him feel bad for not appreciating my gifts. Am I being ungrateful or is he just being a jerk? No. And yes, I thought me. Well, I didn't, but I hoped because it's a Reddit story, right? I was hoping it was the first pack like, hey,

I'm getting you your own set because maybe we could play sometime. Yeah. I want to bring you into my world. That's kind of cute. You know, I know you're not into it, but hey, let's just try it. If it's like a little stocking stuffer and like a couple like box for the pack. And then the next box is the hoodie and all the beauty products you wanted, right? That would have been kind of just fun and playful and just like, hey, maybe just try it with me sometime. But holy shit, dude. Yeah, I mean, this is...

You know, it's not like you guys didn't discuss the gifts or what you wanted. You even talked about the budgets and all of this. I know. So anyone that wants to make you happy and give you a great gift would get you what you wanted. It's really not that difficult. And there's no way to make an excuse. And also now the behavior of,

pouting and saying, oh, you don't know how expensive those were and you're not appreciating the gifts I got for you. That wasn't for me. Shut up, dude. What is going on? A gift is like meant to be something that someone wants that is meaningful to them. It's thoughtful. It represents them or you saw and thought of them or you knew they would enjoy it or they asked for it. A gift is not getting something for yourself.

And slipping it in so you hope you get to benefit from it. It's reminding me of our friends down in Irvine. Yeah, I was just going to say that. Who got his sweetheart a vacuum for Valentine's Day. And vacuuming was like his only chore. So he was being thoughtful in terms of like, oh, we got a Roomba. It'll help. Like, yeah, but that wasn't a gift for her. Right.

She didn't need a vacuum. You took care of vacuuming. You could have got that not as a gift for her and as a gift for like the household. I know. Say, hey, maybe this will help us stay a little more clean and then I'll still touch it up after. But then here's a gift for you actually. And I'd still love you friends in Irvine. I'm so sorry I picked on you again. But it's just like it's... I don't understand why some people struggle so hard with gifts and...

I'm looking at the price of these booster packs on Google, and I'm seeing prices from $158 to $36.

I mean, there's a variety of prices. $69, depending on what booster pack he got. Yeah, so you didn't not spend money. He spent a lot of money. You didn't fulfill the budget. It's just you totally missed the whole point. Well, and like the average hoodie, like there's some brands, yeah, okay, if you want designer, you're going to be crazy. But like...

My favorite hoodie I have right now is from Abercrombie and I got it on sale for $36 and it's the best hoodie. It competes with Lululemon. It is such a good sweatshirt and it's comfy and soft and I just, I love it. And it's like, he spent way more money on the stupid ass Pokemon cards. Like get yourself a gift if you want them that bad.

That's not a gift for her. Don't try to brush it off as a gift for her. You didn't listen to her. You didn't respect her. You didn't get anything she wanted. So it's that paired with now the pouting and the fallout. The gaslighting. Correct. That. Ew. And now I think those, right? Because you look at this and you're like, oh, he got me the wrong gift for Christmas. Is it breakup worthy? It's not. That's not the question. The question is the overall reaction.

Like situation. It's saying a lot more than it. And the behavior of it. It's not being considerate. It's not being a partner. It's maybe just not even listening. Does he even like her? Right. So it's. Like after three years. It has. You get her Pokemon cards when she said she wants this, this and this. Yeah. And has no interest and never has been interested in Pokemon. Yeah. So it has broad implications. For sure. And so.

With that, I think you are on the right track of maybe not, don't need to continue this one. No, I think cut your losses because also, I don't know if this is just me. I really, really appreciate how mature our writer was here. Yes. Hey, I just need to go to a room and I need a couple moments to myself. And they recognized that they needed to go and cool their temper and whatever. Love that. I love that.

But I would get the biggest ick if I hadn't already from these Pokemon cards. If I walked out and saw my partner opened my present and was playing with them on the ground. Like legs kicking in the air like a kid. Oh, just barf. Drier than the Sahara desert. Barf.

There's tumbleweeds rolling down there. I'm so dry. Like, the biggest dick. Because that's just the visual. Yeah. That's that's that clearly wasn't my gift. And you know what I would have done? Because I'm maybe crazy. I'm feeling crazy right now. I would have taken all those Pokemon cards and I would have poured water on them or put them in the oven or like I would have just been like, it's my gift. I can do what I want with it.

Like, fuck you. And I love, I played Pokemon as a kid. Like, I have so many Pokemon cards, but like, I'm mad because all she wanted was a little hoodie and a couple of beauty products. Yeah, it's not hard. Not hard. There's no comments from OP on this one. As of right now, it's a day old. Maybe we'll get an update. I for sure would love one. Same. We broke up. It's done. And I threw the Pokemon cards at him off the balcony.

No, and then he can still collect them and retrieve them. True. Keep the cards. But it would be satisfying watching him run around a yard trying to pick them all up. I don't know. It might give you the bigger ick. I already had a big one. It's fine. It's done. You confirm your decision. Yeah. Okay. Well, let me know if I'm overreacting on this one or if it was a thoughtful, well-intentioned gift. I would like to know. Nobody is going to say that. I would like to know. You know who would say that? The guy from the first story.

I think you got her a pretty nice gift. Probably. Probably. Same energy.

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applying insurance or saving cards. And with the results, you can see faster. My favorite part is you can sign up online from the comfort of your home. So no commute, no waiting rooms. So if you're ready to try it for yourself, go to ro.co slash THT to see if you qualify. That's ro.co slash THT. Go to ro.co slash safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. Half the list price when compared to auto injector pens and when paying cash without applying insurance or savings cards.

Okay. Are we ready for the coin flip? Oh, my. Last but not least. Yes. Got the coin ready? Well, okay. We have a choice. Penny, dime, nickel, quarter, SB, Anthony dollar, Eisenhower dollar, or palladium eagle. Palladium, for sure. You like the look of that one? Beautiful. Okay.

Okay. Option number one. I trapped my neighbor's cat and sent it to the local shelter. It's going to be heads. Okay. Option number two, which will be tails. Am I the butt face for telling my best friend I can't be her maid of honor because she's cheating on her fiance? Let the coin speak. Tails. That was a long flip. Cheating fiance. Damn, I think this is going to be a long time. Okay. Okay.

Again, title, am I the butt face for telling my best friend I can't be her maid of honor because she's cheating on her fiance? Title really says it all. My best friend of 12 years lives in another state and has been in a relationship with her girlfriend for five years and recently got engaged. They're planning to get married next year, and she asked me to be her maid of honor, which I previously said yes to.

Over the last couple of months, she's been confiding in me that she has been cheating on her fiancé. And I don't mean one accidental thing. I mean having a full-blown, intentional, ongoing affair.

I've been having many conversations on the phone with her about the situation, and she has seemed to be remorseful and knows that what she's doing is wrong and has expressed many other issues with the relationship and knows that she should break up with her. So I've been trying to help her get to the point of breaking up, which I know is hard to do when you've been with someone for so long. So I'm trying to have some empathy and grace for why they haven't broken up yet.

However, this has been going on for so long that now we are all going to be back in our hometown for the holidays and supposed to hang out with our old high school friend group and our partners. I haven't seen my friend's fiance since knowing all of this, and I'm deeply uncomfortable with keeping this secret. I thought they would be broken up by now, and I didn't know I would be put in this situation.

So I called my friend and I told her that I love her and I'm here for her and know she has to deal with things in her own time, but I am not comfortable being around her and her fiance knowing what I know. She got pissed the fuck off at me and basically attacked me for 45 minutes and called me a terrible friend and said that she told me those things in confidence and wouldn't have told me if she knew I felt this way.

I told her that I was keeping it in confidence and that it was putting me in a shitty situation. And if she wanted it to continue to be in confidence, I probably shouldn't be around them together so she could deal with it in her own time. She made it pretty clear that she never actually intended to break up with her fiance and still plans to marry her and never tell her about this affair.

I'm quite shocked because I thought this whole time that there was not going to be a wedding and that she knew what she was doing would end the relationship. Now it's clear that she has wanted me to just keep her secret and be the maid of honor in her wedding and is convinced there's nothing wrong with what she's doing as long as her fiance never finds out and she breaks it off with the person she's been seeing and they move on and are happy.

This is so, so wrong to me and I can't be a part of it. She thinks I'm being a bad friend and this may be the end of a 12-year friendship. Am I the butt face though? No, I think it is the end of a 12-year friendship because you are at a moral just- Impasse. You're at your limit. Yeah. And with that, you don't want to be around her and her fiancee

because of the actions and all of this stuff that you disagree with, now that is also being applied to your friendship where you have just been a convenient confidant that she can rely on to clear her conscience and not be the only one stuck with all this stuff. Yeah, that's what it is. And then she'll expect you and now you have to carry that. And in doing so,

That in itself, you don't agree with the actions. I mean, how can you continue a friendship with someone that you just cannot even morally respect? You can't. And I think like...

this could have gone maybe a little differently if, you know, as OP went to the friend and was like, Hey, I know you need time to deal with this and it's not easy and whatever, but I just can't be around you. You know, I don't want to accidentally slip up. I, I, I just can't lie to her face, you know, whatever. That was so respectable because, you know, should she have told this other person, you know, the fiance a while ago, maybe, but like

If you have a friend that's like, I'm going to break up, I'm going to break up. I just need time, you know, whatever. Like you think they are going to do the right thing and it's probably not her place. So for then her to say that and be met with, fuck you, you're a bad friend. I never would have told you this if I knew you felt this way. How did you know I was going to feel? You didn't. And you still chose to tell me I could have gotten her right away. You still chose to tell me.

Like, I just think it's unfair to even like start passing the blame on your friend because you're having an affair and you don't want to get caught. And so now I just like, I can't even like, I can't even devil's advocate logic myself to the point that she's at. Especially attacking for 45 minutes. It's insane. It's wild. It's insane. Well, you this, and I mean, I'm curious what attacks she threw at you.

If it started to go outside of the topic and was like, well, you've done this and you've been a bad friend with this. And then clearly we're at a time where this friendship has met its end and we've outgrown it, which is fine, but not a situation you'd want to stay in because it's just going to end up being unhealthy for you. If it takes this mental toll on you,

Anytime you, I mean, I wouldn't even see, I understand not wanting to hang out with your friend and their fiance knowing this, but now at the point we're at, even just hanging out with your friend feels like it would be a burden. Yeah. So we're kind of just at a natural end. And yeah, if you yourself don't want to stand up there and stamp approve this marriage essentially, then don't do it.

Because you don't want to all of a sudden have that weighing on you forever. So that would be doing all of this because of the past. I mean, in all of these we mentioned, it'd be losing 12 years of friendship.

Well, be grateful you had the 12 years, but it's not the same now. You're not going to have any other valuable years you look back on if it's going to stay like this and be like, I'm so glad I have this friendship and that's lasted this long. It's different now. Cherish what you had, but it's not there anymore. No.

You just got to move on. And I honestly, if you're already at a point where you're okay losing this friendship, definitely tell this other person because they deserve to know. They really do. OP is getting a lot of support in the comments. So, so much support. And I love a lot of people sharing personal stories.

Someone says here, I ended a friendship of seven years because my ex-best friend was cheating on two guys at the same time. Prior to that, she hurt another guy by cheating on him, then taking his virginity after cheating on him. I told the two guys she was cheating on the truth because I was like you, trying to be a supportive friend, ignoring my moral compass, trying to be the fucking cricket to her Pinocchio. And she just didn't care who she was hurting as long as she was happy.

So I told the guys the truth. They thanked me and she hated me and called me a terrible friend. Truth is, she was a terrible person and those people deserved better. They deserve to not be in a relationship with a cheater and a liar. I would tell the fiance the truth because they shouldn't get trapped in a marriage with a cheating liar. OP replies, thank you for sharing this experience.

Another person shares their experience, not the butt face. Your friend is not who you thought they were. Of course you're uncomfortable. She is asking you to act immorally and lie to everyone to continue to see them as a couple, smile, laugh, chat to the fiance, all while you know she's getting stabbed in the back by your friend. Plus you're supposed to stand by her for her wedding as a maid of honor. What honor? There is no honor in your friend or her relationships.

Your friend is not struggling with her conscience. She's only sharing with you to allay her guilt. She is not so over that she is now trying to make out that you're the immoral person. Think very carefully if you want to continue to be friends with this type of poisonous person. Think carefully. And is supposed to live and honor her fiancé? You see what she is doing there. What kind of friend do you think she really is to you?

And OP has a very good response of, this is a really perceptive response and I appreciate it so much. It really is shocking that she's just not the person I thought she was. And when I told her I couldn't lie for her, she had the nerve to say she wasn't asking me to lie. As if acting like everything is fine and hanging out with them as a couple isn't lying. I don't really know how I can trust or respect her as a friend after this. Right. And you can't. Yeah. You can't.

There's a couple other comments from OP, just kind of adding more context based on questions. One is, I don't really know my friend's fiance. I don't even have her number. Unfortunately, we don't have any mutual friends. I've only met the fiance a handful of times and don't know anyone in her inner circle as they live in another state, which I think, again, kind of points to why this friend did confide in her. Like, she's disconnected. She can't tell my fiance. I'm in the clear. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not refusing to tell. I was just under the impression that the breakup was imminent based on the conversations I had been having with my friend up until now. So this is a bit of a shocker. Thank you. It's very disorienting. This last comment I have from OP is really kind of icky. Someone asked, could your friend and fiance be swingers? Edit, do they have an open relationship? You might want to say to your friend that you are not comfortable listening to the open relationship info.

And OP goes, no, it is fully an affair. The other person is not consenting or aware. Yeah. Tell her. Tell her. Because I think you answered it very clear in your comments. You don't know how you can respect someone like this going forward. Quite frankly, you can't. Yeah. So good riddance. Goodbye. Off to bigger and better things. Yeah. Well, that was an emotional rollercoaster of...

Crazy people. Crazy people. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I don't even know what I'm going to title this one. I need help. It's going to be shocking when you guys do see the title when it gets posted. I'm scared. But thank you guys so, so, so much for being here. Again, episode 199. How? How? We have read hundreds and hundreds of stories at this point.

And hundreds more on Patreon. I'm kind of at a loss. It's like the second episode of the year and I'm like... I think you could say thousands. I have read thousands of stories. Yeah. It's truly incredible. And I'm so thankful for all of you. I was talking to someone today because we did a tarot card reading for our group T and

And someone was going through kind of a tough career, you know, change. And our lovely reader, Martina, gave this great analogy of like ponds and how like you might outgrow your pond. And we had a lot of really good cards pulled today for people. And a lot of it kind of related to me. And someone was they were like struggling to get into grad school and, you know, feeling discouraged by that. And I was like, but don't like that.

I didn't get into the grad school program I really wanted in Minnesota. I got into one here in Los Angeles and I took a chance and I went. And if I wouldn't have done that, I would not be in the life I am. It would be so vastly different. I wouldn't have my amazing fiance. I wouldn't have the friendships I have. I wouldn't have this podcast and this community and this

amazing life because of it like it would be so different so scary to think about I really I've been reflecting on it all day today just how grateful I am for you know all of this and how much I love all of you guys and making this a reality making this life a thing having this show it's so fun getting to read stories every week and just and just pick apart all these these crazy

you know, relationship dilemmas or asshole comments. I mean, it's just, it's surreal. And with that being said, episode 200 is going to be very, very, very special. If you want a sneak peek and you want to participate in episode 200, go over to our Patreon and join. I'm going to be posting the stories ahead of time and asking for fan cam reactions.

So head on over. And other than that, until next time. Until next time. Bye, guys.